Laney In The Loud House
by Kinghammer Publishing
Summary: It's a whole new version of Nickelodeon's hit series The Loud House. Starring my very own oc: Laney Loud. Find out what difference she will make being the 11th sister in big family! (Oc Insert Story)
1. Introduction

Introduction

You've heard the many stories of Lincoln Loud, a boy who struggles to survive a house full of ten sisters each one with a unique personality. From kid genius Lisa to practical joker Luan, from rockstar Luna to bossy teenager Lori. Yes, it isn't easy living with such a big family. But what you haven't heard is that there was an 11th sister, one that wasn't as difficult to deal with than all the other sisters.

Say hello to Laney Loud!

She's 7 years old between Lana and Lucy. She's also a bit shy and has a huge fear of clowns. But not Luan though, because she's not much of a clown.

But she is also kind and helpful to her brother and sisters because it can be very stressful living in a big family. She has a creative personality always expressing herself with either paintings or something else.

She has brown hair with one bang covering her left eye. She wears a black t-shirt and a blue skirt with yellow socks with blue stripes with black shoes at the bottom. She is also known to wear a red scarf because she's hiding a scar.

See how different things in the Loud House are with 12 kids.


	2. Left in the Dark

Left in the Dark

Disclaimer: The only thing I own out of this is my darling OC Laney Loud. The rest belongs to the show's creator Chris Savino.

Our story begins with a tv promo of Lincoln's favorite show.

HUNTER SPECTOR: Do you believe in ghosts? Join me, Hunter Spector, spectre hunter, leader of the Academy of Really Good Ghost Hunters, or ARGGH! As I descend into the scariest place in any home, the basement! Sunday night at 8 PM! Don't miss it, or you'll be left in the dark! ARGGH!

LINCOLN: [marks calendar] It's finally here! The live season finale of the greatest show ever! (Lincoln looks at camera.) All right, I know you're probably saying to yourself 'Lincoln, with eleven sisters, there's no way you're going to get to watch your favorite show.' And, you'd be right. Every Sunday at 8, it's the same thing

And he wasn't kidding. Every sunday night a 8 he finds himself fighting over the remote with his many siblings. Making it hard for the boy to watch his show.

LINCOLN: But tonight, I have a plan. Cadet Lincoln calling Cadet Clyde, do you read me?

At the other end of the walkie talkie is Lincoln's best friend Clyde McBride.

CLYDE: This is Cadet Clyde, I read you loud and clear! I'm so excited! We finally get to watch ARGGH together. And by together, I mean you at your house, and me at mine, right?

LINCOLN: For such a landmark event, we decided that it'd be best for us if we watched it separately. Clyde's got a huge crush on my sister Lori. It gets awkward.

He wasn't kidding about that either.

CLYDE: [Looking dreamily at drawing of Lori] "Hubba hubba.

LINCOLN: Clyde? Clyde? Do you read me?

CLYDE: Uh, you better hurry, Lincoln. It's almost 8:00!

LINCOLN: It's time to put Operation Distract My Sisters So That I Can Get to the TV First and Watch the Special Live Season Finale of ARGGH and Think of Shorter Name For This Operation into action.

The first thing he had to deal with was the twins Lola and Lana who couldn't wait to march down to the living room to watch cartoons.

LINCOLN: Did someone say tea party? [reveals a tea pot and a box of cookies]

LOLA: Eeeee! Thank you, Lincoln! [takes items and goes back to her room]

Lana, being the opposite of her sister was not interested in tea parties.

LANA: Hey, I don't want to be part of some dumb old tea party, I want to watch TV!

LINCOLN: Not even if (pulls frogs from behind him) these guys are invited? [holds out frogs; Frog croaks]

LANA: Eeeee! Thanks, Lincoln! [takes frogs and goes back to her room]

Next there was Luan, who was well known for practical jokes and her lame jokes and puns. But she was a comedy enthusiast nonetheless.

LINCOLN: Hey, Luan!

LUAN: I was just heading downstairs to watch TV.

LINCOLN: You might want to grab your video camera instead. The twins are at it again.

Inside, Lola and Lana were once again fighting. This lightened Luan with opportunity.

LUAN: This is totally going to go viral! [gives in to record the brawl] Thanks, Linc!

Coming out of Lynn and Lucy's room was shy little Laney Loud making her way downstairs with book in her hands.

LINCOLN: Oh! Hey Laney!

LANEY: Oh, I was just going to the living room to read my book in peace. I can't focus with Lola and Lana fighting next door.

LINCOLN: No Problem!

Lincoln then pulls out some earmuffs and attached them onto Laney's head.

LANEY: Gee, thanks Lincoln!

As she went back to her room, Lincoln went to take care Lisa and little baby Lily.

LINCOLN: Hey, Lisa. I saved you a trip downstairs and got that stuff you needed.

LISA: The lactose, triticum protein, sodium chloride crystals, sucrose, and galus galus ovum?

LINCOLN: Uh, you mean milk, flour, salt, sugar and eggs? [holds out ingredients]

LISA: You say tomato, I say solanum lycopersicum. Thank you. [takes ingredients]

Next there was the athletic preteen Lynn Loud.

LYNN: Yeah! Two minutes to game time! Whoo!

LINCOLN: Hey, Lynn, check it out. [holds out a football that starts floating] I filled it with helium for the extreme player who demands more.

LYNN: I demand more!

Approaching another room was 16 year old Leni Loud.

LINCOLN: Uh, go long!

(Whistle blows, Lynn struggles to get the ball.)

LYNN: Get over here, you!

With that out of the way. She went to Leni. Lincoln shouldn't have any trouble diverting her away from getting downstairs for she is what you folks may call a "dumb blonde".

LINCOLN: Oh my gosh, Leni!

LENI: What, is there a spider on me? [frantically rubs her head] Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

LINCOLN: Worse. There's a zit on the end of your nose.

LENI: I'm a hideous monster! [runs away]

Then there was Lincoln's rockstar sister Luna Loud.

LUNA: Hey, bro! TV tonight is gonna be rockin'!" (Strums guitar.) Yeah!

LINCOLN: Or, you can have your very own flashlight rock show in your bedroom. [holds out a colorful flashlight and Luna takes it]

LUNA: That is sweet! Thanks, Linc!

Then last but not least, there was the oldest sibling in the family. Bossy 17 year old teenager Lori Loud.

LORI: Has anyone seen my phone? I need to live-tweet my show!

LINCOLN: (Presses dials) Hey, Lori! Hey, Lori, I found your phone!

LORI: Give me that! [snatches phone] How many times do I have to tell you to keep your hands of my stuff! (Phone rings, Lincoln counts down.) Hello? Oh, hi Bobby. (Laughs.) No, I didn't text you to call me, but I'm glad you did! [to Lincoln] Thanks for nothing, twerp!

After that it was smooth sailing for Lincoln Loud. He had taken care of all of his sisters. Including little Lily Loud who Lincoln left her sleeping soundly on the laundry basket then kissed her. (Aww!)

LINCOLN: And that makes 11.

Lincoln the slides down the stairs and lands on his feet and walks toward the couch, thinking he finally had the TV all to himself. Until there was one small thing he forgot to count on.

LUCY: You forgot me.

LINCOLN: Ahh! (Falls to the ground.) Lucy! I always forget about Lucy!

LUCY: Story of my life.

LINCOLN: What are you doing here?

LUCY: It's the season premiere of my favorite show,"Vampires of Melancholia".

LINCOLN: This is the episode of ARGGH that everyone is going to be talking about at school tomorrow! Please let me watch it? Pretty please with a black cherry on top?

LUCY: I'm sorry, Lincoln, but you know the rule. I was here (in slow motion) first.

LINCOLN: NOOOOOO!" (Looks at remote and licks it.) Ha!

LUCY: [holds up another remote] That's the old remote that Lily threw into the toilet.

[Lincoln gags, rubs tongue, and spits out germs. He then weeps.]

LUCY: Sorry, Lincoln, I can't miss my vampires. Edwin is so cold and tormented and mysterious. Sigh. If only he wasn't from another century.

LINCOLN: Another century! That's okay, Lucy. You watch your show on the big color TV. I'll just go watch my show on Dad's crummy, old, black-and-white TV.

LUCY: Black and white are my favorite colors.

LINCOLN: Yeah, it'll make watching my show a little more spooky!

LUCY: Spooky is also my favorite color.

LINCOLN: Well, enjoy your vampires.

LUCY: Wait! I'll take the old TV!

Moments later in Lucy's room, Lincoln was setting up his fathers old tv.

LINCOLN: How can only two colors be so heavy? (Puts it on the bed.) Now to plug it in. So, you can be happy or sad or whatever that emotion is. And I won't be left in the dark.

But as soon as Lincoln plugs in the TV, the entire power goes out. Leaving everybody in the dark!

LINCOLN: Dang it.

Later, everyone was murmuring in confusion about why the power was out. Laney was the most worried.

LANEY: Help! I don't like the dark!

LORI: All right! All right! Everybody just calm down!

LENI: Guys! I can't see anything! I think I've gone blind!

LORI: No, you didn't go blind. What the heck happened?

LINCOLN: I was just plugging in the old TV for Lucy and it must've made the lights go out.

LORI: Of course it was your fault, Lincoln.

All the other sisters complained while Laney tried to defend Lincoln.

LANEY: Girls please! I'm sure Lincoln didn't mean cause a blackout.

LINCOLN: Yeah! All I did was plug in some dumb old TV!

LUAN: Hey! I know why the lights went out! Cause they liked each other! (laughs as siblings grunt.) Get it? Get it?

Told you her jokes were lame.

LISA: That one was so good, it deserved a cookie. [hands her one]

LUAN: Oh, thanks. [eats it] So anyway, what did one light bulb say to the other?

(The rest of the siblings gasp.)

LINCOLN: You're glowing.

LUAN: Oh. I already told you that one?

LUNA: No, dude. You are glowing.

LUAN: Hey, wow!

Once again one Lisa's siblings were part of her science experiment. And it wasn't the first time. Last time she tried experimenting on Leni and left her face bloated and covered in blemishes.

LISA: Classic. All I did was infuse the bioluminescent DNA of the Aequorea victoria jellyfish into a cookie. I call them Gloweos. Besides, now we can see.

LORI: Okay. Everyone huddle around Luan.

LUAN: I always knew I was the light of your life. (giggles; the rest of her siblings sigh.)

First things first. The kids had to find a way to get the power back on. But not after a head count to see if everyone's safe.

LINCOLN: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11, and me, that's 12. Yep, that's all of us. We are all here and accounted for.

LUCY: You forgot me.

(Lincoln screams and falls to the ground.)

LINCOLN: Can I go flip the circuit breaker and get the lights back on before Lucy gives me a heart attack?

(Lincoln screams and falls to the ground.)

LINCOLN: Can I go flip the circuit breaker and get the lights back on before Lucy gives me a heart attack?

LORI: Again, in charge. I'll do it. Where's this circuit breaker thingy?

The kids make there way to the circut breaker which was in the scariest place in the household: the basement!

LORI: Why am I the one who has to do this?

SIBLINGS: [at the same time angrily] Because you're in charge!

LORI: All right, all right! Come on, Luan. Light the way.

LUAN: That's the brightest idea you've had all day! (giggles. Lori pulls her from the crowd. After Luan gets pulled away from the crowd, her glow goes away. The rest of the siblings gasp.) Oooh. I thought I was staying in tonight, but I guess I'm going out! (Luan giggles. The rest of her siblings sigh.)

LANEY: No! Please don't go out! I don't wanna go down there! [shakes Luan]

LORI: Well I'm not going down there!

LYNN: Ooh! You're scared of the dark!

LORI: I am not! You're the one who's scared.

LYNN: I'm not afraid of anything.

LUCY: Boo.

LYNN: AAH!

[While most of the girls start arguing, the twins start to tremble with fright]

TWINS: THERE'S A GHOST IN THE BASEMENT! [sobbing]

LINCOLN: Guys! I'm running out of time! It's really important that I...I...I... [sighs in realization] ...fix this. OKAY, QUIET! [the girls stop] Come here, you two. It's okay. There's nothing to be afraid of. [hugs the twins] Your big brother will protect you.

Laney also came in and hugged Lincoln rather tightly for she was still scared of the dark.

LINCOLN: Uh.. Laney?

LANEY: Oh, right. Sorry. [lets go of him]

LINCOLN: In fact...I will protect all of you! For I am Cadet Lincoln! Highly trained student of the Academy of Really Good Ghost Hunters! Or...ARRGH! [puts on night vision goggles and busts out radio] Cadet Clyde, this is Cadet Lincoln. Forget the plan. I'm going to need backup.

Then without hesitation Lincoln's right hand man Clyde came in on the situation. But as soon as he caught sight Lori he...malfunctioned.

CLYDE: RED ALERT. RED ALERT. DOES NOT COMPUTE. CIRCUIT OVERLOAD. MUST ABORT MISSION. [leaves]

LINCOLN: I told you it gets awkward. [prepares to enter the basement] I will now descend into the scariest place in the house: the basement.

LANEY: Mind if I come with you? You know, so I can help light the way to the circut breaker? [holds a flashlight]

LORI: And you didn't tell us about that earlier?!

LANEY: I was saving it for a last resort.

LINCOLN: No need, with my official ARRGH! branded night vision goggles, I can see in the dark. [begins to head down but slips down the stairs and loses his radio]

LORI: Lincoln! Are you okay?

LANEY: What happend?

LINCOLN: The bad news is, my goggles are just a toy, and do not really see in the dark! The good news is, they cushioned my face! From the hard basement floor!

LUAN: Hey! I think my video camera has a night vision setting.

LINCOLN: [rushes back up] Sweet! [takes it] It's just like the cameras they use on ARRGH! I'm going in...

LORI: Wait! You're not leaving us up here all alone, are you? I mean, we couldn't possibly let you go down there all alone. We should all go down together. As a group. [grins pleadingly]

LINCOLN: Very well. I'll lead the way.

And so they all went down the basement, with Luan's camera as there guide. First they heard an eerie sound, but it was just the pipes settling. They heard another spooky sound, but it was just Cliff the Cat scratching on his scratching post. Then they smelled a weird stench, but it was just baby Lily who once again had a full diaper.

LILY: Poo-poo!

LINCOLN: See, guys? I told you. There's nothing to worry about.

But then they heard another strange sound, but this time it wasn't normal. It was big and dark, with glowing green eyes. And it was calling out to Lincoln!

LINCOLN: [terrified] IT'S A GHOST AND IT KNOWS MY NAME!

Soon they all panicked! Except for Lucy, who had a thing for ghosts.

LINCOLN: [bravely] I'LL SAVE YOU, SISTERS!

Lincoln bravely atttacked the ghost, which was actually his walkie talkie in a laundry when Lori turned the power back on. He sheepishly grins at the mistake. Then calling at the other end was Clyde.

CLYDE: I was just calling to say sorry for not being such a good ARRGH! cadet. And...is your sister ready to date younger men?

LORI: Never gonna happen!

CLYDE: Was that your sister?! [robot act] RED ALERT. RED ALERT. OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD.

Lincoln just has one of those "The things I have to put up with" looks on his face

LENI: [with her eyes closed] Guys! I still can't see!

LISA: Open your eyes.

LENI: [opens her eyes] IT'S A MIRACLE!

LORI: First one to the TV is couch commando.

LINCOLN: I can still get there first!

And so everyone was racing to the living room in glorious slow motion. Lincoln was the one reach the TV first. But by the time he turned it on his favorite show was over.

HUNTER SPECTOR: WOW! That was by far the best episode of ARRGH! ever! I'd hate to be you if you missed it!

LINCOLN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [lamenting] I can't believe I missed my show...

Lincoln starts to break into tears and his sisters couldn't bare to see there brother sad.

LORI: [hands him some popcorn] Sorry you missed your show, Lincoln.

LUAN: But you just lived it. Check it out.

She then plugs her camera into the TV and shows him what he filmed. They watch and enjoy their little adventure on film and Lincoln is happy to have actually lived the show instead of just watching it. And with that, he turns to the viewers with one last narration.

LINCOLN: You know, I may have missed my show. But sometimes, it's not about being there first. It's about being there together. All of us.

LUCY: You forgot me.

SIBLINGS: AAAHH!

The End

I apologize if you think I didn't add much of my OC into the first episode. But no worries! It oughta get better by the next chapter.

Until then. Stay Tooned!


	3. Get the Message

Get the Message

The episode begins with Laney Loud reading her book in the living room. But then she was interrupted by Lincoln who was playing on his virtual reality glasses. The game was fighting zombies with breakdancing.

Lincoln: Take that, zombie! [twerks] Feel my twerk, you evil jerk! [killing zombies; does a pelvic thrust] HOO!

Laney: (thoughts) Lincoln must be playing games on his glasses again. Must be so cool to play in virtual reality. Maybe I can ask if i can have a turn.

Meanwhile, Lincoln continues to breakdance. He goes up the stairs and does more moves in the hallway where he then enters one particular room

Lori: Lincoln!

Lincoln: [takes the goggles off and sees Lori making an angry face at him] AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Lori: There's only one rule in this house: stay out of my bedroom! If I catch you in here again, I will literally turn you into a human pretzel! [on the phone] No, not you, Bobby. [giggles] One sec, okay? [kicks Lincoln out]

Lincoln puts his goggles back on and continues to dance the zombies away unitil enters into the bathroom.

Lincoln: Zombies don't need to see this.

He takes the goggles off and sets them on the sink. The he heard a knock at the door

Lincoln: Occupied!

The knocking then turns into a pounding

Lincoln: I can't believe some... [answers door to see Lori is there]

Lori: [on the phone] Bobby, you'll never guess what Whitney said to me today.

Lincoln: [rhetorically] That you don't respect a man's privacy?

Lori: [ignoring Lincoln and kicking him out] No, silly! Not even. She was all like...

[Lincoln goes to his room and realizes something]

Lincoln: Oh no! My gaming glasses!

He rushes to the bathroom, only to be stopped by Lola and Lana who were dressed in some kind of authority attire.

Lana: No running in the hallway!

Lincoln: Huh? What are you talking about?

Lola: Lana, is this maggot giving you lip? [writes Lincoln up]

Lana: We're the new hall monitors at school, so we're practicing at home.

[They give Lincoln a ticket]

Lola: If we catch you speeding again, you're going downtown! We already locked up Luan for telling bad jokes. [reveals Luan in a cardboard jail cell]

Luan: Hey! Did you hear the one about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months! [laughs to rimshot] Get it?

Lola: That's five more minutes, dirt bag!

Lincoln: Okay, okay. I'll walk within the speed limit. I swear.

Lana: NO SWEARING!

As they leave for their room/office, Lincoln goes to the bathroom to find that his goggles are now totaled

Lincoln: Someone stepped on my glasses! NOOOOOO!

Since Lori kicked him out when he left him in there, he automatically blames her and sees that she left in the family van

Lincoln: **LORI! YOU DIRT BAG!**

Later, Lincoln was in his room telling Clyde the whole story.

Lincoln: One minute I'm electric-sliding with the undead, and the next... [groans] IT'S ALL LORI'S FAULT!

Clyde: [holding the goggles] I can't believe it!

Lincoln: I know! She didn't even say sorry!

Clyde: [lovestruck] No. I can't believe these were touched by Lori's beautiful tootsies...

Clyde was immedeatley snapped out of it when he heard a knock on Lincoln's door.

Lincoln: Come in.

Entering was sweet little Laney.

Lincoln: Oh, hey Laney. What are you doing here?

Laney: I couldn't help but notice early today that you were playing on your game glasses. And, I was hoping I could have a turn on there. But maybe with a game that doesn't have zombies in it?

Lincoln: I wish I could Laney, but I can't. Lori broke it! [shows Laney his broken glasses]

Laney: Oh no! Why would she do that?

Lincoln: I'll tell you why! All she cares about is talking on her stupid phone! Well, I'm going to give her a call she'll never forget...

Clyde: What are you gonna say?

[Lincoln looks in his drawer and pulls out a sheet of paper and shows it to Clyde and Laney]

Clyde:[reads] **Why 'blank' is the worst sister ever?**

Lincoln: [evilly] I knew this would come in handy someday. I just didn't know which sister would be getting it...

Laney: Not me, right?

Lincoln: Oh no Laney. You're the only sister that isn't the worst... [evilly] But you, Lori Loud, have made my decision very easy.

He then dials Lori's number on his duck phone. While Luna is jamming and riffs to the last note of Lori's ringtone.

Lincoln: [impatient] Agh. Must be charging her phone. No worries. I'll just leave it on her voicemail.

Voicemail: Hey, this is Lori. You know what to do.

[Beep]

Lincoln: Hey, Lori. It's your dear brother, Lincoln. There's something I've been meaning to tell you. You are...

He then goes into a blindingly raging rant about Lori. Luna comes into his room and rocks out to censor the harsh and foul message for any profanity it may contain. Laney plugged her ears to block all the scathing language.

All the while Clyde could watch in despair as his dream girl gets roasted.

Lincoln: AND THAT IS WHY YOU ARE THE WORST SISTER EVER! [hangs up] What do you think, Clyde?

Clyde faints. Then Lori entered Lincoln's room.

Lori: Hey, bro. I just wanna say I'm so sorry I stepped on your stupid toy. So I went out and bought you a stupid new one.

Lincoln: [shocked at her generosity] You did what now?

Lori: [hands him new glasses] Also, I'm very impressed you didn't freak out over this. Very mature.

Lincoln: [nervously chuckles] Yep. That's me. Mr. Mature.

Laney could only shake her head at his mistake.

Later...

Lincoln: What have I done? I called Lori a- [guitar riff] -when she's actually a- [harp string] What am I gonna do?! You're right! Lori clearly hasn't listened to the voicemail yet, or I'd be a human pretzel. We gotta delete the message!

Clyde: [comes to] Huh? [falls over]

Lincoln: Good talk.

Lincoln, Laney and Clyde are peaking out the door. Lola were tracking droppings that lead from Lynn and Lucy's room to Luan and Luna's. Security in Lori's room was very tight. So Lincoln had to find another way in.

Lincoln: Perfect! Lori doesn't have her cell which means it's still in there charging. Our mission is to infiltrate her room and delete the message before she gets back.

Clyde: But Lori's room is off limits.

Lincoln: I know. That's why I need you to be a lookout for her.

Clyde: That's easy. I'm always on the lookout for Lori.

Lincoln: Then let's do this!

Laney: Wait! What can I do?

The boy thought about it, then he looked outside to see the twins still patrolling the hallway.

Lana: I know poop when I see it, and that's definitely some poop.

Lincoln: Got it! You can distract Lola and Lana. Make sure they don't see me. Can you handle that?

Laney: I'll try.

Lincoln: Great! [puts on a black snow hat] Go time!

Lincoln sneaks by while the twins check the sound he made only to see he's nowhere. Then Laney came in to act as the distraction.

Lola: You got a hall pass young lady? [she sees Lincoln hiding up on the top of the doorway]

Laney: I think I see Geo making a run for it.

Points the other way and while the twins were looking, she pulls a hamster treat out of her pocket and tosses it behind her. Making Geo the Hamster go after it.

Lana: Hey, fur ball! No speeding!

[The twins give chase to Geo]

Twins: Hey! What did we just say? Get back here!

Laney then gives Lincoln an "OK" signal, the he moves his way to the vents.

Lincoln: I'm in.

Clyde: [with a schematic of the house] Great. Proceed two clicks north, hook a left, and you should be right over the target.

[Lincoln heads down that pathway]

Lincoln: I've got eyes on the package.

He sucessfully breaks into Lori's room and finds the phone still charging. But Lori was coming and he had to act fast. That's when Clyde comes in to act as a distraction for her. He immedatley rushed to the stairway. Then draws a mustache on his upper lip with a marker and tears off his shirt, revealing a white tux underneath it and acts so suave as Lori approaches, sweeping her off her feet.

Clyde: Hey, beautiful, you take these stairs often?

Lori: [throws her arms around him and swoons] I will now...handsome~... [winks to him]

Lincoln then took her phone, then imediately immediately deletes the scathing voicemail. The plan went perfectly, at least in this dramatization.

Lincoln: And that's how we're gonna do it!

Clyde: Love it! Especially the part where I get to talk to Lori. [starts applying perfume onto him]

Laney: [coughs] What kind of perfume is that?

Clyde: It's my nana's.

Lincoln: Here are the blueprints for the vents. [hands Clyde a drawing of them with some red stuff all over it]

Clyde: Are these food stains?

Lincoln: I eat ketchup-sandwiches while I floor-plan.

Laney: [whispers to Clyde] Don't ask why. [they all hear a door opening] Lori's coming!

Lincoln: Okay, let's do this.

Clyde: [hops over to the position from the dramatization] I'M IN POSITION!

[The loud feedback on the other end knocks Lincoln back]

Lincoln: Roger that. [sees Lola writing Lily up for not wearing her diaper]

Lola: No, I can't let you off with a warning!

Lily: [laughs]

Lincoln continues to sneak his way to Lori's room, but Cliff gets on his hat and starts padding it. He tries to shoo him off only for the cat's tail to hit his nose and stifles a sneeze with what he thought was a tissue.

Lola: Next time, remember. This is a mandatory diaper zone!

Lincoln was disgusted at the fact he used Lily's diaper as a tissue and throws up. Getting the twin guards attention. Then Laney came in to act as a distraction, problem was she didn't knew what to do!

Lana: And where do you think your goin'?

Laney: Uhhh... Umm...[sees Lincoln slipping on top of the doorway] Uhhhh... [then sees Lily crawling away without wearing a diaper]

Lana: SHE'S MAKING A CRAWL FOR IT! [chases after her]

Lola: You just got lucky! [runs off with Lana]

Lincoln then makes his into the vents proceeding with the plan. But ran into one unexpected detail.

?: Hey Lincoln.

He jumped in terror, only to find out that Lucy was right next to him.

Lincoln: Lucy! What are you doing in here?

Lucy: I come here to think. I actually just wrote a new poem called "Ventilate".

[starts to read]

 **Inside the wall**

 **I choose to be alone**

 **If I ever get stuck**

 **Please listen for my moan.**

Lincoln: [nervous] Riiiiight. [chuckles] Clyde, get me to Lori's room, now. [creeps away from Lucy]

Clyde: Go three clicks, and a right. Or was it three rights and a click? Wait. What's a click? [Laney smacks her forehead]

Lincoln: [crawling around] Never mind. I think I'm there. [falls through the vent hatch and slips; Lucy catches him before he hits the bathroom floor]

Lucy: Hey, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Phew. Thanks, Luce.

[Lincoln's radio fell into the toilet]

Clyde: Lincoln! Everything okay?

Lincoln: [swings and plunges the radio out] Yeah, Clyde. [groans at the soggy texture his radio has been contaminated with] Everything's perfect.

Laney: Are you sure you don't want any of my assistance?

Lincoln: No need Lanes. I'll take it from here.

Later, Lincoln continue to excavate the vents until he reached Lori's room.

Clyde: Package? What about Lori's phone?

Lincoln facepalms and enters Lori's room via a red rope; however, it seems to be coming undone.

Lincoln: Clyde, what kind of rope is this?

Clyde: Cherry licorice rope.

Laney: Why would you use licorice?

Clyde: It was the only rope I could find.

The rope then breaks and Lincoln falls attracting Lori's attenton and then came up the stairs.

Clyde: [frantic] Lincoln! Lori's coming! [suave] Don't worry, I'll stall her.

He draws a fake mustache and takes off his shirt then approaches Lori, only to be stunned by the sight of her. Then gets a nasty nosebleed.

Lori: Ugh! Gross! [runs to her room]

Lincoln is just about to delete the message when he hears Lori just about to come in. She enters and looks around with an displeased look on her face. Lincoln hides under her bed hoping she would never find her. Lori kicked off her shoes under her bed and hits Lincoln, he tries not to make a sound. Lori then suspiciously checks under her bed.

Lori: So, this is where all my shoes are. [sees all her shoes under her bed]

Lincoln had escaped her line of sight and tries reaching for the phone, but Walt the Canary perches right onto it and bites Lincoln's finger, making him hold in his yelp of pain. Lori's phone finishes charging.

Lori: Finally. [takes phone] Ooh! New messages! I'm so loved! [leaves]

Lincoln: [panicking] Mission is compromised! The package is on the move? Clyde?

Laney was with Clyde, cleaning up the blood and covering his nose with tissues.

Lincoln: Clyde! Do you read me?!

Laney: Um. Clyde is unable to speak with you right now.

Meanwhile, Lori was listening to all the messages lef for her. Most of them was from her boyfriend Bobby.

Message 1: Hey, babe. It's Bobby. Do you think we'll always be together?

Lori: Aww! Totes saving that one! [saves it]

[Clyde faints again]

Laney: Oh dear...

Message 2: Hey, babe. It's Bobby again. Should our couple name be Bori or Lobby?

Lori: [saves it] Saved.

Laney: Bori or Lobby? Those don't even make sense!

Lincoln hurries to stop Lori from getting to his message, only to be stopped by the twins.

Lola: We warned you, dirt bag!

Lana: It's the clink for Linc!

Lincoln: Look! Luan's making a jailbreak!

[The twins turn around and Lincoln makes a break for it downstairs]

Lana: Hey!

Lola: Oh, forget that bum. He's out of our jurisdiction now.

Lana: Yeah. Let's get doughnuts.

As they head out for a doughnut break, Lincoln gets downstairs and finds out that he's too late and Lori is already listening to his hateful message.

Message: "Hey, Lori. It's your dear brother, Lincoln."

Lincoln: Lori! [slow motion diving at her] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [thuds at normal speed] Ugh!

Message: There's something I've been meaning to tell you. You are...

Lincoln looks on in horror, but luckly Lori deletes it before the rant can begin.

Lori: Ugh! Delete! Lincoln, there are two rules in this house: stay out of my room, and never call my phone! My voicemail is full enough without useless messages from you!

Lincoln: [sarcastically relieved] Gee, Lori, I'm sorry.

Lori: But, I'm gonna let it slide this time 'cause you were so mature when I broke your stupid toy.

Lincoln: [sheepishly chuckles] Yeah, right. That's me. Mr. Mature.

[Lori gets a call and answers it]

Lori: Bobby. Only 12 messages today? I thought you cared about me.

[Laney comes downstairs to Lincoln]

Laney: Oh thank goodess. I thought you were a goner down there.

Lincoln: [sighs with relief] Yeah, I'm alright. Next time I have a problem with one of my sisters, I'll just talk to them instead of leaving a message or writing a nasty letter. [realizing] Speaking of which, where is that letter? [looks around for it but can't find it]

Lori: [plucking nose hairs while talking to Bobby] If you want our couple name to be Lobby, you're going to have to show a little- [sees something on the floor] What's this? Why Lori is the worst sister ever? Bobby, I gotta go. I'M ABOUT TO TURN LINCOLN INTO A HUMAN PRETZEL! [reveals the letter to Lincoln and Laney and is enraged] LINCOLN! WHAT IS THIS?!

Lincoln: Well, it's time to do the official dance of the Loud House: the Running Man! [puts on his new game goggles and starts dancing away from Lori's wrath]

Lori: WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GONNA-

Luna rocks out to censor Lori's rant of revenge, just like she did for Lincoln. The furious teen then saw Laney. She nervously grins and walks away into her room.

The End

Tune in next time for Chapter 3: "Heavy Meddle"


	4. Heavy Meddle

Heavy Meddle

Once again we see sweet little Laney in the living room reading her book. Until she saw her brother Lincoln come in with gum stuck in his hair, and heard him talking like a weatherman.

[A news broadcast weather board appears next to him with his face in the sun]

LHN 6 LIVE

WEATHER REPORT: CLEAR SKIES

LINGERING BUTT-INS

KEEP UMBRELLA HANDY

Lincoln: The National Weather Service reports clear skies with only a 20% chance of meddling sisters. But we advise keeping your umbrella handy.

[Lily is playing with some of her toys and notices Lincoln coming in]

Lincoln: Shh... [steps on a squeaky toy and lifts his foot up with some squeaking aftershocks from said toy]

Lily: Shh...

Lincoln: Shh... [sneaks off]

Laney: Why are we shushing? [Lincoln jumped]

Lincoln: [nervously] Uh, Laney! What are you doing here?

Laney: I always read my book in the living room. And why do you have gum stuck in y-

[Lincoln covered her mouth before she could say anything else]

Lincoln: Shhh! [whispers] Please don't tell the others! I got bullied at school and I don't want anyone else to know! You know how my sisters can be when it to these kind of problems.

Laney: [whispers] Oh I do. One time they found out I was being bullied at my school, and tried to help me stand up to him. And their meddling was so critical it almost gave me whiplash!

Lincoln: [whispers] So you wont tell?

Laney: [whispers] Not a soul.

Lincoln: [whispers] Great! Now where can I find some peanut butter?

Laney: [whipsers] In the fridge.

Lincoln: [whispers] Thanks.

So Lincoln, went to the kitchen to get some peanut butter to remove the gum from his hair. But just then, he heard Luna humming as she entered the kitchen. He hid his gummed up hair in one of the crisper drawers.

Luna: Hey, bro.

Lincoln: Oh, hey, Luna. What's the haps?

Luna: [seeing Lincoln's position] Rad way to chill out, bro.

Lincoln: Right. Totally rad.

Luna: Hey, hook me up with some pudding.

Lincoln: [feels around for a pudding cup and touches a piece of broccoli] GROSS! [shakes the broccoli texture off his hand, finds a pudding cup and hands it to Luna]

Luna: Thanks. Stay cool. [leaves]

He continues to look for peanut butter until he finds the jar to be completely empty.

[frustrated] Ah! Why do people put empty jars back in the fridge?! [puts it back in despite what he just ranted about] I need a Plan B.

Lori: [still on the phone] Socks and sandals? Cut it out!

Lincoln: "Cut it out." That's it! [sneaks past Lori] Hey Laney, where do we keep the scissors?

Laney: Mom and Dad's room.

Lincoln sneaks into his parents' room and grabs a pair of scissors to cut the gum out with. But as he makes his way to the staircase, Luan came downstairs and he hides his gum on the wall.

Lincoln: Hey, Luan.

Luan: Hey, Lincoln. What do you think of this joke? "If I were you, I'd go for the baboon!"

Lincoln: [puzzled] I don't get it.

Luan: Oh. Well, that's just the punchline. I still gotta think of the setup. [walks away]

[Lincoln heads up the stairs and makes it to the door to his room, but his mother calls him]

Rita: [off-screen] Lincoln, honey! I need you to take out the trash!

Lincoln: Okay, Mom! Five minutes!

Rita: Not five minutes! Now!

Lincoln: I will! Just give me three minutes!

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, listen to your mother!

So Lincoln went to take out the trash. But he manages bump into Leni and hides the gum with a trash can lid.

Leni: Hey, Lincoln. Is my desk lamp in there? I can't find it anywhere.

Lincoln: Nope. Have you tried looking on your desk?

Leni: So smart! [sees the lid on Lincoln's head] What's up with that hat?

Lincoln: Oh, this? [striking a few poses] These are all the rage right now. I'm surprised you didn't know.

Leni: [inspired] Hmm...

After that, Lincoln tries to sneak back into his room but Lisa catches him.

Lisa: Greetings, human. There's Liquidambar Styraciflua in your follicular area.

Lincoln: A what in my who now?

Lisa: You've got gum in your hair.

Lincoln: Oh, yes. I'm sure it's just-

Lisa: I assume that being of average intelligence, you didn't place it there yourself. Therefore, I can only deduce that someone has been picking on you.

Lincoln: [begging his genius sister] Lisa, please! You can't tell! I don't want everyone getting involved.

Lisa: Don't worry. I do not have enough room in my brain for this kind of tomfoolery. [walks away]

Lincoln: Phew. [enters his room]

Lincoln takes out the scissors and snips the gum out, but just as he's about to dispose of it, Lynn kicks the door open with every sister there.

Lynn: You're being picked on.

Laney: I didn't tell them Lincoln. I swear!

Lori: Wait! You knew about this?!

Lincoln: [irritated] Lisa, I thought you weren't going to say anything.

Lisa: No. What I said was I did not have room in my brain for your secret. Hence, I removed it and transferred it to Lynn, whose brain apparently has ample room.

Lynn: Thanks. [beat] Hey!

Luna: So, you are being picked on.

Leni: I bet it was the same jerk who bullied Laney!

Lincoln: [nervous] Of course not!

Luan: [points to the gum] Then what's that?

Lincoln: That's just my gum. [chews it trying to cover it up but obviously disgusted by it] Mmm...watermelon lime. AND HAIR!

[Lincoln coughs it out and the girls start demanding him to let them help him]

Laney: Please girls! Don't help Lincoln! You'll only make it worse!

Lori: If by worse you mean better, I agree.

Lola: [to Lincoln] You should go straight to the school principal!

Lori: Forget that. You should literally text an embarrassing picture of him to all his friends.

Luan: I'm gonna write an insult comedy routine that will leave him in tears!

Lynn: [flips at Lincoln] HOO-WAH! [kicks him] Basic stealth ninja kick. That's how you're gonna take him down.

Laney didn't what to about the absolute meddling of her sisters. She wanted to help Lincoln but she doesn't know how. Leaving her in a stuttering panic.

Laney: I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-... [smoke begins puffing out of her ears; her eyes started spining around]

 **SISTERNADO WARNING: CATEGORY 1 BUTTING IN**

 **PRIMARY RISK: Making things worse for me**

 **Damaging childhood**

 **Bad advice**

 **BREAKING NEWS: FIRST ALERT SEVERE SISTWISTER THREAT**

Lincoln: Well, folks, the National Weather Service has just released a Category 1 Sisternado Watch. We advise boarding up your windows and preparing your emergency supplies.

[Lynn suddenly grabs him and has him in a hold]

Lynn: That's the camel clutch. Another good option for ya. [gets off him]

Lincoln: Look, I don't need any-

Luan: We'll start with some basic dumb jokes. Like, You're so dumb you locked yourself inside your car. That kind of thing.

Laney: [stammers gibberish]

Lola: Ooh I know! I'll invite him to a tea party and make him use the chipped cup!" [has a sinister smile with a sinister sting to accompany it] I'm so evil, sometimes I scare even me.

[Lincoln notices Lynn standing in a strange pose]

Lincoln: What are you doing?

Lynn: [pulls Lincoln's shirt over his face] SURPRISE MIME ATTACK! I invented that one myself.

Lincoln: [pulls his shirt back down] Lynn, I'm not going to fight. I-

Lynn: Ugh! Fine! I'll take care of this myself. [walks off]

Luna: You should do this! [slams a pair of cymbals right in Lincoln's ears] His ears'll be ringing for days!

Luan: Ugly jokes are always good, too. Like, "You're so ugly, you have to trick-or-treat over the phone!"

Lincoln: [his ears still ringing] WHAT?!

Laney: [continues to stammer gibberish]

[Lynn returns with a boy and is carrying him by the seat of his pants]

Lynn: Look! I found him!

[The girls surround him and are not very happy with him]

Lori: How dare you bully our brother! Only we get to do that.

Lana: [spits the gum right into Lincoln's hand] Smoosh your watermelon lime gum in his hair, Lincoln!" [sees Lincoln is too hesitant to do it] Fine. I'll do it.

Lincoln: Wait! Stop! This guy isn't my enemy! Although, thanks to you, he probably will be now.

[The boy growls at him for what he's been put through]

Lynn: Oh. [kicks the boy out] Why are you still here?

Lana: I can't believe I almost wasted perfectly good gum on him. [takes gum back and chews it]

Lynn: I'll go get another boy. [proceeds to do so]

Lincoln: No! Lynn, stop! IT'S NOT EVEN A BOY!

[Lynn suddenly stops surprised at that fact and the others are perplexed]

Leni: Is it a dog?

Lincoln: [sighs] It's a girl...

The girls are flabbergasted and gasp to hear the news, but then, all of them except Lisa and Laney start squealing with delight. All Laney did was faint.

Laney: Guuuuh...[passes out]

Lincoln: [perplexed] What?

[All the girls except Lisa give him a big group hug and suffocate him]

Lisa: Normally, I don't care for inane human emotions, but... [squeals just as delighted as they did and joins the hug]

Luna: Lincoln! Why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?

Lola: She sounds so pretty.

Lincoln: [suffocating] What is happening?

[They all release Lincoln from their hug]

Lori: When a girl picks on you, that only ever means one thing: she likes you~.

[The girls all squeal again and Lincoln is just dumbfounded at this explanation]

Lincoln: [Disbelieving] That's ridiculous! She shoved a sandwich down my pants! I was picking sesame seeds out of my butt for days!

[The girls swoon over such a flirty prank]

Leni: So romantic...

Lori: That's a classic.

Lincoln: You guys are nuts! She hates me! I'm gonna meet her today and give her a piece of my mind!

Lori: You need to give her a piece of your heart instead.

Lincoln: [scared] WHAT?!

Leni: I think he needs to kiss her.

[Lily makes kissy faces in agreement]

Lincoln: [petrified] WHAT?!

Sisters: KISS HER! KISS HER! KISS HER!

At that moment, as the girls continue chanting Lincoln to kiss his bully, they all start forming miniature tornadoes around them and merge together to create what Lincoln likes to call "The Sisternado!"

SISTERNADO RED ALERT

BREAKING NEWS

S.O.S./TAKE COVER/#AAAHH!

Lincoln: This just in from the National Weather Service! The Sisternado watch has been upgraded to a Sisternado warning. TAKE COVER IMMEDIATELY!

Sisternado: KISS HER! KISS HER! [traps Lincoln inside] KISS HER! KISS HER!

Lincoln escapes and heads to the bathroom, but stopped for a moment to find out he has forgotten Laney. Who was still lying on the floor, babbling nonsense.

Lincoln: Laney!

Laney: [blabbering]

Lincoln grabs her and heads into the bathroom, there he tries to wake her up.

Lincoln: [shakes Laney] Laney! Laney, snap out of it.

Laney: I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I...

Lincoln: Oh no! [picks up his radio] MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Clyde, do you copy?

Clyde: Roger. I mean, this is Clyde, not Roger. But yeah. Roger, it's Clyde.

Lincoln: [panicking] My sisters have lost their minds! They think the bully likes me! They want me to kiss her!

Clyde: I don't know. Maybe they're right, Lincoln.

Lincoln: My sisters are never right! All they do is meddle.

Clyde: They're girls, Lincoln. They know more about these things than we do. It's a scientific fact.

Lincoln: Yeah, but there's no way that- [suddenly starts considering the possibility] Wow. Me? You really think she might like me? How would I know?

Clyde: There's only one way to find out.

So before Lincoln can confront the sisternado, he notices that Laney was still in her panicky state. He runs some water in the bathroom sink and splashes some on fer face, bringing her back to normal.

Laney: Huh? What? Oh no, how long was I out?

Lincoln: What was that back there? It's like you were malfunctioning like Clyde when he sees Lori.

Laney: Oh I'm so embarrased! I do that every time I get confused. I wanted to help back there, but I didn't knew what to do. And…. and I-I…

Lincoln: [puts his hand over her shoulder] Hey, It's alright. I know it can be hard to live in a big family. And there will be times where you don't have the solution to everything. But we'll always be there for you, because siblings always know the right thing to say. I hope... You might wanna stand back.

And so she did as Lincoln opened the door to the treacherous sisternado.

Sisternado: KISS HER! KISS HER! KISS HER!

Lincoln: Hold it!

[The Sisternado comes to a stop and the sisters turn back to normal]

Lincoln: So am I going to kiss this girl or what? [smirks]

[The girls sans Lisa squeal again]

Lisa: Again... [squeals again]

Laney: You really wanna go through with this?

Lincoln: Trust me, nobody knows girls like girls.

Laney: Well if you're sure. Okay.

3:30

Lincoln: It's 3:30. Lola, lip balm. [Lola applies it] Lana, breath mint. [Lana puts it in his mouth] Let's do this.

Lynn: Go get her, Romeo.

Lori: You so got this, little bro.

Lola: Aw, our little Lincoln.

Lana: All grown up.

[Lola hands Lana a tissue for her to blow her nose]

Leni: [wearing the trash lid on her head having believed Lincoln's lie] All the bridesmaids should wear these hats at Lincoln's wedding. These are all the rage right now.

And so Lincoln marches out the door to meet the girl of her dreams. All of his sisters were proud of him as as he came closer to his bully for a kiss.

Sisters: [sweetly] Aww...

But the sweet moment was cut short when the bully responded to this romantic gesture by punching Lincoln in the face.

Sisters: [concerned] Ooh!

[Lincoln steps back inside with a black eye and now incredibly furious at his sisters]

Luna: Sorry, buddy. Our bad.

Luan: Well, at least, you gave it a shot.

Lynn: I'll get some ice for that shiner.

Lisa: X-ray machine, stat.

Lori: I'm really sorry, Lincoln.

[The girls all try to apologize to Lincoln for their meddling, which he is through hearing]

Lincoln: [infuriated] QUIET! Every time you guys butt into my life, you make things worse! Well, guess what? Never again! NO MORE MEDDLING!

Lincoln walks to his room and slams the door in rage as his sisters stand there feeling guilty.

Lincoln: I knew it all along. I should never have listened to them. My sisters are always wrong.

Someone whistles from outside to get Lincoln's attention, he looks out his window on one end as a rock comes flying in through the other end and sees there's a note attached to it and reads it

 **Sorry, Lame-O. Here's my number. 555-0121 Text me.**

Lincoln: Sorry, Lame-O. Here's my number. Text me? [confused; smiles and looks out the window and gets a steak thrown at his eye; notices it has a note too and reads it] "For your eye. XOXO, Ronnie Anne."

[smiles hopefully, places steak over his shiner and turns to the viewers] Okay, maybe just this one time my sisters were right. But don't tell them that!


	5. Author's Note

There are a few things I forgot to mention about my OC Laney.

1\. While she's shy, she can sometimes be intimidated by a few things. One being afraid of the dark.

2\. She's sort of a hobby hunter because she wants to have a personality as different as all her other sisters.

3\. As previously stated in chapter 3, Laney has a condition where when she can't find a solution to a problem or a conflict, she malfunctions like Clyde whenever he's around Lori. She's a very embarassed about it.

4\. She occasionaly reads because it's the only activity quiet in where she lives.

5\. She has a room with Lucy and Lynn. In my rewrite, Laney and Lucy share a bunk bed.

6\. You're gonna notice that I rewritten a few scenes in the episodes. But it will be fun.

Now that we're up to date, back to the show!


	6. Making the Case

Making the Case

Lincoln: The Loud Family trophy case. My sisters have done some pretty impressive stuff to get in here. There are Lynn's soccer trophies, Lola's pageant crowns, Lisa's Junior Nobel Prize, even Lily's won her thumb sucking contests! And then there's me. [shows that such trophies are in their proper spots, but his spot is completely vacant and sighs] I've tried everything to get into this trophy case.

And yet he did, but every attempt from karate to running a marathon, even entering a beauty pageant.

Judge: And the winner of the Little Miss Cutie Pie Pageant is...Liiiiiiiiiiinnnnnn-dsay Sweetwater! [Lincoln sulks]

But no dice. The poor boy had no chance of winning any trophy. Until today that is.

Lincoln: The 5th Grade Video Contest. Whoever's video gets the most votes wins this beauty. [points to trophy on display, breathes on the glass, and draws a heart around it, Clyde wipes it off]

Clyde: You really think you're going to win, Lincoln?

Lincoln: With what I have planned, I'm a shoe-in.

Clyde: You said the same thing about the Cutie Pie pageant.

Lincoln: [defensively] I was robbed! [calmly] Grab your camera.

Later at Lincoln's house, he and Clyde were in progress of making a trophy winning video submission.

Lincoln: Are we rolling? [in character] Hey, fifth grade! Lincoln Loud here! Ever wonder what happens when 672 breath mints meet 88 gallons of diet soda? Well, you're about to find out!

On Lynn's skateboard he rides off a ramp onto a catapult where he is launched by Charles and Cliff into a swimming pool full of diet soda, causing the soda and mints to shoot out like a geyser. Meanwhile at the other side of the front yard, Laney was painting a picture of the house.

Laney: Lets see. Tree goes there, ball is next to the stairs. Uh Walt, do you mind moving a few inches to your right. [Walt did so] Perfect! [continues to dash the bush along the canvas] Gee! Those art classes at school are really paying off. Maybe this could my personality: a creative young artist with an ever growing pas-

Laney was then splashed by the root beer from Lincoln's stunt. Leaving her completely soaked, and her painting washed away.

Laney: [sighs, then sits down] This can be very frustrating to a small and very inspired child...

[We go back to Lincoln and Clyde]

Clyde: [drenched in soda] That was amazing! You're right. Everyone's gonna vote for this.

To there dismay, as soon as they uploaded it, no one voted.

Lincoln: Why isn't anybody voting for this?

Clyde: Maybe because they're all voting for this HamstaCam video. [uploads video of what is simply a hamster just running around in his wheel like any other hamster]

Lincoln: [notices the vote total] 50 votes?! Pssh! What's so great about some dumb hamster? [Geo overheard that and chitters at him angrily] Not you, Geo. You're awesome.

Clyde: Hey! We got a vote! No, wait, it's a comment.

 **Nice try, U shld go to UR BIG SISTER'S site for some tipzz. Her videos R sick: L.O.L. COMEDY CHANNEL**

Clyde: Sick? Oh, no! Do you think they have a virus!

Lincoln: It means awesome, Clyde. Click the link.

[Clyde does so]

LUAN OUT LOUD'S COMEDY CHANNEL

Lincoln: Cute, but how many people wanna watch Luan- [notices her fan total] 50,000 followers?! Clyde, do you know what this means?

Clyde: People waste a lot of time on the internet?

Lincoln: No! It means Luan can help us win the video contest! Come on!

[Luan is looking over Lincoln's video]

Luan: Mm-hmm...

Lincoln: Pretty sick, right?

Clyde: That means awesome.

Luan: Yeah, not in this case.

Lincoln: [shocked] What?!

Luan: Sorry, Linc. Stunts are so last year. If you want to win the contest, you have to make funny videos.

Lincoln: Well, how do I make those?

Luan: Easy. You just follow my one simple rule. Keep your camera on at all times, because you never know when you'll strike comedy gold. Ooh! Like this! [films Clyde picking his nose]

Clyde: Aw, come on! Erase that!

Luan: Don't worry, Clyde. I would never post it without your permission. Besides, I said comedy gold, not digging for gold. [laughs]

And so with that, Lincoln and Clyde tried to find some funny stuff for their video by keeping the camera on like Luan said. But a few hours has passed and all they got was Lynn bouncing her soccerball and Laney painting another painting of the house.

Lincoln: We've had the camera on all day! Where exactly is this comedy gold?" [beat] Clyde? Are you listening to me?

Clyde: Sorry, Lincoln. I was just worried that Lynn was going to accidentally step on that rake, resulting in a series of escalating mishaps.

Lincoln: That's great, Clyde, but-series of escalating mishaps?! [hides in a bush to film Lynn]

Lynn: [bouncing a Soccer ball off her head] 56...57...58...59... [steps on the rake and gets hit] Ouch!

The ball bounces off a pole and onto her face, sending her flying onto a trampoline where she bounces off and lands in the soda pool. Meanwhile the ball bounces the pole again, and hits Laney at the back of her head, and she fell face first on her pallette, getting paint all over her face. She tried rubbing it off until the paint resembles her face as a clown.

Lincoln: That was hilarious!

Clyde: Let's go upload it! This is gonna get a ton of votes!

Lincoln: I don't know, Clyde. Enough votes to beat HamstaCam?

Clyde: [shakes his fist] HamstaCam!

Lincoln: [gets an idea] If we struck comedy gold with one sister, with ten, we'll have Comedy Fort Knox!

[They laugh evilly]

Next they filmed Luna.

Luna: [in a British accent] Just like me idol, Mick Swagger. ALL RIGHT! [splits and rips her new jeans] Oof!

Lincoln: [zooms in on the rip] Ooh, drafty.

Then they filmed Lucy

Lucy: [holds a bust of a vampire] Oh, Edwin, I know you're forbidden to love a mortal like me, but I can't resist your piercing gaze, your sparkly skin, your icy lips... [kisses the bust and gets its wax lips over hers]

Lincoln: Hmm...maybe something like this is a little too personal.

Clyde: [checks the school's site's poll] HamstaCam just got 10 more votes!

Lincoln: [shakes fist] HamstaCam! Eh, it's not that personal. Keep rolling.

Soon they fimed embarassing moments of all of Lincoln's sisters. From Lori farting, to Lola's nighttime retainer. To Lisa fumbling while reading her science book, to Laney's ballerina dance session, to Lana eating gum out of the garbage. And Lori farting again.

Clyde: [intoxicated] Ah, Lori's toots. It's like music to my ears.

Lincoln: Now, this is gonna beat HamstaCam! Let's go upload it!

Clyde remains under the guise of Lori's flatulence and Lincoln drags him with him. The next day, the school was a buzz about Lincoln's video.

Female Classmate: Lincoln, your video rocks! You got my vote!

Male Classmate: Man. Lucy and that sculpture? What a weirdo!

Female Classmate: And how about Lori?

Male Classmate: You mean Miss Toots-A-Lot? She should see a doctor about that.

[As the kids laugh, Lincoln starts to look a little worried]

Female Classmate: So embarrassing.

Lincoln: [worrying] Embrrassing?

Male Classmate: Yeah! My sisters would pulverize me if I posted a video like that!

Lincoln: [scared] Pulverize?

Clyde: You can't get pulverized, Lincoln! I'd never be able to find another best friend!

Lincoln: You won't have to. After I win the trophy on Friday, I'll just delete the video.

Clyde: [hugs his best friend] Just in case...we had a good run, buddy.

Lincoln: Don't worry, Clyde. My sisters will never know.

[But just as he opens the door, his sisters are right there, and they are incredibly furious]

Clyde: They know.

[The sisters rant about Lincoln's video]

Lincoln: Wait, wait, wait! Let me explain!

Lori: You've got extra three seconds before we pulverize you!

[Lynn cracks her knuckles and Lisa starts a stopwatch to time Lincoln's very limited time]

Lincoln: There was this video contest at school and I really wanted to win!

Lola: YOU SHOWED MY SLEEP FACE FOR SOME STUPID CONTEST?!

Lincoln: I just wanted a trophy to put in the case like you guys!

Luna: You think you deserve a trophy for that, bro?

Lincoln: No. I don't deserve it. Look! I'll delete the video!

Lucy: Too late, Lincoln. The damage has already been done.

Lynn: You made me look like a fool!

Lucy: You made me look like a freak!

Lori: You made me look like I fart! And for the record, it was these shoes! See? [tries to make it look like they were making the farting noise but fails] Of course it's not working now.

Lincoln: Lori, I'm sorry! Wait! [chases after his sisters]

[Clyde leaves]

Lincoln: "Luna, let me explain!"

Luna: [drowning Lincoln out with heavy metal frustration] Can't hear ya, bro!"[slams her door]

Lincoln: Leni! Lori! I'm sorry!

Lori: You literally disgust me!

Leni: Yeah! [walks into the wall and gets dragged in by Lori]

Lincoln: Lola! Lana! Please!

Lola: You're uninvited to my birthday party FOREVER! [slams the door]

[Lincoln sighs and Lana opens it which he thinks she will forgive him]

Lana: I wanna slam it, too! [does so]

Lincoln: [knocks on Lisa's door] Lisa! Lisa? [Lisa slides a note under the door] " **Vengeance shall be mine.** " [turns to Lynn and Lucy] Guys, come on! I'm your brother!

[Lynn growls in fury]

Lucy: I have no brother! [starts to close the door then opens it] I know I say that a lot, but this time...I mean it. [slams door]

Lincoln: Luan, you gotta help me! I was only doing what you said!

Luan: You broke the unspoken rule: never post a video without the person's permission!

Lincoln: Why didn't you tell me that?

Luan: Because it's unspoken. [slams door]

Lincoln went downstairs only to find Laney sitting on the couch with her arms crossed. He then went to her in hopes she will be reasonable.

Lincoln: Laney, there you are! You can forgive me right?

Laney: I wish I could, but I can't. You posted my most embarassing moment online! Did you really thought It was a good idea to expose your sisters like that? Just so you can win some video contest? [Lincoln looks down and realizes what he has done]

Lincoln: [sighs, rubs the back of his neck] I... I didn't mean to humiliate you, I just thought it was funny. [Laney turns her back on him] Okay, not helping. I'm really sorry Lanes. Is there anyway I can make it up to you, to all of you?

Laney: I may have an idea. [points to the computer]

Lincoln sighs and walks towards the computer, knowing what he had to do.

Lincoln: Well, goodbye, trophy. [deletes the video]

Computer: DELETED.

Lincoln: Well, HamstaCam, looks like you win.

[Extra footage of HamstaCam shows the hamster slipping out of his wheel and getting sprayed by his drinking tube]

Lincoln: I guess it's hard for anyone to have the camera on you all the time. [gets an idea] Camera on you all the time! That's it! [goes to Luan] Luan! You said your one simple rule is to always have your camera on, right?

Luan: That is correct, Captain Obvious.

Lincoln: Then I'm going to need to borrow all your footage of me.

Luan: You mean...Comedy Fort Knox? [reveals a vault of footage of Lincoln she's filmed over the years]

Later in Lincoln's room...

Lincoln: Hey, fifth grade! Lincoln Loud here! Ever wonder what happens when one brother messes up and embarrasses all ten of his sisters? I didn't think you would. But this is how you fix it. [holds up a copyright card] Oh, and for legal reasons, all videos were provided by Luan Loud Out, LLC. All right reserved, patent pending. Let 'er rip!

So Lincoln made a new video, and this time it all about him and all of his embarrassing moments. From grooming his chest hair, to smooching a picture of Cristina, to watching a sappy reality show, to sleeping with his stuffed bunny, and even more smooching. Soon everone was laughing out loud at his video. Except for a stunned Cristina.

Female Classmate: Oh, Lincoln.

Male Classmate: And just to be clear, we're laughing at you, not with you.

Female Classmate: I thought your sisters' video was embarrassing, but this takes the cake! And still to lose out to a hamster? Ouch! [Lincoln sighs in defeat]

By the time he got home, Lincoln sees his sisters are STILL mad at him.

Lori: [sternly] Lincoln...

Lincoln: [apologetically] I know I embarrassed you and I can't undo it, and I'm sorry, but the least I could do was embarrass myself right along with you, that way we'd all be even!

Lynn: Even? You think this makes us even?

Lincoln: Well, I was trying to-

Laney: It totally makes us even!

Lynn: Yeah, yours was way worse!

Lori: [cheerfully] Yeah! That video was hysterical!

[The girls surround Lincoln and ensure him that they forgive him]

Lincoln: So, we're good?

Lucy: We're good...brother.

Luan: Sorry you didn't win the trophy.

Lori: But we really appreciate what you did and thought you deserved something. [hands him a tiny trophy]

Lincoln: Wow. Thanks, guys.

Lola and Lynn hug him and Luna pats him on the head. He runs to the case and puts the trophy in his spot, Laney came over and puts her arm around him.

Laney: Well, you finally did it.

Lincoln: Yep, you guys no longer despise me. Cristina's switching classes, and I finally made the case.

[Another flatulent sound occurs and the other girls look at Lori suspiciously]

Lori: It was my shoe!

Laney and Lincoln only giggled.


	7. Driving Miss Hazy

Driving Miss Hazy

Today, Laney was doing something completely different. She was in kitchen washing dishes. She placed all the clean plates and bowls in nice stacks. And while she was placing the last stack of plates she was jumped by sound her sister Lucy.

Lucy: Hey Laney.

Laney: AAH! [she threw the plates up in the air and ending up juggling them as they landed, she slipped on a splash of water and fell breaking the plates] Oh dear...

Lucy: So what's your excuse?

Laney: [stands up] Well, tomorrow's Liam's birthday party and since Lori is the only sibling who's old enough to drive, I asked her if she can drive me to his house. She said she will If I do the dishes. [sees the broken dishes on the floor] Though, something tells me I might be a little late.

Lucy: Why would you go to some kid's birthday party anyway?

Laney: I heard he has a bounce house. I've never bounced on one before, but it's sounds fun! What about you?

Lucy: I wrote a poem for Lori's ten week anniversary for taking me to the cemetery. It's called "Bobby".

Lucy: [clears throat]

" **Bobby, I thought you were a stalker**

 **When you left brownies in my locker**

 **Bobby-** "

Laney: Uh. That's very nice Lucy. [sighs] I'm going to Lori's room. Perhaps I can make it before Liam opens his presents.

She walks upstairs to Lori's room, and finds Lincoln talking to his dumb blonde sister Leni. She continues to walk to Lori when Lincoln notices her.

Lincoln: Where you going Laney?

Laney: I was seeing if Lori can take me to Liam's house. Maybe she has something that doesn't involve anything breaking. [picks a piece of a broken plate out of her hair] Ow.

Lincoln: What if I told you that there was a way to drive you anywhere you want to go, without doing any medial task?

Laney: I'm listening.

Later, Laney, Lincoln, and Leni were in the living room playing Total Turbo XXII. Hoping it will teach Leni how to drive.

[Lincoln puts the game into the console and gives Leni the steering wheel controller]

Leni: Wow! It's just like a real spinny thingy!

Lincoln: Technically, it's called a steering wheel. So, you ready to get started?

Leni: WAIT! I need my special driving outfit! [changes into her special driving outfit and makes a couple of poses]

Lincoln: Great. So, can we get sta-

Leni: WAIT! I need my special driving smoothie! [makes a smoothie and takes a sip] It's a soy pumpkin cookie crumble cream. It's seasonal!

Lincoln: Great. So, now can we-

Leni: Wait!

Lincoln: [exasperated] What is it now?

Leni: Aren't you gonna open the door for me? [takes another sip of her smoothie]

Lincoln: [sighs and pretends to open a car door with the sofa as the car] Click! Creak!

Leni: What a gentleman. [sits down]

[The game starts and Leni's image is the player]

Laney: Nice looking avatar.

Leni: Aw. Thanks! Wait, what's an avatar?

Lincoln: Okay, all you have to do is keep the steering wheel straight, and you'll-

[As soon as Leni starts playing, she crashes into the wall and the game is over]

Leni: Like that?

Lincoln: Um...let's try again.

[Leni chooses to continue]

Lincoln: Just keep the wheel straight.

[Leni crashes again]

Lincoln: Okay, one more time.

[Leni continues]

Lincoln: The road is straight, so keep the wheel straight.

[Leni crashes again and her virtual self jumps out of the car and it explodes, resulting in yet another game over]

Lincoln: [irritated by his sister's incompetence] Leni! You have to stay on the road!

Leni: [tosses controller in frustration] But, what's the point? We're not going anywhere fun!

Laney: Let's move this along... [clears throat] Actually Leni, were going to the mall.

Leni: [gasps and takes controller back] Why didn't you say so?

Game announcer: GAME ON!

[This time, Leni plays the game like a pro with words of praise such as "Good!", "Holy Cow!" and "Dang, Girl!" appear on-screen]

Lincoln: Wow! Go, Leni!

Laney: I may be shy, but I am smart.

Leni: [her player stuck behind a Sunday driver] Move it, slowpoke! Mama needs a new driving dress! [drives off a billboard and moves ahead; gets to the mall at the end of the level and beats Lincoln's high score]

Lincoln: [amazed] That was incredible!

Leni: [has her virtual self punch an old lady] Outta my way, granny!

Lincoln: Easy there fast and furious. [takes away controller]

Leni: BUT I HAVE TO GET TO THE MALL!

Lincoln: The mall can wait. You've got a driving test to pass. [Leni grins and heads out the door] Go, Leni, go! Go, Leni, go! [notices Leni went in the wrong direction] Wait! The bus stop is that way! [Leni turns around and heads the other way] Go, Leni, go! Go, Leni, go!

Moments later, Leni was escorted back home by a cop. You can tell things did not go well. The cop handed citations labeled "Crazy Mall Chick", "Incident Report", "Forgot the speed limit", "What are "blinky blinks"?", "Hijacked test vehicle", "Assaulted Instructor Jelinski", and "NOTE: Culprit is dangerous". Mrs. Jelinski was in the police car yelling at Leni for her maniacal driving.

Leni: It's not fair! When I did all that in the game, I won! You guys need to get your rules straight! [heads upstairs]

Laney: [sighs] Well, thanks for trying Lincoln. But I guess there are some people who just can't be taught. [also heads upstairs]

Lincoln: B-B-But wait! This can still work.

Laney and Leni had already left upstairs. Then Lori appeared from the dining room after hearing everything that happened.

Lori: Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln. That's your plan? Teaching Leni to drive? She can't even drive a lawnmower.

[flashback to when Leni tried mowing the lawn]

Leni: [panicking] AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! MAKE IT STOP! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! [drives the mower through the hedges; flashback ends]

Lori: Trust me. You're gonna fail. You and Leni both. Now, where's Lynn. She owes me a pedicure. [looks for Lynn]

Lincoln: This isn't over yet. [shakes fist]

Lincoln was determined to teach Leni how to drive. He went to Lori and Leni's room to see Leni going back to literally making Lori's bed.

Lincoln: Hey, Leni. [amazed at how she's doing] What are you doing?

Leni: Going back to making Lori's bed.

Lincoln: Nice craftsmanship. But you can't give up on driving. It was my fault you didn't pass the test.

Leni: Maybe I'm just not meant to be behind the spinny thingy. You know?

Lincoln: No. See, my video game approach was all wrong. Let me try a different method. [holds up an instruction manual]

Lincoln has set up a pretend car test for Leni to practice on.

Lincoln: Okay, lesson one: preparing to drive.

[enter Lynn with a sanding tool]

Lynn: Ah, you're teaching Leni to drive? Score! Can I help? I'm sick of sanding Lori's calluses! Ugh, barf! [tosses tool away]

Lincoln: Thanks, Lynn!

Lucy: [out of nowhere] Me too. [Lincoln and Leni scream at her appearance] I can't write another poem for Bobby. I've run out of words that rhyme with 'babe'.

Lincoln: [chuckles nervously] Thanks, Lucy...

[suddenly, all of the other sisters come in wanting to help Leni learn to drive and get out of doing tasks for Lori]

Lola: I can help!

Luna: I'll help! I'll help!

Luan: Me, too! I wanna help!

Lana: Me me me me!

Lisa: I can be of assistance.

[enter Laney with a feather duster]

Laney: Are we seriously doing this again? Haven't we already established that Leni can't drive, and she can't be taught! I want no part of this!

Luna: C'mon dudette. You wanna bounce at that party don't ya?

Laney: Well I do, but...

Lana: And all this work for an escort is really getting tiring.

Laney: Um...

Luan: C'mon Lanes, you can't be mad at Leni 'cause she drived you crazy. [laughs]

Luna: All were sayin' is give Leni a chance.

The kids came up to stubborn Laney and they all smiled at her with hopes in their eyes.

Laney: Promise this will go well?

Lincoln: Trust me Laney, this time my plan is foolproof.

Laney: As long as the fool doesn't crash and burn like last time. [sighs] What have I got to lose?

Lincoln: Great! Now guys, we need to set it up like a real car. [They gather up some of their things and do as Lincoln told them] Thanks, guys! Luna's bass drum is the brake. And Luan's whoopee cushion is the accelerator. [puts foot on them to demonstrate their uses]

Luan: Accelerator? Don't you mean gas? [chuckles] Get it?

Lincoln: This golf club's the gear shift. The wreath is the steering wheel. Car horn, turn signal, and...oh! These keys... [grabs Lily's baby toy keys] ...are, well...the keys. Got all that?

[the others smile in hope]

Leni: [obviously confused] ...Sure.

Others: GREAT!

Lincoln: Okay, first, fasten your seat belt.

[Lola puts some of her beauty pageant sashes on them to simulate the seat belts]

Leni: That was easy.

Lincoln: Next, check your mirrors.

Leni: [panicking] Why? Do I look bad?

Lincoln: No, no, no, no. I meant-

Leni: [runs off] Stop the car! I can't drive in this hideous condition!

[everyone else groans; Leni comes back now wearing a helmet]

Leni: That's better.

Lincoln: [sighs] Lesson 12: Avoiding road hazards. There's a squirrel in the road. What do you do?

[Lily walks in dressed in a squirrel costume and makes squirrel chatter sounds; Leni gets out of her side and screams in horror; eventually, it seems hopeless as the others seem to have already given up]

Lincoln: Use your turn signal! [Leni taps Luna's drum] No, that's the brake! [Leni taps Luan's whoopee cushion] No, that's the gas! [Leni slaps him] No, that's my face! [points to ladle] This! This is the turn signal!

Leni: Oh! You mean the blinky blink?

Lincoln: [discombobulated] The blinky blink?

Leni: Yeah. It's right by the spinny thingy. [points to wreath]

Lincoln: The spinny... [realizes] Wait a minute! Laney, what exactly did you say to Leni last time?

Laney: I said we were going to the mall.

Lincoln: That's the problem! I haven't been speaking Leni!

Leni: There's a country named after me?

Lincoln: No. I mean, I haven't been using words you understand. Let me try again. Use the blinky blink. [Leni nods with a rattle sound effect and flips the blinky blink] Good. Now turn left. [Leni doesn't know] I mean, turn to your good side. [Leni gets it and turns to her good side] Now we're getting somewhere! Hey, crew, we're gonna need some new car parts.

So the kids replaced everything with shoes and boots, things only Leni understands.

Lincoln: This is a break pedal. What does the break pedal do? [Leni doesn't know] White shoes after Labor Day!

Leni: Ew, stop!

Lincoln: Exactly.

Luan: [takes back her whoopee cushion] I gas you won't be needing this. [chuckles]

[Lola scowls painfully at Luan's pun and hands Lincoln a Go-Go boot]

Lincoln: This is the gas pedal. What does the gas pedal do? [Leni doesn't know] Boots from the 60's.

Leni: Go-Go!

Lincoln: Yes! Leni, I think you're ready for the next level!

Later Leni's skills were put to the test as she was on lawnmower.

Lincoln: Remember what we practiced, Leni!

Leni: Go-go boot! [accelerates] White shoe! [stops for a squirrel to pass] Go-go boot! [accelerates; heading for the hedges]

Siblings: [worried what might happen] Whoa! Watch out!

Leni: Good side! [turns left in the nick of time]

[Everyone starts cheering for her]

Lincoln: She's doing it! Yeah, nice job, Leni!

Leni: I'm doing it!

[Meanwhile, Lori has to do her laundry herself]

Lori: Stupid jeggings! [pulls them through the door only for them to fall on top of her] Where is everybody? LYNN! I'M STILL WAITING ON THAT PEDICURE!

She suddenly hears the others cheering outside and finds out that Leni has improved so much, that she can now sign her name on the lawn!

Lori: I'm not giving up the car keys that easily...

That night...

Lincoln: Night, Leni! You're gonna do great tomorrow! [leaves]

Leni: Night, Lincoln! Night, Lori!

[Lori is fast asleep; Leni puts on her sleeping mask and reaches for the lamp switch]

Lori: Click.

Leni: Got it! [goes to sleep]

Lori was determined to make sure she is the only sibling who can drive. So she slips a fake driving instruction tape over Leni's ears to ensure that she will be doomed to fail.

Recording: Never check your mirrors. Always comment on your driving instructor's weight. In America, we drive on the left side of the road.

Lori goes back to bed with a sinister grin on her face with Leni being none the wiser. The next day, Lincoln was waiting for Leni to get back from her driving test, unaware of what happened last night. Lori came by with her load of jeggings, confident about her nasty trick.

Lori: Ah! There you are! Don't you need a ride to the comic book store? And lavender sheets. Don't forget. [hands him jeggings]

Lincoln: No, thanks. [hands jeggings back] I think I'll wait for Leni to get back from taking her driving test, with her new license.

Lori: Pssht. She's not gonna pass. Now, get to washing. [passes jeggings]

Lincoln: [passes back] Actually, I'm pretty sure she will pass.

Lori: No she won't. Because I made sure of it.

Lincoln: [shocked at what Lori just said] Wait. What?

Lori: Nothing!

Lincoln: Oh, no, you don't! [grabs a sweater with a wolf howling at the full moon] So help me, Lori, I will shrink your favorite Bobby sweater in the dryer if you don't tell me what you-

Lori: [admitting defeat] STOP! FINE! [grabs sweater and puts it on] I might have sabotaged Leni by giving her bad driving instructions while she slept, but it's just because if Leni can drive, my room will never be clean and no one will ever need me for anything ever again! [Gets sadder near the end]

Lincoln: Are you crazy, woman?! What if your bad driving instructions make Leni crash? What if she gets hurt?

Lori: I didn't think of that...

Lincoln: We gotta get to the DMV!

Lori busts out the keys. Then the two were driving to the DMV to find Leni not totally hurt.

Lori: [relieved] Oh, thank goodness, she's okay.

Lincoln: [still hopeful] And maybe she passed!

Unfortunately, the same cop from before arrives meaning only one thing...

Cop: No, she did not! She did, however, drive on the wrong side of the road, neglected to check her mirrors and commented on the driving instructor's weight!

Lori: [gets in the van; heartbroken] Well, that makes 14. Guess I'll have to drive a lawnmower forever.

Lincoln: Look, Leni. It wasn't your fault.

Leni: Yes, it was. You worked so hard to help me pass. You even learned to speak Leni. Which I still can't believe there's a country named after me. [sighs] I blew it. I was just thinking about all the fun places I would drive us to. The mall, the comic book store, the mall...I'm sorry I let you down.

[As Leni laments at her failure, Lori feels extremely guilty for her follies]

Lori: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! It was my fault! I sabotaged your test.

Leni:: [not knowing the meaning of the word] Sabo...tage?

Lincoln: It's like she went and bought the dress she knew you wanted.

Leni: [gasps] HOW COULD YOU?!

Lori: I'm really sorry, Leni. But I know how to make it up to you.

Leni: [excited] You'll buy me the dress?! [Lincoln and Lori facepalm at her taking Lincoln's example literally]

Lincoln: It was really nice of you to help Leni practice for her next test.

Lori: [a little shaken] It's the least I could do.

[Leni has driven the van into a swimming pool, having forgotten all she learned from Lincoln's training]

Leni: Is this the carpool lane?


	8. No Guts, No Glori

No Guts, No Glori

It was friday night at the Loud House. Laney was reading her book in her room till she caught an odd scent.

Laney: [sniffs] Hey, you guys smell something?

Lucy and Lynn caught the scent as well, and it worried them. For they knew what it was.

Lucy: It's mom's expensive perfume!

Lynn: It's date night!

Laney: IT'S... what's happening now?

[whistle blows]

Laney: Oh...

Yes, Lori was babysitting once again, much to everyone's dismay. The girl gets a kick out of bossing her sisters around. In this she is known as The Queen Of-

Lori: NO! [unplugs Luna's amplifiers] NO MUSIC! [tosses Lana's mud pie in the trash] NO MUD PIES! [approaches Leni who's talking on the phone] NO-

Leni: Way! That's totes cray cray!

Lori: [hangs up Leni's call] NO PHONE CALLS! [takes away Laney's book] NO READING!

Laney: Hey! You can't just-

Lori gave Laney an intimidating look.

Laney: Nevermind...

Poor Laney couldn't stand up her big sister. She had a thing for following house rules, and couldn't bare to break any of them.

Now back to our story...

[Lori dresses up in a military uniform and blows a whistle that summons her siblings and the pets to the front room]

Lori: At ease! [Everyone feels calmer now] JUST KIDDING! NOBODY IS TO BE AT EASE IN MY PRESENCE! [the others regain their forms] As you know, Mom and Dad left me in charge. That means, you have to do as I say, whether you're tall, short, or covered in fur and can only understand the word "sit".

[Charles, Cliff, and Geo sit down on command, but Walt tips over in his attempt and knocks Geo's hamster ball to the side]

Lori: [busts out a chart of tonight's schedule] Now, here is our schedule for this evening.

 **6:00 to 7:00: Sitting on bed with arms folded.**

 **7:00 to 7:30: Chow.**

 **7:30 to 8:00: Thorough cleaning of mess hall.**

 **8:00: Staring at wall until falling asleep**..

Everyone got that?

Lincoln, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Laney, Lola, Lisa, and Lily: MAM, YES, MAM!

Lana: SIR, YES, SIR!

[Lori glares at Lana for calling her "sir"]

Lori: DISMISSED!

[Lincoln opens his door and puts a note in Geo's hamster ball]

Lincoln: Hey, Geo. Want a snack, boy? [tosses the snack over to Lola and Lana's door]

He then used Geo to gather every sister to his room to discuss the concern of Lori's babysitting methods.

Lincoln: Rooms? More like prison cells! Every time Lori's left in charge, she makes our lives miserable. Well, I say no more! It's time to take back our Friday nights! Luna, do you like it when Lori unplugs your amp mid-jam?

Luna: It's way harsh.

Lincoln: And Lana, how about when Lori throws out your mud pies?

Lana: I work hard on those!

Lincoln: And Lily, what about when Lori won't let you run around naked? [Lily takes off her diaper and blows a raspberry in protest] Then let's do something about it!

Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola, Lana, Lisa, and Lily: YEAH!

Laney: WAIT! [they all look at her] Um, I know you guys have a problem with Lori's rules but we shouldn't resort to breaking them.

Lana: Yeah right! Like we take advice from a suckup!

Laney: Suck-up? What are you talking about?

Lana: You've never broken a rule in your life! Always puttin' on a goody goody routine for Lori.

Laney: Hey! I can be a rulebreaker to Lori.

Lana: Then why can't you?

Laney: Ummm. Maybe, because there are some specific rules...

Lana: Or maybe, you're afraid of her!

Lincoln, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola, Lisa, and Lily: Ooooh!

Laney: [furious] THAT'S IT! COUNT ME IN!

Lincoln: Alright, now here's the plan...

Back in Lori and Leni's room, Lori is trying to paint her toenails like in Sixteen 1/2 Magazine, but she doesn't seem to have gotten it down. Suddenly, Luna's jam is back on, which Lori does not take well as it's going against her orders.

Lori: [sees Lily playing] Lily? What are you-

[Just then, there are some creaks and Lori notices that the others are right behind her; they tackle her and she screams for help; just then, it's revealed that they tied her up to a chair]

Lori: [furious] Hey! What is going on?

Lincoln: Your power trip is over! We're taking back our Friday nights!

Lori: Power trip?

Lincoln: Just admit it. You get a sick thrill out of bossing us around.

[The other sisters concur]

Lori: You think I enjoy this? Unfortunately, I'm the only one who can keep this house from ending up in a pile of rubble! It's not like any of you could do it.

Lana: Yuh-huh. Lincoln could.

Lincoln: [surprised] I could?

Laney: Yeah! He's twice the better babysitter than you! We're thinkin' Lincoln!

Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola, Lana, Lisa, and Lily: WE'RE THINKIN' LINCOLN! WE'RE THINKIN' LINCOLN!

[Lincoln and Lori are flabbergasted at this]

Lori: [condescendingly] Lincoln in charge? Ha! He couldn't lead Cliff to the litter box.

[Cliff is right next to his little box and suddenly goes right on the carpet]

Lincoln: Oh yeah? Challenge accepted! [takes the whistle] Take her away!

[the other sisters carry her to her room]

Lori: You won't last five minutes! [laughs maniacally] HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Lincoln: [shuts the door] Lola, guard this door. No one goes in, no one comes out.

[Lola nods in agreement and gets a Golf club to guard the door while dressing up as a security guard]

Lincoln: Say goodbye to the Queen of No... [tosses whistle on the floor] ...and hello to the King of Yes!

[The sisters cheer in victory. Luna is finally jamming out]

Lincoln: Yes to music! [cranks the tunes and puts a happy face on Lana's mud pie] Yes to mud!

Leni: [on the phone] Seriously?

Lincoln: Yes to phone calls! [gives Laney her book] Yes to reading! And yes to video games!

[turns his game on]

SUPER MEGA BRAWLERS TURBO FIGHTER XXIV

Game announcer: Round 1: Fight!

But just before Lincoln can finally start playing, Leni screams and Lincoln pauses the game to see what's wrong; it turns out that Luan is chasing Leni around with a rubber spider.

Lincoln: Uh...okay. Have fun. Just don't get too crazy.

[Just then, Luna's amps are at a really high volume]

Lincoln: RAD SOUNDS! MAYBE NOT SO LOUD! [turns it down a little which Luna doesn't understand]

[Lincoln tries to get back to his game, but there's a suddenly explosion and the smoke alarm goes off; Lisa comes out of her room]

Lincoln: [concerned] What was that?!

Lisa: It's science. You wouldn't understand. [just then, a tentacle grabs Lisa and drags her back in] AAH! [the door closes]

Meanwhile, Laney walked through the kitchen to see part of it covered in mud from Lynn.

Laney: What are you doing?

Lynn: Can't ride a dirt bike without dirt.

Laney: Dirt bike? You can't ride a dirt bike in the house!

Lynn: What are ya gonna do? Tell Lori? [chuckles]

Annoyed by the thought of her being a rule-following suckup. Laney went to the fridge and grabbed some lefover pizza and went to the dining room. She hid under the the table, the spotted Lana.

Laney: Hey Lana! Would a suck-up do this?

She then throws the slice of pizza, but Lana dodged ad it hit Lucy instead. It was silent for a moment, then Lucy had some waffles in her hands.

Lucy: Game on.

They all smiled and they commenced an all out food fight. In which Lincoln was caught in the middle of. He shields himself with a cookie sheet and the pizza and waffles plaster all over it and make a rather gorgeous painting which impresses him. Meanwhile at the messed up table, Laney couldn't help but laugh at how much fun that was.

Laney: That. Was. Great!

Lana: I knew you'd come around.

Laney: Why stop here? We got the whole night to ourselves! What do you say we get reeeeeeeeally crazy!?

Lana: Now your talkin'!

And so the whole night, the two did everything together. Mudskiing on Lynn's dirtbike, raving to Luna's jams, and scaring Leni. It was the best friday night Laney ever had. But all Lincoln could see was the house turned to a complete mess.

Luna: FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK! [sets her amps to "Super Max" and has fireworks all set up for a big finale]

Lincoln: LUNA! [slow motion] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Too late! Luna plays a chord and the noise blasts Lincoln right into the wall which leaves a dent of unsightly residue. Just then, Lori's taunting words echoed in his mind.

Echo Lori: Lincoln in charge? Ha! He couldn't lead Cliff to the litter box.

[Cliff is right next to his litter box, but goes on the fireplace instead]

Lincoln: [irked] Oh, really, Cliff? [gets steamed up; unplugs Luna's amps] No guitar playing... [stops Lynn from riding her bike in the house] ...no dirt bikes, and no science experiments! [takes Lisa's beakers and tosses them, causing an explosion]

The others aren't too happy with Lincoln suddenly changing his mind.

Lynn: Who do you think you are? Lori?

[They all start laughing at him and go back to enjoying their Friday night]

Lincoln: No. I'm not. [realizing] Lori! [heads to Lori's room only to be stopped by Lola]

Lola: Hey! No one goes in, no one comes out! Boss's orders!

Lincoln: Those were my orders! Let me in!

Lola: I'm gonna need you to step back, sir.

Lincoln: Sorry about this, Lola. [charges at Lola with a war cry; Lola whacks him with the golf club and knocks him out]

[As soon as Lincoln comes to, he sees that Lola tied him up like they tied Lori up]

Lola: Uh, no no no. I'm sorry, Lincoln. ANYONE ELSE?! [beat] I DIDN'T THINK SO!

[Lincoln can't break free and sees Geo]

Lincoln: Geo! You want a treat, boy? [Geo rolls over to get the treats] They're in my back pocket. Come on. Get 'em! [Geo starts gnawing on the rope] Little more. [Geo bites in a soft spot] YOW! Too far! [Geo gets him free] Good boy. [gives him a treat]

Meanwhile, Lori has somehow already broken free of her rope bindings and is filing her nails.

Lincoln: Lori! Lori! [climbs in through window]

Lori: Ha! I knew you wouldn't last five minutes.

Lincoln: [despondently] It's only been five minutes? [gets it together] It's a mad house down there! You've got to help me!

Lori: Nah. I'm thinkin' Lincoln. You handle it.

Lincoln: I can't! You're the only one who can keep this house from ending up in a pile of rubble. [Luna's fireworks go off] Or ashes.

Lori: And?

Lincoln: I couldn't lead Cliff to the litter box.

Lori: And?

Lincoln: I'm sorry.

Lori: That's all I needed to hear. [puts on military shades] Let's roll!

[They open the door with Lola still standing guard]

Lincoln: I don't know how to get past her. She's an animal.

[Lori covers his mouth, holds up a pile of glitter, and blows it in Lola's direction]

Lola: [giddily chases after the sparkly cloud] GLITTER!

Lincoln: [impressed] Glitter. Nice.

They go downstairs where Lincoln shows Lori the chaos caused by their sisters' antics.

Lincoln: [scared] See what I mean?!

Lori: Observe. [busts out her whistle and blows it and gets their attention] MOM AND DAD ARE GONNA BE HOME IN 10 MINUTES!

[The other sisters hurry and get to cleaning up the mess they made]

Lincoln: Brilliant.

Lori: Yeah, you learn a few tricks as you get older. [hears her phone ringing and answers it] Hello? Uh-huh. Sure. Okay. Bye. [hangs up]

Lincoln: Who was that?

Lori: Mom and Dad. They're gonna be home in 10 minutes.

Lincoln: [panicking] WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!

Lori: I got this. Luna. A little clean up music?

Luna: You got it, sis!

And so, everyone was doing their part to clean up the mess in the house. Lana puts the fish back in the tank, Lisa scrubs up the living room with a soap cannon and the help of her tentacle friend. Leni and Luan untangle the phone wire, Lynn uses the hose to clean the kitchen and then puts it outside. Cliff is about to go on the carpet, but Lori glares at him and he obeys to go in his litter box, Lola ties up some trash and Lynn yanks it up on her dirt bike. Lincoln fishes out Lily's diaper and puts it on her, they do the finishing touches and carry everything else away as if the house was the same as it was when their parents left.

Luna: GOODNIGHT, LOUD HOUSE!

The other sisters go back to their rooms after a crazy Friday night. Their parents are approaching and just as it seems all is well, there's still a dent in the wall from Lincoln's impact caused by Luna's power chord.

Lincoln: [gasps] The wall! [sees the painting from the food fight] Lori! Catch! [tosses it to Lori]

[Lori catches it and puts it right over the dent; their parents enter]

Lynn Sr.: Wow! I can't believe the house is still standing!

Lincoln: What'd you expect? Lori's in charge.

Rita: So, what are you guys up to?

Lori: Oh, we were just about to play a video game. You can't say "no" all the time.

Rita: Oh, and look at this lovely piece of food art the kids made.

All seems well and Lori and Lincoln begin to play some Super Mega Brawlers Turbo Fighter XXIV. But...

Lynn Sr.: [screams] WHAT HAPPENED TO MY GOLF CLUB?!

Lori and Lincoln realize they forgot something and are gonna get it. Laney and Lana overheard everything from upstairs and giggled.

Laney: Well, I guess we won't have another friday night like that again. But It was fun spending some time with you guys.

Lana: Yeah, not bad. For a suckup! [playfully punches Laney's arm]

Laney: [laughs] So, shall we do this again tomorrow.

Lana: Yeah, right.

They both go into their rooms. Saying goodnight to a totally fun day they will never do again.


	9. The Sweet Spot

The Sweet Spot

One night in the Loud house, Lincoln was setting things up for tomorrow's road trip.

Lincoln: Ah, road trips. That beloved tradition for families everywhere. Tomorrow, the Loud family's going on a trip of our own. Sounds fun, right? Not with 14 of us packed into the family wagon. Or as we affectionately call it: 'Vanzilla'. [looks down at the family van] Every seat in Vanzilla offers one kind of torture or another.

That is true. When he sat next to Lily, he was bombarded with beets and juice. He always caught in the crossfire between Lola and Lana in their seat. And he certainly couldn't sit at the front behind his parents...

Lynn Sr.: Feet off the seat!

[Lincoln looks at Lynn Sr., whose furious eyes can be seen in the driver's mirror]

That and it was next to the one working speaker...

Lynn Sr.: Ooh, honey. It's our prom theme. Prrrrrrrr!

[He turns up the music even louder, much to Lincoln's annoyance.]

But soft, there was one person in all of Vanzilla who was the least bit of trouble during trips. That's right, little Laney. And she had it just as rough as Lincoln. Being the 12th sibling it was always cramped for her, and she never had a moment's peace. How she longed for a peaceful spot in the car where she would relax the whole trip. Little did she know, there was!

[Lincoln x's out more seats until he points to the first seat from the second row]

Lincoln: From my calculations, that leaves just one seat safe from it all. I call it 'The Sweet Spot.' And tomorrow, it will be mine, 'cause I'm gonna stake it out tonight.

Lincoln notices that everyone else in the house has fallen asleep.

Lincoln: There's my cue. Everyone's asleep. It's go time.

[Lincoln tiptoes out of his room. He steps on Cliff's tail. Cliff meows loudly until Lincoln pets him to sleep. He goes out the house and into the car.]

Lincoln: Come in, Nose Bleeder. This is Road Tripper.

Clyde: Sorry, Road Tripper. I have to keep the line for my friend Lincoln.

Lincoln: This is Lincoln.

Clyde: Oh. Hi, Lincoln!

Lincoln: Operation Sweet Spot is a success. I've secured the seat.

Clyde: Great job. [pause] So, who did you get to sit next to you?

Lincoln: Who did I get to sit next to me?

Lincoln shouts in anger and goes back to his room. He needed someone to sit beside him the whole trip but it's got to be someone who isn't much trouble.

It can't be Luan...

[Flashback; Lincoln is sitting next to Luan in the car]

Luan: [hits Lincoln with a pillow] Airbag deployed! [Laughs]

And it cant be Lola...

[switch over to Lola giving Lincoln a manicure while his hand is oddly bobbing up and down]

Lola: Hold still!

Lincoln: [voice vibrating; bobbing up and down thanks to the spring] I can't! I'm on the spring seat!

And it clearly can't be Lynn...

Lynn: Let's play Auto Attack.

Lincoln: How do you play that?

Lynn: I punch you every time I see a car. [sees a car carrier with a ton of cars driving by] Ooh...good timing. [starts throwing a barrage of punches at Lincoln; end flashback]

Lincoln: I got it! Leni!

[Flashback to a road trip with a dazed Leni]

Lincoln: The motion of the car always puts her in a daze, and she'll leave me alone.

[End flashback; Lincoln goes to Lori and Leni's room]

Leni: [having a fashion nightmare] Oh, scrunchies! Oh, leg warmers!

Lincoln: Leni! Leni. LENI! [shakes her awake] Oh, good. You're awake. Listen. Will you sit next to me in the car tomorrow?

Leni: Sure. I mean, it's the least I could do. You did just save me from a bad fashion nightmare. [goes back to sleep]

Lincoln: Yes! [leaves]

Leni: [having another nightmare] SOCKS WITH SANDALS!

[Lincoln sneaks back to the Sweet Spot]

Lincoln: [on radio] Road Tripper to Nose Bleeder.

Clyde: Sorry, Road Tripper. I have to keep this line-

Lincoln: It's Lincoln! Operation: Seat Next To The Sweet Spot is a success.

Clyde: Excellent! [pause] So, who's sitting behind you?

Lincoln: Who's sitting behind me? [shouts in anger again; back in his room] Ah, so many ways to ruin the Sweet Spot! All right, who can I have behind me? Definitely not Lana.

[Flashback to Lana sitting behind Lincoln and torturing him with a peashooter]

Lincoln: Can you please stop?

[Lana fires a pea right into his mouth and he starts choking; flashback to a trip where Lori was behind him]

Lincoln: Definitely not Lori. She spends the whole ride texting with Bobby. Which means...

Lori: [gags from nausea] CARSICK! [throws up on Lincoln and takes a picture of her vomit] I totally have to text that to Bobby! What did I eat?

And then it hit him. There was one person in the entire house who wasn't much trouble during roadtrips...

Lincoln: Laney! Out of all of my sisters she never fights, vomits, or punches me. She'll be perfect!

Lincoln went to Lucy and Lynn's room and queitly climbs up to Laney's bunk.

Lincoln: [nudges Laney] Psst, Laney.

Laney: Hmm...mm?

Lincoln: [whispers] How would you like a seat in most peaceful spot in all of vanzilla?

Laney: [whispers] The most peaceful spot in vanzilla? I'll belive it when I see it.

[Cut to Laney sitting on the spot in the car]

Laney: And, I can sit here with you?

Lincoln: Yup! Just think about it, we both share the same problem every road trip. Can't find a moment of quiet, always cramped. And not to mention the many hazards of vanzilla. Just stick with me and it's gonna be smooth sailng the whole trip.

Laney thought about it for a while, and as she thought, she imagined herself in the car sitting next to her big brother, reading her book and playfully kicking her legs. With no interruptions from her bothering sisters. She sighed happily at the idea.

Lincoln: Well?

Laney: Will you sit beside me? [Lincoln nodded, Laney smiled then shook her hand] I'm in! See you tomorrow. [gets off the car and walks her way back to her room] Gee! It must be so nice to have a seat all to yourself. No gum on your shorts, no fights, no puke...

?: No one punching your arm.

Laney: Oh yeah. Especially when it's part of a game made by- [notices all of her sisters in front of her] LYNN!

Lori: What's this about a whole seat to yourself?

Laney: Um, Oh no. Not possible, there's no sweet spot-[covered her mouth. her sisters glared at her] Oh dear...

Moments later, they knocked at the car window waking Lincoln up.

Lincoln: [rolls down the window] Hey, guys. What's up?

Lola: What are you up to, Lincoln?

Lincoln: [acting] Me? I'm not up to anything. Just, you know, catching some Z's in the car like guys do.

Lori: [livid] Oh yeah? Then what's...THIS?

[They show Lincoln his seating chart, having found out about his operation]

Lincoln: [infuriated] You went in my room?!

Lori: That's not the hot issue right now.

Lana: That's the Sweet Spot? And why are you in it?

Lincoln: Oh, it's...uh...it's the worst seat in the whole car! I put myself in it so none of you would have to suffer.

Lucy: Then why is it called the Sweet Spot?

Lincoln: Because I'm being sweet?

Lisa: [calculating on the trunk door] According to my calculations, the Sweet Spot is actually the best seat in the car for various reasons including air circulation, proximity to parental units, and the lack of chewable adhesive on the cushion.

Lincoln: [outraged] It took me eight months to figure that out! [He headpalms in frustration, as his sisters glare angrily at him]

Lisa: Shocker.

Lori: Well, if that's the best seat, then I should get it. [Look down at her siblings] I'm the oldest.

Luna: You'd just barf all over it, dude! I should have it!

Lola: Beauty before age!

Lana: [retorts] Yeah! So I should get it!

Luna: That seat belongs to me!

Leni: No! I want it!

Lincoln: You can yell all you want, but I'm already in the seat. And possession is 9/10 of the law.

Lynn: [threatening] You're gonna possess a bruise in a minute!

The girls all glare at Lincoln, demanding him to hand over the Sweet Spot. Laney then came over to once again be the voice of reason.

Laney: No girls! We shouldn't fight! If this spot is so sweet, why don't we share it?

Lynn: Yeah right! There's only room for one of us on that seat!

Lola: She's just acting nice so she can have it to herself!

Laney: No! W-Wait...

Lana: Get them!

Lincoln grabs Laney inside the car and and rolls up the window before they can attack and thinks he's safe. His sisters angrily yell at him, as he stares at them in triumph, but to Lincoln's shock, Luan opens a door and is peeved.

Laney: You forgot about the broken lock...

Luan attacked the two then it turned to an all out brawl to see who will sit on the sweet spot. Poor Laney was caught in the middle of the whole thing. Then, their parents woke up to the ruckus outside.

Rita: [from Lori and Leni's room] THAT IS ENOUGH!

[The kids stop fighting]

Rita: EVERYONE BACK TO THEIR ROOMS THIS MINUTE! I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE IN THAT CAR UNTIL 7:00 AM! [rolls window down and turns off light]

Lori: Good luck getting the Sweet Spot now.

And so everyone went back to bed. Laney was still feeling a bit woozy after that fight.

Lynn: Don't even try to up tomorrow, cause I'm getting that spot!

Laney: [yawns] Good, you can have it. That "sweet spot" isn't so sweet if it's causing this much trouble. Goodnight...

But the very next day, Laney woke up to such a clatter.

Laney: Huh? Hey guys wake up..[sees that Lynn and Lucy are not in their beds. She knew what this means] Oh no!

She climbed out of her bunk and ran towards the sound of her siblings battling it out for the sweet spot. Laney then saw her parents looking out the window in Lori and Leni's room, she was worried. By the time she got there to stop the fight she was too late. She looked outside to see Vanzilla completely totaled.

Lynn Sr.: [weeping] That was my first car! And my dad's first car! And his dad's first car! [continues to sob]

Rita: [enraged] ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, BACK INSIDE! THE ROAD TRIP IS OFF! YOU ARE GOING TO SPEND THIS WEEKEND SITTING TOGETHER UNTIL YOU LEARN TO GET ALONG!

Kids: Awww!

Laney was disappointed that the road trip was cancelled, and she never had a chance to sit on the most peaceful spot in Vanzilla.

[A defeated Lincoln walks back in his room and furiously puts his duffle bag on his dresser]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] I'm sorry you had to see that. [He shuts his door] Well, Operation: Sweet Spot went sour. I guess I should have known that in a family this big, you just can't control every little thing. [slyly] That said, there's a Sweet Spot in the living room too. It's at the end of the couch; close to the bathroom with a great view of the TV. And it's going to be mine! [grabs his radio] Nose Bleeder, this is Couch Potato. Operation: Snag the Sofa is a go! [wails crazily and heads out the door to catch the best spot on the sofa, probably his sisters, minus Laney did as well. Meanwhile, Laney was walking to her room when she sees Lincoln running towards the living room. She only sighed]


	10. A Tale of Two Tables

A Tale of Two Tables

You may think a kiddie table can only be seen during the holidays, but with the Loud Family it's a part of everyday life. Tonight at the kids table, Laney thought she tried her hand at cooking. She made some cupcakes for dessert. She loved to spend dinner with her young siblings, especially her big brother Lincoln.

[Laney walks to the table with a tray of cupcakes, she smiles as she sees her sisters playing with their food]

Lana: Did you say peas? (jokingly flings peas at Lincoln)

[Lincoln blocks Lana's peas with his plate, causing them to bounce off and onto Lisa, which Lola laughs at her]

Lisa: Oh, you wanna play? Let's play... [brings out a tiny catapult and launches mashed potatoes only to hit Lincoln instead of Lana, much to Lana's surprise] My calibration seems to have been off by about sixteen degrees.

[Lana hits Lisa with her wiener]

Lana: Mine wasn't.

[Laney was wiping the mashed potatoes off Lincoln, Lisa noticed the tray and grabs one of Laney's cupcakes and catipulted it at Lana]

Laney: I'm so glad you liked them. I made them myself.

Lisa: It made excellent ammo for my catapult.

Lana: [licks the cupcake off her face] And delicious ammo. Hey, pass me that tray. [Laney gives the tray of cupcakes to Lana, which she uses to throw at Lisa. As they continued their food fight, Laney was talking to Lincoln]

Lincoln: How are you not annoyed by this? [gets hit by a cupcake] It's a mess over here!

Laney: Well, what do you expect. We're kids, Lincoln. We love making messes, playing with our food. You know, fun.

Lincoln: [sighs] Maybe for you, but I wish I can sit somewhere more civilized. [Laney notices Lincoln looking at the grownup table]

Laney: The grown up table? But Lincoln, you're not an adult.

Lincoln: I can dream can't I?

The boy then imagined himself at the grownup table, where everyone is dressed in fancy attire and the decor is exquisite.

Lincoln: So, I said to the Prime Minister, "Two breads are better than one!"

[everyone laughs at his joke]

Luan: Your comedy is so mature. Just like you.

[everyone raises their glasses to propose a toast to Lincoln]

Lori: To Lincoln! He puts the 'grownup' in 'grownup table'!

Everybody: To Lincoln!

[Lincoln blows kisses to them all only for the food fight to come and ruin his fantasy]

Lincoln: That's it! I don't belong here! I'm gonna go ask to join the grownup table!

Lola: Ha!

Lana: Good luck.

Lucy: You really think they're gonna let you?

Lily, Lisa, Lola, and Lana: Oooooooh!

[Lincoln suddenly imagines everyone at the grownup table laughing at his request to join them which causes his younger sisters to laugh as well]

Lincoln: You'll see. I'm gonna make it to the grownup table and leave all you children behind. [gets hit by mashed potatoes again]

Lincoln marches off to his room and Laney thought about what he just said.

Laney: Leave all us children behind?

Lucy: Don't worry Laney, I doubt that he will be accepted into the grown up table. He just doesn't know what it's like being a grown up.

Laney: What is it like being a grown up?

Lucy: I've seen what goes on over there. They just sit there, talking about boring stuff.

Lana: Never telling a single joke.

Lisa: They never know the true joys of a simple food fight.

Lucy: But most importantly, they stop having fun.

Laney's thoughts grew worrysome.

Laney: You don't think Lincoln will be like that, w-when he's at the grown up table do you?

Lucy: We all have to grow up someday Laney. Until then, you have nothing to worry about. [gets pelted by a cupcake by Lily, they continued their food fight]

That night Laney was still a bit worried about the whole grown up situation. She went up to her bed.

Laney: Now, I know Lincoln too well to know he's not gonna really turn into a boring adult. Perhaps I'm jumping to conclusions a bit too early. I'm sure this will blow over by tomorrow...

The next day Laney went down to the kitchen to get some breakfast, but as she got there she saw Lincoln drinking... coffee?

Lincoln: Good morning, everybody! Ah, nothing like that first cup of morning joe. [smells it] Ah, mountain grown. [takes a sip but then spits it out disliking the taste. The coffee was spat all over his sisters who aren't too happy about that]

Laney: Uhm... Lincoln? Are you okay?

Lincoln: Why never better little sister.

Lincoln walks away, leaving Laney confused. Later she went to get a book to read at the living room, where she happened to spot Lincoln with a newspaper in his hands.

Lincoln: Hey, guys. There's a really interesting article in here about how kids are maturing faster these days. They say 11 is the new 15.

[Lori and Leni take a quick glance at Lincoln and go back to what they were doing; Lincoln then turns on the TV to a White House press conference]

Lincoln: Ooh, the House is debating the new highways bill. This should be fascinating.

Laney begins to worry about her big brother. Could this mean he's becoming a stuffy, boring adult like Lucy said?

Laney: [gulps] Um.. Are you sure you're okay Lincoln. You're not acting like yourself.

Lincoln: Don't be ridiculous! I'm as normal as I can be. Though the back's a little stiff. Getting older ain't easy. Am I right, ladies?

Lori and Leni look at each other, shrug, and return to their tasks. But Laney was starting to fear of what's become of Lincoln. Later at dinner, Laney was at the kiddie table and she was sad to see that Lincoln was sitting at a different table.

Lisa: Something troubling you Laney?

Laney: [sighs] It's just that, Lincoln used to sit here.

Lana: Ah, leave em! He's with them now! With the boring grown ups.

Laney: Well, it was Lincoln's dream to be with a more sophisticated crowd. I should be happy for him, but I... can't.

Lola: Bah! He's probably having the time of his life.

But meanwhile at the other table, things turned boring for Lincoln. It was just quiet conversations and nothing else.

Rita: So, Lynn, how did you do on your math test today?

Lynn: Good, Mom. I think I really nailed those integers.

Lynn Sr.: So, Lori, I heard Bobby's dad had a hernia operation. How'd that go?

Lori: Um...okay, I guess.

Lincoln: [trying to beat the boredom] Hey! I heard a funny joke today.

Luan: We don't tell jokes at the grownup table.

Luna: Or sing, brah.

[Lincoln now feels even more bored after what he was just told and hears his younger sisters over by the kiddie table having fun]

Lisa, Lola, Lana, and Lucy: Beans, beans, the musical fruit! The more you eat, the more you-

Lana then makes fart noises with her armpit and they all have a good laugh, Laney couldn't help but smile. Lincoln slightly chuckles at their antics.

Lynn Sr.: Something funny, Lincoln?

Lincoln: Not at this table.

Laney continued to look at Lincoln from her table, and she still had an unsure feeling. That night, Laney was in her bed thinking about Lincoln.

Laney:[talks to herself] I should be happy for him, he finally got to sit at the grown up table like he wanted. But what about him turning to a grown up, I don't want to lose him. [sighs] Well, tomorrow's another day...[goes to sleep]

The very next night, Laney and Lincoln were walking to their seperate tables and while they were walking, Laney started a conversation with the boy.

Laney: Uh, Lincoln?

Lincoln: Yes Laney?

Laney: I know you wanted to be at the grown up table and be with the other sophiticated siblings but, and I'm not saying you shoud give this up, but perhaps you can stay ato our table one last time? It just isn't really a dinner without you...

Lincoln: [in a trance] But I can't Laney. I'm an adult now!

The room suddenly gets darker, then bars formed at the entrance to the dining room. Lincoln started to shift further away from Laney.

Laney: Lincoln!

She started to back away from this horror, then a fridge popped from the ground and opened up with Lucy inside.

Lucy: We all gotta grow up someday Laney...

Laney reviled in horror then a bunch of hands grabbed her.

Luan: Why don't you join us Laney...

They all pulled her into a dark inside from under the grown up table.

Laney: No! Please! I don't wanna be a grown up! I'm still a kid!

She was pulled deeper into the dark void until she woke up in her bed, revealing it was all a nightmare. But even if it was just a nightmare, she still couldn't do anything about Lincoln's new spot at the adult table.

That evening at dinner...

Laney: [sighs sadly]

Lana: Hey, you gonna eat that? [Laney pushes her plate to Lana]

Lola: Okay! You've been acting all sad for two nights. What's going on?

Laney: I just don't think i can get used to Lincoln being at a different table...

Lola: You're still griping about that? He's just eating somewhere else now. And besides, shouldn't happy for him?

Laney: That's what I thought. But then I realized if Lincoln did become a grown up, he wouldn't play with me anymore...

Lola: But he's not a grown up! He's like us! Kids who like get messy, make noise, start food fights! You know, fun!

Laney: I can't see the point if I can't have fun with the only brother I have...

They all looked at Laney for a moment.

Lana: Talk about dramatic...

Just then, Lana was pelted with mashed potatoes. It revealed the person who threw it was Lincoln!

Lincoln: Room for one more?

Laney: Lincoln! [went up to hug her brother] But I thought you were at the grown up table.

Lincoln: Turns out I wasn't fit for that table after all.

Laney: So you're not going to be a boring adult?

Lincoln: Actually, I'll have to grow up someday. Who told I'm gonna be boring? [Laney pointed at Lucy, Lincoln sighs] Look Lanes, I don't have to be a boring grown up. We have the opportunity to be anyone we want, have awesome jobs or be famous celebrities.

Laney: Wow. I never thought of it that way. I was too busy worrying about you leaving us.

Lincoln: Don't worry Laney. Because I know where I want to be. [sits down] So, what did I miss? Let's...ketchup! [squirts ketchup at his younger sisters; laughs and gets hit by potatoes three times]

And so Lincoln was glad to be back at the kiddie table. Just then Lynn popped in.

Lynn: Hey...can I join you guys?

Lincoln: Sure. The more, the merrier.

Lynn: [sitting down next to her younger brother] Oh. I never knew it was possible to make it out of the grownup table.

Soon more of Lincoln's sisters came in for a seat. Guess they weren't keen about the grown up table either.

Lori: Psst! Can we join, too?

Much to the joy of the younger siblings, they too are happy to be at the kiddie table as they pull in chairs and sit down altogether. Excited, all the Loud kids engage in a big food fight, altogether at the kiddie table laughing with joy.

Lynn Sr.:Finally, a little peace and quiet.

Rita: Did you say peas? [flings peas at her husband]

[they both laugh as they too enjoy these kinds of shenanigans]


	11. Project Loud House

Project Loud House

It was an early weekend morning at the Loud House, and inside we see little Laney waking up to another peaceful day. Though there wasn't anything peaceful living in a house with 10 sisters & 1 boy.

[Loud music as playing outside waking Laney up]

Laney: Hm?..

She then climbs out of her bunk, and left her room to see Lola and Lana fighting over a dollar, Luna jamming on her guitar, and Lincoln trying to sort out the whole mess.

Laney: (Thoughts) _Not a bad morning so far..._

Lucy: [right next to her sister] Good morning Laney.

Laney: [startled] Yah! Good morning, Lucy.

Lucy: For my new poem, I need a word that rhymes with "choose".

Laney: Um. How about "lose"?

Lucy: That works. [writes it down] Nice scar by the way.

Laney: Scar? What scar?

Lucy: The one on your neck.

Laney: On my... [places her hand on her neck and then she gasped in shock, realizing that she was missing one thing] My scarf!

Laney dashed back inside her room and went through her box. She scoured through the many things from her many hobby attempts. Her paints, her tutu, her microphone, but no scarf!

Laney: Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no!

She runs outside to the hallway hoping to find her scarf, she first finds Leni walking into the bathroom.

Laney: Uhm... Leni?

Leni: Oh, hey Laney. Where did you get that sca- [Laney covers Leni's mouth before she could finish her sentence]

Laney: Please don't tell mom and dad. I just want to know did you know where my scarf is? Since you're into fashion and all.

Leni: Oh, I have tons of scarves! I've got blue ones, striped ones, velvet ones. That one's a winner for fall clothing.

Laney: No, mine's red.

Leni: Hmm... I don't know. It's definitely not your color...

[Laney ignored that last part and continued]

Laney: Okay. Well, when was the last time you saw me with my scarf on?

Leni: Um. You were waking up...

Laney: That was just now! I meant what happened last night!

Leni: Oh, well, you were in the bathroom..

Laney dashed into the bathroom where she met up with Lucy again.

[Opens the door to see Lucy and jumped]

Lucy: A word that rhymes with "stuck"?

Laney: Luck?

Lucy: Thanks.

[She continues into the bathroom to search for her scarf]

Lincoln: Laney! Where are you? You're gonna miss breakfast!

Laney: Be right down! Uh...

She looks around for something to wrap around her neck, the closest she can find was the toilet paper. So she used it to cover her neck and then made her way downstairs. Meanwhile, Lincoln was still determined to get all of her sisters out of the house in order to keep his school project in one piece.

Lincoln: Cooking is usually Dad's territory, but I gave him the day off 'cause I have to kick things into high gear. [begins serving certain eggs to certain sisters] Egg whites for Leni, sunny-side up for Luna, funny-side up for Luan...

Luan: Great yolk! [laughs]

Lincoln: ...scrambled for Lynn, fried for Lisa, deviled eggs for the twins, and...

Lori: [still on the phone with Bobby] Oh, and I picked out the perfect tux for you to wear, Bobby.

Lincoln: [growing more irritated] ...hard boiled for Lori. [serves some runny eggs on Lily's high chair] Extra goo goo gooey for Lily. [serving some rather burned eggs to Lucy] And for Lucy, extra well done.

Lucy: If I had a heart, it would be swelling right now.

Just then, Laney entered with a nervous grin.

Laney: Hey Lincoln!

Lincoln: Uh, Laney? Why do you have toilet paper around your neck?

Laney: Uhm... Thought I tried a new look?

Lincoln: Using toilet paper?

Laney: Ohhh! I can't do this! I lost my scarf and I can't leave home without it!

Lincoln: [thoughts] _This isn't good! I need to get all of my sisters out in time. Maybe it's time started helping her, if it will get things moving!_ [talks] Okay! Uh let's try looking in the living room.

So Lincoln and Laney went to find her scarf in the living room. They searched by the bookshelf where Laney's books are. Lincoln then sees something red caught on folds of the couch. But before he could say anything, he was interrupted by another problem.

Leni: [suddenly with a light blue skin pigmentation] AAAHH! I'M BLUE! MY SKIN'S TURNED BLUE!

Lisa: Technically, it's a shallow shade of cerulean, but why split hairs?

[Lincoln dashed over]

Lincoln: Lisa, what did you do?

Lisa: I secretly switched Leni's blemish cream for an experimental skin pigmentation ointment I've been working on.

[Leni starts shaking with worry]

Lincoln: Why would you do that?

Lisa: Because she wouldn't let me try it on her if I had asked.

Lincoln: You go upstairs right now and get something to fix it!

Lisa: Fine. Hairless apes: one, science: zero. [heads upstairs]

Laney: Lincoln! What's going on?

Lincoln: Just a little issue. Hey, have you looked in the couch?

So Laney did tried the couches and to her surprise, she found something red caught in one of the cushions. She pulled and pulled until it revealed to be her scarf! When she finally pulled it out, she fell down. With Lincoln looking at her.

Laney: Uhh. Hey Lincoln.

Lincoln: What's with the scar?

Laney: [points at the diorama] What's that?

Lincoln: Oh, it's just something I made for a school project.

Laney: [looks at the project] Well, considering you using our family as your project you're a shoo in for an A.

Lincoln: [sighs] It's been a long morning for the both of us. Let's go.

But just as Lincoln was finally able to get the whole family out of the house. He ran into one small transportation problem...

Lori: [angry at Bobby] Fine! If you don't wanna wear the tux, then I don't wanna go to the dance! In fact...I DON'T EVEN WANNA GO TO SCHOOL! [screams in frustration]

Lincoln: So close... [puts his project down] Wait! [stops everyone from going back to their rooms] No no no. Everyone, stay right where you are. [heads up stairs] Lori, wait! You're the only one who can drive us!

Lori: GET MOM TO DRIVE YOU! [shuts herself in her room]

Lincoln: But she's already left! [groans] Can't something go my way for once?

Luna: You can't always get what you want, bro.

Laney: Sorry...

Lucy: [right behind him again] Lincoln, I've finished my poem. It's called "Failure".

Lincoln: [too down to be startled by her lurking] Lucy, I really don't have time for-

Lucy: [Reads]

 **Failure. It is not an option,**

 **yet it's something you choose.**

 **The man with the plan is destined to lose.**

[Lily comes walking by naked]

Lincoln: LILY! Where are your clothes? And where's your diaper? [gives chase]

Lily: I go poo-poo! [laughs]

[Lincoln steps in something nasty]

Lincoln: [nauseated] I found the diaper... [changes his shoes into a fresh pair after that]

Lucy: [still reading] Failure. You know there is no one else to blame. For the choices you make are always the same.

Lincoln: [knocking on Lori's door] Come on, Lori! Please? I have my report this morning!

Lori: [refusing to come out] GO AWAY!

[Downstairs, the twins are arguing over different kinds of sandwiches in their lunches]

Lola: The peanut butter sandwich is mine!

Lana: No, the jelly sandwich is yours!

Lola: No!

[Lincoln groans in frustration]

Lola: You like the peanut butter and I like the jelly!

Lana: You like peanut butter and I like jelly!

Lola: No, I like jelly and you-

[Lincoln takes their sandwiches]

Twins: Hey!

[Lincoln makes it so that both sandwiches have peanut butter AND jelly on them]

Lincoln: Now you each have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Now, get to the car.

Twins: Thanks, Lincoln! [head to the car]

Lisa: [with a first aid ointment] Here's the antidote.

Lincoln: Thank you! [suspicious] Wait a second... [tests it on Walt who suddenly blows up like a blimp and finds out that Lisa was about to trick him] The real antidote?

Lisa: Fine. Hairless apes: two, science: zero. [hands him the actual antidote and goes to the car]

Lincoln: [hands it to Leni] Here.

[Leni sighs with relief and goes to use it]

Lucy: [still reading]

 **Failure. It's all your fault,**

 **this streak of bad luck.**

 **No escape from this cycle in which you are stuck.**

Lincoln: Stop! I've got a poem for you now. It's called "Lucy".

 **Dark as night,**

 **hair like tar.**

 **Take your spooky self to the car.**

Lucy: Sigh. Once again, your poetic brilliance has put me to shame. [heads to the car]

Lynn: Think fast! [comes rolling through the hall and crashes into Lincoln, knocking him down to his underwear]

Lincoln: Ow...

Lynn: Where is my field hockey stick? I have roller derby today!

Lincoln: There's no field hockey sticks in roller derby! [spins her around and launches her to the car]

Lynn: The way I play, there is! [crashes into her seat] Ow!

Leni: Finally. I look perfect and beautiful again.

[Just as she's about to get in, Lincoln shields her with the umbrella because Luan was at it again]

Luan: Oh, come on! I thought we were pails! [laughs]Get it? Get it?

Lincoln: How am I gonna deal with Lori? [gets an idea] Got it! [calls her up using the family phone]

Lori: Hello?

Lincoln: [falsetto] Hey, babe. It's your boyfriend, Bobby. I just wanted to say that I'm...I'm sorry and that I will wear any tux you want.

Lori: [gasps and squeals with delight, having fallen for it] Oh, Bobby! [laughs with joy and comes out of her room as Lincoln hangs up and is now in a good mood] Would you hurry up, Lincoln? It's always such a hassle getting you out of the door in the morning. [picks Lily up and heads to the car]

[Lincoln smiles knowing everything's back on track and grabs his project; however, he sees Luna is getting some help putting her amps into the van]

Lincoln: What's all this?

Luna: It's my gear, dude. I have rehearsal.

Lincoln: And who's that?

Luna: This is my roadie, Chunk.

[Chunk tips his hat to Lincoln]

Lincoln: No no no. He was not part of the plan. You, out! I'll take care of this.

[Chunk walks away upset]

Luna: Thanks, bro! [gets in the car]

[Lincoln gets Luna's gear into the trunk and heads to the shotgun seat, but he left his project right on the driveway]

Lincoln: Operation complete! And with ten minutes to spare. A Loud House first, I might add. Let's roll!

[Lori starts up the car and is about to roll out, but realization hits Lincoln]

Lincoln: STOP!

[Lori stops the car and Lincoln rushes out in a panic; thankfully, his project is safe]

Lincoln: [picks it up] Phew. That was close. [slips on one of Lynn's skates and trips, his project flying in the air; in slow-motion] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Too late; his project hits the ground and is ultimately ruined]

Lincoln: [lamenting] All of this work for nothing...how could I be so stupid?! How? How? How?

Laney: [taps Lincoln's shoulder] Um, since you helped me find my scarf, maybe I can help with your project.

Lincoln: How?

[Laney pointed at all her sisters]

Lynn: 12 heads are better than 1.

Luan: Try not to lose yours. [laughs]

Luna: Yeah. Every little thing is gonna be alright.

Lincoln: [hopeful] Really? You'll help?

Lola and Lana: It's what families do.

Lincoln: But I'm supposed to give this report in ten minutes and this thing is destroyed. What can you guys do?

Although Lincoln has lost all hope, his sisters smile confidently with an idea. And so with that, Lincoln was finally able to make a perfect school report, with the help of his sisters of course.

Lincoln: In conclusion, in my family, every day is a challenge. But you can be sure that when I need them, my sisters will always be there for me. All of them.

[It is revealed that his sisters are all standing perfectly still and replicating his project]

Lincoln: And sure, life in the Loud House can be summed up in one word: chaos. But I love that chaos. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Mrs. Johnson: [applauding Lincoln's performance] That was a fantastic report, Lincoln. I'm giving you an A. [gets drenched by one of Luan's buckets] Aaahh! [Lincoln gasps] Make that an A-minus.

[Everyone except Luan is speechless to see Mrs. Johnson's expense]

Luan: [triumphant] Pailed it! [laughs]


	12. In Tents Debate

In Tents Debate

It was a bright afternoon in the Loud House, and all the kids were having a meeting in Lori and Leni's room.

Luan: And finally, the motion to ration shampoo due to chronic shortages passed. By a hair! [laughs as her siblings groan at her joke]

Lori: So, the minutes from our last meeting are approved. [bangs shoe on Leni's sewing table like a gavel] Any new business? [Lincoln raises his hand] Anyone? Anyone? No one?

Lincoln: [agitated] Lori!

Lori: I'm just messing with you. Lincoln has the floor.

Lincoln: As you all know, our annual trip to Scratchy Bottom Campgrounds is quickly approaching.

[The girls groan]

Lynn: That place is the worst. Bears always steal our food.

[Lily roars like a bear]

Leni: And we have to sleep on the hard ground!

Lola: And poop in the woods!

Lana: I like pooping in the woods.

Lisa: And the Dipterum Culicidae are the size of Mustelas Nivalis. [the others look at her confused with crickets chirping] The mosquitoes are the size of weasels.

Laney: And I'm still scratching from our last trip to the campground! I'm allergic to poison ivy.

Lincoln: [scared] And don't forget the scary hill people hiding in the trees! [imagines the hill people]

Lori: There's no such thing as hill people, Lincoln.

Lincoln: My point is, why can't we go someplace different like... [holds up two brochures] ...Aloha Beach or Dairyland Amusement Park?

[The tagline for Dairyland is "So UDDER-ly fun, you'll spill your milk!]

Lori: Because Mom and Dad will never go for it.

Lincoln: How do we know? We've never asked.

[The others seem to like the idea]

Lori: Fine. All in favor of Lincoln wasting his time and asking Mom and Dad?

[All the other girls raise their hands]

Lori: [sighs] Motion passes... [bangs shoe]

[Lincoln has just asked his parents]

Rita: Fine with us, sweetie.

Lynn Sr.: Sure, son. I don't see why not.

[Lincoln has told them the news and all except Lori are cheering]

Lori: So? Which is it? Aloha Beach or Dairyland?

Lincoln: Oh. They didn't say. I guess it's up to us decide. All in favor of Aloha Beach? [Lori, Leni, Lucy, Laney, Lola, and Lily raise their hands] One, two, three, four, five six...

Luna: [surprised Lucy voted for Aloha Beach] You wanna go to the beach, Lucy?

Lucy: Two words: Shark Attacks.

Lincoln: All in favor of Dairyland? [Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lana, and Lisa raise their hands] One, two, three, four, five.

Leni: It's six against five! We win!

Lola: Wait a minute. Lincoln didn't vote.

Lori: Well, Lincoln, what's it gonna be?

Lincoln: It's so hard to choose. I really like the beach. [Lori, Leni, Lucy, Laney, Lola, and Lily cheer while Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lana and Lisa complain] But I love Dairyland. [Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lana, and Lisa cheer while Lori, Leni, Lucy, Lola, and Lily complain] I don't know. I can't decide. I need more time. Can I have till the end of the day?

[The girls are indifferent on this]

Lori: Fine. You have until the end of the day to decide. [bangs shoe and adjourns meeting]

Later, Laney was walking towards the bathroom when she saw Lori, Leni, Lola, Lily, and Lucy inside watching Lincoln shower.

Lincoln: Wait. You guys aren't trying to get my vote for Aloha Beach, are you?

Lori, Lola, and Lucy: [sweetly] No.

Lily: No, no, no.

Leni: Wait! I thought we were!

[Lori, Lucy, and Lola sigh and Lily looks blankly at her stupidity]

Laney: Ahem! [they turn around to see Laney] Don't you think it's cheating to make Lincoln choose aloha beach?

Lori: But Laney, were not cheating. [closes the bathroom door] Were just convincing him that we should go to aloha beach. And besides, we all hate going to that grody camp.

Laney: Well that is true. And it would be nice to actually go somewhere peaceful...

Laney then fantasized about her stay at the beach. Completely relaxed, no bears chasing her, the sweet sound of the gentle roar of the waves. It was paradise.

Laney: [relaxed] With everything happening in my life. I havent had anytime to myself...

Lola: Laney? Laney! [snaps her fingers]

Leni: I think we broke her.

Lucy: Let me try. [went close to Laney's ear] Shark.

Laney: WHERE?! [snapped back to reality] How long was I out? I didn't miss the trip did I?

Lori: Nope. So what do you say? You in? [the sisters smile at her, Laney smiles back]

Laney: How can I help? [Cut to Laney wearing a hawaiian skirt with a flower crown and a coconut bra] I feel exposed...

Lola: Well, this is what all the girls at Aloha Beach are wearing.

Laney: Are you sure it-

Lori: Quiet! Lincoln's coming!

[Lincoln walks down the stairs]

Aloha Beach Girls: Aloha, Lincoln!

[Lori gives him a lei, Lucy gives him a tropical shirt, Lola gives him shades, Lily gives him a drink by delivering it on her head, and Leni gives him something extra]

Lincoln: What's that?

Leni: It's your homework. All done.

Lincoln: [nervous] Uh...you did it?

Lori: I did.

Lincoln: Phew...I mean, not that it matters.

Hours later, Laney was strumming a ukelele as the rest of the Aloha Beach girls have made some renovations to Lincoln's room.

Lori: Welcome to your own private beach. Where we have sun, sand, and surf. [turns on a heat lamp for sun, puts Lincoln's feet in a bucket of sand, and puts a surfboard on his bed]

[They put Lincoln on the board and he pretends to surf with Leni moving his arms and Lucy spraying water in his face]

Lucy: Don't forget screams.

[A shark fin pops from under Lincoln's bed and it reveals to be Lily pretending to be one as the other girls scream in a fake tone]

Lori: And if you vote Team Beach, the fun will literally never stop.

Leni: Yeah. If you need anything else, just give us a toot. [holds out a conch shell and blows into it]

[The end of the day]

Lynn: Alright, Lincoln, your time's up. What's it gonna be?

Lincoln: I know I said I'd decide by the end of the day, but I'm still torn. Can I have just one more day?

Lola: [starting to snap] Why, you lousy little-

Lori: [holds Lola back] Uh...not a problem. [chuckles] We understand.

[The girls agree and leave]

Lincoln; [to the viewers] Can you blame me? No matter what I decide, five of them are still gonna be mad at me. But this day has been amazing. So I figure, why not take advantage of it a little longer?

[Meanwhile, Team Beach is having a meeting]

Lori: Ugh. What are we going to do, you guys? We need to try harder to show him why the beach is better.

Laney: Maybe we should show him how fun the beach is?

Lola: [gets a sinister idea] Or...maybe we should show him why Dairyland is worse...

[They all huddle in agreement, Laney begins to worry]

[The next morning, Lincoln rushes to the bathroom]

Lincoln: Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee! Note to self: no more cocoa before bed! [stops] What's going on?

Lucy: Waiting in line for the bathroom. Better get used to standing in lines if you're gonna vote for Dairyland.

[The next morning, Lincoln rushes to the bathroom]

Lincoln: Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee! Note to self: no more cocoa before bed! [stops] What's going on?

Lucy: Waiting in line for the bathroom. Better get used to standing in lines if you're gonna vote for Dairyland.

[One by one, Team Beach takes their turn using the bathroom while Lincoln is struggling to hold it; finally he gets his turn, but there's a Dairyland style sign saying the toilet's out of order]

Lincoln: What? Sorry! **This ride is temporarily closed?** NOOOOOOOOO!

[Outside the bathroom]

Laney: Run the plan by me again.

Lola: Simple, we remind Lincoln that Dairyland is a terrible place to take a vacation.

Laney: I still think this is cheating.

Lori: Think of it this way Lanes, we're helping Lincoln make up his mind.

Laney: Umm...

Lucy: Just think about those white sandy beaches Laney...

[Laney fantasized about her on the beach again]

Lori: So are you in? Laney?...

Meanwhile, Lynn saw what her opposing team was doing and decided to level the playing field. Later, while Lincoln was having breakfast, Team Beach starts making some modifications to the I Screamer by pushing it too fast.

Lincoln: Guys! Guys! Too fast! Too fast, guys! Guys, too fast! I'M GONNA HURL!

[Team Beach gets out of the way and Lincoln pukes under the table and sees Team Tippy]

Lincoln: Word of advice. Blowing chunks does not make me want to vote for Dairyland!

[Lincoln finds a gift bag on his bed with a card on it]

 **Everything you'll need for fun in the sun. Enjoy. Team Beach.**

Lincoln: [finds a beach ball, a pair of sandals, and something he'll definitely need] SPF 800 sunscreen. Perfect for my fair skin. [rubs it all over the uncovered parts of his body] Hm. Tingly.

[However, this "sunscreen" causes Lincoln to get a severe sunburn and scream in pain]

Lincoln: News flash! Giving me a sunburn is not the way to win my vote!

Lori: Huh? [checks the sunscreen bottle, peels the label and finds it's a fake] **Sodium Hydrochlorite? Avoid contact with skin?** This has Lisa written all over it!

Leni: So that's how you spell Lisa?

[Lincoln has cooled his burn down a little bit and sees Tippy again]

Lincoln: Tippy!

[But this time, Tippy looks like a grotesque mad cow]

Lincoln: Mad cow! Mad cow!

[Tippy chases Lincoln around the house until he escapes her]

Lori: Well?

[It turns out Lucy was in this version of the Tippy costume]

Lucy: Worked like a charm. Aloha Beach is in our future.

[Enter Team Tippy]

Luan: We knew it! You've been sabotaging us!

Lori: We sabotaged you? You put sand in Lincoln's underpants!

Lana: But you started it with the line for the bathroom!

Once again Laney was caught in a heated argument with her sisters. She thought to herself that it she shouldn't go through all this just for a relaxing trip to the beach. Before she could act as the voice of reason, Lincoln enters the kitchen in agony and calling for help on the conch and bell, but no one is coming for him because they're too busy arguing.

Lincoln: Can I get an ice pack? Some bandages? A hug? Where is everybody?

[The girls are still arguing and Lincoln comes down to get their attention with the instruments]

Lincoln: I'm blowing the conch, I'm ringing the bell, and yet, nothing!

Lynn: YOU! This is all your fault!

Lori: Yeah! If you had just made up your mind, none of this would have happened!

Laney: Lincoln? Have you been taking advantage of us?

Lincoln: Well...

[The girls all start blaming Lincoln for their warfare on each other]

Lincoln: Great. I was afraid of making five of my sisters mad at me. But now all eleven are! There's only one thing left to do.

[Lincoln has just asked his parents]

Rita: Fine with us, sweetie.

Lynn Sr.: Sure, son. I don't see why not.

[The girls are still arguing]

Lincoln: [bangs his shoe on the counter] Quiet down! I've made my decision! We're going to...Scratchy Bottom Campgrounds!

Sisters: WHAT?!

Lynn: But what about the bears?!

Lisa: And the Dipterum Culicidae bites?

Laney: And the Poison Ivy?

Lola: And the pooping in the woods?

Lana: That's still the only reason I'd go.

Lori: Ugh. This is literally going to be the worst vacation ever.

[Later at the campgrounds]

Lori: This is literally the best vacation ever!

[The sisters agree; they're at Scratchy Bottom Campgrounds and having the time of their lives]

Luna: Why were we so against this place? [rings cowbell]

And so, Lincoln served his sisters during the vacation to make up for his taking advantage on his vote, serving them up some drinks, puffing air mattresses, distracting the mosquitoes and getting bitten by them while the girls are enjoying a nice nature hike, and fending off the bears eating their food.

Lincoln: [gathering firewood] It may not be much of a vacation for me, but it's worth it if all eleven of my sisters are happy. I'd say everything turned out A-okay.

[At that moment, some voices are cackling and some eyes are watching him; it's none other than...]

Lincoln: [screams and runs for his life] THE HILL PEOPLE HIDING IN THE TREES!


	13. Space Invader

Space Invader (AKA: Gloomy Roomie)

It's certainly not easy living in a big family. Heck, even using the bathroom can be a challenge. But one way or another, Laney got around.

Luna: [singing] I'm washin' my face, 'cause it makes me feel so beautiful.

Luan: [gets floss stuck in her braces] Hey, look! I'm at a floss for words! [laughs]

Leni: I brush my hair exactly 50 times a night to keep it beautiful. 34...35...36...

Lori: Hey, Leni, how old was that boy that asked you out?

Leni: [losing count thanks to Lori] '16...17...18...

[Lori smiles slyly at her little joke, we see Laney at the sink trying to reach for her toothbrush]

Laney: Hey Leni, can you pass me my toothrush? It's the orange one with the number two written on it.

Leni: [gives Laney her toothbrush, but loses count again] 2...3...4...

Laney: Now where is that toothpaste? [she hears Lynn and Lucy fighting over it]

Lynn: Hey! I had the toothpaste first!

Lucy: No, I did.

Lynn: Keep your spooky hands off it!

[While the girls get ready, Lincoln pops in and looks around and snatches the toothpaste out of Lynn's hand]

Lincoln: I'll take that.

Lynn: Hey! Learn to share!

[Lincoln accidentally dabs toothpaste on Lily's head and hands the tube back to Lynn, Laney dabbed the toothpaste from Lily and started brushing her teeth]

Moments later, Laney was walking to her room, when she saw two of her roomates arguing.

Lynn: You're always Miss Gloom and Doom! Like, would it kill you to smile once in a while?!

Lucy: It would.

Lincoln: What's going on?

Lori: Lucy and Lynn are going at it. Again.

Laney: I wouldn't worry about it. This happens all the time.

Luan: I'd make a joke about fighting, but I can't think of a good punchline. [laughs] Get it? Get it?

Lisa: [recording] Human subjects seem to be proving Charles Darwin correct.

Leni: I can't bare to watch! [puts cucumber slices over her facial mask] That's better.

Lori: I'd hate to get in the middle of this one.

Lincoln: I totally agree. [goes back to his room while the jock and goth of the family continue their quarrel]

Laney: [sighs] He's so lucky. He doesn't have to deal with this every night.

As she went off to her bed she noticed someone was missing.

Laney: Where's Lynn?

Lucy: She went to sleep in a different room. She didn't want to sleep with me anymore.

Laney: I don't remember that happening durng one of your quarrels before.

Lucy: Whatever. I didn't want be in the same room as her anyway.

[Laney looked at Lynn's bed]

Laney: Do you think Lynn will mind if I keep her bed for her tonight?

Lucy: Like I said, whatever.

Laney walked over to Lynn's bed, and at first she found her pillow to be a bit lumpy. But she found a football and removed it then went to sleep.

Laney: Goodnight... [Lucy is already asleep]

Laney tried her best to sleep but Lynn's mattress was not what Laney is used to. She shuffled around but she couldn't get comfortable. She then heard a strange sound from the window, it was just the tree ruslting in wind. But Laney didn't know that...

Laney: Lucy... Are you awake? Lucy? [Lucy was still asleep]

It was clear to Laney that she missed Lynn. And sleeping somewhere other than her bunk isn't as easy as she thought it would be. The next day Laney was going to the bathroom, when she sees Lincoln soaking wet with his pillow and blanket.

Luan: Mornin', Linc. Wet's up? [laughs]

[Lynn is getting out of bed and feels refreshed and sees Lincoln]

Lynn: What a great night's sleep. You two look terrible. [Lincoln starts pushing her] Hey!

Lincoln: Thank you for staying at Chateau Lincoln, where we have a one night maximum stay. Thank you. [pushes her back into her own room and his to his; but off in the distance...]

Lucy: What are you doing here?

Lynn: What am I doing here? [gets kicked out]

Lucy: Get out!

Lynn: What do you mean "get out"? Fine! I'll just stay in Lincoln's room again! He's a way cooler roomie, anyway! [goes back in Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: But- [Lynn closes the door] Lucy! Please make up with Lynn!

Lucy: I'd rather wear pink.

Lincoln: But-[Lucy closes the door and Lincoln sighs, Laney to continued to the bathroom]

That afternoon in Laney's room, she was looking through Lynn's trophies.

Laney: [sighs] You know, Lynn used to tell me about how she won all these trophies.

Lucy: You're still talking about her?

Laney: Come on! Don't you miss her at all?

Lucy: Of course not. She always complained about me being 'gloomy', never smiling, thinks i'd be better with a brighter attitude. Ask her yourself, she's having a great time without me.

And so Laney did, she went to Lincoln's room where Lynn was bunking in. But once again she found herself in a weird situation...

Laney: Uhm, Lynn? Do you..[she was speechless to find Lincoln in goth attire and reading poems like Lucy]

Lincoln: [reads] [starts reading] **Space: deep, black, endless, like my heart. Space, mine invaded.** **Torn apart.** This is the real me, Lynn. I can understand if you don't want to be my roommate anymore.

Laney: Umm... Nevermind. [closes the door]

Laney walked back to her room only notice Lucy ricocheting one of Lynn's balls across the wall. It was clear to Laney that Lucy does miss Lynn, if only there was a way to get them to say it to each other. That very night, Laney was reading a book herself, it was titled: _**Hug & Make-Up: Tips On How To Reconnect With Others. **_ She was reading it to find a way to bring Lucy and Lynn back together. Which speaking of, Lynn came in but only for a brief moment.

Laney: Lynn! You..

Lynn: Hey Lanes, just here for my stuff. [grabs her stuff] Thanks!

Laney sighed as Lynn left and continued reading. The very next morning, Laney's plan to reunite her roomates was in motion. She walked into the kitchen to see both Lynn and Lucy making breakfast.

Laney: [thinks] _First things first, I got to convince them that they miss each other._ [walks over to them] Hey guys. So Lucy, I hear Lynn says she'd like to hear your latest poem.

Lucy: Tell Lynn that I'm not saying anything to her.

Laney: [turns to Lynn] Lucy said she has a hard time sleeping without a ball bouncing on the wall.

Lynn: Tell Lucy I've got a much cooler roommate who likes my ball bouncing.

Laney: Lucy-

Lucy: If you're trying to get us back together by lying. Forget it.

Laney: But... [sighs and leaves]

Much later Laney was reading her book, until she bumped into Lincoln on his way upstairs.

[At the same time]

Lincoln: Laney!

Laney: Lincoln! So.. how was your day?

Lincoln: Fine. Yours?

Laney: I don't want to talk about it..

They both took a deep breath and said simultaneously...

Lincoln: I want Lynn out of my room!

Laney: I want Lynn back in my room!

Lincoln: What?

Laney: I couldn't stand seeing my roomies fight like this. And also it's getting very uncomfy sleeping in Lynn's bed.

Lincoln: Why couldn't you just sleep in your bed?

Laney: Call it a friendly gesture. But I was just keeping Lynn's bed warm for her. Though even I think it was a bit uneccesary. I just want things to go back to the way it was... [Lincoln sees the book Laney was reading]

Lincoln: Hey, can I see that book?

Laney: Oh sure. [Gives Lincoln the book, he flips through the pages until he finds something interesting]

Lincoln: Hey Laney. I think this little number may do the trick. [shows Laney a certain page and she smiled] So here's the plan...

Later that night, Lincoln executes his plan; he slips two little invitations into specific spots: one in Lucy's poetry book and the other under his door. As he goes to hide, the two get the invitation and know why they're there and decide to get the dinner over with, after a long pause.

Lucy & Lynn: I'm glad you finally wanna apologize to me. [angry] What? Me apologize to you? You're here to apologize to me!

[Lincoln realizes his plan is now going south from there as they are about to go at it yet again]

Lucy: You are absolutely crazy.

Lynn: What? Are you crazy? Absolutely not!

Lucy: I don't understand why you think this is my fault!

Lynn: I mean, really!

Lucy: You are absolutely wrong.

Lynn: Just respect the space!

[The commotion grabs the attention of the other sisters]

Laney: Do you think they lke the dinner I made them?

Lori: I doubt they're going to use it for eating...

Luna: Yeah, hate to be a part of that fight. Don't know how ya do it Lanes.

Laney sighs and went inside the room knowing what to do.

Lucy: It's just ridiculous.

Lynn: I'm not the one who started it! You're the one who started it!

Lucy: Please.

Lynn: Don't even get me started!

Laney: ENOUGH! [gets their attention] I made this dinner so that you two would make up.

[The feuding roommates feel offended]

Lynn: You did this?

Lucy: Why?

Laney: I've been in this family for quite a long time. And I know it can be hard to share a space, It's hard to share period. But we're siblings, and we're always there for each other. And I know deep down you two miss said each other, you're just too stubborn to admit it.

[The two then see what she means]

Lucy: I guess I do have trouble sleeping without a ball banging against the wall.

Lynn: And I guess I do miss hearing you sigh heavily as you write your poems.

Lincoln: Laney's right. Now you two make up, because if I have to spend one more night with "Snorezilla" over here, I'm going to go insane! [Lynn throws a meatball at him]

Lucy: Ha! Nice throw.

Lynn: You like that? [throws another one at Laney]

Laney: Oh yeah? [throws it back and Lynn ducks and it hits Lucy instead and Lynn laughs at it and Lucy hits her with one into her mouth]

Lucy: Ha ha.

[The two of them grab some spaghetti and look like they're about to take their fight to a whole new level]

Lincoln & Laney: [looked at each other worriedly] Uh-oh...

[But the fight is more for their enjoyment than their frustration and they start laughing. Lincoln and Laney join in on the fray]

Lori: Well...I'm outskies.

Luan: "Yeah. It's way pasta our bedtime. [laughs]

[The other sisters just sigh at Luan's pun as they head off to bed; the food fight is now over and the jock and goth are satisfied]

Lynn: So, I can move back in?

Lucy: Nothing would make me happier.

Lynn: [busts out fist] Two for flinching! [but Lucy didn't flinch] Dang! It never works on you.

[They hug]

Laney: Well, I'm glad you two finally made up. But how are we supposed to sleep with all this mess?

[They made quite a mess from their food fight and it got all over their beds, the girls all looked at Lincoln]

Moments later...

[Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Space...the final frontier. Sure, I'm lucky enough to have a room to call my own, but in the Loud House, we all know when we need to share.

[It's revealed that Lynn, Lucy, and Laney are sleeping with Lincoln in his room tonight until they have time to clean up the mess they made]

Lincoln: But just for one night! [slips on his Loco Lincoln mask] Buenas noches!


	14. Undie Pressure

Undie Pressure (AKA: New Habits Die Hard)

It was a cloudy and rainy day for the Louds neighborhood. And Laney was not a fan of those kind of days, she couldn't find anything to do except watch the rain fall on her house.

Laney: [thoughts] _Every time I see rain, I keep wishing and wishing for it to stop..._ [thunder roared, making Laney jump and then lands on Luan]

Luan: What's the matter Laney? Bored?

Laney: Y-yeah. I don't like rainy days.

Luan: How about a joke to turn that frown around?

Laney: Um that...

Luan: Why can't a comedian tell a dirty laundry joke? 'Cause it always comes out clean! [laughs, Laney sighs at Luan's lame joke]

Lynn: Hey Lanes! Think fast!

Laney: No! [Laney catches the ball but falls down and slides into the wall]

Lynn: Well, I did say think fast.

[Luna enters the scene, holding a radio toward her ear]

Luna: [in a British accent] I bloody love this song! Sing it like you mean it, Mick! [Lucy pokes her head out of the fireplace, making her jump in terror] BLIMEY!

Lucy: I'm trying to write here.

Lori: [on the phone, to Bobby] No, I love you more, silly. [to Leni] It's our six-week-iversary.

Leni: You two are like, gonna be together for, like, ever.

Lisa: Speaking of forever, Lori, my study indicates you haven't used the bathroom in quite some time.

Lori: EWW! There is no way I'm being in your grody poop study!

Laney: [thoughts] _Nothing like a rainy day to bring a family together. Good thing Lincoln is the other only sibling standing out of this weird crowd._ [Lincoln's pants are then fallen onto Laney's head] Then again...

Lola: Groooooss!

Lincoln: What?

Lola: Why do you always have to read your comics in your underpants?!

Lincoln: 'Cause reading my comics with my clothes on is uncomfortable and distracting. [shakes his booty at Lola] And you know how I like to be comfortable while reading comics. Now, scootch!

[Lincoln sits between Lola and Lisa; Lola, repulsed, jumps onto the armrest]

Lola: ACK! It's an annoying habit, and you get butt germs everywhere!

Lincoln: Me annoying? You can't look away from the mirror for five seconds! [holds up all four of his fingers]

Lola: LIES!

[it turns out Lola is looking in her mirror rather than at Lincoln; she looks back, closes the mirror, and smiles sheepishly]

Lincoln: And Lori, would it kill you not to talk to Bobby all the time?!

Lori: I do not talk to Bobby all the time! [to Bobby, over the phone] Do I, Bobby?

Lincoln: And Lisa, you always do your weird poop studies!

Lisa: It's quite fascinating work.

Lincoln: And Laney, you... Actually you don't have any habits. But still! You guys couldn't last ten minutes without doing your annoying things!

Lori: We could last longer than you!

Lincoln: I bet you couldn't!

Lola: Oh, really? Care to make it a little more interesting? [hops onto the couch crest, and walks back and forth] If we can stop doing our things longer than you can stop doing yours, then you have to give up reading in your underwear...FOREVER! [raises her fist]

Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana and Lisa: YEAH!

Laney: Count me in! [They all looked at Laney]

Lincoln: Um. No offense Laney, but I think you might wanna sit this one out.

Laney: But I want to be a part of this too.

Lincoln: But last time I checked, you don't have any annoying habits.

Lori : You're like the least annoying sister in this family.

Laney: What do you mean by that?

Lola: You never fight, you're always quiet, you don't have any flaws at all!

Lana: You're baisically perfect.

Laney: P-perfect? Well nobody's perfect! I can be as imperfect as you guys! Watch! [Laney danced around making silly faces, Lily giggled, Laney sighs and walks away] Fine...

Lincoln: Right, now what's in it for me?

Later, in the kitchen. Laney was at the kiddie table thinking to herself.

Laney: They think I'm so perfect because I don't have any flaws. Well, I can be annoying, I can be crazy, I can be an included member of this-[sees Lucy behind her] AAAH! Oh, hey Lucy. How's the bet?

Lucy: I'm out.

Laney: Oh sorry about that. Say Lucy, when you appear out of nowhere all the time does it annoy people.

Lucy: No, it scares people. [opens the fridge] I believe the true way to spook people, is if they don't see it coming.

Laney thought about it for a moment, then later...

Lincoln: [looks at some of the pants in the laundry basket] Too scratchy...too tight...too far after Labor Day...Oh, these are perfect! [Laney was behind him] Hey Laney.

Laney: I didn't scare you... [Lincoln walks away, Laney sighs]

Bobby: [desperate] Babe! Why aren't you answering my calls?!

[Lori looks forlornly at Bobby, puts her hand on the window, then looks away]

Lori: Forgive me, my love. [draws the curtains over the window; she then sees Laney dangling from the ceiling, Lori moved her aside and sees something else] Lincoln, why are you wearing my leggings?!

Bobby sees Laney hanging on the ceiling and she tried to scare him, but no effect. Laney sighed and fell from from ceiling. Seconds later she was on the couch.

Luna: [sweedish accent] Why da mopin' ja?

Laney: What makes your habits so annoying?

Luna: Vell, no vone's ever called me accents anoyin' ja?

Laney: What about your music?

Luna: Oh no! They all love my music ja? It's really loud and awesome!

[Luna sees Laney already left, she hears something on the radio]

Jay Rock: [over the radio] Hey, cats and kittens, this is Jay Rock here! I'm giving away Mick Swagger tickets to the caller with... the best British accent!

[Luna's eyes widen, looks back and forth, and slinks away to behind the curtains]

Much later, Laney appeared with a bass guitar in her hand. It was a bit hard for her to hold, but she managed.

Laney: Hey dudes! You wanna hear a song? [All eyes were on Laney] Okay! This one's called... umm. I'll work on the name later.

As Laney strummed, the guitar bass shook her through the living room. She bounced through the couch, wiggled through the floor, and spun around until she stopped at the sound her siblings applauding.

Luna: Way to rock out little sis!

Lisa: Yes, that was very amusing.

Leni: I didn't know you play guitar.

Laney: NO! [breaks the guitar in anger]

Luna: Aww man. That was my favorite bass...

Much later we see Laney in the kitchen again, sad that she still hasn't found a unique annoying habit of her own.

Laney: I'm not scary. I'm not noisy. Everything I try, I succeed! I just want to show them I can fit in this family... [sighs, then a Lola shaped shadow appeared]

Lola: So you want to be annoying huh? I think I can help you with that...

Seconds later, Laney was turning up the thermostat.

Lola: [whispers] Now, just like I planned. [hands Laney a glass of juice]

Lincoln: [begins to sweat] Whew, is it hot in here? [Laney walks over to Lincoln]

Laney: Perhaps you would like a drink to cool you off...

Lincoln: Well, thanks Lan- [Laney spills the drink on Lincoln's pants] EEK!

Laney: [fake shock] Oh no! Your pants are all wet. No use keeping them on, especially in this heat. [walks away]

Lincoln: It's not like Laney to do something like that. Why would she...[looks at the thermostat] 98 degrees?! How did...[realized who's behind this] Lola!

Minutes Later...

[Lola is walking down the stairs, and she sees Lincoln holding a rag]

Lola: Lincoln, what are you doing?

Lincoln: Just readin'. Oh, and I polished every surface of the living room. So shiny, you can see your face.

[Lola sees that all the shiny surfaces around her bear her reflection; she shields her eyes]

Lola: AAH! Must...not...look...at self! Beautiful...beautiful self! [runs for the kitchen, screaming]

Lincoln: And I waxed the kitchen floor, too! Such reflection!

[Lola runs back into the living room, screaming, and she hits her face on the back of the chair, leaving an imprint of her makeup on it; she falls onto the floor, dazed]

Lola: THAT'S IT! [hops onto the chair, with a pair underwear in her hands] Give up, Lincoln! You know you want these! [rubs the underwear on Lincoln's face] Smell 'em! SMELL THAT COTTON! YOU KNOW YOU WANT 'EM!

Lincoln: I'm not giving up! You'd give up right now if could see what's wrong with your face! [holds up Lola's pocket mirror]

Lola: WHAT?! Guys, is there something wrong with my face?!

[the girls clamor, trying to convince her otherwise]

Lola: LIES! GIVE ME A MIRROR! [she looks into a shiny doorknob, and she screams at her hideous reflection; she dashes upstairs for her room, then comes back down a few seconds later, back to her normal self] Ahh, that's better. [a red "X" appears over her face, and a buzzer sounds]

Lincoln: I WIN! [rips the sweatpants off] The victory undies are mine! [opens up the catalog] Okay, ladies, pay up!

[Lily throws her pacifier at Lincoln to get his attention]

Lincoln: Hey, Lily.

[Lily looks up at Lincoln, and he comes to a startling realization]

Lincoln: [gasp] LILY!

Lori: "She didn't cry this entire time! That means...

[the girls toss Lily into the air in victory]

Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola, Lana and Lisa: LILY WINS! [they cheer for Lily, who laughs along with them]

Lincoln: [collapses to the floor] And I lost!

Lola: Well, Lincoln, guess you have to give up reading comics in your underwear forever!

[a red "X" appears over Lincoln's face, and a buzzer sounds]

Laney couldn't help but feel sorry for Lincoln, she then got an idea.

Later...

[there is a "knock-knock" at the door, and Luan goes to answer it]]

Luan: Who's there?

Delivery Man: [from outside] Delivery man.

Luan: 'Delivery man' who?

Delivery Man: Come on, kid, it's raining!

Luan: That's your punchline? You really need to work on your delivery. [skips away, laughing]

[Lincoln answers the door]

Delivery Man: Package for...Lincoln Loud. [hands Lincoln a package]

[Lincoln opens the package, and he gasps its contents: a pair of red briefs]

Lincoln: My victory undies! I don't get it!

Lori: We didn't order it for you.

?: I did...

[It was revealed that it was Laney who said that]

Sisters: [all angered] But he lost the bet!

Laney: Girls, if I learned anything today, is that we can't give up on our habits. Lori, you can't just stop talking to your boyfriend Bobby. Lisa, you can't stop doing your interesting science experiments. Lola, you can't help but admire yourself at the mirrior. And Lincoln, you love to read comics in your underwear. Even if it disturbs most of us... My point is, it's our weird, crazy, noisy habits that makes us who we are. Especially if your habit is just being perfect.

Lori: That's what all this was about? Laney, we didn't mean to insult you when we said that.

Laney: You didn't?

Lynn: Nah! You're the coolest! Always lookin' out for us.

Lucy: Seeing reason where there isn't.

Lincoln: For a family as crazy as this, you're the only one who knows how to wrap it up like a happy ending. [Laney couldn't help but smile and hug her brother]

Laney: Thanks guys...

[Soon all of her sisters came in to hug Laney]

Laney: [thoughts] _Yep, nothin' like a rainy day to bring a family together..._

Lincoln: I really gotta thank you for these undies. They're almost too nice to wear... But not that nice! [Lincoln rushes off and puts his new undies on, Laney giggles]

Laney: Hey, Lynn! [picks up Lynn's football] Think fast!

And so for the rest of the rainy day Laney played with her sisters. Knowing that even though she doesn't have a weird habit, it doesn't mean she's not part of the family.

 **TEFN!: The End for now!**


	15. Changing the Baby

Changing the Baby

[Lucy and Lynn's room; Lincoln comes in in his underwear]

Lincoln: Hey, Lynn, do you wanna read the latest Ace Savvy comic with me?

Lynn: [shooting some hoops] A. Comics are boring. B. Put on some pants. And C. ya later. [bops Lincoln with basketball]

[Lincoln is gonna watch a movie; Luan walks by with her dummy, Mr. Coconuts]

Lincoln: Hey, Luan, do you wanna watch a science-fiction movie with me?

"Mr. Coconuts": Science fiction stinks, and that's a science fact.

Luan: [laughs] I agree with Mr. Coconuts.

[Lola and Lana's room]

Lincoln: [coming in with a coin case] Hey, Lola, do you want to check out my coin collection? I just got this one from Poland. It's called a Zloty.

Lola: Lame! What's the point of money that you can't spend?

[Lucy is writing a new poem and Lincoln comes in with the vacuum]

Lincoln: Hey, Lucy, do you want to go ghost hunting with me?

Lucy: Why would I want to hunt my friends?

[The kitchen]

Lincoln: Hey, Lana, you wanna try half of my peanut butter and sauerkraut sandwich?

Lana: I eat some grody things, but that is disgusting. [sniffs it and retches; runs to the bathroom]

[enter Leni]

Lincoln: Hey, Leni, you wanna play video games?

Leni: Those things will rot your brain. Besides, I have fashion magazines to look at.

[Later, Laney was in the living room playing with Lily]

Laney: [holds Lily's blanket, hiding her face] Wheeere's Laney? [reveals herself] Here I am!

Lily: [giggles]

Lincoln: Hey Laney, you wanna play video games with me?

Laney: Sure! [Lincoln hands over the controller to Laney] What's the game?

Lincoln: "Super Mega Brawlers Turbo Fighter XXIV".

Laney: Wait. A FIGHTING game? [gives back the controller] Thanks, but no thanks! I don't like fighting, I already get enough of that experience being in this family.

Lincoln: Aww man... [as Laney walks away, Lincoln talks to the viewers] You'd think that with all these sisters, there'd be just one that likes the same things I like. But sadly, that's not the case. [sighs] Even you, Lily. Sure you're hanging out with me now, but someday you're gonna be into your own things and we'll have nothing in common... inspired] Unless... [takes Lily's blanket and pacifier and gives her the controller]

Lily: [starts mashing buttons and giggles]

Lincoln: That's it! You don't have your own things yet! You're like an unformed lump of clay! But if I can mold you, then someone in this house will finally like the things I like!

[Enter Clyde]

Clyde: Hey, Lincoln! What has two thumbs and totally wants to hang out with his best friend? [points to self] This guy!

Lincoln: [shoves Clyde out the door] Sorry, Clyde. I'm in the middle of something important. I'm changing the baby.

Later, Lincoln called Laney to his room for a very important matter involving Lily.

Laney: So, why did you want me In your room Lincoln?

Lincoln: To tell you this: have you ever wanted a sister who likes what you like?

Laney: Well, I do like the idea of any sister who likes to explore their options, see what kind of talents they might have. Why?

Lincoln: Laney, I give you the ideal sister. [presents Lily]

Laney: Lily?

Lincoln: Think of it this way Lanes, Lily is at an impressionable age. Therefore, we can mold her into a mini version of me or you, maybe both!

Laney: You mean, I can have the sister I've always wanted?

Lincoln: And more! What do you say?

Laney: Where do we start?

Lincoln: Let's begin with things I like. [shows Lily all of his material possessions] Video agmes, comic books, action figures. These are all the things that make life worth living.

Lily: [reaches for her blanket] Blankie!

Lincoln: [takes blanket away] No, no, no. You don't like this. You like this. [turns on a movie] **Starship Groupers!** My favorite underwater intergalactic adventure. [playing with model of the ship from the movie] Pew-pew-pew! Check this out. It's a 500-piece replica of the starship. [to the viewers] Built by yours truly. [sees Lily's interested in it] Oh, you like it? Here you go! [gives it to her]

Lily: [giggles and starts playing] Pew-pew! Pew-pew!

Lincoln: That's right! Pew pew pew! [Lily starts shaking it] Uh, Lily? You gotta, you know, try to be... [Lily tosses it into the air] ...careful!

[The model crashes onto the floor and shatters]

Lily: Pew-pew...?

Lincoln: [holding back angst] That's okay. I wanted to get the 600 piece model anyway.

Laney: Let's move on to something she can understand. [holds Lily, she giggles]

Lincoln: Okay, what do you like Laney?

[cut to the backyard]

Laney: Okay Lily, now growing up opens up a whole bunch of options. I present to you some of my paints. Let's see if you have a creative side.

Lily looked at the paint cans and a big sheet of paper that stood before her. But then she has her eyes on her blanket that was just on the other side.

Lily: Blankie! [as she crawls, she tips over a red paint can leaving a trail of paint all over the paper; before she could touch her blanket, Laney picked her up]

Laney: Lily! Look at you! You're a mess! [Lily smears paint on Laney's cheek, making her giggle] Okay, let's get you cleaned up.

Later, Laney was washing the paint off Lily, who couldn't stop moving and laughing.

Lily: [giggles]

Laney: Stop moving.. [wipes last spot] There you go. All-

Lily: Blankie! [holds her blanket, which was covered in paint]

Laney: Hm. You seem to like that blanket don't you? [Lily smiles as she holds her blanket] Guess, you've got a long way to go huh? [tickles Lily, Lincoln comes in and takes Lily]

Lincoln: Thanks Laney, I'll take it from here. [walks away, Lily waves at Laney]

Lily: Bye Bye. [Laney smiles and waves back]

Later that night...

Lincoln: [reading Lily an Ace Savvy bedtime story] **And Ace Savvy defeated the evil Card Countess. The end.** [sees Lily fast asleep and gives her a kiss on the head] Thanks for the best day ever. I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship. [turns out the lights and leaves her room]

As soon as Lincoln left, Laney came in with a blanket in her hand.

Laney: [whispers] Here you go.. [covers Lily with her blanket] Thanks for spending time with me today. It's nice to know that I have sister to share what I like. Course you don't have to worry about what you want to be right now. [giggles] Goodnight... [walks out of Lily's room]

The next morning, Laney was peacefully sleeping, until she was woken up by the sound of a baseball bouncing from the window.

Laney: Huh?

Lynn: Hey, Laney! Can you throw that ball down? [Laney threw back the baseball and looked out the window to see Lynn pitching with Lily, Laney rushed outside and picked up the baby]

Laney: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Lynn: You guys think you're the only ones in this family who doesn't have anyone to do stuff with. Lily's gonna be my sports buddy.

Laney: No! She is not! You know her head's too soft to take a hit.

Lynn: Yeah, that's why I gave her a helmet.

Laney: [glares at Lynn] Come on Lily lets- [turns around to see Lily is gone] WHA?

Luan: Introducing Luan Loud and her amazing dummy, Lil Lil! [holding Lily who is dressed like Mr. Coconuts in the same position as him] Say, Lily, who's your favorite singer? Lady...

Lily: Gaga!

Luan: What's your favorite Hawaiian platter?

Lily: Poo-poo!

Lynn: Hey! That's no dummy! That's my cleanup hitter!

Lincoln: No, she's mine!

Laney: Stop it! [gets pulled into a fight over Lily who flies right out of the fight cloud then stops]

Lincoln, Lynn, Luan and Laney: Lily?

[Lucy is dressing Lily up in goth fashion and showing her photos of the deceased]

Lucy: This is Grandma Harriet. And this is Abraham Lincoln.

Lincoln: Uh, Lucy...what are you doing?

Lucy: I'm introducing Lily to my ghost friends.

Lincoln: She already has a friend named Lincoln! [takes Lily back]

Lucy: Sigh...

[Lincoln wipes Lucy's makeup off Lily's face]

Lincoln: Black is not your color. Orange is! [gets out another small orange shirt and turns around to find that Lily's gone again] Dang it!

Laney: Okay, let's get you back in your crib and... [Lori snatches the baby from Laney]

Lori: Sorry, but she already has plans with me. [walks downstairs]

Laney: I don't know how much more of this I can take!

[Lori is showing Lily her favorite reality show]

Lori: Now, Dylan can only pick one girl to spend the rest of his life with. And it'd better be Marisol.

Lily: [blows a raspberry of disagreement]

Lori: Yeah, you're right. Maybe he will be happier with Tiffany.

Laney: That's enough! She doesn't wanna watch your shows with you.

Lori: Nonsense! Besides, I've literally been waiting 17 years for someone in this family who likes the things I like!

Lincoln: And I've been waiting 11 years for a sister who likes what I like! Now give her to me!

Leni: HELP!

[Lori, Laney, and Lincoln rush to Leni's rescue and discover she's stuck in Lily's crib]

Leni: Oh, thank goodness. I got in here to show Lily my fashion magazine, but now I can't get out of this baby prison! [starts crying]

[Lincoln and Lori help her out]

Lincoln: Upsy-daizy.

Lori: There you go, Leni.

Leni: [grateful] Agoo.

[Lisa suddenly starts laughing evilly and has Lily strapped to one of her machines to use her as a test subject]

Lily: Poo-poo?

[Lisa is about to throw the switch but Laney stops her]

Laney: Are you nuts!

Lisa: Come on, Laney! No one in this family ever willingly lets me do experiments on them!

Laney: For a reason! One being Lily's a baby.

Lisa: I was going to give her a sucker afterward. [holds out a lollipop to which Lincoln facepalms]

Lincoln: Look, everyone just stay away from Lily! She's my little Lincoln!

Laney: Don't I get a say in this?

Lori, Leni, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lincoln, and Lisa: NO!

Laney: [points that Lily is now gone again]

Lincoln: DANG IT!

[Luna is jamming with Lily on drums and gets up on her bunk bed]

Luna: STAGE DIVE! WOO! [dives off her bed right towards Lily who has a bad feeling about this and Lincoln and their sisters push her out of Lily's way] WOO!

Lincoln, Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Laney, Lucy, and Lisa: [see she's gone again] Where's Lily?!

[Lily is having a tea party with Lola]

Lola: More tea, Lady Lilington?

Lana: She doesn't wanna have a dumb tea party. She wants to play with Izzy! [puts Izzy on Lily's head]

Lola: No she doesn't!

Lana: Yes she does!

Lola: No she doesn't!

Lana: Yes she does!

Luna: Dudes, give her back! We were in the middle of a jam sesh!

Lisa: She was my specimen!

Lucy: We were talking to Great Grandma Harriet.

Lynn: We were playing ball!

Luan: We were getting ready to take our show on the road!

Leni: We were gonna look at my magazines!

Lori: We were watching Dylan's date!

Lucy: BT-dubs, Lori, Great-Grandma Harriet knows you regifted her brooch, and she's not happy about it.

[Lori instantly looks regretful]

Lola and Lana: GIVE US BACK LILY!

[The girls all fight over Lily until Laney comes in and grabs her]

Girls: [They stop fighting and notice their sister is about to sneak away] WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!

Laney: Oh dear...

[Laney dashes away only to be stopped by Lincoln]

Lincoln: There you are! Thanks Laney, now give her to me.

Laney: No, I'm taking her back to her crib.

Lincoln: What? But what about our plan to make a perfect sister?

Laney: I'm sorry but I'm out.

Lincoln: But why?

Laney: Because she's already...

Lori: I'll take that. [grabs Lily and runs]

Lincoln: Oh, no, you don't! [gets Lily back from Lori but crashes into Luan who switched Lily out with Mr. Coconuts]

Luan: Whoops. Sorry, Linc! [runs off] Sorry, dummy! [laughs but loses Lily to Leni]

Leni: Ha! Na-na-na, na-na-na! [loses Lily to Lisa while she's gloating at Luan] LILY'S INVISIBLE!

Lucy: Boo.

[Lisa screams and Lucy takes Lily from her]

Lucy: Boo. [Leni runs off screaming]

Laney could only watch as this ridiculous fight for Lily continued. Lisa got Lily back from Lucy, then Luan gets Lily, then Lynn intercepts, Lola drives in, Lana crashes in. Laney didn't have a clue what to do about this situation. She was starting to lose it.

Laney: Lily... Wait... I... Guys... But... I don't... [steam started to blow out of her ears, then she covered them] No.. I can do this! I... [her eyes started to spin] Grrrk! [shouts] **ENOUGH!**

It grew silent and everyone looked at Laney.

Laney: I can't take it anymore! All I wanted was a perfect sister, but you guys have turn it all into a big mess! This has to stop!

Lincoln: Laney's right. We all want Lily to be our mini-me, right? Well, there's only one way to settle this. We'll let Lily choose.

[Everyone has come together for Lily decide which sibling she's going to be with]

Lincoln: Now, whoever Lily crawls to is the one she wants to be with. Agreed?

[The girls nod and they all take out their items relating to what they wanted Lily to like what they like earlier: Lincoln has his Ace Savvy comic, Lori has the TV remote, Leni has her fashion magazine, Luna has her drumsticks, Luan has Mr. Coconuts, Lynn has her baseball mitt, Lucy has her photo of Abe Lincoln, Lana has Izzy, Lola has her teapot, and Lisa has her cables; each one of them beckon Lily with them]

Lincoln: Come on! It's Ace Savvy!

Luan: Wooden you like to be my friend?

Lynn: Low and inside!

Lana: Izzy!

Leni: Look at the magazine!

Lori: Marisol?

Lola: Extra sugar!

Luna: Walk this way.

Lucy: Abe Lincoln.

Lisa: I have more suckers!

Laney: I don't know how this could get any crazier...

[Lily is starting to feel a little stressed over which one of them to be with as she just can't decide; fortunately for her, Clyde comes in]

Clyde: LINCOLN! You wanna hang out with babies? [tears off his clothes revealing to be wearing a diaper and puts on a bonnet and busts out Lily's blanket] Then let's hang. [puts his thumb in mouth]

[The Loud Kids all gasp at the sight of Clyde]

Laney: Nevermind...

While all of the Louds where speechless at Clyde's new baby get up. Lily starts crawling towards someone...or something.

Lincoln: Hey, look! Lily's coming to me!

Lynn: Nuh-uh! To me!

Lincoln: To me!

Lynn: To me!

[Lily crawls all the way to Clyde because he has her blanket]

Loud Kids: SHE CHOSE CLYDE?!

Clyde: I have something to say to you, Little Miss Friend Stealer! [Lily takes her blanket back and makes a cute face to Clyde] You are... [Unable to resist her cuteness] ...absolutely adorable! No wonder Lincoln wants to hang with you! [hugs her]

Lincoln: [disturbed at his best friend's ensemble] Clyde, why are you wearing a diaper?

Clyde: You replaced me with Lily, so I thought this was the only way to win you back.

Lincoln: I'd never replace you. You're my best friend.

Lily: [cuddling her blanket] Blankie!

Lincoln: Her blankie...of course! Now I get it, you guys. We can't mold Lily. No matter what we do, she's always gonna want the things she wants.

Laney: What do you think I've been trying to tell you this whole time?

Lincoln: Besides, I forgot I already have someone who likes everything I like. What do you say, Clyde? Wanna hang?

Clyde: Sorry, Lincoln. Lily and I have plans. Hey, Lily! What has four thumbs and loves milk?

Clyde and Lily: [point to themselves] These guys!

[as they left Lincoln talks to Laney]

Lincoln: I guess you're right Laney. We can't change Lily. Sorry I got you involved in all this.

Laney: That's okay Lincoln. Besides, Lily's gonna grow up someday. Until then, you guys are perfect enough for me. [hugs Lincoln, Lincoln hugs back]

Lori: [on her phone] Bobby, does your mom still have that brooch I gave her?

[Lucy raises her head up and smiles, knowing she successfully got Great Grandma Harriet's message to Lori]


	16. Ties That Bind

**Ties That Bind**

It was a quiet saturday morning. You may think so, but if you happen to live in the Loud House, you'd know peace and quiet goes out the window... [A butterfly perches on Lincoln's window. Just then, a sudden blast blows the butterfly away and we see the real actions occurring inside the Loud House] See what I mean?

[Inside, Luna is rocking, Lucy is reading her poetry on the attic steps, Lola and Lana are racing with their car and pogo stick, some commotion is coming from Lisa and Lily's room, Lily is finger painting on the hall walls, and Luan is practicing with her dummy Mr. Coconuts]

Mr. Coconuts: How do you make an egg roll?

Luan: I don't know. How do you make an egg roll?

Mr. Coconuts: You push it!

Luan: Good one, Mr. Coconuts, but your delivery was a little wooden. [laughs]

[Mr. Coconuts just turns at her and stares at her vividly. Luan reacts surprised and turns to the viewers awkwardly. Leni comes out of her room wearing one of Lori's tanktops]

Lori: [angrily] Is that my shirt? Take it off!

Leni: I can't! There are boys here!

[Mr. Coconuts raises his eyebrows in an aroused motion and Luan covers his eyes.]

Mr. Coconuts: Ah, coconuts.

[Lynn is leaping off the walls in the manners of parkour. Lincoln is trying to copy it, but falls on his face. Lynn bounces off Luna's speakers and leaps over Lola's car and Lana's pogo stick. Lincoln tries it but Lola runs him over and Lana bounces off him. He tries to catch up with Lynn.]

Lynn: See, Linc, the key to parkour is momentum. Never stop moving. [leaps onto and springs off the bathroom door] Door jump! [flips back]

Lincoln: Door jump! [drop kick opens the door and falls in] Whoa!

[Cliff comes walking out of the bathroom with a piece of toilet paper on his right paw. The hind one]

Lincoln: [on the bathroom floor] I'm okay. Just gonna lie here a sec on the nice, soft floor.

Laney: Um, do you mind? [Laney is shown by the sink brushing her teeth]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Welcome to a typical Saturday morning in the Loud House. Sure it's crazy, but that's the way we like it. All twelve of us.

[At that moment, their mom's voice comes through the vent]

Rita: Twelve is way too many. I can't take it anymore.

Lynn Sr.: But we can't get rid of them. I'm too attached.

[Lincoln gasps and gets closer to hear better]

Rita: I know you are, honey, but they're just so obnoxious and loud.

[Laney overhears the conversation, and gets closer as well]

Laney: Are they talking about us?

[the two look out into the hallway to see the chaos that they love possibly being the cause of this issue with Lori trying to get her shirt back from Leni who's running from her while Lori holds on]

Lori: Stop! You're stretching my shirt!

Rita: I'm sorry, but my mind is made up. I want all of them out of the house and on the curb in time for trash pickup tomorrow.

Laney: [frightened] Trash pickup?! Lincoln! What's gonna happen to us?!

Lincoln: I don't know! [runs off to tell his sisters]

Laney couldn't help but look at the vents, could her parents really be planning to get rid of their children?

Lincoln: Laney! Come on! [grabs Laney]

Of course not! They just didn't hear the whole conversation...

[Down the vent the scene goes to their parents' room to reveal what they're actually talking about, which appears to be about their father's neckties]

Lynn Sr.: But I love my tie collection! Cool neckwear is my thing.

Rita: Honey, they're an embarrassment.

Lynn Sr.: [holds up his disco tie] Not this one. [presses a button that makes it light up and play music] It's like a dance party around your neck. [starts dancing which makes his wife feel embarrassed]

[The girls have heard what Lincoln heard through the vent and don't believe him.]

Lori: That is literally the dumbest thing you have ever said.

Lynn: Yeah. Why would they want to get rid of us?

[Lincoln shows them the damage, nay, the destruction they have caused in the hallway and a coyote trying to make off with Mr. Coconuts. The coyote notices the kids, drops Mr. Coconuts, and leaves]

Girls: Oh.

Lori: [still disbelieving] Whatever, Mr. Paranoid. This is a waste of valuable texting time.

Lincoln: Lori, wait! I'm serious! Come listen for yourself.

Seconds later...

Lori: [to her other sisters] IT'S TRUE! MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING RID OF US!

[The others start panicking]

Lola: [furious] I'm gonna go down there and give them a piece of my mind!

Laney: [stops Lola] Lola! Calm down!

Lola: I'm gonna lose my princess bed! Don't you tell me to calm down!

Lincoln: This is what got us in trouble in the first place. The yelling, the fighting, and the loudness.

Laney: Is "Loudness" even a word?

Lori: Lincoln's right. We have to be quiet, and perfectly well behaved.

Lincoln: If we all work together, maybe we can convince Mom and Dad not to get rid of us. Now who's with me?

Sisters: [yelling] WE ARE! [realize their noise and tone down] We are.

And so the kids put their operation to work. Lynn stopped doing sports in the house. Lisa stopped concocting mad science experiments. Luan stopped cracking jokes. And Luna stopped jamming, much to her dismay.

Luna: [sorrowfully] Sorry, love. Time to go acoustic. [puts away her axe and starts playing a zither]

Luan: [puts away Mr. Coconuts] So sorry, Mr. Coconuts.

Mr. Coconuts: [played by Luan] Without me, you're just a hand! [Luan closes the trunk on him and speaks for him in a muffled tone] Hey! I bring the funny! You're always-

[Luan zips her lip and is now a mime]

But more importantly, they stopped fighting and breaking things.

Leni: Here's your shirt back.

Lori: Thanks. [takes her shirt back and sees what Leni's wearing] Wait! That's my sweater!

Lincoln: [reminding his eldest sister] Remember the plan.

Lori: [feigning] And it looks so much cuter on you! [grins widely]

[Lily is crying with worry of getting kicked out and Luan performs the classic trapped-in-a-box routine and cheers Lily up. Leni walks in]

Leni: Oh my gosh! Luan, are you okay? HELP, GUYS! I THINK LUAN'S TRAPPED!

[Meanwhile downstairs, Laney was walking to the living room with a book in her hand, she sees Lucy sitting on the couch trying to smile]

Laney: Hey Lucy. Are you okay?

Lucy: [feigns happiness] Just swell Laney. I'm having a great day...

Laney: Are you trying to smile or you going insane?

Lucy: Don't worry about me Laney. Just making sure everyone's happy and not trashed out of our house...

Laney: Okay...

Lincoln: Guys! Get up here! Mom and Dad are at the vent again.

Moments later all the children were in the bathroom eavesdropping on their parents conversation.

Rita: Okay, maybe I judged them unfairly. Forget what I said about getting rid of all of them.

[The kids are relieved]

Lori: It worked!

Laney: Thank goddness!

Twins: We did it! We get to stay!

Lucy: Oh joy. What a relief.

Lincoln: [still straining from not being able to go at such an inconvenient time] Speaking of relief, everyone out, please.

[The girls all leave the bathroom happy that they're not gonna have to leave as Luan pretends to pull on a rope]

Leni: [intrigued by Luan's rope trick] Ooh! Invisible rope! [follows it]

[Lincoln shuts the bathroom door so he can pee as his parents talk more]

Lynn Sr.: You mean it? I can keep them all?

Rita: I didn't say that. But I will let you keep your favorite.

Laney: [rushes in] Favorite!?

Lincoln: [whispers] How did you... Nevermind! Quiet.

Lynn Sr.: But they're all equally great. How can I pick just one?

Rita: Come on. There must be one that stands out above the rest.

[Lincoln and Laney looked at each other]

The very next day, Laney was painting of her dear mom and dad, in hopes to become the favorite.

[Laney's painting was Rita and Lynn Sr. from the day they met, she was walking towards her parents room when she bumped into Lori]

Laney: Oh, hey Lori...

Lori: What's that?

Laney: Oh, just something I worked on. Thought I took up painting again and made this. Nothing to be suspicous about...

Lori: Oh yeah? Then why does it have mom and dad on it?

Laney: Ummm... [tries to walk away with her painting but Lori grabbed her by the skirt]

Lori: Laney. What's going on?

Laney: Umm... [cut to Laney and the rest of her siblings next to the bathroom] And then mom said she'll only leave the favorite.

Lincoln: But on the upside, we're not all getting kicked out. One of us gets to stay.

Lynn: And you thought it'd be either of you? [viciously bites into a Lincoln pancake]

Lola: What happened to 'we all work together'?

Lincoln: I'm sorry. I just kind of panicked.

Laney: And I just don't want to be abandoned...

Luna: Dudes, Mom and Dad are talking again.

[They rush over to the vent]

Lynn Sr.: I don't know. Maybe I'll keep the musical one.

[Luna smiles triumphantly]

Rita: Are you kidding? That one makes my ears bleed.

Luna: [heartbroken] Way harsh, Mom...

[Her siblings console her]

Lynn Sr.: Well, I definitely don't need the dark one. So dreary. Good for a funeral, but what else, really? Right?

[Lucy gasps, thinking that Dad meant he doesn't want her and Lynn laughs at her]

Lynn Sr.: But not the yellow and blue striped one right? It's cute. [Laney looks down at her yellow and blue striped socks]

Rita: No way! It's too clingy! [Laney becomes heart broken]

Lynn Sr.: How about the one with the hockey sticks?

Rita: Eh, never been a fan. [Now Lynn gasps] Same with the filthy one. [Lana scoffs]

Lynn Sr.: How about the funny one?

[Luan puts a smile on her face, thinking she'll be the one]

Rita: Never made me laugh.

[Luan replaces her smile with a frown and puts a teardrop on her cheek]

Lynn Sr.: Ugh. Now the pink one I can definitely do without.

Lola: [enraged] You will PAY FOR THIS!

Rita: And the littlest one is just crying to be thrown out.

[Lily is flabbergasted. She puts her pacifier in her mouth and goes into a fetal position.]

Rita: Then we've got the dumb one.

[The other kids look at Leni]

Leni: [oblivious] What?

Lynn Sr.: You know, I'd also feel a little guilty about tossing out the gifted one.

[Lisa seems calm about that comment presumably reflect on her]

Rita: Oh, who's gonna know? [Lisa's expression changes] So where does that leave us?

[The girls realize there's only one left and it's the only boy]

Lisa: I believe it leaves you with Lincoln. But what do I know? I'm just the gifted one.

Laney: But he's not just going let mom and dad throw all of us away. Right Lincoln?

Lincoln: [happily] Wow...I've always wonder what it would be like to be an only child.

Laney: WHAT?!

Lincoln: [snaps out of it] Uh...I mean... [feigning sympathy] ...being an only child is gonna be terrible. What am I gonna do without you guys?

Lori: Well, I guess we'd better go pack.

[The girls leave the bathroom forlornly]

Leni: I'm still trying to figure out who the dumb one is.

[wipe to Laney, Lynn, and Lucy's room. Laney was packing all of her things in her suitcase]

Laney: I can't believe it's come to this. Kicked out of our own house. [sniffs] I didn't to make mom and dad mad at me.

Lynn: Don't worry Lanes. Things will turn up for us.

Laney: How?

Lynn: Maybe a rich family will take us in and they will be twice as cooler than our old parents!

Laney: But I'll miss our old parents...

Lucy: Gotta accept your fate Laney. Our parents hate us. The best thing we can do is to forget about them and move on.

Laney sighed and went outside her room, but as she walked she saw Lincoln in his room packing a bindle. He then called for all of his sisters to meet up with him.

Lincoln: You may be wondering why I assembled you all here.

Lori: Uh, yeah. You've got five minutes. I literally have an entire wardrobe to pack.

Lincoln: Don't bother. [sighs] I overheard another conversation between Mom and Dad.

[The girls chastise him for eavesdropping even further]

Lincoln: Wait. Mom and Dad aren't choosing a favorite kid to keep. They're just getting rid of one: me.

[The girls gasp in shock]

Lincoln: So, I wanted to give you guys my treasured possessions before I, you know, have to leave." [gives Lily his stuffed rabbit] Lily, this is Bun-Bun. He needs two hugs a day, and...try to keep his ears clean.

[Lily puts Bun-Bun in her mouth]

Lincoln: Luan, these are my rarest comics. [Luan turns them down] But they're limited editions.

Laney: No! [hugs Lincoln] You're not leaving!

Lori: Yeah! There's no way we're letting Mom and Dad kick you out.

Leni, Luna, Lynn, Lucy, Lola, Lana, and Lisa: YEAH! YOU'RE STAYING!

Lincoln: Really? Even though I was going to turn your rooms into my own personal theme park?

[The girls look at him upset and seem to have changed their minds]

Lola: It was nice knowing ya. [takes Lincoln's pigy bank]

[Lana takes Bun-Bun and the piggy bank back from Lily and Lola and returns them to Lincoln.]

Lana: Of course we won't let you go. You're our only brother.

Lori: Come on. We're gonna march right down there and tell Mom and Dad you're staying!

[Mom and Dad's room. The kids barge in and the girls start demanding their folks to let Lincoln stay and trip onto the floor.]

Parents: What the-

[The girls are all still demanding that Lincoln stay]

Leni: There's nothing wrong with his white hair!

Lynn Sr.: White hare? You kids like my Easter tie?

Luna: [clearly confused] Easter tie?

[The Easter tie makes a high-pitched laugh]

Laney: Tie?

Lynn Sr.: Yeah. It's great, right? You know what? They all are!" [looks at his collection which shows themes similar to his daughters] "Honey, I'm not getting rid of any of these ties!

Lincoln: Ties? You guys have been talking about ties?

Rita: Of course. What did you think we were talking about?

Lincoln: Uh, nothing.

Lola: [pleadingly horrified] WE THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA GET RID OF US!

[Their parents laugh at such a thought]

Rita: Oh, we would never do that. You're the best eleven things that ever happened to us.

Lynn Sr.: There's twelve, honey.

Rita: Yep. Right.

[The girls are relieved that it was all just a misunderstanding. Lincoln looks at his Dad's Easter tie which laughs again]

Lincoln: [crept out] Whoof! Dad really should get rid of that one.

[The kids leave, but Laney stood behind and hugged her mother]

Laney: Please don't get rid of us. I didn't mean to eavesdrop on you.

Rita: Honey, we forgive you. But next time If you think that were talking about something bad. Talk to us before you jump to conclusions okay?

Laney: Okay mom. [She leaves]

The very next Saturday, things were back to normal. The kids return to their antics with Lynn trying to teach Lincoln parkour, Luna jamming, Lily finger painting, Lucy reading her poetry, Lola and Lana playing with their car and pogo stick, Luan practicing with Mr. Coconuts...

Luan: Good one, Mr. Coconuts!

And Lori and Leni are back to disputing.

[Lincoln gets covered in Lori's sweater, resulting in him landing in the bathroom again. This time, Geo gets a trail of toilet paper stuck to his hamster ball]

Lincoln: Ah... [to the viewers] Looks like everything's back to normal at the Loud House. And my eavesdropping days are over.

Laney: Wish I can say the same about crashing into other people's privacy... [Laney as at the sink brushing her teeth, Lincoln nervously smiled]

Lynn Sr.: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE GOT A BUN IN THE OVEN?!

Lincoln: [gasps in alarm] YOU GUYS! [runs off to tell his sisters]

Lynn Sr.: You know I'm gluten free!

Laney rolled her eyes and continue to brush her teeth.


	17. Sleuth or Consequences

**Sleuth or Concequences**

It was night time at the Loud House, and everyone was sound asleep. But in Laney's room, someone was sneaking out for a read. Laney can't help but notice that one of her sisters is acting a tad suspicious. She ignored it and went back to bed...

(The next morning)

[Cut to Laney staring at Lincoln's costume while the other sisters laughed]

Lynn: Get a load of this!

Lori: That is literally the funniest thing I have ever seen!

Lola: You aren't going out in public like that, are you?

Lisa: I might point out that you are well past the recommended age that this behavior is deemed acceptable.

[they laugh some more]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Harsh, right? But you know what? It doesn't even bother me. With 10 opinionated sisters, you gotta have a thick skin.

Laney: Don't listen to them, Lincoln. I think your costume is...um... Did you made that yourself?

Lincoln: If you'll excuse me. I have some guyliner to apply.

Laney couldn't help but snicker to what Lincoln said. But suddenly just as Lincoln entered the bathroom, water started flooding out.

Laney: Ahh! What happened to the bathroom?!

Lori: Lincoln clogged the toilet again!

Lola: I'm telling Dad! [goes to do so]

Lincoln: What makes you think I did it?

Luan: Maybe because you made more clogs than a Dutch shoe factory! [laughs during rimshot]

And it is true, Lincoln has flushing down some unwanted things.

[cut to a few flashbacks of Lincoln clogging the toilet; Flashback #1: Lincoln is scraping his gross dinner into the toilet]

Lincoln: So long, liverwurst loaf! [flushes the toilet only for it to back up]

Lola: [bursts in] I'm telling Dad!

[Flashback #2: Lincoln is holding an embarrassing sweater his mother made him]

Lincoln: Mom can't make me wear you if she can't find you. [flushes it down the toilet only for another clog to occur]

Lola: [bursts in] I'm telling Dad!

[Flashback #3: Lincoln is pouring a bunch of CD's into the toilet]

Lynn Sr.: [off-screen] Has anyone seen my CD's? I gotta practice for karaoke night!

[as Lynn Sr. practices his singing, Lincoln flushes them down the toilet only for the obvious to happen]

Lola: [bursts in] I'm telling Dad!

[end flashbacks]

Lincoln: All true. But this time, it wasn't me. I swear!

[Lola brings Lynn Sr. up and is holding a plunger]

Lynn Sr.: Well, there goes my Saturday.

Lana: [moves Lola aside and busts out an even heavier plunger known as Big Bertha] Forget that pitiful plunger, Dad. This is a class 5 clog. You're gonna need Big Bertha!

Lynn Sr.: Well, Mr. Flush-My-CD's-Down-The-Can, I assume this was your doing?

Lincoln: No, Dad! For real! It was not me!

Lynn Sr.: Well, somebody did it! Toilets don't just clog themselves! Until one of you fesses up, everyone's grounded!

[the sisters complain about this unjust decision]

Lincoln: But Dad, I can't be grounded! The convention's in a few hours and I gotta get my Ace Savvy comic signed!

Lynn Sr.: Until I know who did the crime, you're all doing the time!

[everyone complains even more]

Lana: [entering the bathroom with her father and Big Bertha] Big Bertha coming through! [Laney walks up to Lincoln]

Lincoln: Laney! Being the only voice of reason in this house, you have to believe me.

Laney: Well, I'm not quite sure if you did this or not. I wasn't there to see what really happened. Did you get any evidence?

Lincoln: No. But I'm gonna find some. I'm gonna find out who the real clogger is...Ace Savvy style! [pulls out his deck and drops it again] Dang it.

Later in Lincoln's room...

[Lincoln is shuffling a deck of cards and places various cards he put drawings of his sisters on onto his desk]

Lincoln: Okay Laney, obviously you're not one of the suspects. You only use the bathroom to brush your hair.

Laney: I have a system.

Lincoln: So that leaves us with 10. [looks at the cards] One of you is the perp... but which one?

Lucy: [comes out of nowhere] Hey, Linc. [scares Lincoln & and Laney] I might have a tip for you.

Laney: Well, what is it? Who- [Lincoln interrupts her]

Lincoln: [suspicious] Wait. Why do you wanna help?

Lucy: I don't care about being grounded. My life is just an endless mental prison, anyway. But it's not fair that you have to miss your thing.

Lincoln: Thank you. So, what have you got?

Lucy: Lynn has eaten spicy meatball subs for ten days straight. You know what that does to your digestive system?

Laney: [disgusted] Don't remind me...

Lincoln: That's disgusting, but also a lead! I like your instincts, kid. You wanna team up?

Lucy: Sure. I've got nothing else to do. Besides bear the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Laney: You never cease to to amaze us with your unwavering sense of optimism, Lucy.

[in the kitchen, Lynn is indeed eating a meatball sub; suddenly, Lucy shines a flashlight in her face]

Lynn: Hey! What's with the light?

Lincoln: Why don't you admit it, Lynn? You jammed the john!

Lynn: I think those tights are cutting off oxygen to your brain.

Lincoln: Oh yeah? Then explain this! [dumps discarded sub wrappers on the table] Nobody can eat this many subs and not wreak havoc on the plumbing!

Laney: Don't be so hard on your own sister Lincoln! [to Lynn] Please ignore my partner, he tends to be a little hasty. We just talk about why the toilet's clogged. Did you made any stops today?

Lynn: Nice try, geniuses, but my favorite roller derby is playing tonight and I never bomb the bowl before the big game. It's bad luck! If I go number 2, we won't be number 1!

Laney: Going to the bathroom isn't bad luck.

Lynn: Tell that to the Murder Flies who lost a game because one of their members had diarrhea.

Lucy: Gross.

Lynn: If you wanna know who plugged the porcelain, why don't you ask Lisa? She keeps a log of all our bathroom habits. Pun intended.

Lincoln: Of course! Lisa's weird poop study! Let's go see this joker! [holds up the wrong card]

Lucy: That's the 2 of Diamonds.

Lincoln: UGH!

[Lisa and Lily's room]

Lincoln: I need the file from last night from 1 to 4 AM.

Lisa: [looks for the requested file] 1 to 4 AM...Hmm. It seems to be missing.

Lucy: Missing? How convenient! Clearly, you did it! Case closed!

Lisa: Oh, please! I haven't used the family lavatory in years! It takes too much time away from my studies. I prefer to use Lily's training potty.

Lincoln: Well, it looks like your story's clean...but your training potty's not.

Lucy: What about Lily? She's always dumping her dirty diapers in the toilet.

Lincoln: Aha! [slides right into and knocks over Lily's diaper genie and reveals a plethora of pooped padding] Nope! I'd say they're all here! That clears these two.

Laney: What about Lori?

Lincoln: Of course! She was so quick to point the finger at me, and you know what they say, She who dodged it, lodged it!

[Lincoln goes to interrogate Lori; just then, a stretch and snap sound effect is heard; Lincoln returns revealing that Lori gave him an atomic wedgie to prove her innocence]

Lincoln: Lori did not do it!

Lincoln: Better put a pot of cocoa on. We've only got 2 more hours until the convention and 5 more suspects to go.

Laney: I'd like some cocoa.

[Their next suspect is Luan]

Luan: It wasn't me! I was asleep the whole time and I can prove it! I film myself sleeping in case I say something funny I can use in my act.

[Video footage shows such an event]

Luan: [sleep-joking] What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer! [laughs during rimshot]

[They cross off Luan and move onto Leni]

Leni: Ooh! You wanna do an interview? Okay! My favorite color is zebra and the secret to a great smile is...

[They cross off Leni who proves to be too dumb to pull off such an act and move onto Lana]

Lana: Wish I could take the credit. I've been trying to dam up the dumper for years.

[They cross of Lana and move onto Lola]

Lola: I would never get up in the middle of the night. It disrupts my beauty sleep.

[They cross off Lola and move onto their final suspect, Luna]

Luna: I was at a rock concert, dudes.

Lucy: Prove it...

[Luna turns on the TV to a news report of last night's concert where she is shown chasing Mick Swagger on stage]

TV Luna: MICK! WAIT! I JUST WANT A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR!

[Lincoln, Laney, and Lucy are just speechless at Luna's alibi]

Laney: Yeah, that's her. She loves that guy.

Lincoln: "GAH! We're running out of time and we've got nothing!"

Lana: WE'VE GOT SOMETHING! [finds the source of the clog] Here's the culprit! [hands it to Lincoln]

Lincoln: Aha! A break in the case! [sees that it's a book] " _ **Princess Pony: The Touching True Story Of A Delightful Pony Who Changes The World With Her Horse Sense**_ ".

Laney: Who would read something like that?

Lucy: I'll tell you who: Lola!

Lincoln: That lying scoundrel!

Lana: You guys do remember that was just down the toilet, right?

[Lincoln, Laney, and Lucy revile in disgust and go back to Lola; Lincoln kicks the door open only for it to close on his face; he then enters normally]

Lincoln: We know you did it, Lola! We found your book in the toilet! [shows evidence]

Lola: Barf! That is not mine! I may be girly and pink, but I do have standards!

Laney: She's right.

Lincoln: [convinced] I think she's telling the truth.

Lucy: [doubtful] I don't! She's sweating more than a vampire in the sun! Let me take a run at her! [kicks down Lola's tea party table] We know you did it! ADMIT IT! CONFESS! If you don't tell the truth...YOUR HEART WILL NEVER BE SET FREE!

Lincoln: [holding back an enraged Lucy] Whoa! Easy there, spooky!

Lola: [looks at Laney, unfazed from Lucy's outburst] You're cleaning that up. [Laney sighs as she held out a cloth]

Later, Laney was walking back to her room. But once she got there, she saw Lucy hiding something in the ceiling lamp.

Laney: Lucy?

Lucy: Laney!

Laney: What are you doing?

Lucy: [nervously] Uh. Checking the bulb in this lamp...

Laney: [suspicious] What are you hiding?

Lucy: Nothing you can prove. [Lincoln enters]

Lincoln: [kicks the door open] IT WAS YOU!

Lynn Sr.: [off-screen] LINCOLN! STOP KICKING DOWN THE DOORS!

Lincoln: You're the Princess Pony lover!

Lucy: That's absurd!

Lincoln: Then you won't mind if I search the premises. [searches but fails to find any evidence]

Lucy: Are you done?

Lincoln: I'll be done when I'm- [notices something on the floor] That's an odd shadow. [looks up to the ceiling lamp and finds a clue] Aha! Lisa's missing bathroom files!

Lucy: Lynn must have put that there! You've got nothing on me! [just then, her gloomy macabre poster peels off and reveals a Princess Pony poster from behind] Dang it...

Lincoln: You've been lying to me this whole time! Why?

Lucy: [readjusts macabre poster] I couldn't let our sisters know I read Princess Pony. You know how they are. They'd make fun of me for the rest of my life.

Lincoln: So, why do you read it?

Lucy: Even I need a break from the darkness every now and then.

Lincoln: So, how'd it end up in the toilet?

Lucy: The bathroom is the only place I can safely read it.

[flashes back to last night]

Lucy: I was reading it last night. And when I heard someone coming, I panicked.

[Through her panicking, Lucy tossed the book into the toilet and hid in the bathtub when a groggy Lincoln came by to use the toilet and flushed it; as soon as he left, it gave Lucy the chance to escape and save her secret; end flashback]

Laney: But Lucy, I'd never make fun of you. Why didn't you tell me?

Lucy: I'd thought you'd make fun of me like the rest.

Laney: Lucy, I'm you're sister. It's basically my job to be there for you. We're supposed to understand each other.

Lucy: Thanks Laney.

Lincoln: That's great. But Lucy, you have to tell everybody. They still think I did it!

Lucy: But they'll tease me even worse than they tease you! You can probably handle that, but I can't!

Lincoln: I'm about to miss the convention! Either you tell them, or I will!

Lucy: [admitting defeat] Sigh...I'll tell them...

[Downstairs, Lori and Leni are texting each other, Lola's fixing her hair, Lana's arranging her tools, Lynn's doing push-ups, Lisa's reading, and Luan and Luna are fighting over the TV remote]

Luan: Give it back!

Luna: It's mine!

[Enter Laney with Lucy, ready to confess]

Laney: Lucy has something she wants to say.

Lucy: Yes... [gets their attention and reveals the book] This is what totaled the toilet.

Lisa: Princess Pony?!

[the sisters laugh]

Lynn: Which one of you lame-o's does that belong to?

Lisa: Certainly not me! It's so sickeningly sweet I get a toothache just looking at it!

Leni: [terrified at Lisa's exaggeration] Can that really happen?

Luan: Whoever that belongs to is gonna be the laughing stock of this house!

Lori: Yeah! They are literally worse than Lincoln! And he wears his underwear on the outside!

[The other sisters laugh some more and Lucy knows she has to face the music; Lincoln notices Lucy's pain and feels bad for her]

Lucy: Actually...the book belongs to-

Lincoln: Me!

Luan, Leni, Lynn, Lana, Lola, Lisa, Lori, Laney, and Luna: [flabbergasted] YOU?!

Lincoln: I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd make fun of me.

Lori: [sounding sympathetic] Aw, Lincoln..." [now condescending] ...of course, we're gonna make fun of you! But only for the rest of your life! [as Luna, and Lola look at him smugly].

Lincoln: [undeterred] I'm looking forward to it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go tell-

Lola: [doing it for him] DAD! IT WAS LINCOLN WHO CLOGGED THE TOILET!

Lynn Sr.: LINCOLN, YOU'RE GROUNDED! GIRLS, YOU'RE NO LONGER GROUNDED!

[the other sisters cheer and celebrate their freedom]

Lucy: Why did you do that?

Laney: Why did you tell them that book was yours and not Lucy's?

Lincoln: Because you were right. I can handle the teasing. I'm quite comfortable with who I am. Obviously. But don't worry. Someday, you'll be, too. Until then, your big brother's got your back.

Lucy: [smiling and grateful] Thanks, Lincoln.

Lincoln: As Ace Savvy would say...it's no big deal! [screws up the card trick again] Dang it.

[Later that night in Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: [perfects the card trick] I did it!

[Enter Laney and Lucy, who was holding something in her hands]

Lucy: Hey, Lincoln. [scares Lincoln again] Sorry you missed your convention. Here. I made you something. [hands it over to him to reveal it's a horror comic book she made] It's no signed Ace Savvy comic, but I hope you like it.

Laney: I even signed it for you. [Lincoln looks at the cover and finds a signature on it]

Lincoln: [gratefully disturbed] Thanks guys, I see Lucy's break from the darkness is over.

And so Laney went back to her room, knowing that the mystery was finally solved.

Lynn: [ecstatic] WOO-HOO! MY TEAM DID IT! WE'RE NUMBER 1! [feels intestinal distress] Ooh...time for Number 2... [hurries to the bathroom]

Lana: DAD, I THINK WE'RE GONNA NEED BIG BERTHA AGAIN!

* * *

 **So now you know that I'm continuing this story. I'll update with a new chapter, one or two, every weekend!**

 **Until then, sign off!**


	18. Butterfly Effect

**Butterfly Effect**

Lincoln: Watch in awe, as The Amazing Lincoln displays his unbelievable yo-yo skills! I shall now "walk the dog"!

(Charles enters the scene, carrying a leash in his mouth)

Lincoln: Not you, Charles. I meant the yo-yo.

(Charles wimpers, and he walks out of the scene; Lincoln does his "walk the dog" trick)

Lincoln: I shall now go "AROUND THE WORLD"!

(Charles enters the scene, carrying a suitcase)

Lincoln: Sorry, still talking about the yo-yo.

(Charles whimpers, and he walks out of the scene; Lincoln attempts to do the "around the world" trick, but the yo-yo flies off his finger, ricochets around the hallway, and flies into Lisa and Lily's room, causing a crash)

Lincoln: (nervous) The Amazing Lincoln will now take a brief intermission.

(Lincoln and Charles look into the room, and they see that the bottles on Lisa's desk have been broken, with their contents spilled)

Laney: Lisa, whatever experiment you're doing do you think you can keep it down a- [Laney sees the mess in Lisa's room and gasps] Lincoln! What have you done!?

Lincoln: Uh, I was doing a yo yo trick then it smashed right into Lisa and Lily's room! It was an accident, I swear!

Laney: Well accident or not, you need to tell Lisa what happened.

Lincoln: Are you kidding me?! You know what she'll do If she ever finds out?!

Laney: I'm sure it won't be that bad...

(flashes into Lincoln's imagination, where Lisa observes the damage in a dark, stylized environment)

Lisa: (turning red with anger, with her teeth sharpened) You've completely destroyed my life's work! I DESPISE YOU, AND YOU NO LONGER EXIST TO ME!

(a wall of fire burns in the background behind her, along with a cultist choir, as the scene flashes back to Lincoln)

Lincoln: No! She mustn't know about this! (Charles whimpers) Oh, come on, Charles. When did you get a conscience? I've seen you poop on the couch!

Laney: But Lincoln, you can't just walk away from something you've done! Not telling the truth can have dangerous concequences!

Lincoln: You worry too much, Lanes. Besides, if I walk away, what's the worst that can happen? (Charles glances at the viewer; Lincoln takes the yo-yo from the damage) I'll just remove the evidence, and they'll be none the wiser.

As Laney and Lincoln walk away from Lisa's room. Laney was concerned that the small accident that occured in ther could leave to a big disaster. And she should be worried, just then an explosion was heard and Lisa dashed to her room to see the mess. Laney walked over to see what was going on.

Laney: Um. Is everything alright?

Lisa: I'm not quite sure. I don't understand what went wrong.

Laney: I wouldn't know...

Lisa: [sighs] Science is a fickle mistress.

(Lori is looking over a hole in the wall causes by the explosion, which leads to the closet in her's and Leni's room; Leni pokes her head through the hole)

Leni: Hi, Lori! Have we always had a window in our closet?

Lori: Ugh, it's not a window. Lisa's experiment blew a hole in the wall. (notices a picture frame peeking out from the other side) What's this? (Lori sees that the frame contains a signed photo of Bobby) **"To my bodacious babe"**? Leni, why is this picture Bobby hidden on your side of the closet?

Leni: Oh, there is it is! That was a surprise present from Bobby for your 88-day-iversary. He asked me to hide it for him, but I forgot where I put it.

Lori: That anniversary was eight days ago, and Bobby gave me socks! I can't believe this! You're literally seeing Bobby behind my back! You are no longer my sister!

Lincoln: (walks into the room) Everything okay after that unexpected and totally random explosion that I know nothing about? (Lori shouts in anger, marches out of the room, and slams the door; a coat rack in the closet falls onto Leni, knocking her out; a shelf also tips over, causing several pairs of shoes to fall on opens her eyes as she regains consciousness on Lisa's bed; Lincoln, Laney, and Lisa are looking down on her)

Leni: What happened?

Laney: You got hit in the head with a lot of shoes.

Leni: Of course! Everyone knows that an object falling at a velocity of 9.8 meters per second squared will result in a temporary loss of consciousness.

Laney: Why is Leni talking like Lisa?

Lincoln: Hey, I saw this in a movie once. I bet getting hit on the head altered Leni's brain and made her smart.

Lisa: Lincoln, you seem unable to distinguish between scientific fact and preposterous Hollywood schlock.

Leni: I don't get it.

Lisa: See? Same old Leni. Can't even understand simple English.

Leni: (walks over to Lisa's chalkboard, which contains a complex equation) No, I don't get why you multiplied your "Z" polynomials before solving your non-negative integer exponents. (Lisa looks over the equation, and gasps loudly as it dawns on her that Leni is right) Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to disprove Newtonian physics. Buh-bye!

Lisa: (collapses to the floor, crestfallen) My world no longer makes sense.

(Charles looks up and growls at Lincoln)

Lincoln: Don't you have a couch to poop on?

Moments Later, Laney walked downstairs to see an extremely upset Lynn.

Laney: What's wrong Lynn?

Lynn: I just got kicked off all my sports teams because I'm failing school!

Lincoln: How could you fail? Doesn't Lisa tutor you?

Lynn: She used to, until she dropped out and got a job as a gas station attendant at Flip's Food & Fuel!

Lincoln & Laney: She WHAT?!

Lynn: UGH, WITHOUT SPORTS, MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS! (kicks her soccer ball hard)

Lola: (walks down the stairs) I present to you your new "Miss Cute and- (the ball hits her in the face) OH, MY NOSE!

Laney: Lola! (walk up to her) Are you okay? (Lola looks into a mirror, and sees that her nose has severely swollen up)

Lola: How can I be okay? I am a hideous...monster.

Lincoln: It's not that bad, Lola.

Lola: MY PAGEANT CAREER IS OVER! (Lola runs up the stairs, and she trips and falls on her face when she reaches the top) OH, MY TEETH! (cries)

Laney: [turns to Lincoln] I told you there would be concequences for your actions! See how much trouble you caused! (Charles looks up at Lincoln, and he shakes his head in disapproval)

Lincoln: Fine, I'll fix it.

Lincoln and Laney ride their bikes to Flip's Food and Fuel, only to find Lisa wearing a gas station attendant's uniform.

Lincoln: Lisa, why are you doing this?

Lisa: Flip's the only guy who will hire four-year-olds with no experience.

Lincoln: No, I mean, why are you doing any of this? Come home. Lynn needs you!

Lisa: Why don't you get Miss Smartypants to help her! (Leni drives up in a purple convertible) Speak of the Devil. Regular or unleaded?

Leni: (brandishes a certificate) Oh, I don't need gas. I just won the Nobel Prize for inventing a car that runs on apple juice.

Laney: Wow, that's impressive.

Lisa: Of course it is.

Leni: (hands Lisa a juice box) Fill 'er up, please. (Lisa opens up the fuel tank, and squirts the box's contents into it)

Lincoln: And then we'll all get in Leni's juicemobile, go home, and forget all this nonsense.

Leni: Can't! I'm off to Harvard! Au revoir, adios, auf Wiedersehen, and aloha!

Lisa: A-HA! "Aloha" means "Hello"!

Leni: It also means "Goodbye"! (speeds off)

Lisa: Dang it. I used to know that. (Flip, the owner of the station, opens a window and calls out to Lisa)

Flip: Hey, Chatty Cathy, BACK TO WORK!

(the station's payphone rings; Lincoln answers it, and he hears barking on the other end)

Lincoln: Hello? Charles? She's WHAT?! Alright, we're on our way!

Laney: Who was that?

Lincoln: That was Charles! Lola's trying to moving out!

Laney: WHAT?! How can dog use a phone? (Lincoln grabs Laney and they run off)

(Lincoln enters Lola's room, holding an ice pack)

Lincoln: Look who it is, Miss Soon-to-heal. (Lola, who is trying to stuff a bunch of clothes into a suitcase, turns to Lincoln; she still has her swollen nose, and all but one of her teeth are gone)

Lola: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Lincoln: AAAAAHHH! I mean, you're looking better!

Lola: (with a lisp) Oh, nice try, Lincoln, but I am out of here!

Laney: Lola, you're making a big mistake!

Lola: The only mistake I'll ever make is staying here where I'm constantly reminded of my former self! (looks up, sadly, at old photos of herself) My beautiful, beautiful self.

Lincoln: But...But...

(Lola struggles to pull her stuffed suitcase, and the handle breaks off, causing her to fall on her face and black both her eyes)

Lola: I'll send for this! (grabs the ice pack, puts it over her eyes, and walks out into the hallway)

Lincoln: Lola, wait! (Lincoln tries to run for her, but he bumps into a plastic bubble containing Lana)

Laney: Do I have to ask?

Lana: Careful, guys. Lincoln! You could get seriously injured!

Lincoln: Lana, what are you doing in there?

Lana: I saw what happened to Lola. Life is a fragile thing. I don't want to take any risks.

Laney: But I thought you liked taking risks.

Lana: Not anymore! From now on, I'll stay in here, where it's safe! You know what I'm talkin' about, huh, Geo? (Geo rolls by in his hamster ball)

Lincoln: Lana, you can't be serious! Lana?!

Luna: (singing) Things have gotten drastic / Now, my sister lives in plastic / Where did it all now wrong?

Lincoln: Luna?

Luna: (shows Lincoln a laptop) Check it, bro. I uploaded a song I wrote about our family going down the Highway to-HELLO! I just got fifty more hits! (the ceiling breaks open, and Mick Swagger descends, holding into a rope ladder from a helicopter)

Luna: (gasps) Mick Swagger?!

Mick: Your singing is amazing! You gotta join my tour! (holds Luna's hand, Laney hugs Luna tight)

Laney: Please don't go! This family's falling apart!

Luna: Sorry sis, Luna is IN! (the rope goes up though the hole in the ceiling, carrying both away)

Laney: NO!

Luna: (from the helicopter) SORRY, DUDE! (the helicopter flies away)

Laney: Every one of my sisters is going away... (Tears begin to flow)

Lincoln: Laney? Are you- (Laney looks at Lincoln angrily)

Laney: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! (Runs off)

Lincoln: Laney, wait! Oh no! (Lincoln goes into his room, and he decides to contact Clyde with his walkie-talkie) Clyde, this is Lincoln! Come in! I've got a Code Blue!

(the screen splits in half to show Clyde's location)

Clyde: Code Blue?! You did something wrong and lied about it, and now everything is all messed up?!

Lincoln: Affirmative! Can you come over?!

Clyde: Negative. I've got a Code Green!

Lincoln: You showed up to school in your underwear?

Clyde: No, that's Code Orange? Hang on.

(Clyde's is revealed to be skydiving with Lori, and he takes a picture of them with his camera phone; Lincoln gets the picture via text message on his phone, and he jumps up in surprise)

Lincoln: SWEET MOTHER OF...What are you doing with Lori?!

Clyde: I've been trying to tell you! A Code Green; Lori broke up with Bobby, and I'm the rebound guy!

Lori: Happy eight-minute-iversary, Snookie-Booboo-Sugarbear.

(Clyde leans in for a kiss, but Lori deploys her parachute, causing Clyde to kiss a flying bird instead)

Lincoln: (gags and throws away the walkie-talkie) WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY FAMILY?!

(Luan shows up, solemn and depressed, and knocks on Lincoln's door)

Luan: Knock-knock.

Lincoln: Who's there?

Luan: This is not a joke, Lincoln. Do you know what's going on in the world? Here, take Mr. Coconuts. He just reminds me of all the trees being cut down in the rainforest.

Lincoln: Wait, Luan, what brought this on?

Luan: Well, ever since Luna left, I've had no one to try my jokes out on. So, I've been watching a lot of cable news, and what I've seen is horrific. So, I've decided to become...an ACTIVIST!

Lincoln: Don't be ridiculous! You're a comedian! (takes out a pie and throws it into his face) See? Funny, right?

(a horde of wild animals stampedes past Lincoln)

Lincoln: What the heck was that?!

Luan: They're just Lana's pets. I liberated them. And now, I'm off to heal this ticking time bomb we call Earth.

Lincoln: Wait, Luan, you can't be serious!

(the monkey and a big snake are in the living room; Lincoln chases Izzy, who hides under the couch)

Lincoln: Get back here, Izzy! (the snake hisses at him, and hides behind the couch) Izzy, come to Uncle Lincoln!

News Anchor: (on the TV) And now, for tonight's top stories. Former rising star Luna Loud was kicked off the Mick Swagger tour for destroying a hotel room.

(the news cut to footage of Luna screaming amidst the wreckage of her hotel room)

Luna: (in a British accent) ALL I WANTED WAS A BLEEDING PILLOW MINT!

Lincoln: Luna?

News Anchor: In a related story, former comedian turned activist Luan Loud has chained herself to a giant redwood tree.

(the news cuts to footage of Luan chained to a giant redwood tree, while onlookers record her with their mobile devices)

Luan: (chanting) Hey-hey, ho-ho! Keep your hands off, let it grow!

Lincoln: Luan?!

(Izzy, the snake, and the monkey join him in viewing)

News Anchor: I'm being told we have breaking news.

Lincoln: Please don't be one of my sisters!

(the news cuts to a reporter on the scene at Flip's Food & Fuel, with Lisa drinking a "Flippie" ice drink right next to her)

Reporter: Tucker, I'm here at Flip's Food & Fuel, where two unknown bandits have just made off with a carload of beef jerky and a cotton candy machine!

Lisa: They're not unknown, they're my sisters. (sips) Their betrayal hurts more than this brain freeze.

Reporter: I'm getting word that the bandits are currently leading police on a slow-speed chase!

(cuts to an army of police cars chasing Lola's kiddie car through the desert; Lola, her face now covered in bandages, is driving, while Lynn is in the passenger seat, eating cotton candy)

Lincoln: WHERE DID IT ALL GO WROOOONG?!

Reporter: One has to wonder, where did it all go wrong for these girls? And why is a four-year-old working at a gas station?

(Flip takes hold of the camera)

Flip: Interview over! Wait, don't forget to come down to Flip's Food & Fuel, home of the Flippie! Now the interview's over. (puts his hand over the camera)

(Lincoln turns off the TV; Lucy suddenly appears next to him)

Lucy: I was watching that.

Lincoln: (screams and jumps up in terror) Lucy! At least you're still normal! (Lucy looks toward Lincoln, and smiles wide to reveal a pair of fangs) D'AAH! NOT NORMAL!

Lucy: I was bitten by Lana's liberated vampire bat! Greatest! Day! EVER! (turns into a bat and flies away, Lincoln sees Laney by the couch)

Lincoln: Laney! Oh thank goodness you're okay! (Laney began to float up in the air) Not okay! What happened?

Laney: Well, I ran to Lisa's room to see Lily's okay. Then I slipped on some of Lisa's chemicals and next thing I knew I got superpowers!

Lincoln: What kind of superpowers?...

Laney: Mostly flight...(Lifts up the couch) And super strength.

Lincoln: How is this possible?!

Laney: You're asking me? After your little accident made all this possible? (flies away)

Lincoln: Wait! Where are you going?

Laney: I refuse to live in a family that that's broken apart. I'm sorry Lincoln, but brought all of this on yourself. Goodbye...(flies off)

Lincoln: Please come back! It was just an accident! I'm sorry! (Door slams in the distance) Ten sisters lost, but there's still one I can save!

(Lincoln enters Lisa and Lily's room, and he looks into Lily's crib; he finds that she is not in it)

Lincoln: Lily?

(the roof is lifted up from outside by Lily, who has grown to gargantuan size; she looks down at Lincoln, and she giggles)

Lincoln: LILY! (Lincoln sees a trail of Lisa's chemicals leading from her desk to the crib) Oh no, Lisa's chemicals! What have I done?!

LILY: Mmmm...glob-glob!

(Lily reaches down for Lincoln as he tries to run away; he gets caught, and Lily opens her mouth)

Lincoln: DON'T EAT ME, LILY!

(Lincoln screams as Lily lifts him toward her mouth; his open mouth fills the camera, turning the screen black)

(the screen flashes back to the point where Laney, Lincoln, and Charles were overlooking the damage on Lisa's desk)

Lincoln: So that's the worst thing that could happen.

Laney: Well, are you going to tell her or not?

Lincoln: I will! I'm going to tell Lisa!

Lisa: (in the doorway) Tell Lisa what? (gasps as she sees the damage)

LINCOLN: (fearful) I was playing with my yo-yo, and it got out of control, and it wrecked your experiment, and I'm really, really sorry! Go ahead and disown me, 'cause I deserve it! (Lisa smiles, and hugs Lincoln)

Lisa: Mad? I'm ecstatic! You proved my hypothesis! Your recklessness was the one variable my ridgedly-controlled experiment sorely needed!

Lincoln: I'm still confused.

Laney: She's saying thank you for being a clumsy doofus, and admitting what you did.

Lisa: Precisely.

Lincoln: I didn't have a choice. I didn't want you to work at a gas station, or Lynn and Lola to turn to a life of crime, or Lana to live in a bubble, or Laney to get superpowers, though that would be cool...

Lisa: (walking away) Fascinating. Exposure to my chemicals appears to have damaged his cerebral cortex.

Lincoln: (sighs; speaks to the viewers) Boy, am I glad that nightmare's over.

(Lincoln hears a bicycle bell ringing from outside; he looks out and sees Lori, and Clyde riding a tandem bike, which is dragging a string of cans and a sign reading "JUST MARRIED"; the sight of this causes Lincoln to scream in horror)

Laney: Well Lisa, you're experiment worked perfectly.

Lisa: Indeed, how did you know that Lincoln's yo yo antics would be the key variable to my hypothesis?

Laney: Honsetly, I didn't. Lucky guess I suppose. It helps that you're related to a reckless and crazy brother. (Lincoln runs by)

Lincoln: AAAAH! CLYDE IS MARRYING MY SISTER!

Lisa: I agree.


	19. It's A Loud, Loud, Loud, Loud House

**It's a Loud, Loud, Loud, Loud, House**

[Lincoln is looking around and sneaking about in the living room and leaps onto the sofa]

Lincoln: Money. In the Loud House, there just isn't a lot of it to go around. [searches between the cushions and gets wads of chewed gum on his fingers] Ew! [shakes it off and pulls out a pair of dirty underwear and tosses it] Grody! Which is why, if you happen to find some, even the smallest amount...you gotta keep it to yourself. [finds a quarter] Jackpot! [kisses it]

[Just then, his sisters happen to come across him and his coin]

Lola: We heard money! A dime! No, a quarter!

Lincoln: That's impossible. Money doesn't make a sound.

Luan: Haven't you ever heard the expression Money talks [laughs at rimshot]

Luna: And that quarter is saying, Hand me over, bro!

Lana: It's mine!

Laney: Can't we just share it?

Lucy: We can't share a quarter, Laney.

Laney: Of course we can, we can split it... Um.

Lincoln: No! None of you are getting it! I found it in the couch fair and square!

Lynn: Wait a second! If there was one quarter down there, then maybe there's more!

[The girls, excluding Laney, all then pounce on Lincoln and fight over the quarter and the possibility of more under the sofa while Cliff runs off from the fight. Enter their parents]

Rita: What are they fighting over this time? A nickel under the ottoman?

Laney: Nope. A quarter down the sofa.

Lynn Sr.: *sighs* Why can't they all be more like you, Laney?

Rita: We better stop them before they start biting.

[Lola bites Lincoln]

Lincoln: Ow! Lola!

Lynn Sr.: Too late. [whistles and gets them to stop] ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY GET UPSTAIRS AND CLEAN THE ATTIC! That's punishment for fighting over money!

[The kids all groan and acquiesce]

Luan: That punishment makes no cents. [laughs to rimshot]

Lynn Sr.: Upstairs! [to Rita] But that was a good one.

[By the Attic]

Lynn Sr.: AND I WANT THAT WHOLE ATTIC SPARKLING! EVEN THE BACK CORNER! *Laney tugs her father's shirt*

Laney: Mind if i help them clean?

Lynn Sr.: Well, you didn't do anything wrong but I don't see why not.

Rita: But watch over your sisters, okay.

Laney: I will, mom. *She grabs a feather duster and walks up to the attic*

[Cut to in the attic, Laney enters]

Lola: Well, If it isn't little miss goody goody.

Laney: I just thought you guys could use some assistance.

Lori: That's the thing, you always insist on helping even though you're not the one causing trouble!

Laney: Do you ever think that if you just learn to share, you all wouldn't be up here?

Lori: This is money were talking about, Laney. You can't expect to just split it. If you had money, you wouldn't share a dime!

Laney: That's not true! If I was rich, I'd share with all of you! Because I'm not greedy, unlike some people! *Lori growls*

Lincoln: Hey, guys! Check it out! I found this letter from the original owner! She says she's hidden money in the house!

Lori: [disbelieving] Yeah, right, Lincoln. Quit stalling. You're not getting out of cleaning the attic.

Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, Lola, and Lisa: YEAH!

Lincoln: Fine! I'll just do it by myself , and when I do, it'll be all mine. [steps on and gets hit by the loose floorboard again]

[When Lincoln comes to, he sees that his sisters are gone]

Lincoln: Where'd everybody go?

[in the hall]

Laney: I'll prove I can be generous! I'll find that money and share it with everybody!

Laney marched down through the hallway and sees Lynn searching the laundry chute.

Lynn: *notices Laney* Laney! What do you want?!

Laney: Don't worry Lynn! I'm here to help!

Lynn: How do I know you're not gonna keep that money yourself?

Laney: Because, If do find that money, I'll split it with you! I promise.

Lynn: I don't know...

Lincoln: Lynn, Laney! What are you doing?

Laney: We were just-[Lynn covers Laney's mouth, causing her to drop Lucy down the chute and scream and land with a thud]

Lynn: Putting laundry down the chute.

Lincoln: [suspicious] Laundry doesn't scream and go thud.

Lynn: [threateningly] No, but nosy brothers do.

Lincoln: [backing away scared] Okay. Okay.

Lynn: [opens the chute] SORRY, LUCE!

Lucy: That's okay! I found a new secret dark place!

Laney knew that she had to find the treasure herself. She decided to look outside in the front yard, then she heard something in the crawlspace.

Lori: Gross! What is this?

Leni: Get off my pumps!

Lori: I'm gonna pump your face if you don't move faster!

Leni: Let's just get this over with.

Lori: Ugh! Why didn't Mrs. DeMonet just tell us where the money is?

Laney snuck into the crawlspace entrance and tried to make herself quiet while her two older sisters continued to look around.

Leni: I don't know. Let's ask her. [shines the flashlight on a skeleton]

[They scream in horror]

Lori: [calmly] Wait. That's just a leftover Halloween decoration.

[Enter Lincoln]

Lincoln: Hey! What are you three doing?

Leni: Three? [the two turn aroud to see Laney behind them]

Lori: Uh...we're just dusting! [dusts with Leni's arm]

Leni: Wait. I thought we were looking for the money.

Lincoln: I KNEW IT!

[Everyone has grouped together in the living room]

Lincoln: Okay, you're all looking for the money, aren't you?

Leni: Obviously!

Lynn: Uh, duh!

Luna: Heck, yes, we are!

Luan: Where'd you find your first clue, Sherlock?

Lincoln: I expect this kind of behavior from all you guys. But you too Laney?

Laney: I was only finding that treasure for a non-greedy reason.

Lincoln: You guys didn't even believe the money existed! I'm the one who should get it!

Laney: What!

Lori: Forget that! I'm finding it for myself!

Leni: Not if I find it first!

Luna: Yeah, dream on!

Lana: It's mine!

Laney: Can't we just split the money?

All: NO!

[They all start fighting again and pull Lincoln into the fray. Laney escapes, then the parents appeared]

Rita: Are you alright dear?

Lynn Sr.: [to the kids] Obviously, you haven't learned your lesson. Back to the attic!

As the resume cleaning the attic, Laney was in her room, pondering about what her sisters said.

Laney: [thought] _I know I'm not like all my other sisters. I don't fight, I don't argue, and unlike my sisters, I can learn to share. *sighs* I'm not asking for any of my siblings to be like me. I'm asking for them to be smart about-_ (Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her sisters trashing the hallways trying to find the money. She went outside to see the mayhem happening before her)

Lincoln: Guys, the letter! Remember what Sharon DeMonet said!

Lola: Forget Sharon DeMonet! It's every man for himself!

[Lincoln gives up and decides to join the battle. Lana is waving a dollar in front of Charles]

Lana: Smell the money, boy! [Charles sniffs it] Now go find more! [Charles eats her dollar] Hey! Spit it out, Charles! So help me, I will get that dollar back even if I have to wait for it to come out the other end! [chases after the dog. Laney looks back at her room to see Lucy performing a seance]

Lucy: I summon you from the great beyond...Mrs. Sharon DeMonet! Tell me where your fortune is. Speak to me, oh, spirit. [losing patience] Come on, lady! Just tell me where the dough is!

Lincoln: What did Sharon say?

Lynn: [with a Tennis ball dispenser] SHARON SAID TO GET OUT OF OUR ROOM! [fires Tennis balls at Lincoln]

Laney: This is insane!

Lynn: C'mon Lanes! If you really wanna help, then help us find that money!

Lucy: We'll split it with you.

Laney: Really? ACK! What am I saying? [runs off]

[Luna and Luan are checking every square inch of their room.]

Luan: Hey, look! [pulls out a half-eaten sandwich from her wastebasket] I found the bread! [laughs] And the cheddar, and the lettuce, and the clams. Ew! No wonder someone threw this out

Lincoln: Hey, what-

[Luna busts out one of her amps]

Luna: STAY OUT! THIS IS OUR TURF! [blasts Lincoln with a killer wail]

Laney: Luna, stop!

Luna: Sorry, sis! Every man for himself! [blasts Laney]

Lana: [still chasing Charles into her room] HEY! GET BACK HERE! THAT'S MY DOLLAR!

As Laney watched her sisters and brother turn the house upside down to find the money. She struggles to resolve this chaotic conflict. They messed up the kitchen, the living room, and Lily's room. After that, she saw all of them exiting the room.

Lori: We've literally searched the whole house, and nothing!

Leni: Hello! My floral pump is not nothing.

Luna: Maybe we missed something in the letter!

[The girls all glare at Lincoln who knows where this is going. They all start fighting over the letter and tear it apart]

Lola: Look what you did!

Lana: You're the one who ripped it!

Luna: Dude, how are we gonna find the money now?

Lincoln: We're not.

Laney: What do you mean?

Lana: Why?

Luan: What are you talking about?

Lincoln: 'Cause all we did was fight over it. And this is exactly what Sharon DeMonet warned us about. [his sisters start to look regretful] How about this? From now on, whenever we find money, whether it's a hidden fortune or even this quarter... [takes out the quarter] ...we all share it equally.

Laney: Lincoln, you took the words right out of my mouth. [hugs Lincoln]

Lisa: Okay.

Luan: Sure.

Lori: Sounds good.

Luna: Yeah, I kinda like that.

Lana: I'll even share the dollar I got back from Charles. [shows them the dollar now covered in Charles' feces]

Laney: Eww..

Lincoln: [thoroughly disgusted] Let's not...

[The others agree and Lily comes crawling out from her nap]

Lori: [picks Lily up] Aw...we're sorry, Lily. Did your noisy sisters and brother wake you? [makes cute faces to Lily]

[Something is attached to Lily's butt]

Lynn: Hey. What's that stuck on Lily's bottom?

[Lincoln takes it and unfolds it]

Lincoln: It's...a map! [reads] **"If you're reading this, it means you came together and got to the "bottom" of the matter! Congratulations! You're almost there!"**

[The kids cheer over this discovery]

Lincoln: [suspicious] But wait. How could she have known the map would be on Lily's bottom?

[The others think about that for a brief moment]

Lola: [breaking the silence] Who cares?! Let's find the money!

[They all head out on the search]

[The backyard. The kids come across a big X]

Lincoln: X marks the spot.

Lisa: [excited] Ooh! I love solving for X!

[Lincoln grabs a sandbox shovel and starts digging]

Sisters: [chanting] DIG! DIG! DIG! DIG!

Lucy: I've got some experience digging holes. [joins Lincoln in digging]

Sisters: DIG! DIG! DIG! DIG!

Laney: Allow me to assist! [starts to dig with Lincoln and Lucy]

Luan: Digging is fun for the hole family! [laughs] Get it?

Sisters: DIG! DIG! DIG! DIG!

Lana: Okay, everyone. Stand back. Luna? A little digging music?

Luna: You got it, sis! [starts strumming her acoustic guitar]

[Lana digs like Charles and finds the briefcase, much to her sisters' amazement]

Lincoln: [takes it but notices...] It's locked!

Leni: I got this. [takes the briefcase, pulls out her barrette, and picks the lock open with it, stunning her sisters] What? There's more to my head than just air, you know.

[Lincoln opens the briefcase and everyone gasps to discover that the money is real!]

Lola: [checks the total] Five...hundred...DOLLARS!

[The kids gasp again]

Lincoln: So, if we share it equally, that means we each get, uh...

Lisa: $45.4545455 each.

So they all celebrated their achievement, everyone except Laney couldn't help but go crazy about all the money they now have. And Laney was just leaning on a tree and smiling at this display.

Laney: [thoughts] _Money, There just isn't a lot of it in the Loud House. And even though that not everyone has good intentions like me, I know that my siblings will know how to share from now on._


	20. House Music

**House Music**

Lincoln: Guys! We gotta figure out something! The Family Fun Fair is tonight, and we've got nothing for the talent show.

Lynn: [raises her hand] I know! How about a family trapeze act?

Lisa: Just because you fractured every bone from your maxilla to your metatarsals doesn't mean we want to.

Lola: I know! How about a family beauty pageant? [beat] Never mind. That would take years to prepare for. [Laney raises her hand]

Lincoln: Yes, Laney?

Laney: Maybe we shoud do an art show. I'd like to see what you guys are gonna make.

Lucy: Good idea. I can finally show this off. [holds out a painting of a dead bird rising out of the grave] I call it: "Opression". [everyone was disturbed by Lucy's piece]

Lincoln: Okay... Anyone else?

Lana: I say we wrestle alligators! [lunges at Lincoln and pins him down]

Lincoln: [gets her off] Lana, that's a terrible idea!

Lana: You're right... [gets out a lasso] Calf roping is much better! [lassos and hogties Lincoln]

Lincoln: We need something we can all do.

Lynn: Then let's do my idea!

Luan: No! My idea!

Leni: No! Mine!

Lori:No way.

[Lily, Lisa, Lola, Lana, Lucy, Lynn, Luan, Leni, and Lori start fighting over which act they should do and Luna stops them with a power chord]

Luna: I've got the answer! Let's start a family band!

Lori: But we literally have no musical talent.

Luan: Yeah. I couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle. [laughs to rimshot]

Laney: And I never tried a musical instrument berfore.

Luna: As my idol Mick Swagger says, "Rock and roll isn't about being the best. It's about having fun." NOW WHO WANTS TO HAVE FUN?!

[Her sisters cheer in agreement and they head on off, but Lincoln is still hogtied to the floor]

Lincoln: Uh...guys? A little help?

Laney: I got it. [walks up to her brother and unties him]

Every sibling gathered in the garage and practiced their music. And as expected, sounds lousy and noisy. Except for Laney of course who played a saxophone well, but it's kinda hard to hear with all the racket playing in the background.

[Lynn Sr. comes in with a rake.]

Lynn Sr.: [feeling tormented] AGH! WHAT IS THAT HORRIFIC SOUND!? Is the cat fighting the possum again?

Lincoln: No, Dad! It's us. We're starting a family band!

Lynn Sr.: Oh oh! You know, your old man used to be in a band. Although, it ended on a...on a sour note.

[Flashback to their father's college days where he's part of a heavy metal band and playing a cowbell which does not fit the genre]

Band Members: [over his cowbell] Dude! Dude! DUDE! You're out of the band.

[Lynn Sr. breaks down crying and leaves the dorm. End flashback and he's still upset over those days.]

Loud Kids: [sympathetic] Aww...

Laney: Well, you can join our band, dad.

[The kids encourage their father to join them]

Lynn Sr.: Well...if you all insist. [rips off his shirt and reveals his old band uniform underneath] KA-POW! [starts playing his cowbell while getting jiggy with it as his kids stare at him awkwardly] WOO! HA HA!

Laney: I think I know why dad's band kicked him out...

Lisa: I sincerely hope that's not contagious.

Luna: [with a score sheet] All right, dudes, let's try busting out this jam. It's called Plastic Bag Blown Through The Gutter Of Life. Lyrics by Lucy... [Lucy takes a bow] ...music by yours truly. One, two! One, two, three, four!

[They all start practicing and Charles howls]

Luna: Dudes! Charles wants to sing lead! [brings the dog in to howl as the lead singer and suddenly gets a call from her roadie Chunk] Yo, Chunk! ... What's that? I can't hear you! Hold on a sec! [puts Charles down and turns to her siblings] You guys! Keep practicing! And remember, it's not about being the best, it's all about having fun! [heads out to hear Chunk's news]

Chunk: 'Oy! Have you heard, mate? Mick Swagger's in town! He's gonna be scoutin' for local talent at the Family Fun Fair!

Luna: [speechless] Mick...in town? This could be my big break, man!

[Luna suddenly has a fantasy]

Mick Swagger: And now, I'd like to introduce the greatest musical discovery of my 40 year career: LUNA LOUD!

[Luna starts rocking out as the crowd cheers for her.]

Crowd: LUNA! LUNA! LUNA!

[End fantasy.]

Chunk: Luna!

Luna: [snaps out of it] Thanks for the call, brah. I've got work to do. [hangs up and turns to her family not exactly worthy of Mick] A lot of work. [to her family] Okay, people, from the top! This time, let's try to step it up a notch!

Leni: [raises her hand] Um...I...I don't have an instrument. What should I play?

Luna: Hm...why don't you sing backup?

[Leni eagerly nods]

Luna: Alright, Louds! One, two, three!

[The family starts playing]

Leni: [singing] Backup backup backup~!

Luna: No no no no. Leni, you don't actually sing the words "Backup". You sing what's on the page.

Leni: Oh. Got it! [singing] What's on the page! What's on the page! What's on the pa-haaaaaage~!

[Lynn Sr. is still doing his thing with his cowbell]

Luna: Uh...rockin', Dad. Could you just dial it back a bit?

[Lynn tries blowing into her tuba to no avail]

Lynn: [frustrated] Can't get this tuba to work.

[Luna shakes it and blows into it to reveal that Geo got stuck in there. The little hamster lands in Lucy's pipe organ]

Luna: GEO! [presses down on organ keys and gets Geo out]

[Geo's hamster ball bonks Lori on the head. She drops her music sheet and Luan plays her whoopee cushion as the oldest sister bends over to pick it up]

Luan: Nice tootin', sis!

Luna: Guys, can we focus, please? We need to- [notices her Dad still jamming] Dad! Dad! [turns to Lincoln on cello] That's it, bro! You got it! [turns to Laney on saxophone] Smooth sounds, Lanes! [turns to her father] Dad!

[Lincoln puts on some cool shades and accidentally twirls his cello so hard it spins out of control]

Lincoln: Oops!

[The cello plows over Lana's paint cans for drums which roll off and carry Lisa, Lola, and Lynn around and they collide into the rest of the kids, leaving them in a pile. Luna gets out and growls in frustration]

Luna: [irked] Dudes...this is the worst rehearsal I've ever seen!

Lincoln: But...you said it didn't matter if we were good.

Luna: Forget about what I said, bro. Mick Swagger's gonna be at the show.

Lynn Sr.: Mick Swagger?! Sweet!

Luna: No! It's not sweet! This is my chance to be discovered, and you guys ARE MESSING IT UP!

[Lynn Sr. is still jamming]

Luna: [exasperated] Dad. Dad! DAD! [fails to get his attention] That's it...you...ARE OUT OF THE BAND!

[The words "out of the band" echo through and the kids gasp. Lynn Sr. drops his cowbell and leaves in sorrow. Luna's siblings look at her in disdain.]

Luna: [hostilely] What?

Lori: You literally just fired your own dad!

Laney: You can't do that!

Luna: I'm not gonna let Captain Cowbell ruin my big chance! [picking up the music sheets] Now let's get back to work. We're gonna be here all day. So, if you guys have plans, cancel them. If you gotta pee, hold it. We really have to nail this!

Lincoln: What?! No way!

[The other girls chastise Luna for her behavior]

Luna: You're all out of my band!

Lincoln: No! You're out of our band! [a music sheet falls on his face, which he quickly swats off] 'Cause we're gonna play without you and we're gonna have fun!

Lana: Yeah! And we'll pee whenever we want to!

Luna: Fine by me. You're all holding me back, anyway. And when I'm on tour with Mick, don't call me for tickets!

Laney: Luna wait!

[bends over to grab her axe only to be met with Luan making another whoopee cushion gesture and growls at her pranky roommate and storms off]

As Luna stormed off, Laney felt bad for her rockstar sister. The fact that her idol is gonna be at the talent show really got her fired up. She went up to Luna's room to talk with her.

[Luna and Luan's room]

Luna: Who needs them anyway? Not me. All I need...is a new tune. [starts playing and singing softly] They don't understaaaaaaaaand... / Girl's gotta have a baaaaaaaand... [dislikes it and switches to a more hardcore style] Time for me to go solo / You know what they say: YOLO [realizes what she just sang] UGH! Come on, Luna! What are you thinking? This is for Mick! You just used the word YOLO! [Instead of her guitar, Luna tries using a keyboard to play a new tune] Nah. Too pop-y. [plays lower keys] Nah. Too depressing. [plays a soothing tune] Nah. Too 90's! GAH! [She hears her siblings having a good time playing in their band. She closes the window and curtains in sadness] I stink and I can't write a single song / Wow, there's a big crack in the ceiling. [hears a knock at the door] I'm busy!

Laney: [opens the door] Luna?

Luna: What do you want?

Laney: I'm sorry if our rehearsal was a disaster. And I was hoping you would come to the show with us, not to play of course, but just to watch.

Luna: Forget it. I'm goin' nowhere with you guys.

Laney: You're just saying that because your favorite musician's gonna be at the talent show. The whole reason you had this idea is so that we can just have fun and not be the best band in the world. I mean, isn't that what Mick said? [Luna paused for a moment]

Luna: Ugh, I need a change of scenery. [leaves, Laney sighs]

Later, at the family fun fair...

Rita: [excited] Ooh! Look at my little rock stars!

Lucy: My real genre is death metal.

Rita: SO CUTE!

(Laney was tuning her saxophone, feeling blue)

Lincoln: Hey, Laney. Either something's bugging you, or you're playing the blues.

Laney: *sighs* I'm just wondering about-

Lori: Luna? Forget her, she doesn't care about our music.

Laney: But only if she knew that it's not about the music, but the music you play with the ones you love. *sighs* If only she'd knew...

Luna: That would make some killer lyrics!

Laney: Luna! [runs up to hug Luna, but the rest of her siblings are not happy for her]

Lincoln: What about impressing Mick? We don't wanna 'hold you back'.

Luna: I'm sorry about all that stuff I said. I acted like a real bonehead today. I forgot the one rule of rock and roll. It doesn't matter if I don't play my best for Mick. All that matters is having fun. And the only time I have fun is doing it with you guys. So, what do you say? Will you take me back?

[A moment of silence]

Lincoln: [elated] Heck yeah! It wouldn't be a family band without you!

Luan: Grab some sheet music!

[As Luna does as her roommate says, Luan plays the whoopee cushion on cue once again. They all laugh at that gesture.]

Luna: Wait. It's not a family band yet. Where's Dad?

Rita: The place he always goes when he's sad: the Whirl-n'-Twirl.

[Luna hurries over to the Whirl-n'-Twirl and finds her father there still lamenting over getting kicked out of the band]

Luna: DAD, I'M SORRY! [waits for him to pass around again given the ride's motions] PLEASE COME BACK TO THE BAND! [waits for another lap] IT WON'T BE FUN... [waits again] ...WITHOUT YOU!

Lynn Sr.: [passing] YOU MEAN IT?!

Luna: [on his next lap] YES!

Lynn Sr. OPERATOR, STOP THIS RIDE!

[The operator does so and that causes Lynn Sr. to launch out and land with a thud]

Lynn Sr.: Apology accepted! [tears open his band member uniform and starts jamming once again] THE BELL IS BACK!

Luna: Mom...we're gonna need you, too! [holds out a tambourine]

Rita: Oh, honey. I don't know how to play.

Lincoln: That's okay. Neither do we.

Luna: But we're gonna have fun!

Laney: Liked we planned to!

[Rita grabs the tambourine and starts dancing to the beat with her husband as they bump their rumps together]

Lisa: [somewhat frightened] Heaven help us...it is contagious.

[The family is now performing on stage with Luna as lead singer]

Luna: Plastic bag blowing in the gutter / Lost and alone like toast without butter!

Leni: [walking backwards] Hey, guys! I'm a backup dancer! [carelessly falls off the stage]

Lincoln: Luna! Take a solo!

Luna: Nah. This is family band, dude!

Lincoln: Yeah, but you're the only one who can actually play!

Laney: Not the only one! [Does a saxophone solo]

Luna: Wicked jazz, Lanes! [rocks on] Dad! Cowbell Solo!

Lynn Sr.: Seriously?! I knew this day would come! Okay, here we go! [performs his solo]

[The song's over and the crowd loved the Loud's perform. The stranger from the diner is there to see Luna.]

Stranger: Hey, mate! You guys looked like you were having out there!

Luna: We were.

Stranger: And you two were brilliant. You've got real talent.

Laney: Thank you, stranger.

Luna: And thanks for that little talk back at the restaurant. It really helped straighten me out. I was being horrible to my family to impress a guy who didn't even show up.

Stranger: Oh, I wouldn't say that. [reveals himself to be Mick Swagger]

Luna: [stammering with awe] Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh...

Lynn Sr.: Hey, honey. Got us funnel cakes. Who's this?

[Mick reveals his face again]

Mick: The name's Mick Swagger, mate! And you were great, too! I love that passion on the cowbell!

Luna & Lynn Sr.: [stammering] Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh...

Laney: So, you're Mick Swagger.

Mick: Nice family you got here, love. I'm sure you'll stay close to them. [places his hand on her head]

Laney: I will. [Mick heads off]

Mick: [noticing the funnel cakes] Are you gonna finish those? [takes them] Cheers, mate! [leaves]

[Luna and her father continue stammering and suddenly faint in shock. Laney smiles]


	21. One of the Boys

**One of the Boys**

[Lola is having a tea party on the driveway. Lincoln is looking at food in the refrigerator]

Lincoln: Okay, let's see what we got. [he begins rummages through the fridge] Kale...tofu.."quin-o-ah"?

Clyde: I think it's called quinoa.

[Lincoln tastes the quinoa and immediately spits it up]

Lincoln: I'd call it quin-blah! All this rabbit food can only mean one thing: Lori's on another health food kick.

[Clyde sighs and thinks about Lori wearing a bikini and walking on the beach]

Clyde: No wonder her skin glows like a Caribbean sunset...

Lincoln: Are you picturing her on the beach again?!

Clyde: Uh, no! [pops his thought bubble and grins sheepishly]

[Lincoln finds a jar of peanut butter in the back of the fridge]

Lincoln: Ooh, peanut butter! Now we're talkin'! [He scoops up the peanut butter with his fingers and messily eats it]

[Lola enters the kitchen to put her tea party cups away and notices Lincoln eating the peanut butter]

Lola: Ewww, Lincoln! Have a little class! [She exits the kitchen, disgusted.]

[Luan enters the kitchen with her dummy Mr. Coconuts performing a ventriloquist act]

Luan: [Speaking as Mr. Coconuts] That's all for sports, and now the weather.

[Lincoln belches as she's talking]

Luan: [Still speaking as Mr. Coconuts] It's cloudy with a chance of... [she speaks as herself now] You're disgusting.

[Luan exits the room]

Lincoln: [sighs] My whole life is like this.

Clyde: What are you talking about, Lincoln?! You got it made; one guy surrounded by ten awesome sisters!

Lincoln: Oh, Clyde. Sweet, innocent Clyde.

When it comes to being in a big family, it's complicated to get your way from waiting in line for the bathroom...

[The line moves slowly as Lincoln gets more and more impatient. It is now Lincoln's turn to use the bathroom]

Lincoln: Finally! [he enters the bathroom, but quickly runs out] Gah! Forgot my loofah!

[Lincoln returns to the bathroom only to see another long line has already formed since he left]

Lincoln: Dang it!

Going out with a girl...

Lincoln: [calling out] Mom! I'm off to see Ronnie Anne!

[His sisters ambush him after hearing he's going to see Ronnie Anne]

Sisters: You're meeting Ronnie Anne?!

[They all crowd him and talk over each other, telling him what he should do before meeting her]

Lana: In that shirt?!

Lynn: Ho ho! You call that posture?!

Leni: And what about your hair?!

Lori: Are you wearing clean underwear?

Laney: Give him some space!

To deciding where to go...

[The third flashback plays; the kids are having a sibling meeting in Lori and Leni's room]

Lori: Okay people, I'm accepting ideas on how we should spend the day.

Lincoln: [raising his hand] Ooh, ooh! We could go to DairyLand!

Sisters: [all make a buzzer noise and give him a thumbs down]

Lincoln: Okay... How 'bout Gus' Games and Grub!

[his sisters do the same thing as before and make a buzzer noise and give him a thumbs down]

Lincoln: How about-

[the girls do the exact same thing a third time before he could suggest somewhere else]

Lori: I know some place we'd all like!

[the scene then cuts to all the sisters having a good time at the mall while Lincoln sits on a bench - alone and angry, Laney walks by with two ice cram cones and gives one to Lincoln. He accepts it, though he's still angry]

Even the smallest cramp can trigger his meddling sisters.

[The fourth and final flashback begins, in this one Lincoln is sitting on his bed, playing a handheld video game]

Lincoln: Ow, ow, ow! Thumb cramp!

[his sisters all barge into his room]

Sisters: Awwww, poor Linky!

Lori: Oh, here's Bun-Bun! [she offers him his stuffed rabbit]

Leni: [holding Lily] Let Lily kiss your boo-boo better!

Laney: You're not bleeding, are you?

Lola and Lana: [unrolling bandages] Gauze! Stat!

Lisa: [She runs into the room with an AED] Clear!

[She shocks Lincoln as the camera pans out of his room and his scream can be heard. The scene returns where Clyde and Lincoln are together in the kitchen]

Clyde: Hm, I see your point

Lincoln: I tell you, Clyde, sometimes I wish I had ten brothers. [he continues eating the peanut butter as he was before]

[Lisa enters the kitchen and snatches the peanut butter away from him]

Lisa: And I wish you would not eat our communal peanut butter with your booger-picking finger!

Lincoln: See what I mean?

Lisa: [in contemplation] Hmmm...

As Lisa pondered about Lincoln's idea. Laney couldn't help but overhear the whole conversation. Later that night in Lincoln's room. The boy was sleeping until he was awakened by a knock at the door.

Lincoln: Wha? [The door opens, revealing Laney] Laney? Did you have a nightmare again?

Laney: No, it's not that. It's just that I can't help but hear you saying about us.

Lincoln: Okay, when are you going to stop eavesdropping?

Laney: I wasn't eavesdropping. I was by the dining room when you said that.

Lincoln: Oh. Well, don't worry. I didn't say anything about you. You're like the least sister in this family that causes trouble for me. But still I...

Laney: Hey, I know that we tend to meddle sometimes. But only beacuse we care about you. You're the only brother we got, and we wouldn't want anything to happen to you.

Lincoln: *sighs* Thanks, Laney. Now if you don't mind...

Laney: Oh, sorry. Goodnight Lincoln. Goodnight Lisa. [closes door]

Lincoln: Lisa? What is she- [turns to see Lisa on his bed. He yelps at her sudden presence and grabs the light chain, turning on the light]

Lisa: Now, before Laney's sentimental moment. I've been pondering your wish from earlier.

Lincoln: My wish?

Lisa: Yes. I think I can help you out. [pulls out some kind of wristwatch] This wristwatch can transport you to an alternate dimension in which you'll have ten brothers.

Lincoln [sarcastic] Riiiiiight... [gets down from chain] Lisa, I think you've been playing with too many kiddie chemicals.

[Lisa presses the button on the watch and a portal opens up]

Lincoln: [surprised] Holy moly! Awesome! [proceeds to enter it, but stops] Wait. Why are you doing this for me?

Lisa: I need beta testers. Now, are we doing this, or am I sending Lana to a dimension where she's a toad?

Lincoln: Oh, we're doing it!

Lisa: One word of caution: you only have 24 hours to return home. Otherwise, you'll be stuck there forever.

Lincoln: Got it! [grabs the watch and puts it on] Let's do this!

[A timer starts ticking down from the 24 hour limit]

Lisa: Good luck. I gotta go break the bad news to Lana.

[Lisa pushes Lincoln into the vortex as he screams]

[Lincoln comes out on the other end of the portal and it closes. Everything looks the same]

Lincoln: Hmm...this doesn't look like a different dimension.

Then out from a room came male counterparts of Lincoln's sisters. There was Loki, a male Lori.

Loki: That is literally LOL! Hurry up, Loni! Time to go!

Loni, a male Leni.

Loni: Ooh! Whoa. Loki, who moved the doorway?

Luke, the male Luna.

Luke: I'm ready, brah! [strums his guitar; in a British accent] Let's rock!

Lane, a male Luan.

[Enter a male version of Luan and a female version of Mr. Coconuts]

Lane: [speaking as his dummy] I wooden miss it! [speaking as himself now and giggling] Good one, Mrs. Coconuts!

A male Lynn, the name stood the same.

Boy Lynn: [carrying a football] 62! Hut!

Followed by Lars, a male Lucy.

Lars: Sigh. [closes door]

Then there was Lexx and Leif, male versions of Lola and Lana.

[Enter a male version of Lana with a frog as a horn blares at him]

Leif: Quit honking, Lexx, or you'll get a frog down your pants!

[Lexx, the male version of Lola, is driving what looks like Lola's car only stylized as a military jeep with an angry face painted on it]

Lexx: Touch me, and I'm telling! [honks] MOM!

[The male twins start fighting. Enter a male version of Lisa]

Then there was Levi, Lisa's male counterpart.

Levi: Can you Cro-Magnons diminish the cacophony so our youngest sibling can suspend consciousness?

The baby crying in the room was Leon, a male baby Lily.

Twins: Speak English, Levi!

Levi: Shut your pie-holes so Leon can nap!

[Lincoln, still bewildered, looks at the watch and realizes that it worked]

Lincoln: Holy moly!

[The remaining brothers head downstairs]

Loki: Larry! Get down here or were leaving without you!

Larry: *from upstairs* Coming!

Then coming down the stairs was Laney's male counterpart, Larry. He looks like Laney only with a black t-shirt and blue shorts instead of a skirt.

Larry: Leif! Lexx! You two break it up!

Levi: Will you be joining us, Lincoln?

Lincoln: [disgusted] Ugh. Where are we going? The mall?

[All scoff and laugh]

Boy Lynn: Yeah, right.

Loki: You're literally hilarious, Lincoln! We're going to Dairyland. It was your idea.

Lincoln: Sweet! My sisters would never all wanna go to Dairyland!

Loni: [walks into the front doorway; confused] Sisters?

Lincoln: Uh...you know, the nuns. They hate amusement parks. [laughs nervously and follows the rest of his brothers to the van]

[Loni shrugs and closes the door on his way out. Later,The van drives across Royal Woods while the boys are cheering]

Loki: Yes! Dairyland was awesome!

Lane: Great idea, Lincoln.

Luke: Yeah, way to go, bro.

Brothers: You're the man, Lincoln!

Lincoln [belches] Whoops. Sorry.

Boy Lynn: You should be sorry, 'cause that was weak! [makes a bigger belch]

Leif: Ha. That was nothing. Check this. [farts with armpit]

Loki: Oh, yeah? Well, nothing beats the real thing. [farts for real]

[They all laugh as Larry plugs his nose]

Larry: Aw, come on, guys!

Lane: What are you, a girl? [Larry farts]

Larry: Does that answer your question?

[They laugh as they enter Gus' Games and Grub]

Loki: Chow time, boys.

Lincoln: Gus's Games N' Grub? No way! [rushes inside]

Larry: Well yeah, you wanted to go here too!

[Five pizzas are put on their table]

Loki: Five pies for eleven guys!

Lane: I sure hope Mom and Dad gave us enough dough! [laughs] Get it?

[Lincoln picks up a slice, but realizes what he's touching it with]

Lincoln: [bummed] Sorry, I'm touching the pizza with my booger-picking finger.

Larry: What's wrong with booger fingers?

Leif: You use your finger for your booger picking? I use my thumb! [puts thumb in nostril]

[The boys all tell Lincoln what they pick their boogers with, each with a different part of their hands...or their feet, which makes him happy. Later, they arrive home where this dimension's Rita, wearing Lynn Sr.'s clothes, is taking out the trash with Leon]

Alt. Rita: There's my army. How was Dairyland?

Loki: [kisses his mom] It was awesome!

Boy Lynn: [kisses her] Hi, Mom!

Leif: [kisses her and belches] Bye, Mom!

[The boys head inside while this dimension's Lynn Sr., wearing Rita's clothes, is getting out the second garbage can]

Alt. Lynn Sr.: Hey, boys!

Larry: PILE ON DAD!

[Lynn Sr. screams and is pounced by Leif with his sons joining in on the fun]

Levi: We got you!

Lars: Say uncle.

Loni: I thought he was our dad.

Alt. Lynn Sr. [begging for mercy] UNCLE!

[The boys cheer and run off]

Alt. Lynn Sr.: [groaning in pain] Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have daughters.

[Lincoln looks at how much time is left]

Lincoln: Only 12 more hours. I wish this didn't have to end. [inspired] Wait. Why does it have to? What if I didn't go back? [runs upstairs where his brothers are playing Hockey in the hallway and tosses the wristwatch in the wastebasket] Guys, guess what? I'm staying!

[The boys look on puzzled]

Loki: Okay.

Luke: Whatever.

[Male Lynn belches]

Lincoln: Hang on, bros! Let me grab my Hockey stick!

[He runs into where his room would but crashes into a shelf where it's revealed that in this dimension, the linen closet is still a linen closet]

Lincoln: Uh, hey... [sees them charging and gets out of the way]

Lynn! Heh...where's my room?

Boy Lynn: Right where it always is, weirdo.

[It turns out Lincoln bunks with Male Lynn and Lars. He shares a bunk bed with Male Lynn, Larry, and Lars sleeps in a vampire coffin]

Lincoln: Four of us live in here?

[Lars rises from out of his coffin]

Boy Lynn: Where else would we sleep? The linen closet? [laughs]

Lincoln: [checking his top bunk] Hey, where's Bun-Bun?

Larry: Luke flushed him.

Boy Lynn: Lars gave him a very dignified funeral

Lars: Thank you.

Lincoln: [devastated] Not Bun-Bun!

Larry: Don't worry bro. You can have my papa pig. [Hands Lincoln a stuffed pig]

Lincoln: Umm. Thanks?

Boy Lynn: Well... [yawns] ...night, bro. [roughly punches Lincoln's arm]

Lincoln: [rubbing his arm] Ow!

[That night, as Lincoln tries to get some sleep, a swarm of bats comes out of his pillow and he screams]

Lars: Oh. There's my bat colony.

[The next morning, Lincoln wakes up to find Lars's bat colony over his head and screams and falls to the floor]

Boy Lynn: One for waking me. [punches Lincoln right into Lars's coffin]

Lincoln: Ow.

Lars: [rises out of coffin] And one for scratching my coffin. [punches Lincoln]

Larry: Guys! Quit it!

Lincoln: [notices something] No line for the bathroom? Sweet! [rushes in]

[The bathroom is a total and complete mess, making Lincoln scream in horror]

Luke: [yawning] What's your damage, bro? You woke me up.

Lincoln: Look! The bathroom is disgusting!

Luke: You're right, bro. We can't live like this. Let's go clean it! We'll start with the toilet! [grabs Lincoln]

Lincoln: Huh? Hey hey hey!

[The door closes]

Luke: Swirly time, dude!

[Lincoln screams at the swirly he's given and comes out with his brother's laughing at his expense.]

Lane: How's it goin', Stinkoln?

[Lincoln then trips over and hurts his thumb]

Lincoln: Ow!

Loni: Aw, you're fine. Shake it off.

[Leon crawls up to Lincoln]

Lincoln: Leon? You wanna kiss my boo-boo and make it better? [Leon bites Lincoln's thumb] OW!

Loki: Kiss your boo-boo?

[As the boys continue to laugh, Larry runs in and stands in for Lincoln]

Larry: Leave him alone, guys! He's already hurt as it is!

[as the brothers leave, Larry comforts Lincoln]

Larry: I'm sorry about that. Are you ok, bro?

Lincoln: Yeah. Wait, why weren't you laughing like the other brothers?

Larry: You know I'm not like the other brothers. I'm there for you when you're down! Because that's what brothers are supposed to do.

Lincoln: [smiles] Wow, thanks Larry.

Larry: Ok, later. [Larry walks downstairs]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Guess, Laney's still the same either gender.

[Lincoln is topless]

Lincoln: Does nobody do laundry?

Boy Lynn: [picking his nose with his big toe] Oh, yeah! Got a winner!

[Lincoln walks towards the couch where all the brothers watch TV. He spots the twins wearing his shirts]

Lincoln: Uh, why are you guys wearing my shirts?

Leif: Duh, 'cause ours were dirty.

Larry: [was reading a book] Usually, that's my job. But, I keep forgetting.

Lincoln: Well, now I don't have any clean ones, and I'm supposed to hang out with Ronnie Anne!

Loki: [condescendingly] Ooh, the prince needs a clean shirt when he sees his princess!

Brothers (excluding Larry): Ooooooooooh! [laugh]

Larry: Guys! Cut it out!

Lane: You know, if you wear your pants higher, you won't need a SHIRT! [Gives Lincoln an an inverse wedgie and laughs]

Larry: Lane! That's enough!

Lane: Oh, come on Lar. I'm just playin'.

Larry: Don't call me Lar.

Loki: I'm sure he didn't mean it. Lar! [Laughs. Larry growls]

Lincoln: Ah, come on! I just combed my hair.

Brothers (Excluding Larry): [taunting] OOOOOOOHHH!

Leif: PILE ON ROMEO!

[Lincoln screams as his brothers minus Leon and Larry pile on top of him]

Larry: Lincoln! [Tries to pull Lincoln out of the pile but gets pulled in]

Loki: Guys, Dutch oven, Loud House style!

[They all fart on Lincoln and Larry]

Luke: Say uncle!

Lincoln: Uncle!

Larry: Alright! That's enough! [They all get off Lincoln] You guys should know better than pick on Lincoln!

Luke: Oy! That's so you to choose his side, Lar!

Larry: STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Loki: Relax, Lar! We were just playing, Lar! [They all laugh as Larry gets infuriated]

Larry: THAT'S IT! YOU WANT SOME!

Loki: Bring it on little man! [Larry attacks Loki causing a fight. The rest of the brothers, excluding Lincoln cheered on]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Remember what I said about staying here forever? Yeah. That's not happening. [sees that he only has 5 minutes before it's too late] Phew. I still have five minutes to get back. [checks the wastebasket he through the watch in but can't find it] Where is it?

Lexx: Whoa! Check out this sweet watch! [holds the dimensional wristwatch]

Lincoln: Hey, that's mine!

Lexx: Finders, keepers, loser! [runs off with it]

Lincoln: No! I need that! [chases after Lexx and falls down the stairs]

[Lexx tosses it to Luke]

Loni: [laughing] Keep away with Uncle Lincoln's watch!

Luke: Oops! [tosses it to Loni]

Larry: Give it to me! Give it to me! [Loni pushes him, and tosses the watch]

Lincoln: You guys, this is serious! [sees this dimension of his Dad and gets an idea] PILE ON DAD!

[Their dad runs away screaming and the boys, minus Larry, run off to pile on him. Lincoln manages to grab his watch as they charge off]

Alt. Lynn Sr.: UNCLE UNCLE UNCLE!

Larry: Thanks, Lincoln!

Lincoln: You're welcome, bro. Gotta go! [runs upstairs]

Larry: Where? Your room? [follows him]

[There are only a few seconds left]

Lincoln: Phew. Just in time.

Boy Lynn: Hey, Stinkoln, I almost forgot something. [pantses Lincoln and runs off laughing]

[Lincoln sighs, activates the portal, and jumps in screaming]

[Lincoln makes it through the portal and ends up back in his linen closet room. But...]

Lincoln?: "My room!" [sees a familiar friend] "Bun-Bun!" [grabs Bun-Bun and cuddles him] "It worked!"

[The lights turn on and reveals his brothers are still here]

Loki: Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?

Lincoln? AAAHH! It didn't work!

Luke: You want some water?

Lexx: How about warm milk?

Larry: Are you hurt?

Lincoln?: Wait. Why are they being nice to me?

Loni: Aw. Want us to stay until you fall asleep, Linka?

Lincoln?: [confused] Linka?

He looked around his room and noticed things weren't the same. It was pink, frilly, and girly. Then he looked down and discovered in horror that he wasn't Lincoln Loud anymore. Or should I say, she!

Linka: "I'M IN THE WRONG DIMENSION!"

[Linka screams and then it immediately changes back to Lincoln. It turns out Lincoln was having a nightmare. His room is the same as it was and he's still Lincoln Loud]

Lincoln: "Oh, thank goodness. It was all just a nightmare."

[His sisters barge in having been alarmed of his scream]

Lori: [concerned] We heard you scream! Are you okay? Here's Bun-Bun, Linky.

[His sisters comfort him after his fright]

Leni: Lily will kiss it and make it all better.

Lincoln: Thanks, guys. You're the best.

[Lily kisses her brother]

Lincoln: It's good to be home. I'll never complain about having sisters again.

[As they embrace for a tender moment, the girls realize what he just said]

Lola: Wait. What?

Lincoln: I mean, you know, the nuns.

[Leni notices and picks up a wristwatch]

Leni: Lincoln, is this yours? It fell on the floor.

[Lincoln screams, tosses it on the floor, and stomps it into pieces]

Lori: [livid] That was literally mine! You are so gonna pay!

Lincoln: [fearing] Please don't stick my head down the toilet!

Lori: What? I meant with money.

Lincoln: Oh, of course. That's more than fair.

Lola: [scoffs] Breaking Lori's watch? You sir, have no class!

[The sisters all go back to bed, except for Laney who hugged Lincoln]

Lincoln: I guess you're right, Lanes. I'm glad to have you guys looking out for me.

Laney: And I'm glad I only have one brother. I mean, can you imagine having brothers instead of sisters?

Lincoln: Well, a picture is starting to form...

Laney: Well, goodnight. [goes back to bed]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] I'm so glad my sisters are nothing like my brothers.

[Lynn comes back in]

Lynn: Hey, Lincoln, I almost forgot something. [pantses him and runs off laughing]

Lincoln: [annoyed] Except for Lynn.


	22. A Tattler's Tale

**A Tattler's Tale**

It was a quiet night in the Loud House. Lincoln and his sisters were gathered in Lori and Leni's room, in a middle of a meeting where they share the awful things they did.

Lincoln: So then, bam! My remote control plane smashed right into Dad's disco ball, and it broke into a million pieces!

Lynn: [gasps] Oh no! [ducks as Lana whacks Leni with a pillow, knocking her off the bed] The one he got from winning the Royal Woods "Dance Your Pants Off" contest?! He's so proud of that thing!

Lincoln: I know. If he ever finds out, I'll be as dead as disco!

Lori: Don't worry, you're not the only one hiding something from Dad.

Luna, Lisa, Lynn, Lana and Lily: Oooooooooh!

Lori: I accidentally scratched the car with my rhinestone purse!

[Flashback. Lori is seen driving up to a parking space, and turns the car off. When she opens the door, she accidentally dents the car next to her. Realizing this, she tries to inch herself away, unknowingly leaving jagged scratches on the side of the van with her purse. End flashback]

Luna : You think that's bad? Remember the blackout last week?

[Flashback. Luna sets the volume on her speakers to "Super Max" and strums her guitar once, causing a citywide blackout. End flashback]

Lucy: I rather enjoy the darkness. Speaking of which, does anyone know how to get black paint out of lace? I painted Mom's wedding dress for my dark betrothal to Edwin.

[Flashback. Lucy is seen descending the basement stairs wearing Mom's wedding dress, completely black. In the basement are a bunch of dolls looking towards Edwin, Lucy's vampire bust. End flashback]

Lori: Anyone else? [Laney raises her hand] Yes, Laney?

Laney: Ok. Now, most of you were wondering how I got this scar. [takes off her scarf, revealing her scar, the sisters mutter in agreement] Well, it's time you finally knew. [clears throat] It all started a year ago, mom and dad were away and I decided to do a spinning plates act in the kitchen, because you all remember I was going through a circus phase. [everyone nods in agreement]

[Flashback. Laney was spinning plates in the kitchen, she balanced four sticks on her arms and one on her nose]

Laney: So anyway, I tried to keep my balance. Until I tripped... [Laney falls dropping the plates and they broke] And then as the plates break, one of the shards flew into my neck and sliced through it! [a piece of broken plate flies into Laney's neck, making a small cut] I tried hold in my cries of pain. [Laney ran into her room and scoured into her chest, until she found a red scarf] I had also tried to hide my wound. [Laney wraps the scarf around her neck, Flashback ends] And I've been wearing this scarf ever since.

Siblings: Oooooh.

Leni: So that's what happened to Mom's special china.

Laney: What! Oh my goodness, I didn't know!

Lincoln: [to the viewers] What can I say? We're not angels. Not even Laney, to everyone's surprise. Sometimes, we mess up. But the great thing is, if you need to get something off your chest, you can always trust your siblings. [a knock at the door is heard] Well, not all of them.

And who to enter the room than the one sibling who just can't keep her mouth shut. Lola Loud, the loudest Loud of all.

Lola: Whatcha guys talkin about?

Lisa: Quantum physics!

Lynn: Monster trucks!

Lori: Bobby!

Leni: Politics!

Lynn: Baseball!

Luan: Jokes!

Lana: Global warming!

Laney: A diversion?

Lola: You're telling secrets again, are you? It's not fair! I never get included!

Lincoln: That's because you're a tattle-tale, Lola.

Lola: [scoffs] I am NOT! [Lincoln and the others look at her with disbelief while a cricket chirps] Okay, I'll admit I used to be a tattle-tale, but I changed! [Everybody still doesn't believe her as they murmur to each other. Lola growls loudly and tosses her tiara aside in fury] MOM! THEY WON'T LET ME IN THEIR SECRET SECRETS CLUB!

[As Lola storms out of the room, Lincoln quickly shuts the door. Lisa checks her list of secrets]

Lisa: Mmm. So where were we?

Lincoln: I broke Dad's disco ball, Luna caused the blackout, Lori scratched the car, Lucy ruined Mom's wedding dress, and Laney broke mom's plates and got herself cut. [Laney blushes] Who's next?

Lana: [raising her hand] Ooh! Ooh! So you know how Dad was yelling at Charles for chewing up his boots? [giggles] That was me!

[The siblings begin laughing]

Luan: [with realization] Wait a second. Weren't those steel toe?

[The next day. Lincoln wakes up and sees Lola looking at him with a wide smile. Lincoln yells in shock]

Lola: Morning, Linky! [pulls out a fancy suit] I need a butler for my tea party. You're it.

Lincoln: Yeah. That's not happening. [he puts his bedsheets back on]

Lola: Oh, really? [she swipes the bedsheets off of Lincoln. He looks up] I hate for Dad to find out who broke his precious disco ball!

Lincoln: [gasps loudly, realizing that Lola knows his secret] Who told you about that?!

[Lola shrugs her shoulders, pretending not to know. Lincoln is seen wearing the suit Lola provided]

Lola: Top me off, Linkington. [Lincoln tips the teacup over] I don't hear any tea!

[Lincoln sighs, and tips the teacup over while making a whooshing sound to make it sound like tea is pouring out]

[Backyard. Lucy is writing in her poem book, and Lola approaches her with her princess car]

Lola: Hey, Luce. Want to play "Drive me around while I practice my pageant wave"?

Lucy: Hard pass.

Lola: Okay. [drives around for a little bit] Maybe I'll go play "Dress Up" with Mom's wedding gown instead. [Lucy looks up with realization as a crow caws. Lola gasps] Oh, wait. I can't, because someone ruined it.

Lucy: [gasps loudly, realizing she knows about her secret] Who told you that? [Lola shrugs her shoulders, pretending not to know. She moves into the passenger seat as Lucy sits down on the driver's seat. Lola motions Lucy to start driving] Sigh.

[Lucy dons a chauffer's cap, and begins driving as Lola begins waving. Later in the dining room, Laney was writing something, Lola approaches]

Lola: What'cha writing?

Laney: Well, I figured if Lucy can write disturbing poems. I can write something of my own, a story perhaps. Here's what I got so far.. [Lola stops Laney]

Lola: Yeah, that's great. Speaking of stories, I was hoping you could read some to me. I like fairytales and princesses, but make me the princess, and don't forget the voices. [hands Laney a book]

Laney: Maybe you should just read it yourself.

Lola: Or maybe mom should know why you wear that scarf all the time. [pulls down Laney's scarf revealing her scar]

Laney: How did you- [Lola smirks, Laney sighs]

Later, after Lola's threats to spill out every last siblings secret. She had them all wrapped around her finger.

[Lana and Lola's room. By now, Lola has forced all of her siblings into doing menial tasks for her. Luna is playing a mandolin, Lynn is painting Lola's toenails, Lana is dressed fancy, and Lincoln is back to being Lola's waiter]

Luna: [playing the mandolin, irate] With a moo moo here, and a moo moo there-

Lola: [correcting Luna] Uh... I believe I said he had a pig.

Luna: [through clenched teeth, more irate] With an oink oink here, and an oink oink there...

Laney: [reads] And the brave knight said to the fair princess Lola, "Fear not mi-"

Lola: Voices!

Laney: [irritated, reads in a deep voice] "Fear not, Mi'lady! I'll save you from this great evil!"

Lola: Wonderful. How's my homework coming, Lis?

Lisa: [pulling up a sheet of paper that has the letters of the alphabet made up of different shaped pasta noodles] I'm up to the letter "S".

Lola: Hmm. Make the macaroni a little crooked. I don't want my teacher getting suspicious. [chuckles. Claps twice] Jester! How about a joke?

Luan: [dressed as a jester, unenthusiastically] Why do chicken coups only have two doors? 'Cause if they had four, they'd be chicken sedans. Ha ha ha ha ha. Get it?

Lola: Yes! [laughs] Isn't this fun, everyone?

[As Lola laughs at the fun she's having, her siblings all grumble in frustration, knowing they're not having fun. Lori and Leni's room. The kids are having another meeting]

Laney: I can't take another second of this! Do you know how hard it is to to do a male voice? VERY HARD!

Lori: Steele down! Now, I think we all know why we're here. Lola knows our secrets, and she's literally torturing us!

Lynn: [suspiciously] "Clearly, we've got a rat!"

Leni: [thinking Lynn is referring to a real rat, horrified] "EW! WHERE?!"

Lisa: [to Leni] No, Leni. A "rat" is an informal term for a "snitch". [to everyone else] So which one of you low-lifes is it?

[All the siblings begin to fight, blaming each one of them for being the rat. During their squabble, Lincoln flies out, and lands on something that pierces his butt]

Lincoln: Yowch! [he pulls off the item from his butt, revealing to be Lola's tiara] What the? [as he examines the tiara, he notices a microphone attached to it. He realizes something] GUYS, STOP! [the siblings cease their fighting] I know who the rat is, and her name rhymes with "granola".

Leni: [pulls up Lisa] Lisa?

Lincoln: [facepalms] No, it's Lola! She put a microphone in her tiara, and eavesdropped on our meeting!

[Flashback to yesterday. Lola growls loudly and tosses her tiara aside in fury]

Lola: MOM! THEY WON'T LET ME IN THEIR SECRET SECRETS CLUB!

[As Lola was yelling at her Mom, her tiara landed on the floor. The camera zooms in on the tiara, revealing the microphone. End flashback]

Laney: Why that little...

Lori: Well, now we know who the rat is. But what do we do about it?

Lana: Yeah, she still has all our secrets!

Lincoln: [theorizing] But what if we had one of hers?

Laney: Does she even have a secret?

Lori: Yes. But Lola's a pro. She covers her tracks.

Lincoln: [determined] Everyone makes mistakes, even Lola!

Laney: I want to help! Because if Lola tells mom about my scar, I'm doomed!

Lincoln: Don't worry. Just make sure to follow the plan...

[The next morning. Lisa is sorting cereal bits for Lola, the pink marshmallows in a bowl marked "YES" while the regular bits go in another bowl marked "YUCK"]

Lisa: Just 10 more minutes, and I'll have all your cereals separated for you, Lola.

Lola: Oh, good job, Lisa. Don't let any of that icky bran mix with those yummy marshmallows. [Looks up at Luna playing a double bass] Uh, smooth jazz, Luna? [chuckles] Nice try. How 'bout a little adult contemporary instead?

Luna: [acting] Sure! Anything for you, sis!

[She plays a different line; Lynn is now painting Lola's toes]

Lynn: Almost done with the second coat! Then onto the third!

Lola: Laney! Storytime!

Laney: Excellent! I got just the story for you that is no way a diversion. It stars you as the princess, and-

Lola: [excited] Read it to me! Read it to me!

Laney: [starts reading] Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Lola, she was the most perfect princess in all of the land... [Lynn gives Lincoln the signal. He sneaks into Lana and Lola's room and searches every nook and cranny until he finds a secret note under Lola's mattress.]

Lincoln: Aha! [grabs the note] "If you're reading this, you must be snooping. Get out of my room...or else. Signed, Lola". [He disregards the warning and crumples up the note and finds another note in the wastebasket] [reading it] "I said GET OUT OF MY ROOM! Signed, Lola." [growling] Err! [sees something on her nightstand] Lola's diary! [opens up a page] "Today, I broke Mom's most prized possession." [smiles thinking she's got her] "Just kidding. Only a MORON would write secrets in a diary. NOW GET OUT OF MY ROOM! Signed, Lola." [closes diary] Man, she's good! [grabs Lola's tiara] What is your secret, Lola Loud?

Laney: [from downstairs] Lola, wait! Don't you want to hear the end!? [Lincoln gasps knowing Lola is coming and hides the bugged tiara in his cap. Lola comes up to her room and gasps in shock]

Lola: [angry] BUSTED! [She's actually scolding her teddy bear] I said, no sweets before dinner, Mr. Sprinkles! [shivers] Brr! It's cold in here.

[She sees her window open while Lincoln is holding on by the sill and closes it on his fingers. Lincoln falls and screams and lands on a cactus]

Lincoln: YOWCH! [groans] Where the heck did this cactus come from? [sees another note attached to it] "If you landed here, it means you were snooping in my room. Enjoy the pricklies. Signed, Lola." [sighs in defeat]

Mr. Grouse: [noticing the tiara on Lincoln's head] Nice tiara, Loud! What are you doing? Training for a beauty pageant?

Lincoln: No! [gets an idea] Actually, yes! [runs off]

Mr. Grouse: Oh. Well, good luck with that!

Later, at a paegant training center...

Lincoln: No one has dirt on Lola Loud? [Lola's competitors scream in fear upon hearing Lola's name and run away] Sheesh! What did she do to these girls?

?: Psst! Over here! [Lincoln turns around and sees a pair of eyes sticking out of a closet door. With no one looking, Lincoln approaches the closet, and a pair of hands drag him in. The room is pitch black and only the eyes are visible] Hey. I'm going to help you. Not because I like you, but because I'm tired of always coming in second place to Lola!

Lincoln: Wait. Is this Lindsey Sweetwater?

Lindsey Sweetwater?: Do you want the dirt or not?

Lincoln: Sorry. Proceed. [Lindsey whispers a secret to Lincoln, causing him to gasp loudly] Holy...

[Back at the Loud House]

Luan: ...Shamoley!

[Lincoln has just told all his sisters Lola's secret, leaving them completely flabbergasted]

Lynn: [off-screen] Man, that is juicy! [the sisters look over to Lynn, who is actually talking about the burger she's eating] And you got some really good dirt on Lola, too.

[The sisters have a dull expression while they lower their eyebrows, except for Luan, who snaps her fingers at her for telling such a good joke]

Lincoln: Yep, and now, it's time to take her down!

[The sisters begin cheering]

[Lana and Lola's room]

Lola: [after hearing the secret about her] Holy shamoley! [all her siblings are surrounding her angrily. She grabs Lincoln by his shirt] Who told you about that?!

[Lola looks at her siblings, demanding an answer. They all shrug their shoulders, pretending not to know]

Lincoln: If you tell Mom and Dad our secrets, we'll tell them yours! Now if you'll excuse us, those of us who can trust each other are going to go hang out.

[The siblings leave while Lola looks on with disappointment, realizing they got the upper hand]

Later in Lori and Leni's room...

Lisa: So then, kaboom! Mom and Dad's bedspread was burnt to a crisp!

Luan: [barging into the room with a bowl of popcorn] Guys! I just saw Lola marching into Mom and Dad's room! I think she's ratting us out!

[The kids begin to chatter nervously]

Lincoln: She wouldn't dare!

Lori: If she's taking us down, we're taking her down with us!

[The siblings all rush downstairs and approach their parents' bedroom. Lola walks out with a depressed expression]

Rita: Thank you for telling the truth, sweetie. But you know I have to punish you. You're grounded for a month.

[Rita pats Lola on the head and closes her door. Lola glumly walks away while the others look on dumbfounded]

Lincoln: You're grounded? Wait, what's going on?

Lola: [sighs] You guys are off the hook. I took the blame for all the stuff you did.

[The siblings gasp in shock]

Laney: Even the scar?!

Lola: No. But I did took blame for the broken plates. [Laney sighs in relief]

Lincoln: But why would you do that?!

Lola: [sighs] Cause all I really wanted was to be included in your group.

Lincoln: Then why'd you threaten to tell on us and make us do all that stuff?

Lola: It was the only way I could get you to hang out with me! But then I realized I went about it the wrong way. Instead of using your secrets against you, I should have tried to earn your trust. [heading upstairs] So from now on, that's what I'm going to work on. [voice breaking] If anyone needs me, I'll be up in my room for the next 30 days. Care packages welcome.

[Lola sadly parts off, as her siblings look on with sadness]

[In her room, Lola is playing a dirge on a harmonica and is now wearing a denim prison uniform and a pink bandana with her hair now more curled. Lincoln knocks on her door and comes in]

Lincoln: Hey, Lola, you know, we talked it over, and decided...you're in! You've earned our trust!

Lola: [gasps happily, rips off her uniform and reveals her normal outfit and starts dancing with joy] "OH, YES YES YES YES!

[The club comes in to talk about their secrets with their new member]

Lynn: Aw, so you guys won't believe how bad I messed up the other day!" [her siblings' curiosity is piqued] I was in the living room, practicing my pile driver with Mom's ironing board.

[As Lynn talks about her secret, Lola is so happy to hear every detail. Soon, the meeting is over and the kids are all wrapping up as they head back to their rooms while Lana goes into the bathroom]

Lola: Aw, you guys! That was so fun! Thanks! [waving goodbye] Everybody get home safe!

Laney: Lola? [Lola turns to Laney, who walks up to her] It's important that yo do not tell anyone else about my scar! I'm very embarrassed about it, so please keep it to yourself!

Lola: You don't have to worry about a thing. From now on, all your secrets are safe with me... [Laney leaves and Lola closes the door, and starts talking to someone] So, you'll never believe what Lynn did! [It's revealed that she's whispering Lynn's secret to her stuffed animals. She then looks at the viewers] Well, what did you expect? I'm Lola Loud! It's not like they'll tell anyone! [turns to her stuffed animals] So, anyway... [continues to tell them Lynn's secret]


	23. Snow Bored

**Snow Bored**

As night and snow falls all over royal woods, all the Loud siblings gathered by the couch. Hoping that all this snow could lead to school closure.

News Anchor: Good evening, everybody. Now stay warm and stay tuned . Because we'll have tonight's weather right after this.

Laney: Snow day snow day snow day snow day snow day snow day!

Lucy: [wishing] Oh, spirits of the sky, grant my wish.

Lori: [her fingers are cross] Fingers crossed.

Luan: [her arms and legs are crossed] Everything crossed.

Lily: [drinks milk from her bottle, burps and laughs]

Lola: I got my lucky rabbit's foot.

Lana: I got my lucky booger. This baby got me through preschool.

Lynn: And I got my lucky jock [stretches it, slinging it into Lincoln's face]

Lincoln: Ugh! [to the viewers] You may be wondering what the heck is going on here. I'll show ya' [opens the front door and steps outside] See that? Snow, beautiful snow. And if it keeps coming down, we can be in for a snow day tomorrow. So tonight, we will do anything in our power to make it happen.

Luna: Dudes! The weather's on!

[Lincoln runs back in and cross his fingers]

Patchy Drizzle: Patchy Drizzle here. For the weather, myself. Rollin' up my sleeves [rolling his sleeves up] Take it in on.

[The Loud kids watch it seriously]

Patchy Drizzle: "Better put on your snowshoes cause it's getting up to twenty four inches of mother nature's dandruff. I regret saying that." [takes a piece of paper] "Ahem. The following schools will be closed tomorrow."

The Loud kids: Royal Woods! Royal Woods! Royal Woods!

Patchy Drizzle: Heverton, Hazeltucky, Huntington Oaks and...

[The kids look on in awe]

Patchy Drizzle: ...that's it.

The Loud kids: [sad] Awwww...

Lola: [angrily] WHY YOU LOUSY-

Patchy Drizzle: Just kidding. You too, Royal Woods! [shows the whole city]

The Loud kids: [excited] HOORAY! WOO HOO! Snow Day! Snow Day! Snow Day!

Patchy Drizzle: Snow Day!

[Lisa appears and turns off the TV]

Lisa: This just in. There will not be a snow day tomorrow.

[Her siblings are surprised and stop cheering]

Laney: Why?

Lisa: Once I spray my super strength salt across the city roadways, we shall have no trouble accessing school.

[They all boo at Lisa and throw pillows at her.]

Lola: [angrily] WHY WOULD YOU RUIN OUR SNOW DAY?!

Lisa: Ahem. [pulls a chart down] For every school day you miss, your brain functionality decreases by approximately point 0.006 %

Leni: But Lisa, snow days are F-O-N, fun!

Lisa: [presses a button and the chart goes up] I rest my case. Besides, I fail to see how frolicking in frozen temperatures like a bunch of nincompoops is fun.

Laney: You're just saying that because you never experienced a snow day yourself!

Lincoln: Yeah, what if we could show you how fun snow days can be? Then would you call off the salt?

[The Loud kids agree with Lincoln and are excited to help Lisa]

Leni: Yeah! F-O-N! F-O-N!

The Loud kids: F-O-N! F-O-N! F-O-N!

Lisa: Fine! But only because I can't stand to hear you spell erroneously.

[The Loud kids cheer as they walk off.]

Leni: [stops walking] Wait, I thought we were spelling "fun"?

[The next day, everybody is getting out of the house to have fun in the snow.]

Laney: [Approaches Lisa] Hello Lisa, I'll be your guide through the many fun things you can do on a snow day!

Lisa: Okay, you've got four hours. Dazzle me or it's back to school for you truants. [puts on her snow goggles]

[Lincoln runs while pulling Lisa and Laney on the sled]

Laney: Nothing screams snow day like sliding steep hills on a sled. A reccomended activity for young thrillseekers.

Lincoln: What do you think, Lis?

Lisa: I think my buttocks are cold.

[The sled hits a rock and Lisa accidentally gets off it]

Lisa: And now bruised.

[Lincoln finishes building an snow igloo]

Laney: When you bury yourself in snow, make yourself at home with a old-fashioned snow fort.

Lincoln: You gotta check out the built in cup holders. [goes in]

Lisa: Hmm... lacks cross beams, low baring walls, a solid foundation...

Lincoln: Old choices that I made.

Lisa: Hardly up to code.

[After Lisa touches the igloo, it falls apart.]

Lincoln: It's collapsible too.

Laney: Not a fan forts huh? Not to worry there still lots do on a snow day.

[Lana comes]

Lana: How about letting old Lans take the reins?

Laney: I don't see why not.

Lincoln: Knock yourself out. My buttocks are cold. And bruised.

[Lana made a snowman]

Laney: Snow days are a great way to make friends. And what better friend is one made out of snow. Like a snowman!

Lana: Say hello to Mr. Twigarms!

Laney: Hi Twigarms!

Lisa: Umm...what does Mr. Twigarms do?

Lana: Uh... Nothing. But, he's awful jolly.

Lisa: Perhaps if you're value your education, you could build something with more pizzaz.

[Lisa presses a button and a robot appears]

Lisa: Say hello to Mr. Reinforced Titanium Align Arms.

Laney: Is that our mailbox?

[The robot is searching for a target to destroy and thinks the snowman is the enemy and shoot lasers at Mr. Twigarms.]

Lisa: Sorry, I forgot he has jolly seeking lasers.

[Lola is ice skating]

Laney: With the lake all frozen up from all this snow. Kids would put on some skates and slide through the thin ice.

Lola: Here's the returning champion, Lola Loud! About to execute a triple salchow!

[Lola jumps and does a twirl]

Lola: Come on, Lisa! It's your turn!

Lisa: [counting formulas] Based on water density, the way to the small human that ice should be weak in 3, 2...

[The ice breaks and Lola fell into the water]

Lola: Dang it.

Lisa: Dang it is right. I was one second off.

[Lisa, Laney, and Lucy are making snow angels]

Lisa: What exactly are we doing?

Laney: Making snow angels.

Lucy: No were not. We're plaing corpsicle. It's my favorite snow game.

Lisa: How do you win? By getting hypothermia?

Lucy: Yes.

[Luan holding a bucket full of snow]

Luan: Watch this, Lis. You're gonna love snow pranks.

Laney: I don't remember snow pranks being an activity.

Luan: It's activity to me! [The three siblings walk up to Lincoln who is rebuilding his snow fort. Luan winks at Lisa, who is confused and puts snow balls on Lincoln's butt] FROST BUTT!

Lincoln: [panics and shivers] Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold!

Laney: [laughs] That is funny!

Luan: [laughs] Oh, man. Classic Luan.

Lincoln: [still shivering] Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold!

Lisa: Uh... Spefimes sackle expidition has shown us losing a butt to frost butt is no laughing matter.

Luan: Eesh, I'd really like to make a crack right now. But, It's snow time to be cheeky. [laughing] Get it?

Lisa: Unfortunately, yes.

Lincoln: [still shivering] Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold.

[Lynn and Lisa are on a sleigh while their siblings watch]

Lynn: Representing Royal Woods in the World Fox Sleigh Finals! It's Lynn and Lisa Loud! Oh, yeah! [starts the sleigh on the slope]

Lisa: Woah, woah, woah... Stop!

Lynn: [accidentally lets the sleigh move away] Uh-oh.

Lisa: I can't see this ending well.

[Lisa goes really fast as gets off from her sleigh and falls in the snow. Her siblings gasp and come to her location]

Lincoln: Umm.. Snow angels?

Lisa: It's over, guys. Snow days are both pointless and health hazard. Ergo, I shall unleash the salt.

Lisa's siblings: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[The Loud kids complain at Lisa]

Laney: Please Lisa! Give us one last chance!

Lisa: My decision is final. You can not talk me out of it.

[Someone throws a snowball at Lisa]

Lisa: What was that? [angry] Alright, who did that?

[The Loud kids move away and reveal that it was Lana]

Lana: Aw, you finks!

Lisa: You poked a bear, my friend.

Lana: Haha. What are you going to do...

[Lisa throw a snowball at Lana]

Lisa: Huh. That was actually quite satisfying.

[Lisa made another snowball]

Lynn: [help Lana up] Here, Lana.

Lincoln: Lets help you up.

[Lisa throws a snowball at Lana again, and the others as well]

Lisa: Hey, this is kind of...

Laney: Fun?

Lisa: Yes, F-O-N, fun.

A snowball fight was soon broke out, the kids have done it! They turned Lisa's thoughts on snow day around. Later that night, Lincoln and Laney were sharing hot cocoa in the living room.

Lisa: Hey, Lincoln, Laney. Thanks for today. You made a snow day comfort out of me.

Laney: No problem, Lisa. I'm just glad you had fun with us today.

Lincoln: Yeah, especially since Patchy said back to school tomorrow.

[Lisa gets surprised and smile]

The very next day, Laney and the rest of her sisters woken up to a big surprise.

[Laney was sleeping until the siblings wake her up]

Lynn: Laney! Laney, wake up!

Laney: Hmm?

Lynn: It's snowing! Look outside! [Laney climbs out of her bed to do so, and sees that it was snowing outside again]

Laney: B-but how? This is so... AWESOME!

Lana: Oh, my lucky booger worked again!

Lisa: Incorrect. I called some friends at NASA. They pulled a few strings and a little cloud, deciding later we have ourselves another snow day. [Laney runs up to hug her]

Laney: You're the best!

Lana: Aw, I still think that was you, Lucky B. [Kisses her booger]

[Outside, Lincoln is sledding.]

Lincoln: YEAH!

[Suddenly, Lisa starts to throw snowballs at him and Lincoln crashed into a tree]

Lisa: [laughs] There's nothing like another day for throwing frozen projectiles. WOO HOO! Snow day!

[Lana is making another snowman.]

Lana: Even better.

[Suddenly, Lisa starts throwing snowballs and made a hole on Mr. Twigarms Jr.]

Lana: Mr. Twigarms Jr.!

Lisa: [laughs] Look alive, Lana! Mr. Twigarms sure doesn't.

[Laney is making snow angels, suddenly a shadow appeared and a big pile of snow falls on her]

Laney: [muffled] Arrgh...

Lisa: Heads up!

[Lynn is riding her sleigh when suddenly Lisa appears on her own one.]

Lisa: Hey, Lynn! Say hello to my not so little friend. [laughs as she throws snowballs at her sister.] Snow daaaaaaaaaaaaay!

[Lynn fell into Lincoln's fort.]

Lincoln: Dang it.

[Lisa wants to show her inventions.]

Lisa: Hey, guys! I want to show you my latest invention! Ultra Snow Zooka! Patent pending.[Looks around] Guys, where did they go?

[The others are inside the house]

Laney: Where did it all go wrong! All we wanted to do is show Lisa how fun snow days are!

Lincoln: But now, we created a monster!

Lori: At least we safe in here.

Lucy: Yeah. It's not like she can bring snow inside the house.

[Lisa starts to shoot snow.]

Lisa: Meet my latest, latest invention! Indoor snow! Patent pending! [Lisa starts shooting snowballs and laughs while her siblings runs off]

[Lori is hiding in her room's closet.]

Lori: [to Bobby on her phone] Boo Boo Bear, Lisa is literally out of control.

Lisa: [opens the door] On the contrary, I've never felt in control or more live! [to Bobby] She'll have to call you back, Boo Boo Bear.

Lori: I love you.

[Lisa shoots Lori with snow, covering the phone's camera, and it shuts off]

[Lana is checking outside of her room and runs to the bathroom. In the bathroom, Lisa shoots snow.]

Lana: Is nothing sacred?!

[Lisa laughs evilly]

[Lincoln and Leni are hiding at the fireplace.]

Lincoln: We should be safe under here.

Leni: [holds a bag of brown nuts] I brought chestnuts for roasting.

Lisa: [up the chimney] YOO HOO! Here's Jack Frost nipping at your nose!

[Lisa shoots snow down the chimney.]

Lincoln: Aw, shoo! [the snow covers him and Leni]

[Lucy is hiding in the vent.]

Lucy: That maniac will never find me here.

Lynn: [Shows up] Mind if I join you?

Lucy: It's pretty crowded up here with me and the spirits. But I think there's room next to Great Grandma Harriet.

Lynn: [sits next to her sister] Phew! Safe at last!

[A giant snowball is rolling towards Lynn and Lucy. They panic and run away from it]

Lynn: Move it, Grandma!

[Snow splattered outside the vent.]

[In Laney's room, Laney was hiding in her bed]

Laney: Okay. Lisa can't find me. I'll just hide here until spring... [just then, Lisa enters the room with her snow-zooka]

Lisa: Laaaaaaaney... Come out and plaaaay. [Laney was petrified and tried not to make a sound. Lisa walks around Laney and Lucy's bunk. She looks around, shrugs, then leaves]

Laney: Whew... [she turns around and Lisa's snow-zooka was pointed at her face]

Lisa: Peek-a-boo! [Cut to the window outside, which was splattred in snow]

[Later at night, the Loud kids are at the living room and wish to end snow days.]

Lucy: Oh, spirits of the sky. End this madness.

Lori: [fingers crossed] Please, please. No more snow!

Luan: [arms and legs crossed] Yeah, I can't take another day of this.

Laney: [shivering, with a blanket wrapped around her] I'm ready for spring now...

Lily: [drinks milk from her bottle, burps and laughs]

Lola: How do you reverse a rabbit's foot?

Lana: Lucky B, You've gone too far!

Luna: Dudes! It's on!

Patchy Drizzle: Well, no one saw this coming but it looks like we're in for another foot of snow day tonight! And that is gonna mean...

[The Loud kids gasp]

Patchy Drizzle: ...School closings!

[The Loud kids groan sadly]

Lisa: YES! Thank you, NASA! You punks ready for tomorrow? Cause my snow power tank sure is! [clicks a button]

[Outside, the tank sends more snow]

Lisa's Siblings: NOOOOO!

Lincoln: Lisa, please, enough! You have to call off the snow day.

Lisa: Sorry bub, cloud seedings aren't exactly reversible.

Laney: Then, just use your special salt!

Lisa: But I'm really looking forward to another snow day. You guys convinced me, they are F-O-N, fun!

Lincoln: I think we've had enough "Fun".[The sisters beg Lisa to call off the snow day]

Lisa: Well, I'm quite crestfallen. But if that is the consensus, I will submit to the will of the majority.

Leni: So... going back to school?

[Lisa nods and the sisters cheer as Leni misspells school as "S-K-O-O-L".]

Lincoln: Thanks, Lis.

Lisa: No problem, Lincoln. Best get ready for bed. School day tomorrow.

[The next morning, Lisa is sitting in her tank, which now shoots the salt.]

Lisa: [to the viewers] Well, Houston, mission accomplished. My master plan was a major success. I'm pretty sure my siblings won't be wanting any more snow days. [rises out of the tank] And now that I've repurposed my snow tank to a salt-spraying, snow-melting de-icer, it's time for some real F-U-N, spelled correctly, I might add.

[Lisa makes the tank move forward and spray salt as the Loud Kids follow her]

Lisa's siblings: School day! School day! School day!

Lincoln: [to the viewers; confused] Wait, what just happened?

Laney: I don't know, but I'm glad it's over.


	24. One Flu Over The Loud House

**One Flu Over The Loud House**

[Episode begins with Lincoln waking up]

Lincoln: [yawns, and to the viewers] Ooh, the sweet sound of silence. That never happens on a Saturday. I must be the first one up. [notices the time] Wait a minute! 10:00 AM? How could it be this quiet this late?

[He opens the door as he puts his clothes on. He notices the upstairs hallway is all wrecked.]

Lincoln: Uh, hello? [Suddenly, a strange noise is heard coming from Lola and Lana's room.] Hey guys! [The twins come out of their room as they look sick, and they look like zombies. Lincoln laughs nervously and walks back to Lori.] Oof! Lori, I think something's wrong with the... [Lori looks sick and there were flies around her. Lincoln screams. There is a sick Lynn as well. He tries to back away and tries to open Lisa and Lily's bedroom door. Lisa opens the door, and she pulls Lincoln inside as he screams.] What the?

Laney: Is he ok?

Luna: He looks okay, but we better check him.

Leni: [checks him with a temperature scanner] 986 degrees? He's good. Let him go.

Lincoln: Will someone please tell me what the heck is going on?!

Lisa: Haven't you heard? This morning our house became infested with an acute, febrile, contagious virus. Or, as it's known on the street, [suspenseful music plays] The flu.

Lincoln: [to the viewers] With 14 Louds packed into 1200 square feet, when someone gets sick, it spreads like the plague. We're not just talking flu, we're talking...a zombie apocalypse!

Lisa: The first virus sighting was in Lori's room.

[An old time movie reel complete with countdown starts with Rita checking Lori's temperature with the scanner]

Rita: You have got a fever, young lady. You need to get right back in bed.

And as Lori sneezed, her virus spreaded...

[Lori sneezes and her mucus gets all over Lynn's basketball. Lynn picks it up, spins it on her fingers, gets Lori's germs on her, sneezes, and catches the flu. As she groans, she goes down to the kitchen and drinks orange juice straight from the carton]

And spreaded...

Lana: Morning.

[Lana pours a glass of juice into a glass, drinks it as it contains Lynn's bacteria screaming as it goes down her throat. This causes her to get sick and drink the rest from the carton]

Lola: MOM! LANA'S DRINKING FROM THE CARTON!

And spreaded.

Lola: [Lana coughs on her] AND NOW SHE'S COUGHING ON MEeeeeee... [gets sick, too and moans]

[End flashback]

Lisa: Okay, the only survivors are you, me, Leni, Luan, Laney, Luna, and Lucy.

[The group is shown altogether]

Lincoln: [panicking] Wait! Lucy's infected!

Lucy: Incorrect. I always look like this.

Lincoln: But what about Laney? Usually she's the first one with the flu.

Laney: Don't worry about me. I've never been better! [stretches]

Lisa: If we wanna live to see another day, I suggest we initiate escape protocol ASAP.

Lincoln: I'm on it. [gets his radio and calls Clyde] Healthy Loud to Safe Haven. We've got a level four outbreak.

[Clyde spits out his cereal]

Clyde: The flu?! Lincoln, give it to me straight. Did Lori make it?

Lincoln: [sighs] Negative...

Clyde: [gasps and laments] WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! [calming down] Sorry. I know we can't afford the luxury of grief right now. [focusing] I'll have everything ready. Cot, medical supplies, and my patented heal meals. How many survivors?

Lincoln: Seven. [Luan sneezes] Make that six.

Luan: Guys, no! It's snot what you think! [laughs and then turns sick and groans]

Lisa: She's infected! Get her out!

[They shove the infected Luan out the door on a play shopping cart]

Leni: Guys, don't you think we should take care of the sick? After all, they're still our family.

Laney: I wish we could, but there's nothing we can do.

Luna: She's right, dude. It's too late for them, but not for us.

Lincoln: Everyone, out of the house! Let's move.

Lisa: Wait! We can't just go out there with our proverbial keisters hanging out. [presses a button that opens up her and Lily's closet equipped with water guns, grabs one, and fills it with some kind of substance] In case we're attacked, this concoction will slow down the infected. [blasts Lincoln]

Lincoln: [tasting the concoction] Tastes like chicken soup.

Lisa: That's because it is chicken soup. [hands gun to him]

[Lucy, Lisa, Laney, and Luna each grab one of the remaining guns. Lisa gets more soup and puts on a headband. The remaining six are ready to take the fight.]

Leni: Um...I don't know if this is-

Lisa: LOCK AND LOAD, PEOPLE! [her siblings follow suit]

[Lincoln looks around and gives the clear signal and they move into the hall]

Lincoln: Look sharp. They can be anywhere.

[They move onward and Luna signals them to stop. Luan's unicycle comes rolling out of her room and onto the floor. Just then, Lincoln spots something]

Lincoln: Luna! Three o'clock!

[The infected Luan is coming toward them and Luna shoots some chicken soup into her mouth, causing Luan to fall over]

Lincoln: Lisa! Six o'clock!

[The contaminated Lola is approaching in her car]

Lisa: EAT HOT SOUP! [shoots it in Lola's mouth, causing her to crash while distracted by the taste]

Lincoln: [notices another one] Leni! Nine o'clock!

Leni: Lincoln, make up your mind. What time is it?

[Unbeknownst to her, the contagious Lori approaches her]

Lincoln: No, behind you!

Leni: [gasps at the sight of Lori and pulls out a tissue] Want a tissue?

[Lincoln rams Lori back into her room]

Leni: Lincoln, where is your heart?

Lincoln: Where is your brain? We're trying to stay alive here!

Laney: Lincoln! Trouble! [she points Lincoln to Luna being surrounded by a sick Luan and Lola]

Luna: [panicking] Dudes! Help!

[Lincoln lets out a cry to battle and he and Laney blast Luan and Lola who cough all over Luna before being hit by the soup. It turns out they were too too late to save Luna, for she has become infected]

Lincoln: EVACUATE![The remaining five head for the stairs, but Lana is coming for them. The Luan and Lola zombies get right back up now accompanied by Luna and the Lynn zombie is also coming from the other side, trapping the survivors] Think, Loud. You've seen a million zombie movies. Wait. I've got it. [suddenly starts doing a zombie impression]

Lucy: Whoa. Lincoln's one of them now.

Lisa: In that case... [cocks gun]

Laney: Wait! He doesn't look infected.

Lincoln: I'm just trying to blend in. Come on. It's our ticket to freedom.

[The others follow suit and they escape toward the stairs]

Leni: Aw...they sound so sick. Do you guys need a cough drop? [gets out a bag of them]

[The other four grab her and they all get down the stairs]

Lincoln: Leni, you're putting the squad in jeopardy and I won't have it! [notices Laney was still moaning] Laney? You don't have to pretend anymore. Laney, are you okay? [Laney snaps out of it]

Laney: Oh, yeah. Totally! Um, where's Lucy?

Lincoln: [turns to see the twins and Lori munching on something, thinking the worst has happened to Lucy] Dang it! We lost another one. She was so young. [gets out the radio] Healthy Loud to Safe Haven. We're down to four survivors.

Clyde: Sorry to hear it, Healthy Loud. Everything's set on this end. Quick question for the heal meals. Does everyone eat guacamole? [mixing a bowl of the stuff]

Lincoln: Affirmative. Except for Laney, she eats chicken soup. And hey, Safe Haven, thanks. [signs off] We're tasting freedom in three, two- [As he opens the door, he discovers that now the pets are contaminated as well] AAAHH! THE VIRUS HAS JUMPED SPECIES! [shuts the door]

Laney: Now what are we gonna do? There's no way out! [panics] WERE DOOMED! DOOMED I TE- [Lisa smacks her]

Lisa: Snap out of it! We can still escape through the back door!

[Lisa, Laney, and Lincoln head for the kitchen]

Leni: But, Lincoln-

Lincoln: Once we're out the door, keep a tight formation. [They stop and gasp to see Lynn and Lola coming right for them] Reroute! Reroute!

[They escape]

Lisa: To the parental dwelling! [beat from Lincoln and Leni not knowing what she meant]

Laney: She means Mom and Dad's room!

[They run as the other zombies approach them]

Lincoln: Move! Move!

[Lisa and Leni run into the room and Lincoln shuts the door the moment he's in]

Lincoln: Dad, the house is infected. We need to get out through your window.

[However, Lynn Sr. turns around and shows green eyes just like the others, meaning he's one of them now. Leni and Lisa gasp]

Lincoln: We've got a hostile!

[As they try to escape, they find Rita come into the room as she has come down with the flu as well]

Leni: Aw. Mom doesn't feel well. She just needs a hug.

Lincoln: Leni! Stand down! [aims his gun] Mom, I hate to do this, but- [tries to fire only to get the nozzle clogged] Agh! Noodle jam! Why did you have to use chunky style?

Lisa: It's heartier!

[Just then, Lucy opens the door and hits Rita]

Lincoln: AAAHH! Lucy's infected!

Lucy: Again, this is just how I look. And you're welcome for the rescue.

Laney: Lucy! You're okay!

[Lynn Sr. gets up and limps toward the now four survivors. The survivors barricade the door by tying a jumprope between the doorknob and the sofa leg]

Lincoln: That should hold 'em.

[Move of the sister zombies come out again]

Leni: Aw. Poor guys. They need a tissue. [gets the tissue box]

Lincoln: Good idea. [takes the box and tosses it to the side]

[Lori, Lola, Luan and Lynn turn to the tissues and go for them]

Leni: Lincoln, you could have just handed it to them.

Lincoln: Fall out!

Leni: But what about our-

Laney: RUN!

[Laney grabs Leni and they head for the backdoor in the kitchen. Just then, Clyde contacts Lincoln]

Clyde: Healthy Loud, come in!

Lincoln: Safe Haven, this is Healthy Loud. We are just about out the door and heading to your location.

Clyde: That's why I'm calling. I'm afraid there's a bit of a crisis here.

Lincoln: What's that, Clyde? Go again!

Clyde: I said-health issues-possible casualties-unless-

[Clyde's breaking up and the radio dies out]

Lincoln: Unless what? Clyde! [fails to get a signal] Dang it! The walkie's dead! We can't leave without knowing if Safe Haven is truly safe!

Lisa: I have batteries in my room.

Lincoln: Looks like we're going up. Loud, you take point!

[Beat]

Lucy: We're all Loud.

Lincoln: [scowling] Fine. Just follow me. [Laney sneezes, the three began to notice] Laney? [Laney covers his mouth]

Laney: Uhh. I'm... [coughs]

Lisa: She's infected! [aims her gun at Laney]

Laney: No no! I'm fine really! It's just really dusty in here, and cold, [shivers] so cold...

Leni: Aww. [hands Laney a blanket] You wanna blanket?

Lincoln: No, Leni! It's too late for her. Let's go.

[They head upstairs to Lisa and Lily's room where Lisa checks her drawers for batteries]

Lisa: Let's see...graduated cylinder, uh, test tube, enriched uranium, here we are. Two fresh AA's.

[They hear the moaning of one Loud they have yet to have encountered with the disease]

Lincoln: [through clenched teeth] Don't make any sudden movements.

[It's revealed to be Lily, giggling sickly. She sneezes]

Leni: Ah, poor baby.

[A green bubble made of Lily's snot inflates from her nostril. She sneezes and causes the bubble to fly toward the survivors]

Lincoln: Incoming! Hit the deck! [He and his three other sisters duck, as the green bubble goes out the window. He then prepares to take aim] Forgive me, Lily!

Leni: [intervenes] NO!

Lincoln: [irritated] What is wrong with you?!

Leni: Our family may be turning into gross snotty sickies, but you are turning into a monster!

Lincoln: I'm trying to save us! And I'm tired of you acting like Mother Teresa!

Leni: Shows what you know. Our mother's name is Rita!

[As the two argue, Lisa goes to the closet, gets one of Lily's bottles, and fills it with soup]

Lisa: SOUP IN THE HOLE! [throws the bottle]

[Lily crawls over to it and drinks up the soup]

Lisa: If you two ninnies are done bickering, I'd like to go taste that guacamole.

[As they continue to head out, Lincoln puts the batteries into his walkie talkie]

Lincoln: Safe Haven, we're back in. What is this crisis you were talking about?

Clyde: I made a peanut sauce for the Sante Fe egg rolls. But then, I realized someone might have a food allergy.

Lincoln: [frustrated] That's the crisis?! We're fighting for our lives, Clyde! No one has a food allergy!

Clyde: That's a relief, 'cause this sauce really ties the dish together. Safe Haven out.

Lincoln: [signs off] Roll out!

[Lincoln checks downstairs and shows that it's clear. They get to the kitchen and the back door]

Lincoln: We'll be tasting freedom in three, two-

Leni: Hey! The bubble's back!

[The bubble has found its way back into the house and hits Lucy dead center]

Lucy: Okay, now I'm sick. See the difference?

Lincoln & Lisa [unable to] No...

[Lucy sneezes and gets her germs on the doorknob]

Lincoln: Agh! Now the doorknob's infected!

Lisa: Uh...don't panic. I'm sure we'll find a way out of this. [Lucy sneezes on her] Dang it.

[The now zombified Lisa and Lucy come toward Lincoln who flees]

Lincoln: Leni! Help me with the table!

Leni: Are you finally gonna be nice and make them a meal?

Lincoln: Not exactly.

[They push the table over, blocking the doorway between the kitchen and the dining room. The zombies try to get through]

Lincoln: This doesn't look good, Leni. There's no way out of this house.

Leni: Too bad we're not dogs. Then we could use Charles's door.

Lincoln: That's it!

Leni: You go. I'm gonna stay here and take care of the sick.

Lincoln: Don't be a fool. They're gone. We have to start a new world without them. They'd want it that way.

Laney: [offscreen] No we don't! [shows a sick Laney at the other side of the table]

Lincoln: AAH! [holds his gun] Stay back!

Laney: No! Let me help! I maybe sick, but I'm not a zombie! [Lincoln squirts Laney as she attempts to get into the kitchen]

Leni: She's right! I have to stay here. But don't worry about me. If I wear a mask and I'm careful, I'll be okay.

Lincoln: I may not always agree with you, Loud, but I respect you. [salutes his sister] Good luck.

[Leni salutes back. As Lincoln heads for Charles's door, Leni looks for a good surgical mask to protect her and pulls out a plaid one]

Leni: Nah. Too blah.

[As she searches for the right mask, the zombies push the table out of the way and get in. She pulls out a pink one with hearts]

Leni: Too flashy. [pulls out one that looks like her dress] Ooh! Perfect! Goes with my outfit.

[Luna is right behind Leni and Lincoln notices]

Lincoln: LENI! DUCK!

[Luna sneezes and her mucus flies toward Leni]

Leni: A duck? Where? Is it sick?

Lincoln: [dives in front of Leni in slow motion] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [takes Luna's snot and hits the floor]

Leni: Lincoln, you saved me. Why?

Lincoln: 'Cause you've got a good heart. And you deserve to survive more than I do. [sneezes on Leni] Dang it.

And with that, the entire Loud house has been infected with the flu. The rescue plan has failed...

[Later, Clyde comes over in a hazmat suit]

Clyde: [to the viewers] Well, the escape mission was a bust, but just because the Louds are infected doesn't mean that they're not human. Plus, I'd hate to see all this good food go to waste. [puts on his helmet and brings them the Santa Fe egg rolls and a bowl of soup] Here's you chicken noodle, Laney.

Laney: Thanks, Clyde. It's great to know that things are going well.

Clyde: Well? Everyone in this house is infected.

Laney: I'm sure we'll be fine. It's only a cold after all. [sneezes]

Clyde: [to the viewers] Ain't she a sweetheart, folks? [to the Louds] Now, who wants Santa Fe egg rolls? [The Louds each grab an egg roll and start feasting on them like the living dead] Don't forget the peanut sauce. It's to die for. Oops! [chuckles nervously] Poor choice of words.


	25. Study Muffin

**Study Muffin**

In the kitchen, Laney was washing her hands by the sink. Just then, Leni rushed in and washed up her face, Laney was looked at her dumb blonde sister and saw she had an anxious look like is if she was preparing for a date.

Leni: How do I look!?

Laney: Umm. Okay?

Leni: [relieved] Oh, thank goodness. [walks to the dining room]

Laney was interested in why her sister was acting strange, stranger than usual that is. She walked over to the dining room and saw all her sisters surrounding someone.

Hugh: Um, hello. I'm Hugh, Lincoln's tutor. It's lovely to meet you all.

Sisters: [infatuated] Ba...ba...ba...

Laney: [enters] What are you... [she pauses as she looks at Hugh] Uhh...

Hugh: [Looks at Laney] Oh my, you're a nice looking young lady. Are these your sisters?

Laney: [infatuated] Uhhh...

Lincoln: [annoyed] Could you guys please get out of here? We're trying to study.

Lola: It's a free country, Lincoln. [stands next to Hugh] We can stand where we want to.

Lana: [cuts in front of Lola] I'm standing here!

Lola: The heck you are!

[The twins start fighting by flailing their hands at each other]

Lana: You're blocking my view!

Lola: You're blocking my Hugh!

[The girls start marching toward Hugh who backs up into a corner]

Lori: Out of my way!

Hugh: [nervous] Oh my word. There's quite a few of you. Friendly lot.

[The girls get closer with Luna hopping and flailing her tongue up front. Walt perches himself on Hugh's arm]

Hugh: Oh. Hello. Bit cheeky, aren't we?

Laney: Guys, stop! [she runs over to Hugh and pulls him out of her sisters' way] Are you okay?

Hugh: Quite alright miss...

Laney: Laney.

Hugh: I'm Hugh, Lincoln's tutor. [Laney holds Hughs hand and zones out as she looks at him, until Lincoln snaps her back to reality]

Lincoln: Okay, that's enough introduction. Come on, Hugh. Let's go somewhere a little less crowded. [They walk to the living room]

[The living room]

Lincoln: Sorry about my sisters. They're not usually like this.

Hugh: Oh, it's no bother. They seem like very spirited young ladies. Especially that Laney lass.

Lincoln: Yeah, she's different than the rest of her siblings. [There's a banging at the window and it's revealed to be Lincoln's sisters looking through the window. Luan has her camera to film Hugh. Lincoln, infuriated, walks over and closes the curtain]

Lincoln: As I was saying, sorry about my-

[A periscope comes in with one of Lincoln's sisters peeping in and Lincoln angrily shoves it back up, hitting the peeping sister]

Lola: OW! MY EYE!

[Lincoln and Hugh go upstairs where Lynn Sr. is as he notices Hugh as well]

Lincoln: Again, sorry about my sisters. Maybe we should study in my room.

Hugh: Brilliant!

[Lynn Sr. is now wearing a bowler hat and holding a miniature Union Jack]

Lynn Sr.: [in a faux British accent] Cheerio! Pip-pip and all that rut! Lynn Loud, Sr. I did a college semester in merry old England. So many memories. Bangers and mash, riding the Tube...

Laney: [enters] Quit it dad! You're embarassing... yourself.

Lynn Sr.: [in a faux british accent] Oh, don't be like that love. We were just havin' a spot of fun, we were.

Hugh: [uncomfortable] Ah, yes. Cheers.

[Enter Lori]

Lori: Oh, Hugh. My window is literally stuck and I need someone very strong to open it. [takes Hugh away from her Dad, who doesn't even notice]

Lynn Sr.: [humming] Hmm, hmm...fish and chips.

[Lincoln sighs at this sight. In Lori and Leni's room, Hugh opens the not-so-stuck window]

Hugh: There you are, love. Right as rain.

Lori: [amorous] Wow. I bet you work out a lot, huh?

Hugh: Well, I did do a spot of crew in fifth form.

Lori: I like all your forms. [fawns awkwardly again]

[Lincoln sighs again. Enter Lisa]

Lisa: I need to borrow Hugh for a second. I'm tutoring Lola.

Lincoln: What?

Hugh: Glad to help. What's the subject.

[Lisa stares at him with a creepy smile and makes a creepy giggle to go along with it. Cut to Lola's tutoring session]

Lisa: [showing Hugh's abdomen] This is called a rectus abdominis. Otherwise known as a six pack.

Hugh: [embarrassed] Oh, I say! [pulls his shirt down]

Lisa: Now, if you'll turn around, I'll point out the gluteus maximus.

[The rest of the girls charge in and they and Lola squeal enticingly. Laney walks in]

Hugh: [frightened] Really? But this is most-

Laney: Girls, please! This really isn't decent of you! [looks at Hugh's butt] Even though he does have cute gluteus maximus... [blushes]

Lincoln: [Fed up] All right, all right. Class dismissed. [takes Hugh away]

[As they leave, Lori gets a quick snapshot of Hugh's butt. The other sisters look at Laney who was still blushing over Hugh]

Lola: Quit trying to steal my man!

Lori: Your man?! He's mine!

Laney: [snaps out of it] Wha?... No! You got it all wrong! I was just.. ah.. trying to help him get back to tutoring Lincoln.

Luan: Didn't look like it.

Lana: He's mine!

Lola: No he's mine! [soon the sisters were fighting over Hugh. Laney runs out of the room and closes the door]

Laney: Gotta find Hugh... He's mine... Ack! What am I saying? This isn't like me! [runs to her room] Okay. Stop thinking about Hugh. Stop thinking about Hugh. Stop thinking about Hugh. [goes to her chest and searches for something] Stop thinking about Hugh. Stop thinking about Hugh. Stop thinking about... [Laney finds a book with knight jousting on the cover, but her imagination made her see Lincoln's tutor as the knight]

Illusion Hugh #1: I'll be your knight in shining armor.

Laney: AAAH! [Throws away the book, and scooted towards the drawer and finds a mirror, in which she looks at herself] Calm down, Laney. You're going crazy over a complete stranger. A complete, handsome, smooth talking... [her imagination makes her see Hugh in her reflection]

Illusion Hugh #2: Where are you Laney? I miss you...

Laney: AAAAAAAH! [runs off] LINCOLN!

[The attic]

Lincoln: Sorry about this. It's the only place we'll get any privacy. It's a bit dark, but there's a lamp right here.

[Lincoln turns on the light and Lucy is right there from the shadowy corner, startling them]

Lucy: Hi, Hugh. I wrote a poem about you. [reads] **Hugh. Wavy hair. Mysterious eyes. Pretty cool for a living guy. Hugh.**

[Enter Lynn Sr. now wearing a royal guard hat]

Lynn Sr.: [in his accent] 'Ello, governor! Picked this up at ye olde Buckingham Palace gift shoppe.

[Enter Lola who pushes her family members aside]

Lola: EVERYBODY OUT! [gets out her tea party set] It's tea time for me and Hugh. I made yours without sugar, 'cause you're already sweet. [giggles and flutters her eyelashes, Laney pushes her out of the way]

Laney: OUTTA MY WAY! Err.. I mean [smiles nervously] Let's get you somewhere more quiet...

Lincoln: Couldn't agree more [grabs Hugh and heads off]

[Charles' Doghouse]

Lincoln: Okay, I highly doubt anyone's gonna bother us here.

[Lincoln looks over there as Lana is in the doghouse drinking water with Charles]

Lana: [notices Hugh and waves flirtatiously] Oh, hi, Hughie.

[Charles gets up on Hugh and licks his face]

Luna: Dudes! He's in the pooch pad!

[The rest of the girls, their dad, Walt and Cliff all rush to the doghouse, each getting stuck in the hole, begging for Hugh to join them, leaving him in a panic]

Laney: Enough! Give him some space!

Hugh: Aah! This again!

[This commotion ultimately destroys Charles' doghouse]

Lincoln: [furious] ALRIGHT! FAMILY MEETING! [to Hugh] Back in a jiff. [Family meeting in the living room] You guys are unbelievable. The minute a good-looking guy with an accent shows up, you all go completely bonkers.

Laney: I wasn't going crazy over Hugh! I was just um... helping get some space so he can work with you.

Lori: She's right. That is so not true! [reveals to be wearing a sweater dedicated to Hugh] I've got these Hugh sweaters in small, medium, and large.

Girls and Dad: Ooh!

Lincoln: This has to end. I need to study, or I'm gonna flunk fifth grade! So from now on, Hugh is off limits.

[The girls all complain at Lincoln's decision and walk away disappointed]

Lynn Sr.: [in accent] Now, girls, you heard Lincoln.

Lincoln: Uh, that means you too, Dad.

Lynn Sr.: [disappointed] Oh.

Laney: You did the right thing Lincoln. Now you and that [blushes] gorgeous hunk of london broil can go back to work. [giggles, Lincoln points to upstairs and Laney ran along]

[Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: Sorry that took so long to take care. Finally, we can get down to business.

Hugh: Brilliant. Let's start with mathematics. [opens math book] "See if you can solve for X."

[Lincoln writes down his equation]

Lincoln: Is that right?

Hugh: Well done! Let's move onto social studies. [opens social studies book] What are the three major exports of Bosnia-Herzagovina?

Lincoln: [thinking] Um...aluminum, car seats, and leather footwear?

Hugh: Smashing! Shall we have a go at Earth sciences?

[Later]

Hugh: Lincoln, you're spot-on in all of your lessons. Even surrealist art.

[Lincoln had painted his version of The Son of Man by René Magritte with him as the son and a Tennis ball as the apple]

Lincoln: [confused] It's weird. I thought I needed so much help.

Hugh: It's all in your head, chum. There's no reason you shouldn't be getting top marks on your exam. Well, I guess you won't be needing me anymore.

[The girls and pets burst in]

Sisters: [devastated] NOOOOOOOOO!

Lincoln: Et tu, Laney?

Laney: It's not what you think! I uh wanted Hugh to look at this mirror and uh... ummmmm... OH WHO AM I KIDDING?! GET OVER HERE HANDSOME!

Hugh: [frantic] Good heavens! Are all yanks like this? Careful! Mind the hair!

[The girls and their dad all surround Hugh with little to no escape. He crawls out and runs for his life]

Lynn Sr.: GIRLS! HE'S GETTIN' AWAY!

[Hugh is on a Penny-Farthing pedaling as fast as he can as the girls, their dad and the pets give chase]

Girls: NO! / You can't leave! / I want a lock of your hair! / MARRY ME!/ I LOVE YOU!

[The next day, Lincoln returns home from school with a despondent look on his face]

Lynn: How'd the test go, bro? You ace it?

Lincoln: No! I got an F! [slumps on the floor]

Luan: [looks at the test] Oh, and a frowny face. That's cold! [pulls out a phone] I know just Hugh to call! [laughs] Get it?

[The girls start fighting over who should call him]

Lana: I'm calling Hugh!

Lola: No, me!

Lori: I'm calling Hugh!

Lincoln: I don't get it. I thought I knew all the answers.

Laney: I'm sorry, Lincoln. It was all our faults you failed your test. [bows her head down in shame] I don't know what came over me.

Lincoln: It's okay, Laney. [sighs] Ms. DiMartino is definitely gonna flunk me now.

[The girls cease their fight]

Lynn: Wait. Ms. DiMartino?

Lincoln: Yeah. She's been our substitute teacher since Mrs. Johnson broke her leg riding a mechanical bull.

Laney: Um, Lincoln? Did you ever considered there's a different reason you failed that test?

Luna: Like the fact that Ms. D is so smokin', guys go completely bonkers around her.

Lori: Yeah. Even Bobby nearly flunked because of her. Of course, that was BL: Before Lori. [grimly] Or he never would have noticed her.

Lincoln: But that couldn't happen to me! [thinking] Could it?

[A flashback to Ms. DiMartino preparing for her first day as the substitute for Mrs. Johnson's class]

Girl Jordan: Hi, Ms. DiMartino!

[Enter Lincoln walking by, captivated]

Lincoln: Ba...ba...ba... [walks into a locker door]

[In class, a boy gives Ms. DiMartino an apple with a heart-shaped balloon tied to its stem. Rusty gives her a box of chocolates. Liam gives her a bonsai tree trimmed like a heart. Lincoln gives her a fruit basket dedicated to the state of Michigan. Lincoln is sharpening his pencil while being distracted by Ms. DiMartino's beauty. He sharpens his pencil down so much, it's stubby now. It happened to a lot of his pencils. Ms. DiMartino is writing down the French term for "to love", Aimer, and how to conjugate it]

Ms. DiMartino: Let's conjugate the French verb, Aimer, to love. J'aime, tu aimes, il aime, nous aimons...

[The boys are too busy ogling and drooling over her to pay attention. At lunchtime in the cafeteria, Lincoln and his friends all look at her and wander into the trashcan]

Liam: Oh! Found my retainer!

[The class is taking a test]

Ms. DiMartino: You'll have one hour to complete your test. Eyes on your own paper.

[During the test, Lincoln fills in his test with a big heart]

[End flashback]

Lincoln: [realizes] Holy shmoly! You guys are right! I do go completely bonkers around Ms. DiMartino. Just like you guys did around Hugh.

Laney: Guess you're not as different from us as you thought. Just like me...

Luan: Don't beat yourself up Lanes. That guy is so hot, you can fry eggs on his rock hard abs! [giggles and blushes]

Leni: By the way, if Hugh and I ever got married and had a baby... [shows an online baby picture she made] ...here's what it would look like.

Lisa: Oh, Leni, you're delusional. Because I'm gonna marry him, and our progeny is gonna look like this. [shows her online baby]

[The girls start fighting again, this time over who will marry Hugh]

Lincoln: Guys, you gotta help me! I don't wanna flunk fifth grade! Clyde could end up as a tattooed litterbug!

[The girls stop again and are puzzled by what he said]

Lincoln: It made sense when he said it.

Luan: Maybe you can get Ms. DiMartino to let you retake the test.

Lincoln: But as long as she's anywhere near me, I'm still gonna blow it!

Laney: Well, just make sure she isn't near you.

Lisa: Exactly. Observe. [takes Lori's phone with a picture of Hugh as its wallpaper which she makes that creepy smile towards it and goes to Lori] Lori, what is Bobby's full name?

Lori: Robert Alejandro Martinez- [gets shown the Hugh picture and fawns over it; Lisa pulls it back] Roberto Alejandro- [gets shown it and fawns again; it's pulled back] Roberto- [shown and fawning again]

Lisa: And now to delete.

Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, and Lola: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Lisa deletes the Hugh image which is now replaced with a picture of Lori taking a duckface selfie]

Lori: [shakes her head and comes to her senses] Roberto Alejandro Martinez Millan Luis Santiago, Jr.

Lisa: Case closed.

Lincoln: Got it. [leaves]

Lisa: Don't worry, guys. I have more photos of Hugh saved in the cloud.

[Epilogue, In Lisa's room, The sisters couldn't stop fawning over the picture of Lincoln's tutor. Laney, being the only one who wasn't looking at the picture sat by Lisa's bed. Enter Lincoln]

Lincoln: Hey, Laney. How come you ain't over there going gaga over Hugh? You still crazy about him?

Laney: Nah. I've learned that love can have a strong hold on you. But for the wrong reasons. I'll just hope that someday I'll find my crush, until then I still have all of you.

Lincoln: Aw, thanks. Well, goodnight. [Lincoln exits]

Laney: [holds a picture of Hugh] One day I'll be old enough for you, love... [Heart shaped iris out]


	26. Homespun

**Homespun**

[Episode begins at the Loud House, a crash is heard]

Lori: AAH! DANG IT!

Laney: Huh? [runs out of her room and towards the bathroom] Is everything okay in there?

Lori: No! I'm locked in the stinking bathroom! Now let me out! Bobby's coming over to study, and I only have three hours to get ready!

[Laney tries to open the door, but the knob broke off and she sees through the hole. Lori struggles to open the bathroom door, when suddenly, she slips. She grabs hold of the shower curtain, but it rips off. The pole holding the curtain bonks Lori on the head. Lori growls even louder at this string of events]

Laney: [bashes through the door] Hang on Lor- [falls down a hole in the bathroom floor] EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Lori: THIS HOUSE IS LITERALLY FALLING APART!

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Lori's right. With 12 kids, four pets... and two parents who insist on fixing everything themselves, our house is a bit of a, how do I put this nicely, disaster.

[Flashback to Lana and Lola brushing their teeth]

Lincoln: [voice-over] You've got the faulty water pressure.

[Lana puts her mouth under the faucet, and turns the water pressure on, but nothing comes out. Lola is ticked off at Lana's uncouth method of rinsing her mouth]

Lana: [leaving the bathroom] Eh. I'll go borrow some water from Charles' bowl.

Lola: Try to have a little digni-

[As Lola was talking, the increased water pressure from the pipes breaks loose, spewing water onto Lola, flinging her into the trash can. Flashback to Luna arriving home late at night with her music equipment]

Lincoln: And the creaky floorboards.

[As Luna enters the house, she gives a "hang loose" hand gesture and tiptoes over to the staircase. She steps on the first step, making a loud creaking sound. This alerts Lynn Sr., scaring Luna]

Lynn Sr: Lori? Leni? Luan?

Lincoln: Don't forget about the rotting wood.

[Luna tries to grab hold of the handrail, but the entire staircase breaks apart. As Luna stands back up, Lynn Sr. flashes a light at her]

Lynn Sr.: Luna!

[Flashback to Lincoln adding the finishing touches to a model pirate ship]

Lincoln: Then there's the clunky furnace. [Lincoln has just added the captain on the ship] Well, Captain. After 13 weeks of careful construction, your ship is finally ready.

[As Lincoln looks on with pride, the furnace begins rattling. As Lincoln holds his model ship in fear, the furnace spews out some soot, covering Lincoln with it and damaging his model ship. Flashback to Lynn Sr. adjusting the TV antenna on a windy day]

Lincoln: And the crummy TV signal.

[Inside the house, the kids are complaining that the TV is fuzzy again. Rita is outside putting pillows on a trampoline just in case is Lynn Sr. falls off. A sheet of foil lands on Lynn Sr.'s face, blinding him. His vest gets caught on the TV antenna, causing him to get tangled in the antenna]

Lynn Sr.: [panic-stricken] Something's got me!

[Inside the house, the TV signal is back, as a "Peanuts"-esque show appears on the screen]

Luan: Wait! Wait! That's perfect!

[As the Loud kids cheer at the signal being back, Lynn Sr. falls off the roof, along with the TV antenna, causing the signal to be lost again]

Loud kids: Aww.

[Flashback to a series of moments where doorknobs and door handles broke off]

Lincoln: And the doorknob situation.

Lisa: [doorknob] Dang it.

Leni: [fridge door handle] Dang it.

Lynn: [doorknob] Dang it.

Lucy: [attic cord] Dang it.

Lori: [doorknob] Dang it.

Luna: [flusher handle] Dang it.

Lincoln: [doorknob] Dang it.

Laney: [doorknob] OH COME ON!

[End flashback]

[Lincoln has just gotten the trash to the curb, where the mailbox is all banged up and patched up]

Lincoln: [thinking] And I feel like there's something I'm leaving out. [The mailbox falls onto his foot] YAH! Right. The mailbox. [puts it back up] Ridiculous. There wasn't even a breeze!

[Cut to Lisa with a weather machine and wearing a slicker and hat]

Lisa: Actually, according to my meteorological instruments, a big storm's a-brewin'. Perhaps a tornado.

Lincoln: [doubtful] What? No way!

[Cut to the TV with a weather report]

Patchy: Patchy Drizzle here with an urgent weather bulletin! A tornado watch has just been issued for the Royal Woods area!

[Everyone except Lisa gasps]

Lisa: [sighs] Try and keep up, Patchy.

Rita: Alright, kids, everyone down to the basement. Your father and I have to secure the TV antenna.

Lynn Sr. I call trampoline!

[The basement. Lisa's weather machine is set and the kids and pets are all secured with pillows for comfort on the hard floor and chatting about the situation with concern]

Twins: [holding each other tight] I'm scared!

Lisa: Fear not. A tornado watch doesn't mean a twister's coming, but rather that conditions are right for one. Besides, most residential structures can withstand wind speeds of up to 80 mph.

Luan: Or, in the case of our house, 2 mph! [laughs and everyone else, except Laney, laughs with her]

Laney: What do you mean?

Lynn: Maybe this old heap will blow away, and then we can get a new house!

Laney: What!?

Lola: [sighs dreamily] I'll finally get my castle!

Lori: [texting] Ugh. I can't believe I have to postpone my study date with Bobby after I did... [showing her bod] ...all this.

Laney: Wait! Maybe you're being too hard on the house. This place has got us through bad times.

Lori: Mostly because IT caused all thoes bad times!

Luna: Dudes! Remember the first time Bobby came over to Casa Loud?

[Flashback to Bobby's first visit to the Loud House. He is dressed maturely with a white shirt and tie and carrying an Italian gift basket. He approaches the door but falls through the porch and gets stuck. Lori and her parents open the door with the oldest sister looking on with concern]

Bobby: Mr. and Mrs. Loud. Heh. It's an honor to finally meet you. [extends hand which is now covered in marinara sauce]

Lori: [gasps] Boo-Boo Bear! You're literally bleeding!

Bobby: Oh. [chuckles and shakes sauces off] No worries, babe. It's-it's just marinara sauce. Ahem. Could I please use your restroom?

[In the bathroom, Bobby is trying to use the sink, but the water isn't coming out. Suddenly, a shake and rattle comes out and a jet of water blasts Bobby against the wall. Lucy can see him through the hole in the bathroom floor next to the toilet]

Lucy: So, you're Lori's new love interest.

[Bobby yelps and flinches and grabs the doorknob only for it to come off]

Bobby: Dang it.

[End flashback. Lori reminisces with passion and her siblings laugh.]

Lori: [sighs dreamily] Fortunately, our love was strong enough to overcome any obstacle. [sternly] Including creepy sisters who spy on my dates. [referring to Lucy]

Lucy: Please. You can't expect to have privacy in this house.

[Flashback to Lucy, Lynn, and Laney trying to sleep]

Lucy: [inhales] Sigh. [inhales] Sigh. [inhales] Sigh.

[This wakes Lynn and Laney up]

Lynn: Okay, you've been doing that for ten minutes. What's wrong, Luce?

Laney: You can tell us.

Lucy: [rises up] Don't tell anyone, but... [shows Lynn a book called " **Hungry Like a..."** with a werewolf on the cover] ...I've been reading this new book series about a werewolf, and it feels like I'm cheating on Edwin. [shows her Edwin poster with a little drawing of her taped to it]

Laney: Well you shouldn't be, because you're not really cheating on anyone. I mean, Edwin's just a creepy old headpiece.

Lucy: You take that back!

Lola: [having overheard this from her room] "I'd stick with the vampire. Werewolves are hairy and gross. Yech!"

Lana: Which is exactly why she should go for one! [howls]

Lori: [having overheard it, too] But Edwin was her first love!

Laney: How can you guys hear that?

Lori: These walls aren't exactly made of steel.

Lynn Sr. [also having overheard it] Don't these books sound a little old for Lucy?

[Rita is reading **The Mom Jeans Ultimatum** ]

Rita: Of course not, dear. When I was a girl, I read a series about a cute lumberjack.

[Lucy places her pillow over her face and falls back]

Lucy: Groan.

[End flashback. Everyone except Lucy is laughing.]

Lucy: [inhales] Sigh...

Lisa: I still fail to grasp your dilemma, as both would-be suitors are mythological beings.

Lucy: My point was that our walls are ridiculously thin.

Leni: Yeah! Not to mention leaky!

[Flashback to Leni working on a new dress. The roof starts to leak]

Leni: Uh-oh.

[She stops it with her ruler, but then the leak comes in through the wall. She stops it with her foot. Eventually, all different spots in the room are leaking and she covers the last one with her pincushion in her mouth]

Leni: Got it. [hears her phone vibrating] Dang it!

[End flashback]

Leni: And it wasn't even raining! Someone just flushed the upstairs toilet!

Luan: Urine trouble then! [laughs to rimshot] Get it? [her siblings groan for the umpteenth time] Aw, come on. It was funny!

[The weather machine is going off and Lisa has the results]

Lisa: Good news. Wind speeds have decreased significantly. We should be out of this asbestos-ridden dungeon soon.

[Her siblings,minus Laney,and the pets cheer]

Laney: Do we have to say goodbye to our home?

Lynn: Why not? Didn't do any good for us.

Lori: Like the time our basement flooded after the last big storm...

[Flashback to the aftermath of the previous storm Lori mentioned. The entire basement is flooded with the faucet leaking]

Lisa: I'll get the buckets.

[Many buckets later]

Lori: "Last one."

[She passes it to Leni, who passes it to Luna, who passes it to Luan, who passes it to Lincoln, who passes it to Lucy, who passes it to Lana, who passes it to Charles, who passes it to Lola, who passes it to Lisa, who passes it to Laney, who passes it to Lynn, who dumps the water in the backyard. Pause flashback]

Laney: But don't you remember what happened after that?

[Resume flashback. After the last bucket, Lynn gasps and notices something]

Lynn: Hey, guys! Check it out!

[They made a swimming hole in the backyard from the storm water]

Lynn: CANNONBALL! [dives right in]

[Everyone except Lori jumps in]

Lori: Ew! I'm not swimming in grody basement water!

[Lynn resurfaces]

Lynn: Hey, Lori! I found your missing earring! [holds up said earring]

Lori: [gasps] The one from Bobby? CANNONBALL! [dives right in]

[End flashback. The kids were happy to remember that time]

Lynn: Yeah, I guess sometimes, living in a crummy house isn't all bad.

Lincoln: Yeah, like the time possums got in through the holes in the roof and chewed up the wiring.

[Flashback to that time. The last possum has just fled through the hole. The family is up in the attic where Rita has some bad news]

Rita: Sorry, kids. Till we get new cables, there's gonna be no TV or internet.

[The kids, minus Laney, respond with despair]

Laney: Hm. I never needed TV or Internet to have fun.

Lynn Sr.: She's right, kids. In fact, I think I know how to possum the time. Ha-ha! [His kids, even Luan, groans at his joke]

Laney Wow. Even Luan didn't think that was funny.

Lynn Sr.: Guess what ol' Dad found?

Lori: [hopeful] A wireless hotspot?

Lynn Sr.: Even better! [shows him a series of books] My old Pioneer Boy books from when I was a kid! They're about a plucky young lad and his family crossing this great nation in a covered wagon. You guys are gonna love 'em!

Laney may be the only kid excited at that moment. But as moments passed, they grew to like it so much, they used old costumes and other props lying around to make there own pioneer adventure.

[The kids are seen reenacting the pioneer days inspired by the books and dressing the part. Lincoln is riding in a toy wagon with his Starship Groupers sleeping bag as a cover, Luna and Lana are playing bluegrass music with Lily dancing to the beat, Leni and Lola are trying on old showgirl outfits as Leni laughs, Lori has embroidered a hoop of Bobby, while Lucy has sewn one of a cow skull, Lynn is pushing a hoop with a stick, Luan is juggling horseshoes, and Lisa is making different kinds of old fashioned tonics. Luan drops one of her horseshoes on her foot]

Luan: Ow!

Lisa: [in a Southern accent] "Fret not, lassie. One drop of my mugwump elixir will soothe every ache and pain."

[End flashback]

Lori: That did turn out to be fun.

[The others agree]

Lisa: Yes, indeed.

Lynn: That was pretty cool.

Lola: That was almost as fun as the time the air conditioner went crazy, and Dad couldn't turn it off.

[Flashback to that time where Lynn Sr. is struggling with the AC. It blasts a bit and he runs off in fear. Inside, the living room has become a winter wonderland for the kids who are in their winter clothes and having fun ice skating, building a snowman, and having a snowball fight. End flashback]

Luna: You know, dudes, maybe Laney's right. Maybe we've been too hard on the ol' crib. It's got some perks. Like the wicked slanty floors.

[Flashback to a good meal with Lincoln and his older sisters at the grownup table]

Luna: [leaning chair toward the kitchen and the kiddie table] Yo, Lans! Pass the gravy.

[Lana puts the gravy boat on the floor and it slants over to Luna. End flashback with Luna laughing at that time]

Luna: You never have to get up to grab some grub!

Lynn: Or a fresh roll of TP.

[Flashback to Lynn using the toilet while reading the sports section without any toilet paper]

Lynn: GUYS! I NEED A RELOAD! [one of them tosses her a roll from the hole and she grabs it] And she makes the snag.

[End flashback with them all laughing]

Lincoln: The broken doorbell can come in handy, too.

[Flashback to a time they ordered pizza and the delivery guy presses the doorbell only to be shocked by its faulty wiring. He drops all the boxes meant for the Louds and runs off. The kids answer and smack their lips with hunger. End flashback]

Lincoln: I can't remember the last time we paid for pizza.

[The kids laugh some more]

Laney: And don't forget the super springy couch!

[Flashback to when Laney was reading a book, when she got excited at a certain moment, she started to bounce lightly, when she noticed this she started jumping on it and she started to giggle, until it bounced her so high she smahed a hole in the ceiling]

Luna: [offscreen] Occupado!

Laney: Sorry, Luna.

[End flashback, the kids laugh again]

Lynn: Guess that explains why have that hole. And boy did that come in handy!

Lori: Um, we got it, Lynn.

Lynn: Oh. Okay. Just wanted to be sure.

[Lily is toddling about and babbling a little]

Luan: Guys, I think Lily wants to share a house story, too. Mind if I translate, Lilster?

Lily: Poo-poo. Ahem. [babbling]

Luan: So, it was Mom and Dad's anniversary weekend.

[Flashback to said weekend. The parents are driving off and the kids wave goodbye]

Kids: BYE! HAVE FUN!

Lincoln: Okay, guys, it's time to put "Operation Paint The Peeling House To Give Mom And Dad The Greatest Anniversary Gift Ever And Also Think Of A Shorter Name For This Operation"...into action!

[The kids go into the garage]

Lucy: I still think adjacent burial plots would have been a better gift. Nothing says romance like eternity.

[The others just slowly inch away from Lucy after hearing that. Later, as Lincoln puts on the last coat, the horn sounds]

Lincoln: They're back! Paintbrushes down!

[Their parents step out of the car and find their house completely covered in a rainbow nightmare]

Loud Kids: SURPRISE! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

Lynn Sr. and Rita: [appalled] Good...gravy...

Lincoln: So, you like it?

Lynn Sr. and Rita: Uh...

[The kids are immediately painting the house back to the way it was before. Lily paints a hand print on the side of the quick, and the others follow suit, each colored handprint matching their themed color]

Lynn Sr. [tear-stricken] Best...anniversary gift...EVER!

[End flashback]

Luan: That was a great story, Lily.

Lily: Poo-poo.

Luan: I think she's got another story! [Lily soils her diaper] Oh. This time, it really is just poo-poo.

[The kids all laugh again. Just then, Lisa's weather machine goes off again]

Lori: [concerned] What's going on? Is the storm over?

Lisa: Uh. Actually, wind speeds have increased significantly. Meaning the tornado watch is about to become a tornado warning." [The siblings gasp in fear, and a siren on Lisa's weather machine begins blaring] And there it is.

[Rita and Lynn Sr. enter the basement]

Lynn Sr: NOBODY PANIC!

Lynn: [regretful] I guess it's not such a bad house after all.

Lisa: Definitely.

[As the sisters agree with Lynn's statement, the sound of thunder begins roaring like crazy, causing the light in the basement to begin flickering]

Lana: I don't want our house to blow away!

Lynn: Me neither.

Lisa: I take back what I said before.

Luan: Yeah, we have so many memories in these walls.

Luna: I'm sorry I ever ragged on this place.

Lynn: Me too.

Leni: We're so sorry, house!

Lola: Me too!

Lana: Me three!

Laney: We've been through so much together! I don't wanna lose you!

Lincoln: Me neither! [confessing] You might be old and creaky and full of leaks, but you're ours. And we love you!

[As the winds increase with power, the siblings and the pets begin trembling in fear at the impending doom that's about to hit them. After eight seconds of cowering, the winds suddenly cease, the thunder stops roaring, and the light stops flickering. Lisa checks her machine]

Lisa: All clear!

Lincoln: Let's go check on the house! [the siblings expect Lynn all run upstairs out of the attic] I hope the house is okay!

Lynn: [with a roll of toilet paper] I'll check the hole in the bathroom floor.

Outside. The neighborhood is littered with rubble all over. The siblings and parents are looking at their house with deep concern. A passing bicyclist approaches them]

Bicyclist: Yikes. You guys were hit hard.

[The house is revealed to be just the same]

Lincoln: Nope, this is how our house always looks. And we wouldn't want it any other way.

Laney: And let's keep it that way.

Lynn Sr.: All right, everyone, back inside.

[Lynn Sr. attempts to open the door, only for the door handle to break off]

Loud Family: Dang it!


	27. Linc or Swim

**Before I begin, It has come to my attention to some of you that I may have missed a few episodes. Well, the reason was I was feeling uninspired to write them. But now that I do feel inspired, I present to you the episodes that were cut out from my story. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: The Loud House is owned by Chris Savino and Nickelodeon**

* * *

 **Linc or Swim**

On hot summer days, there's nothing like day at the pool to cool you off. But when you live in big family, it's hard to stay cool. Little Laney walked out of the girls' changing room in a blue bathing suit, stretching as she makes her way into the pool. Until...

[The sound of a whistle halts him to a stop. The camera goes up, showing a concerned face on Laney]

Lifeguard: Loud family, out!

[The Loud kids are seen leaving the pool]

Lynn: But we were just having fun.

Lifeguard: Chicken fights during Senior Swim are not "fun".

Mrs. Jelinski: [shaking her fist in anger] I just replaced this hip!

[The other seniors look back at the kids with concerned or angry expressions]

And it wasn't the first time today, Laney's plans of swimming were foiled by her sisters' mischief. This went on from pool...

Lifeguard: Loud family, out!

[The Loud kids are seen leaving, while the lifeguard shoves Lincoln out. Lana can be seen holding a spoon]

Lana: But we were just having fun.

Lifeguard: Drinking pool water is not fun.

Lana: But it tastes like chicken noodle soup.

Lifeguard: Fine, but did you have to add the celery and carrots?

[The camera zooms out to reveal that Lana has littered the pool with slices of celery and carrots. The lifeguard scoops some of these slices out with his pool skimmer]

To pool...

Lifeguard: Loud family, out!

[The Loud kids are seen leaving once again]

Lori: But we were just having fun.

Lily: Poo-poo.

Lifeguard: Fecal incidents are not fun.

[Camera cuts to the now emptied pool, where people in hazmat suits scrub the walls of the pool to get rid off Lily's excrement while pedestrians look on. Camera shows another glance of the sun, then it shows the twelve siblings walking home.]

Lori: Come on, guys. We'll just find another pool.

Lisa: Actually, we've been suspended from every aquatic recreation center within a 60-mile radius.

[The gang stops and groans in agony]

Lori: Seriously? How are we gonna keep cool now?

[The girls start grumbling in frustration]

Laney: Well maybe if you guys behaved better, we wouldn't have this problem!

Lola: Don't look at me! Lana's the one who turned the pool into a soup kitchen!

Lana: Well they should stop making chlorine so delicious!

Lincoln: So that's it, then. No more pool for the Louds. [gets an idea] That's it! 'Pool for the Louds!' Why didn't I think of that sooner? [Heads off while his sisters keep grumbling]

[Over at Good Sport Sporting Goods, Lincoln is looking for a new swimming pool and picks up the DELUX SWIMMING POOL which is Muscle Fish approved and has a warning label that says it has dangerous levels of fun and is a drowning hazard]

Lincoln: Whoa. The perfect family pool. Just imagine...

[Lincoln has a fantasy about getting ready to dive into his new pool]

Lincoln: On a hot summer day, there's nothing like a refreshing dip in your own pool. [charges toward it] CANNONBALL! [suddenly comes to a screeching halt]

Lola: Ah ah ah! Don't you dare splash me, Lincoln Loud! This outfit cannot get wet.

[It is revealed that his sisters have taken up the pool even in his own fantasy]

Lincoln: But it's a swimsuit.

Lola: [scoffs] It's a swim gown, you Philistine.

Lana: [adding the celery and carrots and singing] "Mama's little baby loves shortenin', shortenin" [scoops some water up and takes a sip]

Lynn: Who whats to chicken fight?

[Luna lets out a war cry]

Leni: [with a chicken on her back] I'm in!

[The chicken tries to get away while Leni holds on tight]

Lana: Mmm...just what my soup needs...

Lincoln: I can't even get into the pool in my own fantasy!

Lori: FECAL INCIDENT!

[All the girls except Lily run away for obvious reasons]

Lincoln: NOOOOOOOOO!

[End fantasy]

Lincoln: Maybe not so perfect. [puts it back and finds an individual one] Oh! Paradise for One. Just imagine... [imagines himself in the pool on a small island in the middle of the ocean] Now this is a pool I can really get into. [singing and heading for the exit] Lincoln's little baby loves shortenin', short- [triggers the alarm] Whoops. Gotta pay first. [heads to check out counter]

[The Loud House; the girls are in the kitchen trying to cool off with the contents from the freezer; Lincoln sees them and tries to hide his pool kit from them]

Leni: Hey, Linc. Wanna chill with us?

Luan: 'Chill'! Good one, Leni! [laughs]

Leni: Good what?

Lincoln: Thanks, but I don't mind the heat. But, uh, you guys keep cool in here. Definitely no reason to go outside. I wouldn't even bother looking out there. Am I talking too much? I feel like I'm talking too much.

Laney: Are you alright?

Lincoln: I'm fine! Don't follow me! [leaves]

Lisa: He's clearing suffering the first symptoms of heat stroke. Now, pass the frozen succotash.

[Lynn tosses the succotash to her]

Lana: Scoot over. You're melting the broccoli.

Lola: Well, stop breathing on the frozen carrots!

Luan: Hey, Lynn, can you grab that bag of peas? Peas and thank you! [laughs while her sisters groan. Laney, wondering what Lincoln's planning, follows him outside]

Lincoln: [breathing heavily] Phew. [dumps out pool kit and instructions] The manual? Psst. Who needs the manual? [tries setting up pool only to make it look like a camping tent] What the? [tries again and makes it look like a sailboat; tries again and it looks like a unicorn; wrestles with it and gets bucked into the trash can; pulls out the manual] Ah, the manual. Everyone needs the manual. [unfolds it. The first thing he tries is using a bike pump to inflate it, but it breaks] Whoops. [sees the nozzle] I guess it's just you and me now. [breathes into it deeply a few times but gets too lightheaded to keep trying; passes out for a bit, when he wakes he sees Laney beside him]

Laney: Lincoln?

Lincoln: DAH! Um, Laney! [looks around] Are the others with you?

Laney: No. What are you doing? And what with the sunburn?

Lincoln: What sunburn? [touches the burn] Ow! That one... [sighs] Okay, I wanna make a pool for myself so my sisters can't ruin it. But you can't tell them!

Laney: Lincoln, you think you're the only one who has their plans to cool off ruined by others. If anything, I want to help.

Lincoln: Really?

Laney: Yeah! It will be a pool for two Louds!

Lincoln: Great! Now, where do you keep the bellows? [tries pumping up the pool with a pair of bellows and inflates it perfectly and closes the nozzle and notices a bee] Oh, no, you don't... [shoos it away, gets chased by it, and gets stung]

Laney: I got it! [grabs a spatula as the bee stood on Lincoln's face, Laney smacks him while the bee flies away] Did I get it? [the bee stings and pops the pool]

Lincoln: Dang it. [The pool gets a patch where the sting occurred and is fully inflated and Lincoln is hosing water into it and notices the shadow from the tree is casting over it; he moves the pool to the sun while the water comes out and now the pool is empty; he then touches his two painful spots]

Lincoln: Ouch! My sunburn and my bee sting!

[Later, he finally gets it set up]

Lincoln: And now, to suit up and cool down. [charges off into trash can] Ouch! My sunburn and my bee sting and my twisted ankle!

Laney: I'll get you an ice pack. Hopefully the others aren't using them. [runs to the kitchen]

Later, Laney and Lincoln, in their swimsuits were dashing to dive into their pool when...

Lincoln: [charges] CANNONBALL! [comes to a screeching halt] Aah! [discovers that Lori and Leni have found out about the pool and are now lounging in it]

Laney: Seriously?! How did you two get here!?

Lori: Lincoln, this is literally genius. Who's gonna kick us out of our own pool? Right? [raises a toast with Leni]

Leni: Are you getting in? There's totes room for one more.

Lincoln: Um, actually... [shows them the package] ...there's only room for one. See? Says so on the box. Paradise for-

Lynn: [pounces on Lincoln] CHICKEN FIGHT! I call Lincoln!

[Lincoln tries to get up, but is struggling to carry Lynn on his shoulders]

Lynn: Come on, partner! You gotta plant those feet!

Lincoln: Whoa! [collapses] Oof!

Laney: [sighs] Well, at least we're not getting kicked out of our own pool.

[The girls are having a pool party right in their backyard while Lily is running around in the nude]

Lincoln: [chasing her with her diaper] Lily! No skinny dipping! [gets splashed by Lynn and sees Lisa adding some kind of chemical] Lisa! No! What do you think you're doing?

Lisa: Testing sanitation levels. I've concocted a special serum that will detect and eliminate urine.

Laney: You mean... tinkle?

Lisa: Indeed.

Lincoln: I'm sure no one here would...

[Lisa adds the serum anyway and it reveals that all of her older sisters had tinkled in the pool, proved by their rosy cheeks, except Lisa, Lincoln, and Laney]

Lisa: Hmm...unprecedented levels.

[Lincoln washes the pool and refills it and the party continues; Luan and Leni are playing Marco Polo]

Luan: Marco!

Leni: Marco!

Luan: No, Leni. I'm Marco. You're Polo.

Leni: Then who's Leni?

[Luan was dumbfounded. Laney is seen sunbathing on a lounge chair]

Luan: Come on, Laney! The water's fine!

Laney: No thanks, I don't like crowded pools.

Leni: But I thought you wanted to play in the pool.

Laney: Maybe you didn't understand me when I said... [Luan grabs Laney into the pool] WOAH! [Luan laughs, Laney growls] You think this is funny?! Bring it on! [Lynn jumps on Laney's shoulder]

Lynn: Chicken fight! [Leni jumps on Luan's shoulder and they began the chicken fight]

[Lily is about to go skinny dipping again]

Lincoln: Oh, no no no no no! [grabs her and puts her in her diaper] No fecal incidents in my pool! I'm watching you, Lily. [sees Lucy floating and gasps in horror] Lucy? I didn't know you liked to swim.

Lucy: I'm not swimming. I'm trying to see if I'm a witch. Am I floating?

Lincoln: Yes.

Lucy: Wicked.

[Lily has escaped her diaper yet again]

Lincoln: [gives chase] Get back here!

[Its shows Lynn with a pool noodle with Lana standing on the edge, as Lola lounges]

Lynn: You know what your soup needs? Noodles! [bonks Lana with a pool noodle]

Lana: [grabs one] Bring it!

Lola: STOP SPLASHING ME!

Lincoln: Guys, no horseplay!

Luan: What about elephant play? [blasts Lincoln with a jet of water while sounding like an elephant, which makes Laney, Lana, Lynn, and Lola laugh at Lincoln]

Lincoln: [flies right into Bobby] Huh? Bobby? What are you doing here?

Bobby: Lori said there was an opening for a lifeguard at Casa Loud. [blows whistle] Everyone out! Senior swim!

Lincoln: What? There aren't any old people here!

Lori: Um, hello! High school senior? [points to self and gets in] Shoo shoo. Oh, this really is paradise for one.

[Lincoln gets enraged, grabs Bobby's whistle, and blows into it]

Lincoln: THAT...IS...IT!

[Everyone gives Lincoln their attention and Lynn bonks Lana with her noodle]

Lincoln: In case you guys haven't noticed, this is my pool! I bought it and spent all day setting it up, and I haven't even gotten in it yet! I'm too busy keeping all of you from ruining it!

Lynn: But we were just having fun!

Lincoln: Loud family, out!

Laney: But, Lincoln. We were just having fun.

Lincoon: Fun?! I thought we agreed that we were gonna have the pool to ourselves! We were both tired of our sisters butting in our summer fun!

Laney: Well, yes. But over the past few hours I have spent with them, I've learned that they just want to have fun just like us.

Lincoln: I should've known you'd take their side. Well, forget it! This pool is mine and nobody elses! Now GET OUT [blows whistle, Laney bowed her head in sadness as she and the rest of her sisters leave] Maybe I was a bit too hard on her... Oh well, time to...CANNONBALL! [charges and comes to yet another screeching halt] What? [reads] **Warning. No cannonballs. May cause tears.** How did I not notice this before? Eh, I'll just rip this off. [notices another label] **No removing the warning label?** Sheesh! What can I do? [gets in] That's all right. This is still gonna be paradise for one. [starts to get a little bored and tries doing some of the things his sisters did like kicking back, lounging, playing Marco Polo...] Marco! Marco! [...and playing with the noodles, but nothing interests him, and he pulls out a carrot slice from Lana's soup recipe] Ugh! [tosses it aside; remembers all the fun his sisters had and misses them; hears some splashing] What's going on? [goes to check it out]

Lincoln goes into the front yard to find all of his sisters having a blast on a swimming pool more delux than Lincoln's.

Luan: Okay, this time, instead of Marco Polo, why don't we just use our real names?

Leni: Okay. So, I'm... [sees her brother] Lincoln?

Luan: Boy, you really don't get this game at all, do you? [then notices what Leni meant] Oh, hey, Linc!

Lincoln: Hey, guys...what's all this?

Lori: Well, little bro, you had such a good idea in buying your pool, we decided to-

Luan: -pool our money to get this one! [laughs and gets more exasperated groans from everyone and gets bonked by Lynn's noodle] That's using your noodle! [laughs some more] Ow.

Leni: Aren't you gonna get in? There's totes room for one more.

Lincoln: You're gonna let me use your pool, even though I kicked you out of mine?

Lola: Well, he was kind of a meanie.

Lucy: Not to mention selfish.

Lori: And bossy.

Bobby: And he stole my whistle!

Luan: But that doesn't mean he can't use our pool.

Lincoln: Really?

Lynn: Well, duh. It's more fun with all of us.

Leni: Yeah! All ten of us!

Lucy: Leni, there are eleven of us.

Leni: Oh, that's right. I forgot Marco.

Lincoln: Wait a minute! What about Laney?

Lisa: Out of all of us you scolded. Laney was most devistated. [pointed to Laney lounging on a chair, Lincoln walks toward her]

Lincoln: Laney, I'm sorry I got mad. I guess you're right about our sisters just wanting to summer fun just like us. Can you ever forgive me? [Laney stood silent] Please, Lanes! All this time I've been trying to have a paradise for one. But It's not really a paridise without you, [to the rest of his sisters] without all of you.

Siblings (minus Laney): Awww. [All eyes were on Laney, she stood up and turned to Lincoln smiling at him]

Laney: Cannonball?

Lincoln: CANNONBALL! [the two jumps into the pool and cannonball straight in. What they don't know is that there's a warning label prohibiting cannonballs on the INSIDE of the pool; this unfortunate oversight destroys the pool and ruins their party]

Laney: [reads label] **Warning! No Cannonballs!** Should've seen that coming.

Luna: Whoa, dude...looks like pool's out for summer.

Lori: How we are gonna keep cool now?

Lisa: I'll go get the frozen succotash.

Lincoln: No worries, guys. I got just the thing.

[Everyone is cramped inside Paradise for One, making it paradise for a dozen]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] So, it turns out that a pool, and basically everything awesome in life, is more fun whoever gets to be a part of it.

[Bobby blows his whistle]

Bobby: Fecal incident!

Kids: LOUD FAMILY, OUT!

[All except Lily get out of the pool, making it pretty obvious that Lily was the cause of the fecal incident]

Lily: [giggles in her own paradise for one]


	28. Picture Perfect

**Picture Perfect**

Lincoln: [to the viewers while making something] The key to the perfect anniversary present for your parents is simple: know your audience. And since my folks love what I bring to the table, I make them the same thing every year: this awesome coffee mug! [raises a "coffee mug" which doesn't look complete]

Lori: Coffee mug? I thought it was a paperweight.

Lynn: Paperweight? That thing is definitely a pencil holder.

Laney: Looks like a worn out boot with a handle.

Lisa: Negatory. Clearly it's a bust of German philosopher Immanuel Kant.

Luan: [in her gag glasses] I Kant even tell what it is! [laughs]

Lola: Clearly no one can figure out what that thing is. No wonder Mom and Dad just throw all your old gifts in the attic.

[The girls gasp at what Lola just said and Luna shuts her up]

Lincoln: [flabbergasted] WHAT?!

[The attic. Lincoln is looking around for evidence of what Lola just said.]

Lincoln: Lola must've been messing around with me. Mom and Dad love my paperweights. I mean, coffee mugs. [notices a box] What's this? " **Do not open.** " Okay. [opens it and finds that Lola was telling the truth and gasps] It's true...Mom and Dad do hate my gifts!

[Luna and Lucy are looking at the mug Lincoln worked so hard on]

Luna: If you turn your head to the side and squint, it almost looks like Aunt Shirley.

[An image of Aunt Shirley shows up and a scream of horror is heard upon her appearance.]

Lucy: Or an inflamed liver.

Laney: I really don't see it.

Lori: When he's this pathetic, it takes all the joy out of making fun of him.

Lincoln: [insulted] I CAN HEAR YOU!

Sisters: WE KNOW!

[Lincoln facepalms]

Lincoln: Mom and Dad's anniversary is tomorrow. What am I gonna do?

[He sits down on a box that causes a flash to occur. He examines it and finds Dad's old camera and finds out there's still some film in it.]

Lincoln: Oh, I think an idea's developing! [walks backwards and falls down the stairs] I've figured out the perfect present for Mom and Dad! [holds up camera] Ta-da!

Lana: You're giving them Dad's old camera?

Lola: Wow! You are cheap.

Lincoln: No! Not the camera. A photograph of all of us!

Lori: Why use that old thing when you can just use a cellphone? [holds up her phone]

Lincoln: [defensively] Because that would be like painting the Mona Lisa with a crayon. [Laney is seen drawing the Mona Lisa]

Laney: You can't blame a girl for trying.

Lori: Wow. This may be the year you don't fail miserably and crush Mom and Dad's souls.

Lincoln: [sarcastically] Thank you for the vote of confidence. [confidently] Everyone, to the backyard!

[They head on out]

[The backyard. Lincoln is focusing the camera to make sure everyone, kids and pets, stays perfectly in the frame.]

Lincoln: Okay, that's it. Leni, scooch to the left. [Leni moves to her right which is Lincoln's left] Your other left. [Leni gets it right] Perfect! Someone grab Lily. [Lucy grabs her and puts her back in the frame] Thank you. Good. Just gotta set the timer, and... [sets it and joins the others in the shot] Everybody, say cheese!

Loud Kids: [while holding big smiles] Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

[The camera still hasn't gone off]

Lynn: [holding her smile] When is it gonna flash? My jaw's cramping up!

Loud Kids: ...eeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Lincoln: [holding his smile] Give it a second!

Loud Kids: ...eeeeeeee...

Lori: [gives up] Yeah, I knew he'd blow it. [gets out her phone] Let's do selfies instead.

Leni: [gets out hers] Totes!

Lincoln: No, wait!

[Lori and Leni take a selfie with Lincoln getting caught by the flash and feeling dazed from it]

Lincoln: DOI!

Luan: I nose just what this picture needs. [puts on her gag glasses and laughs]

Lincoln: Come on, Luan. You can't wear those in the photo.

Luan: Oh, don't be such a Groucho. [laughs and squeaks a squeaky cigar]

Laney: [adjusts her hair, she's wearing sunglasses] Lincoln, be honest: do I look better with one ponytail or two?

Lincoln: What are you doing?

Laney: I want to look nice for the picture, what do you think?

Lincoln: I think you should just smile and-

Luna: [with her guitar] What this photo needs are some tunes.

Lincoln: No, no, no, no, no. Photographs don't have-

[Luna plays a loud chord and blows Lincoln away]

Lincoln: -SOUND! [thuds]

Lola: You're ruining the picture! Maybe you should take off that gross hat.

Lana: Maybe you should take off that gross face!

[Lana throws mud at her but Lola ducks and the mud hits Lincoln instead]

Lincoln: [seeing a naked Lily] Lily! Where is your diaper!

[The photo shoot goes out of control with the girls and pets being themselves]

Lincoln: GUYS, PLEASE! CAN WE ALL JUST SETTLE DOWN?!

[The camera takes the picture]

[Lincoln is looking at the photo that was taken with worry]

Lincoln: Look at us. We're like a vision of insanity. I can't give this to Mom and Dad. [holds up the coffee mug] That's worse than Aunt Shirley. Argh! I mean, my coffee mug! I gotta give them a better picture. [gets an idea] The perfect picture! Time for a do-over.

[Lola and Lana's room. Lola has worked on her face]

Lola: Mirror, mirror in my hand. Who's the prettiest in the land?

[Lana emerges from their closet covered in mud]

Lana: Not you, once Mudzilla gets a hold of you!

[Lana roars and Lola reviles in horror. Lincoln sprays Lana with the hose]

Lana: [coughs] Hey! You washed off my mud!

Lola: Ha ha! You got spray-

[Lincoln sprays her too]

Lincoln: Perfect!

Lola: Hey! You washed off my makeup!

Lincoln: Good news, guys! We're taking another family photo!

Twins: But we already did one!

[Lincoln ties up them with the hose and drags them back into the backyard]

Lincoln: Stay right here. And no more mud or makeup.

Twins: WHAT?!

Lincoln: Thank you for understanding.

[The twins pout. Lincoln is talking to Lily]

Lincoln: Look. I'm all about self-expression, but this new picture needs to be perfect, so I'm gonna need you to keep your diaper on. [Lily babbles] Thanks for understanding. [puts her diaper on]

Lily: [takes off diaper and throws it at Lincoln] Poo-poo. [toddles around]

Lincoln: Let's just put a pin in this for now...

[Lisa is working on her studies]

Lisa: If the hypotenuse of a right triangle is the mean proportional between segments, then-

Lincoln: Hey, Lisa! We're doing another family picture. How about we lose the glasses and do something with your hair? [fixes up Lisa's hair in different styles such as a shaggy wild do, an afro, and even a horned style until he settles on her normal style] Or just lose the glasses. [takes her glasses]

Lisa: [blind] But, Lincoln, my astigmatism! [falls down the stairs] It's okay! It's just a hairline fracture!

Leni: Did I hear we're taking more photos? Yay! [her shades drop over her eyes] Uh-oh. Guess we'll have to wait till after the solar eclipse.

[Lincoln just looks exasperated and removes her shades]

Leni: Whoa. You're like a wizard. Or a weatherman.

[Lincoln gets an idea of switching the glasses around and gives Leni Lisa's glasses]

Lincoln: Maybe you should wear these for the picture, Leni. They make you look...um...even smarter than you already are.

Leni: [blind] Wow! Thanks! [falls down the stairs] I'm alright! I landed on Lisa!

Lisa: Okay, now it's a break!

[Lincoln facepalms and drags the two blind opposite minded sisters to the retake]

Lincoln: Okay, just stay here. [heads off]

Leni: But...

Lincoln: Here's some ice packs and a bandage! [tosses them to his blind sisters who are still waiting, unaware of that]

Leni & Lisa: Okay! Throw them!

[Lucy and Lynn's room]

Lincoln: Okay, guys, time to take a new picture.

Lynn: A new picture? No way.

[Lincoln grabs her football and she starts acting like an eager dog]

Lincoln: You ready, Lynn? Fetch, girl!

[Lynn runs on all fours out to the retake. Lincoln tosses her the ball and she catches it in her mouth]

Lincoln: Good, Lynn! Now stay! [turns to Laney] Laney... [sees Laney rooting through her chest]

Laney: Which do you think would look best for the picture? [holds up two costumes: artist and ballerina]

Lincoln: You just need to look like yourself!

Laney: Okay. [Lifts the whole chest and runs downstairs]

Lincoln: Woah! [grabs the chest and sets it down] I said just look like yourself! [locks the chest] Not ten other selves! [holds the key]

Laney: What!? Gimme that key!

Lincoln: You can have it after we do the picture.

Laney: Well good luck doing the picture without me, because I'm not gonna be in it. And there's nothing you can do about it! [cut to Lincoln carrying Laney to the retake, he sets her down by Lynn]

Lincoln: Now stay right there! [runs back to Lynn and Lucy's room, and grabs Lucy's macabre book and holds it with her, escorting her to the retake]

Lucy: [unaware of her surroundings] When did we get grass in our bedroom?

[Luna and Luan's room]

Lincoln: Time to take a new picture!

Luna: Sweet! Let me just grab my axe.

Luan: And I'll get my funny nose and glasses.

[However, they find out that their items are gone]

Luna: Dudes! Where's my axe?

Luan: And where are my glasses?

Lincoln: Uh...silly props are not going to be in this picture. You'll get them back after we get the shot.

Luna: You took our stuff?

Luan: Then we're not gonna be in your picture!

Lincoln: Hmm...sure would be a shame if something happened to your things.

[Luna and Luan strike shocked poses and head to the retake in those exact same poses]

Luna: This picture thing has changed you, dude.

Laney: Tell me about it...

Lori: Which is exactly why I'm not going to be in it.

Lincoln: Which is exactly why I took the liberty of replacing you.

Lori: [angered] You what?!

[The doorbell rings and Lincoln answers it. There's a girl who looks kinda like Lori in a way at the door]

Lincoln: [smugly] Oh, Lori. I believe you know Carol Pingrey. Didn't she beat you out for homecoming queen?

[Lori slams the door on Carol]

Lori: [reluctantly] Let's get this over with...

[The retake. The girls are not happy about going through with this.]

Lincoln: Okay, everyone excited? So am I! [notices Lily wandering around naked] Ah! There you are! [picks her up and tapes her diaper tight] You aren't getting that diaper off now! Okay, pets, move on in!

[Enter the reluctant pets]

Lincoln: Okay, almost there. Just a few more fixes. [takes out a package of marshmallows and takes out two of them] Open up!

[Lola opens her mouth and Lincoln puts them in the gap where her two front teeth would be]

Lincoln: You too!

[Lincoln does the same to Lana as he did to Lola. The twins notice how ridiculous they look with these fillings.]

Twins: [with a lisp] You look thilly!

[Lincoln puts a pacifier with a big smile print onto Lily's mouth]

Lincoln: [coaxing Lynn] Okay, give it here, girl.

[Lynn growls in refusal and Lincoln gives her the "drop it" command and she acquiesces. He then looks at Luna's hair]

Luna: [bitterly] What?

Lincoln: That hair.

Luna: What about it?

[Lincoln puts a big long wild wig on her]

Luna: But this hair isn't me, dude!

Leni: And this glasses isn't I, either.

Lincoln: Trust me. You guys look great. Okay, Lucy, I'm gonna need you to smile.

Lucy: I can't see that happening.

Lisa: I can't see anything happening!

Lincoln: [coaxing Lucy] You know, some folks think taking someone's picture actually steals their soul.

Lucy: Oh?

Lincoln: Yeah! Just think of it. Your soul trapped and tormented inside a camera for all eternity.

[Lucy gives a small smirk]

Lincoln: Close enough. Laney. [Sees Laney frowning] Where's that adorable smile of yours?

Laney: Sorry. I must've left it in my chest!

Lincoln: No problem! [holds out a paper smile and puts it on Laney's face] Okay, I think we're ready. [checks] Hmm...still needs something to pull it all together. I know!

[Everyone is now wearing matching sweaters]

Lincoln: Now this is a perfect picture.

Lori: What was wrong with the other one?

Lincoln: [nervous] Oh, well, uh...it was kinda...you guys were a little...

Lori: [curiously irked] A little what, Lincoln?

Lincoln: ...yourselves?

[The girls are offended by that reason and chastise Lincoln for it]

Lori: So, that's what this is all about! You don't like us the way we are.

Lincoln: [with his tongue tied] Well, I-you see, that is to say-I, uh...

Laney: You didn't like us for who we are so you decided to change it!

Lori: [spiteful] Okay, guys, let's all put on perfect smiles for Lincoln's perfect picture, because heaven forbid we be OUR ACTUAL, LITERAL SELVES!

[The girls put on the supposed smiles Lincoln wanted]

Girls: Cheeeeeeeeee...

Lincoln: [talking over their cheese saying] Lori, I didn't mean... [takes a look at their smiles] Actually, that's pretty perfect.

[They all hold their smiles and the photo is taken]

Lincoln: Thanks so much, guys! I really appreciate your- [sees that his sisters and pets are gone] Guys? Guys? Huh. Guess they must have had something else to do. [Laney walks over to Lincoln]

Laney: Ahem! [Lincoln gives her the key to her chest and storms off]

[Lincoln has gotten the photo framed]

Lincoln: My days of giving lame anniversary presents are over. [notices his sisters tossed all their matching sweaters in the trash but focuses on the photo] Mom and Dad are gonna love this! Look at us. We're like a vision of perfection.

Lola: [having fixed herself up] Mirror, mirror in my hand. Who's the prettiest in the land?

Lana: [covered in mud once again] Not you, after the mud monster gets you!

[Lana roars and Lola screams. But rather than picking on each other, they're treating it like a game. Lincoln looks on and sees how much fun they're having and takes a look at their smiles in the perfect photo.]

Lincoln: [goes inside] Hey, guys! I got the picture framed! [sees Lucy reading her macabre book and looks at her smile in the photo]

[Luan and Lily are playing and laughing together. Lincoln sees them and reflects upon their smiles in the photo. He then sees Luna rocking out and looks back on her smile and wig in the photo. He sees Laney reading and looks at her forced smile in the picture. Lisa is continuing her studies]

Lisa: Computing of the original formulation. Okay, parameters...

[Lincoln sees her studying and recalls how he made her smile and wear Leni's shades. Leni and Lori are taking selfies together and giggling with joy. Lincoln remembers how he made Leni wear Lisa's glasses and what Lori said to him and how she got everyone to wear the fake smiles. Seeing his sisters being happy to be themselves causes him to rethink his decision on the so-called perfect picture.]

[It's their parents' anniversary]

Loud Kids: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

Rita: Thanks, kids.

Lynn Sr.: Ooh. Whose present should we open first?

Lincoln: Mine!

[The girls and pets resent this. Lincoln hands his parents his present.]

Lori: [sarcastic] Oh, come on, girls. Let's all let Lincoln give his perfect little present.

Luan: [just as sarcastic] Yeah. I sure hope it's perfect enough.

[It turns out Lincoln gave his parents the picture from the first take where his sisters are being themselves]

Rita: Oh, Lincoln, this is wonderful! It's the best gift we've ever gotten.

Lynn Sr.: It's going above the mantle right now. [places it there]

[The girls, minus Laney, are confused and unhappy with Lincoln's last-minute decision]

Lola: Lincoln, you bonehead! You gave them the wrong picture!

Lori: Yep! I knew you'd blow this, too.

Laney: He didn't blow it! He used the right picture!

Lincoln: Right as always Lanes. I gave them the right one. The one that shows the real you. The perfect you.

[The girls embrace Lincoln in gratitude and happiness]

Girls: Aww! Thank you, Lincoln!

Lincoln: By the way, you might all wanna put your presents for Mom and Dad in here. [shows them the box the discarded coffee mugs were once in] Since they'll all look super lame next to my awesome gift!

[The girls are taken aback by that comment and start arguing with him, which puts a smile on his face]

Lincoln: Just perfect.

Lily: [throws her diaper at Lincoln] Poo-poo.


	29. Chore and Peace

**Chore and Peace**

[Lincoln is dumping all the trash around the house into a trash bag]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] It's Chore Day at the Loud House, and taking out the trash is my job. And in a family as big as mine, chores can be pretty intense. But we get through 'em because we all do our fair share.

[Leni enters the bathroom, plucks a hair out of the sink, and places it on Lincoln's garbage pile]

Leni: Chores all done! [slams the door making the trash splatter all over Lincoln]

Lincoln: Well, except maybe for Leni. [starts cleaning out the expired and moldy stuff in the fridge and notices Luan and Lynn washing the dishes together] Wait. Two of you do one chore?

Lucy: [closes the fridge door behind Lincoln's back] Three of us.

[Lincoln screams in fear of Lucy and observes Luan who is washing a dish and passes it to Lucy]

Lucy: Sigh. [dries it off with her breath]

Lynn: [catches the plate tossed to her by Luan] Lynn Loud makes a snag! [puts it away] Touchdown!

Lincoln: That doesn't seem very fair.

[Enter Luna with the vacuum]

Luna: Open sesame, bro. [dumps all the dust she vacuumed up into the bag]

Lana: [carrying in the pooper scooper] "Little present from Charles!" [dumps it in] "Special delivery from Cliff!" [dumps it in] "And airmail from Walt!" [catches Walt's incoming dung and tosses it into the trash bag and notices Geo rolling away]

Lincoln: What about Geo?

[The toilet flushes]

Lana: Oh, I taught him to use the toilet.

Lincoln: This isn't a chore for you; it's a hobby.

[Water splashes]

Lana: Uh-oh! Geo fell in again! [busts out a net and runs to his rescue] Hang on, baby! Mama's comin'!

[The basement; Lori and Laney are doing everyone's laundry and Lily is spinning on the top of the dryer; Lori adds the detergent and leaves the machine to do its thing and starts texting on her phone; Lincoln gathers the trash down there and is struggling to get the bag up the stairs since it's gotten so bulky from all the other trash]

Lincoln: Can I get a little help here?

Lori: Can't you see I'm doing the laundry? [laughs] LOL, Bobby!

Laney: [sighs] I'm doing the laundry.

Lincoln: [unable to hold the bag] WHOA! [gets crushed; finally gets the bag out to the curb only to find that the weight from it has torn a hole in it and the trash has been scattered everywhere] Dang it.

[Luna is vacuuming some more and Lincoln unplugs the device]

Luna: Dude, what gives?

Lincoln: Alright, everyone! Listen up! It has come to my attention that I've gotten a raw deal in this house!

Leni: You mean your white hair? It's nice. It makes you look like Pop-Pop.

Lincoln: I'm not talking about our grandfather! I'm talking about my chore! It's way harder than all of yours, and it's not fair!

Laney: Your chore is harder? Do you know how many times I have to cover for HER [points at Lori] when she's doing laundry?

Lori: Be that as it may. Our chores are just as hard as yours, if not harder.

Lincoln: Oh, really? Look at Lisa! What does she even do?

Lisa: [on the line] Uh, hold on, Janice. [puts Janice on hold] I do the bills, Lincoln. [goes back on her call] Now, listen, I want that charge removed, Janice. I don't think anyone in this house bought a car in Saskatchewan.

Lincoln: Well, if you all think your chores are so hard, I'm sure one of you won't mind trading with me.

Lori: No way, Lincoln. There's a very delicate balance in this house, and if we all start trading chores, it will literally open up a can of worms.

Lana: What's so bad about that? Worms rule!

Lincoln: [deterred] Okay then...

[Lincoln starts holding up a sign with a "No Symbol" over a trash can, indicating he's on strike from his chore]

Lincoln: [chanting] One, two, three, four! I won't do your stupid chore!

Lori: What the heck are you doing?

Lincoln: I'm on strike until someone agrees to trade chores with me. [chanting] Five, six, seven, eight! Garbage Day will have to wait!

Lana: What am I supposed to do with all this poop? [holds up several sacks]

Lincoln: [chanting more] Nine, ten, eleven, twelve! Take that poop out by yourself!

Lori: Ugh! Will you stop talking in chants?

Lincoln: [refusing to stop] Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen! [stops] Uh... [tries to think of a rhyme for sixteen as his parents watch]

Laney: See what I'm dealing with here?

Lynn Sr.: Think we should intervene, honey?

Rita: No, not yet. I wanna see what he rhymes with sixteen. Also, maybe we should let the kids handle this themselves. They might learn something.

Lynn Sr.: Good idea. Laney, In case things go wrong, I'm leaving you to watch over your siblings. Okay?

Laney: Yes, dad. [exits]

Lynn Sr.: [busts out a jigsaw puzzle] In the meantime, it's time for ol' Jigsaw Loud to get back in the puzzle game!

Rita: [chuckles] Didn't we agree to never use that name again?

[Lola is practicing her posture with books on her head]

Lola: And that's why I deserve to be the next Cute N' Mean's Beauty Queen. [slips on a banana peel]

Lincoln: [chanting] What do I want? Someone else's chore! When do I want it? Now! What do I want? Someone else's chore! When do I want it? [gets pegged by peel] Ow!

[Laney was walking to the kitchen until she tripped on some garbage bags]

Laney: Oh! Lincoln! Can you get rid of all this trash?

Lincoln: [offscreen] One, two, three, four! I'll pick up your trash no more! [Laney sighs in frustration]

[Chunk is helping Luna with her amps as she rocks on]

Luna: So, what'a ya think, Chunk?

Chunk: It stinks.

Luna: Way harsh, dude.

Chunk: Not the song, your room. Chunk's gotta blow. [leaves]

Lincoln: [chanting] Think it through, don't be rash, trade with me, or live with trash! Think it through, don't be rash, trade with me, or live with- [Luna gets annoyed and tosses her drumsticks at him and he shields himself with his sign] Ha! Missed me!

[Luna tosses the rest of her drum kit at him and gets him this time; Leni is getting ready to take a shower but finds the tub filled with garbage]

Leni: Ew!

Lincoln [faking sympathy] Aw...got a problem?

Leni: Oh, not with you, Pop-Pop.

[Lincoln puts on a hairnet to hide his white hair until further notice]

[The girls are all having a meeting to discuss Lincoln's behavior]

Lola: Princesses cannot live in this filth!

Lana: It's disgusting, and I know disgusting.

Laney: Tell me about it! Look at what stuck to my hair! [A fishbone is stuck to Laney's hair]

Lucy: Ew.

Lori: This can't go on. We have to do something.

[Lincoln overhears this and believes one of them is finally going to agree to trade chores with him]

Lincoln: [chanting] Hey, hey. Ho, ho. Tomorrow I get a brand new Cho...re. Good thing they're giving in. 'Cause I'm all out of rhymes.

[The next morning, Lincoln wakes up and finds out that he has no clean laundry]

Lincoln: Lori, where's all my clean laundry?

Lori: Hm...laundry, laundry...oh! I didn't do it.

Lincoln: And why not?

[Lori holds up a sign with a "No Symbol" over a washing machine, meaning only one thing]

Lincoln: Ha! You're going on strike?

[The other girls hold up signs as well]

Lana: We're all going on strike until you agree to end yours!

Laney: [offscreen] Wait! [runs downstairs and sees the signs] I didn't agree on this!

Lori: Well, this is the only way he will stop his stupid strike. By striking back. That means no laundry, no clean dishes, no vacuuming...

Lisa: ...and no doing the bills. [on her call] Janice, cut the power and the water. We're going off the grid.

Laney: But without all of us doing our parts this house will become a mess! You don't want that do you?

Other Sisters: YES!

Lincoln: Well, good luck! 'Cause I'm not backing down!

Sisters (Minus Laney): NEITHER ARE WE!

Lori: [chanting] One, two, three, four! I won't wash your clothes no more!

Luna: CHORES! HUH! WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR?!

Sisters (Minus Laney): ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! SAY IT AGAIN!

Lynn Sr.: Now should we intervene?

Rita: Oh, no. Let's give the kids a little more time to resolve this on their own. If it gets out of hand, Laney will let us know.

Lynn Sr.: Sweet! Who's up for round two? Jiggy Loud's about to do a pizzy up in this bizzy!

Rita: Uh-uh.

 **THE NEXT DAY**

[Charles licks Lincoln awake and he gets up to find that all his clothes stink, so he applies a garbage bag to wear, where he comes across Lynn kicking something around]

Lincoln: Ew. What is that?

Lynn: Bunch of hair from the sink drain. Makes a great footbag.

Lincoln: [goes to check on Lori] Hey, Lori, now that Lisa stopped back the bills, it must be pretty hard having no cell service.

Lori: Who needs cell service? I found a new way to text Bobby. [holds up Walt in her hands and gives him a message as her text] Fly away, my faithful messenger!

[Walt takes off and smacks into the window, to which Lincoln laughs]

Lori: What? Phones crash all the time. [opens the window and lets Walt fly]

[Lisa and Lily's room]

Lincoln: Pretty messy in here. Must be pretty hard to get any work done.

Lisa: On the contrary. The garbage and my chemicals have fused, creating a scientific breakthrough. I call him Homo Trashilius. Or Trashy for short.

[A living breathing creature made out of trash roars at Lincoln, scaring him off]

Lynn Sr.: Okay, now should we intervene?

Rita: I still think the kids can solve this themselves. Besides the house has...looked worse. [notices Lily crawling around in trash with a chip bag on her head] Aw, come here, sweetie. [picks her up]

Lynn Sr.: Round three with Jiggy P?

[Rita turns it down]

That night, Laney was exhausted walking around the trash-filled house. She went to her room to find it a smelly mess.

Lynn: [kicks around a ball of hair while Laney walks to her bunk] Hey, Lanes. Want in on a game of Hairy Sack?

Laney: Don't talk to me. My feet are killing me after stomping through that sticky pool of maple syrup in the kitchen... [climbs to her bed to find it filled with piles of filth, which horrified her. She tried to pick off a few litter, such as some small brown droplets]

Lynn: Careful, those aren't exactly chocolate truffles! [Laney realized waht they are and gagged]

Laney: [lies down on her bed] Okay, Laney... Just go to sleep, and all of this will cleared up tomorrow. [sleeps]

 **THE NEXT DAY**

[Laney woke up only to discover that her bed was filled to the brim with garbage. Terrified, she escaped and finds her room a bigger mess. She exited and found the hallway an even bigger and smelly mess]

Laney: [terrifed] Ohhh... [she crept through the dark and stinky hallway then she found Lola wearing a toilet paper dress and a banana peel on her head]

Lola: How do I look? [Laney screams and runs] Everybody's a critic...

[Downstairs]

[Lola comes down in her ensemble now covered in trash]

Lola: [singing] 🎶 _Here she is! The next Cute N' Mean!_ 🎶 [poses and farts]

Reporter: Ew! More like Miss Gross N' Gnarly! Interview over!

[The crew leaves]

Lola: NO! [growls at Lincoln] You...THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! [starts chasing Lincoln]

[Lori is watching and laugh at Lincoln's torture; Laney runs in with a pair of gloves on and a mop]

Laney: Please Lori! Before it's too late! Call off this strike and help me clean up!

Lori: Why should I? Been doing wonders for me. [ just then, Clyde enters, happy to see Lori]

Clyde: Lori!

[Lori shrieks in horror to see that Walt sent her text to Clyde instead of Bobby]

Clyde: Walt brought me your text. Usually, I bleed profusely from my nose, turn into a robot, and eventually faint when I'm around you, but this has given me the confidence to say...I LOVE YOU, TOO!

Lori: WHAT?!

Clyde: Don't worry. I already broke the news to Bobby. He took it pretty hard, but a really nice cheerleader is consoling him. [puckers his lips hoping for a kiss]

Lincoln: Phew! Finally lost Lola.

Lori: [enraged] YOU! [chases Lincoln who runs away in panic and is unable to lose her]

Laney: Don't leave me here! [Runs after them, as they approach Lincoln's room, out came Lisa's trash monster that grabs the three]

Lisa: TRASHY! BAD! [realizes she's still on her call] No, no, not you, Janice.

Lincoln: Lisa! What have you been feeding him?

Lisa: His name is Trashy. What do you think, genius?

[Trashy roars voraciously and Lily starts crying off in the distance]

Trashy: Baby?

Lori: Great, Lincoln. You made Lily cry.

[The kids and Trashy check Lily's crib]

Lincoln: There, there. It's okay, Lily. [pulls out the covers only to find that the raccoon is in Lily's crib instead of Lily]

Lana: [catches it] "I'm more than just poop patrol."

[Lana tosses the raccoon at the window which is closed; the raccoon gets frustrated and opens it up and leaves]

Lincoln: Guys, if the raccoon was in the crib...then where's Lily?

[The girls and Trashy gasp and everyone starts searching for her]

Kids: LILY!

Lincoln: She's in here somewhere!

Lucy: We'll never find her in this mess.

Laney: I know how we can find her! And If you're all willing to stop acting like slobs you'll join me!

Lincoln: She's right! We have to clean up! [holds up sign] I declare this strike officially over! [breaks it and gets a splinter] Ow! Who's with me?

Sisters: WE ARE! [break their signs]

Lisa: [calls Janice] Janice, how soon can we get back on the grid? 24 hours? What if I throw in a muffin basket?

[Soon the power was back on and the kids began searching Lily in their junkyard of a house]

Lincoln: Come on! You gotta be around here somewhere!

[They hear Lily making noises and it sounds like it's coming from the kitchen]

Lincoln: Hang on, Lily! Your big brother's coming! [searches around as fast he can]

Lucy: [interrupts him] There's a better way.

Luan: Wash and learn! [laughs and starts doing the dishes at breakneck speed]

Lucy: Sigh. [dries it with her breath]

[Lynn is still trapped in her hairy footbag and Luna vacuums it up and sets her free; Lynn catches all incoming plates and Lincoln checks the basement]

Lincoln: Hang on, Lily! I'm coming! [dives into a laundry pile stacked up high but starts to drown] So...much...underwear!

Lori: [saves him] Yeah, and that's just Dad's. Now get outta my way, little bro. We've got a system. [Laney started folding the laundry and Lori starts washing them, as she folds all the clean underwear Clyde pops in from the hamper]

Clyde: Hey, sugar lips. Should our couple name be "Clori" or "Llyde"?

Lori: Bobby and I are back together.

[This breaking news causes Clyde to lose his confidence and do what he usually does when he sees Lori]

Clyde: [gets a nosebleed; starts acting like a robot] ABORT. ABORT. [faints]

Laney: [comes in with one last load] Clyde be a dear and pass me the fabric softener. [Clyde hands Laney the fabric softener] Merci.

[Everyone is doing their best to clean house and find Lily, but to no avail on the latter]

Lana: Poop patrol is done, but no Lily!

Lola: Beds are made, no Lily!

Trashy: [checks under the sofa] No baby!

Lola: "Maybe she's under all this trash!

Lincoln: Step aside! [gets out a trash bag] Taking out the trash...is my job.

[Lincoln eyes Trashy who gulps and takes all the trash out]

Lori: Well, we've all done our chores, and there's still no Lily.

Lincoln: [guilty] This is all my fault! For the rest of my life... [familiar giggling] ...I'll be haunted by the sound of her adorable giggling!

Rita: Lincoln, what are you crying about?

Lincoln: Mom, I confess! We lost- [surprised]... Lily? Have you guys had her this whole time?

Rita: [holding Lily in her arms] Of course. You didn't think we'd leave her in that mess, did you?

Laney: Oh thank goodness! [runs up to hug her parents]

Lynn Sr.: You know, we're proud of you guys for working this out. Now, who wants to a puzzle with J to the Iggy?

Kids: Who?

[Later on, Lincoln, while wearing his normal clothes again walks outside with his sign]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] When it comes to chores, nobody in the Loud House has it easy. The truth is, we all do our fair share. [feeds his strike sign to Trashy]

Mr. Grouse: Hey, Loud! Don't bother! There's no trash pickup this week! The garbage workers are striking for more money!

Lincoln: Wait! They get paid to take out the trash?!

[The kids are now back on strike demanding an allowance for their chores]

Kids: [chanting] ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! GIVE US CASH OR NO MORE CHORES!

Rita: Any ideas, J Pizzy?

Lynn Sr.: Now this is a puzzle. [giddy] Can you call me that again?

Rita: J Pizzy.

Lynn Sr.: YES!


	30. HIATUS NOTE

**My dearest fans, thank you for supporting me as I write this story. But I'm afraid my regular weekend morning updates will be delayed for a little while. For you see times here have gotten tougher. I'm running low on inspiration and my mother forbids me to be on my laptop while she's away at work. And so, to make sure I don't make these problems any worse, I hereby put this story on hiatus until either I get out of this writer's block, my mom can trust me to leave me with my computer again, or I see more of season 2 of The Loud House, whichever comes last. I hope you can understand what I'm going through right now.**

 **\- Kinghammer**


	31. Raw Deal

**Hey folks! I'm back! Didn't think it would be this soon huh? Well I just had some ideas from my biggest fan JujuGamer2112.** **And now I'm re-inspired to do more episodes and move on up to Season 2. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Raw Deal**

[The episode begins with the Loud Family on a road trip]

Lana: Dad, are we there yet?

Lynn Sr.: Not yet, kiddo. A few more hours.

Lana: Oh, okay. [beat] Are we there yet?

[Lincoln is looking at a guidebook of the place the family's visiting]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Today, we're going to Grand Venture State Park, and it's gonna be awesome! We're gonna hike, and fish, and check out the caves...

Leni: And I can't wait to see Pop-Pop!

[Her siblings look at her confused]

Leni: The guidebook said there was an old geezer in the park.

Lincoln: Geyser, not geezer. See? Here it is. [shows her the geyser in the guidebook]

Luna: I hope we get to see it blow. That would be rockin'!

Lisa: I wouldn't hold my breath. It's been inactive for years.

Leni: So, it is like Pop-Pop.

Lana: Now are we there yet?

Lynn Sr.: Lana, stop asking.

Lana: Well, Hops is asking, not me!

Lola: [struggling with the seat belt] This seat belt is wrinkling my dress!

Rita: Why don't you guys play some car games?

Lynn: How about Football? I'll be the QB. Hike! [tosses her ball in the car, causing it to nearly rear off-road and make her family scream in panic]

Rita: How about something a little less dangerous?

Laney: How about we play I Spy? I'll go first, I spy with my little eye, something that is brown and oval-y...

Lynn: My football! Pass it here Lanes! I'm open! [Laney sighs]

Lucy: I have a new deck of fortune telling cards. I could give everybody readings. [shuffles the cards]

[Her siblings agree to that and want their fortunes told. She puts on a turban as the background changes to a spacial setting]

Lucy's Siblings: Me first! / Over here, Lucy!

Lucy: It's Madame Lucy.

Lucy's Siblings: Ooh!

[The cards are dealt. The first card shows a galleon sailing on the ocean]

Lucy: Lori, you will go on a long trip.

Lori: [excited] Ooh. Maybe Bobby's taking me to Italy! He is working at that pizza place.

[The next card shows a castle door opening up to planets in the night sky]

Lucy: Lola, the universe will open doors for you.

Lola: [scoffing] Ha. Tell me something I don't know.

[The next card shows a knight on his steed facing strong winds]

Lucy: Luan, you will soon be blown away.

Luan: How fortunate! [laughs as her siblings groan at her joke]

Lynn Sr.: [laughing] Good one!

[Lynn throws her Football at Luan for that one]

Luan: [still laughing] Ow!

[the next card shows a twinking star]

Lucy: Laney, you will encounter something that will change your life forever.

Laney: Really? What is it? Is it good?

Lisa: [disbelieving] Poppycock. Could these predictions be anymore non-specific?

[The next card shows a wizard with a crystal ball]

Lucy: Lisa, you will make an amazing scientific discovery before entering the park today. Is that specific enough for you?

Lisa: Specific, yes. Plausible, no. As a woman of science, I cannot take any of this seriously.

Lucy: Well, the cards don't lie. Last but not least: Lincoln. [draws the card and gasps at what she sees]

Lincoln: [concerned] What? What does it say?

Lucy: [changing the subject] So, uh, who wants to play football? [grins casually]

Lincoln: [desperate] Lucy, come on! Tell me!

Lucy: Fine. Your day at the park will end in... [reveals the card to show the grim reaper] ...tragedy.

[A suspenseful music sting plays for the card as Lynn Sr. is looking through the radio]

Lynn Sr.: Ooh, a radio station of music stings! Neato-burrito!

[The music sting plays again as Lincoln worries about his fortune]

[The family stops at Ed's Gas Snack]

Lynn Sr.: Okay, kids, ten minutes for bathroom and snacks. If you miss the cut-off, I can't promise I'll still be here.

[Lincoln's sisters get out of the car, but he closes the door, much to Lisa's disbelief]

Lisa: Aren't you coming?

Lincoln: Nope. I'm staying right here.

Lisa: Oh, you're not worried about Lucy's silly predictions, are you?

[Lori accidentally steps on an oil slick, slips out of control while screaming and crashes into the trash]

Lori: That was literally embarrassing.

Lucy: It was also literally your fortune. "You will go on on a long trip".

[Lincoln gasps at this fact]

Lori: [sighs in disappointment] So, I'm not going to Italy?

Lisa: Relax, Lincoln. It's just a coincidence.

Laney: Here, Lincoln. You can hold my hand.

[Lincoln gets out and hears Luan giggling]

Luan: Let me know if you get tired, Dad.

Lynn Sr.: Good one, honey. That's why you're my air. [hits Luan with a jet of air that sends her flying into a bunch of tires] Oh, sorry, sweetie. Your dad's just an air-head.

[They laugh as the other kids look on apathetically]

Lucy: [appearing next to them and startling them] Fortune number two: "You will soon be blown away".

[All except Lisa gasp in astonishment. The rest of the girls except Lisa head into the mini-mart while Lincoln shakes in panic]

Lisa: More like coincidence number two.

Lucy: We will see.

[As the rest head in, a charming man named Mr. Universe opens the door for Lola]

Lola: [curtsies for him] Oh, thank you, Mr. Universe. [realizes a few seconds later] AGH! THE UNIVERSE JUST OPENED DOORS FOR ME!

[The others gasp again]

Lucy: And...that's number three.

Lincoln: Lisa!

Lisa: Eh. Pure happenstance.

[Inside the restroom, there's a long line for the ladies' room]

Lynn: [rushing to the door] Gotta go! Gotta go!

Twins: Back of the line, sister! [point to the back]

Lynn: [runs to the back] I CAN'T WAIT THIS LONG! [starts doing jumping jacks] Don't gotta go. Don't gotta go.

Leni: [holding a pair of pink boots with bows] OMG! These boots are totes adorbs!

Lana: [comes out of restroom] Ha! I found a dollar in the toilet!

Lucy: Just like I predicted. [reveals the next card which is an hourglass] Lynn, your patience will be tested. [reveals the next card which shows arrows piercing a heart] Leni, you will fall in love. [reveals the next card showing a bunch of coins] Lana, you will become filthy rich.

[The three gasp in shock]

Lucy: What can I say? The cards don't lie.

[Lincoln whimpers in fear and runs up to the cashier]

Lincoln: Excuse me. Where are your first aid kits?

Laney: I'm pretty sure it's nothing to worry about.

Lisa: Correct, Laney. [points to Lynn] That is a coincidence. [points to Leni] That's hyperbole. [points to Lana] And that's gross exaggeration. Filthy, yes. Rich, no.

Lana: Ugh. It's about quality, not quantity!

Luna: Oh yeah! The vending machine gave me an extra bag of chips! The best things in life are free, bros! [opens a bag and wolfs down some chips]

Lucy: [shows a card with two people holding chalices] You will be rewarded double.

[Lincoln panics more and is now in the car wearing a biking helmet, a chest plate, an athletic cup, and a gas mask which he is breathing heavily into]

Lisa: Oh, Lincoln, please. You're embarrassing yourself.

Lincoln: [muffled] I'm just being sensible.

[Lisa takes the mask off him]

Lincoln: I'm just being sensible. Lucy said my day would end in tragedy, and all her other predictions have come true.

Laney: But my prediction hasn't came true.

Lisa: Neither did mine. I haven't made any scientific discoveries yet.

Lincoln: [realizing] Wait a minute. That's true!

Lynn Sr.: Alright, kiddos, welcome to Grand Venture State Park!

Lincoln: [herding his sisters] Let's go, people! Move it! Move it! [pushes them]

Lola: Lincoln, why are you pushing us?

Lori: Yeah. What's the rush? We are literally the only people here.

Lincoln: If we can get in the park before Lisa makes any discoveries, and Laney sees that life changing thing, that means Lucy's predictions are bogus and I'm home free. [pushes them in] Yes! We made it! [takes off his protective gear and starts dancing] Science: 1, medieval hocus pocus: 0. Right, Lis? [notices she's not with them] Lis? [sees her coming] Lisa, hurry up! Get in here!

Lisa: Sorry. I had to finish that chapter.

[Just then, a giant egg drops right between them and hatches]

Lisa: [gasps] Sweet mother of scientific discoveries! It's an owl with deer antlers!

Laney: Wow, it's so cute! [Lincoln screams in horror and goes into a daze]

Lisa: Lucy, I concede that your psychic predictions are uncannily accurate. And now, I'm off to show this fascinating creature to the park ranger. See you later, Lincoln! Well, maybe not.

[The suspenseful sting plays again as Lincoln awaits his fate]

Lynn Sr.: Yes! I can get the music sting station on my phone!

[The family heads toward the caves]

Lynn Sr.: All right, gang. First stop is the Grand Stalactite Caverns.

Lucy: Ooh. If it's dark, I'm in.

Lincoln: Ooh. If it's dark, I'm out.

Rita: Lincoln, you've been looking forward to this trip for months. Don't you wanna check out the caverns?

Lincoln: And get impaled by a stalactite?

Rita: Are you really gonna let a silly prediction ruin your fun?

Lincoln: Yes, I am. I'm gonna stay right here, where it's nice and safe. [notices Laney is joining the others] Wait! Laney! A-Are'nt you going to stay here and... keep me company?

Laney: Sorry, Lincoln. But, I too have been wanting to go to this place for months. I can't ditch that because of your paranoia.

Lincoln: But aren't you afraid of dark spooky caverns?

Laney: Well yes, but I've been preparing for these kind of occasions and brought this headlight. [puts on the headlight]

Lynn Sr: Laney! Catch up or we're leaving you behind.

Laney: Gotta go! [runs into the cave]

Lincoln: Wait! [Sometime later, some screeching is heard] KILLER BATS! [Some butterflies fly out] Oh. They're just butterflies. Who are probably fleeing from killer bats! [runs off screaming]

[Lisa is showing this new species of owl to the park ranger]

Lisa: I call it the "Dowl".

Ranger: Remarkable. I'll arrange a press conference immediately. Lucky for us, I always carry bunting. [holds up the bunting]

[The family is swimming at the lake]

Lynn Sr.: Ah, Grand Sparkling Lake.

Lynn: CANNONBALL! [cannonballs into the lake with a huge splash]

Lynn Sr.: Watch it, Lynn! You'll ruin the Grand Venture guide!

Lana: Come on in, Lincoln! We got the whole lake to ourselves!

Lincoln: [on the dock] Yeah, right. So I can get eaten by a piranha? Or zapped by an eel? Or attacked by a swamp creature?

Lola: Don't be a dope. There's no such thing.

[Lynn Sr. emerges from the lake covered in algae]

Lincoln: [screaming] IT'S HIM! [swings a branch at him] Back, you hideous beast!

Lynn Sr.: [removing the algae] Hey, hey, hey! I didn't pick out these shorts! Your mother did! Huh.

[Now they're visiting a gorge]

Lynn Sr.: Presenting Grand Vista Gorge. The most beautiful view north of the Rio Grande.

Luan: Beautiful? Don't you mean GORGE-ous? [laughs]

Laney: Wow, this is wonderful. [to Lucy] Perhaps this is what you mean by me seeing something that will change my life?

Lucy: Nope.

Laney: Really? Cause I think this is a life changing experience.

Lucy: This isn't the fate the cards chose for you.

Laney: Well what IS the fate they chose me?

Lucy: I can't tell you, you'll just have to find out like Lincoln.

Rita: Speaking of Lincoln, have any of you seen your brother?

[Lynn runs to the side of the gorge and notices Lincoln inching his way up the trail]

Lincoln: [frantic] Oh. Are those fire ants? Uh, that could be quicksand. Yikes! I'm pretty sure that's poison ivy.

Lynn: LINCOLN! GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE!

[Her voice echoes]

Lincoln: [softly] Shh! You wanna cause an avalanche?

Lynn: WHAT?!

[A rumbling sound is heard, but it's just a small leaf swaying to the ground]

Lynn Sr.: Next stop, Grand Current River.

[The family is fishing]

Luna: Who, little dudette, hook me up with another worm.

Lana: [eating the worms] Sorry. All out.

Rita: Lincoln, you should join us.

Lincoln: [hiding under the canoe] Yeah, right! And get swept down the river? Or contract a deadly parasite? Or slip on a rock, bang my head, get amnesia, and wind up in Tijuana? I don't think so! [goes back to hiding]

Laney: Is it me, or is Lincoln taking his prediction too seriously?

[The family is having a picnic]

Lana: [patting her belly] Ugh. I wish I hadn't filled up on worms.

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, are you sure you won't join us?

Lincoln: [in the picnic basket] Yeah, right! And attract bears with the smell of the burgers? I don't think so! [goes back to hiding]

Laney: Okay, now you're being ridiculous. [walks to Lincoln] Get out of there!

Lincoln: No!

Lori: I think bears also like the potato salad in that basket.

[Lori's words causes Lincoln to come out of the basket yelping and run to a field]

Lincoln: I'll just stand in this field. [frantic] Wait. Then I could get struck by lightning. Maybe I'll be safe in that log. [hides in said log] But there could be rabid beavers! [gets out of the log] Back to the picnic basket! [about to get back in] No! Wait! The bears! [trips]

Lynn Sr.: Ah, what a day. Grand Venture State Park, you always know how to show us a grand time.

Lincoln: [heading for the exit] This is great. I may actually get out of here alive.

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, where are you going? We've got Lisa's press conference.

Lincoln: You guys go without me. The flash from the cameras could blind me.[His dad grabs his arm and takes him to the conference, where Lisa is about to announce her latest discovery]

Lisa: [at podium] Members of the press, I have made a discovery that will forever alter our understanding of the animal kingdom. I give you... [reveals Down] ...the Dowl! Or Loudicus Lisa, if you prefer.

[The rest of her family and the press are amazed while Lincoln flinches and screams at the flash of the cameras]

Lisa: As you can see, the antlers of the Dowl are...

[Suddenly, the little bird shakes off the antlers and Lisa makes another discovery, one not so scientific]

Lisa: ... **Made in China**?

Laney: What?

[The ranger does a spit take]

Ranger: Excuse me. I just remembered I, uh...left the iron on in the ranger station. Forest fires are no joke. [proceeds to leave]

Lisa: [stopping him] Hold it right there, bub! What gives?

Ranger: [sighs] Okay. I concocted the whole thing. I bought the antlers at a yard sale and glued them on the owl.

Lisa: [livid] You think science is some sort of a joke?

Ranger: No. It's just that ever since the geyser stopped erupting, no one comes to the park anymore. I thought a little publicity would bring people back.

[Lisa goes back to the podium]

Lisa: My apologies to you all. Obviously, the Dowl is a fake.

Lincoln: A fake? [gasps] So Lucy's prediction for you wasn't true!

Lisa: That is a logical conclusion.

Lincoln: Which means mine wasn't true either!

Lisa: Second logical conclusion.

Lincoln: I ruined my whole day for no reason.

Lisa: Thrice, a logical conclusion.

Laney: And that means... my prediction won't come true.

[The family's getting ready to go home]

Lynn Sr.: Okay, kids, you have five minutes to get in the car. And if you miss the cut-off, no guarantees.

Laney: I can't believe Lucy's prediction on me didn't come true. Guess my life is meant to stay the same.

Lincoln: [disappointed] Sorry Lanes, I guess there's a lesson here. You can't live your life in fear, or you'll miss out on it. And that would be a tragedy.

[Before they head to the car, the ground starts shaking and there's a rumbling sound. Lincoln and Laney rush and sees something amazing]

Lincoln: It's the geyser! Whoa!

Laney: It's errupting! And... it's beautiful. [Lincoln and Laney look on to see the geyser's majestic eruption in awe.] This is really a life changer... [gasps] My prediction! It came true! [All of a sudden, the car's horn honks and the rest is leaving without the two]

Lincoln: He really is leaving me behind.

Laney: What, you think he was kidding?

Lincoln: I always thought that was an empty threat. [chases after them] GUYS! WAIT!

Laney: Wait for me! [follows Lincoln]

Lincoln: [jubilant] Guys! Guys! You won't believe what happened! I just saw the geyser go off!

[His sisters are getting some sleep after a fun day]

Leni: [groggily] Ugh. Lincoln, you told me Pop-Pop wasn't gonna be here.

Lincoln: Leni, it's not... Laney! You can tell them that... [Sees Laney is already fast asleep] Never mind. This turned out to be the best day ever. [goes to sleep for the ride home]

Lisa: Well, Lucy, I guess you'll be throwing out those silly cards now that you've been completely discredited.

Lucy: WRONG. I can prove fortune telling is real with one last prediction." [draws one more card] "The end is near.

Lisa: Oh, please. Give me a-

[Cuts Lisa's line off to show an end card in the style of Lucy's fortune telling cards with a Dowl on it appears]

 **THE END**

Lucy: Told ya. The cards don't lie.


	32. April Fools Rules

**April Fools Rules**

Lincoln: [marks April 1st on his calendar; to the viewers] Tomorrow is April Fools' Day. Every year my sister Luan creates a prank apocalypse and no one is spared! I present to you Luan Loud's April Fools' Highlight Reel.

[He begins showing a montage of Luan's April Fools' Day pranks on the Loud Family. First, the siblings are looking at their furniture, which is tacked upside down to the ceiling]

Luan: I'd say this prank's a little over your head! [laughs]

[Now they open the door to find the room full of chickens]

Luan: Seems to be your clucky day! [laughs]

[Now the kids are looking at their house all wrapped up in wrapping paper]

Luan: [rips through a window] I guess that's a wrap! [laughs]

[Now the siblings are trapped in a humongous gelatin]

Luan: Aww, look at the Loud Family gettin' jiggly with it! [laughs]

[The pets' fur and Walt's feathers got shaved off]

Luan: [holding a buzz shaver] I shaved the best for last! [laughs]

[The video ends]

Lincoln: See what I mean? Nobody's safe from that evil pranking genius. But this year's gonna be different. Luan is not gonna prank me! Because I've got an April Fool proof plan. [towards his door] You're not the only one who can make a pun, Luan! [opens his door to reveal Lily wearing a watermelon helmet and diaper, Lynn putting on padding, Lola coating herself and Lana in bubble-wrap]

Lana: Bubble-wrap me next!

Lucy: [enters with her head inside a gargoyle head] I need more armor.

Laney: [searches in her backpack] Okay, helmets: check. Cleaning supplies: check. Protected padding: check.

Lynn: [as Lisa enters in army gear] Where's my helmet!?

Lori: [talking on her smartphone] Bobby, we have to cancel all our plans in April. [Bobby asks why] Because Luan might shave my eyebrows off again! And it takes a month for them to grow back.

Luna: [following Lisa] C'mon Lisa! Let me hunker in your bunker!

Lisa: You should've been more prepared. We'd known this storm was coming for 364 days.

Luna: [dropping to her knees] PLEASE! GIVE ME SHELTER!

[Lincoln walks by whistling when Lola dashes out in front of him]

Lola: Arms up, Lincoln! Your turn for bubble-wrap.

Lincoln: [puts his hand in front of Lola] Not this year, Lola. I'm not getting pranked.

[Loud girls chatter]

Lola: It's never been done!

Lynn: Are you crazy?

Laney: Don't be a fool! No one is safe from Luan's pranks!

Lincoln: Ladies! Ladies! I got a plan! I'm simply gonna lock myself in my room till the day's over. I've got snacks, video games and a hose to pee in, which I call the Tinkle Tube. Patent pending.

Lori, Leni, Luna, Laney, Lynn, Lucy, Lola and Lily: Ew!

Lana: Cool!

Lincoln: [points to his window] It goes out the window! The point is, I'll never have to leave my room so Luan will never get me.

Laney: But what If she pranks you from in your room?

Lincoln: How can she do that?

Laney: Never question Luan's dark arts of practical jokes. [the kids were frightened by the sound of a sausage hitting the stair rails] She's here... [The siblings look frightened as Luan comes upstairs while holding a sausage]

Luan: Ooh! It's Pranksmas Eve...and I'm just bubbling with excitement. [pops a piece of Lola's bubble wrap and walks away]

Lola: I'm gonna need more bubble wrap! And a fresh pair of undies.

Lincoln: Thanks for the lumber, Lana! I'll return it on April 2nd. [walks away with lumber]

Lana: Mahogany was a good choice. That'll hold nicely.

[Lincoln closes his door, uses the drill to seal the nails and Mahogany on it, then puts a chair by the doorknob.]

Lincoln: [takes out his radio] Clyde, wanna hang out tomorrow? I built us a fortress with snacks, games and a Tinkle Tube. Patent pending.

Clyde: On Pranksgiving? No way! Not after what happened last year.

[flashback to what happened during the past April Fools Day where Clyde steps on a rope as one of Luan's prank traps. Water sprays on his face and he is covered in hay. Luan's laughing can be heard. Then, a flock of crows come to attack him as he screams. End flashback as Clyde looks a little scared.]

Lincoln: But nothing's gonna happen this year. I've got an April Foolproof plan. [ringtone sounds] Hang on Clyde, Ronnie Anne just texted me. [checks his phone] She said she's coming over tomorrow with a present for me. [gasps] She can't come over tomorrow! She'll get nailed by Luan's pranks and then pulverize me!

Clyde: Just tell her to come over another day.

Lincoln: I can't do that! That will definitely get me pulverized!

Clyde: You gotta get Luan to call off Prankapalooza. Appeal to her humanity. Beg if you have to!

Lincoln: Good idea! Just as soon as I get the Mahogany off the door!

[Lincoln tries pulling it off and goes in Luna and Luan's room, he arrives and Luan turns around in a Jester chair to face Lincoln while she has Cliff on her lap]

Lincoln: Luan! You gotta call off Prankageddon! Please! Ronnie Anne is coming over tomorrow and I can't let her get pranked!

Luan: Okay.

Lincoln: Really! Wow that was easier than I...

Luan: APRIL FOOLS PRACTICE! Lincoln, you know the April Fools Rules. Anyone who sets foot on our property is fair game. Speaking of which, is Clyde coming over? 'Cause I'd love to just say HAY! [chuckles insanely]

[Lincoln storms back to his room, puts the Mahogany back on his door and calls Clyde]

Lincoln: Clyde! Pleading with Luan did not work! She's an animal! [hears a cat noise] What was that?

Clyde: Oh, that's Cleopawtra. She's been feisty lately so we put her in a timeout crate.

Lincoln: Timeout crate. That's it! [runs away to brainstorm his idea and tries to pull the Mahogany off the door] Why did I choose Mahogany?

[At the basement, Lincoln flicks the lamp on.]

Lincoln: [to his sisters who are not Luan] Okay, we're all here? Good! So, about Luan...

Lola: Shh! She's got ears everywhere! [turns on the washing machine] I saw this in a mob movie once. She won't hear us over the noise.

Lincoln: We all know tomorrow is going to be awful. But it doesn't have to be. If we combine forces, we can prevent Luan from setting up any pranks in the first place.

Lynn: Uhhh, how exactly are we gonna do that?

Lincoln: Laney, you have prepared for every prank Luan can think of every year right? Do you have anything for containment. [Laney is seen rummaging through her supplies]

Laney: Sure. I think it's next to the insect repellant.

Lincoln: Great! Now let me tell you my plan.

Lisa: Better make it snappy. We're almost done with the spin cycle.

[Later that night in Luna and Luan's room, Luan is snoring. Luna then gets up and gives a bird-like call. Everyone then enters the room. Luan then opens her eyes as her siblings tied her down, trapped her in a cage, and keeping her fingers together with Chinese finger traps.]

Luan: [enraged] LET ME OUT OF HERE!

Lincoln: Okay.

Luan: Really? Wow! That was easier than I...

Lincoln: APRIL FOOLS! We aren't letting you out until April 2nd! [The other sisters begin to cheer]

Lynn: That was a crate plan, Lincoln! [The siblings laugh during a rimshot]

Lori: I've been crating for this moment all my life! [The siblings laugh again]

Lana: Well, better crate than never! [The siblings laugh again]

Laney: That was off the chain! [The siblings laugh again]

Leni: You're in a crate! [The other siblings don't seem to get it.] Get it?

Lincoln: Maybe we should just go to bed.

[The next day, Luna is heard screaming. The cage is now broken, meaning that Luan just escaped.]

Lola: [panicked] We're doomed! Luan escaped, and now she's gonna be mad!

Lincoln: How could this have happened?!

Luna: She's a black magic woman, dude!

Lincoln: [holds up a loose chain] I gotta get my money back for these.

[As Lincoln pulls the chain, it sets up a bucket full of honey that spills on him, followed by a blast of feathers while the sisters gasp in surprise]

Laney: It begins...

Lisa: Peace out. I'll be in my bunker. [dashes off]

Lincoln: Everyone else to my room! We'll be safe there.

[As the siblings runs towards Lincoln's room, their parents shows up by the stairs. Rita is wearing a padded gear while Lynn Sr. is wearing bubble wrap]

Lynn Sr.: What's all this ruckus about?

Lori: Luan's on the loose! TAKE COVER!

Rita: But we thought you locked her up!

Lynn Sr.: Plan B! RETREAT! RETREAT! [he and Rita run back downstairs]

Lincoln: [ringtone sounds as he checks his phone] Oh no! Ronnie Anne's on her way? Could this day get any worse? [He bangs his head on the wall. A rope on the wall is attached to the vacuum cleaner that's taped on the ceiling and its bag opens up to drop dust on Lincoln.] Well, that's my answer. But on the plus side, that's one less prank Ronnie Anne could suffer. [gets an idea] That's it! If I set off all the pranks in the house, there won't be any left for her.

Lynn: Lincoln! It's not safe out there!

Lincoln: Save yourselves! I got a job to do.

Lucy: Don't worry, Lincoln, I'll plan your funeral.

Laney: Wait! [All eyes were on Laney] I'm comimng with you.

Lori: Laney! Don't be a fool! You won't stand a chance out there!

Laney: Yes I will! Because I have prepared for every last prctical joke Luan has concocted for this day. I have the wits to protect Lincoln, and do what we should've done years ago. And stop Luan's reign of terror!

Lola: Laney, you're a brave soul. I'm gonna miss you.

Lucy: I'll plan both your funerals. [The sisters close Lincoln's bedroom door and puts Mahogany on it. Lincoln puts on a helmet and takes out the house map and circles kitchen]

Lincoln: We'll start by de-pranking the kitchen.

[Lincoln and Laney go downstairs and look at a sign that says "Kitchen this way" while it points the open front door.]

Lincoln: Kitchen this way? Ha! Does she think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?

Laney: No, but she knows who is. [Lincoln takes the original route and goes into the kitchen and finds grease on the floor]

Lincoln: Well, here goes nothing. [Lincoln cautiously walks on the grease trap czausing a boot contraption to kick him into the fridge while a box falls on his head. As he gets up, he slips on the grease, opens the fridge door, and is socked right in the face by a boxing glove on a spring. The force of impact propels him into the stove.] OW!

[His helmet breaks apart, and a bunch of vicious raccoons pop out of the stove and attack Lincoln as he screams in pain]

Luan: [popping in from the other room] I made that dish from scratch! [laughs]

Laney: [whistles, attracting the attention of the raccoons] Come and get it! [holds out a steak and lures the raccons out of the house. Lincoln gives her a thumbs up]

[In the backyard, the Loud siblings' parents are at Lisa's shelter]

Rita: [As Lynn Sr. knocks on the shelter] Lisa Marie Loud! Let us in!

Lisa: I'll need some of your assurances in return! One, I will never again be punished for the explosions in or around the house!

Luan: [with a pile of Lily's stinky diapers] Happy April Stools! [She prepares to aim one with a slingshot towards her parents]

Rita: Are those diapers? She wouldn't!

Lynn Sr.: [frantically pounds the shelter] Whatever you want! Just let us in!

Lisa: [opens the shelter while holding a contract] Sign here, here and initials here.

[After the parents sign their names, they hide while Luan shoots diapers at them]

Lincoln: [looks at the map and finds a flying flour in the bathroom and screams] Ha! [He catches it, but the flour has a timer to explode] Uh oh!

Laney: I got it! [Laney grabs the flour but it explodes on both of them before she could throw it away. She and Lincoln coughed as Lincoln finds sink to turn it on, but the water splashes him]

Lincoln: Towel! Towel! Towel! Where's the towel?

Laney: [Blindly finds a raccoon and gives it to Lincoln] Here! [Lincoln wipes himself with the raccoon but after he opens his eyes, he finds out he has one and screams as he and Laney run away from it]

Luan: Don't give up. No one likes a critter. [chuckles]

Laney: I'm not giving up yet! [Laney follows Lincoln to the living room]

[In Lincoln's room]

Lori: I think if we ration the food, we should be okay.

Lana: What does "ration" mean? [eats a bag of chips and drinks apple juice. The others glare at her.]

Lola: [scoffs] Typical. Now someone has to go into the kitchen for more supplies.

[Lori, Leni, Luna, Lynn, and Lucy all talk at once]

Lana: [gasps] Let's draw straws!

Leni [sighs] I'll just go. I know I'm gonna lose. I'm a terrible artist.

Lucy: Actually, that's not what-

Lola: [covers Lucy's mouth] Good luck, Leni! [She and the other girls shove Leni out of Lincoln's room and put the Mahogany back on the door]

Leni: [makes it downstairs and finds a sign that says "Kitchen this way" and reads it] Kitchen this way? Oh. Thank you, sign. [finds another sign that says the same thing] Thank you, sign! [finds another sign] Thank you, sign! Thank you, sign!

[She keeps following them into the town]

[In the living room]

Lincoln: [looks at map] Okay. Living room. So far, so good.

[then a red line comes when Lincoln crosses it and a projecter is switched on, showing an embarrassing video of Lincoln kissing a balloon with a face on it while Clyde is beside him]

Lincoln: I think this is how you kiss a girl. [kisses Edwin balloon]

Clyde: Don't hold back, Lincoln. Girls like a guy with passion!

[Lincoln kisses the balloon and it pops. The video loops.]

Laney: [snickers, Lincoln gives her a sour look and stops] Um...

Lincoln: I can't let Ronnie Anne see this. [goes on the couch] Stop! Stop!

Laney: Lincoln, no! [Lincoln tries to stop the film, but the couch has a spring and he goes up the ceiling and gets stuck by sticky flypapers. He falls down to the couch and goes back up]

Luan: Looks like spring is in the air. [chuckles]

Laney: Get out of here!

Lincoln: [looks at the map] Just got to finish the bedrooms! Laney, you take downstairs.

Laney: Right!

[the house's exterior is shown as Lincoln and Laney gets attacked by Luan's pranks. Afterwards, the two are tired, beat up and dirtied as he gets a call from Clyde]

Clyde: Lincoln! What's happening? Lucy just invited me to your funeral.

Lincoln: [takes a mouse trap out of his eye and screams] OW! Laney and I've been setting off all the pranks in the house so Ronnie Anne doesn't get hit. [Lifts his shoe as sand pours out] I've gone through every room except Leni and Lori's. [Clyde hangs up] Clyde? Hello!?

[the doorbell rings as Lincoln goes downstairs to open the door]

Clyde: I volunteer to clear Lori's room. [Clyde goes to Lori and Leni's room offscreen as he gets attacked by Luan's pranks] It was worth it. Lori's room smells like apple cinnamon.

Lincoln: That might be this pie. [points to the pie on his head]

Clyde: Wait, what about Laney? Did she made it out okay?

Laney: What do you think? [Laney shown completely covered in garbage and food, one eye blackend with a raccoon gnawing on her leg]

Lincoln: Man! You've got it worse than me!

Laney: It was worth it. I survived April Fools Day. And call me crazy, but I found going through those pranks were kinda invigorating.

Clyde and Lincoln: You're crazy.

Laney: Right. I'm never doing that again.

Lincoln: Well, that aside. The Loud House is prank free. [high-fives Clyde as the latter walks away and faints. Ronnie Anne arrives and is surprised when Clyde faints, before looking annoyed]

Luan: [chuckles as Ronnie Anne arrives] I won! You thought you'd outsmart me, but you two got the worst pranking ever!

Laney: Give it up, Luan! We've cleared this house of all your deadly practical jokes. You're finished!

Lincoln: Yeah! I only set off those pranks because Ronnie Anne was coming over. [Ronnie Anne looks rather touched at hearing her boyfriend say this]

Luan: Yeah! Well who do you think invited her over, genius? [Ronnie Anne's expression turns to a confused look]

Laney: No...

Luan: Yes! I knew I had to lure you out of your room, so I called Ronnie Anne, and told her how much you loved April Fools' Day. And here she is, to deliver the final blow. [Lincoln turns to Ronnie Anne, who pulls out a pie, with a villainous-looking smile on her face. Lincoln braces for impact, and a splat is heard.]

Lincoln: Huh? [As Lincoln opens his eyes, he finds out that she instead threw the pie in Luan's face] But why'd you do that?

Ronnie Anne: You took all those pranks for me. It's the least I could do. Come on, let's draw some eyebrows on you and go get a milkshake.

[the two leave the house]

Luan: That girl's a keeper!

Laney: Okay everyone! It's safe to come out!

[Soon afterwards, the family come out of their hidings and are relieved that the prankfest is over.]

Lynn Sr.: Is it really over?

[The other eight sisters agreed]

Rita: Wait! Where's Leni?

Lisa: [looking at the Kitchen This Way sign] I have my suspicions.

Lynn Sr.: Okay, everybody in the van. Let's find Leni, and then afterwards, frozen yogurt to celebrate! Ha ha!

[Everyone cheers and hurries to the van. But just as the van is about to start, the airbag explodes, splatting blue paint everywhere in the car.]

Loud Family: LUAN!

Luan: [to the viewers] Aw, the end of April Fools always make me feel a little blue. [laughs] Get it?


	33. Sound of Silence

**Sound of Silence**

Peace and quiet... you're not going to find it in this neighborhood. Especially in the Loud house.

[Enter Lincoln who is holding a new comic book]

Lincoln: [kicks off shoes] Shoes off. [takes off shirt] Shirt removed. [removes belt and drops pants] Pants, be gone. [enters room] Whoo-hoo! It's New Comic Wednesday! And there's no better way to read comics than in my undies! Ultra rare comic? Check. Optimal reading attire? Check. [puts on gloves] Comic protection? Check. Well deserved and much desired peace and quiet? Check.

[However, Lucy's on his bed's headboard]

Lucy: I have to tell you about this dream I had last night. [Lincoln yelps at her presence]

Lincoln: I'd love to hear it, but as you can see, I'm-

Lucy: So, I'm hanging out in this coffin, and all of a sudden...

[Lincoln knows she won't stop and goes under the grownup table to read his comic]

Lincoln: Peace and quiet? Check. Again.

[But suddenly, a lizard comes crawling over his comic]

Lana: Izzy! Where are you?

[Lincoln screams and hits his head under the table]

Lincoln: Ow!

Lana: [looks under the table] There you are! Oh, hey, Lincoln! I see you met my new lizard, Izzy. Wanna pet him?

[Lincoln glares at her and moves to the houses vents]

Lincoln: [growing irritated] Peace and quiet. Check. Again.

[All of a sudden, Luna plays a really loud guitar riff and causes Lincoln to fall out of the vent and into her room]

Luna: Nice stage dive, bro! [continues playing, making Lincoln shake over the noise's vibrations]

[Lincoln is now in a dark place where only his eyes can be shown]

Lincoln: [starting to lose it] Finally, peace and quiet! Check! AGAIN! [turns on a flashlight]

[It is revealed that he is reading in the garbage can outside, and Luan lifts up the lid with a garbage bag]

Luan: Oh, hey, Lincoln. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck! [laughs] I would take trash, but I refuse. [laughs again as Lincoln just rolls the garbage can away in frustration] Now we're both on a roll! [laughs some more and bangs the lid on her knee. Lincoln walks in the living room picking trash off him]

Laney: [Is seen reading a book] Lincoln? Are you alright?

Lincoln: How can I be? There's no place in this house where I can read with out any interruption!

Laney: Well, here's qu-

Lincoln: Is it too much to ask for a little peace and quiet so that a guy can read his comic in his undies? [walks over to the sofa to sit down; to the viewers] Sadly, when you've got eleven sisters, it's almost impossible to get a moment's peace.

[An ad comes on TV]

Announcer: Do you find it almost impossible to get a moment's peace?

Lincoln: [exasperated] Yes. [suddenly intrigued] Wait! Yes!

Announcer: Then you need the Noise-B-Gone 2000 Earbuds! With 12 different soothing sounds, tune out that noisy world and enjoy a little me time. Only $19.95. Call now.

Lincoln: SOLD! [Goes around looking for some of his money he has been saving up in various places he would keep it and gets the exact total he needs and gets on the phone with customer service] Same-day delivery? How much more is that? [As he's told, he gets out some more money and has enough for the same-day delivery] Yeah, let's do it.

[In just a short amount of time, a delivery drone comes by with Lincoln's package; Lincoln answers the door and picks up his package]

Lincoln: Ah, Noise-B-Gone 2000. Take my money! [Hands the drone the amount due]

[The amount is too much for the drone to lift and it crashes down on the porch; Lincoln opens up the buds and puts them in while seeing the ruckus his sisters are causing]

Lincoln: Noise...be gone. [presses buttons on buds and suddenly gets a wind chime sound over his sisters' commotion; tries other settings like trickling water, chirping birds, and waves crashing and is relieved] Goodbye, pesky, noisy sisters. Hello, me time.

[Lori comes in to talk to Lincoln about something, but since Lincoln's earbuds have canceled out her dialogue, it is unknown what she is telling him]

Lincoln: [not paying attention] Whatever you say, sis!

[Next, Luna comes in to show off a rocking solo, but Lincoln doesn't hear it]

Lincoln: [ignoring] Cool jams!

[Finally, Lana and Izzy come in and Lana has something to tell Lincoln, but she is muted out like Lori and Luna]

Lincoln: [too focused] You know it, girl! [takes buds off as Lana leaves] Noise-B-Gone, you...are...AWESOME! So, why stop at comics? [puts them back on] Let the quiet times roll! [while working on a model plane with Luan telling some of her comedy material] Funny! Funny stuff! [while playing video games with Lynn watching] You betcha, Lynn-arino! [while working on a magazine puzzle; walks by Lucy] Uh-huh! [past Leni] I hear that! [across Lisa who is holding some beakers] Abso-tutely! [goes into his room to shoot some hoops]

Laney: [walks in Lincoln's room] Hey, Lincoln. I know you find it tough to find a moment's peace in this house and don't get me wrong, I know what that's like so I'm-

Lincoln: [Not hearing Laney's conversation with the earbuds on] I know what you mean!

Laney: Okay... Well I just want you to know that you can come to me for some quiet time. Hey, maybe you can help me with my hobbies. Tomorrow morning sound good?

Lincoln: [Still not hearing Laney's conversation] Totally!

Laney: Thanks, Lincoln! [walks off]

[Lola comes in to talk to Lincoln about something important, but thanks to the buds, he can't understand her; what Lola's talking about is worrying her, but he just tunes her out more]

Lincoln: Aah...

[Bedtime]

Lincoln: [takes buds off] Thanks for a silent day, guys. [polishes them] You're my new best buds. [puts them away and awaits to use them again tomorrow]

[The next morning]

Lola: [barges into Lincoln's room] LINCOLN! [Lincoln screams and falls out of bed] Don't forget you promised to do that thing for me by 3 o'clock today!

Lincoln: [obviously confused] Huh? [notices his ear buds are on the floor and quickly hides them]

Lola: [Suspiciously irked] You didn't forget, did you?

Lincoln: [chuckles] Of course I didn't forget, Lola.

Lola: Good, because you wouldn't want to make me MAD! [storms off]

Lincoln: [worried] Now, what did I promise?

[enter Lynn]

Lynn: Hey, Lincoln!

Lincoln: Hey, Lynn. You don't happen to know what I promised-

Lynn: [grabs him] Come on, it's go time!

Lincoln: For what?

[Lynn takes him out into the backyard]

Lincoln: Lynn, what's happening?

Lynn: HIYAH! [hits Lincoln with a dropkick]

Lincoln: Whoa! Hey! [getting kicked by Lynn multiple times] Ow! What are you doing?

Lynn: Practicing my kickboxing! HUAH! Yesterday, you said you'd be my sparring partner. [throws more kicks at Lincoln] Remember? HIYAH!

Lincoln: I did? I mean, right. I remember. [Lynn delivers a powerful kick to him] So, uh, do you know where Lola went today?

Lynn: [hits him with another powerful kick] Nope. Why?

Lincoln: Well...I guess I promised to- [avoids another blow] Whoa! -do something for her, but- [another dodge] -I sort of forgot what it is.

Lynn: [punches him] WHAT?! You'd better remember! You know what happens when you make Lola mad! Did I ever tell you about the pudding incident?

Lincoln: No.

[Flashback to the pudding incident]

Lola: [notices there's no more pudding in the fridge and Lynn has the last cup] So, you ate the last pudding, huh?

Lynn: [realizing] Oh, did I? I don't know. Guess so.

Lola: [with a demonic grin on her face] Oh, that's okay...

[Later, as Lynn is getting ready for bed, she notices something under her blanket, lifts it up, and discovers that Lola popped her Soccer ball with a soft knife and screams in horror; end flashback]

Lincoln: [terrified] All because you ate the last pudding?

Lynn: [suddenly calm] Yep. Now stay focused. HIYAH! [kicks Lincoln right into her Soccer goalie net] GOAL! [runs off]

Lincoln: Whew.

[Enter Leni]

Leni: Lincoln, come on! I need you.

Lincoln: For what?

Leni: Don't be a dope. We talked about this tomorrow. I mean, yesterday.

[Lynn seems content about this]

[In Lori and Leni's room, Leni is using Lincoln as a mannequin for a new design]

Leni: [sewing] I think my design for the Manotard is really working. Thanks for agreeing to be my model. [pokes Lincoln with needle]

Lincoln: Ow! Yeah, sure. So, um, let me ask you a hypothetical... [realizing Leni would not know what "hypothetical" means] ...I mean, a what-if question. Say you promised Lola you'd do something for her, but you forgot what it was.

Leni: [shoving needle into Lincoln in shock] LANDON! You're in huge trouble!

Lincoln: My name is Lincoln.

Leni: You know what happens when you make Lola mad. Did I ever tell you about the tiara crisis?!

[Flashback to the tiara crisis; Leni sits down in the chair only to hear a crunching sound and finds out she sat on Lola's favorite tiara; Lola sees the aftermath]

Leni: Oops. Sorry, Lola.

Lola: [with the same demonic grin from Lynn's flashback] Oh, that's okay...

[In Lori and Leni's room, all of Leni's stuff is gone]

Leni: WHERE'S ALL MY STUFF?!

Lola: [outside] Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! Free stuff!

[Leni looks outside and notices that Lola is giving away all her stuff and gasps in demise]

Lola: My sister doesn't need this stuff, but you do!

[End flashback]

Lincoln: [petrified] All because you accidentally broke her tiara?

Leni: [finished] And viola! Okay, girls, fashion show!

Lincoln: [embarrassed] What? Girls? No way!

Leni: You promised.

[Leni's friends pop in and ogle Lincoln in the manotard; one of them even takes a selfie with him much to his embarrassment]

Lincoln: Are you sure you can do this? [Laney is seen wearing a ballerina tutu]

Laney: Totally! Just like you said! [Laney takes a running start then leaps to Lincoln, where he catches her, and then falls] Oof! We should really work on that.

Lincoln: When did you even started ballet?

Laney: Just a hobby I'm working on, you said you'd help me.

Lincoln: Right. Well anyway, I promised Lola something and-

Laney: WHAT?! Do you remember what it was?

Lincoln: I was hoping you knew.

Laney: Oh no, this is not good! You should never make Lola mad! Have I ever told you about... The Slip?

[Flashback to The Slip, Laney was painting something in the hallway then some red paint dripped then as Lola worked on her paegant walk she slipped on the paint getting it all over her back]

Laney: Oops, sorry Lola!

Lola: [with the same demonic grin from Leni's flashback] Oh, that's okay. I can wash that off...

[Minutes later, after Laney washed her hands in the bathroom, she gasps in horror to see that her painting was destroyed. Then she followed the trail of painted footprints to see that her chest was smashed to pieces with the easel, which made Laney scream in horror. End flashback]

Lincoln: [trembles in fear] She did that?

Laney: Yes. And I don't even wanna know what she's gonna do to you If you don't do what she asks you to! Hurry! [Lincoln runs off, but Laney stops him] But, not before we do one more practice performance...

One performance later...

Lincoln: You sure I agreed to do this?

Lori: I believe your exact words yesterday were, "Whatever you say, sis".

[It is shown that Lincoln is being used as an ottoman for Lori to paint her toenails]

Lori: So, I hear you got a little Lola problem.

Lincoln: [surprised that she knew] How did you-

Lori: Word gets around. Now, listen to me, Lincoln. You know what happens when you make Lola mad, so you'd better figure out what you promised her! Did I ever tell you about...Sneeze-ageddon?

[Flashback to Sneeze-ageddon; Lola and Lori are sitting on the couch bored; Lola suddenly sneezes]

Lola: Achoo! [notices Lori right next to her and clears throat] I didn't hear a 'bless you'!

[Lori ignores her and Lola gets that demonic grin again; cut to a pot of boiling water on the stove that Lori passes by]

Lori: Has anyone seen my phone? [notices the pot, opens the lid, uses tongs to pull out a familiar object, gasps to see that it's her phone now destroyed and screams in panic; end flashback]

Lincoln: [fearing immensely] If she did all that stuff to you guys, what is she gonna do to me?

Lori: Maybe you should talk to Lana. I'm sure she'll be able to help you.

Lincoln: [relieved] Of course! Thanks! [gets ready to go]

Lori: Ah ah ah! I haven't done my top coat yet.

[Lincoln resumes his ottoman position]

[Lola and Lana's room]

Lana: You...WHAT?! You know what happens when you make Lola mad! I don't know what she wants you to do, but you'd better figure it out. Did I ever tell you about...the frog fiasco?

Lincoln: [fearing immensely] Do I wanna know about the frog fiasco?

[Flashback to the frog fiasco; Lola is trying to apply some mascara when a frog croaks from behind her and makes her mess up]

Lana: Aww! You're a burpy-durpy today. Isn't he the cutest?

Lola: [chuckling menacingly under demonic grin] So cute...

[Later, Lana is getting ready to feed her frog]

Lana: Who's hungry? [notices he's not in his tank] Seymour? Where'd you go? [hears Lola whistling and notices her carrying a shovel, seeing that Lola killed and buried Seymour] NOOOOOOOOOO!

[end flashback]

Lana: I mean, I can't prove she took out Seymour...but I never saw him again.

Lincoln: [desperate and scared] Lana, what am I gonna do?! It's almost 3:00! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!

Lana: Okay, okay. Take it easy. [thinks for a second] I know! Why don't you just think of everything she might want you to do and then do it?

Lincoln: Everything?

Lana: [despondently] Remember Seymour?

[Lincoln realizes he has no other choice and gives it a try; he polishes Lola's tiaras and beauty pageant trophies, cleans her side of the room and princess mobile, mows the lawn, and cleans the gutters]

Lincoln: Why does Lola care whether the gutters are clean?

Lana: I know. It's crazy, right?

[Lincoln has even repaved the driveway]

Lana: Lola does love a smooth driveway.

[Lincoln even makes topiary sculptures in Lola's honor to the point where he's too tired to keep doing these tasks]

Lincoln: [fatigued] Phew...I did it...

Lana: [sees the time] One minute to 3:00. Good luck, Lincoln. [prepares to leave]

Lincoln: Wait! Where are you going?

Lana: Somewhere safe. You know...just in case. [closes door and leaves]

[The time has come, and...Lola is not pleased...]

Lola: LINCOLN! IT'S 3 O'CLOCK! YOU'VE FAILED ME! [bursts in] YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE LOLA MAD! [sports her demonic grin and has flames of fury in her eyes]

Lincoln: [begging for mercy] I'm sorry! I would've done what you asked me, but I didn't hear you! [reveals the buds] I was wearing these. All I heard was the sound of waves. Or was it crickets? Doesn't matter! The thing is-

Lola: [goes from blind with rage to suddenly calm and merciful] I know you didn't hear me.

Lincoln: Huh?

[The other sisters sans Lisa pop in with satisfied smiles]

Lola: You're not as clever as you think, Lincoln Loud.

[Flashback to what Lola was trying to tell Lincoln yesterday]

Lola: [comes into Lincoln's room] Lincoln, is this too much mascara? Be honest. It's super, super, super important!

Lincoln: [having muted Lola out] Aah. I couldn't agree more!

Lola: [confused] Agree with what?

Lincoln: Right back at ya!

Lola: Okay, you're weird

[Lincoln's basketball shoots out of bounds and knocks over his wastebasket revealing the Noise-B-Gone package, which Lola notices, making her make that demonic grin she made in all those other flashbacks]

Lola: [slyly] So, Lincoln, are you the biggest dork in the world?

Lincoln: [unable to hear her] You can say that again!

Lola: And do you love the taste of dog poop?

Lincoln: You know it!

[Lola slyly smiles and tells the other sisters about the earbuds]

Lori: So, he's been tuning us out all day?

[Lola nods]

Laney: You mean he wasn't really listening to me? [Lola shakes her head]

Luna: No wonder he didn't help me restring my guitar.

Lucy: Or come to my séance.

Luan: And that's why he didn't laugh at my jokes.

Lori: [sarcastically] Yeah, that's why.

Lynn: [violently] I'm gonna go rip out those earbuds and-

Laney: Wait! There's gotta be a non-violent way to teach Lincoln a lesson.

Lola: Oh, there is!

[End flashback]

Lincoln: So, all that stuff you guys made me do today...that was all made up?

Lola: Yep.

Laney: Mine wasn't. I just really want to spend time with you.

Luna: You had it coming, little bro. You can't just ignore us. We're your family.

Laney: It's not nice to ignore people's problems.

Lori: And remember, you're not the only one who has to live in a noisy house. We all do.

Lincoln: True.

[Just when all seems to have been resolved, Lisa rushes in in a panicked state]

Lisa: LINCOLN! LINCOLN! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME WITH MY LAB EXPERIMENT!

Lincoln: [thinking she's in on it] Okay, Lisa, you can give it a rest. I know all about your little joke.

Lisa: What joke? [notices earbuds] I'm gonna need those. [takes them, puts them on, and hides under Lincoln's bed]

[There's a rumbling going on in Lisa and Lily's room and it causes a giant explosion that blows the entire roof off the house and land back on top the house, upside down. The explosion has also caused the other siblings to go deaf]

Lincoln: NOW I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING!


	34. Attention Deficit

**Attention Deficit**

[Inside the Loud House, Lucy and Lisa are eating frozen dinners in the living room and Charles is pulling on Lily's diaper because she has his bone. The entire living room is a mess and Lincoln is working on something in the dining room. Lola bursts into the house in her princess car and sends Lily and Charles flying and snatches Lisa's dinner fork with a piece of salisbury steak on it.]

Lisa: [to Lola] SALISBURY STEAK STEALER!

Rita: [serves Lincoln a frozen dinner] Here's your dinner, Lincoln!

Lincoln: Thanks, Mom. Hey, will you help me with my science project? I have to build a volcano.

Rita: Sure, honey. Just give me five minutes. Leni and I are gonna practice putting on makeup.

[Leni comes in with her lipstick on her eyes and her eye shadow on her lips and Rita takes her upstairs. Lynn and their father come walking by.]

Lincoln: Hey, Dad, can you help me with my volcano?

Lynn Sr.: Sure, son. Just give me five minutes while I give Lynn some baseball pointers. [tosses a ball at a fragile object which breaks and scares Cliff] And there's your first pointer, Lynn: never play ball in the house.

[They head outside and Leni and Rita return]

Rita: Well, you're doing much better, Leni, but you're still venturing into...clown territory.

Lincoln: Mom, can we work on my volcano now?

Rita: Oh, five minutes, honey. I promised Lori I'd take a magazine quiz with her. [goes upstairs with Lori]

Lincoln: [getting frustrated] But I could really use some help! Dad, can you-

Lynn Sr.: [with Luna and a saxophone] Five more minutes, pal. I promised Luna I'd help her lay down some funky grooves.

[The toilet flushes]

Lana: Hey, Dad! I clogged the toilet so you could teach me how to fix it!

Lynn Sr.: Five minutes, Lincoln! I mean, Lana! [starts playing sax which scares Cliff who tosses Lynn's baseball right at him to stop] Ow!

Laney: [Walks in] Hey, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Hey, Laney. Maybe you can help me with my project?

Laney: Sorry, no. I just came here because it was crowded at the living room.

Lincoln: [to the viewers] In a family as big as mine, getting attention from your parents is no easy thing. [sighs and turns to his volcano] How am I ever gonna finish this?

[Scene fades from Lincoln's volcanic standpoint to Clyde's which shows a diorama of him and Lori scaling it]

Lincoln: Wow! It's finished? Your volcano is awesome, Clyde! I even love how you put people on it.

Clyde: Thanks. That's Lori and me. We're climbing down to get married 'cause Bobby fell in and is being devoured by lava.

Lincoln: Ouch! It really did a number on his face. This project isn't due for a week. How'd you get it done so fast?

Clyde: My dads helped. We spent the whole weekend working on it.

Lincoln: My parents never give me that kind of attention. They're always rushing off to help one of my sisters.

Clyde: Why don't you bring your volcano to my house after school? My dads will have plenty of time to help you.

Lincoln: Really? That would be great!

[They walk by Flip's juice cart]

Clyde: Oh, hang on, Lincoln. I'm gonna get volcano Lori a juice. Running from Bobby's tormented screams has made her thirsty.

[Clyde's house]

Lincoln: [exhausted] Oh, these long school days, man.

Clyde: Tell me about it. But at least we're home now.

[They enter and look on at the fabulous decor]

Lincoln: [enthralled] Wow...I always forget how different your house is from mine!

Clyde: Uh...you're shouting, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Oh, right. Sorry. Force of habit.

[Enter Clyde's dads]

Howard: Hi, fellas. Come on in.

Lincoln: Hi, Mr. McBride. Hi, Mr. McBride.

Harold: Ooh, nice structure, Lincoln. Ready to get to work?

Lincoln: You mean like now?

Harold: [takes the volcano and chuckles] Of course.

[Lincoln's eyes beam and he runs across the floor, but Howard stops him]

Howard: Oh, hang on, Lincoln. You have a loose button on your shirt.

Lincoln: Oh. Well, I, uh...

Howard: [chuckles] No worries. [sews the button back on tight]

Lincoln: Thanks, Mr. McBride.

Harold: Great good heavens! It looks like the sole of your shoe is about to fall off!

Lincoln: Oh, that's just-

Harold: No worries. [takes Lincoln's shoe off] I'll just give it a little tappity tap.

Lincoln: Wow. You're not gonna just use a stapler on that?

Howard: Hold up, Lincoln. Your sideburns are uneven.

Lincoln: I know. Usually, I just tilt my head.

Howard: No worries.

[Howard and Harold give Lincoln's sideburns a little trim to make them even]

Harold: Perfect!

Howard: Hot towel? [as he and Harold offer one to Lincoln]

[Dinnertime]

Howard: Sorry dinner's nothing fancy. Just roasted organic chicken with a homemade marinade.

Harold: And vegetables from our garden. Help yourself, Lincoln.

Lincoln: There's no foil to peel back?

Harold: [chuckles] Foil. LOL. That's a hot one, Lincoln.

Howard: [dims the lights and turns on the music] Clyde, how was your day?

Clyde: It was great. I lasted 37 seconds in Dodgeball.

Howard: Did you hear that, Hare Bare? Thirty. Seven. Seconds.

Harold: Good job, son. And Lincoln, how was your day?

Lincoln: [coughing a little at that response] What? Me? You wanna know how my day was? Now?

[He looks on with ecstasy and a choir suddenly starts playing]

Choir: HALLELUJAH!

[But it turns out it was Howard's phone's ringtone]

Howard: Oops. Sorry. [turns phone off]

Clyde: You know the rules, Dad: no phones at the dinner table!

Lincoln: Seriously? What about ants, or pitching machines, or toilet snakes?

[Harold laughs at such notions]

Harold: You're so funny, Lincoln! [offering Lincoln more food] Here. Have seconds.

[Lincoln looks on ecstatic again and Howard's phone rings again]

Howard: Oh. I thought I turned this off.

[Now they're relaxing in massage chairs with facial masks on and their voices wobble as they speak due to the chairs' vibrations]

Howard: Sorry we didn't finish your volcano tonight, Lincoln. Why don't you come back tomorrow?

Harold: It's Mani-Pedi Night at the McBride House.

Lincoln: Ooh, I love Italian food!

Harold: [laughs some more] You are too much, Lincoln.

[Lincoln turns off his massage chair]

Lincoln: [happily to the viewers] I gotta say, getting some undivided attention is pretty sweet. And now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta give some undivided attention to my hammies. [turns the chair back on] Awww, yeah.

[Lincoln returns to his house where he witnesses Lori carrying Lily who has a stinky diaper and is crying over about it, Lana riding Lola's princess car...]

Lana: YAHOO!

[...Luan chasing Lola with pies that she hits her with, Lisa carrying a radiating teddy bear with her tongs...]

Lisa: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

[...and an explosion from said teddy bear. The chaos in his house causes him to sigh with despair and slam the door. Enter Lynn playing football]

Laney: Hey, Lincoln. You're back! You look different.

Lynn: Lanes! Think fast! [Laney catches the football, then Lynn tackles her] Hey, Lincoln! [examines him] You look different.

Laney: That's what I said...

Lincoln: My sideburns are even.

Lynn: No, it's more than that. Your skin is glowing, you look taller, and you smell like... [smells him] ...organic Brussels sprouts? Okay, what gives?

Lincoln: I spent tonight at Clyde's. His dads helped me with my volcano and served me food with no foil and asked me about my day!

Laney: Food without foil? I didn't know that was possible.

Lynn: Get out! That sounds amazing! [thinks for a second] Hey, do you think they could help me with my baseball swing?

Lincoln: Sure. I think Clyde said one of his dads played ball in college. Why don't you come over after school tomorrow?

Lynn: Oh, that would be awesome! [playfully punches his arm]

Lincoln: Ow! Lynn, do you mind? Clyde's dads just gave me my vaccinations.

Laney: Vaccinations? Can I come? Mom never gave me vaccinations!

Lincoln: Sure.

[The next day, Lincoln, Lynn, and Laney are just leaving Clyde's house]

Harold: Goodbye!

Howard: Take care!

Lynn: I just can't believe Mr. McBride spent a whole hour coaching me! And how about that dinner? What was that special thing they cooked again?

Lincoln: Meat?

Laney: Not just meat, savory, culinary meat. I could never get that at home!

Lynn: Yeah. It was amazing. Ah, I'd punch you, but my arm is sore from the vaccinations.

Laney: Mine too.

[They return home to find Luna out front]

Luna: Hey, dudes. [examines them] Wait. You look different. [pulls in their arms] Your nail beds are rockin'. [smells them] And do I smell meat? [suspicious] What's going on?

Lincoln: We've been hanging out with Clyde's dads. They've been giving us all kinds of one-on-one time.

Luna: Rad! Hey, you think they could jam with me? Dad's got a wicked canker and he can't blow the sax anymore.

Laney: Okay, one of Clyde's dads told me he was in a band in college. Don't know which one though.

Lincoln: [sternly] Okay, but this is it. If anymore of you find out about Clyde's dads, the undivided attention is going to get pretty divided.

Luna: Don't worry, bro. [mimes sealing her lips, rolling down a car window, tossing a key out of it, and rolling it back up] That was a car window.

Lincoln and Lynn: Yeah, we get it.

[Cut to Luna jamming with Howard and assuring Lincoln everything's good. Lynn is practicing ball with Harold. Laney was sitting by the table with book in hand]

Laney: Hey, Mr. Mcbride, we were going read together.

Howard: Sure! As soon as done jamming with your sister here! [Laney sighs and walks off]

Lincoln: Well, this is okay. I can handle sharing with a couple of sisters.

Laney: I do, but suddenly there starting to ignore me.

Lincoln: Well, It could be worse.

[Suddenly, an uninvited guest appears]

Luan: And the woodpecker said, "That's why I tell knock-knock jokes". [laughs as Howard accompanies with a rimshot]

Lincoln: [confused] Luan?

[Enter Lori]

Lori: Mr. McBride, would you say I'm more an Autumn or a Winter?

Howard: You are definitely a Summer.

Lori: Literally, right?

Lincoln: [shocked] Lori?!

Clyde: [bursts in] Lori? My future wife? Here with my dads?! What do I do? What do I do? Oh, I know! [faints in Lincoln's arms]

[Enter Lana in Lola's princess car]

Lana: YAHOO! MR. MCBRIDE, YO!

[Enter Lisa in a radiation suit and holding a beaker]

Lisa: Oh, I can't believe you guys have sodium salicylate on the premises!

[Enter Leni, Lola, and Lucy]

Leni, Lola, and Lucy: MR. MCBRIDE! [rush over to Howard]

[The girls are starting to overcrowd Howard]

Howard: [panicking] HAROLD!

Harold: What is it, Howie? [gasps upon seeing the other girls] Great Betty Buckley...

Lily: [crawling in naked] Poo-poo!

Howard and Harold: THE CARPET!

[Harold tosses the newspaper to Howard who then spreads it out to leave a trail for Lily]

Lily: [crawling on the paper] Poo-poo, poo-poo...

Laney: I got it! [Laney runs and catches Lily then puts a diaper on her]

Lincoln: [angrily turns to Luna] Hey! You blabbed our secret to everyone?

Luna: No, bro! I would never do that! But...I may have sung it in the shower.

[Flashback to Luna taking a shower and singing]

Luna: Undivided attention / So good, but it can't be mentioned / One-on-one time is totally cool / Hangin' with Clyde's dads after school

[It's revealed that the others overheard this and got the idea. End flashback]

Luna: Sorry. I was just so amped.

[Cut to a practice funeral held by Lucy with Howard as the corpse]

Lucy: Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to say goodbye-

Leni: Guys, I can't find my bedroom!

Howard: Remember, Leni, you're not in your own house.

Lucy: [silences him] No talking at your own funeral.

[While the girls are having fun at Clyde's house, Lincoln is still struggling to get his volcano finished. Laney is sitting at the table with him, feeling low]

Lincoln: Mr. McBride, can you help me with my volcano? It's due tomorrow.

Harold: Sure thing, Lincoln. Just give me five minutes. Luan wants me to try out this pie.

Lincoln: Hey, Mr. McB, wanna help me with my volcano?

Howard: Absolutely. Uh, just give me five minutes while I help Lola with her double pageant wings.

[Lincoln sighs and Luan splatters Harold with her pie]

Harold: [face covered in meringue] So, that's what she meant by 'try out this pie'. [trips] Just give me five minutes, Lincoln. Gotta get this meringue out of my eye.

Howard: [with Lily on his head] Where's Lori, jam with Luna, find Lily...

Harold: [face now clean] There we go. Now, who was it that needed my help? [hears an explosion] Lisa! [runs off]

[Lincoln and Laney are joined by his best friend while sulking that he's back to square one]

Lincoln: This stinks, Clyde. I finally get some attention and my sisters come over here and hog it. They all gotta go.

Clyde: I totally agree. Except for Lori. [holds up her magazine] I'm studying all her quiz answers, and if I change everything about myself, we'll be soulmates!

Lincoln: You know, if you wanna impress Lori, you can just talk to her.

Clyde: Yes. Talk to her. That's a valid- [suddenly faints again]

Lincoln: [puts a pillow on his unconscious friend's face] I've had just about enough of this. Now listen up! [fails to get their attention] I guess I picked the wrong day to stop shouting. [gets louder] I SAID-

Lola: Thank you, Lincoln! I got it! I am going to dominate the Little Miss Ambidextrous Pageant!

Leni: You're the best, Lincoln. Clyde's dads really helped with my makeup. Now if I can just find my bedroom. [checks the grandfather clock] Nope. That's Lisa's room.

Lana: Lincoln, did you know Mr. McBride put himself through theater school working as a plumber? He spent a whole hour teaching me about flush valves!

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Wow. Maybe I had it wrong. My sisters aren't trying to hog Clyde's dads. They just want a little attention, too. And you know what? I'm gonna let them have it.

Laney: [sighs] They're not the only ones...

Lincoln: Laney? What's wrong?

Laney: Well, I too have trouble getting attention from my parents. And when I came with you to Clyde's house I thought I was going to get that. But now, It's not as different as it was back home. [sighs sadly] Sometimes I wonder If what I do makes any difference.

Lincoln: Of course it does Laney! You saw reason when the rest of us didn't. Your voice of reason kept this family going for years!

Laney: You really think so?

Lincoln: I know so! In fact, I think it will matter most If you help me with my project.

Laney: [smiled] Sure! Let's go. [walks off, Lincoln takes his volcano and grabs a dinner dish and leaves]

[The Loud House. Lincoln is resuming his volcano with the help of Laney, until they got more help]

Rita: Oh, Lincoln. There you are. I got some more materials for your volcano.

Lynn Sr.: [with a pot of sauce] And I made my special marinara sauce for lava.

Lincoln: [elated] Wow! Thanks! You guys remembered my volcano!

Lynn Sr.: Of course we did. We always planned to help. We just needed to find some time.

Rita: We're sorry it took so long, honey. Did you do something to your sideburns.

[Just then, a car comes careening down the street, drops something off, and drives away. Lincoln's sisters are home now.]

Laney: You're back!

Lynn: We broke Clyde's dads.

Rita: You did what?

Lori: We were having a great time when all of a sudden they just snapped, herded us into their car and drove us home.

Lisa: I have no idea what precipitated this. I simply suggested a sleepover.

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Not everyone can handle 11 kids like Mom and Dad can.

[Back at Clyde's house, Howard is stressed out from the ordeal that was the Loud Sisters]

Clyde: Hey, Dad, what did you think of my future bride, Lori?

Howard: [traumatized] Which one was she? There were so many... [shudders]

Harold: [disappointed in himself] I'm sorry. Frozen dinners were all I could manage.

[Clyde's dinner is still frozen and the fork is jammed in the ice surrounding it]

Clyde: Dad, I think you forgot to- [notices his dads are exhausted and sleeping from what they were put through with the Loud Girls]

[Back to the Loud House]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] I guess I really underestimated my parents. Even if it takes a while, they eventually find time for all of us, everyday. No wonder Dad has a wicked canker.

[The girls start begging for a little attention from their parents]

Loud Parents: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it! Five minutes, girls. We're helping Lincoln now.

Laney: So am I! [holds out a paintbrush]

 **FIVE MINUTES LATER**

Lincoln: It's finished! Ahem. Drum roll, please. [drum roll commences] Three...two...one! [presses a button, causing marinara sauce to splatter everywhere for an eruption]

Laney: I'll clean it up.

Lynn Sr.: Thanks, Laney.


	35. Come Sale Away

**Come Sale Away**

[Bird chirping]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] You've been with us a while and it doesn't need to be said. But in a family as big as mine, everything turns into a competition.

[A series of flashbacks take place]

Lynn Sr.: Okay kids, time for bed!

Lana: I can make it up the stairs first!

[As the Loud siblings run upstairs, Lynn makes it to the top first]

Lynn: [victory dance] Uh-huh! Work it! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Rita: Kids, come bring in the groceries.

Lori: I bet I can literally carry the most bags.

Luna: [screams through past her siblings and does her own victory dance at the front door] Yeah! Go, Luna! Most bags! What? Bags! What?

[As the girls watch Lincoln drink FIZZ BOY and burps, Lola does a bigger burp on her siblings and does her own victory dance]

Lola: Go Lola! Biggest burp! Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

[end flashbacks]

Lincoln: [hammering the sign] I haven't had a winnin' forever but that changes today. It's our annual garage sale and at 5 PM today. When the market's closed, the victory dance shall be mine! [twerks the sign, picks up his box and notices Lily crying on the ground] Oh, what's the matter Lily, you need your blankie? [gets the blankie and gives it to his sister] It's okay Lily, your blankie's right here.

Lily: [stops crying and sucks her thumb]

Lincoln: [puts items on his stand] Hate to break it to you, ladies, but I'm outselling all of you.

Lisa: That's amusing from someone who couldn't sell a negative charge to an electron.

Lana: Yeah? Well, you couldn't sell a rattle to a snake!

Leni: Well, you couldn't sell a dress if it was 50% off! Not even if it was half off.

Lynn Sr.: Build up those appetites, salespeople, we're having goulash tonight!

Rita: Which will be served on our refinished dining table. Have fun out there, kids.

Lincoln: Yeah, have fun. Watching this rump do the bump. [twerks the stand causing it to fall apart] Dang it.

[Later, Laney is seen setting up her stand]

Lori: Hope you're ready to lose Lanes! My sales are going to be the highest!

Laney: Oh, I'm sure it will.

Lori: What do you mean?

Laney: Look, I'm not going to compete with you. I'm just here give people what they need to express themselves.

Lori: [pauses for a second] Oh! I see what you're doing! You're trying to pysch me out so you can win! Well it ain't going to work! And once I win, I'll rub my hard earn cash in your face! [Lori returns to her stand, Laney shrugs]

Lucy: Candles. Cobwebs. Cauldrons.

Flip: [walks past] Rubbish.

Lucy: [takes out her crystal ball] "Free psychic reading with every purchase."

Flip: Free? Well, now you're speaking my language, little Psychic Girl. What's your cheapest item? [Lucy holds out a tiny skull with a candle in it and Flip takes it]

Lucy: And now, look into your future. [gazes into her crystal ball] Hmm. Business will be booming.

Flip: [cackles]

Lisa: Expired chemicals! Buy one get one free!

Flip: [appears] Oh, did I hear free?

Lily: [speaks babble to another baby as she sells him an acorn]

Mrs. Johnson: I've always wanted become an artist! How much?

Laney: Five dollars. [Mrs. Johnson gives her the money]

[Leni is seen trying to sell the garage to a young couple]

Leni: New paint job, spaces galore and it comes with its own clicky-thingy. [She presses a button, which brings the garage door down]

Female Customer #1: You're really selling this?

Leni: Hello! It's a garage sale.

Lincoln: [shrugs] So, they've made some sales. [shakes his butt] My victory dance and I aren't worried.

Clyde: Wow! You're handling being in last place better than I thought.

Lincoln: [shocked] Last place? [Looks at the chalkboard] How has Lily sold $20 worth of stuff? What am I doing wrong?

Teddy bear voice: Please be my friend. [As the boy hold the teddy bear, its voice becomes distorted and the bear's head fells off, making the boy cry]

Lincoln: Err...maybe, I need to upgrade the merchandise.

[Lincoln and Clyde start going around the house, picking up various household items]

Female dance on TV: And 1, and 2, and 3. Come on now, girls.

[Lincoln and Clyde continue their raid when Lincoln looks in his parents' wardrobe and grabs Rita's wedding dress]

Clyde: Your mom's wedding dress?

Lincoln: She never wears it. Let's make some sales.

[Cut back to outside where the Loud sisters angrily watch Lincoln as he attracted a huge crowd while Clyde is holding various items]

Lincoln: Sold! To the moustache-o man in the bandana! Starting the bid at 300! We've got 300! 400! We've got 500! Sold! To the man in the blue jean tuxedo!

[Lincoln's sisters appear angry about his lack of sale]

Lori: Lincoln! What are you doing? This stuff isn't even yours!

Lincoln: So?

[The Loud sisters look at each other]

Laney: So! This is our stuff! You can't just take what's precious to you just to make a quick buck! No! We're doing this fair and- [Laney sees that all of her other sisters are gone] Square?

[The siblings race inside the house to start taking things from the house to sell, Laney runs after them. She first tries to stop Lola from selling a few of the paintings]

Laney: Stop! I'm not letting you sell our stuff!

Lola: That's the whole point of garage sales! And besides, you're just saying that so you can sell these yourself!

Laney: I told you! I don't want to compete with anyone! [Looks at a picture of preteen Lori] But you can have this if you want. [Lola snatches the pictures from her]

Laney couldn't do anything to stop her win crazy sisters from out selling each other. Soon they cleaned the house of all of their belongings. Laney just stood inside and looked around the empty living room.

Lynn Sr.: That's a wrap, kids! Goulash is served in ten.

Laney: [walks outside] Well, I hope you're happy. You've just robbed this house of it's soul. Everything's gone. Our stuff is taken away...

Lincoln: And my losing streak is over! Now, feast your eyes on my caboose because it's leaving the station.

[Suddenly Lily starts crying]

Lori: Someone give Lily her blankie.

[The Loud siblings murmur that they don't know where it is]

Laney: Sounds like someone just gave away something very special.

Lynn: [realizes in horror] Oh no! We must have sold it!

Lincoln: [unsympathetic] Yeah, yeah. Very sad. Now, if you don't mind, I'm about to do my victory dance. [Laney slaps Lincoln] Ow!

Laney: I'm sorry, Lincoln. But, shame on you! Shame one all of you! You were so caught up in one upping each other, you've lost sight of what's really important! The special things that we hold on to.

Lily: [continues crying]

Lincoln: [sighs depressed] You're right, Lanes. I'm sorry, Lily, I guess we all got a little too caught up in our competition.

[Everyone else apologizes]

Lincoln: So, your big brother is going to put the competition aside and go find your blanket.

Lola: Oh no! You're not gonna be the hero! I'm gonna find that blankie!

Lana: Not if I find it first!

[The other sisters state they'll find it first and rush off]

Lincoln: [puts Lily down] The victory dance shall be mine!

[Lily looks at the audience with a blank expression]

Laney: Unbelievable.

Luna: [knocks on the door] Hello, ma'am!

Lola: [shoves Luna aside] Did you buy a blanket?

Luna: [shoves Lola aside] At the garage sale today?

Female Customer #2: [angrily] I didn't buy a blanket, but I did buy this hunk of junk! [holds up a vacuum cleaner which explodes in her face] I want my money back.

Luna and Lola: Err... [point at each other] She sold it to you! [They run off]

[Lori and Luan race each other]

Lori: I'm getting that blanket first! [runs up to a man watering his lawn] Sir, were you at a garage today? [suddenly gets shoved by a trash can and Luan, who shoved the can, runs up]

Luan: If you want to win, you need a can-do attitude. [laughs]

[Lincoln and Lynn race each other to another house]

Lincoln: Beat it, Lynn! This is my house.

Lynn: No way! That blanket is mine!

[When there's no answer, Lincoln tries to get in through the dog flap, only to meet a very angry dog]

Lincoln: Oops! Wrong house.

[Lincoln and Lynn scream as the dog chases them]

[Cut to Lucy and Lisa at an old woman's house]

Old Woman: Hmm, I think I did buy a blanket. Why don't you come in?

Lisa: [to Lucy] First to spot the blanket gets the blanket.

[Inside]

Old Woman: It's so nice to have visitors. [gets out a book] Would you like to see my collection of bingo ribbons?

[Lincoln has managed to escape the dog]

Leni: [excitedly] I win! I found the blanket in that house right there!

Lincoln: That's not a house. That's a restaurant.

Sloppy's Worker Man: Order Number 6!

Lincoln: And you're holding a napkin.

Leni: [Holds up a purple napkin] Dang it.

[Cut back to the old woman's house where she's playing bingo with Lucy and Lisa]

Old Woman: [reading out the number] B14! Anybody...

Lucy: [whispers to Lisa] This woman does not have the blanket. Let's get out of here.

Lisa: [whispers to Lucy] Are you kidding? One more number and I've got a bingo! [to the old woman] Spin it, sister!

[Lincoln is now putting various missing posters of Lily's blanket across the park]

Lincoln: [comes up to a woman] Excuse me, ma'am, have you seen this blanket? [Lincoln runs up to a family with a baby] How about you? [spots the baby's blanket and snatches it] Ah-ha! Where did you get this?

[The baby starts crying]

[Lincoln screams as he is kicked by the baby's mother and lands in a trash can near Flip's. He gets up and spots Flip cleaning a car with a purple cloth]

Lincoln: Lily's blankie! Hey, Flip? You were at our garage sale today, weren't you?

Flip: I don't know. Gee. Maybe. I go to a lotta garage sales.

Lincoln: I need to buy that blanket back from you.

Flip: No can do! This blanket's working for me. Really gets the bird poop off.

Lincoln: Please! It's important!

Flip: Maybe we can do business but it's gonna cost ya.

[Back at the Loud House in the living room Lily is still crying]

Rita: [off-screen] Be right there, sweetie.

Lincoln: [enters the house] Good news, Lily. I've found your blanket.

Lola: No, you didn't. Because I have it.

Lori: [pushes Lola] Please, I've got it right here.

Luan: I've got it.

Lisa: No, I do.

Lynn: This is Lily's blanket.

Lincoln: You guys, I'm pretty sure this is the right one. [points to the blanket he's holding] I had to give Flip all my garage sale money for it.

Lynn: I gave Flip all my money for this one.

Luna: Me too.

Luan: So did I.

Lori: And me.

Lisa: I even gave him my bingo ribbon.

Leni: I bought a blanket from Flip too.

Luna: Err..that's a welcome mat, dude.

Leni: [looks at the "blanket" and realizes that Luna is right] Dang it.

Lincoln: I can't believe this! Flip fooled us all!

Lisa: [angrily] That gasoline-selling swindler!

Rita: [enters with a basket of clean laundry] Here you go, sweetie. [Hands Lily her real blanket] Still hot from the dryer.

Lily: [stops crying upon seeing her blanket and gurgles happily]

Lori: Are you literally joking right now? It's been here all along?

Rita: [notices the empty living room] What happened to our furniture?

Laney: Don't ask me. Ask them. [points to her sisters]

Lincoln: Err..see, we kinda got caught up in a competition.

Lori: Yeah, and we kinda sold everything.

Rita: Well, you're all kinda grounded. Except for Laney.

Lincoln: We deserve it. Laney was right, we've competed to sell everything and now we have nothing. And believe me, we've learned our lesson. No more competing.

[The rest of the Loud kids murmur in agreement]

Laney: Well, I'm just glad you learned your lesson.

Lincoln: It's too bad because I had a victory dance that would put all of you to shame.

Lola: [scoffs] I doubt that.

Lisa: The chances are slim.

Lincoln: Oh yeah? All aboard! Woot-woot! This caboose is leaving the station! [does his victory dance] Go Lincoln! Best butt shake! Toot-toot! Hmm-hmm! Oh yeah! Best butt shake!

Laney: Oh no... [covers her eyes]

Lana: You call that a victory dance? [does her own victory dance as well] Go Lana! Go Lana!

Lola: Mine's better! [does her own victory dance also]

Lori: Why do you even have a butt if that's all you gonna to do with it?

[The Loud siblings, minus Laney, all do their victory dances]

Laney: Guys, stop! You're embarrasing.

Rita: Kids! Please! [The kids stop their victory dances] This is how you do a victory dance! [does her own victory dance] Uh-huh! Go Mom! Shake that booty!

Lynn Sr.: Hah! Gimme a break! Get a load of the goulash shakedown!

[Rita and Lynn Sr. do their victory dances]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Well, now you know where we get it from. As they say, the nuts don't fall too far away from the tree. [resumes his victory dance] Ooh! Hmm-hmm! Hmm-hmm! Go Lincoln!

Laney: [laughs] Well, If you can't beat them, join them. [Does her victory dance]

Flip: [pours some chemicals into a washer fluid bottle] I'm loving these 2-for-1 chemicals. I'm gonna make a fortune selling them as windshield wiper fluid. [laughs] Suckers! [Pour another chemical into the bottle but an explosion occurs, damaging the entire gas station and leaving Flip dazed] Well, Psychic Girl was right. Business is booming.


	36. The Old and The Restless

**The Old and the Restless**

[The van drives to a retirement home and Lincoln and Laney come out]

Rita: Have fun with Pop-Pop kids, I'll see you at 6:00!

Laney: Okay mom! [Rita drives off] Thanks for letting me visit Pop Pop with you Lincoln. It's been so long since I've seen him!

[An elderly man is coming out with a box of his belongings]

Elderly Man: But..but...but...but...

Sue: [pushing elderly man out of retirement home] If you would've had your butt home by curfew, you'd still have a place to live.

[Lincoln enters retirement home and rings the bell; an elderly man taps Lincoln's shoulder then tip-toes to the side]

Lincoln & Laney: Pop-Pop! [The kids hug their grandpa]

Albert: Ha, ha, ha!

Laney: So nice to see you!

Albert: You too, Lanes! How are your sisters?

Laney: They've been better.

Lincoln: Your new place looks nice!

Albert: Thanks kiddo. It took me months to get in here. I had to wait for three people to kick the bu-uh, move out. This place has got a pool, shuffleboard tournaments, and it's filled with all my old pals. I'm really loving it here. So, what's on the day's agenda?

Lincoln: I got our whole day planned: arcade, carnival, maybe laser tag?

Sue: Wowsers! [chuckles] That sound's like oodles of fun...

Laney: Yeah! Especially the laser-

Sue: If you wanna end up in the ER. I think your grandfather will be happier spending the day here at Sunset Canyon. Right, Albert?

Albert: [sadly] Oh, yes, of course. Good call, Sue.

Lincoln: But Pop-Pop-

Albert: It's okay, Lincoln. Sue here takes real care of us. She knows best.

[Scoots comes speeding on her electrical scooter]

Sue: Scoots! [pulls out a velocity speed gun] You're going 5 miles over the speed limit! Someone just lost her pudding privileges. [runs after the speeding elder] Get back here.

Laney: She knows too much.

Lincoln: [Looks at his grandfather all happy] Hey, how 'bout a swim?

[Albert obliges and walks with Lincoln and Laney]

[Cut to the pool where Lincoln and Albert run to the pool]

Lincoln: Cannonball!

[They both stop as they here Sue's whistle]

Sue: Cannonball? That sounds like a hoot, if you want to brake a hip. Do you want to break a hip Albert?

[Albert shakes his head in a nerveless agreement]

Sue: Then why don't you grab a seat on the helper chair?

[An elder is on the helper chair with a line of elders waiting for their turn]

Albert: [Disappointed] Good call, Sue. [Walks towards the helper chair]

Sue: [Looks towards Lincoln] And speaking of pool safety, I have something for you two.

[Lincoln and Laney are floating unhappy in the pool, wearing life vests and water nose-plugs]

Laney: I'm one for safety, but even I think this is too much.

Albert: Okay, kids splash fight in 3,2,- [gets interrupted by Sue's whistle]

Sue: Everybody out! Time to reapply sunblock.

Albert: [Disappointed] Aww.

[He goes back up in the helper chair]

Lincoln: [looks at Sue, confused] But we're indoors.

Albert: [Still disappointed; looks at Lincoln] Now Lincoln, Sue knows best.

[The kids swim away off-screen]

Seymour: [In the pool on a purple water noddle] But Sue I-I just got the hang of this noodle and I- [gets interrupted by Sue]

Sue: Okay, Seymour, you can stay in the water. If you want your skin to flake off like a burnt potato!

Seymour: [Disappointed, paddling backwards] Oh..good call Sue...

[Cut to room where Albert and Lincoln are playing Twister. Lincoln spins the board]

Lincoln: Left foot red!

[Albert tries to stretches his left foot onto a red panel and blows a raspberry upon placing it. Lincoln spins again, but Sue stomps on the arrow]

Sue: Well, doesn't this look like a great way to end up in traction? Why don't you go help Scoots with her cat puzzle?

[Scoots is eating from the pudding dispenser despite having her privileges taken away]

Sue: [blows her whistle] I EXPRESSLY SAID NO PUDDING!

Scoots: You'll never catch me, SHREW! [laughs and scoots off while Sue gives chase and keeps blowing her whistle]

[Albert's room]

Lincoln: Pop-Pop, you really need a nap?

Laney: I can certainly use one. I am so sick of Sue's rules!

Albert: Now now, Laney. Sue knows best.

Laney: "Sue knows best" "Sue knows best". Sue does NOT know best!

Lincoln: Can't you see what Sue's done to you? She's convinced you you're old and frail. But you're not. The last time we hung out, you crushed those Navy SEAL's in paintball.

[Flashback to the SEAL's screaming and being splattered by Albert who comes swinging on a vine vigorously; end flashback]

Albert: Ho, ho. I took it to 'em. But that was years ago, Lincoln.

Lincoln: It was last month. Pop-Pop, I think we should go have a fun day out on the town like we used to.

Albert: Okay, you sold me. Let's blow this popsicle stand!

[Sue is monitoring the lobby when she spots Lincoln and Pop-Pop heading out the door]

Sue: Where are you three Peppy Pete's off to? Albert, shouldn't you be in bed?

Lincoln: He's not tired.

Sue: [sarcastic] Oh, I didn't realize we had geriatric experts on the premises.

Laney: Well these experts knows best unlike some people! [Sue glares at Laney]

Lincoln: We're just going out to have some fun.

Sue: We'll that sounds like a good way to miss our 6:00 PM curfew. And you know what happens if you miss curfew. You'll be out on your proverbial keister.

Albert: [nervous] Uh...come on, kids. Race you to the shuffleboard court.

Laney: No! [Laney stops Albert] We're taking Pop Pop on a well needed day out of this maximum security prison!

Lincoln: And we promise we'll be back by 6:00 o'clock curfew.

Albert: Hm, okay, kiddo. Lead the way.

[Just as they're about to leave, Sue points to her watch to remind Lincoln not to be late as he smiles nervously, Laney blows a rasberry at her]

[At Dine 'N' Dance, Lincoln, Laney, and Albert are ordering lunch]

Lincoln: Two cheeseburgers, three fries, and three chocolate shakes.

Albert: Oh, not for me. I'll just have the cottage cheese and melon slices. [His grandson looks at him confused] Sue says I should stick to food that's a little easier to digest.

Lincoln: This from the guy who cleaned out an entire Chinese buffet?

[Flashback to Albert eating everything at the buffet, forcing the family who owns the restaurant to close up shop; end flashback]

Albert: [chuckles] I took it to 'em. Ah, what the heck? I'll have what he's havin'. And put chili on everything!

Laney: Not everything. Unlike my grampa, my stomach's delicate.

[After lunch, Lincoln and Albert are stuff and Albert passes gas]

Laney: Ew. Pop Pop!

Albert: Wasn't me! Someone must've stepped on a frog.

[They laugh]

Waitress: [announcing] Hey, hap cats and kittens! It's time to do the twist!

[A 50's style greaser dances with one of the waitresses and another waitress offers to dance with Albert]

Albert: [unsure] Uh, thank you, but I really shouldn't. Sue says dancing is a great way to slip a disk.

Lincoln: But, Pop-Pop, you love to dance.

Albert: They did call me "Jitterbug" in the Army. [dances with the waitress after all]

Waitress: Woo-hoo! [laughs gleefully while dancing with Albert]

And so for the rest of the day, Lincoln, Laney, and their Pop Pop has spent day together. Playing Laser tag, carnival rides, mountain climbing, and seeing whoever can go the longest without brain freeze.

[Lincoln gets him and his Pop-Pop two hot dogs and notices he made a new friend]

Albert: Lincoln, Laney, my new friend T-Bone here was just telling me about a mechanical bull riding competition.

Laney: Well, tell him some other time. We gotta get back before 6:00. Sue said-

Albert: Aw, nuts to Sue! You were right about her! She got me thinking I'm an old geezer. But I still got some pep in my step. [shows off a few dance moves] Huh? Huh?

Lincoln: Yeah, but Sue said if we miss curfew, you'll be out on your proverbial keister.

Albert: [finishes his hot dog] You let me deal with Sue. Now, you ready to saddle up?

Lincoln: Pop-Pop, we can't.

Albert: Okay, worrywarts, then I'm outta here. Let's ride, T-Bone!

[The biker and the geezer head off]

Lincoln: Pop-Pop, wait! What have I done? [the two chases after his Pop-Pop down the street and spots the motorcycle parked next to a bar] T-Bone's bike!

Laney: But, where's Pop Pop?

Lincoln: Maybe he's in there. [points to a bar the bike was parked in]

Laney: [nervous] Um, you go on ahead. I'll stay here...

Lincoln: Come on! [Lincoln grabs Laney and they enter the bar] Mr. Bone, do you know where our grandpa is?

T-Bone: Oh, you mean Cowboy Al?

Laney: Cowboy Al?

T-Bone: Your Pop's bull rindin' name. Haven't seen him since he won the competition.

[T-Bone shows a recording he took of Albert on the mechanical bull on his phone]

Recording Albert: YEE-HAW!

Lincoln: Well, if he's not here, where is he?

Laney: I may have an idea. [Points to the bar's TV where a baseball game is on]

Sportscaster: Martinez goes back for the catch, and...what in blazes? There's an old man on the field, in his boxers! And there go the boxers.

[Lincoln and Laney cover their eyes upon hearing that last part]

Lincoln: To the ballpark! [they leave the bar]

[Sterrett Field. Albert gets kicked out for that little incident and a crowd comes raging out and seems to have carried him off. Now Albert is skateboarding off a half-pipe and lands right on a breakdancing stage in style. The heavy metal band Horns on a Rabbit then grabs him and takes him in their van where he performs sax on stage with them with the crowd raving as he then performs a stage dive outside of the theater with Lincoln and Laney trying to catch up every which way to no avail]

Laney: Lincoln! It's 5:30!

Lincoln: Pop-Pop's curfew is in 30 minutes.

[He then looks up to see that he's riding a plane, skywriting "Pop-Pop Rules". He grabs some passerby's glasses to get a better look while said passerby crashes off-screen]

Albert: LOOK OUT, WORLD! ALBERT'S ABOUT TO TAKE IT TO YA! [jumps out of the plane] YAHOO-AH!

[Lincoln yelps and he and Laney rush to where Albert's gonna land; the old man lands somewhere in the trees nearby and lets out a fart]

Lincoln: Pop-Pop!

Albert: Whoops! Guess I had too much chili. Sorry, kiddos. I think I overdid it a little today.

Laney: You think?

Lincoln: That's okay, Pop-Pop. If we hurry, we can still get you back in time. Hold on. [proceeds to get him down]

[Back at Sunset Canyon, Lincoln and Albert reach the front door only to find that Sue's patrolling the lobby again and split up. She gets out her keys, ready to lock up, and looks at her watch which shows it's a few minutes before curfew]

Sue: Ah, close enough. [locks up]

[Lincoln tries to open the front door, but it's no use]

Lincoln: Dang it!

Sue: [on voice box] Attention, residents! Time for room check!

Albert: Double dang it!

Bernie: Psst! Al! Up here!

[Laney, Lincoln, and Albert turn to the others at their windows]

Bernie: We saw you at the ball game on TV. Didn't know you were a boxers guy.

Seymour: I saw your name in the sky, Al. You really do rule!

Scoots: We're not gonna let Shrew kick you outta here. Come on, you old farts! I need your canes!

[Laney, Lincoln, and Albert smile with hope; meanwhile, Sue's checking on the rooms]

Sue: Evening, Melba. Ah ah ah! No liquids before bed.

[Scoots hooks Seymour and Bernie's canes down to Lincoln and Albert who use them like a climbing rope and get up to her room, but Sue is checking up on that room next only to see Scoots]

Scoots: [chuckles] Just workin' on my cat puzzle.

[As soon as Sue leaves, Lincoln and Albert pop out from behind her sofa]

Lincoln and Albert: Phew.

Sue: [preparing to check Albert's room] Albert?

[Seymour comes out in a towel holding a shower head]

Seymour: Sue! Help! I can't turn my shower off.

[Sue goes into Seymour's room to help him out and Albert and Lincoln sneak over to the door to Albert's room only to find it's locked. Albert checks his pockets]

Albert: Nuts. Can't find my key.

Bernie: I got ya. You gave me a spare.

[They enter Bernie's room and get the spare key]

Lincoln: Thanks, Bernie.

[They use the key and get into Albert's room]

Lincoln: We did it!

Albert: We sure took it to Sue.

[They fist bump, but...]

Sue: Oh, did you, now?

Laney: Yeah, we sure did! That sticky old monkey, didn't see us coming!

Lincoln: Laney?

Laney: Sure I'm not one to break rules. But the rules that shrew makes are totally unfair!

Albert: Laney?

Laney: I'm surprised you guys haven't stood up to her! I mean she's only one stubborn nurse! She-

Sue: Ahem! [Laney turns around to see Sue is behind her]

Laney: Oh dear...

[Now, Albert is being kicked out of the home]

Lincoln: But-but-but-but-

Sue: No buts. You missed curfew and it's out on your keister!

Lincoln: We're sorry, Pop-Pop. We never should have made you leave today. And now you're getting kicked out. I know how much you loved it here.

Albert: No worries, kiddo. I regret nothing. You see that day we just had? I don't wanna be livin' in a place that makes me feel like an old geezer anyhow.

[Lincoln and Laney smile at what their Pop-Pop just said]

Sue: Who cares? Let's get moving.

[Enter Scoots]

Scoots: Hold on there, Shrew. If you kick Albert out, then you gotta kick me out, too.

Sue: [mercilessly] With pleasure.

Seymour: And us, too!

[All the seniors are shown to be standing up for Albert]

Bernie: Yeah! You won't have much of a seniors' center without seniors! Zing! That's a burn from Bernie!

[The seniors and Sue eye each other back and forth]

Sue: [defeated] Fine! Albert stays! NOW GO BACK TO YOUR ROOMS!

Albert: We'll go back when we're good and ready! We're not babies and you're gonna stop treating us that way!

[Sue viciously snaps her clipboard in half and stomps away while the seniors and Lincoln and Laney hold Albert, but that proves to be a mistake as they drop him on their frail bodies and they moan in pain]

Albert: There goes the hip.

[Rita drives the van up to pick up Lincoln and Laney with his grandpa waving to his daughter]

Rita: Hi, Dad! Come on, kids!

Laney: Thanks for the fun day, Pop Pop!

Albert: So long, kiddos! I can't wait for your next visit. [winks] And bring your chaps in case we wanna do some bull riding. And my parachute.

Laney: Thanks, but maybe we can do something less dangerous next time?

Seymour: [from inside] Hey, Big Al! We're having a celebratory late night swim!

Albert: Don't need 'em! Till next time, kids! [heads inside and takes off all his clothes, throwing them out at the van]

Scoots: Now this guy knows how to party!

[The expressions on their faces indicates they doesn't wanna see that]


	37. Baby Steps

**Baby Steps**

[It is night time in the Loud House. In Lincoln's room he is sleeping with his dog Charles. His walkie talkie comes on itself]

Lincoln: [jumps on his bed in surprise] AAAAHHH!

Clyde: Slumberjack! Come in! It's Night Owl!

[Lincoln opens his drawer of toys and grabbed his walkie talkie]

Clyde: Slumberjack! Do you read me?

Lincoln: Clyde?

Clyde: Sorry about the late hour but I have the best news ever!

Lincoln: Lori found the book of poems you wrote about her and realized she's in love with you?

Clyde: Okay, second best news ever. My dads are having another baby! [Lincoln gasps] I'm gonna be a big brother!

Lincoln: Clyde, that's amazing! Did they just tell you?

Clyde: Well, not exactly. But I've been noticing clues for a while.

[Flashback starts with Clyde in the laundry room, walks out with a mop and a bucket of things to clean with. Clyde stops and looks at the clothes from the washing machine]

Clyde: Baby clothes?

[Second flashback starts with Clyde in the kitchen, opening the refrigerator to grab a carton of milk. He opens the dishwasher, he saw baby bottles.]

Clyde: Baby bottles?

[Third flashback of Clyde bringing his cat Cleopawtra home]

Clyde: Come on, Cleopawtra.

[Clyde see his dads, Harold with 2 nails in his mouth and holding a hammer, and Howard with a notepad and pencil]

Harold: There. Can't be too safe with a little one on the loose.

Howard: [sighs] That reminds me, we need to secure loose cables, and cover the outlets, and lock up the cleaning supplies.

[Flashback ends back to Lincoln and Clyde]

Clyde: So it was pretty clear what was going on. But I wasn't positive until about 5 minutes ago.

[Flashback starts with Clyde walking in the bathroom at night and Howard and Harold talking to each other in their bedroom]

Harold: Well, Howie, I think our home is ready. But what about our hearts? Do we really have room for another little bundle of joy?

[Clyde peeks out of the bathroom holding a roll of toilet paper staring at the viewers]

Howard: Of course we do, Harebear. [gasps] I cannot wait to surprise Clyde.

[Clyde dances out of the bathroom; flashback ends back with Lincoln and Clyde]

Clyde: Being a big brother is the most important job I'll ever have. Apart from being Lori's soulmate. I need to make sure I'm ready for it!

Lincoln: You woke up the right guy Clyde. I got the Big Brother thing down to a science. Why don't you spend a day shadowing me so you can learn firsthand?

Clyde: Sweet! I'm on my way. [gets off his bed and puts on his jacket]

Lincoln: Love that enthusiasm, Night Owl, but it's 1:00 AM.

Clyde: [chuckles] Right. See you at 9:00, Slumber Jack.

Lincoln: Sleep well, Night Owl.

The next day at Lincoln's house...

[Cuts to next morning]

Lincoln: Okay, Clyde, allow me to introduce Lincoln Louds 3 C's of Big Brothering: Confidence, caring, and when all else fails, cookies. [passes Clyde a fanny pack full of cookies]

Clyde: [takes a cookie out] Snickerdoodles, my favorite.[Tries to eat one, but Lincoln takes it away]

Lincoln: Ah ah ah. Those aren't for us. Now, time to start my rounds so you can observe the 3 C's in action. [puts on a fanny pack]

[As they step out of the room, Lily starts crying]

Lincoln: Hear that? [sporting sunglasses] First big brother cue of the day!

[Lily is crying because she smashed her thumb with her toy hammer while playing with her hardware toys, showing a red soreness spot]

Lincoln: First up, Confidence. [walks up to Lily] Don't worry, Lily. Your big brother's here to help. Let's get a look at that thumb of yours. [looks at it] Just what I thought: a boo-boo. This calls for caring.

[Clyde takes notes]

Lincoln: Aw. I'm sorry you got such a bad ouchie. But we can make it better. [kisses it, gives Lily her corn popper and takes her hammer; thumbs up to Clyde]

Clyde: Wow. You didn't even need a cookie.

Lily: Cookie? [begs for one]

Lincoln: [giving Lily a cookie] Sometimes it's safer to spell.

[off in the distance]

Lola: LANA! STOP IT!

Lana: MAKE ME!

Lincoln: Sounds like a twin fight. This should be very educational.

[Lola and Lana are having a big fight in their room]

Lincoln: Alright, Clyde, what do you think we need here?

Clyde: [going through his notes] Um... confidence?

[Lincoln steps in and breaks up the fight between the twins who are dressed as a princess and a knight]

Lincoln: What seems to be the problem?

Lola: Lana's supposed to be guarding my Princess tower, not attacking it!

Lincoln: Now, Lana-

Lana: Aw, guarding is boring! Attacking is cool! [attacks the tower made out of cushions with her toy sword]

Lincoln: Clyde, any guesses?

Clyde: Um... caring?

Lincoln: [nods to Clyde; to the twins] I think I know a compromise that will make you both happy. [wraps a dirty old robe around him and attacks the tower] The evil troll is attacking your tower! Rawr!

Twins: [bursting with excitement] GET HIM!

[In Laney's room; Laney struggles to think of something to write. Lincoln and Clyde enter]

Lincoln: Something wrong, Laney?

Laney: I just can't think of anything to write about.

Lincoln: For what?

Laney: My journal. I want to talk about what been happening with our family and I just can't think of anything...

Clyde: Confidence?

Lincoln: You got it. [To Laney] Don't worry, Laney. There's always stuff happening in this house. I'm sure you'll think of something. You've always had.

Laney: Gee, thanks Lincoln. [Hugs her brother]

Clyde: Wow, Lincoln. We didn't even need the cookies- [realizing what he just said, Clyde covers his mouth]

Laney: Oh, you have cookies? May I have one? [Lincoln grabs a cookie from his fanny pack and gives it to Laney, She then notices Lincoln's black eye] Oh dear. You have a black eye.

Lincoln: Yeah, I had a run in with the twins.

Laney: Come on. I'll get you an ice pack. [Laney walks with Lincoln to the kitchen]

Lincoln: [To Clyde] Now this tip's very important: When you're there for your brother, he's there for you. [Clyde gives Lincoln a thumbs up]

[The three go into the kitchen, where Laney is getting Lincoln some ice for his black eye. Enter Lisa]

Lincoln: [with frozen peas on his black eye] What can I help you with, Lisa? Lab explosion? Nuclear crisis?

Lisa: No. I have a hankering for a PBJ.

Lincoln: Coming right up! [begins making a sandwich]

Lisa: [to Clyde] I can isolate uranium, but they won't let me use a butter knife. Also, I like the way Lincoln makes my sandwiches.

Lincoln: [with the completed sandwich] Here you go. Easy on the jelly, crusts cut off, and sliced into four right triangles for optimum mouth fit.

Lisa: [takes it] Thank you. Technically, they're isosceles, but I'm not gonna bite the hand that feeds me.

[As she walks off and Lincoln is putting the sandwich supplies away, Lucy pops out of nowhere]

Lincoln: AAH! [drops sandwich supplies]

Lucy: Hey, Lincoln, could you help me with a poem for school? I need a rhyme for "tomb".

Lincoln: [washing himself off and thinking] Hmm... Gloom? Doom? Powder room?

Lucy: I knew I could depend on you. [smells something] Do I smell snickerdoodles?

[Lincoln gives her one and she leaves]

Clyde: It's a real pleasure to watch a master at work.

Lincoln: Eh, I've had a lot of practice.

Laney: [To Clyde] So what brings you here?

Clyde: My parents are getting a baby. So Lincoln's teaching me how to be a big brother.

[From upstairs]

Lana: GIVE IT!

Lisa: NO, YOU GIVE IT!

Laney: In that case.. [To Lincoln] Mind if I take over?

Lincoln: Not at all. [To Clyde] You ready to get some practice, too?

Clyde: Heck, yes! [heads upstairs to the source of the feud] Okay, Clyde. Confidence. [walks forward to the fight] Um, hey guys. Do you think you could just- [not getting their attention; steps forward and gets bitten] AGH! That was my foot! [regains confidence] What seems to be the problem here?

[Lana and Lisa stop fighting]

Lana: You? Where's Lincoln?

Clyde: Laney and I are temporarily filling in for him and I would be happy to help you settle your differences.

Lana: Lisa stole my best rat, Bitey!

Lisa: Who's Bitey? This is Subject 57A.

[The rat leaps at Clyde who yelps in fright and stops him from attacking him]

Clyde: Uh, well, you both seem attached to it, and I want to be fair.

[At that moment, Lucy appears out of the vent and scares him, making him lose Bitey while Lana and Lisa resuming fighting]

Lucy: Hey, Clyde, I need advice. How do you know you've met your soulmate?

Clyde: Oh. Uh, wow. That's some serious stuff. How much time do you have?

[Lola steps out of her room with a ribbon]

Lola: LINCOLN! [notices Clyde] CLYDE! Help me choreograph my ribbon dance!

Clyde: Hold on a sec, Lucy. [checking his notes] Did Lincoln even go over ribbon dancing?

Laney: No he has not.

[Lily comes out with her corn popper which has a hole in the doome]

Lily: [whimpers] Boo-boo!

Laney: Oh! Okay, Lily. Calm down.

Clyde: Just another minute, Lucy. Hang on, Lola. [picks up the toy and drops the balls out of them] Whoops!

[Lily starts crying]

Clyde: No, no, no, no, no. Wait. It's all okay. Shh. Shh.

Laney: I got it. [Laney holds Lily and gently rocks her]

[Bitey then climbs up his pant leg, making him yelp again and trip over one of the popper's balls. The girls gather around Clyde and demand that they help him with their problems. Seeing no way out, he knows what he has to do. He takes off the pack and...]

Clyde: JUST TAKE THE COOKIES! [tosses them; the girls and Bitey look on and see the cookies flying through the air and go after them. The minute he's free, Clyde runs downstairs and for the door ]

Laney: Clyde, wait!

Lincoln: Clyde! What happened?

[Clyde opens the door only to run into his dream girl]

Clyde: L-L-L-L-Lori? [gets a nosebleed and passes out as Lincoln holds him]

Lori: Whatever. [walks away inside]

[Back in Lincoln's room, Clyde comes to his senses]

Lincoln: Clyde! Talk to me, buddy. What happened back there?

Clyde: [sighs] I failed at the 3 C's.

Lincoln: What? How is that possible? You're the most caring person I know. And you make great cookies.

Clyde: It's the confidence I'm struggling with. [panicking] What if I give bad crush advice, and my future sibling gets their heart broken? Or what if I can't choreograph a ribbon dance, and they drop out of school and start holding up convenience stores? I'm going to be a terrible big brother!

Lincoln: CLYDE! You're spiraling! You can do this. Just get out there and try again.

Clyde: I can't, Lincoln! I don't have the confidence you do. And I never will.

Lincoln: It's okay, buddy. How about we just forget the whole training thing and play some video games?

Clyde: That sounds great.

Lincoln: I'll just go grab us some snacks. [leaves]

[Later, while Clyde is playing, there's a knock at the door]

Clyde: [flinches] Who's there? [Laney comes into the room]

Laney: It's just me Clyde.

Clyde: Oh, it's just you Laney.

Laney: I just wanted to see if you are okay. I mean, that was a big fuss back there.

Clyde: You're telling me! There were so many things I wasn't prepare for! Like ribbon dancing, or poems, or...

Laney: Hey, hey. It's gonna be okay. Look, I know it's hard to prepare for having a brother. And sometimes, having a sibling isn't as easy as you think. And trust me, I know. But your gonna be a big brother. And big brothers got to have faith. And you'll see, change. I just know that you'll make the right descicion. [Clyde smiles at her]

Clyde: Wow, thanks Laney. Lincoln sure is lucky to have sister like you around.

Laney: [giggles] Thank you. [Walks away, just then Lisa enters]

Lisa: Lincoln?

Clyde: [startled] AAH! SISTER! [calmly] I mean, hi, Lisa.

Lisa: I require assistance securing my shoestrings.

Clyde: Aren't you a certified genius?

Lisa: Yes. Which is why there is no room in my brain for such trivialities.

[Clyde ties her shoe]

Lisa: Thanks, Clyde. You're a lifesaver. [leaves]

[Lucy appears right behind Clyde]

Lucy: Where's Lincoln?

Clyde: YAH! I mean, you might wanna try the kitchen.

Lucy: That's a long walk. I need a rhyme for... Lori.

Clyde: Really? Well, I've got about a hundred! Story, glory, Montessori... [writing all of them down much later] ... and inventory. Now, those are just the ones in English.

Lucy: Thanks, Clyde. You're a lifesaver.

[As she leaves, Lola comes driving by in her princess car]

Lola: Where's Lincoln? I need him to show me how to buckle my seat belt.

Clyde: Oh. Well, that's simple enough. Why don't I show you? Just insert the metal fitting into the buckle and pull tightly across your waist. To release, simply press the center button.

Lola: [buckles up] Oh. I never could have figured that out. [hugs Clyde who smiles confidently] You're a lifesaver, Clydey. [drives off]

[Lily crawls in with a storybook]

Clyde: You... you want me to read to you?

[Lily nods]

[Clyde sits down and reads with Lily; later]

Clyde: **And "Z" is for "Zucchini". The end.**

[Lily laughs and claps. Clyde smiles feeling confident now and heads to the kitchen]

Clyde: Hey, Lincoln! Guess what? I think I have the missing C now! [notices Lincoln's not there] Lincoln?

[From outside]

Lola: Okay, I did the damsel in distress act. Now where's my 5 bucks?

[It is shown that Lincoln is paying his sisters for pretending to need Clyde's help]

Lucy: Yeah, pay up.

Lisa: I should be doubly compensated for having to act like such an ignoramus.

Clyde: [lividly] YOU STAGED THAT WHOLE THING?!

Lincoln: Clyde! I can explain! I was just trying to boost your confidence! [Enter Laney]

Laney: What's going on?

Clyde: Oh! And I bet you paid Laney to say all those things about being a brother huh?!

Laney: What is he talking about? [Clyde approaches Lincoln and angrily gives him Lily]

Clyde: I think I should go. [leaves in a huff]

Lincoln: Clyde, wait!

[Lily grabs her payment]

Laney: What's going on?

Lincoln: I might have paid my sisters to pretend to let Clyde help them..

Laney: What?!

Lincoln: It was only so I could help Clyde be confident about his new brother!

Laney: [crosses her arms] Lying and faking is not what brothers do! At least I was honest with him. Unlike you all! [Points to her sisters and she leaves]

Laney was walking to find Clyde, hoping to apologize for her brother's setup. But when she finds him, she discovers that Clyde was helping Lana and her pet rat Bitey out of a tree.

Laney: [Walks over to Clyde and Lana] What happend?

Lana: Bitey and I were stuck in a tree. But Clyde helped us down! Thanks Clyde! You're a real lifesaver! [runs off and waves to him as he waves back]

Laney: Is that true? Did you save her?

Clyde: I sure did. I guess all of what Lincoln taught me really paid off.

Laney: Yeah, speaking of. I apologize for Lincoln tricking you like that. I just want you to know that he didn't pay me to say what I said to you earlier. I meant every word.

Clyde: Gee, thanks. I know I said this earlier, but Lincoln really is lucky to have a sister like you around. I hope my new brother is as nice and kind as you.

Laney: [blushes] Why... thank you.

Lincoln: [arriving just in time] Clyde! I thought you left. Look, I owe you an apology.

Clyde: It's okay, Lincoln. I finally got my confidence. For real this time. I gotta go tell my dads I'm ready to be a big brother! [heads home]

Lincoln: [impressed with his friend's breakthrough] Good luck, buddy. You're gonna do great.

Laney: I'm sure he will.

[off in the distance]

Lola: Lisa, move your big butt!

Lisa: Move your own oversized posterior!

Lincoln: Ah, a big brother's work is never done.

As Lincoln walks off to do his big brother job. Laney walks up to her room and began to write about her day with Clyde.

[Laney is seen writing in her journal in her room]

 ** _Dear Journal,_**

 ** _Today, Lincoln was helping Clyde learn how to be a big brother. It wasn't easy, especially when it comes to our family, but Lincoln and I helped him get the confidence he needed to care for the new baby. And I'm sure he'll be a great big brother to him. He seems so nice and considerate, and a little organized. Kinda like me. And I bet It'll be easier for him to care for one sibling instead of ten others._**

[Laney smiles. That night, at Clyde's house during dessert]

Clyde: [overjoyed] I already know what it is! We're having a baby, and I'm gonna be a big brother! And it's gonna be great, 'cause Lincoln taught me the three C's, and I can't wait to start baking cookies, and-

Harold: Clyde, you're spiraling.

Howard: And did you say "baby"?

Clyde: Yeah. I saw the bottles, and the clothes, and I heard you guys talking.

[Howard and Harold look at each other awkwardly]

Harold: I'm afraid there's been a bit of a mix-up. Your dad and I haven't been preparing for a baby.

[Clyde looks on devastated to hear that]

Howard: We've been preparing for... [picks something up] ... A KITTEN! Meet Cleopawtra's sister, Nepurrtiti. We finally got to bring her home from the shelter today.

[Nepurrtiti gets up in Clyde's arm and nuzzles against him]

Clyde: Wow. She's perfect. And just so you guys know, if you ever do decide to have another human child, I'm totally ready for it.

[Harold and Howard look on confused, but then smile. Sometime later, Cleopawtra and Nepurrtiti are nuzzling together and Clyde's dads are leaving the house]

Howard: We'll be back in an hour. You okay keeping an eye on the kitties?

Clyde: [nods] I've got the three C's: Caring, Confidence, and Cat treats.

[The cats attack him and get into the cat treats]

Clyde: Whoops. Guess I should have spelled that.


	38. Brawl in the Family

**Brawl in the Family**

It all started just like any normal day in the Loud house. Laney was quietly reading a book and enjoing the company of her sisters. But just then Lori came in.

Lori: Guys! Check out this dress I found at the mall! It's literally one of a kind!

Lori's sisters: Oooohh...

Leni: [enters the room with her dress] O-M-Gosh, you guys! Look at this dress I found at the mall!

[The sisters gasp due to Lori and Leni having the same dress]

Leni: [walks up to Lori] Ooohh...when did we put a mirror in the living room?

Lori: That's not a mirror, that's me! Now go take your dress back!

Leni: What? No! You take yours back!

Laney: Wait! Can't we just agree to disagree?

Lori: Okay. I agree that this dress is better on me and disagree that it's better on her! [Points to Leni]

Leni: Yeah? Well, that dress makes you look like Aunt Ruth!

Lori: Take that back!

Leni: Take that dress back! [the two growl at each other]

Laney: Guys, wait! We shouldn't fight! There's gotta be something I can do to fix this! [Luna grabs Laney]

Luna: Don't get involved in politics, Lanes. [The other sisters whistle and head upstairs]

[That very afternoon, Lincoln was

histling as he goes to the couch, but the living room is empty. Then, he walks over to the kitchen, only to find out that Luna is blocking the entrance.]

Luna: Sorry bro, kitchen's off limits. Lori's in there cooling off. She and Leni had a major throwdown.

Lincoln: Yeah, sad story. But I'm hungry.

Lisa: [As Lincoln was about to walk into the kitchen.] Fear not, male sibling. You should be able to satiate your appetite by forging under the couch cushions. [holds out the bagel] See what I scored?

Lincoln: Ooh, an everything bagel. [eats the bagel]

Lisa: [takes the bagel from Lincoln] Mmm...correction, a plain bagel with lint, dog hair, [gasps] Gadzooks! Is that a booger?

[Lincoln surprised, runs to the bathroom to throw up.]

Lincoln: [To Lana] Do not eat the couch bagel.

Lana: Sorry, bathroom's off limits. Leni is in there cooling off from the fight. [hand Lincoln a bucket.] Here, use this.

Lincoln: A bucket? [gulps]

Lana: Don't knock it till you try it.

[Lincoln gives a look of discontent]

[In the living room, Lola, Lynn, Laney, and Lucy are reading. Lincoln enters the room with a bowl of popcorn and wearing monster truck fan attire. Lincoln is about to take the remote. His sisters, after staring at him, beat him up then continue reading.]

Lynn: Sorry, TV's off limits.

Lincoln: [Annoyed] Aw, come on! Why?

Lola: Lori and Leni are on edge. You watching a Monster Truck Rally is not going to help them.

Lincoln: This is ridiculous! What are they even fighting about?

Laney: Leni and Lori have the same dress and now they won't speak to each other.

Lincoln: That's it? You gotta be kidding me! Clyde and I wear the same shirt on picture day, and we didn't care. [flashback to where he and Clyde wear the same shirt on a school picture day. End flashback]

Lucy: It's a sister thing. You wouldn't understand.

Lincoln: Well, let's go help them work it out. So we can have our house back. [Lynn stops him with her hockey stick] Oof!

Lynn: Negative. In this family, we have a sister fight protocol. Butt out, and let them resolve it on their own. That goes for you too, Laney.

Laney: But I know I can resolve this! This family needs my voice of reason!

Lola: Your heart's in the right place, Laney. But, you're playing with fire.

Laney: But someone has to go up there and calm them down!

Lynn: You don't even know what you're doing. Stay down before you have another one of your "episodes".

Laney: [stands up] You'll see! I'm going to stop this silly feud, without the help your protocol! [walks upstairs, as she gets to Lori and Leni's room, Lincoln joins her] Lincoln? You want to help too?

Lincoln: You bet! Because I have a protocol, too! Which is I don't like pooping in a bucket! [knocks on Lori and Leni's bedroom door and opens the door as he and Laney walk in. He sighs] Hey guys. Now look, I know you've been having a little problem. Maybe we can work something out.

Lori: Lincoln, can you tell Leni that the only way we can work it out is if she takes that dress back to the store?

Leni: Laney, can you Lori that taffeta makes her look fat?

Lori: [angrily] WHAT?! How dare you call me fat!

Laney: Uh, okay! Let's calm down for a moment and think about this. You two have been very close together. Are you really gonna break it up because the two of you have the same dress?

Lori Leni: YES!

Lincoln: Okay. Leni, why don't you just return the dress? Lori once said blue makes you look washed out anyway.

Leni: [to Lori] Wait, what?!

Laney: Lincoln?

Lincoln: Okay, okay. Lori, how about you return the dress? [behind him, Laney signals Lincoln to stop talking] Leni says taffeta makes you look like Aunt Ruth. And who wants that? Am I right? [Lori gasps]

Lori: [to Leni] Excuse me?!

Laney: Oh no...

Lincoln: So what do you say? Ready to hug it out?

Lori: Uh, no we are not! She thinks I look like Aunt Ruth!

Leni: [To Lori] You insulted my skin tone! [She and Lori argue at each other. Laney grabs Lincoln and they got out of the room. Just then, the other sisters were angry at him for making the fight worse.]

Lynn: Ugh, nice job Lincoln! We told you two to stay out of it!

Lisa: Based on rising decibel levels, I'm up in the threat level in the house from thunderstorm to hissing cats. Sisters, to your stations!

Lincoln: Uh, what's going on?

Lola: Let us handle it.

[The next scene, Lincoln is in his room reading manga. Luna and Luan enter the room, which scares Lincoln.]

Luna: Scram, dude. We need your room.

Lincoln: What? Why?

Luan: Lori's approaching the sector, and we can't risk a run-in with Leni.

[Luna pushes Lincoln out of his room as walks back in, as Luan pushes Leni in there.]

Lucy: [voice] Abort, abort. Leni is headed back up. [Luna and Luan pushes Lori into Lincoln's room.]

Lori: Ah!

Lincoln: [As Luna and Luan enter the room with Lori.] Ah!

Luan: Lincoln, make like a drum and beat it! [chuckles] Get it? But seriously, out.

[Lincoln is kicked out of his room. Leni walks back upstairs and goes to her room as she slams the door.]

Lincoln: [sighs]

[Later that night, it is dinner time.]

Lynn Sr.: ...And then Mort realized he was drinking regular, not decaf! [starts laughing]

Lori: [Rises up from her chair] Dinner was delicious, Mom.

Rita: Thanks, sweetie!

[Lori walks out of the dining room]

Lincoln: Yeah, thanks, Mom. I am stuffed.

Rita: Well, I hope you saved room for dinner.

Laney: But didn't we just have dinner?

Lynn Sr.: Sister fight protocol. Lori and Leni dine separately.

Rita: And we have to eat with them both. So they don't think we're taking sides.

[In the next scene, they dine with Leni.]

Lynn Sr.: And then Mort realized he was drinking regular, not decaf! [laughs, Leni laughs as well]

Laney: [sighs]

Rita: Laney, you've barely touched your second dinner. What's wrong?

Laney: I'll tell you what's wrong. All this is wrong! Something's got to be done about this!

Lynn Sr.: Honey, you have to respect the protocol. Let Lori and Leni solve this on there own.

Laney: But I'm a sister too! I know I can help! Sibling are supposed to be there for each other!

Lincoln: Come on, Laney. Let's just go to bed. [sighs]

[Lincoln walks to his bedroom, until he realizes that his sheets and blanket are missing. He walks out of his bedroom. Lana whistles while she walks out of the bathroom with her plunger.]

Lincoln: Hey, what gives? What happened to my sheets and blanket?

Lana: Sister fight protocol. We used them to make a divider in Lori and Leni's room.

Lincoln: Well, what am I supposed to sleep under? [Lana shoves him to his room.]

Lana: Try this. [Dumps all the dirty laundry clothes on Lincoln and laughs]

Lincoln: [Fed up] Alright, that's it!

Lana: Lincoln, what are you doing? [knocks on every door for every sister younger than Lori and Leni] Guys, we have a situation.

Laney: What now?

[Lincoln angrily walks into Lori and Leni's room and takes down the divider. Lori and Leni gasp while the others watch.]

Lincoln: I'm done with this! You guys and your stupid fight have ruined the whole day! It's time to get over it and make up!

Luan: Lincoln, this has to run it's course. Sister fight protocol.

Lincoln: Forget sister fight protocol!

Leni: Well, I'm not sleeping in here with her!

Lori: I'm not sleeping in here with her, either!

Laney: Everybody calm down! I have a solution! Let sleep in different rooms. Leni, you sleep in Luan and Luna's room and Luna can sleep here.

Lincoln: Great idea, Lanes!

Leni: Works for me!

Lori: Me too!

[Leni grabs her pillow to sleep in Luna and Luan's room.]

Luna: You guys are playing with fire! [The other sisters (except Laney) all talk at once in agreement]

Lincoln: Listen. Laney knows how to solve problems in this house. By tomorrow, Lori and Leni will have cooled off, and you'll be thanking us!

The very next day, Laney was awoken to the sound of her sisters fighting again. But when she got out to investigate, it wasn't Lori and Leni.

[Laney Lincoln notices that Luan and Luna was arguing instead of Lori and Leni]

Luna: Lori had the dress first! She told me the whole story last night!

Luan: Well, Leni told me her side, and she clearly had the dress first!

Luna: Ha! That's funnier than most of your lame jokes!

Luan: Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you! I've gone partially deaf from your horrible guitar playing!

Laney: What's going on? [Luna and Luan growl at her. Lori, Lynn, Lisa, Leni, Lana, and Lucy have got out of their rooms.]

Lynn: [on a megaphone] SISTER FIGHT PROTOCOL! DIVIDE AND ISOLATE!

[Lola is on her princess car, in which she gets Luna on.]

Lola: You're paying for new shocks, Lincoln!

[Luan is holding Lincoln by his shirt, getting ready to pummel him, Laney pulled Lincoln away from her]

Laney: Leave him alone!

Luan: You stay out of this!

Lana: [Grabs Luan with her rope, and pulls her to Lincoln's room.] This room is now off limits! [Shuts the door, and the off limits sign is on the doorknob.]

Lincoln: Come on! Why is it always my room?

Lisa: Congratulations, elder brother and less elder sister. Thanks to you, the threat level is now a stampeding T-Rex.

Lynn Sr.: Stampeding T-Rex?! [screams and boards up the door to his bedroom] Alright, we'll storm out in here.

Rita: [puts Lily down on the drawer] Did you remember the bucket?

Lynn Sr.: Dang it!

Lisa: [Is bringing Lori into the bathroom] Commencing T-Rex protocol. I've got Big L, and we're on the move.

Lucy: [coming out of Luna and Luan's room with Leni] Roger that.

Lana: [With Luan] We're headed for the red zone.

Lola: [With Luna] Copy that, we're headed for the green zone.

[Both parties are unknowingly heading into each other's paths, and end up bumping into each other, with Luna and Luan snarling at each other.]

Lana: Lola, what are you doing? This is the red zone. The door is red.

Lola: Uh, hello! The carpet is green. [Now the twins are also arguing, as the four of them argue, Laney walks through the crossfire with deep concern]

Laney: Oh no... This is because I suggested they sleep in different rooms! [Lincoln walks by with a bowl of cereal, he walks into the room, but immediately backs away. Laney walks with him. Bobby is coming by to deliver pizza, and immediately rushes to the parents' bedroom window, and knocks.]

Bobby: Here you go, Mrs. Loud.

Rita [pays and tips him] Thanks Bobby. Just the large pepperoni for us, you can deliver the rest to the front door.

Bobby: Do I have to? Lori told me the threat level is at Stampeding T-Rex.

[Lynn Sr. comes and bumps Rita off screen.]

Lynn Sr.: Just ring the doorbell and run. [closes the window, and pulls down the curtains]

Bobby: Ohhh! Good call, Mr. L.

[Bobby dashes off screen with the rest of the pizzas to deliver them.]

Lucy: Okay, first seating will be Leni, Luan, and Lana.

Lisa: [Off screen] Roger! Copy that.

[Laney was sitting at the dining table, with a fearful expression. Beside her, Lynn was slacking off while eating pizza. Lucy walks in and notices her]

Lucy: Gasp! What are you doing? You're supposed to be watching Lori, Luna, and Lola.

Lynn: Can't I have a break? I've been working for nine hours.

Lucy: So have I, and you don't see me complaining.

Lynn: Oh yeah, cause you're always such a ray of sunshine.

Lucy: At least I don't smell like crusty athletic socks.

Lynn: Please! Like Eau De Death is better.

Laney: Guys, stop!

[Lisa walks into the dining room with Leni, Luan, and Lana, as Lucy and Lynn begin to argue]

Lisa: Oh, boy. Here we go. We are now at Erupting Volcano, people.

Lana: ENOUGH WITH YOUR DUMB CHART! [Grabs the chart from Lisa, and takes a big bite out of it.]

Lisa: How would you like to eat that hat?!

[The rest of the sisters enter the scene, and all of them are arguing now, which ends up with them fighting. Laney was stressed about the situation, as she couldn't think of what to do]

Laney: No... no... I...I...

Lincoln: Hey guys. [As he walks into the room, but is shocked to see his sisters are now fighting. He then notices Laney standing ther in a blubbering mess] Laney? Are you okay? [Laney's eyes began to spin and smoke began puffing from her ears]

Laney: Arrr...ugh...eeee... Why...can't...I...DAH!

Lincoln: Oh no! [Lincoln grabs Laney and he sneaks under the sink and calls Clyde on his walkie-talkie.] Clyde, come in!

Clyde: Hey Lincoln, what's up?

Lincoln: Is your trundle bed available?

Clyde: Is it for you, or Lori?

Lincoln: For me, Clyde! Duh! Sorry buddy, I'm a little stressed. We're at Erupting Volcano over here.

Clyde: What about Laney? Isn't she handling it?

Lincoln: Not anymore! She's having one her "episodes" again!

Clyde: Say no more.

[Cuts to later that evening with Lincoln Laney over at Clyde's house.]

Laney: I tried so hard to solve it after that, but I couldn't figure out what to do.

Clyde: Interesting, and how did that make you feel?

Laney: I don't know what to feel! Except confused, and helpless...

Lincoln: Clyde, what are you doing? [Clyde is sitting in a chair like a therapist]

Clyde: When I take my problems to Dr. Lopez, this is how she helps me. Go on, Lanes.

Laney: It's that stupid protocol's fault! Siblings are supposed to help each other! If they just let me handle it, I... Oh, who am I kidding? I couldn't handle it! So far all I tried made things worse! I'm supposed to be the voice of reason in my family. But now I fear I'm losing my voice...

Lincoln: Don't say that, Laney. Of course you're not losing your voice! You were there us when the chips are down. Your always prepared for anything.

Laney: I wasn't prepared for the time you had girl trouble.

Lincoln: That's different. You didn't know how to stop my sisters' meddling. You can't blame yourself for that. [puts his hand on Laney's shoulder] The point is you shouldn't beat yourself up because you don't have the answer to everything. What matters is that you were there for you siblings, just like we're there for you. [Laney smiles]

Clyde: I don't know about you two, but I think we made a breakthrough today. Heh, I've always wanted to say that.

Laney: Thanks, guys. But that still can't solve this silly fight back home. If I could just get my mind off it I can- [gasps in awe] That's it!

Lincoln: What's it?

Laney: I know how we can solve this problem once and for all! Come on! [Lincoln and Laney run back to their home] Thanks, Clyde!

Clyde: No problem! And come back sometime and we'll talk about your "episodes"!

[The next day, Lincoln and Laney return home and back up behind the van]

Laney: [whispers to Lincoln] Remember the plan? [Lincoln gives her a thumbs up]

Lincoln: And are you sure this will work?

Laney: If it worked last time, It'll work this time.

Lincoln: Okay. [takes a deep breath] Here goes. [into a megaphone] ATTENTION, LOUD SISTERS! I AM HERE TO RESOLVE YOUR CONFLICTS! PLEASE REMAIN CALM! I AM COMING IN!

[He holds up a trash can lid as a shield, inches toward the door, and opens the door, prepared for the worst. When he enters, the other sisters were gathered at the living room]

Lori: What now, Lincoln. We literally told you two to butt out!

Lincoln: I know, and that's why I have figured out the perfect solution to this problem.

Lola: We don't want to hear it!

Lincoln: [then gets angry] I've learned that the only way for me to keep peace in this house is to leave!

Sisters: What!?

Lucy: But why?

Lincoln: I'll tell you why! I'm tired of you all arguing all the time! Do you even know what I've been through yesterday?! I'm your brother! It's my job be there for you! But all you guys want is for me to BUTT OUT! [The girls looked at each other with remorse] Well, you'll be happy to know you won't deal with me anymore! I'll just get my stuff upstairs and be on my way. [As Lincoln walks upstairs, Lola stops him]

Lola: Please don't go Lincoln!

Luna: Yeah! We didn't mean to make you feel this way, brah!

Lisa: We just couldn't break protocol!

Lori: We'll do anything to change your mind!

Sisters (except Laney): JUST PLEASE DON'T GO! [Lincoln grins to viewers]

Lincoln: Alright. I'll stay. One one condition!

Sisters (Except Laney): Anything!

Lincoln: From now on, Laney and I get involved in the sister fight protocol. No more butting out! Got it?

Lisa: Done, done, and already done. [Lincoln comes down and gives his sisters a hug]

Leni: You know, I forgot why we were fighting.

Lori: It was a dress, Leni.

Leni: Oh, that? You can have it. You totally don't look like Aunt Ruth in it.

Lori: Thanks. [The sisters walk into the living room] You look pretty good in it too.

Leni: You really think so?

Lori: Lens, I know so.

Lincoln: [Laney enters the house] Well, Laney. Looks like your plan worked.

Laney: Yep. I figured if they were more concerned about you than the reason they're fighting, they would forget about it.

Lincoln: Well, thanks to us we won't have to worry about the protocol ever again. Especially when Lynn says she needs- [Laney covers Lincoln's mouth before she could finish that sentence]

Laney: To keep practacing so she can be a sports star some day.

Lynn: Oh yeah! I'm goin' for the gold. [Laney removes her hand from Lincoln's mouth]

Laney: Next time you want to butt in the sister fight protocol, you better let me do the talking. [Lincoln nervously shrugs]


	39. Suite and Sour

**Suite and Sour**

[Rita and Lynn Sr., in their bedroom, are getting ready to pack up for vacation]

Lynn Sr.: Well, it took 18 years, but the old jug of loose change is finally paying off!

Rita: I can't believe we saved enough for a luxury spa weekend! I can't remember the last time we had two whole days to ourselves.

Lynn Sr.: Summer of '98. Clinton, The Spice Girls and Mark McGwire. [he puts a rather tacky hat into the suitcase, while Rita discretely takes the hat out, and puts it on Geo's hamster ball, where Geo quickly runs off. Lynn Sr. pulls out some red Speedos and sticks them into the suitcase] You think the kids will be okay? I feel bad we aren't taking them.

Rita: Oh, they'll be fine. [when Lynn Sr. turns around, she flings the Speedos out the window]

[Unbeknownst to them, all the Loud kids are listening to them from the bathroom air vent]

Lola: We will not be fine! [picks up and looks at the spa pamphlet] Look at this place, you guys! It's got a spa, eight different pools, and a business center! We are missing out on all of it!

Lynn: Yeah, and while Mom and Dad are living it up, we'll be sucking in cat hair at Aunt Ruth's!

Luan: [touches her nose] Ooh, I call dibs on not clipping her toenails!

[Everyone does the same, but Lincoln is the last to react]

Lincoln: [realizing he was last] Dang it!

Lori: We're just gonna have to convince Mom and Dad to take us with them.

Lincoln: I know just the thing.

[Living room. Rita and Lynn Sr. are sitting in front of a closed curtain]

Rita: Oh, it's so cute the kids are putting on a play for us.

Lynn Sr.: Yeah, yeah, do I have time to pee? [the lights go off] Dang it.

[Laney walks up to the stage]

Laney: [clears throat] The Loud House players proudly presents: "Weekend at Aunt Ruth's" [Rita and Lynn Sr. look at each other in confusion. Laney pushes the curtain away to reveal Leni, Lana, and Lily wearing cat costumes, behaving and making sounds like a cat]

Lily: Kitty cat!

[Luna comes out, eating out of a pudding container]

Luna: Ugh! This pudding expired four years ago!

[Lincoln comes into the scene, dressed as Aunt Ruth]

Lincoln: [imitating Aunt Ruth's voice] You waste that and it's litterbox duty for you!

[Luan closes the curtain]

Luan: One day later.

[Luan re-opens the curtain to reveal Luna playing dead and Lucy playing the priest]

Lucy: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to say farewell to our sister, Luna. If only her pudding had been as fresh as her jams.

[Lucy places Luna's guitar on her laying body. Luan closes the curtain again]

Luan: And now, another play entitled "Weekend at a Luxury Spa Hotel"."

[Luan opens the curtains to show a business center set. Lola and Lisa appear]

Lola: What a beautiful business center!

Lisa: Sister, keep your voice down! We must be respectful of other guests.

[Lori and Lynn come out dressed up as Rita and Lynn Sr., respectively]

Lynn: [as Lynn Sr.] Golly, our kids are so well-behaved.

Lori: [as Rita] And since we took them on this nice trip, maybe they won't put us in a nursing home when we're older.

[The curtains close, and re-open again to reveal all the siblings as they take a bow. Rita and Lynn Sr. look rather unimpressed]

Rita: [unconvinced] I take it you kids want to go the hotel this weekend.

Lynn Sr.: Look, kiddos, this is the first chance your mother and I have to relax for a long time.

Laney: Don't worry dad. I'll be there the whole time. I'll make sure they won't cause any trouble.

Lincoln: Yeah! We'll be so good, you won't even know we're there. We promise.

[The Loud kids look at them with promising faces, as Rita and Lynn Sr. look at each other with concern]

[Royal Woods Spa. The Loud family arrives. Rita walks in with a couple suitcases, while Lynn Sr. walks in with the jug of change]

Lynn Sr.: Lynn Loud Sr. checking in.

Jared Morgan: Welcome. Uh, just the two bags?

Lynn Sr.: Yup. Ha Ha, just kidding! [the Loud kids are seen struggling to pull out all of the luggage] Everything in the van, good sir.

[Jared is shocked]

[The Loud family is in their room. Jared puts down the last piece of luggage]

Lynn Sr.: Thank you much! Oh, I almost forgot: [takes out several coins and hands them to Jared] There's more than there came from. [Jared leaves. To the kids] Okay, gang. Your mom and I are headed to the spa. [To Laney] Now Laney, we're leaving you in charge. Don't let anything bad happen during our stay, okay?

Laney: Yes, dad. You can count on- [the kids quickly dash off] And there gone. [Laney runs after them, Lynn Sr. opens up one of the suitcases, trying to find his feathered fedora]

Lynn Sr.: Could've sworn I packed my feathered fedora.

Rita: [feigning concern] No. Oh, darn. You look so good in it too. [slowly backs away]

[Lynn and Lana are at the elevators. Lynn is pressing the down button, and both elevators open up]

Lynn: Race you to the bottom!

Lana: Oh, it is on!

[Lynn and Lana enter both elevators and begin to mash all the buttons. As the two elevators descend, Lynn's elevator breaks down, and halts to a stop. As Lana laughs at Lynn at her fate, her elevator breaks down as well]

Lynn: Ugh!

Lana: What?!

[Lori, wearing a baby carrier with Lily in it, is impatiently waiting for the elevator to arrive]

Lori: Ugh! What is taking so long? If I don't get back to the room and get my phone, I could literally die! [groans in frustration] Let's just take the stairs. [As Lori heads to the staircase, Laney comes down to find her siblings]

Laney: Guys? Is anyone around? [bumps into Lincoln]

Lucy: What are you two doing? [Lucy's sudden appearance causes Lincoln and Laney to fall in shock. They pick themselves up]

Laney: Well, I'm making sure you guys aren't causing any trouble. [To Lincoln] What are you doing?

Lincoln: I read somewhere that this resort is haunted by the ghost of the Footless Bellboy. They say if you listen carefully, you can still hear his stumps trying to deliver room service.

Laney: [frightened] G-G-Ghost? You mean there's a ghost in this very hotel?

Lincoln: Yep!

Lucy: Whoa. Sign me up.

Laney: [scared] Count me out! There's no way I'm letting a ghost haunt me! [walks off worried]

Fritz: [responding to a call on his walkie-talkie] Both elevators out? I'm on it!

[Lincoln and Lucy suddenly bump into Fritz, causing Fritz's nametag to fall off]

Lincoln: Oh, excuse us.

[Lincoln, Lucy, and Fritz head off. Leni walks by and discovers Fritz's nametag on the floor. She picks it up]

Leni: Cute pin! [she attaches it to her dress] Totes matches my dress! [Laney holds on to Leni's legs] Laney?

Laney: There's a ghost in the hotel, Leni! You better get out of here before it gets you!

Leni: Laney! There's no such thing as ghosts. [pats Laney's head]

Whitney Wetta: Excuse me, um... Fritz, how am I supposed to get to my room with the elevator broken?

Laney: But her name's not-

Leni: [looking at Whitney's high heel shoes] Ooh, heels and stairs? You should def take a room on the first floor.

Whitney Wetta: Great! Can I get a key?

[Leni heads behind the counter and gives Whitney a room key, and heads off. A new guest named Jeffery arrives at the counter]

Jeffery: Excuse me, Fritz. I'd also like a different room.

Leni: Okay!

Laney: Leni! What are you doing?

Leni: Be with you in a sec, Lanes. I'm with someone.

Laney: [worried] Ohhh... If Lincoln truly said there's a ghost in the hotel, I got to make sure everyone's safe! What do I do... [leaves]

[Rita and Lynn Sr., wearing bathrobes, are at the spa. Lynn Sr. is ringing the bell on the counter. A worker responds to the bell and comes out]

Diem Doan: I'm so sorry, but a private party booked the entire massage facility.

Lynn Sr.: [taking several coins out] Might this change your mind? [the change trick doesn't work] Well, worth a shot. [Rita and Lynn Sr. begin to leave] I wonder what big-wig is in there.

[In the massaging facility, a bunch of stuffed animals are getting oil rubbed on them. As the camera pans around to show what's going on, the last one to show up is Lola, wearing nothing but a two-piece swimsuit. Diem Doan approaches Lola, squirts some oil on to her hands, and starts rubbing Lola's back. Lola stops her the moment she starts]

Lola: Less oil, sweetheart. You're not marinating a chicken.

[Back at the elevator, Fritz is hard at work is repairing the elevators. Luan is seen right next to him]

Luan: Elevator repair, huh? Bet that job's got a lot of ups and downs! [realizing something] Sorry, didn't mean to push your buttons. [laughs] Get it?

[Laney walks over to the pool, until she spotted Lisa out for a swim]

Laney: [thoughts] _Lisa! She'll know what to do!_ [She runs over to her] Lisa!

Lisa: Laney? What are you doing here?

Laney: Well, I don't want to alarm you. But Lincoln said there's a ghost in the hotel that has one foot. So, I was wondering if you have antything to stop it from doing our family harm? [Lisa rolled her eyes]

Lisa: Laney, don't be ridiculous. There is no photographic or any specific data of evidence that there are sprits of the deceased floating around and possessing people's bodies. Besides, this whole ghost thing is more of Lucy's department don't you think?

Laney: Lucy! That's it! Gotta go! [leaves, three guys exit the pool]

Miguel Puga: Let's go rage!

Lisa: [disgusted] Uck! Looks like I'll have to disinfect the pool. Goodness knows what fungi await me in these waters.

[Lisa pulls out a chemical flask from her tote bag, and uses a dropper to get a little bit of the chemical. Suddenly, one of the hotel guests runs by Lisa to grab a pool ring, unknowingly bumping into her, causing her to spill all of the chemical into the pool. The results cause the water to being bubbling rapidly. Rita and Lynn Sr., in their swimsuits, arrive for a dip]

Lynn Sr.: Papa Loud in the house!

[Lynn Sr. tosses an inflatable lounge chair into the pool, but Lisa's chemical has made the water highly corrosive, which causes the lounge chair to pop and disintegrate. Lisa, realizing the horror of her mistake, runs away from the scene. She runs by the counter where Leni is]

Lisa: [panicking] Might wanna close the pool, Fritz!

[Leni is confused as to who just said that. Lisa runs past Fritz and Luan, who are still at the elevators]

Luan: If you don't fix this, will they give you the shaft? [laughs] Get it?

Fritz: [annoyed] Please leave.

[Up above, Lori is exhausted after climbing so many steps. She opens the door in front of her, expecting it to be the floor of the room where they're staying. However, it turns out to be the roof]

Lori: Uh oh. This isn't our floor.

[Suddenly, the door behind her closes. She tries to open it, but it's locked, causing her to gasp in horror. Far down below, in the basement of the hotel, Lincoln and Lucy are wandering around]

Lincoln: Wait! [they stop] Did you hear that? It must the bellboy!

Laney: Hello?...

Lucy: Weird. It sounds like Laney.

Laney: Is anyone down there?

Lincoln: Laney? Is that you?

Laney: Yes! Did the ghost get you?

Lincoln: [as Laney comes downstairs] Don't worry Laney. Your big brother will protect you.

Lucy: I can sense the Footless Bellboy's presence, but he's not going to show himself with all these lights on.

[Lincoln finds the power box]

Lincoln: I'm a step ahead of you. But which one of these is for the basement?

Lucy: Try them all.

Laney: I don't think that's a good idea.

[In a gym, Rita is on an exercise bike, and Lynn Sr. is on a treadmill. Suddenly, the power to the gym shuts off, causing Lynn Sr. to slam himself against the wall, resulting in the building to slightly vibrate]

Lincoln and Lucy: [feeling the vibration] It's him!

Laney: Hide me! [hides behind Lucy]

[Rita and Lynn Sr. arrive back to their room, limping]

Lynn Sr.: I think our trip might be cursed.

Rita: Don't say that. We still have the TV. 267 glorious satellite channels.

[Rita turns the TV on and "The Dream Boat" appears on screen. A second later, the TV goes out, causing Lynn Sr. to start crying in despair. Back on the roof, Lori breaks the antenna off of the satellite dish, and starts running towards the door with it while emitting a battle cry. She rams into the door, and successfully breaks it down. She weakly gives a thumbs up, making Lily giggle. Back in the hotel room, Lynn Sr. is holding an ice pack on his knee]

Lynn Sr.: Well, on the bright side, at least the kids haven't been causing any trouble.

Rita: That's true. I haven't heard a peep from them all day. Laney did a great job keeping them in line.

[The room phone begins ringing. Lynn Sr. answers it]

Lynn Sr.: Yello?

[The caller is revealed to be Leni]

Leni: Mr. La-ood? We've been getting some complaints about your kids.

Lynn Sr.: My kids? [suspicious] Wait, you sound a lot like my daughter, Leni.

Leni: You sound a lot like my dad, Dad.

[The Loud Family is back at their room]

Lynn Sr.: Ghost hunting? Elevator breaking? Pool wrecking?! What happened to "You won't even know we're here"?!

Rita: Laney! You were supposed to watch over the kids!

Laney: I'm sorry mom. I really thought there was a ghost here. I really tried my best to protect them.

Rita: You're all grounded to the room for the rest of the weekend! Your father and I would like to TRY to enjoy some relaxation time!

[They exit the room, leaving the kids all alone]

Lincoln: Well, I feel terrible.

Laney: You should be! You got me to a lot of trouble! "A ghost in the hotel". I should've known better!

Luan: We're sorry you have to be stuck here like the rest of us, Laney. From now on, we really have to behave.

[As the Loud Kids frown and hung their heads in shame and guilt]

Laney: Aw, don't be like that guys. We can still have fun on this trip.

Lola: How?! I'm not allowed back at the spa!

Laney: Well, uh... [a ringtone is heard. Lori answers her phone]

Lori: Bobby Boo-Boo Bear? Its literally been forever! Hang on, let me go somewhere more private.

[Lori is about to head onto the balcony]

Lola: Lori! We're grounded to the room!

Lori: The balcony is the room. [she closes the sliding door]

Lynn: Well, I'm gonna hit the showers.

Lola: Uh, Lynn?!

Lynn: The bathroom is also the room.

Jared Morgan: [on the walkie-talkie] Fritz, break's over. Get down here. [Leni is forced to leave]

Lincoln: Leni, you can't leave!

Leni: Do you wanna tell my boss that? [she leaves]

[In the bathroom, Lynn is fiddling around with the numerous buttons and knobs in the shower, figuring out which one turns the water on. Suddenly, several showerheads begin spraying Lynn with water. She tries to turn the water off, but only succeeds in breaking off one of the faucets, casing a stream of water to knock her over]

Lynn: Guys! Little problem with the shower.

Lana: [with a tool belt] I'm on it, sister. [Lana enters the bathroom and sees the problem] Hmm. I've never worked with this particular model before, but I'm sure I can figure something out.

[Lana opens up the shower's piping, and with a few twists of a wrench, the showers stops spraying water]

Lynn: [amazed] Wow, Lana! That was amazing!

Lana: [giving Lynn a business card] Here's my card. Referrals are welcome.

[Suddenly, water begins erupting from the toilet, causing Lynn and Lana to scream in terror. As Lana frantically gets to work on the pipes, Lynn grabs the bed comforter and jams it into the toilet, causing water to build up. On the balcony, Lori continues to talk to Bobby on her phone]

Lori: [giggling] No, you hang up first. [laughs] No, silly. You. [Bobby hangs up] Huh. I can't believe he hung up. [Lori tries to enter the room, but the sliding door is locked] Not again!

[Lori begins to bang on the door. In the room, the siblings hear Lori's pounding]

Lincoln: That sounds like the thumps of the Footless Bellboy!

Luan: This must be his stomping grounds. You guys better shake a leg, there's a ghost afoot! [laughs] Get it?

Lincoln: [fed up] Are you done?

Lucy: He must be trapped behind the air conditioner. We need to free him.

Laney: No! Don't free him! He might be an evil spirit! [Lincoln and Lucy try to pull the air conditioner out of the wall, when suddenly, it falls out of the building and lands on top of a delivery van, forming a large dent and causing the alarm to begin wailing]

Lucy: [at the same time Lincoln gasps] Gasp!

Laney: EEEE! [Runs to the couch]

[Lori looks over on the other side of the balcony she's on, and sees that the neighboring room has its balcony door open. Inside the room, a knock at the door is heard. Lola answers it, and it's revealed to be the three guys from the pool earlier]

Kyle Marshall: Yo, what are you guys doing in here? Fritz said this was our room.

Lola: Well, Fritz was wrong. Bye, now.

[Lola closes the door, but Kyle puts his foot in the way, and pushes the door open]

Kyle Marshall: Not so fast! Come on, boys!

Miguel Puga: Alright! Let's rage!

[The three guys walk into the room, and begin to shout like crazy while music blares loudly from their boom box. The room phone begins ringing, and Lily answers it]

Lily: Goo?

[The caller is once again revealed to be Leni]

Leni: Yes, La-od family? This is Fritz at the front desk. Could you please keep it down? We're getting some complaints.

Lily: [babbles some incomprehensible dialogue]

Leni: Well you sound just like my sister, Lily.

[Luna, Luan, and Lola ram the three guys out of their room with a couch where Laney was laying down on]

Lola: And stay out, you stinkers!

[Lisa approaches them and begins to pour a disinfectant onto the carpet]

Lisa: Ugh! We must disinfect the area immediately. Who knows where those hooligans have been.

[A bird flies into the room from the hole where the AC was and bumps into Lisa, causing her to spill all of her disinfectant, which burns a giant hole onto the floor. As Lisa, Luna, Lola, and Luan peek through the hole, Lori enters the room from the front door, visibly upset]

Lori: [agitated] Thanks for locking me out, you g-

[As Lori was approaching them, she blindly walked into the hole, causing her to fall into it. Lynn and Lana are suddenly washed out of the bathroom and fall into the hole, apparently unable to fix the toilet problem]

Rita: What is going on here?!

[As Rita and Lynn Sr. arrive back to their room to see what all the hubbub is about, Leni suddenly approaches them]

Leni: [clears throat] I'm sorry, La-oods, but I have to ask you to leave.

 **THE NEXT DAY**

[Back to the Loud House. Rita and Lynn Sr. are in their room, moping]

Lynn Sr.: Our one chance at a relaxing weekend, gone. Poof!

Rita: Aw, now come on, honey. We'll get that jug filled up again someday.

Lynn Sr.: Oh, you're right. Gotta stay positive. In fact, here's the first nickel. [Lynn Sr. tosses what he thinks is a coin into the jug, but upon closer inspection...] D'oh, it was a button! It's hopeless!

[As Lynn Sr. collapses to the floor, crying in despondence, the siblings are once again listening to them from the bathroom air vent. They all feel regretful for what they did to their parents]

Lynn: We really blew it.

Leni: Yeah. We gotta make it up to them.

Lincoln: I have an idea!

Lola: Not another one of your dumb plays.

Laney: Ahem. [The kids turned to Laney who was outside the bathroom] If anyone doesn't mind, I have an idea...

[Lincoln knocks on Rita and Lynn Sr.'s bedroom door, and they answer it. They see Lincoln dressed up as a hotel worker]

Lincoln: Mr. and Mrs. La-ood, welcome to your very own luxury spa hotel.

[Lincoln points over to Lana, Lola, and Lisa under a sign that reads "LOUD-INN LUXURY SPA HOTEL"]

Luna: Amenities include a hot tub. [Lisa dumps some soap into a kiddie pool labelled "HOT TUB"]

Lola: Complimentary dry cleaning.

Lana: [dressed as a chef] Room service. [she lifts the lid off a platter, revealing an array of snacks]

Laney: [dressed as a maid] House-keeping.

Lynn: And free in-room massage.

[Lynn grabs hold of both her father's hands]

Lynn Sr.: Uh, what are you do- [Lynn gives him a hard kick on his back, cracking it] OW! Actually, that feels great.

Luan: We want you guys to have the weekend you were expecting, the weekend you deserve.

Laney: So we decided to make our own luxurious getaway, for you!

Rita: I can't believe you kids did all this.

[A honk is heard outside, and Luna peeks out the window]

Luna: Dudes! She's here!

[The Loud kids are surrounded by bags of luggage]

Lincoln: This time, you truly won't know we're here, because we won't be. We're going to Aunt Ruth's, so you guys can really relax.

Lynn Sr.: [engaging in a group hug] How did we get such thoughtful kids?

[Outside, the kids head off as Rita and Lynn Sr. wave them off on the porch]

Rita: Think we've should've told them why we really got kicked out?

[Flashback to yesterday. Rita and Lynn Sr. are in Jared's office, in their bathrobes, soaking wet. Jared turns the TV in his office on, showing security footage of the pool. In the footage, Lynn Sr. pops out, making sure no one is peeking. When the coast is clear, he and Rita jog to the other side in their swimsuits, laughing joyously. Off-screen, they strip off their swimsuits, and jump into the water]

Lynn Sr.: Marco!

Rita: Polo!

[Jared shuts the TV off]

Jared Morgan: Well, care to explain?

Lynn Sr.: [placing a coin on the manager's desk] Let's say we just forget about this?

[The manager looks at the coin, but points out...]

Jared: That's a button, pal.

[End flashback, and Rita and Lynn Sr. are awkwardly thinking about that]

Lynn Sr.: Ah, we'll tell them when they're older. Race you to the hot tub!

[Rita and Lynn Sr. run back into the house to enjoy their own spa]

Rita: [giggling] Oh no, you don't!

Lynn Sr.: Come on, come on, come on!


	40. Back in Black

**Back in Black**

It was a slow day at the Loud House, Laney was quietly reading a book in the living room. Just then a boy came up and took a seat next to her.

Laney: Hello.

Boy: Hey.

Laney: Are you a friend of Lincoln's?

Boy: Nah. I'm his brother.

Laney: Friend of his... Oh! You must be Rocky! I've seen you around my school. Didn't really know much about you until Lincoln told me about your brother. Hi! I'm Laney, one of Lincoln's sisters. [Shakes hands with Rocky]

Rocky: One of?

Laney: Yeah. We live in a big family. 1 boy, 10 sisters.

Rocky: Cool.

Just as Laney and Rocky were exchanging greetings. They heard a familiar "sigh".

Laney: Did you hear that?

Rocky: [Puts down his game portable and looks around] Nope.

Laney pondered as Rocky left. She knew she heard that sigh before. Or at least she remembers someone saying "sigh". In a rather gloomy tone. Meanwhile, Rocky was playing soccer when he heard that sigh again, when he turned around the only thing he saw was Charles dragging his butt. Then up in Lynn and Laney's room, we see the person too shy to talk to Rusty's brother. The person who was sighing this whole time...

Laney: Lucy?

Lucy: Huh? Laney? W-What are you doing here?

Laney: Just wanting to see if you're okay. You were sighing an awful lot around Rocky. [Lucy blushes, Laney then realized something] Lucy? Are you- [Lucy covers her mouth]

Lucy: Shh! It's not what you think!

Laney: No need to be embarassed, Lucy. I know what it's like to be shy around a boy.

Lucy: Sigh... I know he's not really my type. But he's so- [looks out of the window] what's the word you guys use?

Laney: Loud?

Lucy: No.

Laney: Obnoxious?

Lucy: No.

Laney: Scary?

Lucy: I wish.

Laney: Um. Cute?

Lucy: Yes. Cute. [Carries Edwin] Don't worry, Edwin. You'll always be my undead soul mate. But until we're united, it'd be cool to have someone to hang with.

Laney: Um, okay. Well, why don't you try talking to Rocky?

Lucy: Really? But what if he doesn't like me?

Laney: I'm sure If you open up to him, he'll like you.

Lucy: Hmm... [To Edwin] What do you think, Edwin? [Edwin just sits there, Lucy pats him] I knew you'd understand.

[In the kitchen, Rocky opens the refrigerator door. He spots Lucy's container of fake blood. From that, he takes it. Then he closes the refrigerator door.]

Lucy: I see you found my blood.

[Rocky gets startled, making him jump and throw the container. The fake blood splatters on him.]

Lucy: It's my new recipe. Beet juice, molasses, and cocoa powder. Hmm. [Pulls Rocky's shirt.] Now it's got the ooze but not the splatter. [Holds out her hand] Hi, I'm Lucy.

[Rocky freezes for a moment, then runs away. He walks out of the bathroom.]

Lucy: [Holding one of Lincoln's shirts on a hanger] Thought you might want a clean shirt. [Rocky stops himself into a halt.] Just to be clear, it's my brother's. [Rocky backs away] I would never wear something so offensively cheerful.

Rocky: [Starts falling down the stairs.] Ah!

Rusty: Was that Rocky? Sorry, Lincoln, you'll have to finish the project. [Opens and closes the door to go after his brother]

Lincoln: [Walks to Lucy, who is sitting on the couch] What happened?

Lucy: I keep trying to talk to Rocky but every time he runs away from me. [curls herself up] What am I doing wrong?

Lincoln: Well, what are you talking to him about?

Lucy: The usual stuff. Blood, bruises. [Lucy's bats fly onto her head] I didn't even get a chance to show him my new embalming kit.

Lincoln: You know, maybe he's just not into that kind of stuff.

Lucy: Then, what is he into?

Lincoln: I don't know him very well but he just seems like a regular, normal kid.

Lucy: Regular and normal. Hmm... [Walks up the stairs] Regular and normal...

Later that night, as Laney slept. She was awoken to the smell of Lola's perfume. She sneezed then woke up to see the smell WAS Lola's perfume being sprayed by Lucy. Who was wearing a pink chiffon dress and lipstick?Clearly Laney needed to know what was going on.

Laney: Lucy?

Lucy: [gasps] Laney?

Laney: What are you wearing?

Lucy: Um.. I can explain. [Lola bursts through the door]

Lola: LYNN! You'd better not be using my perfume to cover the stink of your hockey pads! [She, Lori and Leni gasp in shock]

Lori: [curious] What are you doing?

Laney: I think we all should know.

Lucy: I-I-I...I thought if I'd be regular and normal, Rusty's brother Rocky would like me. Sorry I took your stuff. I understand if you're mad.

Lori: [stomps her feet] You're darn right we're mad! [Lucy is down; excited] Mad you didn't let us help!

Leni: Yeah, we've been wanting to give you a makeover since like, birth!

Lola: [comes in with a big cardboard collage of fashion models with Lucy's face plastered all over their own] I've been working on this Lucy vision board for years! Until now, it was just a fantasy.

Lori: [calls her other sisters] GUYS! IT'S LITERALLY HAPPENING! LUCY'S FINALLY READY!

[The others get out their beauty gear, Laney stops them]

Laney: WAIT! I don't think we should change Lucy just to impress some boy.

Lori: Chill, Lanes. We're professionals.

Lucy: Will this hurt?

[The girls all start giving her a makeover. This results in Lucy looking like a cheerleader]

Sisters (Minus Laney): Too peppy.

[They give her another makeover and this time, the result is Lucy as an 80's diva]

Sisters (Minus Laney): Too poofy.

[They try again and this time, Lucy looks like a fancy princess]

Sisters (Minus Laney): Too princess-y.

[One more makeover results in Lucy wearing hot pink and having blonde hair]

Sisters (Minus Laney): Too...PERFECT!

Lucy: [examines her new look with her pet bat perching on her head] Hmm...I can live with this. What do you think, Fangs?

Lola: [shoos Fangs away] Eww, eww! No more bats!

Laney: What?!

Luna: Yeah, and do not talk about mortality.

Leni: Or death.

Lana: Or ask him his blood type.

Lori: Or suggest a cemetery for a date.

Luan: And make sure you laugh at all of his jokes. Like this. [laughs heartily]

Lucy: [not even trying] Ha ha. Ha. Ha ha.

Lynn: Oh, and talk about sports. Guys really dig that.

Lisa: If all else fails, try a little of my patented pizza spray, scientifically proven to attract eight-year-old boys.

[Lisa sprays some on Lucy while the other sisters cough in disgust]

Lucy: Gag.

Lisa: Note to self: go lighter on the anchovies.

Laney: Lucy! You can't let them do this! They're literally asking you to not be you!

Lucy: Laney, I know you're concerned about me. But I need Rocky to accept me. And if this is the only way, then so be it. [Cliff suddenly attacks Lucy due to the spray and she nonchalantly screams at this attack and runs out of her room while passing Lincoln with his completed project. Fangs comes flying out and almost hits Lincoln and his project]

Lincoln: [confused] Who was that?

Lori: The new and improved, regular and normal Lucy!

Leni: AKA the future Mrs. Rocky!

Lincoln: So, that's how you're helping Lucy? I don't know, guys. That seems like a really-

Lisa: Oh, please. As if a male would have any insight into matters of the heart.

Luna: You just get Rocky back here, bro.

Lincoln: How am I supposed to do that?

Luan: Get Rusty to bring him. Don't you guys have more work to do on your project?

Lincoln: Nope. All finished.

Lynn: [smashes the project with her hockey stick] Not anymore. [Lincoln groans and makes it back downstairs]

Laney: Guys, this is ridiculous! Lucy doesn't need any of this to get Rocky's attention! She just needs to be herself.

Lori: Laney, in case you didn't notice: Lucy's self is literally dark and terrifying. Not something a real boy would want. If yourself was uber flawed you'd understand. [Lori pats Laney's head, Laney sighs]

[Lincoln and Rocky are fixing up the damage Lynn caused to the project]

Rusty: [suspicious] So, the dog did this?

Lincoln: Uh, yup. [feigning discipline] Bad Charles!

[Charles whimpers and drags his butt across the carpet in frustration. Lucy is coming down the stairs. She slips in her new shoes but quickly regains her balance and poses for Rocky. The other girls are looking toward this eagerly, but Rocky doesn't seem to notice Lucy. Leni signals Lucy to flip her hair at him]

Lucy: [flipping hair] OMG, Rocky. It's totes great to see you.

Rocky: Um...who are you?

Lucy: I'm Lucy.

Rocky: Oh. Uh...I didn't recognize you.

[Enter Lori dragging Bobby into the house while pretending to be on a call on her phone]

Lori: [acting] You can't make it to mini-golf? But we already bought four tickets!

[Bobby looks at Lucy in perplexity over her new look and Lori nudges him for his cue]

Bobby: [reading something on his arm] Oh, um, right! Um, maybe we should...invite two other people to come.

Lori: [gasping and acting] What a great idea! Anyone? Lucy?

Lucy: [acting] I'm supposed to meet my girlfriends at the mall, but...YOLO. [Laney smacked her head three times]

Laney: Oh brother...

[Lori nudges Bobby for his cue again]

Bobby: Oh! [reading his arm script] If only there was another guy to round out the foursome.

Lori: You're free, right, Rocky? [grabs his arm] Great!

[Lori and Lucy eagerly leave with their confused dates while the other sisters grin with hope]

Rusty: [hits on them] Any of you other ladies looking for a date?

[They all just back away upstairs after hearing that]

[Hole-In-Onederland. The dates are playing a game.]

Lori: Just follow my lead, and remember, regular and normal.

[Lucy nods. Lori swings and misses her ball]

Lori: [acting] Oops! [giggles] Boo Boo Bear, what am I doing wrong? Can you help me?

Bobby: [oblivious] But, Babe, you're on the Varsity Golf-[Lori hits him with her putter] OW! I mean, sure, Babe. I'll help you. [shows her] Okay, just square your shoulders and follow through.

[They putt together. Lucy tries doing what Lori did and hits Rocky in his knee]

Lucy: Oops. [tosses her putter]

Rocky: Ow! What was that for?

Lucy: I thought uh, um, uh, how about that Baseball team that played the other night? [nervously grins as Rocky looks on confused]

[The next hole, Bobby putts his ball through the windmill and sinks it]

Lori: Ooh. [chuckles and claps] Great shot, Boo Boo Bear. [giggles]

Bobby: That one's for you, babe. [pokes her nose]

Lori: Aw! [giggles]

[Rocky steps up to the putting position and hits his ball, making it fly everywhere in the course]

Lucy: Ooh, great shot, Rocky Bear.

Rocky: What? I totally shanked it! My ball went down a rain gutter.

Lucy: Ha ha. Ha ha. You're so funny. [pushes him]

Rocky: Ah! [falls into the water hazard]

[On the haunted hole, Rocky sinks his ball into the cup]

Bobby: Good shot, bro. [fist bumps Rocky]

Lori: [feigning fear] Ooh, this hole is creepy! Right, Lucy?

[Lucy is admiring a casket]

Lucy: Whoa. The Freilich 2000 with crushed velvet interior. I've only seen these in catalogues. [opens it up and prepares to get in]

Lori: [pulling her sister back] Lucy, no no no! [whispering] Regular and normal!

[When Lori pulls Lucy free, she accidentally hits Rocky who lands inside a coffin screaming all the way]

[Back at the Loud House, the other girls are waiting around for Lori and Lucy to get back. Lola is pacing the floor, Lana is adding her booger to Lisa's chemical, Lynn is tossing a baseball up in the air bored, Luna is playing a ditty on her acoustic guitar, Luan is reading a book, Laney was just sitting by the table, and and Leni is playing with Lily. Soon, their dating sisters get back and they're eager to hear what happened]

Lola: TELL ME EVERYTHING! TELL ME EVERYTHING!

Leni: Are you totes in love?

Lucy: [taking her pink shoes off; depressed] No. We are totes not.

Lori: Lucy, wait. We're sorry we pushed you so hard.

Laney: Now you see what I've been telling you!

Other Sisters: Sorry.

Lori: We got a little too excited when you said you wanted to be normal and regular, like us. But you're not those things. You're Lucy Loud. You're perfect just the way you are. And we love you.

Lucy: Sigh. There's no need to apologize. I know you were just trying to help, and I thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sit in the dark. That always cheers me up. [heads upstairs]

Lori: Well, Lanes. I guess you're right. You can take the girl out of the coffin, but you can't take the coffin out of the girl.

Lucy went to her room depressed at the failure of winning over Rocky. Laney came over to talk to her, and hopefully cheer her up.

Laney: Hey, Lucy.

Lucy: What do you want?

Laney: I'm sorry things didn't work out with you and Rocky. But the others were right. You don't need a makeup to get someone's attention. You just got to be yourself.

Lucy: Forget it, Laney. Rocky doesn't like me as myself, he doesn't like me as a regular, normal girl, he just doesn't like me. [takes off her accessories] Sigh. I was a fool to ever think it could work with a mortal being. [pulls out her coffin and sits in it in despondence. Laney sighs in remorse and leaves and bumps into Lincoln, making him drop his science project and breaking it]

Laney: Oops! Sorry.

Lincoln: Dang it.

The next day, Laney was at the couch when she spotted Lucy with her container of fake blood.

Laney: What's that you got there?

Lucy: My fake blood. I've been working on it since yesterday. Though, I can't seem get it look and feel like the real thing.

Laney: Um. Are you still sad about Rocky?

Lucy: I've already know that Rocky would never fall for a creep like me. The best thing for me to do is forget about it and move on. Now if you excuse me, I need to put this in the fridge. [Lucy walks over to the kitchen and puts her blood in the fridge, as she closes the door Rocky's shown to be behind it and for once, Lucy's the one who gets startled] Ah! [calm] Oh. Hi.

Rocky: [with sodas] Uh, hi. You changed your hair back.

Lucy: Yeah, the blonde wasn't really me. I was trying to be regular and normal, but I think I'm just gonna be myself.

Rocky: I'm really glad to hear that.

Lucy: Thanks. Well, see you later. [realizes] Wait. You are? But when we first met, you kept running away. I thought I freaked you out.

Rocky: To be honest, I thought you were too cool for me, and I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just ran.

[The two realize they have more in common and blush]

Lucy: Hey, uh, my coffin collection's in the basement. Wanna check it out?

Rocky: Sure. They'd be really fun. As long as I don't have to get in one.

Lucy: Deal.

As Laney continued her quiet activity, She sees Lucy walking to the basment with Rocky.

Laney: Lucy?

Lucy and Rocky: Hey.

Laney: Whatever happened to "forget it and move on"?

Lucy: That was the plan, but. I had second thoughts. [Lucy and Rocky smiled at each other and leave for the basement. Laney walks over to Lincoln and Rusty]

Laney: What just happened?

Lincoln: Oh, I just did a little matchmaking is all.

Laney: You mean that was you? [Lincoln nods] Lincoln, that was a very thoughtful thing for you to do.

Lincoln: Why, thanks Laney. [Laney leaves]

Rusty: [exhausted from their protecting their project] Can we stop? I'm feeling faint.

[The next day at school, Lincoln and Rusty are carefully bringing their project to avoid having it get ruined at the last second]

Rusty: Easy. Ah! Watch the pothole!

Lincoln: It's okay, Rusty. We spent all weekend on this, we're not gonna drop it now.

[Rocky and Lucy are right behind them with a container of fake blood]

Lucy and Rocky: Hey, guys.

[Both Lincoln and Rusty leap in the air and yelp while still holding onto their project]

Rusty: Phew. Good save, man! [highfives Lincoln]

Lucy: Sorry we scared you.

Rocky: We just wanted to tell you we nailed the fake blood recipe.

Lucy: We also threw in a few popcorn kernels for brain matter. [adds kernels]

[The sight of this makes Rusty pass out and drop the project, destroying it one last time]

Lincoln: [exasperated] Dang it.


	41. Vantastic Voyage

**Vantastic Voyage**

[The episode begins with Rita inside Vanzilla]

Rita: [calls to the kids] Okay, kids, steady as she goes.

[The Loud kids are all pushing the van, except for Lola, who stands on top of the van while waving]

Lori: Lola, you are not in a parade! Get down here and help us push!

[But Lola ignores her and continues waving]

Lincoln: [grunting] Mom, this is the third time Vanzilla's broken down this week. Don't you think it might be time for a new car?

Rita: I would love a new car, guys. It's your dad who won't go for it. [flashback of Lynn Sr.'s dad with Vanzilla] Vanzilla was his father's van. [Another flashback of Lynn Sr.'s grandfather with Vanzilla] And his grandfather's. [Cut back to the present day] Someday, he hopes to pass it onto you, Lincoln.

[All the sisters minus Laney laughed at him]

Laney: Don't listen to them Lincoln. I think it would be great to have this van.

[Soon, they arrive back at the Loud House but Lola is no longer on top of the van]

Rita: Thanks for the assist, kids. Uh, after dinner, I'll need a push to Ceramics class.

[The siblings all groan]

Lynn: There's gotta be some way we can convince Dad to get a new car.

Luan: You heard Mom. All our arguments are just going to stall. [laughs] Get it?

Lincoln: Unless we try the subliminal approach.

Sisters (Minus Laney): Mmm-hmm!

Laney: I don't know, guys. I mean, Vanzilla has been in this family for years. Do we really want to replace it with some new one?

Lincoln: Laney! Are you even hearing yourself? This van's a nightmare! The springy seats!

Lucy: The smells...

Lana: The air conditioning doesn't even work!

Laney: Well, uhm.. Sure it could use a little tune-up. But we should be happy with what we already have.

Lori: Drop the act, Lanes. We know you're as sick of this van as we are.

Laney: Well... Okay, I am a little. Especially when it breaks down and we all have to push.

Lincoln: Trust us. Once we get dad to buy a new van, we'll never have to worry pushing again.

Laney: Well... alright. But promise me nothing bad will happen to Vanzilla if this works.

Other Siblings: We promise.

Laney: Okay. I'm in. [Shakes Lincoln's hand]

Lucy: Wait! Where's Lola?

Lola: [walks up with a couple of twigs in her hair and two black eyes] I got knocked off by a tree branch three blocks back! Thanks for noticing!

[Later Lynn is making pancakes whilst Lucy brings a plate over to Lynn Sr.]

Lucy: Here you go, Dad. [a close up reveals the pancakes to be shaped like a new van] We made you Blueberry "Brand New Van-Cakes".

[Lynn Sr. gasps excitedly and starts eating them]

Lana: Is that a new shirt, Dad? You look vantastic in it.

Luna: Yeah, you da van!

Lynn Sr.: Thanks, girls.

Lincoln: [pops up with a napkin] Whoops. Got a little hood ornament on your face.

[Lynn Sr. takes the napkin and starts wiping his face whilst Lincoln and Luna wink at each other]

[Lori pretends to be doing homework when Lynn Sr. enters the room, whistling to himself]

Lori: Dad, could you help me with this math problem? If Mr. Cloud's van stalls out ten miles from his office, how late will Mr. Cloud be for his important meeting?

Lynn Sr.: Well, based on my experience from last Tuesday, I'd say about three hours. [chuckling] And boy, is he gonna stink!

Lori: Thanks, dad.

Lynn Sr.: [winks] No problem, sweetie. [walks off, whistling to himself, he stops and sees Laney with a painting in her hands] What'cha got there, Laney?

Laney: I made you a painting, dad. I call it um.. "Joyride" [Laney's painting was a brightly colored picture of a van driving down the road.]

Lynn Sr.: How thoughtful of you Laney. Very psychedelic. I'd hang this on the fridge, but it's much too big.

[The next morning, Lynn Sr. wakes up to a glorious aroma]

Lynn Sr.: Whoa, Nelly! What is that glorious smell? It's like warm bread, roses and puppies all rolled into one.

Lisa: [holding a bottle of perfume] Just my latest experiment: I've recreated the intoxicating new car smell.

Lynn Sr.: [excited] Wait, new cars smell like this? I had no idea! I don't know what's come over me, but I suddenly think it's time the Louds get a new minivan.

[Rita and the other siblings, except for Lola and Lana, enter the room, cheering in delight. Just then, the twins enter the room with a cardboard recreation of the van]

Lana: Lola and I have been working on a new song. It's called "Happiness is a New Van".

Lincoln: Can it. He already said yes.

Lola: We've been practicing for four hours! SIT DOWN! [Lincoln, feeling scared, complies] And a one, and a two! A one, two, three, four!

[Later, the kids and Rita hear a blaring car horn and a brand new van pulls up onto the drive. They gasp in awe as the window lowers to reveal Lynn Sr.]

Lynn Sr.: Ain't she a beaut? I fell in love the minute I took her for a test drive. Check this out. [brings out a remote which he uses to open the door. The kids and Rita excitedly rush up to their brand new van, but Lynn Sr. intentionally presses a button on the remote that closes the door, causing the kids and Rita to slam into the van and fall over] [tutting] Not so fast. This van is brand new and I wanna keep it that way. Shoes off! From now on you'll wear these booties. [holds a pair of booties] Now line up for inspection.

Laney: Inspection?

[Later at nighttime]

Lynn Sr.: [holding a clipboard] Aha, so no history of flaking skin, projectile vomiting, or Leaky Bowel Syndrome. [turns to Lana] You may enter.

[Lana dashes into the van and closes the sliding door. Lynn Sr. gets in the van.]

Lynn Sr.: Okay, gang! Let's take her for a ride! [starts the van and backs off the driveway, but unfortunately he drives it back] Everybody out! Don't smudge the door handles.

[Rita and the Loud children complain about the very short ride they had.]

Laney: What was that all about? We barely left the house!

Leni: That was, like, the shortest ride ever!

Lynn Sr.: Now guys, we don't want to rack up the mileage on Veronica.

Lincoln: Who?

Lynn Sr.: Oh, that's the name I gave my little baby. Now, everybody out!

[The kids and Rita get out of the car, feeling annoyed. Just as Lynn Sr. gets out and closes the door, Lori comes back]

Lori: Dad, can I borrow, um...Veronica tomorrow?

Lynn Sr. [laughs but realizes] Oh, wait. You're serious? Oh, sorry, honey, nobody drives her but me.

Rita: And me, of course.

Lynn Sr. [laughs again but realizes] Oh, wait! You're serious too?

[Lori and Rita just walk away, feeling annoyed]

[The next day, Lori and Leni are walking in town]

Leni: I can't believe Dad won't let you drive the new van. How are we supposed to get to the mall and junk?

Lori: [confidentially] I have a plan.

[Lori and Leni arrive at Todd's New/Used Cars and approach a pink car just as a salesman pops up]

Steve: Hello, ladies. I'm Steve. You interested in this beauty?

Lori: Very interested, Steve, but we'll need to take it for a test drive.

Steve: Sure.

[Feeling satisfied, Lori and Leni get into the car with Steve who sits at the back whilst Lori sits in the driver's seat]

Leni: Wait. Did you say test? Lori, I didn't study.

[Lori just ignores that last part and drives off with Leni and Steve]

[Lynn Sr. is seen washing Veronica. Lincoln walks up to him.]

Lincoln: Dad, what are you wearing?

Lynn Sr.: [turns around, wearing a beaded vest] "It's a beaded vest! I got his and hers for me and Veronica." [opens the turn to reveal a beaded vest on the driver's seat]

Lincoln: Err...wow. That's...err...wow. Listen, can I get a ride?

Lynn Sr.: [closes the door] No can do, son. Veronica and I have a special outing planned. [a bird tweets offscreen, prompting Lynn Sr. to start up his leafblower] Don't even think about it, pal!

[Meanwhile, Lori, Leni and Steve pull up at Burpin' Burger's Drive-Thru]

Lori: [to the intercom] Hi, I'll take three double bacon cheeseburgers and three drinks. [drives up to the window where she collects her order']

Steve: [confused] Girls, getting fast food is not usually part of the test drive.

Lori: Duh! We gotta test the cup holders.

[Lori and Leni place their drinks in the cup holders]

Leni: And we got you a double bacon cheeseburger. [tosses a burger to Steve]

Steve: Oh! I'm vegan but what the heck! [chomps on his burger as Lori drives on]

[Meanwhile, Lynn Sr. and Veronica are at a meeting for the Royal Woods Mini Van Society]

Lynn. Sr: Get this, my wife actually wanted to take Veronica grocery shopping. [chuckles] I mean, what if her dang protein shakes spilled, huh? I'd never forgive myself!

Ted: Ah, I never let my family in Sophia. Got to protect her fine Italian leather. [turns to Sophia] Isn't that right, Bellissima?

[A loud horn blares as a smart red minivan pulls up]

Sergei: Whoa, check out, Kotaro. What's he driving?

Kotaro: Gentleman of the Royal Woods Mini Van Society, allow me to introduce Marilyn.

Ted: Va Va Voom!

[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln has called for a meeting with Rita and the sisters, except Lori and Leni]

Lincoln: Okay, we all know why we're here. Dad is out of control with the new van.

Laney: Well too be fair, I did say nothing good will come out in getting a new van.

Luan: Yeah, it's almost enough to make you miss Vanzilla.

Lana: She was a hunk of junk but at least we could be ourselves.

Laney: Now you see what I'm talking about? Vanzilla was very important to us. We shouldn't have let dad get a new one. We should've been happy for what we already have! [The other sisters and Rita mumble in agreement]

Lincoln: Sorry we ever doubted you, Lanes. We gotta convince Dad to trade in Veronica and get Vanzilla back.

Lisa: [looks out the windows] Easier said than done.

[Everyone looks out the window to see Lynn Sr. offering a key ring to Veronica]

Lynn Sr.: Veronica, will you accept this key ring as a symbol of my love?

Rita: [annoyed] Oh for Pete's sake.

Lincoln: Looks like we're gonna have to go subliminal again.

Sisters and Rita: Mmm-hmm!

[Meanwhile, at the Royal Woods Mall, Steve is helping Lori and Leni with their shopping]

Steve: Um, I don't understand how shopping is part of the test drive.

Leni: Duh! We need to see how many bags the trunk can hold.

Steve: But...

Lori: [holds out a green jumper] And look what I found on sale.

Leni: It really brings out your eyes.

[Steve beams with delight]

[Back at the Loud House, Lynn Sr. is reading the newspaper when Lynn and Lucy serve him some pizza]

Lucy: Hey, Dad, we made "Piz-zilla". Pizza shaped like Vanzilla.

Lynn: Brings back some memories, doesn't it?

Lynn Sr.: [is about to eat his pizza when the toppings fall off] It sure does. Everything's fallen off it just like Vanzilla. [chuckles] Glad that heap's gone.

[Lucy and Lynn look at each other in disappointment]

[Later, Laney is seen painting a picture and showing it to Lynn Sr.]

Laney: Here dad. I made another painting for you.

Lynn Sr.: Another one? Well, you're quite the artist aren't ya? [The painting is shown to have Vanzilla caught in the rain] Eh, what do you call that?

Laney: I call it: "Stuck". It's so sad to see Vanzilla all alone with no one to drive it. Kinda makes you feel sorry for it, huh?

Lynn Sr.: Heh. I do remember the time Vanzilla was caught in the rain. Had to cancel a road trip beacuse it kept slowing down in all those mud puddles. Welp! Now that I have Veronica, I can say goodbye to those days! [leaves, Laney groans in frustration]

[Later, Lynn Sr. is washing Veronica]

Rita: I'm off to work, dear. I know you don't trust me to drive Veronica, so, from now on, I'll be carpooling with my co-worker, Brandon. You know, the one who just won the "Mr. Hunky Royal Woods" contest.

[Brandon pulls up with his car, shirtless]

Lynn Sr.: [not taking any notice] Uh-huh. Sure, honey. Smile, Veronica, this is going on our blog. [takes a selfie with Veronica]

Rita: [groans in frustration before getting in Brandon's car; annoyed] You can put your shirt back on now, Brandon.

[Brandon sheepishly drives off]

Lincoln: [looks from the window] We're going to have up our game.

Lynn Sr.: Okay, maybe we can do a tour around the block and then... [gasps in horror to see Veronica without any tires and standing on bricks] [distraught] My baby! She's been mugged! [fails to notice Lana running from the other side with one of the tires]

Lincoln: Wow, sorry, Dad. But, maybe there's a lesson here: we just can't have a car this nice in our driveway.

Lynn Sr.: You're right, son. Everybody, clean out the garage! [turns to Veronica] You'll be safe in there, Lambkins. [opens up the garage door] Chop, chop! We need to get Veronica to a safe place before sundown.

[Everyone else groans]

[Later, Lincoln, Rita and the sisters, except Lori and Leni, are back in the living room and have dirt marks from cleaning the garage]

Lynn: Well, that bit it hard.

Laney: [sarcasticaly] Yeah. Great plan, Lincoln!

Luna: Let's face it, dudes. We're never gonna trick Daddy-o into getting Vanzilla back.

Lynn Sr.: [gasps] Get Vanzilla back? What are you talking about? Don't you like Veronica?

Lincoln: She's fine. The problem is, well, you.

Lola: Yeah. You've turned into a total meanie. And frankly, a bit of a weirdo.

Laney: You don't let anyone on it other than yourself!

Lynn Sr.: That is unfair.

Luan: No, it's not, Dad. You made me walk all the way home from school.

Lynn Sr.: I was very clear about the no-sneezing policy.

Lisa: [with a glass helmet over her head] And I do not need appreciate being singled out to wear this saliva shield.

Lynn Sr.: I see what's happening here. You can't stand to see how happy Veronica and I are together so you wanna rip us apart! For shame, family! FOR SHAME! [leaves the house]

[Lynn Sr. meets with his friends at Burpin' Burger]

Lynn Sr:. And they called me a meanie and a weirdo.

Sergei: Meanie? Check! I have heard that one too.

Ted: Yup. Weirdo? Been there.

Kotaro: You gotta shrug it off, Lynn. Families just don't get it.

Ted: Yeah. Stand firm on that sneeze policy.

[Just then, a battered old minivan pulls up at the Drive-Thru]

Dad in the Van: Hey, guys. Who's up for some Burpin' Burger? [to the intercom] I'll take five Burpin' Burgers with all the stuffings and make sure that sauce is dripping.

[The kids in the van cheer]

Kid in the Van #1: You're the best, dad!

Kid in the Van #2: We love you!

[The van pulls up to the window]

Sergei: Aww. I remember when my kids loved me.

Ted: Me too. In my old van, the kids used to have squirt gun fights and I'd just laugh.

Kotoro: Yeah. In my old heap, the dog gave birth right there in the back seat! It was the cutest.

Sergei: Oh, to heck with it! I'm going to trade in Olivia and get my old van back!

Ted: Me too!

Kotoro: Me too! Farewell, Marylin. We'll always have that first oil change.

Lynn Sr.: You guys are nuts! You're gonna regret this!

[But it is no good. The other dads drive off to get their old vans back]

Kid in the Van #3: Daddy, who's that sad lonely man in the beaded vest?

Dad in the Van: Stay away from him, kids.

[Lynn Sr. looks in the rear view mirror and sighs sadly as he realizes what he's become]

[Later, Lynn Sr. comes back home and honks his horn]

Lynn Sr.: Family, I'm sorry! You were right! Who wants to get Vanzilla back?

[The family cheer in delight as they rush outside and Lynn Sr. opens the door]

Lynn: But, we don't have our booties.

Lynn Sr.: Oh, I don't care anymore. Just get your beautiful muddy feet in here.

[The family dives in and Lynn Sr. races back to the car lot, much to the manager's surprise]

Lynn Sr.: [gets out] Hi, I wanna return this van. It just didn't work out.

Manager: Alright, sir. [takes the keys back]

Lynn Sr.: And now, I'd like to buy back my old van.

Manager: No can do. Just sold it for scrap to the junkyard.

Lynn Sr.: [gasps in horror]

[Just then, Lori, Leni and Steve return from their test drive]

Lori, Leni and Steve: [singing] Ooh, girl! / If I could... / Ooh, girl! / Give you the... / Ooh, girl! / We're all girls!

Lynn Sr.: We need to take this car out for a test drive right now!

Lori: Dad, I think Steve may have had enough test driving for one day.

Steve: Are you kidding? This was amazing! [shows off his painted nails] My nailbeds have literally never looked this good. Whatever you guys want to do, I'm in!

Loud Family and Steve: [driving off to the junkyard] Woo-hoo!

[The car pulls up at the junkyard and the Louds get out as they call out Vanzilla's name]

Lynn Sr.: Honk if you can hear me! Come on, baby! Where are you?

Lincoln: There she is!

[A junkyard worker is about to crush Vanzilla, much to the Louds' horror]

Loud Family: NOOOO!

Lana: [gets out her slingshot] Dad, bead me!

[Lynn Sr. picks one of the beads off his vest and Lana fires at the worker's coffee, which spills onto the control panel. As a result, the crusher stops working before it's even touched Vanzilla]

Lynn Sr.: [runs up to the worker with money in his hand] I wanna buy this van.

Junkyard worker: Seriously? This hunk of junk?

Lynn Sr.: She's not a hunk of junk! She's family. [leans on Vanzilla's front bumper which falls off]

[Later, Lynn Sr. and Rita are heading home in Vanzilla]

Rita: Thanks for giving up Veronica, dear. I know it was a big sacrifice.

Lynn Sr.: Pttf! Veronica who?

[Rita and Lynn Sr. laugh]

Lynn Sr.: I'm just glad we can all be together in Vanzilla again.

Lincoln: [offscreen] We are, too! [camera cuts to reveal that Vanzilla is once again being pushed by the siblings, except for Lola who is still practicing her pageant waves] Even if we're not actually in Vanzilla.

Steve: [drives past whilst singing] Ooh, girl! / If I could... / Ooh, girl!


	42. Patching Things Up

**Patching Things Up**

Lola: Okay, tea set, glitter spray, and backup hair clips. As it says in the brochure, Bluebell Scouts have to be prepared for anything.

Lana: Yep. That's why I packed my toolbox, bug spray and backup roll of TP.

Lola: I can't believe we're gonna be Bluebells!

Lola and Lana: Together! EEEEE!

Lola: We can't get ahead of ourselves. We gotta pass the tryouts first. Which is why I'm giving you my lucky princess wand. [holds up said wand]

Lana: Aww, thanks sis. [takes the wand] And I'm giving you my lucky plunger. [holds up said plunger as a foghorn sounds and gives it to Lola] Oh, don't worry, I only use this one for sinks.

Just then Laney entered the room wearing an official Bluebell scout uniform. As you can see she's an intermediate Bluebell, and she was so excited to see two of her sisters become scouts too.

Laney: Are you girls ready to join the Bluebell scouts?

Lola and Lana: Yes maam!

Laney: It's gonna be so great having you guys join the ranks of us Bluebells. When I was younger, I enrolled in camp and I worked my way up to getting every badge they had. [shows Lola and Lana her sash that was full of badges] The mountain climbing badge. The bird calling badge. The arts and crafts badge...

Lana: [points at a red badge with spots on it] Ooh! Is that your bug catching badge?

Laney: No. That's just a ladybug. [blows on the Ladybug and it flies away]

Lola: Oh, that sash is gonna look so good on me!

Laney: Well, ladies. Let's hop to it! [the three get out of Lola and Lana's room, but Lincoln and Clyde are in their way]

Lincoln: Are we doing this, ladies?

Lola and Lana: We?

Laney: Um, Bluebell scouts are for girls only.

Lincoln: Can't a guy just want to support his sisters and cheer them on at tryouts?

Clyde: I thought we were going for the cookies.

Lincoln: [shuts Clyde's mouth] What Clyde means to say is, support, number one. But if we do happen to come across some of those world-famous Bluebell Scout cookies...

Clyde: The ones with crisp vanilla wafers, chocolate drizzle and toasted coconut crunchies...

[The boys start drooling like waterfalls]

Lola and Lana: A Bluebell is always prepared! [they take their umbrellas and duck under the drool-falls, and Laney put on galoshes so her feet won't get wet]

[Camp Bluebell]

Scout Leader: Who's ready to become a Bluebell?! Now if you wanna wear the periwinkle sash, you'll need to earn five different patches today.

Lola: Only five? Oh, we got this!

[Lola and Lana bump fists]

Scout Leader: Now, before we begin. We have an expert in our midsts. From North Hazeltucky bluebell camp, say hello to Laney Loud! [Laney waves to the scouts] She's gonna be helping me with getting your badges.

Laney: Thank you. Now our first badge is Wilderness Protection. [holds up said badge]

Scout Leader: To earn it, we're gonna hike up in the friendship trail and pick up all the icky sticky litter we find.

[Both Lola and Lana gasp; Lola horrified and Lana thrilled]

Lola and Lana: [at the same time] We have/get to pick up trash?

[Lana is collecting a lot of garbage and picks up an old sandwich]

Lana: [sniffing] Mmm, Spicy Italian.

[Lola is staggering while collecting her trash]

Lola: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! [she screams then runs away]

Scout Leader: All right. rubbish wranglers. Let's see how we did. [sees Lana's pile] That's trash-tastic, Lana! [gives Lana her first patch] Now, how about your sister?

[Enter Lola in a hazmat suit holding a soda can by a stick, still stagger]

Laney: Oh, Lola...

Scout Leader: Ooh. I don't think you got this one, honey.

[Lola gets sad]

Lana: Don't worry. You'll get the next patch.

[The trainees walk off and it cuts to a pair of binoculars]

Clyde: You see anything?

Lincoln: [searching] Not a crumb.

Clyde: I don't get it. This is the Bluebells. They gotta have cookies.

Lincoln: Maybe we need to get closer.

[Clyde stands closer to Lincoln, much to his confusion]

Scout Leader: To earn the Car Care patch. you must change a tire on the Bluebell bus.

Lana: [holding a power ratchet] Oh, oh! Me first! [She changes all the tires, tunes up the engine and starts the bus] Might wanna get that fan belt checked.

Scout Leader: [gives Lana the patch] Now aren't you just the cutest little grease monkey! Okay, Lola, let's see how you change a tire.

[Lola holds out a business card]

Lola: My auto club. Ask for Darcy, she is terrific.

Scout Leader: Hmm, sorry dear, That's not the Bluebell way.

Lana: Come on, Lols. You gotta up your game if we're gonna be Bluebells together, You got this girl. [slaps her]

Lola: [in pain] OW!

Laney: To earn your Rod and Reel patch, you must catch a fish.

Scout Leader: [pulling out a bucket full of worms] Everybody grab a squiggly wiggly worm!

[Lola, on the verge of throwing up, runs off the dock and vomits into a tote bag a couple times]

Scout Leader: [off-screen] That's a real whooper there!

[Lana returns with a fish and another patch]

Lana: Three down, two to go. Caught him with my bare hands so I could keep this guy for myself.

[She prepares to eat a worm she saved. Lola feels nauseous at this sight, and vomits into the tote bag once again. Lincoln and Clyde are resuming their cookie search. They spot the tote bag in the distance]

Lincoln: Target sighted, Clyde. I'm going in! [hands Clyde the binoculars and sneaks around to get to the tote bag] Let me wallow in your tasty morsels... [He looks in the bag, but he sees something not so tasty] GUUUUHHHH! [returns to Clyde and starts to gasps deeply]

Clyde: What happened? No cookies?

Lincoln: Oh, there were cookies. But not the kind you eat, the kind you toss.

[The boy's cheeks puff up, knowing that they're disgusted]

Scout Leader: Now, for the Primitive Survival patch. To earn it, you must dig a latrine.

Lola: That sounds French. A latrine, what is this?

Lana: [smiling widely] It's a hole you poop in!

Laney: Here we go... [puts on noise cancelling headphones]

[Upon hearing that, Lola screams in sheer horror at the top of her lungs. Her scream was so incredibly loud, that it echoes and scares the birds away. All the girls are now having lunch at the picnic area. Lola shaking in terror]

Lana: Lola, the day's half over and you don't have any patches yet. If you don't start trying harder, we're not gonna be Bluebells together.

Lola: [in little anger] I am trying! I just didn't know we'd have to do all this gross...poop and worm stuff!

[Lana starts eating the Spicy Italian she collected]

Lana: [with her mouth full] Aww, come on. It's not so bad.

Lola: Yeah, for you, the girl who eats trash hoagies.

Lana: [belches] You know. sometimes you just gotta step out of your comfort zone.

Lola: I'm already out of my comfort zone! I am eating without a tablecloth!

Laney: Don't worry, Lola. I'm sure you'll get your chance at these patches. You just need to find something you're good at.

Lola: You really think so?

Laney: I know so.

Lola: Well, what's the next patch going to be? [cut to later]

Scout Leader: Our next Bluebell Challenge will be the Fashion Forecast patch. [holds up said patch]

[Lola gasps and Lana sulks at the mentioning of fashion]

Scout Leader: Bluebell scouts are prepared for any kind of weather. So I'll give you a forecast, and you'll have to put on the proper attire. [opens up trunk of different outfits] Snow and ice.

[Snow starts to blow. Lola shows off her outfit consisting of an Ushanka, a scarf, a snow robe, and shades. She lowers her shades. Lana digs up from the snow in her usual outfit]

Scout Leader: Sunny and hot. [turns on a heat lamp]

[Lola wears sunglasses, a dress and a sunhat. But Lana only wears sunglasses while lounging on a rock with a lizard]

Scout Leader: Rainy and wet.

[She sprays water. Lola wears a raincoat and uses an umbrella. But Lana rolls in mud]

Scout Leader: Well, aren't you the prepared fashionista! Great work, Lola! [She spots Lana in her original clothes] Oopsie dopsie. Those don't look like the proper rainy day clothes.

Lana: These are "all weather" clothes. I don't need to change into no silly outfits!

Scout Leader: Oh, sorry, sweetie. That's not the Bluebell way.

Lola: Don't worry, Lans. You'll get the next one. You got this, girl! [she slaps her]

Lana: [in pain] OW!

[The moment they leave, Lincoln and Clyde pop out of the trunk in fashion items]

Lincoln: There's no cookies in here either.

Clyde: I'm starting to lose it, Lincoln. The crisp vanilla wafers...

Lincoln: The chocolate drizzles...

Clyde: Toasted coconut crunchies...

[both moan in ecstasy]

Scout Leader: Whoopsie doodle, almost left all those goodies behind! [retrieves her backpack]

Lincoln: [gasps] Of course! She's had them on her the whole time.

Clyde: Follow that backpack!

[They jump out of the trunk while Clyde is still wearing the dress he got stuck in]

Lincoln: Uh...Clyde?

Clyde: Oh, right, what was I thinking?

[Clyde puts on a tiara, lifts his dress up and charges off. Lincoln looks to the viewers confused and follows]

Scout Leader: To earn the Music Makers patch, you must perform the Bluebell song.

Laney: [tests the microphone] Testing... Okay, Lola. Ready when you are.

Lola: Ahem. We are the Bluebells / Loyal, kind, and true-bells / A better friend you'll never know!

Scout Leader: [applauds Lola] Next up. Lana!

Lana: [on a mic, singing poorly and off-key] We are the Bluebells, uh, uh...Loyal glue and shoebells E-I-E-I-O! [makes noises with her armpit and drops the mic]

[Laney The Scout Master is aghast at Lana's performance]

Lola: Lana, what was that?

Lana: You know I'm not good at this prissy sing-y dress-y junk!

Lola: Well, maybe you just need to...step outside your comfort zone!

[She walks off. Lana is shocked at what she said and blows a raspberry at her]

Scout Leader: To earn the Sewing Smarts patch, you must make a comfy-womfy sit-upon. [shows a sit-upon] Bluebells take these on camping trips so we don't have to sit upon the wet ground.

[Later, Lola shows her sit-upon]

Scout Master: Very good, Lola! Excellent use of pom-pom fringe! [gives Lola the patch]

Laney: Okay, Lana. Let's see... Oh. [sees Lana covered in tears, scratches, and sewing equipment from failing to make a proper sit-upon] Where's your sit-upon?

Lana: This is dumb! I already have a sit-upon! It's called my butt! [sits down]

Scout Leader: Time for the Fitness Fun patch! [wears an aerobics outfit, turns on the music, and puts her backpack aside]

[Lincoln and Clyde peek behind the curtain]

Lincoln: Goodies in range!

Scout Leader: To earn this patch, get your buns in gear and boogey oogey woogey!

[She and the trainees are doing aerobics. While the rest are doing fine, Lana keeps tripping over and falls on Lola]

Lana: [losing balance] Whoa!

[A push broom pulls in the backpack, courtesy of the boys]

Lincoln: Yes! We finally got the- [opens the bag only to find sashes] What? It's just a bunch of blue sashes!

Clyde: Actually, they're more of a periwinkle.

[Lana trips one more time, knocking all the trainees and the scout leader about. The Scout Leader grabs hold of the curtain which tears down and reveals Lincoln and Clyde]

Laney: Ahem! [Lincoln and Clyde see Laney not happy about destroying the stage]

Lincoln: Hey, Laney. How are the twins doing? [Laney continued to glare at them as she grabbed back the sashes]

Clyde: Uh, we weren't looking in that bag for cookies or anything. [Lincoln nudges him]

Scout Leader: Laney, dear. I'll handle them. [Cut to the camp gate, off-screen] AND STAY OUT! [kicks Lincoln and Clyde out]

Lincoln and Clyde: [land in a bush] OOF!

Scout Leader: Well, girls, only one patch to go. And this one's a mystery challenge. [Laney holds up five envelopes] You must choose an envelope and complete the task inside.

[The girls all get their envelopes]

Lana: We each got four patches, so we both have to get this last one.

Lola: I know, so please don't blow it.

Lana: Me? You don't blow it.

Lola: I'm just saying, you'd better hope the challenge doesn't require you to act like a proper lady, or we're never gonna be Bluebells together.

Lana: Well, you'd better hope it doesn't require you to get your precious princess paws dirty, or we won't be Bluebells together.

Lola: [angry] Maybe I don't want to be Bluebells together!

Lana: [angry as well] Maybe I don't either!

Lola: FINE!

Lana: FINE!

[The two then part ways to do their challenges]

Lola: Your challenge is to host a fancy schmancy tea party! YES! Now, where'd I pack that sugar bowl? [rummages through her backpack]

[Meanwhile]

Lana: Your challenge is to set up a cozy wozy campsite! YES! Now where'd I pack that bug spray? [rummages through her backpack]

Lola: I am totally in! I don't care if Lana makes it or not.

Lana: Oh, I'm totally in! I don't care if Lola makes it or not.

[Just then, to their surprise, they pull out from their packs the lucky charms they gave each other. Later, Laney and the Scout Leader are checking on Lola's tea party]

Laney: Wow, Lola. Very elegant.

Scout Leader: Indeed. This looks yummy yummy in my tummy!

Lola: Cop a squat. Tea's getting cold. [chugs the whole kettle and belches]

Laney: That's... not very elegant.

Lola: And now, the entertainment! [pulls the tablecloth and spills the dining ware and makes noises with her armpit]

Laney: Maybe Lana has better luck with her challenge. [They move on to Lana]

Scout Leader: Hey, sunshine, where's your campsite?

Lana: [holds out a business card for a motel] Uh, right down the road. Super 9 Motor Inn. Ask for a clean ice bucket.

[The Scout Leader and Laney look at each other perplexed]

Scout Leader: Lola, you failed the tea party challenge. And Lana, you failed the campsite challenge. So I'm afraid neither of you gets a patch.

Lola and Lana: [shocked] WHAT?!

Lana: You had a tea party? How'd you mess that up?

Lola: And you had a campsite? How could that go wrong?

[The two of them pick up each other's lucky charms]

Lola and Lana: [at the same time] I thought you might have the same challenge as me and you'd never be able to do it and I didn't wanna be a Bluebell without you! Really? Aw! [hug each other]

Lola: Sorry for being so hard on you today.

Lana: Me too. We're just good at different stuff.

Lola: Bluebells or not Bluebells, I don't care. As long as we're together.

[They hug again]

Laney: Actually, you two earned your Bluebell petals after all.

Lola and Lana: We did?

Scout Leader: [touched and in tears] Yes. You two cutie patooties just earned your fifth patch... [holds up a special patch] ...for your Faithful Friendship. [puts sashes on them] Oh, congratulations. You are both Bluebells. Now if you'll excuse me... [bawling] ...I HAVE TO GO CALL MY SISTER WISTER! [runs off to do so]

Laney: Welcome to the Bluebells!

[The twins start celebrating]

Lola: Woo-hoo!

Lana: We did it!

Lola: Bluebells!

Lana: We rock! Yes!

[The twins are carrying boxes]

Laney: I'm so proud of you girls today. Now we can all be Bluebells together!

Lola: Thanks, Laney. Now if we sell both these boxes...

Lana: ...we get the sixth Bluebell patch!

[The boys leap out of the bushes and land with a thud]

Lincoln: You got the cookies? How much are they?

[He and Clyde take out their money]

Lola: What you have in your hands will do.

Lincoln and Clyde: Take our money! [pay up and take the boxes]

[Inside the box is not cookies, but some kind of different treat]

Lincoln: Reduced sodium Kale Puffs? Where are the cookies?

Laney: Oh, I forgot to tell you. It's our new Bluebell healthy eating initiative.

[The twins start walking away with their money]

Lola: All sales are final.

Lana: No refunds.

Lincoln and Clyde: [crushed] NOOOOOOOOO!

[The sound echoes so loudly that it scares the birds away]


	43. Cheater By The Dozen

**Cheater By The Dozen**

[Over at Clyde's house, he and Lincoln are playing a fighting game starring Muscle Fish who is fighting his enemy Scuba Squid. Suddenly, Clyde pauses the game]

Clyde: Pause!

Lincoln: Huh?

Clyde: Time for the 20/20 rule. For every 20 minutes looking at a screen, you should look away for 20 seconds.

Lincoln: Is that really a thing?

Clyde: Of course. These peepers gotta last us a lifetime. [turns around and positions Lincoln's face to do the same] Oh, hey, look. There's Bobby.

[Bobby is cycling to the house across the street]

Lincoln: What's he doing around here?

[Bobby meets up with a girl at the door and they hug. She invites him in]

Clyde: I'll tell you what he's doing. He's cheating on Lori! I knew it. Underneath that flawless hair and those washboard abs beats the cold heart of a liar. [rolls up his sleeves, growls and proceeds to go beat Bobby up]

Lincoln: [holding his friend back] Slow down there, Hercules. Why don't we wait until he comes out? Then we'll see what's really going on.

[Later, Bobby is leaving the girl's house]

Teri: See you tomorrow, Roberto!

Bobby: Ciao, bella! [prepares to cycle until Lincoln and Clyde show up]

Lincoln: [suspicious] Hey, Bobby.

Bobby [nervously stops] Uh, hey, guys.

Clyde: Fancy seeing you here, miles away from your house. And Lori, your beautiful...loyal...girlfriend. [snarls at Bobby]

Lincoln: [holding Clyde back again] So, what are you doing here?

Bobby: Uh, I can't really get into that. But do me a favor and please don't tell Lori you saw me here. It's complicated. Thanks. Ciao. [prepares to cycle off while knocking over some trash cans and chuckling nervously]

Lincoln: Clyde, you were right! There's only one thing to do now.

Clyde: Get ripped, defeat Bobby in fisticuffs, and win back Lori's honor?

Lincoln: [unimpressed] Uh, no. I was thinking we tell Lori the truth.

Clyde: [doing push-ups] To each his own, my friend.

[The Loud House. Lincoln is going to Lori to tell her what he found out and takes a deep breath]

Lincoln: Here goes nothing.

[But before he can knock...]

Lori: [from inside her room; talking to Bobby on her tablet] Oh, Boo-Boo Bear. I can't wait for our anniversary date this Friday.

Bobby: I'm counting down the minutes.

Lori and Bobby: 4,320! [gasp and laugh]

Lori: Oh, we are so clearly soulmates. I literally don't know what I would do without you in my life.

[Lincoln has seen all this and frowns doubting himself about telling his oldest sister; he goes back to his room where Clyde calls him on his walkie-talkie]

Clyde: Come in, Heartbreaker! This is Dr. Rebound. Did you tell her yet?

Lincoln: Negative, Doc. It wasn't the right time.

Clyde: There's never gonna be a "right time" to tell Lori Bobby's a lowdown, two-bit, snake-in-the-grass cheater.

[The other sisters barge in shocked from hearing what Clyde said]

Lola: WHAT?!

[Lincoln flinches and falls back]

Lola: Bobby's cheating on Lori?! Tell us everything!

Lincoln: You can't just burst in here and- [Lynn angrily grabs him by his shirt] Okay, okay!

[Segue to Lincoln finishing up the details]

Lincoln: And then he was all like, but don't tell Lori you saw me. It's complicated.

Lola: That dirtbag!

Laney: Wait a minute! We shouldn't jump to conclusions so soon. Lori and Bobby were always very close. There's no way he would ever do this to her.

Lisa: She's right. Besides, we don't have enough evidence yet.

Lola: Lisa's right. We should plant some.

Lisa: Incorrect. We need to gather some.

Lana: Yeah. You can't drop a bomb on Lori without being 1 zillion% sure. She'll end you if you're wrong.

Lynn: One time, I told her we were out of bread, but then she found a loaf and beat me with it.

Laney: She's right, one time she asked me if she'd looked good in a polka dotted dress. I told her yes, but when she found out it made her look silly, she splattered me in the face with my own easel!

Lincoln: So, how do you propose we gather this evidence?

Sisters: Stakeout!

[Clyde's House. Lincoln is checking the house across the street for Bobby]

Luan: Oh. Has Cheater-Cheater-Pumpkin-Eater shown up yet?

Lincoln: Negative.

[Clyde is working with a punching bag to train for his "showdown" with Bobby. Leni enters with some salmon on a platter]

Leni: Since steak is kinda unhealthy, do you guys mind if we make this a salmon-out?

[The others just look on puzzled. Enter Lisa]

Lisa: I rigged audio surveillance, but a vicious beast prevented me from installing visuals.

[Flashback to Lisa's encounter with said beast. Its shadow overlaps her]

Lisa: [scared] AAH! LARGE WILD ANIMAL! [runs away]

[The beast turns out to have just been Nepurrtiti at the windowsill. End flashback with everyone except Luna looking at her with disappointment]

Luna: [peaking] Dudes! Here comes the Bob-sled!

[The others gather around and see Bobby arriving at the house across the street. He looks around to see if anyone's watching him and they duck down before he sees them. He then enters the house with no one watching]

Lisa: Okay, stud muffin, let's just see what you're up to.

[She activates the radio and they all gather as romantic music starts playing]

Teri: Ti amo.

?: Ti amo.

Lisa: That's "I love you" in Italian! His cheating ways have crossed the language barrier.

[The girl and the boy who is likely to be Bobby kiss. Luna gasps and covers Lily's eyes. The sisters scream in panic and shut the curtain to avoid being detected]

Laney: I-I can't believe it! Did you see them, they we kissing! No, this can't be right! I-I-I know he wouldn't do this! Not to Lori!

Lincoln: I think we've seen enough.

Clyde: Let's get him!

[They all charge out of Clyde's house and stop and gasp to see that the boy in the house the girl was kissing was actually her boyfriend and they just mistook him for Bobby in his silhouette. They duck into the bush]

Leni: [pops up] Wow. Bobby's really put on some height.

Lisa: [pops up] That's not Bobby.

Lincoln: What's going on?

[The girl and her boyfriend kiss and Bobby steps out of the house as they show their gratitude to him]

Luna: Dudes, it's simple. Bobby doesn't have a side-gal. He's just friends with that chick. And Daddy-Long-Legs is her boyfriend.

Laney: You mean they weren't... [Luna shakes her head] Oh... What a relief.

[The girls turn to Lincoln disappointed and frustrated]

Lynn: Nice going, Lincoln! Way to waste our time!

Leni: And our salmon!

[Lincoln shyly smiles]

[The next day at the mall's arcade, Lincoln and Clyde are playing on some of the machines until Clyde pauses them]

Clyde: Time for the 20/20 rule.

Lincoln: Didn't that get us into trouble last time?

[Clyde obeys the rule while Lincoln does not]

Clyde: Oh, hey, look. There's Bobby.

Lincoln: [looking] Seriously?

[He's over at Dress to Impress]

Clyde: [using binoculars] What's he doing in a dress shop?

Lincoln: Where'd you get binoculars?

[A girl comes out a dressing room in a dress]

Clyde: [gasps] Now he's with a different girl?

Lincoln: Ha! I knew we were right!

Clyde: [furious] That does it! [goes over to the gym to get pumped]

Lincoln: It's all so clear! Bobby is cheating! We just had the wrong girl.

[While Lincoln is talking, Clyde tries lifting a barbell only to end up struggling. It gets caught on his chest and he's grunting]

Lincoln: [oblivious] I know! I'm mad, too! [still not noticing] Good! Channel that anger. [finally takes notice] Oh. [lifts the barbell off Clyde as he breathes heavily for air]

[Dress to Impress. Bobby and the girl have just finished shopping]

Dana: We're still on for later, right?

Bobby: I wouldn't miss it for the world.

[They hug and leave. Lincoln and Clyde pop up from behind a clothes rack]

Clyde: [mimicking] Wouldn't miss it for the world. A cheater and a cheese ball.

Lincoln: We have to tell my sisters.

Clyde: But they're not gonna believe us after what happened last time. We need photographic evidence.

Lincoln: And I know just the person who would love help. Come on!

[Lincoln leaves, but before Clyde follows, he notices a customer looking for a dress]

Clyde: [takes out a purple one] How about this one? It'll bring out your eyes.

[The customer takes the dress and likes it and Clyde heads out]

[As Bobby gets his bike, another girl comes up and waves to him, showing they obviously know each other. Lincoln and Clyde shoot periscopes upward from the trash cans nearby]

Lincoln: Wait. Now who's this girl?

Clyde: I think we've stumbled onto something bigger than we expected: a multiple-cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater situation. [someone knocks at the cans and the boys pop up]

Lincoln and Clyde: Shh! [It turns out the person knocking was Laney]

Laney: I'm sorry, boys. But exactly why am I here?

Lincoln: I know you don't believe me but trust me! Bobby is cheating on Lori big time!

Laney: How can you be so sure?

Clyde: Just look at him! [Laney looks at Bobby storing a bike in the trunk of a girls's car and they drove off. The boys then hides Laney inside one of the trash cans]

Laney: Okay, so you may have proof. But i still don't see why you need me.

Lincoln: We need someone on the inside to gather more information. And who better to help with that than the Loud house hide and seek champion.

Laney: [blushes] Oh, you're just saying that.

Lincoln: No, i mean it! One time, you were hiding in the backyard and we spent all weekend finding you. So what do you say, will you help your big brother take down this scoundrel? [Laney thought about it for a moment]

Laney: Okay. But know this: If Lori finds out you're wrong, she'll kill me.

Lincoln: Great! Now, lets follow them! [Laney hops on a bike on a rack and runs off after Bobby]

[Lincoln and Clyde put on their helmets and bust out Clyde's dads' tandem bike]

Clyde: Lincoln, let me do the pedaling. I need to work out my thighs.

As the boys made there way to Make-Out Point, Laney made her way to where Bobby and the girl were. Just as she was taking pictures she overheard them talking...

Girl: So what do you think?

Bobby: Man! Look at the view! Lori's gonna love this!

Laney: [thoughts to herself] _Lori? I thought Bobby was cheating on her._ [She moved in closer so she could hear better]

Girl: [offscreen] So yeah, everyone reccomended it to be the perfect place for dates.

Bobby: [offscreen] For Lori, everything's got to be perfect. This is going to the best anniversary ever!

Laney's eyes widened when she found out that it's not what Lincoln and Clyde thought. She knew she had to tell them, problem is will they listen? By the time the boys came to see for themselves, Laney had that said predicament.

Clyde: This is a new low. I can't believe he'd take some random girl to Make-Out Hill.

Lincoln: Got anything about that lying rat, Lanes?

Laney: [As she hands Lincoln the camera] Yeah, about that. There's something you should know about Bobby-

Lincoln: That he's low-down cheatin' weasel? Oh I know! [Bobby and the girl are laughing and Lincoln gets a shot of it before they drive off]

Laney: No, it's that he's-

Clyde: Getting away!

Lincoln: Follow that car! [They jump on Clyde's tandem bike and rode off, leaving Laney behind]

Laney: Ohhh... If Lori finds out they're lying about Bobby she'll break their heads! I've got to tell them! [follows them]

[As they follow, the girl's car comes to a stop sign and Bobby gets his bike out of the trunk and they part ways while the boys spy from a mailbox and a cardboard box. Bobby then stops at another house]

Lincoln: [with the binoculars] Where's he going now?

[Bobby knocks on the door and sees another woman at the door]

Lincoln: This is getting ridiculous!

[The window Bobby can be seen in is covered up by the curtain]

Clyde: Dang it. Lost our visuals.

[Lincoln then turns his attention to the woman's dog coming out in the backyard and smiles with an idea. Cut to him getting along with the dog]

Lincoln: [cooing] Who's a good boy?

Clyde: [irked] Not Bobby.

[Lincoln puts a little surveillance camera on the dog's collar]

Lincoln: Now, scoot!

[The dog enters the house and Lincoln checks the surveillance on his phone getting a clear shot from the collar camera]

Lincoln: And we're in.

Clyde: [woozy] Ooh...shaky cam doesn't agree with me. [gags]

[The camera shows Bobby in the living room with the woman]

Pam: Why don't you slip out of those clothes, and we'll get started.

[Bobby starts to take off his clothes and the boys gasp at that]

Clyde: [covering his eyes] I'M NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH R-RATED MOVIES!

[The dog gets all the way up to Bobby]

Bobby: [to the dog] Oh, yes, I love you, too! [gets licked] Aw, such a pretty girl. [kisses the dog]

Lincoln: Disgusting! Now he's crossing species.

As Bobby rode off and Lincoln and Clyde follow him, Laney stopped by the place they were last. She knocked at the door and talked to the woman Bobby was with.

Laney: Excuse me miss, have you seen two boys run through here?

Woman: No. The only boy I've seen was Bobby. I was helping him fit into a tux.

Laney: Oh boy... Well, did he tell you where he was going.

Woman: No he did not.

Laney: Uhhh... gotta go! [Runs off again]

[The boys then follow Bobby to an alley where he goes down an obscure stairway]

Lincoln: What is this place?

Clyde: Probably some kind of underground club for cheaters.

[They go into the "club" and are hiding at a table behind menus]

Lincoln: I don't see Pumpkin Eater anywhere.

[Bobby comes in and starts dancing with a man with a lot of vigor and passion as if it was some kind of romantic dance]

Lincoln: [having observed the dance] Man, this guy is full of surprises! [takes a picture before Bobby can even look]

[They then follow Bobby to a jewelry store where he meets up with a familiar face]

Lincoln: That's the girl from the mall! [sees them go in] Come on!

[They rush over to the display window and see him holding out a ring and kneeling down before her, which can only mean one thing]

Clyde: I can't believe it! He's popping the question!

Lincoln: [takes the picture] That's it! I'm calling this in, Clyde! [calls his other sisters]

[Lincoln is showing his other sisters photos he took of Bobby with the other girls and the dancer]

Lincoln: You believe me now?

Luan: [downtrodden] Sadly, yes.

Lisa: And to think, poor delusional Lori is at home primping for their date tonight, unaware that their love is a total sham.

Laney: Guys! Guys! There's something you should know!

[The door is opening up and they gasp and duck as Bobby and the mall girl come out and Bobby makes a call]

Bobby: Is this Giovanni Chang's Italian Mandarin Bistro? I'd like to make a reservation for tonight. Your most romantic table. We're celebrating something very special.

[The others have overheard it]

Lynn: Ugh. He's taking her to dinner? He's supposed to be taking Lori!

Laney: Please! It's not what you think at all!

Lola: Oh, it's exactly what we think! That "Boo Boo Bear's" been playing!

Lincoln: Uh, not to mention he's getting married?

Lucy: We have to tell Lori before it's too late.

[They all rush back to the Loud House to warn Lori and enter her room but gasp to find that she's not there]

Lynn: It's too late! She must have already left!

[Leni tries calling her while biting her nails but gets nothing]

Leni: And she's not answering her cell!

Lincoln: Well, if we can't get to Lori, at least we can get to Bobby.

Laney: But wait-

Clyde: I hope he likes eating pumpkin through a straw!

[They all hurry to the bistro, leaving Laney behind]

Laney: This is getting irritating! [runs after them]

[Giovanni Chang's Italian Chinese Bistro. The gang bursts through the door and looks for Bobby until they spot him]

Lynn: There he is!

[They march right up to his table to confront him]

Lincoln: Well, well, well. If it isn't the Pumpkin Eater. Celebrating your engagement, Roberto?

Bobby: [clearly baffled] My engagement? What?

Lola: Oh, so you're not here with your fiancée? Then who did you bring?

Luna: The blonde? The guy? The dog?

Clyde: It's go-time, Romeo! [gets on the table and tugs at Bobby's tie only to get flung off and crash into a dinner cart]

Waiter: Mama mia! The linguini dim sum!

Lori: [right behind her siblings] "Uh, what is going on?"

Lori's siblings: LORI?!

Luan: What are you doing here?

Lori: What are YOU doing here?

Lincoln: I'm sorry you have to find out this way. Bobby's been cheating on you.

Lori and Bobby: What are you talking about?!

Lincoln: I'm talking about this! [places the photos he took on the table] Care to explain?

Bobby: Sure. [points to a photo of the mall girl] That's my co-worker, Dana, from the department store. She was helping me pick out the dress and earrings I bought Lori. [The siblings turn to see that Lori is wearing the exact same dress and earrings] That's Monica, from my tour guide job. She was showing me the most romantic spots to take Lori to. [shows the photo of the woman with the dog] And that's Pam from my dry-cleaning job. She was fitting me for a tux. [comes across the photo of him with the dancing guy] Oh. [chuckles] And that's Darin. I met him on the bus. He was teaching me how to dance. [shows a photo of the girl from the house across the street from Clyde's] And in case you were wondering, Clyde's neighbor is Teri, my co-worker at the pizzeria. She taught me how to order in Italian-Mandarin.

Clyde: Oh, wow. So, I guess we were really wrong about the dog. [Lori decides not to ask]

Laney: That's what I've been trying to tell you guys all along! Bobby would never cheat on Lori!

Lincoln: Sorry, you guys. We got a little ahead of ourselves. [To Laney] Perhaps we should've stopped and listened to you, Laney.

Lori: [furious] Well, you did almost ruin our anniversary! I oughta beat every one of you! [Upon hearing that, Lynn quickly hides the bread sticks under the table knowing what's gonna happen]

Lori: [calmly grateful] But, I appreciate all of you looking out for me. [To Laney] Especially you, Laney.

Laney: Don't mention it, Lori. I think you two are great for each other. And I know that he would never do anything to hurt you. [Lori smiles at her]

Lincoln: So, you're not mad?

[Lori shakes her head. Lynn puts the bread sticks back and eats one]

Chef: Ahem! I hate to break up this lovefest, but how do you intend to pay for my linguini dim sum?

[Later, Lori and Bobby are dancing together, and Lincoln and Clyde are working in the kitchen to work off the mess that was made]

Chef: Hurry up with those kung pao anchovies!

Clyde: Well, at least all that working out won't go to waste.

[He struggles to open a jar of anchovies and Lincoln takes it and opens it himself, showing Clyde was turning the lid the wrong way]

Lincoln: [sympathizing] You loosened it.

[The jar opens up and some stinky yucky anchovies appear]

Lincoln and Clyde: [grossed out] UGH!


	44. Lock 'N' Loud

**Lock 'n' Loud**

[The episode begins with Lynn Sr. and Rita pulling in the driveway.]

Rita: I am so glad we signed up for those ballroom dance classes.

Lynn Sr.: Me too. One tango lesson and I am a pro. [Scats as he spins Rita but she ends up crashing into a shrub]

Rita: Ow! Ow! Thorns!

Lynn Sr.: Doh! Oh, sorry! Sorry! I'll get the first aid kit! [Goes to unlock the door but it is already opened and he growls in frustration] Those darn kids! [bursts inside the house which attracts the siblings' attention] I have told you guys a million times: you gotta lock the doors at night.

Luna: Come on, Pops. What's the big whoop?

Lynn Sr.: Oh, I'll tell you what the big whoop is. There've been some burglaries in the neighborhood and I don't want us to be next. So PLEASE! JUST! LOCK! THE! DANG! DOOR! It's not that hard! [He locks the door as he says that and walks off, forgetting about Rita who is still stuck outside]

Rita: Uh, honey?

Laney thought about her dad warning her about burglars. Could they're really be people who are after her precious chest? That thought filled her with fear...

Laney: Burglars?

[Later, the siblings are in Lori and Leni's room]

Lincoln: [concerned] Listen, guys. Dad's right. We need to start acting responsible or we're gonna lose all our stuff.

Luna: [worried] I don't wanna lose my ax. [Luna imagines a burglar creeping into Luna and Luan's bedroom window and stealing her guitar. Cut back to reality as Luna clutches her guitar]

Lana: [worried] I don't wanna lose mine, either. [Lana imagines the same burglar yanking Lana's axe from a stump and falling over in the process. Cut back to reality as Lana clutches her axe]

Lucy: [worried] I don't want to lose my soulmate. [Lucy imagines the burglar grabbing Edwin's bust from the window. Cut back to reality as Lucy clutches Edwin]

Luan: [worried] And I don't want to lose mine, either. [Luan imagines herself with Mr. Coconuts until a hand snatches Mr. Coconuts from Luan. Cut back to reality as Luan clutches Mr. Coconuts]

Lisa: [worried] I don't want to lose my life's work. [Lisa imagines the burglar popping out from a drawer and swiping Lisa's chemistry set into the bag. Cut back to reality as Lisa clutches her chemistry set]

Leni: [scared] I don't want to lose mine, either. [Leni imagines her life's work, which turns out to a kiddie's jigsaw puzzle being swiped by the burglar who is hanging from the ceiling. Cut back to reality as Leni clutches her jigsaw]

Laney: And I don't want to lose... My passion... [Laney imagines her whole chest being hauled off by the burglar who came from the window and threw it out, a breaking sound was heard and the burglar just shrugged. Cut back to Laney shaking with fear from that worrysome thought]

Lincoln: Well, if we wanna protect our stuff, locking the door isn't enough. We gotta lock this place down!

[The sisters cheer in delight]

Lily: [holds her toy keys] Ga-ga!

[The next day, Clyde arrives at the Loud House but is stopped by Bobby who is dressed in his mall cop uniform and riding a segway]

Bobby: State your name and business.

Clyde: Bobby? What's going on?

Bobby: New security measures. Lori asked me to protect Casa Loud. So come on, Clyde: name and business.

Clyde: Sure, but...wait. You just said my name.

Bobby: Do we have a problem here?

Lori: [from her bedroom window] It's okay, Boo Boo Bear. I'll vouch for him. Go ahead, Clyde.

Clyde: [lovesick] Thanks, L-L-Lori. She vouched for me. [breathes into his paper bag as he walks inside but as he enters, two foghorns and a siren go off, causing him to yelp]

Lisa: [runs up and switches the alarms off] Splendid! My motion sensors are working perfectly.

[Clyde starts to walk up the stairs but he accidentally sets off a laser beam, which turns the stairs into a slope. Clyde lets out a scream as he tumbles back down]

Lisa: Excellent. My staircase ramp is also working. Now to check the alligator pit... [brings out a remote and smiles deviously at Clyde]

Clyde: [alarmed] Noooooooooo! [quickly races up the stairs]

[Lincoln is looking through his blinds when Clyde enters the room]

Clyde: [salutes] Agent McBride reporting for duty.

Lincoln: Welcome to the Command Center, McBride. Anything goes down in Royal Woods, we'll be the first to know about it.

Clyde: [presents two cups of coffee] Coffee?

Lincoln: You read my mind. [Lincoln and Clyde drink the coffee but both hate the taste and end up spitting it back out all over each other] I'll go get us some juice. And some napkins.

Woman over scanner Attention, all units! We've got an 11-25 at 7 Mile and Oak.

Clyde: An 11-25? What's that?

Lincoln: [reads a police code book] **Failure to pick up dog poop**.

Clyde: This used to be a nice town.

[Later, Lincoln exits his bedroom and is surprised to see Lucy taking Edwin into the bathroom and Luna doing the same with her loud speakers. Laney was supervising, while Lisa looks on]

Laney: Okay, people! Keep it moving.

Lincoln: Uh, what's going on?

Laney: It's for the good of our stuff, Lincoln! Inside my chest are the many things that made me me! All my creativity, my art, my costumes! I cannot risk all that being taken away by some low down thief.

Lisa: Indeed, if you have valuables to protect, you can store them in the safe room.

Lincoln: Why is the bathroom the safe room?

Lisa: Because of the cameras I installed last year.

Lincoln: [shocked] You installed cameras?!

Lisa: [unconvincingly] Noooo... [puts on a devious smile, which indicates she's lying and walks away]

Luan: [walks into the bathroom with Mr. Coconuts] I think it's the perfect place to dump our stuff. [laughs] Get it? [as Mr. Coconuts] Whoa, Toots! You're leaving me locked in here with Count Creepy?

Lucy: [sighs] Please, Edwin is the one who should be complaining.

Lincoln: [unsure] Okay...

Lynn: [off-screen] It's the burglar!

[Lincoln, alarmed by this rushes to Lynn and Lucy's bedroom, only to find Lynn, Leni and Lola dressed in karate outfits and a dummy made to look like a burglar]

Laney: Don't mind them, Lincoln. Lana and Leni are training to defend themselves against the burglar.

Lynn: Leni, what's your first move?

Leni: [flirting with the dummy] Hey! So, like, how long have you been burgling?

Lynn: [annoyed] What are you doing?

Leni: Breaking the ice. He's cute. [takes a selfie with the dummy]

Lynn: [groans] Okay. Lola, this burglar just stole your tiaras.

[Upon hearing this, Lola roars angrily and attacks the dummy, much to Lynn's satisfaction]

Leni: [upset] Lola! I think he liked me!

[Lincoln is in the kitchen when a hooded figure tries to break in through the window]

Lincoln: [gasps] The burglar! [grabs a banana which he uses as a gun but the hooded figure is revealed to be Lana]

Lana: Chill, banana boy! I'm training Charles to be a vicious guard dog! [imitating a burglar] I'm the burglar! Attack, boy! [But Charles just lies there and yawns so Lana grabs a handful of his dog food] Look, I'm stealing your food! [eats the food but Charles lies on his back and falls asleep; frustrated] Charles! Mmm! What is this? Chipped beef? [continues to eat Charles' food while Lincoln just stares awkwardly at the audience]

[That night, Lynn Sr. and Rita are going to dance class again]

Lynn Sr.: "Got my dancing shoes on and I am ready to get down and get back up again." [does a dance when Bobby comes]

Bobby: State your names and business. Sorry, new security measures. [holds up a sheet of paper explaining the new measures]

Lynn Sr.: You hear that, honey? New security measures. I think I've really gotten through to the kids. Thank you, Bobby.

Bobby: Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Loud, but before you go dancing, I really do need your names and business.

Rita: Uh, you just said our names and business.

Bobby: [facepalms] Dang it! I gotta stop doing that.

Later that night, Laney was sleeping sound when she was woken up to the sound of Lincoln's news.

Lincoln: [Offscreen] You guys! They caught the burglar!

[All the sisters, except Leni, cheer in delight]

Leni: [looks at her smartphone] Oh, Donny, we should have run off to Mexico while we had the chance.

[Soon everyone dashed off to the bathroom to retrieve their stuff, knowing they were safe from being stolen. Especially Laney, who was lifting her chest back to her room.]

Luan: [as Mr. Coconuts] Eddie, baby, call me! We'll do lunch. What? He's spooky but he's got a heart of porcelain.

Lynn Sr.: Guys, I just found the door wide open! What gives?

Lincoln: Oh, we're sorry, Dad. But we don't have to worry anymore. They caught the burglar!

Lynn Sr.: That's peachy, son, but there could be other burglars out there.

Laney: Other burglars?

Lisa: Actually, Father, based on Royal Woods' crime rates per capita, that is statistically unlikely.

Lincoln: Yeah, I've been listening to the scanner all day and the worst crime I've heard about is someone not picking up their dog poop.

Lana: [excitedly] Where? I'll pick it up!

Lynn Sr. But kids... [The siblings just walk off, telling their father not to worry; annoyed] Why does nobody listen to me?

[He goes to lock the door, once again forgetting about Rita who is still stuck outside]

Rita: Uh, Honey?

[The next night]

Lynn Sr. Off to dance class, kids! Please, keep the door locked while we're gone.

[The kids just murmur that they'll do that, Lynn Sr. sighs as he and Rita leave. Just seconds after they've gone...]

Mr. Grouse: [off-screen] Help! Help! I've been robbed!

[Upon hearing this, the siblings quickly rush next door]

Lincoln: Mr. Grouse, what happened?

Mr. Grouse: [distraught] They cleaned me out! My polka records! My black and white TV! My encyclopedias! All gone! [walks back inside and closes the door]

Lori: I literally don't know what any of those things are.

Lucy: Dad was right. There are other burglars.

Twins: [worried] And our house could be next!

Lincoln: [determined] Not if we have anything to say about it!

[The siblings place their belongings back into the bathroom]

Luan: [as Mr. Coconuts] Eddie, baby! I bought my Pinochle deck! [Mr. Coconuts tosses a deck of card in the air but is horrified to see them scatter on the floor]

Laney: Don't worry, chest. This time, I'll make sure no one steals or breaks you. [Laney then locks her chest with many locks and chains]

Leni: [holding a bottle of perfume] You guys! I found a deadly spray to use against the burglar. See? " **Fatal Encounter** ".

Lori: Leni, that's a perfume sample.

Lisa: Siblings, I'm enhancing my security system. I need a retina scan. [scans Lori and Leni's retinas before holding two plastic containers] I also need a stool sample.

Lori: [suspiciously] For your security system?

Lisa: Uh...sure, that's it! [gives another devious smile]

[In the kitchen, Lincoln and Clyde are filling a vat with hot bacon grease.]

Lincoln: "Operation Grease Release" is a-go! Let's get this baby upstairs.

Clyde: What do we do with all the bacon? [the camera reveals a stack of bacon on the table]

Lincoln: That's a high class problem to have, my friend.

[Just as Lincoln and Clyde leave with the vat, Charles runs into the kitchen with Lana chasing after him]

Lana: Charles!

[Suddenly Charles spots the bacon and starts eating it]

Lana: You're supposed to chomp burglar butts, not bacon! [groans] I should have trained the cat.

[In the front yard]

Laney: Okay... Monitor. [Lola has set up a spotlight to monitor the house and gives Laney a thumbs up] Check. Ditches. [Walks over to Lucy and Lana, who are digging a ditch. They give her a thumbs up as well] Check. How we doing with the mousetraps and barbed wire? [Luna places barbed wire around the ditch and gives Laney a thumbs up too, while Luan places several mousetraps off-screen]

Luan: These will put a ro-dent in the burglar's plan. [laughs] Get it? They're mousetraps.

[Lucy and Lily just look annoyed]

Luna: [annoyed] Really, dude?

Luan: [gets caught by a mousetrap off-screen] Ow!

Lynn: Hey, Lanes, my roller derby team is gonna help Bobby patrol.

Laney: Excellent! How are they at handling criminals? [Two of Lynn's teammates then proceed to biff into Bobby who falls over]

Bobby: [groaning] You're hired!

[Later, Lynn Sr. and Rita return and are shocked to see the now fortified house. Lola shines a spotlight on them but recognizes them and the gate opens to let them in. Just as, Lynn Sr. and Rita get out of the van, Bobby and Lisa, who is also dressed in police attire, come up to them]

Lisa: Good evening, parental units! We are going to need to conduct a routine body search.

Rita: [shocked] What in the world is going on?

Lynn: Mr. Grouse got robbed! We had to beef up security!

Lola: We used your credit card.

Lynn Sr.: Kids, I'm glad you're taking this seriously but you may have gone a little overboard.

Rita: [being scanned by Lisa and feeling annoyed] A little?

Lynn Sr.: We don't need all this security. If we just lock the doors and windows, we'll be fine. Now, everyone to bed.

[The siblings, Bobby and the roller derby team leave]

Lisa: I'm still gonna need those stool samples.

[Laney walks inside with the rest of her sisters]

Laney: Don't worry, Dad. I'm not taking any chances! This time I'm gonna lock the doors! [Goes over to the kitchen and locks the back door and all the windows in the house] Okay, you guys go on ahead. I'll stay down here and stay on guard.

Lincoln: Are you sure you'll be okay, Laney?

Laney: I'll be fine. I'll let you guys know if there's anything to report. Besides, crime doesn't sleep. And neither will I. [Cut to Laney sleeping on the kiddie table minutes later. She then heard something budging at the door, she walked over and saw a mysterious hodded figure and she gasped] IT'S THE BURGLAR! [Lincoln hears Laney scream and sees the hooded figure outside.

Lincoln: [gasps in horror and pulls a string which sets off bells in the other bedrooms, thus waking up the sisters and Rita. A police badge transition occurs with the scene shifting to the sisters standing outside Lincoln's room] Battle stations, guys! We've got a burglar on the premises!

[The sisters gasp in horror]

Lori: [panicking] Oh my gosh! What do we do? He's gonna take all our stuff!

Lola: [slaps Lori with her glove] Get it together, woman!

Lori: Thanks. I needed that. [threateningly] But I'll get you back.

[The siblings waste no time in rushing off to set off their traps but Lana looks at Charles who is just lying there]

Lana: [sarcastically] Don't trouble yourself or anything, Charles. [Lincoln and Lynn are holding the vat of bacon grease from Luna and Luan's window]

Lincoln: Eat hot bacon grease! [As the vat is tipped, the grease is revealed to have been congealed and the "burglar's" head is stuck inside] Make that congealed bacon grease!

[As the hooded figure gets up, Lola shines a spotlight on him. He backs away but falls into the ditch. Bobby and the Roller Derby team approach him]

Bobby: Keep a tight formation, ladies! This is what we trained for!

[The Roller Derby team then attacks the so-called burglar just as the Loud siblings and Rita run up]

Laney: I hope that thief has a good layer!

Rita: Wait! Wait! I recognize those dancing shoes! Off! Off!

[The Roller Derby team stops attacking and it is revealed that the figure was Lynn Sr. and Rita helps him out of the ditch]

Siblings: [surprised] DAD!?

Lynn Sr. [nervously] I...was just taking a walk and I got locked out.

[The siblings apologize to Lynn Sr. for attacking him]

Mr. Grouse: [off-screen] Hey, Loud! [camera pans over to Mr. Grouse's window and his face is incredibly swollen] These muffins got walnuts in them! Next time you want to pay me off for pretending to be robbed, how about giving me something I'm not allergic to?

Lincoln: Pretending to be robbed?!

Siblings: Dad! / Our own father. / You lied to us? / Bogus move, Dad. [The siblings and Rita angrily scold Lynn Sr. for lying]

Lynn Sr. [sighs] I'm sorry, everyone. I was just trying to teach you to lock the dang door. I just want to protect my most important valuables: you guys.

Siblings and Rita: Awwww! [hug Lynn Sr. in forgiveness]

Siblings: Okay, Dad, we'll lock the door. / You're the greatest. / Love you.

[Suddenly Charles spots two rashers of bacon on Lynn Sr.'s butt and charges. Everyone, except Lynn Sr., get out of the way]

Lynn Sr. [as Charles bites him off-screen] OUCH!

Lana: [satisfied] Finally!


	45. The Whole Picture

**The Whole Picture**

[Episode begins with a view of Lincoln's first mustache hair zoomed in]

Clyde: Hold still...

[The camera flashes in]

Clyde: Got it!

Lincoln: Whoa! Great shot! First mustache hair ever. This one is definitely going in the "Lincoln Library".

Clyde: [confused] Lincoln Library?

[The next frame shows up a computer screen. Then it shows Lincoln's library with all his childhood memories]

Lincoln: Yep, it's the folder. where I keep all my cherished memories. Check it out. [he clicks a picture it shows Lynn and Lincoln in the bathtub with his whale and duck toys] Here's me and Lynn in the bathtub. [shows the next picture that Lori feeds Lincoln his first ice cream] Lori feeding me my first ice-cream. [the next shows a young Laney smearing paint on the wall] Laney's first painting. [The next picture shows his first mechanical pony ride with Luan and Lucy] My first mechanical pony ride and now, my first mustache hair. [It shows an error saying "'Lincoln Library' full. Make room for new file? He clicks yes, which causes the memories to go into the trash] Whoa! Where you going? [Lincoln starts to gasp] No,no,no,no,no! [He clicks the mouse faster then he slams the keyboard] Sto-o-op! [The images keep getting deleted] Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

[When the files are all gone, Lincoln clicks the trash icon, which is where all his pictures went. However, the memories weren't in there either.]

Lincoln: [Gasps] All my childhood memories are gone!

Clyde: Don't worry, buddy. This happened to me once, but I got them all back. My dads saved them in the cloud.

[In the kitchen, Lynn. Sr is making lasagna]

Lynn. Sr: What do you think, Charles? More cheese? Less cheese?

[Charles barks]

Lynn. Sr: You're right. [Reveals his face again] Always more cheese.

Lincoln: [shouting] Dad! Do we have the cloud?

Lynn. Sr: Well, Of course we do, Lincoln.

[Lincoln sighs in relief.]

Lynn. Sr: We also have the sky and the sun and the moon...

Lincoln: No, I mean the digital cloud. Where you store stuff from your computer.

Lynn. Sr: Oh. That cloud! No.

[Lincoln starts to whimper then he puts his head on the couch]

Lincoln: [crying] I can't believe it. All my childhood memories gone forever.

Clyde: Let it out, buddy. Dr. Lopez says the first step to healing is to honor your feelings.

[Suddenly, Charles runs out of the kitchen with the tray of lasagna in his mouth whilst Lynn. Sr chases him]

Lynn. Sr: No, no, no, no! Charles! Bad! [Charles starts eating the lasagna] I hate Mondays. [sighs] Guess I'll just have to remake it.

Lincoln: [suddenly excited] Remake it? Clyde, that's the answer!

Clyde: Good idea. Helping your dad with his lasagna might take your mind off your loss. That's the second step to healing.

Lincoln: No! I mean we'll remake the photos.

Clyde: Hmm. Denial. There's actually a step backwards but I'm in.

[Lincoln and Clyde go on stairs to the second floor in the hallway]

Lincoln: [shouting] Guys! Hallway meeting!

[The sisters come out of their rooms]

Lynn: [doing lunges] Hoho, this better be good. I was in the middle of my lunges.

Lincoln: [excited] Oh, it's better than good. Who wants to have a really fun day recreating some classic family photos?!

[The sisters, uninterested return to their rooms.]

Lola: Uh, hard pass.

Luna: Sorry, dude. We're all headed to the mall. Big sale on studded chokers.

Lucy: And coffin linings.

Lana: And dual flush toilets. [Laney steps up to Lincoln]

Laney: I would love to help recreate memories with you, Lincoln. [holds up a camera] I got my camera right here!

Lincoln: Thanks, Laney. But two Louds aren't going to cut it. We need a plan B.

Clyde: [putting Lana's hat on his head, putting pigtails in his hair, and marking out his front tooth] Or do we need plan C? Get it? The C is for Clyde.

Lincoln: I get it and I like it. But wait. Do you really think you can play all my sisters?

Clyde: Pssh. My dads and I have been doing Friday Night scene study for years. I once played all the orphans in "Annie". Ever heard of it? [imitates Lana] Now give me my plunger!

Lincoln: Wow! You have more layers than my dad's lasagna.

[Lincoln is making a list of photos to recreate]

Lincoln: OK, first shot. Me and Lynn in the tub. [gives film to Laney] And this time we're not taking any chances. I'm gonna use film and print hard copies. [Laney puts the film in the camera]

Clyde: [in red swimsuit and wig as he imitates Lynn] Whatever, nerd. Who uses film anymore? [throwing baseball] Think fast!

Lincoln: [hit by baseball] Oof! [catches camera] Clyde, what gives?

Clyde: Sorry, Lincoln. Just getting into character. It's an actor thing.

Lincoln: [puts his bath robe in the towel rack] Okay. [checks the light by using the temperate] Light's good. [touches the tub water with his finger] Water's good. [throws a rubber duckie] Props are ready. [Laney pressed the timer button from camera] Is the timer set, Laney?

Laney: Got it.

Lincoln: Alright. You've been here long enough to know how the pictures went. So what can you tell us about this?

Laney: Well, Lynn had one gapped tooth on her right side. [Clyde uses a marker and marks one of his right teeth]

Clyde: Anything else?

Laney: Just one. She wasn't wearing anything in the tub. [Offscreen, Clyde took off his bathing suit] Perfect! [Lincoln gets into the bath tub, fixes his diaper, him and Clyde smiles at the camera]

Clyde: [farts in the bath tub] Submarine destroyer!

Lincoln: Aw man, you farted?

Clyde: It felt right and I went with it.

[suspenseful music plays then the bubble pops on Lincoln, camera flashes]

Lincoln: Next up: Lori feeding me my first ice cream. [checks the chair's height] Chair is at optimal height. [puts spoon in the ice cream] Ice cream is mint chocolate chip. [adjusts diaper] Diaper is snug but not restrictive. [gets in the highchair] Clyde! I'm ready for you on set! [Clyde doesn't show up] Clyde? [to the viewers] Pfft. Actors.

[Lincoln tries to get out of the chair, but it topples over with him in it. Clyde runs in dressed as Lori and picks him up back into position]

Clyde: Sorry. I was just, uh...doing some character work.

[Flashback to Clyde dressing up as Lori and putting on his makeup]

Clyde: [acting to his reflection] Sorry, Bobby. It's literally over. I'm in love with Clyde.

[Laney sets the timer]

Lincoln: Well, it worked, 'cause you look just like Lori.

Clyde: Really? [looks at himself on the bottom of a skillet] L-L-L-Lori? [nosebleeds on the ice cream and faints; camera flashes. Laney sighs]

Laney: Okay, that was a mistake. We've forgotten how Clyde reacts around Lori. What's next?

Lincoln: My first mechanical pony ride with Lucy and Luan.

[Lincoln is dressed like a cowboy and Clyde is dressed like Luan]

Clyde: [disappointed] I could have played both roles. You didn't have to hire an amateur.

[Rusty arrives wearing a Lucy outfit]

Rusty: Wassup, playas? [puts on Lucy wig and strikes rock poses] Lucy Loud is in the house!

Clyde: Rusty, a little acting tip: Lucy would never say that.

Rusty: You just worry about your Lola.

Laney: Okay, Rusty. I'm gonna want you to wear this. [holds up a diaper]

Rusty: Aw, now way! I'm pretty sure Lucy wouldn't wear this!

Laney: She would if she was a baby! Now come on! Everything's got to be completely accurate. [Puts Clyde on a dress young Luan wore, Rusty puts on the diaper]

Clyde: I'm Luan! Did you at all prepare for this?

Lincoln: [annoyed] Guys, let's just get the shot.

[Laney sets the camera ready to shoot]

Laney: Ready! [Lincoln puts the quarter in the coin slot; the ride starts and then goes haywire and bucks them all off into shopping carts as the camera flashes]

Clyde: Wow! That's really putting the cart before the horse! [laughs] Get it? [Laney smacks herself in the head in frustration]

[Lincoln, Laney, and Clyde knock on Mr. Grouse's door and he answers]

Mr. Grouse: What is it, Loud?

Lincoln: Hey, Mr. Grouse. We're taking a photo and we really need someone to play Santa.

[Beat]

Mr. Grouse: Hard pass.

[As he closes the door, Lincoln puts his foot in it to stop him]

Lincoln: What if I can make it worth your while?

[Laney was decorating the living room for Christmas and Mr. Grouse is dressed as Santa and eating up Lynn Sr.'s lasagna]

Mr. Grouse: I'm not a fan of playing dress-up, but I do love your dad's lasagna.

Lincoln: [notices the tray's contents are gone] Okay, I did not think you'd eat the whole tray, but I'm sure we can find something else for dinner. We're burning daylight, people! Where's my elf?

[Clyde is dressed as an elf pretending to work on a toy train]

Clyde: One sec, Lincoln. Just have to finish this train. [smashes the toy hammer on his thumb] OW! [sucks on it]

Laney: How can that even hurt you!? Come on! [pushes him next to the chair with Mr. Grouse sleeping in it] Out of there. [She removes Clyde's thumb from his mouth; to Mr. Grouse] Wake up! [snaps her fingers]

Mr. Grouse: Wha? Huh?

Laney: Clyde, you stand here. Lincoln, you sit here! [Puts Lincoln on Mr. Grouse's lap]

[She runs up to the camera, ready to shoot. When Mr. Grouse belched from the lasagna, making Lincoln kneel over and land on Clyde's foot]

Clyde: OW! [gets tangled in the Christmas lights, causing the tree to get tossed in the air; camera flashes]

[At the photo hut, Lincoln, Laney, and Clyde have just gotten the photos developed]

Lincoln: Okay, Clyde, moment of truth. Let's see how our first roll came out.

[The first photo shows Lincoln disgustedly getting out of the tub after Clyde farted. The second photo shows Clyde passionately fainting from his Lori costume and the blood-covered ice cream about to spill onto Lincoln. The third photo shows them and Rusty about to land in the carts after the pony ride bucked them off. The fourth photo shows them and Mr. Grouse crushed under the Christmas tree]

Lincoln, Laney, and Clyde: These...are...

Lincoln and Clyde: AWESOME!

Laney: HORRIBLE!

Lincoln: Wait, what do you mean?

Laney: These look nothing like our memories! Not even close to accurate! We have to try this again! What's the next scene?

Lincoln: It's my seventh birthday.

Clyde: Great! Will it require an accent? Do I need to gain weight?

Lincoln: Thank you, Clyde, but that won't be necessary.

Clyde: I also do my own stunts. [lunges off a fire hydrant and goes screaming and plummeting down a manhole]

[The backyard. Lincoln and Clyde are inflating a bounce house with their breath]

Lincoln: [exhausted] So glad we still have this thing.

Clyde: [exhausted as well] Wish you still had the pump, though. [breathes in one more time and passes out]

Laney: No! No! No! He didn't have a bounce house! He had a lucha livre party!

Lincoln: Come on, Clyde. We need to redress the set. [deflates the bounce house]

Clyde: [limping] I think I need to go lie down for a minute...in Lori's bed.

[Lincoln grabs his arm and drags him with him. Now the set is made to look like a lucha libre match with Clyde dressed as Lunatic Lynn]

Laney: Okay. If I remember the photo right, Lincoln was on the ground and Lynn was leaping on top of him.

Clyde: Cool. Just give me a second to get back into Lynn's character. [stretches and grunts] Okay, good to go!

[Laney sets up the camera and Loco Lincoln and lays on the mat; Clyde gets on a turnbuckle]

Clyde: Lunatic Lynn off the third turnbuckle! [leaps off] AIEEEEEEE!

[Lincoln gasps and gets up]

Lincoln: Wait a minute. [Clyde lands on the mat with a thud and Lincoln takes off his mask] It wasn't lucha libre. It was circus themed!

Clyde: [in agony] I'll get my clown shoes...

[Now the set is circus themed with Clyde dressed as a clown on a unicycle]

Lincoln: Wait. It wasn't a clown. It was a lion tamer.

[Clyde loses his balance on his unicycle and falls into Mr. Grouse's yard]

Mr. Grouse: OUT OF MY- [belches] -YARD!

[Now Clyde is dressed like a lion tamer and Cliff is wearing a fake lion's mane]

Lincoln: Wait. It wasn't a lion tamer. It was a contortionist.

[Cliff attacks Clyde; Clyde is now contorting his body]

Lincoln: No, it wasn't a contortionist. It was a guy shot out of a cannon.

[Clyde rolls off in his contorted state and thuds; now he's in a cannon wearing a jumpsuit]

Lincoln: Wait a minute.

Clyde: [worried] Oh, no. Are you changing your mind? 'Cause if you're changing your mind, you should definitely get me out of- [gets fired out of the cannon] -HEEEEEEEERE!

Lincoln: [too deep in thought] What did we do at that party? [gets Clyde down out of the tree he landed in] Sorry to put you through that, buddy.

Clyde: That's okay, Lincoln. It was nothing compared to the roof tumble I took during "Fiddler" last Fright Family Theater Night.

Lincoln: [panicking] We got a problem, guys! My memories are starting to slip away!

Laney: Well, I still know them all by heart! And we're gonna do them all exactly like before! Now let's go! [Pushes Lincoln and Clyde]

Clyde: Is your sister always like this, Lincoln?

Lincoln: No, she's really on the edge today.

[A montage begins with Laney, Lincoln, and Clyde speeding through the remaining photos. First, they recreate the time he and Luan made a sandcastle at the beach by using the sandbox as the beach. Then they recreate the time he and Lana made a snowman together by using garbage bags as snow. Next, they recreate Lynn Sr. teaching Lincoln to ride his first bike with Clyde having his back turned as if it were the first season. Then, they recreate the time he and Lynn went on an Easter egg hunt. Next, they recreate the time Rita saw Lincoln first use the potty. Then, they recreate the time he went trick-or-treating with Lucy; Lincoln went as Ace Savvy and Lucy went as a vampire. Then, they recreate the first time Lori pushed Lincoln on the swing. Next, they recreate the time Leni gave him his first haircut. Then, they recreate the first jam session he and Luna had. Finally, they recreate the time Lincoln first bottle-fed Lisa when she was still a baby. Then the first time he first bottle-fed Lola when she was one. And then the first time Rita first bottle-fed him when he was one. Each time, Lincoln makes a nervous smile to the camera as it flashes. And Laney gets more and more frustrated]

[Soon, Laney, Lincoln, and Clyde are passed out on the ground from all those photos they took]

[Soon, Lincoln and Clyde are passed out on the ground from all those photos they took]

Sisters: LINCOLN!

Lori: What are you doing with all our stuff?

Lola: [notices and gasps] That tiara is never supposed to touch the ground!

Lincoln: Ladies, don't worry. I'm going to put everything back, right after I develop this- [opens the camera only to discover there's no film in it; devastated] NOOOOOOOOOO! I can't believe I forgot to load the film.

Laney: You mean all this time, you didn't put in the darn film?! [Lincoln faints] Lincoln?...

Lincoln: [comes to later, babbling] Potty...sandbox...lion tamer...lasagna...

Lola: [slaps him] Lincoln! Snap out of it! You're babbling!

Lucy: Are you okay? Clyde and Laney told us what you were trying to do.

Lisa: Then he caught a glimpse of Lori and lost consciousness.

Clyde: [still unconscious] L-L-L-L...

Leni: [fanning him] Don't say her name so loud.

Laney: It's all my fault, Lincoln. I pushed you and Clyde too hard. I was so determined to help recreate your memories since I know them all by heart and I turned into a control freak. I'm sorry for the way I acted.

Lana: And we're sorry you lost all your photos. Do you want us to help you recreate them?

Luan: Yeah. I shutter to think what you're going through. [laughs to Lori] Get it?

Lincoln: [sighs] Thanks anyway, guys, but it's useless. My childhood memories are already gone. I can't even remember what happened at my seventh birthday party.

Lori: I can. You had a magician.

[Flashback to the party where Lincoln pulls a rabbit of the magician's hat]

Lori: You literally freaked out about his rabbit.

[Seven-year-old Lincoln freaks out and the rabbit runs away and Charles chase it; this causes the cake to go flying and hit Lincoln; end flashback with all his sisters laughing in reality]

Lincoln: I can't believe you remember that.

Luna: Dudes, remember what happened at Lincoln's sixth birthday party?

Luan: [laughs] At the bowling alley? I'll never forget that!

[Flashback to the bowling alley party with six-year-old Lincoln careening down the lane with the ball still stuck to his fingers and hitting the pins while getting stuck at the end of the lane; end flashback with more sisterly laughter]

Lynn: [nudges Lincoln playfully] That was the only strike you ever got, lame-o!

Leni: [still fanning the unconscious Clyde] Do you guys remember that time when Lincoln deleted all of his photos off the computer? [laughs]

Lola: Uh, that was this morning.

Leni: [laughs again] I know! Remember?

Luan: Yeah. What about the time Lincoln got into Mom's cosmetics?

[Flashback to baby Lincoln playing with Rita's makeup and getting it on his face; end flashback]

Luan: Now, there's a story you couldn't makeup! [laughs as her sisters groan]

Laney: Well, what I think is the most memorable was when I made my first painting. [cut to flashback]

Laney flashed back to when she was a baby, Lincoln was helping her parents paint the new room for Lisa, the upcoming baby. When Laney crawled out of her room and noticed the can of brown paint and she started to dip her hand and smeared all over the wall.

[Baby Laney giggled, Lincoln noticed her and smiled]

Lincoln: Wow, you're quite the artist aren't ya? [Laney giggles] Well, here. [gives her a paintbrush] This should get you started. [Laney flicked the brush around the wall, and she and Lincoln laughed] Come on, now. Let's get you cleaned up. [Grabs Laney and head to the bathroom to wash the paint off her; end flashback. Laney holds up the same paintbrush Lincoln gave her]

Laney: [To Lincoln] You're the one that inspired me to express more of myself everyday.

Siblings: Awww.

Lincoln: [Hugs Laney] Thanks, Laney.

Lynn: Ooh! And the time he spent all day on his bike trying to catch the end of the rainbow?

Lori: Or the time he wore his Blarney the Dinosaur costume every day for a week.

Lynn: Ooh! How about how he got his chipped tooth?

[They all laugh and continue sharing fond memories of Lincoln's past]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Turns out I have nothing to worry about. With all my sisters, it's like having the Lincoln Library times eleven. I'm pretty sure whatever happened in my life, they'll help me remember it.

Lori: How about that time Lincoln tried to climb the shelves to get cookies?

[Flashback to that time with Lincoln on the shelves; he slips and gets his pants caught on the door handle; end flashback]

Lincoln: [uneasy] That one I'd rather forget.

[The girls continue laughing and Lincoln eventually joins in with them. They all gather together to share a tender hug. Clyde finally comes to, notices the precious moment, and captures it with his phone's camera]

[The photo Clyde took is now uploaded into the Lincoln Library]

Lincoln: Perfect start to the new Lincoln Library. Now with cloud backup.

Lori: [off-screen and angry] WHO USED ALL MY LIPSTICK?!

[Clyde smiles guiltily]

 **PS: I've finally figured out that Laney has a creative personality! Just lettin' you guys know for some of ya who's been pondering that a few chapters ago. Welp! See ya next weekend!**


	46. No Such Luck

**No Such Luck**

One saturday moring at the Loud house, Laney couldn't wait for her family activity. She was heading for her first ballerina concert and she's been practicing for months.

[Laney is seen practacing her plié]

In this family, everyone's got to be there to support each other's activities. Unfortunately, there was one sibling who didn't think so.

[Laney then bumps into Lincoln]

Lincoln: Oof!

Laney: Oh, sorry, Lincoln. I-

Lincoln: Shh!

Laney: What?

Lincoln: [whispering] I'm hiding from my sisters.

Laney: Why?

Lincoln: Don't take this the wrong way, Lanes. But all these activites are getting in the way of my me time. [Cut to a calendar of Lincoln's calendar getting filled up with his sisters' faces indicating an event for them specifically] With eleven of you guys, my calendar's booked everyday with stuff. I'm supposed to go to rodeos, pageants, open mic nights...once in a while, a guy just needs some time to himself.

Laney: But Lincoln, we're family. We gotta be there to support each other's plans. Speaking of, you are coming to my ballerina concert this friday right? [Lincoln walks upstairs; disappointed] Oh...

[Suddenly, Lynn pops up in front of Lincoln just as he was heading to his room]

Lynn: Hey, Lincoln! You're coming to my softball game today, right?

Lincoln: Dang it. Should've done a head count. [to Lynn] Actually, Lynn, I've got some important business to attend to. Like Ace Savvy VS the Card Shark. [holds out comic]

Lynn: Lame. My team has won our last six games, and you're the only member of this family who hasn't come out to support me.

Lincoln: That's because I was support six other sisters at their things. Sorry, Lynn, I just can't do it today.

Lynn: [holding her bat threateningly] Sure you won't reconsider?

[Lincoln acquiesces and is at the game with his family and Bobby in the bleachers. The mascot comes out onto the field and does a somersault]

Mascot: LET'S DO THIS!

Baseball Announcer: Well, it's a beautiful day at the park. Isn't it, Pep?

Pep: [unenthusiastic] Oh, sure it is.

Baseball Announcer: It's the bottom of the ninth with the Royal Woods Squirrels up 3-nothing. Could this be another shutout for star pitcher Lynn Loud?

[The crowd cheers for Lynn. Lynn waves to the people and her family and they all root for her. She then starts doing some things to prepare for her pitch. She lifts her leg, turns her cap, tosses some dirt over her shoulder, and pats her right cheek.]

Baseball Announcer: Loud is performing her signature good luck rituals.

Lynn: [doing a Cossack dance] Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut!

Baseball Announcer: Hey, Pep, you believe there's anything to these kinds of superstitions?

Pep: [not caring] I don't know.

Baseball Announcer: Well, here's the windup and the pitch.

[Lynn winds up and pitches, but the opposing batter slams it out of the park]

Baseball Announcer: Ooh! Looks like the softball gods did not love that Cossack dance.

[Soon enough, the Daisy Hill Daisies hit the ball each time, thus beating the Squirrels]

Baseball Announcer: Hated that Cossack dance.

[The crowd boos and the mascot looks on with grief]

Luna: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SIS!

[After the game, Laney walks with Lynn, who is felling down]

Laney: It's okay, Lynn. People loses these kind of games all the time.

Lynn: But I never lose! That dance should've worked! I don't understand what went wrong...

Lincoln: Hey, sis. I'm really sorry you lost.

[Lynn yelps and hides behind a dumpster]

Lincoln: Hey.

Lynn: [holding a rotten banana peel] Stay back! You're bad luck! [tosses the peel at Lincoln]

Lincoln: What are you talking about?

Laney: Lynn, don't be ridiculous. What makes you think Lincoln's bad luck?

Lynn: My team has been dominating all season, then the one time he shows up, we lose!

Lincoln: That's ridiculous. I'm not bad luck.

Lynn: Yeah-huh, you are! Which is why I'm banning you from all future games. Now scram! I have to make things right with the softball gods. [does her Cossack dance again] Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut!

Laney: Sorry about that, Lincoln. Lynn can be rather superstitous with these kind of things.

[Later, back at the Loud house. Laney continued to work on her moves for her concert, While Lincoln was eating more cereal in the dining room]

Leni: [with her hair all curled] Lincoln! Are you coming to my charity fashion show? It's for a great cause: oysters without pearls.

Lynn: [paranoid] Leni! No! He'll ruin your fashion show just like he ruined my winning streak! HE'S BAD LUCK!

Laney: Don't listen to her, Leni. Lincoln's not bad luck. [To Lincoln] Tell them!

Lincoln: Yeah, Lynn. That is absolutely... [gets an idea] ...true.

Laney: See, Lincoln's definitely... WHAT!?

Lincoln: [to the viewers] I think I may be onto something here. [to Leni] Leni, I'd love to go to your fashion show, but I'd hate for my bad luck to make you trip, or jam a zipper, or break a heel...

Leni: [gasps] The horror! Maybe you should sit this one out.

Lincoln: I'll be there in spirit. [Laney scowls and walks up to him but Leni stops her]

Leni: Laney! No! He might make you break a heel. [Laney groans]

[Later, Lincoln was watching TV]

Announcer: Next on ARRGH!... [Just then, Laney stomps up to him]

Laney: Lincoln! What was that all that about?

Lincoln: Relax, Laney. All part of my plan, by making my sisters believe I'm unlucky I'm finally getting the free time I need! Play along and I'll get you all the pirouette time you need.

Laney: No, I will not play along! The sooner I tell everyone you're lying, the sooner this will all blow over!

[Lana then pounces Lincoln and hogties him]

Lana: Hey, Linc, you coming to my alligator-wrestling match?

Leni: [pulls Lana away from Lincoln; paranoid] Don't invite Lincoln! He could make your alligator trip, or jam its zipper, or break a heel!

Lana: [confused] What?

Leni: He's bad luck.

Laney: Oh come on, girls! Does he look like bad luck to you?

[Leni and Lana turn to Lincoln]

Lincoln: [feigning] I can't deny it.

Lana: Uh...maybe you shouldn't come after all. I'm wrestlin' my first 200-pounder, and I can't take any chances. [pats his foot]

Laney: Ugh! This is getting ridicuclous! [She walks up to Lincoln, but Lana picks her up and carries her off]

Lana: Woah, girl! Let's back it up! Don't want anything to happen to ya. [Laney glares at Lincoln as she was carried off]

[Now Lincoln is talking to Lola who's spraying her hair in a beehive]

Lincoln: Sure, Lola. I'll come to your pageant. I just hope my bad luck doesn't make your hair go flat.

Lola: [gasps and sprays Lincoln away] GET AWAY FROM ME!

[Lincoln is talking to Luan in her clown outfit]

Lincoln: I'd love to attend your performance. I'm just afraid my bad luck might cause a clown car collision.

Luan: [gasps] That would put a dent in things! [laughs] Get it? But seriously, don't come.

[Lincoln leaves and is now talking to Lily]

Lincoln: Oh, Lily, I sure would like to come to your play date, but I'd hate for my bad luck to cause a boo-boo.

[Lily blows a raspberry at Lincoln. He then comes across Lisa and Laney]

Lisa: [scoffing] Pshaw. There's no such thing as bad luck. There's only science. All else is hooey.

Laney: See? Lisa's smart enough to know that all superstition is to quote: "hooey".

[Enter Lori with her golf clubs]

Lori: They literally have a point. You're coming to my tournament, Lincoln. This family supports each other. [Laney nods in agreement]

Lincoln: You're right. I'm being silly. Let me get those for ya. [takes Lori's clubs and pretends to trip] Whoa whoa whoa! [trips over in the bathroom with a lot of clanging going on; comes out with a club dented] Whoops!

Lori: [gasps] My sand wedge! You are bad luck! You are literally uninvited to my tournament.

Lisa: I retract my earlier statement. BACK, YE CURSED WRETCH! And don't even think about attending my lecture series on thermodynamics!

Laney: Et tu, Lisa? Look! He's just lying to get out of all our plans! And I'll prove it! [Laney walks up to Lincoln but Lori holds her back]

Lori: No, Laney! You don't know what he's capable of!

Lisa: Indeed! [Presses a button and a bubble popped up] Here! This protective bubble should suffice as protection against Lincoln's foul hex! [a hatch opens up from the bubble and Lori throws Laney inside and she and Lisa ran off. Laney's face soon turned red in anger against Lincoln]

[The sisters and parents are leaving the house to attend the big outings]

Lana: Come on, guys. It's time for my gator-wrestling match.

[As soon as they're in the van, Lincoln is elated]

Lincoln: [gleefully sarcastic] So sorry to miss it all. [suddenly comes out sliding like in a famous movie scene and starts dancing] Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky! Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky! [reading his comic in his underwear everywhere in the house] Tough break, Card Shark. Looks like Ace Savvy just called your bluff! [drinks milk from the carton and belches; pushes all of his sisters' activities off his calendar] I gotta say, being bad luck turned out to be pretty good.

[The next day, Lincoln's breakfast is out on the coffee table in the living room]

Lincoln: What the? Why is my breakfast on the coffee table?

Rita: Oh, sorry, sweetheart, but would you mind eating breakfast in the living room today?

Lynn Sr.: I've got a big presentation and your mother's got back-to-back root canal patients. We-we can't risk your bad luck spreading to us.

[Lincoln pours his cereal and turns on the game console]

Lincoln: Just another perk of the bad luck life. Now I can play video games while I eat. [Laney then walks over to Lynn Sr. wearing a pink tutu]

Laney: Dad. Where's Lincoln? I need him to help me with my ballet practice.

Lynn Sr.: Laney! Are you nuts?! What if you sprain your ankle? Or break your back? Or get your ribbon get tangled with your hair?! [Puts his hand on Laney's shoulders] Sweetie, we care about you too much to be around that walking bad luck charm!

Laney: Seriously? You too? [Lincoln could only shrug at the conversation as he continue to play his game]

[Later that night, the family is getting ready to see a movie]

Rita: Come on, kids! The movie starts in half an hour!

[The girls come down super excited to see it]

Lincoln: Dibs on holding the popcorn!

[Lynn screams and leaps out of the house in fear]

Lynn Sr.: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast, son. I wish you could come, but with your bad luck, who knows what could go wrong?

Lola: The movie could sell out!

Luna: I could get stuck behind some lady with a beehive!

Lisa: Someone could get scalded with molten butter!

Lynn Sr.: [gasps] I didn't even think of that one! Sorry, kiddo.

Lincoln: Oh...no problem. You guys have fun.

Leni: Don't worry. I'll tell you how the movie ends.

[Everyone leaves Lincoln home alone]

Lincoln: Eh, what's missing one movie when it means having more awesome me time?

[He then starts getting bored and lonely]

Lincoln: [dancing miserably] Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky. Who's unlucky. I'm unlucky. [reading another comic in his underwear in the same spots from before] Take that, Wild Card Willy. Ace Savvy just dealt you some justice.

[He checks the milk carton and then puts it back; adds another Lincoln face on his calendar. Just then, he heard a knock at the door, he opens it revealing Laney]

Lincoln: Laney? What are you doing back early?

Laney: I never left, Lincoln. I couldn't stand you living this lie. You made everyone think you're bad luck and now your being shut off by your own family! Don't you feel the slighest bad for all this? [Lincoln then hears the rest of his family coming home and chatting about how much they enjoyed the movie and sighs]

[Later, as he gets ready for bed, he notices that there's something wrong with his door which is now boarded up and bound with hazard tape, and there's a note on it]

Lincoln: [reading note] " **Sorry, Lincoln, but you can't sleep here tonight. We can't just risk it"**? Are you kidding me?

Sisters: NO! [slam their doors shut]

[Lincoln goes outside to Charles' doghouse]

Lincoln: Hey, buddy, think I could bunk here for the night? [Charles growls at him] You too, Charles? [sighs] Fine, I'll go over to Clyde's.

[He walks to Clyde's house. The next day, Lincoln walks over to the back door only to find it locked]

Lincoln: Guys? I think you accidentally locked me out!

[His breakfast is shoved through the doggy door and he peeks through the window on the door]

Rita: Kids, we've got a special treat for you! Since your father's presentation went so well...

Lynn Sr.: And your mother's root canals, too...

Rita: ...we thought we'd celebrate with a trip to the beach tomorrow.

[Everyone except Laney cheered at the news and and Lincoln pops his head through the doggy door]

Lincoln: We're going to the beach tomorrow?

Lynn Sr.: Ooh, gosh. Sorry, son. Not you. Someone could get attacked by a shark.

Lynn: Or caught in a riptide.

Luna: Or stung by a jellyfish.

Lana: [gasps] If that happens, I call peeing on the wound!

Lincoln: [dejected] Come on, you guys! Be reasonable!

Lola: You're bad luck, Lincoln! You can't come! [closes the doggy door on him, Laney looks on with remorse]

Laney: That's it. This ends now. [walks over to the door]

Lynn Sr.: Laney, what are you doing?

Laney: I'm going to straighten Lincoln out.

Lola: Laney, no! Don't do this!

Lori: Think about your safety! Think about us! [everyone yelled at Laney to not go through with this, she ignored them as she opens the door and walks out to Lincoln. Lincoln looks up to her]

Lincoln: I guess I brought this on myself. [In the kitchen, the rest of the family looks on from the window as Laney confronts Lincoln]

Lana: Check it out. Laney's standin' in front of Lincoln and she's not getting a scratch.

Luan: How can this be? [Lynn suddenly realizes something]

Lynn: Of course! How can I not see how wrong I was... Laney's bad luck too! [everyone gasps in horror and closes the curtains]

Laney: Great! Now they all think I'm bad luck! I hope your happy, Lincoln.

Lincoln: [sighs] I'm not. This is all my fault. I have to fix this!

[Lincoln approaches the front yard with a megaphone]

Lincoln: [into megaphone] ATTENTION, LOUD FAMILY! [hears the feedback hiss and fixes it; back into it] I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE!

[His family pop up to a window to hear his confession]

Lincoln: CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, I AM NOT BAD LUCK. AND NEITHER IS LANEY. I JUST LET YOU GUYS BELIEVE THAT SO I COULD GET OUT OF GOING TO YOUR STUFF. IT WAS A REALLY SELFISH THING TO DO. WE ALL NEED TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER. I'M REALLY SORRY.

Mr. Grouse: Nice confession, Loud!

Lynn: If you're not bad luck, then how come after I banned you, my team won our doubleheader, and now, we're going to the playoffs? Huh?

Mr. Grouse: She's got you there, Loud!

Lincoln: COULD YOU PLEASE JUST GO BACK INSIDE?

[Everyone clamors in agreement with Lynn]

Lynn Sr.: Sorry, buddy!

Rita: Sorry, honey!

Lynn Sr.: We'll write!

Leni: Lynn's right, you're both bad luck!

Lynn Sr.: Step farther away from the house!

[The family closes the curtains thus ending the conversation]

Laney: Now see all the trouble you've caused?

Lincoln: You're right, Laney. I shouldn't have lied. How can I make them stop believing me. [Laney thinks for a while and gets an idea]

Laney: That's it! If they all think we're bad luck. We just got to convince them we're GOOD luck!

Lincoln: But how exactly are we gonna do that?

Laney: Luckily, I always pack some good luck charms in case of a superstitious sister. [Holds up a briefcase full of lucky charms and starts putting on a necklace with a four-leaf clover, a rabbit's foot, and a penny. Then she puts on a green hat] I'll just wear all these at the game and this rotten rumor will come to an end.

Lincoln: For you, maybe. But what about me? [shakes some more acorns out of his pants] Dang squirrel! [realizes] Squirrel. Hmm...

[The softball playoffs. The family and Bobby are there to support Lynn. The squirrel mascot is dancing a little less energetic than usual]

Lola: What's with that squirrel today? His choreography is so dated.

Mascot: [in a familiar voice] Hey, man! You try dancing in this heat!

[It's revealed to be Lincoln in the runabout costume]

Lincoln: My plan is simple: I watch the game in disguise, and when the Squirrels win, everyone will see I'm not bad luck.

[At the bleachers Laney walks up to her family with her charms]

Laney: Hey, family. [the family screams and backs away at the sight of her]

Lola: Laney!? Waht are you doing here?! You've brought doom to us all!

Laney: I don't think so. See what I'm wearing? [gestures to all the lucky charms she's currently wearing]

Luna: She's right, brahs. Look at all those charms.

Leni: And I didn't break my heel.

Lisa: Perhaps it's possible that we were to early to jump to conclusions when Lynn said both Lincoln and Laney are bad luck.

Lola: Maybe... [To Laney] But if you cause Lynn the game it will be on your head!

 **FIVE MINUTES LATER**

Baseball Announcer: Talk about bad luck. Everything is going wrong with the Squirrels today. What do you think, Pep?

Pep: [downright bored] I think I've wasted my life.

Baseball Announcer: Just look at our poor squirrels!

[Margo takes a swing and flings herself into the umpire and the bat hits her helmet. Two more squirrels collide into each other and miss the catch. One Squirrel tosses the bat right at Lincoln by accident. Lynn pitches and the opposing batter hits the ball right back her, knocking her socks, shoes, and hat off and making her spin in mid-air before landing on the ground]

Baseball Announcer: Yowza. [shows the score: Hazeltuck Lions: 3, Royal Woods Squirrels: nothing] Two outs in the bottom of the ninth, and the bases are loaded. Lynn Loud steps up to the plate, but with the luck she's been having today, the Squirrels are looking a whole lot like roadkill.

Luna: Way harsh, dude!

Baseball Announcer: I think you're rubbing off on me, Pep.

Pep: [dully] Oh, I have that effect on people.

Baseball Announcer: The windup, the pitch.

[Lynn swings and misses]

Umpire: Strike one!

Lincoln: [scared] Lynn's right. I am bad luck.

Laney: Oh no...

Lola: HA! I knew it!

[Lynn swings and misses again]

Umpire: Strike two!

Lincoln: Maybe I can move into Lisa's fallout shelter. Lead walls will keep my bad luck from affecting anyone.

Baseball Announcer: And the pitch!

[The sound of the ball getting hit by the bat is heard and the rest of Lynn's team runs the remaining bases]

Baseball Announcer: It's going...it's going...IT'S GONE! LYNN LOUD HITS A GRAND SLAM! SQUIRRELS WIN! SQUIRRELS WIN!

[The family and Bobby cheer for Lynn as she makes her run around the field]

Baseball Announcer: [clinging to Pep] SQUIRRELS WIN! SQUIRRELS WIN! [knocks Pep down]

[Lynn finishes her run and gets picked up by her family in celebration of her victory]

Family: CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ROCKED IT, LYNN-SANITY!

[Lincoln in disguise joins them]

Lola: [to the mascot] Um, do you mind, fur ball? This is a family moment.

Lincoln: Guys, it's me! [takes the mask off] I was here the whole time! This proves it. I'm not bad luck.

Laney: See! I told you! Lincoln was never unlucky to begin with and neither was I!

Lynn: Wow, guys. I am so sorry.

[The rest of the family apologizes]

Lincoln: Guys, if anyone's sorry it's me. I'm sorry I lied to you all. I get it now, in this family, everyone's got to be there to support each other, at ther own things. I should've respected that more than my things. [walks up to Laney] And Laney, I'm especially sorry I got you involved in all this. You saw through my ruse and tried to prove Lynn wrong. So please, is there anything I could do to make it up to you?

Laney: It's alright Lincoln. You admitting your mistake is enough to- [suddenly gets an idea] On second thought... What day is it today?

Lincoln: Friday. Why?

Laney: [smirks] Perfect...

[Cut to later that night at North Royal Woods elementary school auditorium]

Announcer: And now. North Royal Woods elementary proudly presents: "The Diamond Swan". Peformed by Mrs. Shropshire's class. And led by our very own, Laney Loud! [Curtain pulls up and soon Laney and the rest of her class entered in blue tutu's and started dancing. Her family cheered from the audience]

Lola: [to a random kid] That's my sister up there!

[Just then right behind the dancers, Lincoln was right behind them wearing a tutu himself. Everyone in the audience gasped at this]

Random kid: Is that your brother?

Lola: Nope! Never seen him in my life.

[Laney's class and Lincoln continued their performance. Then they finished off with Laney carrying Lincoln up. And the audience applauded]

Lincoln: [To the viewers] I really gotta learn to keep my big mouth shut...


	47. Frog Wild

**Frog Wild**

[School bell rings]

Mrs. Johnson: Okay, class, tomorrow we're wrapping up our biology studies with a special project. We'll be dissecting... [pulls down a scroll of a frog and its anatomy] ...frogs!

[Her students all exclaim with joy]

Mrs. Johnson: Get ready to jump in! [laughs but gets no reaction; disappointed] Really? No one?

Lincoln: [eager] Dissecting frogs? That sounds-

[Instant segue to Lana and Laney]

Lana and Laney: HORRIBLE!

Laney: Lincoln, why would you do such cruel thing to an innocent creature?

Lana: You can't do that!

Lincoln: They're just frogs, guys. What's the big deal?

Lana: [grabs Lincoln by his hair] We'll show you what the big deal is! [pulls him into her room]

Lincoln: Ow! Ow!

[The door closes and Lana gets out a portable projector]

Lana: Watch this movie we made about Hops. [gives him the projector as Hops lands on her arm and croaks]

[Lincoln cranks the handle on the projector and peeps through the lens]

 **HOPS: A Life in Leaps**

[The film begins with Laney sitting by the pond where Lana was lurking]

Narrator Laney: I was taking Lana to the park one day. She was so eager to play in the pond.

Narrator Lana: I'll never forget the day I met my future best friend.

[Someone squirts Lana and it reveals to be Hops. Lana then squirts him back and they laugh]

[Someone squirts Lana and it reveals to be Hops. Lana then squirts him back and they laugh]

Film Lana: You're the best froggy. Well, I gotta go. Dad's making meatloaf tonight. Thanks for the fun day.

[As she prepares to leave, the little froggy paddles on his lily pad and makes a sad face to Lana]

Film Lana: Aw. You're lonely, aren't ya, little guy? Would you like to come home and live with me?

[Hops nods, leaps and pulls himself into Lana's dungaree pocket]

Film Lana: I'm gonna name you Hops.

Film Hops: [croaks]

Film Laney: [looks around] Lana, where are you? [Lana walks over to her] Oh, there you are. [looks at Hops] Who's your friend? [Hops leaps onto Laney's shoulder]

Film Lana: Aw, Hops likes you. [Hops squirts at Laney and she and Lana laughed]

Narrator Lana: Since that day, we've been pretty inseparable. We eat all our meals together.

[The two are eating a bowl of mud with crickets]

Narrator Lana: Hops likes his crickets chocolate-covered. But I like mine plain.

[They're playing Double Dutch together]

Narrator Lana: We play together. We even get our school photos taken together.

Photographer: [dully] Alright, kid, smile. Three, two, one. Cheese.

[Hops comes out of Lana's pocket and is wearing some dungarees of his own.]

Narrator Laney: I have to admit, I had my differences around him. [Hops leaped over to a sad Laney and cuddled against her] But he kinda helped me through hard times.

[In Lana's room]

Film Lana: Nighty-night, buddy. [kisses him and puts him in his tank]

Film Hops: [croaks]

Narrator Lana: I can't imagine what life would be like without my best friend Hops.

[Hops leaps out of the tank and rests himself next to Lana. Lana winces, notices and smiles as the two of them slumber together.]

 **THE END**

Lincoln: [touched and driven to tears] That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

[Hops grabs a box of tissues with his tongue]

Lana: [handing her brother a tissue who then blows his nose] You see, Lincoln? Frogs are cooler on the outside than they are on the inside. So please, don't dissect them.

Lincoln: I won't. And neither will anyone else.

Laney: What do you mean?

Lincoln: We're going on a rescue mission. [The three sibling puts there hands in]

Lana: Don't forget Hops! [Hops leaps into the group five]

[The next day in Mrs. Johnson's class]

Mrs. Johnson: Alright, class, when we return from lunch, we'll leap into our frog dissecting! [still gets no reaction] Come on, people! I'm giving you comedy gold here!

[The bell rings and the class goes out to lunch. Mrs. Johnson locks the door and as soon as she leaves, Lincoln pops up from the corner and busts out his walkie-talkie]

Lincoln: Laney, where are you? [Laney dashes in]

Laney: Right here, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Great, where's Lana? [Lana pops out from the trash can next to him] Oh, good hiding place.

Lana: What are you talking about? Hops and I were just eating lunch. [belches out an apple core]

Hops: [belches out a peanut shell, Laney is disgusted]

Lincoln: Let's go!

[They move out and Lana breaks out her locksmith equipment and grabs one of her keys to open the door to Mrs. Johnson's room, but it fails]

Lana: We have a problem. It's a surface mounted deadbolt with a tumbler locking mechanism.

Lincoln: In English, please?

Lana: We'll have to find another way in.

Laney: [Points to the vents] Let's try the vents.

[They sneak through the vents and come across a shaft. They open it and Lana ties a rope around her waist while Lincoln adn Laney hold it to lure her down. She dives in with Lincoln straining a bit from the velocity of the leap and Lana lowers herself to find she's actually in the principal's office]

Lincoln: [gasps] Principal Huggins? Wrong room. Wrong room!

[He struggles to pull Lana back up and Hops uses his tongue to pull her up just before Huggins notices]

Lincoln: [exhausted from pulling] Good job, Hops.

[They high-five with Hops' tongue. Soon, they finally find Mrs. Johnson's room under the floor and make it in]

Lana: [to the frogs in the tank] What's up, frog-ays? We're here to rescue you!

Lincoln: [grabs the tank] Let's go!

[Just then, the doorknob is rattling, meaning Mrs. Johnson is coming. The three gulp in fear. Mrs. Johnson enters the room to find the frogs are gone]

Mrs. Johnson: [gasps] My frogs! [runs to the window] PRINCIPAL HUGGINS! PRINCIPAL HUGGINS! [runs out of the room to tell Principal Huggins and closes the door]

[Lincoln and Lana reveal themselves to have been behind her desk instead of having escaped with the frogs]

Lincoln: Whoa. That open window decoy was brilliant.

Lana: What do you think, this is my first animal rescue?

[They then proceed to exit through the window for real]

[They take the frogs to the pond]

Lincoln: Be free, my amphibian friends! Be free!

[Hops croaks to them to go, but they don't understand]

[Lana dumps them out of the tank]

Lana: Good luck, frog-ays! Have a nice life!

[Just as the frogs begin to enjoy their freedom, a flock of birds circles above them]

Lincoln: Uh, you guys might wanna get moving.

[Some turtles rise from the water, preparing to snack on the frogs]

Lana: Seriously, guys, go!

[Some snakes are eying the amphibian appetizers]

Lincoln: Do you wanna be today's lunch special? MOVE! [They don't budge] Why aren't they moving? [Laney grabs the frogs and puts them back in the tank]

Laney: Maybe, they've never been to the wild before.

Lana: [notices a snake trying to eat one of them] HEY, YOU! NOT COOL! [wrestles the snake and saves the frog] Guys, we can't leave them here.

Laney: What do we do?

Lincoln: [gathering them up] You're right. We'll take them home till we can think of a better plan.

[A raccoon arrives with a bib, knife and fork]

Lana: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

[The raccoon runs off in fear]

[They get the frogs to Lola and Lana's room]

Lincoln: They'll be safe here. Come on. We gotta go. Lunch hour's almost up.

[Lana puts Hops on her bed]

Lana: Alright, Hops, you and Laney keep an eye on them till we get back.

Laney: Got it! [Hops salutes as she leaves, Laney looks at the frogs in the tank] Hm, you guys look so cramped in that little tank huh? Here, I'll give you some leg room. [Hops disagrees with Laney and shakes his head] Oh, don't worry, Hops. It will only be for a second. [lets the frogs out of the tank] Now, I wonder if I can find a bigger tank. [a fly buzzes past the frogs, cut to Laney with cardboard box] I couldn't find a tank, but I did find this cardboard box. Perhaps i can fashion an enviroment out if- [sees that all the frogs are gone] Uh oh... [Laney ran downstairs with Hops on her shoulder and sees all the frogs are everywhere] Okay, everyone back upstairs. [Just then Lincoln and Lana entered]

Lana: Hops, how'd the frogs get out?

Laney: I'm so sorry! They were just so cramped in that little tank so I let them out for one second then...

Lincoln: It's alright, Laney. Just help us catch them.

[Lincoln uses a pool skimmer to gather some up and tosses them in the laundry basket with pillows for safe impact. Lana drives Lola's princess car with a snow shovel tied to the height that scoops up any frogs she comes across. Laney uses a vacuum to suck all the frogs hiding in the crawl space in the basement. Some frogs are put back in the tank]

Lana: 10 down, 40 to go.

[Just then, Principal Huggins is pounding at their door]

Principal Huggins: Open up, Loud! Frog inspection!

[Before they open the door, Principal Huggins just barges in]

Principal Huggins: Good afternoon, children. [looks around the living room] Well, I don't see any frogs here. I guess I'll just be on my way. [Lincoln and Lana smile at each other relieved] NOT! [Laney walks up to him]

Laney: Don't be too hasty, Mr... um.

Principal Huggins: Huggins.

Laney: Yes, Huggins. You're our guest here. [pushes Huggins to the living room] Please, allow us to make you right at home. [Huggins stops her]

Principal Huggins: I'll make myself at home, thank you. [As he continues his inspection, Lincoln and Lana notice some frogs nearby while he's not looking. Lincoln yelps in panic and grabs his principal's coat]

Lincoln: Let me take your coat. [tosses it over the frogs out of Huggins' view]

Principal Huggins: [sarcastically] Yes, just put that down anywhere, why don't you?

[He checks under a sofa cushion which has some gross content beneath and under the sofa itself. Lana then spots a frog by the window behind the TV and closes the curtain]

Lana: Uh...I didn't want the glare to hurt your eyeballs, sir.

[Some glass shatters off in the distance]

Principal Huggins: What was that?

Laney: Uh, I got it! [she Lana and Lincoln run off to the kitchen]

[The noise came from the kitchen as the three pick them up and put them in the fridge then Laney hides one in her scarf. They forgot one and Lana grabs it before Huggins enters]

Principal Huggins: You three seem a bit nervous.

Laney: Nervous? Us? No no.

Lana: [muffled with the frog in her mouth] Not at all!

[A fly comes whizzing by and the frog grabs it with its tongue]

Lana: [playing it off] Mmm. Protein. [chuckles]

Laney: [chuckles along] Yeah, she's always likes to eat bugs. It's her thing. [The frog inside Laney's scarf then croaked, Huggins then glared at Laney]

Principal Huggins: Did I just hear a croak?

Laney: Uhm... [tugs her scarf] My throat's feeling kind of froggy. Um, not that there's acutually frog in my throat- Dah! I mean, it's just an expression... [Laney nervously smiles. Huggins looks in the pantry and the oven, and just as he's about to check the fridge, Lincoln squirts him with a hose connected to the sink]

Lincoln: Sorry, sir. You had some schmutz on you. Here, let me get you a towel. [rubs Huggins' face]

[While he can't see, Lana spits the frog out and tosses it onto the ceiling]

Principal Huggins: [ceases Lincoln's rubbing] Stop it! [hears a thud from the distance] Hmm...maybe I'll go check UPSTAIRS!

[They go upstairs and one frog is on the inside of the wall before Lisa and Lily's room. A fly comes by and the frog catches it while hitting Huggins' face in the process. Lincoln grabs it and hides it behind his back before Huggins notices]

Lincoln: [with some viscous substance on his finger] Wet willie! Uh...just trying to lighten the mood.

[They go to the door to Lucy and Lynn's room]

Principal Huggins: What's this room?

Lincoln: That's Lucy and Lynn's bedroom. But I wouldn't go in there. Lucy's kinda spooky.

Principal Huggins: If you think I'm afraid of a little- [opens the door and lets out a stream of Lucy's bats while screaming in horror as they take cover and closes it; terrified] That room looks clear. [pulls himself together and goes to the door to Lori and Leni's room] What's this room?

Lincoln: That's Lori and Leni's bedroom. But I wouldn't go in there. They have a pretty intense security system.

Principal Huggins: I'll take my chances. [grabs the doorknob which sends an electric shock to his entire body; brushes himself off] Well, upstairs looks clear. I need to use your restroom.

[Lana rushes into the restroom and checks the bathroom to find that there are no frogs in in]

Principal Huggins: I usually do this alone.

Lana: Oh, right. Sure. Uh, I'm just gonna...check the toilet. Gotta make sure I didn't leave anything in there. [opens it and finds a frog in there; grabs it before Huggins sees it] You're good to go!

[She leaves the bathroom as Huggins slams it shut. The kids rush downstairs and find two more frogs on the sofa. Lincoln covers them up with the back brace on the sofa. Laney finds three frogs by the TV and hides them from under it. Lana sees some in the fireplace and pulls the easy chair in front of it to hide them just as Huggins arrives downstairs after taking care of his business]

Principal Huggins: Well, it appears your house is frog-free, so I'll be on my way.

Lincoln: Good luck, sir. Keep fighting the good fight.

Laney: I'm sure you'll find that frog thief soon. I would hate for anything to happen to those poor, inncoent... [Lincoln nudges her with her elbow]

Lana: I'll just grab your... [notices the coat is gone] ...coat?

[They look around and find the coat having moved from one spot to another with some lumps under it]

Principal Huggins: I'll grab my own coat.

[grabs it]

[Lincoln, Lana, and Laney gasp and it looks just fine]

Principal Huggins: What is wrong with you three?

Lana: "Nothin'. Drive safe."

[Just as Huggins is about to leave, his coat starts bulging]

Principal Huggins: What the- [starts yelling and shaking and finds the frogs in his coat as they hop away] YOU ARE THE FROG HERO!

[The three sigh in defeat]

[They're gathering up the frogs and putting them back in the tank]

Lana: We're sorry, guys. We failed you.

Lincoln: If only Principal Huggins could see you the way we do.

[Hops grabs the portable projector]

Laney: Maybe he could!

Lincoln: Hops! You beautiful, green, warty genius! Up high, buddy.

[Hops gives Lincoln a high tongue. Principal Huggins is now watching the film and has been moved the way Lincoln has]

Principal Huggins: [crying] That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!

[He and Mrs. Johnson are both crying]

Mrs. Johnson: [in tears] Don't hog it, Huggins! I wanna watch it again! [takes the projector and watches the film again]

Lincoln: See? Frogs are way cooler on the outside.

Principal Huggins: There is no way we're dissecting them. But what are we going to do with all these frogs?

Lincoln: I'm glad you asked.

[Some time later, the frogs now have their own little paradise in the tank]

Lana: We call it the Frog-ay Fortress.

[The kids all gather to observe with fascination]

Female Student: Um, what are those two frogs doing?

Mrs. Johnson: [exclaims in shock and covers the tank with the map of the United States] CLASS DISMISSED!

[Lincoln and Lana are walking home after school]

Lana: I'm sorry Principal Huggins gave you detention.

Lincoln: That's okay. All that matters is that the frogs are safe and things can go back to normal.

[They walk by Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet, come back to it and see a poster advertising a new dish added to their menu]

 **NEW! ROASTED DUCK ENCHILADAS**

Lincoln and Lana: Tonight's special: roasted duck enchiladas?! [Lana and Lincoln look at each other]

Laney: [To the viewers] Well, here we go again.

[The three are seen running off with the restaurant's entire shipment of ducks, trying to set them free and going through their animal saving episode once again]


	48. Party Down

**Party Down**

[The Loud House basement]

Rita: We're off to the movies, honey. Have fun at your party tonight!

Lynn Sr.: Lynn-sanity Sr. brought you some props! Nothing brightens up a party like a lampshade on the head! [He puts a lampshade on his his head and starts dancing, while Rita giggles.] Huh?

Lori: No offense, Dad, but I'm 17. I'm not throwing that kind of party.

[She flips through a magazine and shows a page to her parents.]

Rita: 50 ways to throw a sophisticated party.

Lynn Sr.: Oh, gotcha. So, it's more of a fake vomit affair, huh?

[He pretends to throw up fake vomit, and he and Rita laugh, while Lori looks annoyed.]

Rita: Come on, honey. We don't wanna miss the previews.

[They leave. Lori, Leni and Bobby are about to start decorating, when Lynn Sr. comes back.]

Lynn Sr.: I'd be kicking myself if I didn't at least ask. [spins his propeller] Propeller beanie?! [Lori, Leni and Bobby stare at him] And, I'm out. [leaves]

Lori: Oooookay. Item #1: **Say more with great decor.** Color coordinated coasters, check. Scented candles, check. Confetti- [Notices Bobby spreading the confetti] Bobby, sweetie, you're bunching the confetti. [takes the bag from him] You're supposed to scatter it whimsically, like this.

[She twirls around while scattering. Just then her siblings rush down with their party supplies and cheer.]

Lana and Lola: We brought our bouncers!

Lisa: I've constructed a chocolate fountain! It started out as a nuclear fusion device, but I accidentally dropped my chocolate bar in it.

Lincoln: And I've been working on my party tricks all week! [He takes off his pants and falls down, while his sisters laugh, while Lori looks annoyed] Knee farts!

Laney: I have some dance moves that may make your party really exciting. Watch! [A spotlight shines on Laney and she began to dance like as if she was at a disco dance floor and ends it with a breakdancing spin. Everyone sans Lori applauded for Laney]

Lori: [annoyed] Guys! Sorry, we're not doing any of that. This is going to be a sophisticated party.

Lana: Bor-ing!

Lori: Well, I'm glad you feel that way, because you're not invited. It's just for the older kids.

Lincoln: Yeah, sorry guys. It's just for us.

Lori: Lincoln, put your pants back on. You're not invited either. Just Leni and Luna.

Lincoln: What?! Come on!

Laney: Please let me come, Lori! I've never been to a grown up party before. I'll be awsome there!

Luna: Ooh! Me too! Please, please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeease!

Lori: Fine! But you have to be cool.

Laney: I can be cool!

Luan: Yeah. Cooly noted! [laughs; voicing Mr. Coconuts] Get it?

Lori: Don't make me regret my decision.

[Luan and Mr. Coconuts look at each other shocked]

Later that night, Laney was putting on her best dancing shoes and socks. She was so ainxious to show her moves to the grown ups.

[Lori's friends enter the basement]

Lori: Guys! So glad you could make it!

Dana: [Looks at Laney] Oh, is this one of your sisters?

Laney: Hi! I'm Laney, would you like to see me dance? [Lori stops her from breaking it down]

Lori: Ha ha ha. You're so funny, Laney. [To Laney] Laney, be a dear and fetch us some refreshments.

Laney: But what about my dance?

Lori: Later, Lanes. Later.

[Later as Laney came down with some refereshments when she bumps into Lincoln who was wearing a russian outfit]

Laney: We really gotta stop bumping into each other like this, Lincoln.

Lincoln: [In a russian accent] Who is this Lincoln you speak of? I am Lincolnovich Loudinski. But your brother told me all about you, yes?

Laney: Well, Lincolnovich. Did he tell you about my new dance moves?

Lincoln: [In a russian accent] Yes, he said you are good dancer. May I see?

Laney: Sure! [Laney began to perform her dance. She twisted herself around and the she spun followed by a moonwalk. Her feet moved like as if they were on fire. Lori's guests began to notice this, walked toward her and cheered as Laney continued. Before she finished, Lori grabbed her]

Lori: Laney! What are you doing?

Laney: Just showing off my dance moves.

Lori: Well, quit it. I'm trying to run a sophistcated party here! [Lori lets go of Laney and she walks away pouting at her]

[Later]

Bobby: Party's pretty sweet, babe.

Lori: Thanks, Boo-Boo Bear. Now for Item #8: **Make your party all that with some sparkling chitchat.** [grabs Bobby who yelps and goes over to some of her friends] So, has anyone done any travel lately? I hear the Galapagos Islands are beautiful this time of year.

[Her friends don't know how to respond]

Chaz: Uh...me and Tad went to the quarry and threw rocks at ducks.

[Lori looks disappointed at that statement. Just then, an amplifier screeches and some music starts blaring courtesy of Luna while Laney dances to the music. Some of the guests enjoy it]

Lori: Hey, guys! [the music stops] Did you check out the origami station? [shows some origami and pushes the guests away to talk to Luna] Guys, what are you doing?

Luna: Just trying to liven up the proceedings, dude?

Lori: Well, it's way too noisy. Item 4 clearly states that easy listening makes for easy talking.

Luna: What's item five? Put everyone to sleep?

Laney: [giggles] Good one.

Lori: You two are on warning!

[Leni takes a photo of their little argument with her phone]

Leni: Super cute! I'm totes posting this.

Lori: [looks at the photo] You totes are not! This is not sophisticated! Post this. [strikes a glamorous and sophisticated pose]

Leni: [takes the picture] Awesome! You look so constipated.

Lori: [frustrated] Sophisticated, Leni!

[Leni looks confused at her]

Lori: Item 7: **Tasty bites make tasty nights.** [gathers some snacks on a tray and offers them to her guests] Anyone for a mushroom polenta on toast points?

[Her guests gag and Luan and Mr. Coconuts pop up]

Luan: [as Mr. Coconuts] I've got a buddy who's a mushroom. He's a real fungi!

[The guests laugh and Lori drags Luan away to talk to her]

Lori: Luan, I told you to be cool.

Luan: What? I'm just trying to yuck it up a little.

Lori: [groans] There's no yucking at a sophisticated party.

Luan: [as Mr. Coconuts] Unless someone eats a polenta. Bazing!

Lori: You are both on warning! [goes over to her guests with a jar of paper pieces] Guys, who's up for some Charades? [beat] I'll go first. [reaches in for something to act and reads it] Okay. [holds up two fingers to say it's two words]

Tad: You have to go number two.

[Lori looks unimpressed. Luna and Laney sit around bored]

Laney: Gee, being at sophisticated party isn't as fun as I thought it would be.

Luna: You're tellin' me, L. If I was hostin' this shindig, we would rock it like a hurricane.

Laney: You sure would. [sighs] There's gotta be something we can do to liven this party up. [Luna starts playing some music with the washboard and brush] Yeah, that sounds great. [Laney began to dance to Luna's music. Attreacting the guests]

Tad: Hey! Lori's little sister's dancing again!

Chaz: Chaz like.

[Luna then starts playing music with the laundry equipment as Laney continued to dance and the crowd cheers only for Lori to break it up]

Lori: Guys, guys. I just put out some fresh salmon mousse. [turns to Luna as the guests walk away] Ugh. Luna, what did I tell you?

Luna: But, dude, they were pickin' up what we were layin' down.

Lori: Well, you need to pick up and leave before you ruin my party!

Luna: Whatever, brah. [leaves]

Luan: It's too bad. She had a real clean sound. [as Mr. Coconuts] "Guess you have to wash your step around here. [normal voice] Yeah, or you'll get hung out to dry.

[As she laughs at her jokes, Lori points toward the exit, telling her to leave]

Luan: [as Mr. Coconuts] Oh. Okay. We fold. [laughs as she leaves]

[Meanwhile, the guests are laughing at Lincoln as Lincolnovich juggling with one foot on his head]

Becky: Do another one, Lincolnovich!

Lincoln: [holding Becky's face] For you, Babushka, no problem!

[He steps and shakes his underwear out without taking his pants off, much to the astonishment of his audience; Lori grabs "Lincolnovich" and tears off his mustache]

Lori: Lincoln, I told you you're not invited!

Lincoln: But my tricks are killing!

Lori: I'm trying to throw a sophisticated party, and you're literally waving around your underwear! Now...SCRAM!

Lincoln: [in Russian accent] We will hear about this at embassy! [leaves]

Laney: [walks up to Lori] What's you're problem, Lori? We were just having fun! Like at people have at parties!

Lori: This is not those kind of parties. Besides, I thought you wanted to be here.

Laney: That was before I found out how lame this is! I should've known better, you grown ups are all the same! Stuffy and boring! [Lori gasps]

Lori: How dare you! If you don't like it, just leave!

Laney: Okay I will! [leaves]

Lori: Um, excuse me, everyone. I'm sorry for all my annoying siblings. Now that they're gone, we can get back to our charades and toast points.

[The others mumble and feign excitement]

Lori: Yay.

[The living room. Lincoln and Laney have just arrived.]

Luan: You guys got kicked out, too, huh?

[Lincoln and Laney sadly nod]

Luna: Don't worry, brahs. This party's way more rockin'. A-one, two, three, four! [starts playing]

[The twins start dancing and Lynn is bouncing on one of the bouncers]

Lynn: Check out this major air! [bounces high and away] Yee-haw!

Lucy: [forming a séance with the pets] Charles, I see your grandfather. He's a labradoodle.

[Lisa and Lily are drinking from the chocolate fountain.]

Lisa: [hooked] Oh, mama! This Theobroma Cacao, street name: chocolate, is working wonders on my serotonin levels!

Lily: [pouring some into her bottle] Goo-goo!

[They giggle]

Laney: [happy] Now THIS is a party!

Lincoln: Yeah! This party's way better. Mind if I sit in? [takes off his pants and does some knee farts while his sisters laugh]

Luna: Yeah, little bro! I dig what you're layin' down!

[They all have a good time upstairs. Back down in the basement, one of the guests is bored out of his mind]

Lori: I don't get it, you guys. I've been following the list, but people don't look like they're having fun.

Leni: I think they're having fun.

Lori: Leni, Joey is literally doing his homework. [shows Joey doing so in the corner] Hmm...I know what my mistake was!

Bobby: You listened too closely to some silly magazine instead of following your own instincts?

Lori: No. I left out Item 24! [goes to the dance floor] Okay, everyone, line dancing!

Guests: Ugh.

Lori: Don't worry. It's easy. Just watch me. [taps her feet and does the following moves she calls] Grapevine right, grapevine left, back three steps, and scuff!"[turns on some country music on her phone]

Becky: Um, Lori...um...can I get a drink?

Lori: Sure, Becky. As soon as I get a good grapevine out of you.

[They laugh awkwardly]

Becky: [pretending to make a ringing sound] Brring! Oh, there's my phone! [fakes getting a call] Oh, what's that, Mom? You stubbed your toe? Really hard? And you need me to come home right away? Oh, sorry, Lori. Family emergency. [leaves and sighs relieved]

Tad: [following her] Oh, uh, sorry. She's my ride. Wait up, Rhonda!

[The other guests run upstairs out of the party while passing Lori making her spin dizzy]

Guests: She's my ride, too. / Me too. / I'm blocking her in.

[Dana and Chaz are about to leave but Lori stops them]

Lori: Wait, you guys! Where are you going? We haven't, uh... [checks the magazine] ...made vision boards yet?

Chaz: [whispering to Dana] I don't need a vision to know I'm bored. [to Lori] Awesome party, Lori.

[He and Dana then leave]

Bobby: Don't feel bad, babe. I mean, a stubbed toe? That is pretty serious.

Lori: Eeh. Nice try, Boo-Boo Bear. But I know my party was a bomb.

Leni: What do you mean? Joey got all his homework done.

Lori: Guys, if you don't mind, I literally wanna be alone for a little bit.

[Bobby and Leni go upstairs and Lincoln and Laney come down]

Lincoln: Laney and I saw everyone leaving. Are you okay?

Lori: [sighs] I'm fine.

Laney: I'm sorry you're party didn't go so well. But to be fair, It wasn't as fun as you planned. [Lori stood silent]

Lincoln: Well, we're all hanging out upstairs if you wanna come join us. I mean, it's nothing "sophisticated", but-

Lori: You know what? I think I'm done with sophisticated. [tosses the magazine in the trash and notices something else in it] Oh. So that's where all the salmon mousse went. Wonderful.

[They leave the basement]

[Upstairs, the living room is fully decorated and the other sisters are wearing party hats. Lincoln and Lori arrive]

Lincoln: Hey, guys, look who's joining the party.

[The other sisters cheer. Lisa, experiencing a sugar rush, runs up to them]

Lisa: [hyperactive] Can I offer you a chocolate covered gelatinous confectionary, street name: marshmallow?

Lucy: Lori, come join our séance. We just discovered that Walt's ancestor is a pterodactyl.

Luan: [as Mr. Coconuts] And my ancestor's a coffee table.

[They laugh]

Luna: [brings Lori to the mic] Dudeage! Come sing a duet with me.

Lori: No, no. You know I'm not a good singer.

Luna: Come on. I'm doing your fave. [singing] _Ooh, girl, give you the..._

[Lori joins in]

Lori and Luna: _Ooh, girl, world girl, give you the, ooh, girl, world girl!_

Lynn: [bounces past Lori] Coming through!

Lola: [bouncing as well] I'm gonna beat you!

Laney: [bouncing too] Not if I beat you first!

Lori: I'm gonna beat all of you! [grabs a bouncer and starts bouncing with the crowd cheering; catches up and crosses the finish line made out of toilet paper] And the new bouncy ball champion is Lori Loud! [dunks herself with the chocolate fountain]

Leni: I am totally posting this.

[Leni posts a photo of Lori having so much fun. Becky, Dana, Chaz and Tad, now hanging out elsewhere, get the post and smile. Just then, the doorbell rings. Lori answers it and sees that it's Becky with pizza]

Becky: Yeah, my mom's toe, it's all better.

[The other guests come in]

Guests: Oh, yeah, and she's still my ride. / Mine, too./ Yeah, I needed to block her back in.

[Lori is happy to see her guests back. Everyone is having fun]

Lucy: [telling Joey his fortune] I see a B minus in your future.

Joey: [disappointed] Oh, man. Why do I even bother studying at parties?

Chaz: Great party, Lori. Chaz like.

Lori: Well, actually, it's not my-

Lincoln: Yeah! Lori throws the best parties.

Laney: She's also the one who taught me my dance moves. [winks at Lori]

Lori: [smiles] Speaking of, why don't you show them Laney?

Laney: Really? [Lori nods, and Laney smiles. She began busting a move with her twists, spins, moonwalks, and freestyle as the guests cheer on]

Guests: Go Laney! Go Laney! Go Laney! Go Laney!

Lori: [Gets and idea] I know what would make this even better! [holds out the box] Party props!

[Everyone grabs a prop and starts having fun with them. Just then, Rita and Lynn Sr. come in and gasp at the state of the party]

Lori: Uh, Mom and Dad, I'm sorry. Things got a little out of hand. Please don't be mad.

[The parents laugh]

Rita: We're not mad. We're thrilled!

Lynn Sr.: Honey, this is the kind of party a 17-year-old should have!

[The parents put lampshades on their heads and everyone laughs]

Lincoln: Hey, everyone! I got another pair of undies! Time for an encore performance! [starts doing his underwear trick]

Lynn Sr.: I taught him that!

[Lincoln successfully performs his trick and the party-goers cheer for him]

Laney: Best party ever!


	49. Fed Up

**Fed Up**

[Nighttime]

Lynn Sr.: Dinner's ready! Come and get it!

[The sisters quickly rush out of their rooms, and excitedly head downstairs. As they head down the stairs, the frame suddenly freezes. Lincoln appears]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Yeah, so this never happens. Dad cooks all our dinners, and he's not a bad cook, but his repertoire is kind of limited. [Lincoln enters his room and pulls down a calendar. As he lists off the dishes mentioned, said dish appears on the calendar and head to their respective date] You've got Salisbury Steak Sundays, Meatball Mondays, Turkey Loaf Tuesdays, Wienerschnitzel Wednesdays, Goulash Thursdays, Fish Fry Fridays, and Succotash Saturdays. [the seven mentioned dishes then cover every week on the calendar] Then it all repeats, week, after week, after week. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go choke down some...

[Cut to a rather sloppily made dish]

Lynn Sr.: ...wienerschnitzel. Not to brag, but this tastes exactly like last Wednesday's, and I've got this recipe dialed in!

[Lynn Sr. heads back into the kitchen. Lincoln pulls out a coin attached to a string and begins swinging it side to side in front of his face]

Lola: What are you doing?

Lincoln: Self hypnosis. Maybe it can make myself believe the wienerschnitzel tastes like ice cream.

Lola: [trying to steal Lincoln's coin] Oh, I want ice cream! Move!

Lincoln: [struggling to get his coin back] Come up with your own coping mechanism!

[As Lincoln and Lola fight for the coin, they accidentally knock the wienerschnitzel off the table. As it begins hurling towards the floor, Lynn Sr. notices it falling and dives towards it to catch it]

Lynn Sr.: No! No, no, no, no, no! [the siblings look at their father, who has just saved the wienerschnitzel in time] Whew! That was close. I almost had to order us pizza. Ha ha.

[Lynn Sr. leaves the scene. As the sisters sit back down, Lincoln suddenly has a realization]

[In the bathroom, the sisters are getting ready for bed]

Leni: You guys, I need an outfit for dinner tomorrow. [holds up a purple dress] Does this print go with goulash?

Lincoln: [comes in] It doesn't matter, 'cause we're not having goulash tomorrow.

Lori: Yes we are, Lincoln. We have it every Thursday, and there's literally nothing we can do about it.

Lucy: She's right. It's all in my poem. [takes out poem] **Dinner. The same seven meals. How do you cope? The only plan is to give up hope. Dinner.**

[The other sisters agree]

Leni: So true.

Luan: Say it, sister!

Lisa: Wise words.

Laney: Guys, don't give up on dinner because of dad. I think I like the way he organizes our dinners every night.

Lola: Wake up and smell the wienershnitzel, Laney! There's nothing that will make dad's dinners better!

Lincoln: Not even... pizza?

[The sisters gasp and Lana pops out of the back of the toilet in scuba gear]

Lana: Did someone say "pizza"?

Lincoln: When the schnitzel fell off the table, Dad said he almost had to order pizza. So, if we sabotage tomorrow's dinner, that's what we'll get.

Laney: What? Lincoln, we can't sabotage dinner for pizza! We all got to respect our family's cooking.

Lucy: Have you even tried the succotash?

Laney: Look, I like dad's cooking and determination. He always know what to provide in this big family and it's way better than ordering pizza. And I'll prove it. [walks off]

Lincoln: Okay, so Laney's out. Everyone else, huddle up. [Lana hops out of the toilet which disgusts him] Lana, why don't you rinse off first?

[The next day, Lynn Sr. & Laney come home from the supermarket with groceries]

Lynn Sr.: [singing] _I just came back from the grocery store, gonna get my goulash on / Noodles, tomatoes, meat galore, gonna get my goulash-_ Hey, thanks again for helping me with tonight's dinner Laney.

Laney: No problem, dad. Just wanted to spice things up, you know.

Lynn Sr.: Loving that enthusiasm, sweetie. [Opens the door]

Lincoln: [feigning curiosity] Hey, Dad! There's something I've always wondered about. Why do you make goulash on Thursdays?

Lynn Sr.: [laughs] Oh, son. It's a funny story. Thursdays are a bit of a conundrum. Not many foods start with "TH". [While he's not looking, Lisa uses a drone to grab the meat and Lana uses her fishing rod to snatch the noodles] There's Thai food, but coconut milk really does a number on the old Lynn-testines, if you know what I'm saying. [Lynn swoops in and grabs the tomatoes and Luna cuts a hole in the bag to drop an onion and put it in Lily's diaper] And three-bean salad; well, that's just three times as bad, right? Now there is a Greek dish called Thessalonikian sheep dip, but your mother finds it a little gamey.

Lincoln: [seeing his sisters having done their parts] You're right. That is a funny story. Gotta go! [leaves]

Lynn Sr: But, son, I didn't tell you about threatened-species stir fry yet! It's very rare! Get it?

[Inside the breadbox, a fake bread camera is filming Lynn Sr.'s actions and the kids check it out via laptop in Lori and Leni's room]

Lincoln: Good work, team! If my calculations are correct, Dad should be ordering pizza in... [checks watch] ...T minus 15 seconds.

[Lynn Sr. checks his groceries only to find an orange inside]

Lynn Sr.: [confused] An orange? Where's all my goulash stuff? I know I bought it, 'cause I was singing about it! Dang it! [sighs] I guess I'll have to...

Lincoln: Three, two, one.

Lynn Sr.: ...go back to the store!

Sisters (sans Laney): [disappointed] Aw...

Lisa: I knew I should've chloroformed him. Unconscious people can't make goulash.

Lana: [holding up the rivets to the car's steering wheel] Don't worry. Dad's not going anywhere.

[The steering wheel comes off]

Lynn Sr.: Gah! Well, my horoscope did say Libras should expect the unexpected today. [goes back inside] Bad news, kids. I gotta put the kibosh on tonight's goulash.

Kids: [feigning disappointment] Aw...

Luan: What a shame.

Lynn: Too bad.

Lori: I need to take a moment.

Laney: Don't worry dad! I have been taking cooking lessons. I can make us something!

Lynn Sr.: Why, Laney that is a swell idea! In your face, horoscope!

[leaves]

Lincoln: Should've known Laney would be a problem.

Lisa: I'll get the chloroform.

[In the kitchen]

Lynn Sr.: So Lanes, what do you have in mind for tonight?

Laney: [searches through the pantry and finds a bag of pasta and a can of sauce] Well, I was hoping we could make a nice macaroni salad. [As Laney continued to find ingredients for her salad, Lana had her frog to snatch the pasta and Lisa had used a magnet to pull in the can and also her dad's belt making his pants fall down. Laney looks to find that her ingredients are gone] Wha? Where's my ingredients?

Lynn Sr.: And what happened to my belt?

Laney: Sorry dad, I guess the dinner's a bust. [Lincoln calls the pizza place on speed dial]

Lynn Sr.: Fear not, Laney. We'll just have frank and beans friday on thursday!

[The kids groan at their dad's determination. Lynn Sr. checks the drawers for the can opener but can't find it]

Lynn Sr.: Where the heck is our can opener? [Luan sneaks it out and Laney gives him Geo]

Laney: Here, dad.

Lynn Sr.: You want me to use Geo?

Laney: Trust me. Geo has a knack for gnawing on things. [Lynn Sr. uses Geo to open the can of beans and it worked]

Lynn Sr.: Wow, I can't believe tht worked. [To Laney] I'm liking your Lynn-genuity kid! [Luan shakes her fist in rage; looking for knives] Where are the dang knives? [holds up packets of wieners] I've got 20 hot dogs to slice!

[Lori sneaks the knives away]

Laney: I got this dad. [Cut to Laney using her ice skates to cut the hot dogs. Leni gives her performance a perfect 10; Lincoln smacks the score card out of her hands. Lynn Sr. is about to put the chopped franks into the pot, but finds some unexpected guests]

Lynn Sr.: Ah! Pot raccoons! [Laney shoos the raccoons away as Lynn Sr. puts the meal in a casserole dish] No problem. We'll do a casserole. [He tries to open the oven, but the handle gets stuck and breaks off. Luna is holding a bottle of glue, showing that was her doing. Now, Lynn Sr. puts the ingredients in a coffee pot] I'll just heat 'er up in the old coffee pot. That's using the old bean. [Just as he turns the coffee pot on, Lola tugs on the power line with her princess car hooked to it and shuts off the power to the house] Dang it.

Lincoln: I'm proud of you guys. It was touch-and-go for a while, but we all hung in there, and-

Lynn Sr.: Dinner's served! [singing again] _Franks, franks and beans, they're lima / Franks and beans_

Kids (minus Laney): [flabbergasted] WHAT?!

Lynn Sr.: It's not exactly hot, but I'd rather eat cold beans than a plate of failure.

[As a last ditch effort, Lily tosses her rattle right on the floor, making Lynn Sr. trip over it and drop the dish which the raccoons quickly devour]

Lynn Sr.: [defeated] Someone get me the phone...

[As Laney felt sorry for her dad, the other kids smile and place three boxes of pizza on the table]

Lincoln: Yes! Pizza!

[Lincoln takes a bite and they all cheer]

Lucy: [revising her poem] **Dinner. Goulash again? That's a nope. A bite of pizza; it tastes like hope. Dinner.** [sheds a pizza slice shaped teardrop of happiness]

[Later that night...]

Laney: I'm sorry your dinner didn't go so well, dad.

Lynn Sr.: I just don't know what went wrong, it's as if my frank and beans were sabotaged or something. [Laney stopped and thought of something then she went downstairs and looked around until she found the can opener hidden in a potted plant]

[Later after dinner, Lincoln is relaxing in his room]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Wow. What a night. Maybe next week we can get Dad to order Chinese.

Lynn Sr.: [off-screen and angry] WHY IS THERE MEAT IN MY SHOES?!

Lincoln: [caught] Dang it.

[The meat covered slippers are shown and the parents are unhappy with their kids]

Rita: Does anyone have anything to say?

Lincoln: [whispering] Leni, why would you hide the meat in the slippers Dad wears every night?

Leni: [Whispering] Because his pockets were full.

Lynn Sr.: [pulling out pasta from his pockets] What is this? Pasta? Someone please explain why I'm wearing my goulash!

Laney: [off screen] Ahem! [Laney entered with the can opener in her hand] It seems that someone has been sabotaging your meal. [To Lincoln] Right, Lincoln?

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln? Is this true?

Lincoln: [sighs in defeat] Yes, dad. It was us. We sabotaged dinner so you'd order us pizza. [his parents gasp] We're really sorry. But eating the same dinners over and over again was driving us crazy.

Rita: You guys have no idea how hard it is to cook seven nutritious meals a week for 14 different people on a budget. I'd say your dad does a pretty great job.

Lynn Sr.: [thankful] Aw, that means a lot, honey.

Rita: You'll understand someday when you have to cook for your own family.

Lincoln: Cook for your own family? That's it! Let us make dinner tomorrow night. We have tons of ideas. Dad will get a break, we'll make something delicious and show you it's not that hard to mix up the meal.

[Their parents take it in for a second]

Lynn Sr.: Fine by me.

[As they leave, it's revealed Leni hid the vegetables in his robe and she grabs an onion from it]

Leni: Ooh! We could probably use this onion.

[The next night, the kids are getting ready to make dinner and Lincoln takes out some bread and cheese]

Lincoln: Remember, guys, this is about more than just tonight's dinner. These grilled cheeses really have to change hearts and minds.

Lola: Grilled cheese? I wanna make a cake!

Lori: I can't eat cake for dinner. I'll literally break out!

Luna: Let's make shepherd's pie! It's Mick Swagger's favorite, dudes.

Leni: You guys, I got it. Let's make goulash!

Lincoln: We did all this so we wouldn't have to eat goulash!

Leni: And now I miss it.

Lisa: Might I suggest something more sophisticated? Perhaps a vichyssoise?

Lynn: [makes a buzzer sound] We need body fuel. I'll blend us up some protein shakes.

Lola: Your brain's been blended if you think I'm drinking that barf.

Lana: [excited] Wait! We can drink barf?

Laney: No! We can't, Lana.

[The kids all start arguing over what to make]

Lincoln: Grilled cheese beats all!

Lynn: Protein shake!

Lola: Cake!

[Lori bangs a pan and spoon together to get their attention]

Lori: Guys, guys, stop! We'll do a potluck. Everyone will make their own dish.

Lincoln: Great idea. Then we'll have nothing to fight about.

Boy were they wrong. The kitchen was found minutes later in a complete mess! The only one who didn't have trouble making food was of courde, Laney. Who was making a lovely cobbler, problem was she couldn't find any peaches.

[Lucy and Lana are fighting over an egg]

Lucy: Well, I need it for my deviled eggs.

[Their force causes the egg to break and the yolk lands on Lily's head]

Luan: Mind if I poach that? [laughs and scoops the yolk up in a bowl] Get it?

[Lily laughs at the joke. Luan goes over to the counter and the blender spews Lynn's protein shake all over Luan's face, causing her to trip onto Lincoln with his grilled cheese. Lori then trips over them, slips on the fridge, and gets buried by its contents]

Lori: [weakly] Literally?

[Leni tries using the microwave, but it short-circuits and sets off the smoke detector]

Laney: Hey, Leni? Are you still holding on to that onion? [Laney was blinded by the smoke that she bumped in to Leni, spilling her cobbler. Luna grabs a linen to blow the smoke away from it, but the linen was holding up the pot with Lisa's vichyssoise which spills over]

Lisa: MY VICHYSSOISE!

[As Luna fails to blow the smoke away, Lynn smacks the detector away with her lacrosse net, but the detector crashes into Lola's cake]

Lola: [gasps with a face full of frosting] MY CAKE!

[Enraged, Lola attacks Lynn and Luna and the fight cloud carries over to all the kids in the kitchen. Laney tries to walk away from the fray. But slips on a pizza slice]

Laney: Clean up on aisle three... [Meanwhile, Lynn Sr. and Rita are in the dining room waiting]

Lynn Sr.: Guys? Everything okay in there?

[The kids stop fighting and calmly say that everything's fine]

Leni: Like, awesome!

Lana: Super!

Lynn Sr.: Good! Your mom and I are getting hungry for dinner! Hope you're almost ready to fork it over!

Lori: You guys, we've got nothing!

Lincoln: Failure is not an option! We have to serve something, or we'll be eating the same seven dinners forever!

[The sisters nod in agreement]

Laney: I'm okay with it.

[Dinner is served]

Lynn Sr.: Wow. You made, uh...

[The dish is a bizarre mixture of different foods they combined into one at the last minute]

Lisa: Potates.

Lori: Quinoa.

Luan: Turkey.

Lucy: Chicken.

Luna: Meatloaf.

Lynn: Bologna.

Lola: Frosting.

Lincoln: Cereal.

Leni: Goulash.

Lana: Barf.

Laney: I made a nice cobbler to go alonge with it. Didn't have much to work with, though. [Laney's dish is seen a blobby mess] You can use vegetables in a cobbler, right?

[Rita and Lynn Sr. look unsure]

Lincoln: Well, bon appétit!

[They all nervously take a spoonful of the stuff and take a bite out of it. Rita gags, obviously not liking it]

Rita: [trying not to upset her children] Mmm, it's, uh...

[She gags again and the kids all spit it out and point out how truly awful it tastes]

Lori: I can't get it off my tongue!

Lincoln: Mom, Dad, we're sorry. You were right. Cooking for this many people is a nightmare. We'll never complain about your food again.

[His sisters all agree]

Lana: We promise.

Luan: We didn't mean it.

Lola: I'm not keeping that promise. [smiles innocently]

Lynn: Now that we totally learned our lesson, can we order pizza?

Siblings: [excited] Pizza!

Lana: Indian!

Rita: Sorry, kids. Our food budget for this week is shot.

Lana: So we're not having any dinner?

Lynn Sr.: Nonsense! Necessity is the mother of Lynn-vention! To the kitchen!

[The messy kitchen]

Lynn Sr.: So, what have we got?

[The kids check to see what's left]

Lincoln: I found a jar of olives!

Lori: This spoon still has a little mustard on it.

Lynn: And I've got some chopped up sports bars.

Luna: And I've got some jams!

Luan: Ooh! Where? [Luna holds up her guitar] Oh. Those kind of jams.

[Luna starts playing while Lynn Sr. starts cooking]

Lynn Sr.: Olives. [is handed the olives] Pepper. [is handed the pepper] Baking pan. [is handed only half of it] Other half of baking pan. [is handed the other half] Tape. Stat, man! Stat!

[Lily hands him the tape, Luna keeps jamming, and Luan wipes his brow]

Leni: What are you making, Dad?

Lynn Sr.: I'm not really sure, but let's call it...Casa Loud Casserole! [holds up the casserole containing the olives, pepper, sports bars, mustard, and anything else in it]

Leni: Ooh! I have the perfect outfit for that!

[Later, after dinner, everyone is stuffed and satisfied and Leni is wearing a red dress]

Rita: Honey, that was delicious.

[The kids agree]

Lola: Amazing!

Leni: So good!

Lynn Sr.: Thank you. I think you kids were right. It's time I started mixing up the menu.

Kids: [excited] Really?!

Lynn Sr.: Yep. In fact, I'm going to the store right now to get some new Lynn-gredients.

[He heads to the car and the kids cheer to finally having some new dinners, but the car crashes off-screen]

Lana: Oops. Heh, heh. [holds up the brake pads] Forgot to put the brake pads back on. [smiles nervously]

 **Epilogue**

[Laney and Lynn Sr. are seen cleaning up the kitchen]

Lynn Sr.: Say, Laney. I admired the way helped with my cooking today. Even though the kids were sabotaging to get pizza. Perhaps you can use you cooking skills and become my sous-chef?

Laney: Thanks, dad, but no thanks. I had enough cooking for one day. I rather leave it to the professionals. [Lynn Sr. pats her head]

Lynn Sr.: Well, thanks Laney. And I just know those skills of yours will make someone very happy some day.

Laney: You really think so?

Lynn Sr.: Trust in your Lynn-genuity, sweetie. [Laney smiles. Iris out]


	50. EXCITING UPDATE!

**My dear fans, I've come with exciting news. First off I apologize for the lack of chapters over the summer, but you have to understand that I can't do an episode I haven't seen before. But luckily they'll be showing during my first week back at school starting September 5th and before that I have been working on ideas to spice up the story.**

 **Here's what's to come this mid-season on "Laney In The Loud House"**

 **\- Laney finds a new love interest and will move to Lincoln's school.**

 **\- The episodes will have a bit more focus on Laney, but not much like "Undie Pressure".**

 **\- And *pause for dramatic effect* ORIGINAL EPISODES!!!**

 **That's right folks. I shall write fan episodes starring little Laney during the breaks in seasons. I am currently in progress of one right now!**

 **And it all starts Saturday, September 9th with Laney's superhero character in "Pulp Friction", and camera shy in elementary school in "Out of the Picture". I hope to see you all there!**

 **Until then, the King has spoken!**


	51. Pulp Friction

**Pulp Friction**

[The episode opens up on a city at night. In a warehouse, Lincoln as Ace Savvy, Clyde as One-Eyed Jack, and Laney as Lady Solitare are hanging over a shark tank with the shark leaping up, trying to devour them.]

Wild Card Willy: [laughing evilly] Game over, Ace Savvy, One-Eyed Jack, and Lady Solitare!

Ace Savvy: Think again, Wild Card Willy! I've got a few more cards up my sleeve!

[Ace drops a handful of cards on the ground with his sisters. Just then, a horn blazes and the van comes in with Lori's persona at the wheel.]

The High Card: Alright, girls, [lifts up her mask] let's deal with these losers!

 **THE HIGH CARD**

[The van opens up revealing the rest of the girls in their Ace Savvy personae.]

Wild Card Willy: Eep! [hides behind one of his henchmen.] Get them!

[The girls leap into action with Lily and Lola's personae starting the fight off.]

Henchman #1: [to his partner] You take the baby, I'll take the princess.

The Queen of Diamonds: Excuse you. I am the queen. [She flicks her hair as her tiara sparkles.]

 **THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS**

[The Queen tosses her diamond tiara and knocks out Henchman #2. Henchman #1 comes charging at them as Lily holds up some stinky diapers.]

 **THE DEUCE**

[The Deuce tosses her diapers that act as stink bombs and nails the other goon. Luna's persona turns up the volume.]

The Night Club: Get ready to do the Bad Guy Shuffle!

 **THE NIGHT CLUB**

[The Night Club blares her guitar at the minions and knocks them into a hole dug up by Lucy's persona.]

The Eight of Spades: No aces in this hole.

 **THE EIGHT OF SPADES**

[Lynn's persona charges via comic panels into the goons with a headbutt.]

The Strong Suit: 52 Pickup!

 **THE STRONG SUIT**

[One of the goons lands on a pile of other defeated minions with Lisa's persona keeping an accurate count.]

The Card Counter: Or more precisely, six. [smashes another henchman's face with her calculator.] Make that seven.

 **THE CARD COUNTER**

[As Ace, Jack, and Lady draw closer to the tank, they notice Leni's persona.]

The Eleven of Hearts: Hey, guys, check out my new outfit. It's perfect for fall weather and springing into action! [uses the sash on her outfit as a utility rope, swings over the tank and saves the trio.] Ugh, these belts are so 90's! [pulls their chains off and sets them free, she drops them.]

 **THE ELEVEN OF HEARTS**

[Wild Card Willy makes for the exit.]

Ace: Wild Card's getting away!

[Lana's persona is working on the shark tank.]

The Royal Flush: Hey, Willy, go fish! [loosens the bolt on the pipe.]

 **THE ROYAL FLUSH**

[The tank comes loose with the water and sharks coming out; Wild Card evades it but gets knocked back by a jack-in-the-box style weapon set up by Luan's persona.]

The Joker: I see your bet and raise you! [laughs]

 **THE JOKER**

Wild Card Willy: You haven't won yet, Savvy! I have one trick left up my sleeve! [Willy holds out a gun]

Lady Solitare: So have I!

 **LADY SOLITARE**

[With a flash of lighting, Lady Solitare grabbed the chain and dashed through Willy's minions and tied the villain up]

Lady Solitare: Ready for anything!

Ace: Excellent work, Lady Solitaire. [Ace and Jack jump over to the captured villain] Willy, why do you always have to play dirty cards?

Willy: 'Cause that's the only way to clean up. So, I guess it's off to jail for me.

[It then shows Willy in a jail cell with a caption reading END in the lower right corner and it was a comic Lincoln and Clyde made, they were showing it to Liam, Girl Jordan, and Rusty.]

Lincoln and Clyde: The end.

Liam and Girl Jordan: Awesome!

Rusty: That was sick. Where'd you get the idea for all those butt-kicking super ladies?

Lincoln: From my sisters. They've always got my back. [perturbed] Except for Lola. You never turn your back on Lola.

Girl Jordan: I really like Lady Solitare. She's so smart and quick. Which sister inspired her?

Lincoln: Laney. Because out of all my sisters, she's a real hero.

Liam: So, if you fellas win the contest, they'll make this here into a real Ace Savvy comic?

Clyde: And we'll get to meet the creator, Bill Buck! [holds out a photo of said creator.]

Heavenly voice: Bill Buck~...

Girl Jordan: Well, I think your comic's totally gonna win.

Liam: Darn tootin'.

Rusty: Word.

[At that moment, Principal Huggins grabs the comic book away from them.]

Principal Huggins: Loud, McBride, school time is meant for learning, not for doodling degenerate fantasies! This trash belongs to me now!

Lincoln: But Principal Huggins, you can't take our comic!

Principal Huggins: Oh, and now you're giving me sass? That's detention! Today! Till 5:00!

Clyde: But we have to get to the post office by 4:00. That's the contest deadline.

Principal Huggins: [sarcastically] Oh, I didn't realize. I'll just give it back to you. [serious] NOT!

[Detention]

Principal Huggins: I've got just the thing to keep those doodling hands of yours busy: cleaning erasers. [gives them the erasers and leaves.]

Lincoln: [throws the erasers aside.] But we're not criminals. All we did was make a comic. And we're getting it back. [tries to open the door but can't.] Dang it. He locked us in from the outside.

[Lincoln tries to get out via the window, but Huggins stops him by welding it shut. He snarls while Lincoln starts cleaning the erasers nervously.]

Lincoln:[throws the erasers away again.] Okay, Plan B. We'll sharpen a bunch of pencils and dig our way out.

[Just then, the door opens to show it's Lola.]

Lola: [twirling her tiara] Or I could just pick the lock. [puts the tiara back on.] Not that your idea wasn't great.

Lincoln: Lola? Why are you busting us out?

[Lana and Laney appear]

Lana: 'Cause we heard about Huggins confiscating your comic book.

Lola: The one starring me as Queen of Diamonds!

Lana: And me as the Royal Flush!

Laney: And me as Lady Solitare, your dashing sidekick. I really like how you made me part of your superhero team by the way. Made me feel like I could actually be a hero.

Lincoln: Why, Thank you Laney.

Lola: And besides, you think we're gonna let some power-tripping principal take away our chance to get famous?

Lincoln: Sweet! Now we just gotta find a way to sneak into Huggins' office and get our comic back.

Clyde: Maybe we could use your pencils.

Lana: Forget that. [brings in janitorial equipment] Hop on!

Clyde: [defeated] I tried, buddy.

[They get into the waste bins with Lana pushing them toward Huggins' office while he's doing his work.]

Clyde: We gotta find a way to get Huggins out of his office.

Lana: It's taken care of.

[Principal Huggins' secretary Cheryl comes running by.]

Cheryl: Principal Huggins! Principal Huggins! We have got a situation in the gym!

[In the gym, Coach Pacowski is being chased by bats summoned by Lucy in the rafters with her arm sticking out with three bats on it.]

Principal Huggins: [heading for the gym] I'm on it!

[Cheryl goes to her desk.]

Lincoln: Now we have to distract Cheryl.

Laney: That's where I come in?

Lola: No. Already taken care of.

[Lisa is at Cheryl's desk.]

Lisa: Hello, Cheryl. I took the liberty of assessing the school budget, and encountered numerous instances of wasteful spending.

Cheryl: Oh, that's very cute, sweetie, but I'm sure everything here is in order.

[Lisa places a ton of files of such spending on Cheryl's desk.]

Lisa: Item one: the two dozen fresh cut roses you sent yourself on Secretary's Day. Put on a pot of coffee, sweetie. We're gonna be here a while.

[While she has Cheryl distracted, Lincoln and Clyde sneak into Huggins' office. While Laney stood by the door with Lola and Lana]

Laney: Um, isn't anything I can do to help in this heroic mission?

Lana: You can distract Huggins. Make sure he doesn't get in his office. [Laney gives them a thumbs up and the twins leave, just as Principal Huggins walks in to to get inside]

Laney: Oh! Hello, Mr Huggins.

Principal Huggins: Say, haven't I seen you before?

Laney: Well, yes. I was one of the frog heroes remember?

Principal Huggins: Oh yeah, Laney was it? Hmm. Hey, while I have you here, I have an important discussion about your school.

Laney: Sure! Anything to keep you distracted...

Principal Huggins: What?

Laney: I mean, what about my school?

[Meanwhile in Huggins' office, Lincoln and Clyde were searching every nook and cranny for their comic]

Lincoln: Come on. Come on. Where is it?

Clyde: [pointing] There!

[They find it in his satchel, but before they can grab it...]

Principal Huggins: [unaware that Lisa took Cheryl's place.] Problem solved, Cheryl. We got rid of the bats, and Coach is resting comfortably after his rabies shot. Also I talked to Laney Loud about the transfer to see if she's on board. [grabs his coat which Lincoln was hiding under as he grabs his trench coat to hide in.] I'm headed home for the day. [gets a file from Clyde's arm while he's not looking.] You can let Loud and McBride out of detention at 5:00, but only if the erasers are clean. [takes his satchel and leaves]

[Lincoln sees the satchel is gone and gasps.]

Lincoln: Oh no! Huggins just took our comic home with him!

Clyde: And worse: we didn't finish cleaning the erasers! [holds out the erasers]

Lincoln: [As Laney came in] Laney! You were supposed to keep him distracted! What happened?

Laney: Uhh, there's something you should know about that...

Clyde: No time! We gotta get that comic back!

[The kids burst out the door and see Huggins leaving on his golf cart.]

Lincoln: There goes Huggins! How are we gonna catch up to him?

Lana: It's taken care of.

[Vanzilla drives up and they all hop in.]

Lori: Lincoln, where have you been? The post office closes in 30 minutes!

Lincoln: Change of plans. Principal Huggins has the comic. Follow that golf cart, High Card!

Luna: Let's rock, dudes!

[Luna starts playing some action music on her guitar and Lori, with determination in her eyes, chases after Principal Huggins.]

Principal Huggins: [singing along] Ooh, girl! / If I could / Ooh, girl!

Lynn: [holding a boomerang out the window] I got eyes on the comic!

[She tosses the boomerang, but Huggins hits a pothole and the boomerang misses.]

Principal Huggins: Yeesh!

[The boomerang instead picks up a raccoon.]

Lynn: [ducks down] RACCOON!

[The raccoon lands in Vanzilla and attacks the Loud kids and Clyde for a little turbulence. Laney brings out a chocolate bar, attracting the racoon.]

Laney: Here boy! You want it? Go get it! [Laney throws the choclate bar out of the window and the racoon chased after it]

Lana: Thanks, Laney.

Laney: Ready for anything!

[Principal Huggins comes to a stop at an intersection, sees it's clear and goes. Vanzilla comes to a stop because Scoots is passing the crosswalk and taking a little too long. Lori honks the horn.]

Lola: [impatient] MOVE IT, LADY!

Scoots: [sarcastically] Oh, am I going too slow for you? [sets her scooter in slow reverse.]

Laney: I got this! [Laney gets out of the van and pushes Scoots' scooter across the crosswalk]

Scoots: Quit pushing me! [she hits Laney over the head with a cane]

Laney: Ow! [As soon as the reach to the other side of the crosswalk, Laney ran back inside the van and sat on her seat exhausted and rubbing her sore head]

Lynn: You okay, Laney.

Laney: Just fine! Nothing that Lady Solitare can't handle!

Lori: Guys, we're literally losing him!

Luan: Don't worry. He won't give us the slip! [grabs Lola's banana and Lana's slingshot and fires the banana ahead of Huggins.]

Principal Huggins: [still singing] Ooh, girl / Doo-doo-doo [hits the banana peel and loses control.] Whoa!

[As he tries to regain control, the comic falls out of his satchel and Lincoln and Clyde get it back.]

Clyde: [checking his watch] We still have five minutes to get it to the post office.

[They get back in Vanzilla.]

Lincoln: Let's roll.

Luna: And rock!

[But before she can get into the music, the van doesn't start.]

Luna: Dudes, I can't play action music if there's no action.

[Lori and Lana check the engine, it's completely damaged.]

Lana: Bad news, guys. We pushed Vanzilla too hard.

Lincoln and Clyde: [aghast] NOOOOOO!

Leni: Hey, guys! Check out the new look! [sporting a sash like The Eleven of Hearts'.]

Lynn: Leni, this isn't the time to talk about fashion!

[Leni takes off the sash and reveals that she's using it to tie Vanzilla to a passing pickup truck to tow them to the post office.]

Lucy: I never thought I'd say this, but... [kind] good thinking, Leni.

Leni: I got the idea from Lincoln's coloring book.

Laney: It's a comic book.

[They arrive at the post office just in time.]

Lincoln: [to the pickup truck driver] Thanks for the tow!

[It reveals to have been a pig driving and his farmer in the passenger seat giving a thumbs up.]

Lola: Just hurry up and make us famous!

[Lincoln pulls out his cards like Ace. He, Clyde, and Laney enter the post office and run up to the mailing window.]

Lincoln: [at the same time as someone else.] This needs to be mailed by four o'clock!

[Lincoln and Clyde turn around and find out that the other person is Principal Huggins.]

Lincoln and Principal Huggins: [shocked] "What are you doing here?!"

[Principal Huggins drops something in his state of surprise.]

Lincoln: [pointing at it] Is that a comic book?

Principal Huggins: A what? No! I mean, shouldn't you boys be in detention?

[Lincoln picks it up.]

Clyde: It is a comic book! " **The Adventures of Ace Savvy and the Principal Valiant by Wilbur T. Huggins** ".

Lincoln: [gasps] You're entering the Ace Savvy contest?

Clyde: And your name is Wilbur?

Laney: Wow, Mr. Huggins. I didn't know you're into comics.

Principal Huggins: [pointing the other way] Look! New commemorative stamps!

[When the three have their backs turn, Wilbur grabs his comic and runs only to bump into Scoots and pratfall.]

Lincoln: So, that's why you confiscated our comic book and put us in detention: to knock us out of the running!

Principal Huggins: Okay, okay, I did it. But I had to. When I heard how great your comic was, I knew mine wouldn't stand a chance.

Clyde: But, sir, why is a comic book contest so important to you? You're a successful school administrator. You've got your own golf cart.

Principal Huggins: Yes, it's true. I have it all. But it wasn't always this way.

[Flashback to Huggins' childhood]

Principal Huggins: [narrating] When I was your age, I didn't have a lot of friends. But I had Ace.

Young Wilbur: [reading his comic] Yeah, get 'em, Ace! Way to deal out some justice!

[The other kids playing baseball hit the ball through his comic book and laugh at him.]

Batter: Look at him!

[End flashback]

Principal Huggins: Those comics meant the world to me. I wanted to win the contest so I could meet Bill Buck and thank him for getting me through a lonely childhood. But I went too far. I'm sorry, boys. You deserve to win, not me. As Ace Savvy would say, deal me out. [takes his comic and leaves forlornly.]

Clyde: Wow. I guess there's more to Huggins than meets the eye.

Laney: It must be so sad to not have friends when growing up.

Lincoln: Yeah. And his story just gave me an idea.

[Principal Huggins hops in his golf cart for home.]

Lincoln and Clyde: Principal Huggins, wait!

Principal Huggins: Oh, yes. Of course. You'll need my administrator ID to report me to the school board.

Lincoln: No. We're not reporting anyone. We get it. Ace has gotten us through some tough times, too.

Clyde: Yeah. Like when Lori first got together with Bobby. It was a rainy Tuesday. I wore suede shoes. That was a mistake.

Lincoln: I think he gets the idea, Clyde. [to Principal Huggins] And we're not mad, because you just gave us a much better ending for our comic.

Principal Huggins: I did?

Clyde: You did. [checks his watch] But we gotta hurry. We only have a minute.

Principal Huggins: I think I can buy you a few minutes.

[Back in the post office, Wilbur walks up toward the the mailing window where the lady there pulls the curtain down.]

Lee: I'm sorry, sir. We're closing. [Wilbur pulls it back up.] Ooh.

Principal Huggins: [smoothly] Hello, Mrs... [reads her name tag] ...Lee, is it? I believe your son Wyatt attends my school. How would he like a little... [nudges eyebrows] ...extra recess? Maybe a get-out-of-gym pass?

[He holds up the pass and Lee likes where he's going; he gives the thumbs up, giving the boys time to change the ending to their comic.]

[Return to the comic with the new ending.]

Ace: Willy, why do you always have to play dirty cards? [takes off his handkerchief.]

Willy: [downtrodden] I'm not an evil guy. I was just dealt a bad hand. As a lonely kid, the only game I knew was Solitaire. So, I guess it's off to jail for me.

Ace: I have a better idea.

[Cut to a heist having been pulled by Scoots' Ace Savvy villain persona.]

Jack: The Old Maid's making off with the jackpot!

Old Maid: You'll never catch me, Savvy! [laughs]

Ace: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure, 'cause we've got a new card to play.

[Willy appears by Ace, Jac, and Lady]

Willy: Time to deal out some justice!

 **WILD CARD WILLY**

[The comic stops with Buck Bill reading it in his studio.]

Bill: I love the ending! Especially when we learn Wild Card was a lonely kid. I read a lot of entries with great action sequences, but none with this kind of heart.

Lincoln: It was inspired by our principal here. He really wanted to meet you.

Principal Huggins: [speechless] Sir, it is an honor. I just never-ah, this is the best day of my- [passes out from the excitement]

[Lincoln and Clyde just shrug it off; enter Lincoln's sisters.]

Laney: How did you like Lady Solitare?

Lola: Hey, what did you think of the Queen of Diamonds? Wasn't she your favorite part? Here! Let me show you some of my ideas for an action figure and a bed sheet set.

[The rest of the kids gather around Bill and talk to him about the comic.]

Bill: Whoa! This is kind of a...full house!

 **Epilogue**

[The Loud kids exit Bill's comic studio]

Lincoln: Thanks to you guys, my comic's gonna be a bestseller.

Lola: And so are all the eventual merchandising!

Laney: It just so awesome just to be part of your adventure Lincoln. And to think I get to be more involved with you every day at school!

Lincoln: That's gonna be hard since we go to separate schools.

Laney: Not anymore! I'm being transferred to your school!

Lincoln: WHAT!? [faints like Huggins. Laney looks at the rest of her sister and they shrug]


	52. ORIGINAL EPISODE: Identity Crisis

**And now without further ado, I give you my very first original episode. Inspired by a review from TakeBackTheFalls who complained that my character is a bit of a Mary Sue. To those of you who also think that, this episode should put that rumor to rest. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Identity Crisis**

It was a normal day in the Loud House. Well as normal as it gets anyway. Laney was in the living room attending to her book.

Laney: (humming) Nothing like nice read on a quiet sunday- (Laney was interrupted by Lola and Lana arguing)

Lola: You will give that dollar to me!

Lana: Uh uh! I found it first!

Lola: Age before beauty.

Lana: We're the same age!

Laney: *Sighs* So much for quiet. (Walks over to the situation)

Lynn Sr.: Kids, you should learn to share money by now. It's 10 bucks, there's plenty.

Lola: Plenty for me!

Lana: No! me! (Lola and Lana are tugging on the dollar until Laney grabbed it from them)

Lola and Lana: Hey! Give that back!

(Laney pulls out a pocket wallet and give two five dollars and gives them to each of the twins)

Laney: There you go. 10 dollars, 5 each.

(Lola and Lana smiled for a moment until they notice that their dad is giving affection to Laney)

Lynn Sr.: I knew that pocket wallet would come in handy! *pats Laney's head* I don't know what i'd do without you, Laney.

Laney: You're welcome, dad. (Lola and Lana scowled at her)

(Later, Lynn was playing soccer with her mom outside. Laney was by the tree watching them play)

Lynn: *seen kicking a soccer ball around* Here comes Lynn-sanity Loud with her famous Roadkill Kick! (Rita is seen by the goal being the goalie)

Rita: Just because I'm your mother, don't expect me to go easy on you!

Lynn: Alright! You've asked for it! (Lynn kicks the ball and as it got close to the goal, Rita jumps in and catches the ball and slides down on the grass)

Rita: (stands up) Denied!

Lynn: No mom, that's basketball. (Notices her mom wincing) Mom, are you okay?

Rita: Yeah sweetie, just skinned my knee a bit. (There was a torn hole in Rita's pants that showed the bruise on her knee)

Laney: Oh my!

Lynn: Don't worry. I'll got get you some ice. (Runs off to gets some ice. Seconds later) 'Kay mom, I couldn't find some ice. (Holds out a bag of frozen peas) But I did find some frozen peas. It should the since it's… (Lynn stopped and saw that Laney is already caring to Rita's wound)

Laney: *sticks a bandage on Rita's knee* There you go mom. All better.

Rita: Gee thanks, Laney. *gives Laney a kiss on the cheek* I don't know what's I'd do without you. (Lynn growls at Laney getting the attention from mom)

(Later, Laney was sitting on her bed reading her book)

Laney: (thoughts) _Maybe now I can return to my peace and quiet…_ *hears Lily crying* _Maybe not._

(In Lily's room)

Rita: What's the matter sweetie? Hungry? Tired?

Lynn Sr.: Need a diaper change?

Lori: I don't know what's happening. She literally started crying and I don't know why. (Laney walks in)

Laney: What's wrong?

Lori: Laney! Thank goodness! You can help calm her down! *Hands her Lily*

Laney: What is it Lily? (Lily tries to reach for something) You want something? (She looks at where Lily's trying to reach, which is her blanket on Lisa's table) Oh. You just want your blankie. (Walks over to Lisa's table and grabs Lily's blanket and gives it to her)

Lily: (Stops crying and giggles)

Lori: Oh thank you Laney. Now I can... (Stops when she sees her parents giving affection to Laney)

Lynn Sr.: Laney, you are on a roll today!

Rita: I don't know what we do without you.

Laney: It's nothing. I'm just trying to help. (Lori looked on annoyed)

(That night, Laney was heading off to bed)

Laney: Boy! It's exhausted. It sure doesn't get any easier controlling the chaos that is my family. (Reaches upstairs to the hallway) But it's worth it to see everyone happy for what I do for them.

Just then, Laney overhears an unflattering conversation in Lori's room.

Lori: *offscreen* I am getting sick and tired of Laney always being the center of attention!

Laney: Center of attention? *goes in closer*

Lori: She thinks she's so perfect just because she has the answer to every problem! That doesn't give her the right to steal mom and dad from us!

Laney: What? I'm not trying to steal mom and dad! I was just helping out! Okay, Laney. It's just Lori. I'm sure it's not a big deal.

She thought wrong, she then Lynn talking about her too.

Lynn: *offscreen* Who does Laney think she is? I totally got it handled until that girl stole my thunder!

Laney: Is this what everyone thinks of me? Some kind of Mary Sue. A jerk who's better than everyone? That's not me at all… (Overhears Lola and Lana)

Lola: *offscreen* That's exactly what she is, Lana! (Laney walks closer to listen)

Lana: Don't say that, Lols. Sure she's hogging mom and dad, but she helped us out a lot.

Lola: I know, Lans. It's just that I would love her even more if she wasn't much of a suckup!

Laney drooped to the floor as she heard everything her sisters said behind her back. She knew that she wasn't trying to be a suckup nor she didn't mean to be her parents' center of attention. She was just prepairing for every disater that happens at her home. But still, is this what everyone thinks of her? Just then Lisa was walking to her room when she saw her saddened sister.

Lisa: Something troubling you, dear sister?

Laney: Lisa? Do you think I'm a "Mary Sue"?

Lisa: Laney, whatever made you say that?

Laney: Well, I've heard everyone say that I'm so perfect and always the hero. So much, I've taken so much attention from mom and dad. But I'm not perfect and they know that! I just wish there was some way I can change my personality so that my siblings wouldn't complain so much...

Lisa: Hmmm. As a matter of fact, Laney. There is a way you can phisically alter your behavior.

Laney: There is?

Lisa: Yes, if you follow me to my room. (Laney follows Lisa to her room. Segue to Lisa holding a tech-lke helmet) Behold! The Person-O-Helmet. (Puts it on Laney's head) All you have to do is push that button. *points to a flashy red button on the center of the helmet) And the helmet will send neuron energy into your brain, inputing you to change the way you act into what or who you want to be.

Laney: Will it hurt?

Lisa: No. Not at all. Hopefully... Now, what would you like your personality to be?

Laney: Well, if my siblings think I'm so good. Maybe I should be bad! *gulps* Here goes...

And with that, Laney presses the button and the helmet immeadiately started to work it's magic. As her eyes started to flash and she started to change. The other Louds were not prepared of what's to come tomorrrow.

The very next morning, as the kids wake up and walked to the kitchen they notice that they were missing someone...

Lincoln: Hey, where's Laney? It's not like her to miss breakfast.

Luan: In fact she's usually the first one down here.

Luna: Maybe she's sleepin' in. You know how lazy sundays are.

Lincoln: Hey Laney! Come down here! You're missing breakfast!

Laney: *offscreen* You're not the boss of me!

Lincoln: What?

Laney came downstairs and all of the kids were shocked to see her. Instead of her usual outfit, Laney was wearing a flaming skull t-shirt with no scarf showing her scar, fingerless gloves, purple frosted tips in her bang, spike wristbands, and purple mascara.

Lincoln: L-L-Laney?

Leni: You look different this morning... Did you get new shoes?

Laney: What's it to you, dumb blonde? (The siblings gasp at this. Laney walks toward the fridge and grabs a carton of milk and heads to the table)

Lori: Laney! How can you say that to your sister!? *Laney drinks milk from the carton*

Laney: *burps* I'm just telling the truth. Dumb blonde! (Lori got furious and tried to attack Laney but her sisters hold her back)

Lori: I'll show you dumb blonde!

Laney: Whatever. I'm outta here. *walks away*

Lincoln: Guys this isn't right. Laney isn't used to acting this mean. What happened to her?

Lisa: I believe i can answer that. (Lisa walks in) Last night, Laney heard you all complain about Laney's personality. (The siblings murmur in regret)

Lola: Darn right we did! *Lana nudges her*

Lincoln: Well, is there anyway we can change her back?

Lucy: I don't know. I kinda like her new look.

Lisa: Of course, just get Laney to make her change her mind and press the button on the helmet. (Lincoln walks up to Laney who is spraying grafiti on the wall)

Lincoln: Laney. I know you're mad that we said stuff about you being perfect. But that doesn't mean you can take it this far.

Laney: Oh! So now you don't like me being bad?

Lincoln: We're just saying you need to change back to your brighter personality.

Laney: *Throws away the can* You want bright!? I'll give you bright! Gimme that stupid helmet! (Snatches the Person-O-Helmet from Lisa, puts it on and pushes the button. Her eyes began to flash and she spun around until she's back to her regular outfit)

Lincoln: Laney? Are you okay? *Laney brings all of her siblings in for one big hug*

Laney: *estatic* I'm better than okay oh bestest brother in the whole wide world! Now I have a more bright and bubbly personality! I'm a happy as can be!

Lori: At least she's not calling me a dumb blonde.

Lincoln: Maybe this personality won't much of a problem.

Lucy: I miss bad Laney already.

Later, Lynn was playing hacky sack outside when Laney happily skipped to her.

Laney: Hey, Lynn. Watcha doin?

Lynn: Uh, playing hacky sack wanna play?

Laney: Sure! (Laney started to kick around the hacky sack faster than Lynn. Soon the hacky sack was tossed up into the sky) Wow! That was fun! What do you wanna play next?

Lynn: Uhhh... I'll just go play on without you that cool.. *dashes off*

Laney: Okay! Bye Lynn!

(Later Lori was in her room going through her dresser)

Lori: I can't believe Bobby's taking me out to dinner tonight! Now what can I wear that will totally woo my Boo Boo Bear? *Hears a knock at her door* Yes? *Laney comes in*

Laney: Hi, big sister!

Lori: Oh... Hello Laney.

Laney: I was walking upstairs when I found out you need a new dress. So, I made you this! (Pulls out a polka dotted sweater, Lori was apalled by the sight of it)

Lori: Um... Thanks Laney.

Laney: Go ahead. Put it on! (Lori puts on to her dismay, and she starts to itch)

Lori: Ugh! What did you made this out of?

Laney: It's mostly part of my old costumes in my chest. I'm so glad you like it! Wait here! I'll go get the necklace that will go great with this! *skips off happily* *Lori groans*

(Later, Luna was plaing her guitar in her room. Before Laney jumps in playing her sax louder than Luna)

Luna: Uh, Lanes? What are ya doing?

Laney: Jammin'! Just like you. (Continues to play the sax as Luna sighs and leaves. Then, in Lola's room. Lola was brushing her hair)

Lola: Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest one of all?

Laney: *walks in* Hey, Lola. Nice hair!

Lola: Why thank you, Laney. I always brush it to keep it nice and soft.

Laney: Ooh! In that case I can make your hair much prettier!

Lola: You can't improve on perfection, Laney. Then again... Heh heh, you are willing to try.

Laney grabs Lola's hairbrush and some scissors then began to work on her hair in a flash. She made into many odd styles.

(Laney makes Lola's hair to a big fuzzy afro)

Lola: *shocked* AHH!

Laney: Too groovy. (She then changes Lola's hair into a big beehve)

Lola: AGH!

Laney: Too retro. (She then styles Lola's hair then uses a small scrunchie to make it into a big ponytail) Too perfect!

Lola: A- *she then takes a good look at her hairdo* Hey, this ain't half bad.

Laney: You're welcome! Well, gotta go! (Laney walks out but was stopped when she sees the rest of her sisters blocking her way)

Lincoln: Laney, we need to talk about your beavior.

Laney: Oh! So did you guys like my new happy self?

Luan: Happy? More like crazy!

Lynn: Yeah! You played too rough. And that's my thing!

Lori: *holds out the sweater* And the sweater you made me literally gave me a rash!

Luna: And you're jazz ain't exactly smooth, brah. *Laney's smile starts to fade*

Laney: But... I thought you want me to be brighter. I thought you wanted my personality.

Lincoln: Laney, the only personality we want is yours. We want you to be you again. Right guys. (The sibling murmur in agreement then Lisa walks in to put the Person-O-Helmet on Laney's head)

Lisa: I have re-calibrated the Person-O-Helmet to rest personalities. All I have to is press this button and-

Lola: Oh no you don't! She's my personal hairstylist! (grabs the helmet and the other kids grab it at the other end to stop her from taking it off Laney. From each end the kids tugged and tugged the helmet until it as pulled off of Laney, tossed up into the air, then landed on Laney's head. She falls down to the floor)

Leni: Oh my gosh! Laney!

Lana: Are you okay?

Lynn: Quick! How many fingers? *holds out three fingers*

Laney: T-T-T-Three...

Lori: She's okay!

Laney: *gets up and rubs her head* Oh.. my head... what happened?

Lincoln: Laney? Are you... you?

Laney: I think so. But does it matter. You all think I'm too perfect to even be in this family.

Lana: She's back, alright.

Lori: Laney, don't blame yourself. It was our fault. We're sorry we ever complained about your perfect personality.

Luan: You have done so much for this family and we should've been more grateful.

Luna: We just got jealous that you were hogging mom and dad.

Laney: Guys, I never was trying to get any attention from mom and dad. I was just trying to help. In a family this big, you can't predict what's gonna happen. I was just trying to prepare for it. Heck, even I have my flaws. Every time I don't have the answer to a sibling dispute or other problems in this house. I go into a Clyde-like computer error state. It's embarrasing!

Lincoln: Well guys, I think we learned a valuable lesson today. You can't change the way you are. (The sisters agree)

Laney: But if you want, I'll try not to be the ruthless hero all the time.

Lori: That's all we needed to hear. *The siblings gathered and hug Laney*

Laney: Come on guys. Let's go get some snacks! I have this great recipe for chocolate eclairs! (As the sisters leave, Lisa grabs the helmet)

Lisa: Well, Person-O-Helmet. Back to my room you go. (notices something on the back of the helmet) Huh, odd, theres a wire unpugged. (Plugs in wire and the helmet activates) Wait, that means the helmet has been off the whole time. If that's true, then how did Laney... (Looks outside and sees Laney walk downstairs to the kitchen. Lisa smirks) Hm. I guess there is more to Laney then we thought.


	53. Out of the Picture

**Out of the Picture**

[The school bell rings]

First impressions are very important, especially for Laney. Because today she begins her first day in Royal Woods elementary. Just in time for...

Laney: Picture day! [Laney looks up at the sign that says "SMILE! IT'S PICTURE DAY!] What better way to start school than to let everyone know who you are! I don't see how anyone could not be happy about this. [She then bumps into Coach Pachowski]

Coach Pacowski: Hey! Watch where your going!

Laney: Oh, sorry mister. I've just transferred from North Hazeltucky Elementary.

Coach Pachowski: Oh yeah, your one of the Loud kids aren't ya. [groans] Let's go get your picture taken. [grumbles as she takes Laney to take her picture taken.]

[Later at the gym, Pachowski was preparing to take Laney's picture]

Coach Pachowski: Okay, smile. [Coach stops and looks at Laney who's styling her hair] What are you doing?

Laney: Figuring out which hairstyle is perfect for this picture. What do you think of ponytails? [Laney changes her hair into ponytails. Coach facepalms] Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making this difficult? [Takes off the ponytails and puts back her original style] I promise I'll stay still while you take the picture. [Coach sighs and takes the picture]

[Cut to Laney walking down the hallway and looks at her picture]

Laney: Wow, Pachowski did a great picture of me. Didn't seem so happy to take it though. Oh well, the stress of picture day gets to all of us. [She stops when she sees Lincoln and Clyde dressed in powdered wigs and muumuus get kicked out of chess club] My point exactly...

Lincoln: No biggie. There's more than one group photo in the yearbook.

Laney: Why are you guys trying so hard to get in the yearbook anyway.

Clyde: So we won't be the forgotten men of Royal Woods Elementary.

Laney: What are you guys talking about?

Lincoln: There's this dude named Manny Malach who got one photo in the yearbook and nobody saw it. Now he lives behind Liam's barn. [Laney's eyes widened]

Laney: All because he has one photo... [Lincoln and Clyde nod]

That very thought filled Laney with fear. She doesn't want to be forgotten, especially after all she has acheived. Laney took one look at the photo that was going in the yearbook and crumpled it up knowing she can do better.

Laney: I can't let that happen to me.

Lincoln: Then follow our lead, Lanes. We got a plan that's guaranteed to put us all in that yearbook.

Laney: I'm with you all the way! [Wipe to Laney wearing a chess piece costume like Lincoln and Clyde] Me and my big mouth.

Lincoln: Come on, Laney. You want to be remembered do you?

Laney: Yes, but this isn't what I have in mind. [Tries to walk around in her costume] I can barely move my arms in this thing!

Lincoln: Don't worry, Laney. You don't have to wear it for long. Get ready to be remembered.

Coach Pacowski: [operating the camera] Okay, everyone, get ready.

[The three hop over to the frame given the way their costumes are fitted]

Clyde: Don't mind us. Just two Chess guys coming through. Why is no one else dressed for Chess?

Lincoln: Not everyone has our commitment.

Laney: I can't imagine why.

[They hop right into a chess board and knock it over.]

Lincoln, Clyde, and Laney: Oops.

[The Chess Club members beat them up and the camera shoots the fight cloud.]

Lincoln, Clyde, and Laney: [kicked out] Aah! [bouncing] Oof. [stop]

Lincoln: Well, shoot.

Laney: [sighs] Maybe it's for the best. [takes off the costume] I don't even like chess anyway.

Clyde: What else we got?

[Cut to the storage closet's door.]

Laney [behind the door]: I don't know, Lincoln. This outfit isn't me.

Lincoln: [behind the door] Okay, not my first choice, but we're desperate.

[They come out dressed as undertakers.]

Lincoln and Clyde: Morticians Club! [get into position] We're in!

Lucy: [off-camera] No you're not. [appears on-screen as Lincoln, Clyde, and Laney yelp at her sudden appearance.] You guys are not part of this club.

Laney: Don't look at me. It was their idea. [points to Lincoln and Clyde]

Haiku: [off-screen] Hold on, Lucy. [appears on-screen as Lincoln, Clyde, and Laney yelp at her sudden appearance.] We can always use some more bodies.

Laney: What do you mean by...[gulps] bodies?

Coach Pacowski: [working the camera] Okay, smile or whatever.

[Laney, Lincoln, and Clyde smile, but three members close their caskets on them and leave them out of the shot.]

Lincoln and Clyde: Oh, come on!

[The club members strike a gloomy pose and the photo is taken.]

[The three were walking out of school]

Laney: It's hopeless, guys. We'll never get remembered now.

Lincoln: She's right, group photos are over, and we're in exactly zero of them.

Clyde: We might as well go join Matty Malach behind Liam's barn.

Lincoln: I thought it was Manny Malach.

Lola: [off-screen] THANKS FOR NOTHING! [to Lincoln and Clyde] Coach Pacowski wouldn't switch out my photo. He says he's too "overworked". THEN HIRE MORE STAFF, DODO BRAIN! [storms off]

Lincoln: [inspired] Hire more staff! guys, that's our in!

[They go to the Yearbook Office.]

Clyde: Operation Get Coach To Hire Us So We Can Edit Ourselves Into Yearbook Photos is a go!

Laney: Edit? Isn't that cheating.

Lincoln: Not if you don't want to be forgotten. Now, remember. We gotta stay strong.

Clyde: Right. We're not taking "no" for an answer.

Coach Pacowski: [opens the door] You two! I need yearbook staff now. And I'm not taking 'no' for an answer!

Clyde: Oh yeah? We're not taking 'no' for an answer either!

Lincoln: Clyde, he just hired us for the yearbook.

Clyde: Ah.

[The coach pulls them into the office and closes the door while showing them the works.]

Coach Pacowski: Eh, the yearbook needs to go to the printer by the end of the week. You two work on captions. I have to go check if the school hamster's name is Skippy with a "y" or an "ie". [leaves]

[The boys highfive]

Clyde: Mission accomplished.

Lincoln: Wait. That was only Operation Get Coach To Hire Us So We Can Edit Ourselves Into The Yearbook Photos. Now we actually have to work ourselves into the photos.

Laney: How do we do that?

Lincoln: Computer magic, my dear sister. Clyde. Grab the yearbook file.

[Enter Lola with a basket of muffins]

Lola: [sweetly bribing] Oh, Coach Pacowski, I brought you some muffins! [notices the boys in the office] Linky? Laney? What are you two doing here?

Lincoln: Uh, Clyde, Laney, and I joined the yearbook staff.

Lola: [gasps] This is great. [tosses muffin basket aside] I don't even need that dodo brain anymore. [holds out a pink flash drive with a heart on it.] You guys can switch out my photo! It's right here, on this cute little flash drive.

Lincoln: [takes the flash drive] We'll take care of it.

Lola: Thanks, Linky! [drops something on her way out] Oops.

Lincoln: [picks up what Lola dropped] Coach Pacowski: A Man With Many Secrets. What's this?

Lola: That was in case the muffins didn't work. [takes it back] I'll just save this for the next time I wanna get out of Dodgeball. [leaves the office and the boys speech]

[Back home, Lincoln and Clyde are getting ready to insert themselves into the photos.]

Lincoln: Now look. All we gotta do is copy these handsome dudes, and this lovely lady, grab a photo from the yearbook file and paste them here. [does a step-by-step procedure on a photo while he explains.]

Clyde: Mission accomplished!

Laney: I don't think it is. I don't want to be remembered as part of the math club.

Lincoln: She's got a point. Besides, how many people really look at the Math Club photo?

Clyde: Only these eggheads, probably. Maybe their parents.

Lincoln: Maybe we should put ourselves in a few more pictures. Just to be safe.

Laney: [stops them] No way! Editing us into the yearbook is not how I want to be remembered. And I refuse to let you two continue.

Lincoln: Not even if we put you in the Art Club? [Drags Laney's picture into the art club photo]

Laney: Put me in! Put me in! [Lincoln and Clyde smirked at each other]

[Much time passes and it's now night as they finish up.]

Lincoln: There. That should ensure that we're remembered by animal lovers, jocks, band kids, theater geeks, techies, and the lunch ladies. [shows off aforementioned photos]

Clyde: Now it's mission accomplished.

Lincoln: [taking out the flash drive] Our immortality rests softly on this little flash drive.

Clyde: Clincoln McCloud forever!

[Enter Lola]

Lola: [cheerful] There they are! My heroes! [runs up and hugs them] Thank you so much for switch my photo. Can you imagine if that horrid shot made it in there? My pageant career would have been over! And with it, all my hopes...my dreams...and reason to live! [goes upstairs after such a dramatic performance.]

Laney: Man, that was dramatic.

Lincoln: Let's get to the school and upload these pictures!

[The school's yearbook office. The boys enter and find their other staff member there.]

Lincoln: Coach? Uh, what are you doing here so late?

Coach Pacowski: Last minute change. Yearbook has to be done tonight. Like I had nothing better to do.

Lincoln and Clyde: [shocked] Tonight?! But we have a-

Coach Pacowski: Tough toenails! I already hit send! Just waiting for it to upload. [shows the slow upload progress from 40% to 45%]

Lincoln: Guys, we have to get him away from that computer.

Coach Pacowski: [disgruntled] "if you're gonna stick me with the dang yearbook job, how about giving me some equipment from this century?" [smacks the computer with his hat]

Clyde: I think I got this. [walks up to the coach] Coach, you seem to be dealing with some anger issues. I have nine years of therapy under my belt. Do you want someone to talk to?

Coach Pacowski: [breaking down] Yes!

Clyde: Let's go somewhere quieter. [He and Laney push him into his office]

Lincoln: [dashes to the computer] Okay, gotta work fast. [cancels the initial upload] And now, time to upload. [holds up both flash drives] Oh. Plenty of time. [puts his into the USB slot] Open, select all, grab and re-upload our pics. [does so only to endure the slow upload speed] Uh! This thing is slow! Now I see why Coach wears a hat. [grabs a hat and smacks the computer with it]

Coach Pacowski: [in his office with Clyde and Laney] You think I wanted to be a gym teacher? My real passion was Irish step dance. But my father told me with my fallen arches, I was kidding myself. [sobs] Oh, sorry.

Laney: [Consoles Coach] It's okay, let it all out.

Clyde: [writing that down] Interesting. And how did that make you feel?

Lincoln: [impatient] Uh, come on, come on! We need more time!

Coach Pacowski: So I said, "It's my life, Dad. I'll do what I want!" But Mom was like "Listen to your father." But did I listen to him? Well, I'm here, aren't I? Trying to get a yearbook out at 10:00 PM. All these years, I could have been Irish step dancing! But here I am. My dancing career is over! And with it, my hopes, my dreams, and my reason to live!

[Lincoln overhears it and starts to feel a little guilty.]

Laney: Well, coach. I may not have a cure for your acrhes, but one thing I know, Is that it's never too late to follow your dreams. [Coach smiled at that]

Coach Pachowski: Wow, thanks for the pep talk kid. Anywho, I'd better check on that progress bar.

Clyde: [stops him] Wait, Coach! I think we're really close to a breakthrough!

[Lincoln starts working at breakneck speed to finish his task.]

Coach Pacowski: Quit tailgating me, McBride. I got a yearbook to get out. [steps out of the office and takes Lincoln's place] Now, where did I leave off?

Clyde: Did you do it?

Lincoln: Well, I did...

Coach Pacowski: IT'S STILL LOADING?! [sees it's only halfway finished] Huh. Normally, I'd be very angry about this. Oh. Thanks, McBride.

[Clyde smiles to the coach while Lincoln turns away with a despondent look on his face.]

 **THREE WEEKS LATER...**

[Coach Pacowski is handing out the yearbooks.]

Clyde I can't wait to see all of our thousands of photos. Clincoln McCloud forever!

Laney: Yeah, and I guess I can settle for being in every club in school... Even though that's not how I want to be remembered.

Lincoln: [guiltily] Well, guys, I've had something that I've needed to tell you. It's been eating at me for three weeks. There just wasn't enough time to-

[Enter Lola]

Lola: [sweetly grateful] Linky, you're the best brother ever! Oh, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you! [normally] You too, Clyde. And, you Laney. [opens the book] My pageant career is saved. And I owe it all to you! [shows them the replacement photo in her spot]

Clyde: Yep. [takes the book and looks through it] We're all immortalized in...wait. Where are all of our pictures?

Lincoln: Well, that's what I wanted to tell you.

[Flashback to last night]

Lincoln: [narrating] When you and Laney were distracting Coach P, I remembered how much Lola's pageant career means to her. And, well, I had to make a choice. [Flashback Lincoln switches out his drive for Lola's.] At the last minute, I stopped copying our files and made the switch for Lola instead.

Flashback Pacowski: Now, where'd I leave off?

[End flashback]

Lincoln: Sorry, pal.

Clyde: But we'll be forgotten.

Lola: [takes her book back] Guys, what you did means everything to me. I know I may act like a little crazy-pants sometimes, but...I'll never forget you for this. [hugs them and they hug back] Never ever. [walks away]

Laney: [smiles as she looks at the yearbook] Hm. Now that I've seen what we done, this little photo doesn't seem so bad after all.

Clyde: Well, that's one way to keep from being forgotten. Even if we'll be living with the chickens like Mindy Malach.

Lincoln: I thought it was Marshall.

Rusty: Hey, you guys made it into the yearbook.

Lincoln and Clyde: [surprised] Whaaaaat?

Zach: Coach blew it, though. Check it out [shows a mash-up photo, one half Lincoln and one half Clyde for the yearbook staff.] You're in the crease.

Clyde: Yearbook staff photo? I...can't believe it!

Lincoln: It's...it's...

Lincoln and Clyde: Clincoln McCloud forever! [start Irish step dancing]

Lincoln: We're famous!

Clyde: Sweet immortality!

Coach Pacowski: Make way, boys! [pushes Rusty, Zach, and Liam aside and joins Lincoln and Clyde in their dance.] See? It's never too late to follow your passion!

[An iris is about to close on them until Coach Pacowski sprains his leg.]

Coach Pacowski: [in pain] Ooh! My arches.

[The iris closes completely]


	54. Making the Grade

**Making The Grade**

[The elementary school. The bell rings, and Lincoln enters Mrs. Johnson's class.]

Lincoln: Lincoln Loud in the house! [passes by his classmates as they give him a high-five each.]

Rusty: Oh yeah!

Zach: L-Train pulling into the station!

Liam: Howdy, Loudy!

Clyde: Saved your seat, buddy.

Lincoln: [sits down and sighs; to the viewers] Fifth grade. After half a decade with these guys, I really feel like I'm part of the gang. Yep. Life is pretty good.

Mrs. Johnson: Attention, class. I'd like to introduce our new students: Lincoln's little sisters, Lisa and Laney Loud.

[Lincoln gasps]

Mrs. Johnson: Laney, you can have a seat by Lisa. Lisa, why don't you sit next to your brother? Clyde, you don't mind moving, do you?

Clyde: [heartbroken] Of course not. [blubbers and calls Dr. Lopez.] Hello, Dr. Lopez? Do you have any openings this week? I'm having trouble accepting change again.

[Clyde leaves his desk which Lisa now occupies.]

Lincoln: [upset] Laney, I can understand that you go to this school now. But Lisa? What's going on?

Lisa: I asked to be transferred here because kindergarten is a complete waste of my time.

[Flashback to Lisa's last kindergarten class.]

Ms. Shrinivas: [showing her students a book about monkeys.] There are two boy monkeys and three girl monkeys. How many are there total? Let's count together.

Ms. Shrinivas and students: One monkey, two monkeys-

Lisa: [interrupting off-screen] Five!

[It's shown that she's working on some chemicals at the play table.]

Ms. Shrinivas and students: [resume] Three monkeys, four monkeys-

Lisa: [interrupting again] For the love of Pythagoras, it's five!

Ms. Shrinivas: Lisa, you seem a little cranky. How about we all take a nap?

Students: YAY!

Lisa: No time for that. I'm this close to synthesizing an antidote for streptococcal pharyngitis; street name: Strep Throat.

Ms. Shrinivas: [drags Lisa with a pillow.] You can play more later, sweetie.

[End flashback]

Lincoln: Okay, kindergarten's not challenging you, but why do you have to come to my class?

Lisa: I wanted to go straight to med school, but that dunderhead in the principal's office said fifth grade was the best he could offer.

Lincoln: Well, what about you Laney? Why are you here?

Laney: Well, since I became part of North Hazeltucky school tranfer program, I've wished I could be more close to my younger siblings. That and this and Art, are the only classes suited for me.

Lincoln: Fine. Just try not to rock the boat, okay?

Laney: I promise. But, I'm not so sure about her though. [Points to Lisa]

Mrs. Johnson: [writing on the board] Okay, class, you should have read up to chapter 12 of your world history books. Lisa, Laney, since you're new, I don't expect you to have-

[Lisa reads the book instantaneously.]

Lisa: Done. Interesting read, if a bit light on indigenous cultures.

Laney: Um... I've gone through the table of contents?

Mrs. Johnson: Wow! If a former kindergartener can read the whole book this quickly, I expect all of you to do the same. By tomorrow.

[The rest of the class groans.]

Lisa: If you want us to retain the information, I suggest a pop quiz.

Mrs. Johnson: Agreed!

[The class groans again and Lincoln facepalms.]

[Later]

Mrs. Johnson: Okay, class, time to present your robotics projects.

[The students get out their projects.]

Mrs. Johnson: Lisa, Laney, it's okay if you two wanna sit this out.

Laney: Okay, Mrs. Johnson.

Lisa: Give me a moment. [runs off and comes back with a robot she constructed.] Say hello to Todd. He's fluent in over 600 languages.

Todd: HOLA. BONJOUR. GUTEN TAG. GOODBYE. [blasts the other projects with laser vision.]

Lisa: Oh, and he destroys anything inferior to him.

[The students groan again.]

While the other students in Lincoln's classroom were not finding Lincoln's genius sister easy to be around. Laney was trying her very best not to be any trouble. Later, during lunch in the cafeteria, Laney was surprised to see her brother Lincoln sitting in an unsanitary and dirty table.

[Laney walks up to Lincoln sitting in the sticky table]

Laney: Goodness, Lincoln! What are you doing having lunch on this unsanitary table?

Lincoln: It's the sticky table Laney, my friends sent me here.

Laney: What kind of friends are they to put you in this disgusting table? [Laney picks Lincoln up and cleans his seat with a disenfected wipe]

Lincoln: The kind of friends who dislike the fact that my sister is ruining everything in class.

Laney: [gasps] You're not talking about me, are you?

Lincoln: Oh! No no, not you Laney. I'm talking about Lisa. [Points to Lisa eating her lunch at another table]

Laney: She can't help it if she's smart. It's what she is.

Lincoln: Yeah? Well everyone thinks it'll be better if she wasn't smart.

Laney: Look, if it makes you feel any better, how about we go talk to her after school.

Lincoln: [sighs] Okay. [bell rings and Lincoln tries to leave the table but his hands got stuck] Uh, little help?

[The Loud House: Lisa and Lily's room. Lincoln knocks on the door frame.]

Lisa: Lincoln, Laney, enter. I'm just drafting a proposal to eliminate recess.

Lincoln: That's exactly what I need to talk to you about. You're acting way too smart in class. It's annoying everyone, and they're taking it out on me. Could you please just try and act like an average kid?

Lisa: That's like asking a sea cucumber to act like a cephalopod. [Lincoln has a blank stare to that response with crickets chirping.]

Laney: She means it's impossible.

Lisa: Looks like someone did her science homework.

Lincoln: Lisa, please. Thanks to you, I've been banished to the sticky table. Look at these pants! [shows a milk carton stuck to his butt.]

Laney: [as she removes the milk carton from Lincoln's butt] What my brother is trying to say is that you should try to be more normal. You know, just to fit in at class.

Lisa: I sympathize with your plight, dear siblings, and I suppose that acting average could be a fascinating sociological challenge. Okay, I'll do it.

Lincoln: Thank you. You're the best. [hugs her]

Lisa: [notices something] Grab my saw; I'm stuck to your pants.

[The next day in Mrs. Johnson's class]

Lincoln: Hey, Laney. Where's Lisa?

Laney: Uh. She's coming, but she's trying out a different look today.

Lincoln: How different? [Lisa enters the classroom with her hair done with a hairpin holding it up and she's not wearing her glasses.]

Lisa: Greetings, classmates! It's me, Lisa.

Lincoln: [hardly recognizing her] Whoa. You look so...average.

Lisa: Thank you. I created an algorithm based on the traits of typical fifth graders and reinvented myself accordingly.

Lincoln: Don't you need your glasses?

Lisa: Pshaw. I took care of that.

 **LAST NIGHT**

[Lisa takes off her glasses and blasts herself with an ocular vision surgery laser; end flashback.]

Lisa: Physical appearance was the easy part. Acting average is a far greater challenge, so I invented this baby to keep me honest. [puts some kind of collar around her neck.]

Mrs. Johnson: Okay, class, who can recite the Gettysburg Address?

Lisa: [raises her hand] Four score and- [gets squirted by water from her collar and yelps.] I mean, 85 Elm Street! Get it?

[The kids except Lincoln all laugh and high-five Lisa.]

Mrs. Johnson: Who knows the most common gas in the Earth's atmosphere?

Lisa: [raises hand] Nitrogen! [gets squirted again] Gah! I mean, methane! [toots loudly] Get it?

[Laney plugs her nose as the other kids laugh and high five Lisa again]

Mrs. Johnson: Time for a pop quiz, everyone.

[The kids groan. Lisa pulls out her remote and summons Todd who enters.]

Todd: POP QUIZZES STINK. [blasts the pop quiz sheets into ashes.]

Lisa: I reprogrammed Todd to be average, too.

[The kids all cheer for her.]

[Later in the cafeteria, Laney was walking to a table to eat her lunch]

Laney: Gee, everyone sure is shown a liking to Lisa's new look. Not sure I like that she's forcing to not show her genius self. [sits down] But at least Lincoln's happy, and nothing bad is coming out of it...

Lisa: [offscreen] FOOD FIGHT!

[Soon, everyone in the cafeteria was throwing their lunches at each other. Laney got hit with some of it, leaving her a complete mess]

Laney: [sighs] I spoke too soon...

That night in the Loud House, Laney was washing off the flung food from her hair when she heard the sound of Lisa throwing all of her genius stuff away.

Laney: [comes out of the bathroom to see Lisa throwing her stuff away] What's going on?

Lisa: Meh, just getting rid of all this stupid old science stuff.

Lincoln: You don't have to go that far.

Lisa: Oh, I do. Lincoln, you and Laney have opened my surgically-corrected eyes. Being part of the gang is way more fun than being smart. Say hello to the new Lisa Loud! Street name: L-Dawg! [shows her room now covered in Boyz Will Be Boyz posters.] Have you heard of Boyz Will Be Boyz? They're not quite Stravinsky, but- [gets squirted again] Gah! I mean, they're so cute!

Laney: [Looks at Lincoln concerned] Oh dear. This could only end in disaster from here.

[Enter Luna]

Luna: Dude, you gotta help me cram for my test tomorrow.

Lisa: Sorry, I'm out of the tutoring game.

Luna: Bogus! Since when?

Lisa: Since Lincoln and Laney showed me the joys of being average.

[Luna growls at Lincoln and Laney who smile nervously]

[The next night at dinner, everyone is eating at the dining room table, but Lisa's older sisters suddenly gag and spit out their meal and complain that it wasn't cooked right.]

Lynn Sr.: It's not my fault! The recipe is in metric, and Lisa usually helps me with the conversions.

Lisa: Thanks to Lincoln and Laney, I'm out of the conversion game, except for converting beans to methane. [toots hard enough to make the table bounce.]

[The rest of the sisters growl at Lincoln who gulps nervously and leaves the table.]

[The next day, the kids are riding in Vanzilla when they hear a radio contest.]

Jay Rock: "I've got free passes to the Royal Woods Day Spa for the first caller who can name all three classifications of rocks!"

Lola: Eee! [calls the radio station and gives the phone to Lisa.] LISA, TELL HIM THE ANSWER!

Lisa: Hard rock, soft rock, and indie.

Jay Rock: Uh...no. You lose, baby!

[Lori and Lola look at Lisa dissatisfied.]

Lisa: What? Thanks to Lincoln and Laney, I'm out of the geology game.

[Lincoln an Laney are kicked out of the van with an annoyed look on Lincoln's face. Laney looks on in disdain]

[Back home, the phone rings and Rita answers it.]

Rita: Oh, hi, Dad.[Albert chatters] You've been waiting at the train station for an hour? Oh, my gosh! I am so sorry! Just stay put. I'll be right there. [hangs up]

Leni: Aw, poor Pop-Pop. What happened?

Rita: Well, usually, when Pop-Pop's on a train headed east going 80 miles an hour and he has 230 miles to his destination, Lisa can tell me exactly when he'll arrive.

Lisa: What can I say? I'm out of the algebra game. Right, Lincoln?

[Lincoln gulps nervously while hiding his face with his comic.]

Laney: Well, at least she didn't mention me this time.

Lisa: [offscreen] And I also have to thank Laney for inspiring me for my transformation. [Leni, Lucy, and Luan glared at Laney and she dashed off]

[The next day at school, Lincoln, Laney, and Lisa who is now wearing a leather jacket are waking down the hall when Ms. Shrinivas shows up.]

Ms. Shrinivas: Oh, Lisa! Thank goodness you're here! We need the antidote you were working on.

Lisa: Sorry, Ms. S, I'm out of the disease control game. My big brother here showed me how lame and annoying it is to be an egghead. [walks off] And I am outta here!

Ms. Shrinivas: [angrily to Lincoln] Way to go, buster. Now all my kids have strep throat.

Lincoln: I'm sorry, but I didn't have a choice. If she kept acting like a brain, I was gonna be out of the gang.

Ms. Shrinivas: [sarcastically] Well, as long as it's for a good reason. [slams door]

Lincoln: I was gonna have to sit at the sticky table!

Laney: [smacks her forehead] Oh! That's it! I don't know how much more of this I can take! Lincoln! We have to fix this!

[The other fifth-graders are cheering for cool Lisa while her brother rushes toward her.]

Lincoln: Lisa, you have to go back to being smart!

Lisa: What? And give up all this?

Fifth Graders: [chanting] LISA! LISA! LISA!

Lisa: Not likely.

[Zach's trying to use the water fountain, but it won't turn on. Lisa nudges it and water comes out like normal now.]

Zach: Thanks, L-Dawg!

Lisa: [Fonz impression] Ay!

Lincoln: Lisa, listen to me. Any half-wit can be part of the gang. No offense, Zach. [Zach stares blankly at that last part.] But no one else I know can heal sick people and save dad's cooking and figure out what time Pop-Pop's train is arriving. What I'm trying to say is, the world needs smart Lisa.

Lisa: Flattering words, big brother, but I already bought this leather jacket.

Laney: Please, Lisa. We're sorry we ever suggested you should become average. We should've known we can't change a person. Just like me when I thought no one likes me because they think I'm so perfect. You shouldn't be so much of an average joe! You have to go back to being smart! You have to make that antidote!

Lisa: What about the gang and being part of it?

Lincoln: I'd rather be the one to suffer than a classroom full of kids with strep throat. Man, I can't have that on my conscience.

Lisa: Okay. But if I go back to being smart Lisa, you're getting the whole package, i.e., unabashed superiority and zero tolerance for ignoramuses. It'll probably be back to the sticky table for you.

Lincoln: That's a chance I'm willing to take.

Lisa: You're a good man, Lincoln Loud. As Socrates once quipped- [gets squirted again] YAK! Ah, to heck with this thing! [takes the collar off and tosses it aside.]

Laney: [offscreen] I didn't know Socrates said that.

[Lisa, now back to her old look, is busy working on the antidote.]

[Lisa arrives at kindergarten with the completed antidote and notices all the kids crying, moaning, and whining over their suffering from strep throat.]

Lisa: Line up, no pushing, there's plenty for everyone.

[The cafeteria lunch line]

Lincoln: So, how'd it go this morning?

Lisa: We lost one. [Lincoln and Laney are shocked] I'm kidding! It went fine. All cured.

Lincoln: Good job. Lunch for three at the sticky table?

Laney: No worries, I got more wipes. [Brings out a box of sanitary wipes]

[Lisa nods in acceptance and they head for the sticky table.]

Zach: L-Train and L-Dawg! Park it!

Lincoln: Really?

Lisa: I must give you fair warning, I have reverted to my previous incarnation.

[The gang doesn't get it.]

Lincoln: Smart Lisa's back.

Liam: Smart Lisa's fine by me. My little sissy's in that there kindergarten class.

Rusty: Yeah, and that virus could've spread to all of us. I can't get strep. I've got a date on Friday.

[Lisa and Lincoln sit down with the gang.]

Zach: We're sorry we treated you badly before.

Liam: Our class sure is lucky to have someone with smarts like yours.

Laney: Hm. Guess you don't have to be dumb to fit in.

Rusty: Hey, Laney was it? Wanna sit down with us? There's room for one more.

Laney: Thanks, but no thanks. I'm fine sitting with my own crowd. Besides, I cleaned the sticky table. [Points at the sticky table which is is now as cleaned as a regular table. She leaves]

Lisa: Thanks for your support, guys, but you don't have to worry. I'm going back to kindergarten.

[Clyde suddenly appears]

Clyde: So I can have my seat back? [calls Dr. Lopez] Hello? Dr. Lopez? I don't need that appointment after all.

Lincoln: What about wanting a challenge?

Lisa: Meh. Kindergarten, fifth grade, it's all a snooze fest to me. I'm gonna pursue my own studies either way, and kindergarten does have one major advantage.

[Ms. Shrinivas's kindergarten class]

Ms. Shrinivas: Okay, boys and girls, nap time. Now, Lisa, I know you're not gonna want a nap, but-

Lisa: [in pajamas and a nightcap and holding a pillow.] Are you kidding? After the day I've had, I am bushed. Oh, and by the way, Ms. S, if you attempt to wake me up before my required 45 minutes of REM sleep, you'll have to answer to Todd.

[Todd comes into the room.]

Todd: NAMASTE, MS. SHRINIVAS.

[Ms. Shrinivas has a nervous look on her face.]


	55. Along Came a Sister

**Along Came A Sister**

[The story begins in Mrs. Johnson's class, and there's a spider in a tank that the students are eyeing.]

Lincoln: Hey, Frank.

Classmate: Frank! Over here, buddy!

Clyde: He's so cool!

Mrs. Johnson: Now, before we pack up, I need a volunteer to look after Frank this weekend while I'm out of town.

[The kids all volunteer to look after him, especially Lincoln.]

Lincoln: Come on, please, Mrs. Johnson! Me! Me!

Mrs. Johnson: Lincoln.

Lincoln: Yes!

Clyde: Way to go, Lincoln!

[All the other kids moan in disappointment.]

Mrs. Johnson: Now, Lincoln, this is a major responsibility. Frank needs to be fed twice and under no circumstances should he be let out of his cage. Unlike me this weekend. [chuckles]

[The kids all awkwardly glance at each other over what their teacher meant on that last part and the bell rings.]

Lincoln: Well, see ya Monday, Mrs. Johnson. [grabs Frank's cage and heads home.]

Lincoln: Check it out, Laney! I get to watch over Frank this weekend. Cool, huh? [Laney was uncomfortable as she looks at Frank]

Laney: Yeah that's great, Lincoln... Now do you mind if you put that tank away from me?

Lincoln: What's wrong? Don't like spiders?

Laney: It's not that I don't like them. It's just that they creep me out...

Lincoln: Well, don't worry Laney. I'll be sure to keep it away from you.

[Later, Laney, Lincoln, and Clyde were walking home]

Lincoln: This is gonna be the best weekend ever!

Clyde: I'm not sure your sister Leni will think so. Remember last Halloween?

[Flashback to last Halloween; the doorbell rings.]

Leni: [dressed as a flamingo] I got it! [answers the door to see Clyde in a spider costume.]

Clyde: Trick or tre-

Leni: AAAHH! SPIDER! [sprays bug spray everywhere and runs out the door while trampling Clyde.]

Clyde: I'm all right...

[End flashback]

Clyde: She hid in her room for three weeks.

[Lincoln stops and turns to the viewers.]

Lincoln: If I had to worry about my sisters every time I wanted to do something, I'd never do anything. [to Clyde and Laney] Besides, I have a plan. Stealth mode. [waves his hand in front of his face and changes his expression and sneaks into the house, Laney follows him inside]

Clyde: Now I'm worried.

Later, Laney was in her room trying not to think about the spider. But then she saw Lincoln looking for something outside. She hoped it's not what she's thinks that missing thing is.

Laney: Lincoln? What's going on? [Lincoln was surprised to see her]

Lincoln: Oh! Hey, Laney. I was uh... just... [looks at the magnifying glass he was holding] Playing detective...for a play?

Laney: I didin't know the school had a play about detectives.

Lincoln: Well, there is. And don't want to break character for it so I must go back to reharsing... [walks off]

Laney: Something tells me Lincoln is hiding something. [sees Lincoln run to his room] I better go find out. [finds Lynn standing still]

Lynn: [through clenched teeth] Little help? [Laney carries Lynn to Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: [frantic] Crud, crud, crud!

[The others open the door.]

Lori: Alright, Lincoln! You don't wear contacts! What is going on?

Luna: You've been acting even weirder than usual, bro.

Lola: Yeah. There's no way you think Lana is cute.

[Lana picks her nose in agreement and they demand answers.]

Lincoln: Okay, I'll tell you! Well, Frank was looking sluggish, so I took him out of his cage to get a little exercise, and then I turned to get the crickets, and he was gone.

[The girls ramble about Lincoln's idiocy and worry about Leni finding out about Frank;

Laney: Lincoln! Do you know what will happen if Leni finds out about this?

[Leni appears.]

Leni: Find out about what? Oh right! My surprise party! Don't worry. I won't tell me!

[The second she turns around, Frank is shown to be on her back and the others scream in horror and follow them to the kitchen.]

Leni: See? I know nothing. Just making a smoothie. [opens the fridge to get her ingredients.]

[When her back is turned, it's revealed that Frank is gone again; they mutter about the issue at hand and fear what could happen next.]

Leni: Oh, I need milk. [opens the fridge where Frank happens to be on the milk bottle.]

Lisa: Wait! [slams fridge shut] You're lactose intolerant!

Leni: No, I'm not. I'm tolerant of everyone, whether they lack toes or not. [opens the fridge again]

Siblings: NOOOO! [notice Frank's not in that spot anymore.] Huh? [sigh with relief]

Lily: Eee, pider!

[Frank is scurrying across the floor and Luna traps him under a pot; Leni turns around to see what's going on and Luna and Lily pretend to have a jam session by banging pots and pans and utensils together; Leni digs the beat; as she's too distracted by the tune, they look under the pot to see Frank escaped again.]

Leni: So, who wants to try my new recipe? It's curds and... [takes a sip while Lincoln notices Frank on the ceiling light.] ...way, way too much spinach! [her siblings gasp] Ugh! I know! What was I thinking?

[Frank plops right onto her glass.]

Leni: [thinking it's fake] Ha! Nice try, Luan, but I'm not falling for another one of your fake spiders. Though, this one looks pretty real.

[Frank blinks, leading Leni to realize...]

Leni: AAAHH! SPIDER! [busts out the bug spray.]

Siblings: NOOOO!

[Too late; Leni unleashes a massive spray cloud to ensure she got Frank.]

Leni: [running off in fury] WORST SURPRISE PARTY EVER!

[The cloud clears up and Lincoln spots what appears to be Frank's corpse.]

Lincoln: [lamenting] Frank! No-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Lucy: I just wanna say I'm sorry for your loss...and that I'd be honored to serve as funeral director. [holds out a brochure for a business she owns called "Lucy's Lament"] I keep an assortment of caskets on hand. Were you thinking shoebox, or for a little more money, mahogany?

[Lincoln has settled for the shoe box deal, and everyone who does not fear spiders is there to attend Frank's funeral. Clyde arrives with a casserole dish.]

Clyde: Hey, Lincoln. I brought you this casserole. My nana says that there's no greater comfort in times of grief.

Lincoln: Thanks. [sighs] This might as well be my funeral, too. Our whole class is gonna hate me for letting this happen to Frank.

[Everyone, kids and pets, gathers around to pay their respects to Frank.]

Lucy: We are gathered here to mourn the untimely passing of Frank the Tarantula, a pet beloved by all.

Lola: [spiteful] Except Leni!

Lana: The murderer!

Lori: Yeah! This is all Leni's fault!

[The others agree except Lincoln.]

Lincoln: Guys, this isn't Leni's fault. It's mine.

[Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Leni is washing her hands to wash away any and all tracings of Frank.]

Laney: [places her hand on his shoulder] I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I just wish I could've done something. Despite my dislike of spiders.

Leni: Ew! Ew! Ew! [overhears Lincoln]

Lincoln: No, Laney, it's all my fault. I knew Leni was afraid of spiders, but I brought Frank home, anyway. It was a bad idea. I guess I deserve to have my whole class hate me.

[Cliff prematurely coughs up a hairball.]

Lola: Ew! Gross, Cliff! Show some respect!

Lana: [notices something odd] Weird! This hairball looks like Frank! [picks it up]

Lola: Ew! Gross, Lana! Show some respect!

[Lincoln then looks at the hairball and the corpse.]

Lincoln: Because this isn't Frank! It's a hairball, too! Which means...Frank could still be alive!

?: AAAHH! SPIDER!

Lincoln: And it sounds like Leni just found him!

Clyde: Uh, that wasn't Leni. I know that scream.

[Another flashback to last Halloween; Clyde had come to after Leni had mistaken him for a spider and attacked him.]

Clyde: [coughs a little] Oh, hi, Mr. Loud. Trick or tre-

Lynn Sr.: AAAHH! SPIDER! [tramples Clyde and runs after Leni.]

Clyde: I'm all right.

[End flashback]

Luna: [grinning] Dad's afraid of spiders?

[A pest control van pulls up out front.]

Lori: [concerned] And it looks like he's got the exterminator on speed dial!

Kids: Frank!

[The kids watch as the exterminator gets out of his van and notices two caterpillars.]

Exterminator: Oh, hello, cute little caterpillar family. [shots them with bug killer and laughs wickedly.]

Lincoln: It's okay, sir. There's been a misunderstanding. You don't need to kill the spider.

Exterminator: Huh. What are you, a spider hugger? Nobody stops me from getting my spider... [heads into the house to find and kill Frank.]

Lincoln: I gotta go save Frank!

Lynn: [still in her freeze tag pose and through clenched teeth.] We can help!

Clyde: I can help, too!

[They all request Lincoln to let them help him.]

Lincoln: Okay. You guys distract the exterminator while I look for Frank.

[The others head in to do their job, but Lynn is hopping about; Lincoln runs up to her and tags her.]

Lincoln: Unfreeze.

[Lynn now hustles]

[The exterminator begins to look for the spider]

Laney: Help! Mr. Exterminator! [Exterminator runs to the living room]

Exterminator: Where's the spider? [points to the couch and the Exterminator looks under it. He reaches in with his arm and his hand gets snapped by a mousetrap] OW!

Laney: So that's where the mousetraps went. [Exterminator growls]

Luna: [fake screaming] There's a big scary spider in the last room on the right! I hope someone can exterminate this ugly spider!

[The exterminator sprays what looks like a spider and laughs triumphantly, but it turns out to have been one of Luan's fake spiders, making the exterminator flinch.]

Luan: [tauntingly, wearing her Groucho glasses and holding a fishing pole with a fake spider in it.] What's the matter? Afraid of a little rubber spider? [laughs]

Exterminator: I ain't afraid of nothin'.

Lucy: [right behind the exterminator] Excuse me. [the exterminator screams at the sight of her and Luan smiles.] The scary spider went in there. [points to the bathroom]

Exterminator: [checking under the bathroom door.] Hmm... [sniffs]

Lori: [bursts open the door] What are you doing, you weirdo?!

Exterminator: [embarrassed] Oh, well, uh...I-I-I-I-I-I-I didn't...

[Clyde appears in his spider costume from last Halloween.]

Clyde: Roar! I'm a spider. Come and get me! [the exterminator nonchalantly shoves him aside.] I'm all right.

[The twins ensnare the exterminator into a jumprope tangle and high five each other and Lily shoves her pacifier in his mouth; he spits it out in disgust.]

Lisa: Kids. They can be so juvenile. Mouthwash? [shoves the container in his mouth, and when he sloshes it, it's revealed to be a little spicy.] My special ghost pepper formula. The tingle means it's working. [Enter Lincoln]

Lincoln: Frank's not downstairs. So, he must be... [spots him]

Exterminator: [coldly] Upstairs...

[Lincoln tries to save Frank, but the exterminator tangles him with the jump rope and beats him to Frank.]

Exterminator: Ha! I've got you now!

[Frank trembles in fear of his untimely demise.]

Lincoln: [begging] WAIT! STOP! NOOOOOO!

[The exterminator blasts bug killer everywhere, thus dooming Frank; the kids all gasp at his untimely demise, just as the cloud dissipates, someone in a hazmat suit appears.]

Lincoln: Huh?

Exterminator: WHA?!

[The person in the hazmat suit takes off their helmet and reveals to be Leni and it shows she just save Frank.]

Lincoln: [overjoyed] FRANK!

[The other kids cheer.]

Exterminator: [threateningly] Why you...

Leni: [strong-willed] Hold it right there, mister! If you exterminate this spider, you'll exterminate... [pointing to Lincoln] ...this boy's future! Everyone will think he's a spider killer and no one will ever trust him again! Do you really want that on your conscience?

Exterminator: [remorseful] Wow...I never thought of it that way. Lady, you just changed my life.

Lincoln & Leni: Really?

Exterminator: [disdainfully] Of course not, you spider huggers! Exterminator out! Here's my bill. [plants the bill on Clyde's face and leaves.]

Lincoln: Leni! That was amazing! But why?

Leni: I heard what you said at the funeral. And besides, maybe spiders aren't so bad after all. I mean, this one's kinda cute. [second thoughts] No, it's not! Take it! Take it! [gives Frank back and runs off.] Ew ew ew ew ew! It blinked at me!

Laney: Well, one things for sure. My opinion of spiders changed... a little... [looks at the spider and gets a uncomfortable look] Not much.

Lincoln: Let's get you back in your cage, Frank.

Lisa: I always thought Frank was a strange name for a female spider.

Lincoln: Frank's a girl?

Lisa: Mm-hmm. I can tell from the markings. Plus, female spiders always get sluggish before they give birth.

Clyde: Frank's gonna be a mommy?

Sisters: Aw...

[Monday; Frank has now been renamed Frances and all the sisters who are not Leni bid farewell to her.]

Lincoln: I'll miss you, Frank, but I'm glad things are gonna be back to normal around here.

Laney: There's just one thing that's been bugging me all weekend, Lincoln.

Lincoln: What's that?

Laney: If Frank was pregnant, where did she lay all of those eggs?

[In her room, Leni is brushing her hair.]

Leni: 20...21...22...23...

[However, it seems Frances laid her egg sac in the vents; the babies hatch and scurry into Leni's room.]

Leni: AAAAAAAHHHHH! SPIDERS!

Laney: Nevermind...

[Lincoln and Laney have looks on there faces that just read "Uh-oh"]

* * *

 **Now to get this out of the way. For those of you who are complaining about Laney's switch to Lincoln's school, allow me to explain.**

 **First off, I didn't say that North Hazeltucky was the best school, nor did I say it was suited for a gifted artist such as herself. The reason for this transfer was because the principal of North Hazeltucky was looking over Laney's talents and wanted to talk schools that were more suited for her skills. Laney was thrilled and wanted to go to a fancier school. But the best they could offer was Royal Woods Elementary. Though Laney was not pleased she wasn't going to a more gifted school. She was excited to hear she will be closer to Lincoln and her other young siblings. That, and I had this idea for quite a while and knew this is what I needed to spice the story up, as previously stated in the update.**

 **Thank you for listening. For further questions please feel free to PM me. Bye now!**


	56. The Green House

**The Green House**

[In Mrs. Johnson's classroom]

Mrs. Johnson: Okay, class, we're at the halfway point of our energy reduction project. Let's see how you're doing. [checking the students' status] Great. Very good. Ooh! Very impressive, Clyde!

[Clyde's bar is extremely low.]

Clyde: Thanks, Mrs. Johnson. Our house is solar powered, so we don't burn any fossil fuels.

Mrs. Johnson: Wonderful. You're all doing a great job of reducing your eco-footprint at him. And if you keep this up, we'll definitely win the Save a Polar Bear Challenge and get this adorable little guy named after us! [shows her students a poster of a sad polar bear cub with tagline under the photo.]

 **HAVE A HEART, DO YOUR PART**

Students: [with big cooing eyes] Awwwwww...

[However, Mrs. Johnson notices Laney and Lincoln's bar is extremely high. In fact, it's so high, they have to stand on a ladder and go into the room's ceiling to properly display it.]

Mrs. Johnson: [disappointed] Oh, Lincoln, I see you and your sister haven't made any progress. [points to poster] What does this say? Have a heart, do your part. Do you two not care about polar bears?

Lincoln: [muffled from inside the ceiling tile.] No, I don't! I don't hate polar bears! They're awesome!

Mrs. Johnson: [misinterpreting] What's that? You hate polar bears? You're a polar haters?

Laney: [muffled from inside the ceiling tile] No you don't understand. Polar bears are adorable!

Male Student 1: Did you hear that? Laney thinks polar bears are horrible!

[The kids all start booing at Lincoln and Laney.]

Female Student 1: If you and your sister make us lose, Lincoln, you'll be an outcast!

Girl Jordan: You might as well throw your social life out the window.

[The other students boo Lincoln in disagreement.]

[Walking home]

Laney: I've never been booed my entire life, Lincoln. How are we supposed to save engergy when we have 10 wasteful sisters.

Lincoln: I don't know, Laney. But we got to think of something.

Clyde: [while reading a player's book] I know! We'll just swoop in from the left and ANNIHILATE THEM!

Lincoln: What? Annihilate my sisters?

Clyde: Huh? No. I was talking about our strategy for the Swords and Cyborgs online tournament tomorrow. Preparation is key to victory.

Lincoln: Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I'll be ready. But right now, I've got bigger things to deal with. You heard our class: if Laney and I don't get our eco-meters in the green, we'll be social outcasts.

Clyde: I'll still hang out with you. In secret, of course. After dark. Speaking of which, the sun's going down. I better get home before the lights go out. [hurries home]

[Lincoln checks his eco-meter which is all the way in the red.]

Lincoln: Maybe there's something wrong with my eco-meter.

Laney: No there isn't. [points to their house, which is a big energy consuming mess]

Lincoln: [turns to the camera] What can I do? In a family this big, our eco-footprint is a size 18 triple wide. We use a lot of electricity...

[Evidenced by Luna rocking with a ton of amps and Lori gushing over Bobby on a ton of webcams.]

Lori: Bobby, you look so good on all of my devices.

[As well as Luan using the oven to bake pies and hit herself with them.]

Lincoln: ...fossil fuels...

[Evidenced by the twins: Lola driving around in her princess car and Lana shoveling a ton of soil into a furnace to warm up her reptiles.]

Lincoln: ...water...

[Evidenced by Leni running a ton of water in the bathroom sink and the bathtub and Lynn using the hose to fill a giant makeshift pool and freezing it with the freezer.]

Lincoln: ...aerosols...

[Evidenced by Lucy spray painting her whole room pitch-black.]

Lincoln: ...non-biodegradables...

[Evidenced by a huge pile of Lily's dirty diapers.]

Lincoln: ...and did I mention electricity?

[Evidenced by Lisa powering up one of her machines.]

Lincoln: We gotta reduce our eco-footprint. Hopefully, I can get my sisters on board.

Laney: I'm sure it won't be that hard. [However, after they tell them, they all complain and refuse; Luan throws a pie at Lincoln to show her refusal.]

Lincoln: You were saying? [shakes the pie off his face] Or not. Time to pull out the big guns. [shows them the poster of the polar cub and explains in a sorrowful tone.] ...and if we don't all do our part, this adorable little guy won't survive.

[The girls all start sobbing with waterfalls of tears.]

Luna: [sorrowful] But what can we do?

Lincoln: [satisfied with their cooperation] I'm glad you asked. [showing Lori all of her webcams.] You don't need all of these devices.

Lori: Yes I do. Bobby and I like to admire each other from multiple angles.

Bobby: Hey, Lincoln! Hola from France! [stands next to the Mona Lisa.]

Lori: [suspicious] Who is that girl? And why is she smiling at you?

Bobby: Babe, that's the Mona Lisa.

Lincoln: [unplugs webcams] Instead of using all of these, why don't you write Bobby a letter?

Lori: [Threateningly] Why don't I rip your little-

Lincoln: [shows her the poster] Polar bear.

Lori: [gushes] Aww...okay. I'll write him a letter. [irked] And maybe I'll write one to that little flirt Mona, too.

[Laney puts out the fire in the furnace.]

Laney: Sorry, Lana. No more furnaces in the house.

Lana: But how will I keep my reptiles warm? They're cold-blooded, you know.

[Laney thinks for a momentm then she gets an idea. She dresses Lana in a parka and stores all her lizards in there. Lana likes this but finds out one of them is in her mouth; Lisa is powering up her machine and laughing evilly until Lincoln shuts it down.]

Lincoln: "Instead of powering your lab with megawatts of electricity, why not use a renewable resource?"

[Lisa is now using Lily's dirty diapers and it works like a charm.]

Lisa: [gasps with a clothes peg on her nose.] "Lincoln, this is genius!"

Lincoln: [changing another diaper] "Fresh energy, comin' at ya! This one's got to be good for at least 75 watts."

[Leni is about to take a shower, but Lincoln is in there and she shrieks.]

Lincoln: Leni, instead of taking multiple showers a day... [holds up a moist towelette] ...how about using this refreshing moist towelette?

Leni: And clog my pores?! No way! [Lincoln shows her the poster.] Awww...okay. [takes towelette and starts wiping] Do you mind? I'm showering! [closes curtain and continues wiping]

[Luan is baking even more pies.]

Lincoln: Luan, instead of wasting all that energy making more pies, why not get some comedy out of your leftover banana peels? [holds up a peel]

Luan: That old gag? I don't think so.

Lincoln: [shrugs and trips on a peel.] Whoa! [thuds]

Luan: Actually, I'm starting to see the a-peel! [laughs at rimshot]

[Lincoln checks his eco-meter and finds that his house is now in the yellow.]

Lincoln: We're getting there.

Throughout their endeavor, Lincoln and Laney have made their house free of enviromental disasters.

[Lincoln takes away Lucy's aerosol and gives her shades to look at everything darker and she smiles in agreement. Laney turns off Luna's amps and gives her recycled bottles that show blows in for sound. Lincoln pulls the plug on the freezer and cancels Lynn's hockey practice and gives her a surfboard to surf in the pool. Laney trades Lola's gasoline out for a sail to drive in the wind and she takes off. Side by side Laney and Lincoln's meters are still yellow]

Lincoln: Almost there. [dumps the rest of his electronic stuff and finds the meter going green.] WE DID IT!

[The girls cheer]

Lincoln: See what we can accomplish when we all do our part? All we have to do is keep the house in the green until the end of the week, and that polar bear will be safe! [To the viewers] And so will my social life.

Luan: Say it proud! We're green and Loud!

Sisters: SAY IT PROUD! WE'RE GREEN AND LOUD! SAY IT PROUD! WE'RE GREEN AND LOUD! [They leave]

Laney: [shakes Lincoln's hand] Thanks to you, Lincoln, I can not worry about being an outcast.

Lincoln: You're welcome, Laney. Couldn't have done it without you. [Laney leaves]

Clyde: [calling Lincoln on radio] Lincoln! Come in, Lincoln!

Lincoln: [answers] Clyde, I'm not supposed to be talking on this right now. We're reducing our eco-footprint.

Clyde: But it's tournament time. Swords & Cyborgs!

Lincoln: Oh, right. Just let me go get my laptop.

Girls: [off in the distance] YES WE CARE! WE'LL SAVE THE BEAR!

Lincoln: What am I saying? I can't use my laptop! We've finally gone green in the house and I can't mess it up.

Clyde: Well, there's always next year.

Lincoln: No, no, no. I'll make it work. [picks up laptop] One laptop won't make that big of a difference. [tucks it in his pants and scurries off to the basement and plugs it in only to notice his meter go yellow.] Whoops. I gotta get us back in the green.

[Meanwhile, Laney walks into the living room where Lynn and Lucy were watching TV]

Laney: Hello my enviromentally friendly sisters. Mind if I join you for some clean energy TV?

Lucy: You may. [Laney sits on the couch between Lynn and Lucy. Just then, Lincoln turns off the TV]

Lynn: Hey! What the-

Laney: Lincoln, what's going on?

Lincoln: [holds out poster] Remember this guy?

Lucy: Yes. We saved him.

Lincoln: Well, he's got siblings, too. Do you hate siblings? Are you sibling haters?

[Lynn and Laney look on with sorrowful guilt.]

Lucy: Well, I'm starting to.

[Lincoln takes the TV away]

Laney: Don't worry, guys. I'm sure it's all for a good cost.

[Leni picks up the remote and presses the power button.]

Leni: Hey, guys! Our neighborhood's on TV!

[Later, Laney was going to the kitchen to get something to eat. When she sees Lincoln disconnecting the fridge and carrying it with a lift]

Laney: Uh, Lincoln? What are you doing with the fridge?

Lincoln: Uh... Saving more energy? This refridgerator uses up more cooling then the AC.

Laney: Still, is it really that necessary to take the entire fri- [Lincoln shows her the polar bear poster and she gushes. While she's distracted, Lincoln takes the refridgerator downstairs. Laney snaps out of it] Hm. Something seems odd about this. [Leni walks by and goes up to get a refreshing drink, unaware that the fridge is gone, so she's only sipping air.]

Leni: [Sees Laney giving her a confused look] Oh, sorry Lanes. Wanna sip? [offers her the imaginary drink]

While Laney was pondering about what motives Lincoln has planned with all this energy being saved. The boy himself had other plans...

[Lincoln crashes onto the floor and the fridge lands at the base of the stairs.]

Gamer 1: Sweet! Snacks! Let's put it by the air conditioner we found outside!

[They do so and Lincoln looks worried.]

Gamer 2: But if it's not cool, Lincoln, I mean, just say the word.

Lincoln: No, no. Adjustment. [runs around and turns off all the lights in his room and his sisters', tightens up the plumbing, struggles to unhook the washing machine and dryer and just dumps everyone's clothes in the trash.] Can't run the washer if there's nothing to wash. [eventually gets rid of a bunch of other things that could cause his house to go out of the green but still has it in the yellow.] What else is there? [notices his meter and tosses it out and the meter is back in the green]

And with that, Laney was awoken to an awful odor. It wasn't before long before the others found out about Lincoln's gaming plan.

[A foul smell was emitting around Lynn and Lucy's room, waking Laney up]

Laney: Ugh! What is that smell. [She climbs out of her bunk, only to see that neither Lynn or Lucy were in bed. She followed the scent and found her sisters wearing nothing but potato sacks for tops and their feet wrapped around in bandages] Guys? What's going on?

Lori: I can ask you the same question, Laney.

Lynn: Yeah, I bet this has something to do with you and Lincoln's project.

Laney: No. No. You got it all wrong. I have nothing to do with this. [hears Lincoln's video game]

Lola: Then what was that?

Laney: I don't know. But it's coming from the basement. Come on. [The sibling follow Laney to the basement]

[Cut to Lincoln, Clyde, and the co-op players playing their video game with all the house's appliances]

Lincoln: We're in the green! Let's do this! [But just as they're about to play, a foul odor hits the basement.]

Gamer 1: Pee-yew! What stinks?

[Suddenly, the TV goes off and it's revealed that the girls have unplugged it and are standing in nothing but potato sacks for tops and bandages for shoes and stink.]

Lori: GAME OVER, LINCOLN!

Lincoln: [panicking] It's not what it looks like!

Lori: We're up there making all these sacrifices, and you're down here playing some stupid computer game?!

Lincoln: Okay, so maybe it is what it looks like.

Laney: [upset] Lincoln how could you! The whole point of this project is that we can prove to everyone that this family was energy efficient! NOT TO PROGRAM YOUR STUPID GAME!

Lynn: If you don't wanna give anything up, why should we?

Lincoln: But...but... [shows poster] ...polar bear?

[Before the girls begin to feel remorse again, they snap out of it when Laney took the poster and angrily tore it up]

Laney: You're fooling us with that excuse again!

Lori: Yeah! Come on, girls. Let's go get our stuff back.

Leni: [holding up her glass of air] And a refill!

[They do just that]

Gamer 2: Well, I guess you're going back into the red.

Gamer 1: Which means you're gonna lose the polar bear challenge for our class.

Gamer 2: Which means we can't be seen with you.

Gamer 1: Which means your social life is out the window.

[The gamers leave]

Lincoln: Guys, wait! Come back! I can make adjustments!

[Too late. They're out the door. Lincoln sees Laney still standing there angry and disappointed]

Lincoln: Laney! You gotta help me fix this.

Laney: [still upset] Forget it, Lincoln! Thanks to you, everyone's gonna hate me now. And you lied about trying to make the house even better. Guess you're not only a polar bear hater, you're a sibling hater too. [storms off]

Lincoln: I blew it.

Clyde: Don't worry, Lincoln. I'll still hang out with you. In secret, of course.

Lincoln: It's not about that, Clyde. I don't care if the class hates me. What I should have cared about all along was... [shows poster] ...this guy.

Clyde: [gushes over the cub almost as much as he gushes over Lori.] Aww...

Lincoln: Exactly! Our class has done their part. My sisters have done theirs. Now it's time for me to do mine.

[Clyde gives him a salute.]

[The girls have gone back to doing their normal things with their normal power sources. Luna is back to rocking on a ton of amps, Luan is back to baking pies and hitting herself with them, Leni is back to carelessly running water, Lisa is back to using electricity for her machines, and Lori is back to talking to Bobby on many webcams. And yet...the meter is still in the green.]

Lori: [giggles] Oh, Bobby. You got me a present? I can't wait to see it.

[It turns out Lincoln is now using a generator to power up the house as the fuel source, pedaling as fast as he can to satisfy his sisters and do his part for the planet.]

Lori: [from upstairs] LINCOLN! PEDAL FASTER! I'M DOWNLOADING A PIC FROM BOBBY!

[Lincoln obliges]

[Mrs. Johnson's class]

Mrs. Johnson: Amazing work, class. We won the polar bear challenge. And I took the liberty of naming him...Mrs. Johnson...

Students: [complaining at such an unfair naming choice.] MRS. JOHNSON?!

Mrs. Johnson: Let's all give Lincoln and his sister Laney a round of applause for stepping up there green game and doing their part.

[The entire class applauds for Laney]

Laney: Thank you, Mrs. Johnson. But most of the credit should go to my Lincoln. He really fixed the biggest problem facing our household.

[The class applauds for Lincoln]

Lincoln: Well, I saved the polar bear, and I'm not an outcast. Though, technically speaking...my social life is out the window. [reveals to be standing outside the school wreaking severely from powering the generator, starts rubbing with a scented towelette and sees his class staring at him.] Do you mind? I'm showering! [closes blinds and resumes rubbing.]

Laney: Not only he saved energy. He saved me a lot of trouble. [winks at the viewers]


	57. ORIGINAL EPISODE: Laney in Love

**And now, Ladies and gentlemen. I give you the reveal of not only Laney's new love interest. But also a NEW CHARACTER! I'm really excited with how this story turned out. It literally warmed my heart. And I hope it will warm yours too! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Laney in Love**

It was an average day in Royal Woods Elementary, and as Lori dropped off Lincoln and his sister Laney. The girl couldn't wait to start another day. Just then, she heard a few kids talking.

[As Lincoln walked off to class, Laney heard some kids talking and went in closer to see what was going on]

Laney: What are you guys talking about?

Male Student: There's this new student coming in class today.

Laney: Oh boy. Which one of my sisters is it this time? Lola?

Girl Jordan: No. This new student isn't related to you. In fact he just moved here just a few months ago.

Laney: Really? Well, I better go make sure he gets a good weclome then.

Male Student: You got this, Laney!

Girl Jordan: Yeah! If anyone's good at welcoming people, it's you!

[Laney proudly walked to Mrs. Johnson's class and sat on her desk waiting for this new student to arrived]

Mrs. Johnson: Everyone, I'd like you to meet our newest member of the class. Say hello to Joey Anderson.

The moment Laney saw Joey she completely froze. Joey had brown hair, freckles on his face. Wore a beige hoodie and blue jeans.

Laney: [blushes, infatuated] Ba ba ba ba ba...

Mrs. Johnson: Now, Joey. I think there's a spot right next to Laney, you can sit right next to her.

Joey: Thank you, Mrs. Johnson. [walks over to the desk next to Laney] Hi, I'm Joey. My family moved here a month ago from London.

Lincoln: Hi. I'm Lincoln. I'm from here.

Joey: Charming. And is this your sister. [points to Laney who was completely frozen]

Lincoln: Uh. Yeah.. She's not usually like this.

Joey: Well, It's really nice to meet both of you. You can that to your sister when she... wakes up. [Laney's whole face was blushing red]

ONE CLASS LATER...

[All the kids were exiting out of the class, Laney was about to leave as well. Until she was stopped by Lincoln as he places his hand on his sister's shoulder]

Lincoln: Hey, Laney. Mind if you tell me what was that all about?

Laney: What was what all about?

Lincoln: You completely froze around Joey. [Laney blushes bright red]

Laney: Uhhhhhh...

Lincoln: Come on, Laney. You can tell me. I'm your brother.

Laney: [takes a deep breath] I... K-K-Kinda like...Joey. [she flinches]

Lincoln: You do? [Laney nods]

Laney: He just looked...

Lincoln: Cute. [Laney nods again]

Laney: And... I didn't know what to say to him... how to talk to him...

Lincoln: No worries, Laney. Your big brother will help you out. [Lincoln walks with Laney] You see, sis. I have experience talking to the ladies. I'll be glad to show you the ropes. [They stop when they're close to Joey's locker] Now, what you gotta do is to act cool around him.

Laney: Cool... Cool how?

Lincoln: You know. Real chill. Let loose. [beat] Listen, all you got to do is walk up to him and say... [Lincoln whispers in Laney's ear]

[Joey was closing his locker, when he saw Laney leaning on the other lockers trying to hide the nervous look on her face]

Joey: Oh. Hey, Laney.

Laney: [nervous] S-S-up?

Joey: Well, everything's good. I'm enjoying everything in this school so far. But, I didn't know what was up with you back there.

Laney: [nervous] F-F-Forget that. I'm cool now, and I think you're cool too. W-W-Wanna hang... out? How's tonight at Gus' Game and Grub?

Joey: That's sounds lovely.

Laney: C-C-C-Cool...[Joey holds Laney's hand and her entire face started to blush and she started to babble]

Joey: Uh... okay. Well, see ya there. [he leaves then Laney falls to the floor]

Lincoln: Man. You're spazzing out more than Clyde.

Laney: I'm sorry, Lincoln. I just couldn't, how did you say it? "Let loose"?

Lincoln: Maybe this is more of a sister problem.

Laney: [gets up] No way! If I tell the other they'll just meddle again!

Lincoln: Relax, Laney. That was just when they thought I have girl trouble. I'm sure they've changed since then.

[Cut to the Loud house. The sister were screaming about Laney's boy trouble]

Luna: I can't believe Laney's got a boyfriend!

Lori: What does he look like?

Lynn: What does he wear?

Lucy: What's his blood type?

Lola: Dish, girl, dish!

Laney: Okay! Calm down! It's not that big of a deal. I'm just having trouble talking to him...

Leni: Why let your mouth do the talking when you clothes can do it for you!

Laney: Wha?

Other sisters: Makeover! [They grab Laney and bring her to Lori and Leni's room]

Laney: I don't know guys...

Lori: [roots through her wardrobe] Relax, Laney. As soon as Joey sees the new you. He'll literally be putty in your hands!

Laney: Still don't know about this.

[The sisters start to give Laney a makeover. It first results in Laney looking like a ballerina in swan lake]

Sisters: Too frilly.

[They give Laney another makeover and she now looks like a disco dancer]

Sisters: Too groovy.

[They makeover Laney again, only to end up this time with Laney looking like a paegant queen]

Sisters (sans Lola): Too Lola.

Lola: Hey!

[They gave Laney one last makeover and now she wears a red tanktop with a pink skirt. She had red lipstick on her lips, and blue eyeliner. With white heel shoes]

Sisters: Too perfect!

Laney: I really don't know about this, guys.

Lori: Oh, you worry about everything Laney! Just leave it to us and we'll make sure you two become the happiest couple in elementary school history!

Leni: I get to plan the wedding!

Laney: What are the consequences if what I've just got myself into...

Later that night at Gus' Game N Grub, Laney was about to meet up with Joey for to hang out. Even though her sisters were treating it like a date. But Laney was desperate to act normal around him.

[Laney was outside the resturant with her sisters]

Laney: Just to let you guys know. This is NOT a date. We're just hanging out.

Lori: Right. [winks] Just listen to us through this earpiece and we'll tell you what do and say. [Lori gives Laney a earpiece and places it on her ear]

Laney: Are you sure about this?

Lola: [Pushes Laney inside the resturant] Just leave the talking to us.

[Inside, Joey was waiting for Laney. She then appeared and Joey was surprised to see her in her new look]

Joey: Laney. You look rather... lovely this evening.

Laney: Thanks. [Walks over to their table and sits on the other side]

Lori: [through the earpiece] Okay, Laney. Good job so far. Now, you compliment him. Say...

Laney: I have beautiful eyes.

Joey: Uh...

Lori: [through the earpiece] No! Just say "You have beautiful eyes".

Laney: Oh, uh. You're eyes are beautiful too.

Joey: Uh, okay.

[The siblings were watching outside]

Luan: [pushes Lori aside] Move over, sister. This date needs to lighten up! [grabs the microphone] Laney, start out with a joke. Say... [Laney listens through the earpiece]

Laney: Hey, Joey! Wanna hear a joke?

Joey: Sure! I love jokes.

Laney: Okay! Why is six afrad of seven?

Joey: Um. I don't know.

Laney: Because seven eight nine! [Laughs, Joey sat there confused]

[Outside]

Lola: Oh come on! She's never gonna get married with those lame jokes. Give me that! [snatches the microphone] Laney! You need to show him how beautiful you look!

Laney: So, Joey. Notice anything [flicks her hair] different?

Joey: Well, now did you mention it. You do look kinda...

Laney: Great? Yeah, I get that a lot. [Continues to show off]

[Outside]

Lynn: Seriously? He's not in to frilly pink girls. Let me! [snatches the microphone]

[Inside, Laney listens to Lynn through the earpiece]

Laney: So, what kind of sports do you like?

Joey: Well, now that you mention it. I am a bit of a fan of football.

[Outside]

Lynn: He likes football? He's a keeper! Okay, Laney. Tell him...

[Laney listens through the earpiece]

Laney: Wow. I'm a fan of football too!

Joey: Smashing! Uh, which part of football do you like?

[Laney listens through the earpiece]

Laney: Tackling!

Joey: Wha? [Laney gets up and playfully tackles him to the ground] Agh!

[Outside]

Lori: What are you doing? [grabs the microphone] Laney, get off him!

[Laney gets off Joey]

Laney: I'm sorry, I just really... like football.

Joey: Might as well. I see the confusion. Your football is british for our soccer.

Laney\Sisters: Oh.

Lynn: Wait, that's what they call soccer in british?

[Cut to later after Laney and Joey finished their pizza]

Joey: Well, Laney. Tonight sure was... interesting.

Laney: Yeah it sure was. [Laney listens through the earpiece]

[Outside]

Lori: She's really nailing this you guys! [speaks through the microphone] Laney, get close to him and tell him how you feel...

[Laney gets close to Joey and the british boy feels a bit uncomfortable]

Joey: Uh, Laney? What are you doing?

[Outside]

Lori: Now tell him... [Lucy interrupts her]

Lucy: What's her blood type?

Lynn: Does he lift?

Leni: What kind of hoodie does he wear?

Luna: What kind of music does he like?

Lola: Is he anyway related to Hugh?

Lori: Guys! Stop! This is a special moment!

Luan: Come on! Tell more jokes! He's laughing to them, I know it!

Lola: No way! He's a sucker for her looks!

Lynn: Looks don't matter!

Lola: Says you, Miss. I don't know that football is soccer! [The sisters fight over the microphone. Meanwhile, Laney says everything in the fight]

Laney: What are you doing?

Joey: What?

Laney: Get off me!

Joey: What has gotten into you?!

Laney: Uh... nothing? [repeats what the sisters say through the earpiece] I'LL END YOU BRAH! [covers her mouth, sees Joey leaving] Joey! Wait!

Joey: I'm sorry, Laney. But I can't take you anymore. You've been acting crazy all night. And it's making me unsure around you.

Laney: But, Joey! I can explain!

Joey: Just leave me alone! [leaves the resturant. the sisters stop fighting when they saw Joey storming off]

Laney: [runs after him] Joey, wait! [stops and sighs] What have I done? I blew it.

Lori: No, Laney. We blew it. We've tried to help you talk to him. But we pushed you too hard.

Luna: Even if it was a date, we messed up bad.

Lynn: Yeah. I didn't even know that british people uses football to talk soccer.

Luan: I really thought those jokes landed you a good one.

Lucy: I can feel your pain. They pushed me hard when I was trying to talk to Rocky.

Laney: Thanks guys. I know you guys were just trying to help. But... I think I need to take care of this myself. [Walks over to Joey]

Joey: What do you want? You're not gonna tackle me again are you?

Laney: No, I just wanted to say... [takes off the dress revealing her original outfit] I'm sorry acted so stupid back there. It's just that I felt nervous around you and my sisters wanted to help. [Joey looks at Laney's siblign behind her who wave] But the truth is, what you saw back there wasn't the real me. I'm Laney Loud. Sister of ten girls and one boy. I'm creative, I help around the house when things get tough which they always do. And I... LIKE YOU. [Joey and the sisters were surprised at Laney's confession, she sighs] But I guess It's too late now. I guess you don't want anything to do with me... [Joey smiles at her]

Joey: Laney. Do you really mean all that? [Laney nods] Wow, no one's that honest to me before.

Laney: Really? [Joey nods]

Joey: And it's really kind that you have siblings there for you. I don't have any of my own. I should really meet them sometime. [Laney blushes and Joey blushes back]

Laney: So... Want to start over? Hi, I'm Laney.

Joey: I'm Joey. And it's smashing to meet you. [they hold hands and they walk off to the moonlight]

Laney: So, do you like art?

Joey: Like it? I love it!

Sisters: Awww...

Lola: [sniffs] They grow up so fast...

Joey: [from a distance] Oh! I finally get it! Seven eight nine! [laughs]

Luan: [fist pumps] I KNEW IT!


	58. Room With A Feud

**Room With a Feud**

[Laney walks into the living room where Lincoln was sitting watching tv]

Lincoln: So how was last night with Joey?

Laney: Oh. It was great, the sisters were meddling like I suspected. But all worked well. And now Joey and I are- [Laney was interrupted by the TV]

Announcer: We now return to "Operation: Desert Storm".

Lincoln: [gasps] Shh! TV on!

Laney: Desert Storm? My favorite! [Sits down with Lincoln]

Host: Well, it's the moment you've all been waiting for. Which baker will take the cake and the trophy on Operation Dessert Storm?

 **DESSERT STORM**

Host: Will Linda's soufflé rise to the occasion? Or will Tony's puffs cream the competition?

[Tony snarls viciously, forcing the host to back away.]

Host: The judges have voted, and the champion is-

[Lola suddenly comes in and pauses the show.]

Lola: Ugh! Lana's been driving me crazy! Her animals stink up our room! And look what she did to my dolly! [shows her doll's head shaved.]

Doll: [creepily] Mama...

Lincoln: Why would she do that?

[Enter Lana wearing the doll's hair in her armpits.]

Lana: Whoo-hoo! I got pit hair!

[Lola screams, tears her doll's head off, and chases Lana. Laney resumes their show]

Host: And the champion is-

[The show pauses again, this time from Lynn.]

Lynn: Lucy won't keep her bats off my side of the room. [rolls up her sleeve revealing a bite mark on her arm.] Now one of them's bit me and he's got the taste for my blood.

Lincoln: Aren't you being a little paranoid? I'm sure the bat doesn't- [hears the bat screeching from the fireplace.] Uh, you might wanna run.

[The bat chases after Lynn who's screaming for her life.]

Laney: Hurry! Before someone else interrupts! [Lincoln resumes the show]

Host: And the champ-

[It pauses yet again by Leni much to Lincoln's chagrin.]

Leni: [holding a barrette with Lori's hair in it.] Ugh! Lori is the worst roommate ever! Her huge hair broke my favorite clip!

Lincoln: [anxious] That's, uh...

Leni: Ooh! You're watching Operation Dessert Storm? Isn't it awesome that Linda won?

[Laney was shocked about the spoiler and fell down the couch. Lincoln groans from having been spoiled. Laney goes up to her room, mad that Leni ruined her show and tried to read her book in peace but then was interrupted by her sisters arguing again]

Lynn: I've had enough of your darn bats biting me all the time!

Lucy: Well if you don't want him to attack you, you should've looked him in the eye! [Lucy and Lynn argue so much that Laney leaves her room only to hear more arguing from other rooms]

Leni: [offscreen] Quit using my clips!

Lori: [offscreen] Your clip? It's mine!

[Laney hears fighting over at Luna and Luan's room next]

Luna: [Offscreen] You keep your lousy peels away from my jams!

Luan: [Offscreen] I'm practacing comedy! You should know, considering how funny your music sounds!

Luna: [Offscreen] Do not go there, brah!

Laney: Gee... everyone's sure is upset about their roommate. I wish there was a way they could all get along.

Lincoln: Sibling meeting! [Cut to everyone in Lori and Leni's room]

[The kids are all in Lori and Leni's room. The sisters are still unhappy.]

Lincoln: It's no secret you guys are having some roommate trouble. Well, I think I can help. Clyde and I took this amazingly accurate compatibility test. If you guys take it, maybe we can find out which sister you're best matched with. Then you can change roommates.

Lola: I'm willing to try anything. [holds up a doll] This is my last dolly with hair! [notices it's bald and gasps in horror.]

Lana: [wearing the doll's hair like a mustache.] Relax. It grows back.

Lola: [furious] NO IT DOESN'T! [attacks Lana]

Lana: I'd use my own hair, but-

[Lori breaks them up]

Lori: [grunts] Let's take that test.

Lincoln: [giving his sisters each a copy] Great. I'll read the questions, then write down your answers. Number one: **What's your favorite color?**

Leni: Oh, dang it. I got that one wrong.

[She changes her answer and Lynn facepalms.]

 **1 HOUR LATER** [The girls are doing their business in the living room when their brother shows up.]

Lincoln: Guys, I've got the results. The new roomates are: Lana and Lynn, whose rugged personalities were a 90% match.

[Lana is polishing an engine and Lynn is doing push-ups. They give each other a thumbs-up.]

Lincoln: Luna and Lisa, whose explosive personalities were an equally strong match.

[Lisa's chemical explodes on her and Luna shreds her guitar loudly much to Lori's shock. Lisa gives Luna a thumbs up and Luna throws up the goats to Lisa.]

Lincoln: Lola and Lucy, 'cause they both have a flair for the dramatic.

Lola: Us matching is the craziest thing that's ever happened! [gasps and faints] Ever!

Lucy: I am so shocked, I could die.

Lincoln: Luan and Leni, due to their shared love of laughter.

Luan: [nudges Leni] Chuckle up, Leni! There's no giggling out of this.

[The other sisters groan at that, but Leni laughs at it.]

Leni: [holding back her laughter] That was so funny!

Lincoln: Lori and Lily...

Lori: [confused] Uh, what could we possibly have in common? [notices Lily using a phone just like her] Oh.

Laney: What about me, Lincoln? Who am I paired up with?

Lincoln: Well, by the looks of it. You and me. Due to our unique problem solving expertise.

Laney: Oh.

[The girls all agree to this decision.]

Later, Laney was preparing to move in to Lincoln's room. Which will be a challenge since Lincoln's room isn't so... roomy.

[Laney pushed her chest into Lincoln's room and sees how small it is]

Laney: Oh boy... [Laney begins to look for a place to put her chest. She placed it a few times on the ground but it was in her way. Then she puts it sideways, but it started to open and she tried to push it closed. She sighs] Now where am I go to sleep? [She looks at Lincoln's bed and scratches her head]

[Meanwhile, Lincoln goes upstairs and hears nothing but silence. He checks on Lynn and Lana.]

Lincoln: Hey, guys. How's rugged roommate life going?

[There's a mud puddle on the floor.]

Lana: Lynn let me bring my mud.

Lynn: It's perfect for rugby practice. [sways a bit and dives into the mud] Score!

Lana: [licks the mud] Good stuff.

[Lincoln wipes the mud on his face off and checks on Lori and Lily.]

Lori: [laughing at her phone] Literally.

Lily: [laughing at her phone] Lil-lilly.

[Lincoln smiles at their bond and checks on Lisa and Luna.]

Luna: [drumming] YO, LIS! IS THIS VOLUME OKAY?!

Lisa: [working on her chemistry] ACES! HOW'S THIS VOLUME?!

[She pours in a chemical that causes an explosion, which Luna likes. Lincoln goes over to check on Lola and Lucy who are having a tea party with Edwin and Lola's baby doll as guests. Lola pours in her doll's tea, but Lucy stops her from pouring Edwin's.]

Lucy: Thanks, but he only drinks blood.

Lola: No problem. [switches the teapot out for kettles filled with different types of blood.] Does he take O Positive or B Negative?

[Lucy and Lincoln smile, and the brother checks on Leni and Luan.]

Luan: [practicing with Mr. Coconuts] Hey, Mr. Coconuts, what did the sushi say to the bee? Wasa-bee!

Leni: [laughing like crazy] Luan, stop it! [laughs so hard she falls back on the beanbag.]

[He enters in his room to find his roommate, Laney]

Lincoln: How's it going, roomie? [walks into Laney's chest and stubs his foot] OW!

Laney: Sorry, Lincoln. I'm having a hard time moving in.

Lincoln: Looks that way. But at least you're not like Lynn. Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna do some video chatting. [Opens up his laptop and talks to Clyde] Hey, Clyde.

Clyde: [wearing a chef outfit] Oh, hey, Lincoln. I was just giving myself the ten minute trifle challenge. [frosts a cake]

Lincoln: So, guess what? I gave my sisters the compatibility test, they changed rooms, and it's working like a dream! You hear how quiet it is?

Laney: Three. Two. One.

[At that moment...]

Lynn: [off-screen] DANG IT, LANA!

Lincoln: [calmly] Uh, probably just a little glitch. I'll call you back. [goes to Lana and Lynn's room, Laney follows him]

Lynn: [fighting a snake with her hockey stick.] Get your dumb snake off my lucky jersey!

Lana: If she's so dumb, how'd she find all your protein bars when you were asleep, huh?

[Lynn growls and snaps her hockey stick in fury, much to Lincoln and Laney's worry.]

Laney: Guess your test isn't working so well.

Lincoln: That's just one setback. I'm sure everyone else is doing just fine.

Lucy: [off-screen] You monster!

[Lincoln checks on Lucy and Lola]

Lucy: What have you done to Edwin? [shows him sporting a color scheme like Lola's.]

Lola: Brought him into the 21st century. You're welcome!

Lucy: That's my least favorite century.

[Lily starts crying and Lincoln rushes to her and Lori.]

Lincoln: What's going on?

Lori: I accidentally stepped on Lily's phone and she's making a huge deal!

[Lily suddenly takes a picture of Lori from a certain angle.]

Lori: [fiercely] DON'T YOU DARE POST THOSE!

[Lily giggles wickedly and posts the photos which reveal Lori having double chins. Laney is disturbed by this]

Lori: [horrified as she screams; a loud glass shattering sound is heard and Lisa screams; Lincoln checks on her and Luna.]

Lisa: [with her glasses broken] I specifically told you never to play any note above a D6!

Luna: Better check that 'tude, dude! Nobody tells me how to shred.

[Leni is still laughing at Luan]

Luan: [annoyed] Leni, stop laughing. All I said is I have to pee.

Leni: How do you come up with this stuff?

[Leni keeps laughing while Luan exasperatedly goes to the bathroom. The other sisters in anger gather around to complain.]

Lori: Lincoln's lame test didn't work.

Lola: Yeah. There's no way I'm compatible with Spooky.

Lucy: Oh, you wanna go, Princess?

Lisa: [breaking them up] Easy, easy. We can fix this. There must be a flaw in Lincoln's testing algorithm.

[Lisa is checking the test again]

Lisa: Hmm... **Ace Savvy's Superhero Duo Quiz: Find your partner in crime-fighting**? This is the amazingly accurate compatibility test that led you to uproot the entire household?

Lincoln: It was dead-on about me and Clyde.

Lisa: Yes! You two are compatible because you're both dunces! [to her sisters] Everyone, remain calm. We can still determine the optimal roommate arrangement. Just need to use actual science. [reveals a matchup computer in her room] I invented this baby to help Pop-Pop find a soulmate, but he wasn't ready for love again. [puts in data] I simply input everyone's data in the form of report cards, journals, medical records and DNA samples.

Luan: [suspicious] Uh...how'd you get our DNA samples?

Lisa: [feigning innocence] Did I say DNA samples?

[The computer prints out the results.]

Lisa: "And voila. Our perfect matches. Lori and Lola will be together since they both excel in social situations and possess an authoritarian nature."

[Lori and Lola notice Lana and Charles chewing on shoes and shout in unison.]

Lola: "Drop it, Lana!"

Lori: "Drop it, Charles!"

[Lana and Charles drop it and Lola and Lori look at each other surprised.]

Lisa: "Leni will be rooming with Lynn."

Leni and Lynn: "Wait. Why are we together? That doesn't make any sense. We don't even have anything in common!" [look at each other in confusion.]

Lisa: "Luna will be with Lana since both enjoy garage-based hobbies and wield a wicked axe."

[Luna, holding her guitar, and Lana, holding an inflatable play ax, look at each other.]

Lisa: Luan will be with Lucy because of their shared creativity and unusual proclivity for befriending inanimate objects.

[The inanimate objects in question are Mr. Coconuts and Edwin, and Luan and Lucy look at each other.]

Lisa: Lily will be with Lincoln-

Lincoln: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why am I included?

Lisa: It's self-evident. To find the most accurate sibling matches, one must include all the siblings.

Lincoln: [suspicious] Wait, I see what's going on. Isn't it convenient that everyone has a roommate except you?

Lisa: Actually, I prefer cohabitation so that I have a built-in test subject. Now as for you, Laney. You're with me. Due to your innvoative nature and rediness almost matches up to mine.

Laney: That can't be right.

Lisa: Science has never wronged me before. [Lisa's hair falls off revealing her brain pulsating from her cranium which her siblings gasp at the sight of in horror.]

Later, Laney and Lisa were prepairing for bed. Which is still a challenge since they were in Lincoln's room.

Laney: Uh, Lisa. I don't mind if you do your science here. But where do I sleep?

Lisa: Don't worry, Laney. I have provided with a simple solution. [she presses a button and the bed has split into two fittng parts] I've modificated this bed to have dual sleeping space.

Laney: Wow. How did you get it all to fit in this room?

Lisa: I've calculated the radius of this room and found an equivalent space for comfortability.

Laney: [confused at what Lisa just said] How are we compatable again? Okay, nevermind. [Laney pulled out her sheets and placed it on her side of the bed and was about to go to sleep, but she was interrupted by Lincoln entering]

Lincoln: Guess what, Ms. Smarty Pants? There must be a flaw in your testing algorithm because Lily and I are definitely not compatible.

[Lisa goes over to the computer to reevaluate and gets a shocking result.]

Laney: Was it really necessary to move this here?

Lisa: Oh, dear. This is what we in the scientific community call an oopsie. Everyone matched at over 90%, but it appears you and Lily only matched at 17%.

Lincoln: Aha! Then this whole thing is bogus, and I'm calling it off! We are switching back.

[He storms out and goes over to Luna and Lana's room, but hears laughter. Lana dumps mud all over Luna's timpani drums and Luna bangs and splashes a good beat.]

Luna: We make a great team, Lans!

[Lincoln is shocked and hears Leni laughing and sees Lynn bench-pressing her.]

Leni: Whoo! [laughs]

Lynn: [grunting] Thanks for letting me bench-press you. You're, like, the perfect weight.

Leni: Well, thank you. 'Cause you're helping me decorate the ceiling. [puts a sticker on the ceiling along with some others she put on.]

[Lincoln is shocked at that and goes to see Lucy and Luan who are playing poker with their soulmates.]

Lucy: [dealing] I have ace high. Edwin has two pair.

Luan: I've got a full house. [as Mr. Coconuts] And I've got a four of a kind. Just like us, right, gang? [laughs with Lucy] You're so funny, Mr. Coconuts.

[Lincoln is flabbergasted at seeing them get along.]

Lori: [unhappy] No!

[Hearing that makes Lincoln smile and he checks on her and Lola.]

Lori: [on her phone] Not that shirt, Bobby. The one I got you!

Lola: [shaking her fist] You'd better still have it, Bobby!

[They hang up on a frightened Bobby.]

Lori: Good. Now let's call that pageant judge who gave you a 4. [dials the judge's number]

Lola: Oh, this should be good.

[Lincoln sighs, gives up, and goes back to his new room, reading a comic book with a flashlight where he finds Lily drooled all over it.]

Lincoln: [disgusted] Ugh. Lily! [gets a call from Clyde on video chat] Hey, Clyde.

Clyde: Hey, Lincoln. How did that roommate swap turn out?

Lincoln: Not so great for me. I ended up rooming with Lily.

Clyde: What? That's not fair. You have to get your sisters to switch back.

Lincoln: I was going to, Clyde, but they all seem so happy now. I don't wanna ruin it for them, so I'll just have to take one for the team.

[Unbeknownst to him, Lucy, Lana, Laney, and Leni overheard him.]

Laney: You know, not all of us are happy.

Lana: What do you mean?

Laney: Well, I'd be happy with just everyone being okay with their matches. But, I'm not so sure with any of mine. That, and it's getting wicked cramped in Lincoln's room. Seriously, it's as small as a linen closet.

Leni: So what do we do?

Laney: I think I have an idea.

[The next day, Lincoln wakes up and finds that he's back in his old room.]

Lincoln: What's happening? Am I dreaming?

[The sisters come in]

Lola: No, dummy. We moved you while you were asleep. Well, Lynn and Lana did.

[Lynn and Lana are wearing back braces and panting from an exhausting job.]

Leni: We all moved back to our old rooms.

Lincoln: But I thought the new pairings were working great for everybody.

Luna: They were, dude, but when we saw that you were willing to take one for the team, we thought there might be a way we could all be happy.

Lana: Instead of changing rooms, maybe we can try a little harder to change our attitudes.

[The sisters sans Laney and Lisa]

Laney: Next time if you try to pair me up with someone with a quiz. Make sure I'm compatable with someone with a bigger room. [Leaves]

Lisa: Oh. By the way, Lincoln, I'm not certain I removed all my chemicals from your room. There's still a few unaccounted for. So, just let me know if you see anything. [leaves and closes the door]

[Suddenly, there's an explosion in Lincoln's room which causes his hair to fall off and reveal his brain now green and pulsating, just like Lisa's.]


	59. ORIGINAL EPISODE: Present Tense

**Ladies and gentlemen, I present to yout the Laney in the Loud House birthday special! It's so special because on this day, September 16th, I have created this magnificent story that kickstarted my fanfction career! I'd like to thank all of you for inspiring and encouraging me to make such wonderful stories and I hope to see you when I do more in the future! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Present Tense**

Today was a very special saturday morning in the Loud house. For today was Laney's birthday. She was turning 8 on this special day and everything was set up for her party. That's why Lincoln and his other sisters were holding a meeting on what to give her on her day.

Lincoln: Alright, guys. As you all know, today's Laney's birthday. And our plans is to make sure she gets the best one ever by giving her the perfect gift. [Leni raises her hand] Yes, Leni?

Leni: I say we give her this stylish pink scarf. [Holds out a pink scarf with hearts on them] Because she's always wearing one to hide her scar.

[Flashback to the time Laney got herself cut with the broken plate shards]

Leni: [narrating] She's always wearing it ever since her accident. [Flashback to the time Laney was frantically looking for her scarf]

Flashback Laney: Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no! [Flashback shows Laney confessing to her sisters about her scarf. Cut back to present day]

Leni: Now she won't be so shy about hiding it with this baby!

Lola: [pushes Leni aside] That's great, Leni. But my gift is even better! You know how Laney is always painting pictures?

[Flashback to all the times Laney has painted pictures in the house]

Lola: [narrating] She's always showing off her artistic side. [cut back to present day] So that's why I painted her this! [Holds out an odd looking painting of Laney]

Lincoln: Uh, Lola? What is that supposed to be?

Lola: Duh! It's a picture of Laney!

Luna: [squints] Kinda looks like dad.

Lori: No, it's more like Aunt Ruth with a tummy tuck.

Lola: So what if I'm not a talented artist like Laney? She'll love it because it's the thought that counts.

Lynn: So what? She'll love my gift more!

Lola: And what exactly are you going to give her, Lynn?

Lynn: Just this! [holds out a pair of roller skates]

Lola: Roller skates? That's the best you got for Laney?

Lynn: Uh, yeah. She's always quick on her feet. Like that time she was helping Lincoln publish his comic! [flashback to the time he dashed to get Scoots across the street]

Flashback Scoots: Quit pushing me! [hits Laney over the head with a cane]

Flashback Laney: Ow! [flashback to Laney helping her dad make dinner. Cutting hot dogs with ice skates, using Geo as a can opener, etc.]

Lynn: [Narrating] And not to mention the timem she helped dad improvise dinner. [Cut back to present] So I thought she might use these to get around faster.

Luan: Pfft! That's nothing! [Holds out a teddy bear] This little cutie is a shoo-in to be the highlight of Laney's birthday!

Lynn: How is a teddy bear the best gift you can give to seven year old in the fith grade?

Luan: Well, it's a security bear. For in case Laney has her episodes. [Flashback to the time Laney didn't know how to stop her sisters meddling in Lincoln's bully trouble]

Flashback Laney: I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I... [smoke began to puff out of her ears; her eyes started spinning around]

Luan: [narrating] Whenever she can't find a solution to a problem, she turns into a bigger blubbering mess then Clyde! [Cut back to present day] All she has to do is hug this little guy whenever she feels helpless, and her worries melt away. Cause we all know she can't 'bear' to see us fighting! [laughs while the others groan]

Lori: Forget it you guys! Laney will literally die once she sees the new handbag I got her! [holds out a handbag]

Lisa: What about this journal I made for her to orginize all her important events?

[Soon all the sisters argue about all there gifts for Laney]

Lincoln: Guys! Guys! Settle down! [They all stop once Laney enters the room and they all hide their gifts]

Laney: Hey guys. What's going on?

Lincoln: Uh... Laney! We were just thinking on what to do on your birthday.

Laney: Oh, well. I hope you guys think of something really great for my birthday. You guys have always been there for me. And even though you have your share of quarrels and fights, you guys know what's right. [Her siblings smile at this] Well, see you at the party. [Leaves and closes the door]

Luna: That girl always knows what to say.

Luan: Yeah and not to mention what to do.

At that, they all smile as they reminisce about all the times Laney has helped around the house. All the times she played with Lily, comforted her other sisters, helping Lincoln and his friends. She has really done a lot for this family.

Lincoln: Yeah, she really deserves something special.

Lori: But what can we do? It's not like we can give her all of our gifts.

Lincoln: [gets an idea] Or can we?...

[Cut to later in the afternoon in the backyard where Laney's birthday was being celebrated. All of her guests and her parents gathered around as Laney gets ready to blowout the candles in her birthday cake]

Kids and Parents: [sing] _Happy birthday dear Laney, happy birthday to you!_ [Laney blows out the candles and everyone applauds]

Rita: Okay, Laney. Now it's time to open your presents.

Lincoln: [off-screen] You said it, mom. [All eyes were at Lincoln and his sisters walking in with something hidden under a tarp. They all stand behind it] Laney, we wanted to give you something awesome. Something that says we love you and all the things we do.

Lola: But the thing is we could'nt decide which one of our gifts is better.

Lori: So we decided to give you all of them!

They pull out the tarp that revealed all of their presents to Laney in one big diorama. Lola's painting wrapped in Leni's scarf, next to Luan's teddy bear and Lynn's rollerskates. And Lori's handbag with Lisa's journal in it. Laney was filled with joy at the very sight of it.

Laney: [in awe] Guys I... I... I... I don't know what to say!

Luna: Just our way of saying how much you rock! [Laney gathered all of her sibling for one big hug]

Laney: You have all made this the best birthday ever! Thanks guys! [Lets go of them]

Lola: You're welcome, sis! [To her siblings] I told you she'd love the painting!

Lori: You're kidding, right. She loved the handbag.

Leni: No way! My scarf is way more stylish. [they start to argue about their presents again, Laney giggles]

Laney: [To the viewers] Just seeing them together like this is greatest gift of all. [Wears Leni's scarf, and winks to the audience. Iris out]


	60. Spell it Out

**Spell It Out**

[Lucy and Fangs come walking home at night, and enter the house with lightning flashing for their entrance.]

Lucy: [content] I so enjoy our nightly strolls, Fangs.

[Fangs squeaks in agreement.]

Laney: Oh, hey Lucy.

Lucy: Hello Laney, anything happen while we were away?

Laney: Well, you could say that. Pro tip: Don't go in the bathroom.

Lucy: Why would I do that?

Leni: [off-screen] Guys, this looks so good!

Lori: [also off-screen] We should literally be interior designers!

[Lucy goes upstairs to see what they're talking about and finds her siblings painting the bathroom pink; Fangs flies away.]

Lucy: Hey, guys. [her siblings gasp in surprise at her appearance.] Why are you painting the bathroom my least favorite color?

Lynn: Uh, duh! We all voted on it at the sibling meeting, remember?

[Flashback to the meeting; all the siblings but Lucy are gathered.]

Lori: So, based on the leftover paint in the garage, are options are pink... [giggles] ...or black. All in favor of pink?

Lincoln, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lana, Lola, and Lisa: [raise their hands] AYE!

Lori: All oppose?

Laney: Uh, nay! [Laney raises her hand]

Lori: It's unanimous! [squeals] Pink it is! [End flashback]

Lucy: Sigh. Well, I wasn't there. But of course, as usual, no one noticed.

Lola: Oh, come on! Exaggerate much?

[While Leni is painting, she accidentally hits Lucy, stroking her with pink paint.]

Leni: Whoops. Sorry, I didn't notice you. [Pokes Lucy's nose. Laney wipes off the pink paint off Lucy]

Lucy: Laney, you knew I wouldn't agree to this. Why didn't you stop them?

Laney: Believe me, Lucy. I tried. But it was ten against one. Besides, they didn't notice me either.

Lucy: What makes you think that? [Leni acciedentally strokes Laney with pink paint]

Leni: [Off-screen] Oh, sorry Laney. Didn't notice you either. [sighs]

[Lucy, Fangs, and the pets are performing a séance in the den.]

Lucy: Oh, spirits, I summon thee-

[Lori suddenly shrieks.]

Lori: [on her phone] What?! No, she did NOT!

[Lucy and the animals disregard it and resume their séance.]

Lucy: Oh, spirits, I summon thee-

[Lincoln comes screaming in with his laptop while wearing viking attire.]

Lincoln: [to his online friends] Okay, first we send in recon falcons to assess the enemy's firepower!

Lucy: Grr... [regains her composure] Oh, spirits-

[Enter Lynn practicing as crew coxswain with the twins rowing and Lily riding in a sailor outfit.]

Lynn: [on a megaphone] Easy on starboard! And stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

Lucy: Ugh! [goes into the living room to talk to her siblings who are doing their things at once.] Guys, could you keep it down? I'm trying to contact- [gets hit by Lily's oar and is sent flying back into the den.] Oof! [Laney runs up to her]

Laney: Are you okay, Lucy?

Lucy: [off-screen] What do you think?

Laney: [to her sisters] Hey, what's the big idea? You can't just- [gets hit by Lily's oar] OOF! [flies into the den]

[The dinner table]

Lynn Sr. Last slice of pie. [holds it up] Who wants it?

[Lucy raises her hand, but Lola comes rolling down the table.]

Lola: AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI! [grabs the slice]

Lucy: Um...I raised my hand.

Lola: [talking with her mouth full] I can't believe no one else wanted this!

Lucy: Sigh. [Laney gives her slice of pie to Lucy]

Laney: Here. I'm not hungry. You can have mine if you want.

Lucy: Thanks La- [Lola snatches the slice]

Lola: [off-screen] Ooh! Seconds! [Laney sighs]

[The sofa area. Lisa is working on her chemicals and the others are coming in to watch TV.]

Lynn: Excuse me.

Lucy: I call left armrest.

[Lana pounces on Lucy and takes the armrest. Lucy brushes herself off, places her book of poems on the coffee table and turns the TV on to her favorite show.]

Announcer: Next on Vampires of Melancholia...

Edwin: Griselda, I know you're only seeing that werewolf to make me jealous.

[The others look bored at it and Lynn makes a buzzer sound on her megaphone. Lana snatches the remote out of Lucy's hand and changes the channel.]

Announcer: Next on The Audition...

Lucy: Hey! I had the remote first!

Luna: Sorry, dude. We also voted on tonight's TV show at the sibling meeting.

Lucy: Laney, at least tell me you had my back.

Laney: Sorry, I kinda like this show.

Lucy: Grr. Will someone please hand me my poetry journal? I have some very strong feelings to express.

[Lisa accidentally spills her chemical onto Lucy's journal and it disintegrates.]

Lisa: Oops. Clumsy me.

[Lucy runs off with a frustrated scream.]

Lisa: Did anyone hear something?

[Laney feels bad for Lucy and follows her]

Laney couldn't help but feel bad for Lucy, as she went upstairs to the attic where Lucy was.

Laney: [offscreen] Lucy? Are you up here?

Lucy: What do you want? [Laney walks in] Oh. It's only you, Laney.

Laney: Sorry about what happened to you today. I'm sure the others didn't mean to do it.

Lucy: But they did, Laney. No matter what I do, my siblings walk all over me. At least when things get bad, I can go to my secret dark place. [notices something wrong with her dark place.] Which they've filled with their junk. Typical. Sigh.

Laney: I'll help you with that. [Laney and Lucy push all the junk away] Look, Lucy. Just because they don't listen to you doesn't mean they don't love you.

Lucy: It's more than that, Laney. They barely notice me. I just wish I can get back at them somehow. [They come across an old chest and notices a tag on it] Oh, look. This trunk belonged to Great Grandma Harriet. She was a pretty cool lady. [holds up a photo of Harriet, who looks identical to Lucy but in period-accurate clothes.] See?

Laney: Well… She does bare a resemblance.

Lucy: You'd think I got these looks from mom? [takes out a crystal ball and skulls and notices a secret compartment.] Ooh. What's this? [opens it and finds a book, picks it up and blows the dust off.]

Laney: **"Ancient Book of Spells."**?

Lucy: Whoa. [looks at the book's array of spells.] Hmm. If I can't get through to my siblings, maybe a little magic will. [starts reading]

Laney: Something tells me I'm not going to like where this is going…

Cut to the living room where Lori was talking on her phone. Lucy and Laney were watching from the den.

Lori: [on her phone] It's like, Carol gets eyelash extensions and suddenly she's too good for us? [pause] I know! [pause] I KNOW!

[Laney and Lucy were watching from the den]

Lucy: So, you like disrupting my séances with your inane phone calls?

Laney: Do you think that spellbook actually works, Lucy?

Lucy: Only one way to find out… [reads an incantation] **"Eye of newt and toe of frog, Cease this endless dialogue!"**

[Lori's phone suddenly hangs up.]

Lori: Whitney? Whitney? Hello? What? No! This can't be happening!

[She goes upstairs and Lucy smiles at the outcome while Laney was bewildered on what just happened]

Laney: I can't believe it! Those spells really worked! I never thought it would, but it did!

Lucy: Oh. You haven't seen anything yet…

[Lana is watching TV on Lucy's spot.]

Lucy: [from the staircase] So, you like putting my muddy butt on my favorite seat?

Laney: Lucy, are you sure this is a good idea? [Lucy reads another spell]

Lucy: **"Lizard's leg and howlet's wing, Bring vengeance with an itchy sting!"**

[Lana suddenly jumps off the armrest and starts scratching her butt vigorously, Lucy smiles proudly.]

As Lucy stood proudly on her revenge on her sisters, Laney begins to worry. Even if magic was real, it shouldn't be used to get back at someone. Later, Laney was sitting by the staircase watching Leni and Lily watching tv in the living room. Then she met up with her goth sister again.

[Lucy walked downstairs]

Lucy: Laney, you should've seen it. I've used a spell on Lisa and made her all sticky. She's a total mess.

Laney: Uh, Lucy. Are you sure we should be using those spells to get back at our siblings just because they didn't notice you? I mean, this is the kind of stuff that has unexpected consequences.

Lucy: Don't be like that, Laney. Besides you know very well they abused you too.

Laney: What are you talking about?

Lucy: I'm talking about all the times they walk all over you.

Laney: No. They would never do that to me.

Lucy: Oh, yeah? What about the time Leni rooted through your chest? [Flashback to Laney going into her room and shocked to find Leni using paint on her ballerina costume]

Leni: OM Gosh! This tutu totes looks prettier in red! [paints Laney's tutu red, Laney snatches the tutu from Leni]

Laney: What do you think your doing?! You've ruined my tutu!

Leni: More like made it better! It is so you're color, Lorraine. [pinches Laney's cheek. Laney growls furiously. Cut back to present day as Laney's face burns red with anger at the very memory]

Laney: [furious] She called me Lorraine! [Lucy smiles and lends the book to Laney] Give me that! [Snatches the spellbook from Lucy and goes gets up from the staircase and begins to perform a spell] I'll teach you to go through other people's stuff! [read an incantation] **"Bird of fowl and feathers pluck, become a chicken, Cluck Cluck Cluck!"** [Leni gets up from the couch and starts acting like a chicken]

Leni: Bawk. Ba-Ba-ba-Bagawk! [Lily laughs]

Laney couldn't help but smile at this. Using spells to get back at someone actually felt good.

Laney: [laughs] That was incredible! These spells are great! With this I can finally get the respect I deserve!

Lucy: Welcome to the dark side.

[Laney spent most of her day using spells to get back at other siblings. She used one on Lola and a patch of hair falls from her head and she screams. Laney giggled. Next she used a spell on Lincoln and he froze like a statue. Laney laughed even more wickedly. Lastly, she casted a spell on Luna and as she played her guitar, it stops making sound. She strummed her guitar and no music was played, she was distraught. Laney continues to evilly cackle. Later, she walking downstairs to see Lucy with Edwin]

Laney: Lucy! You should see what I did to Luna! I made lose her jams and probably her mind!

Lucy: Can't talk. [As Lucy walks up to the attic, Laney notices the bald spots on the back of Lucy's head]

Laney: Huh? Did the hair spell effect you too? [Minutes Later, Laney meets Lucy in the attic] Why the long face? You should be happy! Thanks to those spells, things are finally going our way!

Lucy: [takes the book from Laney] Things are going YOUR way. But even if I use the spells, nothing changes around here for me.

Laney: What's wrong?

Lucy: They backfired on me. Lori's talking to her friends in person instead of crying over her phone, and Lana used Edwin as butt-scratcher. [points to the bust] Those lips touched her butt! [Groans] It's so frustrating. [tosses the book which bounces off a trampoline and hits her in the face, revealing another spell.] Gasp! Laney! Look at this! [shows Laney the spell]

Laney: Ohhh! This spell is too perfect!

Lucy: I know! It has to work! [to the photo] Thanks for giving us a sign. [rubs her head] Though next time, a simple flickering light will do.

[She and Laney begin working on some kind of powder and is humming some kind of chant for it as several candles are arranged in a circle around her. Lincoln pops up.]

Lincoln: Hey, Luce! Hey, Lanes!

[Lucy quickly flips the circle for her powder below the floor and swaps it out with Lola's tea party set.]

Laney: Oh! Hello, Lincoln! We were just having a little tea party.

Lincoln: Uh, okay. Well anyway. Come on. Time to visit Pop-Pop.

Luan: [pops up from under Lincoln who's now on her head.] We voted on where to sit in Vanzilla, and you got the soggy seat!

Lincoln: Sorry, Laney. But the only spot we have left for you is springy seat.

Laney: [angry] SPRINGY SEAT?! WHY YOU- [Lucy stops her]

Lucy: You guys go without us. We're in the middle of something important.

[Lincoln and Luan leave and Lucy flips the spot back to her powder and turns to the book.]

Laney: [steaming] Springy seat indeed...

Lucy: Don't worry, Laney. Once this is over, we'll see who gets the springy seat from now on...

[That night, the two start sprinkling the powder on all of her siblings' pillows.]

Lucy and Laney: **"Round about the bedrooms go, on their pillows, spell dust throw. By sunrise, they will have no choice, but to listen to my voice."**

Laney: [in her pajamas] Do you really think that spell would work?

Lucy: [in her pajamas] Guaranteed.

Laney: [climbs into her bed] Well, goodnight Lucy.

Lucy: Goodnight, Laney. [To the picture of Great Grandma Harriet] Goodnight, Great-Grandma Harriet. Yawn. [opens up her coffin only to find Lynn's sports equipment stored in it.] Ugh! Lynn! [dumps the equipment out] This spell cannot work fast enough.

[The next morning, Lucy and Laney go to the newly pink bathroom to see her siblings brushing their teeth.]

Laney: [whispers] Let's surprise them. [Lucy nods]

Laney and Lucy: Hey, guys.

[The siblings are startled by there appearance as usual, but when they scream, no sound comes out, much to there content.]

Laney: It worked! [high fives Lucy]

Lucy: Yes! Now everything is gonna change around here.

[Lucy is now holding a sibling meeting.]

 **LUCY'S SIBLING MEETING: REPAINT THE BATHROOM**

Lucy: Next item of business: repainting the bathroom. All in favor of black, say "aye".

Laney: Aye!

Lucy: All opposed, say "nay".

[Her siblings try to say something, but can't without their voices.]

Lucy: It's unanimous. Black it is! [pulls up the tarp revealing black paint cans.]

[The others look on at her, upset. Later at dinner, Lucy and Laney are eating the leftovers while her siblings glare at them]

Laney: How's that leftover turkey leg?

Lucy: Num, num, num. Delicious. I can't believe no one else wanted this.

[Now they're watching Vampires of Melancholia.]

Edwin: Griselda, you're back. I see you've come to your senses.

Griselda: No, I just found out I'm allergic to wolf hair.

[Edwin looks unimpressed at that revelation while Lucy's siblings look unimpressed at her for this decision. Lucy sees Laney smiling as she watched this]

Lucy: Wait, I thought you said you didn't like this show.

Laney: I don't. But I'm having a good time taking advantage of this.

Lucy: Cool.

[Back in the attic]

Laney: Man. Today has been the best day ever.

Lucy: Yep. And we have Great Grandma Harriet to thank for it.

Rita: [off-screen] Lynn, what's wrong?

[Lynn is beating on her punching bag which Rita is holding.]

Rita: Oh, now, come on, kiddo. [Lynn delivers a mighty blow to the bag.] Whoa! Your crew meet can't have gone that badly.

[Lynn takes out her phone to show her mom a recording of her crew meet where she couldn't tell her teammates to stroke while the opposing team passes them.]

Rival Coxswain: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

[Lynn's team's canoe goes in a circle and they lose the race. They get angry at Lynn, toss her off the canoe and into the lake.]

Rita: [furious] They literally kicked you off the team? That is not fair! [tosses Lynn her phone and starts punching the bag to let out all that tension her daughter did.]

[Lucy and Laney have witnessed that and hears their dad off-screen.]

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, you got one of your friends killed?

[Lincoln shows his dad what happened in Swords & Cyborgs.]

Clyde: Commander Loud, what's our move?

[Lincoln couldn't say the command and tries to gesture incoherently.]

Clyde: You want us to...frost a birthday cake?

[Lincoln and Rusty are not amused.]

Rusty: I think he wants us to attack. I'm just gonna attack. [as Lincoln tries to protest, Rusty has his character lift his sword and charge into the enemy fortress.] RUSTY SPOKES!

Clyde: RUSTY! NOOO!

[Rusty's character gets attacked by cyborgs.]

Rusty: Uh-oh.

Clyde: It's an ambush! Oh, the horror!

[Lucy and Laney look on with worry and hears their mom talking to Lori.]

Rita: Lori, honey, I'm sure it's not the end of the world.

[through mascara-smudged tears, Lori shows her mom the message.]

Voicemail: What's with the silent treatment, Lori? Do you think you're better than us? Ugh! Whatever. Friendship...over.

Rita: [trying to console her] No worries. You can always hang out with your old mom. You can join my book club.

[Lori just wants to cry and covers her face with her pillow. Lucy and Laney look on with despair over what they have done.]

[Back at the attic]

Laney: What have we done, Lucy? I knew these spells would have consequences and I casted them anyway!

Lucy: I didn't mean to ruin everyone's life. I just hope there's a way to undo the spell. [finds a shocking small printing] Gasp! Laney look! **To put a spell back on the shelf, transfer the effects onto yourself.** [Laney and Lucy look at each other]

[Lori and Leni's room for another sibling meeting, all Loud kids are assembled.]

Lucy: Okay, don't worry, guys. [Her siblings glare at her and Laney] We didn't call this meeting to force anymore resolutions on you. We just want to make a confession.

Laney: You see, Lucy and I were fed up of all the times you walked all over us.

Lucy: So we casted a spell to make you take away your voices.

[The others look confused.]

Laney: I know you're mad at us for it, but there is a way to fix this. The aincent book of spells say we can transfer the effects onto ourselves.

Lucy: Yes, We'll never speak again, but I guess we deserve it for-

[Before she can finish, the others all silently show laughter.]

Lucy: [confused] Why are you laughing?

Laney: Or at least i think it's laughter. Hard to tell because you don't have any voices. [Lincoln pokes to his throat and moves his hands up and down.]

Lucy: You...want us to frost a birthday cake?

[Lincoln looks unimpressed. Lori takes out a pad and a pen and writes something down and hands it to Lucy and Laney.]

Lucy: [reading the message] We didn't take away your voices?

[The others shake their heads.]

Laney: Then why are you so silent?

[Luan hands her sisters her phone, showing a recording of Albert in a shuffleboard game with other people. Once their Pop-Pop wins, the siblings cheer loudly.]

Lincoln, Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lana, Lola, and Lisa: [lifting him up and chanting him] POP-POP! POP-POP! POP-POP!

[The video ends]

Lucy: You lost your voices at Pop-Pop's shuffleboard match?

[They nod]

Lucy: But what about our other spells? Lori, I killed your phone.

[Lori points to her phone charging.]

Lucy: Oh. So the battery just died. But Lana, what about my spell to make your butt itch?

[Lana shows her some poison ivy outside by a tree and makes a circular motion with her finger.]

Lucy: You rolled around in poison ivy again?

[Lana starts dragging her butt across the carpet still suffering from the itch. Charles pops out from under Lori's bed and joins Lana in butt dragging.]

Laney: Okay... But what about you, Lincoln. I casted a spell and turned you to a statue.

[Lincoln shakes his head. And he and Lynn chased around the room, Lynn touches him and Lincoln freezes up like a statue]

Laney: Oh, you were playing freeze tag? [Lynn and Lincoln nod] But what about Lola? I made her lose her hair. [Lola shakes her head and holds out a green bottle] You used hair gel? [Lola points to Lisa] Oh, Lisa's experimental hair gel. [Lola nods and uses Lisa's hair gel and more hair falls out. Lola is silently shocked] Wait! Luna! I made a spell to remove music from your guitar.

[Luna shakes her head and pushes in the amp from her room and tries to play her guitar, but no sound was coming out. She banged on the amp]

Laney: There's something wrong with your amp? [Luna gave her a thumbs up] But, Leni. I made you cluck like a chicken! [Leni shows Laney a cartoon about a chicken on her phone. Then acts like one to entertain Lily]

Lily: [laughs and claps her hands]

Laney: Oh, you were only acting like a chicken for Lily? [Leni nods]

Lucy: Wait. What about you, Lisa? Didn't my spell make your fingers sticky?

[Lisa shakes her head and brings in her board showing a complex equation.]

Lucy: I...don't understand any of that.

[Lisa holds out a tape recorder and plays a recording.]

Recording: Day 1,482 in the lab: accidentally spilled new formula, but turns out to be excellent adhesive. Apply for patent immediately.

[The recording ends]

Lucy: Okay. Well, We're still sorry for casting those spells, even if they didn't work.

Laney: We were just so tired of you all treating us like we don't exist. And when i found out about the spellbook I... got a little crazy.

Lucy: I guess we should've have made more of an effort to tell you guys how we felt.

[Lincoln then writes something on the other side of Lisa's blackboard and flips it over to show it.]

Lucy: [reads] " **We're sorry, too."** [Luan adds something]

Laney: [reads] **"We'll try not to walk all over you anymore."**

[Leni goes up to the board and draws a Tic-Tac-Toe grid with an X in the lower left square.]

Lucy: Uh...okay. Thanks, Leni.

[Luna notices the time on the alarm clock and signals Lucy by pretending to have fangs.]

Lucy: What? Oh! My show's on?

[The others signal her to come along.]

Lucy: You guys want to watch it, too?

[They give her a thumbs-up and head downstairs and Lucy and Laney smile.]

Lucy: That's awesome. We'll be right down. I just have to take care of one thing.

[Back in the attic, Lucy and Laney are putting all the things they found in the trunk away.]

Laney: Well, I certainly learned my lesson. Next time I'll just talk to my siblings before doing anything rash like casting spells on them. Even though they never worked, but still. It sure was great to believe there was actually such thing as real magic.

Lucy: For all it's worth, you would've made a great witch.

Laney: Thanks, but I wouldn't use the term "Witch". So, you coming?

Lucy: Yeah, just a minute. I'll catch up. [Laney walks downstairs. Lucy then talks to the photo of Great Grandma Harriet] Well, Great-Grandma Harriet, I guess this book of spells didn't work after all. [holds up a photo of her and her siblings.] But that's okay. because I got a pretty magical result all the same.

[She puts the photo of her and her siblings next to Harriet's and leaves. Just then, a lightning flash occurs, and the photo of Harriet mysteriously changes her expression from a frown to a smile.]


	61. Dance, Dance Resolution

**Dance, Dance Resolution**

[Lincoln's school; the cafeteria. Zach, Rusty, and Liam are grooming themselves. Suddenly, the doors open up and some girls approach.]

Rusty: Oh, here they come! These ladies are definitely gonna ask us.

[They pose for the girls, but they just walk right past them to their disappointment.]

Liam: Man, we're never gonna get dates.

Zach: Hold it! Here comes a girl.

Rusty: No, it's just Lincoln's sisters. [Laney walks by]

Laney: What's the occasion, boys.

Liam: Tonight's the school's Sadie Hawkins dance and we boys are trying to score hot dates.

Laney: A dance? [thoughts] _If Joey sees my dance moves, he'll see how cool I really am!_

Rusty: I don't suppose you want to reconsider asking me?

Laney: Sorry, I'm spoken for. [leaves]

Rusty: Aw.

Laney: [As she walks] Now, maybe I should start off with a pivot twirl then a moonwalk. No, the moonwalk's too retro. Maybe I can add a few spins and a tap solo. No, what am I thinking. Maybe I can use a disco hustle with two- [hits Ronnie Anne and falls down] OH!

Ronnie Anne: Hey! Watch where your going, will ya.

Laney: Sorry, whenever I get this excited over something I get too lost in my thoughts.

Ronnie Anne: You don't say. [notices] Hey, didn't I see you before?

Laney: Well yes. I was covered in garbage and pranks with Lincoln last April Fools.

Ronnie Anne: Oh, yeah. You're one of Lincoln's sisters. Didn't really catch your name, though.

Laney: Laney.

Ronnie Anne: Cool. Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna keep looking for your brother.

Laney: Ooh! Are you going to take him to the dance too?

Ronnie Anne: What? No! There's 2-for-1 deal at the arcade!

Laney: Oh, okay. See ya. [leaves]

Ronnie Anne: Pfft. Who cares about a dumb school dance?

[Cut to the Loud House after school. Laney is in her room wearing a red sparkily dress with a snow white gown and practacing her dances]

Laney: [practcing her dancing] Okay, so maybe I should go with a one-step one-step pattern followed by a... Hm. What should I end it with... I know! Maybe I should do a split. [Tries to do a split, then Lori comes in]

Lori: Hey, Laney.

Laney: Gah!

Lori: [notices Laney's outfit] What are you wearing?

Laney: Oh, nothing. Just a little something for tonight's school dance.

Lori: Aw. Is Joey gonna be there.

Laney: Uh, maybe?

Lori: Oh, that is the sweetest! At least you have someone to take you. Ronnie Anne didn't ask Lincoln out. Well, you have a good time. [leaves]

Laney: I thought Ronnie Anne wasn't interested in the dance. [ponders for a moment then shrugs]

Later that night, everyone was having a great time at the school dance. Wish I could say the same for Lincoln, who is having trouble of his own.

[The dance. Everyone is out on the dance floor and Lincoln is getting a raffle ticket from his teacher.]

Mrs. Johnson: And here's your raffle ticket.

Lincoln: Ooh! There's a raffle?

Mrs. Johnson: Yep. The winner gets to have lunch with me in the teachers' lounge.

[Lincoln's facial expression shows he doesn't like that prize.]

Clyde: Good news, Lincoln. I've checked the entire gym, and Ronnie Anne is nowhere to be found.

Lincoln: Oh, that's a relief. I can't let Ronnie Anne see me here after I avoided her all day. It'll really hurt her feelings. Besides, I have enough on my hands juggling four dates.

Clyde: Don't worry. I've got everything we need to make the night go smoothly: binoculars, stopwatch, dossiers on each of the lovely ladies, and, lastly, a hidden microphone and receiver. [pointing to the rafters] I'll be your eyes in the sky. Now, let's move out!

[Rusty, Zach, Liam, and Joey are hanging out dateless.]

Lincoln: Hey, guys. Did you get dates?

Liam: Nah. We're just here for the raffle. I've always wanted to see the teachers' lounge.

Joey: Indeed. Though, I'm here to simpily enjoy this celebration.

Lincoln: Hard to do that without a date, huh?

Joey: Quite. But it's not like a cute girl is going to come out that door. [Just then, Laney burst through the door. The boys were surprised to see what she was wearing. Joey was blushing]

Rusty: [pouted] Lucky. [Laney walks up to Joey]

Joey: Laney? Is that you?

Laney: Yeah. So you like my dress.

Joey: [nevously] Uh, yeah. Looks great... So uh, didn't expect you to be here tonight.

Laney: Well, I have to come here! There's something I need to show you something!

Joey: Uh... I'll go get us some punch. [leaves to do so]

Laney: Okay, Laney. So far so good. Now I just need to pull off the right dance moves and Joey will be so impressed.

Joey: Okay Joey, so far so good. She doesn't know your secret. Just keep this up and It won't come to the last dance... [Joey pours two cups of punch and walks over to Laney]

Laney: Ah, Joey! You're back. [He gives Laney a cup of punch] So, anyway. I don't really like to brag, but, when you live with 11 siblings you learn a thing or two. Like check this out! I learned this with Lynn. [Laney began dancing. She done a few twists followed by moonwalk and a few tap dances. Joey was facinated by Laney's moves. She finishes] So what do you think?

Joey: I think it's... wonderful.

Laney: I knew you would like it! So what kind of dances are you into?

Joey: Uhh... [points to something] Look! Uh.. Isn't that your brother? [Laney looks at Lincoln who was with a girl wearing a clown costume]

Laney: Why, yes it is. Looks like he's scored a date after all. Let's go see him. [grabs Joey and walks over to Lincoln] Hey, Lincoln. Who's your friend?

Lincoln: Oh, hey, guys. This is Giggles. Giggles, this is my sister Laney.

Giggles: Pleased to meet ya. [Laney shakes her hand but gets zapped by her joy buzzer. Giggles laughs]

Joey: Hey! Where are you going off zapping my friend.

Giggles: Calm down, kid. It's only a joke. Jeez, what a buzzkill. [laughs]

Joey: Oh... It was a joke. Sorry, I don't get practical jokes. [Lincoln overhears Clyde in his earpiece]

Lincoln: Gotta go! [runs off]

Laney: I wonder where's he off to? Oh well. So, anyway. I'd really like to see you dance, Joey.

The british boy had to think fast to hide his secret, so he looked around for another distraction.

Joey: Uh, I gotta go use the boy's room. [runs off to do so]

Laney sighed as she thought why Joey was acting all secretive. Could it be that he didn't really like her dance move. Maybe he was too embarassed to even be seen with her. Laney was shocked at the very thought and went down to have a seat.

Laney: [thoughts] _What if Joey's acting like this just to stay away from me. I knew shouldnt've added the moonwalk. What was I thinking, it was so lame. Oh, I screwed up big time! Maybe I can in him back If I can do another disco performance with trple spins and-_

Ronnie Anne: [off-screen] Hey.

Laney: Huh? [Laney looks up to see Ronnie Anne in front of her] Ronnie Anne? I thought you said you don't wann a come to this dance.

Ronnie Anne: I did. I'm only here because I couldn't find your brother.

Laney: Oh. Well, have you seen Joey?

Ronne Anne: Joey? Who's Joey?

Laney: My friend. He's been trying to avoid me all night. I worry it's because he thinks my dance moves were so lame. I should've used a double tap twister with a samba shake and finished with a backwards twirl and a split. You know what I'm saying? [Ronnie Anne is baffled at what Laney just said]

Ronnie Anne: No wonder he's hiding from you. You're turning dancing into homework! You shouldn't organize your dance moves. Just do what feels right. You know, go with the flow. You know what I'M saying? [Laney smiles as she thought about it]

Laney: You know what? I think I do.

Lincoln: [off-screen; electronic voice] All right, party people, I wanna see you on the dance floor! [plays the music]

Ronnie Anne: [sighs] Laters. [she leaves]

After hearing what Ronnie Anne said. Confidence grows in Laney, making her believe that she could win back Joey without any practice. Meanwhile, Joey was trying to keep it together for Laney, he doesn't know how long he can keep this up. Later, he gets out and Laney sees him. Giving her the opportunity to make the performance of her life.

Clyde: Haiku, I have to be honest. My heart belongs to an older woman. [shows her a picture of Lori]

Haiku: That's okay. My heart belongs to an older man. [opens a locket showing a picture of Count Dracula.] He just turned 200.

Clyde: [nodding in agreement] Unrequited love. Am I right? [Joey walks in]

Joey: Uh, pardon me. Have any of you seen Laney?

Clyde: No, why do you want to see her?

Joey: Because, I feel like i've been ignoring her all night. There's something I want to say to her.

Clyde: Like what?

Joey: Well...

Joey was interrupted when the lights start to go off and everyone gasped at this until a spotlight was shown on Laney. Music began to play and she began to dance with her heart. She didn't even practice or chose any of her moves, she just did what felt right to her. Everyone was amazed of how well she performed. She danced like as if no one was watching. She twirled, she moonwalked, she shook her hips to the beat. Everyone applauded when she finished and she walked towards Joey.

Laney: So, what do you think of me now?

Joey: [blushed] Uh... Laney... I... That was amazing!

Laney: You don't mean that!

Joey: Of course I do!

Laney: Then why were you trying to hide from me all night?

Joey: [sighs] I have a confession to make... [takes a deep breath] I... can't dance. [Laney was surprised by this]

Laney: What?

Joey: That's the only reason I kept hiding from you. So you wouldn't be embarrassed...

Laney: Joey. Why didn't you say so. I would've understand. Heck! I've been practicing my dance moves all the time in secret. Maybe I can teach them to you.

Joey: Wow, thanks Laney. But, I had enough dancing for one day. How about we go for a few sodas?

Laney: That would be lovely. [They hold hands as they leave the gymnasium. Lincoln sees them and looks to the viewers]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] How about that? I guess tonight worked out for everyone.

Ronnie Anne: Hey, Lincoln.

Lincoln: [Got startled after Ronnie Anne appeared behind him.] GYAH! Well, except for me. Guess it's time to come clean. [to his girlfriend] Ronnie Anne, I'm really sorry. I know I hurt your feelings. I should have just let you ask me to the dance.

Ronnie Anne: What are you talking about?

Lincoln: Isn't that why you were looking for me today?

Ronnie Anne: [laughs] To ask you to a lame dance? No. I wanted to invite you to the arcade. There's a two-for-one deal tonight. Since I couldn't find you, I just came here.

[Lincoln smacks his forehead from his misinterpretation.]

Ronnie Anne: [realizing what her boyfriend asked] Wait. So, you knew I was looking for you?

Lincoln: [guilty] Yeah. I was kinda ducking you. Sorry.

Ronnie Anne: Not cool, Lincoln. [Lincoln frowns in guilt] But to be honest, if I thought you were gonna ask me to the dance tonight, I would have ducked you, too.

Lincoln: [smiling] So, we're cool?

Ronnie Anne: We're cool.

DJ: We're gonna close out Sadie Hawkins with a slow song. And if you liked what you heard tonight, I'll be spinning at the Feinstein Bar Mitzvah this Saturday. Peace!

[Meanwhile, outside the school. Laney and Joey were sitting down to some sodas]

Joey: Ahh. You know, Laney. I feel like I could trust you with everything.

Laney: That's because I understand people. People like you. [They smile at each other] So, friends?

Joey: Best friends. [as they hold hands]

Laney: [sighs] Guess, everyone's finding love nowadays. I wonder how Lincoln and Ronnie Anne are doing?

[Meanwhile]

Lincoln: Should we do this?

Ronnie Anne: I'm game if you are.

[The two of them are ready to do it and reveal to be playing on a dance game machine at the arcade.]

Game Machine: DANCE BATTLE START!

[The two start playing and dancing to the beat for the high score.]

Lincoln: Ooh, watch this.

Ronnie Anne: Oh, I'm better.

[The two continue to play and dance to their hearts' content.]


	62. Funny Business

**Funny Business**

It was a peaceful day in the Loud house. One which you don't find very often in this house. Laney was quietly trading reads with her beloved brother, Lincoln.

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Ahh, nothing like reading comics on a peaceful summer-

[A horn is honking and Lincoln screams, startled at the sound; it came from Luan in her clown outfit carrying her birthday props on a unicycle.]

Laney: Hey, Luan.

Luan: Woah! A little help? [falls off her unicycle]

Lincoln: [helps her up] Back from another birthday party?

Luan: [a bowling pin falls out of her mouth] Uh, my third gig this weekend. I could really use an assistant. Hey, what about you two? Laney, you're a huge load of help. And Lincoln, you're good with Gary.

[Gary chomps on Lincoln's comic.]

Lincoln: Hey, stop that! I thought Lucy was helping you.

[Flashback of Luan performing balloon animals at a circus themed birthday party.]

Luan: And now, if my assistant will just hand me one more balloon, we'll have a pterodactyl.

[As Luan sees an empty corner, Lucy appears behind her with a balloon and startles her.]

Boy: [To Lucy] You killed the dinosaur!

[The kids start booing. A red FIRED sign appears over Lucy's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]

Luan: [Picks up a rubber chicken] Lucy didn't work out. Neither did Lynn.

[Flashback of Luan juggling fruit while riding on a unicycle at a pirate themed birthday party.]

Luan: Water you say we add some melon?

[The kids cheer. Lynn throws a watermelon, but accidentally hits Luan. The kids boo the performance. A red FIRED sign appears over Lynn's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]

Luan: Or Leni.

[Flashback to another circus themed birthday party.]

Luan: Why are clowns never bored? Cause we're good at keeping occu- pied . [clears throat] I said, good at keeping occu-pied .

[Luan looks where Leni is, but there's nothing there but a pie. She turns and sees Leni in the crowd. Luan facepalms at this, walks to the pie and slaps it to her face, making the kids and Leni cheer. A red FIRED sign appears over Leni's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]

Luan: Or Lisa.

[Flashback to a medieval themed birthday party as Luan does a trumpet fanfare dressed as a jester.]

Luan: Hey, Birthday Boy. Why don't you take the seat of honor?

[As the boy sits down, a farting noise from the Whoopee cushion is heard which Luan and the other kids laugh at.]

Lisa: [taking the cake away] No, no! No one eat that cake! It clearly causes gastrointestinal distress.

[The kids start crying. A red FIRED sign appears over Lisa's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]

Laney: Well, Luan. We'd be glad to be your fifth and sixth choices. Right, Lincoln.

Lincoln: [sarcastic] Yeah, I'm honored.

Luan: Come on, Lincoln. Please? I really need your help.

Lincoln: I don't know. I´m not really the performing type. I don't want to make a fool of myself on stage.

Luan: Don't worry. That's my job. All you two have to do is help with the props.

Lincoln: Uh, I don't know think it's for- [notices Luan holding a slice of cake in a container.] What's that?

Luan: Ah, just birthday cake. I always get sent home with leftovers.

Lincoln: Oh... [starts drooling upon seeing the dessert.]

Luan: Usually I share it with my assistant. But since this job isn't for you-

Lincoln: [Takes the cake] When did I say that?

Laney: I think he's in!

[Luan smiles, A green HIRED sign appears over Lincoln and Laney's Funny Business ID Cards and a bell rings.]

[At the first birthday party, like the one Leni got fired after, Luan is setting up the pie joke from earlier.]

Luan: Why are clowns never bored? Cause we're good at keeping occu- pied .

Laney: [From backstage] That's our cue. [Lincoln is about to throw the pie at Luan's face, but loses balance after tripping on a whipped cream can, Laney grabs the can, but whipped cream is sprayed in her face] Ah! Whipped cream in my eye! Blinding yet delicious! [she stumbles until she slipped and fell onto the presents same as Lincoln]

Lincoln: Sorry!

[The kids are laughing and cheering.]

[Lincoln and Luan are on their way home.]

Lincoln: That was awesome. The part when I tripped and then the audience laughed, and then clapped? Amazing!

Laney: [As she wipes off the whipped cream with a towel] Yeah... but it wasn't with us.

Luan: Glad you enjoyed it. Now here, I need you to clean this. Gary pooped in it.

[Lincoln and Laney get grossed out while a green stinky fume comes out of the top hat.]

Laney: Ugh! That's your cue, Lincoln.

[At the second birthday party, which is another pirate theme, Luan is juggling fruit while riding on her unicycle.]

Luan: Water you say we add some melon?

[The kids cheer. Lincoln appears running on a watermelon.]

Lincoln: [loses balance] Whoa, nelly! [falls on it]

[The kids laugh, Laney runs over to clean up the mess but she slips on a watermelon rind and crashes into Luan. She glares at Laney and two strawberries and a banana to form a smiley face falls on her]

[Luna's and Luan's room]

Lincoln: Man, great crowd, huh?

Luan: Yeah, super. So, what was that all about with the watermelon?

Laney: I'm so sorry, Luan. I was just trying to help. Honest I was.

Lincoln: Laney's fumble was a complete accident. But the way I did it really reeled in the audience so-

Luan: Let me worry about the audience. You take care of deodorizing these clown shoes.

[Lincoln exits the room while taking the clown shoes]

Laney: I'm really sorry for what happened back there. I wasn't trying to be funny.

Luan: Well, the audience seem to think that!

Laney: Luan! I hate people laughing at me! I've never been so embarrased in my life! How is this supposed to be comedy?

Luan: Hmm... Perhaps you need a little lesson on comedy. But, I'll give you another chance. But I'm not sure If Lincoln gets the picture.

Laney: I promise Luan, that Lincoln and I aren't trying to steal your fans.

[At the third birthday party, like the one Lucy got fired after, Luan is making something with balloons.]

Luan: And now, if my assistant will hand me one more balloon, we'll have a pterodactyl.

Lincoln: [high-pitched voice while covered in balloons.] I went a little overboard with the helium.

Laney: Lincoln! [comes from backstage to get the balloons off Lincoln. But one of the balloons deflate, making a farting sound. The kids laugh at this] No! Not funny!

Lincoln: Whoa, good gravy! [slips and the two of them fall off the stage]

[Luan shakes in anger.]

[At the fourth birthday party, Luan juggles plates on her nose and both hands.]

Luan: What did one plate say to the other? Lunch' is on me.

[She and the kids laugh.]

Lincoln: [holding a stack of plates] Gadzooks! [loses balance and lets his plates and Luan's plates fall down and break.]

[The kids crack up.]

Lincoln: I guess lunch is on me.

[As the kids laugh, Luan gets ticked off at Lincoln.]

Bratty Kid´s Mom: [laughing] He is hilarious!

Fat Mom: I know. LOL. I just learned what that means.

[The other moms look at her unimpressed.]

[At the fifth birthday party, which is another medieval theme, Luan does a trumpet fanfare.]

Luan: All right, Birthday boy. Why don´t you take the seat of honor?

[As Lincoln sits on the seat, the Whoopee cushion's farting noise is heard from under it.]

Lincoln: Holy macaroni! [Lincoln falls back on the chair and Laney tries to push it back but gets crushed and a loud crash was heard]

[The kids laugh like always; Lincoln is signing autographs while Luan angrily puts away her clown stuff. Laney is seen bandaging her wounds]

[while going back home]

Lincoln: Boy, we are killing it. But I've been thinking, maybe you should do a little less of the talky stuff and more of the pratfalls. And Laney you keep trying to help and hurt yourself failing.

[Enraged, Luan then drop all of her supplies and turns to Lincoln, he's shocked.]

Luan: Are you kidding me?!

Lincoln: What?

Luan: Look, Lincoln. Just because you got a few laughs does not make you an expert on clowning. There's a lot more to it than just falling on your butt.

Laney: And getting yourself hurt!

Lincoln: Well, the audience sure seems to like my-

Luan: Lincoln, enough! No more pratfalls. I am the clown. You are the assistant. Now go refill these whoopee cushions.

Lincoln: But they're already inflated.

[Luan deflates them at her brother's face.]

Luan: [frustrated] Not anymore!

[Luan walks to the house, opens the door then slams it.]

Lincoln: Oh, yeah?! Well, that would've been funnier if you'd fallen on your butt!

[At Luna and Luan's room, Lincoln is refilling the whoopee cushions.]

Lincoln: How dare she speak to me like that! [inflates a whoopee cushion] After everything I've done for this business?

Laney: All you've ever done was fall on your butt and include my misfortunes.

Lincoln: Don't be like that, Lanes. The crowd loves you just as much as they love me. We can share the fame.

Laney: No way! There is no fame to share with- [Phone rings] Huh?

Lincoln: [answers it] Funny Business, Inc. Your fun is our business. Lincoln speaking.

Woman on the phone: [chatters]

Lincoln: Yes, we're available the 11th.

Woman on the phone: [chatters]

Lincoln: What?

Woman on the phone: [chatters]

Lincoln: Oh, really?

Woman on the phone: [chatters]

Lincoln: Great. See you the 11th.

[Luan walks into her room.]

Luan: Who did we just book?

Lincoln: Actually, the correct question would be, who did.. [pulls Laney in] we just book?

Laney: Please don't include me.

Lisa: [calling from her and Lily's room] You're both wrong! It´s 'whom'! [slams her door]

Lincoln: They only wanted me.

Luan: Yeah, right.

Lincoln: It's true. You may not recognize my talent, but apparently the birthday party community does.

Luan: So, what are you gonna do for your act? Fall on your butt for an hour?

Lincoln: That's exactly what I'm going to do, cause the audiences love it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go put on my padded underwear.

[Luan gets angry, kicks the glass case and it shatters. Gary hops down and eats some cake.]

Lincoln: Come, Laney. Our public awaits.

Laney: Your public awaits. I am done hurting myself for other peoples amusement! There's nothing you can say that can make me part of your insipid comedy troupe!

Lincoln: I'll let you have some leftover cake.

Laney: [already dressed in clown attire] I'm in!

[At the sixth and last birthday party]

Lincoln: So, how old is the birthday girl? Four? Five?

Maggie's Mom: Thirteen.

[It's revealed that the birthday party is full of emo tweens. One of them hits a pinata and hugs it immediately.]

Laney: Goths. It had to be goths.

Lincoln: Oh. A little older than usual crowd, but no problem. Our comedy is ageless.

[The next scene, Lincoln throws a banana peel on stage.]

Lincoln: Hey, guys! Who's ready to laugh? [slips on a banana peel] Whoopsie doodle! Now who put this here?

Maggie: Um, you did, obviously.

Lincoln: [whispers] Laney. That's your cue.

Laney: [sighs] The things I do for cake. [comes out with a mop; acts clumsy] Don't worry, Lincoln. I'll clean it up for you. [trips on the mop] Oop! [falls down] Silly me.

Lincoln: [As Laney gets up] Here, sis. These glasses will help you see better. [gives Laney a pair of gag glasse and she wears them and the eyes pop out]

Laney: Gee, that's better! [tries to walk but bumps into Lincoln and they fell onto Maggie's poster]

Lincoln: Eye-a-watha! Guess you should get that perscription checked, Laney!

Maggie: Mom, look what those loser clowns did to my poster.

[Lincoln and Laney take the poster off them. The emos get their phones out and text.]

Lincoln: Oh, look at that! I have a message, too! Mom, didn't I tell you not to text me at... [falls on the table as the cake flies into the air.] Whoa! [the cake lands on Laney.]

Laney: Ugh!

Lincoln: Remember, guys. Never walk and text!

Tween #1: Ugh, now he's gonna lecture us?

Maggie: [scowls] They ruined my cake! Mom, why did you hire them? I swear, if I had a door around me, I would slam it so hard right now!

Lincoln: Um, excuse me, everyone. There will now be a brief, unscheduled intermission. Text amongst yourselves!

[Lincoln and Laney run off stage but are stopped by Maggie's Mom.]

Maggie's Mom: Where are you going? I paid you two to perform for an hour.

Laney: We're doing the best we could. But they aren't laughing.

Maggie's Mom: Well, try something else. You're professional clowns, aren't you?

[Lincoln looks over at the other parents.]

Dad #1: Remind me not to book Funny Business, Inc. for my kid's birthday.

Fat Mom: Me neither.

Bratty Kid's Mom: Oh, me neither. I don't want my kid to hate me.

Lincoln: Sorry, gotta run to the little clown's room.

[Lincoln and Laney run inside a photo booth to call Luan with his phone.]

Luan: Funny Business, Inc. Your fun is our business!

Lincoln: Luan!

Luan: [makes static noises] I'm sorry, I can't hear you. My clown car's going through a tunnel.

[As Luan hangs up the phone, it rings again and she answers again.]

Lincoln: Luan, it's me.

Luan: I know. That's why I hung up.

[She hangs up the phone again, but it rings once again and she answers once more. She looks irritated.]

Luan: This is a business line, Lincoln! What do you want?

Laney: It's not Lincoln. It's me, Laney. I know you won't listen to him because he has an ego the size of his shoes.

Lincoln: [off-screen] Hey!

Laney: But, listen to the only sister who's only trying to help. You have to come here and help us!

Luan: Why should I help Lincoln? I thought he was the clowning expert.

Lincoln: No, I'm not. You are. You told me there's a lot more to clowning than just falling on your butt, and you were right. Will you please come help us?

Luan: I don't know, Lincoln. Maybe bombing would be a good learning experience for you.

Laney: Please, Luan! The fate of Funny Buisness Inc. depends on it!

Luan: What do you mean?

Lincoln: I think we're ruining the buisness's reputation.

Laney: What do you mean we?

Lincoln: These parents are brutal!

Luan: Don't move! I'll be right there. [hangs up and puts on her helmet, which produces a bizarre squishing sound, meaning only one thing.] Ugh, Gary!

[Gary nervously blushes]

[As Lincoln is still in the photo booth looking nervous, Luan appears on her unicycle.]

Lincoln: Luan! Wait, how did you know I was in here?

Luan: [holds out some photos of Lincoln from the photo booth. Most show Lincoln looking freaked out. Only one he posed for.] Well, this was a pretty good clue.

Lincoln: Oh! So, what's the plan?

Luan: Okay, let's see what we've got here.[observes the crowd] Hmm, Emo tweens. Notoriously tough crowd. But, don't worry, this isn't my first mope fest.

[The next scene, Luan is seen on stage dressed as a mime and pretends to be trapped inside a box.]

Maggie: Oh, I get it. She's, like, trapped in a box. That's exactly how I felt when my mom said I couldn't dye my hair purple.

[Lincoln, who is also dressed as a mime, look from backstage and smile while Luan pretends to climb a ladder.]

Tween #1: Wow. It's like the soul crushing pointlessness of seventh grade.

[Luan goes backstage to get Laney and Lincoln, who is feeling nervous.]

Luan: You ready to do this?

Lincoln: [nervously] I don't know.

Luan: You'll be fine. Just follow my lead.

[Both Lincoln and Luan walk onstage and do a mirror routine. As Laney watched from backstage]

Maggie: Wow! It's about how we're all just, like, clones.

Tween #2: That's what I was gonna say.

Maggie: Exactly.

[Lincoln and Luan finish their routine and the goth kids slowly give an applause.]

Dad #1: I have to get their business card.

[The other parents murmur in agreement.]

Bratty Kid's Mom: Well, I call the weekend of the 22nd.

[The goth kids start cheering and a single black rose is tossed onto stage as Luan picks it up.]

[Later, Lincoln, Laney, and Luan are heading home.]

Lincoln: Thanks for saving my butt. You were amazing out there. And I'm sorry for the way I was acting.

Luan: It's okay. I remember how great it was to get my first big laugh. I shouldn't have been so harsh. Still my assistants?

Laney: No thanks, I had enough comedy for one day. [rubbing her wounds] Now I know what they mean when they say laugh till it hurts. Oh...

Lincoln: Let me get those for you. [accidentally rips the bag and slips on the spilled whoopee cushions.] Whoa!

[Lincoln lands on them, which all make farting sounds.]

Luan: [chuckles] You know, that actually was kind of funny. Here, let me help... [Her unicycle slips on another whoopee cushion, sending her flying.] Whoa, good gravy! [lands on the whoopee cushions and Lincoln and they laugh.]

Laney: Hold on, I... [slips on the whoopee cushions] Eye-a-watha! [lands on the whoopee cushions and laughs with her siblings]

[The three siblings do pratfalls as they land on the whoopee cushions and laugh again.]


	63. Cereal Offender

**Cereal Offender**

[Lincoln is eating cereal and watching a commercial for a new one.]

Announcer: Bored of the same old breakfast?

Lincoln: [looks down at his cereal] Yes...

Announcer: Then try Zombie Bran! The cereal that turns you into the walking fed!

[A box of Zombie Bran appears on-screen and the kids in the commercial have turned into zombies from eating it.]

Zombie Girl: [zombie voice] Braaaaan!

Zombie Boy: [zombie voice] Braaaaan! BRAAAAAN!

Lincoln: [filled with desire] Must...have...Zombie Bran! [runs to the kitchen!] Mom! MOM!

[In the kitchen, Rita is using a plunger to unclog the sink.]

Rita: What on Earth is down here?

Lincoln: Mom! Mom! Can we please get Zombie Bran cereal? [cutely pleading] Please please please please please please?

Rita: Sorry, sweetie. We've got a very tight budget. And by the time I get everything on my grocery list, there's no money leftover for treats.

[The grocery list is shown to be very long.]

Lincoln: Hmm... [gets an idea] What if I could get everything on here and still have enough money leftover for Zombie Bran?

Rita: You wanna do the shopping for me? I don't know, Lincoln. It's a big responsibility; I'm not sure you can handle it.

Lincoln: I can, Mom! I promise! And think of what you could do with all that time to yourself.

[Rita suddenly imagines herself at a spa where she has gotten a facial with cucumber slices covering her eyes, getting a massage and a manicure and enjoying a smoothie.]

Rita: Mmm...ah, yes...

[She belches upon sipping her smoothie and sighs with relief; end fantasy.]

Rita: Deal. But just this once, okay?

Lincoln: YES! [acts like a zombie] Braaaaan...BRAAAAAN!

[Rita finds the source of the clog in the sink, which is Luan's multiple handkerchief prop.]

Rita: Oh, so that's it! [pulls out all the handkerchiefs] LUAN, NO MORE COMEDY PROPS IN THE SINK!

[Lincoln is checking the shopping supplies.]

Lincoln: Reusable bags, calculator, more reusable bags...

[Enter Lori]

Lori: Lincoln! I'm going shopping with you! Bobby literally just got a job as a stock boy.

[The rest of his sisters join in and wanna come along.]

Lincoln: Sorry, guys. I'm a man on a mission and you'll just get in my way.

Laney: I'll help you shop, Lincoln.

Lynn: Yeah! Us too!

[The others agree with Lynn; Lincoln takes a look at the long list.]

Lincoln: Okay, fine. I guess I could use a little help.

Sisters: YAY!

[Enter Lily playing with a pretend shopping cart, wanting to coming along, too.]

Sisters: Aww...

Lincoln: [picks her up] Sorry, Lily. You're staying with Dad. [Lily whacks him with her purse.] Ow!

[The Loud's arrive at Super Mart.]

Rita: Alright, Lincoln. Here's the list, and here's exactly $200. [gives him the list and money; excited] I'll be back in an hour! I'm off to get my first pedicure in 17 years!

[Lincoln enters the store, and there's a sign promoting Zombie Bran.]

Lincoln: You will be mine. [his sisters enter] Ready, guys?

[Enter the manager]

Manager: Whoa, whoa! What do you hooligans think you're doing?

Lincoln: We're shopping for our mom, sir.

Lori: [notices Bobby and gasps] Bobby Boo-Boo Bear!

[Bobby is stocking paper towel rolls.]

Bobby: Babe!

[They hug]

Laney: I don't believe this, he works here now?

Lori: I love a man in uniform!

Bobby: It's okay, boss. I know them.

Manager: [hostilely] Very reassuring, Boo-Boo Bear. [checks their list] Huh...eggs, milk...okay, okay. Looks legit. [threateningly] But any monkey business, and you're all out on your keisters! [leaves]

Lincoln: Alright, guys, you heard him! You all have to be on your best behavior! Now, if we each take a section of Mom's list-

[The girls run over him and go off into different sections of the store.]

Lincoln: I should have known...I've been played...

Laney: Don't worry, Lincoln. I'll keep them under control. You just complete that list.

Lincoln: I can always count on you, Laney. [Laney runs after her sisters]

[The list reads for eggs that are not cracked, milk that's not spoiled, instant noodles, onions and potatoes.]

Lincoln: I've got $200. I just need a way to save $4. [finds a dented can of tomato sauce.] Ooh! 10 cents off the dented one! A couple more savings like this and I'll have enough for my Zombie Bran!

[Lynn is speeding on a shopping cart.]

Lynn: YIPPEE-KI-YEE, MARKET SHOPPERS! YAYAYAYAYAYA-WOO! [runs into and picks up Lincoln.]

Lincoln: Lynn! [looks at Laney inside the cart] Laney! I thought you were watching over the sisters!

Laney: Uhh... minor setback?

Lincoln: [notices the manager polishing a chicken rotisserie and gasps.] Eject! EJECT!

[The cart goes wheeling by and the manager goes after it; Lynn and Laney has landed in the marshmallow bin.]

Lynn: Ah, nice! Ha ha! Soft landing.

[Lincoln has landed in the pineapple box.]

Lincoln: Ugh. Maybe for you.

[A kid who looks eerily identical to Lincoln with bleach blonde hair, an orange shirt, blue jeans and a white beanie notices him and laughs at his painful landing. Laney sees the kid and is baffled.]

Laney: [thoughts] _Is it my imagination, or is that kid look a bit like Lincoln?_

[Laney walks with Lincoln as he continues shopping]

Laney: Maybe it's safer if I just help you with your shopping. We'll keep down our crazy sisters easier that way.

Lincoln: Good idea, Laney. [finds out he still has a pineapple on the seat of his pants and pulls it out, leaving some painful aftershocks.] YEOWCH! [tosses pineapple away and checks the list.] Okay. Where were we? Milk.

[In the dairy section, Luan is juggling eggs.]

Luan: Step right up, folks, to see some eggs-cellent juggling! [laughs] Get it? [drops the eggs on a passing customer.] Whoops! Oh, looks like the yolk's on you! [laughs again]

Lincoln: Luan! Cut it out! [he and Laney notice the manager checking inventory.]

Laney: I got this!

[Now Luan is balancing eggs on her head.]

Luan: Whoa! How's this for a balanced breakfast? [laughs some more]

[Laney grabs Luan and juggles the eggs and puts them back in the carton. The manager looks around. He steps on the pineapple Lincoln disposed of previously]

Manager: YEOWCH! WHO DID THIS?! [looks around] We've got a hooligan in our midst...

[Lincoln, Laney, and Luan are hiding under the shopping cart.]

Luan: Ah, he's no fun. I was on an egg roll! Get it? [laughs as Lincoln and Laney groan. Lincoln and Laney have just done more shopping]

Lincoln: Okay, that's another 50 cents saved for old lettuce.

Laney: Wouldn't it be easier if we just buy fresh lettuce.

Lincoln: Fresh lettuce doesn't save money, Lanes.

Laney: Why are you so determined to save money?

Lincoln: Uhh...

[The intercom comes on]

Manager: [on the intercom] Attention, shoppers! We have a 2 for 1 sale on waffles!

Lincoln: Ooh! A sale! [heads over to the frozen food section and picks up two boxes of frozen waffles.] 2 for 1! [calculates] That puts me another buck closer to Zombie Bran!

Laney: [to herself] Zombie Bran? So that's what he's after...

Woman: AAAHH! THERE'S A CHILD IN THE FROZEN PEAS! AAAHH! [runs away]

[Lincoln and Laney find that it's Lisa.]

Lincoln: Lisa! What are you doing?

Lisa: Research for my cryogenic freezer. The future needs my brain.

Lincoln: I don't believe this.

Laney: Manager! Two-o-clock!

[The manager is coming and Lincoln has gotten Lisa out right before he could check.]

Manager: Doh! Where did that hooligan go?

[The three escape via the snowman display for the frozen foods, and Lincoln and Laney moves onto the seafood aisle]

Lincoln: Okay, talapia. [notices Leni tying balloons to the lobsters and setting them free.]

Leni: Be free! The ocean's that way. Or is it that way?

Laney: I'm not even gonna dignify this with a response.

Lincoln: Leni! What are you doing?

Leni: Can you believe people were going to eat these poor, helpless creatures? [lets another one go]

Lincoln: Leni! No!

[One of the lobsters pops its balloon with its claw and lands on Lincoln's back and snaps his leg]

Laney: I got you, Lincoln! [takes the lobster off him and it snaps her finger] OW! I never liked seafood.

Lincoln: Laney! Hide! [Grabs Laney and hides in the lobster tank with him and Leni]

Manager: What the? Who did this? [notices Lincoln's hair and laughs viciously.] I gotcha now. [one of the lobsters pinches his ankle.] YEOWCH! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW! [crashes off-screen]

Lincoln: [pushing Leni] Go go go go! What is wrong with you guys? I told you I was on a mission, and you're all- [The intercom comes on again] Ooh! Another sale!

[However, it's really Luna on it.]

Luna: [jamming on the intercom] For those about to shop, I salute you!

Laney: Guess again. [She and Lincoln catch Luna during her jam session and puts her in the cart.]

Luna: GOODNIGHT, GROCERY STORE!

[The manager comes by and hangs up the intercom.]

Manager: [determined] I'll get you yet...

[The toiletry aisle]

Lincoln: Let's see...value pack...family pack...ah, here we go! Village pack! [puts a giant pack of three ply toilet paper into the cart and checks it off the list.] Check! Yes! That was the last item. And now for the moment of truth. [takes a deep breath and calculates the total.] And the grand total is...$196, which leaves...4 bucks for Zombie Bran! YES!

Laney: So that's your plan, huh?

Lincoln: Uh... Look, Laney. It's just that I heard about this cereal and I wanted it so bad and I-

Laney: Don't worry, Lincoln. You're not in trouble. I was just surprised on how well you manage money.

Lincoln: Well, I had some experience.

[heads over to the cereal aisle and finds one box of Zombie Bran left.] Phew. Last box. I can't believe it's really-

[That bratty kid who is Lincoln's Doppelganger snatches the box.]

Bratty Kid: Mine!

Lincoln: Hey, you can't do that! I had it first!

Bratty Kid: And I have it now, Pineapple Boy! [runs off laughing with the box.]

Lincoln: [very determined] Oh, you are going down... [gives chase]

Laney: [Yells out to Lincoln] So, we're not gonna question why that kid looks a lot like you? Okay.

[The manager notices him.]

Manager: Oh, you are going down... [gives chase as well]

Laney: Uh Oh. [runs after Lincoln]

[While Lincoln chases after his doppelganger, the twins are squirting each other with produce hoses.]

Lincoln: Guys, please stop! You're gonna get us kicked out!

[The bratty doppelganger knocks over the watermelons, and Lincoln reaches for a fruit scale to dodge them and continues the chase as Laney continues to chase after Lincoln]

Laney: Lincoln, wait! [Gets squirted with a produce hose] Agh!

Lana: Sorry, Lanes! Didn't see ya!

Laney: Stop it! Your gonna get us..[trips on a watermelon] Woah! [falls down and gets a watermelon stuck in her head] Hey! Who turned off the lights? And why does it smell like watermelon in here? [continues to find Lincoln]

[Leni has let all the grilled chickens out of the rotisserie.]

Leni: Go, chickens! Be free!

Lincoln: Please, stop! You're gonna get us kicked out! [continues chase]

Laney: [stumbles around with the watermelon on her head] Lincoln? Where are you? [Laney slips on the grease and slides down the aisles]

[The bratty kid pours a ton of coffee beans out of the dispenser. Lincoln sees Laney sliding through the coffee bean filled aisle, clearing up the path for Lincoln. He runs past the free sample table]

Sample Lady: Sample, dear?

Lincoln: Oh, thank you. [takes a sample and eats it up before resuming.]

[The manager tries swinging on the sausage links only to slip and fall toward the sample table.]

Sample Lady: Oh dear!

[The manager crashes onto the table off-screen and Lincoln is running through the bakery where the bratty lookalike squeezes out liquid butter all over the floor to literally give Lincoln the slip. But Lincoln grabs a shopping basket and uses it to slide right over the butter and notices Lucy mashing cakes together to look like a monster devouring the bride and groom at the top of a wedding cake.]

Lincoln: Please, stop! [Laney crashes into Lucy's cake monster, getting cake all over her]

Lucy: Sigh.

[The manager sees the tip of Lincoln's white hair in the reflecting glass and slips on the butter right into Lucy's cake sculpture. Back at the frozen food section, Lincoln notices the snowman display wearing that kid's shoes.]

Lincoln: Game over, cereal stealer! [tackles the display and finds nothing.] Dang it... [notices the lookalike escape out of the frozen peas.] Hey! [slips on a pea package.]

[The boy gets away, but he sees Laney with a watermelon on her head and covered in cake and coffee beans and moaning like a monster]

Bratty Kid: AHH! MONSTER! [He turns down to the bakery. The manager sees the bleach blonde of the bratty kid's hair and uncovers him under the cart.]

Manager: Gotcha, hooligan!

[The lookalike's mother furiously drags him by his ear toward the exit.]

Bratty Kid's Mom: [furious] I can't believe you got us kicked out of here!

Bratty Kid: Can I just get my cereal?

Bratty Kid's Mom: [takes it and tosses it aside] NO!

[Lincoln catches it in slow motion.]

Bratty Kid: But-but-but...my Zombie Bran!

[Lincoln victoriously waves it at him.]

Lincoln: [triumphant] YES! [he sees Laney who was still a mess] AHH! MONSTER!

Laney: Wha? Monster? Where?

Lincoln: Wait a minute. [Lincoln pulls off the watermelon from Laney's head] Oh, it's just you Laney. Thanks for helping me get my cereal.

Laney: Uh. Don't mention it. [wipes off the cake and coffee beans]

Lincoln: Now, lets get out before we're kicked out.

[Lincoln and Laney are shoving their sisters to the checkout counter.]

Lincoln: Come on, people! Let's go! Move it!

Bobby: Check it out, babe!

[He has stocked the paper towels to show Lori's image.]

Lori: [infatuated] Oh, Boo-Boo Bear...you're such an amazing artist.

Bobby: Nah, babe. You're just an amazing muse.

[Lori takes a photo with her phone to remember it by.]

Laney: [grabs her older sister] Let's go!

[The girls are complaining about Lincoln's rush.]

Lola: Why are you pushing us?

Lincoln: Because I'm this close to getting my cereal, and I don't want you guys to ruin it.

[The girls come to a screeching halt]

Lori: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you mean your cereal?

Laney: Uh oh.

Lincoln: I made a deal with Mom. If I had enough money left after getting all the groceries, I could get my Zombie Bran.

Lana: Well, if you get a treat, I want a treat!

Lola: Yeah! I want little princess pies!

Lucy: I want blood pudding.

Lisa: I could re-up on my sodium bicarbonate.

Lana: And I want dog biscuits! [Lola glances at her awkwardly] They're for Charles! I swear! Even though they are great for my teeth, and my coat...

Lincoln: No way! There's no money left!

Laney: We can always come back here next time.

Luna: Forget it, brah! [grabs the cereal box] We'll just put this back and we'll have some money.

Lincoln: Give me that! I worked my butt off to get it!

[The kids start fighting over the fate of the Zombie Bran and the checkout clerk calls the manager over. Lincoln is blasted out of the fight cloud right toward Bobby's Lori display.]

Bobby: NOOOOOOOOOO!

[Lincoln crashes right into the display and the manager shows up and sees Lincoln.]

Manager: I thought I already got rid of you, hooligan!

Laney: No, Mr. Manager. You see you got rid someone else who happens to look like my brother here and-

Manager: Enough! Now I want you out of my store! And take your sisters with you!

[This breaks up the girls' fight and the girls leave with looks of regret on their faces.]

Manager: [grabbing the Zombie Bran box] I'll take that!

Lincoln: [fighting for it] But...but... [loses it to the manager; forlorn] My Zombie Bran...

Manager: Boo-Boo Bear! Push broom!

[Bobby hands his boss the push broom and he pushes Lincoln out of the store.]

[On the ride home, Rita is not happy with Lincoln.]

Rita: [very upset] Well, isn't this wonderful. I guess I'll be shopping in the next town over for a while.

Lincoln: I'm sorry, Mom. But it's not all my fault.

Rita: [silences him with her hand wave.] Mmm-I don't wanna hear about it. You told me you could handle the grocery shopping, but clearly you cannot.

Lincoln: But Zombie Bran!

Rita: You can forget about that cereal, Lincoln.

Lincoln: But-

Rita: End of discussion!

[The girls all look at each other, full of guilt over Lincoln not getting his cereal.]

[Back home, a new Zombie Bran commercial is playing.]

Announcer: Bored of the same old breakfast?

[Lincoln sighs over his same old breakfast that he's now stuck with while Lily eats her mushy baby food.]

Announcer: Then try Zombie Bran! The cereal that turns you into the walking fed!

Zombie Boy: [zombie voice] Braaaaan! BRAAAAAN!

Announcer: Now in new Raisin the Dead flavor!

[A new box with the aforementioned flavor appears next to the original flavor box. Lincoln turns the TV off and sighs depressed and goes back to eating his boring cereal. Just then, his sisters come in acting like zombies for some reason.]

Sisters: [zombie voice] BRAAAAN!

Lincoln: [despondent] Very funny, guys. I'm not in the mood. [Lynn and Laney jump on both sides the sofa while still acting like zombies.] Whoa! Hey!

Lynn and Laney: [zombie voice] BRAAAAAN!

Sisters: [zombie voice] BRAAAAN!

[Lori presents to him a box of Zombie Bran.]

Lincoln: [gasps thankfully] You got me my cereal?!

Lori: [pours him a bowl] It's the least we could do. The only reason you didn't get this was because of us.

Laney: It was my idea. I knew how much this cereal ment to you, so did they. So... we worked something out.

Lincoln: I only have one thing to say to you all. [splatters the cereal all over his face and starts acting like a zombie.] OOH...BRAAAAAN!

[The kids start having a Zombie Bran fight which Lily watches.]

Lily: [zombie voice to the viewers] BRAAAAAN!


	64. Potty Mouth

**Potty Mouth**

[In the living room, while everyone is going about their business, Lily is watching TV and giggling. Enter Rita and Lynn Sr.]

Rita: We're off to the mall, kids!

Leni: [extremely excited] The mall?! [picks up phone] Let me clear my schedule for the day! [starts pressing] Delete, delete, delete, delete-[realizes] "Oh. Oops. This is your phone, Lori.

Lori: Ugh. [takes her phone back]

Rita: Sorry, sweetie. This is just gonna be a quick trip. Dr. Shuttleworth of the Shuttleworth Daycare Academy is coming over today to interview us and Lily, and your father needs an appropriate tie.

Lynn Sr.: [wearing a tie with a British royal guard] But still one that has some personality.

Rita: But mostly one that's appropriate.

Lynn Sr.: Gasp! I say!

Rita: Honey, we have to put our best foot forward! This daycare academy is really, really in demand. We have been on the waiting list since I was pregnant...with Lori.

Lynn Sr.: [acting mature] Well, I hope you kids appreciate the sacrifices I make for you.

Rita: The interview's in an hour. Try not to destroy the house.

[The parents leave]

Lynn: [with the remote] Oops! Sorry, Lily. Gotta change the channel. It's time for Operation Dessert Storm!

[The others get excited; Lynn changes the channel to the aforementioned show.]

Lily: Dannit!

[Her siblings gasp in horror and a picture frame falls off the wall.]

Lucy: Did Lily just say the "D" word?

Luan: Where the heck would she have learned that?

Laney: Probably from you guys.

Lori: What? No way! Why would you think that?

Laney: Well, let's see...

[Flashback to countless times the kids have said the word. Lana is fixing Charles' doghouse and hits her finger with her hammer. Lola's princess car comes by honking as Lana shouts the word, canceling out the sound. Lana notices Lily next to her and covers her mouth, realizing what happened. Lola crashes her car into a tree and the airbag's deployment sound cancels out her saying the word. Lily appears behind the tree babbling and Lola covers her mouth. Cut to Lisa singing on her headphones.]

Lisa: You're less than Pluto, not even a planet / When you hear my fresh rhymes, you gonna say-

[She steps on a squeaky toy on the word that rhymes with "planet", which Lily seemed to have noticed. She covers her mouth. Segue to Lori and Leni in the laundry room fighting over a sweater.]

Lori: It's my sweater!

Leni: No it's not, Lori! It's mine!

Lori: Bobby gave it to me for our second anniversary!

[Both of them pull the sweater so hard, it tears in half. They shout the "D" word at the moment the washing machine buzzes. Lily pops out of the laundry basket, and the two oldest sisters cover their mouths upon seeing her. Transition to Lincoln playing a Wii styled game. Because he wasn't wearing the wrist strap, he tosses the Wiimote at the TV, which causes it to crash and shatter, its sound dubbing over Lincoln's swearing. He then notices Lily on the sofa and covers his mouth. Next is Lynn practicing her baseball pitches into her soccer net. One ball bounces off her head and lands in their neighbor's yard. A lawn mower sound is heard, indicating it shredded the ball. Lynn screams with the mower's sound being too loud to hear her say the word. Lily opens the window and Lynn covers her mouth upon noticing her. Luna is tuning her guitar string, but it breaks. She screams with a guitar riff dubbing over her scream. Lily appears behind her amplifier and she covers her mouth. End flashback.]

Lily's Siblings: [embarrassed] Oh, right.

Leni: But Laney. You said it too.

Laney: What? No. I never swear a day in my life.

Lori: Oh yeah? How about the time you were playing Joonga?

[Flashback to Laney stacking blocks in the dining room, she was standing on the top of a chair but then she fell down to the ground. She screams while the blocks fell down, cancelling her swearing. She then notices Lily behind her and Laney covered her mouth in shock. End flashback]

Lynn: And the time you were reading that mystery novel?

[Flashback to Laney reading a mystery novel in the backyard]

Laney: [reads] The Tackback boys were on our trail, we needed a way to lose them. Luckily I came equipped with a bag of marbles which I used to give those goons the slip. As we got away, we could hear Big Geno cry- [A truck came by and the horn drowned out Laney's swearing.] Wow, so many swears in this book. Good thing no one was around to hear it. [She gets up and sees Lily beside her. She gasped in shock and covers her mouth. End Flashback]

Luna: And then there was the time you were playin' shakespere.

[Flashback to Laney in her room wearing a renaissance attire while pointing a salad fork at a balloon]

Laney: Begone cretin! Thou art haunted me for ages and thine end is near! You oppose to me to part my marriage in twain? Well, to that I say- [She pops the balloon, which the sound cancels out the swear. She sees Lily clapping and Laney drops the fork and covers her mouth. End flashback. Laney is trembling in fear]

Laney: [worried] O. M. Gosh!

Lincoln: [puts his hand on Laney's shoulder] It's alright, Laney. You didn't mean to- [Laney slaps his hand away from her]

Laney: No! It's not alright! Do you know what this means?!

Lori: Yeah. Lily's important daycare interview's coming up. If she says that word, she won't get into school.

Laney: More than that! I haven't been a good influence on her! And If someone's not showing Lily right from wrong, she'll grow up to be a bad foul mouthed hooligan run from the law! [Buries her face on her hands] Just like the Tackback Boys...

Lisa: [off-screen] Siblings, I have the solution. [wearing a surgeon outfit; takes out tongs] A quick, painless removal of the vocal cords. Well, mostly painless.

Lisa's Sisters: [save Lily; defiantly] NO!

Lincoln: I have an idea. If Lily imitates our behavior, let's just give her some better behavior to imitate.

Lisa: I'm going to remain scrubbed in, just in case.

Lincoln: Okay, everybody know their part? [The sisters nod] Good. We've got one hour before the interview. Operation Delete the "D" Word is a go!

[The sisters take their positions. Laney runs to her room and finds her mystery novel]

Laney: Okay! First things first, remove anything that has swears in it and don't do anything to say the swears. [Picks up her book and flips through the pages and uncomfortable looking at the contents] Oh.. so many swears... [throws away the book] Okay, I won't read that. [Finds a comic book in her shelf] Ah! Maybe a wholesome comic book? [reads through the book and was shocked to see what's in it] Ack! This must one of Lucy's books. [puts the book back] Okay no books then, I'll just do something that won't make me say a swear. But what? [thinks for a moment then gets and Idea] I got it!

[Time-skip to Lincoln coming to Laney's room while holding Lily]

Lincoln: Laney, you're- wha? [Sees Laney meditating on a rug with candles around it] What are you doing?

Laney: Meditation, dear brother. I figure the only way I make sure I don't swear in front of Lily is if I'm in a nice quiet place. [does some yoga poses] Care to join me brother?

Lincoln: Uh. No thanks... [Laney continues her yoga] Doesn't your back hurt form doing that?

Laney: The soothing yoga allows me to not feel any pain. [As she does a handstand, she slips and lands on one of the candles] Oof! Uh, heh. Slipped.

Lincoln: [sniffs] What's that smell?

Laney: Oh. [blushes in embarassment] Pardon me. It's totally normal, I'm just letting it all out.

Lincoln: Not that. [points] That! [Laney sees the smoke coming from her butt and realizes she's sitting on a candle and her pants start to catch fire]

Laney: AAAAAAAAHHH! [runs around, Lily laughs] PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!

[Lincoln runs to the bathroom and grabs a cup if water. He then throws the water at Laney's pants, dousing the flame. She feels relieved until she slips on the water and falls on the ground]

Laney: [Holding back her and anger] DAAAA-ts just part of my meditation.

Lily: He he he ha ha. [Lincoln gives Laney a thumbs up]

Rita: [off-screen] Kids, we're home! Bring Lily down, please! Interview is in five minutes!

[The kids regroup]

Lori: Do you think it worked?

[Lily babbles happily and her siblings smile and each give a thumbs up; downstairs.]

Rita: You are so handsome in your new tie.

Lynn Sr.: [wearing an ordinary tie; upset] Well, I would have preferred the one with the bird playing the saxophone.

[The doorbell rings]

Rita: [gasps] That's her!

[As the parents go to the door, Lily reaches over the table to get a snack, but Lori stops her.]

Lori: No, no, Lily. That's not for you. [picks Lily up]

Lily: Dannit!

[Her siblings gasp again]

Lincoln: Ah! It didn't work! She's still saying it!

Laney: How can this be? We made sure we didn't say it! Unless Lily remembered the 'D' word and now it's the only thing she'll say. And now she'll never get into any daycare, or any school, or any- [Lucy stops her]

Lucy: Laney. Calm down. Remeber your breathing exercises.

Lisa: [takes out tongs] Now we do this my way.

[Enter the parents and Dr. Shuttleworth]

Rita: Dr. Shuttleworth, uh, this is our youngest, Lily. [takes Lily]

[Lynn knocks Lisa's tongs away with her bat.]

Rita: Lily, say hi.

Lily: [with drool on her hands] Goo! Goo!

[Dr. Shuttleworth shakes her hand and gets drool on it.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Okay, I see why you said "goo". It's all over your hand. [wipes her hand clean] Well, shall we get started?

[The adults sit down and the rest of the kids come by with fake smiles to watch the interview.]

Lynn Sr.: Uh, kids, what are you doing?

Lincoln: Can we stay and watch? We're just so proud of our baby sis. [blinks delightedly]

Dr. Shuttleworth: If you must, all right. Let's get started with the interview. Miss Lily, would you like to play with a toy?

[She gives Lily a hammering toy set to the baby's delight. Lana then imagines Lily smashing her hand with the hammer and getting ready to say the word and takes the toy away.]

Lana: Uh, she's not much of a tools girl. [chuckles nervously and grins widely]

Dr. Shuttleworth: I see. [takes out a toy guitar] Then perhaps a musical instrument?

[Luna imagines the guitar strings breaking and Lily about to say the word and takes the guitar.]

Luna: She's, uh, not much of a guitar girl, either, dude. Though I am. [strums it playfully] Pretty sweet.

Dr. Shuttleworth: I believe that most children like bouncing balls. [offers Lily said ball]

[Lynn imagines Lily bouncing the ball out the window and ready to say the word. Lily bounces the ball and it goes under the chair Dr. Shuttleworth is sitting in.]

Lynn: I'll get that for you, Lily! [dives under the chair, tilting it.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: [startled] Oh, my land!

Lynn: [retrieves the ball] Ta-da! [drops Dr. Shuttleworth's chair]

Rita: [panicking] We're so sorry!

Lynn Sr.: [shaky] Uh, let us help you!

[The parents put the chair back up]

Lynn Sr.: [disciplinary] Kids, look what you did to Dr. Scuttlebutt!

Dr. Shuttleworth: [offended] That's Shuttleworth!

Rita: [red in the face] Okay, kids, out!

[The kids all leave disappointed.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Actually, I'd like you to leave, too. I need to get a sense of how Lily does on her own.

Rita: Oh! Uh, sure.

Lynn Sr.: [as he and his wife leave] See? I don't think she likes the tie, either.

Lola: Okay, everyone, huddle up.

[They huddle]

Lola: We can't leave Lily alone in there. She's a ticking cuss bomb!

Lincoln: Don't worry. I've got a plan. We'll swap Lily with someone who can be trusted not to drop the "D" word.

Laney: I'll do it! [Laney steps forward] Sure, It may envolve me getting humiliated but I shall make sure that Lily has a swear-less furture.

Lincoln: Yeah. It's not gonna be you Laney.

Laney: Phew! What a relief. I was not ready to go there. Seriously, I don't know what I was thinking. Heh.

Lincoln: Anyway. What we need is someone as young as Lily to swap her. And I've got just the someone. [pulls Lisa in and lifts up her wig.]

[The other sisters gasp in horror and another picture frame crashes.]

Lincoln and Lisa: "Nuclear experiment gone wrong."

Lisa: Uh, Lincoln, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this plan of yours.

Lori: [sympathetic] Yeah. We totally get that. [undeterred] But you're doing it anyway.

Lisa: [sighs] Fine. Then I might as well take these out. [removes her teeth, revealing them to be dentures, making her siblings gasp.] Long story.

Luan: [shakes her head to her senses] Okay, first, we have to swap Lisa for Lily. Follow my lead.

[The other sisters hide in shrubs and Luan tosses a whoopee cushion in Lily's vicinity. Lily lands on the whoopee cushion to give off the implication that she pooped and Luan rushes in.]

Luan: Sounds like you guys are having a blast in here! [laughs] Get it? [pauses] Oh. I'll just change her diaper. [takes Lily away, leaving Dr. Shutterworth confused and comes back with the now disguised Lisa.] Here she is! Freshly changed, and otherwise exactly the same as before! [leaves]

Lisa: [nonchalantly] Goo-goo gaga, et cetera.

Dr. Shuttleworth: Okay, Miss Lily, I have a fun idea. [takes out paper and paint] How about some finger painting?

[Lisa finger paints a complex math equation, much to Dr. Shuttleworth's surprise.]

Lori: What is Lisa doing?

Lana: [holding a straw] Don't worry. I'll get her attention. [blows a spitball at Dr. Shuttleworth catching her attention and ducks down with her sisters. While Dr. Shuttleworth was distracted, Laney swtiched out Lisa's equation with a paper with finger paint on it. Dr. Shuttlewoth turns her attention back to Lisa and notices that Lisa's math equation was replaced by a paper with common finger paintings on it. She scratched her head in confusion and shrugged]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Now, how about we play music?

[She takes out a xylophone and Lisa plays a jazz piece, much to the doctor's surprise and her siblings' worries.]

Luna: [impressed] Whoa, dudes, she's really cooking them vibes!

Lincoln: [pops out] She's also blowing it! We gotta get those mallets away from her! [flings his yo-yo and knocks off Dr. Shuttleworth's glasses, drawing her attention and goes back to hiding.]

Lisa: [examining the doctor's glasses] Hmm. You've got quite an astigmatism.

Dr. Shuttleworth: Pardon me?

Lisa: Oh, uh...uh, goo-goo, gaga.

[She gives her her glasses back]

Luna: I got this. [rushes in with a blanket] Don't mind me. I just thought Lily might want her blankie. [whispers to Lisa] Dude, you're supposed to be a one-year-old! Act like it! [gives Lisa the blanket and leaves]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Okay, Lily, let's sing a song together. The wheels on the bus go round and round [stops at the sound of Lisa grunting] Lily?

[Lisa lets out a big fart sound and a stench in her diaper, meaning only one thing.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: [smelling the stench] Oh, my land! That's pungent!

Lisa: Poo-poo.

Lori: Ew. Well, someone's gonna have to change her.

Leni: [plugs her nose] DIBS, NOT IT!

Other Sisters: [touch their noses] DIBS, NOT IT!

Lincoln: [touches his nose too late] Dang it! I always lose that! [walks over to Lisa and grabs her] "Sorry, Dr. S. I'll take care of it. Aren't you a little cutie-wutie? Did Lily-Wily make a poo-poo in her diapey-diapey? [now angry] Lisa, what the heck, man?

Lisa: I was instructed to act like a one-year-old. Ergo, I did. There's just no pleasing you people.

[Later, Dr. Shuttleworth is going over her notes.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Well, my evaluation is complete.

[The parents eagerly await the results while their children sneak behind the sofa.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Lily's a very gifted child. I've never seen a one-year-old who can play jazz xylophone or solve complex math equations.

[The parents look at their children who have casual faces.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Therefore... [suspenseful beat] ...we'd love to have her as part of our daycare family. Just bring plenty of diapers.

Lily's Siblings: [cheerful] YEAH!

Rita: [excited] That's great news! Thank you, Dr. Shuttleworth! We are so happy!

Lynn Sr.: Please, take snacks for the road.

Dr. Shuttleworth: Oh, don't mind if I do. [puts all the snacks in her purse and prepares to leave.]

Lily: [follows the doctor] Dannit!

[Her siblings AND parents gasp at that sound.]

Lynn Sr.: Did she just say...

Rita: ...the "D" word?

[The kids approach Lily and the doctor.]

Lincoln: Please don't blame Lily for saying the "D" word! It's our fault!

Lori: It's true! She was literally just imitating our bad behavior!

Leni: She's really the sweetest little girl in the world!

Laney: Blame us! Were nothing but bad influences!

[Dr. Shuttleworth laughs, as does Lily.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: [takes out a doughnut] Children, Lily didn't say the "D" word. I believed she just wanted a doughnut. See?

Lily: [begging for the doughnut] Dannit! Dannit!

Dr. Shuttleworth: It's doughnut, sweetie. [gives it to her]

Lily: Doughnut.

Dr. Shuttleworth: She's a fast learner. See you next week at the daycare, miss Lily. [leaves]

Rita: [suspicious of her kids] So, Lily plays jazz xylophone? Does anyone want to explain?

Lynn Sr.: Bah, does it matter, honey? Lily got in! And I don't have to wear this anymore! [takes off his bland tie, puts his royal guard one back on and sighs.] I feel so much better.

Laney: [In awe] She didn't say the 'D' word. She didn't say the 'D' word. [hugs Lincoln] She didn't say the 'D' word! I'm not a bad infuence after all!

Luan: We all aren't Laney!

Lincoln, Lori, Leni, Luna, Lynn, Lucy, Laney, Lana, Lola, and Lisa: YAY!

[Suddenly, Charles shows up and snatches Lily's doughnut and runs away, causing Lily to get furious.]

Lily: * **BLEEP** *!

[Everyone gasps in sheer shock at what Lily just said and one more picture frame falls and shatters.]


	65. L is For Love

**L is For Love**

[Lincoln gets the mail and skims through it until he discovers something in it]

Lincoln: [gasps and runs inside] Emergency sibling meeting! I call an emergency sibling meeting!

[The sisters arrive in Lori and Leni's room slightly annoyed]

Luan: Come on! I was working on a joke.

[Lori lifts up her shoe and bangs it]

Lori: I hereby call this meeting to order. Lisa, can you read the minutes from the last meeting?

Lisa: [reading] Item 1: It was resolved that in the matter of Lily's diaper pail-

Lincoln: [takes the previous meeting's minutes and crumples it up] Forget that! We need to discuss... [takes out what he found in the mail] ...this! It's a love letter, and it's addressed to L. Loud.

[The sisters gasp]

Lana: [coughs] Oh, dang it. I just swallowed my gum.

[Lori takes the letter out and starts reading it]

Lori: Dear L. Loud, Day after day, I hope and I pine, I'm too shy to come forward, but I wish you were mine. Signed, your secret admirer?

Lynn: W-w-wait! Who's it for? L. Loud could be any one of us.

Lori: Clearly, the letter's for me, and it's from Bobby. I mean, duh, right?

Luan: No, not duh! That letter could be for any of us!

[Begin a series of flashback to various times Lori's siblings have come across someone they happen to like. First, Luan is practicing her pantomime at school when a boy mime bumps into her box she's trapped in. The two act it out. Next, Lana is working in a repair garage with a boy mechanic. Lana looks in her toolbox for a wrench, but can't find one. The boy gives her his wrench. Change to Leni at the mall tryng to decide between two matching sweaters, one pink and one purple and having trouble choosing. Chaz clears his throat to get her attention and shows her the sweater with purple and pink stripes, which Leni loves. Cut to Lola performing a baton twirling routine in a pageant. One judge gives it a 9, another gives it an 8, and another gives it another 9. One boy about Lola's age gives it a 10. Lola blushes and smiles. Switch to Lucy attending Embalm Con and looking at the booth for R.I. Pete's Coffins & Urns. Lucy sees and gasps at the sight of such an amazingly crafted coffin. A fellow goth boy admires it with her. Cut to Lincoln and Clyde playing at the air hockey table. Lincoln wins and a girl playing video games turns and gives him a thumbsup and wink for his victory, making the white-haired Loud boy blush. Meanwhile, in Ms. Shrinivas's class, Lisa is mixing chemicals which explode. A fellow genius her age squeegees her lenses clean to her gratitude. Next, at the baseball field, Lynn's team and another team are giving their regards for a good game. She stops to see one boy on the opposing team spit in his hand. She spits in her hand and the two of them shake. Now, Luna is rocking out in the cafeteria in school and turns to another guitarist along with a friend of his. Luna's friends throw up the goats as she rocks on. Finally, Lily is taking a nap in her crib when her teddy bear falls on her. She gives it a hug. End flashbacks]

Lily, Lola, Lana, Lynn, Luan, Luna, and Leni: [dreamily sigh]

Lucy: Sigh...~

Laney: [twirls her hair and smiles] You guys are so lucky have someone special.

Lola: You should know, Laney. [nudges her] Huh? Joey?

[Flashback to Laney in art class with Joey. She dropped her paintbrush and went to pick it up. But Joey picked it up for her. Laney smiles at him and he smiles back. End flashback]

Laney: [blushes] What! No! We're... just friends.

Lana: But we saw you confessed that you like him.

Laney: I said like, not love. Those are two relationship sensed words!

Lori: Needless to say. We all want the letter to be for us. How do we figure out who it's really for?

Lucy: Simple. Since the writer is clearly shy, we each need to send a signal to the person we think wrote it, letting them know we're interested. Then they'll probably send a second letter, giving us more information.

Lori: [confused] Um...how do you know all this?

Lucy: [holds up a book called "Immortal Secrets"] Vampires send a lot of secret admirer letters. They may be passionate, but they're also painfully insecure.

Lori: Sending a signal it is!

Laney: [thoughts] _Could Joey really feel the same way I do? Only one way to be sure..._

The very next day at school. Laney went over to her art class where she meets up with Joey. Laney was determined to go to the next level with the boy.

Laney: [thoughts] _Okay, Laney. Remember what Lori said. You gotta be subtle._ [clears throat] So, Joey... Uh... Read any good books lately?

Joey: Uh. No. Not lately?

Laney: Well, I've read a great romance novel called "Love Letters". Where the two lovers express their feelings with letters.

Joey: Well, that sounds like a great read.

Laney: Yeah, I'm really fond of the ending. [Got close to Joey] Where the couple finally found each other and kissed.

Joey: [Uncomfortable] Uh... [Laney winks in her left eye]

Laney: [whispers] You can't tell but I'm winking. [Joey looks to the viewers confused and then walks away] Was I too subtle?

[The next meeting]

Lori: Meeting called to order.

Lisa: I'll begin with the minutes from the last meeting. [reads them] Item 1: No one would let me read the minutes from the previous meeting, so-

Lola: [snatches the minutes] And we still won't! [crumples them up and tosses them aside] Now, did everyone send their signals?

Lori: I texted Bobby a series of romantic emojis.

Luan: Yep! I toot-ally sent mine to Benny.

[Flashback to Luan and Benny rehearsing for a school play. She slips a whoopee cushion onto his throne which he sits on. He blushes and gives Luan an embarrassed grin and she gives him a wink. End flashback]

Lola: I let Winston know the score.

[Flashback to the playground where Winston goes down the slide, but botches the dismount. Lola gives him a 10 nonetheless and winks to him. End flashback]

Lana: [wiping her hands] And I let Skippy know I'm game by souping up his ride.

[Flashback to Skippy riding his bike which now has turbo engines on it down a hill while screaming for his life. Lana winks as he goes by. End flashback]

Laney: I don't think that was much of a signal more than a restraining order wating to happen.

Lori: Laney? Any luck with Joey?

Laney: I don't know. Was I too clingy when I mentioned romance novels to him?

[Enter Luna with the next letter]

Luna: Dudes! The second letter! You called it, Luce Change!

[Lucy shrugs off what Luna called her. Lori opens it up and finds a rose falling out of it in slow motion. Her siblings gasp]

Lana: [coughs] Dang it, I swallowed my gum again!

Lori: Okay. [reads the letter] Roses are red, they brighten our town, like your sweet smile, and your hair, which is... [beat; upset] ...brown?

[The brunettes are surprised while the others are disappointed]

Laney: The romance novels worked!

Lincoln, Leni, Lucy, Lola, and Lana: Aw, dang it!

Lily: [just as upset] Ah, poo-poo.

Lori: [angrily texting] I have some different emojis for Bobby now!

Lincoln: So, the secret admirer contest is down to Luna, Luan, Lynn, Laney, and Lisa.

[Luan, Lynn, Laney, and Lisa cheer, but Luna doesn't]

Leni: Luna, why aren't you cheering?

Luan: Yeah. And come to think of it, you never told us the signal you gave Sam.

Luna: [insecure] That's 'cause I didn't give one. The more I thought about it, the more I realized...Sam's way out of my league, dudes.

[The others disagree and encourage her]

Lincoln: No way. That's not true.

Lori: Yeah, Luna, you are totes still in this. Okay, Lucy, what's the next step?

[Lucy consults her book]

Lucy: Well, since the secret admirer sent a rose as a token of their affection, we need to deliver a token in return. Then there should be a third and final love letter requesting a rendezvous.

[The brunettes start cheering]

Luna: Rockin'!

Luan: This is so exciting!

Lynn: I hope it's me!

Lisa: Me too!

Lola: [wearing a large brunette wig] Me three!

Lana: [takes Lola's wig off her] Nice try, Blondie.

[Lola concedes]

The next day at school...

[Joey was walking by until he saw Laney leaning on the lockers]

Joey: Oh, hello Laney.

Laney: Hey, Joey! I have a surprise for you!

Joey: Really? What is- [Laney grabs Joey's hand and they run through the halls] Whoa! [They stop in the cafeteria in front of something hidden under a tarp]

Laney: To commemorate our friendship. I have made you this lovely piece just for you. Behold! [She pulls out the tarp and reveals to be a sculpture of Joey out of mashed potatoes]

Joey: Wow, Laney. You made all of this?

Laney: Yep. Out of all the mashed potatoes in the cafeteria.

Joey: Oh...

Laney: Is something wrong?

Joey: No no. It's fine it's just that... I don't really like mashed potatoes.

Laney: What? Ah! I should've known! [smacks herself in the head three times] Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Lunch Lady: [off-screen] Hey! [Pan to the lunch lady, who's angry at Laney] What are you doing with my mashed potatoes you creep? [throws a ladle at Laney and then she falls in the mashed potato sculpture. Leaving her in a big mess]

Joey: Oh dear... Um. I'll go get the custodian. [Joey runs off to do so. Laney sighs]

[In the living room, another meeting is being held]

Lori: Okay, brown-haired Louds, did everybody deliver their tokens?

Lynn: Check!

Luan: You betcha!

Lisa: Affirmative!

Laney: [Despondent] Yeah.

Lincoln: What's wrong, Laney?

Laney: I'll tell you what's wrong! I messed up! Both figuratively and literally! How was I supposed Joey doesn't like mashed potatoes? [sighs] I spent the whole day cleaning the whole cafeteria. Now I'm not sure Joey doesn't feel the same way I do.

[The other sisters disagree]

Lori: Don't say that. We all do crazy things for love. Luna, how about you? Were you succesful with your token?

Luna: I didn't gave a token. I bailed, dudes. I'm telling you, there's no way Sam digs me.

Lola: [grabs Luna's shirt collar] Some of us blondes would kill to still be in the running! [Luna looks scared] Don't you quit now!

[Leni screams in surprise]

Leni: O-M-Gosh, you guys! The secret admirer is the mailman! [takes out another love letter] He just handed me this letter! I don't feel the same way about him, so I let him down gently.

[Everyone looks at Leni dumbfounded for a second. Lori takes the next letter and opens it]

Lori: [reading] Dear L. Loud, Here's a third letter, 'cause I'm still feeling skittish, I dig your sweet sounds, and love of all things British.

[Everyone except Laney gasps at the sound of it, especially Luna]

Lincoln: Luna! It's definitely you!

Lori: Guys, Lucy was right about what happens next! Listen! [continues reading] I think it's time we put love on the menu [pauses] Aw. [continues] Meet me tonight at Banger's & Mosh, the British eatery and rock venue.

Luna: [surprised] Whoa! This is really happening! What do I wear?

[Her siblings cheer and carry her upstairs except Leni]

Leni: I'll be right there! I-I just wanna make sure the mailman is okay.

[At Banger's & Mosh, the kids are looking around for Sam]

Luna: Guys, I don't see Sam anywhere.

Lana: Maybe Sam's hidden behind that dork in the big British hat.

Lynn: Whoa! That dork is sitting with Mom!

Laney: That's dad.

Lynn: [Realizes] Oh.

[The kids approach their parents]

Lynn Sr.: Kids? What're you guys doing here?

Lincoln: Luna got a secret admirer letter from Sam telling her to meet here.

Lana: We're here for moral support.

Lola: And dessert.

Rita: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. There's been a mix-up. That letter was meant for your father.

Leni: Wait. Sam likes Dad?

Rita: No, sweetie. I sent the letter.

Lynn Sr.: Secret admirer letters are kind of our thing. It's how we met.

Rita: Back in the day, I had a wicked crush on your father.

[Flashback to the day Rita and Lynn Sr. first met]

Rita: [narrating] Every morning, at my crossing guard job, I'd listen for his melodious voice. [British accent] And when he talked to me in that cute accent- [normal voice] -he picked up from his semester in England, I'd swoon.

Young Lynn Sr.: [British accent] Ello, love! Pip-pip! Mind the gap!

[Young Rita sighs with admiration. Just then, some cars come by wanting to cross and Rita quickly picks up her stop sign she dropped from admiring her future husband]

Rita: But I was too afraid to speak to him because I thought he was out of my league. So, I started slipping notes in his pocket as he passed by.

[Young Rita puts a note in his pocket as he plays the cowbell]

Lynn Sr.: [playing and unaware of the note; scats] Crossing

[Young Rita swoons. Cut to Banger's & Mosh]

Rita: By my third note, I got up the nerve to ask him to meet me here.

[Young Lynn Sr. arrives with the note and Young Rita holds up her stop sign and flips it over with a "signal" saying "Go". Lynn Sr. sits down with his new love. End flashback with the two of them in the same position from the past]

Rita: And my boldness paid off, because here we are, celebrating the 20th anniversary of that first date.

Lynn Sr.: Best day of my life, love.

[Rita swoons and giggles hearing that accent; her husband kisses her on the cheek]

Rita: Luna, I'm sorry that letter wasn't for you. I hope you're not too disappointed.

Luna: Well...I was at first, but now that I've heard your story, I'm totally inspired. If you took a risk with Dad, why can't I take a risk with Sam? [turns to her siblings] Why are we sitting around waiting for them to come to us? We should go to them!

[Her siblings cheer in agreement]

Lynn Sr.: This is cause for celebration! MEAT PIES FOR EVERYONE!

[The other restaurant attendants cheer, thinking he's buying for all]

Lynn Sr.: Uh, I-I meant just for my family.

[The attendants groan in disappointment]

Lynn Sr.: Oh, come on! There's 14 of us!

[Cut to a montage of the kids sneaking love notes to their crushes. Lincoln gives one to Paige while she's playing Dance Battle. Lynn sneaks one under Francisco's helmet. Skippy gets one in his toolbox. Lana smiles with her finger near her mouth because it was from her. Benny finds one on the stage floor and tries to pick it up, but it gets pulled he gleefully chases after it, it's revealed to be from Luan who's using a fishing rod to tease him. Lisa lures herself down on grappling wires and sneaks one under David's microscope, which he discovers to his joy. Chaz finds one in a pair of jeans for sale and Leni smiles disguised as a mannequin again. Lucy slips one in a coffin that Silas is resting in. Silas rises out of the coffin and smiles. Winston finds one in the sandbox and admires it. Lola looks dreamily at his response. Lily gives to her teddy bear a drawing of the two of them and hugs it again. At Laney's art class, Laney slipped a note into Joey's hoodie pocket. Once the class ended, Joey reached into his pocket to find the note inside and he reads it. As Laney went up to her locker, Joey went to her.]

Joey: Laney. Did you wrote this?

Laney: Yeah. What do you think? [Joey looks at the note and smiled]

Joey: I think it's lovely. Just like you are. [leaves; Laney smiles]

 **Epilogue**

[Laney was sittng in the living room watching TV with Luna. Luna notices Laney smiling and blushing]

Luna: You seem happy.

Laney: Well, yeah. Joey loved my note and now. [Looks to see if anyone was around and whispers in Luna's ear] I think I might be in the next level.

Luna: Awesome! Don't worry, Lanes. I won't tell anyone.

Laney: Thanks. And I bet you were just as successful with Sam.

Luna: [blushes] Yeah... Guess I'm in the next level too.

Laney: He's very lucky to have you.

Luna: Uh... Lanes. Can you keep a secret?

Laney: Sure, what is it? [Luna whispers in her ear; Laney is shocked] SAM'S A G- [Luna covers her mouth before she could finish that sentence]

Luna: Don't tell anyone. I'm not ready yet.

Laney: Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.

Luna: Thanks sis. [Luna leaves]

Laney: [Thoughts] _Wow. Guess everyone found love today. And as for Luna._ [giggles] _Let's just say It'll take some time until she's ready to come out of the closet._ [Heart shaped iris on Laney; she winks to the audience; iris out]


	66. Tricked! (Part 1)

**Tricked! (Part 1)**

[Daytime. The Loud House is covered in Halloween decorations as the entrance of a corn sits next to it. Offscreen, a fridge door opens, and a scream is heard, as bats fly out of the house and towards the screen, darkening the picture. Zoom out to a close up of Lynn Sr. screaming in horror after seeing a fake severed head with fake blood in the fridge]

Lynn Sr.: I HATE HALLOWEEN!

[He exits right. A moment later, Lucy enters, walking towards the fridge and picking up the head.]

Lucy: [smiles] I love Halloween.

Head: Bleh.

[She exits]

[Dining Room. In counter-clockwise order, we see Luan fashioning a sign reading "HAUNTED CORN MAZE" in red-stained corn cobs, Leni hanging black curtains, Luna, Lincoln, Lana, Lola, and Lynn Jr. carving pumpkins, Lisa making fake blood in a bucket, Lily playing with pumpkin innards and Charles resting against a corn cob. We pan left as Lucy enters.]

Lucy: Excellent fake blood, Lisa. Add some molasses for better consistency.

Lynn: Hey, Luce! Check out our pumpkins! Whaddya think?

[Each turns their jack-o-lanterns around, showing each gruesome carved face.]

Lucy: Hmm... [points to a spot on Lynn's pumpkin] More blood here, [motions around Lola's pumpkin] few more gashes on this one, [flicks out a tooth on Lana's pumpkin] knock out a tooth, [points to the scabs on Lincoln's pumpkin] add some more mousse to those scabs, [pats Luna's pumpkin] dampen the head wounds. [Looks at Laney's pumpkin, which has sewed eyes and mouth and has cuts all over it] Hmm.

Laney: Sorry, Lucy. I'm not very good at making Jack-o-lanterns.

Lucy: I don't know, Laney. Add some blood on the mouth and eyes and I think we got something.

Luna: Halloween's kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you!

Leni: Totes! I'm so glad Mom finally let you do your haunted corn maze!

Lucy: As am I. I've been waiting my whole life to do this. Not to mention my past lives [She walks off screen to Luan, who has just finished her sign] Fantastic sign work, Luan. Just the right mixture of corn and gore.

Luan: Ah, shucks! It's just something I cob-bled up together from a kernel of an idea! [dances a little, laughing] Oh Yes! A triple!

[Lucy and the others groan as a jack-o-lantern is thrown onto Luan's head]

Luan: [through pumpkin] I'd expect more support from my "pump-kin!" [laughs as the jack-o-lantern's grin grew wider] Get it?

Lucy: [facepalms] Sigh... [turns to the others, as the screen zooms out to show Lincoln] Thanks for all your hard work, guys. This is gonna be the best Halloween ever. I'm so excited.

[her face shows a little change in the emotion]

Lincoln: [to the audience] Trust me. [points to Lucy] She's excited.

Laney: I know how you feel Lucy. I just love halloween too.

Lucy: Really? Do you like the part where all the monsters come out of the darkness and scare people?

Laney: That's cool. But I'm more into going out in costume and getting lots of sweet, choclatey, toothache enducing candy... [drools, Lucy snaps her fingers at her and she snaps out of it] Well, good luck with the maze Lucy. I'm to get ready for tonight. [leaves]

[A thump is heard off screen]

Lynn Sr.: [offscreen] AAAAAH! I hate Halloween!

Lucy: Oh. [everyone looks at her] Dad must have found the severed limbs I stored in his closet.

[Time skip to later in Laney's room. Laney was in picking out a costume while Cliff was resting on Laney's bed]

Laney: [off screen] Okay, Cliff. I want your honest opinion. Which one of my costumes would be perfect? [Laney comes out in a fairy princess costume. Cliff shakes his head] Your right, too frilly. [Laney goes back inside the closet and comes back out in a mummy costume. Cliff shakes his head again] Your right, such a waste of toilet paper. [Laney goes back in; off-screen] Okay, how about this? [Laney comes out in a witch's costume holding a broom, Cliff comes up to her and purrs] I knew you'd like it.

Lisa: [off-screen] Siblings, assemble! It's almost time for the annual ritual of deception versus confection; street name, trick or treating!

Laney: Oh boy! [leaves her room and sees Lisa in a kangaroo costume] Wow, Lisa. You look cute in that kangaroo costume.

Lisa: That's the idea, dear sister.

[Enter the twins in their costumes. Lana is Abraham Lincoln and Lola is the Statue of Liberty]

Lana: Four score and seven pieces of candy ago.

Lola: Give me your tired, your poor, your delicious treats yearning to be in my tummy!

Laney: Wait a minute. I thought you two were going as salt and pepper shakers.

Lola: We are! [tears off her Lady Liberty costume while Lana tears off her Honest Abe one, both revealing new costumes] We're also a mermaid and a pirate.

Laney: Isn't it easier to wear just one costume.

Lola: Yes. But you see, by wearing three costumes we can hit each house three times.

Lana: That means three times the candy.

Lisa: Yes. I am familiar with basic multiplication. Your strategy is cute, but mine is far superior.

Lana: Going as a kangaroo. [scoffs] I doubt it.

Lisa: Kangaroo plus baby roo. [reveals Lily who is dressed as her joey and cooing]

[The twins and Laney gasp over the amazingly adorable sight]

Lisa: Precisely. That aw factor will increase my candy revenue exponentially. And the best part is, she only has one tooth, so I don't have to share.

Laney: Clever girl.

Lola: [breaks out of the cuteness trance] Snap out of it, guys. [breaks her twin's trance and goes up to Lincoln's door and knocks] Lincoln! Clyde! Get your butts out here!

[The boys open the door and reveal to be dressed as British masters]

Lola: I thought you guys were going as Ace Savvy and One-Eyed Jack.

Lincoln: Uh, we are. We're Ace and Jack undercover, trying to crack the cause of the missing crumpets.

Lisa: Boy, you guys really don't want candy, do you?

Lincoln: Yeah, you're right. We probably won't get much this year.

[The two snicker slyly]

Laney: Is it me, or are those boys up to something?

Lola: Eh. It's probably nothing.

Lana: Alright, let's get some candy. Has anyone seen Dad?

[They hear someone whimpering off in the distance. Lola groans and barges into the bathroom]

Lynn Sr.: [whimpering] Everything's scary. I don't know why everything's scary.

[Lola opens the shower curtain and finds him in the bathtub]

Lisa: Let's go, Father! Chop chop! These candy bags won't fill themselves. Though, I am working on a prototype which will do exactly that.

Lynn Sr.: [nervous] Uh, sorry, kids. I can't go. I think I have the flu. Or the plague. Or a Charley Horse.

Lola: [exasperated] Ugh. We go through this every year!

Laney: Alright, grab a limb.

[The twins and Laney grab their dad as Lisa hops off]

Lynn Sr.: [screams reluctantly] I don't wanna! I don't wanna! [gets dragged off]

Clyde: [to Lincoln] Your Dad's doing better this year.

[They follow. Outside, the kids start chanting candy while Lynn Sr. is terrified of going out. Lincoln and Clyde fist bump and prepare to break away from the group]

Lola: [suspicious] Hey, where are you two going?

Lincoln: Nowhere. We, uh, just decided to go through the neighborhood counterclockwise this year.

[He and Clyde nervously grin]

Lisa: Seems like an odd, pointless choice. Much like your costumes.

Laney: I'm telling you, those two are up to something.

Lynn Sr.: Have fun, boys. [sees something on his shirt and freaks out] AH! Spider web!

Lola: It's a loose thread on your shirt. [plucks it off]

Lynn Sr.: Well, I guess I can't trick-or-treat if my shirt's falling apart, right?

Lola: [not buying it] Nice try. [grabs and drags him as he yelps]

Laney: Want me to hold your hand, dad?

Lynn Sr.: Yes please! [Laney holds his hand]

So later that night, Laney and her youngest sisters, accompanied by their petrified dad, began their trick or treating route. With Laney being the most excited about it, especially the part where people give out candy.

Laney: Wow! Look at all the people in costumes. There's a psycho killer, and a frankenstein, oh and a werewolf!

Lola: You know Laney, I'm surprised your not as scared of Halloween as dad.

Laney: That's because they're not real monsters, just people in costumes. Believe me, nothing scares me. [enter Joey in a Dr Jerkyl/Mr Hyde costume]

Joey: Hey, Laney.

Laney: AAH! [Hides behind Lynn Sr.]

Lana: Almost nothing.

Joey: Relax, Laney. It's just a costume.

Laney: [Nervous] Uh, yeah I know that... heh.. So, uh, what are you doing here?

Joey: Same as you, trick or treating. [Looks at the twins costumes] And ywhat adorable costumes you have.

Lola and Lana: Thank you.

Laney: Care to join us? We're about to hit the next house.

Joey: Sure! I could always go for more candy in my bag.

Lola: Hah! I doubt you could get more candy than us!

Joey: What do you mean?

Lana: We have a system.

Lola: Watch and learn. [The twins go up to the first house with their patriotic costumes and knock as the door opens]

Lola and Lana: Trick or treat!

Diem Doan: Oh, aren't you two adorable. [gives them their candy]

[As the door closes, there's another knock with the twins now in their aquatic outfits]

Lola and Lana: Trick or treat!

Diem Doan: [easily fooled] So cute! [gives them more candy]

[Another knock and the twins are in their condiment costumes]

Lola and Lana: Trick or treat!

Diem Doan: [still believing] Great costumes. [gives them more candy]

Lola and Lana: Thank you! [leave]

Lana: And that is how it's done. One house, six pieces of candy.

Joey: Impressive.

Laney: You should see how Lisa does it.

Joey: Does she wear three costumes at once too?

[Lisa hops up to the door and knocks as it opens]

Lisa: Trick or treat!

Diem Doan: How sweet. A kangaroo. [prepares to give her her candy]

Lisa: And a baby roo.

[Lily pops out of Lisa's pouch and coos]

Diem Doan: [overcome by the adorableness] Aww! [gives Lisa every piece in her bowl]

Lisa: [hops away] Thank you! [contently to the twins] Ha. One house, eighty-seven pieces of candy.

Joey: Wow, Laney. You're sisters are very clever.

Laney: Thanks. But if you ask me, I like doing it the old fashioned way. [Walks up to the door and knock on it. Diem Doan opens it]

Laney: Trick or treat.

Diem Doan: I love your little witch costume. But I'm afraid I'm all out of candy. That cute little kangaroo got every last one. [closes the door]

Laney: [walks back downtrodden] Aw.

Lola: No worries Laney. The night is still young. There are plenty more houses to go.

[The wind blows eerily behind Lynn Sr.]

Lynn Sr.: [screams] A ghost just touched me! [faints]

Lola: [shaking his face] Daddy, wake up!

Lisa: [pulls in a wagon] Never fear, siblings. I have prepared for this eventuality.

[They drag Lynn Sr. on the wagon for the rest of the hunt]

Joey: Is your dad always like this?

Laney: Yeah..

So throughout the night, the kids were going door to door getting candy. But by the time they got back home, it was more trick than treat for them...

[Time-skip to a few hours later. The kids walked home holding huge sacks of candy. Laney was sucking on a lolipop]

Lana: Man! What a haul!

Lisa: Acording to my calculations, we have a total of 1,243 pieces of candy. That should be enough to last till Christmas.

Laney: I still can't belive Lincoln couldn't join us. He's totally missing out on all this sweet deal. [laughs] Get it? Sweet? [Lisa and the twins groan while Joey giggles]

Joey: It sure was fun hanging out with you tonight, Laney. The way your family celebrates Halloween is facinating.

Laney: If you think that's cool. You should check out this haunted corn maze we got at our house. Lucy made to be so scary that- WHA!?

[They all stop to see two bullies named Hank and Hawk wearing creepy doll masks covering Laney's house in toilet paper and smashing their jack o lanterns]

Hank: Man, that loud kid was right! Look at all the candy got from all those kids!

Hawk: Yeah! And this neighborhood is perfect to tp on! Best halloween ever! [The bullies high five each other and laugh]

Lola: [off-screen] What do you big bullies think your doing? [The bullies look at the kids who have huge bags of candy]

Hawk: Hey kid! Give us your candy!

Laney: [steps forward] No way! I'm not giving up this haul for you dumb apes! [This angered the bullies]

Hank: Who are you calling apes, witch?! [The bullies approach Laney then Joey steps forward]

Joey: You want Laney? You have to go through me!

[Hank and Hawk look at each other, then they go for Laney and Joey and the screen cuts to black. Meanwhile, Lincoln and Clyde are walking down the street with their sacks loaded]

Lincoln: What a haul! Maybe we should take it to your house, because my sisters will pounce on it.

Clyde: Well, if we take it to my house, my dads will lock it up and only let me have three ounces a week.

Lincoln: Hmm. We need a Plan C.

[They bury it underground. Bat transition to the intersection of Franklin and Olive as they arrive]

Lincoln: Our hard work paid off, Clyde. Best Halloween ever.

[They high five and turn the corner and find, to their shock, that the jack-o-lanterns are smashed, toilet paper is in the trees, candy wrappers are all over the ground, and all of Franklin Avenue is a complete mess]

Lincoln: [shocked] Well...maybe not for everyone.

[End of Part 1]


	67. Tricked! (Part 2)

**Tricked! (Part 2)**

One halloween night with the Loud family has turned disasterous. Thanks to those two bullies, Franklin Avenue has been left a mess. Not to mention everyone's candy was stolen! It seemed like halloween was completely ruined.

[The girls are closing up the maze]

Lincoln: Guys, what's going on? Why are the streets deserted, and why are you taking down your maze?

Lucy: Nobody showed up. All my work for nothing. Not a single scream. Sigh.

Clyde: Nobody showed up? Why not?

Lola: Because two big stinkers came along and ruined everything!

Lana: Yeah! They TP'd all the trees and smashed all the Jack-O-Lanterns.

Lola: And worst of all, they stole everybody's candy!

Lisa: And with the amount of candy I had, we're talking grand larceny.

Lincoln: Where's Laney? [Lisa points to Laney and Joey tied up to the tree with toilet paper. Lincoln and Clyde gasp and huddled up]

Clyde: Two big stinkers? You don't think it was the guys we told to come here, do you?

Lincoln: No way, Clyde. There's plenty of big stinkers in our neighborhood.

Clyde: True.

Lana: [anguished] I'll never shake the sound of their big dumb laughs.

Clyde: Wait. Didn't those guys have big dumb laughs?

Lincoln: Clyde, plenty of people have big dumb laughs.

Clyde: True.

Lola: [vengeful] And I'll never forget those creepy baby-faced masks!

Clyde: Wait. Didn't those guys-

Lincoln: Okay, Clyde, it was them.

Lisa: Ugh. All Hallow's Eve, street name Halloween, is clearly ruined.

[The other sisters go back inside greatly upset of what happened. Lily crawls by sighing with despair. Laney frees her and Joey]

Laney: Wait! Come back! We can still make this work! Sure we don't have any candy and can't clean up the pumpkins but.. uh... [Joey puts his hand on her shoulder]

Joey: I'm sorry this happened to you, Laney. But, look on the bright side. At least we had fun tonight.

Laney: [sniffles] Yeah. Up to the point that we got robbed of our sweet... choclatey.. candy! [sobs, Joey continues to console her]

Lincoln: [riddled with guilt] This is all our fault, Clyde! We led those stinkers right to my street!

Lincoln and Clyde: We ruined Halloween!

Clyde: Why didn't Dr. Lopez tell me the pitfalls of looking out for me?

Lincoln: We gotta fix this, Clyde.

Clyde: I'm with you. But how?

Lincoln: Well, we can't unsmash the Jack-O-Lanterns, and it's too late to get people to come to the maze. But we can get everybody's candy back.

Clyde: [scared] From those two big scary guys who could twist us into human pretzels and dip us in a sauce of their choosing?

Lincoln: What choice do we have?

Clyde: I guess you're right. I hope at least it's honey mustard. [Lincoln walks up to Laney]

Lincoln: Come on, Laney. We're gonna save Halloween.

Laney: We are? How?

Lincoln: We're gonna get everyone's candy back.

Laney: [stands up] I'm in! Later, Joey! [Laney runs off with the boys]

[The boys, now out of their costumes, are walking the streets]

Lincoln: Laney. You can take off the costume now.

Laney: Yes I do. It's still Halloween you know! I'm just trying to keep in the spirit.

Lincoln: Okay. First, we gotta find those guys. But it won't be easy. We don't even know where to start looking.

Clyde: [notices something] How about that trail of candy wrappers?

[The boys follow the trail until a gust of wind blows the wrappers away]

Lincoln: No, our trail!

Clyde: [shaking Lincoln vigorously] What are we gonna do now?

[Some familiar laughter goes off]

Lincoln and Clyde: [gasp] The big dumb laughs!

[Hank and Hawk are eating candy and dragging their sacks down the path while tossing wrappers on the ground]

Hank: Pretty awesome booty, bro.

Hawk: Thanks, bro. I've been doing squats.

Hank: Not you, the candy.

Hawk: Oh. Right.

[Lincoln, Clyde, and Laney follow them to their hideout which is a treehouse]

Clyde: I don't know which is worse: the stealing or the littering?

Lincoln: We need a plan. [comes up with one] I know! We train some squirrels to go in and attack them. While they're busy getting rabies, we grab the candy.

Clyde: I like the wildlife approach, but I was thinking we get a beaver to chew down the tree.

Lincoln: Or we hypnotize those guys so they fall asleep.

Clyde: Or, building off of that, I put them to sleep by playing the lullabies my dads put on my phone. [takes out phone] Of course, I'd have to put in earplugs so I don't fall asleep.

Laney: Enough! I don't need a plan! I NEED CANDY! [Laney runs towards the treehouse, climbs up and runs out with the bags of candy] Yow! Did you see that! I gave those rotten bullies the slip! That oughta teach them to steal candy that's not theres. [Lincoln and Clyde suddenly get scared]

Lincoln: Uh.. Laney?

Laney: I know, you're surprised to see little Laney do something reckless like that. But no one gets in the way of my favorite holiday.

Clyde: Laney?

Laney: No need for thank yous. [Zoom out to reveal Hank and Hawk behind Laney] Even though I completely saved Halloween from those big, brainless, smelly, pack of apes! [Leans on Hank] You guys know what I'm talking about ri- [Laney is shocked to finally find out the bullies followed her. They close in on the three ready to pummel them] Uh... [Pulls out a piece of chocolate from the bag] Wanna split a kitty kat?

[The scene cuts to a pretzel to leave out the pummeling happening off-screen and changes to Lincoln, Clyde, and Laney now as human pretzels in a dumpster, groaning in pain]

Clyde: I guess the dipping sauce of their choosing was garbage.

Hawk: All this butt kicking has worked up my appetite. Let's go finish off the candy.

Hank: We'll see you doofuses next Halloween. And tell your neighbors no more dark chocolate. We're milk chocolate guys.

[They laugh and leave]

Lincoln: Guys, we can't let these guys ruin everybody's future Halloweens.

Laney: And we won't! [Laney gets out of the dumpster] All year round I've been waiting for the one day where I get to put on a costume and get candy! And that's why Halloween is my favorite holiday, it's why it's everyone's favorite holiday. And I speak for every candy-crazed kid in America when I say I won't let those two meatheads ruin this day for me!

Clyde: Great speech, Laney. But what are we gonna do? Next time, they might twist us into garlic knots. Or French crullers.

Lincoln: Clyde, you're spiraling.

Clyde: I know. I'd better do my deep breathing before I get a nosebleed. [pauses] Inhale one... [inhales] ...exhale two. [exhales]

Lincoln: [inspired] Wait a minute. Nosebleed. Clyde, do you remember the first time we ran into them?

Laney: You've met them?

Lincoln: Yeah, and they turn nauseous at the sight of blood. And I know where there's plenty of it.

Clyde: [picks up a dirty soda cup and holds it below his nostrils] Okay, I'll start thinking of Lori.

Lincoln: No no, Clyde. Not you. [takes out his phone and calls Lucy on her personal phone]

Lucy: [answers] You rang?

Lincoln: Lucy, how would you like to have your haunted maze after all?

[Lucy emerges from her coffin and gives off a slight smile]

[Near the stinkers' treehouse, Lincoln and Clyde are in their Alister and Nigel disguises again with bags full of leaves while Clyde is shaking in terror]

Lincoln: You okay, buddy?

Clyde: To be honest, I'm scared out of my mind. But as a great man once said, "We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end".

[Lincoln just stares blankly with no idea who he meant]

Clyde: Winston Churchill. It was in the study guide.

Lincoln: Sorry. If we survive this, I'll read the rest of it.

[They get their sacks ready]

Lincoln: [sighs] Well, here we go.

[They get into character and proceed]

Clyde: [British accent] I say, Alister, old chap, we certainly had a smashing success with the sweets tonight.

Lincoln: [British accent] Indeed. And what a selection. All milk chocolate.

[Hearing that catches Hank and Hawk's attention]

Hawk: Bro, did you hear that? More candy!

Hank: Aw, there's no way I can eat more candy.

[They start laughing]

Hawk: Good one.

Hank: Aw, I know.

[They see the boys]

Hawk: Let's get 'em!

[They leap out of the treehouse and give chase to Clincoln McCloud. The boys climb over a log, but the stinkers plow right through it. The boys hop over stones on a lake, but the stinkers charge on top of the water. The boys cross another log acting as a bridge, and when the stinkers try, their combined weight breaks the bridge, making them fall, scream, and climb up with their bare hands. Soon, they arrive back into town]

Hawk: [stops in pain] Ugh, stomach cramps!

Hank: Aw, man! If you get a cramp, I'll get a cramp.

Clyde: [looking back] I think we're losing them! [realizes] Oh, wait. We don't wanna lose them!

Lincoln: Let's just job in place.

[They do so]

Hawk: I'm okay!

Lincoln: Go!

[The chase resumes all the way to the corn maze with the stinkers getting ready to pummel the boys again as they rush in]

Hank: They're ours now.

[Lincoln and Clyde duck into a few corn plants and lose them]

Clyde: It worked! We got them in here.

Lincoln: As Winston Churchill once said, "Never, never, never give up". [Clyde looks at him all ecstatically] I felt bad, so while we were jogging in place, I glanced at the study guide.

[The stinkers are still looking]

Hawk: [a little scared] It's really dark in here.

Hank: Man up, bro! I want that candy. [Laney was in the corn maze watching the stinkers]

Laney: Alright, stinkers. Let's see what scares you... [the light turn off]

Hank: What's that?

[Luna is playing on her organ; song begins]

 _When darkness falls on the house of Loud_

 _Around every corner, new terror abounds_

 _You don't want to lose your head! Ha ha ha!_

 _You can run, but you can't hide_

 _They know that you taste better alive_

 _I don't think that they've been fed_

 _In a long, long time_

 _Every corner, every floor_

 _Watch out, they ain't heard before_

 _Ghastly ghouls out for blood_

 _Sorry, boys_

 _You got tricked_

 _You got tricked_

 _You got punked and pranked with a spooky twist_

 _Before you wet your pants, better get out quick_

 _Tricked, tricked, tricked_

 _You got...tricked_

 _Beware of fangs and bloody fur_

 _A Loud House chainsaw massacre_

 _There's no chance that you'll get out_

 _Ghosts writing your eulogy_

 _Heads are rolling literally_

 _So, who needs their mommy now?_

 _Spilling guts on the floor_

 _Clean up on aisle four_

 _Why you running off so soon?_

 _Sorry dude_

 _You got tricked_

 _You got tricked_

 _You got punked and pranked with a spooky twist_

 _Before you wet your pants, better get out quick_

 _Tricked, tricked, tricked_

 _You got...tricked_

[During the montage, the Loud Sisters scare the stinkers with everything they throw at them. Luan brings Mr. Coconuts to life, Lisa and Lily act rabid, Lori acts like she's been feasting on Rita, Lynn turns on her chainsaw Lola appears like a corpse, Lana acts as her ghost, Leni walks around blindly under her dress with Geo rolling in his ball with the fake head still on, Laney was stirring a monster filled pot and cackled like a real witch, and everything else in the maze terrifies them to the point where the sounds of their screams catches the attention of the other kids on the block, and they run into Lucy who is blocking the exit]

Lucy: The crimes you have committed this night shan't go unpunished. You reap what you sow.

[She slashes a rope with her scythe, dumping a bucket of fake blood on them, making them scream]

Hank: Blood!

Hawk: I'm gonna puke!

Hank: If you're gonna puke, I'm gonna puke!

[As they run out screaming, Lucy gives a small smile of satisfaction]

Hank: [nauseous] We're not...coming back here...again...

[He and Hawk run off]

Luna: [finishing her song] You got...tricked.

[Everyone cheers for a successful maze scare]

Lana: That was awesome!

Leni: That was so awesome!

Lincoln: Thanks, guys. I think we taught those two big stinkers a lesson.

Lucy: No, thank you for bringing them here. You totally made my Halloween. I've never been happier.

[Once again, little to no change of emotion on her; Clyde examines it]

Lincoln: Trust me, she's happy. Hopefully, next year, your maze will have more than two customers.

Rita: [notices something] Looks like we won't have to wait till next year.

[Every kid in the neighborhood showed up]

Lucy: [on megaphone] Places, everyone.

[The girls go back in the maze. Joey runs in with the other kids]

Joey: Laney!

Laney: Joey!

Joey: I saw everything! Whatever's in that maze really scared those blokes straight!

Laney: Yep! And you can thank these guys for making all this back from the dead.

Lincoln: Thanks, Laney. I'm sorry no one's gonna get any candy.

Clyde: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Lincoln: Let's go get our shovels!

[Lincoln and Clyde are giving out the full-size bars they got to the kids who had their candy stolen]

Ballerina girl: Trick or treat!

[Lincoln gives her one]

Clyde: Here you go.

Harry Potter boy: Trick or treat!

Lincoln: [gives him one] And here you go.

Robot kid: [in a faux metallic voice] TRICK OR TREAT.

[Lincoln gives him one and the younger sisters are next]

Laney, Lola, Lana and Lisa: Trick or treat!

[Lincoln gives each of them one]

Lola: Ooh!

Lana: Full-size candy bars? No way!

Lisa: Wow. Where did you acquire these magnificent specimens?

Lincoln: It's a long story. Let's just say next Halloween, we have a great place to take you guys trick-or-treating.

Clyde: You'll just need a British accent.

Laney: [bites into her choclate bar] Mmmm! So good!

[The sisters run off and a boy as a mummy comes up next]

Mummy boy: Trick or treat!

[Lincoln gives him one. Lola and Lana come back in their salt and pepper shaker costumes]

Lola and Lana: Trick or treat!

Lincoln: [too smart for the trick] Nice try.

[The twins walk away foiled. A girl dressed as a hot dog is the last one]

Hot dog girl: Trick or treat!

[Lincoln gives her one]

Clyde: That's everybody.

Lincoln: Great. And the rest of the candy bars are all ours.

Clyde: Well... [reaches in and pulls out a single fun size bar] ...there's actually just this one.

Lincoln: Eh, that's all right. Giving them out was just as fun as getting them. Splitsies?

Clyde: Sure.

[They split the bar and take their halves]

Clyde: Thanks, Jack-O-Lincoln. Happy Halloween.

Lincoln: Happy Halloween, McBride of Frankenstein.

[Lynn Sr. finally comes to and wakes up]

Lynn Sr.: [relieved] Oh, thank goodness it's over. [hears a thump and screams] What was that? [sees the Marie head, still rolled by Geo underneath, hitting the wagon and screams one last time] I HATE HALLOWEEN!


	68. Fool's Paradise

**Fool's Paradise**

It was that time of year again, April Fools Day. Once again the family had to protect themselves from Luan's reign of comedic terror. That's why everyone gathered in a meeting to discuss about what to do with the prankster.

[The siblings sans Luan are talking about something in Lori and Leni's room.]

Lisa: [showing a cold sleep chamber] And that's why I propose we cryogenically freeze Luan for April Fool's Day. She can't prank us if she's frozen solid. [The siblings sans Luan look at her shocked at such a suggestion.] Oh, come on! She'll maintain brain function. Well, a little.

Laney: [Pushes Lisa] Well, thank you Lisa for that suggestion. We'll keep in touch. Okay, anyone else?

[The twins look at each other.]

Lola: Lana and I have an idea.

[Lisa moves her chamber out of the way and the twins place a standing spot. Lincoln comes in wearing some kind of hazmat suit. They spin him around on a platform like a model]

Lola: We call it the Prank-Me-Not Poncho. [pulls a cord, causing the suit to inflate a bit.] The inflatable lining cushions you from all manner of pranks.

[An automated boot kicks Lincoln.]

Lincoln: Ow! [gets hit by a spring-loaded boxing glove] Ooh! Ow! I can feel that!

Lola: Not a problem. We just need a little more air.

[Lola pulls the cord again, but it comes off, causing the suit and Lincoln to float up to the ceiling.]

Lori: Does anyone have an idea that will actually work? April Fool's Day is this weekend, and I am not losing another eyebrow. [rubs her brow] They're starting to grow in coarse.

Luna: I say we post bad reviews of Fanny's Prank Emporium, and force them out of business!

Lynn: Ooh, that's good. We eliminate her supplier, we eliminate the problem.

Lincoln: We're too late for that. Luan got her prank supplies shipped to an offshore warehouse months ago. [The other sisters look at him speechless] She told me that to scare me. It totally worked.

Laney: Well I say we put her in restraints again.

Lynn: That won't work! She escaped last time!

Laney: That's because we put her in a crate. This time we put her in a straightjacket! She can't prank if she can't move her arms.

Lucy: What if she doesn't use her arms to prank us?

Laney: Already thought of that. We'll also lock her up in her room until April 2nd.

Lucy: But what if she escapes from her room and gets out of the straightjacket?

Laney: Then we'll evacuate into the van before she gets there and... I'm not gonna win this agrument, am I? [The siblings shake her head no. Laney sighs in defeat]

Lori: [notices Leni reading a magazine] Leni, are you even paying attention?

Leni: Oh, sorry. I was just reading this ad for a clown camp that takes place over April Fool's Day weekend. [shows them said ad]

Leni's Siblings: [angry] WHAT?!

Lincoln: [grabs the magazine and looks at the ad.] This is perfect! If we send Luan to this camp, she'll be two states away from us. [notices the price] Oh, but it costs 500 bucks.

[The sisters look at each other. Cut to Rita looking at the ad.]

Rita: Well, that is a lot of money, but if it means we don't have to spend April Fool's in these suits, I'd say it's worth it.

[It's revealed that she and Lynn Sr. are stuck on the ceiling wearing Prank-Me-Not Ponchos their size.]

Lynn Sr.: Agreed. Someone toss me my checkbook.

[Later that night at dinner]

Luan: [looking at the pamphlet for the camp.] A weekend at Funny Farm's Clown Camp? Oh, this is my dream come true! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! But what's the occasion?

Lynn Sr.: Why do we need an occasion to spoil our favorite little comedienne, huh?

Luan: [joyfully hugs her dad, but realizes]Oh, wait. It's on April Fool's weekend.

Lynn Sr. [suddenly does a spit take on Lisa] Is it? I, uh-I didn't realize.

Luan: I don't know if I can be away from my family on my favorite holiday.

Lynn: Ah, but think about all that fresh meat at the camp just waiting to be pranked.

Laney: That camp is aching to see your comedic genius.

Luan: [enlightened] Oh, you're right! Well, in that case, I camp wait! [laughs] Get it?

[Everyone else laughs nervously]

Lincoln: [feigning amusement] That is hilarious! Where do you come up with this stuff? Oh, I swear, I'm gonna pee.

Lucy: Lincoin, don't oversell it.

[Vanzilla arrives at Funny Farm and the family drops Luan off.]

Luan: Well, guys, this is it. I'm really gonna miss you, but-

[The rest of the family eagerly bid her farewell.]

Luan: Wait, wait! I changed my mind!

Luna: [horrified] PUNCH IT, DAD!

[Luan opens the door and her siblings scream in horror.]

Luan: [holds up pink shoes] I want the blue clown shoes, not the pink ones.

[Her siblings sigh with relief]

Lynn: [gives her the blue shoes in a hurry] Here, take them all!

[Later that night, Vanzilla suddenly breaks down in the middle of the road.]

Lynn Sr.: Ah, dang it. Sorry, guys. Looks like Vanzilla just died on us.

Lana: I'm on it, Dad! [checks under her seat and gets nothing.] Huh, that's weird. I thought I packed my toolbox.

Lynn Sr.: It's okay, sweetie. We'll just get a tow in the morning. There's a motel right there.

 **BUTTZ MOTEL**

 **FREE WI-FI**

 **COLOR TV**

 **AIR COND**

Lola: [scoffs at the motel's condition] Lola Loud does not stay in two-star motels!

[One of the stars on the signs breaks off.]

Rita: [smug] Well, there you go. Now it's a one-star, so you're good.

Laney: I don't care that it has 40 stars! As long as i'm not with Luan!

[Lola pouts. The family is now in one of the rooms, all sleeping except Lana.]

Lana: [praying] And please watch over Cliff, Charles, Geo, and Walt, and Izzy, Hops, Bitey, Fangs, El Diablo-

Lori: [wakes up crankily] Lana!

Lana: But I didn't get to my ant colony yet.

Lori: Good night!

[Lori goes back to sleep and Lana curls up and goes to sleep, too. Just then, a cricket starts chirping non-stop, waking Lincoln up.]

Lincoln: Seriously? That's not bothering anyone else?

Lynn: [in a hammock] Oh, my bad. Those gas station burritos always get me going.

Lincoln: Not that, the cricket. [starts walking across the room, stepping on his sisters sleeping in the spots along the way.]

Lisa: Ouch!

Laney: Hey!

Luna: Seriously, dude?!

Lincoln: I'm sorry. I can't see anything. Let me just turn on a light. [flips the switch only to somehow turn on the TV at full volume.]

Sisters and Parents: [wake up furiously] LINCOLN!

Lincoln: Sorry. [frantically pulls the knob on the TV which somehow activates his parents' bed's vibrating setting.]

Lynn Sr.: [vibrating] Lincoln! [falls out of bed] Oh!

Lincoln: I'm sorry! I can't figure out how anything works in here!

[As Lincoln keeps trying to shut everything off, the alarm goes off and Lynn turn it off, and the coffee machine starts leaking.]

Rita: Lincoln, stop hitting switches! You're making things worse! [looks for the plug] Now, where is the dang plug for this thing? [gets hit by a following wall light] Ow!

Leni: I'll get some more towels to clean up that coffee! [runs to the bathroom and gets sprayed by a blast of water and screams.]

Laney: I got it! [Walks over to the leak but she slips on the coffee and falls down] Ow!

[Suddenly, everything stops]

Lana: Well, that should do it. Whoever wired this place had no idea what they were doing. [shows she wired everything properly. Laney unplugs the coffee maker]

Lincoln: [skeptical] I think they knew exactly what they were doing. Look what I found. [holds up a synthetic cricket with a familiar logo.] This cricket is a fake! It's from Fanny's Prank Emporium!

[Everyone else gasps]

Lori: There's where Luan gets all her pranking supplies!

Lynn: [gasps] You don't think she's behind this, do you?

Laney: [Nervous] No.. No it can't be.

Rita: [scoffs at the notion] Yeah. Besides, she's at camp. I'll call her right now. [calls Luan]

Luan Voicemail: Hello, family. I hope you're enjoying your stay. Buckle up. There's mo-telling what's gonna happen next. [evil laugh] Get it?

[Everyone except Lynn Sr. screams]

Laney: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Lincoln: Laney, why are you panicking? Don't you have your anti-prank equipment?

Laney: No! I left it at home because thought I didn't had to worry about Luan anymore now that she's at camp. But she's not at camp! She's here! Pranking us! [shakes Lincoln] I'm not ready, man! I'M NOT READY!

Lynn Sr.: Okay, everybody stay calm. We'll just go to the manager and get a new room.

Lisa: [suspicious] How do we know that's not exactly what she wants us to do? I vote we stay put.

[She sits on the bed and it suddenly pulls back in the wall, trapping her inside.]

Lincoln: Hang on, Lisa! We'll get you out!

Lisa: [muffled inside] Negative! Proceed without me. I'm safer in here.

Lynn Sr.: Let's go.

[The others leave, but Lincoln drops the fake cricket on the way out.]

Lisa: [annoyed] LINCOLN! THE CRICKET!

[The rest of the family runs for it, but the flooring is starting to give way.]

Lincoln: Ah! She cut the floorboards!

[Everyone stops. Suddenly, Luna falls through the floor. The others see she landed right on top of a giant gelatin block.]

Lynn: [holding her leg out] Luna, grab my foot! I'll pull you to safety with my quads!

Luna: [with her fingers covered in gelatin] I can't, dude! Major gelatin hands! I'm cool here! Carry on, my wayward sons! [sinks into the gelatin]

[The rest of the family approach the door to the lobby with the door's handle gleaming.]

Family: [touching their noses] DIBS NOT!

[Leni realizes she put her finger in her ear instead of on her nose.]

Leni: Dang it! I always do it wrong.

[She opens the door and gets knocked back by an instantly inflating clown prop that sends her flying into the sign now with flypaper, trapping her on it, where she sees neon lights that form Luan laughing at her as her family gasps.]

Laney: Leni!

Leni: You guys go on without me! I'd rather be stuck up here than get pranked by Luan!

[The others rush into the lobby; Lynn Sr. rings the bell and the manager pops up.]

Lynn Sr.: Good evening, sir. We need a new room.

Manager: Fine. You can have 1A. [gives them the key]

Lola: [snatches it] Princesses first!

Laney: Lola, wait! It might be a trap!

Lola: Relax, Laney. The first room is always the safest.

[They run to room 1A and Lola goes into it, but the sign was a fake and reveals she ran into a broom closet. A strange odor comes out and Lola screams. She opens the door and lets out a skunk.]

Lola: [stinky and defeated] The rat skunked me. [faints]

Lana: [grabs the key] The real 1A's over there. [sees Lynn about to open the door and stops her..] Don't touch that handle! Remember what happened to Leni.

Leni: [still stuck on the sign] Hi, you guys! [Lily waves to her]

Lana: I have an idea. [grabs a room service trolley] CHARGE! [busts down the door, suddenly falls, and lands into a hole.] I'm okay! I landed in pie! [slurps the filling, causing her face to swell up and talk muffled.] And of course, she made it rhubarb pie, which I'm allergic to.

Laney: She's using our alergies as jokes?! She's a monster!

Lori: [petrified] I can't take this anymore! I'm getting out of here! [rushes to Vanzilla and starts it up, but suddenly gets hit by the airbag.] MY EYEBROWS!

Laney: Oh, gosh! This is it! The end! There's no way outta here! We're all doomed to be pranked to death!

Lynn Sr: Hurry! Into that room on the end of the hallway! [The remaining family members run through the hallway and reached the room at the end of it]

Laney: Hold it! So far, Luan has booby trapped every last room in here. How can we be sure that this room is safe?

Lynn Sr.: Why don't you check, Laney? I mean, you are the wisest in this family.

Laney: B-B-But what if I get pranked?

Lincoln: Don't worry, Laney. What can Luan possibly have on you that she can use to prank you?

Laney: Good point. Well, here I go. [Laney opens the door and the whole room was dark] Huh. There's nothing here.

Lynn Sr.: Hold on. I'll turn on the lights. [Lynn Sr. turned on the lights and the room was filled with clowns. Laney was unbelieveably terrified to see that her fear was chuckling right at her]

Laney: [Terrified] No.. no... CLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNSSS!

[Flashback to Laney's second birthday]

Flashback Rita: Happy birthday sweetie! [Laney giggles] We have a very special surprise for you. [The guests were all seated in a row as the entertainment appears. A clown rode in on a tiny bicicle.]

Clown: Hey kids! [Everyone cheered except for Laney, who was creeped out by the sight of the clown] I hear it's someone's birthday! So where's that special little guy? [Everyone pointed to Laney who was hiding under the chair. The clown crouched down to her level.] Aw, don't need to be afraid. [The clown picked her up and hold her in his hands] I'm just here to make you laugh, see? [As the clown chuckled, Laney saw him as a scary killer with sharp teeth and creepy make up.]

Flashback Laney: [terrified] WAAAAAAAAHHH!

[End flashback. Laney was still screaming until she locked herself in a fetal position]

Laney: [terrified] C-C-C-C-Clowns... C-C-C-Clowns everywhere... L-L-L-Laughing at me... [weeping]

Lucy: Using our alergies as pranks is one thing, but our fears? You gotta admit, Luan's getting real creative this year.

Lynn Sr. Quick! To the basement! It's always the safest place in an emergency!

Lincoln: Wait! We can't just leave Laney here!

Lynn: Forget it, Linc. We lost her. Best we can do is move on.

Lincoln: We still need her to help us survive the night!

Rita: But who's gonna carry her?

Remaining Family: DIBS NOT!

Lincoln: Dibs- [realizes he's too late] Dang it.

[The remaining family members rush down to the basement and into the laundry room. Inside, Lily notices a rattle on the floor, giggles, and toddles over to it.]

Rita: Lily, no! It could be a trap! [grabs Lily and gives her to her husband and hears a rattling from the laundry chute, which she's directly under.] Oh, chute! [gets buried under an avalanche of dirty laundry.] I'm trapped! Save yourselves!

Lynn Sr.: Come on, kids! Say goodbye to your mother!

[As they escape, Lucy gets her foot caught in a trigger rope and a bucket of some white substance splashes onto her.]

Lucy: [worried] Please tell me this is not bleach. [suddenly turns a pale white] And it's bleach. Go on without me. I don't wanna be seen in public like this.

[The others leave]

Lynn Sr. [kneeling on one knee] Okay, take a knee.

[Lynn and Lincoln do as told. Lincoln puts Laney down]

Lynn Sr.: "Now, I know we're dropping like flies here. But let's not lose hope. If we stick together, we should be okay."

[While he's explaining everything, a fishing lure comes by, picks Lily up by her diaper, and lowers a monkey wearing a diaper down in her place.]

Lynn Sr.: Lynn Jr., why don't you grab the Lilster, and we'll find a safer spot to hide.

[Lynn picks up the monkey who then starts attacking her, making her scream and run off in a frenzy.]

Lynn Sr. Looks like it's just you and me, son. What do you say we go hide in the boiler room? [suddenly pulls his sleeve and checks something.] Uh, wait. Um...uh, the-the roof is next.

Lincoln: [confused] The roof is next? What does that mean? And why did you just look at your arm?

Lynn Sr. [nervous] What? I- [starts licking it]

[Lincoln grabs his dad's arm and sees it's all the places they went to in the motel and the sisters and Rita got pranked at.]

Lincoln: Room 2C, Hallway, Lobby, Room 1A, Laundry Room? These are all the places we got pranked! [gasps] You've been helping her!

Laney: [Snaps out of it] What?

Lincoln: Dad was in cahoots to this pranking nightmare.

Laney: Dad! How could you!? You knew very well that clowns terrify me!

Lynn Sr.: I know sweetie. But let me explain... [turns on the light] I've been on Luan's scheme the whole time. A few weeks ago, she came to me...

[Flashback to Lynn Sr. driving in Vanzilla. He is whistling casually only to see Luan in his rear-view mirror sporting a malicious grin. He screams at the sight of her.]

Lynn Sr. [narrating] ...and said she needed an inside man to pull off her biggest April Fool's ever. It was a very sophisticated operation. First, we planted a fake ad in one of Leni's magazines. Then we set up a fake clown camp. Now, that wasn't as easy. Do you have any idea how much it costs to buy land? We faked the van breaking down with a little help from one of Luna's fog machines. And, of course, Luan wasn't gonna miss seeing you all get pranked. The manager? That's her. She's been watching everything on the security cameras.

[All the events explained are shown with Lynn Sr. looking guiltily with the operation going by. When Luan checks the cameras, she takes off her disguise and laughs evilly. End flashback.]

Lincoln: Dad, how could you sell out your own family like that?

Lynn Sr. Luan promised me a prank-free decade! A DECADE, KIDS!

Laney: And you believed her?

Lincoln: [betrayed] I hope it was worth it.

Lynn Sr.: [guilty] Oh, it was not worth it. I feel terrible! What kind of father am I? What kind of... [sobs] ...husband? [starts crying in shame]

Lincoln: [consoling] It's okay, Dad. You're not the bad guy here. Luan is.

Lynn Sr.: No, no, son. I'm just as guilty. I went along with her!

Laney: That's because she tempted you. But that's okay, you still have a chance to stop all this.

Lynn Sr.: [Realizes] You're right. Maybe it's not too late to redeem myself. What do you think of putting Operation Find Our Family and Get Back at Luan for Causing Years of Emotional Damage and Also Think of a Shorter Name for This Operation into action?

Lincoln: [determined] I'm in!

Laney: Me too!

[Back in the security room, Luan watches as her brother and father step into the elevator to go to the roof, unaware of their team-up.]

Luan: My pranking is about to reach new heights! [laughs] Get it? [realizes she's alone] Oh. There's no one here.

[As Lynn Sr. presses the button on the elevator, it suddenly stops and he calls the "manager" and Luan answers the phone.]

Lynn Sr. Hello, manager? This is Lynn Loud Sr. My son, my daughter and I were just headed up to the roof, but we seem to have gotten stuck in the elevator.

Luan: [deep falsetto] Uh...I'll be right there. [hangs up and gets her mask] This is what I get for hiring an amateur. [puts on her mask and fixes the elevator while fully disguised.] That should do it.

[Just as the elevator door opens, the clown prop that got Leni gets Luan and sends her flying into the sign with her neon lights now laughing at her. The flypaper gives way and she falls face first into a rhubarb pie on the trap bed and gets catapulted in the air.]

Luan: Whoa!

[She lands in the dirty laundry which activates the airbag, sending her flying into the gelatin Luna sunk into and the skunk that sprayed Lola sprays her. The monkey then puts on a helmet and pulls a cord, revealing that she's now wearing a Prank-Me-Not Poncho. The cord comes off and the poncho starts inflating. The rest of the family comes to celebrate their victory.]

Lynn Sr. We did it, you guys! We finally beat Luan at her own game!

Laney: Maybe now you learned your lesson about how your pranks hurt, Luan!

[Luan's poncho inflates so much that she floats up. The family continues to celebrate, but...]

Luan: [condescendingly] Clap, clap, clap. Well done, family. You got me. You may have won this time, but next year, I'm gonna stop going easy on you and give you all an April Fool's you'll never forget! ESPECIALLY YOU, DAD! [starts laughing maniacally]

Lynn Sr: [horrified along with his family] WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

[The rest of the family runs away screaming in terror as Luan keeps floating and laughing until the episode irises out on her, cutting her laughter off.]


	69. Job Insecurity

**Job Insecurity**

[The siblings arrive to the office where Lynn Sr. works in Vanzilla.]

Lori: Dad must have been so caught up making us breakfast that he forget his work stuff. [Inside the van, each of the kids are eating breakfast sandwiches. Lori holds up a satchel with a laptop in it.] Luna, will you run Dad's laptop up to him?

Luna: And leave my breakfast sandwich with you animals? That's a neg, dude.

[Luna shoves Lana and Lola away from her, who try to grab hold of her breakfast sandwich.]

Leni: I'll do it. I trust you guys.

[Leni puts her breakfast sandwich down, is given the laptop from Lori, and heads off. Luna, Lana, and Lola lay their eyes on Leni's half-eaten breakfast sandwich. Lana and Lola attempt to grab it, but Lori swats their hands away, and grabs the sandwich.]

Lori: You guys, not cool. [smug] As the oldest, I totally get her sandwich. [Laney snags the sandwich from Lori]

Laney: No you are not! Besides if anyone should get this sandwich is me!

Lori: Okay, we'll play rock paper scissors. [They do so]

Laney and Lori: Rock. Paper.

Lori: [Gasps] Is that Joey?

Laney: Where?! [While Laney was looking away, Lori takes a bite of the breakfast sandwich. Laney turned back and sees Lori eating and pouts at her. Just then, Leni came back in the car]

Leni: Guys, I got some bad news. Dad hasn't been at work for three weeks!

Siblings: Three weeks?!

[Leni nods her head in agreement. On the outside, Lisa has done some calculations by writing equations on the dirty exterior of the van.]

Lisa: Based on my calculations, it appears our father's employment was terminated immediately following the most recent Take Your Kids to Work Day.

Lincoln: You don't think we had anything to do with it, do you?

[Flashback to the previous Take Your Kids to Work Day. The siblings are creating complete chaos in the office. Lincoln and Lynn play with water gun type toys, Luan and Lola toss water balloons at each other, Lori, Leni, Luna, Laney, and Lucy are running around with swivel chairs, and Lana is swinging around with toilet paper. End flashback, all of the siblings become worried and start to chatter nervously.]

Laney: What if we cost dad his job?

Lori: We're literally the worst.

Leni: Now I can't even eat that delicious sandwich he made. I feel too guilty.

[Lori is seen eating Leni's breakfast sandwich conspicuously. She swallows her mouthful.]

Lori: Me too.

Lola: Wait, if Daddy hasn't had a job for three weeks, where's he even going when he leaves the house every morning?

Lisa: I believe I can locate him. [she pulls out a tracking radar] I recently implanted a tracking chip in both our parental units.

[The siblings look at Lisa rather suspiciously.]

Lucy: A tracking chip? You didn't put those in us, did you?

[Unbeknownst to them, there's a little blinking light emitting from them, indicating Lisa did indeed implant tracking devices on them. Lisa looks at her tracking radar, and sees red dots (which represent her siblings) blinking onscreen, prompting her to press a button to make the tracking chips stop beeping. She succeeds, and Lincoln scratches his chin.]

Lisa: [wickedly] Noooo...

[Radar scan transition. Lisa is reading her radar, while Lori drives.]

Lisa: Lori, turn due southeast. [Lori turns said direction, and they arrive to the location, which is Hawaiian stylized building with Russian themed onion domes. Outside of the building are tikis and Hawaiian themed Russian nesting dolls.] We appear to have arrived at Father's location.

[The location in question is called...]

Lynn: The Aloha Comrade Hawaiian/Russian Fusion Restaurant? What's he doing here?

Leni: Poor guy must be drowning his sorrows in Humuhumunukunukuapua'a borscht.

Leni's siblings: [befuddled] Whaaaaat?

Leni: Have you guys never really heard of borscht?

[Inside the kitchen of the restaurant, Lynn Sr. is seen washing the dishes. The siblings peek thought the window, and notice their father inside. When he comes back to the sink to toss in more dishes, they quickly duck so they don't get caught. Leni is seen hiding her face with a single leaf.]

Lola: Dad's a dishwasher?

Lucy: But he hates doing dishes.

Luan: Yeah, and now that's his job- because of us.

Lynn: This is worse than the time we ruined his 40th birthday party.

Leni: And his college reunion.

Luna: And his roller dance competition.

Lisa: And his colonoscopy.

Lori: [sadly] Guys, Dad does so much for us, and all we do is make his life worse.

Laney: Don't say that! Sure we ruined everything for our dad but there's no reason to call ourselves bad kids. There's gotta be a way to fix this!

[Lincoln peeks through the window]

Lincoln: I think there is, Laney. We're gonna get Dad a new and better job.

[The sisters unanimously agree with Lincoln's idea.]

Leni: We just all need to work together!

[The siblings quickly cover their mouths, and duck out of sight to make sure their father doesn't notice them. As they sneakily head off, Lana pops out of the restaurant's dumpster.]

Lana: Oh, guys, someone threw out a perfectly good pineapple stroganoff.

[She eats said stroganoff.]

[The kids are all thinking of what job to get their dad. Luna is banging her head against the fireplace.]

Lola: [snaps her fingers] I've got the perfect job for Daddy: figure skater!

[A fantasy of Lynn Sr. figure skating is shown.]

Lynn: No way! Soccer goalie!

[A fantasy of him blocking Soccer balls every which way is shown.]

Lucy: Uh-uh. Beat poet.

[A fantasy of Lynn Sr. dressed as a beatnik, playing bongos, and reciting poetry is shown.]

Beatnik Lynn Sr.: Darkness, despair, lack of hair.

[Back to reality; Luna is dazed from banging her head too much.]

Laney: How about janitor? [A fantasy of Lynn Sr. cleaning up a school hallway while dancing to some tunes on headphones is shown]

Lola: Come on, Laney! Think bigger!

Laney: Well, I just figure that he's better at cleaning up messes.

Lana: Yeah, cleaning up OUR messes!

Laney: Oh.

Lisa: Need I remind you, Father has only one monetizable skill set: information technology, street name: IT.

Lincoln: [looking at the classified section] Oh! What about this? "Computer expert needed for internet start-up."

Leni: I thought someone already started the internet.

Lori: This is good. [logs in] Let's fill out an application and send it in. [fills it out] And...done! [clicks the mouse]

[Sometime later, a notification arrives and the kids check it with good results.]

Lana: Yes! They liked Dad's application and want him to come in for an interview.

Luna: Wait. What if he doesn't get the gig? Then we'll have gotten his hopes up for nothing.

Lincoln: How about we get the job for him, then surprise him with it?

Lisa: [ponders] So, you're saying we clone Dad while he's sleep and send the clone to the interview? Great idea! I underestimated you, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Actually, I was thinking one of us could just put on this wig and pretend to be Dad. [holds up said wig]

Lisa: [disappointed] Ah. So I overestimated you.

Lori: I know the perfect person to play Dad.

[In the dining room, the kids have set up a practice interview. Lori comes in dressed as their dad.]

Lucy: [interviewing] So, Mr. Loud, why should we hire you?

Lori: [falsetto] Because I've literally mastered technology.

[Her siblings are impressed. Her phone rings and she answers it.]

Lori: Hi, Boo-Boo Bear. Carol said what? [notices her siblings] Can I get some privacy?

Laney: Guys! This is not gonna work! Dad does not wear earrings.

[Her siblings shake their heads no. Now Lincoln is playing as Lynn Sr.]

Lincoln: [falsetto] You should hire me because I'm responsible and mature. [strains and takes off the tie] This tie is strangling me! [tosses it] Oh, I'm sweating in this suit! These pants are giving me a rash! [strips down to his underwear much to his sisters' disgust.] Ah. Now, where were we?

[He rocks back a bit and falls over. His sisters shake their heads in disapproval. Now Luan is playing Lynn Sr.]

Luan: [falsetto] Lynn Loud Sr. Pleased to meet you. [shakes hands with and shocks Lucy, meaning she had a joy buzzer in the palm of her hand.] What's the buzz around here? [laughs] Get it?

[Her siblings minus Lucy shake their heads again. Now Laney is playing as Lynn Sr.]

Laney: [Falsetto] Howdy, friend. The name's Lynn Loud Sr. I'm just an average joe trying to get around to care for my 11 lovely children. [Her siblings look at her quizzicaly; normal] You're not buying this are you? [Her siblings shake their heads in dissaproval] Yeah, me neither. [Takes off the costume]

Lana: Who are we kidding? None of us can pull this off.

Laney: Yeah. Besides, we need someone as middle aged as Dad.

Lincoln: She's right, guys. But who do we know that can make a convincing dad?

Mr. Grouse: [from outside; mockingly] Ooh, look at me! I'm Lynn Loud Sr.! I can leave my trash bins out as long as I want!

[The kids overhear this and rush outside to Mr. Grouse who is kicking their trash cans.]

Lincoln: Mr. Grouse, could you do us a small favor?

Mr. Grouse: Hard pass.

Lincoln: Wait, would a tray of my Dad's lasagna change your mind?

Mr. Grouse: No. But two would. [chuckles]

[The lasagna is ready.]

Mr. Grouse: Mmm-mmm! [gets ready to dig in but sees the kids watching him.] I'd like to be alone with my lasagna.

Lincoln: These are for later, Mr. Grouse. First, we need to get you trained so you'll fit into the world of IT.

Mr. Grouse: Ah, you kids and your fancy abbreviations. In my day, we just said 'It'.

Laney: No, Mr. Grouse. IT stands for "Information Technology".

Mr. Grouse: Eh?

Lynn: Okay, Mr. Grouse, here's a laptop. [puts it on the table] Boot it up.

Mr. Grouse: [holds up a shoe] Will you settle for a penny loafer? [hits the laptop with it]

Lynn: [blows whistle] No, no! Not like that! Like this. [turns it on with the push of a button.]

Luan: Okay, now open a window.

Mr. Grouse: [confused] Eh...alright. [gets up, opens the blinds and opens a window in his house.]

Luan: [laughs] Good one. But wrong. [sits him down and opens a window on the laptop.] Like this.

Lisa: Now you need to empty the trash on your computer.

Mr. Grouse: Eh, whatever you say. [picks up a wastebasket and dumps garbage all over the keyboard, much to the kids' chagrin.]

Lisa: Yeah, I walked right into that one.

[A montage begins with the kids showing Mr. Grouse how to use a computer. Lincoln shows him the basic designs. Lana holds up Bitey, a real mouse, and a computer mouse. Mr. Grouse chooses the computer mouse. Lana nods meaning he's correct. Luna holds up a musical keyboard and a computer keyboard. Mr. Grouse chooses the computer keyboard. Luna nods. Lisa holds up a microchip and a tortilla chip. Mr. Grouse chooses the microchip. Lisa nods and eats the tortilla chip. End montage. Enter Luna dressed as an IT customer.]

Luna: Yo, IT dude! [Luna catches herself] I mean, how are you, sir? My computer's acting totally bogus- [realizes] I-I mean, broken. So, yeah, can you fix it?

Mr. Grouse: Well, let's see. [checks the laptop] Have you rebooted? [Luna nods] Have you checked your Wi-Fi connection? [Luna nods] Uh...ah, it's clear as daylight. You need to update your drivers. [updates them]

Lincoln: I think he's ready.

Lynn: Almost. [holds up the Lynn Sr. wig]

[Later, the kids are waiting for Mr. Grouse to get back from the interview.]

Lori: [checks the clock on her phone] It's been three hours. Where is he?

Lisa: [checking something] Passing the Cluverius residence, about to make a right onto Franklin.

[It's shown that is the exact coordinate that he is on.]

Lana: How'd you know that?

Lisa: [innocently] Just a wild guess.

[Mr. Grouse parks, gets out of his car, and takes the wig off with a disappointed look on his face.]

Mr. Grouse: [apologetically] Oh, sorry, kids. [the kids look upset, but...] Psych! I got the job! [the kids cheer and proudly surround him.] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with two hot dishes. [the kids look confused] Of lasagna, for Pete's sake! [the kids cheer up]

[The next morning, Lynn Sr. gets up and goes to Vanzilla to go to work, but his kids open the door from the inside, surprising him and making him spill his coffee on his shirt.]

Loud Kids: GOOD MORNING, DAD!

Lynn Sr.: Dang it! What's going on, kids?

Lincoln: Get in! We're driving you to work.

Lynn Sr.: Uh...okay. [gets in shotgun] But there's something I have to tell you. I have a new job now.

Luna: Yes, you do. [fist bumps the twins at the same time.]

[Lynn Sr. shrugs and Lori puts Vanzilla in gear, making Lynn Sr. spill his coffee again.]

Lynn Sr.: Dang it!

Laney: Here, let me clean that up for you.

[They arrive at their dad's new office.]

Lynn Sr.: [confused] Wait. This isn't the Aloha Comrade.

Lori: We know! Say hello to your new office.

Lucy: We felt bad about getting you fired from your old IT job, so we got you a new one.

Lynn Sr.: Uh, guys. You didn't get me fired from my old job. I quit.

[The kids are surprised]

Laney: You weren't fired?

Lola: Why? So you could wish icky dishes?

Lynn Sr.: Mmm, not exactly. I'm training to become a chef, my dream job! And washing dishes is how you start. I didn't wanna tell you guys until I passed my training period.

Loud Kids: [embarrassed] Oh...

Laney: We messed up again, didn't we?

Lisa: It's the colonoscopy all over again.

Lynn Sr.: [understanding] It-it's okay, kids. You meant well. And now that you know, you can just take me back to the restaurant.

Lincoln: [nervously] Uh, we kind of already quit for you.

Laney: Actually, Lola did.

[Flashback to the previous night. Lola is taking to the restaurant owner over the phone in a rather enraged manner.]

Lola: [shouting] YOU LISTEN TO ME, BUB! NO ONE MAKES MY DADDY WASH DISHES! HE'S DONE WITH YOUR STINKY JOB IN YOUR STINKY RESTAURANT! AND ANOTHER THING-

[Lola takes a deep breath, and yells out something so horrific over the phone, that it's obscured by the loud whirring of a hair dryer Leni is using. End flashback, and Lynn Sr. is horrified at what he has been told.]

Lynn Sr.: [distraught] Oh, dear.

Lincoln: [gets an idea] Don't worry, Dad. We'll talk your boss into rehiring you.

[The sisters agree in doing so.]

Luna: PUNCH IT, LORI!

[Before Lori can put her foot on the accelerator.]

Lynn Sr.: Wait! [chugs down his coffee and signals Lori to drive which she does; after swallowing his coffee.] Ooh, that was hot!

[Vanzilla arrives at the Aloha Comrade. Inside, the chef is struggling to get an order ready.]

Sergei: Oh, no! This is my last clean plate! [puts the order on it]

[The Louds enter the kitchen]

Lincoln: Sir, please give our dad his job back. This was all a misunderstanding.

Sergei: [furious] What is there to misunderstanding? First, I get the rudest call of my life. Then I have no one to help with the breakfast rush. So, my answer is nyet! [No]

Leni: [cheerful] YAY!

Lisa: Nyet means "no".

Leni: [downtrodden] Aw...

Lynn: Please don't punish our dad. This was our fault.

Lori: Yeah. We're always messing up.

Lincoln: All we do is make his life worse.

Lynn Sr.: Whoa, whoa, kids, what are you talking about? You make my life better everyday. This is just a job. Don't worry. I can find another one.

[The kids smile and hug their dad; Sergei gets tears in his eyes, touched by their love.]

Sergei: I can't say nyet to a man with such a nice family. You got your job back.

Louds: YAY!

Lola: YES! MY DADDY'S GONNA WISH THE DISHES!

[The words "dishes" start echoing in Sergei's mind, for he recognizes that voice.]

Sergei: [terrified] Ah! You! [leaps in fear onto a dish and catapults onto a pile of dirty ones.] Ooh! Ow, my cooking arm.

Lynn Sr.: Chef Sergei!

Lisa: [checks the arm] Hmm. Appears to be a hairline fracture. You'll need to keep that immobilized for at least three weeks.

[The kids help Sergei up.]

Sergei: I'm sorry, Lynn. I know I just gave you job back, but I'm going to have to shut down for a while.

[Lynn Sr. sighs with despair.]

Lincoln: [notices the dirty dishes and gets an idea.] Maybe not!

[Lynn Sr. and the kids are working in the kitchen while Sergei rests his arm. Enter Leni as a waitress.]

Leni: OMGosh, you guys! The dining room is packed!

Lori: [dressed as a waitress as well] Everyone loves Dad's Kona caviar breakfast sandwiches.

Sergei: [enjoying a sandwich himself] Mmm. Lynn, you don't need to train to be a chef. You already are one! Forget about the dish washing. I'm making you my co-chef.

[Lynn Sr. smiles with joy and the kids cheer.]

Sergei: [takes Lynn Sr.'s arm] Come with me. I want the customers to know who made this delicious meal.

Lola: [notices something on the table] Ooh! Sergei didn't finish his breakfast sandwich!

Loud Kids: DIBS!

[They all lunge at the sandwich in a freeze frame.]

[Meanwhile, at the new office, Mr. Grouse, wearing the Lynn Sr. wig, is helping a customer with his computer.]

Mr. Grouse: There you go. All fixed.

Customer: Uh, great. Thanks. Could you log out for me?

Mr. Grouse: Sure. [grabs a wooden log and bashes the computer with it.] Good thing I brought a log.


	70. Garage Banned

**Garage Banned**

[Morning. Lori is sound asleep in her bed when someone's boot kicks her in the face and wakes her up.]

Lori: What? Who is that? [sniffs] Oh, Lana. [pulls the cover revealing the tomboyish twin.] Let me guess, Another bad dream?

[Lana snores, tosses and turns, and unknowingly kicks Lori off her bed. Enter Lola with a serious case of bedhead.]

Lola: Lori, can you get my tangles out?

[Walt appears in her hair and flies away. Lola gives Lori a brush and Lori starts brushing.]

Lola: Ow! Not like a gorilla! [hears Lori's phone ringing and answers it.] She'll call you back, Boo-Boo Bear. [hangs up]

Lori: [angry] Lola!

[The phone rings again and Lola struggles to keep the phone away from Lori, but Lori easily overtakes her and answers her phone.]

Lori: Hi, Boo-Boo Bear. Sorry about that.

[Leni exits the closet]

Leni: Lori, does this outfit clash with my toenail color?

Lori: It's fine. [back on the phone] So, Bobby, how was your night? [Laney comes in wearing a faux fur coat]

Laney: Lori, I was playing dressup but the zipper on this coat is stuck. Can you help me?

Lori: In a moment, Laney. Can't you see I'm busy.

[Enter Lucy and Lynn with the former beating up the latter.]

Lynn: Let go of me!

Lucy: Oh, my beloved!

Lynn: Let go of me!

[Their fight knocks Lori's phone out of her hand.]

Lori: Guys, what are you doing?

Lucy: Lynn broke Edwin's fang. [holds up Edwin revealing his shattered teeth.] Tell her she has to pay for his dental work.

Lynn: He's a statue! The only thing I'm paying for is you getting your brain checked!

[Enter Lisa]

Lisa: If you give me ten minutes, I can warm up my MRI machine.

[Enter Luan]

Luan: Or, we could just give her a CAT scan! [holds up Cliff on the punchline and laughs.] Get it?

Lori: EVERYBODY, OUT! I'm trying to talk to Bobby! [her sisters leave and she sighs heavily.] Finally.

Leni: Real quick. Is this outfit cuter?

Lori: [exasperated] Leni, it's literally the same outfit.

[Leni scoots out of the room and Lori picks up her phone.]

Lori: Ah. Where were we, Boo-Boo Bear? Did you dream about me last night?

[Enter Mr. Coconuts]

Luan: [as Mr. Coconuts] Sure did, toots! We were smooching. And you were loving it. [makes Mr. Coconuts kiss Lori while making smooching sounds.]

Lori: AH! Luan! Get out of here!

[Luan runs out laughing and Lori growls viciously.]

Bobby: Babe, what was that growl? Is there a gorilla in there?

[Lori looks irritated]

[Later, Lori is having a meeting with her siblings.]

Lori: Guys, we have to talk. I am literally almost an adult. I can't live like this anymore.

Lynn: So, you're finally gonna see a doctor about your flatulence problem?

Lori: [offended] What? I don't have a flatulence problem! I'm talking about living in this house. I can't even have an uninterrupted conversation with Bobby or sleep through the night without getting kicked in the face.

Lana: Aren't you kind of exaggerating? [Lori shows a shoe mark on her face proving that she's not exaggerating.] Oh.

Lori: So, I talked to Mom and Dad and they said it was okay for me to move into the garage.

[Her siblings gasp]

Lola: You can't leave! We need you!

Lori: You'll be fine. Laney can handle everything. Right Laney.

Laney: [nervous] Uh.. Yeah of course...

Lori: Besides, I'll be right by the house if you need anything.

[Everyone is moving all of Lori's stuff into the garage.]

Leni: Oh, Lori, you're so lucky you get your own room.

[Lana comes out of a hole in the wall now with a toilet installed.]

Lana: Bathroom's all set. Go easy on her at first. No heavy meals.

Rita: Oh, I can't believe it. Our first little bird is leaving the nest.

Lynn Sr.: I said I wouldn't cry... [he says as he breaks down into tears.]

Lori: You guys, I'm only 20 feet from the house, and you can visit anytime you want. But call first. [shoves her parents out of the garage and finds her siblings still in there.]

Lincoln: Parents. Am I right? So, what are we doing tonight?

[Lori shoves her siblings out of the garage.]

Lori: I'll see you tomorrow. [closes the door. Laney looks at the garage as the siblings head back in the house]

Laney: Do you think Lori will be okay on her own?

Lincoln: Of course she will, Laney. Just like you'll be okay helping everyone around house.

Laney: But I never help sibling issues full time! Lori and I usually split the work.

Lincoln: You'll be fine. We all will. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?

[Time-skip to the next day, Laney was busy untanling Lola's hair]

Lola: Ow! Ow! Quit tugging!

Laney: Sorry, this darn comb is stuck.

Lisa: Fear not, siblings! As it happens, I've been working on a new detangling formula. [sprays it in Lola's hair which cause it all to fall off and leave her bald.]

 **POOF!**

Laney: [frightened at the sight of it] Ahh!

Lola: [frantic] MY HAIR! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Lisa: You should have specified that you wanted to keep it. On a related note, may I keep it?

Laney: No you will not keep it! Hold on, I can still fix this! Uhh... [Laney picks up pieces of the fallen hair and places it back on Lola's head, but it all slumps back down to the floor]

Lola: AGH! This never would have happened if Lori was here!

[As she storms off, Lisa takes some of her sister's hair. Later, Laney was in her room trying to solve a dispute between Lynn and Lucy]

Lynn: I'm still not apologizing for breaking your stupid bust!

Lucy: How dare you call my Edwin a bust!

Laney: Hold on, now. Uh. Lynn? did you know where that piece of Edwin's fang was when you broke it?

Lynn: How should I know? It was an accident. If anything Lucy should apologize to me!

Lucy: Me? Apologize?

Lynn: Apology accepted.

Lucy: That's it! [Lucy tackles Lynn to the ground and they start fighting again]

Laney: How did this even get out of control... [Laney slinks down to the floor.]

Later that night, after all the disputing were put to rest. Laney was having a hard time sleeping after spending the whole day trying to settle said disputes. She wasn't used to solving sibling problems as big as this, not on her own at least. Out of all the sibling who miss her, Laney was the one most upset.

Laney: [sighs] Everyone was right, this would be easier if Lori was here... [Laney got up and went outside to the backyard. She stops as she looks at the garage.] I know I shouldn't bother her, because she's old enough to make her own descicions. But maybe I can ask her for advice...

[Inside the garage, Lori was shaking in fear while holding a rake. She then heard the door opening]

Lori: AHH! [Hides behind the chair] DON'T EAT ME!

[Enter Laney]

Laney: Lori?

Lori: L-L-L-Laney? What are you doing here?

Laney: I came here to see how you are doing.

Lori: Well... I... uh... just doing fine here, Laney. [She heard a creak] AHH! [Hides back behind the chair, Laney looks at her suspiciously]

Laney: Lori? [Lori looks at her and sighs]

Lori: Look. You can keep a secret, right?

Laney: Is this about your bad gas? Because I heard there's a medicine for that.

Lori: Not that! [sighs] I... don't think I like being on my own in here.

Laney: You don't? [perks up] That's great! You can tell the others and you can move back in! [Grabs Lori's hand and heads back in the house but Lori stops her]

Lori: Are you nuts?! I can't go back! I made such a big deal about wanting to be on my own. If I came crawling back now, they'd never let me live it down.

Laney: Well, what else can we do? It's not like you can give them a reason to move back in. [Lori gets an Idea]

Lori: Or can I? Here's the plan. [Lori whispers the plan into Laney's ear and she smiles. The next day, Lori gets some mice from the pet store and puts them on the floor.] Okay, guys, scatter!

[The mice do as instructed and Lori gets on her chair]

Lori: Ahem. [screams] HELP!

[Lincoln, Luna, Lana, Lola (who is now wearing a wig from Lisa's experiment), Lisa and their dad run in.]

Lynn Sr.: What's wrong?

Laney: [feigning] Oh, no! This garage is infested with mice.

Lori: [feigning] Whatever shall I do?

Lynn Sr.: Oh, honey, I'm sure you're- [sees the mice scurrying and hops up with Lori in fear.] -MOVING BACK INTO THE HOUSE! THIS PLACE IS A HORROR SHOW!

Lori: Oh, and I love it here so much. But if you say so. [starts packing]

Lisa: I have a better solution: my new ultrasonic mousetrap. [holds out the invention and activates it, sending hypnotic waves which control the mice into going in.] It works due to the simple-minded nature of the mice. [sees Leni until the power.] Not you, Leni! [deactivates it] Problem solved. And it's a win-win. I get new research subjects, and you get your beloved abode back.

Lori: [irately grateful] Great.

[Everyone leaves except Lynn Sr. who's still cowering.]

Lori: Dad, the mice are gone.

Lynn Sr.: [puts on a confident face.] Uh, yes, well, glad I could help. [leaves]

[Lori looks on annoyed.]

Laney: Sorry, Lori. I forgot to count that we have a genius sister. So now what? [Lori thinks for a moment and then she gets another idea.]

Lori: Ah ha!

[The garage toilet springs a leak]

Lori: Ahem. HELP! I'VE GOT A LEAK!

[Lynn Sr., Rita, and Lana rush in and see it. Rita: Uh-uh. This is bad. You can't stay out here.

Lori: [feigning despair] No! [casually] You're probably right. [Lori winks at Laney who is revealed to be the one that she cause the leak by loosening the pipes and hides the wrench before anyone notices]

Lana: Don't worry, sis. I've got this. [blows a whistle] BUCKET BRIGADE! Come on Laney you too.

Laney: Uhh... [Lana gives Laney a bucket and pushes her]

Lana: GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

[Lynn passes a filled bucket to Lola who passes it to Lisa who passes it to Lucy who passes it to Lincoln who passes it to Luan who passes it to Luna who passes it to Laney who passes it to Leni who pours it out and Lana fixes the toilet.]

Lana: I replaced the PVC with galvanized steel, so she should definitely hold now.

Lori: [lividly thankful] Great. [The siblings leave but Laney stood]

Laney: Sorry, Lori. I also forgot to count Lana's experince in plumbing.

Lori: No worries, Laney. I got another idea.

[In the living room, the kids are doing their things when Lori comes in.]

Lori: You guys, help! I think the garage is haunted! [shows them a message on her mirror that reads "GET OUT!"] See?

Lucy: "GET OUT!" Hmm...

[Lori notices a lipstick dispenser which reveals she used it to write the message on the mirror and kicks it under her dresser with no one noticing.]

Lucy: [cracks knuckles] Let me do my thing. [performs a séance] Oh, spirit, speak to me. Hmm... [claps and turns the lights on] The ghost just explained everything.

Laney: Wait you mean there's actually a ghost here?! [Lori covers her mouth]

Lori: Well of course there's a ghost. And, clearly, he wants me to leave. [grabs her luggage]

Lucy: Actually, he said you can stay. He's leaving. Something about yoga farts.

Lori: [offended] Okay, that was the floorboards! [sees her siblings leave and lays on her bed. Laney walks up to her] Let me guess, you forgot that Lucy can speak to the dead? [Laney nods, she sighs] Just go. [Laney leaves]

[Back in the house in the living room, Luna is strumming her guitar and Lincoln is reading a comic and Laney was watching tv downtrodden]

Luan: Dang it, Luna! Your fog machine warped Mr. Coconuts' head! [shows her dummy's disfigured head]

Luna: Can't prove it, dude!

Luan: Lincoln, tell her she has to pay to get him fixed!

Lincoln: Um...okay. Luna, I think Luan has a point. You should pay up.

Luna: [shaking her fist threateningly] You wanna think again, brah?

Lincoln: Yes, I do. Luan, I think you should accept that fog machines are a part of life.

Luan: [as the facially disfigured Mr. Coconuts.] I wouldn't be too hasty, Slick! My cousin's a baseball bat!

Lincoln: [dismayed] I wish Lori was here. She always has the right solution.

Laney: [despondent] She sure would...

[Later, Lori and Luan are washing the dishes.]

Luan: Well, all done. I'd love to hang out and dish, but I'm sure you wanna go back to your place now.

[Lori still waits, realizes, and looks at her watch.]

Lori: Uh, first, I should say goodnight to everyone. [runs into the living room to her other siblings.] Goodnight, Leni. Goodnight, Luna. Goodnight, Lynn. Goodnight, Lincoln.

Lola: Move! You're blocking the TV!

Lori: Pfft. Well, now I'm gonna have to start over. Goodnight, Leni. Goodnight, Luna. Goodnight, Lynn.

[A crash is heard]

Lori: [gasps] What was that?

[The kids rush outside to see that Mr. Grouse ruined Lori's plan.]

Mr. Grouse: Dang it! I put her in reverse by mistake and knocked down the wrong garage! Can I still have your dad's lasagna?

Lincoln: [suspicious] Knocked down the wrong garage?

Luna: Dad's lasagna?

Laney: Lori, what's going on?

Luan: Yeah, you've got a ricotta explaining to do! [laughs] Get it?

[They all angrily squint at Lori.]

Lori: [nervous] Heh, heh. Well, I kind of maybe paid Mr. Grouse to wreck the garage so I wouldn't have to live there.

[Her siblings, sans Laney, altogether question why Lori would do such a thing.]

Laney: Lori and I tried to come up with excuses to move back into the house.

Lincoln: Wait, you were in on this? But why

Lori: I thought all I wanted was to be away from you guys. But I only ended up missing you. I was just too embarrassed to admit it.

[Her siblings all show consolation and gratitude to her missing them and they all hug.]

Mr. Grouse: Nice reunion, Louds! But what about my garage?

Lana: [gives him a business card] Call me. I'll give you a quote.

[Mr. Grouse looks annoyed.]

[Later that night in the Loud House.]

Bobby: So, it turns out it wasn't a moldy marshmallow or a mouse. It was a chincilla. I named it "Lori".

Lori: [touched] Oh, Boo-Boo Bear, that's so sweet. [slightly offended] Wait. Is that like a rat?

Leni: [opens the closet door and poses] Lori, what do you think?

Lori: Love. You literally look like a model.

[Leni looks flattered. Lana runs in with boots covered in mud.]

Lana: Lori, can I sleep in your bed?

Lori: Of course. [notices the boots] Boots off.

[Lana kicks the boots off and gets on Lori's bed. Enter Lincoln and Lisa.]

Lincoln: Lori, tell Lisa she can't harvest my kidney!

Lisa: Tell Lincoln he only requires one! [breaks out a sleep mask.] Now let's do this!

[They fight over the fate of Lincoln's kidney.]

Lori: Lisa, you took his appendix. Don't be greedy.

Luan: Yeah, Lisa. Have a heart, but just not mine. [laughs] Get it?

[Enter Laney]

Laney: Lori, can you help me with my jacket?

Lori: Certainly. [Lori fixes the stuck zipper]

Laney: Great to have you back, Lori.

Lori: Great to be back.

[Enter Lola with her hair all tangled up again.]

Lola: Lori, can you detangle?

Lori: [holding a hairbrush] You got it. [sighs] I really missed all of this.

[The minute she brushes Lola's wig, it comes off and Lori screams in shock at the sight of it.]


	71. Change of Heart

**Change of Heart**

[Laney and Lincoln were sharing books in the dining room. Lincoln was having some carrot sticks. He vaccumes one in his mouth right when doorbell rings.]

Lori: [on the phone] Whitney, wait till you see my new shoes. They will literally blow your mind!

[She opens the door and it turns out to be Clyde who is struck by her beauty.]

Clyde: [nervously infatuated] L-L-Lori? [gets a nosebleed which spills on Lori's shoes, making her scream so loud the crows fly away, and faints.]

Lori: [aggravated] Ugh. Never mind, Whitney. [hangs up]

Laney: I'll clean that up for you. [Grabs a cloth and starts wiping the blood off Lori's shoe]

Lori: Lincoln, this is the fourth pair of shoes Clyde's ruined this month!

[Series of flashbacks of all the other pairs Clyde ruined. First, Lincoln and Clyde are reading comics in his room. Enter Lori with the luandry basket.]

Lori: Lincoln, do you have any laundry?

Clyde: [sees Lori] L-L-Lori? [nosebleeds and gets her shoes ruined, making her scream.]

[Next, the boys are looking in the fridge for a snack and take out a dish with Lori right behind them.]

Lori: Hey, you'd better not eat all the leftover gazpacho.

Clyde: [nervous] L-L-Lori? [starts acting like a robot] SYSTEM OVERLOAD. DOES NOT COMPUTE. SYSTEM OVERLOAD. DOES NOT COMPUTE. SYSTEM SHUTTING...DOWN...

[His shut down knocks the gazpacho out of Lincoln's hand and lands on Lori's shoes.]

Lori: GAH!

[Now, Lori is in Vanzilla.]

Lori: Mom, Dad, I'm off to practice! [notices Clyde in there for some reason; startled.] Clyde?! What are you even doing here?

Clyde: [shaking] L-L-Lori?

[His nose blood squirts right onto her shoes. Lori just bangs her head on the steering wheel's horn. End flashbacks as they put Clyde on the chair.]

Lincoln: Maybe you should try wearing red shoes. [sees Lori growling at him; scared.] Right. Bad idea, Lincoln.

Lori: [calm] Ugh. I just wish Clyde could act normal around me. [leaves]

Clyde: [comes to] So do I, my sweet angel. So do I. [opens a locket of a picture of a startled Lori.] But how am I supposed to act normal around such a beautiful, flawless... [starts nosebleeding again. Lincoln shoves carrot sticks up his friend's nose.]

Laney: Clyde, have you tried taking deep breaths when looking at Lori? That's what I do when I'm nervous around someone. Now, pretend I'm Lori.

Clyde: Okay. [His nose starts bleeding again]

Laney: Yeah, this isn't gonna work.

Lincoln: Don't worry, buddy. We'll figure something out.

Mr. Grouse: [from outside; talking to Leni] Dang blast it! Eberhardt's dog went number two on my lawn again!

Leni: Try doing what I do, Mr. Grouse. I'll name all 40 states, and by the time I'm done, I've forgotten why I was mad.

Mr. Grouse: Well, actually, it's 48. But I'll give it a try. [starts naming them in alphabetical order] Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California...

[Lincoln had watched it from the window.]

Lincoln: Actually, Clyde, I may know someone who can help you!

[Cut to Leni in the living room.]

Leni: Sure! What do you need my help with?

Clyde: [stammering] L-L-L-L...

Leni: Lemons?

Clyde: L-L-L-L...

Leni: Leggings?

Clyde: L-L-L-L-L...

Leni: Of course! Loofahs! Well, first of all, natural fibers are the way to go.

Lincoln: He's talking about Lori.

Leni: Oh. She doesn't use a loofah. [whispering] That's why she has bacne.

[Lincoln facepalms]

Laney: No, Leni. He needs your help on how to talk to Lori.

Clyde: I want to learn how to act normal around her, or at least just stop bleeding on her shoes.

Leni: Have you tried shoving carrot sticks up your nose?

Clyde: Yes! And bread sticks, and pretzel rods, and corn dogs, which you really need to let cool down first.

Leni: Well, no worries. I know other ways to help you. [takes Clyde. Laney follows them]

[In the kitchen]

Clyde: I wonder where Laney is? Isn't she gonna help too?

Laney: [Offscreen] Here I am! [Clyde and Leni look to see that Laney is wearing a sweater vest, fake glasses with no lens, like a therapist. She is also holding a pen and a notebook.]

Clyde: Wow, Laney. You kinda look like Dr. Lopez.

Laney: Well, I always fancied of being a therapist due to my deep understanding of people's problems. There hasn't been a patient I couldn't cure. Well, that's what I think. I never rellay had a real patient before. But, now that I have you as a patient Clyde. This will be my greatest challenge yet. Now let's begin. [As she speaks, Laney pulls out a chair and looks at the two accross her. Meanwhile, Lori peeks her head from the second floor and sees Lincoln playing video games.]

Lori: Lincoln, is Clyde still here? This is literally my last pair of wearable shoes.

Lincoln: Don't worry about Clyde. He's hanging out with Leni and Laney.

Lori: Really?

[From the kitchen, Leni and Clyde are laughing. Lori peeks in to see it.]

Clyde: Oh, Leni.

Lori's Thoughts: Leni and Clyde? That's...weird.

[Later in the basement]

Laney: Okay, Clyde. The next step to fixing your problem is explanation. Can you tell us what happens when you see Lori.

Clyde: Well...

[Meanwhile in the backyard, Lori is practicing her golf swing.]

Lori: [narrating to herself] If Lori Loud can sink this four-footer, she'll literally win the Masters.

Lynn: Heads up!

[A frisbee comes by and Lori ducks and swings. Lana and Lynn laugh and chase after their disc. The golf ball lands right next to the cellar window.]

Clyde: [inside the basement] And if I don't get a nosebleed, I'm usually doing this. [does his robot impression] SYSTEM OVERLOAD. DOES NOT COMPUTE. [mimics power down]

[Lori witnesses it]

Lori's Thoughts: _Hmm...I only thought Clyde acted like an awkward robot around me._

[The frisbee hits Lori]

Lori: Oof! [falls into a hole]

Lucy: [holding a shovel] Do you mind? This grave is spoken for.

[Lana notices what happened and sheepishly leaves.]

Laney: Excellent, Clyde. we are really making good progress. Now that we know the problem we can get started on how are we going to fix this. Let's go back into the kitchen and we can give you some tips on how act normal.

Clyde: Okay.

Lori: [on her phone] Carol did what? Hang on, Whitney. I literally need chips for this story.

[Leni, Laney, and Clyde are in the kitchen.]

Leni: So, when somebody makes me nervous, I just stare at their left air and recite my ABC's.

Clyde: Got it! Great tip. [writes it down]

Laney: And if that doesn't work, try not thinking about Lori too much. I do believe that is the root of your problem.

Clyde: Got it. [Writes it down]

Lynn: [from outside] Heads up!

[The frisbee flies into the kitchen and hits Clyde in the nose.]

Clyde: Ow! [starts bleeding from his nostrils and covers it up.]

[Lori enters giggling and sees them and hides.]

Leni: [with blood on her shoes] My shoes!

Laney: Lynn! Please watch where your throwing this next time, okay? [picks up the frisbee and throws it back]

Lynn: [from outside] Sorry!

Laney: Here, let me clean that up for you.

[Lori had seen it]

Lori's Thoughts: _Laney used to clean up Clyde's blood off my shoes. [Lori gasps] This can only mean one thing: Clyde likes Leni!_

Lori: [jubilant] I'm free! I'm free! [gasps with joy and runs to Vanzilla.] Oh, I am going shoe shopping! [drives off]

[Later, Lori returns with new shoes. Leni gets a call and answers.]

Leni: Oh, hi, Clyde. What a nice surprise.

Lori's Thoughts: _Oh, poor Leni. I wouldn't wanna be in her shoes. Literally. Ooh! Lori, that was good._

Leni: Thanks for the shoe cleaning supplies. It was totes sweet of you. You're the most thoughtful person I've ever met, Clyde.

[Lori looks at some gifts Clyde gave her in the past.]

Lori's Thoughts: Well, I will give him that. He is pretty thoughtful.

[A series of flashbacks of her receiving those gifts is shown. First, there's a telescope with a note on it and she reads it.]

Lori's Thoughts: " ** _Congratulations. A new star has been named after you: Corona Lori-alis._** "

[Lori looks into the telescope and an arrow points to the star in question. Clyde falls out.]

Clyde: Whoa! [thuds] Oof!

[Next flashback takes place in winter where Clyde has made a literal snow angel that looks like Lori, but Charles runs up to it to pee on it.]

Clyde: Charles, no! Not on my snow angel!

[The next flashback shows Lori coming home defeated in a golf game. She finds a teddy bear on the steps and reads the note on it.]

 ** _You may have lost your golf tournament, but you'll never lose my heart._**

[Lori presses the bear]

Teddy Bear: I love you fur-ever.

[Lori doesn't like it very much. End flashbacks. She presses the bear again.]

Teddy Bear: I love you fur-ev... [breaks down] ...er... [pops an eye]

Lori's Thoughts: [gasps] _What am I thinking? I have to get Clyde back!_

[Downstairs, Lincoln, Clyde, Laney, and Leni are all playing video games together. Enter Lori with a pitcher.]

Lori: Oh, hey, guys. Just wondered if anyone wanted some lemonade.

[Her very presence puts Clyde in a paranoid state as he tries to act normal.]

Lori: [confused] Clyde?

Lincoln: Ooh! I'll take some!

Lori: [angrily] Get your own. [tosses glass aside]

[Clyde relaxes]

Leni: Great job, Clyde. You were in the same room as Lori and no nosebleed.

Clyde: Yeah. Your ABC's trick really worked.

Leni: It always does...unless you have to go past the letter P 'cause then it gets really hard.

Laney: Now it's on to step two: eye contact.

[The sun is blazing, but Lori is wearing a wintery scarf.]

Lori: Brr! Boy it is chilly today. So glad I have this cozy scarf Clyde made me.

Lincoln: It's 85 degrees, and you're sweating.

Lori: [growls like a lion at Lincoln; sweetly to Clyde.] Clyde, wherever did you learn to be such a great knitter?

[Clyde stares at Lori, holds his breath, and runs back inside.]

Leni: It worked?

Clyde: [exhales] Yup. I just held my breath, like you said.

Laney: Yes! I've never been so close to figuring you out! Now it's time for the final step: confrontation. But first, let's go to a more familiar enviroment.

Clyde: Alright. Just give me a moment. [hyperventilates into his paper bag.]

[Clyde's house]

Laney: Ready, Clyde?

Clyde: [petrified] Okay, I'm ready. Let's do this!

Laney: Alright! Commence simulation. [Lincoln gives her a thumbs up and knocks on a support beam]

Lincoln: [Acting] Oh, someone's at the door. Who could it be? Why, it's my eldest sister, Lori.

[Enter Leni dressed like Lori]

Leni: [Lori impression] OMG. Bobby, texting, literally.

[Unbeknownst to them, the real Lori is coming over with a comic.]

Lori's Thoughts _: Clyde can ignore the lemonade and the scarf, but this limited edition Ace Savvy comic will definitely do the trick._

Clyde: [shaking] H-h-h-hi, Lori. H-h-h-how's it going?

Laney: That was great!

Leni: Super job, Clyde!

Lincoln: Yeah! You sounded totally natural!

Clyde: Thanks. [shows an ice pack under his shirt] The ice pack was a great idea. [removes it] It really kept me distracted; though I can't feel my bellybutton.

[Lori approaches the door]

Leni: This has been totes fun. You're such a great guy, Clyde.

Clyde: Thanks, Leni. And may I say, you've never looked more beautiful.

Leni: Oh, Clyde! [giggles]

Lori: [tosses the comic and growls] That does it!

[Back at Clyde's house, Clyde steps out with confidence.]

Laney: Clyde. I'm proud to say that you're finally cured.

Clyde: All of my thanks go to Leni. Her advice really worked.

Leni: Why, thank you Clyde. Now. You ready to go have a normal conversation with Lori?

Clyde: You know it! [holds up a fish from his shirt] I just hope this frozen salmon takes longer to melt than that ice pack did.

[Clyde salutes to his trainer. She and her brother give him a thumbsup and he makes his way to Lori. Lori steps out of the bathroom and sighs. Clyde is being followed by a pack of cats who smell the salmon.]

Clyde: [nervous] Nice kitties.

[He sheepishly smiles and runs screaming with the cats in pursuit. Lori descends the stairs and Clyde approaches the door. Lori opens it and sees Clyde standing on the step.]

Lori: Clyde! I was just on my way to see you. There's something I really wanted to tell you. First, I wanted to apologize for never appreciating how kind and thoughtful you are. And second, I wanna thank you for making me feel so good about myself all these years. You're a special guy, Clyde, and literally anyone would be lucky to be your crush.

[She hugs him, and this causes his nostrils to bleed all over her shoes, much to her fright. Lincoln and Laney catch their unconscious friend.]

Lincoln: Lori, what happened?

[They bring Clyde to the sofa.]

Lori: I don't know. I was just telling Clyde that I'm okay with him liking Leni now, and-

Lincoln: What are you talking about? He doesn't like Leni.

Lori: But I saw them in the kitchen. He got a nosebleed all over her shoes.

Laney: He got hit on the nose by Lynn's frisbee.

Lori: Well, why was he acting like a robot with her?

Lincoln: He was just showing her what happens when he's around you.

Lori: But I was just over at his house. I heard him say she was beautiful.

Lincoln: Because she was dressed like you!

Lori: What? Why were they doing all this?

Lincoln: Because Leni was helping Clyde learn to act normal around you, just like you wanted.

Laney: Yeah. And we were trying to help him.

Lori: So...he never stopped having a crush on me?

[Lincoln and Laney shake their heads no and Lori looks at Clyde with joy.]

Lori's Thoughts: _HA! I knew it!_

Lori: No you didn't!

Lincoln: [disturbed] Uh...who are you talking to?

Lori: No one.

[Enter Leni still in her Lori costume]

Leni: Oh, no! Poor Clyde.

[Clyde suddenly comes to and sees the real Lori and Leni in her costume.]

Clyde: [nervously infatuated] T-T-T-Two Lori's? [goes into robot mode] SYSTEM OVERLOAD. EE-OO. [starts bleeding and malfunctioning across Lori and Leni.] EE-OO-EE-OO-EE-OO.

Lori: [notices her shoes covered in blood, gasps, and smiles.] Hm. I'm glad the old Clyde is back.

Clyde: [still malfunctioning] EE-OO-EE-OO-EE-OO-EE-OO.

Laney: [runs outside] Wait! Clyde, come back! We can still make this work! I can squeeze you in for a five-o-clock appointment next tuesday! [sighs] My first real patient, and my last... [Clyde spins, scurries off and knocks over Mr. Grouse's trash cans while he's gardening]

Mr. Grouse: [irate] Why you lousy-hmm? [remembers what Leni told him] Ooh. Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas...


	72. Health Kicked

**Health Kicked**

Now, everyone knows that we should take care of our health with a daily regimen of excercise of healthy eating. But the dear parents of the Loud family don't swing that way. So it's time the kids do something about it.

[That night, in Lori and Leni's room, there's a sibling meeting and Lincoln is showing slides of their parents' lazy nature. Such slides include Rita eating cheese snacks while using Charles as a table, Lynn Sr. eating donuts from a treadmill, and both of them lazing on the sofa.]

Lincoln: So, as you can see from these images, Mom and Dad are seriously out of shape. Lisa?

Lisa: I concur. I've run some tests and concluded that our parental units have the urine of 80-year-olds. [holds out samples and switches to another.] Moving onto the results of my fecal study-

[The other sisters insistently decline that.]

Leni: What's a fecal study?

Laney: It seems odd that mom and dad told us to always be healthy. And they aren't even healthy themselves.

Lincoln: And that's why we are going to help them. If we want Mom and Dad to be around long enough to watch us grow up, we need to get them exercising.

[The sisters agree]

Lincoln: Okay then, Operation Get Mom And Dad Out Of The House And Into Shape is a go!

Leni: Uh, question. What kind of shape? A triangle, or more like a circle thingy?

[Everyone else just stares awkwardly at her.]

[The next morning]

Rita: Oh, it's sweet of you to be concerned, kids, but your father and I don't need exercise. We're in perfectly good shape. You ready, honey?

[Lynn Sr. is struggling to put on his sock without even budging from the sofa but can't.]

Lynn Sr.: [exhausted] Give me a minute. That took a lot out of me.

Rita: I'll go start the car. [drops the keys] Oh, dang it. [tries to reach them without bending over; tries picking them up with her purse's handle; fails in the end.]

Laney: Really?

Lincoln: Oh, come on, you guys! Look at yourselves!

Lynn Sr.: We would, son, but the mirror's all the way upstairs. [realizes] Oh. Okay, now I see your point.

Laney: Come on guys. There's no reason we can't have fun while getting in shape.

Leni: Ooh! How about a circle! That's fun. [They all stare at Leni]

[The family is outside with a rock climbing cliff.]

Lynn: My favorite exercise is rock climbing. It's a great way to get in shape and a total head rush. [chest bumps her dad who is in pain from the impact.] Hoo! Let's do this!

[She gets them climbing as they struggle to get up a few rocks.]

Lynn: [climbing rapidly past them] Lynn Loud! Lynn Loud! Lynn Loud! Lynn Loud! Yeah! [reaches the top] Come on, guys! Engage your core!

[The parents keep trying to climb but end up falling and screaming and ultimately get tangled up in their cables.]

Lynn Sr.: [panting] Are we in shape yet?

[The kids on the ground shake their heads.]

[Cut to a mud puddle with Lana packing in the mud.]

Lana: My favorite way to stay fit is mud wrestling!

Rita: [uneasy] W-w-wait. What?

[Lana tackles Rita and pins her in the mud.]

Lana: Take down, two points! [cracks her neck] Your turn, Dad!

[Lynn Sr. is hiding in Vanzilla not wanting to partake in the sport.]

Lincoln: I think we might need to take it down a notch.

[Lisa is showing her parents Tai Chi.]

Lisa: You'll find the ancient art of Tai Chi a more approachable way to exercise. This posture is called Calming the Waters of the Heart.

[Her parents mimic her moves.]

Lynn Sr.: Wow. I'm really feeling it. Honey, are you feeling all this? Whoa, man, I am centered! I am one with the universe! I am so-

Lisa: Did I mention that Tai Chi is both ancient and silent?

[Now it's Leni's turn to instruct an exercise.]

Leni: [inhales] Ah. Remember to breathe. Keep your knees bent, and really use those triceps.

[It's revealed that her exercise is folding t-shirts.]

Lynn Sr.: Oh, yeah. I'm feeling the burn!

Laney: I don't see how this is an exercise.

Leni: Of course it is. Do you know how much work it is to flip and fold laundry? [Laney rolls her eyes a that response]

[Now it was Laney's turn]

Laney: [takes a deep breath] Okay. Time to get serious.

Lynn Sr.: Laney, I'm not sure if I can do this.

Rita: Yes we can! We'll do this together!

Laney: All right let's go! [Zoom out to reveal Laney and her parents in 80's exercise outfits and started doing some dance moves in which her parents followed her. They did some twirls, jumps, squats, and disco. The parents were sweating by the time they were done.]

Rita: [pants] Wow! That was exhilrating! What do you call this?

Laney: It's a mixture of 80's dance moves and excercise videos. I feel that I'm better fit when I'm dancing.

Lynn Sr.: [Exhausted] Are we done?

Laney: No, that was just the first act. Second act! [Lynn Sr. faints]

[The twins are playing Double Dutch with Rita as the jumper.]

Lola and Lana: Rita Loud, jumped on a cloud! All her kids were super proud! How many cheers did Rita get? One, two, three...

[Now Luna is showing them a musical exercise with guitars.]

Luna: You ready to Luna-cise, dudes? Just follow me. One, two, three, four! [starts playing with her students.] Head bang! [They bang their heads] Windmill! [They whirl their arms around the string.] Air splits! [Luna leaps in the air with her legs up, but her dad bashes his guitar on the ground.]

Lynn Sr.: [energetic] Yeah! Ha ha!

Luna: Great form, Dad. But next time, wait for me to say "guitar smash".

[Lori is jogging with them.]

Lori: So, Whitney was like "I don't think highlights are right for you and I was like, "Ugh. I already bought the lemon juice", and so she goes-

Rita: [panting] I don't know how you can jog and talk so much, sweetie.

[A musical jingle starts playing]

Lynn Sr.: [catching the source of the sound.] Oh, the ice cream truck! [jogs towards it]

Lori: Dad, no!

Lana: I got this! [tackles her dad into a leaf pile.]

Lynn Sr.: Oof!

Lana: Take down, two points!

[Lynn Sr. spits the leaves out of his mouth.]

[Later, the family arrives home.]

Rita: [refreshed] You kids were right about exercising. I feel fantastic!

Lynn Sr.: Me too! In fact, I say we do this every morning! Race you around the block, honey! [runs off] Eat my dust!

Rita: [follows] Oh, you're on!

Lincoln: Well, guys, looks like our work here is done.

[Later that night, Lincoln is sleeping soundly, but a whistle blows and wakes him up and makes him fall out of bed. It's shown that his sisters are up and their parents are wearing their workout outfits.]

Lynn Sr.: Kids, we had such a great time exercising yesterday, we thought why not do more?

Lola: [irate] You disrupted my beauty sleep to tell us that?

[The kids all wish their parents a good workout and head back to bed.]

Rita: No, no, no. All of us. It was so sweet of you kids to think about our health, we realized we should be thinking about yours too.

Lynn Sr.: [blows his whistle] Louds, fall in!

Laney: [To her siblngs] Come on guys, how bad could it be?

[A workout montage begins with the kids doing jumping jacks. Lynn Sr. blows his whistle and they switch to push-ups. Next, they're all lifting weights, except the twins who are sitting on Lynn's weight. Now, they're jogging down the street as the ice cream truck passes by.]

Loud Kids: ICE CREAM!

[The parents lasso them away from the truck. End montage.]

Lynn Sr.: Whoo! Really got the blood pumping today.

[The kids pant, exhausted from their workout.]

Rita: [giving them each water] Don't forget to stay hydrated.

[The kids all take a sip of their water but they all spit it out sans Lana because it doesn't taste right.]

Laney: What is this!?

Lynn Sr.: [holding a board of chopped onions.] It's onion-infused water; for better bladder function.

Lynn: [grossed out] Ugh. Well, it tastes like B.O.

Lana: [refreshed] I'll say! [squirts some more in her mouth, gargles, and swallows.] Ah.

Lynn Sr.: You kids must be famished. It's grub time!

Kids: [excited] Pizza and fries! / Burgers with cheese!

Lucy: Blood oranges.

Lynn Sr.: No, I mean actual grubs. [shows a plate of such insects.]

Kids minus Lana: Eww!

Lana: Ooh.

Rita: They're rich in protein and low in carbohydrates. So eat up. You'll need your energy for tomorrow.

Lynn Sr.: [looks at a schedule] That's right. We've got a 6:00 AM lake swim, followed by hot yoga, followed by 200 squat thrusts.

Rita: And Laney. You can show us more of that jazzercise you've been working on!

[The kids moan in disdain.]

Lana: [dipping her grubs in her onion water.] Hey, these are great with a little of this B.O. water. [shoves them in her mouth and suckles them.]

 **ONE WEEK LATER**

[The kids are all groaning and moaning and sweating from all that exercise.]

Lisa: [marks it on her calendar] This marks seven straight days of agonizing musculoskeletal torture; street name: exercise.

Lola: This is all your fault! [moves her eyes toward a certain someone.] I'm talking to you, Lincoln. I just can't lift my arm to point.

Luna: Yeah. You got the 'rents on this health kick, bro. You need to get 'em off of it.

Laney: I was wrong to ever think that exercise can be fun.

Lynn Sr.: [outside] Woo-hoo! Honey, check it out! [The kids, overcome with fatigue, limp to the window.] I fit into my old leather pants! [dances and rips a hole in them.] Oops. And by "fit", I mean I still have a ways to go. But now I have a new goal.

Rita: Ooh! Mine will be to fit into that tankini I bought on our honeymoon. [purrs]

Lynn Sr.: [attracted] Va-va-voom!

[The kids gag at such a thought; Lincoln pulls out of the huddle.]

Lincoln: Wait! That gives me an idea. Maybe if Mom and Dad think they've reached all their fitness goals, they'll cool it with the exercising. Okay, huddle up.

[They huddle up and the sisters do what Lincoln explains to them.]

Lincoln: [explaining off-screen] First, we gotta make Mom and Dad believe they've lost weight. So, Lisa, you'll rig the scale.

[Lisa does so, hears Rita coming, and jumps into the bathtub undetected as Rita steps on the scale. She checks her weight and is elated.]

Lincoln: And Lori and Leni, you'll replace their clothes with larger sizes.

[They do so. The door rattles. They gasp and hide under their parents' bed. Lynn Sr. dances in, takes off his robe, and puts on the bigger jeans which drop, leaving him exposed while Lori and Leni look away disgusted.]

Lynn Sr.: Gollers! And these are my skinny jeans!

Lincoln: Next, we have to convince Mom and Dad they've gotten stronger. Lynn, Lana, and Laney, you'll paint higher numbers on the weights.

[They do so, see their parents coming, and hide. Their parents lift the weights easily.]

Lincoln: While Luan and Luna loosen all the jars in the kitchen.

[They do so, see their dad coming, and hide under the sink.]

Lynn Sr.: [opens a pickle jar with ease.] Oh! Hey! [licks his face] Guess I don't know my own strength.

Lincoln: Lastly, to make Mom and Dad think they're getting faster, Lucy, you'll turn the clocks back.

[She does so and hides in the fireplace as the parents jog in.]

Rita: Whoo! [sees the clock] We ran five miles in ten minutes!

[She and her husband highfive.]

[Later that night]

Rita: Kids, dinner!

[The kids peek out through the living room and gasp at their dinner which is a big spaghetti feast.]

Lynn: [surprised] No grubs and onion water?

Parents: [in their goal-acquired outfits] Not tonight!

Rita: Your father and I are celebrating the great progress we've made.

Lynn Sr.: Yeah. Check out these guns. [flexes his arm] Bang, bang!

[The kids start pouring spaghetti onto their plates.]

Rita: We've got another surprise for you. No exercise tomorrow; you can all sleep late.

[The kids cheer for that statement.]

Lucy: [caressing her spaghetti] Oh, real food, how I've missed you.

[The kids start chowing down.]

Lynn Sr.: Whoa, whoa, easy, guys. I don't want anyone to lose a finger.

[The next day. The siblings are walking in the kitchen.]

Lori: I'm so glad the exercise nightmare is over.

Leni: [frightened] Now we just have the tankini and leather pants nightmare.

Luan: I gotta hand it to you, Lincoln, your idea really worked.

Lincoln: That's why they call you the man with the plan [licks his cowlick down and notices something.] Huh? Hey, look. A note from Mom and Dad. [reads it] " **Dear kids, since we're now in such great shape, we decided to enter the Royal Woods Ultimate Extreme Ninja Competition. See you tonight with our trophies?** "

[His cowlick suddenly starts up.]

Lisa: [sarcastic] Pssh. Man with the plan indeed.

Laney: Did he say the Royal Woods Ultimate Extreme Ninja Competition!? That is the most hardest physical competition ever! Only the toughest and most fit can enter!

Lynn: [worried] There's no way they're ready for that competition. Just imagine what would happen to them!

[A fantasy of Rita and Lynn Sr. in the competition begins. They reach the top of the rock climbing obstacle but get knocked by a pendulum into a monolith, peel off, bounce off a trampoline and crash on the judges table with the judges each giving them zeroes. End fantasy.]

Laney: Our family will be the laughing stock of the entire town!

Lincoln: We gotta stop them!

[They hurry to the competition. At the arena, the crowd is cheering and the kids arrive looking for their parents.]

Laney: Just as I feared! Look! [Points to Rita and Lynn Sr. who were hanging on a beam.]

Parents: HELP! [The kids gasp in horror]

Lori: Hang on, Mom and Dad! We're coming!

Laney: Alright everyone! Follow my lead! [Laney climbs up the ladder, jumps from platform to platform, dodges the pendlums, and swings from bar to bar as her sibling followed her exact movements. They then leap onto the hanging beam their parents are hanging by.]

Rita: Kids, what are you doing here?

Leni: We came to rescue you.

Lincoln: Yeah. This is all our fault. We tricked you into thinking you were in better shape than you really are.

Lola: That way you'd stop torturing us with exercise.

[The parents look at each other baffled.]

Luan: Yeah, you probably want to exercise your right to punish us. [laughs] Get it? But, um, seriously, are you gonna punish us?

Rita: No, we're not gonna punish you.

Lynn Sr.: But why did you try to trick us into exercising?

Lincoln: We just want you guys to be healthy so you'll be around long enough to watch us grow up.

Parents: [touched] Aw...

Lisa: [realizes] Uh, I hate to break up the moment, but...I don't think this bar can support-

[At that moment, the bar breaks and the family falls screaming much to the crowd's surprise.]

[The family is marching all the way home.]

Lincoln: Now this is my kind of exercise.

Lynn Sr.: [blows his whistle] Come on, Louds! Pick up the pace!

Rita: Honey, I thought we agreed to take it easier.

Lynn Sr.: But the ice cream truck is getting away!

[It is indeed driving away.]

Loud Family (Sans Laney): [screams and chases after the ice cream truck down the road.] ICE CREAM!

Laney: [To the viewers] I guess you can say our family does like to stay fit. In our own special way. [Catches up to her family] Make mine a chocolate!


	73. Future Tense

**Before we begin, I just can't help but saying this! 100 favorites! You all really like my story! Seriously, thank you! Let's keep this streak up to 200! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Future Tense**

[The kids are having fun outside. Lincoln is reading one of his comics, Lisa carrying a microscope, Lana is playing in the mud, Lily is holding Cliff, Lynn and Laney are playing soccer, Lola is driving her car, Luna is playing her guitar, and Lori is taking a picture of Luan, Leni, and Lucy posing by holding their fingers like guns with her phone.]

Lori: Say hi to the internet!

Luna: [playing her guitar and singing] I love to do nothing and hang out and waste time

Laney: I bet I can kick that ball higher than you.

Lynn: Bring it on, sister!

[Lynn Sr. and Rita are pulling dandelions out of their yard.]

Rita: [exhausted] Ich. I'm covered in dandelions.

Lynn Sr.: Well you look dandy, and I'm not lion. [laughs]

[A fancy car horn blurs and gets the Louds' attention. A car drives by with a family with gleaming smiles.]

Lola: Who's that? They look so...so...perfect!

Laney: And their smiles are so bright.

Lana: [nauseated] Yeah, I'll say. Their shiny teeth hurt my eyes. [rubs her eyes]

Lincoln: Looks like they bought the Crowleys' old house.

Lynn Sr.: Guess we got a new family moving in on the street.

Rita: Let's put off weeding until tomorrow and welcome them to the neighborhood. As soon as I clean up.

Lynn Sr.: On it! [blows the leaf blower at his wife, getting her clean.] Good to go. [They go insde the house]

[Moments later, the kids were inside the house]

Lola: So what do you guys think of the new family.

Lynn: I don't know, anyone who looks that fancy can't be nice. I bet they think they're much better than us.

Lola: So do you love them?

Laney: Guys, you're looking at this the wrong way. These guys are new here and they probably don't know us yet. Maybe we can be friends with the new family. And besides, it's not like they're prescence is gonna effect our lives. [Rita and Lynn Sr. bursted through the door]

Lynn Sr.: Kids! Get in the car!

[Inside Vanzilla]

Lana: Where are we going? I was supposed to meet the guys at the mud hole after school!

Rita: Your father and I signed you up for some extracurricular activities today.

Lynn Sr.:We just feel it's really important for you guys to be well-rounded in this competitive world.

Lynn: Well-rounded? Ho ho! You want us to bulk up? [starts lifting a dumbbell] Sweet!

Lynn Sr.: No, Lynn. You're actually going to the learning center.

Rita: You're great at sports, honey, but to realize your full potential, you could use a boost in your academics.

Laney: But academics aren't Lynn's thing. I mean sure getting education is good and all, but this isn't who Lynn is.

Lynn Sr.: Sweetie, in this competitive world you need to know how to get ahead in life. And we feel the best way to do that is sharpen our math skills.

Lynn: But I'm great at math! A TD plus extra point equals 7! But if you go for a conversion, that is 8. Boom! Math.

[They drop her off at the learning center anyway.]

Lynn: FLAG ON THE PLAY! [throws the flag on the ground in anger]

[The arts and crafts center]

Lisa: A ceramics studio? Are we lost?

Lynn Sr.: No, sweetie. This is your stop. You're great at science, but to be well-rounded, you need to embrace the arts. [drops her off]

Lisa: [sarcastic] YES, GOOD CALL! I WAS JUST ON THE VERGE OF CURING THE H1N1 VIRUS, BUT HEY, WHY DON'T I GO MAKE A COFFEE MUG INSTEAD?!

[The community college]

Luna: Royal Woods Community College? What the hay, Pop Star?

Lynn Sr.: Luna, we love your fun lingo, but to get ahead in life, it wouldn't hurt to brush up on your English?

[Luna steps out]

Luna: That's whack, brah!

[Lori and Leni watch Luna and are terrified at the mention of their names.]

Rita: And Lori and Leni, you'll be taking SAT prep classes. That's the best way to get into a good college.

[Lori and Leni step out]

Leni: What about just using the front door?

Rita: [worried] Let's put Leni for the double session.

[Vanzilla drives off]

Luna: WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION!

[The parents drop Luan off at City Hall.]

Rita: Life isn't all about laughs, honey. We think you'll learn more about serious matters by interning at the mayor's office.

Luan: Well, mayor day be ruined, too! [laughs] Get it? But, seriously, I don't wanna do this.

[They drop Lucy off at the basketball court.]

Lucy: Basketball?

Laney: Okay, this one doesn't even make sense. Why would Lucy brush up on athletics?

Lynn Sr.: [To Lucy] We love how independent you are, honey, but when you get out into the real world, you'll need to know how to work with a team.

Lucy: Of humans? [gags]

[They drop Lola off at the community help center.]

Rita: Volunteering at a soup kitchen will look great on your résumé.

Lola: [furious] You know what won't look great? ME IN A HAIRNET!

[They drop Lana off at Finishing School.]

Lynn Sr.: Finishing School will teach you some valuable social graces. [drives off]

Lana: I'VE GOT SOCIAL GRACES UP THE WAZOO! [belches]

Laney: Oh, this is ridiculous. I bet you're gonna send me to i don't know, maybe an IT center to work on my [uses air quotes] "computer skills"?

Rita: You're not going anywhere, sweetie.

Laney: What do you mean?

Lynn Sr.: Honey, you're socal skills are impecable. You work well with others and you have so much creative energy. That alone should be enough to get you into a college.

Lincoln: [petrified] But what about me? Where am I going? A police academy? Military school?

Lynn Sr.: Nope. You're going home. To read comics.

Lincoln: [relieved and under a beam of light] I knew I was your favorite.

Laney: [offscreen] Ahem. [Lincoln looks at Laney who had her arms crossed. Lincoln rubs the back of his head] I mean, one of your favorites.

[The light turns out to have been coming from Vanzilla's inside light. Lynn Sr. turns it off and hands Lincoln some comic books about the government.]

Lincoln: [confused] " _ **The Senator Squad: Law Making In Action**_ "?

Rita: Yes! These are educational comics that'll help broaden your outlook."[smiles]

Lincoln: [disappointed] So...not your favorite.

Later at home, Laney was in her room reading her book. But she was bored with everyone at their extra curricular activites.

Laney: [sighs] It's so boring with everyone gone. [Laney gets out of her room and goes to Lincoln's. She opens the door and sees Lincoln reading an educational comic just as bored as Laney] Hey, Lincoln. You uh, wanna play soccer with me?

Lincoln: [Bored] I can't. I'm too busy reading this issue of " **The Amazing World of Biomes** " Did you know that the scariest creature in the desert biome is called the Gilla Monster?

Laney: [sighs] Okay, maybe later. [Walks away feeling low]

[The next day, the kids (Sans Laney) are all ready and reluctant to go to their activities.]

Lincoln: [unamused] Another day, another educational comic. [holds up a comic about temperatures]

Lynn: You're so lucky you don't have to spend your day studying, Laney.

Lisa: Indeed. At least you don't have to spend the day making ceramic gravy boats. [holds out said boat]

Luna: At least you can talk how you wanted, brah. Uh, I mean, milady.

[The parents come out of their room waking up.]

Lynn Sr.: Kids, what are you doing? It's Saturday! Go have fun!

[The kids cheer and go outside.]

[Outside, they're doing what they did at the beginning of the episode with Leni taking a photo of Lucy, Lori, and Luan making duck faces while Luan makes a funny variation.]

Lori: Luan, that's not a duck face.

[Leni takes the picture.]

Lori: Leni, I wasn't ready!

Leni: Say hi to the internet!

Luna: [playing her guitar and singing] Doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop-doo...

Lynn: Hey, Lanes! Catch! [Lynn throws a football and Laney runs to catch it]

Laney: I got it! I got it! [Laney trips on Lana and falls into the mud.]

Lana: Oh, so you wanna mud wrestle do ya? [Lana playfully wrestles with Laney and they both laugh. The parents are happy that their kids are having fun and notice the Yates family passing by with trees and gardening equipment.]

Bumper Sr.: Hiya, Louds!

Lynn Sr.: Hey there, neighbors! Got some fun plans for the weekend?

Jancey: Yes, we do! We're doing some volunteer work for the city: planting trees!

Bumper Sr.: It's all about turning downtime into well-round-time.

Beau:[Speaks in Korean] Najung-e boja! [Translation: "See you afterwards"]

[The Yates Family leaves; Rita and Lynn Sr. look at each other in fear. Cut to the Louds cleaning up the interstate.]

Luna: [frustrated] What happened to "It's Saturday"? The only thing I should be picking up is my axe!

Lynn Sr.: You'll thank us for this one day.

Laney: [unamused] Yeah. Maybe when were 20.

[A car comes careening down the road and hits some mud that gets all over Leni who screams.]

Leni: [sad] I've got mud in my mouth.

Lana: [jealous] Lucky...

[The kids arrive home filthy from their cleaning.]

Lincoln: I'm going to be seeing hamburger wrappers in my sleep tonight.

Rita: All right, kids... [the kids gasp in horror of what she's about to say.] ...you're free to do whatever you want for the rest of the day.

Laney: Finally!

Lynn Sr.: [with coffee] Guys, I just ran into Bumper Sr. at the coffee shop, and he said they're taking their kids to the symphony for cultural enrichment!

Rita: What?! Wash up, kids! We're going to the opera!

[The kids groan, and the family goes to the opera house where Lynn Sr. and Rita appearing to be enjoying it.]

Tenor: [singing] Tralala-lalala-lalala-la!

Rita: Do they look enriched?

[They open their eyes and see that all of them except Lisa fell asleep.]

Tenor: [cont'd] _Fortunatissimo per verità!_ [Translation: "Most fortunate indeed!"]

[They return home after the show.]

Lynn Sr.: [holding Lily as she sleeps] Wasn't that enriching, guys?

Laney: Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Now can we go back to enjoying our weekend? I believe that I had Lana by the ropes.

Lynn Sr.: Yes we- [Just then, Rita runs in]

Rita: I just ran into Jancey! Her kids are raising money for schools! She says it's important to keep them civic-minded!

Lynn Sr.: Can't! Back in the car!

[The kids groan and follow]

Lori: I'm really starting to not like the Yates's.

[Cut to Luna and Lucy at a neighbor's house. Luna knocks, the owner answers, and Lucy holds up a pamphlet.]

Lucy: Hi. Are you registered to vote?

[The guy closes the door on them.]

Luna: [pounds on the door] Bogus, dude! I mean... [British accent] ...that was rather uncouth.

[Lisa and Luan have a door slammed on them, as do Lynn and Lincoln, Leni and Lola, and Laney]

Lola: [furious] I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!

[They return home in the dead of night.]

Lynn: Can we please go to bed now?

Rita: Of course. Jancey says kids need 10 hours of sleep for maximum brain growth.

Lisa: [sarcastic and relived] Oh, well, thank goodness for Jancey.

[The kids go to bed and the parents sit on the sofa.]

Lynn Sr.: I think we earned a little R&R. You wanna watch that show where they reenact old movies with cats?

Rita: Do I?!

[Meanwhile, Upstairs in the hallway]

Lori: I literally don't know how much "well rounded" time I can take!

Lola: Tell me about it! I've worn a hairnet for so long, my scalp's starting to itch! [scratches her head]

Lincoln: And I'm tired of reading comics that don't involve superheroes fighting crime.

Lucy: I'd rather have a tea party with Lola than having to play another insipid game of basketball.

Laney: Guys, I was wrong to ever think the Yates' can be a good change for our lives! If this keeps up, we won't ever have time to fit fun in our lives anymore!

Luna: Well, what are we gonna do? It's not like we can do something about the Yates' and their "well roundedness".

Laney: True. But we can do something OUR parent's well roundedness. Here's the plan- [The kids huddled up as Laney whispers her plan]

Lynn Sr.: [runs upstairs] KIDS! IN THE CAR! WE'RE GOING TURTLE SAVING! [The siblings groan]

[A few days later, Lynn Sr. is bandaging up his hand and holding a pineapple for a snapping turtle that they saved. The turtle roars at Lynn Sr. and snaps.]

Lynn Sr.: [giving his wife the pineapple] You wanna feed him, honey? I've been doing it all week. Ow.

[Rita puts the pineapple in the tank and the turtle snaps it. The parents flinch at the snapping. Enter their kids one by one.]

Lana: [balancing books on her head] Hey, Mom and Dad. I passed Finishing School with honors.

Lynn: [holding a trophy] I took first in the state math bowl.

Lori: We just took our practice SAT's. My verbal score went up 200 points.

Leni: Mine, too. So, now it's 200.

Lisa: [with a wagon of pottery] Behold the fruits of my ceramic labors. 13 full plate settings.

Lucy: [spinning a basketball on her finger] I made the all-star team. [Enter Lola and Lincoln with bags of trash.]

Lincoln: "We cleared the entire interstate from here to Flint."

Luna: I tutored some new citizens in English, then registered them to vote. [Drops a piece of paper which Luan picks up.]

Luan: [with a briefcase] I helped solve the city's parking crisis.

Rita: Wow, guys! This is all so amazing! We're so proud of you.

Lynn Sr.: What say we take a little break and get our ice cream on? Huh?

Lola: Sorry, Daddy. Ice cream doesn't look good on a résumé. Especially if you spill it.

Lori: Plus, it'll literally just make us sluggish.

Rita: Well, how about a little trip to the movies?

Leni: I don't see how that will help us get ahead in life.

Luna: Regretfully, I must concur. Now we must excuse ourselves to study our state capitals flash cards.

[The kids go upstairs to continue applying themselves while their parents are shocked at what they had become.]

Lynn Sr.: No ice cream?

Rita: No movie?

[Enter Laney]

Laney: Sorry, parents. We're so well rounded, we can't fit fun into our busy busy schedule. Now if you excuse me, I'm off to read comics with Lincoln. There's a new issue of The Senator Squad. [Walks upstairs. The parents continue to look on shocked]

Lynn Sr. and Rita: WE'RE FAILING OUR KIDS!

Lynn Sr.: Kids, come outside!

[The kids pop out of their rooms curiously.]

[Outside]

Lisa: Can we make this quick? You're cutting into our well-rounded time.

Lynn Sr.: Forget about well-rounded time. Forget about everything. Just go have fun.

[The kids are surprised]

Lola: [suspicious] Is this a trick?

Rita: No. We're sorry we've been forcing all these activities on you guys. We got so caught up in worrying about your future that we forgot about your present.

Lori: But what about college?

Lucy: And our résumés?

Lisa: And embracing the arts?

Lynn Sr.: That stuff's important, but there'll be plenty of time for that. You're kids. You should enjoy being kids.

[The kids all cheer and go off to do their own activities. Lily is now holding Geo's hamster ball. Luan is reeling her fake spider down to Leni.]

Lori: Leni, there's a-ah, whatever. Say "hi" to the internet.

Leni: AAAHH! SPIDER! [Lincoln and Laney were sitting on the porch]

Lincoln: Wow, Laney. You're plan worked. How did you know that Mom and Dad would give up the well rounded buisness.

Laney: Simple. Our parents try so hard to make us like the Yates's, so I figured we should act like we were so well rounded we never even heard of taking breaks or having fun. It was a matter of time before they realized their mistake: the future is us to deicide. The only thing we should be worry about, is our present.

Luna: Smart thinkin', Lanes. Maybe you will get into a college with that kind of wit.

Laney: Oh, no. You guys did all of the work. You were all so believable! [Enter Lynn] Especially you, Lynn! That trophy was so convincing and realistic! What kind of metal did you use to make it?

Lynn: Uh, I never made it. [Holds out the trophy] I actually won the math bowl.

Laney: [surprised] Oh... Good for you then.

[The parents are happy to see their kids playing and see the Yates's.]

Bumper Sr.: Hey, Louds. We're off to the postal museum.

Jancey: Learning about the past will help our kids shape the future. What are you guys doing?

Lynn Sr.: Just having fun.

Bumper Sr.: [puzzled] Fun? What's the purpose of that?

Rita: Well, we think that in this competitive world, it's good to let kids unwind a little.

Jancey: Huh. We didn't think of that one

Bumper Sr.: [checks his watch] I guess if we switch from the 12 o'clock tour to the 12:15, we can squeeze in...seven minutes of fun. What do you say, kids?

[The kids all smile and head over to the Loud House. Bumper Jr. is playing with Mr. Coconuts and making Luan laugh, Beau is reading comics with Lincoln and Laney, Belle is jamming with Luna, and Beatrix is playing Soccer with Lynn while all the parents look on contently.]

Lynn Sr.: Hey, while the kids are playing, you wanna watch videos of old people falling out of boats?

Bumper Sr. and Jancey: [ecstatic] DO I?!


	74. Lynner Takes All

**Lynner Takes All**

Laney was in her room drawing on the floor, hoping that she would have a peaceful night in the Loud house. But of course, there is no such thing. Especially not tonight, for tonight is...

Lynn: [bursts through Laney's door] GAME NIGHT! YOU READY TO GET SMOKED?! WOO! [Runs downstairs. Laney groans]

Laney: I hate game night. [As she walked downstairs]

[The kids have gathered at the grownup table for their games.]

Lynn: Hey, I was just wondering. Do you guys know any good therapists?

Lincoln: Well, Clyde recommends-

Lynn: [taunting] To help you deal with your loss tonight? BURN!

[The others sigh in exasperation.]

Lori: [walks up to the shelf] Okay, guys, what'll it be tonight?

Lily: Go-go fishy!

Lori: Good choice, Lily. Go Fish it is. [gets the cards]

[Later into the game]

Lisa: Lynn, do you possess any sevens?

Lynn: Hope you've got gas in your boat.

Lisa: Pardon? I have no aquatic vehicles.

Lynn: [taunting] 'Cause you're going fishing!

[Lisa draws a card]

Lynn: Lori, you seemed pretty interested in deuces last right. Got any?

[Lori sighs and gives her her two.]

Lynn: [slams her cards on the table.] Boom! Welcome to Losertown! Population: you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you! [she says as she points to her siblings individually.]

Lincoln: Well, now that that's over with.

[He and the other sisters proceed to get up.]

Lynn: [stopping them] Wait-wait-wait, hold on. Tonight's special. It's my... [presses a button revealing a celebratory tarp.] ...300th win in a row! I am unbeaten by you chumps! [busts out a bazooka that fires confetti at them and runs off.] WOO!

Luna: [coughs from the confetti and sees something familiar.] Dudes, this confetti's made from our homework! Bogus!

Laney: I am so tired of that athletic annoyance always rubbing it in our faces!

Lola: Tell me about it! She is so obnoxious.

Lincoln: If only we could beat her just once, maybe she'd stop gloating.

Lori: How are we gonna do that when she's better at every game on the shelf?

Lincoln: Maybe we need to try a game that isn't on the shelf; something that Lynn doesn't know, something that one of us is really good at.

Lola: [inspired] I think I might have just the game.

[The game is a pageant themed game.]

Lynn: Pretty, Pretty Pageant Queen? I don't even know how to play this.

Lola: Oh. Okay. If you're afraid of losing-

Lynn: I'm no loser! It is on!

[Later, Lola is dominating Lynn at the game. She moves her piece onto a perfect sash space.]

Lola: Oh! Just earned my sash! Just two spaces from being the pretty, pretty pageant queen!

Lynn: [checks the rules] "Hold up. It says in the rule book that if you can roll three tens at once, you get three tens from the judges and an automatic win. [picks up the dice, spits on them and rattles them.]

Lisa: [scoffs] Good luck. The odds of such an occurrence would be 1 in 1,720-

Lynn: [rolls the dice] Did it!

[The dice show that she really did roll three tens in a row; her siblings gasp in astonishment. Lola faints from such a humiliating defeat.]

Lynn: [does her victory dance] Unh! Lynn-er, Lynn-er, chicken dinner! [clucks]

Lucy: We will never beat her...at anything.

Lana: I know a game I can beat her at! [shows her favorite board game.] Plumbing Pro! You have to remove all the objects form the plumbing without touching the sides.

Lynn: [scoffs] This looks easy. I'll start by removing the hairball from the shower drain. [attempts to but touches the side and feels the vibration.]

Lana: Uh-oh! You touched the side. One more buzz and you lose.

Lynn: [growling with rage] 'Scuze me a second. [steps outside and starts doing push-ups.] You wanna lose, Lynn? Huh, huh? You wanna be the mayor of Losertown? Then get your head in the game! [gets up, pounds her chest, tosses the trash can and roars.]

[The others have witnessed it.]

Lucy: She's coming back in.

[They all sit down as Lynn returns.]

Lynn: Let's do this! [shouts and removes every single piece of clogging from every piece of plumbing in the game making the toilet flush showing it's clear.] YES! Another win for Lynn!

[The moment she leaves, the game breaks into two.]

Lincoln: [gets an idea] Guys, I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier. The Ace Savvy trivia game! There's no way she can beat me!

[Lori is giving the questions.]

Lori: Okay, guys, whoever answers this lats question right wins.

[Somehow, Lynn is calm and Lincoln is nervous. The other sisters are scowling at him.]

Lola: [whispering] Lincoln, what the heck? You haven't gotten a single answer right.

Lincoln: It's not my fault. Lynn keeps getting in my head.

Lori: [reads the question] Who is Ace Savvy's sidekick?

Lincoln: [buzzes in] Oh, that's so easy.

Lynn: [manipulative] Oh, is it? Are you sure? It could be a trick question. I'm just sayin'. [chuckles] Game's riding on this. It'd sure be a shame if you choked. [pretends to choke]

Lincoln: [cracked under pressure] MASSACHUSETTS!

Lynn: [buzzes in and scoffs] Even I know this one. It's One-Eyed Jack.

Lori: [defeated] Correct.

Lynn: [victorious once again] Boom! I win! Better get outta here before I breathe in too many loser fumes. [leaves]

Lincoln: [disappointed] Sorry, guys. I totally choked.

Lori: It's okay, Lincoln. [sighs] None of us is good enough to beat her.

Laney: [Raises her hand; offscreen] Hold it, siblings! There's one thing we haven't tried.

Lincoln: What's that, Laney?

Laney: [smirks] If we can't find game Lynn can't beat us at. We'll just make one up! Messed up rules will mess up her mojo.

Lincoln: That's brilliant! We'll make a game so ridiculous that Lynn can't possibly win!

Lucy: And even the odds in our favor.

Lori: Alright, guys. Let's brainstorm ideas.

Laney: No need. I already have one. It's all here in my dream journal. [Shows said journal to her siblings]

Luna: Wow. You've got some weird dreams, Lanes.

[Later the kids were in the backyard. Lynn and Lincoln were on unicycles with three balloons tied to their backs, holding tennis rackets and beach balls. Laney was wearing a referee uniform. The rest of the siblings were sitting in rows like bleachers]

Laney: Alright everybody. The name of the game is calles "Beach Unicycle Racketball". The rules are simple: get the ball over the opponent's post while dodging their traps they throw at you using the objects around you and keep your balloons from being popped. But! You have to do it all without leaving the unicycle. And if all of your three balloons are popped, your out!

Lynn: Piece of cake.

Laney: We'll see about that. Play ball! [Laney throws the ball up and Lynn and Lincoln begin to serving it back and forth to each other (I have no idea what they call this in tennis) until the ball hits the ground as Lynn tries to hit it. Laney then blows the whistle]

Lynn: What the heck was that about?

Laney: Did I forget to mention that you're supposed to keep the ball from touching the ground? That's am immediate penalty. [Holds out a thumbtack and pops one of Lynn's balloons. Lynn growls] Play ball! [Tosses the ball and Lynn and Lincoln begin to play again. Lynn sees Luan holding a pie and Lynn takes it from her and throws it at Lincoln's face. Laney then blows her whistle again]

Lynn: Now what!?

Laney: Illegal use of banana cream pie! That's strike two! [Pops another one of Lynn's balloons]

Lincoln: [smug] One balloon left, Lynn. One more pop and your out. [Lynn grows frustrated]

Lynn: Time out! [Lynn jumps off her unicycle and leaves. In the front yard, Lynn was once again doing pushups] Don't listen to them, Lynnster! They're trying to psyche you out with their made up rules and their ridiculous game! It ain't gonna work! You're not a loser, you're a winner! SO START ACTING LIKE ONE! RAAAAAAH! [pounds her chest like a gorilla]

[Back at the backyard]

Lincoln: Sure is taking Lynn a long time.

Laney: Maybe our little game was too much for her. Ha! I can't wait to see the look on her fac when I tell he she's- [Just then, Lynn throws a tire from the tire swing at Lincoln and uses it as a ramp as she rides her unicycle up to Lincoln's goal in slow motion. She hits the ball through the goal.] ...Won?

Lynn: YEAAAAAAAAH! In your faces! I won! You lost!

Laney: What was that?! Who said you can use that tire?

Lynn: Technically, you said to use whatever's around me to throw at my opponent. And that tire swing was the only thing around me at the other yard.

Laney: But I didn't say you can- [Lynn does her victory dance]

Lynn: Oh yeah! Uh huh! Go Lynn! It's my birtday! Oh yeah... [Dances off. The siblings were speechless]

Laney: Um... Okay. Minor setback. [Holds out her dream journal] But I have another game in here that will...

Lori: Save it, Laney. It's hopeless.

Lana: No matter what we do, Lynn will always find a way to beat us.

Lola: And rub it in our faces! [Lincoln muffles under the tire]

Lucy: We are doomed to forever suffer her gloating. [Lisa gets an idea]

Lisa: Maybe not. It appears that Lynn has no trouble taking on one of us at a game. But what if she takes on ALL of us? [shows them her favorite board game.] Behold! " _ **The Settlers of Cat-Land**_ "! The objective is to build as many cat structures as possible. But here's the kicker: one cannot do so without forming alliances. Ergo, if we freeze out Lynn, she is bound to go down in proverbial flames.

[The others get cunning looks in their eyes and decide to go with this plan. Later, the game is not going in Lynn's favor.]

Lynn: [frustrated] What? [stammering] Seriously?! No one has a yarn ball to trade me for some catnip?

[The others mutter and moan that they do not have a single yarn ball.]

Lynn: [groans] I can't build squat! This game bites it! HARD!

[The cat timer meows and rings.]

Lisa: [turns it off; satisfied] Well, I see our time is up. [checks the score] We have a ten-way tie for first, with Lynn in a distant second.

Lynn: COUNT IT AGAIN!

Lisa: [smug] Lynn, I do not make errors.

[This flabbergasts Lynn. Her siblings leave cheering that they finally defeated her.]

Lisa: Well, that ought to stop Lynn's competitive behavior.

Lincoln: And all of her gloating.

Luan: Yeah. I'd say we really got her gloat. We put her on a gloaten-free diet. Unless she's a gloaten for punishment

[The others just leave not wanting to hear anymore.]

Luan: Hey, where are you going? I'm just gloatin' started!

Lynn: [makes it to the top] WOO-HOO! I win! Ho ho, you went down hard!

Leni: [stuck to the wall and still trying to walk.] I thought I was going up.

[Lily is building with blocks, and Lynn has built a tower with some of her own.]

Lynn: [dancing] Yes! I win. I stacked more blocks than you. [twerks right on Lily's blocks, making them fall on her.] Uh-huh! Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh! [dances away]

[Lily comes out of her blocks and blows a raspberry at Lynn in anger. Laney was reading a book in her room, then Lynn runs in holding a book herself]

Lynn: I can read faster than you! [Flips through the pages until she reched the end] Done! BOOYAH! In your face. [Does her victory dance, Laney walks away]

[Lisa is mixing chemicals, but so is Lynn who makes hers explode.]

Lynn: BOOM! I win! Made an explosion first.

Lisa: I wasn't trying to make an explosion! [her chemicals explode anyway] Dang it.

[Lynn and Lucy are washing the dishes.]

Lynn: I can wash faster than you. [starts washing the dishes rapidly.]

[Lola is brushing her teeth and Lynn appears.]

Lynn: I can brush faster than you! [brushes insanely quick with multiple toothbrushes, shows her pearly whites and loses a tooth much to Lola's disturbance.]

[Later that night]

Lynn: I CAN GO TO SLEEP THE FASTEST! [her siblings groan] I CAN ALSO SNORE THE LOUDEST! [snores obnoxiously much to her siblings' annoyance.]

[The next morning.]

Lynn: Woo! I was up first! [The living room. Lori comes in.] Ha, ha! Lori, I totally ate more bacon than you. Loser!

[Lori groans aggravated and opens the door.]

Lincoln: Where are you going?

Lori: Anywhere I can be away from Lynn!

Lynn: Pancake challenge! Right now! Which one of you lame-os is gonna man up?

Lucy: [rises up; begging] Please. Take us with you.

[The others are riding in Vanzilla for some peace and quiet.]

Luna: [sighs contentedly] This is sweet, right, dudes?

[The others agree]

Luan: I really need a break from her.

[But then...]

Lynn: Come on, Lynn! Push it! Push it! Dig deep!

[It's revealed that Lynn is riding her bike right past Vanzilla.]

Lynn: Yeah! You lose! Eat my dust! [pedals away]

[Her siblings groan.]

[A sibling meeting is taking place in Lori and Leni's room. Lori bangs a shoe to order.]

Lori: We all know why we're here. The Lynn situation is literally the worst thing that's ever happened.

Lucy: [moans] We never should have beat her at that cat game.

Lincoln: I say we challenge Lynn to a rematch; only this time, we throw the game. That way, she'll feel like a winner again and stop driving us crazy.

[Everyone except Luna and Lola likes the sound of that. Cut to them having challenged Lynn.]

Lynn: A rematch, huh? Well, this place is gonna be spotless...after I wipe the floor with you! Booyah! Let's do this!

[Cut to later in the game.]

Lynn: Will anyone trade me a scratching post for a laser pointer?

[The others offer her their scratching post cards.]

Luan: Will anyone trade me a cat bed for a litter box?

[The others intentionally decline.]

Lola: I gave my last one to Lynn.

[Lincoln secretly moves a card from his pocket and puts it that the top of the deck.]

Luna: Your turn, Lynn.

Lynn: [draws; to her amazement] Yes! Ball of twine, chumps! [rolls the die and gets a one] One? GAH! Come on!

[Lisa bangs the table hard enough to make the die switch to six.]

Lynn: [sees it] Six all day long, baby!

[Later, Lynn has pretty much everything else in the settlement.]

Lynn: [confident] Hope you guys are hungry, 'cause it's almost time Lynn-er, Lynn-er, chicken dinner! Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling!

[While most of them smile knowing their plan is working, Leni starts looking nervous. She grabs the board and tosses it out the window. The others ask her why she went and did it.]

Leni: What? The plan was to throw the game, and no one else was doing it!

Lynn: [suspicious] "Wait a sec. Throw the game? You guys were trying to lose to me on purpose?"

Lincoln: Okay, yes we were. We just thought if we let you win, you'd stop being so insanely competitive with us.

Lynn: I was just trying to get my edge back after losing to you guys.

Lisa: Well, to be completely transparent, the only reason you lost is because we all teamed up against you.

Lynn: What? Why would you do that?

Luna: 'Cause after your 300 wins...

Lynn: [interrupting] Well, technically, 303, but who's counting?

Luna: [aggravated from Lynn's interruption.] ...we couldn't take your gloating anymore, dude.

Laney: You are such a poor sport! You can't take losing well, and whenever you win you do that stupid victory dance!

Luan: Yeah. We were all in the same gloat. We were tired of eating your gloat-meal.

Lori: [not in the mood] Not now, Luan.

[Luan stops]

Lynn: Wow. So, you're saying I'm a bad loser and a bad winner?

Lisa: Precisely.

Lynn: You all feel this way?

Lynn's Siblings: Yeah. / Kinda. / Afraid so. / We feel this way.

Lynn: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a jerk. I just love playing games, especially with you guys. Look, if you give me another chance, I promise to be a better sport. What do you say?

[The others think for a moment and agree.]

Lori: Why not?

Lola: Okay, Lynn.

Lynn: [victoriously] Yes! First to apologize!

Laney: Really?

Lynn: [realizes] Uh, sorry. That was the last one. Better sport, starting...now.

[Later, a card game comes to an end.]

Lynn: That's all my cards. So I guess...

[The others all have looks of nonchalant accepts on their faces.]

Lincoln: You can say it. You win.

Lynn: Okay, cool. I win. [shakes Lincoln's hand] Good game, guys. Good game. [gives the peace sign, leaves, steps outside]

Laney: Wow, she's really learned to be a good sport. I'm proud of her. [The other siblings look outside]

Lincoln: Think again. [Laney looks outside with her siblings to see Lynn doing her victory dance]

Lynn: [celebratory] YEAH! I RULE! [starts dancing.] Lynn-er, Lynn-er, chicken dinner! [does the worm]

[The others are watching from the window.]

Laney: Well... At least it's not to our faces. It's a start.

[The other siblings agree, stating that Lynn has a long way to go to stop gloating entirely.]

Lynn: [rips the sleeves off of her jersey and shouts in victory.] WINNER!


	75. Yes Man

**Yes Man**

[Lori and Leni's closet]

Lori: Why is your scarf on my shelf?

Leni: Maybe your shelf is underneath my scarf! Did you ever think of that?

Luna: [opens the door] Yo, dudes, who can spot me some green?

Leni: [squeals] I wanna play! [looking around] "Um...that sweater! That plant! Wait! Are my eyes green? [crosses her eyes]

Luna: No, I mean I need cash! There's a Mick Swagger auction today, and I really need to buy this beauty! [shows a ragged filthy worn-out shirt on her phone] Mick wore it every night of his Mild Horses tour. It still has his pit stains. [Laney walks in]

Laney: Hey guys. Do you think I can borrow 20 dollars? [Holds out a flier for a beret] Carl's Costume shop is selling a french outfit which includes an actual beret from Paris.

Lori: Well, Leni and I are literally broke. Try Mom and Dad.

Luna: Mom and Dad? What's the point, dude? They'll just lay that whole "big family, small budget" rap on me! Bogus!

Laney: Don't get me started, Luna. They gave me that lecture when I tried to ask them the money. I wish there was some way we can convince them.

[On Lincoln's laptop, Clyde, Liam, and Zach are putting on SMOOCH outfits.]

Clyde: Lincoln, where are you? I thought we were getting ready together.

Liam: Yeah. We gotta put our faces on if we're gonna hang with them rock stars.

Lincoln: [in his grownup outfit] Hold on. [puts them on hold, holds up a SMOOCH poster and speaks to the viewers.] SMOOCH is having a special VIP concert tonight, where you get to go backstage and meet the band. In the immortal words of my sister Luna... [does his rock pose] ...it's gonna be rockin'!" [gets back on with his friends.] I'll be right over. I just gotta get the money for my ticket.

Clyde: What? You haven't asked your parents yet

Lincoln: Guys, don't worry. You know I'm the Master of Convincing. Especially when it comes to my parents.

[A sulking Luna overhears this.]

Lincoln: Got my suit dry-cleaned, my speech written, my turkey tail slicked...yes, sir, I'm ready to go.

[Luna comes in]

Luna: [to Lincoln's friends] You say goodbye, and I say hello! [closes the screen]

Lincoln: [upset] Luna!

Luna: Sorry, bro. It's an emergency. You gotta help me convince the 'rents to cough up the dough for this. [holds up the shirt picture]

Lincoln: I think that's the wrong picture. It looks like a sweaty T-Shirt.

Luna: Yeah! Mick Swagger's sweaty T-Shirt!

Lincoln: I'd love to help you, but I have my own business to attend to.

Luna: But, dude, the auction ends in an hour! Come on! This is urge!

Lincoln: Why do you need my help?

Luna: You said it yourself, bro; you're the Master of Convincing! Please! I ain't too proud to beg! [she says in a begging pose.]

Lincoln: [sighs] Okay, fine.

Luna: [elated] "Radical! So, what's the plan? You gonna write me a speech? Do I get to wear the blue suit?"

Lincoln: No, no. The secret to convincing is to use your strengths.

[Cut to Luna playing her guitar and singing to her parents.]

Luna: [singing] _And that's why I need the pit-stained T!_ I SAY PIT, YOU SAY STAIN! PIT!

Lynn Sr. and Rita: STAIN!

Luna: PIT!

Lynn Sr. and Rita: STAIN!

Lynn Sr.: Woo-hoo! Take the cash!

[He throws it everywhere to Luna's delight. She goes back to Lincoln.]

Luna: The 'rents gave me money for this crusty T / Thank you, baby bro, for helping me!

Lincoln: No problem. Now it's my turn.

[The other sisters are suddenly there.]

Lynn: Whoa! He helped you get money from Mom and Dad?

Luna: Yup. He's the Master of Convincing.

Lincoln: [notices Luna's head a little too close.] Watch the turkey tail!

Leni: Ooh! Can you help me and Lori, too? We need a closet organizer.

Luan: Yeah. I need a tuxedo for Mr. Coconuts.

Lisa: I require certain isotopes for my research.

Laney: I need that Paris outfit!

Lucy: I need the preserved skeleton of an 1840's gold miner.

Lincoln: Guys, I can't deal with this right now. I have my own thing to take care of.

Lola: [feigning sadness] Oh, we get it. You love Luna the best.

Lynn: [also feigning] We'll just watch her enjoy the thing you helped her get.

Lori: [feigning as well] Oh, sorry to bother you, Lincoln. We mistook you for someone who cared about all of his sisters.

Laney: [also fegining] Yeah. I guess Luna's happiness is mor important... [sniffs] ...than ours.

[They start to leave with all except Luna looking sad.]

Lincoln: [sighs] Okay, fine.

[The other sisters come back beaming.]

Lincoln: "Now, the key to convincing is to use your strengths."

[Luan and Mr. Coconuts go first.]

Luan: [voicing Mr. Coconuts] "Well, folks, you've been great. I'd stay longer, but I have a family reunion at the lumber yard. Har-har-har!"

[The parents laugh]

Rita: Oh, Mr. Coconuts, you are too funny.

Lynn Sr.: [still laughing] I can't-I can't-

Luan: [sad] Yeah. It's too bad he can't go to the big comedy gala. It's black tie, and he can't afford a tuxedo. [as Mr. Coconuts] Aw, coconuts!

Lynn Sr.: What? He has to go!

[He gives Luan the money and she gives Lincoln a wink and a thumbs up, as Lincoln gives her a thumbs up back. Next, Lola and Lana are looking at their parents with big pleading eyes.]

Lola: Gee, Daddy, if you got me a new engine for my jeep, I'd be the happiest little girl in the world.

Lana: And I'd be her happy little grease monkey.

Lynn Sr.: [infatuated by their cuteness] Aw. How can I say no to my adorable little girls.

[He gives them their money, they give Lincoln a thumbs-up, he gives one back. Laney is next with a beautiful painting of her riding scooter through paris at night]

Laney: I call this beautiful piece: "An Night in Paris".

Rita: [tearful] Oh, sweetie. It's so beautiful.

Lynn Sr.: I want it! [Laney snatches the painting away from Lynn Sr]

Laney: Not so fast. I'll give it to you for say... 20 dollars.

Lynn Sr.: Here's 50! [Hands Laney the money. Laney then gives Lincoln a thumbs up back. Next is Lisa with VR goggles.]

Lisa: Behold a simulation of a future made possible by my latest research.

[The parents put them on.]

Rita: Honey, this is amazing! [watches a housekeeping robot clean the kitchen.]

Lisa: True, but it can't come to fruition until I get my hands on the necessary isotopes.

Lynn Sr.: Then you shall have those isotopes! [gives her the money to her delight.]

Rita: Wait. What is this? [sees a giant cybernetic bug crawling all over the house.]

Lisa: Uh-oh. There's still a few glitches in the system, but I'm dealing with them.

[She gives Lincoln a thumbs-up as he gives her one back. Next is Lynn who's playing Basketball with her Dad with a hoop in the living room, and it appears she's losing.]

Lynn: [acting] Four-zip? You are destroying me.

Lynn Sr.: That's what you get for challenging your old man.

Lynn: How about this: if I can beat you, you buy me a new basketball hoop for the garage?

Lynn Sr.: It never hurts to dream.

[Lynn grabs the ball and makes enough baskets to beat her old man at the game while he lays on the ground from a botched play.]

Lynn Sr.: [in pain] Honey, can you get my wallet from my pocket? I think I sprained, well...everything.

[Lynn thumbs-up Lincoln as he thumbs her up back. Next is Lucy with a gravestone with her name etched in pretending to do a eulogy.]

Lucy: Today, we remember Lucy Loud, who lived to be 105 but never got over the dashed childhood dream of owning a real human skeleton.

Rita: [despondent yet knowing as her husband holds out the cash.] We get it. You can have the money.

[Lucy turns and smiles to Lincoln.]

 **TRANSLATION: THANK YOU**

[Lincoln gives her a finger snap.]

 **TRANSLATION: NO PROBLEMO**

[Next is Lori and Leni who are talking at the same time.]

Lori: We need a better closet system...

Leni: We need a better closet organizer...

Lori: ...because there's an odd...

Leni: ...because some stuff is hers...

Lori: ...number of shelves and even number of girls...

Leni: ...but some stuff is mine that used to be hers...

Lori: ...which means...

Lynn Sr.: [gives them the money, unable to take it anymore.] Okay, okay, take the money! Just please stop talking.

[The parents fall over on the sofa exhausted from their two oldest daughters talking so much. The sisters smile to Lincoln who tells them to just move along. Finally, Lily shows her parents a catalog for a doll called Teddy Listen. Her parents are not sure, so Lily starts crying so loud, the sound carries throughout the whole world and the cosmos.]

Lynn Sr. and Rita: [tortured] PLEASE, TAKE THE MONEY! [gives it to her]

Lily: [giggles and claps in happiness]

Lincoln: Finally! It's the master's turn.

[He and Lily high-five each other. Lincoln has just finished up his speech.]

 **LINCOLN LOUD'S THREE R'S**

Lincoln: And those are the three R's of why you should fund my ticket to the VIP SMOOCH concert tonight. A-thank you.

Rita: Well, we always enjoy your little presentations.

Lincoln: A-thank you.

Lynn Sr:. And you are looking sharp in that suit.

Lincoln: A-thank you.

Rita: And as much as we'd love to help you, the answer is no.

Lincoln: [thinking they said yes] Sweet! Cash is fine, but if you need to do a check- [realizes] Wait. What?

[His turkey tail stands up. Lola is racing around in her Princess car with Lana having tuned up the new engine.]

Lola: WOO! This baby flies now!

Lana: That's what happens when you're packing six ponies under the hood!

Laney: [In her Paris outfit] Bonjour, Lincoln! I cannot thank you enough for helping me get this outfit! [Lincoln walks upstairs] So how did your presentation go?

Lincoln: No dice. Mom and dad loved it, but they said no.

Laney: Oh sorry to hear that. But I'm sure you'll think of something. You are the master of convincing after all. Now if you excuse me, i need to start practacing my french. [Reads a book called "French Language 101"] Croy-sant? [Leaves]

Lincoln: She's right. I'm still the master. I just need to raise my game a little. [Lola's car gets soot all over his suit.] But first, back to the dry cleaner.

[The basement. Rita is doing laundry and Lincoln pops out, scaring her.]

Lincoln: Mother, if I can have your attention for just a moment. [shows her a slide show of the band] SMOOCH. They've been called one of the seminal rock bands of our time.

Rita: No, Lincoln.

[Lynn Sr. is in the kitchen making dinner and goes to the cupboard where Lincoln pops out with a chart.]

Lincoln: Hi, Dad. Thought you might be interested in this graph, which shows a direct correlation between rock concerts attended and a tween's sense of well-being.

Lynn Sr.: No, Lincoln. [grabs a can and closes the cupboard on his son.]

[The parents are reading on the sofa and Lincoln peeks over and pops in.]

Lincoln: You may be wondering, "What's in it for us if we buy Lincoln that SMOOCH ticket?" Well, I'll tell you. [holds up a coupon] A coupon for five Lily diaper changes. Max two poopies.

Lynn Sr. and Rita: No!

[Lincoln goes upstairs]

Lincoln: I can't believe I'm not going to the concert! Me, the Master of Convincing!

Luna: [comes out of Lynn and Lucy's room with her guitar.] What's up, bro?

Lincoln: [sighs] I had a chance to meet SMOOCH tonight, but I can't convince Mom and Dad to buy me a ticket. [sighs again]

Lisa: [comes out of her room] How is that possible? As you have amply demonstrated, you are the Master of Convincing.

Leni: Did you remember to play to my strengths?

Lori: No, Leni, you play to your strengths; he plays to his.

Leni: Okay. Just saying. [holds up her closet organizer] It worked for me. My skirts look so happy!

Lincoln: Wait a minute! You might be onto something. Everything I told you guys to do worked. Luna, can I borrow your guitar!

Luna: You kiddin' me, dude? No way!

Lincoln: [frustrated] Ahh! I can't convince anyone of anything!

Luna: I'm just messin' with ya, bro. [hands him the guitar as he softly chuckles.]

[Now, Lincoln is doing what Luna did.]

Lincoln: _And that's why I need a ticket to SMOOCH_ I say SMOOCH, you say tickets! SMOOCH!

Rita and Lynn Sr.: No!

Lincoln: SMOOCH!

Rita: Lincoln...

Lincoln: Wait! Not done yet! [puts down the guitar and uses Mr. Coconuts.] What kind of flowers do you bring to a SMOOCH concert? Tulips! Get it?

Lynn Sr.: No, Lincoln!

Lincoln: [still as Mr. Coconuts] You know, tulips. Like, two lips.

Rita: We get the joke, but you still can't go.

Lincoln: Not done! [holds a basketball] "If I make this shot, I get to go!" [throws the ball but misses the hoop and gets hit by the ball.] "Oof!"

Rita: Son-

Lincoln: [puts buckets on his parents' head to do what Lisa did.] Behold, a simulation of a future in which you bought me a SMOOCH VIP ticket.

Lynn Sr.: I don't see anything.

Rita: Please tell me this isn't the bucket we clean the bathroom with.

Lincoln: Moving on! [takes the buckets off, brings in Lucy's gravestone with his name taped over Lucy's and pretends to do a eulogy.] Today, we remember Lincoln Loud, who lived to be 150, but never got over the dashed childhood dream of hanging out with SMOOCH.

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, please, we-

Lincoln: Not done! [puts on makeup and does what the twins did in a cutesy tone.] If you get me that ticket, I'll be the happiest wittle boy in the world.

Rita: You're not listening, honey. We-

Lincoln: Hold on! [Lincoln runs off and returns with a canvas and makes a crudley drawn picture of him at the SMOOCH concert] I call this piece um...: "Kid at a Rock Concert"?

Rita: That's very nice, Lincoln. But-

Lincoln: Not done! [puts on makeup and does what the twins did in a cutesy tone.] If you get me that ticket, I'll be the happiest wittle boy in the world.

Rita: You're not listening, honey. We-

Lincoln: Not done! [starts talking fast and a bunch like Lori and Leni did.] I really wanna go, it's an amazing opportunity, and I know I saw them before, but this is different because the seats would be better, and I'm also going to get to go backstage, and-

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln-

Lincoln: Hold that thought. [holds up a SMOOCH concert and pretends to cry, which Lily gives a thumbs down.]

Rita: Lincoln, it doesn't matter how you ask us, the answer is no.

Lynn Sr.: We'd love to get you the ticket, but we're out of money. We gave it all to your sisters.

Rita: Maybe if you'd asked us earlier in the day.

[Lincoln sulks and his turkey tail droops. His sisters look at what just happened and feel guilty.]

[Later that night, in Lincoln's room.]

Lincoln: [depressed] Well, that's it. I have officially missed the entire VIP concert. [sighs]

[Someone knocks on his door and slips an envelope under it. Lincoln opens it and finds a card inside.]

Lincoln: VIB: Very Important Brother?

[Rock music starts playing]

Lincoln: Huh?

[He peeks outside and sees Luna in her Mick shirt and some makeup to look like a SMOOCH member.]

Luna: Hey, bro! [plays her guitar] ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

[All of his sisters except Lucy, and even Mr. Coconuts, are dressed up like SMOOCH members and start playing a song.]

Sisters except Lucy and Lily:

 _Lincoln Loud, Lincoln Loud, the best dang brother anywhere around_

 _Lincoln Loud, Lincoln Loud, the best dang brother anywhere around_

Luna:

 _He helped me get this T that's sweaty_

Luan as Mr. Coconuts:

 _He helped me get red carpet ready_

Leni:

 _He helped us buy that closet thing_

[Lori nudges Lucy]

Lucy:

 _I told you, guys. I don't wanna sing._

Laney:

 _Your a cool brother, yes siree! All I can say is, merci!_

Lincoln: Wow. [turns to the viewers] Can you believe this? My sisters are pretty cool. [Turns back to his sisters] Even if I can't see SMOOCH, this is definitely the next best thing!

Luna: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SMOOCH!

Lincoln: [shocked] What?

[SMOOCH's tour bus stops right at the Loud House and Lincoln comes out.]

Lincoln: How did you get SMOOCH?

Luna: We've learned to be pretty convincing, thanks to some advice from the master!

Everyone except Lucy and Lily:

 _Lincoln Loud, Lincoln Loud, the best dang brother anywhere around_

 _Lincoln Loud, Lincoln Loud, the best dang brother anywhere around_

[Lisa, Lola and Lana take Lincoln to the VIB section.]

Lincoln: Wow. The guys are never going to believe this.

[To his surprise, Clyde, Liam and Zach are there, too.]

Clyde: We wouldn't, except we're right here!

Pucker:

 _Your sisters told us that you went so far_

 _To help them out, you're a real rock star_

 _Everyone has had their fun_

 _The song is over, so we gotta RUUUUUUUUUUN!_

 _BA-BA-BA-BA-BOW!_

[In the middle lyric, Lincoln's sisters hug him. At that very last lyric, the giant cybernetic bug from Lisa's virtual reality simulation's glitch emerges from the house and everyone runs away at the very sight of it as the episode irises out and Lily giggles off screen.]


	76. No Laughing Matter

**No Laughing Matter**

[One morning in the kitchen, Lincoln comes in yawning in his pajamas while Luan pours a glass of fruit juice.]

Luan: Hey, Lincoln. Want some punch?

Lincoln: Sure!

[Luan takes out an extendable boxing glove and punches her brother with it, sending him flying and screaming through the kitchen and laughs at his expense.]

Luan: If that joke knocked you out, don't miss my performance in the Junior Comedian's Contest this Saturday at the Chortle Portal. [holds up a flyer for the contest and gives it to Lincoln.] It's sure to generate a lot of... [offers to help Lincoln up, and shocks him with a joy buzzer in her hand.] ...buzz! [laughs and runs off]

[Lori and Leni are putting on their makeup in the bathroom. Lori with a mascara and Leni with a lipstick Luan barges in, making them ruin their faces.]

Luan: Did you guys hear that the lipstick and the eyeliner got into a fight? Don't worry. They'll makeup! [laughs and nudges Leni] Get it?

[Lori and Leni sigh as Luan gives them a flyer.]

Luan: Come see me perform in the Junior Comedian's Contest this Saturday. It'll definitely leave you feeling... [flushes the toilet] ...flushed!

[Luna screams from the toilet flushing because she's taking a shower. Luan gives her older sister a flyer much to her annoyance. Lisa is busy working on some chemicals only for Luan to barge in.]

Luan: Hey, Lisa, what's 3.14159?

Lisa: Pfft. Don't waste my time. That's pi.

Luan: Did you say pie? [pelts Lisa with one and laughs] I'll be serving up a big slice of comedy at the Chortle Portal, Saturday night. [gives Lisa a flyer]

[Outside, Laney was painting a self portrait of a teddy bear. Just then Luan appeared]

Luan: Hey, Laney! Why did the bear turned red?

Laney: Um.. I don't know.

Luan: Because he was... [Splashes paint all over Laney's painting] Em-BEAR-assed! [Laughs, Laney growls at her for ruining her painting] If you think that performance is colorful, then you should check out my act at the Chortle Portal this saturday! [Hands Laney a flier] I'm sure to make a _splash!_ [laughs and walks away. Laney crumples up the flier]

[Lisa wipes her glasses' lenses with the flyer. Lynn and Lucy's room.]

Luan: [knocking on Lucy's coffin] Knock knock!

Lucy: [from inside] Who's there?

Luan: Ivan.

Lucy: Ivan who?

Luan: [opens the coffin holding Edwin as Lucy hissed; Transylvanian accent.] Ivan to suck your blood!

Lucy: Please don't touch Edwin. [takes Edwin back and closes her coffin.]

Luan: Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to be a pain in the neck! [laughs] Hey, come see my act at the Chortle Portal. [puts the flyer inside the coffin] I promise it won't bite! [laughs]

[As she leaves, she places a whoopee cushion on Lucy's desk where Lynn arrived with her football and sits down and falls for the trick.]

Luan: Gas what? You're invited, too! [gives Lynn a flyer]

[Lola and Lana's room. Lola is having a tea party with her dolls.]

Lola: Thank you all for coming to my tea party. Who would like a finger sandwich? [offers them]

[Mr. Coconuts suddenly appears on the tray.]

Luan: [voicing Mr. Coconuts] Finger sandwich? I was hoping for toe-fu! Har har! Get it, toots? [Lola gets annoyed as Luan gives her a flyer.] Don't be a dummy. Come to my show. [gives more to Lola's dolls and leaves.]

[The living room. The other siblings are talking about what Luan did to them earlier.]

Lincoln: I got punched!

Luna: I got flushed!

Lisa: I got pie'd.

Laney: [Holds up her painting] My painting is ruined!

Lola: [unimpressed] Toe-fu? Really?

[Enter Lana with an egg yolk and a flyer on her head; she sighs.]

Lincoln: Let me guess. Luan?

Lana: Ugh. She said she had a "yolk" that would "crack me up". PS: it didn't.

[Luan is coming downstairs with Mr. Coconuts and hears what they're saying.]

Laney: I don't know about you guys. But I'm getting sick and tired of Luan's jokes!

Lynn: You got that right! I can't wait for her Chortle Portal thing to be over. [while bouncing her basketball] She's been driving me nuts!

Lola: [getting a manicure from Leni] Tell me about it! It's not even funny! It's just obnoxious!

Leni: She's so annoying!

Laney: I know, right?

Lincoln: I wish she would just stop!

Lola: Yeah!

Leni: Totes!

Lori: Seriously!

Lana: I know! It's not cool!

[Upon hearing this, Luan becomes depressed, closes Mr. Coconuts' eyes, and walks back upstairs.]

[The next day, same setup as yesterday with Lincoln and Luan.]

Lincoln: [notices Luan pouring fruit punch and flinches.] Oh, boy. Is that punch?

Luan: Yep. Want some?

Lincoln: [holding a skillet] Not this time!

[He holds it up for protection, but to his surprise, Luan just pours a glass and gives him some.]

Lincoln: Oh. Thanks?

[Luan walks off and goes to the bathroom to see Lori and Leni doing what they did yesterday.]

Luan: Hey, guys, do you know what happened to my hairbrush?

Lori: [sarcastic] I don't know, Luan. What did happen to your hairbrush?

Luan: Oh. Never mind. There it is. [takes it and leaves much to the befuddlement of her older sisters.]

Luna: [pops her head out of the shower.] That was totally weird, dudes.

Leni: I know. She didn't even do this. [flushes the toilet, making Luna scream from the hot water.]

[Lisa and Lily's room]

Lisa: [finishing a math equation] Chyeah! I solved it! I do not know why Pythagoras couldn't hack this one. It's a piece of cake.

Luan: [enters] Did you just say piece of cake?

Lisa: [nervous] Oh, boy. Here comes the dessert projectile! [puts on a gas mask for protection.]

Luan: [looking at the equation] 'Cause it looks really hard to me. Congratulations. [shakes Lisa's hand and leaves]

Lisa: [baffled] Felicitations instead of frosting? I don't understand.

[Luan goes into Lucy and Lynn's room.]

Luan: [knocking] Knock knock.

Lucy and Lynn: [sarcastic] Who's there?

Luan: Me. I need to borrow a dollar.

Lucy and Lynn: [expecting a punchline] Me. I need to borrow a dollar who?

Luan: Fine. If you're not gonna help me, I'll just go ask Lola. [leaves]

[Lucy and Lynn look at each other shocked. Lola is having another tea party in her room. Enter Luan.]

Luan: Hey, Lola, can I borrow a dollar?

Lola: [thinking it's a pun] Oh, heh-heh. I get it. Doll-ar. [points to her doll] Very funny. [awkwardly realizes] Oh. You...actually want a dollar. [unzips her teddy bear, gets out her cash stash, and gives Luan a dollar.]

Luan: Thanks. [leaves]

[Outside, Laney was painting another painting of a teddy bear when Luan comes over again]

Luan: Hey, Laney. Why is that bear all red?

Laney: [Stood behind the painting] Oh no! Not this time!

Luan: [Pushes Laney aside and started painting it] Your using too much blush on it's face. There. [Luan leaves and Laney looked at her painting and was befuddled]

Laney: Uh, Luan? Aren't you going to make a joke about how red my bear is? [Luan kept walking back inside ignoring Laney] Luan?

[The other siblings are in the kitchen having a snack.]

Lola: Okay, you guys, Luan's been acting really weird. She just asked me for money but didn't make any joke or pun about it.

Lana: [jokingly] Oh? She didn't want any cheddar? Or lettuce? Or bread?"[pulls out one part of her sandwich on each word in the form of a pun and Lola shakes her head no; shocked.] Whoa. That is weird.

Lisa: Come to think of it, she missed the perfect opportunity to cake me.

Lucy: She knocked on my coffin just to ask for a dollar.

Laney: In fact, she missed EVERY opportunity for her to crack a joke or pun.

Leni: Maybe we should see if she's okay.

Lincoln: [relieved] Or...maybe we should just be grateful for the break. I say we celebrate.

Laney: Aren't you guys a little suspicious? I mean, never in our entire lives has Luan missed a joke opportunity.

Lisa: True. But now that Luan has dropped her continuous displays of humor, street name: jokes. We can finally enjoy pie without having it propelled into our faces. [opens the fridge and takes out a pie] Let's seize this opportunity!

[All except Laney cheer]

While the others were enjoying their pie not thrown at their faces. Laney couldn't help wonder why Luan has suddenly stopped pulling pranks and cracking jokes. So she selfly volunteered to go upstairs to check on her to see if she's okay.

[Luan was reading a book in her room when Laney knocked at her door]

Laney: Knock knock. [Luan was silent] Uh. Heh heh... yeah. So I don't wanna be a bother but, we were just wondering why the sudden lack of jokes lately?

Luan: Why do you care? You guys think my jokes are annoying.

Laney: Oh that? You see, we were just venting about-

Luan: [As she pushed Laney out of her room] You don't need to explain yourself, Laney. I get it, my jokes aren't funny. Not to you, my siblings, or anyone else. So, I decided I'm not going to the Chortal Portal or doing anymore jokes or pranks.

Laney: What are you saying?

Luan: I'm giving up comedy forever.

Laney: WHAT!? [Luan closes the door. Laney bashes on the door] Luan! Please reconsider! We didn't mean to make you give up your passion! We just wanted you to stop doing jokes... no wait that didn't sound right. [Luan opens the door]

Luan: Laney? [Lanes smiles at her] If you see Lincoln. Tell he can throw all these away. [Drops a pile of her comedy props on Laney then closes the door again. Laney's smile immedeatly drops]

[In the kitchen, the other sisters are enjoying the pie. Laney walks in depressed]

Lincoln: What's the matter, Laney. You want some pie?

Laney: No thanks... [Sits down]

Lincoln: What's wrong?

Laney: I'll tell you what's wrong! Thanks to us, Luan has given up comedy forever!

Lincoln: What?

Leni: Wow. Then her show at the Chortle Portal is gonna be really bad.

Laney: No! Don't you get it? She's giving up EVRYTHING about comedy! Including her show at the Chortle Portal!

[The siblings gasp]

Lola: But that was a big deal for her! She wrote about it in her diary! [notices all of them turning to and glaring at her; nervously.] Probably!

Lori: We have to convince her to do the show!

Laney: Guys, this is more than just the Chortle Portal. Comedy was Luan's life, her passion. But we took that away from her by complaining about it.

Lana: Well she has to get it back! We've got until tomorrow night until the show. We can come up with something.

Lincoln: Already did. Guys, huddle up.

[They all huddle]

[The hallway. Lola is whistling casually and hears the bathroom door opening. She takes out a banana, peels it, and tosses the peel on the floor right on cue as Luan walks in.]

Lola: [acting] Uh-oh! I dropped my banana peel! I wouldn't want anyone to slip on it! [awaits Luan's response]

Luan: Maybe then pick it up. [walks downstairs as Lola looks sad.]

[The kitchen. Lincoln has a bunch of pies.]

Lincoln: [acting] Hey, Luan! I just made six cream pies, but I can't think of what to do with them! [awaits]

Luan: I don't know. You could eat two, I guess, and then give the rest to charity. [gets an apple from the fridge and goes up to her room.]

Luna: [on her drums, acting] Man, I've been practicing my rimshots all day! If only I had a reason to bust one out! [awaits]

Luan: Well, good luck with that. [leaves much to the rocker's sadness.]

[Downstairs in the living room, Lori and Leni are looking out a window.]

Lori: [acting] Gee, Leni, it sure is wet outside.

Leni: [acting] How wet is it?

[They notice Luan]

Lori: I don't know. Luan, how wet is it?

Luan: [looks out the window] Pretty wet, but I think it's clearing up. [walks away to their concern.]

[Upstairs, Laney came up to Luan's door and knocked on it]

Laney: [Acting] Knock, knock. [Luan ignored her] Gee, I wonder if there's anyone here? And if they are, I wonder how will the know _who's there?_ [Winks] You can't tell, but on the other side of this door I'm winking! [Luan rolls her eyes]

[Sibling meeting in Lori and Leni's room.]

Lincoln: Okay, everyone, clearly, the joke setups are not working.

Lynn: I know! I'm pitching her the sweetest meatballs, and she's not even swinging!

Lincoln: Don't worry. I have another plan. We're gonna skip the jokes and go straight to the laughs.

Lynn: What does that mean?

Lincoln: All homers and no pitches.

Lynn: [inspired] I like it!

Laney: So, we're just gonna laugh at everything Luan says? How's that gonna work?

Lincoln: Trust me. The whole point of this plan is to make Luan think she's funny. And this is the way to do it!

[The others agree and cheer]

[The next day in the kitchen, Lynn is drinking a protein shake which Luan can't help but notice.]

Luan: That looks gross.

Lynn: [spits in her face and laughs] Oh my gosh, Luan! Ha! Zing! Ha ha!

[Luan looks annoyed and joins Lincoln who's drinking some water in the living room.]

Luan: Hey, what are you watching?

Lincoln: [spits in her face and laughs] Oh my gosh, Luan! Oh, wow. You are hilarious!

[Luan is more annoyed. Laney was reading a book and drinking grape juice]

Luan: Hey, Laney. What are you reading?

Laney: [Spits in her face and laughs] HA HA HA HA HA HA! What book am I... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, you're a riot, Luan! [Continues laughing]

[Luan is annoyed again. Luna is brushing her teeth in the bathroom as Luan enters.]

Luan: Are you gonna be done in here soon?

Luna: [spits in her face and laughs] Dude! Done in here soon! Too much, man!

Luan: [wipes the toothpaste from her face; annoyed] Alright! Everyone out here, now!

[Her siblings gather with big phony smiles on their faces.]

Luan: I see what you guys are doing, and it's not going to work. I'm done with comedy.

Leni: [spits her soda in her face] Done with comedy! Ha! Classic Luan.

Luan: [frustrated] Leni, knock it off!

Leni: [obliviously jubilant] Who's there?

[Luan growls and walks downstairs.]

Lincoln: We can't give up!

Leni: [spits in his face] Can't give up! Ha! Too funny! You guys, this is so much fun.

[Everyone facepalms in annoyance except Lily.]

[Later, Lincoln carries Luan's old props to the other sisters who are listening to something.]

Lincoln: Guys! I think I've got the answer!

Lucy: No need. Lisa beat you to it.

Lisa: I've calibrated my time machine to send us back two minutes before Luan overheard us criticizing her.

Lincoln: That is pretty good.

Lisa: Small disclaimer: the journey may result in our butts being in front.

Lori: [immediately turning to Lincoln with her other sisters, not wanting that.] Lincoln, what's your plan?

Lincoln: Well, we can't convince Luan she's funny, right? But what if an audience can?

Luna: How's that gonna happen, dude?

Lincoln: Leave it to me. You just make sure she's at the Chortle Portal at 8:00. [leaves]

Lana: [to Lisa] Can you still put my butt in front?

[The Chortle Portal]

Lori: Thanks for coming with us, Luan.

Luan: Sure. Just because I'm not funny doesn't mean I can't enjoy someone else's comedy. [Pauses for a second] Wait, does it?

Laney: Don't worry about it.

MC: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Junior Comedian's Night! Please give a hearty Chortle Portal welcome to our first comedian, Lincoln Loud!

[The crowd cheers]

Luan: [baffled] Lincoln?

[Lincoln runs on stage with Luan's joke notebooks. He drops them and picks them up, but hits his head on the mic which he steadies.]

Luan: And what's he doing with my joke notebooks?

Lincoln: [nervously clears his throat] Hello, Royal Woods! So, did you hear that the lipstick and the eyeliner got into a fight? Because...seven ate nine!

Luan: [gasps] That's the wrong punchline!

Lincoln: Never mind. [flips through pages] Here's one I know you're gonna love. Why did the chickpea cross the road?

[Luan makes a look of discomfort.]

Lincoln: "Wait. That doesn't make sense. Oh. Chicken! This writing is really hard to read." [tosses the notebooks and improvises] Why did the students eat their homework? Because their teacher said it would be a piece of pie! [hits himself with a pie]

Luan: [fed up] No, no, no! [gets up on stage, having fallen for it. She picks up the stand with the microphone on it and pokes her brother with it.] The punchline is piece of cake! [takes out a cake and hits Lincoln with it.]

[Everyone laughs at that bit of slapstick much to Luan's surprise.]

Luan: [inspired] Oh. [chuckles lightly] His delivery was a little crummy. [the audience laughs. Luan smiles] But don't worry. Things are about to get batter. [the audience laughs some more] Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a head, but the tomato was trying to ketchup!

[The audience laughs, as do Luan's siblings, knowing that she's funny after all and back to her old self.]

Luan: Why couldn't Timmy ride a bicycle? Because Timmy was a goldfish!

[The audience continues laughing at Luan's material.]

[The next morning, Luan enters the kitchen much to her siblings' delight.]

Leni: There she is! The winner of the Junior Comedian's Contest! [hugs Luan]

Luan: Oh. [Hugs Leni back] I owe it all to you guys. Lincoln, thanks for stinking on purpose so I'd get up on stage.

Lincoln: [pretending that was his plan] Uh...yes. On purpose. Of course. [smiles nervously]

Laney: We're gonna pretend that's your plan.

Lori: We think you're really funny, and we're proud of you. We're sorry we said that harsh stuff about you.

Luan: [gets her breakfast] Thanks. That means a lot. And I know I can be a little bit much sometimes. I'll try to tone it down.

Laney: I think we all learned today to be more respective of other people's passions. Even if they are a bit annoying. [The other siblings agree. Luan bumps into Lana]

Lana: Whoops! [trips]

[Luan tries to hold it in, not wanting to burst out into puns.]

Lori: Go ahead. You can say it.

Luan: [beams and lets it out] Your breakfast is toast! And that's no yolking matter! If you scramble, you can make another!

Lincoln: [pats her back] It's good to have you back. [walks away]

Luan: Hey, why are you heading for the egg-sit? I'm bacon you to come back! [laughs as the iris stops on her] I crack myself up. [continues laughing as the iris closes completely.]


	77. No Spoilers

**No Spoilers**

[Leni is on the sofa with Cliff who is blinking to her through a looking hole.]

Leni: [gasps at Cliff's blinking] O-M-Gosh! What does that mean?

[It's revealed that Lincoln is viewing them through a periscope. He retracts it and heads into Leni and Lori's room where the other sisters and their dad are gathered and closes the door.]

Lincoln: Okay, Leni should be occupied for a while. I told her she can communicate with Cliff by blinking.

Lori: [bangs her shoe gavel] I call this meeting to order!

Lincoln: [to the viewers] We've tried throwing a few surprise parties in this family, but it's always gone wrong. And we all know why. Or should I say, who?

[Flashback to one surprise party. Lynn is watching from the door's window and gets down.]

Lynn: Okay, she's coming. Everyone hide.

[Lincoln, Luna, Luan, Laney ,Lucy, Lana, Lola, and Lisa hide and Lily covers her eyes. Leni is outside with a party hat and present and Lori walks up to the door.]

Lori: Leni, what are you doing?

Leni: Shh! I'm hiding for your surprise party.

[Everyone inside groans at the spoiler. Flashback to another ruined surprise with Lisa looking angry and holding something.]

Lisa: Siblings, I am perplexed as to why I have just received an invitation to my own surprise birthday party.

Leni: Oh! I sent that. I wanted to make sure you'd be there.

[Lori shuts her up and the others groan disappointed. Switch to another flashback with Leni talking to Luna and holding dresses.]

Leni: Luna, should I wear the pink or blue dress to your surprise party?

Luna: [upset] Dude!

Leni: [clueless] What?

[Enter Luan wearing two yellow and brown striped party hats.]

Luan: I pink you just blue the surprise!" [laughs] "Get it? But seriously, you ruined it.

[End flashbacks]

Lincoln: Well, this year, we want to throw a surprise party for Mom, which means, as much as we love her, we have to keep Leni out of it.

Lori: [showing a card of her cleaning up] Okay, guys, let me break it down for you. I'll do the cleaning. [switches to a card of Lola and Lynn with treats.] Lola and Lynn are on food. [switches to a card of Lucy and Lana with balloons and streamers.] Lana and Lucy will do the decorations. [switches to a card with Luna and Luan performing and Lisa with a list.] Luan and Luna will handle entertainment. Lisa will be in charge of the guest list. [Switches to a picture of Laney holding a clipboard] Laney will plan the whole party. [switches to a card of their parents leaving the house.] And Dad will get Mom out of the house.

Lincoln: What about me? What's my job?

Lori: You have the most important job of all. [switches to a card of Leni with a caption that says "Just make Lincoln do it".] You have to keep Leni distracted till Mom comes home. If she's coming our way, just yell a code word. Let's make it "daffodil".

Lincoln: Uh, can it be something cooler? Like serpent or quasar or-

[Leni comes in and the others scream, as does Leni.]

Leni: Is this how we're saying hello now? I like it! Don't mind me. Just getting my polish. [grabs her polish] Cliff blinked that he wants me to do his nails. Oh, by the way, while I have you guys, it's Mom's birthday today! I was thinking we should throw her one of our famous Loud Family surprise parties. If everyone agrees, I'll go tell her right now!

Lori: Uh, actually, I don't think Mom wants a party this year. Let's just keep it low-key.

Lynn Sr.: Yeah. Totes.

Sisters: Definitely. Low-key.

Lincoln: Uh, hey, Leni, while you're here, I have some urgent fashion questions for you.

[While Lincoln has Leni distracted, the rest of their family sneaks out of the room.]

Leni: Lincoln, all fashion questions are urgent.

[Downstairs, the other sisters see their parents leaving.]

Lynn Sr.: [acting] Okay, kids, we're leaving now! I'm taking your mother shopping because I love to shop! [goes out the door, winks to them, and closes the door.]

Lucy: We should stop including Dad in the surprise party planning, too.

[Later, Laney was putting on glasses, a necktie, and holding a clipboard]

Laney: Official party planner Laney reporting for duty! [Reads clipboard] Lets see. Decorations. [Walks over to the living room and sees Lucy putting black streamers and Lana inflating brown balloons] Uh. Great job guys. But do you think we should use a brighter color for these decorations?

Lucy: We have to keep it low key, remember?

Laney: I know but something about this doesn't scream... [Sees Leni coming down the stairs] Leni!?

Lana and Lucy: Leni?

Laney: No! Leni! [Lana and Lucy then notice Leni]

Lucy: [panicking] Ah!

[They get their decorations out of sight and one of Lana's balloons whizzes around letting out its air.]

Leni: [thinking she farted] Oh, sorry, guys. Must've been something I ate. [goes to the kitchen]

[In the kitchen, Lola is frosting the cake and Lynn is pouring hot sauce on a sandwich. Enter Leni.]

Leni: Hey, guys!

[The food making sisters yelp. Lynn slaps her sandwich away and Lola sits on her cake.]

Leni: Oh, right. I forgot our new greeting. [screams and gets a glass of water while Charles is eating the sandwich; stops with inspiration.] Ooh, Lola, your cake chair just gave me an idea. Even if we're not throwing Mom a party, maybe we should make her favorite cake.

Lynn: You heard what Lori said. We're keeping it low-key.

[Enter Lincoln sweating and still panicking.]

Lincoln: DAFFODIL! [breathes heavily]

Leni: [misinterpreting] You're not ready for floral prints, Lincoln.

[Later, upstairs]

Laney: Okay, minor setback. I'm sure Lincoln is keeping Leni control. Now what's next? [Laney looks at the clipboard] Ah, entertainment. [As Luan and Luna come out of their room with props for the show] Okay, so here's what I'm thinking: Luna you perform a guitar solo of "Happy Birthday to You". Then Luan can tell jokes centered on mom. [Luan and Luna nodded and closed the door loudly]

Lori: [from the bathroom in a cleaning outfit.] Keep it down, guys. Leni will hear.

Laney: [Whsipering] Sorry.

[Luna, Luan, and Laney start tiptoeing down the hallway, but Luan's joke teeth fall out. Luna trips over it, yelps, lands with a thud and drops her instruments, making a loud crashing sound.]

Leni: [having heard the commotion] What was that?

Lincoln: Nothing! I didn't hear Luna drop her cymbals! [realizes what he said] Uh, I mean... [sees Leni heading for the door] DAFFODIL! DAFFODIL!

[Luan and Luna hide their props and stand casually as Leni comes by with Lincoln behind her.]

Lincoln: Luna, you gotta- [slips on Luna's drum, falls down the stairs, and lands with Walt flying around his head like a cartoon bird; dazed.] Daffodil...

[Lucy and Lana get rid of their decorations.]

Laney: Are you okay?

Lisa: Lincoln, you need to get your proverbial act together.

Lucy: Yeah. We'll never get this done if we have to keep starting over.

[Leni comes down the stairs with Lori right behind her.]

Leni: Are you okay, Lincoln? If you wanna jump down the stairs, I have just the thing: parachute pants! [notices something] Oh, Lana, those popped balloons on your hat just gave me an idea! I know we're not having a party, but shouldn't we at least do a little decorating for Mom's birthday?

Lisa: To repeat, keeping it low-key.

Lincoln: [gets an idea] But you know what we could use? A great card! Maybe one with a camel, in a space suit. Uh, that's also scratch-and-sniff. And that also says "Happy birthday from your 12 kids".

Leni: Adorbs! But where would I find one?

Lincoln: The Hazeltucky Party Outlet!

Leni: Hmm. That's, like, three bus rides away. But it's for Mom, and she's totes worth it. Bye! [leaves]

Lana: [locks her brother into a playful noogie] Nice thinking, big brother!

Laney: Yeah! There's no possible way she'll ever find a card lke that.

Lucy: Can someone help me with the streamers?

[Leni comes back and the others gasp. Lori grabs Lucy and tosses her to the other side of the room.]

Lucy: Ah! [crashes off-screen]

Leni: I forgot my shoes! [looks down and sees she's wearing them] Oh, wait. No I didn't. 'Kay, bye! [leaves again]

[Everyone sighs relieved]

Lori: Okay, we lost some valuable time, but we can still do this. Everyone back to work!

[Later]

Laney: Ah. Now that Leni's gone we can finally go back to making the best birthday party Mom has ever had. [Walks over to Lana and Lucy] How are we doing with the decorations, girls?

Lana: Not so good, Lanes. I think I'm out of balloons.

Laney: Well, can you find a way to replace them?

Lana: Hmm... Ooh, I know! My emergency stash of ABC gum! [She gets some gum from under the banister, chews a piece, and blows a grody bubble to act as a balloon. Laney shudders]

Laney: Uhh.. okay. We can work with this... At least, Lucy's not having trouble with the streamers. [Lucy runs out of streamers and uses some of Lana's emergency toilet paper from her pocket to act as a substitute. Lana walks away.] And your using toilet paper.. Still, not a problem... I'll get back to you. [Laney walks away and over to Lynn and Lola. Laney looks at Lynn making another sandwich and dumping a jar of jalapenos on it.] Uh, Lynn? Aren't you worried that too spicy for mom?

Lynn: Nah. I know the mom-ster. She can handle anything. [She takes a taste, gets her face red, feels steam coming out of her eyes, screams, and thuds.] Still not hot enough. [pours more Tabasco sauce on it. Laney looks at the cake Lola was making]

Laney: Lola. What kind cake is that?

[Lola takes a taste of her cake and suddenly gets a serious sugar rush while running around and wailing like crazy.]

Lola: [normal] Mm...still not sweet enough. [pours a sack of sugar onto the cake. Laney becomes worried]

Laney: This isn't good. So far the party planning isn't planning out perfectly. I just don't see what' wrong! Maybe it's... No. Don't worry, Laney. I'm sure this isn't your fault. I'm sure Lisa's got the guest list down.

[Later, the team is finished with their plans and are waiting for the guests when the doorbell rings.]

Lisa: The guests have arrived.

Laney: Oh! Good! At least we got that well taken care of. [Lisa opens the door]

[Enter Flip eating a bag of chips and smacking his fingers like a slob.]

Flip: How do! Flip has a policy of never showing up empty-handed, so here! [hands Lisa his so-called gift.]

Lisa: [sarcastically deadpan] Expired milk? Gee, how thoughtful.

Flip: You're welcome [belches] Eh, where's the grub?

[Enter Mr. Grouse]

Mr. Grouse: Eh, someone turn on the boob tube. [sits down next to Lana and turns on the TV.] Ooh, color. Fancy.

[Enter Dr. Feinstein]

Lisa: Dr. Feinstein! Greetings.

[Dr. Feinstein tips his hat to her and gives her a toothbrush. Laney looked on shocked with her left eye twitching]

Lucy: How in the world did you come up with this abysmal guest list?

Lisa: According to my algorithm, the people Mother encounters most are her employer, our cantankerous neighbor, and the owner of our local convenience store.

Lucy: Just because she encounters them doesn't mean she likes them.

Lisa: Well, just because she uses toilet paper doesn't mean she'll find it a suitable party decoration.

Lana: Ugh, I told you we should've just stuck with my brown balloons.

Lynn: [sarcastic] Yeah, because everyone wants their party to look like Cliff's litter box. [Laney looked like she was about to breakdown]

Lincoln: Laney? Are you feeling okay?

Laney: [With a forced smile] I'm fine, Lincoln. Maybe... Luan's having better luck.. finding good jokes?

[Enter Luan down the banister.]

Luan: Hey, guys, I got some great jokes for the party. [clears throat] Boy, Mom is so old, her social security number is 1! I would have invited guests for Mom's first birthday party, but they're all extinct!

Laney: Those are not the jokes I had in mind...

Lori: I don't think Mom wants to hear jokes about how old she is.

Luna: Boss man's got a point, dude. Why don't we just stick to my jams for the entertainment? [strums her guitar wildly and wails at the top of her lungs.]

Lola: [unplugs the guitar] Um, Mom is going to hate that! It'll make her ears bleed!

Luna: Right after her teeth fall out from eating your cake!

[Flip eats a piece of Lynn's sandwich from the buffet table and, due to its extreme spiciness, gets his mouth burned, tries to cool it down with the expired milk he brought, and spits it out over how gross it is.]

Lincoln: Lynn, what did you put in that sub? You're going to burn off Mom's taste buds!

Lynn: Don't criticize my job when you could barely do yours!

Laney: [Screams] ENOUGH! [All eyes were on Laney]

Luna: Woah. What's your deal, Lanes?

Laney: I'll tell you my deal! The food's apalling! The entertainment's bad! The guests are awful!

Flip: Hey, I resent that! [burps]

Laney: And this does not look like a birthday party for mom! [Takes off the glasses and the tie] I had one job to make sure mom had the best birthday surprise of her life. And I blew it!

Lori: No. We blew it. This party literally stinks.

Lincoln: You're right.

Lola: Look at this mess.

[The others agree]

Laney: [Sniffs] I just don't understand what went wrong.

Luan: Yeah. We've never thrown a bad party before.

Luna: Are we missing something?

Mr. Grouse: [changing the channels] Yeah! A decent sports package!

Lincoln: [gasps in realization] It's Leni!

Laney: Leni? But doesn't she just spoils the surprise?

Lincoln: Yes. But she's the only one who knows how to throw a good party.

Lynn: Lincoln's right. Leni actually thinks about what people like.

Lori: We need to call her and get her back here right now. [calls Leni]

[Over at the Hazeltucky Party Outlet, Leni is looking at the different cards and opens one. But at the same time, her phone rings, making her think something.]

Leni: [oblivious to her phone ringing] Ooh! A musical card! [closes it and opens it again at another ringing cue.] Mm. I don't think Mom would be into that. [puts it back] I like it, though. I should make it my ringtone.

[Back at the house]

Lori: She's not answering!

Lincoln: We have to go get her!

[The kids go to get Leni.]

Lisa: [to the three lousy guests] Sorry, gentlemen. The soiree has concluded.

[Mr. Grouse and Dr. Feinstein get up to leave.]

Flip: Hold up there, Four-Eyes! Flip also has a policy of never leaving a party empty-handed! [sacks up all the snacks] Hee, hee, hee! Okay, let's go. Come on, move it or lose it.

[They leave]

[It's late and the kids return without Leni.]

Lincoln: I guess we really blew it. We couldn't find Leni, and now we can't give Mom an decent-

[As he steps in and turns out the light, someone familiar greets him.]

Leni: SURPRISE!

[Leni has a present, decorations are everywhere, cheesy brass music is playing in the background, and guests include Auth Ruth, Albert, Pam, and two other women.]

Leni: Oh. It's you guys. Hurry up and hide. Mom will be home any minute.

Lori: Leni, what's going on?

Leni: [guilty] Don't be mad. I know you wanted to go low-key, but I found all this great stuff at the store, and I decided maybe we should go high-key. Doesn't Mom totally deserve it?

Laney: [Smiles] Yes. Yes she does. [Leni puts the present down and holds up the card Lincoln requested.]

Leni: Plus, I found that card you wanted me to get. It is totes cute. And it's a scratch and sniff, too! [scratches the camel]

Laney: Wait, they actually have this? Wow, Hazeltucky has everything.

Lola: [takes the card, sniffs it and gags] Ugh! Camel!

Lana: Give me that! [takes it, smells it, and feels intoxicated.] Ah, camel...

[At that moment, they hear their dad outside.]

Lynn Sr.: [acting] I guess I'll put in the key and open the front door now!

Leni: [gasps] Mom's here!

[Everyone gets into a hiding spot and the parents come in and the guests burst out.]

Kids and guests: SURPRISE!

Rita: [gasps with joy] Oh my goodness!

Leni: Happy birthday, Mom!

Rita: Oh, kids, you've really outdone yourselves. Look at these decorations. You remembered violet is my favorite color. [smells something] And do I small pad thai?

Leni: Yep. And German chocolate cake for dessert.

Rita: Thank you so much, kids. This is the perfect party.

Lincoln: Actually, you should thank Leni. We tried to do this without her, but it was a disaster.

Leni: [confused] What do you mean, you tried to do it without me?

Lincoln: Uh...yeah. We're sorry, Leni. We were afraid you'd spoil the surprise. We didn't realize you're the only one of us thoughtful enough to make a party really special.

Lori: In fact, from now on, how would you like to be our official party planner?

Leni: But i thought Laney was the party planner.

Laney: Not anymore. I thought I could handle the pressure of planning the perfect party. But I don't even know what mom likes. [Hands Leni her clipboard] Here. You deserve this more than me.

Leni: [claps excitedly] Yay! Thanks, you guys. [to her father] You hear that, Dad? I'm planning your surprise party next! But don't worry. I'll send you an invitation.

[Everyone else in the room facepalms from Leni's big spoiler.]

Laney: Maybe we should stop doing surprise parties.


	78. Read Aloud

**Read Aloud**

Lincoln: Guys, you're not gonna believe this! The library's having a contest. We can win an entire night at Spunk E. Pigeon's! [shows his family the flyer for the contest.]

[Transition to a commercial for the place.]

Announcer: [narrating] Spunk E. Pigeon's Pizza Palooza Paradise! Starring your favorite video games! Your favorite toppings! And your favorite hits!

Spunk E. [metallic tone] _Ooh, girl, if I could-_

Anamatronic Fish: _Ooh, girl_

Spunk E. and Fish: _Give you the world, girl_

Announcer: Spunk E. Pigeon's Pizza Palooza Paradise! You'll lose your mind!

[End commercial]

Sisters and parents: [excited] YOU MEAN ALL OF IT?!

Lincoln: Yeah! All to ourselves! We just have to read as many books as we can as a family.

Laney: Finally! A test of my wonderful reading skills!

Lynn Sr.: Well, hot dog, kids! We've got some reading to do!

Rita: To the library!

Lisa: [worried] Uh-oh. My overdue fines!

[Everyone starts heading out the door.]

Everyone except Lola: [chanting] Spunk E. Pigeon! Spunk E. Pigeon! Spunk E. Pigeon!

Lola: [nonchalantly] Reading, huh?

[Lincoln's expression changes to one of shock.]

Loud Family minus Lola: [chanting inside] The library! The library! The library!

Librarian Wetta: Shh!

Rita: [quietly] Whoops! Hush tones, kids.

Lynn Sr.: Hut hut!

[The family spreads out all over the library and goes to get their books. Laney walks through the library and looks at the books]

Laney: Let's see. [takes a book] "Life in The Navy"? [Takes the book back] No. [Takes another one] "Kiss Me in New York"? [Takes the book back] Never liked romance. [Finds a certain book and gasps] "John Ruby and the Strange Time Capsule"?! My favorite mystery series! [Runs over to the librarian] Oh, miss Wetta. I'd like to check this book out.

Librarian Wetta: Ah. A "John Ruby" book huh?

Laney: Yeah, I'm a bit of a fan. [Librarian Wetta checks out Laney's book]

Librarian Wetta: Here you go. [Gives the book back to Laney and as she leaves she notices Lisa wearing a cowboy hat and a mustache]

Laney: Huh?

Librarian Wetta: [suspicious] You look familiar.

Lisa: Oh, uh- [fake Texan accent] No, ma'am. I'm brand new to these here parts.

Laney: [Thoughts] _Really, Lisa?_

Librarian Wetta: Hmm...I swear I've seen you somewhere before.

[The rest of the family comes in with a plethora of books to check out.]

Librarian Wetta: [on desk phone] Emilio, I'm gonna need backup.

[Back home]

Lincoln: What did you get from the library, Lola? [Lola shows him a roll of stickers.] Stickers? Uh, I'm not sure those count as something to read.

Lola: Hmph. Reading's boring.

Lincoln: No, it's not. And we can't win the pizza party unless everyone in the family reads at least one book.

Lola: Well, tough tiaras, 'cause I'm not gonna do it! [goes upstairs]

Luna: Dudes, Lola's gonna blow our pizza party! What are we gonna do?

Lucy: Easy. We chain her up in the attic and tell the librarian she never existed. Lana just has to pretend she has a split personality.

Lana: I can do it!

Lynn Sr.: [unsure] Seems a little extreme?

Rita: [shakes her husband] Honey, there's pizza at stake here!

Laney: No! Isn't there another way we can get Lola to read?

Lincoln: Maybe there is. You heard Lola; she just thinks that reading is boring. So we need to help her see that it's not.

Rita: You're right. That makes more sense. [whispers to Lucy] Just in case, keep your chains handy.

[The kitchen. Lynn Sr. is reading the cookbook he checked out as Lola comes in.]

Lynn Sr.: [stagily excited] Whoa! You can make pancakes with just eggs and a banana? Boy, I tell ya, these cookbooks are a nonstop thrill ride. You wanna read one?

Lola: [with a bowl from the fridge] No. But when you've made those pancakes, give me a holler. Lola out. [leaves for the dining room]

Luan: [stagily laughing] This book is a hoot! I'm gonna have to get some ice for my knees, I've been slapping them so hard! Care to read one?

Lola: Sorry. Mom says I do too much slapping already. And biting. And shin kicking. And hair pulling. [leaves]

[Laney walks over to Lola holding her book]

Laney: Wow! I just came back from reading the latest "John Ruby' book. And It blew my mind! Especially the part where it was revealed in the picture frame John found in the principal's desk that... Oh, look at me being a spoiler. Wanna read it yourself?

Lola: No thank you. Mysteries hurt my brain.

[Upstairs, Lana is fixing up Lola's car with the aid of her mechanic manual.]

Lana: All fixed! It is amazing what you can learn from these auto repair books. Wanna read one, Lola?

Lola: Why? That's what I pay you for. [tosses Lana a sack] Eight crickets, as agreed. [goes to her room, puts her bowl on her tea party table and sits down.] Ugh.

[Lucy appears right behind her.]

Lucy: Hey, Lola. [Lola yelps and falls out of her seat.] Wanna check out volume one of the greatest romance of all time? He's a dark, brooding vampire. She's a misunderstood girl from the wrong side of the cemetery.

Lola: No thank you. I prefer Prince Charming to Prince Alarming.

[Enter Lincoln dressed as Ace Savvy.]

Lincoln: Well, how about volume one of the greatest crime-fighting duo of all time? He's an undercover hero with an ace up his sleeve. [holds up the Ace of Spades on cue.] His sidekick is-

Lola: Ugh! Stop! [shoves Lucy and Lincoln out of her room.] For the last time, I am not interested in reading any of your books!

Lincoln: We were going about this all wrong! Of course Lola's not interested in any of our books. We need to find ones that are right for her.

[The others agree with that statement. Lola is in the basement steam pressing her dress when Lincoln pops his head out of the mannequin.]

Lincoln: Hey, Lola! I know you don't want to read about Ace Savvy, but this time I have something that's perfect for you: the Bossy Twins! [gives Lola a Bossy Twins book.] They're first graders just like you and Lana, and they solve mysteries!

Lola: [looking at the cover; snidely] Do they ever solve the mystery of who gave them those hideous haircuts?

[Lincoln looks frustrated. Lola is making tea on the dining room table when Lincoln pops up.]

Lincoln: Hey, Lola, I've got the perfect book for you! It'll answer all of your burning questions about tea party etiquette.

Lola: [scoffs] I don't have any questions. I'm an expert.

Lincoln: Oh yeah? [opens a page] Do you know the proper serving temperature for Earl Grey?

Lola: 208 degrees Fahrenheit.

[Lincoln looks it up and, judging by the look on his face, finds out she's right. Lola is now watching TV and Lincoln pops up with another book.]

Lincoln: "Frankie the Friendly Fairy"?

Lola: Pass. I'm into unicorns now.

Lincoln: Aha! Then you love... [takes out another book] ..."Unicorn Universty"!

Lola: I've already seen the movie. Ugh. That's 99 minutes I'll never get back. [gets up and walks away] Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta tinkle.

[Lincoln goes upstairs and blocks the bathroom door.]

Lincoln: Come on, Lola! The contest ends tomorrow and you're letting everyone down! I'm not moving until you agree to read a book!

Lola: [reluctantly grabs one] Fine. Just give me the princess one. [goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.]

[The library]

Loud Family: WE'RE FINISHED!

Rita: The Loud Family would like to report 260 books read.

Librarian Wetta: Very impressive. The next highest family total is 23, and the contest ends at 5:00. [adds the Louds' name and total to the board in the lead.] You've got this wrapped up.

[The Louds cheer except Lola.]

Librarian Wetta: I'll just need you all to prove you read the books by giving you a book-by-book quiz.

Lynn Sr.: [determined] We're ready for anything!

Librarian Wetta: [takes Lynn Sr.'s cookbook.] You. Bread crust in a meatloaf: how much?

Lynn Sr.: Half a cup!

Librarian Wetta: Very good! [takes Lori's mystery novel] You! Twist ending! Go!

Lori: So, it turns out it wasn't even a student running the blog, it was a teacher! And he literally tried to frame Gabby with a laptop in her-

Librarian Wetta: That's enough. Very good. [takes Lily's book on animal sounds.] Now, what does the cow say?

Lily: Moo!

Librarian Wetta: Very good! [takes Lincoln's Ace Savvy book.] Ace Savvy's real name?

Lincoln: Spade Nifty!

Librarian Wetta: [with Rita's book] What time was Mr. Darcy's party?

Rita: 8:00 PM sharp!

Librarian Wetta: [with Lisa's science book.] Einstein's wives?

Lisa: [still in her cowboy disguise and accent.] Mileva, 1903-1919. Elsa, 1919-1936...y'all.

Librarian Wetta: [with Lana's auto repair manual.] Four-stroke engine cycle consists of-

Lana: Intake, compression, power, exhaust!

Librarian Wetta: [with Luan's joke book.] Sis boom bah!

Luan: The sound made when a sheep explodes!

Librarian Wetta: [with Luna's rock music history book.] Mick Swagger owes his entire career to-

Luna: Delta blues musician Murky Bottoms!

Librarian Wetta: [with Leni's fashion history book.] Fashion began with-

Leni: Charles Frederic Worth! First to sew a label!

Librarian Wetta: [with Lynn's sport history book.] The greatest of all time?

Lynn: Muhammad Ali! Also prettiest!

Librarian Wetta: [With Laney's Mystery Novel] Why was the picture of John's missing parents found in the principal's desk?

Laney: Principal Davidson used to work for them before the slime incident. In which he had a hand in.

Librarian Wetta: [with Lucy's romance novel.] The night the vampire cried?

Lucy: Trick question. He cried every night.

Librarian Wetta: Well, I am impressed. Clearly you've done all the work. No need to quiz you on the rest.

Lola: Phew.

Librarian Wetta: Oh, wait. We missed one family member. That's you, sweetie. [takes Lola's princess book] Tell me about Princess Martha and what she wore on her head.

Lola: [nervous] Oh, uh...she was a princess, all right. Oh yeah. It was a crown! She wore a crown. On her head. Crown. Final answer.

Librarian Wetta: True, but what was so interesting about it?

Lola: Oh. Uh, it was interesting 'cause...it was made of...chocolate?

Librarian Wetta: [puzzled] Chocolate?

Lola: [irritated] What is this, an interrogation?!

Librarian Wetta: Little girl, did you even read this book?

Lola: No! I didn't read it!

[The rest of the family gasps.]

Librarian Wetta: The rules officially say that every member has to read at least one book. Little girl, I'm afraid if you didn't read this book, your entire family is out.

[Librarian Wetta erases the Loud family's spot on the board and they groan at Lola for her blunder.]

Lola: I told you I didn't wanna do this stinking challenge! [walks away]

Leni: [devastated] Huh, so long, Spunk E. Pigeon!

Luan: Yeah! I'd like to give Lola a pizza my mind! But seriously, she ruined everything.

Laney: I don't understand it! Why would Lola not read a book?

Lincoln: Guys, wait! Remember, Librarian Wetta said the contest closes at 5:00. [checks his watch] It's only 3:00. We still have two hours!

Lori: What about Lola? There's literally no point if she won't participate.

Lincoln: Leave everything to me. I'll get her to read that book by 5:00.

Laney: Mee too! If Lola's too stubborn to read a book, there's gotta be a reason. And I'm gonna find out what!

[The rest of the family is leaving Lola, Laney, and Lincoln at the library.]

Leni: You got this.

Lisa: We'll be back in two hours.

[Vanzilla drives off]

Lincoln: Alright, what's the deal, Lo? Won't you just read one book?

Lola: Ugh! [mockingly] Won't you just read one book? No! I won't!

Lincoln: Well, why the heck not?

Lanye: Don't you understand how much pizza is at stake here?

Lola: Okay, guys, I guess it's time I told you the truth. [beat] I just don't like pizza.

Laney: Seriously?

[Lincoln suddenly recalls photographic memories of Lola actually liking pizza, such as her eating a slice on the table, tucking a slice into her toy bed like a doll, kissing a pizza box, and fighting Charles over a slice.]

Lincoln: [doubtful] Yeah, not buying that. I know you don't like reading books, but everyone's counting on you. It's time to be a team player.

Lola: Well, I'm not moving. So, good luck getting me back in there.

[Lincoln and Laney bring Lola inside the library by pushing her on a book cart.]

Lola: NOOOOOOOOO!

[Now Lola is on the floor.]

Lincoln: Alright, you're not leaving until you read this whole book in front of me. [gives her the princess book]

Laney: Don't be so hard on her Lincoln! [Kneels down to Lola's level] Come on, Lola. Take it from me when I say reading is a wonderful experience. Maybe you'll understand it better in a form of a song.

Lola: Please don't...

Laney: [Sings]

 _You may think books are boring and mild,_

 _But it makes your imagination run wild!_

 _You can be whatever you want to be my dear child._

 _In your case, you could a princess,_

 _Longing for a prince to bless,_

 _'Cause that's how amazing books can be,_

 _Take it me!_

 _All you got do, is read!_

 _Sure, you'd rather watch TV all day, When you can read the day away._

 _There's there fun in the pages than a shiny screen._

Lincoln: [sings]

 _You can learn a lot from reading these things,_

 _Like cooking, buildng, even how to sing._

Laney: [sings]

 _It all comes down to using your head,_

 _Just say the words and you'll see what I mean._

Lincoln and Laney: [Singing]

 _So now you see the importance of books,_

 _There is more to it than the looks._

 _Open one up and you'll have everything you'll need!_

 _And all you have to do is reeaaaaaaaaaaaad!_

Librarian Wetta: Shh!

Lincoln and Laney: Sorry.

[Throughout the song, Laney and Lincoln toured around the library showing Lola books about princesses, pirates, spacemen, superheroes, cooking, and how to sing. And imagining what it would like to be in the story]

Laney: So. What do you think? Reading to give it a try? [Hand Lola her book]

Lola: Wow, Laney. I never realized how important reading is. I guess all can say is... [Points the other way] BOOKS!

Laney and Lincoln: [turn around] Where? [realizes Lola distracted them and ran away.]

Lincoln: Dang it!

Laney: I told you the ad-libbing won't work! We rehearsed this!

Lincoln: We never rehearsed this. [sees her running past a shelf.] Hey, get back here! [gives chase]

Lola: I told you, I ain't reading, okay?! [comes to a dead end]

Laney: We got you now!

Lola: Like heck! [attacks Lincoln and Laney]

Laney: Please Lola. Just read a book already! I want pizza!

Lincoln: Is it that hard to read one measly book?!

Lola: Yes, it is!

[The fight stops]

Lincoln: [surprised] Wait, what?

Lola: [sad] It's too hard for me to read, so I never do.

Laney: Wait. You mean you... can't read? [Lola sadly nods] That's terrible.

Lola: Don't you think I wanna read about American princesses and unicorns and the bossy twins, even if they have terrible hair?

Lincoln: What if we helped you?

Lola: "Are you sure? I'm so slow. And we don't have much time. Doesn't it end at 5:00?"

Lincoln: [looks at his watch to see that it's now 4:00pm.] We'll get through it together. And you'll see, the more you read, the easier it gets. Come on, sis. I'll show ya.

[He and Laney take Lola to show her how to read.]

[The library's study room]

Lola: [trying to read the book] **O-o-once...yew...**

Lincoln: You got it! Once uh-puh...

Lola: **Upon! Once upon a t-t-t...** okay, this word looks weird.

Lincoln: Sound it out. There's the T, so "tuh". Then I...

Lola: Tuh...I...oh, time! **Time! Once upon a time.**

[Lincoln looks at the clock to see it's a quarter to 5:00. Soon, the clock changes to 5:00pm, the deadline.]

Lola: [still reading] And-and... [sees the time] Oh, Lincoln, it's 5:00 o'clock! What are we gonna do?

Lincoln: Don't worry about that. Let's finish reading.

[Later]

Lola: [reading] **And they lived hap-pee-lee...ever...** [gasps] Happily ever after! The end! [closes book] I can't believe it! I read a whole book! [hugs Lincoln and Laney] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Laney: [hugs back] Don't mention it, Lola. I'm just you finally know how to read.

[They step out of the study room.]

Lincoln: So proud of you, sis.

[The rest of the family is right there angry for missing the deadline.]

Luna: Guys, it's 5:30! The contest ended half an hour ago!

Lincoln: [taking blame] Totally our fault. It's just so quiet here. I must've fallen asleep.

Laney: Yeah, I got distracted with a few books myself. [Holds up her mystery novel]

Lori: Well, you literally blew it.

Lynn: Lincoln, Laney, you lost the contest for all of us!

Lincoln: Yeah, we know.

Laney: We're sorry.

Lola: Wait. Stop, guys. [to the family] This is my fault. They pent the whole time helping me to read, 'cause, well, it's hard for me. But I like it now. And I'm going to keep practicing because it's not as hard as I thought!"

[The rest of the family apologizes and forgives Lola.]

Lana: We're so sorry.

Lola: It's okay. I'm sorry I cost Spunk E. Pigeon for you guys.

Rita: Aw, sweetie, that doesn't matter now.

Lisa: Yes. The important thing is that you're now able to enjoy the wonders of literacy. [takes off her disguise]

Librarian Wetta: [furious] I knew I recognized that voice! The one with the fines!

Lisa: [aware she's busted] Peace out! [flees]

[The Spunk E. Pigeon commercial is playing again.]

Spunk E. [metallic tone] _Ooh, girl, if I could-_

Spunk E. and Anamatronic Skunk: _Ooh, girl, give you the, world, girl_

Announcer: The fuzz-a-rockin' explodaganza appears every six minutes!

[The family is watching it]

Laney: Maybe this is for the best. Those animatronics really creep me out.

Leni: You know, this commercial is so realistic, I totally smell pizza.

[They all sniff around and find the smell to be coming from Lola's room which is packed with toy ovens. Lola is in a chef's outfit and reading one of her dad's cookbooks.]

Lola: Hey, guys! Now that I can read, I thought I'd make us all some pizza! Pepperoni's in the oven, and next up is... [looks at the book] ...pineapple!

[The timer goes off much to the family's delight. Later, everyone is eating Lola's pizza.]

Rita: Well, isn't this just great?

Lincoln: Just as good as Spunk E. Pigeon's!

Laney: Hey. I woner where Lisa is?

Librarian Wetta: [off-screen] GET BACK HERE!

[The family looks out the window and notices that Lisa is running away from Librarian Wetta.]

Lisa: [cackling] YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, WETTA!

Librarian Wetta: [giving chase] YOU OWE ME $50,000!


	79. Not a Loud

**Not A Loud**

[Lincoln, Clyde and Laney are looking around in the attic]

Clyde: Check this out! [showing Lori's baby book with a photo of her talking into a toy phone with unusual features] Our little Lori was born with a pointy head, no hair, and webbed toes. [swooning] Gosh. She was perfect from day one.

Laney: I wouldn't use the word perfect, Clyde.

Lincoln: [snaps his friend out of it] Focus, Clyde. We're supposed to be looking for my birth story.

Laney: It's so nice that you're letting me help you with your project, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Don't mention it, Laney. Since you know so much about our family, you can help look up my birth story. [to the viewers] Everyone in our class has to do a report about the day they were born, and tomorrow is my turn. Should be a cinch because Mom and Dad keep detailed baby books for all of us. [shows his sisters' books in order] Here's Luna's... [which shows baby Luna with a guitar.] ...here's Lynn's... [which shows Lynn working out with a dumbbell.] ...here's Lucy's... [which shows Lucy folding her arms and wearing a winter cap hiding her eyes] ...here's Laney's... [which was a brighter red book and it shows baby Laney with a paintbrush and with brown paint on her arms and the walls had animals painted on them; Laney gives Lincoln his book]

Laney: Here you go, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Aha! Here's mine! [which shows him wearing a white cap similar to Lucy's and holding Bun-Bun.]

Laney: You were so cute back then.

Lincoln: Huh. The section for my birth story is blank.

Laney: Blank? Let me see. [Reads Lincoln's book] It.. it is blank. How can this be? Weren't you born?

Lincoln: I was! Otherwise I wouldn't be here right now. That's okay. I'm sure Mom and Dad remember it.

[Jump to the parents; Lynn Sr. spits out his coffee on Lincoln]

Lynn Sr.: [flabbergasted] Your birth story?!

Lincoln: [wipes the spewed coffee off his faces] Yyyyyeah. It's not in my baby book.

[Laney was on the stairs listening in]

Rita: [uneasy] Uh, that's weird. [chuckles] What do you wanna know?

Lincoln: Well, what time of day was I born?

[Rita and Lynn Sr. answer at the same time]

Lynn Sr.: Morning.

Rita: Night.

Lincoln: [confused] Okay...how much did I weigh?

[The parents answer at the same time again]

Lynn Sr.: Nine pounds.

Rita: [holding up a certain number of fingers] Seven pounds.

[Lincoln and Clyde look to each other suspiciously]

Lincoln: What was the doctor's name?

[Another simultaneous answer]

Lynn Sr.: Dr. Bernstein!

Rita: Dr. Patel!

Lincoln: What is going on?

Parents: [through gritted teeth] Nothing!

Lincoln: At least you agree on that one.

Laney: [Thoughts] _Mom and dad don't even know how Lincoln was born? What could this mean? I mean, Mom did gave birth to him. Did she? Is Lincoln really my brother?..._

[Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: That story had more holes than my underwear.

Laney: Mom and dad are never secretive about anything. This worries me.

Lincoln: My parents are obviously hiding something, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it!

Clyde: No, we are! You're my best bud and future brother-in-law, and I need to know how you came into this world.

Laney: Me too! I wanna know right now if you're really my brother.

[Lori and Leni's room]

Lincoln: Hey, Lori, do you remember anything about the day I was born?

Lori: Sure. Pop Pop was watching us. A car pulled up and a scientist wearing a mask and gloves stepped out holding you.

Lincoln: [baffled] A scientist?

Clyde: [outside the room trying not to see the first born daughter.] Did you say a scientist?

Lori: Oh. Hi, Clyde!

Clyde: [acting like a robot outside] SYSTEM OVERLOAD. ABORT. ABORT. [crashes]

[Back in Lincoln's room]

Clyde: I hate to question my future bride, but that story makes no sense. Scientists don't deliver babies.

Lincoln: Wait a minute! What if that scientist didn't deliver me? What if she created me... [takes out one of his DVD movies] ...like **Larry the Lab-Boy**?

Laney: Larry the Lab Boy?

Lincoln: It's a movie about a couple of scientists created a human child in a laboratory who has superpowers.

Laney: And what does this have to do with your birth story?

Clyde: Everything! Including the white hair. [flicks Lincoln's cowlick and chuckles.]

Lincoln: Only one thing. Larry had superpowers, and I don't.

Clyde: [intrigued] Or, do you?

Lincoln and Clyde: FIELD TEST!

Clyde: First up, super strength.

[A bunch of heavy objects are bundled up together over Lincoln's head on a branch.]

Lincoln: Okay, Clyde, let's do this!

Laney: Lincoln, this is crazy! I'm pretty sure you don't have superpowers! You're gonna get yourself hurt!

Lincoln: Relax, Laney. If I do have superpowers I'll have no worries carrying all this.

Laney: But what If you don't have superpowers?

Clyde: That's why we have these field tests.

[Clyde cuts the rope and the objects drop right on top of Lincoln who screams in pain, debunking the super strength test.]

Laney: [sighs] I'll get the first aid kit...

[Later]

Clyde: Now that you're upright, let's try testing your super speed. On your mark, get set, run like the wind!

[Lincoln takes off]

Lincoln: I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

[Scoots comes rolling by on her scooter.]

Scoots: Move it, slowpoke! [easily passes Lincoln]

Lincoln: [stops; baffled] What just happened?

Clyde: I think you just proved that you're definitely not as fast as a boy made in a lab.

Laney: Maybe superpowers is not your thing.

Lincoln: Ah. Let's go check with Leni.

Leni: I totes remember that day! We were at home waiting to meet you. [pokes her brother's nose] And then you were carried in by an eagle. Well, off to the mall! [leaves]

Lincoln: [doubtful] An eagle? That's crazy!

Clyde: Maybe she said beagle.

Laney: I'm pretty sure she said eagle. But still, this doesn't explain Lincoln's birth.

Lincoln: Or does it? [gets out another DVD] Remember this?

Clyde: Of course! **Erik the Eagle Boy!**

Laney: Erik the Eagle Boy?

Clyde: He was half eagle and half boy. That would explain the white hair. [pulls on the cowlick]

Lincoln: But Erik could do all that, you know, eagle stuff.

Lincoln and Clyde: FIELD TEST!

[A bunch of pillows are on the ground.]

Clyde: [into walkie] McBride to tower, we're ready for take off! 1...2...3! Fly, Eagle Boy! [Lincoln takes off] Fly like-

[Lincoln is unable to stay airborne and crashes onto the pillows.]

Clyde: [unimpressed] -a rock.

Laney: So much for that. What else do eagles do?

[The dining room]

Clyde: Open wide, Eagle Boy. Here's lunch. [holds up a can of worms. Laney was completely disgusted]

Laney: [Disgusted] Ugh! Okay can we stop here? 'Cause I'm pretty sure Lincoln's not an eagle!

Clyde: Come on, Laney. We won't know unless we try. [To Lincoln] Now, open wide.

[Lincoln gulps nervously and tastes a worm. Immediate segue to him throwing up in the toilet.]

Clyde: [thinking] Hmm. Maybe it was beagle. [holds up a can of food] How about some turkey giblets and gravy?

[Lincoln gets more nauseous and throws up again.]

Laney: Maybe we should ask someone else.

[The boys and Laney are now talking to Luna about the story]

Luna: Your birth story? Totally remember it, brah. A car pulled up to the house, and Mom and Dad stepped out holding you.

Lincoln: Huh. Nothing suspicious about that.

Luna: And then all these dudes in dark suits and sunglasses jumped out, surrounded the house, and started talking into their watches. It was pretty rad. Later! [leaves]

Laney: Dark suits and sunglasses? Lincoln, what happened?

Lincoln: I don't know, Laney. [Clyde hands Lincoln another DVD] **Alan the Alien Boy**! Of course! Those guys Luna saw were government agents bringing me to Mom and Dad.

Clyde: That would explain the white hair.

Laney: After all the other movie-related scenarios. I'm not sure I can believe you on that.

Lincoln: Only one way to be sure.

Laney: Let me guess. Field test?

Lincoln and Clyde: FIELD TEST!

[The hallway in front of the bathroom door.]

Clyde: Alan could open doors with his mind. Let's see what you've got.

[Lincoln tries opening the door using mind powers, and after a few seconds, it does open.]

Lincoln and Clyde: It worked!

Laney: No it didn't. [The toilet flushes and out comes Lana with a newspaper.]

Lana: I'd give it a minute before going in there. Whew!

Clyde: Well, scratch that. The next test is the ability to regenerate lost limbs. Do you have a stick you could bite on?

Laney: Clyde are you nuts!?

Clyde: Don't worry, Laney. It'll grow back.

Lincoln: [reluctant] Clyde, I think it's pretty obvious I'm not an alien.

[The boys are now talking to Luan about it.]

Luan: Well, I was really little, but I do remember how excited we were to finally have a brother. [rubs Lincoln's hair] We thought for sure you'd be a girl.

Lincoln: [confused] Why would you think that?

Luan: Mom and Dad already had your room decorated for one. At first, we thought they'd brought home the wrong baby! [giggles and leaves]

[Dramatic beat]

Laney: [Shocked] Wrong baby!?

Lincoln: Guys, that's it! [holds up another DVD] It's just like Ricky the Wrong Baby Ricky's so-called "parents" wanted a boy so badly, they paid a doctor to switch babies. My parents already had five girls. It makes total sense!

Clyde: It would explain the white hair.

Laney: You mean to tell me you're... [sniffs; tears welling up] ...not really my brother? [Lincoln consoles her]

Lincoln: It'll be alright, Laney. Come on. We have to get to the bottom of this.

[They rush off]

[The boys are checking the hospital's birth records online.]

Lincoln: Okay, here are the local birth announcements from the day I was born. We need to find all of these families and see if one of them could be mine.

Clyde: Great plan, Lincoln. [suddenly concerned] Or, I mean, whatever your name really is. [sighs] This is gonna be an adjustment.

Laney: [sniffs] You're telling me.

[Elsewhere, the three are hiding in a bush.]

Lincoln: Okay, Clyde, first house on the list!

[They spy a family of blondes with their kid being a tall girl.]

Clyde: Maybe you were switched with that really tall girl.

[The parents stand up to reveal to be just as tall as she is.]

Lincoln: Or maybe not. Next!

[They head off to the next house and spy on a family with a father with a hairdo like Lincoln's and a girl with a familiar laugh.]

Lincoln: Hey! That girl laughs just like Luan! She must be a Loud, and I must belong in that family!

[The family reveals to have long noses.]

Clyde: Or maybe not. Next!

[The next family is gardening on their front lawn.]

Lincoln: Maybe she's the one! She's into dirt, just like Lana.

[The family takes off their gardening hats and reveal to have red curly hair.]

Laney: But Lana doesn't have red hair.

[The next family's lawn is filled with cacti, which Lincoln pokes out of in pain.]

Lincoln: Ow! I hate these drought-resistant lawns!

Clyde: I sure hope it's not this house, because we'd be going to different schools. Just thinking about that makes my feet sweat.

Laney: What about me? I'm not ready to accept the fact that I always had a sister instead of a brother. What if she doesn't like me?

[A car horn honks and is parking in the driveway.]

Lincoln: I wouldn't worry about it, guys. With the luck we're having-

[The parents reveal to have white hair.]

Lincoln: Gah! The white hair!

[The daughter they have reveals to look eerily familiar.]

Lincoln: And look at her hair! It looks just like Lori's!

[Clyde takes off his shoe and lets out all the sweat that his feet let out in a saddened state.]

White-haired woman: What does everyone want for dinner?

White-haired family's daughter: [excited] Spicy subs! Spicy subs!

Lincoln: Hair like Lori's, plays guitar like Luna, eats like Lynn...that girl is a Loud!

Laney: [In heartbroken denial] No.. No that can't be it. We gotta keep looking! [Voice breaking; tears welled up] Or maybe we shouldn't look anymore. Maybe we should just give up... [cries]

Lincoln: Let's face it, guys. Those white-haired people are my real parents. I'm gonna have to move here and start my life all over.

Laney: [Cries harder] NO! NO, YOU CAN'T GO! I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU! [Lincoln consoles her]

Lincoln: It'll be okay, Laney. We can still see each other, just in separated houses.

Clyde: What about me? How are we gonna stay best friends? Do walkie-talkies even reach this far? Will your new parents even let me sleep over?" [starts hyperventilating into his paper bag.]

Lincoln: Don't worry. We'll work it out. [angry] But first, I have some choice words for my so-called parents!

[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln steps in front of his parents and cracks his neck a little.]

Lynn Sr.: Can we help you, son?

Lincoln: [incredulous] Son. That's an interesting choice of words.

Clyde: [pops up from behind the armchair's left arm.] Yeah!

[The Loud parents look at Clyde confused and he just waves to them.]

Rita: Is there something wrong, boys?

Lincoln: Yes. I know my real birth story.

Lynn Sr.: [shocked] You do?!

Lincoln: Yep. You really had another girl, but you didn't want another girl, did you? You wanted a boooyyy! So, what did you do? You paid off the hospital to look the other way, then you made the ol' switcheroo with some poor unsuspecting family across town! What do you have to say for yourselves?

Clyde: Yeah! For shame! [Laney goes up to her parents crying]

Laney: Please mom and dad! Can't we keep him! I don't care of he's not my brother! I don't want him to leave!

[The parents take a second and start laughing.]

Lincoln: [sarcastic] Oh, I'm glad you find ruining my life funny.

Laney: [Still distraught] You shouldn't be laughing! You lied to me! To all of us! [angry] YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK! DO YOU HEAR ME!

[Rita and Lynn Sr stopped laughing]

Rita: Laney! Sweetie! Calm down! We didn't mean to laugh. Of Lincoln's your brother. It's just that you're way off base.

Laney: Oh yeah? Then how do explain the scientists, and the eagle, and all the government agents?

Lincoln: Yeah!

Clyde: What he said!

Lynn Sr.: Why don't you sit down, Lincoln. It's time you know the real story of your birth. [Lincoln sits down, as does Clyde and Laney] Okay, you guys too.

Rita: Well, the day you were born got off to a pretty normal start. My water broke, we called Pop Pop, he came over to watch your older sisters...

Lynn Sr.: I drove your mother over to the hospital in Vanzilla, but not surprisingly, she broke down. [realizing what he said] Uh, the van, not your mother. And that's when things stopped being normal.

[Flashback to that day with Lynn Sr. calling for a ride.]

Rita: [narrating] _We were afraid you were going to be born on the side of the road, but thankfully, a black limo pulled up._

[The window rolls down to Lynn Sr.'s request.]

Lynn Sr.: [narrating] _Could have knocked me over with a feather, it was the President and the First Lady! When I told them what was going on, they offered to give us a ride to the hospital._

[Lynn Sr. gets in, remembers his wife and brings her over. She is surprised to see who it is.]

Rita: [narrating] _Everything was looking fine again, but you weren't a very patient baby. We weren't going to make it to the hospital. You were going to be delivered by the President, until he passed out. Then the First Lady took over._

[The action shown during the narration is shown as told. End flashback.]

Lynn Sr.: What an amazing woman. She was so cool under pressure.

Rita: Of course, you had to hear that from me, since you were passed out, too.

Lynn Sr.: That's not how I remember it.

Rita: Anyway, she delivered you right there in the limo. When we saw you for the first time... [sighs] ...our hearts just melted.

Lynn Sr.: The reason we never told you was because the President- [pauses and whispers] ...because the President was heading to his top secret safe house in Royal Woods. No one knows about it, and no one can.

Rita: We had to sign an agreement saying we'd never discuss it.

Lincoln: [amazed] Wow! That's amazing! But wait. Somethings still don't make sense. Luan said you decorated my room for a girl. It sure sounds like you were expecting one.

Rita: We already had five girls. We were just using the baby stuff we had.

Lincoln: What about the men in black suits and sunglasses that Luna told me about?

Lynn Sr.: They were secret service.

Lincoln: Lori said there was a scientist in gloves and a mask.

Lynn Sr.: That was the First Lady. She got that stuff from the first aid kit in the car.

Lincoln: Okay, but what about what Leni said, that was I carried by an eagle?

Rita: Mm, you were wrapped in a blanket with the presidential seal on it.

Lynn Sr.: In fact...

[He goes to the corner of the room, tears off a piece of the carpet, reveals a secret compartment with a briefcase, takes out the briefcase, opens it, and reveals the aforementioned blanket.]

Lincoln: [convinced] Holy cow! I can't believe it! I was delivered by the First Lady!

Clyde: I believe she's referred to as FLOTUS.

Laney: Who cares! [Estatic] I HAVE A BROTHER! [Runs up to Lincoln and hugs him]

Clyde: Lincoln, wait until you tell this story to our class! It's totally gonna blow away the story about Liam's water birth!

Rita: Sorry, sweetie, but you can't tell your class. Remember? It's top secret.

Lincoln: [disappointed] Oh. Right.

Lynn Sr.: Sorry about that, son.

Lincoln: It's okay, Dad. I'm just glad you can still call me that.

Rita: Aw.

Lynn Sr.: Bring it in, kiddo.

[Lincoln and his parents hug it out.]

Lincoln: Uh, Laney. You can let go fo me now.

Laney: Can't. Too happy.

Clyde: [crying with happiness] It's just too beautiful. [blows his nose on the blanket.]

Lynn Sr.: Uh, Clyde, that's a piece of American history. [takes the blanket back]

[Lincoln, Laney, and Clyde are reading comic books in Lincoln's room.]

Laney: It sure was cool that you were delivered by the first lady. But the best part of this is knowing I truly have a big brother.

Lincoln: Thanks Laney.

Clyde: But there's one thing that I don't get, Lincoln. How did you get that white hair?

Clyde: Of course! **Ron the Radioactive Boy**! His hair turned white after that gamma ray explosion!

Lincoln: But he also got all those weird mutant abilities.

Laney: Oh boy...

[The boys are inspired for another...]

Lincoln and Clyde: FIELD TEST! [They run off, leaving Laney]

Laney: [To the viewers] He's a little weird, but he's family. [winks at the screen and it Iris out]

* * *

 **Special thanks to Jamesdean5842 for giving me this idea.**


	80. 11 Louds a Leapin'

**11 Louds a Leapin'**

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Loud house. There's no family in this neighborhood were more busy for the holiday season than them. Decorations, presents, figgy pudding. Even decidng the perfect gift...

[Laney was seen in the living room writing a letter]

Laney: "Dear Santa. I've been a very good girl this year and I think I should get..." Hmm... What do I want this year...? Ooh! "A new fashionable beret"... No wait I already got that one. [Crosses it out from the letter] Maybe a... no got that too. [Lincoln comes down the stairs and Laney comes to him] Hey, Lincoln. Can you help me? I'm writing a letter for Santa, but I can't decide what should I get this year.

Lincoln: Relax, Laney. I'm sure you'll think of something. [Pulls out two different boots out of a pile that are each one of his sisters.] Oops! Wrong ones! [throws the boots out of the way.] Excuse me. This might take a while.

[Lincoln prepares to dive into the boot pile when Lola zooms in.]

Lola: [appearing very innocent] Hey there, favorite big brother! Allow me to dive into that pile of smelly sweaty footwear and find your winter boots for you. [curtsies, then dives into the pile.]

[Lincoln looks on in confusion. Lola then emerges from the pile with two brown boots.]

Lola: [gasps for air] Here you are, good sir! [puts Lincoln's winter boots on his feet.] Two big brother boots. Boy, these are stylish!

Laney: Wow, Lola. That's oddly nice of you?

Lola: Why thank you, dear sister.

Lincoln: [suspicious] Okay, what do you want?

Lola: [quiet voice with an evil grin on her face.] To get a good haul from Santa. [normal voice] See, contrary to popular belief, I am no angel. So, if I'm going to get on Santa's nice list, I have one day to undo twelve months of naughty!

Lisa: [off screen] You're wasting your time. [wheels in a whiteboard with equations as she comes on screen and begins pointing to sections with a candy cane.] Factoring in sleigh speed, time zone changes, and reindeer bathroom breaks, it is scientifically impossible for this so-called Kris Kringle to deliver gifts to the approximately one billion qualifying children. As you can see, X equals no stinkin' way. [bites into her candy cane.]

Laney: [gasps] Are you saying there's no such thing as Santa?

Lisa: Precisely.

Laney: No! You're wrong! Santa is real! I'll send him my letter and he'll send one back to me! We'll see tomorrow who's right and wrong!

Lisa: I'm never wrong. [Takes another bite out of her candy cane]

Lola: [growls] You're lucky I'm being nice right now!

[Laney walks over still deciding her gift]

Laney: Maybe I can get a new canvas? Hmm... [Sees Lynn lifting a dresser and Lucy looking underneath.]

Lynn: See anything?

Lucy: Nope.

[Lynn puts the dresser down and winds her arm.]

Laney: Are they looking for gifts too?

Lincoln: Mom and Dad's gifts specifically. [Whispers to Lynn and Lucy] Have you checked Dad's underwear drawer?

Lynn: [sarcastically, walking away] Have we checked Dad's underwear drawer?

Lucy: Lincoln, please. This is not our first rodeo.

Laney: At least you guys don't have trouble finding gifts. [Smells something from the kitchen] Mmm. What's that smell? [Laney and Lincoln walks over to the kitchen to wonder what the smell was]

Lynn Sr.: [singing] Dashing to the stove... [stops singing] Hey, kids. You're just in time to try the Crown Jewel of Ol' Dad's Christmas Eve feast...[Opens the pot and smoke comes out all over the kitchen.]...The Figgy Pudding!

[Smoke comes through the window.]

Lincoln: [chuckles] And ruin the surprise at dinner? I don't think so!

Laney: [coughs] I think it may be a bit- [Lincoln covers her mouth]

Lincoln: Better than last year! [nervously grins; whispers to Laney] He's very emotional when it comes to christmas cooking.

Luan: Look at Dad getting figgy with it! [chuckles and clicks her remote] Number five!

[Counter says 5]

Lynn Sr.: Ah, I love the 12 Puns of Christmas. Luan, you wanna try my pudding?

Luan: Sorry, Dad. Yule have to ask someone else. Get it? Yule? That's six! I just sleigh myself! Ooh, seven! [clicks her remote twice]

[The counter goes to 6 and 7 as both laugh.]

Lynn Sr.: Sleigh!

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Yup. Everyone around here is full of Christmas cheer.

Mr. Grouse: LOUDS! What's that awful stench?

Lincoln: Well, everyone except for our crabby old neighbor, Mr. Grouse. He really lives up to his name. Especially around Christmas.

Laney: Don't say that, Lincoln. No one can be grouchy during the holidays.

Mr. Grouse: LOUDS! Turn down that annoying music! LOUDS! Shut off all those horrible lights!

Lincoln: You were saying? [Leaves]

While Lincoln was enjoying himself in the snow, Laney was still trying to write her letter to Santa. While dealing with how crazy her family gets during the holidays.

[Later, Laney was seen once again in the living room trying to write her letter to Santa]

Laney: Maybe I should try for a more chill approach. [writes] "Hey, Santa. What's up? How's the wife doin'?" Oh! [Crumples up the paper and throws it away] That will never work. [Just then, Lynn and Lucy comes in]

Lucy: We need the sofa. [Lynn picks up Laney and sets her away from the sofa. And Lynn and Lucy begin to look under the cushions. Lynn lifts the couch to see if there's any presents under it] No presents for us under here.

Laney: Still trying to find Mom and Dad's presents, huh?

Lynn: Yeah. [Drops the sofa] And we still can't find anything!

Lucy: We could look in the basement. How do you feel about lifting the water heater?

Lynn: [tightens her belt] Let's do this!

[After Lynn and Lucy run off screen, Lori pops up as the Waltz of the Sugar Plum Fairy plays. She tiptoes to the row of stockings and takes a yellow and red present out of her mother's pink stocking. She sniffs it and sighs in satisfaction. Laney grows suspicious]

Laney: Uh, Lori? What are you doing with that present?

Lori: Uh... [Hides the present behind her back] Nothing!

Laney: Hmm... [Slowly walks away]

Lori: I don't think Mom will mind if I just peel back the corner a little. [tugs on the ribbon]

Luan: [off screen] Hold it! [camera pans to show her] You are mistletoe-tally busted! [Lori's eyes narrow as Luan chuckles and clicks her remote.] That's eight!

[The counter reads 8]

Laney: Ah-ha! I knew it! You're trying to get a early start on the presents again, aren't you?

Lori: [high-pitched sigh] I can't help it. The sound of the paper tearing, the smell of the tape, that moment when you stick the bow in your hair. [tackles Luan] Gimme that! [Laney pulls her back]

Laney: Heel!

Luan: You gotta kick this habit, Lori. We don't want a repeat of last year.

[Lori's eyes widen as a flashback of the previous Christmas starts: tearing sounds are heard as the Loud siblings, sans Lori, look on. The view changes to show Lori, rocking in an unwrapped box with several bows in her hair. Many unwrapped presents are in the background.]

Flashback Lori: [laughs] You guys got some great stuff!

[Flashback ends]

Laney: I wanted to unwrap that present. You spoiled the surprise.

Lori: You're right, Luan. I gotta fight this!

Luan: Well, there's no time like the present! [chuckles and presses her remote] That's nine.

[Counter reads 9]

Lori: [returns the present to her mother's stocking] I can be strong. I will not open another gift until Christmas morning.

Laney: That's the spirit, Lori! Besides, how hard can it be?

[The doorbell rings. Lori opens the door.]

Short Delivery Man: Delivery for Miss Lori Loud. [stuffs a giant green and red present through the door.]

Lori: [reads the tag] **To Lori. Open immediately.** [stops reading and groans] Universe, you are literally testing me. [The Short Delivery Man walks away but yells as a crash is heard. Letters fly off and Lana comes outside.]

Lana: Woohoo! [runs over to see the Short Delivery Man in a metal cage.] My reindeer cage works!

[Lori is now pushing her big present inside.]

Laney: Uh.. I'm gonna go see what Lincoln's doing. [Walks over to the dining room]

Lola: [feigning kindness] Oh, mother. You've done so much to make this glorious holiday perfect. Allow me to look for the tinsel and after I find it, I'll rub your tired, aching tootsies.

Rita: [pulls paper dolls out of a box] Thank you, Lola. That's very nice of you.

Lola: [gasps and faces skyward shaking her fist.] Did you hear that, Santa? She said "nice"!

Lisa: [walks in the background with her candy cane, speaking in a sing-song tone.] Wasting your time...

Lola: [to herself] Control yourself, Lola. She's not worth it. [Laney giggles at this. Then she sees Lincoln holding binoculars]

Laney: Lincoln? [Lincoln then grabs Laney and then he heads to the kitchen to talk in private] Lincoln, what's going on?

Lincoln: [whispers] You're the only sister I can trust with this mission.

Laney: [whispers] What mission?

Lincoln: [whispers] Mr. Grouse has got my sled. And since you're so good at getting people into the holiday spirit. You and Clyde can provide an ample distraction while I get Big Red.

Laney: [whispers] I'm not so sure about this, Lincoln. I mean, I'm sure Mr. Grouse didn't mean to take your sled.

Lincoln: He said his yard, his property. Now, get dressed and meet me and Clyde outside in 2 minutes.

[2 MINUTES LATER]

[Lincoln runs past with binoculars to go outside. He climbs up the slide to get a view of Mr. Grouse's house. Clyde suddenly pops up.]

Clyde: Hey, Lincoln!

Lincoln: [screams and slides down the slide, hurting his rear.] Clyde!

Clyde: "I'm okay!" [wearing his crooked branch on his hat.]

Lincoln: I see you toned down the mistletoe this year.

Clyde: Yeah. I don't want a repeat of last year.

[Flasback: Clyde puts on yellow lip balm and walks along with a bush of mistletoe on his head.]

Flashback Clyde: Pucker up, my Christmas queen!

[A hawk swoops down and picks up Clyde, causing him to scream. The flashback ends.]

Clyde: [sighs] So what's the plan?

Lincoln: [draws with a twig to show the plan.] You and Laney will go to the front door and sing Christmas carols here. When Grouse comes out to yell at you, I'll hop the fence and grab Big Red here.

Clyde: Strategic genius! [points to a yellow puddle in the snow.] One question: what's that?

Laney: Charles peed in there.

Lincoln: [grossed out] Ugh! Charles!

[Charles shrugs innocently as he enters the house.]

[Clyde and Laney are at Mr. Grouse's front door.]

Clyde: [talking into his walkie-talkie] Turtledoves to Sled Man Walking. I'm in position.

Lincoln: Copy that, Turtledoves. Commence caroling.

Clyde: [blows a note on a kazoo and practices his vocals.] Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! [gets out some sleigh bells, jingles them, and starts singing.]

Laney and Clyde: [Sings] Dashing through the snow / In a one-horse open sleigh

[Mr. Grouse answers the door as Clyde continues to carol.]

Mr. Grouse: [annoyed] Stop your off-key caterwauling! I don't care for carolers.

Laney and Clyde: [still caroling] Laughing all the way

[In the backyard, Lincoln hops the fence and goes behind the tree. He sneaks over to the crate and spots his sled. He goes over to a wheelbarrow which causes the logs to roll out of the way and make a commotion.]

Mr. Grouse: [yelling at Clyde and Laney] Go on! Get! [hears the clattering] What the Sam heck was that?

Clyde: [still to the tune of Jingle Bells] Don't look in the yard / There's nothing there to see / Got lots of songs to sing / So keep your eyes on me Hey!

[Mr. Grouse pushes them into the snow]

Laney: I forgive you for that!

[Mr. Grouse goes to check the backyard. Lincoln pulls the logs back into place, gasps, and hides. Mr. Grouse comes in and finds Big Red and grabs it.]

Mr. Grouse: [to the Louds' backyard] My yard, my property! [goes inside and slams the door]

[Lincoln comes out of the logs and sighs in defeat.]

Lincoln: I can't believe I lost Big Red.

Laney: Sorry, Lincoln.

[Luna steps outside still trying to find her Christmas song.]

Luna: [strumming and singing] Merry Christmas, honey / If you don't have a gift, I'll gladly take money / I wrote it down on my Christmas list / If I don't get my prezzies, I'm gonna get- [gets cut off by Mr. Grouse.]

Mr. Grouse: LOUDS! KNOCK OFF THAT RACKET! [leaves his house]

Laney: Maybe you should work on those lyrics, Luna.

Luna: I'm trying!

Lincoln: [hopeful] Guys! Do you see what I see?

Clyde: [looking up] A star, a star, shining in the night?

Lincoln: No. Mr. Grouse just left. I can sneak into his house and get my sled back.

Clyde: What? You can't do that! That's Mr. Grouse's property.

Lincoln: But that sled is my property. I'll just slip through the doggy door, grab Big Red, and he'll be none the wiser.

Clyde: But what if you get caught and go to jail, and they only let family visit? You know I haven't married Lori yet, so the guards won't let me see you-

Lincoln: CLYDE! None of that's gonna happen, because you're gonna be my lookout.

Laney: Well, if you're going in there. You're gonna need backup.

Lincoln: Thanks, Laney.

[Lincoln and Laney sneak back into Mr. Grouse's yard and rushes through the doggy door into the house.]

Lincoln: [on his walkie-talkie] I'm in. Just keep a lookout for Grouse.

[Clyde is watching outside with the binoculars.]

Clyde: Don't worry. You can count on me. I'm not going anywhere. [steps on a catapult that launches him across the neighborhood and screams.]

Lana: [running up to the catapult] Yes! My reindeer catapult worked! [realizing] Although, it might not be the best way to catch a reindeer.

[Back in Mr. Grouse's house.]

Lincoln: Now, where would I hide a sled if I were a grumpy old sourpuss?

Laney: [Points to where Lincoln's sled is] How about right there?

Lincoln: Big Red [hugs it, grabs it, heads for the door and notices a photo.]

Laney: That must be Mr. Grouse when he was a kid.

Lincoln: And is he holding a Fearsome Flyer 1000?

[Suddenly, someone is at the front door; Lincoln and Laney gasp fearing who it is. The door is about to open and Lincoln is shaking with fear. Laney grabs Lincoln and hides. Mr. Grouse steps in and unfolds his newspaper. Lincoln and Laney were hiding behind the drapes. Lincoln notices he's missing his scarf. As soon as Grouse has his back turned, he grabs it and hides again. Grouse takes off his coat and hat and opens the drapes as Lincoln and Laney sneak off into the kitchen. Mr. Grouse opens the cabinet which catches Grouse's attention. He checks the cabinet only to find that it's empty and steps on something, which turns out to be Lincoln's hand. Lincoln is about to yelp in pain only to be stopped by Laney]

Mr. Grouse: [shivering] Hoo...cold.

[He lights a match to throw into his fireplace while a pair of eyes pop out of it.]

Mr. Grouse: Aw, dang. All out of wood.

[The pair of eyes blows at the match to put the match out. As he leaves to get more wood, Lincoln and Laney come out of the fireplace and head to the backdoor]

Laney: Quick. Let's get out of here before... [Mr. Grouse appears behind them]

Mr. Grouse: Before what?

[Lincoln screams and launches his sled into the air only for it to crash and shatter into a bunch of pieces.]

Lincoln: [heartbroken] Big Red!

Mr. Grouse: Serves you right, you little thieves!

Lincoln: We're not theives! You're the thief! You stole my sled and now it's broken!

Laney: Lincoln, stop! We're sorry we snuck into you're home, Mr. Grouse. but you had my brother's sled and we were hoping you would give it back to us.

Mr. Grouse: My yard, my property! I'm calling your folks right now! [dials the number for the Loud House] They'll straighten you out.

[Over at the Loud House, the phone is ringing, but there's too much going on involving Lincoln's sisters for them to hear it. Rita is nailing a wreath on the doorway, Lola is holding the ladder for her, Leni is thinking of what to make her next outfit out of, Luan is thinking of more Christmas puns, Lynn is lifting Lucy who is looking through the vent for their presents, Luna is still thinking of lyrics for her song, Lisa is reading a science book, Lori is still fighting the urge to open her giant present, and Lily is chasing Cliff and the two of them get nabbed in another of Lana's reindeer traps.]

Lana: YEEEEEES!

Mr. Grouse: No one's answering. Probably can't even hear the phone over all that racket. [hangs up and drags Lincoln to the fireplace.] Till I reach your folks, you two can clean up the mess you made. [hands Lincoln an Laney some brooms]

Lincoln: Why do you have to be so mean all the time? I just wanted my sled back. [points to the photo he saw earlier] You of all people should understand that. You had one, too.

Mr. Grouse: [tilting the photo down] Stop snoopin' and start sweepin'! [hears the phone ring] Ah, that's probably them. Get to work! [Lincoln angily sweeps as Mr. Grouse goes to answer.] Hello? Oh, hey, Junie. Sorry I didn't call back.

[As he speaks to Junie, Lincoln overhears it, stops sweeping, and listens carefully.]

Mr. Grouse: [sadly] No, it doesn't look like I'm gonna make it back for Christmas after all. I'm sorry. I know it's been five years, but I just don't have the money to travel this Christmas.

[Lincoln then notices a photo of Mr. Grouse with his family and feels sorry.]

Mr. Grouse: Tell the girls Uncle Buddy says hi and loves them whole bunches. I miss you, too. [hangs up and comes back] I thought I told you two to clean up your mess!

Lincoln: I didn't know you were from a big family.

Mr. Grouse: What's it to ya?

Laney: We understand, Mr. Grouse. We love to celebrate Christmas with our family too.

Mr. Grouse: Enough! Go on home! [shows the kids the door]

Lincoln: So, you're not gonna tell our parents?

Mr. Grouse: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

[Lincoln and Laney leave and Grouse slams the door on him. After learning what he found out, Lincoln feels terrible for his neighbor. Laney could only smirk at him for being right]

Lincoln: Okay, I admit it. You were right, Laney. No one can be this mean during the holidays.

Laney: Yeah... [Drops her smirk] But, I'm still sad about Grouse. He must be miserable not getting to see his family on Christmas. [Lincoln thinks about it for a second and gets an idea. Just then, he gets a call from Clyde.]

Clyde: [on the walkie-talkie] Come in, Sled Man Walking. [Lincoln picks up] Are you okay? I'm sorry I compromised the mission. One minute, I was in your yard, the next, I was six blocks away. I broke my mistletoe. So long, holiday smooch.

Lincoln: Sorry, Turtledove. Everything's okay here though. Rescuing Big Red was a bust, but now, I've got a new mission. I'll call you back with the plan. [signs off and heads home]

[Inside the Loud House, Lily is chasing Geo, Lola is vacuuming and dusting, Luan is making a popcorn string, Lisa is still reading her book, and Lucy is contacting spirits as Lynn watches on with hope.]

Lucy: Oh, Ghost of Christmas Past...reveal to us where the presents are hidden.

Lynn: [anxious] What'd he say? What'd he say?

Luan: You two definitely have the Christmas spirit! [chuckles and presses her remote] That's eleven!

[The counter now reads 11. Cliff avoids a bear trap Lana laid out.]

Lori: [stir-crazy] Can't take it any longer! MUST OPEN! [rushes toward her present]

Lana: [lassos her with the lights] Whoa, girl! [drags her back]

Luna: Guys, can you chill? I'm trying to write and I'm down to the wire! [inspired] Ooh! Maybe that's it! [starts playing and singing] Down to the wire / Santa's on fire [groaning] I'm never gonna get this!

[Lincoln and Laney come inside]

Lincoln: Guys!

[Little does he know that a lot has been happening since he was outside upon seeing the insanity. Enter Leni with yet another new Christmas outfit.]

Leni: Okay, forget that old rag I was wearing before. This is the perfect Christmas outfit!

Rita: [noticing something amiss by the chimney.] What happened to the stockings? Seriously, why does everything keep disappearing?

[Leni shushes everyone again]

Lincoln: GUYS!

[He still can't get their attention and Lily pops out of one of the stockings on Leni's outfit. Just then, a foul stench hits both their nostrils.]

Leni: [plugging her nose] Oh, Lily, you didn't!

[Enter their dad with the figgy pudding.]

Lynn Sr.: Hey hey hey! I need a taste tester for my figgy pudding!

Leni: [to Lily] Oh, phew. It wasn't you.

Laney: But now I wish it was...

Lola: I'll do it, Daddy! Your figgy pudding is always the highlight of my Christmas! [looking skyward desperately] You're seeing this, right, Santa?

Lisa: [almost done with her candy cane] Truly pathetic.

[Her dad feeds Lola some of the pudding.]

Lola: [chews it forcefully] Mmm...figgy!

Lincoln: GUYS! WOULD YOU JUST STOP AND LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND?! [The girls stop and notice their brother and sister.] Laney and I were just at Mr. Grouse's house...

[The girls start complaining about their neighbor.]

Lola: That big meanie?

Leni: He dresses, like, horribly!

Lori: He is literally awful!

Laney: Guys, please! He's not that bad.

Lincoln: Well, he is, but now I think I know why.

[Cut to an exterior shot of the house as time passes and back inside with Lincoln finishing explaining to his sisters why Mr. Grouse is the way he is.]

Lincoln: ...And then he told us to leave.

Lana: [downtrodden] I can't believe he has a big family, too.

Luan: [heartbroken] And he can't be with them? That's awful!

Leni: Seeing all of us together must make him miss them even more.

Lisa: Usually, I'm impervious to human emotions, but... [bursts into tears and sobs over the news. Laney comforts her]

Lola: [remorseful] No wonder he's such a grumpy-butt this time of year.

Luan: How did we not notice this?

Lori: [pushes her present aside] Maybe because we've been so caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays.

Lynn: Yeah. We were so worried about what we were getting.

Lucy: [blows out her candles] When we should have been worried about what we were giving.

Lola: And isn't that what Christmas is all about?

Laney: Exactly! Someone needs to show him that you need presents to have a holiday.

Luna: [gasps with inspiration] Dudes! That's it! No wonder I couldn't nail my song! I've been going about it all wrong! [goes upstairs to write it]

Lincoln: We need to do something for Mr. Grouse.

Laney: All in favor?

Sisters: "Yeah!"

Lori: But what can we do?

Lincoln: I have a plan! [huddles up with them] Okay, the first thing we do...

[As he explains the plan, the scene trails off from their house to Mr. Grouse's. He closes the blinds not wanting to see what they're talking about.]

[Later that night, Mr. Grouse is getting some sleep in his lounger until a mysterious sound wakes him up.]

Voices: Ooooooooh

Mr. Grouse: [waking up] "Huh? Who? What? Can't get a moment's peace." [turns on the light and goes outside to see something that surprises him.]

[The Louds and the McBrides are all caroling in front of his house.]

Louds and McBrides: Ooooooooh

Luna:

 _I used to think that Christmas was_

 _About the wish list filled with stuff_

 _I never really needed, anyway_

[Lori presses a button and lights up Mr. Grouse's house and yard with decorations.]

 _But as long as we're together_

 _It's a holiday_

[Everyone joins in as Luna starts strumming her guitar.]

Louds and McBrides:

 _It's not what you get, it's what you give_

 _We've got the spirit, clear and loud_

 _Ditch the list, hug who you're with_

 _'Cause that's what Christmas is all about!_

 _It's what you give, not what you get_

 _We've got the hard part figured out_

 _This year will be the best one yet_

 _'Cause that's what Christmas is all about!_

 _Merry Christmas from the Louds!_

 _HO!_

[Mr. Grouse is still standing surprised from their caroling.]

Lincoln: Merry Christmas, Mr. Grouse.

Lana: We all chipped in and got you something.

[Lincoln gives him the present and Mr. Grouse opens it.]

Lynn: It's a bus ticket.

Luan: So you can go see your family for Christmas tomorrow.

Rita: And since you can't be with them tonight...

[Rita and Lynn Sr. finally reveal their faces.]

Rita: ...we're bringing our family to you.

Lynn Sr.: How 'bout it, neighbor?

[Everyone huddles together and smiles.]

Mr. Grouse: [sternly] LOUDS! [thankfully] You've made this the best Christmas ever.

Laney: Thank you, Mr. Grouse. We'd knew you like it.

Mr. Grouse: No, thank you. I'd say you all landed permanent spots on Santa's nice list.

Lola: [joyfully] Even me?

Mr. Grouse: Even you.

[Lola runs up and hugs Mr. Grouse's leg.]

Lisa: Once again... [bursts into tears and sobs again.]

Mr. Grouse: Well, what are you waiting for? Everyone inside!

[Inside Mr. Grouse's house, to the tune of We Wish You a Merry Christmas, the twins are setting the table for Christmas dinner, Rita is helping Lily put the star on top of the tree, and everyone is doing what they can to make the house more festive.]

Luan: There, Mr. Grouse. Now it's not so gloomy in here.

Lucy: Yeah, you ruined it.

Leni: Guys, I finally made the perfect Christmas outfit!

[Everyone looks at the outfit wondering why it's not Christmas themed.]

Laney: Not so Christmas-y, don't you think?

Leni: It's not for me. It's for Mr. Grouse. You can wear it on your trip tomorrow. [puts it on him]

Mr. Grouse: Well, thank you. [notices something] What happened to my curtains?

[Leni shushes him]

Lynn Sr.: Chow time in five, people!

Mr. Grouse: Before we sit down, there's something I'd like to say.

Lynn: [chanting] Speech! Speech! Speech!

[Lori nudges her to stop]

Mr. Grouse: Well, I know I haven't always been the friendliest neighbor, and I'm sorry about that. You've all given me so much tonight, now I'd like to give something to you.

Lola: We take checks.

[Lori nudges her for that statement. Mr. Grouse opens his closet and reveals all the stuff that landed in his yard and he took as his own.]

The Loud Sisters: [gasp] ALL OUR STUFF!

[They all gather to get their stuff back with cheers.]

Lana: [holding up her plunger] PLUNGEY!

Mr. Grouse: [to Lincoln] I'm sorry your sled was broken.

Lincoln: That's alright. It's only a sled. I'm just glad we're friends now.

[The two of them smile at each other.]

Howard: [overjoyed] Oh, Hare-Bear. Isn't this the most wonderful thing you've ever seen?

Harold: Now, Howie, remember what Dr. Lopez said about- [shaking it off] Oh, forget Dr. Lopez! This is the most wonderful thing I've ever seen!

[Both Clyde's dads walk off sobbing with happiness. Lori walks up to Clyde.]

Lori: Clyde, you know what you're standing under, don't you? [points to a mistletoe]

[Clyde realizes this and starts shaking. Lori gives him a smooch on his cheek.]

Lori: Merry Christmas, Clyde.

Clyde: [blushing and lovestruck] And to all a good night. [faints]

Lynn Sr.: Come on, everybody, sit! Dinner is served! And save some room for the figgy pudding!

[At the dinner table]

Lincoln: So, Laney. Have you decided what gift you want? Because you're running out of time to do it.

Laney: Well, at first I didn't want to write one because I already have everything I could ever want. But now, I think I finally got it figured out. [Holds out her letter]

[Christmas morning]

Loud Family: MERRY CHRISTMAS! [open up their presents]

[Lisa got a new meteorite, Luna got a new banjo, Lincoln got a new video game, Lily got a new teddy bear, Lucy got a glittering Edwin bust, Luan got a magic and comedy kit, Lynn got new cleats, Leni got new high-heel shoes, Lana got a medieval war fortress play set, Lola got a princess castle play set, and Laney got a new painting kit.]

Rita: Well, that's all the Christmas presents. Time to start decorating for Valentine's Day!

Lori: Wait! I still have one more! [shows her giant present she's been waiting to open.] I saved the best for last! [shakes it]

Present: Ow!

[Everyone looks on awkwardly over what made that noise. Lori opens it up and reveals it to be her boyfriend.]

Bobby: [weary] Merry Christmas, Babe...

Lori: [gasps] Boo-Boo Bear?

Bobby: I couldn't find anything good enough to buy you for our first Christmas together, so I decided to give you myself.

Lori: Ah. That's literally the perfect gift. [hugs him] Oh, I got you a present, too.

Bobby: I hope it's food and water.

Laney: [off-screen] Wait! Theres something in my stocking! [Laney reaches into her stocking and pulled out a letter and she reads it.]

 _"Dear Laney, I've hearing about what's going on with you and your family. And I am very impressed. What you did was a very nice deed. And I'd like to say thank you for believing in me. I guess there's still a little holiday magic in your house. Even when I'm not there. Never stop beliving in your self."_

 _\- Santa Claus_

[The children were at awe by this letter]

Lincoln: Wow, Laney. You got a letter from Santa!

Laney: Not a letter, Lincoln. A reply! I wrote him a letter saying what we did for Mr. Grouse! And by the looks of it, he's very happy!

Lisa: Indeed, Laney. Santa sure was good to us this year.

Louds: SANTA?!

Laney: Whatever happened to "There's no such thing as Santa"?

Lola: Yeah. I thought didn't believe in him.

Lisa: I didn't until I spied him leaving a present behind the couch last night. [shows a picture of what appears to be Santa labeled "SANTICUS CLAUSIMUS".] Behold!

[Everyone gasps at the photo]

Laney: Wow! It really was Santa! He reall wrote this letter!

Lynn: [noticing something behind the couch] There is a present back here. And it's addressed to Lincoln.

[Lincoln opens it up and finds it's a new sled.]

Lincoln: Wow!

[The rest of his family is just as surprised as him.]

Lincoln: [notices the label] A Fearsome Flyer 1000?

[This gets him to realize who really left it for him. He rushes outside and catches Mr. Grouse just before he leaves.]

Lincoln: Hey, Mr. Grouse. Thanks for the sled.

Mr. Grouse: Don't thank me. Thank Santa. [winks] Merry Christmas, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Merry Christmas, Mr. Grouse [runs off to try his sled; to the viewers.] Well, another Christmas has come and gone. But this year, I got the best present ever: a new friend. I think from now on, things are gonna be pretty different around here. [puts on his helmet and sleds down the slide again.] Ha ha! Yeah!

[The Fearsome Flyer 1000 hits the rock just like Big Red did, and this time, crashes through Mr. Grouse's window.]

Mr. Grouse: [livid] LOUD!

Lincoln: [worried] Maybe not that different. [rushes off]

[As he runs away, Luan pops up.]

Luan: [to the viewers] Well, I guess that about wraps things up! YES! I DID IT! [presses her remote and the counter finally reads 12.] That's twelve! Merry Christmas! [gets snared in one of Lana's reindeer traps with her fake antlers sticking out.] Aah!

Lana: [jumping with joy] WOO-HOO! I FINALLY GOT ONE!


	81. Snow Way Out

**Snow Way Out**

One cold day in the Loud house, Laney could only see all the snow falling from the sky. If there's on thing Laney likes about this time of season, it's playing in the snow.

[Laney looks out the window and sighs happily at the snow falling from the ground]

Laney: [sighs] I love the snow... [Sees Lana running to the kitchen] Hey, Lana. Wanna go out sledding later?

Lana: No time! My racecar hero Bobbie Fletcher's at the Burpin' Burger holding a contest! We gotta go!

Laney: Wait! THE Bobbie Fletcher? [beat] Never heard of her. But I have heard about those delicious burgers!

Lana: Come on! Let's get the others! [Grabs Laney and dashes off]

[In the kitchen, Leni turns on her dryer and points it to a pot of goulash, as her way of defrosting it.]

Leni: Dinner's almost ready, guys!

[The camera zooms out, showing the Loud siblings (except Lana, Laney, and Lily) watching what Leni is doing.]

Lincoln: Uh, Leni, what are you doing?

Leni: Defrosting the goulash Dad left us.

Lori: Maybe you should try the stove.

Leni: Good idea. I was worried this would give goulash split-ends, anyway.

Lana: Forget the goulash! My favorite racecar driver Bobbie Fletcher is holding a contest tonight at the Burpin' Burger! [fantasy of Lana winning the wrapper appears.] Whoever finds a burger with a tire mark wrapper gets to be an honorary member of her pit crew!

Bobbie: [in Lana's imagination, opens the window of her car and the window of her racing helmet.] I see you got the winning wrapper! Welcome aboard, Lana!

[Lana, in a racing outfit, holds a burger wrapper with tire tracks that reads WINNER. End fantasy with Lana in the same pose]

Lana: I know what you're gonna say. Mom and Dad left us plenty of food to eat while they're away for the weekend, but-

[The horn on Vanzilla honks. Lana and Laney notice their siblings left and are now in the car]

Lincoln: You had us at "Burpin' Burger"!

Laney: [laughs] I think they're just in it for the burgers.

Lana: [eagerly grabs her coat] HOPS! JACKET JUMP!

[Hops hops right into Lana's jacket and winks at Lana]

Lana: [rushes out the door] Whoo-hoo! Yeah! [Laney follows her]

Lisa: Siblings, I'd like to call your attention to the rapidly descending ice crystals, street name, snow!

Lana: Fine, Lis. You can stay here and eat the goulash.

Lisa: I call shotgun! [rushes in]

[Burpin' Burger. Lori parks Vanzilla and the kids get out to the promotion stand]

Announcer: Please welcome racing champion, Bobbie Fletcher!

[Bobbie's car comes up onto the stage with the crowd cheering. She gets out and takes off her helmet]

Lana: Yes!

Lola: There she is!

Laney: Wow. A real racecar driver!

Bobbie: Thanks for coming out, racing fans! I wanna give a huge thanks to my sponsor, Burpin' Burger. Let me tell ya, you can't get past the starting line without quality fuel, and mine is right here. [holds up a burger] The Big Belcher with extra pickles. [takes a bite]

[The crowd cheers some more]

Laney: [drools] Mmmmm... Big belcher...

Bobbie: I can't wait to have one of you folks on my pit crew. All you gotta do is find the burger wrapper that looks just like this. [holds up the wrapper with tired tracks that reads WINNER]

Laney: [To Lana] This contest is gonna be a cinch! I can almost taste that big belcher.

Bobbie: Ladies and gentlemen, start your stomachs! [waves the green flag]

[A horn blares and the crowd rushes into the restaurant, but Flip cuts right to the front]

Laney: [growls] Flip! We were here first!

Flip: Oh yeah, sister? I don't see your name on this line. [Laney growls even more]

Laney never liked Flip. And who would? Flip was never an honest man. He'd always find a way to scam people out of their money and take advantage of them.

Flip: Give me a dozen burgers, and try to make one of them the winner!

Employee: A dozen? Wow. You must really want to be on that pit crew.

Flip: [sarcastic] Oh, yeah. Bippity Fletchman, huge fan.

Laney: Bobbie Fletcher...

Flip: No one asked you, squirt.

Laney: SQUIRT?! THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA- [Laney tries to attack Flip but her sisters hold her back] Let me go! Let me go!

Flip: Anywho. I'm just gonna sell the winning wrapper to some sucker for big bucks. [The employee brings him his burgers] Come to Flippy! [starts opening up his wrappers]

Lana: [begging with her fingers crossed] No wrapper, no wrapper, no wrapper.

Laney: Don't worry, Lana. He'll never win. Cheaters never prosper.

Flip: Dang it! All losers! Keep those burgers cookin', slim, 'cuz I'll be back for more once I scratch up some moolah. [leaves]

[The Loud Kids are next]

Lana: We'd like eleven Big Belchers and one Baby Belcher, please.

Employee: Okay, that'll be $25.

Lana: Uh, don't worry, guys. I got this. [rummages through her pocket and picks out a gross wad with a bunch of stuff stuck to it] Let's see. My gum collection...banana peel...owl's foot...ah, here it is. [gives the employee a coupon]

Employee: Oh. One of our Kids Eat Free coupons. Great. [beat] Wait. Did you just say owl's foot?

Luan: Yeah! Isn't she a hoot? [laughs]

Employee: [unimpressed] Next.

[The others are waiting and Lana brings them their burgers]

Lana: Alright, guys, dig in.

[The kids chow down on their burgers. When they finish, Lana looks for the wrapper, but none of them are the one]

Leni: Sorry we didn't find the winning wrapper, Lana.

Laney: But if it makes you feel any better. Those burgers were delicious.

[Hops wipes a tear from Lana with his tongue. Lisa is observing the snow]

Lisa: The frozen precipitation is accumulating rapidly. I suggest we skedaddle.

Lana: Wait! Don't you guys want another round?

Lynn and Laney: [astonished] We can have seconds?

Lincoln: How are we gonna pay for it?

[Lana peeks out from behind the trash bin and notices the coupon still jutting out from the register]

Lana: Hops. Sticky snag.

[Hops grabs the coupon with his tongue]

Lana: [snatches it] Bull's eye. [goes to the counter] I'll take 12 more burgers, please. And I have another coupon. [gives it to the employee]

Employee: [groans with the coupon stuck to his hand] Why is it so sticky?

[Lana and Hops wink. Another round of burgers later, everyone except Lana and Laney looks queasy from eating their seconds. Lola belches]

Lana: Ugh. Still nothing. We have to order more burgers!

Lisa: Uh, in light of the worsening meteorological conditions... [burps] ...perhaps we should follow the lead of the other patrons and amscray.

[The others are leaving]

Hefty Blonde: Come on. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Unknown Woman: I do not like the look of that sky.

Lana: Oh, let them leave. That'll make our chances even better. Come on, you guys, one more round.

[The others except Laney groan in nausea]

Lincoln: [queasy] I can't eat anything else.

Luan: [nauseated] I can't even joke about burgers right now.

Laney: I can go for another round!

Lincoln: Seriously? How can you not feel full after all those burgers?

Laney: Well, what can I say? I'm always one to support my sisters. And also mostly because I LOVE burpin' burgers! [Belches]

Lucy: Too much if you ask me...

Lana: Great. Laney can eat some of the burgers, and Hops and I will take some home for breakfast.

[Hops burps and the others sigh]

Lana: Great. Be right back. Don't move. [grabs Hops and steps on Leni's legs out of the booth to the dumb blonde's shock]

[Lana is behind the bin again and the coupon is still jutting out. Hops fires his tongue, but this time, the employee puts a meal on the counter, causing his tongue to hide the shake dispenser, pouring shake on the floor and making the employee slip and fall]

Lana: Let's try that again, buddy.

[Hops lands his tongue on the coupon this time, but the employee grabs it]

Employee: Hey, you little sneak! [tears up the coupon] You want more burgers, you gotta pay for them!

Lana: [nervous] Okay, um, not a prob. [gathers up loose change under the booths, in the potted plants plus a worm for Hops, under the table with some gum, and in the ball pit; pours little change and some junk on the counter] 12 more burgers, please.

Employee: [grossed out] Jeez. [reaches for one of the pieces of junk]

Lana: [grabs it] Whoops. That's my chicken beak.

[The employee, disgusted, takes the rest, puts it in the register, and gives Lana the burgers]

Employee: Are you guys almost done? I wanna get outta here. I rode my bike to work.

Lana: Don't worry. We'll be leaving soon. I got a great feeling about this batch.

Laney: Me too!

[All the wrappers are unwrapped]

Lincoln: Sorry, Lana. I don't have it.

Luna: Me neither, dude.

Luan: Same here. I guess that's a wrap! [laughs and realizes the bad timing] Oh. Sorry.

[Only one wrapper left. Lana opens it up, and it's not the winner]

Lana: [heartbroken] Dang it. I guess I'm not gonna be on Bobbie Fletcher's pit crew.

Laney: [pats Lana's head] That's okay, Lana. Maybe someday you'll be on her crew.

Leni: [grossed out] Ew. Someone wrapped my burger in this dirty old rag.

[She's actually holding the winning wrapper]

Lana: [overjoyed] LENI! YOU FOUND IT! YOU FOUND IT! [takes it and laughs]

Employee: Finally. [puts on his helmet and closes up the counter]

Lana: [laughs some more] Finding this wrapper means the world to me. Thanks for all your help, guys.

Lynn: Alright, now let's get home so I can let 'em rip in privacy.

Lucy: [gags; to Luna and Luan] Can we bunk with you guys tonight?

[They're about to leave. Leni opens the door and walks into some white stuff, making her siblings gasp]

Leni: Oops. This must be the closet where they keep their snow.

Lincoln: No, Leni. We're snowed in.

[Outside shows that they are indeed trapped]

Luna: "Aw, man. Are we gonna be stuck here all night?"

Employee: [devastated] "No! I just worked a 12-hour shift! I can't take another second in this greasy dungeon!"

[He tries to cycle his way through the snow, but it's useless. The kids pull him out and put him in a chair]

Luan: Sorry, buddy, there's snow way out! [giggles]

[The employee starts crying and Laney comforts him. Suddenly, a loud engine is heard and some tires screech, causing a thud, and it turns out to be Flip]

Flip: Guess who just earned a bunch of cheddar digging stranded suckers out of the snow? [holds out his money] Lay a dozen burgers on me, bicycle boy!

Lana: You can save your cheddar. I already found the winning wrapper.

Flip: What?! Bull hockey! That baby was gonna make me a fortune! I'm out!

Lincoln: Flip, wait! Can you give us a ride home? We're stuck here.

Flip: Stuck, are ya? I can help you out...for a price. Let's say, uh, I don't know...one winning wrapper?

Laney: Forget it you weasel! We stomached through too many burgers to give this up now! We'll find our own way out!

Flip: Suit yourself, but this offer expires the second that door hits my keister.

[The employee latches onto Flip]

Employee: [frantic] Wait! I'll give you anything! My employee discount!

Flip: Throw in a jumbo sack of curly fries and you got a deal.

Employee: [grabs the sack and runs out] I'm free!

Flip: [to the kids] Catch ya on the Flip side! [leaves]

Laney: Bah! We don't need him! We got this!

Lori: Well, I hope you know what you're doing, guys, because I am literally not sleeping on hamburger wrappers.

Lana: No worries. Flip's truck cleared the path, so we just need to make it to Vanzilla.

[Flip's truck backs right into the restaurant]

Flip: Whoops!

[As he drives away, more snow falls and blocks the exit, making the kids groan]

Laney: [Shakes her fist angrily] YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!

Lana: Don't worry, I got this. Trust me. I'll get us out. [looks behind the counter and finds some fry scoops] And I know just how to do it.

[Lana and Laney are digging through the snow with the fry scoops and smells something]

Lana: Leaky gas and old string cheese. [sniffs some more] We're close to Vanzilla.

Laney: How did you know?

Lana: Charles has been giving me bloodhound lessons. [digs all the way to one of Vanzilla's doors] There you are, old girl! I'll have you out in a jiffy. [unearths Vanzilla] Hey, guys! We're going home!

[The kids are now in Vanzilla]

Lori: You literally did it, guys!

Lana: Thanks. [the others cheer for her and Laney] Ha. And you guys wanted me to give my wrapper to Flip.

Laney: Uh, we never wanted you to do that. And thank goodness we didn't!

[Lori tries to start the engine up, but it doesn't start]

Lana: Hmm...better check the engine block. [opens the hood] Of ice?

[The others groan]

Lola: If you'd just let Flip give us a ride, we'd be home by now!

Laney: Hey! No way are we gonna give Lana's dream away just so it can be a part of Flip's scam!

Lori: [groans while looking at her phone] There's no signal here! I'm gonna warm up inside and use the landline!

[The others go back in the restaurant]

Lana: Don't worry, Hops. We'll figure this out.

Laney: Already have! [dashes off and returns with a bucket of grease] Nothing warms a car up like hot burger grease! [Tries to toss the grease but it froze into a block of ice and it falls to the ground] Frozen burger grease... [sighs] Now what do we do?

Lana: [Gets an idea] I know just the thing. [goes inside and brings back something] Burger warming lamp!

[She turns it on, but it short circuits and causes a blackout in the restaurant]

Lana and Laney's Siblings: Dang it.

[The kids are shivering in the dark]

Lori: No signal. No landline. Bobby has no idea where I am. I feel so alone.

Lola: Bobby is the least of our problems! I'm so cold I can't feel my tushie!

Lincoln: Come on, guys. We need to stay positive. We could be here all night.

[Hops notices this, hops to Lana and Laney, and gets their attention while Lana's trying to defrost the engine]

Laney: I think Hops is trying to tell us something.

Lana: Hops, not now. We'll play later. [Hops grabs her and leads her back to the restaurant] Hops.

[Hops shows Lana the condition her siblings are in. Lily starts coughing]

Lori: Oh, poor thing. I'll keep you warm.

Leni: [with napkins she put together] I made cute shawls. Who wants one?

Lola: I'd rather freeze my tushie off than be seen wearing n-n-napkins.

Lucy: If we huddle together and conserve our dwindling body heat, we may be able to stave off hypothermia.

[They all huddle up]

Lucy: I forgot how much I hate huddling.

Lana: [guilty] Aw, man. I've been so selfish. [crawls back]

Laney: What happened?

Lana: All our siblings are stuck freezng to death in there. And it's all my fault.

Laney: Oh no! Then we better hurry and de-ice this thing! [Laney tries to pick the ice using the pointy end of her paintbrush but Lana stops her]

Lana: No, Laney. I got a better idea. But, you're not going to like it...

[Later, a rumbling occurs and in comes what looks like a snow monster, making Lana's siblings scream in horror, but it shakes and reveals to be Flip]

Lincoln: Flip? What are you doing here?

Lana: [appears behind him] I tracked him down. I just followed the smell of curly fries and B.O.

Laney: [Also appears behind Flip pouting] Believe me. It wasn't my idea.

Lana: To be fair, I did told you you're not gonna like it.

Laney: You never said I'd hate it!

Lisa: You went out in these conditions? You could have lost a digit to frostbite.

Lana: I had to. I couldn't let you guys suffer all night because of me. So now Flip will take us home.

Flip: Right after I get that wrapper.

[Lana reluctantly hands the wrapper over to Flip, to everyone's shock]

Lincoln: We know how much that wrapper meant to you. Thanks for giving it up and getting us out of here. [hugs Lana]

Laney: I don't like Flip. I mean like at all. But today, you did something that he couldn't do: the right thing. [Hugs Lana]

[The others join in]

Lynn: Thanks, Lans.

Luna: Mighty dece of you.

Luan: We know how much this means to you, Lana.

[Flip's truck is pushing through the snow]

Laney: [Comforts Lana] Don't worry, Lana. I'm sure there will be some other way to be on Bobbie's pit crew]

[Just then they notice someone out there]

Flip: Well, lookie here, another sucker.

[It's revealed to be Bobbie Fletcher, and Flip just drives right past her]

Laney: Is that who I think it is?

Flip: Sit tight, chief! I'll be back for you later!

Lana: Wait! That's Bobbie Fletcher! Stop, Flip! We have to help her!

[Flip sighs and backs up to Bobbie's car and Lana gets out to her hero]

Lana: Excuse me, Ms. Fletcher? What happened?

Bobbie: Engine died. This baby can hit 210 in the straightaway, but throw a little snow at her and she conks out.

[Lana looks at the engine]

Lana: Mind if I-

Bobbie: It's all yours.

[Lana is working on the engine]

Lana: See if she'll turn over now.

[Bobbie tries it and it works]

Bobbie: Dang. My pit crew isn't even that fast. What's your name, sport?

Lana: [proud] Lana Loud.

Bobbie: Well, thank you, Lana Loud. [gives Lana her business card] Give me a call when you're 18. I could use someone like you on my team.

Lana: Wow! Thanks! [goes back into Flip's truck]

Laney: Looks like you got lucky after all!

[Her siblings cheer]

Lori: Way to go, Lana.

[Flip is unimpressed and rolls down his window]

Flip: Hey, Blippity Fletchman! She may have fixed your car, but I'm the one who brought her here. How about a little something for me?

Bobbie: Coming right up, pal.

[Bobbie revs up her engine and speeds off, blasting some snow all over Flip]

Laney: [smirks] Now that's what I call a chilly reception. [laughs with her siblings. Flip groans]


	82. Mall of Duty

**Mall of Duty**

[The Rip Hardcore show is on; he is leaping through the trees]

Rip: Now, remember, Rippers, if you want to hunt down critters, use the four D's: Droppings, Disturbances, Dens and Diet. [comes across a pile of poop and smells it] Mmm...emu droppings. And it's still warm. With a little luck and my tracking bandanna... [puts on said bandanna] ...I'll be eating emu stew in no time. [howls]

[It's revealed that Lincoln and his younger sisters are watching it]

Lola: Ew! Who is this poop sniffing weirdo?

Lincoln: Rip Hardcore is not a weirdo, Lola. He happens to be the world's leading expert in wilderness survival. [holds up his book with such a title] And a pretty cool guy to boot.

Lola: I'll give you a boot if you don't change it back to the "Power Hour of Princess Time"!

Lynn Sr.: Lynn Jr., let's go! You're late for Rugby!

[Lynn comes down the stairs in her Rugby gear]

Lynn: Think fast, Dad! [chucks her ball at her dad] AWOO! [runs to the car]

Rita: Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, hurry up! The school Open House started five minutes ago! Ugh, these kids. Where are they?

[Vanzilla honks and it's revealed that the aforementioned daughters are already in; Lori waves to her mom]

Rita: Oh. They're waiting for me.

Lynn Sr.: Thanks for taking care of your little sisters today, Lincoln. You're really helping us out of a jam.

Rita: [looks at her watch] We'll be back by 5:00. We are proud of you for being so responsible.

[The parents leave]

Lincoln: Thanks for helping me, Laney. It gets rought trying to handle these guys.

Laney: Come on, Lincoln. They're not that hard to take care of. Besides, mom and dad can trust you can be responsible. It's not like you'll lose them or something.

[Just then, a commercial came on]

Rip: Hey there, Rippers. My Hardcore Mall Tour is coming to a mall near you. Today...

Robotic voiceover: Saturday.

Rip: ...I'll be signing copies of my new survival guide at...

Robotic voiceover: The Royal Woods Mall.

Lincoln: [gasps] Rip is at the Royal Woods Mall today? I gotta go get my book signed!

Laney: But, Lincoln. You need be here watching us.

Lincoln: No worries, Lanes. If I'm home by 5:00, they'll never have to know. [to his younger sisters] Who wants to go to the mall?

Laney: I got a bad feeling about this...

[The mall; the kids are waiting in line]

Lana: Ugh. Lincoln, this is lame. Can't we go do something fun?

Lincoln: Right after we wait in this really short line to get Rip's autograph.

Lucy: Is the really short line at the end of this really long line?

[Pan-out to show the ridiculous length of the line]

Laney: Maybe we can do something to pass the time?

Lincoln: Right! How about we play a game? I Spy. I'll go first. I spy...

Lisa: Somehow who is not keeping his sisters intellectually stimulated.

Tough guy: [laughs] Burn.

[Lincoln glares at him]

Lincoln: How about 20 Questions? Lola, you first. Person, place, or thing?

Lola:Person.

Lincoln: [covering his baby sisters ears] Alive or dead?

Lola: [looks at her brother, observingly] Alive...for now. But he's pushing his luck!

Lincoln: Okay... [takes out his yo-yo] ...how about we take a trip around the world? [twirls it around and slips it right on the tough guy's eye] Oh. Sorry. [takes his yo-yo back]

Lucy: Lincoln, you've tortured us long enough. We're leaving.

[The younger sisters sans Lily and Laney prepare to leave]

Lincoln: [stops them] No, wait!

Flip: Flippees for sale! Buy one, get a second one at the exact same price!

[Lincoln goes to the Flippee stand and gets some for his sisters]

Lincoln:Okay... [hands two to Lola and Lana] ...you two get raspberry... [gives two to Lisa and Lily] ...you two get lime... [gives one to Lucy] ...you get black... [gives one to Laney] You get cherry. [gives one to the big guy] ...and a lemon Flippee for the good-natured gentleman in back of us.

[The guy takes a sip, but...]

Tough guy: This isn't lemon. It's banana.

Lincoln: Well, who doesn't love banana?

Tough guy: [breaks out in hives] People who have banana allergies!

Laney: Don't worry, sir. [reaches into her backpack] I think I have a epipen in here somewhere... [finds three epipens] Um. I don't think have one for banana... sorry.

Lana: I finished my Flippee! I gotta pee.

Lucy: Me too.

Lola: Me three!

Lisa: Uh, I, too, need to see a man about a horse.

Lincoln: Uh, Laney? Can you hold our spot.

Laney: Sorry, I can't. I finished mine too...

Lincoln: [frantically thinking] Uh...um... [to the big guy] Can you save our place while I take them to the bathroom? Please?

Tough guy: Sure, kid. No problem.

Lincoln: Thanks. Let's go.

[They all rush to the bathroom]

[They come back]

Lincoln: Thanks again.

Tough guy: [stops the kids] Excuse me? I've never seen you before! Of course, my eyes are pretty swollen from these hives, so...

Lincoln: I'm really sorry about that.

Tough guy: Back of the line, pal!

Lincoln: But the line's, like, twice as long now!

[The girls groan in frustration and they all go back to the increasingly long line. Laney stops and gives the tough guy a lotion]

Laney: Here. This shoul treat the hives... [walks away]

[At the back of the line]

Lincoln: I know this looks bad, but we'll be there before you know it.

Lady: [coming by with her signed book] Oh, yes! That two-hour wait was so worth it! [howls]

Scoots: Two hours? Rip's my BAE, but nobody keeps Scoots waiting. I'm getting a soft pretzel. [drives off]

Lucy: Forget it, Lincoln. We're done with this line.

[The train ride toots its horn, catching Lincoln's attention]

Lincoln: Yes you are!

[The little sisters are now in the train]

Lincoln: All aboard! [gets out a quarter] It's my treat. [puts it in the slot and the ride starts]

Lola: Lincoln, we're bored.

Lincoln: [warily] Of course you're bored. You aren't wearing your conductor hats! [gives them each a hat which only Lily likes]

Lola: This is unsanitary.

Lisa: [sarcastic] Oh, yes. This makes all the difference.

Lincoln: Then let's go for the 20-ride special! [puts all his quarters in the slot, causing it to shake a little]

Laney: Uh, Lincoln? Are you sure it's a good idea to put all those quarters in?

Lincoln: Of course it is, Laney. And besides, you'll be there to watch over them. Later! [Runs back to the long line]

Laney: [crosses her arms; sarcastically] Oh wow. You're doing a great job being responible, Lincoln. [She then notices the train getting faster]

Sisters (sans Lily): Wooooaah!

Laney: Uh oh! Hang on guys! [Holds on to a part the train as it goes faster] Uhhh! I knew this was a bad idea! Okay, stay calm! I'll get you all out of here! Just, remain seated while I find the- [She then smashes into the meter and everything goes black]

[Cut to Lincoln in the long line at the bookstore. He waits a really, really, really long time till he's next]

Lincoln: Yes! I'm next! [goes in nervously]

Rip: How's it going, buddy? [gets no response from Lincoln] I, uh, see you've got a copy of my book there. Would you like me to sign it? [still no response] I'll just take that. [takes Lincoln's book and signs Your mate, Rip Hardcore in it and gives it back] Rippin' to meet ya.

[Lincoln scuttles out of the book store, regains his nerves, and looks at his watch]

Lincoln: Now I just gotta grab my sisters and get home. [goes back to the train ride] Okay, guys, now we can do whatever you... [sees the train is gone] Where'd they go? [Sees Laney on the floor groaning] Laney! [Runs up to her and shakes her] Laney! Are you okay.

Laney: [woozy] Woah man... I had the strangest dream. I was on a speeding train with four kids...

Lincoln: The kids! Laney, what happened?

Laney: [confused] Laney? Who's Laney?

Lincoln: What are you talking about? You're Laney.

Laney: [still confused] I'm sorry kid. You must've mistaken me for someone else.

Lincoln: What the? Oh, I see. You're pretending to have amnesia so you can get out of paying Luna that 20 dollars you owe her.

Laney: Who's Luna?

Lincoln: [laughs] Okay, I'll play along. Where are the other siblings?

Laney: Umm... Are you lost or something? [rubs her head] Oh, my head. [Lincoln notices the big red bruise on her forehead]

Lincoln: [shocked] Holy cow! You do have amnesia! Oh, what have I done!? [panicking] Okay! Okay! No problem! [Looks at his watch] We still have an hour and a half to fix this! Okay, Laney. You have to remember, it's me. Lincoln.

Laney: Lincoln? What kind of parents name thier son after some dead president?

Lincoln: Oh, I'm so dead... Okay, nevermind. How do I find the others? [Notices the tire tracks] Aha! I'll just follow these tracks! [follows them, but bumps into a janitor who is cleaning the floor with a floor sweeper] How am I ever going to track them down? [realizes] Wait! Track! [looks in the book] How to purify urine...how to build a fire with toenails... Ah! How to track animals in the wild. With a little luck, my tracking bandanna, and the Four D's, I'll find my sisters in no time.

Laney: Sisters? I have sisters?

Lincoln: Yes, Laney! 10 of them. All girls. And I'm the only boy.

Laney: Only boy? How does that... [she remembers something and gasps] Lincoln! [hugs him] I remember now! I do have a brother!

Lincoln: Yeah!

Laney: And I have ten sisters!

Lincoln: Yeah!

Laney: And you're completely irresponsible.

Lincoln: [less happy] Yeah... But! I'm gonna fix this! I will help you remember! Come on! [he grabs Laney and begins his search] Disturbances, dens, diet... [notices something] Oh! Droppings. [dips a half-eaten corn dog in the droppings and it disintegrates] Just as I suspected: Lisa's chemicals. She can't be far.

Laney: [Stil amnesiac] Lisa? Is she one of my sisters you're talking about?

Lincoln: Yes! Remember? She's the genius one. Always making chemicals and inventions and solves complex math equations.

Laney: Wow. She sounds a university's professor. Are you sure she's my sister?

Lincoln: Trust me. [The trail leads him and Laney to the appliance store that a ton of people flee in terror screaming, revealing a robot created by none other than Lisa]

Lisa: Greetings, brother and sister. The devices in this store were highly inefficient. They only performed one task each. So I combined them into one appliance that can do anything.

Appliance Robot: [showing some demos] CRUSHED ICE? PRESSED SHIRT?

Laney: Speaking of ice. Do you think I can have some? My head is pounding... [rubs her head. Lisa then notices her bruise]

Lisa: Hmm. You seem to be suffering severe head trauma, Laney. Luckily my robot is also programmed for first aid. [Lisa's robot shows some bandages]

Appliance Robot: BANDAGE? GAUZE?

Laney: Uh. I still don't see how she's my sister.

Lincoln: [to Lisa] She's got amnesia.

Lisa: I see. Then again, that probably happened because of your irresponsibily. Laney, might I reccomend you take some thiamin? It's a common vitamin that can help treat retrograde amnesia.

Laney: Retrograde amnesia?

Lisa: Indeed. It's very common for people to have this and not remember anything prior to their injury.

Laney: [confused] I can't seem to understand all that... [gasps and realizes] Science talk! Lisa! Now I remember! [Hugs Lisa] Where would I be without your big brain of yours?

Lisa: I can dream, can't I?

Lincoln: Okay, that's enough of that. Where are the others?

Lisa: I am uncertain. I was ejected from the train when we took a sharp turn at the sofa store. It was clearly overstimulated by the excessive quarters you fed it.

Lincoln: Come on! We have to find them! [takes Lisa and Laney and moves out; finds another D] Oh! Disturbances.

Lisa: What are you babbling about?

Lincoln: Rip says... [he quotes as a picture of Rip appears in the corner of the screen] ...you can tell if an animal has been around by a disturbance in the environment. Look!

[They look at a clothing store and find one mannequin wearing a gothic style outfit accompanied by a familiar spooky fanfare]

Laney: Ugh... Creepy. Who'd put that on display?

Lincoln and Lisa: Lucy.

Laney: Lucy?

Lincoln: Yeah. She's the creepy one.

Laney: I see that...

[Lucy is giving Flip a fortune]

Flip: Alright, little psychic girl, give me some good news.

Lucy: [looking into her crystal ball] Ohmmmm...your business will soon make a big splash.

Lincoln: [grabs her] Sorry, folks, no more fortunes today.

Flip: Sweet! A great fortune, and I don't have to pay! [drinks his Flippee]

Laney: [Looks at Lucy oddly] So... You're my sister, huh?

Lincoln: [To Lucy] She's got amnesia.

Lucy: Sigh... Of course. We're all victims of memory, constanly fading away. Like our existences mean nothing more than figments of imagination...

Laney: [down] Wow... that sounds. [realizes again] Depressing! [Hugs Lucy] Lucy! It is you! [feels awkward as Lucy just stares at her] Um... maybe I should stop with the hugging...

Lincoln: Perfect! I'm one step closer to fixing everything. But I still need to find all my sisters. Hmm... No droppings, no disturbances... [stops] Wait a minute. Den! Rip says... [Rip square appears again] ...you can track a creature by finding its natural habitat.

[Rip gives Lincoln a thumbs up and they notice the Princess Palace]

Lincoln, Lisa and Lucy: Lola.

Laney: Lola?

Lucy: I think the princess palace should be expanation enough.

[They go inside and find a bunch of kids looking at Lola who is sitting on a throne]

Lincoln: Lola, playtime's over. We gotta go.

Lola: That's no way to speak to your queen! Send him to the dungeon!

Laney: [remebers] Oh yeah... now it's coming back to me.

[The other kids get ready to attack Lincoln and Laney]

Lincoln: Lola, wait! I just came to tell you, uh...there's another queen outside who says she's more powerful than you.

Lola: What? Well, I'll have her head!

[They charge out of the store and find nothing]

Lola: There's no one here. You lied! Well played, sir.

Laney: I just wish I can forget how much of a brat she is...

Lola: Brat!?

Lincoln: Don't hurt her! She has amnesia!

Lola: Bah! I bet she just pretend so she can get out of paying Luna that 20 bucks she owes her!

Laney: [scratches her head in confusion] Are you sure I even belong in this family? You guys are crazy!

Lincoln: Trust me. You get used to it. Let's move out.

[The others follow while Lola stops]

Lola: [to her subjects] Take care of my kingdom! [leaves]

[They continue and Lincoln finds some bones]

Lincoln: Aha! I found another D: Diet!

Lucy: Lincoln, that's not human food.

Lincoln: It is if the human is...

[They all notice they're right by the pet shop]

Lincoln, Lisa, Lucy, and Lola: Lana.

Laney: Do I even have to ask about this one?

[Lincoln enters and finds Lana in a duck pen]

Lincoln: Lana, out. Let's go.

Lana: No can do, Lincoln. I gotta keep these duck eggs warm.

[The eggs hatch into ducklings; Lana comes out of the pen]

Laney: Awww! They're so cute! You really have a thing for animals don't you Lana? [gasps as she remembers again] Lana! I forgot how much you love animals!

Lana: What's up with Laney?

Lincoln: [To Lana] Long story short: she has amnesia and I'm trying to help her remember.

Lana: How did that happen?

Lincoln: Uhh.. Well, it definitely wasn't my fault. That's for sure! Now, let's go. [They leave and the ducks come out of their pen]

Lincoln: [looking at his watch] Okay, we still have time to get home before Mom and Dad.

Laney: Well, let's hurry up and get home. I could really use a rest after this whole day.

Lucy: So, we're just leaving Lily here?

Lincoln: Gah! Lily! I totally forgot! Where is she

Laney: Wait. I thought we got everybody.

Lincoln: No! We have one baby sister! But where is she?

Lana: Probably still on the train. She really liked that train.

[The train comes whizzing by with Lily still riding it]

Laney: Somebody stop that train!

Lincoln: [puts his other sisters on a bench] You guys stay here. [he and Laney run off]

[The ducklings suddenly appear and leap into Lana's arms. The train whizzes past Scoots who is at Flip's stand with Lincoln and Laney trying to catch up]

Lincoln: Um, excuse me, Ms. Scoots. Could you give me a ride, please? I need to catch that train.

Scoots: Uh, that sounds like a "you" problem.

Laney: But there is a baby in there! We have to stop her befer she gets hurt!

Scoots: Again, "you" problem.

Lincoln: [gets out his book] Look, you didn't get an autograph from Rip, right? How about if I give you mine?

Scoots: My BAE signed this? Deal! [takes the book, gives Lincoln and Laney helmets, puts them on and drives] OUTTA THE WAY, MOUTH-BREATHERS!

Lily: Choo-choo!

[The train goes around the mall with Scoots in hot pursuit. They catch up and Lincoln hops aboard, going one car at a time, but just as he's about to grab Lily, the engine and the cars separate and go down different paths. Lincoln uses his yo-yo as a rope to swing into the engine. They crash into many kiosks, including Flip's. Flip falls into the fountain]

Flip: Spooky psychic girl was right. My business did make a big splash.

[Lincoln gets Lily off the train]

Lola: Good job, Linky.

Lincoln: Thanks. Well, we'd better get going.

Lucy: Wait. What happened to your signed book? Isn't that the whole reason we came here?

Lincoln: I gave it to Scoots so she'd help me catch Lily.

Lisa: [remorseful] Oh, sorry, big brother. For reasons incomprehensible to me, I know that autograph was important to you.

Lincoln: Not as important as you guys. I never should have dragged you here in the first place. I was supposed to be responsible for you. [takes off his bandanna] I'm sorry.

Lana: It's okay, big brother. We forgive you.

Lola: [skeptical] Ish.

Laney: Wow, Lincoln. You really are responsible giving up your book like that. [remebers for one last time] I remember everything! Well, at least what happened today. Thanks, Lincoln. I guess you can be responsible.

Lincoln: You're welcome. Now, let's go home.

[They get ready to leave]

Appliance Robot: May I come with?

Lisa: Negatory. Your services are needed more here than in my home. This mall requires a thorough clean-up. Make me proud.

[She leaves and the robot gets to work]

As soon as the kids got home, Lincoln and the others got to work on regaining Laney's memory. It wasn't before long until everything was back to normal as if the whole mall episode never happened.

[Back home, the kids are doing what they did before they left as if nothing happened. Laney holds and ice pack to her head]

Lincoln: Again, Laney. I'm sorry that my irresponsbility caused you to lose your memory.

Laney: That's okay, Lincoln. Today, you proved that you can be a responsible brother after all. Well, in your own weird way. But I still like my way better. No one gets hurt that way.

[Their parents and older sisters return]

Rita: Hey, guys. We're home.

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, guess what? We stopped at the mall, and Rip Hardcore was there signing books! We know you're a big fan, so we got you one. [gives Lincoln an autographed book]

[Lincoln opens it up and finds the autograph there]

Rita: A little thank you for helping us out today. It's so great that we can count on you.

Lincoln: [guilty] Actually, I have to tell you something. The truth is-

Lana: [shuts him up] He let us jump on the bed.

Lucy: But only because we kept bugging him.

Lisa: Lincoln was a top-rate babysitter.

Laney: And might I add, very responsible.

Lola: I give him a 9 out of 10.

Lynn Sr.: [chuckles] I think we can live with that.

[The parents leave]

Lincoln: What'd ya do that for?

Lana: That was my little thank you for letting us keep the ducklings.

Lincoln: [aghast] Wait, what?!

[Lucy, Lola, and Lisa each hold up a duckling, showing that they came with them and mama Lana]

Laney: Yay! New pets!


	83. The Crying Dame

**The Crying Dame**

It was a quiet day in the Loud House one that won't last long...

[Laney was in her room reading a John Ruby novel when she suddenly hears someone crying]

Laney: Huh? [Laney comes downstairs and sees Lily crying]

[The living room, Lily is crying and Lisa is poking her diaper to see if its dirty.]

Lisa: Negative, it's clean. [Enter Laney]

Laney: Aw, Lily. What's the matter? [Picks Lily up] Are you hungry? [Lily continues crying]

Lucy: Don't bother. She's not gassy, hungry, nor cranky.

Laney: Then, why is she crying?

[Rita and Lynn Sr. opens the door.]

Rita: Hey guys, how's it going?

Lynn: Terrible, Lily's crying for a hour, and we can't figure out why.

Lincoln: Yeah, we tried anything to get her to stop, [pulls up the paperclip board of what could be wrong with her.] She's not hungry, gassy, or sleepy! She has her blankie, and her giraffe!

Rita: [picks Lily up] Well, sometimes, babies just cry and you don't know the reason. Oh, it's okay, sweetie.

Lynn Sr.: You guys did plenty of crying when you were babies, trust me. [realizes] Except Lucy. She just...stared at us.

Rita: [terrified] Yeah. That's why we grew her bangs out.

Lucy: I can still see you.

[The parents quiver with fear]

Rita: Anyway, try to have a little patience with Lily, kids. She'll stop crying when she's ready.

Leni: I guess you're right. We'll just learn to live with it.

Lola: [scoffs] Speak for yourself.

Lisa: Yes, her caterwauling is unbearable.

Lincoln: We need a plan. [Laney then realizes something then raises her hand] Yes, Laney?

Laney: I know how we can stop Lily's crying! We just need to cheer her up!

Leni: Like, how are we gonna do that?

Laney: Just leave everything to me. I know a thing or two about babies... [Laney walks over to the kitchen. Then wipe to her playing peek a boo with Lily's blanket] Wheeeeere's Laney? [reveals her face from the blanket] Here I am! [Lily was still crying] Huh? Oh! Maybe a silly face will sell it. [Hides herself with the blanket again] Wheeeeeere's Laney? [reveals herself with a funny facy] Here I am! [Lily continues to cry] Um... Okay! No problem, we'll play something else. [Cut to Laney holding out some fingerpaints] Wanna paint? [Lily is still crying, cut to Laney holding out a book looking exhausted] How about another Burnstein Bears adventure?... [Lily was still crying. Laney passes out on the table and her sisters pick her up and heads back to the living room]

Lincoln: What happened in there, Laney?

Laney: I... I tried everything in my Lily expertise but I... couldn't get her to stop crying! FOR 20 MINUTES! IS THERE NOTHING THAT CAN SHUT HER UP!?

Luna: Woah! Chill out, Lanes!

Lincoln: Yeah. You'd never said that about Lily before.

Laney: [Calms down and sighs] I'm sorry. I'm just really stressed out today. Usually, Lily likes to play with me. And that always make her happy. But today, she just wasn't in the mood today. I wish there was some way to make her feel better.

Lori: [Realizes something and gets an idea] I've got it! [walks a few steps up]

Lincoln: Leaving is not a plan!

Lori: [holds up one of her baby pictures with a toy] No. Fenton the Feel-Better Fox. My favorite toy when I was a baby. He always cheered me up.

Laney: [Looks at the picture]I don't know. It looks kind of weird.

Lori: I know Fenton looks odd. But it's a sure way to stop Lily from crying. Let's go, it's still in the attic.

Lincoln: Worth a try. [some of the kids walk up to the attic]

Laney: [whispers to Lincoln] I wasn't talking about the toy...

[In the attic, while Lily is still crying, the others are looking for the toy.]

Lori: [pulls it out] Aha! I found him! [gives him to Lily] Look, Lily. This is Fenton. [turns him on]

Fenton: [moving and singing] _Cheer up, baby, don't you cry / No more tears, it's cheer-up time / Laugh with me and we will be / Happy happy happy_

[Lily likes it and cuddles with it]

Lincoln: Yes! It worked!

[Lily giggles and plays it again, this time she dances along]

Fenton: _Cheer up, baby, don't you cry / No more tears, it's cheer-up time / Laugh with me and we will be / Happy happy happy_

[The parents appear in the attic.]

Lynn Sr.: [gasps with horror] The demon toy! I thought you got rid of that!

Rita: I thought you did!

Lynn: What's the big whoop? We got Lily to stop crying. You're welcome.

Rita: You don't understand! That horrible fox drove us so crazy, we almost didn't have any more children!

Lisa: Well, you certainly went the other way with that.

Lynn Sr.: [gets earmuffs] Come on, honey. We'd better go soundproof our room.

Laney: Come on, dad. What's so bad about this toy, anyway? I personally find his song to be cute.

Rita: [laughs] It's cute now, but you'll see! YOU'LL ALL SEE!

[The parents leave, leaving the kids confused]

Lola: Pfft. They're just jealous that we're the ones who got Lily to stop crying.

Lily: Fa Fa. [Lily hugs Fenton while an ominous sting plays as the camera zooms in on Fenton, implying that Rita and Lynn Sr. weren't lying]

Moments have passed since Lily found Fenton and she would just play that song over...

Fenton: _Cheer up, baby, don't you cry / No more tears, it's cheer-up time / Laugh with me and we will be / Happy happy happy_

[Fenton's singing begin looping. As the song plays, Lincoln is unable to read his comic, Luna can't jam without the song overlapping, Lucy closes her coffin to block out the noise and Laney rips off pages of her book and uses it to plug her ears]

And over...

[Luan and Mr. Coconuts stare at each other, unimpressed]

And over...

[Leni brushes her hair while her eyes bob in tune with the song]

And over...

[Lola pours too much tea into a teacup due to being stressed out]

And over...

[Lana gets blasted by the bathroom sink while fixing it.]

And over.

[Becky and Whitney, annoyed by Fenton's singing, decide to bail out on Lori]

Lori: Wait, you guys, no!

[Too late, as they left already, causing Lori to sigh in defeat. As the song continues to play, more things begin to happen to the siblings. Lisa is blasted out of her room after squirting too much chemicals into a beaker due to being distracted, Lana, sitting in the shower, places a garbage can over her head in hopes of blocking out the noise, Lynn, while tossing a baseball against the wall, gets hit on the head due to looking away. Laney was trying to paint a picture in her stressed condition and ended painting a picture of Fenton. Frustrated, she takes the painting and smashes it. Lincoln knocks down a house of cards he was making due to the song stressing him out, causing him to growl in frustration, and Lola has her head covered with all of her stuffed dolls, while her eyes twitch]

 **THREE DAYS LATER**

[The kitchen. The song is still playing, and the Loud kids appear to be really tired, while their parents read the newspaper.]

Laney: Remeber when I said I found that song cute. I was wrong...

Lola: [cranky] Three nights of torture! I cannot lose any more beauty sleep!

Leni: [groggily] I was so tired last night, I fell asleep in the middle of cutting Lori's hair.

Lori: [shocked] What?! [looks at her reflection on a frying pan and discovers a huge bald spot on the back of her head, and runs away, screaming]

Lincoln: Mom, Dad, you were right. We admit it. Fenton is destroying our lives. [gets no response] Mom? Dad?

[Their parents are still wearing the earmuffs]

Lynn Sr.: [unaware of what Lincoln said, shouting] OH! WHEN DID YOU KIDS WAKE UP?

[They go back to their newspapers and leave]

Lola: You guys, I hate to say it, but we have no choice. THE FOX MUST GO! Actually, I didn't hate saying that.

Laney: Guys. We can't just get rid of Fenton. Lily loves that toy. It makes her happy. [Lola grabs her shirt]

Lola: Are you even listening to yourself, Laney? For THREE days that toy has drove us crazy!

Laney: I know that. But, we just wanted to make Lily happy. Taking that away from Lily would only make her sad again.

Lincoln: Don't worry, Laney. She'll have you to cheer her up. Trust us, we're doing the right thing by getting rid of that annoying fox.

Laney: Maybe it's just the fact that I am incredibly sick of this song. But I'm in!

[Lori and Leni's room. The sisters and Lincoln are having a sibling meeting.]

Lincoln: Okay, people, we are ready to commence Operation Freedom From Fenton the Feel-Better Fox. Here's a run-down of Lily's daily schedule. [shows some slides of Lily's activities now including Fenton] Coloring, feeding, bathing, napping, chewing on books. As you can see, she always has Fenton with her. But there is one exception: diaper change time. During this approximately 47-second window, Lily will be separated from the demon toy. That's when we strike.

[The sisters (sans Laney) cheer]

Lincoln: It's a tough mission, and some of you might not come back, but rest assured that your sacrifice will- [notices they left] Hey! I did not say "fall out"!

[In Lily's room, Luan picks Lily up]

Luan: Okay, Lily, you know what time it is!

[She puts Lily on the changing station while Leni, Luna, and Laney distract her. Luan gives the signal to Lisa on her portable camera]

Lisa: Okay, Lynn, go!

[Lynn skates in quietly and grabs Fenton and tosses it to Lincoln who puts it in a baby stroller that Lucy pushes to the window and dumps Fenton out the window to the twins who pass it to Lori who takes Fenton to a dumpster and throws him in, all while the toy keeps singing. Lily's changing is over, and she notices that Fenton is missing]

Lincoln: Now for Phase Two: Operation Keep Lily From Crying. Go, go, go!

[Luan makes a balloon animal for Lily, Lola has a tea party with her Lana drives her around in the princess car, Lynn plays with a ball with her, Luna drums with her, Laney plays dolls with her, and Leni blows bubbles with her, but nothing cheers her up as she yawns]

Lincoln: Okay, here's the moment of truth. If Lily can go to sleep without you-know-who, we've done it.

[Lori nods, picks up Lily, and puts her in her crib. Eventually, Lily falls asleep and Lori quietly closes the door]

Lincoln: Well, team, I'm proud of you all. It was touch-and-go there for a while, but you believed in yourselves, and more importantly, you believed in each other. [notices that they left again] Dang it.

[The next morning]

Lola: [checks herself] I finally got some beauty sleep. Oh yeah! I am back!

Leni: I slept so well, I got up early and made Lori these extensions. [holds up said extensions] Now I just need a stapler.

Lori: [nervously grabs them] I'll take it from here. [grins]

[Laney walks in feeling down]

Lincoln: Morning, Laney. [notices her expression] What's the matter? You didn't have a sleepless night did you? Relax! We don't have Fenton to deal with anymore.

Laney: That's not why I am worried. Lily didn't seem happy after we took Fenton away from her. Do you think there's something wrong with her?

Lincoln: I'm sure it's nothing. She just needed to sleep it off. Oh, here's Luna with her now.

[Luna comes in with Lily]

Siblings minus Luna and Laney: [variously] Good morning, Lily!

[Luna puts Lily in her highchair, and the baby looks miserable]

Leni: What's wrong, sweetie? You look a little grumpy this morning.

Luna: She's probably just hungry, dude.

Leni: [gets Lily's baby food and tries to feed her] Open the airplane. Here comes the tunnel. [playfully growls]

[Lily pushes it aside]

Lincoln: Oh. Well, she must not be hungry. Maybe she wants to play.

[They try playing with building blocks]

Lincoln: Lily, wanna help me build a castle?

[Lily knocks over the castle]

Luan: [making a balloon animal] How about I make you a dinosaur?

[Lily knocks the balloon away, it pops on the pet cactus, and the eyes float over Lucy's bangs and then pop]

Lincoln: I know! Laney you play peek-a-boo with her. [Gives Laney Lily's blanket to her and pushes over to her]

Laney: [Hides herself with the blanket] Wheeeere's Laney? [Laney reveals herself] Here I am... [Lily was still depressed]

Lana: [with a cushion] I know, Lily. Let's build a fort.

[While the others build a fort, Lily crawls away. The fort is finished]

Lana: Okay, Lily, come on in. But no pooping. [beat] Lily? Lily?

[The others pop out and see Lily looking at the photo of baby Lori with Fenton, who she whines over]

Lily: Fa-Fa...

Laney: I knew it...

Leni: O-M-Gosh, you guys, that's why she's been so sad this morning. She misses Fenton.

Lincoln: Laney's right. We didn't make her forget about Fenton. We just kept her from crying.

Laney: Yeah, and now she might not say anything at all anymore.

[The sisters guiltily grunt]

Lincoln: Guys, I know we've been loving the peace and quiet, but it's not worth it if our baby sister is sad.

Lola: I hate to say it, but we have to get that fox back. I really did hate saying that.

[The dumpster Lori threw Fenton in]

Lana: [having searched] Sorry, guys. No Fenton. This thing is empty. But I did find a girlfriend for Bitey. [holds up a vicious feral rat]

Luan: Shoot. The garbage truck must have already come.

Lincoln: To the dump!

[They drive to the dump and arrive]

Lori: This place is literally huge. How are we ever going to find a little toy in all this trash?

[Suddenly, Fenton's song starts playing]

Laney: That's how!

Lincoln: Follow that annoying song!

[They find Fenton's voice and find him about to be compacted]

Loud Kids: NO!

[They're too late as the crane dumps Fenton through the compactor. He winds down and breaks]

Laney: Maybe we can still fix it? [Fenton then spontaneously combusts and disintegrates]

Loud Kids: Dang it.

[The kids are driving home, remorseful for what happened]

Lynn: We're officially the worst siblings ever.

Leni: Poor Lily. She'll probably grow up super gloomy, dress in black, and listen to sad music all the time.

Lucy: [liking the sound of that] We can only hope.

Laney: It's okay guys. You tried your best to make our sister happy again. And that's all that matters. And, who knows. Maybe Lily will forget about Fenton... In 20 years?...

[The siblings groan. Luna suddenly starts humming Fenton's song]

Lola: Ugh! Stop singing that!

Luna: Sorry, dude. It's stuck in my head. Say what you want about that fox, but his tune has a wicked hook.

Lori: It's kinda stuck in my head, too.

Lucy: Mine, too.

Laney: It's the only thing in my mind right now.

Lisa: It's also rebounding in my cerebellum.

Lincoln: [gets an idea] Wait. You guys! Maybe there is a way to give Fenton back to Lily.

[Back home, the kids bring Lily to a familiar face, which is Lincoln dressed as Fenton]

Lily: [surprised] Fa-fa? [crawls to him and presses his foot]

[Luna sees it and plays her guitar in secrecy]

Luna: Cheer up, baby, don't you cry / No more tears, it's cheer-up time / Laugh with me and we will be / Happy happy happy

Lily: [ecstatic] Fa-fa! [hugs Lincoln and presses his foot again] Fa-fa! Fa-fa.

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Well, we might be doing this for the rest of our lives, but at least Lily's happy again.

Lily: [clapping] Fa-fa! Fa-fa! Fa-fa!

Lily's siblings: Cheer up, baby, don't you cry / No more tears, it's cheer-up time / Laugh with me and we will be / Happy happy happy

[They keep singing; their parents approach and hear the sound. As they open the door, they witness all their kids under Fenton's spell, put on their earmuffs and run away screaming in horror. The sun reveals to be in the shape of Fenton's face, winking at the viewers]


	84. Anti Social

**Anti-Social**

Everyone is always so busy in the Loud house. Members are always preoccupying themselves either with doing their hair, reading comics, bouncing balls... Or just spending most of their time on their phones or tablets.

[The kids are using their phones and tablets as Laney was reading her book]

Laney: Hey. Um. Could you possibly keep that clicking down please? [The kids didn't respond to her] Uh, hello? [sighs] Nevermind...

Now Laney too has a phone, but you don't see her spending her life on it. You see, Laney is one of those people who believe to find more excitement not connected to the internet. And she's not alone in that argument.

[Lynn Sr. comes in]

Lynn Sr.: Hey, guys! Papa Loud in the house!

[Laney walks up to him]

Laney: Hey dad!

Lynn Sr.: Hey Lanes! How's your day going?

Laney: Great! We were doing a lesson on splatter art and I got some ideas!

Lynn Sr.: Say no more! How about you and I get creative later?

Laney: That sounds great.

Lynn Sr.: And how was everyone else, huh? Lori, did you ace that Latin exam? [no response] Hey, Lunes, wanna jam later? Just got the old cowbell tuned.

[Enter Rita on her phone]

Rita: [sighs] This is unbelievable!

Lynn Sr.: [sternly] Thank you, honey. I couldn't agree-

Rita: 10 Unexpected Ways to Re-tile a Backsplash? Cuh-lick! [clicks on the link]

[Lynn Sr. facepalms and slams the door; the kids respond this time]

Leni: Oh. Hi, Dad. Welcome home. Why the grumpy face?

Lynn Sr. Because I've lost my family to those ding-dang devices! We used to do stuff together. But now the only kid I hang with is Laney! I can't even get the rest of you to look up when I come in the door. Can't you put those things down once in a while?

Lori: But, Dad, we need them. Our lives literally depend on them."

Lynn Sr.: [takes Luan's phone] Baloney sandwich! They're just little hunks of plastic! [tosses it back to Luan who tries to catch it and falls over] And if you don't start spending less time on them, I'm gonna have to cut the internet.

[The kids gasp, Lynn falls over, and their dad goes into his room]

Luna: Whoa! Pops is talking crazy! Doesn't he get how croosh these babies are to our lives? He might as well cut off our oxygen supply!

Laney: Aren't you guys over reactng to this just a little bit? I mean they're just phones. You may think dad doesn't understand how the social network works but he's just doing this because he- [Lori gets an idea and interrupts Laney]

Lori: Maybe that's the answer!

Lucy: Cut off his oxygen supply? Whoa. That's grim, even for me.

Lori: No, I mean the only reason Dad is against our devices is because he doesn't get them. But what if we could show Dad how much better it could make his life? Then he'd never do something as ridiculous as... [gasps] ...taking away our internet.

Laney: [sighs] I'm not even going to try get involved in this one. [Heads upstairs] I'm going to my room. Let me know how this backfires. [Leaves]

Luna: While we're at it. Maybe we should get Lanes to join the network too.

Rita: [off-screen] I love it!

Lori: Thank you. I appreciate your support.

Rita: [actually referring to something on her phone] A new super bright flashlight app? #Download! [downloads the app and notices her kids] Oh, hey, kids. When did you get home?

[In the kitchen, Lori is feeding Lily and Lynn Sr. is bringing in some groceries]

Lynn Sr.: Okay. [looks at a list] Gotta tell Lucy her funeral dress is back from the cleaners, gotta let Luna know I can drive her to rehearsal tonight, I need to remind Lola that she can't watch TV till she's finished her homework. All of it. [sets groceries down and sees Lori] Oh. Hi, Lori.

Lori: [texting] One sec, Dad.

Lynn Sr.: [exasperated] Oh, sweetie, we just talked about this. Can you please put that thing away?

Lori: [reading the responses she got] Okay, Lucy says "Thanks, just in time for the service", Luna says "Rockin'", and Lola sent this. [shows Lola's response being three raging flame emojis]

Lynn Sr.: [dumbfounded] You just took care of my whole to-do list? How did you manage that?

Lori: [picks Lily up] It's called texting. You can literally have a million conversations at once. Could be pretty handy for a guy with 12 kids.

Lynn Sr.: Uh, hold on. If I were going to do a text, how-how would I go about that?

[Lori gives Lily to her siblings and winks to them]

Lori: It's so easy. All you do is type. Where's your phone?

[Lynn Sr. gets his phone out]

Lori: Try texting me.

Lynn Sr.: [confused] Uh...where?

Lori: Here. [presses the icon with a speech bubble, indicating texting and opens it up as her father starts texting] Just say hi.

Lynn Sr.: Ooh! Delete!

[Laney could only look from the dining room as Lori tried to explain texting to her father. And rolls her eyes at it. Lynn, Lucy, Luna, Lincoln, and Leni were in the living room spying on Laney]

Lincoln: [whispering] Alright. Time to initiate phase 2. [They all nodded and went over to Laney]

Luna: Yo Lanes.

Laney: If your here to convince me to join in on your plan. Forget it.

Leni: She's on to us! Run! [Luna nudges her]

Lincoln: No, Laney. We understand that you're not interested in social networking. We were just wondeing if you wanna read a book with us. It's a John Ruby novel.

Laney: Now, that's what I'm talking about! [Jumps up] So what's the story? [Laney's siblings show her a tablet and her smile droops] Oh, for crying out loud...

Lincoln: Oh, no Laney. You can read your novels in here. [A cover of a John Ruby book is shown]

Laney: How can a book be read on the internet.

Lynn: Not just a book, Laney. An e-book!

Laney: E... book?

Leni: Yeah. It's a totes perfect way to read books on your phone without getting papercuts.

Laney: Well, I have been getting a lot of cuts lately. [Looks at her hands that have multiple cuts. Her siblings give her the tablet and she starts reading] Wow! Is this the one where The Tackback Boys kidnap the mayor? I never got that yet! [As she leaves, Lincoln and her sisters exchange thumbs up]

[Later, Lynn Sr. is rushing to the bathroom]

Lynn Sr.: Oh, why couldn't I resist all those Flippee samples? [sees his kids waiting for their turns]

Luna: Back of the line, bro.

Lynn Sr.: Dah! [gets in line]

Lincoln: [on his tablet] Hey, Dad, want something to keep your mind off the wait?

Lynn Sr.: Aw, no thanks. This is what I've been trying to tell you kids. I can just keep myself distracted with the old bean.

Laney: [On her phone] You can read with me, dad! I'm just in the middle of an exciting chpter in the new John Ruby book! I can get you up to speed on what's happening.

Lynn Sr.: Oh, come on, Laney! Don't tell me you're stuck on those things too.

Laney: What? Me, no... I'm just reading this all... [Continues to look at her phone]

Lincoln: Well, if you insist on just waiting, dad. You're in for a long one. Leni's in there trying a new hair color. Could be a while.

Leni: [screams in horror] Totes not a redhead! Starting over.

Lynn Sr.: Oh, fine. Whaddya got?

Lincoln: [showing his dad a game] Raging River Racers. You have to paddle down a rushing river trying to escape a giant gushing wave.

Lynn Sr.: [needing to go more] Gah, not helping.

Lola: [pushes Lincoln out of the way] Step aside, Lincoln. We have a game Daddy will actually like.

Lana: [shows the game] Presenting Jolly Hollow.

Lola: You build a pretty brick house and show it off to your friends.

Lynn Sr.: [takes the device] Ooh, I think I'll build one that has more than one bathroom.

Laney: Wow! That looks cool, can I play?

Lana: Sure, it's multiplayer.

Laney: Alright! [Plays Jolly Hollow on her phone]

[The kids smile and Leni pops out smiling as well. Later]

Lincoln: [comes out of the bathroom] Your turn, Dad.

Lynn Sr.: [too busy with the game] Lisa can go. I'm busy upgrading my wallpaper.

Laney: Hey dad! You gotta check out this condiminum I made! It's doubles as an art museum!

Lynn Sr.: Neato burrito! Can I come in?

Laney: You sure can!

[As they were talking, Lisa goes in, the other kids smile, and the twins take a bow. Later, Laney was in her room trying to use her phone to call someone. Just then, Lori comes in]

Lori: Hey, Lanes. What are you doing?

Laney: Hi, Lori. I was just using my phone to call Joey and see how I'm doing.

Lori: Oh, sure you can do that. Or, and this is just a suggestion, you can send him a selfie!

Laney: Sel-fie? What's that?

Lori: [gasps] You literally never heard of a selfie? Boy have you've been missing out! Here! Let me show you! [Takes Laney's phone, grabs Laney and hold her phone up.] Smile. [Lori takes the photo and sends it] And send.

Laney: AGH! [snatxhes her phone away from Lori] What did you do!?

Lori: Relax, Laney. I just send Joey a picture of us together.

Laney: No! No! I don't want to be that direct! I mean what If he's too embarrassed responds to it? [Her phone vibrates and Laney sees it and happily squeals] He did respond! [She looks at Joey's message which said: "You and Lori are so cute together!"] I wanna send him another one! [does some more selfies as Lori smiles proudly at this]

[Lynn Sr. and Kotaro are jamming in the garage; Luna and Luan pop their heads in]

Kotaro: We are gonna rock our first show, Lynn! Now we just need to get the word out. Remember, my cousin said we gotta have 100 people or we can't book his basement.

Lynn Sr.: Way ahead of you, Kotaro. [pulls out a wagon of flyers] I posted 500 of these babies to post around town. Hope your afternoon's free.

[Kotaro grins nervously]

Luna: Hey, Pops, I know you got a big gig coming up, so I thought I'd help you get the word out.

Lynn Sr.: [gives Luna some of the flyers] Oh, great. You can start putting these up on Oak Street.

Luna: Uh, no, dude. I made you a band page. [Luan shows him the page] It's like putting up a flyer that everyone with a computer can see!

Lynn Sr.: [excited] Shut up!

Luna: Right?

Lynn Sr.: [typing] We're gonna get hundreds of people to see our show.

Luan: How about thousands?

Kotaro: Well, parking's kinda limited at my cousin's.

Luan: No. I mean, you can stream the show live for fans around the world.

Lynn Sr.: Whoa. You think you could show us how to stream our concert like that?

[Luan and Luna smile to each other]

[Cut to Lynn Sr. now working with many devices and Laney taking selfies]

Lynn Sr.: Watching videos, texting emojis, selfie... [takes one] ...and post. [posts] Nice.

Laney: [does multiple poses] Chill. [takes picture] Goofy! [takes picture] Dashing. [takes picture] Kawaii! [takes picture]

[The kids have seen it all]

Lori: [overjoyed with tears] I am literally so proud right now.

[They each get a ping on their phones]

Lincoln: It's a text from Dad. **THX 4 showing me the light. Wut U kiddos thing about getting FASTER internet? Racecar emoji, celebrate emoji, happy cat emoji.**

[The kids all cheer and hug while their house gets cover in other emojis Later, Lynn Sr. is busy texting while Lincoln comes in with a textbook]

Lincoln: Hey, Dad, could you help me with my social studies homework?

Lynn Sr.: Eh, sorry, son. It'll have to wait. It's Throwback Thursday, and I have to post some pics. And...post! [posts them]

[Suddenly, Lori screams and comes charging in]

Lori: [enraged] WHAT DID YOU DO?! How could you post a picture from my... [gasps] ...awkward stage? [shows a picture of herself when she was younger, looking much nerdier]

Lynn Sr.: Ooh! Five likes already! [gasps] Maybe it'll start trending.

[Lori screams at the thought]

Lincoln: Don't be embarrassed, Lori. Everyone posts old photos like that. They're harmless.

Lynn Sr.: And...post. [posts]

[Lori gets it]

Lori: Oh, yeah? Then maybe you'd like to see Dad's latest post. [shows Lincoln one of his old baby photos from when he was potty training, specifically, him standing on the bowl]

Lincoln: [horrified] #PottyChamp? #LinkyMadeAStinky? [faints]

Lynn Sr.: [takes a photo of his unconscious son] So cute! I'll post this next TBT!

[Later, in Lynn and Lucy's room. Laney was up in her bed texting.]

Lucy: Hey, Laney... [Laney didn't respond] Um... I was hoping you would help me with my poems?

Laney: Sorry, Lucy. I'm too busy talking to my school friends. [Gets another message] Ohh! Another one from Karla! [reads] "How cute is Joey?" Uh, mega cute! #BritishLover! [Takes another selfie]

Lucy: Sigh.

[Dinnertime]

Luna: Dudes, I'm hungry like the wolf. What's taking Dad so long?

[In the kitchen, Lynn Sr. is live streaming a cooking show]

Lynn Sr.: And hello to my new viewer from Sweden, or should I say, Valkommen, to the Lynn-ternational Cuisine Livestream with Chef Loud. Today, we're making pizza. [notices the angle the phone's at] Oh, wait. They can't see that. [takes the dough and zooms in] Today, we're making pizza. [begins tossing]

[Later, everyone else is still waiting]

Lynn Sr.: [serving the pizza] Alright, get ready to feast, fam.

[He sets it down and the kids are about to reach for a slice, but their dad stops them]

Lynn Sr.: Not so fast. I meant feast your eyes. We'll eat after I take photos for SwiftyPic. [takes a photo] Better take a few, JIC. [takes another photo] Ugh! I can't post these! They're totes ug. I'm starting over. [tosses the pizzas out the window, much to his kids' chagrin]

[Lynn Sr. and Laney are still on their devices as the rest of his family comes in]

Lincoln: Hey, Dad.

[No response from their dad]

Leni: So, how was work today?

[Still no response]

Luna: Hey, Pop Star. Wanna jam later?

Lynn Sr.: I'd love to... [Luna gets out her guitar] ...send you an autographed CD, CowBellFan85!

Lincoln: Uh. What about you, Laney? You wanna read some comic books later? [Laney didn't respond. Luna growls and Lori slams the door to get his attention]

Lynn Sr.: Oh, hey, fam. When did you get home?

Lori: Dad, how about we just put these away for one second?

[Lynn Sr. snaps and bites like a vicious dog at her]

[Sibling meeting]

Lisa: Father and sister are out of control, or, to use their inane vernacular, OOC.

Lynn: They got their faces in those ding-dang devices all day long.

Lana: Can't they put them down once in a while?

Lucy: they don't even look up when we come in the door.

Lori: [realizes] Uh, guys, is this all reminding you of anyone?

Lincoln: [gasps] Holy moly! We literally turned Dad and Laney into us!

[Leni screams]

Lana: You're right! So that's why he was upset with us. It's no fun being ignored by your own family.

Lynn: And I guess we know why Laney rarely uses her phone.

Lola: How do we get the old Daddy and Laney back?

Leni: Ask him politely?

Lori: I think it's gonna take more drastic measures than that.

[Back to Lynn Sr. and Laney and their devices]

Lynn Sr. Watching videos, oh, love this filter, gym bod! [takes a filtered selfie] Nice. How you doin'? Now to post.

Laney: Hey, pops! Check out my latest pic! I'll send it to you! [Tries to send it but fails] Wha? [Tries to send it again but nothing happens] Why am I not... [a message pops up] " **Not connected to the internet** "? [Nervous] Uh dad? Why is the internet not working

Lynn Sr.: What are you talking about? My internet's working- [tries, but fails] Not connected to the internet? What? [checks his tablet] Not connected?[checks his laptop] NOT CONNECTED?!

Laney and Lynn Sr.: [screams in panic]

Lynn Sr.: HELP! KIDS! KIDS! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME!" [he and Laney enter Lori and Leni's room] Oh, there you guys are. The internet's out. [keels over] I feel weak.

Lori: It's not out. We had it turned off. [Laney and her father gasp]

Laney:[shocked] You did this!?

Lynn Sr.: How could you? You may as well have cut off my oxygen supply!

Lori: We had to do it! You two are obsessed with your devices.

Lana: Which, to be fair, is all our fault.

Leni: But we totes miss spending time with you guys.

Laney: [Realizes and gasp] Oh my gosh. You're right... I've became as technology crazy as you guys! [sniffs] I promise myself I wouldn't end up like this. And yet here I am just texting to Joey instead of talking to him in person... [on the verge of tears] I feel like such an idiot!

Lynn Sr.: [Also on the verge of tears] Me too! ISS! [awkward beat] That means I'm So Sorry.

Laney: [wipes off the tears] Yeah. ISS too.

[They hug]

Lincoln: It's okay, guys.

Lori: So, can we put these away for a while?

Lynn Sr.: [sniffles] Sure. No problem. [hands Lori his phone but doesn't let go as he pulls it away] Ah, I can't! I'm so hooked on these babies I can't live without 'em.

Laney: Me neither!

Lori: Don't worry, guys. We'll all work on this together. [turns the internet on her phone off]

Lynn Sr.: [knocks the timer over; acting] Oops! I'll get it. [goes under the table and takes out a phone]

Lincoln: Dad! No phones! Besides, we don't even have the internet.

Lynn Sr.: Sorry. I just wanted to hold it. [gives his phone to Lincoln]

[Laney was outside playing soccer with Lynn. Lynn kicks the ball to the other side of the yard]

Laney: [acting] Oh! I better go get that. [Runs over to where the ball landed. Lynn walks over there only to see Laney on her phone]

Lynn: Laney! [Laney sees that she's been caught]

Laney: I was just uh... looking at my photos? [Lynn holds out her hand and Laney hands over the phone to her]

[Now Lynn Sr. nd Luna are jamming in the garage when he leans over to Mr. Grouse's window and sees him ordering socks online]

Luna: [rings his bell in his ear] Oops, you did it again. No looking at devices, Dad. Not even Mr. Grouse's.

Lynn Sr.: But he just got a really good deal on socks.

[Meanwhile, Lori and Laney were both reading books]

Lori: Wow! These novels are amazing! What do you think, Laney?

Laney: [Hiding her face in the book, not paying attention] Oh, yeah.. Uh. Real page turner. [Lori puts down Laney's book and find she was on her phone again. She sheepishly smiles as Lori shakes her head. Laney frowns]

[Later, Lynn Sr was folding laundry with Lori and he sees his phone. He tries to reach for it, but he fights the urge, impressing Lori. Meanwhile, Laney was doing stand up with Luan leaving her phone alone. In the attic, Lynn Sr. was playing tarot cards with Lucy and leaving his phone alone. Then he plays blocks with Lily and puts a molecule model together with Lisa. He plays Hockey with Lynn Jr. who shoots the puck into his net]

Lynn Sr.: Ha ha, nice one!

Lynn: Whoo! Yeah!

[Laney was playing table tennis with Lincoln and gets the ball over Lincoln]

Laney: Woo hoo! Another win! Best two out of three?

Lincoln: You know it!

[Lynn Sr. and Laney are now playing Duck Duck Goose with the twins]

Lola: Duck...duck...duck... [to her dad] GOOSE!

[She runs around as her dad chases her. Then he's juggling with Luan]

Lynn Sr.: Huh? Huh?

[He juggles all the balls and drops them on his head, making them both laugh. Then, Laney was doing a fashion show with Leni. She comes out looking and acting like a Hollywood diva and Leni claps for it]

[Lynn Sr. puts his devices away in his closet]

Lincoln: Good job, guys. We're proud of you.

Lynn Sr.: [sighs relieved] Thanks, kids. It's good to be back. Now, who's hungry? [the kids raise their hands] Dinner in five! [leaves]

Laney: I also like to thank you guys for getting me off this phone habit. And, I'm sorry I ignored you all.

Lincoln: No, Laney. It was our fault you were like that. You're right, there is more to life than just technology.

Lisa: So, now that we cured Father and sister, shall I send word to our internet provider to get the rest of us back online?

[Beat]

Lori: Eh, what's the rush? We can wait another day.

[They all smile]

Lynn Sr.: Let's dig in!

[The kids rush to dinner]

Lynn: Hey, Dad, how about a hockey rematch after dinner?

Lola: Hey, I get Daddy first! I wanna show him my ribbon dance.

Lana: No, I get him. We got some gutters to clean.

Lynn Sr.: Kids, kids. We can do it all.

[Laney could only look from the dining room to see how happy her family was and smiled... Until she got a message from Joey. She relpies to him as an Iris closes in on her. She looks at the audience and nervously chuckles]

Laney: Heh heh heh... Force of habit... [Iris out]


	85. ORIGINAL EPISODE: Spice of Life

**Spice of Life**

It was a normal saturday afternoon in the Loud House, and while everyone was out doing their own thing, Laney was stopping by the kitchen only to find herself in a spicy situation.

[Laney goes into the kitchen to see Lynn putting peppers in her meatball sub sandwich]

Laney: Uh, Lynn? Why are you putting that much peppers in your sandwich?

Lynn: You know how I like my sammies, Laney. Hot 'n' spicy! [Pours hot sauce on her sandwich]

Laney: Yeah, I know that. But aren't you worried that might be too spicy. You might burn off your tongue with that much sauce.

Lynn: If I get lucky! Me? I'm a maniac for spicy! I crave for hotness! [Lynn takes a bite out of her sandwich and her face starts to turn red] AAAAAAHHHH! [She was so hot she breathed out fire from her sandwich. Laney puts out a small flame in her hair]

Laney: Okay, that can not be good for your intestines.

Lynn: What's the matter, Laney? You afraid of a little spice?

Laney: What? No! I'm not scared! In fact, I welcome a bit of spice in my life.

Lynn: Then I guess you won't mind taking a bite out of my sub then. [Lynn gives her sandwich to Laney. Feeling nervous, Laney struggles to take one bite. A meatball from the sub falls into Laney's mouth then her face turned burning red and a burst of fire came out of her mouth]

Laney: AAAAAAHHH! [She frantically ran to the sink and drank water out of the faucet; pants]

Lynn: HA! I knew you couldn't handle it! You should've seen your face! [laughs, Laney growls at her]

Laney: Oh, yeah? Well, if you think you can handle spice better then prove it!

Lynn: [smirks] Do I smell a challenge?

Laney: Oh yeah! I challenge you to a SPICE-OFF!

Lynn: Oh it is on!

[Cut to the backyard where all the siblings were sitting in rows. Laney and Lynn were on opposite sides of table with plates by them]

Lincoln: Alright, let's go over the rules. Both of you will taste food that has been slathered in hot sauce. Each one hotter than the last. Last one standing wins.

Lynn: You won't last a minute, Lanes.

Laney: Oh, I'll last way longer than you!

Lynn: Not if I last first!

Laney: Oh, you'll be last alright. Last place! [Laney and Lynn growled at each other. Lincoln blows a whistle]

Lincoln: Enough. Let's get this competition started. [Lisa walks in]

Lisa: Indeed, big brother. I have done some research on some of the hottest peppers in the known world, and I've taken the liberty to concoct some of my own brands of fermented spicy condiments street name: hot sauce for your competition today. First challenge... [Holds out a bottle of hot sauce] Peruvian Party Jalepeno Sauce on Jambalaya. [Pours the sauce on two bowls of Jambalaya] You may begin.

[Laney and Lynn each hold a spoon and thows them away and started drinking the Jambalaya from the bowl]

Lynn and Laney: Ahh.

Lincoln: Looks like we got a tie.

Lynn: Come on, Lis. You call that spicy? That barely made me sweat!

Lisa: That's because that sauce was at the blandest on the list. Moving on. Challenge #2 [Holds out another bottle with a picture of a skeleton in an hard hat working in a steel mill] Industrial Spanish Serrano Sauce on meatloaf. [Pours the sauce on the meatloaf and Lincoln cuts two slices for Lynn and Laney] You my begin.

[Laney uses an knife and fork to cut a piece of the meatloaf and eats it while Lynn just uses a fork to eat her whole slice. The two then began to sweat]

Lynn: What's the matter, Laney? Too much for ya? [Laney glares at her then eats the whole slice of meatloaf. The siblings gasped then tears started to flow from Laney's eyes.]

Lincoln: Another tie!

Lori: Wow. I've literally never seen Laney like this before.

Lola: Yeah, I always thought she was a complete scaredy cat who's too afraid to take risks. [Her sisters glare at her] I said thought! That doesn't mean that's true.

Laney: Come on, Lisa! Gimmie something spicier! Bring it!

Lisa: Very well. Challenge #3 [Brings out another bottle with a picture of a belly dancer in the middle of the desert with fire in the background] ...Sahara Siracha Spice on Shrimp Cocktail

[Pours the sauce in two cocktail glasses and gives them to Lynn and Laney. Lynn starts eating one shrimp covered in sauce and starts to turn red while Laney eats the shrimp cocktail one by one and drinks the entire sauce on the glass. Everyone cheered as Laney's face turned even redder. Lynn glared at her]

Lynn: I know I said this before but. Oh it is on!

[Cut to a montae of Lynn and Laney eating hot sauce covered foods, each one hotter than the last. They ate hot dogs, chips and salsa, sandwiches covered in jalapenos. Soon enough they were both completely red from head to toe with yellow bloodshot eyes]

Laney: Just give up, Lynn. I'm clearly the sauce master!

Lynn: Nu-uh! No way I'm gonna let you take my crown sis-[burps out fire then covers her mouth] Lisa! Bring on the next sauce.

Lincoln: [worried] I don't know about this guys, you have eaten a lot of spicy foods. Anymore and I think you're gonna explode!

Laney: [Agressive] YOU CALLIN' ME A WIMP, FRECKLES!

Lincoln: Woah! Laney! Calm down! You're not acting like yourself!

Luna: That's just the spice talkin' bro. I've seen this case before. She's gone full heat nirvanna. Her mind is only focused on one thing now: spicyness.

Lincoln: You've seen this before?

Luna: Yeah. One time Chunk and his friend were having a hot sauce drinkin' contest and Chunk had gone hog wild on everyone! [Holds out her phone] I still have a video from the whole thing. You should've seen Chunk, dude. It was crazy! [Lincoln gulps]

Lisa: Pfft. Illogical. People can't have psychological breakdowns from drinking too much hot sauce. Chunk and his friend were probably acting like complete bufoons.

Lori: Like those two? [Lori points to Lynn and Laney who were fighting each other on the table]

Lincoln: [gasps then blows the whistle] Alright! Break it up you two! [Lynn and Laney growled at each other and went back to there seats] Okay, let's get this over with...

Lisa: Indeed. I've saved the hottest one for last... [Lisa runs to her room and comes back pushing a black safe. She dials the combination and opens it revealing a glowing red bottle of hot sauce with a picute of a radioactive explosion with a pepper shaped cloud with a devilish skull right behind it] Behold! Netherworld Tonsil Torture Death Sauce! Made from concentrated Carolina Reaper and Dragon's Breath Pepper! The hottest peppers known to man.

[Everyone sans Lynn and Laney gasped in sheer horror]

Lana: No one can survive that much spice!

Lori: This will literally kill them.

Lucy: I'll be sure to say something nice at your funerals.

Luan: This will definitely SPICE up the competition. [Laughs while everyone else groans]

[Lisa poured one drop on each cracker. And sets it to both Lynn and Laney]

Lynn: I have one question, Laney. When you scream uncle after you eat this, will you be referring to our uncle or just uncles in general?

Laney: It won't really matter anyway, Lynn. 'Cause you won't be able to hear me over the sound of a steam whistle coming out of your ears! [Laney and Lynn glare at each other]

Lisa: Ready? Commence consuming.

[Lynn and Laney ate their hot sauce covered crackers and started to glow red with hottness and began to shake change their color to blue. The siblings back away and braced themselves for what's about to happen. Lynn and Laney continue to shake violently until they stopped. And the sibling looked on with confusion]

Lincoln: Well... Looks like the whole things a ti- [Just then a huge explosion went off and Lynn was seen flying high into the sky and then fireworks exploded in the sky]

Siblings: Ooooh. [Lynn the fell right back to earth in a smoldering mess]

Lynn: Ughhh...

[The siblings cheer for Laney]

Lori: And the new reigning champion of spice is Laney Loud! [The sibling continue to cheer until Laney burps out a huge burst of fire. Everyone was running away and screaming for their lives and then Laney fell to the ground]

Laney: Uhh... [coughs]

Lynn: Well, Laney... Looks you've beaten me... I never actually thought any of you guys could beat me at anything. Nor do I like the idea of losing. But you! You've got fire in your belly, Lanes!

Laney: [raspy] Yeah... I guess I got a little carried away... [coughs]

Lynn: Don't feel bad for that, Laney! That was awesome! I guess you can handle a little spice in your life after all.

Laney: Thanks, Lynn. But I think I think it's best if I stay away from spice for a while... [Her stomach gurgles loudly, Laney groans and in pain] AAAUGH! [Holds her stomach in pain] WHAT IS THAT!?

Lynn: That would be the sound of your bowels screaming. That's the price you gotta pay for living the spicy life.

Laney: OH SWEET CORN IT HURTS! [Runs off to the bathroom] OUTTA MY WAY!

Lynn: Heh. That's my sister. [Lynn stomach growls loudly] ACK! WAIT FOR ME! [Runs after Laney]

* * *

 **Special thanks to Jamesdean5842 for giving me this idea. I'd thought I do a little minisode with Lynn and Laney having a SPICY good time! Well, that's all I got for now. See ya later!**


	86. Shell Shock

**Shell Shock**

[At school, the bell rings and Mrs. Johnson walks in carrying bags.]

Mrs. Johnson: Happy Monday, class! It's the moment you've been waiting for.

Rusty: [holds up his lunchbox] Lunch?

Mrs. Johnson: No, Rusty. [reveals cartons of eggs in her bags] The fifth grade Egg Baby Challenge!

[Everyone except Rusty cheers]

Rusty: [disappointed] Aw, man!

Mrs. Johnson: You'll work in pairs to look after an egg baby for a week. Now class, if your egg cracks or breaks, you fail. But if you can keep your egg safe for the whole week, you pass and get a special waffle breakfast! [pulls down a poster of her riding a mechanical bull, much to the confusion of her students and notices.] Whoops! Heh heh. Wrong picture. [shows the right picture]

Students: [with waffles in their eyes] Ooh!

Laney: [thoughts] _Finally, a chance to show off my excellent parenting skills. I'll protect that egg baby as if it was a... baby._

[Lincoln and Clyde walk over to Mrs. Johnson's desk.]

Lincoln and Clyde: Clincoln McCloud reporting for parenting duty!

Lincoln: And waffles.

Mrs. Johnson: No no no. I'll be choosing the pairs. The whole point is to work with someone you don't know so you can learn about each other through caring for the egg.

[The boys look upset that they won't be paired up and Mrs. Johnson gets out a bingo ball mixer with her students' names written in.]

Mrs. Johnson: [spinning] So, Clyde, you'll be working with... [draws name] ...Penelope.

[Penelope smiles, takes the egg, and walks up to her partner.]

Clyde: Hey, Penelope.

Penelope: Hey, Clyde.

Clyde: [looking at his egg in admiration] I promise to be the best egg dad I can.

Mrs. Johnson: Laney, you'll be working with...

Laney: [With fingers crossed] Please be Joey. Please be Joey. Please be Joey...

Mrs. Johnson: [draws name] Joey.

Laney: YES! [Lincoln looks at her] I mean... wow. What a complete surprise. [Lincoln rolls his eyes]

Mrs. Johnson: [spinning] And Lincoln, you'll be working with... [draws name] ...Ronnie Anne.

Lincoln: [concerned] Oh, no. Not Ronnie Anne.

Laney: What's wrong with Ronnie Anne?

Lincoln: Wall, she's... Ronnie Anne.

Laney: And wht is that supposed to mean?

Lincoln: It means she's not exactly the careful, nurturing type.

[Flashback to some of the times Ronnie Anne is shown to be a little reckless. First, she puts a sloppy Joe down his pants, much to his disgust and her delight. Then, the boys are playing volleyball in gym class]

Clyde: I'll set you up!

[Ronnie Anne leaps off of Lincoln and spikes the ball at Rusty. Finally, she walks by listening to music and knocks Clyde and Lincoln aside without noticing them. End flashbacks. Lincoln shivers with concern.]

Laney: Lincoln, you can't always judge a book by it's cover. Sure, Ronnie Anne can be a bit rowdy but she's not like that all the time.

Ronnie Anne: [running up to her partner] You ready to do this, partner? [body slams him across the room]

Laney: Well, sometimes.

[Mrs. Johnson gets out their egg and Lincoln takes it before Ronnie Anne can.]

Lincoln: Why don't I just take that?

[Rusty is wearing a bib and has a plate and salt and pepper shakers on his desk.]

Rusty: [raising his hand] Mrs. Johnson, question! Do you recommend hard or soft boiling?

[Clyde and Penelope are looking after their egg.]

Clyde: So, what should we call her? Any family names you'd like to honor?

Penelope: I was thinking we could combine our names. Clyde and Penelope make...

Clyde: Calliope!

Penelope: [gasps] Perfect!

[Laney and Joey are looking after their egg]

Laney: He, Joey maybe we should combine our names for our baby.

Joey: Um, I don't think "Loey" will make a good name for our egg.

Laney: Okay. Well, what do you think about... "Janey".

Joey: Hmm. I think just "Jane" would do rather nicely. Wouldn't you say?

Laney: Yeah, I guess that could work. [Looks at her egg] Little Jane. [kisses her egg and tucks it in with a tiny blanket]

Joey: Wow, Laney. You seem to have quite a knack for this.

Laney: Well, I do have a baby sister at home. I have some experience.

Joey: Well that's lovely.

[Lincoln is keeping his egg safe from his partner who is trying to check on it.]

Ronnie Anne: Ro-shell? You want our egg baby's name to be a joke?

Lincoln: How is "Toby" any better? This egg doesn't look like a Toby.

Ronnie Anne: Well, if you'd let me see it, maybe I'd know what it does look like. [tries to get the egg]

Laney: [sighs] You'd think Lincoln would be more thrilled to work with Ronnie Anne instead of worrying she might break it.

Joey: How do you know she won't break it? I've seen that lass dominating the gym in dodgeball last week.

Laney: [sighs] It's just that I feel like Ronnie Anne isn't given a chance to prove that she's not always so destructive.

Joey: I don't know about that, Laney. That girl can be pretty unstable. One time I saw her tossing pizza into one kid's face and pulled his pants down. She can be quite mean.

Laney: Not you too, Joey! Look, some people think that Ronnie Anne is mean but she has feelings. Just like the time she was hurt when Lincoln insulted her.

Joey: How do you know that for sure?

Laney: [sighs] Joey, quit worrying.

Mrs. Johnson: Okay, everyone, time for gym.

Ronnie Anne: Ooh! I'll watch Toby.

[Lincoln suddenly imagines her doing all kinds of terrible things to the egg in gym, like tossing her like a shot put, playing golf with it as the ball, and pinning it down in wrestling.]

Lincoln: No way! I mean, I don't mind keeping an eye on her.

[Later, in the cafeteria]

Rusty: [with his meal; relieved] Lunch. Finally.

[Enter Ronnie Anne]

Ronnie Anne: Hey, partner. [her partner flinches] Maybe I should take care of Toby during lunch...since I haven't gotten to all day.

[Lincoln then imagines her putting the egg in the trash, stuffing it in Chandler's pants, and suggesting to use it in a...]

Ronnie Anne: FOOD FIGHT! [tosses it]

[Back to reality]

Lincoln: Sorry, but I, uh... [notices Lisa nearby] ...promised Aunt Lisa I'd bring her niece by for a visit. You know how relatives are. [rushes over to Lisa's table]

[Meanwhile, Laney and Joey were caring for their egg. Laney was putting the egg on a protected cup covered in fake grass]

Laney: There, this way our little egg will stay safe.

Joey: Are you sure this is necessary, Laney? I think it's safe enough as it is.

Laney: Uh, perhaps you didn't know how much trouble my baby sister gets into.

Joey: [smirks] Oh really? Like what?

Laney: Well, if you must know. Last week, Lily had the TV remote and she rode on the dog with it.

Joey: [laughs] You're joking!

Laney: I wish I was. But Lily almost fell from the roof if Dad wasn't there to break her fall. And possibly his collar bone. [Joey laughs]

Joey: Wow, Laney. I never knew your siblings are so troublesome.

Laney: Yeah. Someone's gotta look out for them.

[Later in art class]

Art Teacher: Smocks on, everyone!

Lincoln: See, Rochelle, your mom loves you. It's just safer if she loves you from a distance.

[Laney and Joey were seen painting with their egg protected in a papermache bowl]

Laney: You shouldn't be so judgemental to hide your egg from Ronnie Anne.

Lincoln: I have to. I'm trying to keep it safe.

Laney: Well, don't you think you should give her a chance to care fo the egg? It won't hurt.

Lincoln: Uh, yes it will! It will hurt the egg! [Laney sighs and rolls her eyes]

[Ronnie Anne comes into the room much to Lincoln's shock and he ducks into the closet.]

Laney: [thoughts] _I suppose I have to cover for him again..._

Ronnie Anne: Hey guys. Have you seen Lincoln?

Laney: No I haven't.

Ronnie Anne: Well if you see him, tell him I'm taking Toby home with me after school. No more excuses. [leaves]

[Later, after class. Laney was walking down the hallway with Joey]

Joey: I still pondering why you think Ronnie is not so brutish as she seems. I mean two weeks ago she gave me a wedgie for stepping on her foot by accident.

Laney: You're over exaggerating, Joey.

Joey: No, to this day I'm still digging the undies out of my bottom. [Sees Ronnie Anne with a kid] Ah! [Joey hides behind Laney] Don't let her wedgie me! [Laney looks closer and finds the Ronnie Anne is bandaging a little kid]

Ronnie Anne: There you go, kid. All, better.

Kid: Thanks, Ronnie Anne. [walks off]

Laney: Ronnie Anne? [Ronnie Anne was surprised to see Laney and Joey, who was still behind Laney]

Ronnie Anne: Oh, Laney it's you. [Sees Joey behind her] And you have Joey with you. [Joey nervously waves to her]

Laney: What were you doing to that kid?

Ronnie Anne: Uh, he fell down and scraped his knee. I was just helping him patch it up.

Joey: How do you know you weren't the one who caused that scraped knee?

Ronnie Anne: Uh, because I walking by when I saw him. Why do people think I'm so reckless and destructive? I'm just as responsible as everyone else.

Laney: You are?

Ronnie Anne: Yeah, I take care of my brother all the time.

Joey: You do?

Ronnie Anne: Yeah, he works so many jobs here I have to help him out. He and my mom are very busy. She has double shifts sometimes, so I have to help make dinner.

Laney: Wow, so you really are not as much as a bully as people think you are.

Ronnie Anne: Duh! Because that's not who I am! Just because I'm known put sandwiches down kids pants, and give them wedgies and noogies, doesn't mean I'm a bully!

Laney: Well, those do qualify you as a bully.

Ronnie Anne: Well yeah, but I only do that for fun, you know, teasing. It's not all who I am.

Joey: Wow, I never really thought of you like that Ronnie. Sorry, I thought you nothing more than a school bully.

Ronnie Anne: No problem. Sorry about the wedgie.

Joey: It's all right now I suppose...

Laney: See? I told you that she's not a full bully. Hey, maybe we should have an egg playdate later. If Lincoln lets you have your egg.

Ronnie Anne: Yeah, he just gave it to me back at the art class. [shows them her egg]

Laney: Really? He just let you have it?

Ronnie Anne: Yeah. So, I'll see you at my place?

Laney: Sure. [Ronnie Anne walks off]

Joey: Well, I guess we know that Ronnie's responsible. But how will she know that she won't break her egg, or ours?

Laney: Don't worry, Joey. I'll keep a close eye on both of them. What can go wrong?

Later that day, Laney and Joey walked over for Ronnie Anne for their little playdate. Only to find that someone was already on their way there...

[Laney sees Lincoln park his bike. He stops when he sees Laney]

Lincoln: Laney? What are you doing here?

Laney: We were just on my way to see Ronnie Anne for a playdate. What are you doing?

Lincoln: Uhhh... I forgot something?

Laney: From Ronnie Anne?

Lincoln: Yeah... I asked her to hold it for me. [Laney looked at Lincoln suspiciously]

Laney: Okay, then. [She and Lincoln walk up to Ronnie Anne's door and she knocks on it]

Ronnie Anne: [Answers the door] Oh, hey guys. [Notices Lincoln] And Lincoln?

Lincoln: [nervous] I, uh, missed Rochelle, so I thought I'd stop by and say hi.

Ronnie Anne: But you had her-I mean, him all day!

Lincoln: I know. We bonded. That's probably why I miss him-Ugh! I mean, her so much.

[Ronnie Anne sighs]

Laney: Oh, don't worry about him. Let's just have our playdate. Maybe you can show us around?

Ronnie Anne: Alright. [Lets Laney in and she walks inside; To Lincoln] You comin'?

Joey: Do you think Lincoln's up to something?

Laney: Probably. My brother's always up to something. But it's probably nothing to worry about.

[She shows him Rochelle/Toby in the kitchen, resting on a boxer of shredded paper, much to Lincoln's relief.]

Lincoln: Whew.

Ronnie Anne: Anyway, you can set down your egg here Laney. [To Lincoln] And you have 10 minutes with your egg. I have some stuff to do anyway.

[They both go off in different directions. Laney places her egg next to Rochelle/Toby and leaves]

Lincoln: [to Rochelle/Toby] I'm so glad you're okay. Don't worry. Daddy's here.

Laney: So, Ronnie Anne. What do you wanna do?

Ronnie Anne: Can it wait a moment, I gotta fold this laundry. [does so]

Joey: Oh my. That's a lot of laundry. You must have a big family, Ronnie.

Ronnie Anne: You think so, but no. This is all of Bobby's clothes. lifeguard, mall cop, pizza delivery guy...

Joey: Wow, you weren't kidding. That is a lot of jobs!

Laney: Hey, maybe I can help.

Ronnie Anne: Sorry, I don't think you can help with all of Bobby's- [Ronnie Anne and Joey are surprised to see Laney rapidly folding laundry] Woah! How do you do that so fast?

Laney: Do you know how many laundry I have to fold back home while Lori talks to her "Boo Boo Bear"? This isn't my first rodeo. [Folds the last uniform as origami and gives it to Ronnie Anne]

Ronnie Anne: Wow, I'm impressed.

Joey: Same here...

Bobby: [in pain and off-screen] AAH! AAH! EMERGENCY! SIS, YOU HOME?!

Ronnie Anne: Uh oh! [runs to Bobby]

Bobby: [still yelping and holding his finger.] WORKPLACE INJURY! WORKPLACE INJURY! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!

Ronnie Anne: [next to her brother] I'm here, I'm here. Let me take a look. [looks at his finger] Oh, it's just a little splinter. [tweezes it out] See? I got it. All better.

Bobby: [relieved] Aw, thanks, Nie Nie. [hugs her] I can always count on you.

[Ronnie Anne notices Lincoln and Laney watching and breaks the hug.]

Ronnie Anne: Okay, okay, okay. You'd better get ready for work. You're gonna be late. I did a load of your work shirts. [shows them nice and clean] There was some pretzel cheese on your mall cop one, but I got it out. [gives it to him]

Bobby: You're like some kind of wizard.

Ronnie Anne: Now, hurry, Bobby. You're gonna be late.

Mrs. Santiago: Ronalda! Roberto! I'm home! [enters the kitchen in her nurse outfit] Oh, hi, Lincoln, Laney. Nice to see you. Who's your friend.

Laney: Mrs. Santiago, this is Joey.

Joey: A pleasure to meet you, madam.

Ronnie Anne: Hey, Mom. Wash up. Dinner's in five.

Mrs. Santiago: [surprised] You made dinner?

Ronnie Anne: Yeah. I figured after two shifts, it'd be the last thing you wanted to do.

Mrs. Santiago: [laughs and pats her head] Oh, how did I get so lucky with you?

[Her mom laughs and walks off. Bobby comes running out in his lifeguard outfit with his balance board.]

Bobby: Off to save some lives! [leaves]

Joey: He does know its September, right?

[Ronnie Anne runs to Bobby with his pizza boy shirt]

Joey: Wow, she's really got her hands full.

Laney: At least she deals with only one sibling. You want hands full? Come to my place.

Lincoln: You know what, Rochelle? I think I had your mom all wrong. [takes the fake egg back and puts Rochelle back.] Why don't you stay here tonight?

Laney: Hey, Lincoln. Aren't you gonna stay for the playdate?

Lincoln: Uh, no. I really got to get going. See you at home!

[While he was leaving he bumped into Ronnie Anne, causing the fake egg to bounce.]

Laney: Lincoln! Your egg is... bouncing?

Ronnie Anne: Uh...why is he bouncing?

Lincoln: [nervous] Uh...because he's a bouncing baby boy?

Joey: Or maybe because that's not the real Toby? [Laney and Ronnie Anne sees the real egg]

Laney: A fake egg!? Lincoln, what's goin on?

Lincoln: Uh, well I can explain. You see, I gave Ronnie Anne a fake egg...

Ronnie Anne: Why would you do that?

Lincoln: Because you're, well, Ronnie Anne.

Ronnie Anne: What's that supposed to mean?

Lincoln: Well, I thought you couldn't be trusted with the real one because you're not exactly the most careful and nurturing type, but-

Ronnie Anne: [furiously interrupts] So, that's what you think of me? That I'm such a monster that I can't be left alone with an egg!?

Lincoln: [backing up nervously] No no no. When I saw you with your family, I realized I had you all wrong, and- [hits the table] Oof!

[The crash causes Rochelle/Toby and Jane to fly up into the air.]

Laney and Joey: JANE!

[Laney runs to her egg in slow motion and manages to catch it but Rochelle/Toby falls down and breaks. Laney gasps and angrily glares at Lincoln]

Ronnie Anne: I guess none of that matters anymore. Thanks a lot, Lincoln. Now we're gonna fail.

Laney: [Dissappointed] Lincoln, I knew you had doubts about Ronnie Anne being responsible. But I never knew you would stoop so low as to trick her! What? You think she's dumb to!? And you almost broke Jane! Agh! I can't even talk to you right now!

Lincoln: [apologetically stammering] I...I...

Ronnie Anne: [livid] Just get out of my house!

[Lincoln complies]

Laney: [Sighs frustratingly] Ronnie Anne, I'm really sorry, but I don't think we can have our playdate anymore... I'll just go. [Leaves, Joey follows her]

[Down the street, a downtrodden Lincoln passes by Clyde, Penelope, and Calliope.]

Clyde: Hey, Lincoln. Penelope and I wanted to arrange a play date for our eggs.

Penelope: It's important to socialize at an early age.

Laney: Sorry guys, there won't be any playdates because Daddy here broke his little Rochelle.

[Penelope and Clyde gasp and Clyde consoles Calliope from hearing that.]

Penelope: Laney, please!

Clyde: I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sure it wasn't easy working with Ronnie Anne.

Lincoln: Actually, I think it wasn't easy for her to work with me.

Laney: Just as I suspected, Ronnie Anne wasn't as reckless as you guys thought. She takes care of her brother, she does the laundry, and she patches up kids injuries.

Clyde: Wow, I never knew that about her.

Lincoln: I wish I did... [gets an idea] That gives me an idea! Gotta run! [cycles off; Laney sighs]

Penelope: Would you guys like to have a playdate with us?

Laney: No thanks. I got to get going. [Leaves]

Joey: Don't worry, Laney. At least our egg is safe. Now we can get to that scrumptious waffle breakfast tomorrow.

Laney: Yeah, I guess that's a bright side. But I still feel bad about Ronnie Anne.

Joey: I know how you feel. All this time I've been in Royal Woods, I didn't get to know Ronnie enough when she wedgied me. But now after seeing what she's like at home I know exactly how she felt when Lincoln lied to her like that. When he thougt she was destructive, and rude. But she's not like that at all. I think I know just how to cheer Ronnie up. It's too late for the egg but I think I have something better...[Laney smiles]

[The next day, Lincoln sneaks a basket onto the Santiago's doorstep, rings the bell, and hides in a bush. Ronnie Anne answers and spots the basket with a note attached.]

Ronnie Anne: [reading the note] **Please take care of me. Signed, Toby Rochelle II.** [spots Lincoln] I know you're there, weirdo.

Lincoln: [pops out] Oh, uh...hi.

Ronnie Anne: What's with the egg? We're done. We failed.

Lincoln: Well, after I left your house yesterday, I went to talk to Mrs. Johnson.

[Flashback to him talking to his teacher.]

Lincoln: So, it was my fault the egg broke. I thought I knew who Ronnie Anne was, but it turns out I didn't know anything about her. She's really responsible and caring, and she deserves a second chance.

[Lincoln droops his head in sorrow and Mrs. Johnson thinks about it for a second.]

Mrs. Johnson: All right, Lincoln, I'll give her another shot.

Lincoln: [relieved] That's awesome! Thanks, Mrs. Johnson.

Mrs. Johnson: And you, too.

Lincoln: [surprised] Really?

Mrs. Johnson: I think you just figured out what this assignment is all about.

[Lincoln smiles. End flashback]

Lincoln: She didn't let me off the hook completely. I don't get the waffle breakfast, but that's okay, because all I care about now is putting our family back together.

Ronnie Anne: [touched] Thanks, Lincoln. I appreciate it. [nudges him]

Lincoln: Ow!

Ronnie Anne: But don't get too mushy on me.

Laney: That's very sweet of you, Lincoln. [Lincoln sees Laney and Joey with a basket]

Lincoln: Laney? What are you doing here?

Laney: Well, we feel bad that you get to miss out on the waffle breakfast. So we decided to bring the breakfast to you.

Joey: Actually the whole thing was my idea. It's my way of saying "I think you're you're a good friend, and I hope we can start over"

Ronnie Anne: Wow, thanks you guys. [Basket appears to have less waffles] Uh, I thought they were more waffles in here.

Joey: [blushes] Oh sorry, I got hungry on the way over here.

Ronnie Anne: Don't worry. I can make you waffles. Bobby and I were just about to have our breakfast.

[Lincoln gets waffles in his eyes in excitement and they go into the kitchen where Bobby is texting.]

Bobby: [noticing Lincoln] Hey, little Loud.

Ronnie Anne: I'm glad you brought this... [holds the egg up to the batter; maliciously] ...'cause I needed an extra egg.

Lincoln: [horrified] RONNIE ANNE! NO!

[Unfortunately, Ronnie Anne smashes the egg and drops the yolk into the batter. But she then reveals the real Toby Rochelle II in her pocket.]

Ronnie Anne: Gotcha! You're not the only one who can pull an egg swap, partner.

[She and Bobby laugh, and Lincoln uncomfortably joins in still in shock from that prank and calms down.]

Lincoln: Whew.


	87. Overnight Success

**Overnight Success**

[The episode begins with Lincoln in his room marking a date on his calendar on his bedroom door.]

Lincoln: [To the viewers] Tonight is a historic night for me. I GET TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER! [His loud voice alerts an owl and makes it fly away.] Now, I know what you're thinking. Lincoln, what's the big deal? Let me explain. See, sleepovers in the Loud house have not always gone so well.

[A flashback shows when Lynn had a sleepover with her friends. They were in the Living room, where Lynn was dribbling a soccer ball and her friends were cheering for her. But at the moment, the ball flies out the window and caused a crack in it.]

Lynn Sr.: AAHHHH! Lynn Jr.!

[A different flashback shows Leni and her friends having a sleepover in the living room where they were using hairdryers to blow dry their hair.]

Leni: Okay, we're done with the blow dry bar, time to curl! [She says, as she holds up a curling iron, and looks at the power supply filled with wires and cables, as she plugged in her curling iron, it showed all the buildings in the neighborhood had powered off.]

Lynn Sr.: Leni Loud!

[Another flashback shows Luna in the living room where she was smashing things with her electric guitar with her friends surrounding her.]

Luna: [in a British accent] GOODNIGHT, LIVING ROOM! [smashes her guitar on the coffee table.]

Lynn Sr.: What the darn heck?!

Chunk: Hey buddy! I don't see you on the list!

[Lynn Sr. is seen kicked out of the house.]

Lynn Sr.: Luna Loud!

[The montage of flashbacks ends.]

Lincoln: [To the viewers] Thanks to my sisters, sleepovers were banned in the loud house. So when I wanted to have one, it took some hard selling.

[Another flashback is shown where Lincoln is wearing his professional suit in front of the television facing his parents.]

Lincoln: Sleepovers. Why should I be able to have one? Because Lincoln Loud is all about the four R's. [turns on a video]

 **LINCOLN LOUD'S FOUR R'S**

 **RESPONSIBLE**

[Lincoln is trying to get Cliff out of a tree, but the cat hisses and attacks Lincoln, making him fall off the ladder.]

 **RESPECTFUL**

[Lincoln is helping an old lady across the street, but her cat in her basket attacks Lincoln.]

 **RELIABLE**

[Lincoln is throwing out Lily's dirty diaper, but Cliff is in the trash bin and attacks Lincoln again which Lily giggles at.]

 **REALLY**

Lincoln: [begging his parents] And, really, you guys, it would be so awesome if you let me do this! [Cliff hisses at him but refrains his assault.] Please?

[End flashback]

Lincoln: Luckily, Dad is a real sucker for cat videos. Now that they've said yes, I'm gonna make sure this is the best sleepover ever.

[Meanwhile in Laney's room]

Laney: This is going to be the best slumber party ever! I'm so glad you came over to join me Karla.

Karla: I'm just surprised your dad is cool with it. Didn't you say he banned sleepovers at your house?

Laney: Well, yes. But I was able to convince him that I can be well behaved on my sleepover. That, and I found out that cat videos are his weakness.

Karla: Clever girl. So what's on the agenda tonight?

Laney: Hmm... well let's see... I know! Let's give each other wacky hairdos! Come on! My hair styling kit is downstairs... [They walk downstairs. Meanwhile, Lincoln was at the door]

[The doorbell rings]

Lincoln: This is it! Time to make history! [answers the door to Clyde and two men who are Clyde's fathers.] Hey, Clyde. Hi, Mr. McBride. Hi, Mr. McBride.

Harold: Hi, Lincoln. Ready for your big night?

Lincoln: You bet.

Howard: Great. Just a couple things Clyde will need. Sleeping bag, feetsie pajamas, white noise machine, humidifier, dehumidifier, earplugs, inhaler, and allergy medications. [hands each of them to Lincoln as he lists them.]

Harold: Here are all the numbers where you can reach us if our cell phones fail. [hands Lincoln the numbers] Restaurant, movie theater, coffee shop, gas station...in case we have to pee.

Howard: Hm. Good idea. [giving something to Clyde] And here's a photo of us since we can't tuck you in tonight. [holds Clyde closely]

Harold: Remember, Clyde. No nuts, no gluten, no sugar, and be careful with orange juice. You know how you get with pulp.

Howard: [holds Harold] He's growing up so fast.

Harold: Come on, Howie. Remember what Dr. Lopez said about letting go. Now let go.

[Clyde's fathers leave]

Howard: [sobbing] I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

Harold: Have fun, Clyde!

Clyde: Oh, we will! [closes door] This place is like New York City; it never sleeps.

Lincoln: And neither will we. I've got a whole itinerary for us... [Enter Laney and Karla]

Laney: Hey, Lincoln. Have you seen my hair styling kit?

Lincoln: Oh, sure, it's by the couch.

Laney: Thanks.

Clyde: Hey, Laney. Who's your friend.

Laney: Clyde, Lincoln. This is Karla.

Karla: So your Laney's brother, huh? Gee It must be really stressful being in a big family 'cause your hair's all white. I heard about giving you grey hairs but this is ridiculous. [Clyde and Laney laugh]

Clyde: [laughs] You're so funny, Karla.

Karla: Oh, why thank you.

Lincoln: So what are you guys doing?

Laney: Don't mind us, Lincoln. We were just having our slumber party tonight.

Lincoln: Cool cause we were just getting started on our... SLUMBER PARTY!?

Karla: Uh. Slumber parties are for girls but that's cool.

Lincoln: Uh, Laney? Can I have a word with you? [Takes Laney to the back of the couch] Laney how on earth did you manage to have a slumber party? I had to help old ladies cross the street to get this.

Laney: Really? All I had to do was show him cat videos.

Lincoln: That's what I did too!

Laney: Look Lincoln. I know how much this sleepover means to you. I promise we won't be a bother to your sleepover.

Lincoln: Well, okay. But stay away from the living room. Were using it to watch King of the Rings.

Laney: Okay, Lincoln. Let's go Karla! I got some ideas! [Laney and Karla go upstairs]

Karla: I insist on a french braid!

Lincoln: Okay, Clyde. Let's get to it.

[Clyde is not responding.]

Lincoln: Clyde? Clyde? Clyde? Clyde? [He hears some sniffing in the bathroom and finds Clyde sniffing a bottle of shampoo.] Uh...what are you doing?

Clyde: Inhaling Lori's glorious coconut and guava shampoo. [sniffs some more] Mmm...~

Lincoln: We all use that shampoo.

Clyde: [sniffs Lincoln's hair and looks disappointed.] So you do...

Lincoln: Come on. Let's get outta here before Lori comes in and you pass out again.

Clyde: Please. I'm always cool around Lori.

[At that moment, Lori steps out of her room. Clyde notices her and goes into his robot mode.]

Clyde: ABORT. ABORT. SYSTEMS OVERHEATING. [pulls the shower curtain off and shuts down.]

Lincoln: [sighs] We need to start King of the Rings in the next 25 seconds or we'll be passing into precious armpit farting time.

[Meanwhile, Laney and Karla had wacky hairdos. Laney hair was tall and swirly with flowers on them while Karla's hair had full on french braids.]

Karla: Wow, Laney. I've never knew you were so handy with making hairdos.

Laney: Actually this is the first time I did it on an actual person. I used to just do it on dolls. So waht do you want to do now?

Karla: I say we do what all girls do at slumber parties and gossip!

Laney: Gossip? But I don't have anything to hide. You already know about my scar.

Karla: That's not what I'm talking about! I'm talking about boys!

Laney: Boys?

Karla: Yeah, like Joey.

Laney: [flabbergasted] Joey!? Uh.. I don't know what your talking about.

Karla: I'm talking about how your crushing on him.

Laney: What? No! I'm just his friend.

Karla: Oh come on, Lanes. Cute freckles, british accent, you're nuts for him.

Laney: Uh... Well... Clyde's sniffing your hair. [Karla looks behind to see Clyde doing so]

Karla: What do you think your doing, kid?

Clyde: Oh! Sorry ladies, I was just attracted to that lovely aroma you have. And might I add that those hairstyles are so stylish!

Laney: Thanks, Clyde. That was my idea.

Clyde: Wow, Laney. You have such a creatve mind. Your artisic ideas are so bright and inspiring. It warms my heart.

Laney: [blushes] Oh, thank you Clyde. [Lincoln comes in and pulls Clyde away]

Lincoln: Yes, that's very nice. But we got to get back to our itinerary.

Clyde: Bye girls.

[The boys are on their way to Lincoln's room. Some laughter can be heard.]

Lincoln: [looking over the itinerary] Okay, we may have to do armpit farts during King of the Rings. Also soda burps. It's okay. I can make this work. [notices Clyde is gone] Clyde?

[Clyde is listening to some of Luan's material.]

Luan: The lettuce was a head, and the tomato was trying to ketchup. [laughs to rimshot and laugh track.]

Clyde: [laughs and applauds] Luan, I love your brand of offbeat observational humor.

Luan: Well, thank you, my good man. Give it up for the house band!

[Luna performs a killer solo and turns on some colored lights.]

Clyde: Luna, your rock stylings moves both my heart and my feet.

Luna: [in a British accent] Cheers, mate!

[Lincoln comes in and takes Clyde back.]

Lincoln: Uh, I'll thank you to stop bugging Clyde. We have a long night ahead of us. [leaves the room and checks the itinerary.] We're now a full minute behind schedule. But we can make that up if we don't waste time buttering the popcorn.

Clyde: That's fine. My dads say my cholesterol level could use a break. [A hackysack ball comes out of Lynn and Lucy's room and pegs Clyde.]

Lynn: HEADS!

Clyde: [catches it with his foot] I got it! [does some tricks]

Lynn: All right, Clyde! Keep it going! [joins in with him]

[Enter Leni with a jar of face cream.]

Leni: I think my new face cream might cause hives. Can someone else try it first? [splashes it on Clyde] Ooh! Claude! Perfect!

Clyde: Actually, it's Clyde. This doesn't have peanuts in it, does it?

Laney: Clyde! We need third for jumprope! You in?

Clyde: I'm so in! [Starts to jumprope as Laney and Karla hold the rope]

Karla: Man, I love hanging out at your place!

[Enter Lisa with a helmet she created]

Lisa: Time for my Friday night brainwave study! [notices Clyde] Oh! A new subject! [puts it on Clyde, turns it on, and starts to take control of him.] DANCE! DANCE, YOU FOOL!

Clyde: [under the helmet's surging pulses.] THIS IS AWESOME!

[A snake breaks out of the twins' room.]

Lana: WE'VE GOT A RUNNER! [sees her snake wrap itself around Clyde.] Aw...El Diablo likes you.

Leni, Lynn, Laney, Lana, and Lisa: Aw...

Lincoln: Guys, enough! Leave Clyde alone! We have an itinerary!

Clyde: It's okay, Lincoln. We can just hang here with your sisters.

Lincoln: What? No! I see my sisters enough as it is. This sleepover is supposed to be our night.

[Lola appears with a mirror and a toy wand.]

Lola: It's princess makeover time! I need a toad to turn into a beautiful princess. [sees Clyde and gasps] Oh, you'll be a challenge.

Lincoln: Clyde, come on! We gotta get started! [grabs Clyde's arm]

Lola: Hey, that's my toad! [grabs Clyde's other arm]

Clyde: I hate to let the kid down, Lincoln. Start the movie and I'll be right in.

Lincoln: Are you kidding me? I can't believe you would rather spend your time with my dumb sisters...

Leni, Lynn, Lana, Lola, and Lisa: HEY!

Lincoln: ...than do all the things I planned for us! You are ruining the sleepover, Clyde! Fart time is out the window, and I seriously doubt we'll get to booger flicking!

Clyde: But, Lincoln, we can still have fun doing this other stuff.

Lincoln: You know what? Let's just forget the whole thing. The sleepover is officially canceled! [slams his door]

Laney: Oh boy. I never seen Lincoln that mad before.

Clyde: I should go make up with him. Dr. Lopez taught me a lot about conflict resolution.

[Lori appears]

Lori: Clyde, good. I need a man's opinion. What do you think Bobby means by "Hey"?

Clyde: [enters robot mode upon seeing her] ABORT. ABORT. SYSTEMS SHUTTING... [lowering in pitch] ...DOWN... [goes into a lovesick reboot]

Karla: Does he always act like that?

Laney: Like you wouldn't believe...

[Lincoln's room. Lincoln is pacing around in frustration. Laney opens the door]

Laney: Hey, Lincoln. Sorry about what happened out there. We didn't mean to ruin your sleepover. It's just that Clyde just really seems to like hanging out with us. Not that we think that Clyde likes us more than you it's just that-

Lincoln: It's alright, Laney. Because my sleepover isn't ruined yet. Because I did not get mauled by three cats just to have it go to waste. [gets an idea] Maybe it doesn't have to. [Lincoln runs off]

Laney: You got to admire his commitment.

Liam: Sounds pretty loud up there.

Lincoln: Keep it to yourself, Liam. They can smell fear.

[They go into Lincoln's room.]

Lincoln: Behold, Liam! The King of the Rings five hour director's cut! [puts the blu-ray in]

[Lola barges in with her makeup kit]

Lola: PRINCESS MAKEOVER TIIIIIIIIIIIME! [sees Liam] Ooh! A new toad! [gives him a full makeover against his will.]

[Liam sees what Lola did to his face and runs out the door.]

Liam: AAH! I LOOK LIKE MY MEEMAW!

Lola: Some people just don't appreciate beauty. I MADE YOUR EYES POP, KID!

 **KING OF THE RINGS**

 **Extended European Director's Edition**

[Lincoln has a new boy over.]

Lincoln: Chad, my new sleepover pal. Get ready for the best five hours ever spent watching a dramatic search for a lost piece of jewelry!

[Lisa pops out and notices Chad.]

Lisa: Ho, ho, ho! Fresh brains!

Chad: Say what?

[Lisa pulls out some jumper cables and starts laughing like crazy. Chad runs out of the house screaming in panic.]

Lisa: Eh, I doubt there was much brain worth examining in that specimen anyway.

[Lincoln has brought over yet another boy.]

Lincoln: Thanks for coming, Artie. I want you to know you were my... [looks at a list and has crossed off Liam and Chad from it.] ...first' choice for a sleepover.

[They bump into Lucy]

Lucy: Hey. I'm conducting a practice funeral and I need a corpse. [looks at Artie] How do you feel about enclosed spaces?

[Artie bolts for the door and runs back home. Lincoln looks at Lucy sternly and Lucy just smiles. The next boy Lincoln invites over is having a nice time until he smells Lily having just made a mess in her diaper, causing him to gag and run. Laney comes down and picks up Lily]

Laney: Lily, there you are. You have got to stop running off like that. [sniff] Oh! Lori! It was supposed to be your turn to change her diaper!

[The next boy Lincoln invites over gets a surprise from Lynn.]

Lynn: [playing Football] Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! [tackles Lincoln's guest]

[The next boy is chased out by El Diablo.]

Lincoln: Okay, so maybe not everyone can handle the Loud House. But I think I finally found the perfect candidate. He lives in between a freeway and a circus.

[The doorbell rings and Lincoln answers it meeting a very short boy with glasses, buckteeth, and a crazy red hairdo.]

Lincoln: Zach, my man! Ready for a great night?

[The sisters' commotion blows the roof off the house.]

Zach: Aw, heck no! [leaves]

Lincoln: Huh. Now that surprises me. [He closes the door] Isn't there anyone who can handle this house? [hears the white noise machine and turns it off as he notices all of Clyde's stuff on the floor.] Clyde! Of course! He doesn't just handle it, he likes it! [busts out his walkie talkie.] Little Bo Sleep, this is Slumberjack. Do you read? [only picks up static] Wow. He must be really mad. Was I that big of a jerk? [hears the white noise machine again] Oh, who asked you? [Turns it off in annoyance]

[The McBride residence. Lincoln climbs in through the window into Clyde's room. It looks like Clyde is under the covers.]

Lincoln: Hey, buddy. Listen. I'm really sorry for blowing up at you. I didn't realize how lucky I was to have you as a friend. [No response] The silent treatment, huh? I deserve it. I just hope you'll forgive me someday. [hears another noise machine] Man! How many noise machines do you own?

[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln hears some laughter going on in Luna and Luan's room and finds out Clyde is hanging with all his sisters except Lori.]

Lincoln: Clyde? You're still here?

Clyde: Sorry, Lincoln. I know you wanted me to leave, but I passed out. And every time Lori came to check on me, I passed out again.

Karla: Seriously. You should really do something about that.

Laney: Believe me Karla, I have tried.

Lincoln: No, Clyde. I want you to stay. I was just at your house apologizing to...someone.

Clyde: Oh, that must have been my stuffed animals. They kind of keep me company at night.

Lincoln: Right. Because you're an only child. No wonder you like hanging out with all of my sisters.

Clyde: Yeah. Sometimes, it's pretty lonely at my house.

[Luna is setting the mood by playing her violin.]

Luna: [emotional] Dude...your story moves both my heart...and my fingers...

Laney: It's okay, Clyde. Not everyone is lucky to have a big family like us. But you do have some friends who will lways be there for you.

Clyde: Thanks, Laney.

Lincoln: How about we start this sleepover again?

Clyde: You mean it?

Lincoln: Definitely. Only this time... [tears up the itinerary causing his sisters to gasp in shock.] ...we're gonna do what you wanna do.

[Clyde smiles]

[Lincoln and Clyde are now having the sleepover with all of Lincoln's sisters.]

Leni: [applying shampoo to Clyde] Now, Clark, this shampoo may cause baldness, so let me know what happens.

[Lily garbles to Clyde and Clyde garbles back.]

Lola: Ooh! I see two toads that need makeovers! [gives Lincoln and Clyde makeovers]

Lynn: [with her hackysack] Heads up, yo!

[She and Clyde play a little and take their seats as soon as King of the Rings starts.]

Clyde: King of the Rings! Sweet!

Lincoln and Clyde: To the best sleepover ever!

Kids: BEST SLEEPOVER EVER! YEAH!

Karla: Man, Laney your family is the coolest. We should hang here all the time!

Laney: That's great. But, maybe not all the time Karla. Things can get a little crazy.

Karla: Oh, relax, I can handle it. I mean, how crazy can it be?

[Lori returns with some snacks.]

Lori: Okay, who wants pizza bites?

Clyde: [enters robot mode upon seeing her once again.] ABORT! ABORT! SYSTEMS SHUTTING... [lowering in pitch] ...DOWN! [shuts down]

Karla: Besides, at least you're not realted to him.

Leni: [examines her shampoo] Sheesh. Are there peanuts in everything?


	88. A Fridge Too Far

**A Fridge Too Far**

[A ringing sound is heard. Cut to inside the classroom where Lincoln is looking at the clock with his mouth drooling. From his point of view, he is hallucinating the clock as a mac 'n' cheese bite.]

Lincoln: [dreamily] Mmm! Mac 'n' cheese bites!

Liam: [whispers] Hey! Psst! Lincoln! What'd you get for Number 1?

Lincoln: [dreamily] Mac 'n' cheese!

Liam: [jotting down] Thanks, buddy.

Zach: Really? I thought the Native Americans gave the Pilgrims corn.

Liam: If Lincoln says mac 'n' cheese, that's good enough for me.

Lincoln: [worriedly] I can't focus at all today. [to the viewers] Last night, Dad made his famous mac 'n' cheese bites for dinner and in order to make all that cheesy goodness last, I saved three bites for after school. But, if I'm going to get through this day without losing my mind, I'm going to have to stop thinking about them.

[Intercom buzzing]

Cheryl: [over intercom] The following students please report to the principal's office: Mac and Chaz.

Mrs. Johnson: Alright, everyone. Pencils down and let's go over the worksheet. [holds out the answer sheet] Who has the answer to Number 1"

Liam: [waves his hand excitedly] Oh, oh, me! It's mac 'n' cheese and if I'm wrong, you can flunk me. [winks at a worried Lincoln.]

[Back at the Loud House, Lynn Sr. is wearing a chef's hat and is holding a bowl of foie gras foam as he enters the kitchen.]

Lynn Sr.: [singing merrily] Today's the big day! [twirls and continues singing] Just to chill the Duck Liver Pâté. [places the Pâté in the fridge and mixes the bowl whilst still singing.] I'll show him that I'm a star with my yummy take on caviar.

Rita: [enters the kitchen] I love that confidence, honey. When is the investor getting here?

Lynn Sr.: In a few hours. Just think, if he likes my food, I can open my own restaurant. Here, try this Foie gras foam! [stuffs the ladle of foie gras foam into Rita's mouth. Rita gulps it down.] And here's the second course [opens an empty jar]

Rita: [sniffs it] Err, this is just air...in a jar.

Lynn Sr.: Lemon air in a jar. Low-end but locale.

Rita: Honey, no offense, but why are you making all this showy stuff? What's wrong with your famous 'Lyna-sagna'?

Lynn Sr.: Honey, this is Timothy McCole. This guy travels all over the world tasting exciting and exotic food. [stammering] I can't just shove a hunk of noodles.

Rita: Well, I like the hunk who made those noodles and I think anything he cooks is delicious. [kisses Lynn Sr. and leaves.]

Lynn Sr.: Can you say that again when he's here?

[Later, Laney was walking into the kitchen happily whistling]

Laney: Next stop: the fridge. Where I have leftovers of last night's dessert! [drools] Chocolate chip pudding! [Laney walks over to the fridge and opens it] WHA!? [She is shocked to notice that her pudding is gone] My pudding! There was pudding here last night! I put it in there!

Lincoln: [enters the kitchen in a zombie-like trance.] Mac 'n' cheese!

Laney: Lincoln! Do you know about the- [Lincoln walks right past her, still in a trance]

Lincoln: Mac 'n' cheese!

Laney: No, it can't be him. He's gone mac 'n' cheese crazy.

Lincoln: [opens the fridge and opens the container only to find two mac 'n' cheese bites left.] [upset] Two bites?! I saved three! [growls, glares at Laney] Laney! Did you touch my bites?

Laney: It wasn't me Lincoln. I'm just as shocked as you are. I was going for my choclate chip pudding and it completely vanished! [Lincoln marches to the living room]

[The sisters are in the living room when Lincoln enters.]

Lincoln: [angrily] Alright, which of you vultures swiped one of my mac 'n' cheese bites?! If you guys wanted one so badly, you should save some of your own.

Lana: I'm not saying it was me. [burps] But if I did take one, I only did it because Lola ate the rest of Dad's tater tot bake. I was saving that!

Lola: I'm not copping to eating the tater tot bake but if I did, it was because Luan ate the last slice of Dad's pie, which I was saving!

Luan: Actually, I didn't eat it.

Lola: Oh, my bad.

Luan: I smashed it in Lynn's face.

[Lynn nods, confirming it. Lola growls angrily]

Laney: Everyone, please. I know Dad's leftovers are delicious but we shouldn't take and take and take without other peoples permission. Can't we just learn to share?

Lucy: Try telling that to me when I had Dad's chcolate pudding.

Laney: [Angrily] THAT WAS YOU!?

Lincoln: Guys, how do you not see this as a problem? Our fridge is like the Wild West!

Lori: Look, Lincoln, nobody likes having their leftovers swiped but we're a big family. You can't expect to protect every little bite of food that you want.

Lincoln: [thoughtfully] Oh, can't I?

Lori: No, you can't!

[Lincoln walks off and Laney follows him]

Laney: What are you planning?

Lincoln: I'm planning to protect my leftovers. If you ever want some pudding again. You do it too.

Laney: Oh no! I know better to get involved in ridiculous conflicts. Besides it's always end in disaster.

Lincoln: Suite yourself. [Lincoln leaves]

Laney: Maybe I'm overreacting to this. I mean they're just leftovers. I'm sure they won't take it too far...

[Later, Luan is in the kitchen and looks inside the fridge when a label from Lincoln's face and name on his container.]

Luan's Thoughts: Hmm, I really want one of those mac 'n' cheese bites but Lincoln is gonna have a conniption. Then again, watching Lincoln have a conniption is fun.

[Luan grabs the container but it's attached to a string, which opens a door on the bottom, causing a watermelon to fall onto Luan's foot.]

Luan: Owww! [clutches her foot in pain.]

Lincoln: [from the doorway] That'll teach her. [smirks before leaving]

Luan: [angrily] Oh! So, we're protecting our stuff now, huh? [shakes her fist] Fine by me!

[Later, Leni looks inside the fridge and gasps excitedly when she sees a wrapped brownie.]

Leni's Thoughts: Ooh, one of Dad's yummy brownies. But, wait, didn't Luan call this? Well, she won't mind if I just break off a little corner.

[But, before Leni can break off a corner, a boxing glove suddenly pops out of the fridge and punches Leni.]

Leni: [yells in pain] Ow!

Luan: [from the window] The gloves are off, now. [laughs before disappearing]

Leni's Thoughts: Luan put that there to protect her leftovers?! Well, I can play that game too!

[Laney looks inside the fridge and sees a piece of leftover lasagna]

Laney's Thoughts: Dad's leftover Lynn-sagna! No, I can't this is Lucy's leftover. But it's so good! No! I must'nt get involved in this silly feud! [Laney struggles to resist but takes the lasagna] I'm sure she won't mind if I take a small bite... [A bowling ball then drops on Laney and hits her over the head]

Laney: Uhh... Has anyone seen my... unicorn? [Passes out]

[Leni slinks away. Later, Luna attempts to steal another leftover, but when she lifts the lid, a paint bomb explodes, covering the kitchen and Luna in blue paint. Lynn reaches for some pudding and gets mauled by a raccoon. Next, it's Lana's turn but the drumstick she grabs is hooked up to Vanzilla. As a result, she takes a bite and yells in pain as she is electrocuted. Lori reaches the fridge but feels something biting her hand. She pulls it out to see the turtle biting it and she runs out of the kitchen, screaming.]

Lincoln: [angrily] That's it! You guys really crossed the line this time! [camera zooms out to reveal that Lincoln has been hung upside down by a snare trap.]

Luna: [still covered in blue paint] I'd say that line was crossed when this happened, brah!

Lana: [still burned from her shock] Or this!

Luan: [with her leg in a cast] Or this!

Laney: [With bandages wrapped around her head] Or this... ow.

Lily: [glowing green because of radiation] Ga-Ga!

[Laney, Luna, Luan and Lana look at Lily in shock.]

Lincoln: This is crazy! We can't go on like this! If someone could gently let me down, I think I have an idea.

[Luan cuts the rope and Lincoln falls to the floor with a thud.]

[Later, the siblings are gathered in the kitchen.]

Lincoln: I think we can all agree: basic order needs to be restored so with an assist from Lisa and Laney, I came up with a plan.

[Lisa wheels in a blackboard, accidentally running over Luan's injured foot.]

Luan: [gasps in pain]

Lisa: Sorry! [lifts the cover off her blackboard.] Per Lincoln's request, I calculated the refrigerator's cubic footage and divided it in eleven equally sized zones, creating the optimal conditions for what I'd like to call: Dairy Détente.

Lincoln: [opens the door] Everybody gets a zone of their own. And the genius part is that no one can mistake theirs for someone else's because they're color-coded. [presses a button on a remote and the compartments light up in the siblings' respective colors.]

Laney: The colors were my idea.

Sisters [minus Lisa and Laney]: [in awe] Oooh!

Laney: Now we don't ever have to worry about stealing each other's leftovers.

Lincoln: Exactly, Laney. All we have to do now is divide up Dad's leftovers and put them in our zones.

[The sisters look at the pile of leftovers and began fighting over it. Later, the argument is settled and the siblings have claimed their leftovers.]

Lori: I call Dad's stuffed peppers!

Lynn: And I got dibs on his fried chicken!

Laney: I got his Lynn-sagna!

Leni: I get his mine strone.

Lisa: Err, Leni, it's pronounced 'Minestrone'.

Leni: I call it 'Mine Strone' because it's mine!

[Soon, the siblings are placing their leftovers in their zones.]

Lincoln: Nice job. Thanks for the assist.

Lisa: You're welcome. For payment, I will happily accept your last mac 'n' cheese bite.

Lincoln: Not a chance.

[Later, Lynn Sr. returns from the grocery store, humming happily.]

Lynn Sr.: [singing] Wait 'till he tries my Uni-surprise. This organic beet juice will open his eyes. [Lynn Sr. is so busy singing he fails to notice the different colored zones in the fridge.] [still singing] That investor guy will feel like a royal when he tastes my risotto with... [stops singing when he notices something is missing in his bag.] Dang it! I forget the truffle oil! [facepalms himself] Come on, Lynn. You're better than that! [closes the fridge and walks out of the kitchen just as Luan, Laney, and Lisa enter.]

Luan: Next stop: Yellow Zone! Can't wait to dig into Dad's mashed potatoes.

Laney: You can have the potaoes. My stop is the brown zone where I will sink my teeth into that leftover Lynn-sagna!

Lisa: And my destination is the Green Zone, where I intend to feast on Father's savory meatloaf. [licks her lip in anticipation] Num-num!

Luan: [rushes over to the fridge and goes into her zone.] Eww! Gross! [reaches out the packet of uni Lynn Sr. put in there.] Someone put something in my zone called 'Uni'. Whatever that is.

Laney: What's that?

Lisa: That would be a low-fat, high-protein, globular animal in the Echinoidea class. Street name: sea urchin.

Luan: Well, sea you later. [throws the packet of uni into the trash can where Cliff dives in.] Must be one of Lori's gross health foods and it doesn't belong in my zone.

Laney: I don't know, Luan. It's not like Lori to eat something like that in her diet.

Luan: Of course it is, Laney. That's why it's gross. [takes her leftovers. Laney scratches her head and then she shrugs and takes her leftovers]

Lisa: [reaches in her zone and takes out the beet juice.] Lucy's homemade blood does not belong in my zone. Bye-bye. [throws the juice into the trashcan, covering Cliff in juice.]

Laney: Uh, I don't think that was Lucy's fake blood.

Lisa: Of couse it is, Laney. That reddish substance was fabricated to look just like blood. Ergo, that had to be Lucy's. [Walks off with her leftovers]

Laney: Well it does kinda look like blood. Besides, if it's not Lucy's who else could it have been. [Notices something in the fridge] Huh? [Takes out an empty jar] What's an empty jar doing in the fridge? More importantly what's it doing in my zone? [Opens the jar and sniifs it] Mm. Lemon. Not exactly sure who does this belong to. But I know one thing, we shouldn't leave empty jars in the fridge. [Places it on in the sink] I'll just leave this here for mom to wash up later. [Leaves with her leftovers]

[Later Lori opens the fridge door and sees the caviar in her zone.]

Lori: Eww! What is this black goo? [takes the caviar out and sniffs it.] Eww, smells fishy! Must be Lana's bait! [tosses the caviar] Not in my zone!

[Cliff emerges from the trashcan and grabs the caviar.]

[Later, Lola has found the duck liver pâté in her zone.]

Lola: Duck Liver Pate? Eww! Lisa! If you want to dissect animals, don't put their icky organs in my zone! [throws the pâté into the trashcan and a nearly full Cliff crawls towards it.]

[Lynn Sr. returns from the grocery store after getting the truffle oil when he notices something.]

Timothy McCole: [on his phone] If they can't be on time, just cancel the appointment and move my 3.15 to 3.00, my 4.15 to 4.00 and my... [whispers down the phone] manicure to 5.00.

Lynn Sr.: Oh, hi, there! Lynn Loud Sr., I am so glad to meet...

Timothy McCole: [shakes Lynn Sr.'s hand] Timothy McCole, but call me Tim because 'Timothy' takes more time to say and time is the one thing I don't have. Now, let's see what you've got for me.

Lynn Sr.: Err, don't worry, Tim. You'll be eating before you know it. [smiles nervously]

[Inside the kitchen]

Lynn Sr.: [opens the fridge door but screams in horror upon seeing his ingredients gone.]

Timothy McCole: Is everything alright?

Lynn Sr.: [stutters] Of course! I always scream when I open the fridge door. See. [opens the door and screams three times.]

Timothy McCole: Okay, I guess every chef has his own special style.

Lynn Sr.: Err, could I interest in a aperitif? [laughs nervously]

Timothy McCole: Well, I'd really rather...

Lynn Sr.: [hands Timothy a juice box] Good. Here's a new juice box. Good and sit down. [shoves Timothy out of the kitchen] I'll call you once dinner's ready. [runs back into the kitchen and begins searching franctically for his ingredients.] Where are all my ding-dang ingredients?!

[The siblings notice the commotion from the doorway.]

Lincoln: [worried] Dad, are you okay? We heard a woman yelling.

Lynn Sr.: No, I'm not okay! There's an investor in the living room waiting to try my food and all my ingredients are gone.

Cliff [meows in pain and throws up the pâté.]

Lynn Sr.: [unimpressed] Well, there's my pâté.

[Cliff throws up the caviar.]

Lynn Sr: And my caviar.

[Finally, Cliff throws up the uni.]

Lynn Sr: And my uni!

Laney: Wait a minute. You mean that uni was yours?

Lynn Sr: Yes it was!

Laney: And the beet juice?

Lynn Sr: That too! Cliff, how did you get your paws on my ingredients?

Laney: Uh, guys? Isn't there something you want to tell Dad?

Lori: It wasn't Cliff's fault, Dad. We threw out your ingredients. He must have gotten them out of the trash.

Lynn Sr.: What?! Why would you do that?

Luan: We didn't know they were yours.

Lincoln: See, we kinda divided the fridge into zones because we'd been stealing each other's leftovers.

Lori: So, when we found your stuff in our zones, we assumed someone was violating the system.

Lynn Sr.: You kids know I love your creative conflict resolutions but now I have nothing to serve my investor. [overhears slurping] [panics] And he's almost done with his juice box!

Lincoln: We're sorry, Dad. We never meant for something like this to happen.

Laney: I'm sorry too. For throwing out your lemon-smelling jar. But to be fair, you weren't supposed to put empty jars in the fridge.

Lynn Sr.: [sighs] Well, I guess my restaurant dreams are in the toilet. I'd better go tell 'No-Time Tim' his afternoon just opened up.

Laney: Oh, dad. [Gives Lynn Sr. her leftover lasagna] Here you can have my lasagna if that makes you feel better.

Lynn Sr.: That's very nice of you sweetie, but it's not like I can serve this to my investor.

Lincoln: [suddenly has an idea] That's it! What if you served him your leftovers? [opens the fridge]

Lori: Yeah! That's a great idea. You can take the stuffed pepper I've been saving.

Lisa: And, err, I can part with your meatloaf.

Leni: [reaches for the minestrone] And I'll give you this soup. Mine strone is now your strone.

Lynn Sr.: Oh, that's a nice thought, guys, but Tim won't want any of that. He's used to eating the most amazing food in the world.

Lucy: But, your leftovers are the most amazing food in the world.

Luna: Truth, Pops-star! Look what we did to keep them to ourselves.

Laney: It's true. I got hit in the head with a bowling ball. Got a bit of a concussion. [Lucy nods]

Lynn Sr.: [sniffs] Well, I guess it's worth a shot.

[Soon, Timothy is eating Lynn Sr.'s leftover lasagne whilst Lynn Sr. and the kids watch nervously.]

Timothy McCole: "Well, Lynn, I'm gonna give it to you straight. This is one of..." [happily] "...the best meals I've ever eaten."

Lynn Sr.: [ashamed] I knew it was a dumb idea! I should have never served it! I... [realizes] Wait, what?

Timothy McCole: I've been all over the world and every chef serves me the same thing: caviar, pâté, uni. It's boring and uninspired. Do you know at the last place I ate, the chef served 'Air in a Jar'.

Laney: [whisper] That's what that was? What kind weird resturant serves a jar full of air?

Lincoln: Shh!

Lynn Sr.: [scoffs] [laughs nervously] What a bozo!

Timothy McCole: But, your food is classic, comforting and delicious and when you travel as much as I do, there's nothing better than food that tastes like home. [writes a cheque] Oh, I want to be in the Lynn Loud business!

Lynn Sr.: [happily takes the cheque] Wow! Thank you, Tim! I don't know what to say. [offers a hug to Tim who declines it.]

Timothy McCole: I don't do hugs. [gets ready to go. Timothy and Lynn Sr. shakes hands. Then Timothy's phone rings and he answer it.] You got Tim. [leaves the house]

Lola: We do hugs. [she and the rest of the siblings hug Lynn Sr. who returns the hug.]

[Later, the siblings are washing the dishes when Rita comes home.]

Rita: So, how did it go?

Lynn: Aww, Dad kicked butt!

Lynn Sr.: [proudly] Yeah, I'm one step closer to my dream of owning a restaurant.

Rita: [happily] I'm so proud of you, Honey. I guess he liked your uni and your lemon air.

Lynn Sr.: Actually, he liked my leftover 'Lynn-sagna' just like you said.

Lana: And all his other leftovers too.

Rita: That's wonderful. This calls for a celebration. Who wants some of Dad's chocolate cake?

Sisters: [in unison] Me!

Lincoln: Wait! I didn't see any chocolate cake in the fridge.

Rita: Well, that's because I stashed it under the couch. [notices everyone looking at her with astonishment, and slightly embarrassed] What? I can't claim any leftovers?

Lynn: I'll go score us some. [races into the living room]

Rita: [realizes something] Lynn, wait!

[Lynn yelps as another paint bomb explodes and she re-enters the room covered in blue paint and looking annoyed, much to everyone's shock.]


	89. Selfie Improvement

**Selfie Improvement**

[Episode begins with Lori and Leni on their phones in the living room.]

Lori: Ooh. My last post got 100 likes. New record. Look. [Shows picture]

Leni: So cute. You've really found your best angle.

Lori: Thanks. [scrolling her phone] Not to brag, but, I kinda feel like I mastered the selfie.

Leni: [offscreen] Oh, totes. Your pic almost got as many likes as Carol Pingrey's.

Lori: [drops her phone on her face] Ow, Carol Pingrey!? I didn't even know she was on this app!

Leni: She just joined, can you believe her first selfie got 101 likes?

Lori: Give me that! [Grabs Leni's phone and sees Carol's first selfie.] Ugh, typical. Perfect Carol Pingrey has to one up me in everything I do.

[Flashback to when Lori, Leni, and Carol were little and Carol receives a medal award for selling the most Bluebell cookies, while Leni is comforting a despondent Lori.]

Young Leni: Don't feel bad, Lori, you sold almost as many cookies as Carol.

[Flashback to Carol beating Lori out for homecoming queen and Leni comforting Lori again.]

Leni: Oh, don't feel bad, Lori. You got almost as many votes as Carol.

[Flashback to Carol beating Lori in a golf tournament and Leni cheering for Lori.]

Leni: Yay, Lori! You got way more points than Carol.

Lori: Thanks Leni, but let me explain golf scoring, again.

[End of flashbacks]

Lori: [grumbles] I'm sick of it, I've literally been working for three months to get this many likes on my photos, I am not letting Carol waltz in here, and show me up, again! [Slams one foot onto the table, and the background becomes something that gives the impression that Lori is flying through the sky.] I swear on my senior parking space! My next selfie will get more likes than Carol Pingrey!

Leni: [From behind] Yay! Go, Lori! [Background returns to normal] Umm, could I have my phone back so I can like Carol's photo? I don't wanna be rude.

[In Laney's room, Laney was painting a picture of the house]

Laney: Okay, Laney. Just one more gentle stroke and your picture will be complete... [Lori bursts open the door causing Laney to mess up her painting]

Lori: Laney! I need your help!

Laney: Lori! You just ruined my painting! You even know how long it took me too... [Looks at the messed up painting] ...Huh. It actually looks a lot better. Nevermind. So what do you need, Lori?

Lori: I need your expertise of photos to help me make a selfie perfect enough to beat Carol Pingery! Just look at what she just posted! [Shows Laney Carol's selfie]

Laney: Umm, that's great and all but...

Lori: No! It's not great! That jerk has been one-upping me all my life! I can't take it anymore! The only way to get even with is to make selfie thats 100 times better than her!

Laney: That doesn't sound healthy. Have you tried talking to her?

Lori: No! I can't talk to Carol! She's my rival! She'll just rub it in my face how better she is than me! So are you going to help me or not?!

Laney: [sighs] You're lucky I like to help my siblings...

[Scene changes to the bathroom, where Lori is wearing her hair lower, and a little extra makeup. Laney was placing a candle and a vase full of flowers on the toilet]

Laney: There we go. So ask me again what's the point of this?

Lori: It's a mirror selfie, Laney. Literally a classic. [Lori stares at Laney] Well, scoot. I need some privacy! [Laney walks out of the bathroom]

[Lori prepares for the picture, when the tank lid on the toilet starts shaking, then Lana and Hops burst out drenching Lori in toilet water.]

Lana: And done.

Lori: [flabbergasted] Lana! What are you doing?!

Lana: Installing a dual flush valve.

Lori: Get out!

Lana: [Feeling unappreciated] I thought you of all people would appreciate the pressure assisted flush.

Lori: Out! [Lana and Hops leave as Laney enters the bathroom]

Laney: Oh, I forgot to mention that Lana's using the bathroom to modify the toilet. [Lori looks at her phone, and her 'toilet water' selfie. Laney snickered a bit but silenced when Lori glared at her]

Lori: Yeah, that's not gonna beat Carol. Delete.

[Scene changes to the backyard where Lori and Laney are preparing to take another selfie.]

Laney: I still think you should just try talking to Carol about how you feel, you know, before something else happens?

Lori: Nonsense, Laney. Besides the 'fun in the sun' selfie is always a crowd pleaser. Now, put that umbrella a little to the left. I want the shade to be perfect. [Laney sighs as she does so]

[Lori picks up her selfie stick and prepares to take a picture, then there is the sound of a baseball.]

Lynn: [offscreen] Loud takes a wicked cut! And...

[Ball lands in Lori's lemonade.]

Lori: [Yelps as the splash messes up her hair and eyeliner.] Dang it, Lynn!

[Lynn approaches Lori]

Lynn: I'm the one who should be cheesed. You just robbed me of a double.

Laney: She's trying to beat Carol Pingery. [Laney pulls out a towel and dries off Lori]

[Lori moves her chair closer to the house.]

Lori: Let's try this again.

Lily: [comes out the back door] Poo-poo.

Lori: I can't change you right now, Lily. Go ask Laney or someone else.

Lily: [angry] POO-POO! [Throws her diaper at her sister. Lori screams in horror and accidentally takes a 'diaper to the face' selfie.]

Laney: Lily! That wasn't very nice! [She picks up Lily] Now let's go put you on a new diaper. [Lori growls at her]

[Lori is then seen moving her chair to the side of the garage.]

Laney: Sorry, about that Lori. Lily's really serious about his diaper changes.

Lori: That's alright, Laney. Let's do this again.

[Tries to take another photo, only to to have dirt land on her face at the last second.]

Lori: Gah! Literally?! [Looks angrily at Lucy, who the scene widens to as she is digging a grave.]

Laney: Lucy, what are you doing?

Lucy: Sorry, but I've claimed this area for my cemetery.

Laney: Well, do you think you can dig somewhere else? We're trying to make a selfie.

Lucy: Sorry, but I already spent all morning finding the perfect spot.

[Lori groans in annoyance, steps over the grave Lucy dug, but falls into one next to it. Accidentally taking a 'falling into a grave' selfie.]

Laney: And what about that?

Lucy: That was my first attempt.

[Lori growls as the scene changes to her closing her bedroom door. As Laney helps sets up the next selfie by pushing her chair close to the window]

Laney: Lori, this is getting us nowhere! The way I see it, you're just trying to hide your frustrations of Carol Pingery behind petty competition. Have you even said anything to her your whole life?

Lori: Laney, please! Have you forgotten that she has literally tried to beat me my entire life?

Laney: Yes I know, but I think it's best if we stop all this and try to find closure on the problem. You know, talking about it and try to find a solution. It's all right here in this magazine. [Holds said magazine]

Lori: Just drop it Laney. Besides, my next selfie is a definite win.

Laney: And what selfie may I ask is this?

Lori: The 'lost in thought' selfie, mysterious, yet intriguing.

Laney: Oh, so that's why you wanted me to move the chair closer to this window. I thought you just wanted some air... to get some sense into you.

Lori: Quiet, Laney. [Prepares to take the photo, but an RC helicopter starts hovering outside her window. She growls and pops out the window] Lincoln, move your dumb toy! You're photo-bombing me!

Lincoln: [from the front lawn] Oops, sorry.

[Lincoln fiddles with the remote and the helicopter accidentally cuts off some of Lori's hair.]

Lori: [Looks at her head] Gah! My hair!

Laney: [Holds out a comb and a can of hairspray] I got it! [Laney was fixing Lori's hair]

Lori: It's not fair, I'm never going to be able to take a decent picture with my insane siblings everywhere.

Laney: I'm sorry, Lori. But there's no way you can get our siblings out of the way.

Lori: [Suddenly an idea dawns over her.] Or is there?...

[Scene changes to the backyard where Luan is unicycling on the fence, Lynn and Leni are playing baseball, Lucy is digging graves, Lisa is waiting to study Charles' feces, Lincoln is playing with his helicopter, while Lily is trying to take his remote, Luna is practicing her guitar, and Lola is chasing Lana in her car. Lori comes out the back door.]

Lori: Hey guys, who wants to help me rake leaves? We could really make the yard look nice.

[Lori's siblings stop what they're doing and give Lori blank stares. Lincoln's helicopter drops, and they all run inside telling Lori not.]

Laney: Now that was smart.

Lori: Do I know my siblings or what?

[Scene changes as Laney and Lori finish raking the leaves into a pile. Lori tosses the rake into the pile and sets up a tripod for her phone. Her phone rings and she declines, picks up some leaves and it rings again, she answers to what is revealed to be Bobby.]

Bobby: Hey, Babe.

Lori: Sorry, Boo-Boo Bear, our daily 4 o' clock phone chat will have to wait. I need to take the perfect 'leaf jumping' selfie.

Bobby: That's gonna be kinda hard babe, leaves don't jump.

Lori: Not the leaves Bobby, me.

Bobby: Oh, okay cool, yeah, well I just need someone to talk to you know I have that dentist appointment I told you about, and I'm kinda nervous.

Lori: Sorry Bobby, can we talk about this later? The light won't be this good forever. Love you, bye. [Hangs up]

Laney: You just hung up on Bobby? And it's only been two minutes! Ususally you talk to him for hours!

Lori: Laney! I'll just talk to him later! Right now I got to nail this selfie!

Laney: Is that selfie more important than talking to your "Boo Boo Bear"?

Lori: One: Yes. And two: only I get to call him "Boo Boo Bear". Now be a good sister and set up the camera. [Laney sighs and does so] Okay scarf draped, leaves piled, timer set, here we go. Wheee. [Jumps into the pile landing on the rake which hits her in the face.] Ow! [Camera goes off, Lori sees her 'rake to the face' selfie. She than moves to the tire swing.] Okay forget leaves. Let's do a good old fashioned 'tire swing' selfie. [Sits on the swing, which is revealed to be full of bees.] Gah! Bees! [Camera goes off, Lori sees her 'running from a swarm of bees' selfie. She than moves to the driveway wearing rain clothes.] Okay, forget tires. How about a 'rainy day' selfie. [Opens her umbrella and picks up the hose, which doesn't spray any water, much to Lori's frustration.] Where's my rain? [Yells as the hose sprays her in the face, and her camera takes a 'sprayed in the face' selfie, Lori then moves to the backyard with Mr. Grouse's tractor, sets up her camera while wearing a farmers outfit.] Forget rainy days, let's do a 'tractor' selfie. Those are a thing, [to Laney] right? [Laney shrugs. Takes the photo which turns out well.] Wow, it's actually, literally perfect, and I didn't hurt myself. [Stands up in triumph over not hurting herself, only to accidentally turn the tracor on in reverse, which gets stuck in one of Lucy's graves, launching Lori and Laney into the other one.]

[Scene changes to Lori laying on the couch covered in ice packs and bandages looking at her phone.]

Laney: [Dusts off the dirt off her hair] Ugh. Please tell me that's the last selfie.

Lori: Hold that thought! One-hundred likes, thank you, Chaz. One-hundred-and-one likes. Thank you, random person from golf camp and YES! One-hundred-and-two likes! Thank you, Aunt Ruth, and in your face, Carol Pingrey! [Stands up in triumph, but then drops to the floor in pain.] So sore.

Laney: Maybe we should just lay down for a while.

Lori: Good idea...

[Scene changes to the kitchen, where Leni is eating a sandwich, and looking at her phone. Lori walks in humming.]

Leni: Cute 'tractor' selfie Lori.

Lori: Thanks, Leni.

Leni: It got almost as many likes as Carol's.

[Lori gasps at this, dropping the milk carton she had been holding.]

Lori: Let me see that! [Lori grabs Leni's phone, and sees that Carol uploaded a tractor selfie with a dog in it. The 'sky flying' background from before returns.] That rat!

Leni: [from behind] I think it's a corgi.

[Background returns to normal.]

Lori: No, it's a dirty trick. Putting a cute, lovable, animal in her selfie to get more likes than me! Well guess what Carol. [Sky flying background] 'Cute, lovable, animals' are my middle name!

Leni: [from behind] I thought it was 'Marie'.

[Background returns to normal, and Lori pets the poor, innocent Leni. Scene changes to the front door where Charles, Walt, Cliff, and Geo are making a run for it, while Lori chases them, trying to make them put sweaters on.]

Lori: Get back here you animals! These tiny sweaters are literally the perfect size for you!

[Offscreen, Lori is heard screaming as her pets attack her. Her camera is heard going off. Lori lays down on the ground looking at her failed attempt at a selfie. Then Laney walks in]

Laney: What are you doing?

Lori: [smiles] Laney! My favorite little sister!

Laney: You want me help me with your selfies, don't you? [Lori nods; groans] I thought you were done with this!

Lori: I was until that rat Carol just posted a cute pets selfie. [Shows Laney the selfie] Look at it! How she's mocking me!

Laney: Lori! This is ridiculous! You shouldn't be concerned with stuff like this! She's not even trying to mock you! Here's what should happen instead: You, Carol, talk talk talking, closure! It's not that hard!

Lori: [Pats her sister's head] Poor, sweet, naive, little Laney. You don't know what it's like in the cutthroat world of social media. Every day, teenagers strive to rise up the popularity chain. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do. It's my dream to become the most popular teen in the network!

Laney: I thought your dream was to marry Bobby on the moon then riding off on a unicorn.

Lori: I can have two dreams, Laney. [Holds Laney's hands] Anyway, you have to help me achieve my dream of beating Carol Pingrey and come out on top! Then and only then, can I have closure on the whole thing! [Laney sighs]

Laney: You know I can't resist an inspiring speech. Even though it's ridiculous. Fine! But promise me that after this, you'll put this whole competing thing a rest!

Lori: I promise!

Laney: Okay! Let's see what we're dealing with. [Lori shows Laney her failed selfie] Oh... Uh, listen Lori, I can't really help you with this one. But I think I know someone who can...

[Cut to Lola and Lana's room, there's a knock at the door]

Lola: Come in. [Laney and Lori enter] Ah, Laney. My favorite client. How can I help you?

Lori: [To Laney] You've visited her before?

Laney: [To Lori] Yeah, she's a great photo retoucher. Helped me out when I needed help with my social media posts.

Lori: [To Laney] You?

Laney: [To Lori] Hey, a gal's gotta stay connected. Plus, she likes my cupcake recipe. [To Lola] Anyway, Lola, I'm not here for my post this time. I'm here with her. [Points to Lori]

Lola: Very well, show me the picture. [Lori shows Lola the photo and Lola looks at it with shock.] This is gonna cost you some serious cupcakes.

Laney: Say no more, Lola. I'll start baking. [Puts on an apron]

[Hits the edit button and changes Lori's 'angry pets' selfie to a 'happy pets' selfie. Later Lola is eating her cupcakes and Lori is looking at her phone.]

Lori: One-hundred-and-three likes. Take that Carol! And nice work, Lola.

Lola: [spits out crumbs] Thank you. Milk, please. [Laney hands Lola a glass of milk]

[Scene changes back to the kitchen, where Leni is still eating a sandwich and looking at her phone. Lori walks by towards the fridge.]

Leni: Cute 'pet' selfie Lori, it got almost as many likes as Carol's 'coffee shop' selfie.

[Lori gets a look of shock.]

Lori: [grabs Leni's phone] What! [Sees Carol's selfie, growls, Bobby calls her again, but Lori declines.] Not now Bobby, [sky flying background] I've got a crisis!

[Scene changes to the kitchen where Lori is decorating the place to look like a coffee shop, she walks up to Lincoln, who is wearing a button down shirt, a bow tie, and a beanie, she places a false mustache and glasses on him, then pulls out a pair of suspenders, much to Lincoln's shock.]

Lincoln: Look, I'll play a barista, but I am not wearing suspenders.

Lori: This has to look like a real coffee shop. Now do you want a ride to the comic book store later, or not? [Lincoln sighs and Lori goes over to Leni, Laney, and Luan, who are sitting at the table wearing berets.] Okay, so now you guys pretend to laugh at something I've just said.

Luan: Ooh, was it coffee related humor?

Lori: It doesn't matter, Luan.

Luan: Maybe you said this; 'Why'd the hipster burn his tongue?' He sipped his coffee before it was cool. [Laughs]

Laney: [Laughs] Hey, that's actually kinda funny.

[Later, Lori is laying on the couch looking at her 'coffee shop' selfie.]

Lori: Yes! One-hundred-and-five likes!

Laney: Now are you ready to have closure on this whole mess?

Lori: Yes. Yes. Whatever that is... [Notices her brother] Lincoln, you can take the suspenders off now.

Lincoln: Actually, they're kind of working for me.

[Back in the kitchen, Leni is still eating a sandwich and looking at her phone, Lori comes in slightly dispirited.]

Lori: Leni, please do not say that Carol outdid me with a selfie of her sailing, or icing a cake, or swimming with dolphins.

Leni: Nope, but she did get the most likes ever for her 'picnic' selfie. [Lori gasps at this, and looks at Leni's phone to see Carol's selfie.] Picnics are totes trending right now.

[Lori pulls out her phone and calls Bobby, who appears on a split screen, and is very excited to hear from Lori.]

Bobby: Babe, I'm so happy you called.

Lori: Boo-Boo Bear, we literally need to go on a picnic, right now. [Hyperventilates as Bobby speaks.]

Bobby: Right now? Babe, you know I love picnics, but we live three hours apart, I'm just about to get into my-

Lori: [Cutting Bobby off] Bobby! This is life or death! Meet me at the rest stop by exit 57 at four o'clock, sharp!

Bobby: [Nervous] Umm, I think I could make it there by five.

Lori: [Lets out an annoyed sigh] Fine! I guess picnics will still be trending then, but no later! And wear your red button-down if it's ironed, if not wear your teal polo, please do not mess up my color scheme!

[Hangs up, Bobby's split screen pans away revealing Leni's hair blown back, likely from Lori's yelling. In the living room, Laney was reading a magazine.]

Laney: [reads] " _If people do not have closure on their problems they will prematurely start to lose their hair_ "? Pfft! I know for a fact that's not true. These magazine guys will make anything up for a buck. [Lori rushes in and grabs Laney] Wha?

Lori: Laney! Come on! We got to go!

Laney: Woah woah! What's the big hurry!

Lori: I need your help with one last selfie! Me and Bobby on a romatic picnic!

Laney: What!? No way! besides didn't he say he had a dentist appointment?

Lori: Come on, Laney! Just one more selfie and I will finall beat Carol Pingery! And I can have closure! Just like you wanted...

Laney: [angry] NO! I am sick and tired of being your picture girl! All day you were so obsessed with beating Carol instead of talking to her like I constanly suggested!

Lori: [angry] I thought you liked helping me!

Laney: I helped because I thought you'd stop, but you didn't! And frankly, I don't see the gain trying to prove something to your rivals whlie forgetting what's really important in the process! I quit!

Lori: Fine! Have it your way! I'm going to become more popular than Carol with or without you! [Slams the door]

[Scene changes to the rest stop, Lori is driving up, parks Vanzilla, angrily steps out with her hair in curlers, takes the picnic stuff out of the back seat, and walk over to a spot to set up.]

Lori: [Exhales] This should do. [Throws the stuff down and growls] Where is Bobby? [Takes out the blanket, and yelps when it blows away in the wind, knocking the curlers out of Lori's hair, Lori chases after it and sees Bobby pull up.] Boo-Boo Bear. [Having caught the blanket, excitedly runs over to see Bobby.] You made it.

Bobby: [Comes out of the car, with swollen gums, and extremely groggy.] Aw, Babe. [Walks over to hug Lori, but instead plops over Lori's shoulder.]

Lori: [Worried, grabs Bobby's shoulders and shakes him.] What did you do to yourself?! [Drags Bobby over to their spot.] Good thing I brought scarves, [lays out the blanket] maybe we can hide the swelling, [puts the scarf on Bobby, and turns his head.] or I could just shoot you from behind?

Bobby: Babe, I got my wisdom teeth out, remember? I told you weeks ago.

Lori: [Realizing that] Oh my gosh, you did. [Drops down next to her boyfriend] Boo-Boo Bear, I'm so sorry, I've been so selfish, I can't believe you still drove all this way, [tearing up] especially after what you've been through.

Bobby: Babe, I would drive to the moon for you.

Lori: [Crying, hugs Bobby] Boo-Boo Bear, you know what? Forget about the dumb selfie, let's just make the most of our time together. [Later, Lori and Bobby are sitting at a picnic table, sharing a Flippee.] I can't believe I've been so obsessed with trying to beat Carol Pingrey. Laney was right, I really have forgotten about what's really important. Maybe Carol is better than me at everything but, who cares? I still have lots of great things in my life, like a really amazing boyfriend for starters. [Bobby tears up in happiness.] Aww, Boo-Boo Bear.

[Hugs Bobby, who groans in pain.]

Bobby: Ice chip, in tooth socket.

[Scene changes to The Royal Woods Mall.]

Lori: [To the cashier] Hi, I'd like to return all this picnic stuff. I don't need it anymore. [Looks towards the sound of a shopping cart, and gasps slightly when she sees Carol Pingrey.] Carol. [Carol tosses two plastic daisies into her cart and moves on with her shopping, Lori lets out a deep breath and runs after her.] Umm, Carol. [Carol gasps in shock of seeing Lori.]

Carol: [Nervously looks around] Uh! Uh. Hi Lori. [Awkwardly waves]

Lori: I know this is literally the most awkward thing in the world but, I just wanna tell you that, you win. [Carol's jaw drops] You've been better than me at everything since kindergarten but, I'm okay with it, I can't live my life trying to compete with you anymore. Well, enjoy your shopping.

[Lori starts to walk away, but Carol has something to say too.]

Carol: Lori, wait.[Lori stops and turns around] You think I'm better than you? [Pauses, and slightly sheepish] I kinda thought it was the other way around. [Lori is now confused] I mean, you made the varsity golf team when we were freshmen. No one else did that. And you have eleven siblings who all look up to you. And don't get me started on your hair; I will never have volume like that. [laughs, and picks up her own hair] This takes like, six cans of dry shampoo, and it's still flat.

Lori: [Amazed] Wow, so, all of our competing has literally been pointless?

Carol: It's true, those selfies were getting out of control. I had to adopt that corgi, and he's mean!

Lori: I fell into a grave. Twice!

[Both laugh]

Carol: We're ridiculous. I'm so glad we're done with all this.

Lori: Me too. Hey, I just had a crazy idea. What if we made it official by taking a selfie together?

Carol: Shut up! Looking like this?

Lori: [Bringing Carol closer and taking out her phone] Yeah! I mean, who cares, right?

[Carol takes her phone out, and they take the selfie. They both look at it uncertain, they then look at each other questioningly, and smile knowing that they're both thinking the same thing.]

Lori and Carol: Post.

[Later, Lori walks home and sees Laney in the living room.]

Laney: Hello, Lori. Did you finally make the perfect selfie?

Lori: As a matter of fact... [pulls out her phone] I did. [Shows Laney her best friends selfie with Carol]

Laney: Huh? How did that happen?

Lori: I talked to her.

Laney: You did?

Lori: Yeah. And turns out, I was wrong about her. She wasn't much of a jerk as I thought she was. She was just as jealous of me as I was of her. And that our rivalry was for nothing.

Laney: Wow. Who knew?

Lori: You did, Laney. I'm really sorry I blew up at you. You were right about everything. I should've just talked to Carol instead of wasting my whole life trying to one-up her. If it wasn't for you, my rivalry with her would've never ended. [Laney smiles]

Laney: You really mean it?

Lori: I literally mean it. I'm so lucky to have a sister like you. [Laney and Lori hug each other]

Laney: [sighs happily] Now this is what I call closure...

[Back in the kitchen, Leni is still eating a sandwich and looking at her phone, Lori and Laney come in.]

Leni: Cute pic of you and Carol, you guys got tons of likes.

Lori: Thanks Leni but, I don't even care about that anymore.

[Lori stops dead in her tracks when Leni says something else.]

Leni: Almost as many as Bianca and Sooyoung.

Laney: Say what now?

[Lori looks at Leni's phone and sees Bianca and Sooyoung's selfie, her phone rings and she answers.]

Lori: Hey, Carol. I just did. I know, they think they can beat us, with a 'BFF' selfie?! [Sky flying background] Oh, it is so on. [Normal background] Laney! Meet me and Carol in the park in five minutes with a cute dog, a scarf, and a picnic basket! We're doing this NOW! [dashes off]

Laney: [sighs; To the viewers] So much for closure... [iris out]


	90. Insta-Gran

**Insta-Gran**

[A car pulls up into the Loud House.]

Loud kids: [looking through the dining room window] They're here!

[They run to the door and Lincoln falls down by his sisters.]

Lincoln: [To the viewers] It's a big night at the Loud House. Pop-Pop's coming to dinner and he's bringing a very special guest!

[Doorbell rings, the sisters open it, and Lincoln steps up.]

Pop-Pop: Hey, family, I'd like you all to meet my main squeeze, [brings his said squeeze to the doorway] Myrtle.

Rita: Nice to meet you, Myrtle! Let me introduce everyone.

Myrtle: Oh, no need. Let's see if I have this right: Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Laney, Lincoln, Lucy, Lana, Lola, Lisa and Lily.

[Lily laughs, while her siblings are just stunned.]

Lynn Sr.: [Amazed] Wow, in birth order! That's impressive.

Myrtle: Well, what's impressive is raising such delightful children. Albert, can you take my coat?

[The family gives a thumbs up, Pop-Pop winks. Later, they're all eating at the dinner table.]

Myrtle: Lynn, your food is just heavenly!

Lynn Sr.: Oh, you're sweet to say that.

Myrtle: Not as sweet as this corn! [winks in Luan's direction]

Luan: [Laughs at the pun, but then becomes slightly despondent.] I can't have any, because I have braces.

Myrtle: Well, the world better brace itself for your pretty smile.

[She and Luan laughs.]

Myrtle: Oh, Lynn Jr., are those your trophies? Pop-Pop said you were named MVP on six different teams!

Lynn: Well, technically seven but they don't recognize air hockey yet.

Myrtle: And Laney. Albert told me how much of an artist you are.

Laney: Oh, it's nothing really. It's just a hobby.

Myrtle: A hobby you are so good at. Can I see some of your artwork?

Laney: Well, I have been working on a piece for Pop-Pop. [holds up an acryllic painting of Albert] I call it: "Golden Years".

Myrtle: Oh, that looks lovely. You manage to make your Pop-Pop even more handsome than before.

Albert: Aw, shucks Myrtle.

Laney: You really think it's good?

Myrtle: Good? Why, be the most talented artist in world. [Laney smiles]

Lisa: Has my paternal forebearer familiarized you with my achievements?

Myrtle: Oh, you bet. He told me all about your fecal research. Impressive stuff.

Lisa: Would you like to see some slides?

Rita: Maybe after dinner, sweetie.

[Later, in the living room Lincoln is showing Myrtle his Ace Savvy comic.]

Lincoln: So this is Ace Savvy, and here's his partner, One-Eyed Jack.

Myrtle: Card puns? How clever!

[Albert comes in the room, with Lynn Sr. and Rita.]

Pop-Pop: Sorry to break up the fun, but Myrtle and I should get going.

Loud Kids: Aww!

Myrtle: I'm sorry I didn't get to sample your mud pies, Lana.

Lana: It's OK, made you one for the road. [Gives them to Myrtle] Don't forget to heat before serving.

Myrtle: Thank you for everything. Oh, it was so wonderful meeting you all.

[Kids say goodbye.]

Lori: Come back soon.

Myrtle: [Laughs] I might just take you up on that.

Pop-Pop: Isn't she great? Good thing I stole her away from Seymour. [With a slightly hostile tone] That hound dog had his eye on her.

Myrtle: Yeah, his left one. Buh-bye!

[Parents laugh, and the siblings talk about how they loved Myrtle.]

Lisa: Myrtle, wait! My fecal slides!

[Trips on the stairs, dropping her fecal slides, much to the horror of her family, except for Lana, who was at the bottom of the stairs.]

Siblings and Parents: AAAH!

[Cuts to the outside of the house, where a loud crash is heard.]

[The next day, the siblings are coming home from school and are surprised to find Myrtle vacuuming the living room.]

Myrtle: Oh, hi fam! I found your hide-a-key!

Luna: [Confused] Uh, wasn't it under the thorn bushes?

Laney: Ouch.

Myrtle: Also, I found your bandages. [Shows her arms, which are very scratched up.] couldn't wait to get back over here and spend some more time with my 12 new grandkids. Speaking of which, surprise! I made these with my glue gun.

[Pulls out a homemade sweater.]

Lisa: [reading sweater] "Life is sweeter with a Gran-Gran"? Was your room well-ventilated when you worked with this glue?

Laney: Well, I like it. And I also like calling you Gran-Gran.

Myrtle: Aww, thank you Laney. Here! [Myrtle puts the sweater on the kids]

Laney: Umm... little itchy. But I like it. [Scratches herself]

Myrtle: Aw, you look so cute! Now come on, I have even more surprises!

[Lucy opens up her room, and sees that Myrtle colored it in her least favorite color.]

Lucy: [hisses] What have you done with my cobwebs?

Myrtle: Oh, sweetie. I tore them all down because they had spiders in them!

Lucy: Yes, Elijah, Amaria, and Little Jojo. May they rest in peace.

[Lays down on her bed.]

Laney: Um, Lucy doesn't really like pink.

Myrtle: Oh, Laney. Don't think I've forgotten about you. Look in your bunk. [Laney climbs up and sees a red blanket and frilly pillows and her pictures on the wall]

Laney: [gasps] Myrtle! Did you put all my paintings here?

Myrtle: Of course, Laney dear. You're pictures look so lovely I put it on your wall so you can see while you sleep.

Laney: Oh, that's so wonderful! [gasps] Is that cashmere?

Myrtle: I made it myself.

Lynn: Uh, where are my lucky jerseys? They should be in a big messy pile right here.

Myrtle: I took 'em to the dry cleaners. They got every last stain out.

Lynn: Oh, so everything that made them lucky.

Myrtle: Well, who needs luck when you have talent like yours?

[Later, Lisa is holding a conference call with some fellow scientists.]

Lisa: In conclusion, I have identified the necessary isotope for the- [Gets cut off by Myrtle.]

Myrtle: Oh, you're talking to your little science friends? Hi, I'm Lisa's Gran-Gran.

Lisa: Yes. We're in the middle of something important right now, perhaps you could excuse us?

Myrtle: Oh, you know what, you just do your thing like I'm not even here, and I'll just be tidying up!

Lisa: [growing nervous] I prefer you don't!

Myrtle: Ooh, these beakers are full of gunk!

Lisa: NO, WAIT! [explodes, crowd gasps]

[Later, Myrtle is giving Lincoln a haircut in the bathroom.]

Lincoln: I usually have a barber do this.

Myrtle: Well, why pay a stranger when you've got a Gran-Gran? There, [Lincoln comes out of the bathroom with a bowl cut, similar to Liam's.] You look so handsome!

Luan: That haircut really bowls me over.

[Later, in the twins' room.]

Myrtle: Spit shine! [Licks her thumbs, and 'cleans' the twins' faces.] Ah, there. No mud, no make-up, just sparkling faces that I could eat right now with some steak sauce. Om-nom-nom-nom.

[Once Myrtle leaves the room, Lola powder puffs herself, and Lana mud pies herself. Later, in the living room.]

Lori: Um, what happened to our episodes of "Nail Polish Wars"?

[Myrtle pops up behind them, Lori and Leni scream.]

Myrtle: Oh, I deleted those. Yeah, see, the language is just so negative.

[Leni and Lori facepalm. Later, Myrtle is in her car.]

Myrtle: Adios, grandbabies! See you real soon! [Drives away]

Lucy: That woman is a nightmare.

Lynn: No way I'm calling her Gran-Gran.

Lola: It gets worse! Look, she left her day planner.

[Everyone looks]

Lynn: [Gasps in shock] She's coming to all my games for the rest of the season?!

Laney: She's coming to my pottery class. How sweet.

Lisa: My conference in Sweden?! How did she get clearance?!

Lori: She's coming on my next date with Bobby?!

Lincoln: We have to do something. We can't live like this!

Luna: [Pulls out a ski mask] You especially can't, brah. [Lincoln puts the mask on.]

Laney: Come on, guys, don't be like that. Myrtle's just being like this because she loves us too much. I mean, just a few hours ago, she made me this picture of me and her. [Shows them the painting]

Lincoln: Laney! How can you stand all of this smothering? Myrtle gave me a bowl cut!

Laney: [giggles] That is very funny. But nontheless, we need to respect Pop pop's girlfriend. There's nothing we can do to change this.

Lola: Well, there is one thing we could do: Break them up.

[Siblings protest]

Lana: Lola!

Leni: That's terrible!

Luan: Is it though? I mean, Pop-Pop is such an awesome guy! Should he really settle for someone like Myrtle?

Laney: What!?

Lisa: She has a point.

Lori: Well, even if we wanted to do that, how would we?

Lincoln: I might have an idea. Remember when Pop-Pop said that Seymour had his eye on Myrtle?

Lana: Yeah, the left one.

Lincoln: Maybe that's our answer!

Laney: You're asking me to help you guys break up Pop Pop and Myrtle!? No way!

Lori: Come on, Laney. You've got to be tired of all of Myrtle's somthering by now.

Laney: I'm not! I'm really not! Unlike you guys I like Myrtle and I don't mind the smothering. And she makes the best cookies, too! And I won't let you stand in the way of grampa's new realtionship... [Zoom out to see that the rest of the siblings are gone] They're gone. Of course, they're gone. [sighs]

[Scene changes to Sunset Canyon Retirement Home, Luan walks up to the pool with a drink tray where Seymour is swimming.]

Luan: I made this whole pitcher of lemonade for my grandpa, but he's got acid reflux. What ever shall I do with it?

Seymour: Ooh! I'll take a glass!

Luan: Here you are, Mr. Seymour, sir!

Seymour: [Drinks the whole thing] Ooh, tart! [makes a face, Lana takes a photo and winks. Later, Lori is dressed up as an old lady in the dining room.]

Lori: [Old lady voice] Oh, my soup's literally too hot! How am I ever going to eat it?

Myrtle: Oh, let me help, dear. [Blows on soup, and Lucy takes a photo. Later, the siblings are in Vanzilla, on the computer, working on the photo.]

Lincoln: And now to make a love connection. [Places the photos of Seymour and Myrtle into a romantic background, and moves them closer until they appear to be kissing.] Bingo.

Leni: Um, Lincoln, Bingo's not 'till 4:00.

Luna: Rad job, dude. That's gonna make Pop-Pop way jealous!

Lola: I bet he breaks it off with her tonight.

[Meanwhile, at the front of the retirement home. Laney was sitting down on a bench. Laney sighs. Myrtle then walks up to her]

Myrtle: Oh, hello Laney. Didn't expect you here. You look a little down. Are you okay?

Laney: Uh. It's fine... [sighs] It's just that I don't think that the other siblings like you as much as I do.

Myrtle: Oh, don't say that, Laney. Of course they like me!

Laney: Well, not exactly. They think you're smothering them too much.

Myrtle: Oh, nonsense. Sure I might be a bit smothering sometimes but that's just because I love them.

Laney: That's what I told them! [groans]

Myrtle: Tell ya what, kiddo. How about you let go of those grumpies and come to my birthday party. Today's my birthday you know.

Laney: It is!? Dang it! And I didn't bring you a present!

Myrtle: Oh, it's okay sweetie. You can have a slice of my cake. [Holds out a cake]

Laney: Is that strawberry frosting?

Myrtle: That's the spirit! Now, let's go find your other sibs huh?

Laney: No need. They're parked over there. [Points to Vanzilla parked at the front]

Myrtle: Oh! How convenient. I bet they're planning a surprise for me right now.

Lincoln: [Prints the photo] OK, Lynn, you're up.

[Lincoln hands Lynn, who is wearing a ninja suit, the photo. She slips it into an envelope, and back flips her way to the retirement home, she later emerges from behind the ceiling tiles, slips down a rope, throws the envelope under the door, and retreats.]

Lana: [Impatient] Man, what's taking Lynn so long?

Lynn: [Pops up] Hai! [her siblings scream in surprise] Mission accomplished.

Lori: OK. Let's get out of here before anyone sees us.

[They all look towards someone tapping on the windshield.]

Myrtle: Too late! I see you!

Siblings (minus Laney): [In surprise] AAH!

Myrtle: [Brings out a cake] Oh, you angels came for my birthday party, didn't you?

[Siblings pretend that's why they came.]

[At the party.]

Myrtle: Well, here we are, Party Central! As soon as your Pop-Pop gets here, we can get this shindig started.

Laney: Not a lot of guests here, huh?

Myrtle: [Despondent] No. Not much.

Luan: [Sympathetically] What about your family?

Myrtle: Well, I don't really have any. I was an only child and somehow, I never got around to getting hitched. I was just too busy traveling and living my life. And to be honest, I never really missed having a family, until I met Pop-Pop and you guys, and, well, I know you're not my real family, but gosh darn, you all sure feel like it.

Lori: [Hastily] Um, Myrtle, can you excuse us for a second? We, um, all have to go to the bathroom.

Myrtle: [Winking] You take after your Pop-Pop.

Lola: [Aggravated] OK, what gives, Lori? I don't have to tinkle!

Lori: Don't you guys get it? This is why Myrtle's been smothering us so much. She never had a family of her own. She's probably just trying to make up for lost time! Yes, she can come on a little strong, but her heart's in the right place.

Laney: Well this feels like a "Laney Was Right" moment. Doesn't it?

[The other siblings agree]

Lynn: Sure does.

Lucy: I feel terrible.

Lana: Me too.

Luan: We should go apologize.

Lincoln: Uh, guys, we have a bigger problem. We put that photo under Pop-Pop's door.

Siblings: [Cuts to the outside as the siblings remember that.] Aah!

[Back inside, Lori debriefs everyone on the new plan, and Lynn is suddenly wearing her ninja suit again.]

Lori: OK, new plan. Twins, Laney, you distract Myrtle. Lynn and Lincoln, you get the photo back. The rest of us will find Pop-Pop and keep him away from his room. Break!

[Everyone except Lynn and Lincoln runs off.]

Lynn: Let's move out, Lincoln!

Lincoln: [Notices Lynn wearing her ninja suit.] Hey, when did you change into your ninja suit?

Lynn: [Slyly] What happened to your bowl cut?

Lincoln: Touché.

Lynn: Hai!

[Back flips away, Lincoln tries to do a front flip after her, but knocks over a table. Later, Lynn slides down her rope, Lincoln tries to do the same, but falls.]

Lincoln: Woah! Ooh.

Lynn: [Fiddles with the doorknob] Locked. Not a problem. I got this. [Holds up a walker] Hoa, [breaks the door open] Ah! [Gives the walker back to the lady leaning on a table.] Thanks, lady.

[They look in the room and find the photo is on the nightstand, ripped right down the middle.]

Lincoln: Oh no, he's already seen it!

Seymour: [Offscreen] Help! Someone call this maniac off!

[Lincoln and Lynn look at each other and gasp in horror. Scene changes to the pool where Seymour is running for his life, but Pop-Pop is chasing after him swinging a pool noodle.]

Pop-Pop: I knew you had your eye on my girl!

Seymour: That's not true. The left one's got a mind of it's own.

Pop-Pop: Pictures don't lie, Seymour! And now I'm gonna take it to ya!

Seymour: You're a crazy man!

Pop-Pop: [Swats Seymour into the pool] Ya!

Lincoln: [As he and Lynn run in] Pop-Pop, stop!

Pop-Pop: Stay out of this, kids! Mr. Kissy Face has it coming. [Body slams] Rah!

Seymour: Dang it.

[A big splash is seen from outside the window.]

Lincoln and Lynn: Pop-Pop! [Jump in the pool to stop him.]

Lincoln: Let him go!

Lynn: Let him go!

Lori: What is going on?

Lori, Luna, Laney ,Lana and Lola: [Sees what's going on] Pop-Pop!

Seymour: Call Sue! Call anybody!

Scoots: [Comes in from offscreen] Geezer fight! I got 50 bucks on Al.

Pop-Pop: [Has Seymour now] Ha!

Lincoln: Pop-Pop, no! The photo's fake!

Pop-Pop: [hears what Lincoln said] What?

Lana: It's true. We made it on our computer!

Pop-Pop: Why in the heck would you do something like that?

Lori: The truth is, we were trying to break you and Myrtle up.

Pop-Pop: Don't you like Myrtle?

Laney: I do. But they don't.

Luna: It's not like that. I think we just didn't understand her! [Laney nods]

Luan: She was smothering us like a pork chop. But we didn't realize it was because she never had a family!

[The rest of the siblings come in.]

Lana: We may take it for granted that we have a big family, but not everyone's so lucky!

Lincoln: We're really sorry for the way we acted. We hope you can forgive us.

Pop-Pop: Of course I can. I know Myrtle can be a bit much, but that's also what I love about her. She's a spitfire.

Scoots: Ugh, Bleh, this is gettin' too mushy for me. Scoots out! [Drives off]

Pop-Pop: Seymour, I think I owe you an apology too.

Seymour: Nah, don't worry about it, Al.

Lori: Don't we have a birthday party to get to?

Pop-Pop: You know it!

Seymour: Can I come too?

Pop-Pop: You're gonna have to, Seymour. I can't move my arms anymore!

All: [laughs]

[Back at the party.]

Siblings: Happy birthday, Gran-Gran!

Myrtle: [Touched] Did you hear that, Al? They called me Gran-Gran! Oh, thank you, everyone.

Lori: Thanks for the cake and the party, Gran-Gran, but we should probably get going.

Myrtle: Okay, then, I'll drop by tomorrow.

[The siblings look worried about that.]

Pop-Pop: Uh...how about Sunday instead? I got us tickets to the RV show tomorrow.

Myrtle: Oh!

Siblings: Bye, Gran-Gran! [They walk away]

Scoots: Seymour, quit eyein' my cake! You already had your piece!

Seymour: I can't help it, the left one's got a mind of its own!


	91. Fool Me Twice

**Fool Me Twice**

[A Bus stops in the middle of a street and Lincoln comes out, wearing a coat, a hat, and a glasses with a fake mustache, he then hides behind a dumpster, then in a tree, (which he accidentally falls out of) then he rides a scooter to a local highway.]

Lincoln: [Makes a bird call] Ca-ca! Ca-ca! [The Loud family sans Luan appears out of their hiding places in their diguises]

Lynn Sr.: [slowly and with an affected deep voice] What animal does Mary have?

Lincoln: [also with an affected voice] A lamb with the fleece as white as snow.

[The Loud Family, sans Lincoln, sighs in relief and they remove their disguises]

Lynn Sr.: Oh, good. It's really you, son. Are you sure Luan didn't follow you?

Lincoln: Definitely. I took 4 different buses. Plus, I've got Clyde doing some surveillance on her.

[At Sunset Canyon retirement home, Luan is entertaining the elders, with Clyde disguised an elder, monitoring Luan.]

Lynn Sr.: Great! Now let's get down to business. April Fools day is tomorrow, and we still don't have a plan to stop Luan from pranking our butts off! So, who's got an idea?

Lori: Oh, Bobby said we could hide in the basement of the bodega, we just have to watch out for the rat traps...and the asbestos.

Rita: [unimpressed] You're really selling it, honey.

Lincoln: There's an island off the southern tip of Guam. You can only get to it by submarine.

Lynn: [Imitates a buzzing sound] We don't have passports, Stinkin'!

Lisa: Pending some grant money, I could build a ship that could take us to Europa, one of Jupiter's moons.

Lana: Or we can dig a system of tunnels under the house.

Leni: Why don't we just ask Luan to stop, but like, REALLY nicely?

Laney: Guys! You're missing the point! For far too long we let Luan make us her pranking targets! I'd say we prank her back!

Lori: Laney! You're literally forgetting the last time we did that Luan just picked herself back up and vowed revenge!

Laney: I know but maybe it will be different this time. I've been doing some planning since last year. [Holds up some blueprints] Okay, so the boxing gloves will go here then the raccoons will burst out through the bathtub then we...

Lynn Sr.: Laney, please. Nothing we'll do will ever stop Luan. Maybe it's hopeless!

[A movie producer appears]

Producer: Excuse me, do you folks mind? We're trying to shoot a movie here.

[The family walk away]

Lola: Yeah guys! Outta the shot! [Lola poses] Okay, I'm ready for my close up!

Producer: Sorry, little girl, you need to get outta the shot, too. We're filming a dangerous stunt.

Lola: [Scoffs] Your loss!

[She walks away as well]

Director: And...ACTION!

[A man in a red suit and matching motorcycle come crashing through a boarded window on a high speed chase, and leaps over an area full of police cars with an explosion following suite. He crash lands to the ground.]

Director: CUT!

[The man recovers from the crash, and removes his helmet. His appearance is similar to Lynn Sr.'s.]

Lynn: Man, that guy can really take a beating!

Leni: He looks just like Dad!

Lynn Sr.: Too bad I can't just hire him to take all of Luan's pranks for me.

[Everyone stares at Lynn Sr.]

Lynn Sr.: I wasn't being serious.

Lincoln: But Dad, maybe that's the perfect plan! We hire a bunch of stunt doubles to take all the hits for us, and we get off pain free.

Laney: But Lincoln. What about our doubles? We don't really want them to suffer Luan's terrible pranks.

Lincoln: It'll be fine, Laney. Besides, you haven't done a pretty good job stopping Luan. This plan is our only shot.

[The family talks it over and agrees to the plan. Cut to the Louds in a casting studio]

Leni: Wow, these doubles look just like us!

Rita: No, honey. Those are the doubles. [Points towards the actual stunt doubles]

Leni: Oh, well, they're good too.

Lynn Sr.: So, uh, what's this gonna cost me?

[Lynn Sr.'s stunt double hands him the bill]

Lynn Sr.: [Gasps] Is this in dollars?!

Lincoln: I don't understand. Why is my double old?

Lynn Sr's stunt double: You're 11 and you have white hair. I did the best I could.

Lincoln's stunt double: I came out of retirement for this gig. These days, I mostly just sit around reading in my underwear.

Lincoln: Never mind, he's perfect.

Lynn Sr.: Okay, famo. Now that everyone's got a double, it's time to teach them how to look and act just like us. We gotta work fast! Luan gets home at 5, and if she finds the house empty... [Looks at his double] Are you picking up on this? I talk with my hands. Big hand talker right here.

[Later, the Loud Family are teaching the doubles what to do and how to act like them]

Lana: Really get that mud up in your face. Don't be afraid to eat a little.

Lisa: Now in addition to English, I speak Mandarin, Latin, Swedish, and West Cost Rap.

Rita: So, this is the novel I'm working on. In case Luan asks you about it, you probably read the whole thing tonight.

Laney: [Shows her double her paintings] Okay, so here's all my paintings as you can tell I am a great artist.

Laney's Stunt Double: What's with that painting? [Points to a painting of Joey]

Laney: Oh, that.. You see I might have a crush on a boy. He's kinda like my inspiration.

Laney's Stunt Double: Well can't you tell me? Since I'm trying to be you and all?

Laney: Oh, well. Alright...

Leni: Okay, so let's see the walk.

[Leni's stunt double attempts to imitate Leni's walking motion]

Leni: Almost, but you forgot part of it.

[Leni walks and crashes into the wall; Leni's double repeats this]

Lincoln: First thing in the morning, I usually rush to the bathroom to beat the crowd.

Lincoln's double: Oh, same here! There're some pushy blue hairs at the senior center!

Lincoln: Then, before school, I'll sometimes stop for a Flipee. Watermelon Lime's my favorite.

Lincoln's double: It's my favorite flavor of gelatin!

Lynn Sr.: [Narrating] Okay gang, here's the plan, at Midnight, we sneak out of the house, and switch places with the doubles. They'll take it from there.[Rita and Lynn Sr. go to wake up the kids. When they go to wake up Luna, Lynn steps in to help.]

Lynn: I've got this! [Makes a paper airplane, and throws it at Luna.]

[The Louds sneak outside to switch places with the doubles]

Lynn Sr.: Good luck to you guys! Are you sure you're ready?

Lynn Sr.'s double: Don't worry about us, we're gonna be A-Okay.

[Morning. Inside the garage, the Louds peek out the garage, Lynn Sr. is making pancakes, Lily is sitting in her high chair, and Lisa is looking over a giant monitor.]

Lisa: Family, gather 'round. [the family walks up to the monitor] We can follow the action via the cameras I installed in everyone's room last year...[the family look at Lisa with suspicion, and Lisa attempts to correct her blurt.] Er... last night. [notices something] Oh! We have movement in the twin's room!

[Lisa hits a button labeled "CAM 8", and the monitor shows Lana and Lola's stunt doubles about to leave the bedroom.]

Lana and Lola: Here it comes!

[Lana and Lola's stunt doubles exit the room, but mysteriously, nothing happens.]

Lana: Huh. I thought for sure Luan was going to nail them with a bucket of grease.

Lola: Or a sock full of quarters!

Lisa: Old Lincoln is on the move... slowly.

[Lisa switches the monitor to showcase Lincoln's room. Lincoln's stunt double sits up, cracking his back.]

Lincoln: Oh, man, I can't watch. What's happening? Did he get injured?

[Lincoln's stunt double walks out of the room, and still, nothing happens.]

Rita: Well, he did hurt his back, but it seems unrelated.

Luna: [suspicious] What's the dealio? Why aren't they getting pranked?

Lucy: Any why are they leaving the house?

[On the monitor, each one of the stunt doubles is seen leaving the house. Realizing something, the family gasps, and quickly rush to the garage door, and peek out the windows, seeing the doubles head off in different directions.]

Lynn Sr.: [peeved] What the heck?! I paid good money for them to get their butts pranked off!

[Rita has a sudden realization.]

Rita: Wait a minute, I get it. Luan's prank was to not prank us at all.

Lincoln: What do you mean, Mom?

Rita: Ha! She knew we'd go crazy trying to protect ourselves, so she just let us chase our tails.

Lori: Oh, you're right. She is good.

[The family laughs, realizing the trouble they went through.]

Lynn Sr.: Well, I may have burned through all our savings, but at least it's over!

Luan: [off-screen] Over? It's just getting started! [the family turns around, and scream in horror when they see Luan on the monitor, looking on devilishly.] You know, family, I had a whole different plan in mind for today, but I'll save that for next year, because once I saw the amazing doubles you guys found, I was inspired to do something even better. So stay tuned, because the rest of this day is going to be doubly special! [laughs evilly.] Get it? You don't now, but you will.

[The monitor shuts off.]

Lucy: [worried] What is she talking about?

Lynn: [panicking] Ah! Ah! Ah! We gotta stop her! [she tries to open the door, but it won't budge.] She welded the door shut!

[Lincoln and Lana try the windows, but they too won't budge.]

Lana: And the windows!

Lori: I'll try the garage door. Who's got the remote?

Leni: [peeking out the garage window] Oh, Luan does, she's outside!

[The family rush to the garage door, and peek out the windows. They scream in horror upon seeing Luan with the garage remote. Luan, on her jester's chair, turns around, revealing to have Cliff on her lap.]

Luan: Don't look at me, look at the monitors! I put cameras everywhere so you can enjoy the show. Ta-ta! [Luan tries to roll away but she gets stuck] What the? [The chair won't budge] Well, this is embarassing...

Laney's Stunt Double(?): So is this! [Laney throws a pie at Luan's face]

Lynn Sr.: What is Laney's stunt double doing?

Luan: You? But I thought I sent you to Joey's house! [Luan gets off but she slips on a banana peel and down the garage road just as a truck full of trampolines passed by. She bounced off one and landed by the front door] Grr! [Stands up] Listen you! The family may have payed you, but I gave you instructions to go over and humiliate Laney and...

[A trap rope snags Luan's leg and flies her inside the house. She first crashed into the stove where she was mauled by raccoons, then a punching glove punched Luan into the basement and she landed on a bunch of pies. Then the rope pulled her back upstairs and into the living room where she got stuck on sticky flypaper. Then she was pulled upstairs where she got pelted with flour and dust from the vaccum and sprayed by a skunk. The family laughed as they witnessed this through Lisa's security cameras as Luan was being pelted by other pranks offscreen. She landed back on her chair completely bruised, gooped, tattered, and shocked. Laney's stunt double (?) grabbed the remote and opened the garage door. The family cheered.]

Lincoln: That was amazing. I can't believe Laney's double was such pranking genius.

Lynn Sr.: How can we ever thank you stranger that looks like our daughter.

Laney's Stunt Double (?): No thanks needed, dad.

Lynn Sr.: Uh, okay, you can stop pretending now.

Laney: Who's pretending? [Laney wipes off the freckles revealing it was the real her. The Loud family gasped]

Siblings: Laney? [Laney passed the tissue to her double and wipes off the paint revealing her freckles]

Lola: But how the heck did pulled it off? You were supposed to swap with your stunt double like the rest of us!

Laney: Simple... [Flashback to last night; voice over] Just as we all left with our stunt doubles in our places. I got a call from my double saying she overheard Luan's plans for april fools. She was going to use our stunt doubles to humiliate us. And that wasn't a joke at all, more like incredibly cruel and horrible. [Cut to Laney placing traps all over the house.] That's when I got to work on my ultimate plan to prank Luan back a thousand fold... [Cut to Laney shaking with her double and they walked away separately] And then I undid my switcheroo. [End flashback] And I did it! I finally gave Luan a taste of her own medicine! [To Luan] How does it feel, Luan? To be painfully messed and humiliated for amusement? Not good huh?

Luan: I have to admit it, Laney. You've really got into this pranking game. I didn't even know you had it in you.

Laney: Well, I did. And what I did taught you lesson. That your April Fools pranks are insane and harmful, even to your own family. And when you tried to humiliate my family, that was a step too far! I did this to you to show how much you April Fools day rampages hurt each and everyone of us! To make sure that you never go this far to prank us ever again!

Luan: Wow. I never really thought of that. Guys, I didn't mean to harm you all. I mean it's April Fools! My favorite holiday. Well, I might of gone a bit to far.

Lori: A bit!? You litterally took off my eyebrows! Twice!

Luan: Yeah. Look guys, I'm sorry of all I've done to you. I promise to tone it down next year. [The Loud Family chatters in relief]

Lincoln: But wait. What about the rest of the doubles.

Laney: Oh I don't think you don't need to worry about them. I called them all and rerouted their destinations. They're now taking all of your places for the day. But, hopefully you've learned your lesson, Luan.

Luan: Oh, I did. I will never go overboard with April Fools pranks again. [Everyone smiled] Now let's all go back inside. We all got a lot of cleaning to do. [The famliy all went inside leaving Luan the only one outside. Revealing that she had her fingers crossed the whole time; to the viewers] APRIL FOOLS! You thought I was going to just give uo my favorite holiday? What kind of fool do you take me for? [laughs] Get it?

* * *

 **NOTE: You guys had to understand why I had to remix this episode. Because when I saw Luan humiliating her family on that episode, it shocked me. It was badder then the time Lincoln humiliated his sisters back in season 1. Now I'm not sure if there will be another April Fools day episode in the future. But I'll be sure to change the ending as soon as I find out.**


	92. Relative Chaos

**This episode revision was requested by my friend NashWalker. Believe me. He wouldn't stop begging me to do this. Luckily for him I was feeling extra inspired tonight! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Relative Chaos**

[Episode begins with Vanzilla driving away.]

Lincoln: Can't I just stay in the car?

Lori: No. You are saying goodbye to your girlfriend in person!

Lincoln: For the millionth time, Ronnie Anne is not my girlfriend!

Laney: Don't worry about it, Lincoln. I'm only coming for moral support. Besides, you know how she gets when It comes to long goodbyes.

Lincoln: What long goodbye? They're only going away for the weekend.

Lori: [sobbing] It might as well be forever. I don't know what I'll do without my Bobby Boo-Boo Bear! [takes her hands off the wheel and covers her face.]

Lincoln: [grabs hold of the wheel and steers.] Lori! Get it together, woman!

[The Santiago's residence. Lori and Bobby are holding each other while crying]

Bobby: Here, babe. This is for you. [takes out a hoodie with a cat dressed as a businessman.] I wore it all week under my uniform.

[A cat's meow sound is played.]

Lori: Ah, Boo-Boo Bear. [embraces it] It smells like love. And corndogs.

[As they cry again, Lincoln, Laney, and Ronnie Anne are watching them, having gotten tired of it.]

Ronnie Anne: [looks at her watch] Ugh. It's been 20 minutes. I'm calling it.

[Lincoln and Laney nod in agreement and the two of them go up to their older siblings and try to pull them away, which proves to be a task with them holding each other tightly.]

Laney: You excited to meet your grandparents, Ronnie Anne?

Ronnie Anne: [to Laney while prying Bobby] Yeah. And my aunt and uncle, and their four kids. It's crazy. You guys would like it.

Lincoln: How are you gonna deal with it?

Ronnie Anne: It's only two days, then everything's back to normal.

Lori: [wailing] TWO DAYS!

Lori: [devastated] BOBBY!

Bobby: [dejected] LORI!

Lori: I'LL THINK OF YOU EVERY MINUTE!

Bobby: EVERY SECOND!

Laney: This is getting annoying! [Laney holds up a coatrack an uses it as a battering ram] CHAAAAARGE! [Laney rams into Lori out the door nd the oldest Loud girl runs back to Vanzilla crying while Bobby looks out the window downtrodden.]

Lincoln: Well, have a nice trip.

Ronnie Anne: [punches Lincoln's shoulder playfully] Smell you later, Lame-o.

Lincoln: [chuckles] Not if I smell you first. [leaves]

Laney: Call me anytime, okay?

Ronnie Anne: I will, Lanes.

[Ronnie Anne waves as she closes the door. Timeskip back at the Loud house, Laney was comforting Lori, who was wearing the hoodie Bobby gave her]

Laney: Lori, you're being too ridiculous here. You do know he never broke up with you, right?

Lori: [sniffs] Yeah.. I know... I just can't handle the thought of being away from Bobby.

Laney: Away from Bobby? You constantly talk and text to him all the time on the phone. No matter how far you are from him you'll never be apart from him.

Lori: Huh. I guess you're right. My Boo Boo Bear would never want to be away from me. Besides, he'll only be with his grandparents for two days, it's not like he's staying there forever... [Just then, Lincoln comes down the stairs holding a laptop with Ronnie Anne's video chat window] Hey, Ronnie Anne. What's up?

[Cut to outside the Loud House after she hears the unfortunate news.]

Lori: [furious] **YOU'RE WHAT?!** [starts driving all the way to the Casagrande's] I don't know what Bobby's thinking, but I am gonna tell him what he should be thinking!

[Lincoln and Laney are with her.]

Laney: Uh, do you think maybe you could slow down a bit?

Lori: NO!

Lincoln: I still don't get why I have to come along.

Lori: [rioting] BECAUSE RONNIE ANNE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

Lincoln: She is not my girlfriend!

Lori: Lincoln, we are literally crossing a bridge. Do you really want to get into an argument WITH ME RIGHT NOW?! [makes an intimidating face to her brother and sister.]

[Lincoln realizes just how furious his oldest sister is and just stops.]

[Back at the Casagrande's, Rosa is finishing up the cake and everyone else except Ronnie Anne is getting ready. She hears Lincoln, Laney, and Lori drive up and is happy to see them.]

Ronnie Anne: [acting] Oh, I wonder who that could be. I'll just let them in.

[She presses the buzzer, hears Lincoln, Laney, and Lori knock, and lets them in, however, they seem slightly torn up.]

Lincoln: [coming in] Did you guys know there's a vicious gang of cats trying to get in here?

[Lalo whimpers in fear.]

Laney: Wow. A dog afraid of cats? Now I've seen everything.

[Carl notices Lori and Laney and pretends to have done a lot of one-armed push-ups.]

Carl: [feigning] Five thousand- [sees Lori and Laney] Oh. How embarrassing. I didn't see you guys walk in.

Ronnie Anne: [ignoring Carl] Anyway, this is Lori, Bobby's girlfriend. [hearing that last part upsets Carl] This is Lincoln. And this his sister, Laney.

Laney: You must be Ronnie Anne's parents. So nice to meet you all.

Carl: Plesure's all mine, seniorita. [Kisses Laney's hand. Laney feels disturbed]

Frida: [excited] Your boyfriend! [takes a photo of them]

[Lincoln and Ronnie Anne speak in unison while nervously sweating.]

Lincoln: No, I'm not!

Ronnie Anne: No, he's not! [introducing the Casagrande's to the Loud's] This is my mom's brother, Carlos, his wife, Frida, their kids Carlota, CJ, Carl, and Carlitos, and my grandma and grandpa. Anyway, Lori, you must really miss Bobby. He's in the bodega. Let's go. [takes Lori to the bodega, leaving Lincoln with the rest of the family.]

Rosa: Lincoln, after such a long drive, you must be famished.

Lincoln: I could eat.

Laney: Why not?

[In the bodega, Bobby is labeling the items prices with a pricing gun, with his face covered in price tags. Enter his sister and girlfriend.]

Ronnie Anne: Bobby, look! It's your beautiful, devoted girlfriend. She came all this way to see you. [leaves the two of them alone.]

Bobby: Wow, babe, this is the best day ever. First, I get a sticker gun, and now you're here?

Lori: [serious tone] Bobby, what is all this about you moving away?

Bobby: I know it may seem like a shock, but don't worry. I have everything figured out. My grandpa said I could work in the bodega with him, and this place is really rad. Let me show you around. You're gonna love where I put the milk. [takes her]

Lori: [stammering over his talking.] But-but-but... [gets pulled into the tour.]

[Lori now has price tags on her face.]

Ronnie Anne: What do you mean you didn't convince him?

Lori: He talked about the bodega for 40 minutes until the beef jerky guy showed up, and at that point, I had literally reached my limit.

Ronnie Anne: [sighs and ponders] We need to do something to get Bobby's attention. [Remembers something; gasps] I know! [grabs and pulls Lori's arm.]

[Lincoln and Laney had just finished Rosa's food and are feeling bloated.]

Lincoln: [pats his belly and groans nauseously.] I think I ate too much.

Laney: I haven't eaten this much since the Burpin' Burger contest last year...

[Enter CJ acting like a pirate.]

CJ: Hey, Lincoln, wanna play Pirates?

Lincoln: Aw, I'd love to play Pirates, CJ, but I have a stomachache.

Rosa: I can take care of that. [licks her finger and puts it in Lincoln's bellybutton.]

Lincoln: What are you- [suddenly feels better] Oh. [to CJ] Let's do this! [starts playing with CJ] En garde!

Rosa: [To Laney] Now you.

Laney: Uh, no thanks I... [Rosa licks her finger and puts it in Laney bellybutton.] Ugh.. Uh.. Actually that feels a lot better. Thanks you, Rosa.

Rosa: No problema, mija. [Ronnie Anne comes back and grabs Carlota and takes her to Lori. Laney noticing this]

Laney: Hm?

Ronnie Anne: I need you to do a makeover.

Carlota: [cheers] Finally! We'll start by throwing out all of these clothes. [tugs on her cousin's clothes] I usually donate, but nobody is gonna want these.

Ronnie Anne: Not me, her! [referring to Lori]

[Lori waves to Carlota.]

Carlota: Oh. See, I didn't mean that. You have just a really...unique look. It's sorta rugged, yet-

Ronnie Anne: [irritated and fed up] Dude, move on.

Laney: [Enters] What are we taking about?

Ronnie Anne: We're giving Lori a makeover so she can impress Bobby into moving back home.

Laney: Ooh, makeovers? Mind if I help? I've been meaning to brush up on my hairstyling skills.

Carlota: Yeah, I'm sorry. But they asked for me personally so If you and your scarf can just move it along.

Ronnie Anne: No, Carlota. She can help. I actually seen her make great fashion styles.

Laney: It helps when you have two fashion crazy sisters. Leni and Lola have given me a lot of pointers. I even took pictures. [Shows Carlota her pictures]

Carlota: Wow! These are good! Okay, you're in. But you answer to me!

Laney: That's the same thing Lola said to me.

[In the bodega, while Bobby is stocking some of the fruit, Carl takes a peanut out of his pocket and hits Bobby with it. Bobby turns and Carl whistles casually. As Bobby walks off, Lori comes in with an all new look, which catches Carl's eye.]

Carl [infatuated on a stool] Va-va-voom! Bonita chiquita! Forget about Bobby. You're too beautiful for him. You're a ten! He's a four.

Lori: You're very cute, but I really need to talk to Bobby.

Carl: Ah, playing hard to get? Challenge accepted. You will be the gazelle, and I will be the puma. [roars playfully and then trips over the store, knocking over the flour and covering Lori in it.]

Bobby: Whoa, babe! Are you okay? [notices the mess] Uh...I'm gonna have to charge you for that flour.

[Lori looks annoyed by that. Scene cuts back the living room]

Laney: I don't see why you're so desperate to move back to Royal Woods. I mean, you're grandparents are so happy to have you live here.

Ronnie Anne: You don't understand, Laney! Everyday in this house is constant challenge! I can't sleep anywhere without being woken up by the sound of a speeding train or yowling cats! And it's always crowded wether I watch TV or go to the bathroom! Do you even know what It's like to share a small building with a big family?

Laney: You do know you're talking to a Loud sibling, right?

Ronnie Anne: Ugh! [pounds her fist on the table.] We need a new plan, and fast.]

Lori: But what?

[A promo for the Dram Boat finale comes on.]

Announcer: Tune in tonight for the finale of the Dream Boat. Can Bryant keep hope afloat with his one-on-one dinghy date with Karen? Or will it be man overboard?

Sergio: [squawks] Dinghy date!

[This gives Lori and Ronnie Anne an idea.]

[On the rooftop, Lori, dressed in a sailor get-up, brings a blindfolded Bobby up and he takes the blindfold off.]

Lori: Ta-da! [shows him a replica of the dinghy date.] A one-on-one dinghy date. Sort of.

Bobby: Wow. Just like the Dream Boat. It's so romantic, babe.

Lori: I know. Because we're so romantic. I mean, we literally have such a great connection. Don't you think?

Bobby: Totally. And I was gonna tell you-

Delivery Guy: HELP!

[Bobby sees that the delivery guy's cargo is being attacked by the cat gang.]

Delivery Guy: Ay, my mangoes!

Bobby: My mango guy's in trouble! I'm sorry, babe. Bodega business calls.

[He leaves and Lori sighs with disappointment.]

[Ronnie Anne and Lori sneak into her grandparents' room.]

Ronnie Anne: You keep an eye out for my grandma. [checks under the bed and finds a case.]

Laney: Why are we looking through your grandma's case?

Ronnie Anne: She's got cures and potions for everything.

Laney: Cures and potions?

Ronnie Anne: Yeah, she always making stuff like this because it's all magic.

Laney: Magic? This stuff really is magic? The only thing I got close to magic potions is all the chemicals Lisa always mixes back home. And they have some pretty crazy results...

Ronnie Anne: How crazy?

Laney: One time Lisa made me taste test one of her serums and it made my butt grew the size of a bookcase!

Ronnie Anne: Woah!

Laney: I know! It was embarrassing! I was grateful no one else saw.

Ronnie Anne: Well you don't need to worry about these. I'm pretty sure they don't have any weird side effects. [Roots through the chest] There must be something for clueless boyfriends. Hmm. [holds up a bottle in a heart-shaped vale.] This looks interesting.

[Later, they have a cookie with Bobby's name on it and Ronnie Anne dabs the love potion on it with a heart-shaped smoke cloud coming out.]

Ronnie Anne: Remember, it's very important that you're the first person Bobby sees after he eats this.

Lori: Got it.

[Outside the bodega, Lori goes to Bobby who is sweeping the area, sneaks up behind him and gives the OK to Ronnie Anne.]

Lori: [feigning casualty] Hi, Boo-Boo Bear. I thought you might be hungry. I baked you a cookie.

Bobby: Oh, chocolate chip! Score!

[Enter another customer]

Vito: Uh, excuse me. Can you tell me where you put the milk? [smiles with his teeth giving off a gleam.]

Laney: [Blinded] Ah! I haven't seen teeth this shiny since the Yates' moved in!

Bobby: You must be Vito.

Vito: How did you know?

Bobby: Uh, just a lucky guess. [to Lori] One sec, babe. I gotta help this customer. [goes to help Vito]

[Both Lori and Ronnie Anne groan in complete frustration and Sergio comes flying out the window and snatches the cookie]

Laney: No! Sergio! Don't eat that! [Segio eats the cookie and sees Bobby] And he ate it...

Bobby: Alright, Mr. Filliponio, have a great rest of your day.

[Vito leaves with a big smile on his face. Bobby turns and sees Sergio eyeing him romantically.]

Sergio: [under the power of the love cookie; squawks passionately.] Who's the hunk? Hubba, hubba!

[Bobby doesn't like the sound of that and runs away with Sergio in hot pursuit.]

Laney: Well, on the bright side, at least we know the potion works...

[Lori is dragging Lincoln and Laney by their arms]

Lincoln: We're leaving? But Mrs. Casagrande's baking a cake.

Lori: [heartbroken] Lincoln, I literally just lost my boyfriend. [angrily] Do you really wanna argue with me right now?

Laney: Lori. I'm sure you didn't lose him...

Lori: [Heartbroken] YES I DID!

[Enter Bobby covered in feathers thanks to Sergio.]

Bobby: Babe, where are you going?

Lori: [furious] What do you care? Why don't you just go back to your precious bodega? You obviously care about it more than you care about me! [starts sobbing]

Lincoln: I'm just gonna go help Mrs. Casagrande with the frosting. [chuckles and rushes back into the apartment.]

Laney: Yeah, I'm gonna go help too... [Runs back into the apartment as well]

Ronnie Anne: Lincoln, Laney, what's happening out there?

Lincoln: I don't know. But it was too much drama for me.

Ronnie Anne: [notices something] Wait a minute. They're hugging, and Lori's smiling. She must have finally convinced him! Yes!

[Lori comes back in and Ronnie Anne comes running up to her.]

Ronnie Anne: Thank you, thank you, thank you! [hugs Lori] I knew we could do this! I'll go pack up my stuff.

Lori: [sheepishly] Uh, actually...

Ronnie Anne: [not happy] What?

Lori: I know I came here to convince Bobby not to move, but after talking to him, I think he should stay.

Ronnie Anne: [aghast] After he totally forgot about you?

Lori: But he didn't. He's actually been thinking really hard about how we can make this work. We'll only be apart for a year, and then we can both go to the college here where your Uncle Carlos teaches.

Lanye: See? I told you he'd never forget about you. No matter how far apart you two are.

Lori: You got that right.

Ronnie Anne: Well, that's great for you guys, but what about me? Lincoln, come on, help me out here.

Lincoln: [licking the leftover frosting on the whisk.] I don't know, Ronnie Anne. I think your family's pretty awesome. [licks the frosting again] I mean, who can make a cake like this?

Ronnie Anne: [smacks the whisk out of Lincoln's hand.] UGH! [stomps away]

Laney: [sighs] Too bad Ronnie Anne can't be as happy as we are about all this. I mean, she's got it totally made. Her grandma cooks so much food, loving family. All she needs now is her own room and she's complete...

[Someone taps Laney's shoulder and the three Loud siblings turn around to see the remaining Casagrande family, minus Maria, who smile at them]

[Later that night, Ronnie Anne is sitting outside on the steps upset that nothing worked.]

Maria: [comes outside] Are you okay, honey? Lincoln said you were out here.

Ronnie Anne: Mom, I don't wanna move. I like my life back home. I have my own room. I can do my own thing. Here, I can't even go to the bathroom without an audience.

Maria: I know it would be an adjustment, but think how nice it would be to be part of a big family, and they all love you so much.

Ronnie Anne: I love them, too. I just... [makes big pleading eyes]

Maria: Honey, I would never make you move if you didn't want to. I really wanted this to feel like home for you, but if it doesn't, it doesn't. Why don't you pack up while I break the news?

Ronnie Anne: Thanks for understanding, mom.

[They hug and step back into the building, but they forgot to close the door with a note attached to it.]

 **DON'T FORGET TO LOCK THE DOOR!**

[At that moment, the cat gang sees this as an opportunity. Ronnie Anne runs to the closet to get her things, but to her surprise, it's been converted into her own room, just like Lincoln's.]

Carlos: So, what do you think?

[Frida takes a photo of Ronnie Anne in her new room.]

Ronnie Anne: What is this?

Carlos: Well, we thought you might need a space of your own.

Carl: [referring to the skateboards and skateboarding posters.] I put those up. And if you ever wanna go skating, I have been known to shred like a boss.

Carlota: And I picked out some hoodies for you. We'll work our way up to dresses.

Hector: And I stocked the fridge with those ice pops you like. [shows her a mini-fridge with them in it.] You can pay me back later.

Rosa: [nudges her husband for that last statement and holds up an incense container.] I cleansed the room of evil spirits. [holds up a container of bug spray.] And spiders.

Frida: [showing her photos] And I hung some pictures of our beautiful family. [points to a specific one] I even put up one of you and your boyfriend.

[Lincoln and Ronnie Anne deny in unison.]

Lincoln: I'm not her boyfriend!

Ronnie Anne: He's not my boyfriend!

Laney: Okay, that denial is really starting to get old.

CJ: [holding up a sign] And I made this. It says **Ronnie Anne's Room: Keep out!** [gives it to her]

Ronnie Anne: [touched] Wow, guys. This is incredible. I don't know what to say.

Maria: Don't worry, honey. I'll handle it. I'm sorry, everyone, but I think we're going to

Ronnie Anne: [interrupting] Need more snacks for the moving in party!

Rosa: [screams in a panic] THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH SNACKS?! I AM SO EMBARRASSED!

[The others, Lincoln and Lori go to help with the snacks while Maria and Ronnie Anne stay behind.]

Maria: So, you wanna stay? [Ronnie Anne nods] What changed your mind?

Ronnie Anne: You're right, Mom. It is gonna be an adjustment, but maybe it will be nice being part of a big family. Especially this one.

[They hug again, but the precious moment is cut when a thud is heard.]

Ronnie Anne and Maria: [horrified] Oh no. WE LEFT THE DOOR OPEN!

[Lalo hears it and the cats barge into the apartment much to the dog's horror. They shred up Carlos and go after the others.]

Laney: Uh... Nice kitties? [The cats attack Laney] AAAAAHHH! BAD KITTIES! BAD KITTIES!

[Rosa and Carlota attack with brooms, but the cats get them and they run away. Lincoln and CJ attack with their pirate play. The cats strip Hector of his pants, revealing he wears chili pepper boxers.]

Bobby: [notices them] Grandpa, sick boxers! [takes his pants off revealing a pair of his own.] We should sell them at the bodega!

Hector: Great idea!

Frida: [screaming and taking a quick photo.] I'M ALLERGIC ON TOP OF EVERYTHING! [wails]

[The cats chase Lalo who runs under the table and knocks the cake into the air.]

The Casagrande's: THE CAKE!

Ronnie Anne: [runs in] I've got it! [catches it]

[The Casagrande's sigh with relief, but the cats pass Ronnie Anne, making her trip and drop the cake on her. The cats head out the door and Maria shuts it just as they're all gone. Ronnie Anne is covered in frosting. Lalo licks her and everyone laughs at that. Ronnie Anne joins in on the laughter. Laney is seen with her clothes completely shredded and covered in scratches and bruises by the cats, weakily laughing before passing out. Everyone looked in concern]

[The next day, Lori and Bobby are hugging farewell.]

Lori: I'm really gonna miss you, Boo-Boo Bear, but I'm so excited about our future together.

Bobby: Me too, babe. I'll be counting down the days until I see you again.

Carl: [hugging Lori's legs] As will I.

Bobby: [chuckles] Carl, could we have a minute?

Carl: Fine. But remember, my gazelle, if he ever mistreats you... [opens his jacket and reveals a tattoo of Lori on his stomach labeled "Mi Amor."] ...this puma will be ready to pounce!

Carlota: [angrily off-screen] **WHO USED UP ALL OF MY LIMITED EDITION BLACK EYELINER?!**

Carl: [covers himself up and chuckles sheepishly.] Gotta run! [goes back inside]

[Lori and Bobby chuckle at that little moment and hug one more time. Lincoln and Laney are getting their and Lori's stuff into Vanzilla.]

Lincoln: [to Ronnie Anne] So, I guess this is goodbye.

Ronnie Anne: [holds her fist out] Yeah. Smell you later, lame-o.

[Lincoln flinches at the possible punch, and then Ronnie Anne hugs him instead, and he hugs her back.]

Lincoln: Whoa. You've never hugged me before.

Ronnie Anne: Don't get used to it. [Laney hugs her]

Laney: I'm really gonna miss you, Ronnie Anne. You've been a great friend and I wish I had more time to hang out with you.

Ronnie Anne: No worries, Lanes. You can always video chat with me. I'm always open. And you can also come back and visit if you want.

Laney: Sounds great. Just as long as I'm not near any cats. The only frazzled feline I want touching me is Cliff.

Ronnie Anne: [laughs] Okay. See ya 'round.

[Laney leaves. Lincoln was about to do the same but stops]

Lincoln: Oh, before I go, here's something that might help you out. It always helps me. [whispers it into Ronnie Anne's ear.]

Ronnie Anne: Really?

Lincoln: Trust me. [Leaves. Sits next to Laney]

Laney: What did you tell her?

Lincoln: Something that's always been a help to me.

Laney: Hm. I wonder what that is?...

[Later that night, in her room with Lalo, Ronnie Anne is enjoying an ice pop.]

Ronnie Anne: [to the viewers] Well, things are definitely gonna be different for me. My whole family just quadrupled in size. My backyard is now a fire escape, and I definitely need a lock for that bathroom door. It's gonna be quite an adventure, but I'm up for it. Huh. Lincoln was right. It does help talking to you guys.

[Enter Sergio]

Sergio: [squawks] Dream Boat!

Ronnie Anne: Ooh! Guess our show's on. Gotta run! [hops on Lalo] Giddy up, Lalo!

[Lalo carries her off to watch the show while Sergio looks at a picture of Bobby.]

Sergio: [looks at a picture of Bobby, still under the cookie's spell; squawks.] I meant Bobby. [grabs a photo of Bobby and flies off.]

[Rosa closes her door and opens up her dresser which has pictures of the Santiago's and her Elvis candle.]

Rosa: I told them my candle works every time. [blows it out, fading the episode out.]


	93. Back Out There

**Back Out There**

[Royal Woods Elementary School. School bell rings, children are playing dodgeball in gym class.]

Zach: Man I hate dodgeball!

[Zach tries to avoid incoming balls, when Girl Jordan and other classmates are running around.]

Lincoln: [dodging incoming ball] Me too!

Clyde: [dodging incoming ball] It's the worst!

Liam: I'd rather milk an ornery cow!

Rusty: Chill out, guys! Just like we practiced. [takes a pose] Snake formation!

[Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam hide behind Rusty.]

Rusty: So, we're all chilling at my place again today? Left!

[Rusty, Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam move left, dodging incoming ball.]

Zach: Sure. Oh! We can make another popcorn pizza!

Rusty: Right!

[Rusty, Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam move right, dodging incoming ball.]

Lincoln: Sorry, guys!

Rusty: Left!

Lincoln: I can't make it.

Rusty: Right!

Clyde: Lincoln, you haven't hung out with us for all week!

Lincoln: I know. I've just had this thing to take care of.

[whistle blows]

Lincoln: [running to the exit door] Have fun guys! Catch ya later! [gets hit in face by a ball] Hey! Girl Jordan! The whistle blew! [leaves]

Clyde: You know, I'm worried about Lincoln. It isn't like him to not want to hang out.

Zach: [Gasp] You think maybe an alien has taken over his body?

Rusty: That would explain the white hair.

Clyde: Guys! It's not an alien. Lincoln and I have a signal for that if that happens.

Liam: Well, something ain't right!

Clyde: We're Lincoln's friends and we have to do something.

Liam: Respect his privacy?

Clyde: No, we are totally going to spy on him and find out what's going on! [gets hit by a ball] Hey! Girl Jordan! The whistle blew!

[Scene cuts to what was once the Santiagos' house, where Lincoln is sitting on his bike observed by his friends.]

Rusty: Ronnie Anne's old house? This is where he's been coming everyday?

Zach: Doesn't he know she moved?

Clyde: I think I know what's going on here.

[They all duck into the shrub.]

Clyde: Lincoln's got a classic case of PBB.

Zach: Peanut Butter Breath?

Clyde: No.

Rusty: Pale Boy Bangs?

Clyde: No.

Liam: Polybrominated Biphenyls.

Clyde: No. Lincoln has PBB, or Post Breakup Blues. The poor guy misses Ronnie Anne so much that he's coming here everyday to pine for her. [takes out some pamphlets] I learned all about it in the pamphlets I collected in Dr. Lopez's Waiting Room.

Zach: So, what do we do? Should we talk to him about it?

Clyde: No! The pamphlet says that will just send him into a denial spiral. The only way to reverse PBB and get closure is to distract her from thinking about Ronnie Anne by using a three step process called BBP. But first, the brochure also says that it helps to cure the person's PBB with support from a relative of a parential guardian. And I think I know just the realtive...

[Scene cut to Laney was walking home from school until she was stopped by Clyde and the boys]

Laney: Oh, hey Clyde. Can I help you?

Clyde: Yes you can, Laney. You see, your brother is suffering from PBB.

Laney: [Gasps] Not Peanut Butter Breath!

Clyde: No, Post Breakup Blues. We've noticed him feeling obsessed over Ronnie Anne since she moved away.

Laney: He wasn't feeling obsessed after our trip to the city. Maybe he does kinda miss her. Could he really be crushing over Ronnie Anne?

Clyde: That's what we're worried about.

Laney: Well, have you tried talking to him.

Clyde: No! That would send him in a denial spiral! That's we need your help. To support Lincoln and help him forget about Ronnie Anne. And with our BBP.

Laney: Okay, so what do we need to do.

Clyde: Simple, Laney. We'll start with the first B as in "Boys Night Out".

Laney: Uh technically, it's not much of a Boys night out if it also includes a girl.

Clyde: Hm. You're right. Okay then, we'll make it a "Kids Night Out" then.

Liam: [raises hand] Oh! My meemaw said I have to be home before dark.

[Lincoln is hanging out with his friends and his sister.]

Lincoln: A kids afternoon out sounds great, guys! What brought this on?

Liam: Your PBB.

Lincoln: [confused] My what?

Zach: [shuts Liam up] Uh...your Pale Boy Bangs. They're so pretty, the world needs to see 'em!

Lincoln: Laney, I don't understand why you're here.

Laney: Uh.. What? Do I need an excuse to hang out with my favorite brother? [Smiles nervously]

Rusty: [grabs Lincoln] Come on, Lincoln! First thing this kids' afternoon out needs is some new threads. [pushes Lincoln into the tailor shop Duds for Dudes.] My dad said he'd hook us up.

[Inside the shop, the boys come out of their dressing booths and are wearing matching white tuxes.]

Mr. Spokes: Now there's five happenin' cats! You're gonna be fighting off the ladies with a stick!

Liam: Aw, dang. I didn't bring my stick.

Laney: You guys do look sharp in those suits.

Rusty: Oh, liking what you see here huh?

Laney: Oy, vey...

Mr. Spokes: See? It's workin' already!

[The boys each pass by Rusty's dad and give him a high-five.]

Clyde: Yeah, thanks.

Lincoln: These are great!

Rusty: Thanks again, dad!

Mr. Spokes: Now, you kids have fun. Make sure to return the suits by tonight, and don't get a single spot on 'em... [threateningly] ...OR YOU'LL BE GROUNDED FOR A MONTH! [calmly] Have fun!

[Rusty gulps nervously and the others are outside the shop planning.]

Zach: Anyone else feel like havin' buffalo wings?

Clyde: And nachos!

Lincoln: Chili fries!

Laney: I can go for some pizza.

Liam: Darn tootin'!

[They all head off and leave Rusty behind.]

Rusty: [worried] Uh, guys?

[The boys are hanging out at Gus' Games and Grub and eating some messy food while keeping their suits clean.]

Rusty: [scared] Careful, guys! Zach, napkin! [gives Zach said napkin] Lincoln, watch that sauce! [gives Lincoln a napkin]

Zach: [whispers to Clyde] It's working. He looks happy.

[Their waitress comes up]

Waitress: Let me tell you guys about our dessert specials. We've got the heart-shaped cookie, the lovers' sundae for two, and the tira-miss-you! [giggles]

Laney: Mmm. The heart shaped cookie sound nice.

Clyde: [frantically pushing the waitress away] Nobody wants desserts!

[The others except Lincoln and Laney get up.]

Lincoln: But, I wanted dessert...

Clyde: [grabs Lincoln] Let's play Dance Dance Revolution! [notices a couple playing on the game machine while holding hands and having hearts in their eyes.] Never mind.

Zach: [covers Lincoln's eyes] Let's just watch some TV.

[On the TV there's a wrestling match with two burly wrestlers tugging on a scrawny wrestler.]

Clyde: Uh-oh. Those are Ronnie Anne's favorite tag-team wrestlers: Payne and Suffering.

Laney: I didn't know Ronnie Anne liked wrestling.

Liam: Uh, this place is lame. Who's up for a kids day out music montage? [takes Lincoln out]

[The montage begins with the boys and Laney going to a barbershop and getting their hair down. Then a limo comes by and takes them all for a ride as they pick out the sunroof and cheer. Next, they go to a rock climbing emporium, and then an indoor go-kart race course. After that, they go to an arts and crafts studio where Lincoln, Laney, Clyde, Zach and Liam make some pottery while Rusty wears a smock to keep his suit from getting dirty. Finally, they go to the pier and get their caricatures taken.]

Laney: Boy, it sure was nice hanging out with you boys.

Lincoln: Yeah, this kids day out was awesome!

Clyde: That's great to hear, Lincoln. [unsure] Would you say you feel- [looks in his pamphlet quickly] -a sense of closure and more optimistic about the future?

Lincoln: [thinking] Um, that's pretty specific, but...yeah, I guess.

[His eye twitches while his friends smile at each other. His watch then starts beeping.]

Lincoln: [looking at the time] Whoops! Sorry, guys. I have to go take care of that thing again. [runs off]

Zach: Ugh! I can't believe it!

Rusty: So much for closure.

[Back at the former home of the Santiagos, same set up as last time.]

Zach: He's back at Ronnie Anne's.

Liam: Ooh-wee, he got it bad for that gal.

Laney: I don't get it. He's just standing in front Ronnie Anne's old house.

Clyde: That's just it, Laney! He's so obessed about Ronnie Anne leaving that he keeps sitting in by her old house because that was the only thing he has left that reminds him of her!

Laney: Wow. I knew he liked Ronnie Anne but not this much. Are you sure we shouldn't just talk to him?

[They duck down again]

Clyde: No! Remember! Denial spiral! Don't worry. The pamphlet says this can happen. If the first B in BBP doesn't work, you just move onto the second B: Beautiful Ladies.

[They hop out of the shrub.]

Rusty: That's my favorite B.

Laney: Where are gonna find these beautiful ladies?

Zach: We know a few people.

[A bus's horn blares through the air. Rusty notices it and a mud puddle right next to them.]

Rusty: [panicking] Guys, protect the suits! Snake formation!

[They get into formation and Rusty shields them all with an umbrella so the mud doesn't get on the suits as the bus drives by.]

Rusty: [victorious] Ha! You can't beat the Rust Man that easily! [suddenly, he and the others get pooped on by birds]

Laney: They just did.

Rusty: [distraught] NOOOOOOO!

[The mall]

Rusty: [frantic] Oh man. What am I gonna tell my dad about those suits?

Liam: Aw, don't worry. You can get bird poop out. It's donkey poop you gotta worry about.

Clyde: [notices the target] Here comes Lincoln. We're all clear about what to do?

[The others nod]

Lincoln: Hey, guys.

Clyde: Hey, buddy! You took care of your...thing?

Lincoln: Yep. [highfives Clyde]

[The others squint slyly to each other.]

Clyde: [nudging his best friend's shoulder] Glad you could hang out some more.

Liam: [acting and looking through the mall's comic book store's window.] I declare, Zach, isn't that your friend Renee in yonder comic book store?

Zach: [acting] You are right, Liam. She is probably there because she is a huge Ace Savvy fan.

Rusty: [acting] Hey, Lincoln, you're a huge Ace Savvy fan, too. You should go talk to her.

Lincoln: I don't-

[Clyde grabs Lincoln and shoves him into the comic book shop. The boys give each other a thumbsup.]

[Inside the comic store, Lincoln is talking to Renee.]

Lincoln: It's so cool to meet someone who loves Ace as much as I do!

Renee: Same here.

[They both notice a rare Ace Savvy comic.]

Lincoln: Whoa! Is that the limited edition Christmas issue with the variant cover?

Renee: " **Deck the Halls** "? I've been looking for that forever!

Lincoln: Me too!

Lincoln and Renee: It's the only copy. [start fighting over it] GIVE IT! IT'S MINE!

[The boys are watching the struggle through the window.]

Laney: You think that with so much in common they'd learn to share. Clearly whoever said that hasn't met my family.

Clyde: Looks like we're gonna need another beautiful lady. [A punch is heard off-screen.] And an ice pack.

[In a dark theater, a girl with braces is watching a movie. The boys enter the theater.]

Clyde: [acting] Hey, Liam, isn't that your cousin, Hattie?

Liam: [acting] Tar-r-rnation! I didn't see her horse parked outside. Lincoln, you should sit next to her. She's a bigger sci-fi fan than you are. [drags Lincoln over to Hattie]

Hattie: Ooooh! My, my, how do? I'm Hattie. [Gestures her hand for a handshake.]

[One of the theater attendants hushes Hattie.]

Lincoln: [shakes Hattie's hand] I'm Lincoln.

Hattie: [sticks her feet up a seat] You done seen this picture before? Oooh! I love the part where the alien becomes human!

Audience: Boo!

Lincoln: [annoyed] Kind of a spoiler.

Hattie: That ain't nothing. Turns out the whole thing's just a dream!

[The audience starts groaning and complaining and throwing their food at her and Lincoln, who facepalms.]

Theater Attendant: She did NOT say that!

[The gang regroups outside]

Laney: Do you guys know any girls who aren't possesive or spoiler giving?

Clyde: Rusty, you must know some beautiful ladies.

Rusty: [uneasy] Well, you know...

Zach: [doubting] Yeah. You're always bragging about what a ladies' man you are.

Rusty: [nervous] It's tough on such short notice-

Liam: [beggin] Come on, man! It's for Lincoln!

Rusty: [giving in] Uh, sure. I can make a call.

[Sometime later]

Rusty: Ah. Here comes the lovely lady now.

[Enter an old lady]

Tina: Hello, Rusty. I'm very excited to meet this white-haired gentleman you told me about.

Clyde: [drags Rusty aside; disciplinary] Rusty, who is that?!

Rusty: [sweating] Uh...my piano teacher?

[The others look at him in complete shock and dismay.]

Rusty: Guys, give me a break! I've been going through a bit of a dry spell.

Laney: A LONG dry spell if you ask me.

Liam: Laney, you're a girl. I'm sure you know some gal pals that would love to hang out with your brother.

Laney: Um, well I do have one. But I don't think she'll be interested...

Clyde: Come on, Laney! Do it for Lincoln!

Laney: [sighs] Well, alright...

[Cut to later at the food court Karla was sitting at a table]

Lincoln: Uh, Laney? Where are you taking me?

Laney: I just noticed that you're a little famished after that rough day. So I'm treating you some lunch. [Acting] Oh, look! It's my friend Karla from school. [The boys give her a thumbs up; continues acting] You should go talk to her! [Takes Lincoln to the table and walks]

Karla: Oh, hey Laney. Hey, Lincoln.

Laney: Hi, Karla. Nice to see that you came. Yeah, I was hoping you and Lincoln would get acquainted with each other. I'll leave you two to caht. [leaves]

Karla: So Lincoln, how are your sisters holding up?

Lincoln: Uh, they're doing great. Luna's rehearsing for a rock show at her high school, Lola's preparing for paegant week. It's pretty busy down at my place.

Karla: Boy, I'm lucky I only have one sibling.

Lincoln: You do?

Karla: Yeah. He's actually here right now. [A dark haired boy with glasses, wearing a blue striped shirt and white pants appears next to Karla] Lincoln, meet my twin brother, Quentin.

Quentin: [Shakes Lincoln's hand] Wow, you must be Lincoln Loud, the only brother with 10 sisters. I heard so much about you, it must be tough living with such a big family. I can imagine the bathroom lines!

Lincoln: Yeah, It can be pretty crazy there.

Karla: You're telling me. Last time I visited, I was hit with a football!

Quentin: Ooh, sports injury. It kinda reminds me of a movie I saw once. A guy got a soccer ball right in his teabags!

Karla: Oh, that was hilarious. [While the two were chatting like crazy, Lincoln feeling uncomfortable walked away]

Clyde: Laney, what's going on? I thought you said your friend would be great for Lincoln.

Laney: Well, I thought he would have so much in common since she has a sibling of her own. But I might have forgotten that she can be a bit chatty sometimes.

Rusty: Sometimes?

Zach: [sighs] What are we gonna do, guys? Nothing seems to be working.

Laney: Maybe we should try talking to him?

[Clyde looks over to the local karate dojo and sees a girl practicing in there.]

Karate Girl: Hi- [kicks a training bag] YAH!

Clyde: Wait a minute, guys! Maybe instead of meeting someone who likes the same things as Lincoln, he needs to meet someone who likes the same things as Ronnie Anne.

[The girl keeps bashing on the training bag with her techniques while wailing a battle cry.]

Zach: Ooooh! Good thinking, man!

Rusty: You should write your own pamphlets, dawg!

Laney: Are you sure you know what Ronnie Anne likes?

Clyde: Of course, Laney. We all know how much of an experienced fighter Ronnie Anne is. She's perfect!

[Lincoln appears]

Lincoln: Ugh! I thought I'd never escape from there! Not to be rude about your friend, Laney. But I almost got my ear talked off!

Clyde: [takes Lincoln to the dojo] Hey, we were thinking about doing some group karate. [leaves]

Lincoln: Uh, guys? I thought you said "group".

Karate Girl: [notices Lincoln] Oh. Did you want to spar?

Lincoln: No. Uh, that's-

[The girl bows and starts sparring with and beating up Lincoln while the others watch.]

Zach: Uh...I don't think beautiful girls is doing the trick.

Karate Girl: HI-YAH! [hits Lincoln again]

Clyde: Well, in that case, it's time to move onto the final letter of BBP: P for Paradise. The pamphlet says Tahiti and Hawaii are good options.

Karate Girl: WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH!

Laney: Uh, that sounds a little expensive don't you think?

[The boys check their pockets and find that they have no money.]

Rusty: She's right. Sounds a little out of our budget.

[The boys are now sending a battered Lincoln away on a vacation.]

Lincoln: [reading his ticket] Hazeltucky Motel and Water Park.

Liam: Yep. Three days in paradise. We even packed your bag.

Lincoln: Uh, guys, I appreciate the thought, but why are you doing this?

Laney: I'll explain. Lincoln, your friends here think you have PBB.

Lincoln: [worried] I have Peanut Butter Breath, and no one told me?!

Clyde: No. Post Breakup Blues. We know Ronnie Anne broke your heart when she moved away, and we're trying to help you put the pieces back together.

Liam: Yeah. We seen you standing outside her house, lookin' like a cat who done lost his saucer.

Lincoln: [holding back laughter] Oh, man, that's what this is all about? Guys, you got it all wrong. I don't miss Ronnie Anne.

Laney: You don't?

Clyde: Don't fall for it, Laney. It's the denial spiral.

Lincoln: No, seriously, I was only sitting in front of her house because-

Bus Driver: All aboard!

[The boys shove Lincoln onto the bus and it leaves with him. Lincoln starts yelling at them but no sound comes through the back window.]

Laney: Guys! Lincoln is not crazy about Ronnie Anne! I'm pretty sure he was trying to tell us something else! I told you we should've just talked to him!

Clyde: Laney, Laney, Laney. You're just upset about your brother's problem. Don't worry, he'll be just fine.

Zach: Yeah. I just hope he knows how lucky he is to have friends like us. [Laney groans]

[Just then, they notice Lincoln's phone on the ground vibrating.]

Clyde: [picks phone up] Huh. Lincoln must have dropped his phone. [sees who's calling] Ronnie Anne?! Ugh! Unbelievable! She's still tormenting him?

Laney: Tormenting him? Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

Clyde: I'll handle this. [answers] Hello, Ronnie Anne. This is Clyde, Lincoln's best friend.

Ronnie Anne: I know who you are, Clyde. Where's Lincoln?

Clyde: You need to leave him alone!

Rusty: Yeah! He needs space to get over you!

Ronnie Anne: Get over me?

Zach: Yeah. Since you left, the poor guy's just been standing in front of your old house everyday.

Ronnie Anne: Yeah! Because I asked him to look out for a package that was sent to me there!

Clyde: How's that now?

Laney: So that's why he's always at her house!

Clyde, Rusty, Liam, and Zach: [guilty] Uh-oh...

Clyde: We have to stop that bus!

Rusty: Snake formation! It'll cut down wind resistance!

[The boys get into position and charge after the bus while wailing. Laney picks up Lincoln's phone]

Laney: Hey, Ronnie Anne.

Ronnie Anne: Laney? What's going on? Did the guys do something stupid again?

Laney: Stupid would be an understatement in this case...

[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln and Laney are talking to Ronnie Anne on video chat in his room.]

Ronnie Anne: I'm glad they caught you in time.

Lincoln: Yeah. I've never seen Clyde run that fast. He actually threw up.

Ronnie Anne: You must've been furious with them for putting you through all of that.

Lincoln: Nah. They were just trying to be good friends.

Laney: Besides, I think they're already punished enough.

[Back at Duds for Dudes, the boys are cleaning the suits that got pooped on by Mr. Spokes' order.]

Rusty: [devastated] Man, this bird poop isn't coming out.

Liam: Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's donkey poop that comes out easy and it's that dang bird poop that you gotta worry about.

[Back to Lincoln and Ronnie Anne's chat.]

Laney: I'm sorry you had to go through all of that nonsense today. I guess it was kinda silly to think you actually miss Ronnie Anne like a girlfriend. I mean, the last thing I want is another "Lori and Bobby" couple.

Ronnie Anne: [Laughs] You got that right.

Lincoln: Well, the good news is, your package finally arrived! [holds it up]

Ronnie Anne: Cool! Hey, could you open it for me? I wanna make sure it's not damaged.

[Lincoln opens the box, and a pie splats over his face. Ronnie Anne and Laney laugh while Lincoln scowls.]

Ronnie Anne: [still laughing] Oh, man. That cost me 25 bucks, but it was so worth it. Smell ya later, lame-o. [signs off]

Laney: [Still laughing] Classic Ronnie Anne! [leaves Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: [cleaning himself off, irritated] Ugh! Ronnie Anne! [stops and realizes] Ha! I guess the guys were right. I really do miss her. [smiles confidently]


	94. City Slickers

**City Slickers**

[One sunny day, Lori, Laney, and Lincoln are driving in Vanzilla.]

Lori: There it is - the big city! [screams in excitement]

Laney: Lori, I know you're excited to see Bobby but can you please tone it down a bit?

Lori: Sorry, guys, I'm just so excited!

Lincoln: [to the viewers] We're visiting Bobby and Ronnie Anne this weekend, so Lori can get to know the city better. Laney and I are just tagging along for moral support, and for some of that delicious Casagrande cuisine.

Lori: Can you believe it? As soon as a I graduate, I'll literally be going to college here. [screams in excitement again]

Laney: What part of tone it down don't you understand?

Lori: Sorry, I just know how much I'm going to love it here. I've always been a city girl at heart.

[Cue Swinging Jazz Music, Lori's dream sequence begins in a parody of "That Girl" intro, Lori walks on the street when a Cab driver offers her a ride and a rose, Lori gleefully twirls. She walks into a subway and sits with nearby glance happily at her, as one of them offers Lori a rose. She walks up the street with by-passers smiling her way, with the underground construction offers her a rose.]

[End sequence, back to Lori, Laney, and Lincoln.]

Lori: [sighs happily] How about you? Are you excited to see Ronnie Anne?

Laney: I sure am. It's been so long since I last saw Ronnie Anne. I can't wait to hang out with her again. What about you, Lincoln?

Lincoln: Oh, yeah! We're gonna have a blast.

[Cue Speed Metal Music, the sequence begins with Lincoln and Ronnie ordering a slice of Deep Dish Pizza, Lincoln is about to eat his pizza when Ronnie Anne puts her piece into Lincoln's pants, later downtown reveals Lincoln on the big screen, Ronnie Anne directs Lincoln to look up and pulls down his pants, she laughs and the others watching the screen joins her. Lincoln and Ronnie Anne board the subway when she pushes him out before the subway takes off.]

Lincoln: [sighs happily] I've missed her.

[Cuts to the Casagrande Family bodega with Vanzilla arriving. In the hallway, Carlos is standing reading a book, Lalo is resting, and Hector is on a ladder putting up the sign to welcome Lori and Lincoln back. Frida and Maria come in carrying food.]

Frida: A little lower.

Maria: A little higher.

Hector: [Groans] Why do we even need a sign? When did we become sign people?

Carlos: I just watched a fascinating documentary on the role signage into expanding our freeway systems. It seems that-

Frida: [Shoves a taquito into her husband's mouth.] Here, honey. Try my taquitos! [She and Maria wink at each other.]

Carlota: [Carrying two dresses and looking for Ronnie Anne.] Ronnie Anne! I narrowed it down to two dresses! [To her father and grandfather] Has anyone seen her?

[Carlos and Hector shake their heads.]

Carlota: [Runs off] Ronnie Anne!

[Ronnie Anne pops out behind Lalo.]

Ronnie Anne: [Let's out a sigh of relief] I may smell like dog all day, but it's worth it!

[Lalo licks Ronnie Anne, leaving her hair a mess. She heads out in the direction Carlota came from.]

Rosa: [With Carlitos mimicking her] Out of my way! Out of my way! I'm cleansing the place of unkind spirits!

Sergio: [squawks] Can't see! Mayday! Mayday!

["Accidentally" knocks over the ladder, Hector falls, bringing the banner down with him. CJ notices Lincoln, Laney, and Lori.]

CJ: Lincoln, Laney, and Lori are here! Hooray!

[The rest of the family pop out of the doors to see Lincoln and Lori. Camera flashes.]

Lori: Hi, CJ!

Lincoln: [as he hugs CJ] Hey buddy, long time, no see!

Hector: You made it!

Carolta: Welcome back!

Carlos: How are the road signs on your way here?

[Carl walks in wearing his footie pajamas and rubbing his eyes, when he sees Lori and Laney, he quickly changes into a white tuxedo.]

Carl: Greetings, my lovely gazelles!

Lori: [slightly uncomfortable] Oh hey, Carl.

Laney: [slightly uncomfortable] Nice to see you too...

Rosa: Come in! Come in!

Hector: [to Lori] Bobby's down in the bodega. Go say hi! But if he's trapped himself in the dairy case again, don't let him out. He has to learn.

Rosa: Come in! Come in!

Hector: [to Lori] Bobby's down in the bodega. Go say hi! But if he's trapped himself in the dairy case again, don't let him out. He has to learn.

[Scene changes to the dining room where Rosa has a spread prepared.]

Rosa: [To Lincoln] I wasn't sure if you wanted breakfast or lunch, so I made both!

Lincoln: I could eat both.

Laney: That bacon looks delicious.

Rosa: [pinches Lincoln's face] Te adora, mijito! [Serves Lincoln a plate full of food.]

CJ: [Sneaks up on Lincoln and hits him with his plastic sword.] Gotcha, Lincoln! Let's go. Time to walk the plank!

Lincoln: Okay, I respect the laws of the sea, but can I eat first?

CJ: Sure. I'm a pirate, but I'm fair.

[Ronnie Anne walks in and sees Lincoln. Sneaks up on him and punches his arm, causing him to toss his food into Lalo's mouth.]

Ronnie Anne: Welcome back, Lame-O.

Laney: Ronnie Anne! [Laney runs up and hugs Ronnie Anne]

Ronnie Anne: Nice to see you too, Lanes.

Lincoln: Hey, Ronnie Anne! I brought you a present.

[Hands her a wrapped box, she takes it and opens it up.]

Ronnie Anne: Oh, cool, a Royal Woods sweatshirt. [Takes off her purple sweatshirt, tosses it on CJ's pirate hat and puts on the new sweatshirt.]

Lincoln: I got it at Gus' Games and Grub. Uuh, sorry it smells like garlic knots.

Ronnie Anne: Beats smelling like a dog. Thanks! [Punches him again]

Lincoln: Ow!

Laney: I got you something too, Ronnie Anne. [Hands Ronnie Anne a painting of her family with Laney's family in her old neighborhood] It's a painting of your old home in Royal Woods. So you won't have to feel homesick.

Ronnie Anne: Oh, Laney this is beautiful. I'm gonna go put this on my room.

Frida: [holding Ronnie Anne's phone] Ronnie Anne, it's Sameer calling.

Ronnie Anne: [Takes her phone and declines] I'll call him back later.

Lincoln: Who's Sameer?

Frida: Oh, Sameer's a part of Ronnie Anne's little group of friends. They're thick as thieves! [begins to tear up] It's so sweet! [stars sobbing]

Laney: Oh, are they your new friends? Oh, you gotta introduce me to them!

Lincoln: Yeah! I'd love to meet them!

Ronnie Anne: No, no! This weekends all about you guys. Come on, we got of lot of catching up to do. [They both leave]

CJ: Hey! Get back here with my prisoner! [gives chase]

[Scene changes to Ronnie Anne's room, Lincoln and Ronnie Anne are playing Muscle Fish, and Ronnie Anne is beating Lincoln at the game. Laney watches]

Lincoln: Oh, no, no, no, no!

Ronnie Anne: Oh, yeah!

Lincoln: Ah!

Ronnie Anne: Boom!

Lincoln: No! Dang it!

[Ronnie Anne wins the game.]

Ronnie Anne: Yes! I still own you. Wanna play again?

Lincoln: Maybe later! Let's go the see the city.

Laney: Yeah. I would love to see your friends, Ronnie Anne!

Ronnie Anne: Eh, there's nothing to see. Just a bunch of tall buildings and smelly subway cars.

[Ronnie Anne's mother pokes her head in.]

Maria: Oh, honey. There's much more to the city than that. You should definitely show Lincoln and Laney around.

[Lincoln, Laney, and Maria blink twice. Frida joins in and they all blink three times.]

Frida: Do it, Mija. You know we're just gonna stare at you until you agree.

Ronnie Anne: Ugh, fine.

[She, Laney, and Lincoln leave the room. Once they're gone Maria jumps up on the bed takes one of the controllers and offers the other one to Frida.]

Maria: Come on, Frida, let's see what you got!

[Frida takes the controller and she and Maria begin. The scene cuts out with BANG, POW, and K.O graphics.]

[Lori is in Carlota's room, wearing the city girl outfit she was dreaming of.]

Lori: Wow! This is literally the city girl look I was dreaming of! I can't believe you have all this.

Carlota: When you thrift as much as I do, you pretty much have everything.

[At that moment CJ pops out of out of Carlota's dresser.]

CJ: Surprise! Pirate attack! [roars]

[CJ, Lori and Carlota laugh, after CJ leaves Carl walks in with pudding on his upper lip.]

Carl: Lori, my love, allow me to be your guide today. I can show you the most romantic spots of our fine metropolis.

[Lori giggles]

Carlota: Oh, fancy words from someone with a pudding moustache.

[Carl growls, irritated, and wipes off the pudding on his face.]

Lori: That's very sweet, Carl. But I think I can manage on my own.

Carl: I can understand. For the record, strong, independent woman enflame the passion of my heart.

Lori: Literally adorable. [and leaves]

Carl: [Growls at Carlota] Thank you for ruining my vibe! [Carlota just sticks her tongue at him.]

[Meanwhile Downtown, Ronnie Anne walks on the sidewalk showing Lincoln and Laney buildings, while Lincoln is huffing and puffing just to keep up with her.]

Ronnie Anne: [unenthusiastic] And there's a building, and another building, and, ooh, an even taller building. Whoo, good tour.

Laney: You're not very happy about this tour, Ronnie Anne.

[Lincoln starts panting, when he hears some kids across the street.]

3 Kids: Hey, Ronnie Anne!

[Lincoln looks over at Ronnie Anne who is still walking away, he runs up to her.]

Lincoln: Hey, those kids are calling you!

[Ronnie Anne quickly takes her sweatshirt off and ties it around her waist, much to Lincoln and Laney's confusion.]

Kid #1: Hey, didn't you hear us?

Ronnie Anne: Duh, obviously not.

[Ronnie Anne tries to avoid making eye contact with anyone, but her friends start awkwardly staring at Lincoln, who starts feeling uncomfortable. He and Ronnie Anne look at each other, Ronnie Anne looks away so Lincoln and Laney decide to introduce themselves.]

Laney: Hi! I'm Laney and this is my brother, Lincoln. [Shakes the dark skinned kids hand] You must be Sameer.

Casey: Uh, actually I'm Casey. [Points to Sameer] That's Sameer, and that's Nikki.

Nikki: Sup, how do you know Santiago?

Laney: Oh, that's becuase I'm- [Ronnie Anne covers her mouth]

Ronnie Anne: Part of my rough and tumble past. So is Linc here.

Lincoln: Ha, the only rough and tumble was that church carnival ride that made us puke up our cotton candy.

Ronnie Anne: [Grabs Lincoln's arm] We should get going.

Laney: Going? But we just met! Besides, I wanna get to know what it's like to be in the city.

Casey: But don't you already live in the city?

Laney: What are talking abou- [Ronnie Anne nudges Laney] Oof!

Ronnie Anne: Uh... She's just very modest about Uptown.

Lincoln: You guys want to hang with us?

[Ronnie Anne starts looking nervous.]

Casey: Heck yeah!

Sameer: Sweet!

Nikki: You bet!

[Ronnie Anne dons a fake smile.]

[Elsewhere, Lori buys a latte and walks into a busy intersection, bumping into various people and spilling her latte.]

Various People: Out of my way! Watch it! You watch it!

[Lori then tries to hail a cab, only to be ignored by several of them before getting splashed by a bus driving over a puddle.]

Lori: Hey! Excuse me! Aah! [coughs]

[Elsewhere, Ronnie Anne, Laney, Lincoln, Sameer, Casey and Nikki are at the fountain eating hot dogs.]

Sameer: [To Lincoln] So what do you guys do for fun up on 300th street.

Lincoln: [Confused] 300th street? What are you-

[Yelps as Ronnie Anne squirts ketchup on his shirt.]

Ronnie Anne: Oops, my bad. Sorry, Linc. [Picks up her hot dog and eats quietly, a pigeons takes a bite at Lincoln's hot dog, Lincoln tries to shoo it away but more pigeons start flying around him.]

Lincoln: Aah! These pigeons are crazy!

Casey: [Throws a bread crumb to get rid of the pigeons.] Aren't they just as crazy uptown?

Lincoln: What do you mean? I'm not from- [Ronnie Anne hip checks Lincoln into the fountain, Nikki chuckles at this.]

Ronnie Anne: Uuh, you looked hot.

Laney: No he didn't, I just saw you hip check him into the- [Ronnie Anne hip checks Laney into the fountain]

[At the subway tunnel, the train pulls up, Lori holds her hair, and pulls out a map.]

Lori: [sighs] Okay, Two stops to 45th street.

Conductor: This is an express train to 250th street.

Lori: Wait. What?! [yells at the subway closes and takes her, way too far, uptown.]

[Inside the tallest building, Ronnie, Lincoln, Sameer, Nikki and Casey step out of the elevator.]

Elevator Man: Welcome to the top deck. Don't forget your complimentary souvenir photo on the way out.

Laney: Wow! This view is amazing!

Lincoln: Yeah! Our tallest building doesn't come close to this, but it does provide a great view of my friend Liam's chicken farm.

Nikki: [Confused] I've never heard of a chicken farm in the city.

Laney: Don't be silly. We don't live in the-

Ronnie Anne: [Cutting Laney off before he can finish] Oh! Look! A blimp! [Everyone looks, and they see nothing. They then look at Ronnie Anne in confusion.] Ah, you missed it!

[Ronnie Anne sees Lincoln looking at her suspiciously, she looks away, rubbing her arm, but Lincoln notices her sweatshirt.]

Lincoln: Hey, Ronnie Anne, it's pretty cold up here. [Ronnie Anne, knowing what Lincoln is doing, starts to look nervous.] Don't you wanna put on your sweatshirt on?

Ronnie Anne: No, I'm good.

Lincoln: Then can I borrow it? I'm cold.

Ronnie Anne: [With a serious expression.] No, you're good, too.

Lincoln: [Grabs the sweatshirt off her waist.] Just let me borrow it.

Ronnie Anne: [Annoyed, grabs her sweatshirt back.] Hey, what's your problem? [Lincoln pulls Ronnie Anne away.]

Lincoln: I know what's going on. You lied to your friends and told them you're from uptown instead of Royal Woods.

Ronnie Anne: [Still annoyed, and avoiding eye contact.] What? That's ridiculous!

Laney: So that's why you're acting so weird! You're lying about where you're from! That's not right! Why can't you just tell them the truth? They won't care where you're from!

Lincoln: Unless you're embarassed about Royal Woods!

Ronnie Anne: Just drop it, guys.

Lincoln: Well, you can do what you want, but I'm not lying from where I come from.

[Starts back to Nikki, Sameer, and Casey. Ronnie Anne is nervous again, she then gets mad and grabs Lincoln's arm.]

Ronnie Anne: Why do you guys have to mess everything up for me? I didn't ask you to come here in the first place!

Lincoln: [Hurt, pulls his arm away] You're right, so maybe I'll just go! Right after I take complimentary souvenir photo!

[Lincoln storms off, and Ronnie Anne now looks guilty]

Laney: [furious] What the heck is wrong with you!? I came here to hang out with my best friend! But, the whole day I've been splashed, attacked by pigeons, and forced to play along with your charade! All because you don't want people to know where you really from?!

Ronnie Anne: [Suddenly remorseful] No, no. It's not like that at all... I'm still your friend it's just that...

Laney: [Interrupts Ronnie Anne] What? You think just because you moved into the big city you have to change everything about you? Well if that's the case, maybe you're not my friend after all... [Walks away in anger]

[Ronnie Anne, looking even guiltier, looks at the sweatshirt Lincoln gave her and sighs knowing that she hurt Lincoln and Laney's feelings.]

[Up on 250th street, Lori exits the subway and takes out her map again.]

Lori: Okay, I'm still a city girl. I can find my way baaaahhhhh! [falls into a manhole]

[Back at the Casagrande Apartment, the family is in the living room watching TV.]

Sergio: [squawks]

[Everyone turns to see Lincoln trying to not be noticed.]

Lincoln: [Sees everyone looking at him] Hey, everyone, I just remembered I need to go home. So I'm gonna pack. [Laney walks with Lincoln still completely silent]

[Family goes back to watching TV when suddenly they, especially Bobby, hear Lori sobbing.]

Lori: [sobbing]

Bobby: [runs after Lori] Babe, are you okay?

[Ronnie Anne runs inside the apartment, looking for Lincoln and Laney.]

Ronnie Anne: [To her family] Where's Lincoln and Laney?

Maria: They're packing. What's going on?

Ronnie Anne: [remorsefully] I did something dumb.

Rosa: [Worried] What happened out there today!?

CJ: Must be pirates.

Hector: [Gets up] Come on, we need to get to the bottom of this!

[The family follows Hector.]

Lori: [still sobbing, with Bobby holding her] I'm sorry, Boo Boo Bear, but there's just is no way I can live the city.

Bobby: But what about our plans? We're suppose to go to college here together.

Lori: That was before I fell in a manhole! [sobbing]

Bobby: Oh Babe, when I first got here, I walked right into the back end of the police horse. Luckily for me, he hadn't eaten lunch yet.

Lori: [Sniffles but then laughs a little as Bobby caresses her hair and chin, she puts her head on his shoulder.]

Bobby: Life isn't always easy here. But once you get the hang of it, it's really great and I know you're gonna love it. [kisses Lori's forehead]

Lori: [Smiling, hugs Bobby] Thanks, Bobby. I feel a lot better.

[Rosa, Carlota, Carl, Carlos and Sergio, who were listening at the door, are relieved, meanwhile Hector, Frida, CJ, Maria and Lalo are listening at Ronnie Anne's door.]

Ronnie Anne: Guys, you can't leave. I didn't mean what I said before. [pauses] I do want you here.

Lincoln: [Turns around] I just don't understand why you don't want your friends to know you're from Royal Woods.

Ronnie Anne: I don't know. I guess I wanted them to think I was a city kid, so they'd wanna hang out with me.

Lincoln: Well, if they're really your friends. They'll like you for who you are, not where you're from.

Ronnie Anne: [Looks at her sweatshirt, still tied around her waist.] Guess you're right. [smiles, and punches Lincoln's arm, lightly] Thanks, Lame-O. [Looks at Laney, who was still upset] Laney? Listen, I'm sorry about everything. You were right, I should've just been honest.

Laney: You really hurt me back there Ronnie Anne.

Ronnie Anne: I know. I was a total jerk. But that's not because the city changed me. I guess during the time I was here, I didn't know how good I had it back at Royal Woods. It was wrong of me to ever think I can just lie and forget about all the good times I had at my old neighborhood. And how I can forget all the time I had with friends like you. No matter how many changes I go through, I will never ever forget my old town or my old friends. [Laney looks at Ronnie Anne and starts to smile] So... Still my best friend? [Laney hugs Ronnie Anne]

Laney: [Happy] Still you're best friend!

Ronnie Anne: Okay, ease up on the hug will ya?

Laney: [laughs] Great to see that you'll never change.

Ronnie Anne: Alright, enough mushy stuff. Come on, [locks elbows with Lincoln] we need a do-over of today.

[Ronnie Anne opens the door only for half of the family to fall on her and Lincoln.]

Frida: [Trying to pretend they weren't eavesdropping.] Uh... Just doing our weekly door inspection. This one fails.

[Lalo licks Lincoln]

[Lincoln and Ronnie Anne, still holding hands, are walking along, Ronnie Anne annoyed with what her family did.]

Lincoln: Can we start with a re-do of my complimentary photo? It didn't come out great.

[Lincoln shows Ronnie Anne the photo, which was Lincoln literally heated up.]

Ronnie Anne: [chuckles] Sure, but let me take care of something first.

[Ronnie Anne, Lincoln and Laney following her, walks to Casey, Sameer and Nikki.]

Ronnie Anne: Hey, can I talk to you guys? I haven't been honest you. I'm not from the city. I'm from a small town called Royal Woods. All of us are. [puts on her yellow sweatshirt on] I'm sorry I lied. I get that you don't want hang out anymore.

[The three exchange glances]

Casey: Of course, we want to hang with you.

Sameer: Yeah, we don't care. I mean, I'm from Kansas.

Nikki: [To Sameer] Wait, what? [pauses, then rubs his helmet giggling] I'm just messing with you.

[Ronnie Anne's friends join her and the two Louds]

Laney: Told ya they'd be cool with it.

Ronnie Anne: Don't you get tired of always being right?

[Sameer smells something]

Casey: Hey, let's get something to eat. I'm suddenly craving garlic knots.

[Lincoln and Ronnie Anne smile at each other.]

[Later, Lincoln and Ronnie Anne exit the Casagrande Apartment, laughing, followed by Lori and Bobby.]

Ronnie Anne: [laughs] Oh man, let me see that photo one more time.

[Looks at Lincoln's new complimentary photo, which is Ronnie Anne pulling Lincoln's pants down.]

Lincoln: Well, this one didn't come out better.

Ronnie Anne: [Gives Lincoln the photo] I guess you'll just have to come back and visit again. [punches his arm]

Lincoln: Ow! [smiles at Ronnie Anne]

Laney: Well, I think this was a great day! Hey! Maybe your family can come visit me sometime! Then I can show you my art gallery!

Ronnie Anne: I'll keep that in mind, Lame-ette. [Laney laughs]

Laney: Ha! You see that! She called me "Lame-ette"! Just like you Lincoln!

Lori: Thanks for the pep talk, Boo Boo Bear. I'm excited to be a city girl again.

[Lori dreams of being a city girl, but her fantasy abruptly ends when a tow truck leaves with Vanzilla due to Lori parking in a tow away zone.]

Lori: [Flabbergasted] Hey! That's my van! [runs after the tow truck] Come back!

Bobby: [Runs after Lori with Lincoln and Ronnie Anne.] Babe, watch out for horse butts!


	95. Pipe Dreams

**Pipe Dreams**

[The episode begins inside the Loud House with Lynn Sr. and Rita rushing up the stairs]

Lynn Sr.: [Acknowledging Rita] Oh, somebody's in a hurry to get to the bathroom.

Rita: I have an early root canal at work.

Lynn Sr.: Well, I have to get to my fish guy before the good stuff's gone.

[They reach the top of the stairs, and start shoving]

Rita: [In union with her husband] I'll just be a minute.

Lynn Sr.: [In union with his wife] I'll be in and out.

[They look and see a long line]

Lori: [Pounding on the door] Leni! What is taking so long?!

Leni: Something's wrong with this mirror. [Lori comes in, sighs knowing Leni's dilemma, and closes the medicine cabinet. Leni looks and is horrified] O-M-Gosh! How embarrassing!

Lori: [Think Leni means the mirror] Don't worry about it, Leni.

Leni: This chin hair is like, three inches long.

[Leni pluck it out while Lori is just irritated. Lynn Sr. and Rita just look in disbelief]

Rita: [To Lynn Jr.] Lynn, could we cut in front of you? We're running late.

Lynn: You know the rules, we all gotta wait our turn, besides, I won a hot dog eating contest yesterday, and those puppies are barking to be let out.

[Rita and Lynn Sr. are now worried]

[About twenty minutes later, Rita and Lynn Sr. are next, and in serious pain]

Lynn Sr.: Ugh, why do we have to live like this?

Lana: [From her room] If you're in a hurry, you should do what I do, use the second bathroom.

Rita: What second bathroom?

Lana: [Pulling out a bucket full of, unspeakable contents] Old Sloshie. [Lana's parents deny the offer in repulse] Suit yourself.

[Goes back into her room, Rita is still revolted, but Lynn Sr. gets an idea]

Lynn Sr.: Wait, wait, wait, wait, maybe she's on to something, what if we did put in a second bathroom? One that's just for us? I mean, come on, we're adults, we deserve it.

Rita: Uh, no, that will never work. The kids will just take it over. Remember when we got that adjustable bed, just for us?

[Flashback to the Loud siblings on said bed in their parents room]

Lincoln: And liftoff! [Pushes the button on the remote]

[The siblings started bouncing up and down on the bed when Lisa flies out the window, lands on the ground, and the adjustable bed is broken]

Lisa: I'm okay!

[They looked at their parents with annoyed looks on their faces, end flashback]

Lynn Sr.: [Acknowledging that] Yeah, you're right, but, what if they didn't know about it? We could build in the basement, or the attic.

Rita: Or our closet. [She and Lynn Sr. start liking the idea] Wait, we're talking about lying to our own children, do we really want to do that?

[Lynn Jr. has finished doing her business and gestures to her parents that the bathroom is all theirs, or rather what's left of it]

Lynn Sr. and Rita: [Seeing the waste dump that was the family bathroom] Yes we do.

[Later that day, Lana and Lola are playing in the yard, Lana making mud pies, and Lola ribbon dancing. Rita and Lynn Sr. sneak behind the tree with construction equipment, check to see that the twins weren't looking and sneak closer to the house. They stop at the front door when they see Leni coming out, she doesn't notice them, and they slip inside. They give each other a thumbs up, but Lori comes in accidentally hitting them with the front door while she is on her phone]

Lori: Miguel and Todd are literally so annoying.

[She doesn't even see her parents drop to the floor in pain. Later, in the living room, Lincoln is watching ARGGH! while Lisa and Laney are reading]

Hunter Spector: I feel an eerie presence, time to rev up my ghost containment device.

[Hunter pulls out a vacuum cleaner like device and starts sucking at a hole in the floor, while action music starts playing]

Rita: Oh, you guys watching ARGGH!? Fun, but how can you even hear it?

Laney: Uh, I think we can hear it just fi- [Rita maximizes the volume, causing Lincoln and Lisa to cover their ears]

Lisa: [Over the loud music] MOTHER! THAT'S TOO LOUD! IT'S AGGRAVATING MY TINNITUS!

Laney: [Over the loud music] WHAT!?

[Rita places earphones on Lisa and Laney and goes into her room, she gives Lynn Sr. a thumbs up and the two strap on their goggles, Lynn takes a crowbar, hands Rita a sledge hammer, and the two start ripping out the back wall of their closet]

Laney: [Takes off headphones] DO YOU GUYS HEAR ANY SMASHING!?

Lincoln: [Over the loud music] WHAT?!

Laney: [Over the loud music] I SAID DO YOU GUYS HEAR ANY SMASHING!?

Lisa: [Over the loud music] I DON'T SEE ANY FLASHING!

Laney: [Over the loud music] NOT FLASHING! SMASHING!

Lincoln: [over the loud music] WHAT!?

Laney: [Over the loud music] SMASH- Oh, forget it...

Lincoln: [Over the loud music] WHAT!?

Laney: [Over the loud music] I SAID FORGET IT!

Lisa: [Over the loud music] YES, I AM FASCINATED BY YETIS!

[Later, Laney was walking into the kitchen rubbing her head]

Laney: Oh.. That loud music made my head hurt. That might be the loudest episode of ARGGH! I've ever watched. Hey Lynn, do we have any punch left? [Opens the fridge]

[Meanwhile, Lynn Sr. comes out of the closet stuffing the debris into his pants, he awkwardly walks out of the room, through the kitchen, and into Lynn Jr and Laney]

Lynn: Hey, dad. [Lynn Sr. shrieks in surprise, sees the debris starting to drop, and readjusts it, much to Lynn's confusion] Are you okay?

Laney: You're pants look funny.

Lynn Sr.: Oh, yeah, just a little stiff in the joints, [readjusts the rubble] not gettin' any younger.

[Awkwardly smiles, but Lynn Jr. gets what he's implying]

Laney: Stiff joints don't look that lumpy.

Lynn: Must be really stiff joints. [To Lynn Sr] You just need an adjustment, [cracking her knuckles] come here.

Lynn Sr.: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I can, uh, I can walk it off.

[Starts awkwardly walking out the backdoor. Laney starts to look suspicious. Once he's out he let's out a sigh of relief, buries the debris, pulls some piping out of the van, lets out another sigh of relief, and walks back into the kitchen, his pants even bulkier than before. He, Laney, and Lynn Jr. exchange awkward glances, and he awkwardly starts walking back to his room, pipes clanging, much to Lynn Jr. and Laney's concern]

Lynn: Dad, it sounds like you're getting worse, you gotta let me help you.

Lynn Sr. Na, no, no, no, no, I'm just dehydrated. [Drinks out of the flowerpot on the table, scoffs the flowers down with it, causing him to choke a little] Y'see, much better.

[Awkwardly walks back to his room, much to Lynn Jr. and Laney's confusion and disturbance]

Laney: Is it me, or is dad acting weird?

Lynn: Yeah, those stiff joints really messing him up.

Laney: I'm pretty sure those aren't stiff joints, Lynn.

Lynn: Well, what else could it be?

Laney: Well, it looked like he was stuffing something down his pants.

Lynn: Now you're acting weird, Laney. Why would dad stuff something down his pants? He just needs to give those stiff joints a rest.

Laney: You may think that dad's acting fine, but I think I'll sleep better once I find out what exactly he's up to...

[Later that night, Luna is in her bed, snoring away, when her father comes in, with the cowbell in his hand]

Lynn Sr.: Hey, Lunes. Lets jamma-lamma-ding-dong!

[Starts playing, Luna wakes up, not in the mood for a jam session]

Luna: Pops, I'm trying to catch some Z's, I got school tomorrow.

[Lies back down and tries to go back to sleep]

Lynn Sr.: Come on, which is more important? School, or rock and roll?

Luna: [Waking back up, now interested] Well, when you put it that way.

[Takes her axe from her father, jumps down from her bed, and the two start rocking out. Meanwhile, Laney has trouble sleeping due to all the loud noise Luna and dad are making. Laney groans and she walks out of her room and into Luna's]

Laney: Have you two lost your minds?! It's 1 AM! People are trying to sleep!

[Meanwhile, down in the parents bedroom, Rita hears the noise, and starts readjusting the pipes]

[Later, Lola comes downstairs, timid, and knocks on her parents door]

Lola: Mommy, Daddy, I had a nightmare, I wanna sleep in your bed.

[Rita and Lynn Sr. are carrying a toilet, and wearing head lamps, they grow nervous]

Rita: What do we do?

Lynn Sr.: I got this. [They put the toilet down and Lynn Sr. jumps out the window] I'm okay.

Lola: Let me in. What are you doing in there?

Lynn Sr.: [From behind Lola] Hey, [Lola jumps and screams] you need to sleep in your own bed, honey.

Lola: [Confused and scared] How did you get out here? [Suspiciously] And why are you wearing that weird hat?

Lynn Sr.: Shh, it's all a dream.

[Lynn Sr. drags Lola back to her bed, while she is even more confused. Laney looks from the stairway]

Laney: [to herself] First the loud noises, the "stiff joints", and now this? They always let Lola in when she has a nightmare. That's it! I need get to the bottom of this!

[The next day, two vans and a pick up truck are parked outside the Loud House, five workers are inside]

Rita: Okay guys, let's go through this one more time, Sammie and Whitney you need to finish the plumbing hook up so Kevin can close up the wall, Mike, you tie in to the junction box while Karla primes the ceiling. [Karla gestures in agreement] Everybody good?

[Everybody nods, but suddenly a few complications arise]

Lincoln [From outside] I call the T.V. remote.

Lana: [Also from outside] No way!

Lola: [From outside] Me!

Lynn Sr.: Ah! The kids.

Lisa: [As she, Lincoln, Lucy, Lana, and Lola walk in] No, I call dibs on the remote.

[They notice something odd. Rita, Lynn Sr. and the five workers on the floor, reading]

Lynn Sr.: [Looks up from his book] Kids, hey, what are you doing home from school so early?

Lincoln: [Annoyed] Ask Lisa.

Lisa: [Scoffs] One little nuclear accident and everybody over reacts.

Lana: What's going on here?

Rita: [Nervous] It's our, uh, uh, new book club.

Lisa: [Looking at the book her father is reading] The Itsy Bitsy Spider? What's to discuss about a spider who's washed down a spout then goes back up again?

Lynn Sr.: Shh! Lisa, spoiler. [Laney looks from outside the door. And sneaks through the front yard]

Lincoln: [Off-screen] Hey, has anyone seen Laney?

[Laney sneaks to the back and looks through their parents' room window. And sees the bed filled with pipes and rubble. She also sees Her parents and the workers working on the closet]

Laney: What are they doing to their closet? Hmm... This needs some further investigation... [Leaves]

[Later that night]

Lynn Sr.: I can't believe we pulled this off.

Rita: Me neither.

[Rita turns the tub on, and lets her bubble bath fill, Lynn Sr. brushes his teeth, Rita files her nails, and Lynn Sr. does a crossword puzzle while Rita takes her bath]

Rita: [Relaxed sigh] No filthy bathtub ring, no banging on the door, [sinks lower] this must be what heaven is like.

Lynn Sr.: I'm doing a crossword puzzle, on the toilet, just 'cause I can, I am so glad we did this.

Rita: Me too, honey, and it's all ours.

[They smile at each other]

[The next day, everyone's getting ready for school]

Lynn Sr.: Come on kids! We're running late!

Rita: [At the door handing out lunches] Everybody out! Let's go! Let's go!

[Realizes she's out of lunches. Everyone load up in Vanzilla, Lynn Sr. looks in the mirror and realizes something]

Lynn Sr.: Wait a minute, where's Lana?

Lori: I'll get her.

[Leaves Vanzilla, and goes back into the house to find Lana digging through the couch]

Lana: Ugh, where'd it go?

Lori: Lana, What are you doing?

Lana: I can't find my lucky chicken bone.

Lori: A. That's literally gross. B. You're gonna make everyone late.

[Lori drags, a very sad Lana, out the door. Once Charles sees that they're gone, he breaks into the parents secret bathroom, and regurgitates Lana's chicken bone onto the carpet]

[Later, Rita is in the secret bathroom]

Rita: Dr. Feinstein gave us new toothbrushes as a bathroom warming present, wasn't that thoughtful.

Lynn Sr.: [Acknowledging Rita's tone of voice] Honey, secret bathroom voice.

Rita: Oh, right. [Drops the toothbrush] Whoops. [Bends over to pick it up, but suddenly sees Lana's lucky chicken bone] Lynn.

Lynn Sr.: [Pops in] What's wrong?

Rita: Look what I found on the floor, Lana's lucky chicken bone.

Lynn Sr.: A. That's gross. B. It means they're on to us, they've been sneaking in here behind our backs.

Rita: Fine, our secret bathroom may not be a secret anymore, but it's still ours, we'll just have to lay down the law with them.

Lynn Sr.: Absolutely. [They picture it going down] Sorry guys, but you just can't use the new-

[Before he can finish the kids trample them, rampage into the new bathroom, and start fighting, Lisa getting thrown out. End of fantasy]

Rita: On second thought.

Lynn Sr.: Yeah, I've got a better idea, security measures. [Later, Lynn Sr. is installing a lock on the door] That'll show those little sneaks. [Right before he closes the door, Cliff hops in, hides behind the toilet, looks around, and starts playing with the toilet paper roll. Later Lynn Sr. returns, and gasps] Rita, look at this.

Rita: Must be Lynn, she's always way to aggressive with the roll, [Cliff sneaks out] but how did she get in?

Lynn Sr. These kids are like master safe crackers, what was I thinking, just using one lock?

[The next day, he is closing the extra locks they installed]

Lincoln: [From outside the room] Dad, we're gonna be late for school.

Lynn Sr.: [Nervously stutters] Just a second, buddy. [Closes the last lock] Let's see 'em get past that.

[Walks away. Meanwhile, in the twins bedroom, Hops is trying to catch a fly, he grapples himself into the vents, which leads into the parents secret bathroom, he falls in the toilet, leaving a ring of water, the fly heads back into the vents with Hops in pursuit, leaving the ring of water for the parents to find later]

Rita: Dang it.

Lynn Sr.: [Appalled] Lincoln, that kid always forgets to put the seat up.

Rita: [Ready to throw in the towel] Let's face it, honey, they win.

Lynn Sr.: [Determined] No way.

Rita: What else can we do? Your security measures obviously aren't working.

Lynn Sr.: Maybe not, but I'm just getting started. [Later, Lynn Sr. is showing Rita his newest security measures] There is no way they can get past this, surveillance camera, motion sensor, and check this out, [presses a remote, activating a laser field] lasers, Rita, lasers, and just in case they do get in, [presses part of the wall on the inside of the bathroom, revealing a security panel] I've installed a security panel on the inside.

[Activates the panel]

Electronic Voice: System lock, engaged.

Lynn Sr.: So they won't get out.

Rita: [Pumped] We'll catch 'em with their pants down, [realizes what she just said] so to speak.

[They start maniacally laughing, and high five each other]

[Later, that evening. Laney was watching TV when she heard the sound of a shower running]

Laney: Huh? [Laney walks upstairs to the bathroom but no one was there] No one's using this bathroom? But where else is that sound coming from?

[In the secret bathroom, Lynn Sr. Is shaving, while Rita takes a shower]

Lynn Sr.: How's the water pressure, honey?

Rita: Great, I'm loving waterfall mode.

[Lynn Sr. wipes off the shaving gel, and attempts to leave, forgetting that the door is locked]

Lynn Sr.: Whoops, forgot about my kid trap. [Punches some numbers into the keypad, but the panel returns "ERROR INCORRECT"] Uh, hon, do you remember the door code?

Rita: [Pops her head out of the shower] Uh, Uh-uh, you said it was one of the kids birthdays.

Lynn Sr.: I know, but, but which kid? [Punches in more codes, only for the panel to return another message, which Lynn Sr. reads out loud] "To many password attempts, access blocked"? Rita, I need your help, I locked us in.

Rita: What? Hold on. [Attempts to turn the shower off, only for the handle to break off, increasing the water flow] Uh, Lynn.

[Water starts flowing out of the tub, filling up the room, Rita puts her robe on and joins Lynn Sr.]

Lynn Sr.: Wow, you weren't kidding about that water pressure.

Rita: [Pulling out a toothbrush] Maybe I can pry the door open with this toothbrush. [Tries, but the brush breaks, much to Rita's aggravation] Oh, thanks for nothing, Feinstein! [Lynn Sr. tries the vents] Honey, wait, don't forget we wired the vents.

[Lynn Sr. gets electrocuted and falls into the water, he pops back up]

Lynn Sr.: Dang it, forget about that security measure.

Rita: What are we gonna do?!

[Realizing that they're only other option was drowning. The parents hear a knock at the door]

Laney: Hello?

Rita: Laney? Is that you sweetie?

Laney: Yes. What's going on in there?

Lynn Sr.: Uh, it's a little hard to explain...

Rita: Just go get the kids!

Laney: Not until you tell me what were you two doing in here for the last two days!

Lynn Sr.: No time to explain! Just go get the others! Hurry! [Laney runs upstairs]

[Everyone races downstairs, Lana comes out of the bathroom, with toilet paper stuck to her shoe, grabs Lily, and follows the others, they enter the parents bedroom, and find it empty]

Laney: Huh?

Luna: Mom? Pops?

Rita: [From inside the closet] Help, we're locked in.

Lincoln: [Confused, as are the rest of his sisters] What are you doing in your closet?

Laney: That's what I was trying to find out!

Luan: Maybe they're just hangin'! [Laughs, and Lisa grows suspicious]

Lisa: Uh, why the preponderance of security devices?

Lynn Sr. Never mind that. Just get us out, break the door down if you have to.

Lynn: Now you're talkin'. [Runs out, grabs the hat stand, while her siblings get out of the way] Gang way! For honor! [Lets out a war cry as she battering rams the door, which breaks open, Rita and Lynn Sr. flowing out with the water]

Lori: [Slightly repulsed] Why is there water in your closet?

Leni: [Looking into the closet, and following up on what Lori was asking] Why is there a bathroom in your closet?

[The other siblings look, and see the secret bathroom, and the parents realize something]

Lynn Sr.: Uh, you, you didn't know about it?

[The kids confirm that they didn't]

Laney: Actually, I was kinda suspicious.

Lola: Uh, care to explain?

Rita: We didn't want to wait in line anymore, so we built our own bathroom and we kept it a secret from you guys, which was wrong.

Lynn Sr.: Yeah, we're always telling you kids to be patient and wait your turn, and here we cheated the system and put ourselves first, [lets out a deep sigh] we're really sorry.

Laney: So that's why you two were so secretive? But why did you keep it from us?

Lynn Sr.: Well, you see. You guys kinda have a history of breaking our stuff. We thought if we told you guys about it you would ruin it just like all the others.

Laney: But dad, we wouldn't break it. Would we guys?

[The kids agree with Laney]

Rita: Well, thanks kids. To make it up to you, you guys can use the new bathroom, anytime.

Luan: [Taking a second look] Too bad there isn't much of a bathroom to use anymore.

Lana: [Checking out the damage] Nah, you can fix it, you just need a new subfloor and retiling. [Something falls] And a total re-pipe.

Lynn Sr.: Uh, there's no money left, I spent it all on the security system.

[He and Rita look very sad]

Laney: Oh, don't be sad. You're free to use our original bathroom anytime. Right, guys.

[They all nod in agreement, Rita and Lynn Sr. look at each other]

Lynn Sr.: Even if we are going back to one bathroom, we sure have some ding dang terrific kids.

[Family hug]

[The next morning, Rita and Lynn Sr. are racing up the stairs again]

Rita: Fish market emergency?

Lynn Sr.: Nope, I just really have to go.

[Beats her up the stairs only to see the line]

Lynn: Hey, Pops.

Laney: Sorry, guys. You're gonna have to wait your turn.

Lynn Sr.: [Panicky] Ah! there's no time! [Desperately tries to hold it, but in the end, he can't take it and runs into Lana's room] Lana, where's Old Sloshie?!

Laney: [sighs] So much for patience...


	96. Fandom Pains

**Fandom Pains**

It was a dark autumn night in Franklin Avenue. The kind of dark that Lucy enjoys. And on a night as grim as this there's nothing Lucy likes more than watching her favorite show.

[Lucy and Edwin are getting ready to watch their favorite show]

Spooky TV Announcer: You're watching Fright TV, up next, the season premiere of Vampires of Melancholia.

Lucy: This is it, Edwin. A whole new season of our favorite show, can't wait to watch it, just you and me.

[Laney walks in with a bowl of popcorn]

Laney: You know, Lucy. I wasn't quite sure about this show. But I love how artisitcally tortured these vampires are.

You're probably wondering why would Laney watch a show about vampires? Well, after the day Lucy tried to use spells to get back at the other siblings. Laney has been spending time watching VoM with Lucy, and has grown to be rather facinated by vampires. She even thought about going as a vampire for Halloween.

Lucy: Thank you, Laney. It's so nice to have someone in this house who appreciates my passions.

[Just then Lori and Leni appear out of nowhere]

Lori: Hey, Luce.

Leni: Scoot over.

Lucy: [Frightened, jumps and yelps]

Laney: Oh, hey guys. You here to watch too?

Leni: Yeah! We wouldn't want to miss an episode VoM!

Lucy: First, please don't call it that, second, you guys have never been interested in my show, why are you-?

[Before she can finish, Lori and Leni climb over her to look at the screen]

Lori and Leni: Ah! There he is!

[On screen, a taxi pulls up in front of the castle, and Blake Bradley comes out]

Blake/Tristan: Woah, this place looks sick.

Lori and Leni: [Giggling screams] Blake Bradley!

Lucy and Laney: Who?

Lori: [Picks Lucy up] Duh, literally the cutest actor ever.

Leni: [Taking Lucy from Lori] Didn't you know he was gonna be a new character on VoM?

Laney: Did you know he was going to be a new character on VoM?

Lucy: [Gets herself down] DON'T CALL IT THAT!

Blake/Tristan: Yo! Anybody home?

Lori: [Sighs] Why is he literally so dreamy?

[The show changes scenes from Tristan calling for someone, to Edwin coming out]

Leni: Yikes, who's that creepy guy?

Lucy: That's Edwin, the main character.

Blake/Tristan: H-Hey, Uncle Eddie.

Edwin: Tristan, my great-great-great-great grand nephew, this is a surprise.

Laney: Grand nephew?

Blake/Tristan: Looking good, are you sure you're really three hundred?

Edwin: What brings you to Melancholia?

Blake/Tristan: Just thought I'd crash at casa creepy for a while.

Edwin: Well, I must confess, I'm not really custom to sharing my castle with mortals.

Blake/Tristan: No worries bro, I can hang with anyone, now bring it in. Bro hug.

[Hugs his great-great-great-great grand uncle, much to Edwin's discomfort]

Lori: [Sighs] So gorge.

Leni: You can just tell, he'd be a great boyfriend.

Lucy: [From underneath Lori and Leni] What is happening?

[Tristan and Edwin walk upstairs, Edwin stops to look at a picture of Griselda]

Edwin: Sigh.

Lori: Wait, who's she?

Lucy: Griselda, the other main character, she's on a quest to the underworld right now, if you guys had watched the show from the beginning you'd-

Leni: [Cutting Lucy off] Why are her teeth all pointy? Wait, his teeth are pointy too.

Laney: Seriously?

Lucy: [Jumps up in between her sisters] Because they're vampires.

[Slightly less than an hour later, the end credits are playing]

Spooky TV Announcer: Tune in next week, for more Vampires of Melancholia.

Lori: [Sighs] That was literally amazing.

Leni: Totes, this is definitely gonna be our new Friday night thing, Lori, me, you and VoM.

[Lori rubs Lucy's hair as she and Leni head upstairs.]

Lucy: It's "Vampires of Melancholia"! [Sighs, and picks up Edwin]

Laney: I know it wasn't the perfect night to watch your favorite show with Lori and Leni but-

Lucy: It was horrible! That pretty boy was ruining the show! I had to suffer through those two ogling at him for almost an hour!

Laney: Well, I agree. That Blake Bradley character isn't exactly my favorite character either. I'm sure he'll be dead after two seasons. But, anyway. Lori and Leni have taken a shine to your favorite show. Like I was when I first watched it. It was scary for me at first but I faced my fear and grew to like it.

Lucy: Is this going anywhere?

Laney: Yes. I'm saying you should try to get Lori and Leni more acquainted to the show like you did for me. I'm sure if they knew what "Vampires of Meloncholia" was all about, they would change their tunes. [Lucy gets an idea]

Lucy: That's it, Laney! I know just what to do...

[A week later, Lori is marking off the calendar]

Lori: How excited are you for tonight's episode?

[Goes to help Leni with the dishes]

Leni: So excited, according to rumors on social media, Tristan's going to turn the dungeon into a gym. Tristan working out, can you even?

[They sigh dreamily]

Lucy: [Groans] Let's hope this works guys. [Places Edwin on the table, takes a deep breath, and goes over to Lori and Leni] Hey guys, now that we're all, um, 'VoM heads', you have to join us in all of the super fun pre-show rituals.

Lori: Rituals?

Laney: Yeah, you know. It's what all true vampire fans do before and episdode of VoM. Since you guys are new to the show we thought it would be great if you know how we prepare for a new episode.

Lucy: Yes, you guys are going to love them. [She dawns an evil grin. Later, the bathroom wall is covered with pictures of vampires] First, you have to look the part, with a full vampire makeover.

Leni: [Observes the photos] Eww, do we have to look so sickly?

Laney: Because vampires always look pale because there undead.

Leni: Ew! I hate dead guys!

Lucy: Well, it's a really important part of watching the show, but if you're not in to it and you'd just go back to watching "The Dream Boat".

Lori: Don't be ridiculous. Come on, Leni. It'll be good contouring practice, [picks up one of the photos] Look how much their cheekbones pop.

Leni: [Gasps] Good point.

[Lucy growls. Later, just as Leni and Lori are finishing up, Lori gets an idea]

Lori: Wait, [runs out of the bathroom, walks back in, scares Leni by wearing fangs, and giggles] Halloween leftovers!

[Leni giggles, and Lori shoves a pair into her mouth, then a pair of fangs appear in Lucy's mouth]

Laney: Nice, guys! You actually look like vampires.

Leni: [Pointing at her teeth, and speaking in a Transylvanian accent] Look, I'm Tristan's weird old uncle.

Laney: Uh, it's Edwin.

[Lucy covers Edwin's eyes. Later, they're all in the living room]

Lucy: Next, you have to see the world from a vampire's perspective.

[Lori and Leni look at each other in confusion, later...]

Lori: Uh, this is giving me a migraine.

[They are revealed to be hanging upside down like bats]

Laney: Yeah, it didn't go well with me either. But this how we vampires hang. [laughs] Get it?

Lucy: Don't you go Luan on me.

Leni: I don't know, guys. All this is giving me a headache. [Lucy smiles, but it disappears when Leni gasps in excitement] Wait, is that my missing jelly sandal under the couch? [Falls down, landing on her head, and checks under the couch finding her sandal] Wahoo!

Lori: [Joining Leni] And my missing ring.

Leni: [Gasps, and reaches under the couch, finding two dolls that looked remarkably like her and Lori] And Lucy, I found your creepy dolls.

Laney: Hey, aren't those your vood-

Lucy: [Angrily takes the dolls] Give me those!

Leni: We should def do this every week, we'll never lose anything again.

Lucy: [Face palms herself] Sigh. [Later that evening] Next, you have to watch the show as a vampire would, in one of these. [gestures to an array of coffins on the floor, they all get in one]

Lori: [Holding her sore back] Uh, this provides zero lumbar support.

Leni: [Holding her own sore back] It's also really hard on your back.

Lori: I cannot spend a whole hour in this.

[Lucy dawns a fangy smile, but it soon disappears, when Leni gets an idea]

Leni: Wait, I know, [races off, and soon returns] decorative throw pillows, they'll add support, [throws the pillows to Lori and on Lucy and Laney] and a little zhuzh.

Laney: Wow. This makes it way more comfortable.

Lori: Ooh, and we can use the lid to make a fun TV tray.

[Lucy's jaw drops in disbelief]

Lucy: Wait, there's still one more ritual. [Runs off, and returns with a pitcher of homemade blood] This is an absolute must, toasting every new episode with a refreshing glass of homemade blood.

Leni: [Horrified, along with Lori] Eww! [Lucy pours Leni a glass] I don't know if I can handle this.

[Tries to prevent herself from barfing]

Lucy: I get that, it's not easy being a fan of this show, I'll understand if you guys wanna bail.

Lori: Wait, [runs off, turns on the blender, and returns with new drinks] beet smoothies, they look just like blood, but now they're delicious and full of antioxidants. Yay.

Laney: Uh, I'll pass on those smoothies.

Leni: Cheers.

Lucy: Sigh.

[Leni, Lori, and Lucy toast their cups]

Lori: Ooh, ooh, it's starting.

[Kills the lights. The episode begins with Edwin writing a letter to Griselda]

Edwin: My darling Griselda, how I wish you were here to help me endure this visit from my boorish nephew, he actually asked me if I was a I was a boxers or briefs man.

[Hears crashing sounds coming from the dungeon, goes to check and is shocked that Tristan turned it into a gym]

Tristan: [Playing corn hole] Oh yeah! Yo, Uncle Eddie, wanna play some corn hole.

Edwin: What happened to my castle?!

Tristan: I redecorated it, bro. Put some boom in your gloom, and look, I got you a lid so we can match in the thatch, now how about a selfie with your favorite nephew.

Edwin: I told you, I don't show up in these.

[Tristan takes the selfie, and looks at it, realizing that]

Tristan: Oh right, my bad.

[The episode ends, Lori and Leni dreamily sighing, Lucy growling in annoyance]

Lori: [rubbing Lucy's hair as she and Leni head upstairs] Good times, Luce. Can't wait for next week. [Lucy groans]

Laney: Yeah, I know. Tristan is really becoming a bother. It's like he doesn't respect at all!

Lucy: Exactly! Ugh! I've been trying to drive Lori and Leni out of watching this show!

Laney: What? Why would you want to do that?

Lucy: Because all they care about is this meathead mortal! Who is ruining the show! Just like Lori and Leni are ruining my nights for me!

Laney: Well, that's true. But what can we do? It's not like we can get rid of this guy. [Lucy gets another idea]

Lucy: Maybe we can... [Evil laugh]

Laney: I've got to stop giving her ideas.

[The next day Lucy is holding a Morticians Club meeting]

Lucy: This emergency meeting of The Young Morticians Club is now called to order. I have a favor to ask, you guys watch Vampires of Melancholia right?

[The other club members exchange glances]

Haiku: Eh, Not since Tristan's been on it.

[The other members stutter in agreement, Lucy is pleased with this]

Lucy: How would you like to help me get rid of him? [Later, Lucy and the Morticians Club are going door to door with petitions, Lucy knocks on one person's door]

Lucy: Hi, I'm collecting signatures to remove Blake Bradley from Vampires of Melancholia. Would you sign? [Later, she and the other club members meet up to compare progress] Okay, pretty good guys, we got forty-five signatures and fifteen pieces of candy from people who thought we were trick-or-treaters.

[Lucy and Haiku smile at each other]

Lucy and Haiku: Goth perks.

[Back at the school]

Lucy: Okay, did everyone finish their protest letters to the studio?

Haiku: Mines a poem. Should we take these to the post office?

Lucy: No, that'll take too long, I have a better idea. [The Morticians Club strap their letters to a swarm of bats] You know what to do Fangs, [petting her bat] and no biting.

[Haiku opens the window, and the bats fly]

[That Friday night, Lucy and Edwin are getting ready]

Lucy: This is it, Edwin. Time to see if our protests were heard.

Laney: Do you really think your petitions will work, Lucy.

Lucy: It has to work.

Lori and Leni: [Prancing into the living room with their beet smoothies, their vampire faces, and wearing pink t-shirts] Who's ready for some VoM?

Lori: Check out the shirts we made, 'TEAM TRISTAN'.

Leni: Don't worry, we made team Edwin shirts for you guys.

[Leni places a black t-shirt on Edwin, and Lori hands the other two to Lucy and Laney]

Laney: Thanks, Leni. [Takes the shirt, on the show, Edwin and Tristan are eating dinner]

Tristan: Great grub, Uncle Eddie, but you got any garlic for these fries?

Edwin: Garlic?! Are you serious?

Tristan: Guess that's a neg. Hey, how 'bout we burn off these carbs with a port meal workout?

Edwin: What?! [Suddenly thinks of something] Or instead of a workout, eh, how about we walk along the misty, slippery, cliffs of Melancholia?

Leni: Mmm, cardio, this should be fun.

Lucy: Yes, it should.

[Evil grin]

Tristan: Dude, this mist is like a built in airbrush filter.

Edwin: [Pretending to care] Careful, Tristan. The cliffs.

Tristan: [Walking backwards with his camera phone] It's cool Uncle Eddie, just gotta take this self- [falls off the cliff] iiiiieeeeeeee...!

[Edwin smiles as Tristan falls to his demise]

Lori and Leni: [Shocked and upset] What?! Tristan! No!

[The two hold each other, teary eyed]

Lucy: [Pretending to be upset] Oh no, not Tristan, the horror.

Leni: [Still sobbing, along with Lori] He was so young, and so cute!

Lori: How could VoM do this?! Sorry Lucy, I literally can't even deal right now!

[She and Leni run upstairs, crying]

Laney: Wow, Lucy. I guess your protest really did work.

Lucy: Yes. Our voices were heard, should we celebrate with some early halloween candy? [Pulls out three fun-sized candies]

Laney: Um, thanks... [Laney looks up at the stairway and sighs]

[A week later, Lucy marks off the calendar]

Spooky TV Announcer: And now, an all new episode of Vampires of Melancholia.

Lucy: [Happily sighs] Blissful solitude at last.

Laney: [sighs] Yeah. I guess so.

Lucy: Why are you so sad? You should be celebrating! Tristan is gone and so is Lori and Leni.

Laney: Yeah, I'm glad that Tristan is gone. But I'm not so glad that Lori and Leni aren't watching with us anymore.

Lucy: What do you mean? All they care about is halfwit hunk who desecrates Edwin's family name.

Laney: I know. But it was so much fun having them around to watch the show with. Just like it was fun just sharing it with you when I first got into the show.

Lucy: Don't worry, Laney. We can enjoy our show without them. Oh! It's starting!

[The episode starts. Edwin is eating dinner]

Edwin: Why does something feel amiss? No more selfies, or protein shakes, or dreaded bro hugs, and yet I feel a twinge of remorse. [Lucy looks at her bust of Edwin with disbelief] Yes, Tristan could be a bit of a fool, and his home gym did ruin my marble floors, but he meant well, after all, he just wanted to spend time with, family, [puts on the hat Tristan gave him] and I drove him to his demise.

Lucy: Gasp. [looks at the shirt Lori and Leni made for her] And I am a cold, selfish, sister.

[Edwin runs to the cliffs where Tristan fell]

Edwin: Tristan! I'm sorry! Forgive me, Tristan!

[Edwin cries over what he did, followed by Lucy, who wipes the tears off her face.]

Laney: Wow. I never saw it like that. No wonder Edwin misses him. Tristan just wanted to spend time with his family. [sniffs] Kinda like...

Lucy: Lori and Leni wanted to spend time with us! Laney, Edwin. I know it's too late to get Tristan back, but maybe it's not too late for my sisters. [Pauses the show and goes to Lori and Leni's bedroom] Lori? Leni? [Sees that they're not there] I guess it is too late, I blew it. [Walks over to the stairs] Sigh. [Walks down the stairs, and sees the door being unlocked, Lori and Leni walk in with paper grocery bags]

Lori: [To Leni] So, Lisa wanted my used tissues and-

Lucy: Gasp. Lori, Leni, will you please watch Vampires of Melancholia with me? I know you probably don't want to now that Tristan's gone, the truth is, I just wanna hang out with you guys.

Laney: [Enters] Me too.

Lori: Of course we'll watch, Tristan may have been the reason we got into the show, but the reason we stayed is because its been so much fun, sharing it with you guys.

Leni: Yeah, in fact, we were just at the store getting vampire themed snacks for tonight. [Reaches into her bag] I got garlic bread, is that right?

Laney: Actually, garlic is- [Lucy covers Laney's mouth]

Lucy: It's perfect. Come on.

[Runs to the TV. Later she three are enjoying their garlic bread, while Edwin eats his dinner, suddenly there is a knock at his door]

Edwin: Who could that be? A wandering traveler? A door to door salesman?

[Opens the door to find, a very pale, Tristan. Lori, Leni, Laney, and Lucy's jaws drop in surprise]

Tristan: What's up, Uncle Eddie?

[Tristan hugs his very confused uncle]

Edwin: Tristan? You're back, but how? [Griselda walks in the door] Griselda? You're back too?

Griselda: We crossed paths in the underworld, bringing him back with me was a snap, well, more of a bite.

[They both show their fangs, revealing that Tristan is now a vampire, too]

Lori: [In union with Leni] Yay! Tristan!

Leni: [In union with Lori] Yes! Ah!

Laney: Wow, Lucy. I guess your protest didn't work after all.

Lucy: Yes, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm glad.

Leni: Am I crazy? Or is Tristan even cuter as a vampire?

Lucy: Well, the fangs do help.

[Lori and Leni hug Lucy and Laney, who smiles and hugs them back as the episode irises out.]


	97. ORIGINAL EPISDODE: This Bites

**This Bites**

One night in the Loud House was like any other night. Except for Lucy getting ready to watch her favoritre spooky show: "Vampires of Meloncholia".

Spooky TV Announcer: You're watching Fright TV, up next, Vampires of Melancholia.

Lucy: This is it Edwin. Just two more episodes to the season finale of "Vampires of Meloncholia". Finally you're gonna teach that stupid werewolf duke not come on to your loved one.

[The episode starts in the graveyard where Griselda is seen with a werewolf in a formal suit]

Edwin: Griselda, please. I know you're just only doing this to make me jealous.

Griselda: It's not that, Edwin. It's just that Chesterfield is just so.. different from other werewolves.

Edwin: He's only using you my love! Chesterfield's just a filthy hound!

Chesterfield: How dare you! I've come from a long line of purebred werewolves!

Edwin: You don't deserve her!

Chesterfield: I'll fight you for her! [Edwin hisses at him]

[Just then, Laney came down the stairs into the kitchen to get a drink. As she was pouring she heard Lucy's TV show]

Laney: Huh? What was that? [She walked over to the living room] Uh, hey Lucy. What are you watching?

Lucy: Vampires of Melancholia. My favorite show. [Laney sees the show and looks on nervously]

Laney: Umm... What are they doing?

Lucy: Edwin is fighting with the werewolf duke Chesterfield for stealing his soulmate, Griselda.

[Edwin and Chsterfield continue fighting for Griselda. Laney looks on as the battle gets uglier and she grows terrified. Edwin and Chesterfield are both beaten up with their clothes torn]

Chesterfield: Face it, Edwin! Griselda belongs with me!

Edwin: YOU'RE WRONG! GRISELDA'S MY SOULMATE! I WILL MAKE YOU BLEED!

[Laney was horrified at what she saw]

Lucy: You tell him, Edwin! Laney, i'm so glad that you're liking this.. [sees that Laney's gone] Laney?

[Laney was seen shaking in fear after seeing Lucy's show.]

Laney: [scared] It's okay, Laney. Vampires aren't real, and neither are werewolves... It's just a TV show... just keep saying that and you'll be... [Sees the Edwin bust] DAAAH! L-L-L-Lucy? Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-You left your b-b-b-b-b-bust... [Lucy climbs up Laney's bunk and takes her bust]

Lucy: Sorry, Laney. I must've left him while I was washing the dishes. So what did you think of the show?

Laney: It's... was great. [nervously smiles] Really like that Edwin character...

Lucy: Oh, I'm so glad you're on Team Edwin. You know there's another show starting next week. You can watch with me if you're interested.

Laney: S-S-S-Sounds great and not scary at all. I'll be there.

Lucy: Cool. Goodnight. [Climbs down and goes to sleep]

Laney shivered as she continued to think about the things she saw on Lucy's show. All the terrifying vampires and werewolves and other scary things maybe alright for Lucy. But not for Laney's faint of heart... In fact, those are the kind of things you see in scary nightmares...

[Laney begins to have a nightmare. She begins to hear howling and wakes up]

Laney: Huh? What was that? [She looks outside the window and sees a full moon and a silhouette of Lynn] Lynn? Is that you? [Laney walks outside and towards Lynn] What are you doing out here so la- [It reveals that Lynn looks like a total werewolf and snarled at Laney] AAAHH! Werewolf! [Lynn walked towards Laney drooling at the mouth.] St-St-St-Stay back! P-P-P-Please! [Bumps into Lana] Lana! Help! Lynn's turned into a werewolf! I think it's part dog so you get her to calm do- [It is revealed that Lana is a werewolf] AAAAHH! [Laney runs away as Werewolf Lynn chases Laney. Werewolf Lana shrugs and drags her butt on the lawn. Laney runs inside the house hyperventillates]

Rita?: [off screen] Laney? What's wrong sweetie?

Laney: [sobs] Mommy! It's horrible! Lana and Lynn are scary werewolves and they want to bite me! [Hugs Rita?]

Rita?: [Pats Laney's head] Oh, sweetie. It's okay. Those filthy hounds won't get you now...

Laney: Thanks mo- Wait. Why did you call our siblings houuuuu... [Laney looks up and is terrified to see that her mother is a menacing vampire.] AAAAAHHH! [Laney tries to run but Vampire Rita grabs her]

Vampire Rita: Please don't run, Laney. I just want a tiny bite of your delicious neck!

Laney: Please don't bite me, mommy! I don't wanna be a vampire!

Vampire Rita: Why not? It's so much better to be a vampire! You get to live for years and not age a minute!

Laney: NO! [Runs upstairs]

Vampire Rita: Get them, my children. [Vampire versions of Lori, Lola, Luan, Lucy, and Lily appear and run after Laney]

Laney: AAAAHH! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE! [Werewolf versions of Lincoln, Leni, Lynn, Lana, and Luna appear in front of her] Ah!

Werewolf Lynn: Come on, Laney. Let me bite you! You can run around and do whatever you want and you don't have wear clothes!

Laney: [Terrified] No! I prefer wearing clothes!

[The werewolves and vampires surround Laney]

Vampires: Join us...

Werewolves: Join us...

Laney: No! No! [Wakes up from her nightmare] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Lynn: Woah, Laney. What's up?

Laney: NO! I DON'T WANNA BE A WEREWOLF! [Falls down from her bunk]

Lynn: Okay, you're acting weird. [Laney looks at Lynn]

Laney: Lynn? You're not a werewolf! [sees Lucy] Aaah! Lucy's a vampire!

Lucy: No. This is how I always look. [As Lynn leaves] Laney? Is something wrong?

Laney: [sighs] Yes. Lucy... You see, I had a terrible nightmare last night and it had something to do with your show...

Lucy: It did?

Laney: Yes. All of my siblings were either werewolves or vampires.

Lucy: Please tell me I wasn't a werewolf.

Laney: No. You were a vampire.

Lucy: [fistpumps] Yes! [Laney sighs sadly]

Laney: Lucy, what am I going to do. I'm not like you, you know. I can't be cool with monsters and other scary things like you.

Lucy: No. But maybe you can be.

Laney: What do you mean?

Lucy: If you know what the show was about. Maybe you'll be less afraid of vampires and werewolves.

Laney: Do you really think you can turn me into vampire fan like you?

Lucy: Oh, yes... I'm gonna turn you into a real vampire...

[Cut to Laney and Lucy in the bathroom. Lucy was applying makeup to Laney]

Laney: Are you sure about this, Lucy?

Lucy: Just hold still... [finishes up] There! [She holds up a mirror and Laney sees that she looks pale and grey like a vampire and screams]

Laney: [Terrified] AAAH! YOU TURNED ME INTO A VAMPIRE! TURN ME BACK! TURN ME BACK!

Lucy: Laney! Calm down! I just put pale face paint on you. If you're gonna face your fear, you need to understand what vampires are all about. [Laney looks ar herself in the mirror and sees her face painted self]

Laney: Oh. Do vampires always looks so pale?

Lucy: Yes. That's because they're undead.

Laney: [frightened] Und-d-d-d-d-dead? [faints]

Lucy: Sigh. This is gonna be a lot harder than I thought...

[Cut to Lucy and Laney hanging upside down]

Laney: Uhh... why are we doing this? I feel light-headed...

Lucy: Vampires always hang upside down like this.

Laney: Wow. Actually this feels good. I like how everything's upside down.

Lucy: Now you're getting it. [Cut to Laney and Lucy in the kitchen] Now, there's one crucial thing about vampires is that they love to drink blood.

Laney: B-B-B-Blood. [Lucy pours Laney a glass of homemade blood] Um...

Lucy: Come on, Laney. You can do this. [Laney takes one sip of the blood and shudders] So what do you think?

Laney: Umm... It's okay? I guess... This isn't actual blood is it?

Lucy: No. It's just my signature homemade blood. [sighs] Unfortunately. Come on. We got more work to do.

[Cut to montage of Lucy showing Laney all about Vampires of Meloncholia. She tells Laney about Edwin and Griselda. She shows Laney how vampires dress. Laney brings out a dark cape from her chest and wears it. Lucy gives her a thumbs up. Lucy then teaches Laney how vampires act and how the sleep in coffins.]

As Lucy showed Laney all of what she knows about vampires and her show. Laney begins to shed off her fear of vampires and other scary things. In fact, she began to like the ideas of vampires. As the days go by, it was almost time for season finale of "Vampires of Meloncholia".

[Lucy marks off a day from the calendar]

Lucy: This is it, Laney. The season finale of Vampires of Meloncholia. This is where your new expertise finally pays off. You ready to face your fear?

Laney: To be honest, I'm still a bit scared. But I'll do it! [Raises a cup of homemade blood and toasts with Lucy]

Lucy: That's my sis.

Spooky TV announcer: And now the season finale of Vampires of Melancholia.

[The episode begins on a steep foggy cliff]

Griselda: How could you do this, Chesterfield?! I gave you my heart all you want to do is turn me to a werewolf like you!

Chesterfield: There's no use denying it, my love. This is the only way we'll be together forever!

Edwin: Leave her alone you stupid dog!

Griselda: Edwin!

Chesterfield: You again?! Stay out of this! [pushes Edwin away, Laney gasps]

Laney: Oh, no!

[Edwin and Chesterfield begin fighting again. Laney held on to the bust as they do this. Just then, Chesterfield punches Edwin and he falls to the ground. He picks himself up and moves towards Chesterfield holding something.]

Edwin: Hold it right, there!

Chesterfield: Why won't you stay down?! [He begins to attack Edwin. Laney tried to look away. But just then, Edwin shoved a spoon down his throat. He gags] AGH! Silver! My one weakness! [Laney looked on astonished as Chesterfield falls down the cliff] NOOOOOOOOOO! [He plummets to his doom. Laney and Lucy cheer.]

Griselda: Edwin! [She comes to her soulmate] Oh, Edwin! You saved me from a lifetime of being a flea-ridden dog forever.

Edwin: Oh, Griselda. Our souls should never be apart again. [They kiss and the episode ends. Laney claps]

Laney: Yes! Yes! Oh, that was beautiful!

Lucy: I told you, you wouldn't be so scared.

Laney: Did you see Edwin shove that spoon down Chesterfied? He know that all werewolves are weak to silver. and the part where He and his wife kiss was beautiful...

Lucy: The love between to soulmates is eternal. [Laney hugs Lucy]

Laney: Thanks for helping me with my fear Lucy. It was kinda cool hanging out with you and watching the show.

Lucy: Thanks, Laney. So, there's a new season coming up this fall. You wanna watch with me?

Laney: [Hugs Lucy again] You bet, soul sister. [Lucy smiles and hugs back]


	98. White Hare

**White Hare**

[Lincoln is in his room dressed like a cool biker gang member.]

Lincoln: [talking to the viewers] You might be wondering who's the cool guy in the Loud House. It's me, Lincoln. And I can't wait to tell you why I have this stuff on, you see... [Lincoln is interrupted by Clyde.]

Clyde: [on the walkie talkie.] Lincoln are you ready to introduce yourself to the new girl today?

Lincoln: Or Clyde can tell you [On the walkie talkie.] that's formative all set, got my threads, [camera looks at temporary tattoo] got my temporary tatt, and a list of slang I got from a teen magazine.

Clyde: That's great, buddy. But, do you really need all that? You're already cool. You jumped that puddle on your bike the other day.

Lincoln: Well the way she wears her bow in her hair, the new girl seems super cool. So I've gotta up my game.

Clyde: I hear ya, and you only get one chance to make a good first impression, if you blow this you'll have to wait for another girl to move to town, and who knows when that'll be.

Lincoln: Thank you for that added pressure.

Clyde: Don't mention it! So what's the plan?

Lincoln: I'm gonna catch her on the bus this morning so I can have some 1 on 1 time with her.

Clyde: Good thinking! You need a wingman?

Lincoln: Thanks, but there are some things a man must do alone.

Clyde: I get that, I said the same thing to my dads the first time I used a public restroom. Good luck buddy! [Gets off walkie-talkie.]

Lincoln: [gets off walkie-talkie.] And now I have just one less obstacle, to get out of the house before my sisters figure out what I'm up to.

[As Lincoln walks out of his room but is stopped by Laney]

Laney: Hey, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Aah! Oh, it's just you Laney. I can trust you...

Laney: Thanks, Lincoln. But, why do you look like an old greaser?

Lincoln: Laney, I'm using this cool outfit to impress a new girl at school. And I can't risk getting spotted by all my other sisters at a bigger risk that they might mess it up by meddling!

Laney: So you want me to help you sneak you out without your sisters knowing before they meddle up another storm?

Lincoln: You got it.

Laney: Don't worry, big bro. I got just the plan!

[Cut to the living room. Laney was walking down the stairs lifting a big cardboard box. It is revealed that Lincoln was inside of the box]

Sisters: [Off-screen] Hold it!

Laney: Oh, hey guys. What's shaking?

Lynn: Uh, why are you holding that big box?

Laney: Oh, this? This is just something made for school today.

Leni: What is it?

Laney: What is it? Uh, it's... um... a science project! Yeah, a science project!

Lisa: Really? Pray tell, what is the purpose of your project?

Laney: Um. Well... It's about... uhm...

[Lincoln sneezes]

Lori: What was that?

Laney: [nervous] Uh... It's a diorama about the common cold? [Lincoln falls out of the box]

Sisters (Minus Laney): Lincoln!?

Lincoln: Uh. Hey, mornin' ladies.

Lisa: Why are you dressed like a stereotypical Hollywood representation of a 1950's greaser?

Lincoln: This is gel, not grease, and besides can't a guy wear something different to school for a change?

Luan: Not in this house.

Luna: Now, what's the sitch, bro?

Lincoln: There is no sitch!

Clyde: [on the walkie-talkie.] Lincoln? Come in! I thought of some topics for you to discuss with the new girl.

Sisters (Minus Laney): [Excited] New girl?!

Clyde: Like corn nuts, are they corn, or are they nuts? Discuss!

Lincoln: [on the walkie talkie.] Not now, Clyde, I've gotta call you back. [turns off walkie talkie.]

Lori: So you thought you'd impress the new girl by wearing this?

Lincoln: No, no no no no! I don't need your help. I've got it all planned out. [backs up and smashes into Lola.]

Lola: Lincoln.

Lincoln: No, I'm sure you have your own plan and want to tell me what to do. But the last time I took your advice I got a black eye. [flashback to "Heavy Meddle" where Lincoln gets punched by Ronnie Anne.]

Leni: But, Lincoln!

Lincoln: No, I've only got one chance to make a good first impression, and I want to do it my way!

Sisters: Lincoln!

Laney: [Points in the opposite direction] Look! Is that Hugh?

Sisters (Minus Laney): WHERE!? [The others turn in that direction excited thinking that Hugh is here]

Laney: Let's go! [Laney and Lincoln run off to the forest where there is a bunny hole] There. You should be safe here.

Lincoln: Thanks, Laney. Hope I didn't stink up the jacket. I'll hide here until the bus comes.

Laney: I'll go distract the others. [Runs back home]

Lincoln: Where will I be without you Laney. [A bunny hops up to Lincoln] Hey there, little guy. [The bunny twitches his nose to Lincoln, then numerous female bunnies join their brother Lincoln counts the rabbits] 23, 24, 25, 26! [To the viewers] Man, that's a lot of sisters, I can't even imagine what that would be like.

Lynn: [Off-screen] Hey Lincoln!

[Lincoln gets startled by this and jumps up, hitting a branch causing him to fall unconscious.]

[Laney now a rabbit named Brittany was lifting a heavy carboard box and sneaking out of the door but she was foiled by her sisters]

Rabbit Sisters: [Off-Screen] Hold it!

Brittany: Uh, hey guys.

Bernadette: What's in the box, Brittany?

Brittany: Oh, this box? It's uh... a surprise for Susie's birthday party!

Bippa: What's the surprise, then?

Brittany: Now, If I tell you then it wouldn't be a surprise would it? [Something inside it sneezes]

Brooke: What was that?

Brittany: Um... [Lincoln, now a rabbit named Warren, falls out of the box]

Rabbit Sisters (Minus Brittany): Warren!?

Warren: Hey, mornin' ladies.

Beatrice: Why are you dressed like a hoodlum from the wrong side of the forest?

Bippa: Yeah, what's the sitch?

Warren: There is no sitch!

[Clyde, who is now a beaver named Danny was talking out of Warren's walkie talkie]

Danny: [on the walkie talkie.] Warren, I 've come up with some topics for you to discuss with the new girl.

Rabbit Sisters (Minus Brittany): New Girl?!

Warren: Danny, I'll call you back. [turns off walkie talkie.]

Betty: Tell us everything about her.

Warren: There's nothing to tell, Betty. It's a just new girl at school.

Brenda: I hate her already.

Warren: You don't even know her, Brenda.

Belinda: Neither do you, that's why we're helping. Ohhh, I love matchmaking!

Bella: What's the use? Life's just an endless stretch of misery. Occasionally brightened by despair.

Bodhi: I think your Chakras need some like realignment, Bella.

Brittany: Guys, please! I know you want to help Warren but this isn't the way to do it!

Belinda: Of course it is, Brittany. Everyone needs help with affairs of love.

Brittany: Yeah, but you're help isn't exactly... helpful.

Betty: What do you know? We're trying to help our brother and you're getting in our way.

Brittany: I'm trying to stop you guys before you take things too far!

Belinda: But, Brittany! Don't you want to help your brother find his soulmate?

Brittany: Well, yes. But...

Betty: The let us do our thing!

Bianca: [Paints a picture] Look guys, I captured the moment in oils, I call it "Portrait of a clueless boy being saved by his Sisters".

Brittany: More like being suffocated by his sisters.

Warren: [Pushes his sisters back] Guys, I don't need your help!

[Warren gets a text from Bridget saying "YES YOU DO!"]

Warren: No I don't, Bridget!

Beatrice: Yes you do, by my calculations, the chances of you successfully courting said new girl without our help are an abysmal 25 to 1.

Warren: Yeah, I'm quite used to those odds.

Brooke: [in a state of panic] But what if your plan doesn't work?! What if you ruined your chance to make a good first impression?! What if you grow old and alone?! What if I grow old and alone?! What if the world ends tomorrow?! What if... [Interrupted by Brittany]

Brittany: Calm down, Brooke! Look, guys. All, I'm saying is that Warren will do just fine on our own.

Warren: Brittany's right. Now if you excuse me, I'm leaving.

Bippa: Oh yeah, mate? And just 'ow do you plan on gettin' past the 25 of us?

Bippa: Oh yeah, mate? And just 'ow do you plan on gettin' past the 25 of us?

Warren: Well I plan to... Run!

Betty: Get him! [The rabbit sisters begin to chase Warren and Brittany]

Barbara: This calls for some chase music!

Bethany: [Checks her list] I didn't have this on my to-do list for the day, but what the heck?

Bernadette: Warren, Brittany, you two stop running this instant or I'm telling Mom!

Warren: Look! Shiny object!

Brandy: [confused] Oooo where? Huh?

[Betty tries to grab Warren, but missed.]

Betty: Grab him, Beth!

Beth: Huh, what? [snoring]

[Bailey blows her whistle.]

Bailey: Ugh! Beth, get in the game!

Beth: Go... [Falls back to sleep on the couch.]

[Warren heads for the door, when suddenly...]

Beulah: Yee-haw! Rope them doggies!

[She twirls her lasso, catches Warren before he could escape and hogties him.]

Bertha: Gotcha! [Starts to bench press him.]

Warren: Put me down, Bertha!

[Bertha carries Warren back and drops him on the floor.]

Bebe: What a hare-rasing development! [Laughs] Get it?

[The rabbit sisters groan.]

Warren: Brittany! Help me out here! [Brittany is seen completely frozen on the floor] Oh no! She's having one of her episodes again!

Beverly: Oh, Warren honey you got it all wrong.

Blair: Totes.

Remaining Sisters: Yeah!

[Blair removes Warren's sunglasses.]

Warren: Give me those back, I need to look cool.

Beverly: Please, girls don't want a cool guy. Warren, what girls really want is a sensitive guy.

Blair: [Removes jacket a shows and lavender shirt.] Ditch the leather and go with lavender. [Gets Warren up] It's a much better match for your fur tones.

[Betty starts pushing Warren to the door.]

Birdie: [Gives Warren books] Read her a poem.

Brie: [Gives Warren a smoothie] Offer to share a healthy and deliver kelp smoothie.

Blanch: [Gives Warren medicine] But check her allergies first.

Bernice: [Gives Warren a rabbit's foot] Keep this rabbit's foot for luck.

Sisters: [Disgusted] Eww!

Blair: Compliment her clothes.

Belinda: Compliment her eyes.

Warren: But-

Beverly: Be kind.

Warren: But-

Bella: Be romatic.

Warren: But-

Bodhi: Be present.

Warren: But-

Betty: Now go. [Betty shoves Warren out the door and closes it, Warren sighs and starts off.]

[Warren nervously sits down on a stump, looks around, and sees the new girl, he nervously walks up to her.]

Warren: Hey, hi, [offers a handshake] you're new to Royal Woods aren't you? [takes his hand back before the new girl can shake it.] I've been watching you for days.

New Girl: [Weirded out] Uh, what?

Warren: I.. I mean, I've been meaning to introduce myself. [Offers a handshake, for real this time.] I'm Warren.

New Girl: Oh, [actually getting to return the handshake.] nice to meet you, Warren.

Warren: I like how big your ears are.

New Girl: [Insecure] They're big?!

Warren: No! No, uh, you'll grow into them. [Realizing that wasn't helping, gets even more nervous.] I mean, do you like poems? [Pulls out 'The Sonnets of Shakesphare'.] Shall I compare thee to a summers day? Thou fart more lovely, [realizes what he just said] I mean thou art more. [Desperately trying to change the subject.] What do you think about butter lettuce?

New Girl: [Not even sure how to respond to that.] You know, I just remembered, I forgot my backpack.

Warren: Wait, wanna share a kelp smoothie?

New Girl: [Annoyed at this point, but still trying to be nice.] Um, sure, why not?

Warren: Wait, before you have any, do you have any allergies? Cause I'd hate to see you break out in puss filled blisters. [Awkwardly smiles]

New Girl: [Grossed out by that comment] Ew, on second thought, no thanks.

Warren: Are you sure? It's really delicious. [Drinks, and spits it out in repulse.] It tastes like manure. [Looks back at the new girl and realizes he spit it right in her face.] Sorry I'm sure I have a hanky [pulls out the rabbits foot, which the new girl notices.] Oh, whoops, that's not it.

New Girl: Ew! Is that a rabbit's foot?!

Warren: What? No, just a fuzzy mozzarella stick. [Pulls out a hanky any starts wiping the new girl's face.] Sorry, let me help you. Uh, that stain oughta come out just fine, if not, you'll have an excuse to get a new dress. [The new girl is now offended.] Orange totally clashes with your fur tones anyways.

New Girl What!?

[Right at this moment, a rabbit wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket appears next to the new girl.]

Big Kid: Is this creep bothering you?

New Girl: [Smugly] Yes.

[Warren's jaw drops in disbelief.]

Big Kid: Hey, lavender shirt, don't you know it ain't cool to upset a lady?

Warren: I was just-

Big Kid: [Shoves Warren] Take a hike. [Pushes Warren to the ground and puts his arm around the new girl.] C'mon, let's get out of here.

New Girl: I like your leather jacket, you're so cool. [Giggles as the two head on their way, Warren picks himself up, and sadly walks back over to the stump and sighs, Danny joins him with a popsicle.]

Danny: So, how'd it go? [Removes the wrapper and the popsicle and starts chewing on the stick.]

Warren: I don't wanna talk about it.

Danny: [Pats Warren's head] Ah, you don't have to, I watched the whole thing from the bushes.

Warren: So much for making a good first impression.

Danny: It's okay pal, I'm sure a new bunny will move to the woods soon, well once our coyote population goes down. [Warren sighs] I don't understand why you changed your plan, why did you dress like that, and say those things, and make horse poop smoothies?

Warren: Believe me, I didn't wanna change my plan, but then my sisters came along and, well, you know how they are.

Danny: [Lovingly] I know how Betty is. [Pictures Betty hopping through the woods in slow motion.]

Warren: Are you picturing her hopping through the woods in slo-mo again?

Danny: Whaaaat? [Pops his thought cloud] No.

Warren: [Pulls out the rabbit's foot] A lot of good you did me.

[Tosses it away, and falls over knocking himself out.]

[Lincoln comes to]

Lincoln: Wow, what a nightmare. I was definitely right to run away from my sisters, they would have ruined everything. [Hears chattering, and looks at the rabbit, whose sisters ambush him and give him a flower, Lincoln whispers to him.] Don't listen to them, they'll ruin everything, they don't know what they're doing. [A brown female bunny hops up to the rabbit, and almost instantly, they rub noses, the female takes the flower, and they hop along, while the sisters high four. Lincoln realizes that he was wrong.] Woah, maybe they do know what they're doing, [panicking] which means maybe my sisters know what they're doing! Which means maybe their plan is better than mine! Which means maybe I should stop talking to myself because I only have five minutes to find out before the bus arrives! [Runs back into the house and finds it empty.] Oh no! I'm too late! They're gone. [He looks out the window and sees the school bus almost heading this way.] Ah, I'm gonna miss my big chance. [He hears Lori clear her throat, turns around to see all of his sisters blankly staring at him, and gets on his knees.] Oh, thank goodness you haven't left yet. Look, I was wrong, I want your help! My plan is going to fail! Tell me your plan! Tell me what to do!

Lori: [Trying to turn her brother off.] Lincoln.

Lincoln: [Still in panic mode.] Tell me what to wear!

Lynn: Lincoln.

Lincoln: [Grabs Lynn by the collar.] Tell me how to act!

Leni: Lincoln.

Lincoln: Tell me what to say!

Laney: Lincoln...

Lincoln: No, Laney! I'm sorry but you can't help me. I need their advice or I'm totally gonna blow my of ever being with that-

Other Sisters: LINCOLN!

Lincoln: What?!

Lori: [Relieved that their brother was ready to listen.] We weren't going to tell you any of those things. [Puts her hand on Lincoln's shoulder.]

Lincoln: What? Why?

Laney: I know you think that they might give you some crazy advice. But after you went and hid in the forest, they talked to me. And they didn't want to do anything to you. They actually thought really hard about what happened with you and Ronnie Anne. They've realized that you don't need them to meddle with your girl troubles.

Lincoln: So... you guys don't want to change me?

Lori: No, we wanted to know why you changed yourself.

Lincoln: I just- [Rolls up his sleeve, showing his tattoo.] I just thought-

Leni: Lincoln, you're perfect just the way you are.

Lori: You're kind.

Leni: You're fashionable.

Luna: You're rockin'.

Luan: You're funny.

Lynn: You're tough.

Laney: You're creative.

Lucy: You're deep.

Lana and Lola: [Hugs Lincoln] You're friendly.

Lisa: You're smart.

Lily: [Crawls up to him] You Yincoln Youd.

[Lincoln feels touched at this and smiles at his sisters.]

Lori: Now, give me the jacket, [Ruffles Lincoln's hair to it's original style.] and go out there, [Holds up his orange polo.] and just be you.

Lincoln: [Smiles at his sisters, but this is cut short when the bus drives past the house.] Ah, I can still make it. [Scrambles into his shirt and out of the house, and starts chasing after the bus, the driver sees him in the mirror.] Wait! [The kids on the bus laughing as the bus stops and Lincoln gets on, and keep laughing at Lincoln as he goes over to the new girl.] Hello, um, my, uh, name is Lincoln Loud.

New Girl: Nice to meet you Lincoln Loud.

Lincoln: So, you're new to Royal Woods?

New Girl: Yeah, it's lonely being the new kid in town.

Lincoln: Maybe you just haven't met the right people yet.

New Girl: [Moves her backpack] Would you like to sit down? [Lincoln sits next to her] Um, I didn't think you were gonna catch the bus.

Lincoln: Yeah, [holding his shirt] Good thing I'm dressed like a caution cone, or the driver never would have seen me.

New Girl: [Laughs] You're funny Lincoln Loud, [offers him a carrot stick] carrot stick?

Lincoln: [Accepts] Thanks. [Takes a bite] Oh, by the way, what's your name?

[The bus drives on, and the two rabbits from before are seen to have been watching, they look at each other, rub noses again, and hop off on their way.]


	99. No Place Like Homeschool

**No Place Like Homeschool**

It was another day in the Loud House as everyone was busy getting ready for school. Which would be a lot easier if they didn't have to share one bathroom...

The sisters minus Lola and Lily groan as they wait in line for the bathroom]

Lincoln: [First in line holding his pee and pounding his fist on the door] Come on Luna! There's nine people that need to use the bathroom!

Luna: One sec, bro, I can't leave until I hit this high note. Getting ready for school Oh wait, not quite. School SCHOOL

Lynn: She shoots, she scores! [Lynn hits her hockey puck with her hockey stick on the bathroom door much to her siblings' (up front in the line) surprise. She slap shots it the other way, Lisa ducks under it and stops Lynn]

Lisa: Is that necessary?

Lynn: What? It's a waste of a shower if you haven't worked up a sweat.

Lana: [Who is sitting on the floor rubbing herself with mud] Or, gotten dirty. [Continues rubbing herself] Ah.

Lola: [Pops her head out of her room with a mud mask and curlers in her hair] Excuse me, can you keep it down, please? You know I require at least eight hours of beauty sleep. [Returns to bed]

Lucy: [Pops up behind Lincoln, scaring him] Um, what's up with Lola? Why isn't she getting ready for school?

Lincoln: It's pageant season, so she's homeschooling to have more time for rehearsal.

Lynn: [Scoffs] Homeschool. [Roller skating through a makeshift slalom course] A.K.A sleep in, do a little bit of schoolwork, then goof off for the rest of the day.

Laney: Uh, I'm pretty sure it's more than that Lynn. I mean, it's still school.

Lynn: Yeah, school with no teachers to tell you what to do.

Lana: [Envious] Yeah, lucky. She gets to live it up on easy street for a whole week.

Lisa: Uh, actually, this year it's six weeks.

Lincoln: Six weeks?!

Lori: Lola needs time during the day to prepare for her pageants.

Lynn: I have basketball practice, football practice, lacrosse tryouts, and a hockey game, all before Thursday.

Lucy: And I have two grave site services back to back tomorrow, at cemeteries on opposite sides of town.

Lana: I'm dumpster diving with Flip, everyday after school this week.

Lisa: And I'm speaking about sodium sulfate at the science club after school tomorrow.

Lana: All, while Lola gets to sleep in as late as she wants.

Lucy: And not have to wait in line for the bathroom.

Lynn: And she can eat whatever she wants out of the fridge.

Luan: Hey! We should get to be homeschooled too.

Laney: Guys, no. We shouldn't try to get in on Lola's homeschooling. She needs this time to focus on her work and her paegeants.

Lincoln: Come on, Laney. Even you have to admit. Homeschool will be perfect for you.

Laney: Perfect how?

Lincoln: Well, you'll have all the piece and quiet you'll ever want. No students to bother you or tease you. And plenty of time to read your books after your finished.

Laney: Well, if you put it that way that does sound nice. Okay, I'm in!

Lori: [Trying to be the voice of reason] Guys, Mom and Dad would never let us actually do it.

Lincoln: [Gets an idea] But what if they did? [Later, Lincoln is with his parents (and Lily) in the living room wearing his blue suit, and presenting his case] ...and Lynn has her lacrosse, Laney has her ballet dance classes, Lori has her golf, Luna has her band, Luan has her clowning business...

Rita: We know. We drive you kids to all those things.

Lincoln: So what do you say? Can we be homeschooled too.

Lynn Sr.: [Looks at his wife who looks back then thinks] Well, Lola has done well with homeschooling the last few years. Maybe that's just what this family needs.

[Lincoln's sisters, minus Lola and Lily, cheer]

Rita: There's just one thing. [the kids look at their mother] I will be home, but I'll be busy working on my book. So you kids will have to be responsible for getting all your work done or it's back to regular school. [the kids (Minus Laney) say it's no problem]

Laney: Uh, guys? Shouldn't we be concerened about that?

Lana: About what? [Laney sighs]

[Lola is writing in her workbook when her siblings, minus Luan, enter her room]

Lana: Guess who has eighteen thumbs and is also doing homeschool? Us guys.

Lola: What?! Why do you guys need homeschool?

Laney: These guy think they can do whatever they want because it's not like regular school.

Lincoln: It's not like that! We happen to lead very busy lives.

Luan: [enters juggling on her unicycle] Yup, and now we get goof off all day with you.

Laney: That's exactly what I just said.

Lola: It's not goofing off. You know we still have schoolwork, right?

Laney: That's what I told them!

Lucy: You mean our workbooks? We have all week to get them done. A walk in the cemetery.

Lincoln: Yeah, if you can manage it, I'm sure we can.

Lola: OK, but be careful. The work sneaks up on you.

[Cuts to Lisa, Lori, Luan, Luna, and Laney in the kitchen; Lori and Luan are eating breakfast while Charles is chewing on a bone]

Luna: [patting her knee] This is the life, right dudes?

Lisa: [reading College Math book by B. Smart] I'll say. Just think I'd be reading kindergarten math books, and now I get to read this college math book.

Lori: I think you're missing the point Lisa.

Lisa: You goof off your way I'll goof off mine. [Laney is seen reading her workbook]

Luna: Come on, Lanes. Chill out with us.

Laney: Sorry guys, I need focus on my school work.

Lori: But Laney, we literally have all week to work on those books. [Throws away Laney's book]

Laney: But, Lori! You heard mom! If we don't finish these... [looks at the pancakes] Delicious pancakes... I mean workbooks we have to go back to... [drools] breakfast... Um... Maybe one break wouldn't hurt. [starts eating the pancakes] Hey, pass the syrup. [Luna give Laney the syrup]

[cuts to the backyard]

Lincoln: [playing with action figure] Ace Savvy, deep in the Amazon jungle searches for the hidden lair of the evil villain, Blackjack. Will he find-

Lana: Look out! It's the mantis queen! [brings out a mantis and growls]

Lincoln: Whoa, aaaaaah! Oh no.[keeps playing with Lana; Lucy is hanging upside down on the fence with her bats; Leni pushes a giggling Lily on a swing; Lynn is jumping rope; Cliff is sleeping but Lola and Laney are reading with sunglasses]

Lynn: One thousand six.

Lola: Hey guys, it's 2 o'clock. Shouldn't you hit the books?

Lincoln: It's two already?

Lana: I guess we should do some work.

Leni: Thanks for reminding us, Lola.

Laney: Finally, you guys are taking this seriously.

[Lori places workbooks on the dining room table and passes them around with Lincoln]

Lori: OK, here we go. [reads] **Workbook page one: Please read all contents carefully.**

[the rest of the siblings do so for a few seconds]

Lynn: Boom, one page down.

[Leni's phone rings]

Leni: I don't want to interrupt our flow, but Chaz just sent me a totes amazing cat video. Want to see?

Lincoln: Yeah.

Lynn: Me too! Me too!

Lucy: Is it a black cat?

[They watch the video of the meowing cat with music. Laney approaches them]

Laney: Guys! We shouldn't be watching cat videos! We should be- [Looks at the cat video and gasps] Is that cat wearing a leather jacket!? Sooo cute!

Lori: Now, where were we? Oh right! [clears throat] **Workbook page one: Please read all contents carefully**.

[a jingle is heard from outside]

Lana: Ooh, ice cream truck!

[they rush outside cheering only to find...]

Mr. Grouse: Hey, Louds! I see you're enjoying my new CD of classic ice cream truck jingles. [starts dancing] Ooh, this one really swings.

Lana: Man, now I really want ice cream.

Leni: Let's go! We earned it, we already read the first page twice.

Laney: Guys! That's not enough to earn you ice cream! I'm not eating any- Is that fudge ripple? My favorite!

[Lola enters with a leotard carrying a juice box and briefcase of ribbons]

Lucy: Hey Lola, ice cream break?

Lola: I can't. I have ribbon dancing rehearsal.

[she gets into her little car and drives away]

Luan: She really needs to work on her work life balance.

[Later that night, the kids, minus Lola and Laney, are brushing their teeth]

Lincoln: How fun has this week been?

Lynn: [chanting] Homeschool! Homeschool! Homeschool! [squirts toothpaste on Lisa's glasses causing some siblings to laugh, Lisa wipes it off with a sponge squeegee]

Laney: Guys, homeschool isn't about goofing off! It's still school and It already has been a week!

Leni: Laney's right, guys. We should probably do those workbook thingies tomorrow.

Lori: True, we did promise Mom we'd get all of out work done.

Luan: Hmm, then again, tomorrow is Friday. So it's practically the weekend already. Might as well wait til Monday to get a fresh start.

Luna: Good call, brah!

[Lola enters the bathroom]

Lola: Why are you guys still yammering? Go to bed already. We have a test at 8 AM tomorrow.

Lincoln: Test? What test?

Lola: [sighs] That's how homeschool works. You take a test every Friday to make sure you've been learning instead of slacking off all week! [sighs again]

Laney: Unlike you guys, I've been preparing for the test.

Lucy: [Lola's siblings grow worried] What? Why didn't anyone tell us that?

Lola: Hello? It's on page two of your workbooks. [shows the next page that says WEEKLY TEST causing her siblings to gasp]

Lincoln: [surprised] All the way on page two? Well, of course we didn't see it.

Laney: Yeah, because all you read was page one.

Lori: [nervous] But if we don't pass that means...

Lola: Yup, back to [in slow motion] regular school...

[the kids gasp again and run out of the bathroom]

Laney: Do you really have to talk all slow-like?

Lola: [In slow motion] I wanted to sound dramatic...

[In Lori and Leni's room]

Leni: What are we gonna do?! I don't wanna go back to school!

Lisa: OK well, I sympathize with your plight, siblings. But, I myself am not worried about a simple examination of the subject of-[looks in the workbook and gasps] What now?! "Kindergartners will be grade on their week's worth of arts and crafts projects"? Aah, art and crafts are my Achilles' heel. Stubby digits.

Laney: Don't worry, guys. I'll help you out. Unlike you I've been studying.

Lori: Oh please, Laney. You've been much distacted as the rest of us.

Laney: That's not true! I've been razor sharp focused at this workbook and unlike you I've been taking my work-

[The ice cream jingle is heard again]

Laney: Ice cream! [pulls out a dollar and runs outside only to find it was only Mr. Grouse again]

Mr. Grouse: Ha ha, evening, Loud.

Laney: Ugh!

Lincoln: [As Laney comes back inside] Laney's right. We can still pass, even you, Lisa. We just have to pull an all nighter and really study.

Leni: Lincoln's right, no more distractions.

Leni's siblings: Agreed!

[The kids are just finished eating a tub of Morgan's strawberry ice cream; Lynn pushes it away causing Cliff to jump]

Lynn: OK, now that that's out of the way, we really gotta buckle down.

Lisa: To increase out chances of success, I suggest we find an environment free of any and all distractions.

Lucy: I don't think you'll all fit in my coffin.

[The others get surprised]

Lisa: I have an alternate suggestion.

[The kids are now in the backyard near the bunker that was once used to avoid Luan's pranks]

Lynn: Wow, you're going to let us inside your super top-secret bunker?

Lisa: Yes, but don't get any ideas. I will be changing the access code.

Laney: Darn.

[They are now inside it]

Lincoln: Alright, guys. Let's get cracking.

[Laney puts on some headphones]

Laney: Just to make sure I won't get distracted again.

[Leni starts clicking with her tongue]

Luan: Would you mind not doing that?

Leni: Doing what?

[Lynn's stomach starts growling]

Lana: Hey, shut your gut. I'm trying to read over here.

Lynn: How can you hear my stomach over Luna's tapping foot?

Luna: I'm just trying to drown out the noise of Lucy chewing her pen.

Lucy: It helps me focus. Otherwise, all I can think about is Lori's perfume.

Lori: Um, would you rather smell Lana's grubby old hat?

Lana: [offended] Wow. [the sisters start arguing] It's your fault.

Leni: It's totally your fault and I don't like your perfume.

Laney: Yep. I know this would happen. [Continues to study; humming]

Lynn: Will you quit that stupid humming?

Laney: What?

Lynn: I said will you quit that stupid humming!?

Laney: [Misinterpreting] No I am not interested in drumming.

Lynn: [angry] TAKE THOSE HEADPHONES OFF!

[Lincoln sounds an air horn alarming Leni, Luan and Lynn]

Lincoln: Guys, guys. This isn't working.

Lisa: [takes the air horn away] Don't touch that. It's to scare away post-apocalyptic mutants. And or Mr. Grouse.

Lori: How does Lola pull this off every year?

Laney: [Pulls off her headphones] There's no trick, guys. It's just hard work and focusing.

Lincoln: Well, either way, we need her help to pass this test! You know what we gotta do, right?

Everyone else except Leni and Laney: Yes!

Leni: [at the same time] No. [everyone looks at her] Uh, yes. ...OK, no. What's up?

Lincoln: Someone's going to have to interrupt Lola's beauty sleep and ask her for help.

Laney: What? We can't do that!

Lynn: She needs the full eight hours!

Lucy: Or else she can't function properly.

Luan: And she's a biter!

Lincoln: Well, someone's gotta do it.

Lincoln's sisters: [touching their noses] Dibs not it!

Lincoln: Dang it!

[the sisters push Lincoln into Lola's room and shut the door; he is about to tap on snoring Lola when...]

Lola: Can I help you?!

[Lincoln gets surprised, bumps into his other sisters behind him, gets surprised again and crashes on the floor as the lamp falls down]

Laney: [sighs and roll her eyes] Sorry to wake you Lola. But we need your help to pass tomorrow's test.

Lola: Now? I'm in the middle of my beauty sleep. I've been warning you all week that you need to do your work.

Lucy: We tried. But failed miserably.

Laney: Problem is they can't focus for a single second. And I got a little distracted myself...

Lori: Lola, we literally had no idea that homeschool would be this hard. Please, tell us your secret.

Lola: There is no secret, it's just hard work and discipline.

Laney: Told you.

Lana: Well, I'm out.

Lincoln: [preventing Lana from leaving] It's too late for discipline. But, can you teach us how to do the hard work part?

Lola: Ugh, Lincoln! [it's almost three o' clock]

Laney: Don't worry, Lola. I'm sure it won't take long. Just do it for us, please?

Lola: Well... [sighs] Okay. But you guys owe me. I see a lot of tea parties in your future!

[The next day, the worried kids are writing on pieces of paper; Lisa is making an arts and crafts bouquet of flowers; Lola is really tired]

Rita: [with stopwatch] OK guys, times up, pencils down. Or in your case, Lisa, pipe cleaners. [Lisa is stressed]

[soon Rita hands everyone back their tests and gives Lisa her bouquet back]

Rita: Well, it was a close call, but congratulations, you all passed! [all the kids cheer, except Lola] Well, almost all of you. Lola honey, you didn't even finish your test. I'm sorry, sweetie. But it's back to regular school on Monday.

Lola: But Mom, then I won't have time to practice on my pageants!

Rita: I'm sorry Lola, you knew the rules, now you have to pay the consequences. [Lola walks away; her siblings feel guilty for what they've done]

[Monday... Lola wakes up to her alarm and sighs, she goes to the bathroom only to bump into Lana find a line of her siblings; Luna is in the bathroom]

Lola: What the? What are you guys doing up so early? I thought you like to start your homeschooling at two.

Lori: Actually, we're all going back to regular school.

Lola: Huh?

Lincoln: It's our fault you didn't pass your test. We kept you up all night helping us study, that you were to tired to take your own test.

Laney: We coudn't handle homeschool as much as you can, Lola. Not even me.

Lucy: We talked to Mom and Dad, and they agreed to give you a second chance.

Lynn: And this way we won't be here to distract you.

Lola: You're all willing to go back to regular school just for me? [her siblings nod] Thanks, you guys. [she hugs them]

Laney: If it makes you feel any better. Out of all the others, I wanted to study hard. And, it was nice to spend some time with you.

Lola: Thanks, Laney.

[Luna comes out of the bathroom]

Luna: [in her robe with a towel on he hair] Who's next?

Leni: [a horn is heard causing her to scream] Is that the bus?

Lincoln: Oh no! We're late!

[Lola's siblings rush outside, only to find...]

Mr. Grouse: Hey, Louds! How do you like my new CD of classic school bus sounds?

[Lola's siblings all groan in frustration]

Luna: Seriously?!


	100. ORIGINAL EPISDODE: Hog Wild

**Here we are, folks! 100 chapters! I'd liek to thank everyone for helping me get this far and I also like to thank NashWalker for giving me this idea. Of course we gotta make this milestone of a chapter extremly special. And what better way to do that than a new character reveal in an original episode. Sorry It took me this long to finish it but trust me, it's worth it! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Hog Wild**

It was a nice and sunny day in Royal Woods, the kind where you just want go a out and do something on this day. And for the Loud Family, it was to spend the day at the Royal Woods county fair.

[The epsiode begins in a county fair as the loud family was walking with Lynn Sr. holding cotton candy]

Rita: It was so nice of you to spend your day off to take the kids to a county fair.

Lynn Sr.: Don't mention it, Rita. You know my my father used to tke me on county fairs like this all the time. And I know for a fact that they fave the best tasting cotton candy in this side of town. [eats some cotton candy] They made it even tastier this year! How do they do this!?

[The loud kids were enjoying the rides and the games. Leni was playing the ring toss games but she doen't know the game's rigged, Lori was enjoying the ferris wheel while she was video chatting with Bobby, and Laney was walking with Lana. Laney was looking a little bored]

Laney: [sighs] I still don't think why we always come to these things. Everywhere I step is so muddy and filthy!

Lana: [Was seen rolling around in the dirt] I know! Isn't this awesome?

Laney: To you maybe, but I just can't see a way I could like it here. I mean all the games here are completely rigged! [Points to Leni who is still getting unknowingly scammed by the ring toss game]

Lana: Oh, don't worry Lanye. Everyone loves the county fair, and you will too!

Laney: Yeah, when pigs fly.

Funny she should say pig, because Laney then heard a small oink from across the fair and at a certain stand.

[Laney hears a small oink]

Laney: Huh? [Looks across the place and sees a cute pig at a stand]

Man in the Stand: Guess a pig's weight! Guess right and you get to take one home. [Laney walks over to the pen and sees a cute pig that oinks at her]

Laney: Oh, you're a sweet little guy aren't you? [The pig oinks at her again; gasp] It said my name! Or at least I think It said my name. [holds up the pig] Did you say "Laney" or "Wee-wee"? [The pig oinks at her and Laney smiles]

Man in the Stand: Hold it, girl. If you want this pig, you gotta win 'em. Now cann you guess the pigs weight?

Laney: Hm... [Looks at the pig] He looks like a... 25.7 pounds.

Man in the Stand: Wow! That's correct! How did you know?

Laney: I use to study weights with my little sister.

Man in the Stand: Well, congratulations! You won yourself a pig! [Hands over the pig to Laney and it oinks to her]

Laney: Awww! You're just the cutest pig in the world yes you are! I'm gonna call you Squeals! [The pig oinks happily] Oh! I can't wait to take you home Squeals!

Lana: Uh, that might not be a great idea, Laney.

Laney: Why not?

Lana: Dad has a strict rule about bringing wild animals home. Trust me, I know...

[Cut to flashbacks of Lana bringing wild animals home. The first was a raccoon who was making a mess in the kitchen]

Lynn Sr.: Lana!

[The next flashback was Lana bringing home monkeys who were messing up Mom and Dad's room]

Lynn Sr.: Lana!

[The next flashback was Lana bringing home a bear who was in the living room watching tv and eating chips]

Lynn Sr.: Lana!

[Flashback ends]

Laney: This is different. He'll defintely except this one, who wouldn't want an adorable pig in the house. [The pig adorably smiles]

Lana: Trust me, Lanes. You do not want dad to see this.

Laney: Why? I'm sure he won't mind another pet in the house.

Lana: Uh, actually they would. I might have banned bringing home anymore pets in the house...

Laney: WHAT!? [Hugs the pig] But dad's gotta let me keep Squeals! I never had my own pet before!

Lana: Sorry, Laney... [Laney and Squeals look at each other sadly]

Lynn Sr.: [offscreen] Kids! Time to go! All of you in or I leave without you!

Laney: [sighs] Sorry, Squeals... I guess you can't come. [Squeals oinks in sadness]

[Laney and Lana walks to the car. Squeals looked sad as Laney walks off to the car. Squeals oinks and thinks of something and gets an idea. She pick the lock on the gate and escapes the pen and follows Laney into the van and they drive off. Later, the Louds were back at home and the kids were getting out of Vanzilla]

Lynn Sr.: Wasn't it a great county fair, kids.

Lynn: It would've if Leni didn't blow all of our allowance on that stupid ring toss game!

Leni: I almost had it that time!

[As everyone went back inside Laney heard a small snort]

Laney: Huh? What was... [She looks down to see that Squeals followed her home. She was estatic and hugs her] Squeals! Heya girl! How did you find me? [Squeals snorts] Oh, you must be one smart pig.

Lynn Sr.: [Offscreen] What was that, sweetheart?

Laney: Uh, nothing dad... [Lynn Sr. walks inside; gasps] Oh, no! I can't let dad see you! Or he'll be mad! [Squeals oinks] Don't worry, girl! I got a plan.

[Cut to Laney walking in Squeals stuffed in her shirt]

Lynn: Hey, Laney! [Laney was surprised]

Laney: Oh! Uh... Hey, Lynn!

Lynn: You feeling okay? You're looking a bit bloated.

Laney: Oh, this? Well, I've ate so much snacks at the fair. And speaking of which they're starting to fight back so If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom. [Runs upstairs]

Lynn: Ah, been there sis. Fair food will always come back to haunt you.

[Cut to Laney stashing Squeals in her chest]

Squeals: [Oinks]

Laney: Okay, you should be safe in here. [Laney tries to leave but Squeals follows her] No, no, Squeals. I can't let the others know about you. [Laney puts Squeals back in her chest. Squeals snorts] Don't worry, I'll get you some food. Just promise me you'll stay there, okay? [Squeals nods] Good girl. [Laney opens the door and jumps when she sees Lucy in front of her] AAH! Uh... Oh! Hey, Lucy...

Lucy: Who were you talking to?

Laney: Uh... I was just talking to my friend Karla on the phone. [Holds up her phone and smiles nervously]

Lucy: Hmm... Okay, then... [As Laney leaves to get some snacks, Lucy heard oinks coming from Laney's chest]

[Moments later, Laney returns upstairs with various snacks]

Laney: Okay, girl. I didn't know what kind of food do pigs eat. But I have a good guess you like chips. I got regular, BBQ, Salt and Vin- GAH! [Laney is shocked to find Lynn and Lucy with Squeals] What's going on!?

Lynn: Lucy found some pig in your chest.

Lucy: Probably one of Lana's pets.

Laney: Uh, Yeah! That's it! It's one of Lana's heh... [Squeals oinks at Laney. Lucy and Lynn look at her; sighs] Okay! it is mine! I won it at the county fair and it somehow it followed me home.

Lucy: Does dad know about this?

Laney: Are you kidding me? I can't tell him about this! Thanks to Lana, he has strict rule about wild animals in the house! He can't ever know about this! So promise me you guys will keep this a secret!

Lynn: We promise, Lanes.

Lincoln: [enters Laney's room] Hey, Laney. Can I borrow one of your costumes? [Notices Squeals] Woah, when did we get a pig?

Lynn: Laney won it at the county fair.

Laney: LYNN!

Lynn: What? We can trust Lincoln.

Lincoln: Does dad know about this?

Laney: No! And I want it to keep it that- [In no time, all the siblings found out about Squeals and they gathered around her; To the viewers] This feels awfully familiar, doesn't it? [To her siblings] And before anyone asks, no, Dad does not knows about this and I want to make sure he never does find out-

Lynn Sr.: Find out about what?

Siblings: Aah!

Laney: Uh, dad. We were just discussing the plans for your birthday.

Lynn Sr.: But my birthday was two months ago.

Lincoln: We know, we just really like to plan ahead.

Lynn Sr.: Well, I see no problem with that. You continue planning, I won't bother you. [Leaves; the siblings sigh in relief]

Laney: Well, Squeals. Looks like your safe from- [Laney and the rest of the siblings were shocked to find that Squeals was missing]

Siblings: AAH!

Laney: Where did Squeals go!? [The kids heard oinking from outside and looks out the window to see Squeals rolling around the mud]

Lana: How did she find my muddy spot?

Laney: Okay! I'll get Squeals, you guys make sure that mom and dad don't notice! Got it? [the other siblings nod and Laney runs downstairs and outside when he was stopped by her father]

Lynn Sr.: Laney, honey, where are you off to in such a hurry?

Laney: Oh, uh... I dropped something back in the yard. I got to go get it. Be right back. [Dashes off, Lynn Sr. shrugs. Laney runs to the front yard and finds Squeals rolling around in a mud puddle] There you are, Squeals! Now let's get you out of that puddle and cleaned up before- [Squeals runs and trips Laney into the mud] Ugh! Squeals! I'm covered in mud. [Squeals runs up to her and cuddles her face. Laney laughs] Squeals! [laughs some more as they played in the mud] Okay, that's enough. Now, let's get us both cleaned. [Squeals runs back inside the house] Hey, wait! Get back here!

[They both begin to give chase as they ran back inside and Lynn Sr noticed that they're some muddy tracks in the house]

Lynn Sr.: What in the world!? [Lana quickly escapes to the front yard and covered herself in mud then ran back] What's going on here?

Lana: Hey dad, Laney and I were doing a little mud wrestling.

Lynn Sr.: Well, I told you not to track mud in the house. Your mother jsut cleaned here. Now go upstairs and wash up.

Lana: Uh, okay dad. [Runs upstairs]

[Lana then joins Laney upstairs who's holding Squeals]

Laney: Get the bath ready! [Lana runs into the bathroom. Squeals then slips out of Laney's arms and runs into Lori and Leni's room] Squeals! [Laney chases Squeals into her elder sibling's room and she tries to find her pet pig] Squeals? Squeals? Here girl. [Laney hears Squeals oinking from Lori's dresser] Huh? [Laney opens one of Lori's drawers and sees Squeals covered in Lori's makeup] There you are, girl! [Picks Squeals up]

Lori: Laney! You're dumb pig messed with my makeup!

Leni: Yeah, Laney! Purple is so not her color!

Lynn Sr.: [Offscreen] Kids? Is everything okay up there?

Laney: Uh, fine dad. Uh, just having a hard time getting Lana into that bath! You know how she is! Come on, girl. Let's get you clean up. [Laney gets Squeals to the bathroom where Lana got the tub ready] Okay, Squeals. Here you go! [Squeals runs out of Laney's hold again] Not again!

[Laney chases Squeals throughout the house. They made a mess in Lola and Lana's room getting mud all over Lola's table]

Lola: My table!

Lana: Ha! It's an improvement.

[Laney and Squeals both run out then went downstairs and ran across the living room. Squeals jumps up and down the couch and she and Laney then chased Squeals where Lynn Sr. was cooking dinner. Laney stops]

Laney: Oh no! Squeals stop! [Squeals stopped and slipped right into Lynn Sr. who trips on her and falls down]

Lynn Sr.: What the heck is- [Notices the pig] Lana! What have I told you about bringing home wild animals?!

[The rest of the siblings gathered]

Laney: Actually, dad. It's my pig...

Lynn Sr.: What?

Laney: I won her at the county fair but I didn't want to take him home but I knew how mad you'd be if any of us brought home another pet. I tried really hard to make sure she won't cause any trouble or make any messes. I'm really sorry, dad.

Lynn Sr.: I apreciate your honesty Laney. But you know how I feel about wild animals in the house. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you'll have to let her go.

[Laney looks down in sadness, the other siblings looked on remorsefully. Until...]

Lynn Sr.: [offscreen] What in the world?

Laney: I know, dad. Your surprised of how much of a mess she-

Siblings: Huh?

[All of the siblings and their father are surprised to find that Squeals has cleaned up all the mud in the kitchen and is currently stirring the pot]

Lynn Sr.: Wow! You did all this? [Squeals nods and brought the spoon up to him and he tasted it] Wow! This tastes better than I expected! What did you put in it? [Squeals held up a spice shaker] Solantro? Why didn't I think of that?

Luna: Wow that is one smart pig. [Squeals looked down in sadness knowing that she can't stay here and she left the kitchen]

Lynn Sr.: Wait! [Squeals looked at him] I've never seen any animal in this house that can cook or clean in my lifetime! This is no ordinary pig! Every pet Lana has ever bring home made so many messes and... left presents in lawn... [shudders]

Laney: So does that mean I can keep him?

Lynn Sr.: Well, this is the only pet you brought home that can't cause trouble. But promise me you'll take care of it.

Laney: I will, dad.

Lynn Sr.: Then she's all yours.

Siblings: Yay! [Laney hugs Squeals]

Laney: Did you hear that, Squeals? You get to stay! [Squeals licks Laney; giggles] Oh, Squeals!

Lynn Sr.: Uh, Laney? Now that that's out of the way. May I borrow your pig for a moment? [Holds up two spices] Should I use paprika or oreagano? [Squeals points to the oregano and he uses it on the sauce] That'll do pig, that'll do.


	101. SUMMER HIATUS NOTE

**Attention my dearest fans, I have an important announcement to make! Summer officially starts next week and as you can tell by the many chapters I've made, I have been working too hard non-stop for months and have negelcted my projects from outside the site. So starting next week, I'll be taking advantage of two months of summer I have to take a break from Fanfiction for a while. But don't worry! This doesn't mean I'm leaving perminently. I'll be back as soon as summer ends. Mostly because my inspiration thinks better during the fall season. So, If any of you guys have any ideas for my stories feel free to PM me.**

 **See you in September!**

 **\- Kinghammer**


	102. Tripped! (Part 1)

**Tripped! (Part 1)**

[In Rita and Lynn Sr.'s bedroom, the family is counting all of their money in the family jug of change. Lynn Sr. is tossing in coins as his family counts.]

Loud Family: 1,797, 1,798, 1,799... 1,800!

Lynn Sr.: There it is, gang! 1,800 smackeroonies in the savings jug! And you know what that means?

Loud Family: [Singing while dancing in a conga line that carries throughout the house.] We're going on vacation! We're going on vacation! We're going on vacation!

Lincoln: [To the viewers, while the rest of the family continues conga-ing.] This is a big moment for the Louds. We're finally taking a real family vacation! Not an overnight at Aunt Ruth's, or a campout in the church parking lot. A vacation vacation! But getting here wasn't easy.

[Flashback to Lana on the lemonade stand, and Lola standing on the barrel box.]

Lincoln: [narrating] In a family this big, a vacation costs a lot of money.

Lola: [on a megaphone] Line up for lemonade!

Lincoln: [narrating] So we all had to do our part.

Woman: [walks by] Oh, no thank you.

Lola: [goes after her] I said... [on the megaphone again] ...line, up, for, LEMONADE!

Woman: [runs back, scared] I'll take 5.

[She holds up her money and Lana makes 5 cups of lemonade. Lana and Lola put their contribution into the jug. Another flashback shows Luna playing her guitar while people walk by and put money in her guitar case.]

Luna: [singing] So many places I wanna go, but I'd never get anywhere, without some dough

Mr. Grouse: Hey, Loud! I'll pay ya just to stop making that horrible racket!

Luna: [puts her guitar away] Whatever works, dude. Vacation, all I ever wanted.

[Luna puts her contribution into the jug. Another flashback. Laney is in the backyard selling her artwork]

Man: I've never seen such a bold and vibrant art piece! So many colors What do you call it?

Laney: Uh... "Going on Vacation"? I didn't have time to make up a name.

Man: Who cares! I'll take it! [The man gives Laney a wad of cash]

[Laney puts her contribution into the jug. Another flashback. At the IT offices, there's a line of food trucks. Lori is shown to be in a food truck named "Rock Taco", taking orders.]

Lori: Got it. Dad, I need 3 more Lynn-sagnas. Two with extra sauce.

[Lynn Sr. is shown to be in the kitchen, making the orders. However, he's pretty packed up.]

Lynn Sr.: [overworked] Honey, please discourage special orders. I'm backed up in here.

[Lori and Lynn Sr. dump their contribution into the jug, Lynn Sr. notices something.]

Lynn Sr.: Oops. That was a mushroom.

[Another flashback. It's 8:31 PM at Rita's dentist and Rita is working on the woman from the lemonade stand's teeth. She gets tired and falls asleep.]

Woman: Hey! [wakes Rita up with a water tool.]

Rita: [wakes up] Oh, sorry. I've been working a lot of overtime lately.

[Rita puts her contribution in the jug. She notices something.]

Rita: Whoops. That was a molar.

[Another flashback shows Leni running a fashion advice stand and is giving advice to Jancey Yates.]

Leni: Cinch that with a belt.

[Jancey puts a coin in Leni's cup, and walks away, while the woman from the lemonade stand, and the dentist office walks up.]

Leni: Live on the edge with a polka-dot skirt.

[She puts a coin in Leni's cup and walks away.]

Leni: [clearly disgusted by her next customer.] Ugh, no, no. What did I tell you about wearing sock with sandals?

[It's revealed that the customer is Mr. Grouse, who's wearing red shorts, and socks with sandals.]

Mr. Grouse: [sighs as he puts a bunch of coins in Leni's cup.] Oh, only if they're colorful or ironic.

[Leni puts her contribution in the jug. Another flashback shows Lynn on a snowy, winter day knocking on someone's door carrying a snow shovel. An old woman answers it.]

Lynn: All done, Mrs. Parker [It reveals that Lynn shoveled Mrs. Parker's walkway and the walkway next to it.] I also do furniture moving and jar opening. Keep it in mind.

Mrs. Parker: Oh, it's my lucky day. I dropped a jar of pickles under the sofa.

[Lynn puts her contribution in the jug. Another flashback shows Luan entertaining at a child's birthday party as a clown. She rolls up her sleeves and pulls out a penny from behind a boy's ear, then another one, then several more after that and the children cheer. She later puts her contribution in the jug out of her ear. Another flashback shows Lucy serving a funeral with four little kids in a bathroom.]

Lucy: Dearly beloved, we gather today to say goodbye to Dorothy. She lived life to the fullest, whether she was swimming around in her castle, blowing bubbles, or eating rocks. Turns out that last part wasn't the best idea. [flushes Dorothy down the toilet and hands a little girl a tissue.]

Little Girl: Thank you. That was a beautiful service. [gives Lucy a sack of cash]

[Lucy puts her contribution in the jug. Another flashback shows Lincoln delivering newspapers, he throws one and it hits the top of a car, which triggers the alarm to go off. He throws another one and it scares a cat, who dives into the bushes, and crashes through a window. Lincoln puts his contribution in the jug, and then realizes his pockets are empty. Another flashback shows Lily as a DJ and Lisa breakdancing at the Royal Woods Mall. Scoots comes by and tosses a few coins.]

Scoots: Slay all day, girl! Woo!

[Lisa and Lily put their contribution in the jug. End of flashbacks as it cuts back to outside the Loud House.]

Lincoln: Thanks to all our hard work, we saved enough money for a week at the Weeping Willow Resort Lodge on Lake Michigan. We're talking bumper boats, horseback riding, and 26 flavors of fudge. [catches up with his family who are still doing the conga.]

Loud Family: We're going on vacation! We're going on vacation! We're going-

Mr. Grouse: [offscreen] Hey, Louds! I'll pay you again to knock off that racket!

Lynn: We already have enough money.

Luna: [nudges Lynn] Hello, road snacks?

[Cuts to the next day; Lynn Sr. putting suitcases on top of Vanzilla.]

Rita: [Walking out with her things] Let's see, work's taken care of, Mr. Grouse is keeping an eye on the house, Clyde and the McBrides are taking care of Walt, Geo, Charles, Cliff, and Squeals.

Lynn Sr.: [singing] Just a few more things and we'll all be relaxing in the...

[He and Rita head inside, while the siblings, minus Lisa and Lily, come outside with their luggage, Lucy is dragging a coffin.]

Lola: [To Lucy] Why are you bringing that on vacation?

Lucy: You have your sunblock, I have mine.

[Laney is seen hauling a huge backpack]

Lincoln: Woah, Laney. You don't have to pack everything. What's in that backpack anyway?

Laney: Just some stuff just in case we run into some trouble on the way to the resort.

Lincoln: Relax, Laney. We're just going on vacation. What can possibly go wrong?

Laney: [To the viewers] Has he even been watching this show?

Lynn Sr.: [coming back out with another bag] Whoa, guys, this is too much stuff! Something's gotta go back!

Luna: [Kicks Lynn Sr.'s bag] How 'bout this humungo bag?

Lynn Sr.: Absolutely not! That one's very important!

[The bag opens up to reveal a bunch of jigsaw puzzles.]

Lola: Puzzles?

Lynn Sr.: The bag stays! Laney, why don't you take your backpack back?

Laney: Trust me, dad. It will come in handy unlike all of your jigsaw puzzles!

[The kids start complaining just as Lisa walks out and whistles to get them to stop.]

Lisa: Enough! Stand back and let me work.

[Cuts to later, showing that Lisa has found a space for every piece of luggage in/on Vanzilla. The family, minus Lily, is impressed.]

Lucy: [to Lisa] How did you do that?

Lisa: Quite simple, really. I merely used a formula combining elements of spatial analysis, and the basic physics theorem stating that for every object- [realizes her family minus Laney has gotten in Vanzilla; deadpanned.] Don't ask if you don't really want to know.

Laney: I wanted to know...

Lynn Sr.: [from inside] Sorry kiddo, we should get a move-on. According to the reviews, the hotel has very strict check-in policy. If we're not there by 8:00, they could give away our rooms!

Lana: [Just as Lynn Sr. starts the car.] WAIT! [Opens the door and whistles. In Lola and Lana's room, Hops, El Diablo and Bitey hear and head out through the doggy door. As they enter Vanzilla, El Diablo and Bitey go under the seat, while Hops jumps into Lana's pocket. She closes the door.]

Lynn Sr.: Okay, here we go. Loud Vacation time! Can I get a 'What what?'

Loud Family: [as the the car pulls out of the driveway.] What what?

Rita: WAIT! [Lynn Sr. stops the car as she gets out.] I forgot Lily's diapers. [goes back inside and comes out looking sheepish.] Turns out I also forgot Lily. [reveals she has Lily, who looks annoyed.]

Lily: [annoyed as Rita puts her in her seat.] Poo-Poo!

[Lynn Sr. starts the car and the family heads off.]

Loud Family: [singing] We're going on vacation! We're going on vacation!

[The Louds exit Franklin Avenue and head up to the Royal Woods Parkway.]

[Later on the road, an old style horn honks and shows to be a red truck with a farmer driving in it right behind the Louds.]

Lynn: Don't let that old geezer pass us, Dad! Floor it!

Lynn Sr.: Well, it's- It is floored! [the truck passes them] It's been floored the whole time! [mumbling] Dang show off in his hot rod.

Laney: Dad, don't be rude. I'm sure he didn't mean to drive pass us.

Lynn Sr.: Are you kidding me? He saw the opportunity and just passed us through!

[The Louds finally make it up the hill.]

Lynn: Look! [It shows that the truck is already going down.] Come on, Dad! Let's get our dignity back!

Lynn Sr.: I'm right there with ya, LJ.

[Vanzilla starts overtaking the truck, as Lynn starts shouting "pass".]

Lisa: Father, this is not advisable! Factoring in the angle of our decent, current wind speed, and the condition of this aging heap. I fear we are going to wind up-

[Before she can finish her sentence, Lynn Sr. loses control of Vanzilla and crashes into a fence. The family is outside, having already survived the crash by leaping out of Vanzilla.]

Lisa: -Nose-first in a ditch.

[The bumper to Vanzilla falls off.]

Lynn Sr.: [gasps and hugs Vanzilla, while crying.] My baby! What have I done?!

Laney: I knew something like this would happen. Nothing good ever comes from trying to one-up someone.

Lori: I know how that feels...

Lana: Stand back and let me work.

[Cuts to later, showing that Lana has gotten Vanzilla out of the ditch and repaired it.]

Rita: [impressed] Wow! Nice job, sweetie. How did you do that?

Lana: Eh, it was no biggie. There was a crack in the cylinder block, so I just re-routed the exhaust manifold pass the carburetor, and then- [realizes her family minus Laney has gotten in Vanzilla; deadpanned.] Don't ask if you don't really want to know.

Laney: I wanted to know.

[Lynn Sr. is about to start the car, when suddenly...]

Rita: Wait! [Gets out and gets Lily, who looks annoyed and gets back in Vanzilla.] Okay, now we can go.

[The red truck passes by them.]

Lynn and Lynn Sr.: Dang it.

[Later, the Louds are still driving and the weather starts to get a little heated out there.]

Leni: Oh, it's so hot. Dad, can you turn on the AC before my hair totally frizzes?

[Lynn Sr. presses the button to the AC, which seems to be fluttering and then stops working. He presses the button twice after that.]

Lynn Sr.: Huh. Doesn't seem to be working.

Lana: Ugh, the coolant must've leaked when we crashed. [pulls out her toolbox] Pull over, Pops. I'll check it out.

Lynn Sr.: No can do. Remember, 8:00 check in.

Leni: Well, can someone just roll down a window?

Lynn Sr.: Sorry, honey, but if we roll any of these windows down, they're not coming back up.

Rita: I know it's hot, but just pretend you're at the beach.

Leni: In this? Ugh, no!

[Laney is seen with a tiny fan in her seat]

Lola: How come you're not sweating?

Laney: I packed a tiny fan before we went on our vacation. Told you my backpack will come in handy.

Lana: Well, do you think you can share that fan action with us?

Laney: Sure thing! [Just as Laney shares her fan with the twins, the batteries die turning off the fan] Oh...

Lola: I don't suppose you have an extra set of batteries in that backpack of yours, do you?

Laney: Unfortunately, that was the one thing I didn't pack...

[The siblings see Lori snacking on some bean chips.]

Lori: Anyone want a low-cal bean chip?

Lucy: Vomit.

Laney: No thank you...

Lori: They're delicious. And supes high fiber. [Farts]

Laney: [Plugs her nose] Too high in fiber if you ask me...

Lori: It was the seat! See?

[Gas scent comes out of Lori's seat.]

Siblings, except Lori: [Groan in disgust]

Lori: Now it's not doing it.

[The gas scent goes all over Vanzilla. Lincoln and Lucy groan in disgust.]

Luan: Suffocating!

Lola: [Coughs] Ack.

Lynn Sr.: Be strong, kids! No windows! [Gas scent goes into the front seat] Oh, it's in my mouth!

[Lynn Sr. opens up the windows and everyone exhaled deeply, except Lori, who blushes in embarrassment. Eventually, the wind blowing inside the van like a jet turbine is becoming a problem.]

Lynn Sr.: This is better!

Rita: What?! [Lets go of the map and it lands in Lynn Sr.'s face. He screams in panic, and so does the family as they swerve off the road and crash into a section of porta-potties, which topple over like dominoes, and one of the doors to Vanzilla falls off.]

Lynn Sr.: [taking a few deep breaths.] Is everyone okay?

Person: [In one of the porta-potties.] I've been better!

[Lynn Sr. looks concerned as Lana jumps out and examines the broken door.]

Lana: The good news is, the crash made the windows go back up. The bad news is, now we have no door. No way I can re-attach this baby. [looks up] But I may have a solution.

[Cuts to later, showing that Lana has used Lucy's coffin as a serviceable door.]

Luan: Nice fix, but we still have a grave situation! [laughs] Get it? [realizes her family has gotten in Vanzilla; frustrated.] What? Don't set me up if you don't wanna hear a joke!

Laney: This time, I didn't want to hear that.

[As Luan gets in, Lynn Sr. starts Vanzilla, when suddenly...]

Rita: Wait! [reveals that Lily is on top of Vanzilla, looking annoyed. Rita reaches her arms out and gets her down.]

Lily: [annoyed] Ah!

Laney: You really need to keep track of your kids.

[The family gets back on the road.]

Rita: Who's ready for lunch?

Siblings: Me! Me! Me! Me!

Rita: Honey, let's start looking for a good picnic spot.

Lynn Sr.: No time! We're behind schedule. We'll have to eat in the car.

Lynn: [Finds sandwiches inside a basket.] I got this. Sammies coming your way. Think fast. [throws them to her other siblings.]

Lola: [Gets hit by a sandwich] Watch it! [Eats sandwich]

Lori: [Gets hit by a sandwich] Ow! [Eats sandwich]

Luna: [Gets hit by a sandwich] Not so hard, dude. [Eats sandwich]

Lincoln: [Misses sandwich] I can't catch.

[Laney hands Lincoln her sandwich]

Laney: Here, Lincoln. You can have mine.

Lincoln: You don't want yours, Laney.

Laney: No, it's smells weird.

Lincoln: Hey. You can't be picky when on the road.

[The kids minus Laney and parents have finished eating their sandwiches. Rita crumbles up her wrapper.]

Rita: Those egg salad sandwiches were delicious, honey. Thanks for making them.

Leni: You're totes welcome, Mom.

Lynn: Trash back here [Luan, Lisa and Lincoln try to throw the wrappers in the bag.]

Luan: Whoops.

Lisa: Sorry.

Lincoln: I can't throw, either.

Lynn: [Gives him a thumbs down] Weak.

[Luna's stomach growls. Her face turns green and starts to feel nauseous. She takes her headphones off.]

Luna: Whoa, guys, are you feeling alright? I'm not feeling too good myself.

[The other siblings get nauseous as well, except Leni, Laney, and Lily.]

Lori: Leni, what exactly did you put in those sandwiches?

Leni: I can't remember. I made them weeks ago.

Lincoln: Leni!

Lucy: What?

Luan: That can't be good.

Leni: Well, I was so excited for the trip, I wanted to get a head start!

Laney: You know you could've just done that yesterday.

Leni: A good traveller always prepares early. You of all people should know that.

Siblings (Minus Laney): [Groaning]

Lincoln: Uh-oh. I think I'm gonna barf!

Lisa: I second that!

Luna: Puke fest!

Laney: Don't worry guys, I have some ginger ale in here somewhere.

Lola: No time! Pull over, Dad!

Lynn Sr.: No time! Use a bag!

Rita: Lynn!

Lynn Sr.: Ok, ok!

[Lynn Sr. stops the van on the gas station. The Loud Family minus Laney starts puking in the bathrooms and outside the bathrooms. Cut back to The Loud Family in the van.]

Lori: Leni, you're off lunch duty until further notice.

Lisa: Yeah, let's just round that up to 'forever'.

Laney: You know, guys. I have some chips in my backpack if anyone wants some.

Lynn Sr.: No thank you! We all had enough snacks, dear.

[The family leaves the gas station as a car carrier passes them in the opposite direction. They notice the farmer from earlier have a flat-tire on his truck.]

Lynn: Ha, ha! Check out Farmer Speedy! Not doing much passing now, are you?

Laney: Lynn! That's not very nice to say that! He probably has somewhere to be too.

Rita: Laney's right, dear. [to Lynn Sr.] Honey, we should help him.

Lynn Sr.: [sighs] Okay. But only if it takes less than ten minutes!

[Lynn Sr. stops the van and the family gets out. He also failed to notice that he accidentally kicked the gear shift into reverse and Vanzilla starts rolling backwards, unnoticed by the Louds.]

Lana: Need a hand with that flat, buddy?

Farmer: Oh, that'd be swell. The spare is buried under all these crates. [takes out a crate]

Lana: [takes the crate] Not a problem. Louds, assemble!

[The family gathers around Lana and she gives the crate to Lincoln. Lana jumps into the back and the siblings are passing the crates around and putting them in a pile while the parents are having a conversation with the farmer. Meanwhile, Vanzilla seems to have roll backward onto the car carrier, which has parked on the gas station. Hops, El Diablo, and Bitey pop up; Back with the Louds...]

Lana: Last one! [gives the last crate to Lisa. She grabs the spare tire, hops out the truck, and gets out a scissor jack to position where the tire should go.] Huh, I haven't worked one of these babies before. [to the farmer] 1920?

Farmer: '21.

Lana: 12 banger?

Farmer: 16.

Lana: Ha, ha. Nice.

[Meanwhile, the car carrier driver comes out the restrooms and gets in as the horn blares. Back with the Louds, Lana has finished putting the spare tire on while the rest of the siblings finish putting all the crates back onto the truck.]

Lana: There. This should get you where you need to go. But keep it under 50. [puts her wrench back in her toolbox.]

Farmer: [tips his hat] Much obliged for all your help, folks. Wish I could repay you in a bigger way, but... [gives a crate to Lynn Sr.] ...how about you take some of my cherries for the road.

[The twins grab a couple cherries and taste them.]

Lola: [gasps] These are delicious!

Farmer: It's all about using the right manure.

Lola: [notices what the farmer meant and spits them out.] Blegh!

Lana: [Likes them] Yes. I'm picking up some...horse notes.

Laney: [Eating the cherries] These are very good, Mr. Farmer. Mind if i take some?

Farmer: Sure. Take as much as you want. [Laney puts a few cherries in a sandwich bag as the farmer heads into his truck] You have a nice day now. [drives off as the family waves goodbye.]

Lynn Sr.: Okay, gang. Let's get back on the road.

[The family notice that Vanzilla is not there.]

Rita: [gasps] Where's Vanzilla?!

[Rita's question has been answered when they see Vanzilla on the car carrier and is driving off past them. The family screams in horror and run off after the car carrier.]

Lynn Sr.: Ah, you can't take my girl!

[The family is shouting at the driver to stop.]

Luan: No! That's our car!

Lincoln: [To the viewers] Well, there goes our vacation.


	103. Tripped! (Part 2)

**Tripped! (Part 2)**

What started out as a fun family vacation for the Louds took a terrible turn for the worst after their only transportation to their destination was last seen carried off by a man in a car carrier. What's left for this family to do...

[With their mode of transportation gone, the Loud Family is sitting on a curb near the gas station where they used the bathroom. Lynn Sr. just hung up the payphone.]

Lynn Sr.: Okay, guys. I called the cops and they're gonna try to track down Vanzilla.

Lincoln: I can't believe we're gonna miss out on the bumper boats.

Lori: And the horseback riding.

Lola: And the fudge! [Whines] Oh, the fudge!

Laney: Don't give up, you guys! This is our first real vacation in ages! We've faced bigger disasters before! I've still remember the time Lisa accidentally set the house on fire and we had to stay in that motel for two days.

Rita: That's how long it took to get us banned from there...

Lynn Sr.: Laney's right. Our vacation's not over yet. We just need to find a way to get to the hotel.

Lynn: Boom! There's a bus station right down the street!

[The family gets up and cheers as they head to the bus station.]

Lincoln: Alright!

Lori: We can still do this.

Laney: See? I told you guys, all we need is to keep a positive attiude. Weeping Willows, here we come!

Rita: [realizing something] Oh, wait. I just remembered... [to Lynn Sr.] ...your wallet and my purse are both in Vanzilla.

[Lynn Sr. looks over Rita's shoulder and sees a place called The Mud Flap Café. It looks like they are having an open mic contest, and the winner gets a cash prize.]

Lynn Sr.: 'Open mic contest?'[gets an idea] We'll just have to raise some cash. And Ol' Ding-a-ling Loud has a plan.

Lisa: Now, Father, don't be so hard on yourself. Anyone could've lost the van.

Lynn Sr.: What I meant was, Ding-a-ling as in... [pulls out his cowbell] ...my cowbell! [starts playing it.]

Lisa: Ah.

Lola: [as Lynn Sr. plays his cowbell] So, he doesn't have his wallet, but he has his cowbell?

Lisa: So both definitions of "Ding-a-ling" apply.

Laney: Glad I brought this along. [Pulls out her saxophone from her backpack]

Lincoln: Woah. How much stuff did you pack in there?

Laney: You've gotta be prepared for anything.

[Cut to outside shot of The Mud Flap Café.]

Waiter: The Mud Flap Cafe is pleased to present... the Load family.

Lola: Loud!

Waiter: [Thinking Lola means him] The Load family!

[Cuts to the Louds on stage wearing sunglasses.]

 _Lynn Sr.: [singing]_ _Wanted a family vacation._

 _Just to get out of town._

 _Had it all planned._

 _Packed up the van._

 _Ended up in a ditch somehow._

 _We've got the blues, baby._

 _Those road trippin' blues._

 _Lori, Leni, Luan, Lana, Lola and Lisa: [singing]_ _Bad, bad news._

 _All: [singing]_ _These seats smell weird._

 _The baby is crying._

 _She's probably mad we left her behind._

 _Lynn Sr.: [singing]_ _Road, road trippin' blues._

 _All: [singing]_ _La, la, la._

 _Lynn Sr.: [singing]_ _AC broke in Vanzilla_

 _Lynn: [singing]_ _The windows won't roll down._

 _Leni: [singing]_ _The bean chips of doom._

 _Luan: [choking] They spread noxious fumes!_

 _Rita: [also choking] Can't breathe! [faints]_

 _Lincoln: I think Mom passed out._

 _Lynn Sr.: [singing]_ _We got the blues, baby._

 _Those road trippin' blues._

 _Lori, Leni, Luan, Lana, Lola and Lisa: [singing]_ _Bad, bad news._

 _[Laney plays her saxophone]_

 _All: [singing]_ _The dog ran off._

 _The baby's still crying._

 _At least we didn't forget her this time._

 _Lynn Sr.: [singing]_ _Road, road trippin' blues._

 _All: [singing]_ _La la la._

 _It was one big family throw up._

 _(Glaring at Leni) From the egg salad gone wrong._

 _And that's how all of us wound up,_

 _Broke on stage singing this song._

 _Lisa: [singing]_ _Broke on stage singing this song._

 _Lynn Sr.: [singing]_ _Road, road trippin' blues._

 _All: [singing]_ _Yeah._

 _Lynn Sr.:_ _Yeah._

[Ticket transition; The Loud family are getting ready to head on the bus while Rita does a head count.]

Rita: 7, 8, 9, 10 11... Dang it. Forgot Lily again.

Laney: Nope, right here. [Points to Rita who was holding Lily the whole time]

Lily: [angrily] Goo!

Rita: Oh. So, who are we missing?

[Just then, an electric guitar can be heard playing inside the cafe, which could only mean one thing...]

Family: Luna! [run back inside to get her.]

[At that moment, the bus they were supposed to go on leaves and another bus takes its place, unbeknownst to the Louds.]

Bus Driver: [getting out] Oh, gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee.

[Luna is still rocking out on stage when Lynn appears.]

Lynn: Luna, we're gonna miss the bus! [grabs her]

Luna: [As her family carries her out.] GOODNIGHT, MUD FLAP CAFE!

Crowd Member: We love you, Load!

Laney: Loud!

Crowd Member: [Thinking she meant him] WE LOVE YOU, LOAD!

[The Louds gets inside the bus.]

Lynn Sr.: Let's save this vacation!

Bus Driver: [gets back on the bus and looks behind him to see the Loud Family.] Oh, I just thought I was transporting one. Oh well.

Laney: Transporting one? What do you mean... [Looks at the back and sees a burly convict handcuffed at the very back of the bus; frightened] Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh...

[The bus drives off and it reveals that they're actually in a prison bus.]

Lincoln: Where'd all the other passengers go?

Laney: [Still frightened] Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh...

Lola: Who cares? We got the bus to ourselves.

Laney: [Still frightened] Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh...

Lincoln: What is it, Laney? [Sees Laney poiting at the convict growling] Huh. Guess he's taking this bus too.

Rita: Honey, do you think there's something strange about this bus?

Lynn Sr.: Well, I've never seen one with shackles... [holds up a pair of handcuffs] ...but it's probably a safety thing.

Laney: [Still frightened] Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh...

Rita: Or maybe, it's a prison thing.

Lynn Sr.: [gasps] You're right. Which means that guy back there is a...

Laney: [Terrified] PRISONER!

Bus Driver: Hey, quiet back there!

[Rita and Lynn Sr. gasp and look back at the prisoner in worry. Lily is patting the prisoner's face, and Lana is observing his tattoos.]

Lana: Cool tattoos, mister. But I think your tattoo artist forgot to give this lady clothes. Don't worry... [pulls out a red marker] ...I'll fix it. [draws on his arm]

Leni: [to his right] O.M. Gosh. I am totes obsessed with your bracelets. Can I try them on?

Prisoner: Uh...sure. If you can get 'em off me.

[Leni pulls out a hair pin, and unlocks the prisoner's handcuffs. Meaning he is now free.]

Lynn Sr.: STOP THE BUS!

[The bus driver stops and drops off the Louds in the middle of a highway. Lily sees the prisoner open the back door of the bus, jump off, and land in the bushes. She giggles at this.]

Lynn Sr.: Chins up, family. This vacation isn't over. Surely, some good Samaritan will give us a ride. [notices a car coming] Oh, here we are.

Woman Passenger: [notices them; nervously] Keep going. Don't make eye contact. [The couple bury their faces in some maps as they drive by.]

Lincoln: Aw, come on!

Lynn: Weak!

Lisa: It's clear what the problem is here. No motorist is going to pick up a family of 14. I suggest we employ a technique known as "Hide the Iceberg". We put our best 10% forward, and conceal the rest.

[Cuts to Rita and Lily standing on the side of the road, while the rest of their family is hiding in the bushes with sneaky looks on their faces. Rita holds Lily out and Lily gives a thumbs up, just as a car comes along. It's revealed there's a man, a woman and a girl in said car.]

Man in Car: [concerned] Oh, look at that poor lady and her baby. [to his wife] Pull over.

[The woman pulls over the car, just as the rest of the Louds come out, screaming. The family in the car gasps, just as Lynn Sr. comes out, wailing and wearing some sort of grass outfit.]

Lynn Sr.: [jumping on the windshield] HI! WOULD YOU MIND PULLING OVER, PLEASE?!

[The family in the car screams and swerves. The lady pulls a lever, and the windshield wipers go off, flinging Lynn Sr. off the car, who lands on his stomach.]

Laney: Pro-tip: when trying to get other drivers' attention, the best way is to not run screaming into their windshield wearing a grass skirt.

Lynn Sr.: Noted.

Lola: Well, how do you think we should hitch a ride?

Laney: Allow me. [She reaches into her backpack and pulls out a sign and a marker and starts writing on it]

Lincoln: Seriously! How much stuff you got in there?

[Laney walks out and waves the sign that said "HELP US". A family with a big minivan pulls over and sees her]

Man in Car: Awww. What's the matter, little girl?

Laney: Well... we were on our way to a hotel for our vacation. But our car got lost and then we tried to take a bus there, but we accidentally went into a prison bus by mistake. And now we have no chance of getting to Weeping Willows before out deadline.

Man in Car: Weeping Willows? What a coincidence! That's where we're going! Say, would you and your family like a ride? [Laney gives her family a thumbs up and they give a thmbs up back]

Laney: Why, that would be very thoughtful. And don't worry, we won't take up much space.

Man in Car: Oh, I'm sure that won't be a bother. How big is your family anyway?

Laney: I have ten sisters and one brother.

Man in Car: I'm sorry, did you say ten sisters?... [The rest of the family minus Lynn Sr. comes out and the man and woman looked at each other in worry]

Laney: So, what do you say?

Man in Car: [Nervous] Uh... I just remembered that we have a deadline at the hotel and we don't want to waste any time so... [Lynn Sr. pops out still wearing his grass skirt]

Man and Woman in Car: Aah!

Lynn Sr.: You have to take us! Please!

Woman in Car: DRIVE, HERMAN, DRIVE!

[The Man and Woman quickly drove off]

Luan: Well, that was a wash. [Laughs]

Lynn Sr.: Too soon, honey.

[The Loud Family sit on the ground. Lana's stomach starts acting up.]

Lana: Excuse me, guys. I gotta lighten my load. [Walks in bushes] Whoa! You guys have to see this!

Rita: Just fill up the hole, sweetie. We don't need to see it.

Lana: Not that. I found our ticket out of here! [her family walks in the bushes] Though, watch your step. I also pooped.

[The Loud Family looks to see that Lana found an aircraft plane and is sitting on it.]

Lucy: Pfft, that thing will never fly.

Lana: Leave that to me. [pulls out her tools] I'll have her up and running in no time!

Luna: Well, even so, who's gonna fly it?

Luan: How about Lori? [Lori smiles at this suggestion] She's been crop-dusting us all day! [The whole family, except Lori, laughs at Luan's joke.]

Lori: [offended] Excuse me. I told you it was the seat!

Loud Family: Riiiiiiight.

Rita: I can fly the plane. [hands Lily to Lynn Sr.] Pop Pop taught me he flew jets in the military.

Lincoln: Mom, that is so cool!

Rita: That's nothing. You should see me pop wheelies in a tank, baby.

Lynn Sr.: [gasps] Is there anything else we don't know about you, honey? Honey? Rita?

[Cuts to the plane all fixed up with a diaper attached to it.]

Lana: Some parts were missing, so I had to improvise.

Lola: With a diaper?

Lana: A night time diaper. For extra strength. I even found some paint to give ol' shakey a face lift. [The front of the plane has an angry face.] And I painted Lori on the crop-duster.

Lori: [scoffs] It doesn't even look like me.

Laney: But it sure smells like you! [The family except Lori once again laugh]

Lori: Ugh!

[Rita puts on airline goggles and starts the plane with her family on it.]

Lynn Sr.: Uh, you sure you know what you're doing? Got our whole family in here. [Rita stops the plane and on top of it, she notices...]

Rita: Ah! Except Lily! [She gets her down as the others glare at her.] Hey, that one is on all of you! I'm flying the plane here. [starts the plane again]

Lincoln: Mom? You, uh...see the silo, right?

[Rita doesn't seem to notice, and everyone starts panicking, but Rita pulls up just in time and the plane flies over the silo and take to the skies. The family sighs with relief. During the flight, Lily sees something on the road.]

Lily: [Points down] Ban-zilly.

Family: Aww.

Rita: Actually, sweetie, this is an airplane.

Lily: [With a more serious tone] Ban-zilly! Ban-zilly!

Luna: [Looks to where Lily is pointing] Whoa, the Chill-ster's right, dudes. Look over there!

[The family look, and see the car carrier that has their beloved Vanzilla.]

Lynn Sr.: My baby! After that car carrier!

Lincoln: What about our 8:00 check-in time?

Lynn Sr.: The way your mother flies, that shouldn't be a problem.

[The car carrier driver blows his horn at another driver on the same road.]

Driver: Move it, slowpoke! I'm behind schedule! [He goes around the driver and sees a sign.] Speed limit enforced by aircraft? Yeah, I'll bet. [Through his carrier window, he sees the Louds' plane.] Dang it! If I get one more ticket, I'll be driving a golf cart!

[The driver drives fast and goes through a corn maze.]

Laney: He's going through that cornfield!

Rita: Don't worry. Pop-Pop taught me how to handle wise guys like this. Let's take it to him! [She flies after the driver.]

[On the car carrier, some of the Louds' stuff on top of Vanzilla start flying out.]

Luna: [Notices her drum cymbals] My hi-hat! Bogus!

Lynn: [Notices her exercise equipment] My kettlebells! Crud!

Lynn Sr.: [Notices something] My puzzles! Ding dang darn it! [Instead of catching them, he ducks.]

[The driver goes through a barn, causing all of the Louds' stuff to fall off and Vanzilla to lose its top half.]

Lynn Sr.: [Horrified about the half broken van.] AAH! MY BABY!

Leni: Yay! Now it's a convertible!

Lynn: Man, nothing stops this guy!

Lincoln: Wait a minute, we have a crop-duster.

Lori: [Still offended] Ugh! Why are you guys always piling on me?

Lincoln: Lori, I'm talking about the plane!

Lori: [gets it] Ah.

Lincoln: Get in front of him, Mom!

[Rita flies the plane in front of the driver.]

Lincoln: "Eat hot fertilizer!" [He turns the knob and green fog comes out of the crop-duster. The fog covers the driver's windshield, causing him to scream and crash into a bale of hay.]

Driver: [gets out and runs] You'll never get me, po-po!

[The family cheers in victory.]

Lisa: Flying H!

[Rita lands the plane and they rush over to the van.]

Lynn Sr.: Okay, people. We've got a check-in to make! [looks at Vanzilla close up] Ah-uh, it's okay. It's just a little scratched.

[Hops, El Diablo, and Bitey pop up and are happy to see Lana again.]

Lana: [hugs them] My babies! I thought I lost you!

Lola: [sarcastically] Wouldn't that have been tragic.

[Lily sees another bale of hay roll up to the plane and it reveals the prisoner from earlier. He gets on the plane and flies away. She giggles at this once again.]

[Nighttime. The Louds drive up a hill and finally make it to Weeping Willow with what's left of Vanzilla. Eventually, the tires give out.]

Lynn Sr.: It's one minute to 8:00. We're gonna have to hoof it! [They get out and run inside the resort. Once inside Lynn Sr. puts some money on the front desk.] Lynn Loud Sr. checking in.

Concierge: [types on her computer and notices something.] Oh no. I'm so sorry, Mr. Loud. But you missed your check-in time, and we gave away your rooms.

Lynn Sr.: But, but- But, but it's 8:00!

Concierge: Actually, sir... [points to the clock] ...it's 8:35.

Lynn Sr.: [looks at his watch, only to find out it's broken.] Oh, my watch stopped. How did that happen?

[Flashback to when they were on the plane.]

Lynn Sr.: My puzzles!

[When he ducked, it turned out one of the suitcase's wheels managed to break his watch and he looks back. End flashback.]

Laney: You had to go get your puzzles...

Lynn Sr.: Ah, please, can't you give us another room? We'll take anything you got!

Concierge: [looks at the results] I'm so sorry. The entire hotel is full.

Luan: You don't know what we've been through.

Luna: I've got a song about it!

Rita: Not now, honey.

Concierge: I'd love to help you folks, but there's really nothing I can do.

?: But there is something I can do.

[The Louds turn around and it reveals to be the farmer they helped earlier.]

Lynn: Farmer Speedy?

Farmer: If it wasn't for you guys, I probably would've missed the check-in myself. So, the least I can do is help you folks out. You're staying with me.

Lola: Well, that's sweet, mister, but we're a pretty big family. How would you have enough space for all of us?

Farmer: Oh, not a problem. I've got the whole top floor. Let me introduce myself, I'm Jerry Kling, the cherry king. [holds up a jar of his company-branded cherries.]

Lynn Sr.: [gasps] What? I-I cook with your cherries all the time.

Jerry Kling: Well, come on, folks. Let me show you to your quarters.

[The Louds chatter in excitement.]

Luan: Aw, this was very cherry-table of you. Up until now, this vacation was the pits. [laughs; Laney shoves some cherries into Luan's mouth]

Laney: Have some cherries...

[And so the next day, the Louds enjoy their vacation at the Weeping Willow. Lori, Leni, Luan, and Lucy are riding horses, but Leni is facing the wrong way. Luna, Lynn, Lincoln, Laney, Lana, and Lisa are on tubes in the lake squirting each other with water guns, Jerry and Lola are snacking on some of his cherries at the dock, and Rita and Lynn Sr. are relaxing while Lily makes a sand castle.]

Lynn Sr.: Well, honey, we made it. Our first real family vacation.

Rita: I think we should make this a Loud family tradition.

[The couple clink their drinks together. Far away, the prisoner is still on the plane they used, celebrating his freedom.]

Prisoner: [laughs] I'm free! Woo-hoo!

[Just then, his celebration is cut short when the plane runs out of fuel and the engine shuts down. The plane starts to fall while the prisoner is still above the sky.]

Prisoner: Dang it.

[He falls too and lands back in the local prison and a gate clanking shut is heard. Camera pans over to the crop-duster as well as the other parts of the plane in the trees and the crop-duster farts one last time.]


	104. Head Poet's Anxiety

**Head Poet's Anxiety**

[One morning at Sunset Canyon Retirement Home, Luan is entertaining on the day trip bus.]

Luan: Guess who I bumped into on the way to the optometrist? Everyone! [The elders laugh at this joke.] What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? I'll never part with it.

[The elderly continue to laugh and applaud. Bernie laughs so hard his dentures fly out.]

Scoots: [To Pop-Pop] There go Bernie's teeth again.

Pop-Pop: How about that talent, eh? That's my granddaughter.

Luan: [Takes a bow] A-thank you. [Puts her funny glasses on.] Well, this is my stop, so I mustache you, to excuse me.

[The elders laugh as the bus pulls up in front of the Loud House and Luan gets off and walks past Lincoln and Clyde who are on their bikes, and Laney who was on the tire swing.]

Lincoln: What's that all about?

Luan: Oh, that's my new gig, I'm the entertainer on the Giggling Geezer.

Clyde: Giggling Geezer?

Luan: The bus Sunset Canyon uses to take the seniors on day trips, do you realize what this means? Today the Giggling Geezer, tomorrow the Royal Woods Theater.

Clyde: Tomorrow? Can we still get tickets?

Luan: No, not tomorrow, tomorrow, someday tomorrow, I hope to be the youngest person to ever perform there.

Laney: Wow, Luan. That's so cool. I've always dreamed I would show all my wonderful artwork to everyone in the theater. I can see it now, people would pay millions to see my paintings, and marvel at my artistic genius.

Luan: I appreciate the challenge, Laney. Maybe someday you'll make it.

Laney: You really think so?

Luan: Absolutely.

Lincoln: Well, congratulations, keep reaching for those dreams.

Luan: [Touched] Aw, thanks, you're so supportive. [She and Laney go into the house]

Lincoln: [To Clyde] The more success she has, the less time she has to prank us.

Clyde: Ah. [sits on his bike seat which is revealed to be woppee cushioned, Clyde holds it up.] Guess she still has time.

[Luan and Laney goes into the house and up the stairs, Luan gasps when she steps on something, or rather someone. They looks down and sees Lucy depressed.]

Laney: What's wrong Lucy? Something bad happen to Edwin?

Lucy: No. I submitted my best poem to the Transylvania Review, they didn't want it, I must not have what it takes to be a poet.

Luan: Your first rejection letter, huh? Well step into my office, I wanna show you something. [Later, in Luan's room, Lucy is laying on the bed, and Luan brings out a bag full of papers.] These are my rejection letters.

Laney: That's nothing. [Carries a heavy bag of papers] These are _my_ rejection letters.

Lucy: [Takes a look] It's like coffins for your dreams.

Laney: You say it's a big dream coffin. We'd like to think of it more as progress.

Luan: Exactly, Lanes. It's just part of the creative life, you can't expect to shoot to the top right away, when I was your age, I had to start at the bottom. [Flashback to when she was eight years old, and performing at Charles' birthday for him Cliff and Walt, using a hairbrush as a microphone.] Performing for our pets birthdays.

Young Luan: What did the dalmatian say after eating a snack? That hit the spot. [The pets don't seem very interested.] Wow, ruff crowd. [Sees that Charles peed on her shoe, and is now aggravating.] Dang it, Charles!

Luan: [Still narrating. Flashback to her performing at the bowling alley's open mic, with her soon to be soul mate Mr. Coconuts.] It was a long time before I was ready to try my act out in public.

Young Luan: [Laughs] Good one, Mr. Coconuts, you bowl me over. [Looks around to see no applause.]

Mr. Coconuts: Guess that one landed in the gutter, toots.

[Mr. Coconuts laughs, but the audience starts booing and throwing curly fries at both of them.]

Young Luan: [Using Mr. Coconuts as a shield.] Ah! Curly fries!

Luan: [Currently narrating] Even then, I still had a lot to learn about comedy. [Flashback changes to Luan graduating from clown school.] So I enrolled in a clowning academy. [Her instructor places a red nose on her face and Luan shakes his hand, getting joy buzzed, which she laughs at.] Finally, after paying my dues, I was ready to build my own business. [Flashback to her 'Funny Business' performing at a kids birthday, she jumps through the banner.] How do turtles talk to each other? On their shell phones. [Laughs, the kids cheer and Luan takes a bow, her hat falling off, end flashback]

Laney: And it took me a while to get the hang of art when I was young... [Flashback to when Laney was 3 years old. She was playing with the paints using her brush and her hands. She giggled as she painted]

Young Laney: Mommy! Daddy! Look what I made!

Rita: Aww, look at that honey. Our little girl's an artist.

Lynn Sr.: She sure is, honey. Though I wish she would stop using the wall as her canvas. [The wall was seen completely covered in paint by Laney]

Laney: [Currently narrating] Then, on my sixth birthday, I was taken to an art museum. [Laney looked at the many arts at the museum in awe] What these artists made were absolutley breathtaking. I dreamed that one day, that one of my paintings would be hung in a museum for everyone to see and eventually bought at an art auction. [End flashback, Laney was seen swooning from her memories; sighs] One day, I wish to join those talented artists.

[Luan puts her hand on Lucy's shoulder.]

Luan: Just be patient, and keep trying, and no matter how hard it gets, remember, you always have sisters who know you're [Puts her funny glasses on.] spec-tacular!

Lucy: [smiles] I feel a lot better. You guys know so much. Maybe you two could help me become a successful poet.

Luan: I suppose we could stanza to do that. After all, we are pretty well versed in mentoring. We'd make quite a couplet!

[She and Lucy laugh. Laney facepalms at Luan's puns]

[Later they are in Lucy's room, Luan writing 'LUCY'S PLAN' on a whiteboard, she underlines that, and starts a list of what to do.]

Luan: Okay, so your first step is to, sharpen your skills, at home.

[Later, they are in the living room with their father, him reading the manuscript Lucy created for the Aloha Comrade's new menu.]

Lynn Sr.: 'Fresh tuna, shrouded in a cold beet sauce, and laid to rest on a bed of pineapple'. Great job Lucy, this is the perfect update to the Aloha Comrade menu [Luan winks at Lucy] I was just gonna say 'fish and sauce'!

[Even later, Lucy, Laney, and Luan are in Leni's room, Leni reading Lucy's review of a black sequin gown.]

Leni: 'Looking for a outfit that'll knock them dead? This black sequin gown shimmers like the eyes of a hundred vampires, on a moonless night.' This is perfect, I can't wait to put it on my fashion blog. [Tears the page out of the notebook, and slaps it onto her computer screen.] Done.

[Luan and Lucy just look at each other. Later, they are back in Lucy's room, Laney writing the next step down.]

Laney: Next, you need to get some _formal training_.

[At the Royal Woods Recreation Center, Lucy is enrolled in a poetry class.]

Poetry Teacher: Okay class, give me your best rhymes for rose.

Poetry Student 1: Chose.

Poetry Student 2: Close.

Poetry Student 3: Bows.

Lucy: Decompose.

Poetry Teacher: [Impressed] Ooh, evocative.

[Lucy smiles, Back in her room, Luan is writing the next step.]

Luan: The next step is to start putting your work out there.

[Later, and the Artist Alley, Lucy, Laney, and Luan are at a booth called This Mortal Toile, with a sign that reads 'Hand-Stitched Pillows (of darkness). A married couple walks past and the soon to be mother sees their pillows.]

Pregnant Goth Mom: [To her biker husband] Oh honey, these pillows would be perfect for the nursery, [picks up her two favorites] I can't decide, 'Rage Against Conformity' or 'Embrace the Darkness'?

Luan: [As Lucy wraps up the pillows for them.] Get 'em both, you might have twins. [Later they are back in Lucy's room, Luan writing the final step.] Okay, you're almost ready to read your work in public. But first, you gotta build a thick skin.

[Lucy is nervous about this step. Later that night, she is in Luan's room, standing in front of a brick wall façade, reading a poem.]

Lucy: Melancholy night before a hopeless dawn. The sun is rising soon, but all my joy is gone.

[Stops as her siblings, minus Luan, Leni and Laney, start booing at her.]

Leni: [Being her usual kind self] Oh, I don't wanna do this.

Luan: It's for her own good.

Lola: I'll show you how it's done. [To Lucy] That poem is terrible! I've been more moved by Lynn's farts!

Lynn: [Flattered] Aw, thank you.

Lola: You smell weird, your hair is wrong, and I would not recommend you to my friends! [Shoots her a 'what're you gonna do about that?' look, but Luan gives her a 'reassurance' smile, and Lucy writes something else in her book.]

Lucy: Mean little blonde, you throw stones and sticks. But what would you know? You're only six. [Laney clapped for Lucy's poem]

Luan: [Proud] Boo-yah! That's my girl. Lucy, time to take your show on the road.

[The next day, Luan takes Lucy on the Giggling Geezer.]

Luan: Why couldn't Timmy ride a bicycle? Because Timmy was a goldfish. [The seniors and Lucy laugh] A-thank you. Now I present to you our visiting poet, Lucy Loud, I know she'll show you a good rhyme.

[Gives Lucy the intercom mic, and lucy looks at all the seniors looking at her.]

Lucy: The end is near, give up all hope.

[The elderly are horrified]

Luan: Why don't we try another one? [whispers to Lucy] You gotta know your audience.

[Lucy switches poems]

Lucy: Ode to Pop-Pop.

Pop-Pop: I like it already!

Lucy: Warm eyes and anchor tattoo, blends his food, no need to chew, orange suspenders, he's got style, he'll lift your soul with just a smile.

[Pop-Pop sheds a tear, and all the seniors cheer as the bus pulls up in front of the Loud House and Luan and Lucy get off.]

Laney: So, how did it go?

Luan: Lucy killed back there!

Laney: Oh, that's great... Not literally, right?

Luan: Well Luce, I'd say your ready to fly solo now, but if you ever have any questions, you can come to us.

Lucy: [smiles] Thank you guys, you're the best mentors ever.

Laney: And you're the best student ever.

Lynn Sr.: [Who is watching through the window.] Honey! Lucy's smiling, get the camera!

[The next day, Luan is back on the Giggling Geezer.]

Luan: [Having already made the setup, most likely involving bananas.] That sounds more appealing. [She and the other elders laugh, and Bernie's teeth fly out the window, again.]

Scoots: Driver, pull over, Bernie lost his chompers again.

[The driver stops, and Luan gets out with Bernie.]

Luan: Gum on, I'll help you find 'em [sees something approaching]

[Lucy and Laney scooter up to them and stops in front of Luan.]

Lucy: [Sweaty, and panting] Luan, I've been chasing you for six blocks, I have amazing news, my poetry teacher is hosting a poetry festival, and has asked me to be a part of it.

Luan: [Excited for Lucy] That is amazing, congrats!

Laney: And the exciting part is it's being held at Royal Woods Theater!

Luan: [Shocked to realize that all her years of hard work and commitment, were all for nothing, dawns a fake smile.] You don't say.

Lucy: No kid has ever performed on stage there before.

Laney: And now, Lucy is gonna be the first!

Luan: [Clenching her fists] You don't say.

Lucy: Is your face okay?

Laney: Oh, she's just really excited for you. Lucy, I'm so proud at you. [Hugs Lucy]

Lucy: Thanks, Laney.

Luan: [Her face cringing] Me too... [Wraps her arms around Lucy's neck and face like a cobra, and through clenched teeth.] It's just so happy for you, [tightening her arms and unclenching her teeth] it's just so, so, great how you didn't have to struggle too long to make your dreams come true, [tightens her arms even more, and clenching her teeth again.] so, so, great.

Laney: Uh, Luan? That's a little too tight... Must be really excited...

Lucy: [Using what was left of her strength to pry Luan's arm off her neck.] I, can't, breathe. [Luan, keeping her fake smile, lets Lucy and Laney go, and starts patting her helmet as Lucy catches her breath.] Thank you so much, guys, [Luan's eyes start twitching] if it wasn't for you two, I never would have made it to the Royal Woods Theater.

Laney: Aw! Thank you, Lucy!

Luan: Yes, thank you.

[Lucy and Laney scooter away, and Luan's fake smile disappears.]

Bernie: [Pops out of a bush with a pinecone, thinking it's his teeth.] Found 'em! [Luan's distraught look turns to an annoyed look as Bernie shoves the pinecone into his mouth, and realizes.] Whoops, not my teeth.

[Back at the house, a very bummed out Luan opens the fridge, sighs, closes the fridge, and Lucy pops up behind the door, scaring Luan, and setting off her gag flower.]

Lucy: [Trying to get more advice, while Luan wipes her shirt.] I'm really nervous about my reading tomorrow, do vocal exercises help? I know one called the endless moan.

[Moans endlessly, while Luan just glares.]

Luan: [Sarcastically] Sure, do that, that's great.

[Later, she is in her room, brushing Gary, when Lucy pops up behind her with Laney]

Laney: Hey, Luan. I'm helping Lucy pick out a dress for tomorrow night.

Lucy: Which shade of black do you think is better for the reading? 'Eternal Sadness'? Or 'Vacant Tomb'?

Luan: I don't know, [annoyed] Eternal Tomb.

Laney: Are you sure your okay? You don't look very excited.

Luan: [angrily] Yes I am! Now leave me alone!

[Later that evening, Luan is brushing her teeth, she spits, and sees Lucy in the mirror.]

Lucy: I read that making good eye contact with the audience is important. [Luan turns around] How's this? [Makes eye contact with Luan, even though her eyes are covered.] Is this better? [Luan gets annoyed, and storms off, shoving Lucy aside, Lucy is oblivious.] How about this? [Luan is watching TV with an annoyed expression on her face, when Lucy suddenly appears in front of her.] What if I get stage fright? I mean, I could handle the Giggling Geezer, but this crowd is going to be huge.

Luan: [turns off the TV; frustrated] Why are you even asking me, Lucy?! You're the genius who got a gig at the Royal Woods Theater, not me! So, why don't you figure it out?! [Luan storms off just before Laney could get to the stairs first]

Laney: Heh. I'll go talk to her. [Walks upstairs and sees Luan very angry] Luan, what gives? Lucy goes on stage tomorrow and she needs both our help.

Luan: Whay should I even help her!? She stole my dream!

Laney: What? Luan, I'd thought you'd be more happy for Lucy.

Luan: Well, I was until I found out she was going to perform at the theater! I was supposed to be the first kid to be on stage!

Laney: Well, you can still perform on that stage.

Luan: After you?

Laney: Well, yes. [Luan glared] I... I mean no... I mean- [Luan interrupts her]

Luan: Just stop it, Laney! You're just like Lucy! You want to be a big shot, and step all over someone else's goals to do it!

Laney: No! Luan! You helped her!

Luan: [Angrier] So did you! And yet, you want the same thing she wants! To steal my childhood dream!

Laney: [Angry] Why can't you be supportive for her!?

Luan: [Angrier] Why do you have such a DREAM-STEALING PARASITE!?

[Laney froze in shock as Luan said those awful words to her and started to cry as her feelings were badly hurt. Luan instantly regretted calling her that and became less angry]

Luan: L-Laney. I... I'm sorry I didn't mean to.. [Before she could say anything else, Laney ran off sobbing. Luan looked on in remorse and sighed as she went to bed]

[The next day, Luan is putting on her formal attire.]

Luan: [To herself] Okay, let's just get this over with. [Sighs] Maybe they'll seat us behind someone with big hair so I don't have to watch my sister steal my dreams.

[She walks out of her room, and is confused to see the rest of her family being their usual chaotic selves, Lola comes out of the bathroom with her sleep face...]

Leni: [Offscreen] But Lori, I was wearing fuchsia today.

[Lynn is doing upside-down crunches, and Lisa comes out of Lucy's room with medical equipment.]

Luan: [To Lisa] Hey, what's going on? Why isn't anybody ready for Lucy's reading?

Lisa: Lucy will not be doing said reading.

Luan: What? Why not?

Lisa: She claims to be ill, though I just checked her vitals and she seems medically fine. It must all be in her head.

[Luan pokes her head into Lucy's room and sees Lucy laying in her bed.]

Luan: Hey Luce, Lisa said you're too sick to do the reading.

Lucy: Cough, cough, yeah, my throat is killing me, and I think I've got a fever.

Lynn: [Having finished her crunches, scoffs at Lucy.] That was weak.

[Luan watches Lynn leave the room, and feels Lucy's forehead.]

Luan: Hmm, you feel fine to me. [Pauses] Is there any chance you're faking, just because you're afraid to go on stage?

Lucy: Umm, [sits up] not exactly.

Luan: Hmm, well something's going on, [puts her hand on Lucy's shoulder] you can tell me.

Lucy: Sigh, okay, Lincoln told me it was your dream to be the youngest person to ever perform at the Royal Woods Theater, [puts her pillow over her face] I don't wanna take that from you.

Luan: Really? So you're giving up on this huge opportunity just for me?

Lucy: How could I not? After all you've done for me.

Luan: [Feels guilty and realizes what she needs to do.] Alright! [Takes the pillow off Lucy's face.] Get out of bed!

Lucy: What?

Luan: [Sits Lucy up] You're doing the festival! [gets two dresses from Lucy's closet and examines them.] I think we should go with Vacant Tomb.

Lucy: That's actually Eternal Sadness. [gets off her bed] Luan, I don't understand. What about-?

Luan: What kind of a mentor would I be if I allowed you to miss this opportunity? Look, I'm sorry I got jealous before. You've earned this.

Lucy: [Runs up to Luan and hugs her, surprising Luan.] Thanks, Luan.

[Luan returns the hug, just as Lynn Sr. walks past.]

Lynn Sr.: [Makes sure he's seeing it right] Honey! Lucy's hugging someone, get the camera!

Luan: Now let's go find Laney and- [Stopped and remembered what she said to Laney last night and began to feel guilty] Laney. Where is she? [Lucy pointed up to Laney's bunk where she completely coverd herself and did not move since Luan hurt her feelings] Laney? Are you okay. [Laney did not speak a word after Luan insulted her; sighs] I can't blame you for being upset with me. I should've said what I've said to you last night. You helped Lucy just as much as I did and you were right, I should've been more supportive, and I'm sorry I've acted so jealous and mean to you. If you want to show your art to everyone in the Royal Woods Theater, that's okay with me. Because I'm done trying to hog the spotlight with anyone else who dreams of going to the top. What I'm trying to say is... I'm sorry. [Laney started to feel less angry] Really, really, really, really, really, reeeeeeealllly sorry. [Laney started to look at Luan]

Laney: What you said to me really hurt me, Luan. You literally called me a parasite. That's the most lowest kind of creature in the world! I don't think an apology isn't to cut it this time. [Luan looked down for a second but got an idea]

Luan: No. But I think I know what will...

[That night at the Royal Woods Theater, Lucy's whole family and the seniors from the Giggling Geezer are watching the festival, Lucy's poetry teacher comes out to introduce the next poet.]

Poetry Teacher: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our next poet, Lucy Loud.

[There is an applause as Lucy takes the stage while dragging a mysterious object hidden under a tarp. Lucy sees her family and adjusts the microphone.]

Lucy: Before I begin, I present to you all something very special. [She pulls out the tarp revealing that under it was one of Laney's paintings that showed both her, Lucy, and Luan. The audience was astounded.] This painting was created from my sister Laney. The most talented artist in my family. [Laney eyes widened and she smiled to see one of her paintings was shown to everyone in the theater] And now, I have created a poem to go along with this wonderful piece. [Reads the poem] " **Dreams burnt to ash, hope tangled like laces, till love swept in, with puns and funny faces. Where my path will lead, I can't be sure, but if ever I'm lost, I'll look up to her and her.** "

[Luan and Laney smile at this.]

Laney: I can't believe you've got one of my paintings into the theater, Luan!

Luan: It was the least I could do. It was your dream.

Laney: It was your dream, too.

Luan: How about we just learn to share our dream.

Laney: I'd like that.

[Laney and Luan hug]


	105. Deal Me Out

**Deal Me Out**

[The episode starts at the Royal Woods Mall, where Lincoln and Clyde are in line to get tickets for the upcoming Ace Savvy convention.]

Lincoln: [Slaps down the cash] Two tickets, please.

Clyde: And two programs.

[The vendor hands them two flyers and Lincoln passes one to Clyde.]

Lincoln: "Whoa, check this out! There's gonna be a panel of Ace's arch-enemies. I hope the Old Maid is there!"

Clyde: And I have some questions for the Flash Card. There's a rumor he's getting his own spin-off!

Lincoln: [To the viewers] Clyde and I are going to the Ace Savvy Convention tomorrow. It's one of the most sacred Clincoln McCloud traditions.

Clyde: Hey, there's Lance and Trent. [Goes up to the two boys] Hey, guys. Picking up tickets for the convention?

Lance: Nah, but my little brother is. We're just waiting while he's in line.

[Suddenly, Ace Savvy appears behind Lincoln and Clyde.]

Ace Savvy: Hello, boys. Who wants a picture with their old pal Ace?

[Lincoln and Clyde gasp in excitement and pull out their cellphones to take a picture but...]

Trent: No thanks, dude. We're a little past our Ace Savvy phase.

Lance: Yeah, we gave that up when we were seven.

[Lincoln and Clyde look at each other.]

Ace Savvy: No big deal. Guess it's just not in the cards. [Holds up his set of cards then Ace strikes a pointing pose to Lincoln and Clyde. The boys do the same.]

Lance: And that's why we gave it up. [scoffs] So dorky.

Trent: So, what are you guys doing here?

Lincoln: Uh, us? [He and Clyde look nervous, they hide their programs.] Just hangin' at the mall, like guys do.

Clyde: Yeah, you know, lookin' for chicks, buying aftershave, mature stuff.

Lance: [As he and Trent walk off] Cool, well, see you in school Monday.

Clyde: [worried] Oh no, Lincoln! Do you think they're right? Are we too old for Ace Savvy?

[Lincoln and Clyde looks around to see kids younger than them dressed in Ace Savvy attire.]

Lincoln: Huh. I guess we are the oldest kids here.

Clyde: And we have outgrown our costumes a little.

[Flashback to Lincoln and Clyde struggling to get their Ace Savvy costumes on. Clyde ends up falling backwards; End flashback.]

Lincoln: And according to the program, we're too tall for the Bounce House of Cards. [realizing] Wow. Maybe we are too old for Ace, and we've just been blind to it.

Clyde: Maybe. But what are we gonna do? Quit Ace? It's what brought us together in the first place.

[Flashback to Halloween when Lincoln and Clyde were five, and a seven year old Lynn, wouldn't wait for her brother, who was dressed as Ace Savvy.]

Young Lincoln: [To Lynn] Lynn! Wait up! Mom said you have to stay with me. [Walking along in the opposite direction was a five year old Clyde, dressed as One-Eyed Jack, Lynn hurdles right over him, he looks in annoyance at her running off and returns to his trick or treating, Lincoln is still chasing her, but runs right into what was about to become his best friend. The boys bump into each other, and Clyde's nose starts bleeding, Lincoln helps him up.] Oh jeez, I'm sorry. [Offers Clyde his cape] Here. use my cape. Ace Savvy is always ready to lend a hand.

Young Clyde: Thanks, [The boys shake hands] I'm Clyde, what's your name?

[Flashback ends]

Clyde: [tearing up] Dang it. [uses his flyer as a tissue] That story gets me every time.

Lincoln: I know Ace brought us together, but Clyde, we were five years old. Maybe it's time we move on and find new hobbies. Stuff that's more for kids our age.

Clyde: Dr. Lopez does say 'I can't move forward if I'm always looking in the rear view mirror'. Let's do it!

Lincoln: Aces! [realizes] Sorry, starting now.

[Later, in the park. Laney was painting a picture of her pet pig Squeals]

Laney: Oh, Squeals, you look divine. [Squeals is seen looking like "The Thinker" sculpture. Squeals happily snorts]

Lincoln: Laney. There you are. We were hoping to find you here.

Laney: Oh, hey guys. You want to get paintings too?

Lincoln: No, Laney. We need your help. We want to find new hobbies.

Laney: Why do you need new hobbies? The only thing you guys bond over is your love of "Ace Savvy".

Lincoln: Yeah, we decided to quit Ace Savvy.

Laney: [surprised gasp] Give up Ace Savvy!? But you guys loved that guy!

Lincoln: When we were six! But times have changed since then, Laney. We're getting older and older kids like us can't be seen with something as childish as Ace. It's time for us to move on. Right, Clyde?

Clyde: You are so right, Lincoln. Like Dr Lopez said: "you can't move forward if you're always looking in the rear view mirror".

Laney: I have no idea what that means. But if that's what you guys really want. I guess I can't stop you from growing up.

Lincoln: So what do you think we should do, Laney?

Laney: Well, maybe you guys can try painting. [Holds out some paint supplies and hands them to Clyde and Lincoln]

Lincoln: You bet we can. Painting is the perfect thing for us sophisticated eleven year olds. [He and Clyde began to paint]

Clyde: My dads and I use to paint all the time while we were at a creative arts class.

[The boys continue painting until they were finished]

Clyde and Lincoln: Done! [Laney and Squeals walk over to see the boys paintings and they were crudely painted Squeals gasped]

Laney: Uh, those paintings aren't very flattering. Clyde, I thought you said you painted all the time with your dads.

Clyde: Yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that I wasn't very good. I drew an unflattering picture of the teacher that got me counseling for two hours.

[Squeals slaps the boys for ther unflattring portraits]

Lincoln: How about we try something else, Laney?

[Cut to later, Laney and the boys were birdwatching near a golf course]

Laney: Birdwatching is always a favorite for all kids.

Clyde: Oh, great idea, Laney. Birdwatching is a great way to learn about all the interesting species of birds. [Looks over by a tree] Oh! Like that one! A Yellow-bellied sap-sucker! [Laney looks with her binoculars and sees a pigeon] Uh, no. That's a pigeon.

Lincoln: Hey look! I think I see a robin!

Laney: Uh, no. Another pigeon.

Clyde: But how about that-

Laney: Pigeon.

Clyde: Ah.

Lincoln: Dang it! This is not getting us anywhere!

Clyde: Maybe we need to bring the birds here to us.

Lincoln: Good idea, Clyde. We'll just bring them these crumbs from the sandwiches we made for lunch. [He and Clyde take off small pieces of their sandwich around]

Laney: Lincoln, wait! That's not a good idea!

Lincoln: Why not- [A flock of pidgeons gather around Clyde and Lincoln] AAAHH! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!

Laney: Hang on! I got it! [Laney grabbed a golf club and tried to shoo away the pidgeons] Shoo! Shoo! [Accidentally hits Cyde and Lincoln in the process]

Clyde: Ow!

Lincoln: Ow!

Laney: Sorry!

[Later after Clincoln McCloud recover from the bird injury]

Laney: Okay, I realize now that I was focusing more on girls hobbies other boys' hobbies. [Zooms out to see that Laney and the boys are on a boat] Maybe fishing is more your speed.

Lincoln: Good call, sis. And bonus, we can cook and eat what we catch.

Clyde: I packed us some sandwiches, but okay. Just then, Clyde suddenly gets a bite on his rod.] Whoa! I think I got something!

Lincoln: Reel it in! That's our lunch!

[Clyde does so and reels in a large, monstrous fish. The trio shriek in terror as Lincoln swats the fish off the boat.]

Clyde: Get it out!

[The boat toppled over as Lincoln, Laney, and Clyde gasped up to the surface.]

Laney: How did that fish get so big!?

Lincoln: Well, the important thing is, we caught one.

Clyde: [Sees the floating sandwiches] Yeah, and we still have our sandwiches for lunch. [Just as he says that, the fish emerged and eats them.]

[Later, the kids are at the skate park.]

Laney: Okay, fishing is definitely a no. But I think you'll be more interested in skateboarding. I assume that what you boys like. I used to see lots of boys your age skate around.

Lincoln: And they shoud. Because that's exactly what kids our age should be doing. [They are now on opposite sides of the half pipe, and Lincoln goes for it.] Hey, I'm doin' it! [High fives Clyde on the other side.] Give it a try Clyde.

Clyde: Here I go! [But then, Clyde slips from his skateboard, Lincoln slips from his own as well, and both crashed each other at the back of their heads, making their helmets break.]

Laney: There goes my deposit on those helmets.

[The Loud House. Laney and the boys were in the kitchen sitting down on the table]

Laney: [sighs] Okay. We tried skateboarding, fishing, bird watching, painting, climbing, decorating, planting, bug catching. Nothing! Heck, you guys even lost all the coins while coin collecting! Clyde, I understand, but Lincoln? How could you screw up? I've seen you collect coins tons of times!

Lincoln: Sorry, Laney. I guess I'm a little rusty. I've been too focused on Ace Savvy.

Laney: Well, I guess that's it. Clearly you guys love Ace Savvy more than anything. Maybe it's best that you stick with it.

Clyde: And be openly mocked for liking childish things? Never!

Lincoln: Clyde's right! It's for our own good. We need to let go of the past. In fact, we need to let go of a lot of other things.

[Later, the boys and Laney are biking down the street with their Ace Savvy stuff.]

Clyde: Are you sure we need to get rid of our Ace Savvy stuff?

Lincoln: I know it hurts, buddy, but now that we have new hobbies, we just don't need it anymore.

Laney: I still not sure you should be doing this, guys. I mean, you like Ace Savvy.

Lincoln: Not anymore, Laney. It's time we move on from Ace. There's just no room in our other awesome hobbies for it anymore.

Clyde: [to his toy] Tell that to my One-Eyed Jack action figure. He's giving me his signature death glare. [Clyde looks uneasy as he stuffed it in the box, he sighed in relief.]

[Cut to the Flip's Food and Fuel sign.]

Laney: What are we doing at Flip's?

Clyde: That's what I'm wondering. I thought we were going to a pawn shop.

Lincoln: We were, I guess I wrote down the wrong address.

[Lincoln and Clyde were about to leave, but Flip stops them off-screen.]

Flip: No ya didn't, chief. You've come to the right place. [Presses the button on his remote witch changes the sign to 'Pat's Pawn Prawns'.]

Clyde: Pat's Pawn Prawn? Who's Pat?

[Flip presses the button on his nametag, switching it to 'Pat'.]

Flip: You're lookin' at 'em. [Walks inside, then comes back out.]

Laney: But, you're name's Flip.

Flip: Nope. Flip's the other guy. Name's Pat, I'm Pat. This here's Pat. [Laney glares at Flip]

[Lincoln and Clyde looked at each other, then shrugged, and walked inside. Once inside, Flip pressed the button reveling various comics and electronics, Flip pulls out a bucket of prawns and munched on one. The boys look at each other again, shrug, and place their stuff on the counter.]

Flip: [Checks the items in the box.] Ehh, let's see here. I'll give ya ten bucks for the whole she-bang. [Pulls out a ten dollar bill.]

Lincoln: TEN BUCKS?!

Flip: [Holds the money out to the boys.] Take it or leave it?! Pat's a busy guy!

Lincoln: [Angrily takes the bill] Fine.

Laney: Guys! You shoudn't be doing this! You can't just sell your collection to Flip!

Flip: [offscreen] Pat!

Lincoln: Sorry, Laney. But remember, for our own good.

Laney: Do you really think it's for your own good?

Lincoln: Of course it is, Laney. [Realizes something else] Wait Clyde, we still have our tickets to the convention.

Clyde: [Sighs] Guess we should sell those, too.

Laney: Your convention tickets. But you guys have been looking forward to the Ace Savvy convention for weeks! You could not stop talking about it!

Clyde: That was before we found out it was for babies! And if there's one thing we don't do, is look like babies!

Laney: Well, that's still no reason for you guys to sell off your tickets to Flip. [Zoom out to see Flip who is now wearing a tuxedo]

Flip: Nope. Who's Flip? I'm Tucker, of Tucker's Tix Tux! [Laney angrily growls at him]

[Later, The kids walk out of the store]

Lincoln: You'll see, Laney. Now that we're free from our silly Ace Savvy obsession, we can finally do things we've never got to do.

Clyde: Now if you excuse us we're gonna 'catch some mad air on the half pipe'! I've been looking up skateborder lingo. [They leave]

Laney: Those two boys think they're done with Ace Savvy. But I know for a fact that they're not ready to fold just yet. [smirks] And I'm gonna wring that out of them...

[Later, at the park Lincoln and Clyde are carrying their skateboard gear sitting on a bench.]

Lincoln: I don't know about you, Clyde, but I'm loving our new hobbies.

Clyde: Me too, buddy. I am not looking at the rear view mirror anymore. [Pulls out his mirror from his helmet.] Well, I am, but, it's just for safety. [He looks up from his mirror and sees a kid at the sandbox playing with action figures of Ace Savvy and One-Eyed Jack. Clyde, not wanting Lincoln to find out about this, spoke to Lincoln.] Uh, just realized, I forgot my... aftershave this morning, I should go to the bathroom and dab some on. [Walks off, sneaking past Lincoln on the bench, and goes up to the kid.]

Clyde: Hi there! Mind if I join?

Kid at Sandbox: Sure. You can be Ace.

Clyde: Well, usually I'm Jack.

[The kid hands Clyde a One-Eyed Jack action figure and the two of them start playing. Meanwhile, at the bench, a mother and a son, who is watching Ace Savvy TV show on a tablet walked by, Lincoln took notice of it and followed them.]

Flash Card: [Laughs evilly] Looks like I've got the upper hand, Ace!

[Lincoln starts repeating the line Ace Savvy said on the episode.]

Lincoln: Think again, Flash Card! No one makes Ace Savvy fold! [The kid notices Lincoln behind him.] Sorry, I just really love this episode. You mind turning up the brightness?

[Later, the boys come back to the bench and gasp at each other in surprise.]

Clyde: Sorry it took so long, gone to the bathroom and I realized I haven't shaved, so had to do that first.

Lincoln: No problem, I, uh, was over at the pond, talking bait with some fisherman.

[The boys sit down on the bench smiling nervously, glancing at each other a bit.]

[Later, at the Royal Woods Mall, Lincoln and Clyde are at a car shop.]

Clyde: Just two guys checking out mufflers. What an age appropriate way to spend a Saturday.

Lincoln: Totally, I don't feel bad at all for missing the convention today. [Goes up to a muffler] Ah, here's a beauty, I bet it really... muffles!

Laney: [offscreen] Oh boys! [Clyde and Lincoln turn around to see Laney, who was in her Lady Solitare outfit]

Lincoln: Uh, Laney? What are you wearing?

Laney: It's my Lady Solitaire outfit. I was just on my way to the Ace Savvy convention and I was hoping you two would come along.

Lincoln: Pfft! Like we're interested in that childish obsession. Right, Clyde.

Clyde: Straight up, Linc. Now if you excuse us, we got some mufflers to look at.

Laney: Oh, well. That's too bad. I was gonna get my comic book signed. In case you change your mind they got Ace Savvy comics on sale over by the comic book store. [Leaves]

[Suddenly, Lincoln hears some laughter from kids at the Mega Comics store through the window reading some comics related to Ace Savvy. Lincoln, not wanting Clyde to find out about this, goes up to him, playing with a wrench.]

Lincoln: [Faking a cough] Ugh, I gotta go use the [coughs] bathroom. Bug flew in my throat.

Clyde: A bug? [Drops the wrench, concerned] Are you okay? What were its markings?

Lincoln: [Still fake coughing] I didn't see it, I just tasted it. [Coughs] Ugh, be right back. [Runs off, then Clyde lifts his shirt over his nose, not wanting to be sick]

[At the comic book store, Lincoln is reading Ace Savvy while laughing, meanwhile, at the car shop, Clyde is smelling some car fresheners.]

Clyde: Huh, there is a difference between Douglas Fir and Evergreen.

[Suddenly, Clyde hears laughter from the kids talking to Ace Savvy.]

Kid #1: Cool! Ace!

[Clyde looks around making sure the coast is clear, drops the car fresheners, smiles sheepishly at the viewers.]

Ace Savvy: [Talking to his young Ace fans.] So I threw Wild Card Willy in the clink, then shuffled off to the Fortress of Solitaire.

Kid #2: No Way!

Kid #3: Wow!

Kid #4: Sweet!

Laney: Wow, Ace you are amazing! [Holds out her comic book] Can you sign my comic?

Ace Savvy: Anything for a fan. [As Ace signs the comic book Laney smirks at Clyde who appears next to her]

Clyde: Uh, I wasn't obsessing over Ace Savvy. If that's what you're thinking!

Laney: Sure. Say, do you mind if you hold my spot while I go to the bathroom?

Clyde: Sure. [Laney leaves and hides at the back at a cardboard cutout of Ace Savvy. When the coast was clear, Clyde approached Ace] Excuse me, Mr. Savvy, big fan here, can I get a quick photo? [Takes photo with Ace] Now I just have a few questions. [Pulls out a long list] Starting with episode one… [Laney looked on and smiled to see her plan working]

[Cuts back to the car shop, Lincoln and Clyde got alarmed meeting back with each other.]

Lincoln: [Faking an excuse] Sorry that took so long, that bug was really stuck in there good.

Clyde: [Also faking an excuse] That's okay, a bug actually flew into my mouth, too. I went into a different bathroom. Well, guess it's time to buy one of those mufflers.

[After purchasing the car mufflers from the shop, the boys ran into Laney once again with some kids by her side]

Laney: Hey, boys. Last to go to Savvy Con with me. I heard rumors that The Flash Card is getting his own spinoff.

Lincoln: Thanks Laney, but no thanks. We're just on our way out with our mufflers for our auto body hobby.

Laney: Really? Because I thought you'd be more interested since you read one of Ace Savvy's… [reaches into Lincoln's pocket and pulls out an Ace Savvy comic] comic! [Clyde gasps and pretends to be shocked]

Clyde: Lincoln!

Lincoln: Uh! It's not what you think!

Laney: Why are you so shocked, Clyde. When I saw you taking a picture with Ace himself!

[Lincoln then gasps pretending to be shocked as well]

Lincoln: Clyde?

Clyde: I uh… Wait! [To Laney] How do you even know about that?

Laney: Well, I was just on my way to the bathroom and uh…

Lincoln: Aha! So that's your plan! You're trying to convince us that we still like Ace Savvy!

Laney: Wow. Great detective work. Just like-

Lincoln: Enough! I'm telling you for the last time, we're done playing Ace Savvy! And there's nothing you can do that can make us say different!

Clyde: Yeah! Come on, Lincoln. Let's go grind... or shred... or you know, wh-whatever it's called. [The boys left in a huff]

Laney: [sighs] Well, I gave it a shot. But I guess they really are done with Ace Savvy. Oh well, I guess if they really want this I guess I can't stop them. Besides, I can have just as much fun at the convention without them. Right kids? [The young kids cheer] Come on! Let's deal out some justice! [Laney and the kids then left for the convention]

Lincoln: Boy, look at Laney acting so childish with all that Ace Savvy nonsense.

Clyde: Yeah. Who needs that noise, am I right?

[The boys nervously laugh but then stop and their smiles slowly start to with sadness and disappointment as they start to recall their childhood memories together as Ace Savvy and One-Eyed Jack. Cuts to a flashback with them solving the case of the muddy footprints.]

Young Lincoln and Clyde: [First they investigate Charles' feet.] Nope. [Then Cliff's] No. [And then Baby Lana, the boys gasped in surprise figuring out the case.] Jackpot! We've got two of a kind! [Gave each other a high-five while Baby Lana shrugs.]

[Cuts at the table where Clyde is trying to fix Lincoln's Ace Savvy action figure.]

Young Lincoln: And then Lynn came out of nowhere and roller-skated right over him!

Young Clyde: It's okay. [Glues the arm back on] I can fix him, though I'm not sure he'll ever shuffle again.

[Lincoln hugged Clyde in gratitude. Cuts to Laney's room where the kids return a teddy bear to Baby Laney]

Young Clyde: We solved the case of the missing teddy bear! [Gives the teddy bear to baby Laney]

Baby Laney: Walter! [Hugs the teddy bear] Thank you Ace Savvy and One-Eyed Jack.

[Young Lincoln and Clyde high five. Cuts to the kitchen where Lynn Sr. is washing the dishes.]

Young Lincoln: Dad, One-Eyed Jack and I solved the case of the missing bologna.

Young Clyde: [Holds up Cliff] We've got the culprit right here.

Lynn Sr.: [Gives them a thumbs up and a wink] Good work, boys! You've done it again!

Young Lincoln and Clyde: [Jumping for joy] ACE AND JACK FOREVER!

[Flashback ends where Lincoln and Clyde are feeling regretful for their decision of giving up Ace Savvy.]

Lincoln: Clyde, I can't do this anymore! So what if we're too old for Ace? I'm just not ready to give him up.

Clyde: Me neither! I don't care what Dr. Lopez says! [Pleadingly] Please don't tell her I said that, I don't wanna hurt her feelings.

Lincoln: Clearly this makes us happy, so I say we enjoy it as long as we want to. [Determined] Let's go get out stuff back!

Clyde: And our tickets! We can still make the convention! Let's just hope 'Pat' and 'Tucker' are both working today.

[Cuts to Clyde slapping the $10 bill on the counter to 'Tucker' at the shop.]

Clyde: Here's the money you paid us for the tickets. We'd like to buy them back.

Flip: Hold up, chief, prices changed. You're forgetin' 'bout the handling fee, the storage fee, and the resale fee. [Raises his eyebrows]

[Lincoln and Clyde looked at each other and groaned.]

Flip: Hey, I'm the nice guy here. Wait'll you try to get your toys back, then you're gonna have to deal with Pat, and he's in a mood.

Lincoln: [Suddenly gets an idea] How 'bout we trade you a new muffler for them?

[Flip smiles in agreement as a cash register sound chimes.]

[Cuts to the Ace Savvy Convention, named Savvy Con, Laney walks out of a booth when she sees Lincoln and Clyde in their costumes]

Laney: [gasps] Lincoln! Clyde! You guys made it after all! [Runs up to hug them]

Lincoln: You were right, Laney. We just couldn't stay away from our favorite hero. You should've seen us back there. The Flash Card said Clyde asked him a good question!

Clyde: Yeah, I didn't even mind that he called me 'Clade'. [Just then, he saw something from his eye patch.] Look, there's some kids from Lori's class!

[Points to said kids; Becky, Chaz, and Joey.]

Laney: How do you know there from Lori's class?

Clyde: [Covers his mouth, nervously.] No reason, I'm not saying I memorized her yearbook or anything. [Laney raised her eyebrow at him]

Lincoln: Uh, they must be here with their little brothers and sisters.

[The boys are scared as the teens approach them, but Laney stood proud]

Clyde: Oh, geez. They're walking this way! Get ready to be teased.

Laney: Let them mock and laugh, boys. They can't take away your childhood. That's the parents job. [With that, Lincoln stood firm]

Lincoln: She's right, Clyde. [Flips down Clyde's eye patch] We can get through this.

Becky: [To Laney] Wow! I like your costume! So original.

Laney: [surprised by the compliment] Huh. You usually don't say that when your making fun of someone.

Joey: Hey One-Eyed Jack, that utility belt is rad. What booth did you get that at?

Clyde: Oh, actually I made it.

Joey: No way! The detail is amazing!

Clyde: Thanks. It even fires poker chips. [Fires one. The guys are astounded by it.]

Joey: Sick!

Lincoln: Wait, you guys are into Ace Savvy?

Becky: Yeah! Whadya think we're doing here? [She along with Chaz and Joey show their Ace Savvy T-shirts to Lincoln, Laney, and Clyde.]

Chaz: We've been into Ace since we were like seven!

Lincoln: Really, You never felt like you were too old?

Becky: No way. We'll never be too old for Ace.

Laney: Wow! Someone older than us likes Ace Savvy! This changes everything!

Lincoln: Yeah. I guess we were worried for nothing.

Chaz: [Points] Look! They're selling One-Eyed Flapjacks! We gotta go snag some! [Runs off]

Laney: Deal me in! [Dashes off after Chaz]

Joey: [To Lincoln and Clyde] You guys wanna join?

Lincoln and Clyde: Yeah!

[Becky and Joey walks off to catch up to Chaz.]

Lincoln: Hey Clyde, can you spot me some money? I spent all of mine on mufflers.

Clyde: No problem, buddy. One-Eyed Jack is always ready to lend a hand.

[They both locked arms with each other having a great time.]


	106. Friendzy

**Friendzy**

[There are brawls breaking out all over the house.]

Laney: [offscreen] Stop! Please! Oh! I knew something like this would happen, but I didn't think it would be this bad!

[The loud noise catches the attention of a policeman, whose car pulls up to the house. In the dining from, the siblings are fighting, when suddenly...]

Policeman: Police! Open up!

[Hearing a policeman at their door, the siblings immediately stop fighting.]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] You're probably wondering, 'What did you guys do now?' Well, to explain, I have to go back a few days.

 **A FEW DAYS EARLIER**

[Flashback. Vanzilla is seen pulling out of the driveway.]

Lincoln: [narrating] You know us Louds. We're notorious for fighting over everything, which usually leaves us with nothing.

Lynn Sr.: Okay, we need some tunes for the ride. What should it be?

Luna: Rock!

Lori: Love songs!

Laney: Smooth Jazz!

Lynn: The sports station!

Lisa: West Coast rap!

[Realizing they all have differing opinions, the siblings begin arguing with each other, where they begin fighting. Without warning, Rita takes out an air horn, and blares it, making the kids stop fighting, covering their ears, and causing the back window to shatter.]

Rita: If you kids can't decide, your father and I will decide for you.

[Rita turns the radio on, and some country music begins playing.]

Rita and Lynn Sr.: YEE-HAW!

[The kids groan in defeat.]

[Flashback]

Lynn Sr.: Kids! I'm off to the grocery store! Any requests for dinner?

[Suddenly, the house begins shaking. The siblings begin rushing downstairs, shouting their requests.]

Lisa: Sardines!

Lincoln: Chicken nuggets!

Lori: Bean chips!

Laney: French fries!

Luan: Banana cream pie!

[Lynn Sr. hollers at the impending chaos.]

Lana: [from upstairs] Worms! The butcher usually sets some aside for me.

[The siblings begin arguing with each other, and, without warning, Lynn Sr. blares the air horn, which makes the kids stop fighting.]

Lynn Sr.: If you guys can't decide, I'll decide for ya. Goulash it is!

[Lynn Sr. twirls around for a second, and exits the house, making the kids groan in defeat.]

[Flashback. Laney was in the living room reading a book when the rest of the siblings rush to the TV. Lincoln hops on top of Lola, Lynn, Luan, and Luna's heads and gets to the couch first. Lincoln grabs the remote.]

Laney: Hey, watch it!

Lincoln: Sorry! Time for ARGGH!.

[From behind, Lucy snags the remote, and her sudden appearance makes Lincoln fall over out of panic.]

Lucy: You mean Vampires of Melancholia.

[From behind, Lana bumps Lucy with her butt, where the remote falls out of her hands, and Lola catches it.]

Lola: You mean Prison Pageants.

Lynn: Basketball!

[Suddenly, the kids begin fighting over possession of the remote.]

Luan: You guys can't be remote-ly serious! [laughs] But really, I wanna watch the Circus Channel!

Laney: Guys! Please! I'm sure if we can just find a compromise we can- [The siblings are now arguing with each other with Laney pulled into the fray, and, without warning, Rita arrives, and blares the air horn, making the kids stop arguing.]

Rita: Well, if you kids are going to fight, I'll take the remote. Thank you.

[Rita forcefully takes the remote from Lola, sits down, and changes the channel to an elderly woman watering a plant.]

Gardening Grandma: Now we just wait... and watch it grow.

[After that sentence, the woman just stares at the plant while doing nothing. After five seconds of complete silence, the kids groan in defeat. Cuts back to the present scene.]

Lincoln: But then, I discovered that to get what you want in this family, you don't necessarily have to fight.

[Cuts to a flashback of Lynn and Margo watch TV together, when Lincoln comes up.]

Lincoln: Uh, Lynn, I usually watch ARGGH! after school.

Lynn: Aw, no problem, Lincoln. Only 6 ½ innings left in this game.

[Lynn and Margo cheer as Lincoln storms into the dining room, where Rita is working on her novel.]

Lincoln: Mom, I usually watch ARGGH! after school!

Rita: I know, Lincoln, but let Lynn watch her game, okay? She has a friend over.

Lincoln: [thinking] A friend, do you say?

[The next day, Laney was laying on the tree with her pet pig]

Laney: [sighs] I don't know about you, Squeals. But I'm tired of having to fight for everything in this house. I mean just this morning we fought about what we have for breakfast and we ended up having dad's breakfast sausages. And trust me, they are not a perfect way to start the day. [Squeals snorts in agreement] I just wish there was a way to make things work for me. [Just then, Lincoln is seen talking to someone on his walkie talkie] Huh? Lincoln what are you doing?

Lincoln: I'm calling Clyde over to watch TV.

Laney: But, Lori and Leni are watching TV today.

Lincoln: Not for long.

Laney: I have a feeling I might regret this later, but what are you up to?

Lincoln: [Cuts back to the present time] I called my discovery 'Playing the Friend Card' it means Mom and Dad give you special privileges if you have a friend over. I'm pretty sure my sisters weren't aware of it, but now I was. And of course, Laney. But I trust her enough to keep this little secret between us.

[Cuts back to the flashback with Laney and Lincoln]

Laney: So let me get this stright, we can have priviledeges from mom and dad when we have friends over?

Lincoln: That's right.

Laney: And the others don't know about this?

Lincoln: Nope, just you.

Laney: Yeah, this is gonna end badly.

Lincoln: Come on, Laney! This is a perfect plan! We never again have our parents decide everything for us!

Laney: But everytime I get involved with these ideas it always end in disaster!

Lincoln: But if you play the friend card you never have to worry about getting involved in our fights again! And you get to spend more time with your friends. [Laney begins to think about it] I mean, when was the last time you invited Karla over? Or Quentin? Or Joey?...

Laney: J-J-J-Joey? [Lincoln smirks at Laney; thoughts] _I can't believe I'm saying this but Lincoln might be right about that friend card._ [Looks and sees Lincoln meeting up with Clyde as they high five each other and went inside] _I could use someone on myside to help keep the chaos down and read books with me, and be a second actor in my pretend plays. And it might give me a chance to spend time with Joey. [giggles then shakes her head] No, Laney. Don't be silly. You've been living in this house long enough to know that things like this never turn out well in this family. But still, I wouldn't hurt to have just one friend over, just for fun of course. I don't want to use anyone..._

[Cuts to Lincoln and Clyde watching ARGGH, when Lori, Leni, and Lucy approach them.]

Lori: [Unhappy] Move it, Lincoln, we're watching the Dream Boat.

Rita: [Just coming out of her room] Uh, girls, let Lincoln watch ARGGH!, he has a friend over.

[The girls groan in frustration, as Lincoln slyly smiles. Later in the backyard, Laney and Karla were playing soccer where Rita was gardening when Lynn approach them.]

Lynn: Move it, Lanes. Lans and I got the backyard reserved for badmonton.

Rita: Girls, let Laney play. She has a friend over.

[Lynn and Lana glare as Laney and Karla continue to play. Cuts to Lynn Sr. baking cookies.]

Lynn Sr.: [calling out] Kids, I'm baking cookies! Who wants to lick the beaters?!

[A commotion starts to take place and a glass of milk on the counter starts to shake, Lynn Sr. looks worried as Lincoln, Clyde, Lana, Lola and Lisa all rush in wanting to lick said beaters.]

Lola: [pushing Lana aside] Get out of my way, or I'll find you in your cell after lights out!

Lana: Lola, you really gotta stop watching those prison shows.

Lynn Sr.: Girls. Lincoln has a friend over, let them have the beaters.

[Lincoln and Clyde enjoy the beaters, while Lola, Lana and Lisa look on with suspicion.]

Lynn Sr.: [Holding a covered tray] Dinner is served. [Uncovers the tray revealing chicken nuggets.]

Luna: Chicken nuggets? Bogus dude, I asked for bangers and mash.

Lisa: And I clearly recall requesting sardines. I'm low on my Omega-3s.

Lynn Sr.: Well, Lincoln has a friend over so Clyde got to pick tonight's dinner.

[The girls shoot him questioning looks, and then their brother dirty glares.]

Lincoln: [Nonchalantly] And I suggested chicken nuggets.

Clyde: [Also nonchalantly] And I said that was a great idea.

[Lincoln smirks at his sisters, who glare at him even dirtier.]

[Cuts to the siblings, except for Lincoln and Lily in Lisa and Lily's room.]

Lisa: I call this emergency sibling meeting to order. Something stinks in this household, and I'm not referring to our collective chicken nugget breath. [goes into her closet and grabs a white board.] According to my calculations, there is a direct correlation between the amount of time Clyde and Karla have been over, and the number of privileges approved by Lincoln and Laney. Someone who fancies themselves a wit might call this "Playing the Friend Card".

[The sisters gasp and start complaining.]

Lola: I got this! During guard change, I'll sneak up on Lincoln in the shower!

Lisa: Um, sister, that won't be necessary. I have another plan.

[The next day, Laney was walking intothe house with Joey]

Joey: It sure was rather nice of you to invite me over to your house Laney. I've never been to your place before.

Laney: You're gonna love it, Joey. I've just got two copies of the latest John Ruby book and I can't wait to read it with you.

Joey: Oh, I do love me a good mystery. [The two enter inside with Clyde and Lincoln only to find that Lola and a friend has taken up the TV]

Lola: [Nonchalantly] You guys wanna join me and Roxanne for Prison Pageants?

Lincoln: [Gently puts down his net and runs to his parents room.] Moooooom! Lola's watching TV, but Clyde and I are supposed to be watching ARGGH!

Rita: Sorry, honey. Let Lola watch her show, she has a friend over.

Lincoln: But I have a friend over, too!

Rita: True, but Lola got to the TV first.

[Lincoln looks annoyed. Meanwhile in the living room]

Joey: Is there something going on here?

Laney: Nah, just some typical Loud House stuff. Come, we'll just read upstairs.

[Later, Laney and Joey were walking into the kitchen]

Laney: Here. I'll treat you to some cookies, Joey.

Joey: That would be nice. [Laney and Joey were surprised find that all the cookies are gone]

Laney: What the!? [Sees Luna with her friend Sam] What happened to the cookies?

Luna: [pulls out an empty plate] All out, brah. Dad said Sam and I had first dibs.

[She smirks and Laney glares Joey looked on nervously. Cuts to Lincoln and Clyde walking into the kitchen.]

Lincoln: We may not have the TV, but at least we can choose lunch. [to Lynn Sr.] Hey Dad, Clyde said he would lover franks and beans today.

Clyde: Well, Lincoln suggested it, but I agreed.

Lynn Sr.: Sorry, guys. [holds up two sporks each with two sausages on them.] Lunch is already made.

Lucy: [Appears behind Lincoln who screams in terror.] Yeah, my friend Haiku is staying for lunch and requested blood sausage.

Clyde: Friend? I don't see a-[notices Haiku behind him and also screams in terror.]

[Lucy smiles at Lincoln, who looks suspicious. Cuts to the two boys walking out to the backyard.]

Laney: Come on, Joey! I can't wait to show you my soccer skills!

Joey: That's sounds smashing, Laney. I did a few rounds of soccer back home in London. Did you know that we call it 'football'?

[But Lori and Whitney already take the backyard]

Lori: [Stopping Laney and Joey] Sorry Laney, Whitney and I have this field for badmition.

[Lincoln and Clyde approach Laney and Joey]

Lincoln: Laney. What's going on? I couldn't get my own choices for lunch or what to watch TV! Did you tell everyone about the friend card?

Laney: No, Lincoln! I didn't! Honest! I think they just know about it!

Lori: Darn right we know. And in case you two thought you were getting any other privileges today everyone else is on to you, too.

[Lincoln looks confused, but he, Clyde, Laney, and Joey turn around and gasp when they see Lincoln's sisters (minus Lily) and their best friends giving them sinister looks, Lynn Sr. (who is holding Lily) and Rita gasp at this, too.]

Lynn Sr.: Yikes, that's a lot of kids, you wanna hide at the mall for a few hours?

Rita: Do I? It'll be quieter and less crowded. [They and Lily race off.]

Laney: [Agitated] Okay, girls. If that's how you want to play it. Fine!

Joey: Uh, Laney? Are you feeling okay?

Laney: I will be once I master the friend card! [Dashes off holding Joey]

Joey: Is it always this unusual around here?

Clyde: Trust me, you get used to it.

[Cuts back to the present, where Lincoln is observing his frozen sisters. He pokes Luan's face, but she doesn't do anything.]

Lincoln: [shrugs; to the viewers] My sisters had discovered the Friend Card, but they forgot that Lincoln Loud is the man with the plan. So, I just came up with a way to outsmart them.

[Cuts to another flashback of Lynn and Margo getting ready to watch TV.]

Lynn: [Grabbing the remote] Woo-Woo! Double header time!

Lincoln: [Appearing with Clyde] We'll be watching ARRGH!, thanks.

Lynn: [laughs] In your dreams. I have a friend over so, uh-

Lincoln: Yes. You have one friend over. [It's revealed that Liam is there with them.] But I have two. [Whispers in Lynn's ear] And two is greater than one.

[Lynn angrily gives Lincoln the remote as he, Clyde and Liam jump on the couch. Lynn and Margo scream and fall off. Meanwhile, Lana was playing in the front yard with her friend when Laney and Joey showed up]

Laney: Hey, Lana. Mind if you move along I need this front yard to play soccer.

Lana: I don't think you've noticed, Laney. But I've got one friend playing in the mud with me.

Laney: I don't think YOU'VE noticed but I have two friends over. [It's revealed that Karla is there with them] And two is greater than one so... [Lana glares at her and she leaves with her friend]

[Later, Laney and her friends were playing soccer when Lana appeared]

Lana: You, Laney. Would you mind if you and your friends clear the way so that we can use the yard? And before you answer I brought three friends over. [It is revealed that Lana has brought one more friend over] And three is greater than two... [Laney growls at Lana.]

Karla: Yo, Laney. Chill out. We can just play somewhere else.

Laney: Oh, we're gonna be playing alright... [Joey and Karla look at each other knowing that things will not go well]

[Meanwhile in the living room, the boys are watching ARGGH, when Lynn returns with Margo, and two more of her friends.]

Lynn: Guess what, Lincoln, I can do math, too, and three is greater than two.

[Takes the remote back, and flips the couch backwards, with Lincoln, Clyde, and Liam still on it, something she and her friends laugh at. Later, Lynn and her friends are watching the game, and eating popcorn, Luna and Sam approach them, and Luna is not happy.]

Luna: [To Lynn] Hey! Sam and I had dibs on that popcorn.

Lynn: Gee, sorry Luna. [Continues eating] But I got three friends over, [swallows, and whispers to Luna.] and three beats one

Luna: [Even more surprised at Lynn.] Dude! I thought we were on the same side!

Lynn: Yeah, well Lincoln brought in two friends so I did what I had to do.

Luna: Well, fine, I can call my friends too. [Storms off to the phone] Operator, can you help me place this call?

[Cuts to Leni and Becky playing badminton, when Luna comes up.]

Luna: Dude, mind if we cut in?

Leni: But Becky and I are playing-

Luna: Nah, totally dude. I get that. It's just that, you have one friend over, [camera zooms out to reveal three more friends behind her and Sam.] and I have four.

[Leni glares at Luna and gives her badminton racquet to her.]

[Back inside, Lynn and her friends are still watching TV when Leni comes up to them.]

Leni: Can you please pass the remote, Lynn? It's time for my 'fashion show' show.

Lynn: [imitates a buzzer] I have three friends over, so I get the TV. Thank you.

Leni: Three? Oh, that's so cute. I have five. [camera zooms out to show her friends behind her.] Wait... [counts] Yeah, five. [she and her friends grin smugly at Lynn and her friends.]

[Later, Leni and her friends are watching TV when Lori comes up to them.]

Lori: Excuse me, Leni, my friends and I have to watch our dating advice show.

Leni: Sorry, Lori. I have five friends over and-

Lori: Oh, only five? [The camera cuts to show she and Whitney are now joined by five additional friends. Leni starts to count them when Lori suddenly pushes her face up to hers.] I'll save you the trouble- there are six of them. Remote, please!

[Leni glares at her. One scene wipe later, Lori and her friends are watching TV when Lisa comes up to her.]

Lisa: Pardon the intrusion, eldest sibling. But it's time for the congressional hearings.

Lori: But Lisa-

[But before Lori can say anything more, the camera zooms out to reveal Lisa is joined by six of her classmates.]

Lisa: Lucky seven, baby. Count' em!

[Later, Laney walked over to Lisa and her friends]

Laney: Hey, Lis. Do you mind if you and your friends clear the room. We're reading the latest John Ruby book.

Lisa: I'm afraid it can't be possible, elder sister. For I have seven friends and you have-

Laney: Eight. [The camera zooms out to see Laney is joined by eight of her classmates]

[From here on, there is a rapid-fire montage of the sisters each bringing in more friends to outnumber each other's.]

Lola: [accompanied by eight friends, addressing Lisa's group.] Move it, Lisa! My eight friends and I want to watch Prison Pageants.

Lucy: [accompanied by nine friends, addressing Lola's group.] Sorry, Lola, but my nine friends and I would like to watch Vampires of Melancholia.

Luna: [accompanied by ten friends, addressing Lucy's group.] Hit the road, Jack. My ten friends and I have a concert to watch!

Luan: [accompanied by eleven friends, addressing Luna's group.] Everyone nose... [points to her red clown nose] ...that 11 is more than 10! And we have a comedy special to watch!

Laney: [accompanied by twelve friends, adressing Luan's group] Sorry, Luan. I got a dozen of friends and we're gonna read the final chapter of "John Ruby and The Curse Of The Golden Monkey".

[At this point, the house is loaded, and the siblings are talking amongst themselves while getting angry.]

Lori: "You guys, this is literally out of control. Lana, did you really have to invite twelve of your muddy friends over?"

Lana: Don't bark at me, Lincoln invited thirteen randos over from the arcade. [To Lincoln] I bet you don't even know all their names.

Lincoln: I do too, there's Jeff, or is it Josh?

Laney: I know all of my friends. Karla, Quentin, Joey, Shawna, Louis, Casey, Alice, Jenny...

Lisa: By my calculations, [pulls out her threat level chart] with this many people in the house, we could be approaching a threat level of, Stampeding T-Rex.

[Suddenly things in the living room start heating up.]

Friend 1: Hey I was watching that!

Friend 2: Too bad!

Friend 3: No! Too bad for you!

Friend 4: Give me the remote, I wanna watch the sports channel!

Lisa: Uh-Oh, make that Erupting Volcano!

[The siblings look, and see their friends beating each other up.]

Lori: That's just great, Lincoln. Those complete strangers you invited into our home, just started a fight.

Lincoln: [Still having no clue who he invited into the house.] Jim would never do that, it was probably Lola's pageant group, they looked vicious.

Lola: [Scoffs] My money is on Lynn's meat head jock friends.

Lynn: [mimicks buzzer] Blame Laney! Her friends are so stuffy they have to take up the whole house.

Laney: Ohohohohoho! That's it! Bring it on! [Just as Laney was about to get into a fight with her siblings, Karla and Joey pulled her away]

Joey and Karla: Laney, stop!

Laney: What!?

Karla: Listen, Lanes. Joey and I have been talking and we think you've gone totally bananas over this friend card buisness!

Laney: I'm not going crazy! I'm just keeping my siblings in line and show them that I can master the friend card better than them! [Joey puts his hands over Laney's shoulders.]

Joey: Laney, listen to yourself. You're becoming obsessed over trying to one up you're siblings! You're no better than them! [Laney gasps and looks around and sees the mess Lincoln's friend card idea caused. Everyone including the Louds were all fighting]

Laney: [horrified] Oh no! What have I done! [Two fights are shown in one house, a police car pulls up, while everyone's still fighting; offscreen] Stop! Please! Oh! I knew something like this would happen, but I didn't think it would be this bad!

Policeman: [Banging on the door] Police! Open up!

[The siblings stop fighting the same way they did at the beginning of the episode.]

Lincoln: [To the viewers] And now you're caught up.

[Lincoln answers the door to see the policeman standing there.]

Policeman: Okay, kids, break it up! Party's over.

[The horde of friends leave the house.]

Lori: [calls out] Wait, Leni! [exasperated] You don't leave, you live here.

Leni: [heading back into the house] Oh, right!

[Rita and Lynn Sr. come back home, just as the last kids start to leave.]

Rita: What is going on here?! Why are there 65 kids walking out of our house?!

Policeman: Are you the parents?

[They nod]

Policeman: I'm afraid you've got a two-hundred dollar ticket for noise violation. [He gives Rita the ticket.] Try to keep your kids under control, this is a nice neighborhood.

[He leaves, and Lynn Sr. closes the door.]

Lynn Sr.: [Sternly] Anyone care to explain?

Lincoln: [Looks around] I will, I've got the story down pretty well by now. [Winks to the viewers] ...and now you're caught up.

Rita: Well, you guys are going to have to use your allowances to pay for this ticket. [The kids nod]

Lynn Sr.: And I hope you've learned your lesson.

Luan: Definitely, we're done playing the friend card, in fact, we fold. [Laughs]

Laney: We're serious. We've all let this go completely out of control. Especially me. Heck, I didn't mean to even be caught in the crossfire. The whole point was so I can help make decisions around this house easier.

Lana: Yeah. But we've learned our lession. From now on why don't we just take turns on choosing what show to watch, and who gets to lick the beaters, and junk?

Luna: Pretty sweet idea. We can start with dinner tonight.

Lincoln: Lori, you're the oldest, why don't you go first?

Lori: Ooh, okay. I think we should have-

Rita: Um, sorry honey, tonight's dinner has already been set. We're having goulash. [Awkwardly smiles]

Lucy: Goulash? Why?

[The doorbell rings]

Lynn Sr.: Well, [Awkwardly laughs, opens the door, and his and Rita's friends walk in.] we're having friends over.

[It's their turn to receive dirty looks.]

Laney: Seriously!?


	107. Shop Girl

**Shop Girl**

It was a day like any other in the Loud House, for Laney it was a perfect time to go out and spend time with her siblings. An in this case, Leni was taking Laney out for a shopping spree.

[In Leni and Lori's room. We see Laney and Leni getting ready to go out]

Laney: Thanks again for letting me come with to to the mall today, Leni.

Leni: Totes, Laney. I can't wait to pick out a new scarf for you.

Laney: [wears her beret] What's wrong with my old scarf.

Leni: It needs a new color. Red is so last season. [picks up her purse and looks for something] Hey guys, anyone seen my bus pass?

Lori: [offscreen] Did you check your purse? [Leni checks her purse]

Leni: Thanks, I got it. Did someone take the credit card?

Lola: [offscreen] Check your purse. [Leni looks in her purse again]

Leni: Oh, right. Wait, my shopping list. [Laney rolls her eyes]

Lisa: [offscreen] The purse, woman! [Leni checks her purse one last time]

[Leni and Laney walk downstairs]

Leni: [Walking in] Culottes, jeans, pom-pom sweater.

Lincoln: Going shopping, Leni?

Leni: Not just shopping. Reiningers is having a huge two day, 25% off blowout sale, and I made up a dream shopping list for it.

Laney: Leni's taking me there pick out new clothes for me.

Leni: Yay, new wardrobes! [They Leave, as their siblings bid them ado.] Shoot, where did I put my purse?

Laney: Seriously?..

Leni's Siblings: Check your arms.

[They return to their breakfast. A few hours later, they are in their regular clothes eating lunch.]

Leni: [Offscreen] We're back.

[The siblings look in shock to see that their sisters have been beaten up as they are with their messed up clothes and bruised everywhere]

Lana: Are you okay, guys? Did you wrestle a bear?

Laney: Oh... I wish I was wreslting a bear! Because that would be less torturous then the massacare at Reiningers! [Grabs Lincoln] There were grabbing and pushing trampling! So much trampling! I tried to get some clothes but they just wanted it more!

Lynn: Wait, you didn't get any stuff?

Leni: Well, you know how shoppers can be. Sometimes, they can be a little grabby and pushy. And clawy and shovey.

Laney: And tramply! [lies down]

Lola: Ah, wait, did you let a bunch of greedy bargain hunters take your stuff?!

Laney: Pretty much, yeah.

Leni: Don't worry Laney. I'll just make new clothes with my old ones. Yay! [goes upstairs]

Lori: [Takes out the remote] Poor Leni. This always happens. She's too nice for her own good.

[Lola takes the remote from Lori and starts channel surfing.]

Laney: [gets up] Not her fault, you guys. Those shoppers back there are totally brutal! It's better just to let them have what they came for and not cross them.

Lana: And while we're on the subject, you can be a bit of a pushover too Laney.

Laney: What!?

Lori: It's literally true. You're even nicer then Leni.

Laney: So what, that doesn't make me a pushover.

Lori: Yes it does. Every time you wanted to read on the couch, one of us wants to use it and you just let us.

Laney: So? I was just being nice.

Lynn: Just like you were nice when you let someone cut in front of you in line every time you were waiting all those hours for the new John Ruby book to come out?

Laney: Those people we too excited. I can understand. John Ruby is a very popular book. And besides I still got the book... The next day when they restock.

Lola: That proves it, Laney! You're the biggest pushover in this family!

Lisa: Indeed, your submissive nature makes you easy prey. [Lucy takes the remote from Lola.] Much like the baby wildebeest of the serengeti.

Laney: Shut up! I can be as agressive as any of you! Watch! [Laney takes the remote from Lucy and she hisses at her. She then gives the remote back to Lucy frightened]

Lana: See? You and Leni both need to how to be a little tougher.

Lola: A little meaner. [Gets into a fist fight with Lucy over the remote.]

Lynn: [Joining the fight] More aggressive.

Lola: [To Lucy] I WANT THE REMOTE!

[The other sisters, except Lily and Laney, join the fight.]

Lori: Give me that remote back!

Lincoln: [Who also wasn't in the fight, but manages to grab the remote anyway and use it.] More like us.

Laney: I'm not sure I'm gonna like where this is going...

[Cuts to Leni sewing something in her room while her siblings come in pushing Laney]

Lincoln: Leni, how would you and Laney like to go back to that sale tomorrow, and get everything you wanted?

Leni: That's okay. I'm fine. [Shows what she's sewing] Look! I turned this nightgown into jeans! [realizes] Oh, wait. Now I don't have a nightgown. [Gets some other jeans] Ooooh, I can make one out of these other jeans! [The siblings shake their heads.]

Laney: Guys, this isn't necessary okay? I can be aggressive! I've been in this family for eight years and I've got around just fine.

Lisa: By not getting into any fights or quarrells and finding good compromises for them.

Luan: Yeah, you guys need to learn to stand up for yourselves. [sits Leni down]

Lana: Yeah, you don't wanna be wilted-beets in the spaghetti!

Lisa: Meh, close enough.

Lori: But don't worry, we're to teach you how to become more assertive, decisive people!

Leni: Well, okay. If you guys want. I'm just happy when you're happy.

Lincoln: [facepalms; sighs] We have a lot of work to do.

Laney: Guys, for the last time, I am fine!

Lola: Uh, no you're not, Laney. You need to learn to stop letting people push you around! You need to be more aggressive!

Laney: [more aggressive] I am not a PUSHOVER!

Lola: [impressed] Yeah! Like that!

Laney: [sighs; more calm] Fine, I'll do it. But only so I can go back to that sale tomorrow with enough costumes both regular and pig sized.

Lincoln: Pig sized?

Laney: For Squeals. We're planning a little play together.

Luan: Oh, really? Are you guys doing Ham-let? [laughs] Get it?

Laney: [groans] Let's just get this over with...

[Later, outside the bathroom.]

Lincoln: Tomorrow, you're going back to that mall as a new Leni. And the new Leni, doesn't let people cut ahead of her in line. [Leni nods, and Lincoln calls out to everyone.] Ten, hut.

[The other sisters are lined up along the wall, Luan approaches Leni.]

Luan: Now, you're number one in the bathroom line. Don't let anyone make you number two. [Laughs] Get it?

Leni: I don't. But don't worry! No one's gonna cut!

Lori: Alright, Laney. This is your chance to get in that bathroom. You go in there and fight Leni for first in line!

Laney: But she has the bathroom first and I can-

Lori: You can nothing! The new Laney doesn't care who's first in line unless it's her! [pushes Laney] Now go!

Laney: Uh... [acting] Hey! I need that bathroom! I drank a jumbo Flippee and I gotta let it loose!

Leni: Oh, you poor thing! Go right ahead!

Laney: Oh, thank you.

[The other siblings groan.]

Lola: Alright. Step aside and watch a pro do it. Lori, your assistance.

Lori: [clears throat; acting] I'm in a hurry, Lola! Let me cut!

[Lola growls; Lori tries to cut, but Lola starts attacking her.]

Lori: Ow! How are you so freakishly strong?!

Lola: [pinning Lori down] I HOPE YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF FLOOR!

Leni: [taking notes] Tackle, pin, catchphrase. Got it! [Laney looked on in concern]

[Cuts to out in the backyard. The kids, minus Leni, Laney, and Luna, pile some clothes on a table.]

Luna: Second lesson, the new Laney and Leni aren't afraid to go after what they want. [pointing to the table] There's some rockin' threads on that clearance table, but you got major peeps blockin' your way. What are you gonna do, dudes?

Laney: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna go in there and get what I want!

Leni: Yeah!

[The two march up to the table with serious looks on her faces]

Laney: Hey, you! Get out of our way!

Lynn: [Glares at Laney; aggressively] Why don't you make me?!

Laney: [frightened] Oh! Uh, no thanks. I don't want any trouble... [walks away]

Luna: [groans] Let's see if Lens can do any better.

Leni: [Politely taps Lynn on the shoulder.] So sorry, would you mind moving? [Tries to find an opening] No? I can wait until your ready. [Walks away, as her siblings at the table sigh]

Luna: [Pushes Leni back. And to Lynn.] Yo, LJ, show her how it's done.

Lynn: With pleasure. [Runs off, and returns wearing her football helmet.] Hut, hut. [paints black lines on her face.] Take a hike! [Rampages her siblings like football, spins a sweater over her head to celebrate, and starts doing a victory dance on it, much to Lori's charging.]

Lori: Hey! Bobby gave me that sweater! [Shoots Lynn a dirty look.]

Leni: [Taking notes] Run, block, do a dance. Got it!

[Cuts to the kitchen.]

Lucy: Third lesson, protecting your property. [Hands Leni a phone charger, which Leni takes.] The new Leni doesn't let greedy shoppers steal her stuff.

Lincoln: And the new Laney takes what's hers.

Lana: That phone charger is the only working one in the house. Your goal is to hold onto it, no matter what.

Leni: [Still missing the point of these training sessions, gets up.] Oh, it's okay, [gives Lana the charger] I can use the land line.

Leni's Siblings (Minus Laney): [Annoyed] Leni, no! [put her back in the chair.]

Lana: Put yourself first!

Laney: That's not a good moral!

Lori: [Takes the charger, sighs, and goes to the other side of the kitchen.] I'll show you how it's done. I've been protecting my junk from you guys for seventeen years. [wraps the charger around her under arm.] The key is to use a good, firm armpit grip. [To Laney] Alright, come at me.

Laney: Listen! Enough is enough. All your doing is making us be as selfish and greedy as you guys! And I won't be a part of this anymore! I'm out of here! [she exits the kitchen]

Lori: Typical, Laney. Always chickening out when the going gets tough. [Laney stops mid exit and turns around]

Laney: What did you say...

Lori: I'm saying you've gone soft, you're too nice and kind to ever get what you want.

Laney: [Slowly gets angry] I. Am. Not. A. Pushover!

Lola: Yes you are! You're nothing but a big nice softie.

Laney: [angry] No I'm not!

Lori: Yes you are!

Laney: Stop it!

Lori: But it's true!

Laney: [Angry] NO IT'S NOT!

Lori: Yes it is...

[Laney growls and began to think back all of her sibling said to her previously]

Lola: You're the biggest pushover in this family...

Lisa: You're submersive nature make you easy prey...

Lori: Always chickening out...

Lola: You're nothing but a big nice softie...

[Laney couldn't take it anymore. She grew so angry she screamed at the top of her lungs and attacked Lori]

Laney: [furious] GIVE ME THAT CHARGER! [She brutally fought Lori for the charger as she protected what's hers.]

Leni: [Taking notes] Armpit tuck, fall on floor, protect vital organs. [Leaves without saying anything else.]

[The fight cloud then stops to see that Laney came out with the charger in her hand and Lori on the floor bruised and tattered. The other siblings applauded at Laney's performance]

Lincoln: Laney that was awesome!

Lana: I knew you had it in ya!

Lola: She gets that from me you know.

Lincoln: So how do you feel, sis?

Laney: I... feel great actually. Like I finally got what I wanted after all. Ha! I feel like I can take on all the shoppers! [Lori weakily got up]

Lori: That's the spirit! Ow. Got it yet, Leni? [The siblings notice that Leni wasn't around] Leni?

[The next day, Leni, Laney, and her siblings are waiting in the line at Reiningers.]

Leni: Thank you guys for all of your help. I'm so excited about the new Leni! Just one question: Where did the old Leni go?

[Just then, Miguel shoves in front of Leni and Laney like they're not even there. Her siblings are not happy.]

Luna: Hey dude! Bogus!

Laney: Hey! No one takes our spot and lives! [Leni and Laney attack him the same way Lola did to Lori the day before and pin him to the ground.]

Leni: I hope you like the taste of flan! [Turns to her astonished siblings.] Was it 'flan' or 'floor'? I heard flan.

Laney: I'm pretty sure it was 'floor'.

Lola: Doesn't matter. You're queens!

[The guy runs away. Meanwhile, one of the store employees nervously opens the doors, and everyone starts rushing in. Leni and Laney look at each other with determination and rushes in. Leni makes her way to a swimsuit section, but sees a bunch of other woman taking the swimsuits.]

Leni: Hut, Hut. Take a hike!

[Leni shoves the women out of her way to reach the swimsuits. She gets one and starts doing a dance, with Lincoln and Lynn joining in.]

Lynn: Woo! All day long, baby!

[Meanwhile, Laney searches for costumes at a store and sees two girls going for it. Laney angrily charges at them]

Laney: Move it! [shoves the girls out of the way and and grabs the costumes] Yeah! [She then sees the crowd of angry kids in front of her] Y'all want some of this!? [The kids attack and Laney took on all of them]

[Meanwhile, Leni grabs a sweater of the rack, and some lady tries to steal it from her, but Leni grabs it.]

Leni: [Struggling] Hey! It's mine! Don't even think about it! [Hip checks the lady into a pile of clothes]

[Cuts to a montage of Leni and Laney grabbing clothes before others could get to them and puts them in her bag. The sibings watch Leni dragging two girls for a sweater, who also has a grip on it, but Leni takes it from them. The girls start attacking Leni, but she ends up winning and is twirling the sweater around.]

Leni and Laney's Siblings: Yaaaay!

[Leni and Laney are now at the check-out line. Her siblings walk over.]

Luna: You guys rocked!

Luan: Yay, Leni!

Lynn: Way to go, Laney!

Lana: You crushed it!

Laney: Thanks guys. Hard to believe I could get any of my shopping done without your help.

Lynn: Ah, we gotta celebrate. Pretzels and sodas. On Lincoln.

Lincoln: Wait, why me?

Leni: Thanks, Lincoln. Meet you guys at the food court.

[The siblings leave while a guy cuts in front of her, the obnoxious guy who cut in front of her earlier addresses this.]

Obnoxious Guy: I wouldn't do that. [points to Leni and Laney]

[The guy who just cut Leni turns around, sees Leni preparing to bull charge him, and makes a run for it, Leni smiles at this and high fives Laney, while the obnoxious guy just keeps to himself. Cut to the siblings at the food court.]

Luan: Wow. Leni and Laney really malled the competition.

Lucy: People are going to think twice before crossing them.

Lola: We changed their lives. [raises her soda] To us!

Siblings: To us! [clink their sodas together]

[Cuts back to Leni and Laney.]

Laney: Oh, you're right Leni. [goes through her clothes] This blue scarf is perfect for me!

Leni: I know right! You look totes adorbs!

[Laney hears crying from the distance]

Laney: Huh? [She looks over and sees a little girl about her age crying with her mother there to comfort her]

Little Girl's Mother: I'm sorry you didn't get that dress you wanted, sweetie.

Little Girl: It's not just that! [sniffs] Some mean girl pushed me and called me a bozo!

[Laney started to look extremely guilty and regretted what she did]

Laney: Oh my goodness, what have I done? I've tried to be assertive and became a big bully. I have to make this right. Leni? Hold my place in line for me okay?

Leni: Okay, Laney.

[Laney leaves her spot in line with her bag and runs up to the little girl]

Little Girl: Ah! There she is! [hides behind her mother] Don't let her get me, mommy!

Laney: No wait! Let me explain!

Little Girl's Mother: Now you listen here! You have no right to push around my daughter like that!

Laney: I know. And I'm really sorry! I didn't mean any harm. It's just that my siblings wanted to teach me how to be aggressive and I was completely out of control. [Laney goes into her bag and pulls out a dress] I belive this will make up for it.

Little Girl: [gasps] My dress! [takes it from Laney] Thank you!

Laney: You're welcome.

[Meanwhile, back at the line]

Leni: [going through her clothes] Hmm. [pulls out a top] This top is perfect for a cozy Saturday. [pulls out the sweater] And this sweater will look so good with my new nightgown jeans. [puts it back]

Mrs. Parker: Are you sure you don't have any more of those polka-dot swimsuits? [The clerk shakes her head.] That's all my granddaughter wants. Well, that and for me to live forever but I can't promise that.

Leni: [Seeing that she had one, calls to Mrs. Parker.] Here! [Mrs. Parker walks up to her, and Leni takes her suit out.] You should take mine.

Mrs. Parker: Oh! [Takes it] You angel. Amy will be so happy.

[Mrs. Parker walks off, and another woman walks past but notices Leni's sweater.]

Woman: [Admirers the sweater] That sweater is so cute, where'd you get it?

Leni: I think this was the last one.

Woman: [Disappointed] Oh, it's hard finding sweaters that won't give me what my doctor calls 'Category Five Rashes'. [Laughs] That's me, allergic to almost every fabric. [Starts off] Well, enjoy it.

Leni: Wait! I can't imagine how awful that would be, [offers her the sweater] here, take mine.

Woman: [Happy] Aw, that is so sweet. [Takes the sweater] Thank you.

[Just then a guy runs past and drops his credit card. Leni picks it up.]

Leni: [to the guy] Excuse me, is your name "American Bank"?

Tie Guy: [comes back] Oh my stars, I am so stressed about finding a tie for my anniversary, that I must've dropped it! [Leni gives it back to him.] 25 years, it's a big one.

Leni: You know, I'd be glad to help you.

Tie Guy: But you'd lose your place in line.

Leni: [grabs her bag and gets out of the line.] That's okay. This is more important.

[She and the guy leave to find a tie. Meanwhile back at the food court...]

Lincoln: [drinking his soda] Yep. Today could be the start of a whole new life for Leni.

[Starts fantasizing about Leni's future. Starting with her being the CEO of a major fashion corporation, and giving a presentation.]

Leni: The ABCs of being a CEO.

[Next, fantasy Leni is signing a books titled "Taste the Flan" written by herself. Then they fantasize Leni being on a talk show.]

Interviewer: Ms. Loud, you're the head of a fashion company, the best-selling author of 'Taste the Flan', and a role model for young women. To what do you attribute your success?

Leni: Well, I really owe it all to my siblings, see, there was this two-day blowout sale...

[End Fantasy]

Lola: And just imagine what Laney's future would look like...

[They then start to fantasize Laney's future. Where she has become a famous action movie star, leading in many action movies. In one movie adult Laney was seen shooting at aliens]

Laney: Smell you later. [throws a bomb at one of the aliens]

[Next, she is seen signing autographs outside the movie theater. Then they fantasize her in a talk show]

Talk Show Host: Laney Loud, you're the stunning actress of "Zombie Bugs from Mars" and "Aliens in the Resturant". And you're a role model for females everywhere. Tell us, what is the reason for all of your success?

Laney: Well I couldn't have been so famous without my siblings. You see there was this blowout sale at Reiningers...

[The siblings continue fantasizing, completely unaware of what Leni and Laney are doing back at Reiningers.]

Leni: [Giving a dress to a teen girl] Problem solved, now you'll have something to wear to the dance. [They hug]

[Laney gives another girl her age a top hat]

Laney: There you go! You'll look so lovely in that hat.

[Next, Leni gives a woman a blouse.]

Leni: You came all the way from Cheboygan for a flutter sleeve blouse? You should have it.

Laney: [Gives a girl a skirt] Don't worry, I have closet full of these.

Leni: [Giving some guy her culottes.] Please, there'll be other culottes.

Laney: [Gives a girl some leggings] I insist you take these leggings.

Leni: [Giving a lady some pants.] Send me a picture, I wanna see how those gaucho pants look in you.

[Leni and Laney finally get to the front of the line, and Leni puts the only thing she has left on the counter.]

Cashier: This is a great find. I wish I had time to browse the racks.

Leni: Oh, well, why don't you take it?

Cashier: Oh, oh, I couldn't do that, this is all you have and you've been waiting in line for so long.

Leni: It's okay, I wouldn't even be shopping here, if it weren't for people like you working so hard.

[Leaves, while the cashier smiles]

Laney: That was a good thing you did Leni.

Leni: Thanks, Laney. You want to go next?

Laney: No thanks. I already gave away all mine.

[As the two leave, Leni gives the obnoxious guy who cut in front of her earlier a salute, he yelps and takes cover. Meanwhile, back at the food court...]

Lola: No, the castle Leni's gonna live in, will have three swimming pools!

Lincoln: Oh, and a chocolate fountain!

Lana: A zoo!

Luna: And Laney's girl friend will be totally shredded!

Lola: [noticing Leni and Laney] There they are!

Leni: [as her siblings cheer] Hey, you guys!

Lincoln: [noticing something] Uh, guys, where are your bags?

Laney: Uh, yeah. About that.. We kinda gave away all our stuff.

Lynn: What?! After all our training?!

Lincoln: What happened to the new Leni and Laney!?

Leni: She wasn't really me. I'm sorry, you guys. It did feel good to get what I wanted, but it felt even better to give other people what they wanted.

Laney: And to be honest the new Laney wasn't fitting well with me. I was so aggressive and mean I've became a complete jerk. I actually hurt a child today! Face it! It's just not me to be mean.

Luan: Guys, we're worried about you. How are you going to make it in life if you keep putting yourself last?

Lori: [holds up her phone; Bobby is on the other line.] Boo-Boo Bear and I cannot support you forever.

Laney: I don't think you guys understand but putting yourself last can actually be a good thing.

Lola: Oh yeah? And exactly how can it be a good thing?

Mrs. Parker: [Walks up to Leni] Oh, there you are, dear! [holds up a present] I got you a little something to say thanks.

Leni: [takes the present] Awwww, you shouldn't have! I hope your granddaughter loves the suit. [Laney smirks and gestures how Leni was rewarded for her good deed]

Lola: Presents are nice, but you know what's nicer? All those clothes you guys gave away!

[Just then, the little girl from earlier in her dress came up to Laney]

Little Girl: Laney! Laney!

Laney: Aw! You look so good in that dress!

Little Girl: Thank you! I want to give you something! [Gives Laney a blue scarf]

Laney: [gasps] For me? [The little girl nodded] Thank you!

Lynn: Yeah, yeah. The scarf was great. But it would've been better if you bought it!

[Just then, a waiter comes in with a cart of fries.]

Waiter: Excuse me, Miss, we have the number three combo, with fries, for everyone in your party, courtesy of that woman over there.

[The woman from before waves to Leni, and gestures to the sweater Leni gave her.]

Leni: [Applauding, while Lola takes the fries.] Yay! You look great! No rashes.

[Just then, the tie guy and his wife walk up to Leni.]

Tie Guy's Wife: Excuse me, Miss. [Her husband loves the tie] Thank you so much for helping my hubby, he has never looked so cute.

Tie Guy: [Pulls out a gift card] We got you a gift card to the fro-yo shop.

Leni: That's so sweet of you, that's my favorite place. [The lovely couple starts off.] Happy anniversary Mr. and Mrs. Bank.

[The couple has no clue what that means.]

Lori: Leni, it's great that all these people are doing nice things for you, but I still think it's more important that you-

Ms. Carmichael: [Walks up to Leni and shakes her hand.] Excuse me, I wanted to meet you. I'm Ms. Carmichael, I'm the manager of Reiningers, and I've been hearing such wonderful things about you. You know, we could use a sales employee with great customer service skills.

Leni: Great, let me think about it, and get back to you with some names. [Her siblings clear their throats and gesture to her, and Leni realizes.] Oh, you mean me.

Ms. Carmichael: Hours are flexible, and employees get a fifty percent discount on all merchandise.

Leni: [Touched] It's like there's a blowout sale happening in my heart.

Ms. Carmichael: I'll take that as a yes. [Leni's siblings smile] Stop by whenever to fill out paperwork.

Leni: [As she and Ms. Carmichael leave.] I'll see you back at home guys.

Laney: Now, do you get it?

Lincoln: We sure do. We were so wrong about you and Leni.

Lynn: [Eating her fries] Yeah, guess we don't have to worry about you guys after all.

Lola: [Looking at her fries] Hmm, if being nice does that much for Leni and Laney, I wonder what it could do for me. [She gets up from her seat holding her fries and walks up to the obnoxious guy.] Hey, mister? How would you like my fries?

Obnoxious Guy: Oh, no thank you. I'm trying to watch my cholesterol.

Lola: Go ahead. Take them.

Obnoxious Guy: No, really. I'm good.

Lola: [Threateningly] TAKE THE FRIES!

Obnoxious Guy: [Screams] What is up with this mall?! [As he runs off in fear, Lola glares at him.]

Lincoln: Maybe stick to what you know, Lola.

Laney: One thing's for sure. Some people just never change.


	108. What Wood Lincoln Do?

**What Wood Lincoln Do?**

[The episode begins at school where Mrs. Johnson is teaching.]

Mrs. Johnson: Good morning, class. I have some exciting news, this week's unit will be woodworking, [pulls down a shade with the title of their new unit over the old one, which was yarn.] It's an important life skill, and I know you won't be board. [Holds up a wooden board and laughs, but the class doesn't seem amused, much to Mrs. Johnson's displeasure.] Really? Nobody?

Lincoln: [To Clyde, uneasy] Woodworking? Clyde, I'm hosed.

Clyde: Hang on, I need to pity laugh Mrs. Johnson. [Pretend laughs] Good one, Mrs. J. I saw what you did there. [Continues laughing, and Mrs. Johnson smiles. Returns to Lincoln.] Okay, now, why are you hosed?

Lincoln: Woodworking's just not my thing. Every time I try to build something, I get jelly legs, my vision goes blurry, my hands get sweaty, my ears start ringing.

Clyde: Ah, like me blowing up balloons.

[Flashback to Clyde's birthday, a very weak Clyde being wheeled into an ambulance, while his dads and Lincoln watch.]

Clyde: Tell my story.

[Flashback ends]

Lincoln: Exactly.

[The Loud House. In the garage, Lincoln is looking at the blueprints for his project.]

Lincoln: [takes a breather] Okay, step one. [his vision starts to get blurry] Oh, boy. Here comes the blurry vision. [passes out]

[Laney walks in and sees Lincoln unconcious]

Laney: [gasps] Oh my gosh! Lincoln! Are you okay? [Laney grabs two balloons and rubs them together, making static, and then she puts it on Lincoln's chest acting as a defibulator.]

Lincoln: [gets up] Ah!

Laney: Oh! Thank goodness you are alright. Now what happned?

Lincoln: I have to build a step stool for class.

Laney: So, that's not so bad.

Lincoln: Yeah? Not when It comes to me. I can't even look at wood without passing out!

Laney: Oh come on, Lincoln. What's so bad about wood? [picks up a piece of wood] I mean, It's not anything to be afriad of. And you can make some pretty neat stuff with it. [takes the blueprint Lincoln was holding] Ooh. This is an interesting project! I can see this stool getting made with the right glue, some sandalwood to give it a more forest vibe, and.. [Before she could finish, Lincoln passes out again] Um. I'll go get mom...

[Later, Laney shocks Lincoln until he comes to]

Lincoln: Ah!

Rita: Lincoln, Laney told me about what's going on. But don't worry, we can help.

Laney: Mom is quite the wood expert. She took a shop class when she was your age. Not to mention I've done a little woodworking myself.

Lincoln: You?

Laney: Yeah, I mostly make wood carvings of the neighbors. [Cut to the wood carvings of everyone in Laney's neighborhood]

Lincoln: Wow. Thanks, guys. So, here are my materials. [Gesturing to the pile of wood]

Rita: Lincoln, we are not building with pine. Let's go get some hardwood.

Lincoln: There's different kinds of wood?

[Later, Lincoln and Rita pull up in front of the hardware store, and Lincoln reads the name.]

Lincoln: 'Shoulda Coulda Wooda?' I don't get it. [Thinks about it and realizes...] Oh, now I get it. [Later, he, Laney and Rita are roaming the aisles.] I thought we were just getting wood.

Rita: Well, I found a few things I needed for other projects.

Laney: Mom takes me here some time to get parts for art projects. There's a lot of good paints here.

[They continue, and Lincoln sees something.]

Lincoln: Oh, look, they have step stools, why don't we just buy one? They're only $12.99.

Laney: Lincoln, I am ashamed that you are choosing to take the easy way out. You know you have to face your problem with wood sometime.

Rita: She's right, Lincoln. We're doing this the right way, it's gonna be fun. [Looks next to her] Oh, stain. [Jerks the cart forward, accidentally sending Lincoln flying head first into one of the toilets.]

Laney: Oh! Sorry Lincoln!

[Back at the garage.]

Rita: Okay, let's see if we can crack this together. [Reading the instructions] 'Attach the bottom step to the side rail using a flat head screwdriver.

[Lincoln looks around, and picks up a screwdriver.]

Lincoln: Here we go.

Rita: That's a Phillips head screwdriver. [holds up a flat head] This is a flat head.

Lincoln: There's more than one type of screwdriver?

[Rita and Laney nod their heads.]

Lincoln: [takes the screwdriver] Okay, cool. I got this.

[Lincoln starts banging the screw with the top of the Screwdriver.]

Rita: [Stopping him] Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey! That's a screw, not a nail.

Lincoln: [groans] Well, how was I supposed to know that?

Laney: Okay, no problem. Let's move on to the wood glue instead. [Grabs some wood glue and opens it] Now, repeat after me. [puts some glue on some wood] What you need to do is put a nice fine bead of glue along the seam. [Hands Lincoln the glue] Can you do that?

Lincoln: Uh, sure I can. [Lincoln opens the cap, and Rita and Laney turn to look at the instructions again. But when she turns back to Lincoln, she hears the sound of glue splattering, and sees that he managed to cover himself in glue. Having officially had it, throws the glue off his head.] Gah! See? I told you I'm no good at this.

Laney: Lincoln! Calm down! We can get through this!

Lincoln: How!? I told you I can't work with wood without my sight gettning blurry, my legs getting wobbly, or-

Rita: Lincoln! [Sighs, and gives Lincoln a cloth.] Okay. I'll tell you what. Why don't I build it, and you can just, watch how I do it?

Lincoln: [gets the last of the glue off him.] Oh, that sounds great. Let's do that.

Laney: Perfect. Now when it comes down to you doing the project yourself, you'll know how to do it.

Lincoln: Oh, totally.

[Rita gets to work on the stool.]

[The next day at school, Mrs. Johnson is looking over the students' step stools.]

Mrs. Johnson: Mm, good effort." [looks at Rusty's] Nice work. [looks at a student's stool, which doesn't look complete.]"Uh...at least you didn't hurt yourself. [pats the boy's head]

[When she gets to Lincoln's step stool, made by Rita, she is surprised and impressed.]

Mrs. Johnson: [gasps] Lincoln, this is amazing! Way to step it up.

Clyde: [pretend laughs once again] Too funny, Mrs. J. [Lincoln takes his seat next to him.] Hey! Way to overcome your fear, Lincoln. Makes me wanna go blow up a balloon.

Lincoln: [Whispering] Well... [looks around, and holds his hand to his mouth] ...actually, my mom built that for me.

Mrs. Johnson: [erases the board] Okay, class, we're going to move on to our next woodworking project.

Lincoln: [busy wiggling a pencil to Clyde then realizes.] We're doing another one?

Mrs. Johnson: [pulls down a shade of the next project.] Birdhouses! Now, they're a little more challenging, but since you've all completed the step stool, I think you can do it.

[The bell rings and Lincoln gets up from his desk. When he looks at the shade, he starts to get jelly legs.]

Lincoln: Oh, boy. Here come the jelly legs. [passes out once again]

[Back at the Loud House, Rita is staining the dining table in the dining room with wood stain. Enter Lincoln.]

Lincoln: Hey, Mom. I stopped by Flip's and got you a blue raspberry Flippee.

Rita: Aww, that's so sweet, honey. What for?

Lincoln: Just a little thank you for helping me out with the step stool.

Rita: It was my pleasure.

Lincoln: I'm glad to hear you say that." [tosses the Flippee away and pulls out his materials.] Because I've got this other little project I thought we could tackle together: building a birdhouse. Huh? Huh? huh?

Rita: Well, sweetie, you don't need my help, remember? I already showed you how to do these projects yourself.

Lincoln: Oh, totally. [puts down his materials] But for me, it's not just about doing the project, it's about the mother-son bonding. It's about...this. [grins pleadingly]

Rita: [stern] Lincoln, I know what you're up to. What kind of parent would I be if I did all your projects for you.

Lincoln: A really nice one? [realizes she's not gonna buy it] Dang it.

Rita: You have your wood, you have your plans. I know you can do this. [Leaves]

[Lincoln sighs, puts the wood on the table, and looks at the instructions, but his ears starts ringing.]

Lincoln: Here comes the ear ringing. [Tries to fight it, only to stagger onto a board that hits him in the face, he falls backwards and knocks the rest of the wood off the table.] I just can't do this. [Gets an idea] But I know who can! [Cut to Laney looking cross at Lincoln]

Laney: No way!

Lincoln: Aw come on, Laney! I really think I got the whole thing down. I just need one more demonstration.

Laney: I know what you're trying to do, Lincoln. You're trying to trick me into making your school work for you.

Lincoln: [nervously; acting] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? [scoffs] No. What kind of brother would do such an awful thing as take advantage of his own sister?

Laney: I'll give you one hint: he has buck teeth, white hair, and faints at the sight of wood!

Lincoln: But-

Laney: No buts, Lincoln. You have to face this problem all by yourself. You think I'd just help with all the problems in this house?

Lincoln: Yes? [Laney scowls at Lincoln]

Laney: This is a personal problem, Lincoln. And personal problems must be handled on their own. I'm sorry, Lincoln. But I can't help you this time. [closes her door]

Lincoln: [sighs] It's hopeless, I'll never complete this project! [Quietly feels sorry for himself, but then he gets another idea.] Hmm, maybe I don't have to.

[Later, in the backyard, Lincoln takes a ladder up to the tree where Walt's birdhouse is, he props the ladder next to the house and Walt comes out wondering what all the commotion was about. Lincoln rubs his head.]

Lincoln: Hey, Walt, I just need to borrow your house for a little while. [Tries to take it, but yelps as Walt squawks in protest.] Don't get your feathers in a bunch. [takes the house] I'll bring it back. [Descends down the ladder, until Walt starts pecking at his head, causing him to fall.] I promise!

[Walt shoots him a dirty look.]

[The next day, Mrs. Johnson is looking at everyone's birdhouse, starting with a kid who had moved into his, she is then astonished by what she thought Lincoln built.]

Mrs. Johnson: [Gasps] Wonderful, Lincoln! This is incredible! [Notices something] Is that, actual bird poop?

Lincoln: [Sees the poop and starts scraping it off, whilst trying to think of an explanation.] Oh, uh, I wanted to give it that lived in look. [Awkwardly smiles]

[Mrs. Johnson smiles and nods, believing Lincoln's excuse. The bell rings and everyone starts to leave, but Mrs. Johnson calls Lincoln.]

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, Lincoln, how'd you like to earn some extra credit?

Lincoln: Sure, never say no to that.

Mrs. Johnson: Great, I need a dresser built ASAP, my mother's coming to visit this weekend and she always complains there's no place to put her gurdles. Since you're such an expert woodworker, you could build one in no time.

Lincoln: [Nervous] Oh, uh, I'd love to, but I have so much homework.

Mrs. Johnson: [Confident] You're excused from homework.

Lincoln: Well, I have to eat right after school, or my blood sugar gets low.

Mrs. Johnson: I'll feed you.

Lincoln: I have to walk our dog?

Mrs. Johnson: I'll send my dog walker over. [Lincoln is just stuttering at this point; victoriously.] So we have a deal. Thanks so much!

[Lincoln is really nervous now.]

Lincoln: [looks at the blueprints] Yeah, no. [tosses them away and contacts Clyde on his walkie-talkie.] Clyde! Come in. Clyde!

Clyde: [picks up] Hey, Lincoln. What's up?

Lincoln: I have a Code Forest Green. I'm at Mrs. Johnson's house, and I have to build a dresser ASAP.

Clyde: You know, Lincoln, I hate to be that guy, but maybe you should've built the step stool in the first place. Then Mrs. Johnson could've seen that you're no expert, and she would've never asked you to build a dresser.

Lincoln: [gets an idea] Oh my gosh, Clyde, you're right! Shoulda Coulda Wooda!

Clyde: Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

Lincoln: No, Clyde, the store. We can just go there right now and buy a dresser!

Clyde: Ah.

[Later, Lincoln and Clyde are in Lincoln's room, Lincoln is holding his piggy bank.]

Lincoln: This is gonna cost me my last few months of allowance, but it's gotta be done. [Smashes his piggy bank and takes the money. They exit the room where they bump into Laney]

Laney: Hello, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Uh, Laney! What are you doing here?

Laney: I just came from the bathroom until I bump into you guys.

Lincoln: Uh, I was just... [gets an idea] Getting parts for my new project.

Clyde: I thought we were going to buy a new- [Lincoln covers Clyde's mouth before he could finish]

Lincoln: -set of sandalwood for the dresser!

Laney: [gasps] Sandalwood! Oh, that would really brighten the dresser! Oh you've got to let me come with you!

Lincoln: No no, Laney you can't.

Laney: Why not?

Lincoln: [nervous] Uhhh... [thinks of an excuse] I'm really making a breakthrough wiht my wood problem and I need to do this on my own.

Laney: Oh, I understand.

Lincoln: Just meet me at Mrs. Johnson's house in 15 minutes.

Laney: Okay! So proud of you Lincoln! [Runs downstairs]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Yeah, yeah, I know it's wrong for me to lie to my sister but I'm on a deadline here! [Walt, on the other side of the hall, shot Lincoln a look of pure anger and hostility.] Uh oh! [Walt aggressively chases after them, making the two run downstairs in panic.] Uh oh, go, go, go! [They exit the house, and quickly slam the door. Walt ends up flying so fast, his beak penetrates through the door.] I really got to remember to bring his birdhouse home from school.

[Later, they ride their tandem bike to the store and purchase a dresser, which they struggle with getting to the bike. They pull the dresser up a hill, and relax as soon as they start going down. Unfortunately for them, the dresser is faster than they are and they wind up spun backwards and being towed by the dresser, they are dragged by the dresser until a curb stops it propelling Lincoln and Clyde into some shrubs, they get up and Lincoln realizes that they are in the shrubs outside Mrs. Johnson's house.]

Laney: Oh! You guys made it. [looks at the dresser] Wow! This is the dresser you were making?

Lincoln: Yep! That was all me. I did that...

Laney: Impressive work. [Knocks on the dresser] Solid wood. Thought you were going with sandalwood but I'm not judging.

Lincoln: Yeah, yeah. Now help me get this inside.

Laney: Okay. [Laney goes for the door but Lincoln stops her]

Lincoln: Wait! We can't use the door!

Laney: Why not?

Lincoln: [Tries to think up an excuse] Uh... Because I really don't want to carry that heavy dresser all the way upstairs.

Laney: Clyde and I can help, right Clyde.

Clyde: [feeling nauseous] Uhhh...

Laney: Are you feeling okay?

Lincoln: [nervous] Uh. He's fine. He's just got a little motion sick on the way over here. [Clyde becomes more queasy and nods] See if you can find something that can get us up there.

Laney: Uh. Okay... [Leaves]

Lincoln: You gonna be alright, buddy?

Clyde: Sorry, Linc. You know how I get when it comes to lying. My stomach goes in knots!

Lincoln: Don't worry, Clyde. We just need to get this dresser into that room without Laney being the wiser and we'll be in the clear.

Clyde: [gulps] Guh... Okay. I can do this.

Laney: [offscreen] Hey guys! [The boys look to see Laney holding a clothes wire] Will this help?

Lincoln: [Sees and open window] Perfect.

[Cut to later once again as the three try to pull the dresser up to the open window using the clothesline rope, which turns out to be a struggle for all of them. Just then, Mrs. Johnson knocks.]

Mrs. Johnson: Lincoln, I made you a snack. Don't want that blood sugar to drop.

Lincoln: I'm good!

Clyde: Lincoln, you're being rude. She cooked for you.

Lincoln: Fine, hold this.

[Clyde and Laney take the rope, and nearly fall out the window, as Lincoln runs to the door, Mrs. Johnson almost walks in.]

Mrs. Johnson: Lincoln, I-

Lincoln: [Holding the door open just a crack.] Oh, hi, [takes the sandwich] thanks for the sandwich.

Mrs. Johnson: [trying to enter the room] How's the dresser coming?

Lincoln: [Shoves the sandwich in Mrs. Johnson's face.] Uh, it's bad luck to see it before it's finished.

Laney: Before it's finished? I thought it already was.

[Lincoln closes the door, and returns to Clyde and Laney, who are still on the verge of falling, eating the sandwich.]

Lincoln: That was a good call, Clyde, this sandwich is delicious, I think there's smoked turkey in here.

Laney: Can you just help us already? I literally have no upper body stregnth!

Lincoln: [Remembers, panicking] Oh! Right! Sorry! [Catches Clyde right before the dresser crashes, and they continue pulling.] We're almost there.

[Suddenly, Walt comes flying by and sees the trio. He gets angry, and makes a beeline for them, lands on the dresser and he starts pecking at the line. The two boys take notice of this.]

Laney: No! Stop! Bad Walt! Bad!

Lincoln: Hurry!

[The three try to pull the dresser up faster, but the rope snaps in half and the dresser falls to the ground with a large crash. Now the boys and Laney are the ones who are mad, but Walt just blows raspberries at them and flies away. Mrs. Johnson runs outside to see what's going on, and finds the pieces of the dresser all over the lawn.]

[Lincoln and Clyde hide from Mrs. Johnson's sight.]

Laney: Oh, Lincoln. I'm so sorry that your dresser was destroyed. I know you worked so hard on it.

Lincoln: Actually, Laney. There's something I want to tell you...

Clyde: No, Lincoln! We can still fix this! I know. We'll tell her you built the dresser, and I was so jealous how great it was, that I pushed it out the window!

Laney: Clyde, we can't lie to Mrs. Johnson.

Lincoln: She's right, Clyde. Besides, I did enough lying for one day.

Laney: What? Lincoln, what are you talking about?

Lincoln: Laney, both you Mrs Johnson both deserve the truth...

[Outside]

Laney: [outraged] YOU DID WHAT!?

Lincoln: Yeah, I didn't really make that dresser or that stool.

Mrs. Johnson: So your mom built the step stool, and the birdhouse belongs to your pet?

Lincoln: [Remorsefully] Yeah, I'm really sorry that I lied...

Laney: I cannot believe you lied to me like that! After all this time, I thought you really got through your problem. But no! You prefer the easy way out! Like a cheater!

Mrs. Johnson: Well, Lincoln, I'm pretty disappointed, this isn't like you. I-I think you need to clean this up and go home.

Lincoln: Okay. [Turns to start cleaning, but sees that Walt is still mad.] Hey, any chance I can get that birdhouse back from you?

[Later, Lincoln and Clyde are tossing the pieces of the dresser into a dumpster.]

Lincoln: I feel bad about lying, but I didn't have a choice, I'm just not good at woodworking.

Clyde: Oh, totally. It's just like me and the balloons. I tried so hard to blow them up, but I just couldn't. Passed out every time. Even in the ambulance I kept trying. When they took the balloons away, I grabbed some latex gloves and I tried to blow up those-!

Lincoln: [Cutting him off] Whoa, Clyde!

Clyde: I know, I'm spiraling.

Lincoln: No, I mean, you actually tried to conquer blowing up balloons. I didn't put in any effort. I just took the easy way out. [sighs] Like a cheater.

Clyde: Don't be so hard on yourself, buddy. Every uh-oh's a chance to grow. I saw that on a poster in Dr. Lopez's office. [continues to toss the wood into the dumpster.]

Lincoln: Huh, maybe that poster's right. Come on, Clyde! We have to get all that wood back!

Clyde: Well, most of it landed in ketchup, but okay.

[Later, Laney was in her room writing something in her journal when she heard a knock on the door she went to open it and sees Lincoln holding something]

Laney: Well, well, well, If it isn't Woody Wood-faker!

Lincoln: I know why you're upset with me, Laney. And I don't blame you. I've lied to you and tried to take the easy way out instead of facing my problem. And to show how sorry I am. I made something for you.

Laney: Did you? Or did you got it at a half-off sale at Shoulda Coulda Wooda?

Lincoln: No. I mean I actually made something. [Lincoln holds out a crudely made wooden heart] I tried to conquer woodworking and I made this as an apology.

Laney: [smiles] Wow. Lincoln you actually made this? [Confused on what Lincoln's gift was] Uh... rock?

Lincoln: It's supposed to be a heart.

Laney: [sighs] I don't care. It's the thought that counts. [Hugs Lincoln] Thanks Lincoln.

Lincoln: You're welcome, Laney. Now if you excuse me, I got a project to work on. And this time, on my own.

The next day at school, Lincoln enters the classroom and Mrs. Johnson is typing.]

Lincoln: Mrs. Johnson, I just wanted you to know that I made a step stool. [sets the step stool down] I don't expect you to change my grade, I only did it to prove to myself that I could.

Mrs. Johnson: Actually, I haven't done the grading yet. [picks up the step stool to examine it.] I'm proud of you for giving it a try. I can tell how hard you worked. There's blood all over this.

Lincoln: Actually, that's ketchup. Maybe barbecue sauce.

Mrs. Johnson: Well, I think I'm going to give you a pass.

[Lincoln grins and heads to his seat. Clyde is reading a paper. Lincoln sits and he and Clyde gave each other a thumbs up.]

Mrs. Johnson: Ok, class. Our next unit will be... [pulls down a shade with the title of their new unit over the woodworking unit.] ...the clowning arts. We'll start with balloons. [gets out a bag of balloons and blows up a balloon. Clyde is shocked at this.]


	109. Scales of Justice

**Scales of Justice**

It was a rather peaceful day here in Royal Woods. The kind the day you want to spend cooling off at a nearby lake. Especially when you're Lana Loud.

[The episode starts at the lake at Tall Timbers Park, where Lana and Hops are visiting their fish friends. Laney was relaxing by the lake]

Lana: Hey, Mrs. Fishman. Didn't we talk about you staying off your feet until the babies are born? You should be relaxing, in your new kelp bed! [Gives the Fishmans said kelp bed, and then remembers something.] Oh, almost forgot, gotta update my sign. [Goes over to said sign, that reads 'Fishmans Pond population 2'.] 'Fishmans Pond population...' [realizes] Wait, how many little ones are you having again? [The Fishmans submerge, and Lana looks into the water to count their eggs, but decides on something else.] Uh, let's just round it off to a hundred. [using her muddy finger as a pen] So that makes, a hundred and two. Royal Woods is a great place for big families. You guys are gonna be really happy here.

Laney: How are the Fishmans, Lana?

Lana: They're doing just fine, Lanney. Although Mrs. Fishman is still jumpy.

Laney: Well, she is about to be a mother. I guess she's excited. It must a wonderful thing to be part of a family.

Lana: We're already part of a family, Laney.

Laney: No, I mean our own family. I always dreamed I'd be the perfect mother when I'm older.

Lana: You do have the skills to prove it. I mean, who else can change Lily's diaper in 12 seconds?

Laney: I'm trying to go for a new record. [Looks at the Fishmans and sighs] I can't imagine anything that can ruin this moment right now]

[Just then, a bulldozer comes by and it splashes Lana, Laney, and Hops in the mud. Lana turns around and sees the bulldozer.]

Laney: I have got to stop saying that.

Lana: [stern] Hey! What's your problem, pal?!

Worker: Beat it, kids. This land got sold to The Mustard Warehouse. They're building a new store here. I got orders to fill in this pond today.

Laney: But you can't do that! There are some very important fish living here!

Worker: Look, if they got a problem, they can call a lawyer.

Laney: They're fish!

Lana: They can't use the phone.

[The Fishmans look sad.]

Worker: [laughs] Aww, come on, kids. No one cares about a couple of fish. Put 'em in a tank or something.

Laney: What?! We just can't put them in a tank!

Lana: If we move the parents, We'd have to move their eggs, and they could die.

Worker: What can I tell ya, kids? There's plenty of other fish in the sea. [chuckles] Now move. [goes back to his bulldozer.]

Laney: [angry] I'll move you, you fat dumb... [Lana holds Laney back]

Lana: Easy, girl. [gets an idea] Wait, buddy! Your shoe's untied!

Worker: Huh? [sees that his shoe really is untied.] Oh, yeah. [starts to tie his shoe.]

Lana: [to Hops] Hops, bolt removal.

[Hops snags the bolts with his tongue, and spins himself to undo the bolts.]

Worker: Under, around, and through. Meet Mr. Bunny Rabbit, pull, and through. [gets back on his bulldozer, only for it to fall apart.] Oh, for crying into your pub cheese soup! [growls] I'll deal with this tomorrow. [leaves]

Lana: Good job, Hops.

Laney: Yeah, but that's not gonna stop him from destroying the fishman's home! What do we do?

Lana: We need to think up a plan.

Laney: Uh. We might wanna get washed up first.

Lana: No time! [gives a thumbs up to the Fishmans. Just then, Hops lets out a burp.] Hops, diesel breath.

[The Loud House. Muddy footprints are seen on the walkway and into the entrance Lana and Laney walk into the kitchen, still covered in mud. Rita and Lynn Sr. take notice of this.]

Rita: [stern] Lana, Laney, muddy shoes!

Lynn Sr.: [also stern] And pants, and shirt, and hat!

Lana: No time to change, We've got a crisis on our hands.

[Lynn Sr. puts oven mitts on Rita's hands, then takes out a garbage bag. They walk over and Rita puts Lana and Laney in bags and sets them down while they're conversing.]

Lana: The Fishmans are getting kicked out of their home.

Lynn Sr.: Have they tried calling a lawyer?

Laney: [growls] That's what that jerk construction guy said...

Lana: They're fish! And they live in the pond at Tall Timbers Park, but now some jerks wanna pave paradise and-

Luna: [Walks into the kitchen and cuts Lana off.] Put up a parking lot?

Lana: No, a mustard warehouse.

Luna: [Taking a box of apple juice out of the fridge.] Well the mustard warehouse, probably will have a parking lot.

[Lana rolls her eyes, and Luna leaves.]

Lana: I can't just stand by and watch this happen!

Rita: Lynn, I think we may have little activists in our hands.

Laney: Activist? I've never been an activist before.

Lynn Sr.: Well, we might be able to help, hon. Your mother and I were quite the activists in our day, we rallied for a ton of good causes.

Rita: Equal pay for women, reduction in carbon emissions.

Lynn Sr.: The freedom to wear puka shell chokers in the workplace, you know, all the big stuff.

Lana: Great. So, what do we need to do?

Rita: Well, I think your best bet would be to draw up a petition.

Laney: A petition! Brilliant! [Realizing that she has no idea what a petition is.] What's a petition?

Lynn Sr.: Well, you go door to door collecting as many signatures as you can, you'll also need phone numbers, home addresses, and emails.

[Just hearing that exhausts Lana.]

Laney: Uh, how many signatures does it take?

Rita: You'll need the signatures of half of the people in town, which would be about, mmh, ten thousand. [Laney's jaw drops]

Lana: Ten thousand? Is that even a real number? [her parents and Laney nod] Okay, fine. And then the construction will stop?

Lynn Sr.: No. It'll just be delayed while they call a public hearing.

Rita: Now, at the hearing, there has to be... [Just then, a trumpet playing dubs over her and Lynn Sr.'s voices, which is kinda similar to what you hear when the adults in Peanuts are talking, which exhausts Lana even more.]

[Later, in the upstairs hallway, Lana hops up the stairs, still in the bag.]

Lana: Boy, ten thousand signatures? This is gonna be a long day. Guys, we better pee before we go.

Laney: I'm okay. You go. I'll wait.

[Lana hops into the bathroom, where Leni, who is fixing her eyebrows, sees Lana's reflection in the mirror, and freaks out.]

Leni: Aah! Monsters!

Lana: [Not realizing that Leni means her.] Cool, where?

[Leni runs passed Lana and out of the bathroom, screaming, and runs right into Luna Luan's bedroom door, and continues screaming as she runs into her own bedroom door, then Lynn Lucy's, then down the stairs, and stops screaming when she runs into something, again.]

Leni: [offscreen] I'm never going in that bathroom again!

Laney: Uh, Lana? I think we're the monsters.

[Lana hops up onto the step ladder to take a look at her own reflection.]

Laney: Must be from all this mud.

Lana: [Getting an idea] You know guys, maybe there's an easier way to save the Fishmans. [Hops says something] You're right, we should still pee anyway. [Hops over to the toilet, and Hops, using his tongue, closes the door for her.]

[Seconds later at Laney's room]

Laney: I'm not so sure about this, Lana.

Lana: Come on, Laney. It's out only chance at saving the Fishmans.

Laney: But scaring people by pretending to be a monster? This can only lead to trouble.

Lana: But the fish are our friends. And we can't let those guys turn thier home into a place that only sells mustard! And besides getting a ten thousand signatures will take forever!

Laney: You are not wrong about that. Okay, I'm in.

Lana: Great! Now, do you think you can get us a scary monster costume?

[Laney pulls out a rack full of monster costumes out of her chest]

Laney: What size?

[Lana and Hops grin at each other. Afterwards, Lana and Hops are in the woods, Hops rallying together his forest friends, who all raise their various appendages, ready to rescue the Fishmans. Later, the construction worker from the previous day is finishing the repairs on the bulldozer, he starts to climb in, but looks when he hears splashing, he doesn't see anything so he climbs into the dozer and starts it up, when suddenly, something jumps onto his hood, a swamp monster it seems to be, the monster growls at the worker.]

Worker: Aah! Cheese and rice! [He keeps screaming as he puts the bulldozer in reverse, which causes the monster to fall off, but the bulldozer falls in a hole, the worker climbs out and the monster continues growling. The worker pulls out his phone and takes a picture.] They're never gonna believe me! I'm outta here! [Runs for it.]

[Once he's out of sight, the monster is revealed to be Lana, Laney, Hops, and all their forest friends, the Fishmans come out of the water with glee, and wink at them.]

[Later, Lana returns home where Rita, Leni and Lynn Sr. are watching the news, Rita calls her attention.]

Rita: Hey, honey, come check this out. They're talking about your pond.

Katherine Mulligan: Katherine Mulligan coming to you live from Tall Timbers Park. I'm here with the construction worker who claims to have seen an alleged swamp monster.

Worker: That's right, Katherine. Had to be twenty feet tall, couple hundred pounds, paws like a bunch of bananas. See for yourself. [shows the picture] He came at me with everything he had.

Katherine Mulligan: And is that when you ran away screaming?

Worker: Wha-? Who told you that? Was it the monster?

Katherine Mulligan: Uh huh, uh huh. I'm getting word that in light of this incident, the mustard warehouse has decided to build its new store in another location.

Lana: [joyful] Yeah! [laughs; high fives with Laney]

Lynn Sr.: Looks like you lucked out, kiddo.

Rita: Even though you didn't need it, we're proud you were willing to put in the effort with that petition.

Laney: But we didn't make- [Lana covers Laney's mouth before she could finish]

Lana: Enough signatures yet! But we're getting close. Aren't we Laney. [Winks at Laney]

Laney: Oh! Yeah! We're making great progress. [Smiles sheepishly]

Leni: Ten thousand? Is that even a real number?

Laney: Yes it is.

Lana: Apparently.

Leni: Well, I'm just glad that swamp monster isn't in our bathroom anymore.

Rita Lynn Sr.: That's terrific, sweetie.

[Lana and Hops return to Tall Timbers Park.]

Lana: Well, guys, the Fishmans are gonna be pretty happy to see ol' Lans.

Laney: And Auntie Laney.

Lana: Auntie.

Laney: You know. For all of the Fishmans new babies.

Lana: Oh, yeah. Not to boast, but we did save their- [gasps]

[To Lana and Laney's surprise, it is shown that the pond is surrounded with people and the news crew, waiting to see the "swamp monster" again.]

Man: Here, monster, monster.

Girl: I need a selfie with the monster.

[Flip is also running a stand as well, selling "official", (and probably counterfeit), swamp monster shirts.]

Flip: Get your swamp monster tees! One for $4, three for $15!

Lana: [approaches Katherine] What's going on?

Katherine Mulligan: Katherine Mulligan coming to you live from Tall Timbers Park. It appears the alleged swamp monster has turned this once sleepy hamlet into a hotbed of media attention.

Lana: [turns confused for a second, then realizes...] Oh, you're talking to me.

Katherine Mulligan: Yes, I am. And can you please move? Because we need to set up our broadcasting tent.

[Her crew sets up the tent, one member kneals a foot in the water while tying down the guide wires.]

Lana: [To the aforementioned crew member.] Be careful, there are delicate fish eggs over here, [shoves the crew member out of the pond.] they need peace and quiet. [Just then, the news chopper hovers in, flabbergasting Lana.] How long is this whole 'media hot sauce' thing gonna last?!

Katherine Mulligan: Until the swamp monster decides to pack up and leave. Katherine Mulligan will be bringing you all the action, twenty-four seven, I'm Katherine Mulligan. [Leaves]

Laney: [To Lana] She does know she not on the air, right?

[Lana gets an idea.]

Lana: Nevermind that, Laney. I got an idea.

[Later, at Short Shrub Creek, many people are lolly gagging around, minding their own business, not expecting anything unusual to happen. Lana, along with Hops, Laney, and their forest friends, are in their swamp monster costume, hiding in the creek.]

Laney: I'm not sure about this, Lana. Last time we did this, it caused too much trouble.

Lana: I know, Laney. And I feel bad for scaring these people, but we gotta do it for the Fishmans.

[They dawn the costume and sink into the water. Meanwhile, an innocent Leni and Becky are having a picnic by the shore, unaware that they are about to have an unexpected visitor.]

Becky: [To Leni] So, I brought the ham and cheese. Did you bring the baguette?

Leni: I'm sorry, I didn't know what that was so, I just got bread.

[Leni pulls said bread out of the basket, which actually is a baguette, when suddenly, the swamp monster rises from the creek, growling, the girls freak out and join the other people at the creek in making a run for it. Everybody runs away, except Leni, who runs screaming into a tree, and then runs screaming into another tree, and another before finally dropping to the ground.]

Laney: Wow. She didn't miss a single tree.

[Back at Tall Timbers]

Katherine Mulligan: Listen up, team, this is Katherine Mulligan with breaking news.

News Crew Member: Katherine, we know your name.

Katherine Mulligan: The swamp monster has been spotted at Short Shrub Creek. This is Katherine Mulligan saying, let's get over there!

[Everybody takes off, except Flip, who had raised his prices to five dollars a shirt, and three shirts for twenty.]

Flip: Anyone wanna give Flip a lift?! I'll give you a discount on a t-shirt, six bucks.

[The Fishmans look at this scene and Lana emerges from the lake.]

Lana: Fish fam, great news. We got those noisy TV people out of here so you can raise your babies in peace!

[Later back at home, Lana, Laney, and Hops are on the couch seeing the news about the Lake on TV.]

Katherine Mulligan: This is Katherine Mulligan coming to you live from Short Shrub Creek, where the swamp monster has recently relocated.

Lana: [To Hops] Thanks to us. [Up tops with Hops]

Katherine Mulligan: That's bad news for the mustard warehouse, because Short Shrub Creek was going to be the site of their new store.

Laney: What!?

Lana: [Unable to believe her ears] Wait, it was?

Katherine Mulligan: The good news is, now that Tall Timbers Park is swamp monster free, they'll be able to move back there, construction starts tomorrow. I'm Katherine Mulligan.

Lana: [Gasps] What have we done?! They're going right back to the Fishmans!

Laney: [smacks her forehead] AAUGH! I knew this swamp mosnter thing would lead to trouble. Why oh why do I always have to be right!? It's both a blessing and a curse...

[Lana sadly walks into her room towards her bed.]

Lana: Oh Hops, I should've listened to Mom and Dad and done things the right way. [Pulls out her phone to look at a selfie she took with the Fishmans, and notices the time.] We still have time before they turn the Fishmans' home into mustard, maybe we can still do this.

[Later, there is a knock on Mr. Grouse's door, he opens it to find Lana and Laney]

Lana: Hi, Mr. Grouse, I'm collecting signatures to stop the mustard warehouse from destroying the Fishmans' home.

Mr. Grouse: Uh, did the Fishmans try calling a lawyer?

Laney: [Exasperated] THEY'RE FISH! Why do I have to keep explaining that?! [Lana shows Mr. Grouse the selfie.]

Mr. Grouse: Well, mustard gives me the toots, so I'll sign.

Lana: [During a montage of her collecting more signatures.] A thank you. A thank you. A thank you. A thank you. A thank you. A thank you. A thank you.

[Eventually, she returns home where all her siblings were watching TV with their parents.]

Rita: There you are, honey. We heard from that reporter what's-her-name that they're back to paving your park again.

Lana: I know. I was out trying to get those ten thousand signatures to stop them.

Lynn Sr.: How'd it go?

Laney: We did great. But we came up ten million short...

Rita: [hugs Lana] 'I'm really sorry, sweetie, but you did everything you could.

Lana: Well, no, we... [Laney raises an eyebrow at her] Okay, I actually didn't. I tried to take a shortcut and made things worse, and by the time I decided to do it the right way, I was too late.

Lynn Sr.: Well, we're still proud that you stood up for what you believed in.

Lana: Yeah, but that doesn't do much for the Fishmans. They're still going to lose their home. [collapses on the floor and the selfie falls to the ground. Lisa takes notice of this and looks at the picture.]

Lisa: Wait a proverbial ding dang moment.

Lana: [threatingly] Lisa, if you tell me to call a lawyer, I'm going to-

Lisa: No, no, no. You don't need a lawyer or signatures. The 'Fishmans', as you so charmingly refer to them, are actually Acipenser Fulvenscens. Street name: lake sturgeon.

Leni: The Fishmans are doctors?

Lisa: [sighs] Not 'surgeon', Leni, sturgeon. Which are endangered and therefore protected.

Lana: [gets up] Wait, are you saying-

Lisa: That nobody can touch their habitat. It's a federal law.

Laney and Lana: [Hugs each other; joyfully] YAAAAAAAY!

Lisa: As you may recall, in 1973, Congress passed... [Just then, the trumpet from before can be heard playing again, dubbing over Lisa's voice, and Lana turns exhausted again. Camera zooms out to show that Luna was actually playing the trumpet over what Lisa's saying on the stairs and Lisa takes notice of this.] Luna, I'm trying to speak here.

[And so, at the Fishman's Pond, it is now in federal protection.]

Lana: See that, Fishmans? You are now federally protected, which means no one can mess with your home.

[Several fish babies swim up to their parents.]

Laney: Aww! Hello little babies.

Lana: Aunt Lana and Uncle Hops are here to babysit! You guys enjoy yourselves. A-thank you. [She walks into the pond.] You gonna join us, Laney? [Laney is sitting on a lawnchair]

Laney: No thanks. I had enough getting dirty for one day.

Lana: Suit yourself. [Dives in the water]

[Just then, Leni and Becky arrive to have a redo of their picnic.]

Leni: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Becky: Oh, Leni, come on. W-what's-her-name from the news said there hasn't been a swamp monster sighting in days!

Leni: Okay, I guess.

[They sit down to have their picnic, when suddenly they hear something coming from the pond, Lana and Hops, who are both covered in mud, come out of the pond, Lana spitting out water from her mouth, but Leni and Becky, thinking it's the swamp monster again, freaks out and run off, with Leni hitting the trees offscreen as she grunts in pain each time she hits one while Lana remains in the pond, confused.]

Laney: You really got to work on your timing, Lana.


	110. Be Stella My Heart

**Be Stella My Heart**

[It was another day in Royal Woods Elementary, Laney was in the hallway with her friend Karla]

Laney: So, Karla. Did you and Quentin see the latest episode of John Ruby Case Files?

Karla: Did I ever! Quentin and I could not stop talking about the twist ending where the jewel theif was actually the school janitor Mr. Robinson!

[Three kids over hear Karla's spoilers]

Kid #1: Well, thanks for spoiling it for the rest of us! [The three kids leave in anger]

Karla: [Realizing her folly] Oops! Sorry about that.

Laney: Karla, we've been over this. You have to say spoiler alert. [The kids throw their books at Karla] Hey! That's no reason to throw books at my friend!

Karla: No, I deserved it.

?: Hey. Are you alright? [Laney Karla see a brown skinned girl with black hair. And is wearing white sweater with a red star in the middle, a red collar, and red sleeves, a long black skirt, white knee-high socks with a red and blue stripe at the top, and green sneakers. She also wears a wristwatch on her right hand.]

Laney: No, we're fine. [Helps Karla up] Say, I've never seen you around the school before.

Stella: I just started here two weeks ago. I'm Stella.

Laney: Oh! You must be that new girl my brother's been talking about!

Stella: Oh, Lincoln's your brother?

Laney: Yeah, one of many siblings. I'm Laney, and this is Karla.

Karla: Sup.

Stella: Nice to meet you. I was just about to head to the cafeteria for lunch.

Karla: Hey, us too. Wanna go swap deeds?

Stella: Sounds great. [The trio then walked to the cafeteria]

[Meanwhile at the cafeteria, Lincoln and his friends were having lunch.]

Clyde: Liam, would you be interested in my hand-cut sushi? It's Yellowtail.

Liam: You know I am. Hey, you want my deviled eggs? They're farm-to-table.

Rusty: Lincoln, is that your dad's homemade pudding?

Lincoln: It is. What are you offering?

Rusty: One bologna sandwich, fridge-to-table.

Lincoln: Throw in your buffalo chips, and we've got a deal.

Zach: So, no takers on my tuna kit?

Rusty: Your mom's still buying those, huh?

[Zach sadly nods]

Lincoln: [notices something] Guys, here comes the new girl! The one I met on the bus.

[The guys all look and see Stella with a lunch bag walking their way.]

Liam: Ooo-wee, She sure is easy on the eyes.

Zach: Oh yeah. And I hear she speaks three languages.

Clyde: Have you guys heard her laugh? It's so... contagious.

Rusty: I like the way her hair smells. [The other boys gawk] What? Too far?

Lincoln: [gasps] Here she comes! Be cool! Be cool!

Laney: Hey, guys. I'd like you meet Stella. Mind if we have lunch with you guys?

[The other boys try to act cool for Stella. Rusty is drooling green liquid, Zach is nibbling on a straw from a milk carton, Liam is nervously staring, Lincoln is drinking but coughs out and chokes, and Clyde swallows a deviled egg, but coughs it out.]

Stella: Uhhhh...right. So, yeah. I'll just, uh...yeah. [leaves]

Lincoln: Wonder what that was all about?

Zach: I don't know, but I'm glad we played it so cool.

[Cut to Laney, Stella, and Karla at a different table]

Stella: Is it me or were those boys acting weird?

Karla: Since when are they not weird?

Laney: Karla! Um, what she's trying to say is that boys get a little shy around the new girl.

Karla: [laughs] Yeah, like this. [Acts doofy] Duh... duh... Pretty lady... Duuuuuuhhh... [Laney pushes Karla]

Laney: Karla, that's enough! Look, just give them a chance. I'm sure they'll warm up to you.

[Later in gym class, the guys are playing dodgeball.]

Rusty: Okay, guys, snake formation!

[Zach, Lincoln, Clyde, and Liam hide behind Rusty, imitating snake sounds.]

Zach: Keep an eye out for Girl Jordan. Last time, she blindsided us.

[Enter Stella]

Stella: Hey, guys, what do you have going on here? Some kind of defensive maneuver? Can I get in on this? [The boys are frozen in place, just awkwardly staring.] Okay...well, good luck. [leaves]

Lincoln: Seriously. Why does she keep coming over to us? [gets pelted by a dodgeball]

Zach: Aw, come on, Girl Jordan! Coach didn't even blow the whistle yet!

[Now they are in their science class, Zach picks up a beaker.]

Clyde: I think we can all agree I should handle the Bunsen Burner after what happened last time.

Zach: Yeah. Rusty and his aftershave.

Rusty: What can I say? It sets the ladies on fire too.

[Enter Stella once again]

Stella: Hey, guys, need another lab partner? Otherwise, I have to be with Mrs. Johnson. Not that she doesn't seem cool, but you know what I mean.

[The other boys try to act cool once again until Zach drops the beaker, which explodes. Stella just leaves.]

[Later, they are waiting outside the nurse's office.]

Rusty: You burned off my mustache, Zach!

Zach: It was like, two hairs, Rusty.

Lincoln: I still don't get it. Why does Stella keep coming over to talk to us? That's three times in one day.

Liam: Maybe she's trying to sell us a time-share.

Zach: [gasps] Maybe she's spying on us for the CIA.

Rusty: Guys, what you don't know about women could fill a library. She obviously has a crush on one of us.

[Zach, Liam, and Clyde grow surprised to hear that.]

Lincoln: Now that you mention it, I was picking up some vibes.

Liam: [chuckles] Dang! I wonder who she likes?

Clyde: I guess we'll just have to wait till she makes her next move.

Rusty: I hope I have time to grow back my 'stache.

[Meanwhile, Stella was talking to Laney and Karla]

Stella: I just don't know what's going on with those boys! Everytime I try to say hello to them, they just freeze up! It's so weird!

Karla: Ah, boys are a mystery. Not even John Rby can solve this.

Laney: Again, not helping. Maybe it'll be easier to get along with the boys if you get to know them one by one. You know, hang out with one of them. That way they will all get along with them.

Stella: Hmm. Okay, I guess I can try that. Thanks, Laney.

Laney: No problem. [Stella leaves] I get the feeling they are gonna be just fine.

Karla: Whatever you say, Lanes. [Laney walks off, Karla holds out her book] Sometimes I wish all boys can be more like you, John Ruby.

[Later, the boys are at their lockers, prepping themselves. Liam combs his hair up, Clyde puts a tissue in his shirt pocket, Lincoln flosses his teeth, Zach cleans his glasses, and Rusty applies breath spray.]

Rusty: Anyone want some breath spray? Sour green apple, it's a total lady killer. [Closes his locker]

Zach: [Putting his glasses back on] I'll take some. That tuna kit didn't do much for my breath.

Lincoln: Here she comes. Play it cool.

Stella: Hey guys. [Stops when she sees the boys are just staring at her again.] Lincoln, do you wanna go to the Burpin' Burger after school?

Lincoln: Yes! I knew it was me! [Realizing what he just did] I mean, sure, I think I'm free.

Stella: Great, my family's on a health kick and I'm really craving some fries. [Starts off] Meet you by the busses.

[Lincoln gets pulled in by the rest of his friends.]

Zach: Aw, Lucky!

Liam: You dog!

Clyde: Congratulations, buddy.

Rusty: Ugh, it's always Lincoln.

Lincoln: What can I say? I mean, I am having a really good hair week.

[The next day at school...]

Laney: So how was Lincoln?

Stella: Oh, you're brother was awesome! You should've seen how he dominated at Dance Battle at the arcade!

Laney: Yeah, he had some practice. [Bell rings] Well, gotta go. I got ceramics class.

Stella: Okay, see ya.

[Inside the classroom, Lincoln is bragging to the others about his time with Stella.]

Lincoln: You should have seen her on that claw machine, she was a boss

Zach: Man! She's cool.

Lincoln: And get this, we both prefer curly fries to regular, it's like we're meant for each other.

Rusty: [Still jealous] Well, everyone prefers curly fries.

Clyde: [Looks out the classroom door] Oh! Here she comes.

[Stella walks into the classroom, waves at the boys, and walks over.]

Zach: Probably gonna ask about date number two. [Elbows Lincoln] Eh? Eh?

[Lincoln smiles, and plays it cool, only for Stella to walk right past him like he wasn't even there.]

Stella: Hey, Rusty. [Rusty accidentally slams his desk top onto his hand, and yelps in pain.] Do you wanna go to the flea market with me later?

[The other four stare in disbelief.]

Rusty: [Still in pain] Totally, totally.

Stella: Cool. [Walks off]

Rusty: Gah! [Takes out his hand which is now aching from the pain.]

Lincoln: [Whose turn it is to be jealous] What was that, man?! Stella and I have a thing going on!

Rusty: What do you want me to say? [Stroking his hair] I guess she decided she prefers red sauce over white sauce. [Points to, the extremely angry, Lincoln's hair.]

[The next day, the boys are on the jungle gym, Rusty now has the bragging rights.]

Rusty: ...and then we went out for ice cream and it turns out we both like waffle cones.

Lincoln: [Sitting on the ground, jealous] Well, everyone likes waffle cones

Zach: [Looks over] Hey, check it out, Rusty.

[Stella is walking over to the boys, waving.]

Rusty: Probably wants to lock me down for the whole weekend.

Stella: Hey, Liam. [The boys are surprised] You wanna go to the mall after school? I know this sounds weird, but I really like trying on wigs at the wig store.

Liam: [So amazed, he falls off the jungle gym, but gets back up.] Don't sound weird to me, I'm in.

[Stella gives him a thumbs up and leaves.]

Rusty: [Who's back to being jealous.] What the heck Liam?

Lincoln: [Smug] Tough break, 'red sauce', I guess she's more in to biscuits and gravy now.

[The next day, the boys are in the classroom, Liam showing them the photos he and Stella took, suddenly, Stella taps Zach's shoulder, waves, and makes pistol gestures, as she is asking Zach to go laser tagging, Zach's eyes turn to hearts, and Liam bangs on his desk with jealousy. The next, next day, Zach is showing the boys the video of he and Stella laser tagging, Stella then taps Clyde's shoulder, waves, and does a little dance, as she is asking Clyde to the arcade to play Dance Dance Revolution, Clyde's eyes turn to hearts, and Zach, out of jealousy, punches the drinking fountain, and drops to the floor, clutching his injured hand. The next, next, next day, Clyde shows the boys the photo, and they all rage with jealousy.]

[After school, Lincoln is walking home, talking to himself.]

Lincoln: Ugh! I'm so confused, why does Stella keep asking out all of us? What is her deal?

[He walks into the house, where his sisters are watching the Dream Boat.]

Lisa: Male sibling lacking melanin, care to join us in viewing the Dream Boat?

Lincoln: Eh, I'm not really in the mood.

Laney: What's up, Lincoln?

Lincoln: I just don't know what's going on with Stella! She keeps asking us out one by one! What the heck is her game?

Laney: Oh, I can answer that. See...

[Suddenly one of the characters on the Dream Boat says something.]

Kelly: I'm really torn, they're all great guys, but I'm still not sure who I want to be my first mate. Guess I'll just wait 'til one of them blows me out of the water.

Lincoln: [Still talking to himself] Oh, so that's what Stella's doing. [Runs back down the stairs and shoves Lisa over.] Move over.

Laney: Uh, Lincoln. That's not why-

Lincoln: Shhh! [Laney sighs]

[The next day, Lincoln is at school with his date khakis on, and his hair done up. He walks up to his locker and is surprised at what he sees, Rusty is wearing a white suit, Zach had his teeth whitened, Clyde is not wearing his glasses, and Liam is spraying on cologne, which goes in his eyes.]

Zach: [Noticing Lincoln, and smugly] Well, well, well, look at you Mr. Date khakis.

Lincoln: It's laundry day, I couldn't find my jeans. [Suspiciously] What about you guys?

Zach: What? I happened to have a coupon for teeth whitening.

[Zach smiles a smile so shiny it blinds the other boys.]

Liam: And I always wear this much cologne.

Clyde: [Facing the wrong way] And, I've been meaning to ditch my glasses.

[Liam turns Clyde around to face the group.]

Rusty: [Saying out loud what they're all thinking.] Okay guys, let's be real, we all watched the Dream Boat last night, we know Stella hasn't decided who she likes, and were all trying to 'blow her out of the water'.

[They all ramble in agreement.]

Zach: Well, uh... this is awkward.

Clyde: It doesn't have to be. We can be gentlemen about this.

[They all ramble in agreement, again. At lunch, Stella sits at a table, with Laney and Karla, puts her headphones on, and starts eating, the boys walk in and see this.]

Karla: Oh, boy here comes the doofus parade. [Laney and Karla see the boys.]

Laney: Something tells me that things aren't going so well between the boys and Stella.

Karla: Oh, they like Stella alright. Like her enough to kill each other her her.

[At first, the boys smile and casually walk to her, but they soon grow determined looks and start hurrying.]

Clyde: [As he pulls into the lead] STELLA! [But due to not having his glasses, he runs right into Coach Pacowski.]

Karla: [Announcing] And Clyde is out for the count. Meanwhile Liam is taking the lead, but Zach slides right past him!

[As Karla announces, Liam jumps over Clyde and pulls ahead, but Zach slides over a table and cuts Liam off, he then blinds Liam with his smile again.]

Karla: And he blinds his competition with his winning smile!

Liam: Gah, too bright! [Stumbles backwards and lands in a recycling bin. Rusty chases after Zach, and grabs a bottle of mustard off a table, he squeezes it onto the floor and Zach slips out of control and falls.]

Rusty: Yeah!

[Rusty takes the lead, with Lincoln in hot pursuit. Suddenly, Lincoln gets an idea, he sees that Girl Jordan is eating spaghetti and meatballs. He quickly takes out a pudding cup and calls to her.]

Lincoln: Girl Jordan, I'll trade you my pudding for a meatball. [Whizzes right past Jordan, taking the meatball right off her fork, and leaving his pudding before she even knows what happened.] Thanks. [She just looks at her, now empty, fork, wondering what happened to her meatball. Meanwhile, Lincoln lines up his shot, and throws the meatball, which hits Rusty in the back so hard, that he falls over in slow motion.] What? You said she likes red sauce.

Rusty: Low blow, man. This is dry clean only. [Runs off]

Karla: Oooh snap! Rusty just took a hard meatball to the back! That stain aint coming off! [Laney faceplams at Karla's antics]

Laney: Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you.

[Lincoln sees that Stella is ripe for the picking, the last man standing does a quick victory dance, and goes over. But right at that moment, Stella, completely unaware of what just happened right behind her, gets up and leaves, just as Lincoln suavely sits. Lincoln sees that Stella's gone and is now bummed out.]

Laney: [To Karla] I know things are looking bad but do you have to encourage it.

Karla: What? Can't blame a girl for making the most out a situation.

[Later in gym class, the guys have miffed looks on their faces, crossing their arms, not even looking at each other.]

Zach: In case anyone's interested, I'm out of the snake formation.

Liam: Well, I actually left it earlier than you. I just didn't tell you.

Rusty: The snake formation is officially dead.

Clyde: Fine by me!

Lincoln: Me too!

[Just then, the whistle blows. They look down at the dodgeballs, then each other. Lincoln picks one up and is about to throw it, but gets pelted by Rusty.]

Rusty: That's for the meatball! [gets pelted by Zach] Ow!

Zach: That's for the mustard! [gets pelted by Liam] Oof!

Liam: That's for blinding me!

Clyde: [throws one at Liam but hits Lincoln instead.] Take that!

[And just like that, they immediately start beating each other up. Coach Pacowski blows his whistle and goes over there to break them up while the other students, including Stella, who looks on. Later, Stella was walking with Laney and Karla]

Stella: So, any idea what's going on with the boys?

Laney: What do you mean?

Stella: Well, they were so mad at each other in gym today. I really thought someone with a snake formation would be good friends.

Karla: [Whispers to Laney] Should we tell her?

Laney: Nah. Best not to get involved with labors of love. Or in this case: stupid mistakes of love.

[Just then the girls meet up the Lincoln and his friends again]

Lincoln: Stella, we need to talk to you.

Stella: Oh, hey guys. What's up?

Clyde: [facing the other way yet again.] Oh, I think you know. We're through with your mind games. [Zach turns him around.] Uh, thanks, Lincoln.

Stella: [confused] My what?

Liam: Don't act all innocent. You nearly broke up our friendship.

Rusty: Asking us all out on dates, then making us compete to see who would 'blow you out of the water'.

Stella: Blow me out of the water? What are you talking about?

Lincoln: Doesn't matter. We're done. You couldn't choose one of us for a boyfriend, so now you don't get any of us.

[Karla was trying to comprehend what the boys just said]

Karla: [To Laney and Stella] Are they serious?

Laney: Looks like it... [Karla and Stella then burst into laughter]

Stella: What? I'm sorry for laughing, it's just... you guys are so off base. I don't want a boyfriend, I just wanted to be friends, with all of you.

Zach: Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place?

Karla: Because you guys kept acting stupid around her?

Laney: Karla! What she's trying to say is that you guys were having a hard time... controlling yourselves around her. So I suggested that Stella should hang out with all of you one at a time to get to know all of you.

Boys: Ah.

Stella: You know, maybe this was a bad idea. It seems like you guys just can't handle being friends with a girl. I'm gonna go hang out with Karla and Laney. [The girls leave]

Lincoln: Oh, man. Karla was right. We were acting stupid.

Clyde: It's too bad 'cause Stella's really fun. I was hoping she'd teach me how to master the claw machine.

Liam: Yeah, and I was hoping she'd help me pick out a wig for my mee-maw.

Zach: And she would've made a great addition to our snake formation. She could've been the rattle.

Lincoln: Well, maybe if we go tell her how sorry we are, she'll give us another chance.

[At lunch, Stella is eating her sandwich, with Laney and Karla]

Laney: I'm sorry things didn't work out, Stella.

Karla: I told you boys are nothing but a mystery.

Laney: But if it makes you feel better you can always be our friend.

Stella: [smiles] Thanks, guys. At least I can hang out with someone normal.

[Just then the boys came in]

Lincoln: Hey, Stella. [Stella turns to face the boys.] We just wanna apologize for how we acted.

Liam: Yeah, you were right. Just cause you're a gal and we're fellers don't mean ya had to be fixin' for a romance.

Rusty: What we don't know about women, could fill a library.

Lincoln: We just hope you can forgive us, because we all really liked hanging out with you, as a friend. [A brief moment, and Stella returns to her sandwich. Which Lincoln can only assume is a no.] Um, okay, well, that's cool. I guess we'll just, uh, see you around.

[Stella looks at them as they leave, when suddenly...]

Stella: Hang on. [The boys stop and listen] Lincoln, what's in that thermos?

Lincoln: My dad's homemade tomato soup.

Stella: [Thinks about it] I'll trade you my fruit salad for it.

Lincoln: Deal! [Walks over to Stella, followed by the others.]

Liam: Hey, uh, how about swapping them there rice cakes for some hush puppies?

Stella: Definitely.

Zach: Any chance you'd trade your juice box for a tuna kit?

Stella: Sorry, dude. That's where I draw the line.

[The boys laugh, except for Zach who is rather bummed out. Stella gestures for the boys to sit with her, and they happily do so.]

Laney: [laughs] Well, what do you know? You guys got along after all! We'll just leave you all to chat swap lunches; to Karla] Told you they'd get along.

Karla: Eh, at least I had fun egging them on. Wanna watch John Ruby Case Files at my place?

Laney: You know it! [The girls leave]

Clyde: After lunch, we can work out our new snake formation.

Stella: Just wanna throw it out there: have you guys ever considered a scorpion formation? [Pulls out a diagram of said formation.] It's 22% more effective.

Boys: Ooh!

Lincoln: We're listening.

[Stella smiles at this.]


	111. Gown and Out

**Gown and Out**

[The episode starts at Royal Woods Elementary, where they are hosting the Little Miss Royal Woods Pageant.]

Cheryl: Welcome back to the Little Miss Royal Woods Pageant. Up next, we are kicking off the talent portion with Lola Loud and her famous ribbon dance!

[A spotlight shines on Lola as she twirls her ribbon the air.]

Lola: It's Lola.

[She performs the ribbon dance as her family cheers her on.]

Lincoln: Notice how the ribbon never touches the floor. Sign of a real pro. [Laney nods]

[The interview portion]

Cheryl: How would you define true beauty?

Lola: To me, true beauty means having big hair and an even bigger heart.

Crowd: [touched] Awwwwww!

Laney: The 'bigger heart' part got me!

Lincoln: Yes! Perfect balance of sap and sass.

Lynn: Ok, how do you know this junk?

Lincoln: Do you seriously not remember when I was the twins' pageant coach? [notices something] Shhh! They're announcing the winner!

Cheryl: And your next Little Miss Royal Woods is...! [The audience gasps in shock] You guessed it. [The audience gasps again] Lola!

Lola: [surprised] Whaaat?

Laney: [To the viewers] Don't act so surprised. She wins this every time.

[Cheryl places the crown on top of Lola's head as the audience cheers.]

[Backstage, Lola meets up with her family.]

Rita: Oh, we are so proud of you, sweetie!

Lola: Thanks, you guys. It was nothing.

Laney [smirks]: You can sure say that again.

Cheryl: [comes in with some papers] I have some exciting news, sweetie. Winning this title qualifies you for the Little Miss Southeastern Michigan Pageant!

Lola: [suprised to hear this] Wha-? A-A regional pageant? I've never competed at that level before.

Cheryl: Pack your bags! Cause it's a coming up next weekend!

Lola: Wow!

Lynn Sr.: Next weekend? I have my pastry workshop.

Rita: And I have my dental conference.

Lola: But, but it's my first shot at the big time!

[Rita and Lynn Sr. then thought of something and look at Lori.]

Lori: [Holding her phone] Are you looking at me? I can feel you looking at me. Uh, look, no offense, but being a pageant chaperone, isn't really how I planned to spend my weekend.

Rita: What if we threw in a spa package? Hmm?

Lori: You literally have a deal.

Lola: [cheers at this and hugs Lori] Thanks, Lori!

Laney: Can I come too?

Rita: Why do you wanna go, Laney?

Laney: Can't a girl come and support her sister? Besides, hotels mean unlimited room service!

Lynn Sr.: Okay, but just don't go overboard this time.

Laney: No promises!

[Next weekend comes with Lori, Laney, and Lola at the Caribou Suites Hotel. Lori and Laney are carrying Lola's luggage.]

Lola: Lola Loud, checking in for Little Miss Southeastern Michigan. [Notices other pageant participants texting on their phones.] Hi, I'm Lola. Isn't it exciting to be competing in the big leagues?

Chinah: Well, not as exciting as nationals last year. It could be fun. Hi, I'm Chinah, with two H's.

Jackie: She holds the record for the most titles won before age 7.

Chinah: Oh, that's nothing. Jackie here does toothpaste commercials.

[Jackie shows her pearly whites.]

Claudette: And my name is Claudette.

Lola: Woah! Are those sequins French crystal?

Claudette: Oui. All of my gowns are made in Paris. Aren't yours?

Lola: [chuckles nervously]

Lori: Come on, Lola, I've got our room key.

Lola: Heh, oh darn. Gotta run. [dashes off] Okay, okay, stay cool, Lola. Just 'cause these girls have fancy dresses, shiny teeth, and names with extra letters doesn't mean you can't compete with them, heh! [Groans while Lori struggles to carry the luggage, and ends up tripping backward.]

[Lola, Laney, and Lori are outside the stage where the rehearsals are.]

Lori: Well, good luck at rehearsal. Not that you need it.

Lola: Thanks, sis. Enjoy your spa day.

Lori: Ah, believe me. I will. [Scene changes to her at the spa] What do you mean you're full? Can't you please squeeze me in? I'll take your worst masseuse.

Clerk: Mmm, I'm afraid Greg's booked, too. We had like 12 pageant moms request deep tissue.

Lori: [sighs] Yeah, I get that. It's okay. I'll just try again tomorrow.

Pageant Mom: [offscreen] Ow! Greg, that's my spleen!

[Meanwhile, Laney was in the room where Lola was staying. She jumped into one of the beds and lied down on it]

Laney: Ahhh. [Laney reaches the phone and dials room service] Hello, room service. I'll take one of your finest robes and your finest chocolates please. [Later, Laney was wearing a white hotel robe laying down next to a bunch of flowers. Lori comes in]

Lori: Ugh, lousy moms have to take up the entire... huh? [Lori is surprised to see Laney and all of her room service things]

Laney: Hey, Lori.

Lori: Must you always take advantage of the room service of literally every hotel we go to, Laney?

Laney: What can I say? They really know how to treat a guest. [hands Lori a chocolate] Bon bon?

Lori: Ooh. Yes please. [Eats the chocolate]

[Back with Lola...]

Announcer: Next up, talent! Jackie, let's see your gymnastics routine.

Lola: Oh, tumbling. Cute.

Announcer: [Jackie begins her routine] And there she goes! Giant swing with a full release! She spins 360 degrees and a half turn with climb, jump, and a handstand!

Lola: [Gasps in amazement]

Jackie: Eh, not my best.

Announcer: Next up, we have Lola performing...Oh, a-a ribbon dance. Cute.

[Lola nervously walks up with her ribbon, which gets caught in a nail on the floorboard, sending her flying backward.]

[Later on...]

Announcer: What is the single most significant event in human history?

Chinah: Great question! It depends whether we approach from a socioeconomic or geopolitical perspective.

Lola: [decides to bail after hearing this.] Gah, excuse me! Excuse me!

[Lori and Laney are watching The Dream Boat in the hotel room when Lola comes in.]

Laney: There's our little superstar! So how did it go?

Lori: Yeah, did you kill it?

Lola: Uh...yeah. You know it. Crown's in the bag. Uh...I'm just gonna go steam up my pores for tomorrow.

[Lola walks into the bathroom, turns on the sink, and sulks against the bathtub as she calls Lincoln on her phone.]

Lincoln: Lola, what's wrong? [gasps] Did your hair fall flat?

Lola: No, it's not my hair. It's the other contestants. They're... um... [whispers it into the phone.]

Lincoln: What was that?

Lola: They're... BETTER than I am! What if I don't win? What if I looo... loooo... ooooo... [starts to get nauseous] I can't even say it without getting nauseous!

Lincoln: Lola, you're not going to lose! You're a pageant powerhouse! Now make sure you get to bed early tonight, you don't want to wake up all puffy eyed and blotchy.

Lola: Yeah, yeah... [picks up an eyeliner and gets an idea.] Or do I...?

[The next morning, Lori and Laney are waking up from her sleep.]

Lori: [yawns, but then sees Lola pretending to be sick.] Ah! [gasps] Lola! What happened?

Lola: [fake coughs and imitates a scratched up voice.] I don't know. I do feel a little under the weather, but, the pageant must go on.

Laney: Are you kidding me? Look at you, you're sick! You can't go to the pageant like this!

Lori: [lays Lola back down] I'm so sorry, Lola, I know how much you wanted to compete but, you just can't.

Lola: [sighs] That's alright. I'll get over it, someday. [her expression changes to a happy tone.] Well, enjoy the spa.

Lori: Pssh, forget the spa. I am staying right here. Maybe a fun sister day will help cheer you up.

Lola: What?! No! Y-Y-You don't have to do that.

Laney: Of course we have to! You're our sister! [Laney gives Lola her robe]

Lola: You're giving me your robe?

Laney: Yes. I'm figured just because you're not going to be a pageant queen doesn't mean you can't be treated like one.

Lori: Now, sit tight. We're gonna hit the gift shop for supplies.

[Later, Lola's bed was crowded with heart-shaped balloons and flowers. Lori enters.]

Lori: I'm back~. [gasps] Oh, good, the flowers and balloons arrived.

Laney: Most of those flowers are mine.

Lori: First up, mani-pedis. I got coral, lavender, and sea foam, you get first pick.

Lola: Whoa, these are the fancy brand.

Lori: What's money when you have a sick sister?

Lola: Ugh.

Laney: 3 warm chocolate chip cookies in your coldest milk please? And what are you guys having?

Lola: But those cookies are $5.95 each!

Laney: Nonsense, I order stuff from room service all the time. Lori, you'll be paying for it right?

Lori: Sure. What else am I going to do with my really hard earned babysitting money?

[Lola looks down sadly.]

Lori: And, the winner of the Little Miss Unsightly Skin Rash Pageant is... Miss Lola Loud! [singing] Oh, Little Miss Unsightly Skin Rash. [Laney applauds; scatting]

[Right then, Lola starts crying, unable to take this anymore.]

Laney: Aww. This must be too much for our little star. She's crying tears of joy!

Lola: No! These are not tears of joy!

Lori: [gasps] Is your condition getting worse?

Lola: No, I don't have a condition, unless you count being a terrible person. I'm not really sick. I faked all this with makeup to get out of the pageant. [sniffling]

Lori: But why? I don't understand.

Lola: [sits on the bed] Well, I've never competed at this level before, and the other girls are really talented. I couldn't stand the idea of lo-lo-lo... [retches]

Laney: Losing?

Lola: Yeah, that thing. I'm sorry I lied. I understand if you're mad.

Lori: [sits next to her] Actually, Lols, we're not.

Lola: Really?

Lori: No, I get it. I almost skipped homecoming because I was worried I wouldn't win queen. [Flashback to Lori that day in her room looking sad in front of her mirror, she then looks at her dress.] But... in the end, I sucked it up, put on my dress, and went anyway. [Grabs her dress. End of flashback.] And I'm so glad I did.

Lola: [Slightly confused] But, I thought Carol Pingrey won homecoming queen?

Lori: Oh, she totally did, [Flashback to Carol receiving her crown, and Lori looking on with disappointment.] and it definitely hurt at first. [Just then, her beloved Bobby-Boo-Boo-Bear offers her his hand.] But, if I hadn't have gone, I would have missed out on an amazing night [Bobby pulls his beloved Babe onto the dance floor and the two have an amazing night. End of flashback.]

Laney: I wish I can say I don't know how you feel. But I do. [Flashback to a younger Laney at an art show] When I was younger, there was a junior art show at the museum. [Young Laney looks at all the talented art pieces and looks at hers with worry] Everyone who was competing had art pieces way more talented then mine. I was too embarassed to even show up! But I went with it anyway, because it was my dream to show my artwork to the world. [Young Laney looks determined and confidently walks toward the competition. Cut to later after the show, two other contestants win first and second place, while Laney was in third] I didn't win... [Everyone began to talk about Laney's painting] But, everyone was so marvelled by my piece... [The people gathered around Laney and talk with her. She was so happy that her painting was getting some attention] I've never been happier. [End flashback] I've never let coming in first bothered me ever since. Because I know it can't stop me from-

Lola: [Finishing Laney's sentence] Doing what makes me happy.

Lori: Exactly! So what do you say? You still wanna do this thing?

Lola: [Remorseful] Yes, but it's too late, the pageant starts in ten minutes and look at me, I'm a complete disaster.

Lori: Don't worry, I'm calling an expert. [Pulls out her phone, and speed dials a boy with white hair.]

Lincoln: Okay Lori, grab a makeup wipe, the one with the green tea extract, we don't need to be irritating the skin right now.

Lori: [Following Lincoln's instructions] One with green tea extract, check.

Lincoln: Laney, start warming up the curling iron.

Laney: [offscreen] Got it! [She does so but Lincoln groans]

Lincoln: The one inch barrel, not the three quarters, have you ever heat styled before, woman?

[That night at the pageant.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Little Miss Southeastern Michigan Pageant. [Starts singing] _Beautiful girls, I'm talking 'bout the beautiful girrrrls._ [Backstage, Lola is quivering with fear.] _Just crazy for the beautiful girrrrrrrrls._

Lori: Go get 'em, Lola.

Lincoln: [Through video chat] Remember; eyes forward, chin up, tushy clenched.

Announcer: Let's meet our contestants Lola hurries onstage to join the others.] Let's hear it for these beautiful girrrrrrls. [The crowd applauds. Later on in the pageant.] Lola Loud and her ribbon dance. [Gives Lola the stage. Lola spins her ribbon and performs like there's nothing to it.]

Lincoln: It's like she's one with the ribbon.

Lori: Literally.

[Later, it's time for the interview.]

Lola: As partial as I an to a sparkly tiara, I'd have to say that a girl's most important accessory is her brain.

[The audience loves Lola.]

Lincoln: Yes.

Lori: So good.

Laney: Eh, I've heard better. [Lori nudges her] Oof! What? Just being honest.

The pageant is almost concluded.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the results are in. Can we please bring out all our beautiful girrrrls? [Said beautiful girls come out on stage, hands in hands, and the audience cheers.] "The second runner up to Little Miss Southeastern Michigan is... Claudette. [Claudette is honored and steps up, the other girls, and Lola, clap for her, and rejoin hands when the announcer continues.] "The first runner up iiiissssssss... Jackie. [Jackie does what Claudette did.]

Lola: [To herself] Oh my gosh, one left, I could win, I could still-

Announcer: And your next Little Miss Southeastern Michigan iiiiiiiissssssssssssssss... [Lola gains confidence] Chinah. [Lola is now disappointed. Chinah goes up and receives her sash.] She's Little Miss Southeastern Michigan.

[Lola is still bummed that she lost, but claps anyway. She then looks over to her chaperone and her coach.]

Lori: Lols, [in union with Lincoln and Laney] You were so great, Lola.

Lincoln: Way to go.

Lola: [Feeling a lot better] Congratulations, Chinah.

[The crowd applauds. The pageant is over, Lola slides to Lori and Laney and gives them a big hug.]

Lori: Aww, you done good out there, sis.

Lincoln: Your best work since last fall's Little Miss Fusion Cuisine Pageant.

Laney: I have a few notes but your ribbon dancing was superb!

Lola: Thanks guys, you were right. Even though I lo-, lo-. [Sighs, knowing she can't say it, and then smiles.] didn't win, [eye twitches] I'm really glad I did it.

Jackie: Nice job, Lola, we're gonna have to watch out for you next year. [Casually leaves]

Lincoln: Speaking of next year, Lola, I think we should add some tumbling moves to your ribbon dance, I'll- [Lori turns her phone, and her brother, off.]

Lori: Goodbye, Lincoln.

Laney: This calls for a celebration. Who's up for choclates and massages!

Lori: We are! Word of advice though, do not ask for Greg.


	112. Sitting Bull

**Sitting Bull**

[Luan & Luna's room. The two sisters are doing their normal things until Lori comes in.]

Lori: Hey, are either of you guys free for a babysitting job tonight? Mrs. McCauley just called and I can't do it, I'm sitting for the Dunscombes.

Luna: Sorry, dude. I got the Katzes tonight. [picks up drum] I'm gonna teach Jaime and Sydney how to do a drum circle.

Luan: I'm sitting for the Santinis. I've got some great comedy props in case little Mary gets a ouchie. [hits herself with her hammer prop which she then faints.]

Leni: [laughs and claps] Thanks, Luan, that makes me feel much better about my ouchie. [shows Leni's feet with a bandage on one of her toes.]

Lori: Hey, Leni, can you sit for the McCauleys tonight?

Leni: Sorry, I can't. I'm sitting for the Lewises. I'm giving Tia and Salome makeovers, they're one and two, it's time.

Lori: Hmm, okay. I guess I'll have to tell the McCauleys no one's free.

Leni: What about Lynn? She's 13, that's when we all started taking babysitting jobs.

Luna: I don't know, dude. She's not exactly the nurturing type.

Luan: And we don't want to blow our reputation as Royal Woods' best babysitters.

Lori: Well, that is true. But you guys, it's only fair that we give Lynn a chance.

[Lynn, in the meantime, is in the backyard, tire swinging like a gorilla. The twins are rolling along in Lola's car, and Lynn hangs upside down in their path, causing them to scream, swerve, and crash.]

Lola: Ow! Watch it you clod.

Lana: Know how long it's gonna take me to bump out this hood?!

Lynn: Sorry guys, apology punches! [Punches the twins]

Lana: Ow!

Lola: Ow!

[Lynn goes back to her swinging. Lily is innocently walking along, not seeing Lynn. Charles sees this, and quickly dives at her and end up in a fight circle which Lily wins. All the while, the older sisters watch all of this, shocked.]

Luan: Still want to give her a chance?

[They then look over to Laney who is reading Squeals a book and then the girls got an idea]

Lori: Laney! Our favorite sister in the world!

Laney: What do you want this time?

Luan: We were just wondering if you were available to help with a babysitting job.

Laney: [gets up from her chair] Babysitting? Me?

Lori: You're literally perfect for it! You know more about babysitting than any of us. You're caring, nuturing...

Luna: That and you're so good at taking care of Lily.

Laney: Well, I am know for my fastest diaper changing record. I'll do it!

Lynn: [hearing this] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't give a babysitting job to Lamey! I'm next in line. [She hops out of the tire swing and lands right next to them.]

Lori: But Lynn, let's face it, you're not exactly the nurturing type.

Lynn: What now? I can nurture all day long. [Right then, Lisa comes out the backyard, carrying a jar of strange liquid.] Kids love me. [notices Lisa's presence and grabs her in a playful noogie.] Right, Lis?

Lisa: [slightly irritated by this] If it'll get you to stop bruising my cranium, I'll gladly respond in the affarmative.

Lynn: [drops Lisa] See? That's a yes. [Lisa notices her experiment is on the loose and chases after it in a panic.]

Laney: Not to take sides here, Lynn. But you don't know exactly what kids like to do.

Lynn: What do you know, Lamey?

Laney: [glares angrily] It's Laney! And I know way more than you!

Lynn: Says the girl who can't even tie her own shoes and has to wear laces!

Laney: [Angry] I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE!

Lynn: Come on you guys, fair is fair. I want some of that sweet babysitting moolah too.

Laney: You wouldn't make a dime without knowing when to tuck them into bed at night!

Lynn: I can do a lot better than you!

Laney: I can do a lot better than you!

Lynn: Oh yeah?

Laney: Yeah!

Lynn: Yeah?

Laney: Yeah!

Lynn: YEAH!?

Laney: YEAH!

[The sisters growl at each other]

Lori: Break it up you two! Clearly there is only one way to settle this!

Lynn: Bingo! Hot sauce eating contest right now!

Lori: No! Not again! I'm saying we'll send both of you to McCauleys to babysit and afterwards we'll see which one of you makes the better babysitter.

Lynn: It is so on!

Laney: You are so going down!

[The two contiue to glare at each other. Cut to later where Laney and Lynn are still glaring at each other at the McCauley residence and their parents drive off.]

Caleb: Uh, excuse me? [The sisters turn around to see the McCauley kids]

Laney: Oh. [clears throat] Hey, kids. So what do you want to do?

Caleb: Play with my science kit!

Camille: Play with my dress-up sticker books.

Laney: Well that sounds-

Lynn: [imitates a buzzer] Lame-o! Come on, I'll show you guys how to have some real fun. [Suddenly, the three are in a makeshift wrestling ring, wearing Lucha Libre masks, the McCauley kids are scared.] Alright, when I blow the whistle, you guys run to the center of the ring, and wrestle. [Blows the whistle, and the kids walk to the center of the ring, and hug.] Guys, Lucha Libre is a contact sport. This time, Caleb, you bounce off the ropes and come back at Camille with an angry possum! Like so.. [Before she did anything else, Laney stopped Lynn]

Laney: What do you think you're doing?

Lynn: Uh, teaching the kids how to Lucha Libre?

Laney: You will do no such thing! These are kids! You just can't teach them how to wresltle and use violence. [Pulls out Caleb's science kit] How about we just play Caleb's science kit instead?

Lynn: [Smacks the kit off Laney] Nope! That's you're problem, Laney. You don't know what children like.

Laney: [angry] I DON'T... [growls] That's it! Let's go! Right now!

Lynn: Bring it, sister! [Laney and Lynn then began to wrestle each other and the kids look at each other in concern]

[Later the kids and Lynn and Laney are in the living room Lynn brings out some condiments and frozen foods from their fridge.]

Lynn: Okay kids, clearly you're too weak to Lucha Libre. So we need to get you into shape. Your parents have a serious lack of exercise equipment, so we'll have to improvise. Camille, let's do some curls with these kosher dills.

Camille: [She tries to do one curl with them, but falls to the floor.] Ow! I heard something pop.

Laney: Oh my gosh! Are you okay!?

Lynn: She's fine. It's totally normal. [Camille whimpers as she tries to limp it off] Kay, Caleb, your turn. Let's see you dead lift this turkey. [She puts the turkey in front of Caleb and he groans.]

Laney: He cannot lift that and you know it!

Lynn: Of course he can! I've lifted thrice my weight when I was his age.

Laney: These kids aren't like you!

Lynn: Stop questioning my methods!

Laney: Only when your 'methods' stop being so questionable!

[The sisters began arguing again. And the McCauley kids knew that they could not get their attention. Minutes later, Lynn and the McCauley kids enter the kitchen, Caleb now having his back sore.]

Lynn: Important lesson for you guys, after a good workout, you always want to replenish those proteins.

Laney: Finally, something sensible [opens the fridge and pulls out a carton of eggs.] Now, who wants eggs?

Caleb: Ooh, eggs. May I have please have scrambled?

Camille: I like mine hard boiled.

Lynn: [imitates the buzzer again] Cooking takes too long, your body needs that protein now! [She cracks two eggs each for two cups then gives them to the McCauley kids. Caleb starts to whine.]

Laney: Are you out of your mind!? They can't eat raw eggs! They need to cook! [Laney pours the yolks into the frying pan]

Lynn: No! They need to eat them raw! [Pours the yolks back into the cups]

Laney: Cooked!

Lynn: Raw!

Laney: Cooked!

Lynn: Raw! [Lynn throws an egg at Laney]

Laney: Oh it is on! [Lynn and Laney then started to throw eggs at each other and the McCauley kids look at each other in sadness]

Caleb: Can we please go to bed now?

Lynn: Ugh, okay, fine. [Later, the McCauley kids are in bed and Lynn is telling them a story.] So I'm almost to the top of the climbing wall when I beef my foothold, lose my grip, and plummet twenty feet to the ground, bam! Broke my tibia so bad, you can see the bone sticking out through the skin. [Hearing that makes Caleb actually throw up]

Laney: What are you doing?

Lynn: I'm telling them a story.

Laney: About your injuries? You can't do that!

Lynn: You know what, Lamey? I am sick and tired of you always critisizing me!

Laney: And I'm tired of you trying to scar the kids for life!

Lynn: My injuries are very informational!

[Lynn and Laney once again began to argue and the McCauley's looked on sadly one last time]

[Back at the Loud House, the older sisters are on the couch when Lynn enters through the front door.]

Lynn: What up, fellow babysitters!

Lori: Hey, how did it go?

Lynn: Oh, great, I hit it it out of the park. Better than how Laney handled it.

Laney: Uh, I did way better than you! [To her older sisters] She had them drink raw eggs!

Lynn: She wanted to play with a science kit!

Laney: At least it was less painful then when you wanted to teach them Lucha Libre!

[Lynn and Laney started arguing again as the the older sisters left. Just then the phone started ringing and Lori answers it]

Lori: Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. McCauley. What? She did? They did? Eggs everywhere? But, but- Okay, goodnight. [hangs up]

Leni: [She and the others walk over.] What happened?

Lori: Both Lynn and Laney completely negelcted the McCauley kids because they were too busy arguing! Lynn completely terrorized them and Laney was too busy competing with Lynn to even to take care of them. So now we're all fired as their babysitters.

Leni: [in union] What?

Luan: [in union] No way!

Luna: [in union] Bogus!

Lori: I think we need to have a little talk with them.

[In Lynn and Lucy's room, the older sisters talk to Lynn and Laney about what actually happened.]

Laney: That's what happened? Oh man! I'm so sorry got you all fired!

Lynn: I don't get it. I thought we had an awesome night.

Luan: Lynn, you made a five-year-old hang upside down and do crunches.

Lynn: Yeah, and his abs will thank me.

Lori: We're sorry, but you can't be in the babysitting group anymore.

Lynn: [now upset] What? Come on! It's not my fault those kids didn't know how to have fun! Give me a decent family and I'll show you I can crush it!

Lori: Sorry, but we just can't afford to lose any more clients.

Laney: What about me? Maybe you can consider giving me another chance?

Lori: Laney, you were literally too busy arguing with Lynn to actually do any babysitting. I'm sorry but both of you are not capable to do the job.

Lincoln: [pops in] You know, I'm available for babysitting.

Lynn: Get out of here, Stinkin'! [throws her football at him and he falls to the floor.]

Laney: You can't just do that!

Lynn: You stay out of this, Lamey!

Laney: [angry] IT'S LANEY!

Lori: This is literally what we're talking about. [She and the others leave the room.]

Laney: [realizing her folly and sighs] What am I doing? I was so busy trying to compete with you that I totally forgot what's really important. Taking care of the kids.

Lynn: [flops onto her bed and growls in frustration] Just so we're clear I can do so much better than you.

Laney: Lynn! I'm serious! If we're gonna fix this we need to start working together. Even if we have different approaches on babysitting.

Lynn: Hmmm. [Gets an idea] You know what, Laney? You're absolutely right.

Laney: Wait. You're agreeing with me? Who are you and what have done with Lynn?

Lynn: I'm serious, Laney. We need to work together to show our sisters that we need this job. [to herself] Me more than you... [To Laney] So I have an idea that will set everything right... [Whispers the plan into Laney's ear]

Laney: What? We can't do that!

Lynn: Relax, Laney. Besides those guys needed the break. We can handle this. Look at it this way, we both want to prove to them we're certifed to be babysitters. Now remember, the next time that phone rings...

[The next day, all the Loud siblings are watching TV on the couch, except Lori, who is on her phone, and Lucy, who is reading a book. Just then, the house phone rings.]

Lynn: I got it! [answers it] Loud residence, Lynn Jr. speaking. [She hears someone on the other end and sneaks off into the dining room, makes sure the others are still distracted, then responds.] Oh, hi, Mr. Dunscombe. Sure, let me ask Lori if she's free on Friday. [walks over to another spot then speaks in a muffled tone, then goes back to the other spot.] Sorry, Lori's not available, but I'd be happy to babysit. [She hangs up and takes her seat back on the couch.]

Lori: [concerned] Who was that?

Lynn: A ding-dang telemarketer. I told him to buzz off.

[The house phone rings again. Lynn nudges Laney]

Laney: Oh! Uh.. I can go get it... [Walks up to the phone, feeling uneasy. Answers the phone] Um, hello? [indistinct chatter is heard] Mrs. Lewis? [More indistinct chatter] Uh, let me check... [Laney looked over the living room and Lynn gave her a thumbs up. Laney gulps nervously] Uh, no. Leni's not available this Saturday, but I'll be able to fill in for her no problem... [Hangs up and goes back into the living room]

Leni: Who was that, Laney?

Laney: Oh! Uh, that was Karla. She was calling to ask If I could come over to her house this weekend to binge watch the new season of Weirder Stuff. [Smiles nervously]

Leni: Oooh! I've heard the new season's gonna answer a lot of questions from season one!

Laney: Now, now. No spoilers... [Lynn winks and gives Laney a thumbs up and Laney looks at her nervously]

 **A FEW DAYS LATER...**

[The older sisters are in the kitchen. Leni and Luna are having coffee, and Luan is having a bowl of cereal.]

Lori: So, you guys didn't have any babysitting jobs this weekend either?

Luan: Nope. Didn't get a single call.

Luna: [in union] Deadsville.

Leni: [in union] Me neither.

Lori: Weird. Maybe we should check in with our clients.

[The four girls are now in different locations of the house, on their cell phones.]

Leni: Hi, Mrs. Lewis.

Luan: Hi, Mr. Santini.

Luna: Hey, Mr. Katz.

Lori: Hi, Mrs. Dunscomb.

[They all hear what their clients have to say.]

Lori, Leni, Luna, and Luan: They did what!?

[Laney was reading her book in her room when her older sisters appeared]

Lori: Laney. Is there something you'd like to tell us?

Laney: What do you mean?

Luna: We mean why are you and Lynn-Sanity stealing all of our babysitting gigs!

Laney: Oh, that...

Lori: Thanks to you two, we lost four more clients.

Luan: Lynn we understand but how did you lose the other two?

Laney: The guilt was eating me up inside. [Flashback to Laney babysitting for the Lewis', she was too frozen up to do anything. One of the Lewis kids came up to her and tried to get her attention] I was too guilty to do anything. I choked! [End flashback; Laney was on the floor begging her sisters for forgiveness] Oh please! I'm so sorry! I will never take babysitting jobs ever again!

Lori: Calm down, Laney. It's not your fault. It's Lynn's!

Laney: What are you going to do to her? Fire her?

Lori: That's for us to decide. We'll talk about your situation later. [The sisters leave her room]

[The older sisters are back in the kitchen]

Luna: Lanes' got a point, dudes. What are we going to do 'bout Lynn? We know she ain't gonna listen to what we have to say. You know how she is.

Luan: [Thinking of something] What if we can get her to want to quit babysitting?

Leni: How would we do that?

Luan: Easy, get her to sit for the worst kids in Royal Woods.

[They all get closer together, knowing who that is.]

Lori, Leni, Luna, and Luan: The Fox quintuplets!

Lori: Ugh, they were literally a nightmare. [Flashback to them throwing stuff at her while she was hiding behind the couch.]

Leni: [Flashback to them locking her out in the rain.] So mean.

Luan: [Flashback to them throwing a bucket of water on her while she was sleeping.] Little monsters.

Luna: [Flashback to them flushing stuff down the toilet.] Bad to the bone.

Luan: So, it's a plan?

Lori, Leni, and Luna: It's a plan.

[Meanwhile, outside the backyard, Lynn is throwing some pitchers at her goalie net when the older sisters approach her.]

Lori: Hey, Lynn, can we talk to you?

Lynn: [knowing where this is going] Okay, I know what you guys are going to say but before you get mad, let me explain-

Luan: Oh, we're not mad.

Luna: We get it, dude, you were just trying to prove you can handle babysitting.

Leni: And guess what? You proved it.

Lynn: Really? So, your clients liked me?

Lori: Literally loved.

Lynn: Yes! I knew it. I told you guys! So, you're taking me off the bench?

Lori: Yep. In fact, we already have a new client lined up for you.

Lynn: Sweet, who is it?

[Later, Laney was in the livng room watching tv with her pig Squeals, when Lynn interrupted]

Lynn: BOOM! I'm back in the game, baby! I got a gig! In you're face, Lamey!

Laney: First, stop calling me 'Lamey'. And two, really? They're really giving you another job after what you did?

Lynn: Yeah! Lori said all the clients loved me! So they gave my own babysitting job! I guess I do make the better sitter after all!

Laney: Well, congratulations Lynn. So who is it?

Lynn: I'm babysitting for Mr. and Mrs. Fox. Welp, I gotta get going! [leaves] See ya, Lamey!

Laney: Stop calling me that! [sighs] Well, at least it's nice to know that Lynn finally gotten a chance to- [Realizing who Lynn was babysitting for] MR. AND MRS. FOX!? That means she's babysitting the Fox Quintuplets! The meanest, craziest, baddest, straight up most horrible children on earth! [Squeals squealed in terror] Oh man! What was Lori thinking! There's no way Lynn can babysit those monsters! Not with her expetise!

[Meanwhile, Lynn was at the Fox residence and the parents drive off.]

Lynn: Later, Mr. and Mrs. Fox! [closes the door] So, gang, what should we do tonight?

[Lynn is then shocked by what she sees; The one in green is finger painting on the wall, the one in blue is squirting ketchup and mustard into a table fan, the one in red is bow and arrowing the goldfish, and the one in white has an angry raccoon. She is shocked, she looks over and sees Pam standing next to her, Pam is looking at Lynn, and holding a hose. Pam sprays her right into the door, and all the quints surround Lynn and laugh menacingly, Lynn gets a nervous look. Back at the Loud House, Laney and Squeals were trembling in fear thinking about what Lynn was going through]

Laney: I gotta do something Squeals! Those kids are gonna eat them alive! [Laney dashes off to save Lynn but she stopped when Squeals oinked at her] What's that, Squeals.

Squeals: [Oinks]

Laney: Good point! I'll need protection. I'm not going in there unarmed. [Cut to Laney in her putting on an armoured knight costume from her chest, a super hero utility belt and holds a plunger in her hand]

[Later the older sisters were in the living room when they saw Laney coming down with her armour]

Luna: Uh, what's with the duds Laney?

Laney: I'm gonna go save Lynn from the Fox Quintuplets!

Lori: Laney, relax. Besides, she deserves this after she costed us more clients. If she kept this up, we would literally lose our jobs!

Laney: But assigning Lynn to the most terrible kids on earth? No one deserves this! You gusy know what their like.

Luan: Exactly, that's why we gave Lynn the job.

Leni: Yeah, I bet by now those little monsters have trapped her in the crawl space like they did to me.

[The older sisters laugh while Laney is terrifiedby the thought]

Lori: Or, rolled her up in a rug and pushed her down the stairs like they did to me. [They laugh again, only a little more dwindled.]

Luna: Or, thrown a skunk in the bathroom while she was doing her business.

[The others are just aghast at this, they all then start to look guilty.]

Luan: Well, Lynn had it coming.

Lori: Literally.

Laney: Really? I mean, sure she has no idea how to handle kids but that is no reason to punish her like this.

[A few seconds of silence.]

Leni: [giving in] Guys, I'm trying to be a team player here, but I'm starting to feel bad.

Luna: No, dude, I get it. I am too.

Lori: Me too. Lynn's only 13, and who knows what kind of horrible mess she's in right now.

Luan: And all she wanted was to be a part of our babysitting group.

Laney: I can get where she's coming from. She was really determined to be a good sitter just like you guys. Just like I was when you guys thought I could do it.

Leni: Yeah.

Lori: [immediately gets up] We have to go help her!

Luna: [gets up as well] Agreed. But first, Laney, you think you can score us some protective gear? [Laney grabs a rack of armour costumes] What size?

[The five girls approach the Fox residence, with their gear, and knock.]

Lynn: [Answers the door, unharmed] Hey guys, what's up?

[The five roll into the house, commando style, and get ready for a fight, much to Lynn's confusion. The four are then surprised by what they see; the Fox quintuplets are all sitting around reading.]

Laney: Uh, I think we got the wrong house.

Luna: Yeah. I thought you were babysitting the Fox quintuplets. Who are those guys?

Lynn: Those are the Fox quints, duh.

Laney: Aroo?

Luan: Wait, how did you get them to behave?

Lynn: It was a cinch. [Flashback to dinner, the quints are having a food fight while Lynn looks on with a displeased look.] First, I showed them that if they want to get crazy, I can get ten times crazier. [Lynn gets up, lets out a yell, and throws the entire dinner aside, leaving the quints shocked. Another flashback shows the quints playing tug-o-war.] Next, I wore them out with athletic competition. [Another flashback to Pam cleaning up her toys and Lynn giving her a thumbs up.] And lastly, three words, [She grabs Pam and gives her a horsey ride.] horsey, reward system. [Flashback ends]

Laney: I can't believe it! You did the impossible! You tamed the Fox Quintuplets. You really are the better babysitter.

Lynn: Told ya!

Lori: Well, anyway, I guess we should get going.

[They all start to leave, but Lynn stops them.]

Lynn: [Suspicious] Wait a minute, what's going on? Why'd you even come here in the first place?

Luna: Nothing, dude, we were just in the neighborhood.

Laney: Doing some... cosplay?

Leni: We were? I thought we came here because we felt bad about trying to get Lynn to quit babysitting.

Luan: [laughs] That's funny, Leni, but jokes are my territory. Come on, let's go.

Lynn: You wanted me to quit babysitting, why?! You said your clients loved me!

Lori: Well, they didn't. You actually terrified their kids, but now I think I know why, they just weren't the right kind of kids for you, these guys are. None of us could handle them, but clearly you're doing great.

Luna: We're sorry for trying to mess with you.

Lynn: [rubs her arm] Well, that's cool. I guess it wasn't so great that we stole your clients. And I'm sorry I got you involved in this, Laney.

Laney: And I'm sorry I was so cross with you about you not knowing how to take care of kids.

Lynn: Me too. Apology punches! [punches her sisters]

Luna: Dude!

Leni: Ow!

Luan: Ow!

Lori: Ow!

Laney: Ow!

Pam: [She and her brothers head upstairs.] Coach Lynn, we're ready for bed!

Lynn: Well, duty calls. I'm glad we're good, I'll see you guys at home. [heads upstairs and the four girls leave.] Who wants to hear about the time I broke my tibia?!

Fox Quints: I do, I do!

Laney: Wow, they really are perfect for her.

[The next day at home, the four sisters are in the living room. Lori is texting on her phone, Luan is reading a book, Luna is strumming her guitar, Leni is filing her nails and Laney was playing with Squeals. Lynn shows up with her duffel bag.]

Lynn: Off your butts, ladies. You've all got babysitting jobs tonight.

Luan: What are you talking about?

Lynn: I got your old clients back. It took a lot of begging and pleading, and the apology punches didn't help, but I was able to convince them.

Luna: Mighty dece' of you, sis.

Lynn: Well, see you later, I'm sitting for the quints. Now that Mr. and Mrs. Fox have found someone who can handle their kids, they're going out, like, every night. Yo, Lanes. You wanna come with? We can share the load.

Laney: Thanks, but no thanks Lynn. I had enough babysitting for one day.

Lynn: Your loss. [She leaves the house]

[That night at the Fox's, Lynn and the quints are Lucha Libre wrestling, Lynn blows her whistle, and the quints are loving it.]

Stevie: [As Lynn has him over her head.] Best babysitter ever!

[Lynn laughs]


	113. The Waiting Game

**The Waiting Game**

It was just another day in Royal Woods Elementary, Laney was walking over to the cafeteria and noticed that everybody we looking excited for something.

[Laney walks over to Lincoln and Clyde who looked most excited]

Laney: Hey, Lincoln. Any idea why is everybody acting all excited?

Lincoln: Today's the day that our classmate Chandler is handing out invites to his birthday party. It's at the sewage treatment plant where his dad works!

Laney: A birthday party at a sewage treatment factory?

Lincoln: I know! It's gonna be epic!

Clyde: I hear the facilities can process five hundred metric tons of human waste a day!

Lincoln: I hear they have a secret room for the mutant animals they find in the sewers!

Clyde: I hear, if you take off your mask in there, the stink will burn off your nose hairs!

Lincoln: I really hope we get invited!

Laney: Not to crush on your dreams, Lincoln. But don't you think that might be a bit I don't know... hazardous for your health!?

Clyde: It'll be fine, Laney. Chandler's dad will be handing out hazmat suits.

Laney: Oh, well. That's alright. But I still think that a sewage treatment plant is a lousy place to have a party.

[The lights suddenly turn off, and a kid plays music while many kids cheer.]

Clyde: It's happening! [He and Lincoln hold hands, then a bunch of sweat from Clyde's hand appears.] Oh, ha ha, sorry, sweaty palms.

[The doors open, and Chandler walks in. The students gasp upon his entrance.]

Chandler: Put on your galoshes, people... [busts out galoshes and tosses them in the air.] ...'cuz it's time to party!

[One of the students grabs a galosh as the others look on in awe. Chandler holds out a plunger and passes the invites out with it.]

Chandler: Darren! Miguel! Mollie! Girl Jordan! Boy Jordan! Kyle! Kat! [Goes over to Laney] Oh, hello there. Haven't seen you around before. [Chandler holds Laney's hand and Laney pulls it back, feeling uncomfortable]

Laney: [Uncomfortable] I'm Laney. Thanks for noticing.

Chandler: You know, I'm having a birthday party in a couple of days. [Hands her an invitation] You wanna come?

Laney: [Declines the invitation] No thank you. I don't know about you but I don't want to be partying in raw sewage.

Chandler: Suit yourself. [Takes the invitation back] But, feel free to call me. [Clicks]

Laney: [disgusted] Ugh. Creep.

Chandler: Okay. And the last two invites go to... [plunges them and walks over to Lincoln and Clyde as they eagerly squeal but then walks away from them.] ...Joy and Jen!

[Lincoln and Clyde are devastated as the birthday boy leaves and the kid playing the music turns it off and the lights come back on.]

Lincoln: [crushed] We can probably stop holding hands now.

[At Gus's Games & Grub, Lincoln and Clyde are playing video games with not being invited still on their minds.]

Lincoln: "I don't get it. How could Chandler not invite us? I loaned him a pencil in math class and held the bathroom door open for him!"

Clyde: And I made eye contact with him everyday! Like this. [takes off his glasses revealing his astigmatic eyes.] Who wouldn't want this face at a party?

[Enter Lori wearing an employee outfit.]

Lori: Hi, Lincoln.

Clyde: L-L-L-Lori? [gets a nosebleed and faints]

Lincoln: [downtrodden] Hey, Lori.

Lori: Thanks for telling me about the job opening here. Guess what? I literally got hired! Now I can buy a new dress for the big dance this Friday! The theme is "Romance Under the Sea", and Bobby and I are the Sea King and Queen. It's gonna be the greatest night ever!

Lori's Boss: [off-screen] Loud! Back to work! If you got time to lean, you got time to clean!

Lori: [rushes over] Coming! [goes back to Lincoln] Oh, I almost forgot. Employees get free tokens every shift. You guys can have mine. [gives Lincoln her tokens and leaves as Clyde comes to.]

Lincoln: [more optimistic] Thanks! Clyde, check it out! Free tokens from Lori!

Clyde: L-L-L-Lori? [faints again]

Dance Machine: SWEET MOVE. FIFTY POINTS.

 **YOU GOT THE GOODS**

[Later, Lincoln is playing a shoot 'em up and Clyde is playing Skeeball and sinks a ball in one of the point holes.]

Clyde: Woo-hoo!

Lincoln: Wow! Way to go, Clyde!

Clyde: I'm saving my tickets to buy Lori that bobblehead pig. [points to the indicated prize which looks less than appealing while horror sting music plays.] Ooh, I hope she doesn't already have one!

Lincoln: [concerned] Are you going to be okay with Lori working here?

Clyde: As long as I don't see her, hear her, or smell her, sure.

Lori: Here you go. Free pizza and root beers. [serves them] Just my way of saying thanks for helping me get this job.

[As she walks off, Lincoln notices Clyde has a basket on his head, mustard and ketchup bottles against his ears, and breadsticks up his nose and chanting "La-la" to block out her voice. Just then, Chandler walks up to their table.]

Chandler: Hey, Larry.

Lincoln: [bitterly] It's Lincoln. The guy who held the bathroom door for you?

Chandler: Hmm...I don't remember that. Hey, did I just see you get free pizza?

Lincoln: Yeah, my sister works here.

Chandler: Man, that must be nice.

[Just then, Lincoln gets an idea and gives Chandler Clyde's slice of pizza.]

Lincoln: Here, why don't you take it?

Chandler: Really? Thanks. [takes it and walks off.]

Clyde: Hey! Lori gave me that pizza! I was going to put it in my scrapbook!

Lincoln: Clyde, if we give Chandler all our freebies from Lori, he might invite us to his sewage party after all.

Clyde: Brilliant! Man with the plan.

Lincoln: You got that right! [bites into a breadstick, and then realizes...] This was up your nose, wasn't it?

[Clyde unfortunately nods. Chandler is playing Rip Ride and loses.]

 **ILLEGAL LEFT TURN!**

 **RIP RIDE**

 **リップライド**

 **GAME OVER**

Rip Ride Machine: GAME OVER. INSERT ONE TOKEN TO CONTINUE PLAYING.

[Chandler checks his pockets only to find he has no tokens left.]

Lincoln: Hey, Chandler. Need some tokens? [offers him some]

Chandler: Sweet. Thanks, Larry. [takes them]

Lincoln: I'll grab us some free drinks. [goes to the counter to get some from Lori.]

Lori: Here you go. Anything for the brother who helped me get this job.

[The boys raise a toast with their drinks.]

Lincoln, Clyde, and Chandler: CHEERS! [sip]

Chandler: Hey, you guys are alright. You know, I'm having a birthday party this Friday...

[Lincoln and Clyde do a spit take.]

Lincoln: [feigning unawareness] It's your birthday? I had no idea.

Clyde: [feigning as well] Me neither. I didn't know you were having a party at the sewage treatment plant- [realizes what he just said] -I mean, wherever your dad works, I mean-

Lincoln: [shutting Clyde up] Uh, Clyde, why don't we let Chandler finish what he was saying?

Chandler: Yeah. So, my party. I was hoping that Laney girl would come but she declined my offer.

Lincoln: Wait, Laney? That's my other sister.

Chandler: She is? Dude, you've got to score me a date with her!

Lincoln: If I do will you let us in your party?

Chandler: Sure.

Lincoln: Yeah. Cool. Whatev.

[The moment he leaves, the boys squeal and start dancing and singing.]

Lincoln and Clyde: We're goin' to the partay! We're goin' to the partay!

[However, they notice Chandler's still watching them and go back to laying back. Cut to later in Laney's room]

Laney: You want me to do WHAT!?

Lincoln: It's just for this one time, Laney! He said he'll let me and Clyde come to his party!

Laney: Forget it! I am not dating that creep just so you can party in raw sewage!

Lincoln: Well, Laney. Will you do it just to help your big brother? [Widens his eyes, Laney groans]

Laney: Fine. But just this once!

Lincoln: Yes! [Frantically shakes Laney's hands] Thank you thank you thank you thank you! Chandler will be at Gus' Game n Grub tomorrow after school! [dashes off] See you there!

Laney: [Sighs] Something tells me I'm gonna regret this...

[The next day, the boys are awaiting anxiously for Chandler to show up with their invites while Laney sat by a table]

Lincoln: Here he comes. Play it cool.

Clyde: Cool is my middle name. [grabs a glass of water only for it to slip and splash him due to his sweaty palms.]

Lincoln: Chandler, buddy! How's it go-

Chandler: Laney! [sits down at her table] I thought you weren't gonna make it!

Laney: [Mutters to herself] Same to you...

Lincoln: Uh, Chandler. About those invitations?

Chandler: Huh? Oh, yeah sure. Hey, you got anymore free tokens?

Lincoln: [confused] What? [coolly] Oh, yeah. Sure. [gives him some more]

Chandler: Thanks. [takes the tokens and walks away.] I'll see you later, Lanes. [Laney shudders]

Clyde: Where are the invitations?

Lincoln: He probably just forgot. He's got a lot on his mind planning that big sewage party and all.

Laney: [mutters to herself] I'll be surprised if there's anything in his mind...

Chandler: Hey, guys. I almost forgot... [they smile hopefully for what they think is the moment of truth.] ...to ask for four root beers. Can you get us some from your sister? [heads off]

Clyde: What's with this guy?

Lincoln: Be patient, Clyde. I'm sure we're gonna get our invitations. [goes up to the counter to ask Lori who is cleaning it.] Hey, Lori, can you spare some root beers for my friends?

Lori: Sorry, Lincoln. I gotta cool it on the free stuff. I don't wanna get in trouble with my boss.

Lincoln: [playing the guilt card] I get it. I know how your boss is. I remember how tough he was when I talked to him about hiring you.

[He smiles toward her as she frowns at this. Meanwhile Chandler tries to flirt with Laney]

Chandler: So like, what are your hobbies?

Laney: Well, I like to pai-

Chandler: [Not listening to Laney] Yeah, that's cool. Me? I like to skateboard. I got some swewt high scores at Half-Pipe Havoc. Wanna hear about it? [Laney groans annoyed]

[Lincoln is now now hands Chandler and his posse the root beers.]

Lincoln: Sorry it took so long. The soda machine exploded. Heh. Almost looks like a sewer backed up in there.

Chandler: [not caring] Hm. Yeah. Sad story, Larry. [as they took their root beers and go elsewhere.] Hey, I almost forgot. [Lincoln smiles hopefully] We'd love a pizza. Half pepperoni, half meatball... [To Laney] You want anything, babe?

Laney: Ugh, no thanks. I just lost my appetite...

Chandler: [shrugs] Hm. Anyway. Thanks, dude!

Lincoln: [exasperated] Sure, dude. Not a problem.

[Cut to Lincoln asking Lori the pizza order]

Lori: Yeah, that's a problem. Root beers are one thing, but a pizza is too much.

Lincoln: [falsely sympathetic] I know. I'm sorry. I mean, if anyone knows how hard it is to get you a job, it's me.

Lori: Are we really doing this?

Lincoln: [pretending with a cute smile] Doing what?

[Laney looks on at Lincoln and worries about him]

Chandler: What's the matter, Laney? Hungry?

Laney: I'm just worried about my brother. Don't you think you might be using him?

Chandler: Nah, he's fine. He's just doing favors for us. Your brother is a really generous kid.

Laney: [sighs] He sure is...

Lincoln: [returns to Chandler with the pizza.] Here's your pizza, guys. Hey, Chandler, may I invite you to have a slice?

Chandler: Thanks, dude. [eats pizza]

Lincoln: Aren't you forgetting something?

Chandler: Some pepper flakes would be great.

[Lincoln frowns, sighs, and walks over to Clyde.]

Clyde: All my clever hints and NOTHING! Maybe we should just ask him for the invitations.

Lincoln: Clyde, if we're too pushy, he might uninvite us. Let's just keep playing it cool.

Clyde: You're right, Larry. Ah! Now he's got me doing it.

[Meanwhile, Laney was getting exasperated from seeing Chandler playing video games]

Chandler: Check this out, Babe. I'm about to do a sweet triple flip! [He wins and he only gets to tickets] Two tickets? Oh, man. I really wanted that ukulele, but it costs 500. Guys, gimme yours.

[Chandler's friends reluctantly hand him their tickets]

Laney: Hey! You can't just take these guys tickets!

Chandler: Relax, Laney. They're cool with it. [Laney looks at Chandler's posse and the look unhappy. Laney scowls at Chandler as he counts his tickets and sees it's still not enough for a ukelele] Dang it! Still not enough!

[Lincoln looks over to Clyde who's carefully counting his own tickets.]

Clyde: 498...499...

Lincoln: Clyde, give Chandler your tickets.

Clyde: WHAT?! No way! I almost have enough for Lori's bobblehead pig. A courting man must come bearing gifts, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Focus on the invitations. We're so close, I can feel it.

Clyde: [sighs and reluctantly offers his tickets] Here, Chandler. You can have my tickets.

Chandler: Sweet! [takes the tickets and goes to cash them in and stops.] Guys, I can't believe I forgot! [the boys put on their hopeful faces] I promised to bring home some garlic knots. [Laney growls at Chandler]

Laney: [Fed up] That's it! I can't take it anymore! That kid is just so selfish and rude and totally annoying! I'm gonna- [Lincoln stops her]

Lincoln: Cool your jets, Laney! Just hold it a little longer. He's gonna give us those invitations.

Laney: Don't you get it!? He's never gonna give you those invitations because he's been using you guys!

Clyde: What are you talking about? We've just been doing some favors for him.

Laney: No you are not! You are his chore boys! He's nothing but a jerk who only cares about himself!

Lincoln: [sighs] Alright, we get it. You hate Chandler. I can respect that. But, trust me, he'll keep his promise. Now, if you excuse me. I gotta go get some garlic knots. [Goes to Lori]

Lori: [defiantly] No more, Lincoln. And don't give me that "you got me this job" baloney. It's not gonna work.

Lincoln: [pleadingly] Lori, please! I promise, this is the last time! Clyde and I really wanna go to this kid's party, and if we don't give him everything he wants, we could lose our invitations, which, technically, we don't even have yet.

Lori: Lincoln, you're literally babbling.

Lori's Boss: [off-screen] Loud! Get back to work!

[Lori looks on scornfully at a desperate teary-eyed Lincoln, groans, and brings up the garlic knots.]

Lori: Fine. Now leave me alone.

[Lincoln hands Chandler the garlic knots.]

Chandler: You rock, Loud. Later! [takes the garlic knots and stops before heading out the door.] Oh, one more thing.

[Lincoln and Clyde frown, believing he's gonna mean something other than the invitations.]

Lincoln: [unconvinced] Right. The marinara dipping sauce.

Chandler: No, these. [tosses them their invitations]

Lincoln & Clyde: [elated] YES! [grab them]

Chandler: Remember, it's my birthday, so you should bring presents.

[As soon as he walks off, they squeal and sing and dance again.]

Lincoln & Clyde: We're gonna party with sewage! We're gonna party with sewage!

[They realize Chandler's watching them again and resume their cool poses like before.]

Chandler: Can't wait to see you too, Laney.

Laney: What are you talking about?

Chandler: I'm talking about you being my plus one! [Holds Laney's hand] We're gonna be the talk of the party. I can picture it now... [As Chandler continues Laney starts to heat up with rage] Chandler x Laney... Hottest couple in Royal Woods Elementary... [Laney pulls back her hand in anger]

Laney: [Furious] THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT!

Chandler: What's wrong, Laney?

Laney: [Angry] You're what's wrong! This whole time, you've been a complete selfish jerk! You've taken advantage of my brother who led to take advantage of my older sister! You've completely ignored what I had to say! You have been thinking about only yourself and your stupid party! Why would people even party in a place full of raw sewage?! It's disgusting! And another thing my brother's name is Lincoln! Not Larry!

Chandler: [Shocked by Laney's words] Uhh... does this mean you won't give me a present? [Laney hits Chandler in the face with a pizza]

Laney: I'm going home... [Storms off]

[The pizza slumps off Chandler's face. Friday night, Laney was in her room still angry at Chandler.]

Laney: I knew I was going to regret this... [Just then, Lincoln walked by wearing a tuxedo and galoshes and notices Laney]

Lincoln: Hey, Laney. [Laney said nothing to Lincoln] Uh, are you okay?

Laney: How can I be okay? After the way Chandler treated me?

Lincoln: [sighs] Sorry, you had go through that Laney. But look at the bright side: now that I got invited to his party, you don't have to go on a date with him anymore.

Laney: [sighs] Just leave me alone...

Lincoln: Okay... [As he heads out, he drops by Lori and Leni's room to check on his sister.]

Lincoln: Hey, ready for your dance? [notices something] You're not wearing that, are you?

[Lori is actually in her employee uniform and her dance dress is hung up on the door.]

Lori: I'm not going to the dance. My boss is making me work tonight to pay for all the free stuff I gave you. Instead of Romance Under the Sea, I'm gonna have mozzarella under the fingernails. Thanks a lot, Lincoln. [leaves for her overtime shift]

[Lincoln looks on at her position with concern. Clyde arrives in a hazmat and knocks on the door. The door opens to reveal Lori. When he sees her, he gasps, puts on his helmet, and chants "La-la" again.]

Clyde: [takes the helmet off] Phew. That was a close one.

Lincoln: Clyde? What are you wearing?

Clyde: This is the only way my dads would let me visit a place where I might get splashed with raw sewage. Speaking of which, are you ready to make this the greatest night ever?

Lincoln: [noticing Lori drive off to work.] Yes...I am.

[Later, Laney was reading a book in the living room. Just then, Lori comes down the stairs wearing her sea queen dress]

Laney: Lori? You're wearing your dress to work?

Lori: I'm not going to work, Laney. I'm going to the dance!

Laney: The dance? I thought you were gonna work off all the free stuff Lincoln got.

Lori: About that, Lincoln said he's convinced the manager to cover my shift for me! I'm gonna go drop him off. Bye! [Leaves]

Laney: [Thoughts] _Wow, Lincoln's really doing this? Maybe he's learned his lesson. Hm. Guess he cares about her sisters more than some silly party. I'm proud of him. Still, I feel kinda bad for Lincoln missing out on a party. Even if it is at a sewage treatment plant. But at the same time I'm not happy at Chandler taking advantage of my brother and trying to make moves on me. I guess this is one time I can't help him. He's already solved his own problem. I'm proud of him._

[Gus's Games & Grub]

Lori's Boss: Loud, get to work! If you have time to lean, you have time to clean!

[Instead of Lori, it's Lincoln working the shift.]

Lincoln: I'm on it!

[As he starts cleaning the tables, Lori arrives in her sea queen dress, sparkling with radiant beauty.]

Lincoln: [frightened] GYAH! SEA MONSTER! [realizes] I mean, you look great, Lori.

Lori: [excited] I know, right? Hey, little bro, thanks for convincing the manager to let you fill in for me.

Lincoln: Heh. It's the least I could do. I mean, this dance is why you got this job in the first place.

Lori: I'm sorry you won't get to go to your friend's party.

Lincoln: That's okay. He's not really my friend. Laney was right. He was just using me, the way I was using you. Have an awesome time tonight.

[They hug]

Lori: Thanks, Lincoln.

[A loud crash is heard outside.]

Lincoln and Lori: [at the same time; Lincoln concerned and Lori jubilant.] Bobby's here.

[Sometime later, Clyde drops in on Lincoln's shift.]

Clyde: Hey, Linc!

Lincoln: Clyde? What are you doing here?

Clyde: I couldn't go to that party without you, Lincoln. Besides, the hazmat suit was giving me a heat rash.

Lincoln: I guess we'll never get to experience the wonders of raw sewage.

Clyde: Or have our nose hairs burned off by the stench.

Lori's Boss: [off-screen] Hey, Loud! Grab a mop! The toilet in stall three is overflowing. It's a real stinkfest in there.

[The boys have an idea]

Lincoln: Put on your galoshes, Clyde, 'cuz it's time to party!

Lincoln and Clyde: YEAH! [tango into the restroom]

[The shot changes to outside the arcade while the stinkfest can only be described.]

Lincoln: Whoa! This is better than the sewage treatment plant!

Clyde: It's burning my nose hairs!


	114. Middle Men

**Middle Men**

[The episode starts off at the Loud House.]

Lynn: Huh, ahh! [She kicks open the door and sniffs something.] Do I smell cookies?

Lola: [Brushing her doll's hair] Yeah, but don't waste your time, they're 'not for family'.

Lynn: [walks over to the kitchen where Lincoln, Laney, and Clyde are making cookies.] Hey, Stinkin', think fast!

[The three dodge the basketball while Lynn grabs a cookie when they were not looking. Then, the ball bounces off the fridge and aims at Lincoln, Laney, at Clyde as they dodge again.]

Lincoln: Lynn!

Clyde: That's okay, we needed a taste tester. I'm worried the bottoms are soggy.

Lynn: Nope, nice crunch. What are they for?

Laney: Me and the boys have been assigned for middle school orientation tomorrow.

Lynn: [Spits out cookie] You guys are coming to my school?

Clyde: [Takes off the crumbs] Yeah, we got assigned an eight grade buddy who's gonna take us around, and show us what the next three years of our lives would be like.

Lincoln: And we wanna make a good impression, so we're coming prepared. [Pulls out a picture then moves his fingers as if he had sprinkles.] Designed these ourselves.

Lynn [Grabs the picture] Clincoln McCloud-BFFS. Cookies and business cards? That's your plan?

Laney: Well, my plan is to just make an impression on the middle schoolers. I'm really excited to know what they're like.

Clyde: I'm also planning to use word association, to learn everyone's names. [Moves hands by the opposite directions.] Like Lynn; once bruised my shin.

Laney: Ooh, that's good Clyde.

Lynn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, time out. This stuff might fly in elementary school, okay? But middle school is different.

Laney: I'm pretty sure middle school isn't different than elementary. School is school. The only difference is the kids who go there.

Lynn: [pats Laney's shoulder] Oh, poor naive Laney. You have no idea what life is like at middle school. It's a jungle. If you walk in their looking like a couple of weak chumps, you'll get eaten alive.

[Lincoln and Clyde look at the each other in fear]

Lincoln & Clyde: Eaten alive?

Clyde: Does that mean we should reconsider wearing matching turtlenecks?

Laney: Guys relax, I'm sure we'll do fine.

Lynn: That's right.

Laney: See? Even she's sees-

Lynn: [as she calls the principal] Because LJ's got your back. Ahem, yo, Principal Ramirez? Lynn Loud. Hey listen, who can I talk to about becoming an orientation buddy? [Winks]

Laney: Nothing good can come of this...

Clyde: [to Lincoln] Psst, don't throw out those business cards, they might still work for high school.

[Scene changes to where Royal Woods Middle School is at as the bus arrives, then everyone walks out the bus.]

Clyde: [impressed] Lincoln, check out those columns! You think they're real marble?

Lincoln: Probably, this place is so much bigger than our school. Good thing they gave us maps.

Lynn: [She is seen behind a big guy] Eh, huh? Guys, guys, guys, ditch the maps! [tosses Lincoln's map away] First rule of survival: Don't act like a total noob.

Laney: But we are noobs.

Lynn: [giggles] When some upper classman realizes that, you'll be a prime target for pranks!

Laney: I don't think upperclassmen will do that to new kids.

Lynn: Oh, they will! Just like they did to that kid who asked an eighth grader for directions on the first day of school.

[Lincoln and Clyde grow shocked to hear that. Flashback to that time.]

Lynn: [narrating] That poor fool got sent on a wild goose chase on the tunnels in school, then she didn't make it out until the day was over.

[End flashback]

Lincoln & Clyde: [gasps, writes down...] 'Don't... be... noobs.

Laney: Oh boy...

[Later, the bell rings as students went to their classes.]

Lynn: Okay, homeroom. There's no assigned seats, so it's time for rule number two: Don't get stuck with a crummy desk. Move out!

Clyde: [walks to a desk where at the same time, a girl with pigtails approaches the same one.] Oh, sorry, please, it's all yours. I'd pull out the chair for you, but [clears throat] it's attached.

Lynn: [facepalms] Wrong. [runs up to where Clyde and the girl are standing.] Hey! Back off, pigtail. My buddy saw this first! [She takes the desk, and places it near Clyde and Lincoln.] Huaghh! Boom! Dominant! Nobody's messing with that. Ha!

Laney: Lynn! What was that!? You can't just steal someone's desk like that! You've could've just asked you know!

Clyde: Yeah, wasn't that a little aggressive?

Lynn: Mmm... not if you don't wanna end up with the kid who got stuck with the worst desk in the room.

[Lincoln and Clyde grow shocked again. Flashback to that time.]

Lynn: [narrating] This one kid thought she had the perfect desk, but ended up getting stuck in it so tight, that they had to call the school cook.

Cook: [Making the girl feel scared] Sorry, kid. We're gonna have to grease you out. Got any nut allergies? [laughs evilly]

[End flashback]

Lincoln & Clyde: [writes down...] Don't get stuck with crummy desks...

Laney: [gets suspicious] Hmm...

Lynn: Okay, next is Bio. Suit up! [throws lab coats at Lincoln, Laney, & Clyde.]

Clyde: Cool, I've always wanted to wear a lab coat!

Teacher: Welcome, 5th Graders, we are continuing with live mealworms today. So everyone grab a case from the back of the class.

Lincoln: [grabs a case and runs into Clyde. All the worms fell out and went on the fan and onto the students. They all try to get them off screaming.] Sorry guys, that was my fault. I was oddly making business- [Lynn pushes him and Laney behind the counter.] Lynn, what the heck?

Lynn: Rule Number Three: never own up to making a mistake.

Laney: Really? Never? Okay now I know you're being loco with these rules!

Lynn: Hey, these rules will save your life.

Laney: But you have to admit when your wrong. Otherwise you'll get everyone in trouble.

Lynn: Well, that didn't help the kid who- wait, hang on. Clyde needs to hear this too. [Lynn grabs Clyde] Do you wanna be like the 6th grader who owned up to farting during a standardized test?

[Lincoln and Clyde grow shocked once again. Flashback to that time.]

Bully: Hey look it's Farty McStink Pants!

[End flashback]

Lincoln & Clyde: [writes down...] Own up to nothing.

Laney: You seem to know an awful lot about this kid.

Lynn: Uh... I bumped into him occasionally. Never gave him the time of day.

[Later at lunch, Lynn gives double meatball subs with extra sriracha to Lincoln, Laney and Clyde as they are growling while Laney rolls her eyes at the boys]

Lynn: [giggles] I love that angry body language! Here you go, double meatball subs with extra sriracha.

Laney: No thanks. I'm not in to spicy foods anymore.

Clyde: I'll take one, I'm normally not a hot sauce guy, but after this morning, I'm feeling dangerous. [Takes a bite at the same time as Lincoln does.]

Lynn: Great, so my rules are sinking in?

Lincoln: [swallows some of the sub] Yeah, some kid just came over to ask if she can borrow a chair, and guess what Clyde said.

Clyde: I don't think so, pal!

Lynn: Boom, [gives a high five to Clyde.] McBride for the win!

Laney: I can't help but question your methods, Lynn. I mean being agressive can't always work.

Lynn: Of course it always work when it comes to school. Worked for me when I first attended.

Laney: Oh, really? What was it like?

Lynn: [nervous] Uhh... it was awesome. I was the most popular kid here!

Lincoln: Wow! We are sure to be as popular as you with your advice. So, what are we doing after lunch?

Lynn: Oh, actually, we orientation buddies are supposed to let you guys fly solo for the rest of the day. See how you do on your own.

Lincoln: [nervous] Really?

Clyde: [also nervous] Already?

Lynn: Don't worry, you guys totally got this. Now hands in!" [The three put their hands together.] Three, two, one...

Lincoln, Lynn, and Clyde: DOMINATE!

Lynn: Wow, Clyde, your hands are so soft.

Clyde: Oh, thank you.

Lynn: We'll work on that. [walks away]

[Later, Lincoln, Laney, and Clyde are in the hallway.]

Lincoln: First class of the afternoon: The Wonders of Watercolors.

Laney: Oh, I'm so excited. I've been itching to try out watercolor paint.

Clyde: To the art department! [The two boys are about to head off, but they realize they have no idea where the art department is.] Uh, which way is that again?

Laney: Let's just take a look at the map. [reaches into Lincoln's backpack and pulls out the map.] It should be right-

Clyde: [snatches the map] No! Lynn's first rule, remember? Don't look like a noob.

Laney: But we are noobs!

Lincoln: Yeah and if the upperclassmen find out we'll be their prank targets!

Laney: This is ridiculous! All this advice may work on Lynn but not for usIf you want to act like total buffoons and get yourselves lost, go right ahead!

Clyde: Oh, we'll be just fine! Unlike you, who will end up like Farty McStinkpants!

Laney: Oh really? [Takes back the map] Then I guess you won't be needing this then.

Lincoln: Go ahead, take it. We don't need it. Right buddy?

Clyde: Yeah! Dominate!

[Laney shrugs and leaves]

Lincoln: Poor, Laney. I shudder to think what's gonna happen to her without our guidance.

[Later, Laney successfully made it to the art department and is painting beautiful pictures with watercolor]

Teacher: Very excellent work, Laney. You're really becoming one with the brush.

Laney: Thank you. [The teacher walks away] Gee, I wonder what's taking Lincoln and Clyde so long?

[Meanwhile, Lincoln and Clyde walk down a corridor decorated with art projects.]

Lincoln: This looks like the art department. Maybe this is the watercolor room. [Opens the door, which is actually the film development lab, and everyone inside starts yelling.] Heh, heh, is this The Wonders of Watercolors?

Photography Girl: No, this is Fun with Photography and you just ruined a whole month's work! I'll see you jerks after school, meet me on blacktop at 3:00. [shuts the door]

Clyde: [nervous] You think she's inviting us to play a game of tetherball?

Photography Girl: [opens the door] No, that's where we fight. [shuts the door again]

[The two boys get scared and gulp. Meanwhile, Laney was walking to her class and was walking to her desk until she bumped into a girl who was going for the same desk.]

Laney: Oh, sorry. Were you taking this desk?

Girl: Yeah. I was assigned to this desk.

Laney: Oh, well, pardon me. [The girl takes a seat at her desk] Do you where I can find a good seat?

Girl: [points over to the desk in the front] Over there.

Laney: Thanks. [Walks over to the desk and takes a seat] Well, that was easy. I'll bet the boys are having as much luck as I am.

[Back in the hallway...]

Lincoln: Okay, so we ticked off one photo student, but I'm sure we can smooth everything over after school.

Clyde: I'm already writing the apology letter in my head.

Lincoln: Come on, let's grab a seat. [drags Clyde inside the classroom]

Clyde: Remember rule number two!

[The two boys find two empty desks.]

Lincoln: These look nice and sturdy.

Clyde: Plus, we can make great eye contact with the teacher from here.

[They look confident. Just then, two students approach them.]

Byron: Oh, hey, dudes, those are actually our seats.

Clyde: [shoots a look at Lincoln and clears his throat.] We saw them first, bud.

Cici: [She and Byron look confused.] Um, okay, well, seats are assigned and those are legitimately ours.

Lincoln: Pssh, a likely story.

[The bell rings and Byron and Cici get nervous.]

Byron: Come on, man!

Mr. Bolhofner: [approaches the scene] Byron, Cici, what are you doing out of your seats? I expect every student to be ready to work when the bell rings. You two just earned zeroes for participation.

[Byron and Cici gasp.]

Cici: [to Lincoln and Clyde; threateningly.] Meet us on the blacktop at 3:00.

[Meanwhile, Laney was walking through the hallway when she bumped into a teacher making her drop all of her paper]

Teacher: Hey!

Laney: I'm sorry, it was an accident.

Teacher: Oh, that's okay. [Picks up her papers] Do you mind if you help me out?

Laney: No problem. [Helps the Teacher pick up her papers]

Teacher: Thank you. [Leaves]

Laney: Hm. I knew that Lynn was all talk. I didn't follow any of her rules and I came out okay. Still I wonder how Lincoln and Clyde's day was going? I'm sure they're fine. There smart enough to lead themselves.

[Meanwhile in the gym, some kids grab basketballs from the rack Lincoln and Clyde are hiding behind.]

Clyde: [Whispering] How can we have so many enemies? We don't even go here yet.

Lincoln: Relax, this is our last class of the day, let's just keep a low profile and try not to make anyone else hate us.

Clyde: "Got it.

Coach Keck: [Wheeling in a TV.] Okay people, I spent all morning buffing the dumb floor for the PTA banquet so no dodgeball today, you're watching a movie instead.

[The students are pleased with this. Clyde moves the basketball rack away.]

Clyde: Perfect! There's no way we can mess this up.

[They run over to join the group but they accidentally slip on the buffed floor, and knock over the volleyballs, making the shelf of gym carts crash onto Coach Keck and some of the students.]

Coach Keck: [resurfaces] Who's responsible for this?!

Clyde: [to Lincoln] Remember rule number three: Never own up to making a mistake.

Coach Keck: Well, since no one's fessing to the messing, you can forget that movie. [pushes the TV away] You're all cleaning up instead.

[The TV crashes offscreen, and the students groan. Lincoln and Clyde grow nervous. Coack Keck leaves to get the floor waxer, angrily muttering to herself.]

Clyde: [To Lincoln] Don't feel bad buddy, if we admitted it was us, we'd be the next Farty McStink Pants.

[All the other kids, having heard that, surround Lincoln and Clyde and start yelling at them.]

Female Student: It was you?! You're making us clean?!

Male Student: You meet us on the blacktop at-

Lincoln: [Having heard all this before.] Yeah, yeah, we know, on the blacktop, 3:00.

[At seven-to-three, the bell rings. Laney was walking outside when she sees Lincoln, Clyde and four angry middle schoolers, all headed toward the blacktop.]

Laney: Oh, boy... [Walks towards them] Guys, what did you- [Lynn rushes out and tackles the trio] You have to stop doing that.

Lynn: Never. Now, what's going on?

Lincoln: "Well, it's a long story, but I'm pretty sure it ends with those kids kicking our butts." [Points over to the blacktop, where Cici draws a picture of him and Clyde, and Byron eats it.]

Lynn: What the heck happened?

Lincoln: We tried following your rules, but people didn't think we're tough.

Clyde: They just think we're jerks, and, I'm not sure I disagree.

Lincoln: [sarcastically] Yeah, so thanks for the great advice.

Laney: Just so you know, I had nothing to do with this. I did not follow your advice and I turned out fine.

Lynn: I'm sorry. I was just trying to spare you guys from what happened to me.

Lincoln & Clyde: [dumbfounded] Huh?

Laney: What do you mean what happened to you?

Lynn: Yeah, my first year of middle school was a real horror story. [Flashback to the hooded girl revealing to be Lynn and approaches two upperclassmen.]

Flashback Lynn: Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to the gym?

Upperclassmen: [looks at his friend and smiles before responding.] Oh sure, it's real easy, [leads Lynn to the stairs.] just head down those stairs over there. [laughs]

[End flashback]

Laney: I knew there was something fishy about all those stories you told us!

Lynn: Yup. [sighs] They were all me. [Flashback to Lynn being stuck in that desk with the cook greasing her out, and the bullies calling her "Farty McStink Pants" and Lynn hides in her locker. End flashbacks.] I finally figured out that if I acted tough, people would stop messing with me.

Laney: And you thought what worked for you will work for them?

Lynn: Yeah...

Lincoln: Wow, I had no idea you went through all that.

Clyde: Me neither, and it was nice of you to try and help us, even though it's gonna lead to a lot of pain. [Falls forward]

Lynn: No it's not, because I'm gonna take the heat for you guys.

Lincoln & Clyde: [Grab Lynn and pull her back.] No, no, no.

Lincoln: We have to go, some of those kids might still be here next year, they're gonna think we're wimps who let other people fight our battles.

Clyde: Though when you think about it, would that really be so bad? [Lincoln gives Clyde a look.] Okay, okay.

[The boys come out from behind the dumpster and walk onto the blacktop with looks showing no fear. The angry middle schoolers squint at them, Lincoln and Clyde squint right back, Lynn and Laney watches from behind the basketball post, nervous. Byron checks his watch, it beeps as the hour turns to three, Lincoln and Clyde' look at each other, and charge at the middle schoolers, flailing and screaming, when Clyde steps on Lincoln's shoelace and they fall to the ground. The middle schoolers blankly look at this, and Lynn and Laney facepalm]

Lincoln: [chuckles] I guess you guys don't have to beat us up because apparently we can do it ourselves.

[The middle schoolers look at each other for a second before laughing.]

Cici: Ah, we weren't really gonna beat you up, we just wanted to make you sweat a little.

Lincoln: [gets up] Well, it worked. This is my third shirt of the day. [raises his arms up, showing his pit sweat.]

[They laugh some more and Byron picks up Clyde's backpack.]

Byron: Here, kid, you dropped your- [notices something] Hey, are these snickerdoodles? [pulls out the cookies Clyde made.]

Clyde: Uh, yeah, homemade. Help yourself.

[The middle schoolers each take a cookie and taste them.]

Cici: Wow, these are good. What's your name again?

Clyde: I'm Clyde McBride, and this is Lincoln Loud.

Lincoln: [pulls out the card] We're also known as Clincoln McCloud.

Photography Girl: [takes the card] 'Clincoln McCloud, BFF's'. Wow, these cards are so dorky, they're actually cool.

Byron: Hey, Lynn, is pit stains your brother?

Lynn: Uh, yeah.

Byron: He and his friend are alright. [grabs the two boys and has Lincoln on his shoulder.]

Lynn: [glad] Yeah, I guess they are after all.

Laney: Told you, they would do great without your advice.

Lynn: I guess you're right, Lanes. I guess you don't have aggressive to fit in.

Laney: Exactly my point. As a matter of fact, maybe you could do without being aggressive...

Lynn: No thanks. I'm fine like this.

Laney: But aren't you worried that people won't like you if act too rough? [Lynn tackles Laney to the ground] Guess that answers my question. [Lynn playfully noogies her as the both the girls laugh]


	115. Really Loud Music

**Really Loud Music**

[The episode starts with Laney playing her saxophone until she started to hear rock music]

Laney: Hey, who's playing that music? [Plays her saxophone to the music and it sounded pretty well] Hey, it's got a good rythm with my sax. [Realizes something] It can only be one explanation. [Laney followed the music into Luna's room where she heard Luna reharsing her song]

Luna:

 _Rock and roll is running through my veins (hey, hey)_

 _Electric soul like wires to my brain (hey, hey)_

 _I can't be wrong, don't need direction_

 _I can find my way_

 _Play it loud, play it loud_

 _I got no time for turning it down_

 _Play it loud, play it proud_

 _I live it, I breathe it_

 _Don't tell me I don't need it now_

 _Play it loud_

 _Sorry, I'm not sorry for being proud_

 _Play it loud_

 _Turn it up until your speakers blow out_

 _Until your speakers blow out_

 _Until your speakers blow out_

 _Until your speakers blow out_

[Luna stops the recording and takes out the flash drive. And she heard Laney applauding]

Luna: Looks like I got a fan.

Laney: That has to be your best hit yet, Luna!

Luna: Thanks, Lanes. 'Cause this song's taking me to the top! I'm a shoo in for the contest. [She then climbs up the ladder to her bunk and plugs the flash drive into her laptop]

Laney: What contest?

[Luna plays a video]

 **AMERICA'S NEXT HITMAKER**

Michelle: Hey there. I'm Michelle.

Doug: And I'm Doug.

Michelle: And we're the producers of "America's Next Hitmaker".

Doug: Here's how it works: Submit your original song, and if you make the top five, you'll get to perform before millions on live TV.

Michelle: And if your song gets the most viewer votes, you get a record deal.

Doug: So upload your submission now, 'cause maybe you've got the song the whole world will love.

Luna: You know I do.

Laney: Man, Luna! You are sure to dominate that contest! Hey, when you become a hit singer, can I be your manager? It's always been a dream to become a manager when one of my siblings get famous!

Luna: I thought your dream was to star in your own talk show.

Laney: Yes, and that was great for last year. This year: manager!

Luna: Welp, you're more than glad to come along Laney. [She's about to submit her song but stops in realization.] Wait. The whole world? I mean, I love my song, but will everybody?

Laney: Does it matter if everyone loves it? I mean if you love it that's good enough, right?

Luna: Not good enough for this contest! If I'm gonna ace this, I need something everyone will love.

Laney: If you say so. After all, It's not too hard to find a song everyone will love. [Laney begins to play her saxophone and sings]

Laney:

 _If you wanna find a song for everyone,_

 _it's not so hard to do._

 _Just think of the words and the melody_

 _and there you have it pure and true_

 _A song to get ev'rybody's toes a tappin'_

 _a catchy tune to get fingers a snappin'_

 _Find a tune that just screams you_

 _That's the kind of song you want!_

[Does a saxophone solo and ends her song]

Luna: Wow, Lanes. Cool song!

Laney: What song?

Luna: The song you just sang.

Laney: I didn't sing any song. I was just saying that you need a song the screams you.

[Luna was confused until she heard playful music starts playing out of nowhere and Luna turns to see Lana unclogging the toilet in the bathroom.]

Lana:

 _A plumber's job is never done_

 _Especially in this house_

 _I've been dubbed the number one_

 _To get the number twos to go down_

 _[Lana flushes the toilet and water overflows making her go up in the air.]_

 _But when life throws me a storm_

 _I still sing along_

 _To the bang, bang of those pipes_

 _That's my kind of song_

Luna: [pops her head in] Killer song, Lans.

Lana: [confused] What song?

Luna: The one you were just singing.

Lana: I don't know what you're talking about, I wasn't singing. But this baby will be once I've replaced her trip lever.

[Luna's now the one confused until she hears some show tune music playing and enters Lola and Lana's room to find Lola in front of her hand mirror.]

Lola:

 _It is hard to make looking this good look easy_

 _And it takes a few mistakes to be just right_

 _Looking perfect is a gift_

 _When I feel meh, I act as if_

 _[Pulls out her lip gloss.]_

 _A little lip gloss keeps me going all day long_

[Lola steps out of her closet.]

 _When my high heels hit the floor_

 _The applause becomes a roar_

 _And I hold the last note long_

 _That's my kind of song_

[Dances with her teddy bear.]

My kind

Luna: Sweet performance, Lols. You doing that song at your next pageant?

Lola: What song? My pageant talent is martial arts right now. Hiyah! [karate kicks her teddy bear across the room]

[Just then, an explosion goes off in Lisa and Lily's room and hip hop music begins playing. Luna sees that Lisa is doing another experiment as usual.]

Lisa:

 _Yippee-ki-yay_

 _Yo, yo, yo_

 _I make this Bunsen burner start to overflow_

 _Mix some dope rhymes with a little H2O_

 _My idiom for indium is shine like gold_

 _Barium, radium, don't you be afraidium_

 _I'm packing the palladium, they'll call it Lisa Stadium_

 _Reppin' my hood from coast to coast_

 _I'm better than sliced bread, they callin' me burnt toast_

[Lisa eats a piece of bread as the background returns to normal.]

Luna: Uh, Lis, what you were just doing?

Lisa: Ah, working per use.

Luna: So, you weren't just rapping. [Lisa shakes her head]

Laney: Luna, are you feeling okay? You've been acting strange. And coming from a member of this family, is saying something.]

Luna: I don't know, man! I'm wigging out!

Lisa: [pushes a step ladder up to her rocker sister.] Do I detect some psychological distress? [Luna sadly nods] I've been known to dabble in the soft sciences. [Gestures to Lily's crib] Take a seat.

[And so, Luna tells Lisa her dilemma in the crib.]

Luna: So, I was about to hit send, but then I wondered, 'Is this the song the whole world will love?' And that's when I started hearing things, Lola singing a show tune, Lana doing her toilet jam, Laney swooning jazz.

Lisa: And me spitting sick rhymes about the periodic table. It's clear these aural hallucinations are projections of your inner uncertainty. Your subconscious is flipping between stations, trying to find the right sound for your song.

Laney: So basically Luna's subconcious is helping her find the right song?

Lisa: In a summary sense, yes.

Luna: Dude, that makes total sense! [realizes this] So, what is the right sound?

[Suddenly, Luna hears some smooth music playing and Leni comes up the stairs heading to her and Lori's room as a blue emoji background fades in.]

Leni:

 _Is it a crush?_

 _Or maybe it's chemistry_

 _Maybe it's all in my head_

 _Lori, look at this thread_

 _Tell me what you see_

 _When he IMs my friends, is he trying to get me?_

 _Look at this one again, what do you think it means?_

[Leni suddenly rips off a lab coat.]

Lori:

 _He's got to like you for you_

 _And your music too_

 _Don't want to call it "like"_

 _If it isn't true_

 _It's online, it's not life_

 _And the real world takes time_

 _Just to figure out what's right or wrong_

 _Throw down that slow jam groove_

Lori & Leni:

 _We got our own kind of song_

 _Oooooooh_

[As the song ends and the background fading back to normal, Luna observes all of this while holding a notepad.]

Luna: Maybe that's the kind of song people want to hear, something deep and soulful.

[Suddenly, cheerful music begins playing and Luna turns to see their door banging and Luan pops out as a jack-in-the-box.]

Luan:

 _Every now and then, I think the world's a scary place_

 _But I remember it looks better with a pie thrown at your face_

 _If the glass looks half empty_

 _Break off the empty half_

 _And use it as a pirate's leg_

 _Give everyone a laugh_

 _Rubber duckies, wind-up monkeys, six foot leprechauns_

 _Well, life's my stage, a laugh parade_

 _Yeah, that's my kind of song_

Hey hey!

[Luna randomly comes out of Luan's squirt flower and falls to the floor as Luan is riding her unicycle.]

Laney: Any luck?

Luna: [Gets up] Nope.

Laney: Well, I'm sure you can think of something. Try listening in for more musical hallucinations.

Luna: Alright. [She looks around until she began to hear gloomy music. Luna opens the door to Lynn, Laney, and Lucy's room to find a casket and the room looking like a funeral as lightning crashes. Lucy opens the casket.]

Lucy:

 _The universe is empty._

 _And there's nothing to be sure of but darkness._

 _There's no music in the void, so why bother anyway?_

 _[Lucy floats out of the casket and grows some humongous bat wings.]_

 _Embrace the emptiness. Own the futility._

 _The only song worth singing is silence._

Luna: Heavy, man. Maybe that's what people will dig, something dark and somber.

Laney: Maybe goths can dig it, but I'm not sure it will be for everyone...

Lynn: [offscreen] Lynn-sanity in da house!

[Luna turns around to get a basketball thrown at her stomach as she goes flying into the room and landing on Lucy as techno music begins to play. Luna and Lucy look up.]

Lynn:

 _Get pumped (what!)_

 _Get ready (huh!)_

 _This beat's about to get heavy (oh yeah!)_

 _Rough riders!_

 _Olé!_

 _That's the sound of me winning all day_

 _I'm a walking trophy, got my beat, got my drums_

 _Give me a T-R-O-F-Y_

Lisa:

I think you spelled that wrong!

Lynn:

 _That's my kind of song_

Yeah!

[Lynn rips off her shorts to reveal multi-colored sequins.]

Alright!

Whoo!

Lynn: [takes Edwin from Lucy and throws it to the ground, resulting in Edwin's nose breaking off.] Alright! Up top!

Lucy: Look what you did to Edwin, you monster.

Lynn: What? You wanna go?

[The two begin to brawl]

Laney: Maybe we should look somewhere else. [Laney pushes Luna down the stairs] Getting inspired yet?

Luna: I don't know, Lanes. The more I hear, the more confused I get.

[Now country music begins to play and Luna sees that her parents are doing the bills in the dining room.]

Lynn Sr.:

 _Darling, keep me company on the rocky road of life_

Rita:

 _We'll just sing in harmony as the kids all scream, "Be quiet!"_

Rita & Lynn Sr.:

 _So, let's turn up the radio and drive_

[The parents are now in a saloon wearing cowboy outfits as they begin to dance to the music.]

Rita:

 _I'll be out of tune_

Lynn Sr.:

 _I'll be out of time_

Rita:

 _Don't have much to lose_

Lynn Sr.:

 _But we'll be fine_

[Luna sees her parents shaking their butts and facepalms herself.]

Rita & Lynn Sr.:

 _We're gonna keep singing loud and wrong_

 _Cause that's our kind of song_

[The two share a kiss as the background returns to normal.]

Luna: Huh. Maybe a country song is the answer! [Just as she was about to write that down, electronic music begins to play.] But of course, here comes another one.

[A dance battle video game is shown on the TV and Lincoln and Clyde are dancing to the beat of the song while playing.]

Lincoln & Clyde:

 _And the beat goes on and on_

 _Even if we get it wrong_

 _Cause friends don't think, they're just in sync_

 _Best buds, amigos, the list goes on_

 _Can't keep up, can't sing along_

 _That's our kind of song_

[The song has come to an end as the screen says "Finished!"]

Luna: [sighs] Or... [writes it down] ...maybe that's the ticket, something people can dance to." [goes upstairs] Unless I should go with a slow jam, or show tunes, or maybe rap, or jazz. No, country. [groans] It's hopeless!

Laney: You can't give up yet! We gotta find a song for you!

Luna: But how? Every song I've heard as hit me in a dead end! Face it, Lanes. There isn't a song in this house that everyone will love!

[Luna hangs her head in defeat and goes to her room, burying her face in her pillow as she lets out another groan. Just then, a pop song begins to play.]

 _The mic drops, we don't stop_

[Luna lifts her head up and she and Laney come out of Luna's room to see Lily dancing to the song on her radio.]

 _Pretend the sun's never coming up_

 _High tops, tube socks_

 _Following the trends even though we'd rather not_

Laney: Get out! I love this song! [Laney runs up to Lily and dances with her]

Lori: [steps out of her room] Ooh, I literally love this song!

Lola: [comes out of the bathroom and gasps] Shut up, so do I!

[Lori and Lola join in.]

 _Guess it's just whatever (whatever)_

[The four sisters lip-sync that last lyric before the chorus begins to play and Luna smiles at this.]

 _Put your hands in the air like the ceiling ain't there_

 _Make this last forever_

Lynn Sr.: [as he, Rita, Luan, Lincoln, and Clyde come up the stairs.] Make a hole! Make a hole! This song is my jam!

[They join in and Lynn comes out of her room. She smiles and joins them as well as Lucy comes out next.]

 _There is nothing worse than that guy over there_

 _And nothing's better than the best, best, best thing ever_

Lucy: I should hate it...but I don't. [joins in]

 _Oh oh oh, o-o-o-oh, oh oh oh_

Lisa: Likewise. Curse this inane yet diobolically catchy tune! [joins in anyway]

[The Louds and Clyde are now dancing to the song.]

 _Friday nights, summer light_

 _Just me, my friends and I_

 _Top down, peel out (peel out)_

 _But I'm yelling at my mom, 'cause I'm still too young to drive (MOM!)_

[Luna then hears Charles barking and sees the pets dancing to the song too.]

 _Guess it's just whatever_

 _Put your hands in the air like the ceiling ain't there_

Mr. Grouse: [dancing to the song as well] I love this song!

 _Make this last forever_

 _Yeah, there's nothing worse than that thing over there (Eww!)_

 _And nothing's better than the best, best, best thing ever_

 _Oh oh oh, o-o-o-oh, oh oh oh_

 _Oh oh oh, o-o-o-oh, oh oh oh_

[During the second chorus after Mr. Grouse dances, a squirrel dances to the song too, as well as two skydivers, and an astronaut. A radio satellite picks it up and sends it all across the world, to which the people from other countries dance to as well, even some of the Casagrandes. The song comes to an end and the Louds and Clyde cheer to such a great tune.]

Luna: [finally figures it out] Dude, bubblegum pop! That's the kind of song the whole world loves!

Laney: That's great! But are you sure you want to go with it? It's not exactly you're kind of song.

Luna: But it sure is everybody's kind of song! This is gonna put on the top!

Laney: Well, of you think it's good I guess can't stop you.

Lynn Sr.: What a workout. Who wants Flippees? I'll drive.

[The Louds and Clyde then run down the stairs and out the door to Vanzilla.]

Rita: Luna, you coming?

Luna: You guys go without me. I've got a contest to win. [goes to her room to write a new song]

[Later, Laney and Luna were ready to record the new song]

Laney: Okay, Luna. We're ready to roll.

[Luna taps her microphone and hits record on the recording device once again. This time, she is on her keyboard and takes an exhale.]

Luna: Alright, take two. [begins playing]

 _Clock is ticking_

 _Time is running out, every second counts_

 _Overthinking_

 _I can't turn it off, so I'll tune it out_

 _All we know is la, la, la, la, la_

 _So might as well just la, la, la, la, la_

 _We just want to la, la, la, la, la_

 _All day long_

 _Everybody loves this, everybody does this_

 _I'm just gonna do it too_

 _We don't need a new song, we already got one_

 _I'm just gonna give you what everybody wants_

 _What everybody wants_

 _What everybody wants_

 _What everybody wants_

 _Guess I want it too_

[The background fades back to normal and Luna stops the recording. She takes out the flash drive and climbs up to her bunk.]

Luna: Now that's a song the whole world will love. [plugs in the flash drive to her laptop] Upload, and submit.

Laney: I'm sure you'll win, Luna. You know music better than anyone.

Luna: Thanks Lanes, fingers crossed.

[Later, the Loud siblings are watching TV when they hear Luna scream excitingly as she heads down the stairs.]

Luna: I'M IN, I'M IN, I'M IN!

Leni: In what, in what, in what?

Luna: America's Next Hitmaker! I just got an email saying my song made it to the top five!

[Laney runs up and hugs Luna squealing with excitement]

Laney: [excited] AAAAAAHHHH! I'm so proud of you, sis!

[Luna's siblings rush over and hug her cheering for her success and their parents enter the scene.]

Leni: We knew you could do it!

Lincoln: Is it the song you've been playing for the last couple of days?

Leni, Lynn, Lana, and Lola: _Play it loud, play it loud / I got no time for turning it down_

Luna: Actually, I submitted a different one. I really want to win this contest, so, I needed a new song the whole world would dig.

Lynn: Well, looks like you nailed it." [chest bumps Luna to the floor.] "Way to dominate.

Luna: [gets up] Thanks, dude, but watch the diaphragm. I still got to sing.

Laney: Alright, make some room. Future manager of Luna Loud coming through. [Walks with Luna]

[Later, Luna and Laney enters the theatre of where "America's Next Hitmaker"is and walk towards the stage, admiring it in it's glory.]

Luna: Woah!

Laney: I can't believe you're gonna sing here!

Luna: I know!

Doug: [offscreen] Hello there!

[Enter Michelle and Doug]

Michelle: You must be one of our finalists.

Luna: Why yes I am.

Doug: Not you! [points to Laney] Her!

Laney: Huh, me?

Michelle: Yes, you! [Vigorously shakes Laney's hand] We've heard your wonderful song and we are excited to have you on our show.

Laney: Wait! Flattered as I am, you are completely mistaken. I didn't sing that song. [Points to Luna] She did! I'm just her future manager.

Doug: You're joking right?

Luna: No, dudes, she speaks the truth! [sings] _All we know is la, la, la, la, la_

[The two recognize the tune and are happy.]

Michelle: [gasps] You are the singer! But you're not exactly what we expected.

[Luna grows shocked to hear that.]

Laney: What do you mean?

Doug: Well, her look is...interesting, but it doesn't really fit with her song.

Luna: Oh, I-I was just trying to write something the whole world would love.

Michelle: Great attitude. That's what this is all about.

Doug: So, now that you've got the song covered, let's make you into a girl the whole world will love.

Luna: Uh...

Laney: Hold on! What are you two going at?

Michelle: Nothing crazy, just a couple little tweaks. [Luna looks down at her threads.] Sometimes in the music biz, you gotta play the game to get the fame.

Doug: You do want the fame, don't you?

Luna: Well, sure.

Michelle: Then, trust us.

Laney: Luna, I'm not sure that we can trust these guys.

Luna: Chillax, Lanes. They know what's best for me.

Laney: Really? Because it sounds like they wanna-

[Before Laney could finish, Doug flips the lever for the stage lights.]

Michelle:

 _We've got a lot work to do and not a lot of time_

Doug:

 _Don't worry, dear, just sign right here_

 _Don't read between the lines_

Laney: Hold on a-

Michelle:

 _That's not supposed to fit that way_

Doug:

Your hair, your boots, your clothes, oy vey!

Michelle & Doug:

 _We know what to do_

 _We'll just fix a thing or two_

 _Or three or four or five_

Laney: I don't think-

 _We love you, you're Luna, now change_

 _You're destined for fortune and fame_

 _There's so much room for improvement_

 _We love you, you're Luna, now change_

 _And we know it might feel wrong_

 _But if you just play along_

Laney: Now, wait just a minute you-

Michelle:

 _Everybody's going to_

Michelle & Doug:

 _Love what you've turned into_

Laney: [annoyed] Do i get a say in-

 _We love you, you're Luna, now change_

 _It's all how you play the game_

 _All big stars could use improvement_

 _We love you, you're perfect_

 _We love you, you're worth it!_

 _We love you, you're Luna_

 _Now change!_

[During the last chorus, they fit Luna into several outfits until finally settling on a young pop girl outfit. Laney was shocked to see what the producers did to Luna]

Laney: Gah! What did you do!?

Michelle: We made your client into the star she was born to be.

Laney: What you did was turn her into a trashy popstar!

[Michelle and Doug gasp]

Doug: How dare you! Is that anyway to talk to a star?

Laney: But these changes-

Doug: [Interrupts Laney] Ah bup bup! Listen, kid. I know you're concerned but we hear you. But we are trained professionals so we know what stars want.

Laney: But Luna doesn't want-

Michelle: [Interrupts Laney] Not another word. You two run along now and we'll see you tonght! [They push Laney and Luna out of the studio]

[Cut to Laney and Luna walking back to thier house with Luna in her new outfit and open the door to find their siblings on the couch.]

Leni: [not knowing it's Luna.] Hey, Lola.

Luna: Dude, it's me, Luna.

[The siblings gasp]

Lola: [filing her nails] Learn to take a compliment, sweetie.

Lincoln: Luna, what happened to you?

Luna: Nothing. The producers just made a few tweaks. [sneezes]

Lori: A few tweaks? You are literally unrecognizable.

Luna: [scoffs] Give me a break, dude.

[Enter Rita and Lynn Sr.]

Rita: [also not knowing it's Luna.] Oh, hi. Rita Loud. You must be one of Lori's friends.

Luan: Mom, it's Luna.

[The parents gasp]

Luna: Chill, guys, sometimes in the music industry, you gotta play the game to get the fame. Isn't that right, Laney.

Laney: No it isn't!

Luna: What do you mean it isn't?

Laney: Listen, Luna. I've been supporting your desicions up to this point. But this is too far! Don't you see what Doug and Michelle are doing to you? They're trying to turn you into someone you're not! Just think to yourself: Is this really what you want?

Luna: Yes it is! And I think you are worrying too much. Now if you excuse me, I need to get ready for tonight. [goes upstairs]

Laney: Oh, Luna. If only you could see what you let yourself become...

[Luna is in her room looking at her Mick Swagger poster.]

Luna: They just don't get it, Mick.

Mick: Don't worry, love, I do. [Luna is surprised her poster came to life.] This is a tough business. Only one in a million makes it. You gotta do what you gotta do. Besides, it's not like you're selling your soul.

Luna: Right! That's what I'm saying.

Mick: You're still you. You're still Luna Loud.

[Luna smiles with hope. But back at America's Next Hitmaker, things are not going as she hoped she would.]

Doug: Sorry, you're no longer Luna Loud.

Luna: Excuse me, brah?

Michelle: We did some pre-show testing, and the name Luna Loud just doesn't say girl the whole world loves.

Doug: But your new one does.

[Michelle takes Luna's axe away and straps on a new kind of guitar with a name on it, and that name is...]

Luna: Lulu?!

Doug: Yup, just Lulu. Isn't it fabulous?

Luna: This doesn't even have strings! How am I supposed to play it?!

Doug: Oh, honey, you don't need to play, or sing. You just have to lip-synch.

[Luna is in denial shock.]

Laney: [fed up] THAT'S IT! [Storms up to the producers] I have had enough all these "changes" of yours! Who are you two to decide what Luna should be!? I demand that you change her back at once!

Doug: I'm sorry, but are you the producer of this show?

Laney: Well, no but-

Doug: Exactly, you're just the boss of her, not us. You may not know how the music buisness works but we do. So either you play along or go back to playing your instruments. [The producers leave while Laney was fuming mad]

Laney: Eeerrgh! What jerks! I don't know what you were thinking entrusting them with- [Sees Luna putting the guitar down, then looks at her reflection in the mirror as ballad music plays in the background.] Luna?

Luna:

 _Who is that in the mirror?_

 _Looking back, I don't know her_

 _But she reminds me of someone I knew_

 _Someone real, with imperfections_

 _I can't deal no direction_

 _Lost the map, where it was leading me to_

 _But maybe I was standing there all along_

 _What have I done? Is it too late?_

 _Trying to be someone I'm not, now I'm someone I hate_

 _For a moment in the spotlight, then it's gone_

 _What have I done? What price have I paid?_

 _It ain't worth it no more, it's material made_

 _I just want to be right back where I belong_

 _What have I done?_

 _What have I done?_

 _Every note rearranged_

 _Every word is someone else's_

 _Till I'm left with the ghost of a girl_

 _I gave in and I regret it_

 _Gave too much but now I get it_

 _Changed myself and lost my way to change the world_

 _Maybe I can still rewrite that song_

 _What have I done? Is it too late?_

 _Trying to be someone I'm not, no, I won't be replaced_

 _With a moment in the spotlight, till it's gone_

 _What have I done? What price have I paid?_

 _No, it's not worth it no more, it's material made_

 _I just want to be right back where I belong_

 _What have I done?_

 _What have I done?_

 _What have I done?_

 _What have I done?_

[Laney puts her hand on Luna's shoulder. Luna looks at her and sighs. Michelle and Doug are talking to the stage manager.]

Michelle: And then we'll fire the glitter cannons.

Doug: Focus groups love the glitter cannons.

Luna: [enters] Uh, Doug, Michelle? I've been doing some thinking, what if we made a few more tweaks?

[Michelle and Doug carry in a wardrobe set, a hairbrush, and a hairdryer.]

Michelle: Mmm, what do you have in mind?

Laney: My client Luna, would wish to go back to her original clothes, use a real guitar, and actually sing instead of lip-synching!

Doug: [To Laney] You stay out of this! [To Luna] And you! Let me break it down for you: You go on as Lulu, or you don't go on at all. Are we clear?

[Luna nods and looks down ashamed.]

Laney: Well, then she won't sing at- [Luna stops her]

Luna: We understand... [The producers leave] Laney, what am I going to do? I want to go out there but as Luna not Lulu!

Laney: Well, Lunes. Instead of listening to music, try listening to your heart. [Luna thought of Laney's wise words. That night at the stage, thousands of people are in the audience tonight, and of course, Luna's family.]

Doug: Our next contestant hails from Royal Woods, Michigan.

Lynn: Whoo! [nudges Lucy, who is clapping] It's Luna!

Doug: Please give a warm welcome to Lulu!

[The curtains draw back to reveal Luna, as Lulu, and smiles nervously to the audience, much to the confusion of the Louds.]

Luan: Lulu?

Leni: I'm so embarrassed. I've been calling her Luna all these years.

[Luna steps up to the microphone and looks down at her stringless guitar and Michelle and Doug signal her to go on and perform. Luna looks at her family and finally decides what she must do.]

Luna: Sorry, I've made a huge mistake. [tosses the guitar away] This isn't me. I'm not Lulu, I am Luna Loud! [She takes off the wig and throws it out into the audience.]

Lola: [snatches the wig] MINE!

[Luna draws back the curtain to reveal a bunch of speakers and is now back to the Luna Loud we all know and love as she begins playing the intro for "Play it Loud". Michelle and Doug are in aghast. Laney was estatic.]

Luna:

 _Rock and roll is running through my veins (hey, hey)_

 _Electric soul like wires to my brain (hey, hey)_

 _I can't be wrong, don't need direction_

 _I can find my way_

 _[Chunk appears playing the drums]_

 _Play it loud, play it loud_

[Michelle and Doug shake their fists in anger. The crowd is loving it and Laney and her family are cheering her on.]

 _I got no time for turning it down_

 _Play it loud, play it proud!_

 _I live it, I breathe it_

 _Don't tell me I don't need it now_

 _Play it loud!_

 _Sorry, I'm not sorry for being proud_

[Lincoln and Luan signal the stage manager to turn it up and he happily does so.]

 _Play it loud!_

 _Turn it up until your speakers blow out_

Michelle: [angry] You're disqualified! [Luna just shows that she doesn't care and continues to rock out. Laney then hits Michelle with a microphone] Ow! [Laney blows a raspberry and the producers start chasing her]

Luna:

 _First things first, I ain't no second place_

 _Rules are meant for bending till they break_

 _Right or wrong with no exceptions_

 _Rocking out my way_

[During the second verse, Michelle and Doug continue to chase Laney backstage. They were up at the top of the stage and cornered Laney, then she jumps into a rope and the producers jump after her only to fall into one of the glitter cannons in which Laney use to fire them out of the stage]

 _Play it loud, play it loud_

 _I got no time for turning it down_

 _Play it loud, play it proud!_

 _I live it, I breathe it_

 _Don't tell me I don't need it now_

 _Play it loud!_

 _Sorry, I'm not sorry for being proud_

 _Play it loud!_

 _Turn it up until your speakers blow out_

 _Until your speakers blow out_

 _Until your speakers BLOW OUT!_

[The crowd cheers at such an amazing performance and Luna turns to see that Michelle and Doug are back on the stage covered in bruises and wrapped around in wires]

Doug: Do you know what you've just given up?!

Luna: Yeah, but I know what I'm keeping. The real Luna Loud!

[Luna faces the crowd as they cheer her on. And Laney walks up to Michelle and Doug with a smirk on her face]

Laney: I guess you two don't know much about the music biz after all. [Luna joins her]

Michelle: This is all your fault, you messed everything up!

Laney: I only cleaned up the mess you guys made. [Doug grabs Laney]

Doug: I've had quite enough of you! Now, listen here! This buisness isn't about being yourself!

Luna: [grabs Laney] You leave her alone! It's not her fault you guys tried to change everything about me!

Doug: We run the show here, and we can make as much changes as we want because no one cares who you really are! [Just then he heard a microhone he sees dangling on top of him, revealing that everyone heard what he said. He sheepishly smiles realizing his folly] Uh... heh heh. That was out loud, wasn't it?

[The audience, angry about what Doug said started to boo at the producers and threw stuff at them. They continue to boo as the producers run away. After they left, Luna walks up to the stage and the audience went back to cheering for her amazing performance]

Luna: Thanks for having my back, Lanes. Sorry if I didn't listen to you before.

Laney: Don't apologize, besides you knew what was right all along.

Luna: Still my manager?

Laney: Well, actually. I'm thinking of resigning as manager. I'm thinking of starting my own music career. What do you think of "Smooth jazz"?

Luna: Music to my ears. [Winks to the audience]


End file.
